December 22, 2025 • 34 mins
We explore how real confidence is built through self-talk, daily action, and vulnerability, and how a single risk—climbing Kilimanjaro—reshaped Simone Knego’s life. We share tools to quiet the what-if whisperer and model healthier confidence for the people we love.
• defining confidence as being the same person everywhere
• vulnerability unlocking connection and support
• self-talk that passes the best-friend test
• control alt delete mindset reset explained
• modeling confidence for our kids and clients
• Kilimanjaro lessons on grit and goal setting
• responding to critics with questions not defenses
• the REAL method for building confidence
• choosing positivity without toxic positivity
• getting comfortable with discomfort through reps
• podcasting with her daughter and what they learn
• new book launch, speaking, and where to find Simone
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Keep Shining- Shanna Star
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shanna Star (00:07):
Well, hello, hello, hello to all of you fabulous
people who shine.
I'm your host, Shauna Star.
This is the Shine Podcast.
Today I have Simone Canego onthe show.
She is a best-selling author ofthe Extraordinary, Unordinary
You, a two-time TED speaker andpodcast host.
And she also hosts that with herfabulous daughter.
(00:29):
And she's dedicated to helpingwomen and high achievers rewrite
self-doubt into confidence.
So that's what we're going to bespeaking about today is
confidence, what that looks likedefining it and what we can do
to work on it because it is, infact, a skill to work on.
She also is an amazing womanbecause she climbed Mount
Kilimanjaro, along with so manyother reasons why she is
(00:49):
amazing.
But I love that fact about herand we get to hear a little bit
about her story.
So let's get right to it.
Oh, welcome, Simone, to theShine Podcast.
I'm so excited to have you heretoday.
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
Thank you.
I'm excited to be here.
Shanna Star (01:01):
So today we're gonna kind of get into
confidence.
I know that you get to speakabout that with the books that
you've written and one comingout soon, but also on your
podcast that correct me if I'mwrong, that you do with your
daughter.
Is that right?
SPEAKER_00 (01:14):
Yeah.
So I have six children, but umthat podcast is with my
22-year-old daughter, which is ablast.
Shanna Star (01:20):
I love that.
Now tell me what that's calledagain.
Did it change names kind ofrecently-ish?
SPEAKER_00 (01:24):
So it's called Her Unshakable Confidence.
It changed about a year ago.
We decided to be more focused.
It used to be called theDaughter Dearest podcast, like,
you know, play on words fromMommy Dearest.
Yes.
Yeah.
Uh, but we were like, you know,what are we talking about here?
We're talking about helping herstep into the woman that she
(01:45):
wants to be.
And it's for her, it was allabout building confidence.
And it's amazing how well it'sworked.
Shanna Star (01:50):
Wonderful.
I love that.
Well, congratulations on allyou've been doing.
And I know we'll get into yourbook a little bit more that will
be coming out.
But I wanted to start with Iknow so many women struggle with
confidence or feel like they'rea fraud if they put that
confident like jacket on for theday or that hat on for the day.
So, what do you consider to be adefinition of confidence and
(02:11):
what that looks like?
SPEAKER_00 (02:13):
For me, confidence is being who you are, where who
that doesn't matter who you'rewith, doesn't matter where you
are.
So for years I put up thisfacade, pretended to be
something that I wasn't, hopingthat I'd fit in better that way,
or I didn't want to rock theboat, or I never felt good about
myself.
I mean, that was the big thingis I struggled so much with
(02:33):
self-doubt.
And I don't wear that maskanymore.
I show up as I am, and I figureif people don't like that, then
that's okay.
Right.
And I've never had an issue,honestly.
It's not like someone's beenlike, oh my gosh, you can't come
in here because you're wearingjeans.
No, it's never been an issue.
But in my mind, for years, itwas an issue.
Like I told myself, oh my gosh,you have to do all these things
(02:54):
because that's how it's supposedto work.
Well, no, it's not.
Shanna Star (02:57):
Yeah.
And so what changed that foryou?
What changed into thinking youhad to put that on versus
becoming the actual confidentyou?
SPEAKER_00 (03:06):
So two things.
One, what two different eventshappened in my life.
One was I was at this women'sevent.
There were probably 600 women inthe room.
And for so long, I pretendedthat I was really strong.
I never cried, like literallydidn't cry for years.
And I was sitting there withclose friends, and I'd never
(03:29):
told them the things that I hadstruggled with.
I had an abusive boyfriend inhigh school that really kind of
changed my path moving forward.
And I sat at that event and theystarted playing Colby Calais's
music video try, where it's likepeeling back the layers and
really showing your authenticself.
And I just had this moment whereI started crying.
(03:54):
And my friends were like, Oh mygosh, what do we do with her?
Because they weren't used to it.
Like, that doesn't happen.
She doesn't cry.
And it was my moment where Itold my truth, all the things
that I was struggling with.
And what was interesting is Ialways thought, you know, I
looked at my friends andthought, oh my gosh, they have
the most perfect life.
Like they don't struggle at all.
(04:14):
And it was so not true becauseas soon as I started opening up,
they started opening up too.
And I was like, oh wait, I amnot alone.
Right.
And so that's one of the biggestlessons I've learned is that,
you know, when you're strugglingwith something, don't hold it
in.
Like other people need you tosay it so they can say it too.
SPEAKER_01 (04:32):
Yeah.
Shanna Star (04:33):
Something already interesting you said was that as
soon as you started beingvulnerable, they did too.
Because I just did uh just alittle speaking event not too
long ago where you know BreneBrown talks about vulnerability
and it's you know the very firstthing we want to see in other
people and the very last thingwe want to show in ourselves.
Um, but as a photographerfull-time, it's kind of my job
to pull that out of people.
So I found just like you said,if I'm vulnerable first, even
(04:56):
though it was scary the firstfew times, it gives permission
for other people to bevulnerable too.
And it's such a beautiful thing.
Um, it builds friendships andthat connection so much
differently than holding it in,like you said.
Except I'm a ball baby, I'm theopposite of what you said.
And then I know I know formyself, and you said too, there
(05:17):
was some action in thatconfidence.
And I really think confidencecomes from those actions,
whether big or small.
And I know you've had some big,bold actions and then some
smaller ones too.
So, what are some maybe small,more tactical steps or ways
people can start buildingconfidence if they're listening
and they're like, okay, well,how do I start to get that
confidence or start to just showwho I am?
SPEAKER_00 (05:38):
I think a big part of it is the way we talk to
ourselves.
I think that's step number one.
We talk to ourselves in a waythat we would never talk to our
best friend, right?
I mean, the things that we sayto ourselves sometimes are so
mean, but you wouldn't say thatto someone you love.
Well, hello, we need to loveourselves, right?
We need to start right here andthink about ourselves as our
(06:00):
best friend.
I mean, we're gonna be with usas long as we're alive.
So why not wake up in themorning and treat ourselves with
kindness?
So I used to be someone who didsay horrible things to myself,
right?
Oh my gosh, I can't believe yougained weight again.
What's wrong with you?
You're not pretty enough, right?
And oh my gosh, I can't believeyou can't figure this out.
(06:20):
And there was a moment where mydaughter, who I have the podcast
with, when she was about 15, Iwas getting ready for an event
and she walked in the room and Iwas saying mean things to myself
in the mirror.
And she said, Okay, first ofall, you're beautiful.
Second of all, you need to stop.
You're giving me a complex.
(06:41):
How do you expect me to love mybody when you don't even like
your own?
And it was such a huge wake-upcall for me because I can say
all I want, right?
I can say, Oh my gosh, you're sobeautiful.
And you know, you don't have toworry about that.
But if I'm treating myself likecrap, what do you think my kids
are gonna do?
Like modeling matters way morethan managing.
(07:03):
So the things that we say toourselves, that's what our kids
hear, and that's what they'regonna repeat to themselves.
And so for me, that mindsetshift of wow, uh, it's not just
me that I'm affecting, I'maffecting the people around us.
So, step number one, that was along way of saying, step number
one is think about the wordsthat you say to yourself.
(07:24):
And a lot of times people talkabout the fake it till you make
it.
I believe in say it until youbecome it, right?
So tell yourself that you'recapable.
Tell yourself that you're worthybecause you are.
And the more you do that, themore you become.
Shanna Star (07:40):
Yeah.
I love what you said too,because again, as a photographer
full-time, I see so many women.
I'll ask them, like, okay, whatdo you love about yourself?
So I can bring that out.
And very often they'llimmediately say, Well, I hate,
and they'll point out the thingsthat they hate, which we all
have things that we don't love,and that's okay.
It's okay to admit that.
Um, but I see a lot of um momscalling out things they don't
(08:04):
like about themselves in frontof their daughters.
And I don't have children, so Iknow I'm coming from a place of
ignorance on that part, but I'malways like, as a daughter, my
mom didn't say anything negativeabout herself in front of me.
And it was something that I knowreally had an impact on me.
Of course, I had my ownexperiences that, you know,
damage parts of my confidencelater in life.
(08:26):
But I always say, like, like yousaid, it's so important,
especially for moms, to modelthat because they see what a
woman looks like, uh, whetherthat's taking time for yourself
or just how you speak toyourself.
So I'm so glad that you touchedon that as well.
SPEAKER_00 (08:40):
And there's so many different things we can do.
So I have a little, you know, weall have that voice inside our
head, right?
That likes to sabotage things,that likes to tell us we're not
good enough.
Um, I call it the what ifwhisperer.
And I named her.
That way I can separate her.
So her name is Sally Fine, whichstands for freaked out,
insecure, neurotic, andemotional.
And uh, and so for me,understanding when that voice
(09:04):
comes in my head that I yes, I'mwe're all gonna have negative
thoughts.
I mean, that's just how itworks, but it's what you do with
them.
So my little mindset hack iscalled control alt-delete.
Back in the day, that's how wewould reset a frozen computer.
Now it brings up task manager.
But, you know, sometimes ourminds freeze too, right?
We get stuck in that comparisongame, we spiral in self-doubt,
(09:26):
we constantly apologize forthings that we should not be
apologizing for.
So control is about awareness.
Okay, the thought that's runningyour day, is it real?
Is it valid?
Like, is it is it helpful?
Most of the answer, it's not.
Most of the answer, it's a storythat you're telling yourself, a
negative story.
Alt is about alternative.
Tell yourself a better story,right?
(09:46):
Instead of I can't, I can, orwhat if I fail?
How about when I succeed?
It really does make adifference.
And the last part is delete.
Delete the habits and beliefsthat don't serve you.
Delete the comparison game, um,delete the belief that you're
not enough because it is nottrue, right?
So anytime I have those thoughtscome in that said, oh no, you
(10:06):
don't, you don't belong here,control delete.
It's like, yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Stop trying to tell me that,Sally.
Shanna Star (10:14):
And I think it's important too that you said like
you still practice that evenafter years of practicing it.
It doesn't necessarily go away.
It might show up less or in adifferent way, but it's
something to consistently workon.
So having that habit in yourhead of, okay, you know, turning
that around, that control andthat alternative is so important
because I think so many womengo, oh, well, if you're
(10:34):
confident, then you're justalways confident.
And that's not the case.
You still have to argue thelittle voices, like you said, in
your head.
So I think that's important too.
SPEAKER_00 (10:44):
Confidence is a skill.
It's a skill that you build.
And if if you think about itsimilar to working out or what
you eat or learning anotherlanguage, you don't do it one
time and whoa, it's there,right?
You don't go to the one, the gymone time and become super fit.
You don't take one Spanishlesson and become, yeah, I know,
right?
Like that would be amazing.
(11:04):
Or you don't take one Spanishlesson and become fluent.
Like it is constantly apractice.
So why would building confidenceor mind changes in mindset be
any different, right?
It's something you have to workon all the time.
But I think people have thisidea in their head, you're
either confident or you're not,but it really doesn't work that
way.
And that's, you know, thescience behind it is you have to
work on these things and notjust think that it's for
(11:27):
somebody else and it's not foryou.
Shanna Star (11:28):
Yeah.
You have had a significant, Iwould say, maybe not, well,
risk, yes, out of your comfortzone with an amazing climb that
you did.
And I'm sure there were momentsthat you didn't feel 100%
confident in that.
Will you talk about that andwhat the outcome was with your
confidence through that wholejourney and that climb?
SPEAKER_00 (11:50):
Yeah.
So that was this was actuallythe second part to when we were
talking about the event where Ibroke down crying.
The thing that really like thatwas kind of the beginning of my
transformation.
And the next big step wasclimbing Kilimanjaro.
And I did that in 2015.
I am not a climber.
I live in Florida.
(12:10):
I have 16 steps in my house.
I've gone camping twice.
Like that, so it's completelyout of my comfort zone.
And a lot of people ask me,like, why would you do something
like that?
And I kind of have two answersfor it.
Well, maybe three.
I have no idea, would be numberone.
Um, number two was I was so usedto being a people pleaser that
I, if I said no to something, Ithought it was disappointing
(12:33):
somebody.
And then the final part, whichis really the most important
part, was that I knew that I wasstruggling and I knew that I
need to really get out of mycomfort, comfort zone and do
something different.
Uh, climbing a mountain was alot different, but a friend of
ours asked, he had climbed itthe year before.
He asked my husband if he wasinterested.
And my husband said, No, thankyou.
(12:54):
Uh, call Simone.
And so he did.
And I said yes.
And I I trained for six monthsand got myself into the best
shape of my life.
Now I'm I had shoulder surgery,so I'm probably in one of the
worst, you know, in terms oflike, I was like, Oh, that was
hard walking down the street.
So now it's like getting myselfback back there again.
(13:16):
But again, you have to build it,right?
You have to keep working onthings.
As soon as you stop, it doesn'twork.
And so Kilmanjar was, there were16 of us.
I didn't know anybody on theteam.
We were raising money for theLive Strong Foundation, and the
people were amazing, right?
It was leadership in motion.
You know, you talk aboutleadership, leadership on a
(13:36):
mountain is a whole differentballgame, right?
Seeing if someone's struggling,does everybody stay back?
Or how do we deal with certainissues?
And, you know, if someone'scomplaining, how do we bring
them back into the moment tohelp them realize what they're
capable of right now?
And it was really powerful.
And for me, reaching the summit,it wasn't yes, it was really
(14:02):
important, but it was the start.
It was the action of actuallydoing it, showing up there by
myself, right?
And doing something so differentfor me, that was really the
biggest confidence builder.
And what I realized on that tripis that I don't need to worry
about what anybody else isthinking.
You know, I need to set a goaland put in the work.
(14:22):
I think so often we set a goal,but we don't put in the work.
So it's the work part that thatreally matters.
Shanna Star (14:28):
Yeah, absolutely.
There's two kind of questions Ihad from that.
And one was were there momentswhile you were doing the climb
and while you were hiking thatyou felt like your body was
telling you no?
And then that shift for yourmind had to take over because
it's always, I can't rememberthe statistic, but it's like
when you think you're done, whenyour body thinks you're done,
(14:49):
you're only like 40% done orsomething like that.
So I'd love to hear about that.
But then also when you got tothe summit, or maybe when you
got back down, what did you thenstart shifting into?
Okay, here's what I know that Ican do and I want to do
something new next.
And what did that look like?
SPEAKER_00 (15:05):
Yeah.
So I mean, I definitely had alot, a lot of moments that I was
like, oh my gosh, what did I getmyself into?
What am I doing?
It's freezing, everything hurts.
I'd had two previous kneesurgeries, so my knee was like a
balloon, didn't matter like thatI was wearing a brace or not.
So yeah, there was a lot of, youknow, Sally was very active on
that trip.
(15:25):
She was telling me all thethings.
And I mean, I kept saying tomyself, one more step, right?
One more step, you've got this.
And that was such a big mindsetshift for me, instead of saying,
Oh no, you you you're notcapable of this.
It was like, oh yeah, you've gotthis, one more step.
And when we got to the summit,that and and actually coming
(15:50):
down the mountain, thatrealization of okay, what do I
really want?
Instead of so much of my life,and I trust me, I love my life.
I've been married to my husbandfor 32 years.
We have six kids, like it'samazing.
But what do I want for me?
Because my whole life had beenbuilt about what I wanted for
everybody else.
And so that's when I startedspeaking, that's when I started
(16:15):
writing, and I have a completelydifferent life than I would have
if I wouldn't have taken thisone risk.
And um, yeah, there were peoplethat would say to me, Oh, you
really think you're gonna makeit to the top?
No, I think I'm gonna make ithalfway, that's why I'm doing
it.
Or isn't it really selfish foryou to leave six kids at home uh
while you go climb a mountain?
(16:36):
I mean you're not a climber.
Like, what if something happens?
Okay.
Well, first of all, self-care isnever selfish.
And I think the the funniestpart of the of that one was that
I got a lot of, oh my gosh, yourhusband is so amazing.
He's gonna take care of yourkids while you're gone for two
weeks climbing a mountain, andhe has to work too.
And I was like, they're hiskids, they're his kids too,
(16:56):
right?
I mean, he's completelysupportive, but you have it in
your head that like I was like,and I take care of them every
day, right?
So, but it was just it wasreally interesting to hear other
people's thoughts on it.
And that was really a turningpoint for me to say that you
don't have to listen to this.
A lot of times when people aresaying negative things to you,
(17:17):
it's because of how they feelabout themselves.
SPEAKER_01 (17:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:19):
And and not how they feel about you.
But we take it so personallythat it does affect our
confidence because we're like,oh, wait, you don't think I can
do this?
Oh, maybe I can't do this.
No, that's not true.
We we don't need to listen tothat at all.
And yeah, so from there I, youknow, now I'm speaking and
writing and have this podcastwith my daughter, which the more
(17:40):
I talk to people, the morethey're like, that is just so
unusual.
The fact that your 22-year-olddaughter actually wants to talk
to you on a show, like that'spretty cool.
Shanna Star (17:51):
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I was writing a few notes down,and it's so interesting that you
said even other people wereputting their own uh self-doubts
on you within that.
And that's a whole conversationin itself as well.
(19:17):
But I think about when my mom,when I was younger, I feel like
she gave everything to me,right?
Her whole life was me.
And I'm very appreciative.
I've talked about this before,very appreciative of what she
gave me.
But it was really when I startednoticing her be a woman outside
of being just a mom, quotes, iswhen I really started to respect
her and see like she's a woman.
(19:40):
And that has an impact on yourchildren.
So when I saw her, you know, I'dpeek around the corner and see
her read, or she started toexercise, or all these things, I
was like, yes, that's importantfor moms too, because it's
showing your kids that you'reimportant.
Um, and so I love that you didthat.
And of course, I can't evenbelieve that the I guess I can
(20:01):
about the kids being home withdad.
They are his kids too.
It's not babysitting, he's watchthe kids, you know.
SPEAKER_00 (20:07):
It's so funny.
I love that you said that aboutyour mom because uh my daughter
and I were recording an episodea few weeks ago, and someone
asked her, So, what's the mostinteresting thing that you've
learned about your mom?
And she goes, Uh, that she'shuman, right?
I mean, she said for so long Ithought of her as mom, like
she's the one who fixeseverything, she's the one who
(20:30):
does everything for us.
And seeing that different sideof that, she has a life as well
beyond us, which as a kid, whenyou were younger, you didn't see
that.
You were like, Oh, this is whatshe does.
She does all the things for us,and that's what she does.
So, um, same kind ofrealization, which I think is
really cool.
Shanna Star (20:48):
Yeah, and so I guess you already answered some
of this, but now that you'vemoved through some of those,
that criticism, how have youhandled criticism and setbacks
now when you hear it from otherpeople?
Or not maybe a fail, but itdidn't go as you planned.
Like, how have you learned tochange that mindset now and
(21:10):
learn from those experiences?
SPEAKER_00 (21:12):
So that's actually all part of what I call my real
method, which is respectyourself, embrace your failures,
ask yourself what you want andlive without limits.
So the embracing your failures,I think, is is a it's such an
important piece.
For so long, if I failed atsomething, I'd be like, well,
not doing that again.
Instead of what did I learn fromthat?
(21:33):
And that's really what I takeaway now is what did I learn
from that and how can I do itbetter next time, instead of
saying, ooh, no, that's way tooscary to ever try again.
And that was a big turning, andthat whole method came out of
Kilmanjaro, like seeing from youknow, seeing my transformation
that I had in terms of reallynot worrying about what other
(21:56):
people think.
And, you know, when I havepeople say things to me now, um,
I actually respond with aquestion.
What, oh, why why would you askthat?
You know, or why would you saythat?
Like, what is your thoughtprocess behind that?
Instead of getting defensiveright away, a lot of times
people don't know what to say tothat because they're like, wait,
wait, what did I just say toher?
(22:17):
And now she's asking me aquestion about that.
But I think it's important forme not to get like upset about
what anybody else thinks, youknow, they're thinking that for
a reason.
So let me ask them why.
Why would you think that?
Or why would you say that?
And it usually catches peopleoff guard and they're like, Oh,
well, well, I didn't really meanit like that.
Okay, well, what'd you mean?
(22:38):
You know, talk it through.
And it's uncomfortable, but Ithink it's important because a
lot of times I think peopledon't realize that they're being
negative because it's justthey've done it for so long.
And so if if I can help them,one person get out of that
mindset of you know, you youcan't do that, yes, you can.
So I think it's so important forme.
Shanna Star (23:00):
Yeah, and what you said about failing, I feel like
often, uh probably men too, butwomen for sure, when they uh
quote, fail or it doesn't gotheir way, they feel that is a
sign that they shouldn't bedoing it.
When they think they should be,you tried it once, you failed at
it that one time, therefore it'sthe sign not to do it.
(23:22):
And I completely disagree.
Of course, it's it's challengesand it's and it's confidence
building, and it's almost theworld letting you know like, do
you want this?
You gotta keep going, you gottatry again.
Um and there might be a timewhere there's some things we
shouldn't be doing.
I'm not saying that, but I wejust so often see one failure as
(23:42):
uh permission to quit.
And I and I love that you didsomething so challenging because
you weren't going to quit, eventhough people had already put
that in your head.
So that's incredible.
Um what maybe would be a pieceof advice then to a friend who
is struggling with theirself-esteem and how to start
doing that control all delete orjust to even a simple habit per
(24:06):
day to just shift into someself-love that way or
self-esteem.
SPEAKER_00 (24:11):
Yeah, I there well, I got lots of answers, but um
one big one is do the things youthink you can't, you know.
You tell yourself all the timethat you you can't do something.
Why why can't you?
Right.
So as simple as, oh, I can't dothat today because, right?
Okay, yes, you can, right?
I and I see this with my kidstoo.
They're like, oh no, I'm toobusy to do that.
(24:31):
And then I'm like, you'restrolling, you're scrolling on
your phone for like an hour.
You could have done that 10times over.
SPEAKER_01 (24:36):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
Um, but they're afraid to to do something
different.
And so it, I mean, it's uhasking yourself that question,
why can't I?
instead of saying, Oh no, Ican't.
And really, I would say tomorrowmorning when you wake up, you
have a choice every morning.
You have a choice to be happy,you have a choice to be
miserable.
Yes, there are external factors,but it's how we know how we
(24:58):
respond to those.
So, do you really want to wakeup in the morning and say, Well,
this is gonna be the crappiestday ever, right?
No, who wants to do that?
So it really is about how youapproach the way you talk to
yourself, the way you seeyourself.
And, you know, I'm a bigbeliever in that.
We don't need to change who weare, we need to change the way
we see ourselves.
(25:18):
So when we wake up in themorning, you're not gonna love
everything you see in themirror.
Nobody ever will, right?
But there are things aboutyourself that you will and start
with those.
It's not toxic positivity, it'sstarting with, you know, this
connection to yourself that onlyyou can have.
And do you want it to be bad ordo you want it to be good?
Like ask yourself that simplequestion.
(25:39):
I mean, I want to show up as thebest person I can every day.
I want to show up happy.
I don't want to get out of bedand say, well, yeah, this is how
I'm this is how I'm gonna betoday because this is just
awful.
Okay, no, I don't want to dothat.
Shanna Star (25:52):
Yeah.
And I think that's important tosay too, because there are
people who tend to be negativethat because they wake up
negative, they tend to see thenegative.
So it looks like they just aresurrounded by negativity, but
it's because they they see it,they choose to see it.
Of course, we all have negativethings that are happening in our
lives, but you're right tochoose the things that are good
(26:13):
or that we feel confident in.
Uh, and I think another piece ofthat is also starting to put
yourself in places that areuncomfortable, trying to be
comfortable in uncomfortability,which is very scary.
Uh, and it doesn't have to startby you climbing an amazing
mountain, which I think it'sincredible, but it can start
just by going in a roomnetworking where you're not
(26:35):
comfortable, um, or traveling toa place that you might not have
traveled before.
Um, so I love that as well.
And just stepping into that.
SPEAKER_00 (26:44):
Yeah, I would say that's something that I do a lot
more of now, which I never usedto do because I I am an
introvert.
I am a and people would say, No,you're not.
Yeah, I am.
I'm an extroverted introvert.
I'm an introverted extrovert.
Yeah, because I I I have to, Ihave to put myself out there.
But would I prefer to just sitat home on the couch and watch
(27:07):
TV?
Yeah, but no, that's not likethe way I want to live my life.
So I push myself to get outthere.
And every time I do, I meetamazing people.
I learn something new, right?
And I think if we go into itwith that mindset, not like, oh
my gosh, I have to do this.
I can't believe I have to dothis.
It's more like, oh my gosh, whatam I gonna come away with from
(27:28):
this?
And it's exactly that.
Every time I go on a podcast,like I meet an amazing human,
right?
I mean, what if you would haveasked me, I don't know when I
first started doing podcasts,but I don't know, less than 10
years ago, would I ever betalking to people I don't know
on a podcast?
No way.
Right.
Would I have a podcast, invitepeople on?
No way.
(27:49):
But it's this incrediblelearning process and you see the
world so differently when youwhen you get uncomfortable, when
you start putting yourself outthere.
And actually, when I look backat things now, I think it's more
uncomfortable to not do thosethings, right?
You're like sitting in a placeof like you don't feel good
because you're not challengingyourself, right?
(28:09):
If you don't try, you'll neverknow.
Shanna Star (28:11):
Yeah.
I feel the same way aboutpodcasting.
It's so interesting because wewe do this for our for people
listening.
We want to connect with peopleand help people and encourage
them.
And it's interesting becausethere's times where I'll leave
the the interview and I'll belike, oh, I feel so selfish
because I feel like I got somuch from it.
Which it's not selfish.
Of course, we're gonna getsomething from learning from
(28:32):
another amazing human.
Um, but but I agree, podcastinghas been wonderful and meeting
people that you would have neverhave met or maybe come across
ever.
Uh so it's such a great platformto be able to have that.
And it just it's been wonderful.
So and how long have you beendoing your podcast with your
daughter as well?
SPEAKER_00 (28:53):
So uh a little bit over two years, a little bit
over two years, and yeah, again,we we we started at first like
kind of like uh a little bithere and there, and then I was
like, okay, we either stop or weget serious.
Yeah, and we're like, okay,let's get serious.
So we have an episode everyTuesday.
Uh we recorded one this morning,and you know, she's in law
(29:16):
school, so it has to work aroundher schedule, so it makes it a
little bit more complicated, butit works.
And what we realize every time,exactly what you said about what
we take away each time.
Like today, we were recordingwith a woman who her whole thing
is about communication.
And you know, one of the thingswe're talking about is for me,
when the kids eat something andthey put their dish in the sink,
(29:39):
I'm like, the dishwasher is likea foot away.
What is so hard about that?
You know, but instead of goingin there and like attacking,
there's a better way to do itand saying like what your needs
are instead of saying, like,can't believe you don't do this.
Because that's my instantresponse was like, What is wrong
with you?
Like, put it in the dishwasher,right?
So, you know, definitely tookaway something.
(30:00):
This morning, about better waysto communicate, which until you
hear someone say it, you'relike, Oh, yeah, that makes a lot
of sense, right?
SPEAKER_01 (30:08):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (30:08):
Um but and then having with Olivia, you know,
she's always there's so muchstress with her school and
having her leave an episode andsay, I really needed this today.
Like I really feel so differentabout myself right now because
of having this experience.
So I mean, which has beenamazing.
Shanna Star (30:30):
So what is maybe a few things on the horizon for
you, things that you haveupcoming that you're excited
about?
Tell us a little about your bookthat's coming out soon, all the
good books.
SPEAKER_00 (30:42):
Yeah.
So um, speaking, I mean, I havemore speaking gigs coming up,
which I love.
I talk obviously, I talk abouthelping women build real
confidence.
Um, I also talk about uh theidea of kitchen table
leadership.
So I feel like we've been soldthis very narrow view of what
leadership is.
It's the the title, it's theboardroom, it's the corner
(31:02):
office.
But leadership, it's the thingswe do every day, like the
decisions that we make, thethings behind the scene, and so
many of our decisions start andhappen around the kitchen table.
So that that's a big part of myspeaking as well.
And the thing I'm most excitedabout is my new book, uh Real
Confidence, a simple guide to gofrom unsure to unshakable, comes
(31:24):
out on February 17th.
That has been a much longerprocess.
My first book came out in 2020,and that one was called The
Extraordinary, Unordinary You.
It was perfect timing, 2020.
SPEAKER_01 (31:36):
That's amazing.
SPEAKER_00 (31:38):
Um but I've learned a lot, right?
I've it's interesting when Iwrote the first book.
I thought, oh, if you write it,they will come.
No, they won't.
They don't know you exist,right?
So um really trying to do betterwith the marketing side.
It it's funny as anentrepreneur, you have to do so
many different things, right?
(31:59):
So if I'm speaking and I'mwriting and I'm podcasting, but
I also have to be thesalesperson, I also have to be
the marketing person, and somany different sides that I
never thought I would have todo, but um, I'm learning every
single day, and I think that'sthe most and most important
part.
Shanna Star (32:16):
So I think that's part of confidence too, is just
following through.
Like you give yourself a task,you follow through.
It's like, woohoo, I did it.
So I can keep doing it, justlike you said.
So yeah, that's wonderful.
And how can we find you, followyou, get your book soon, and and
work with you or see you speak?
SPEAKER_00 (32:32):
Yeah.
So my website is the best placeto find me, Simone Kenego.com,
which is S-I-M-O-N-E-K-N-E-G-O.
And you can find my new book atrealconfidencebook.com, which
there's a bunch of bonuses onthere if you pre-order it, and
then I'm on social media prettymuch everywhere under Simone
Canego.
I I think Facebook, I'm speakerSimone Canego, but I'm the only
(32:53):
Simone Canego in the world.
So if you've written SimoneCanego, you will find me.
I love what happens when youhave like the name Simone and
then you married someone with afunky last name Kanago.
Shanna Star (33:03):
So you know and that'll all be in the notes too,
just in case they can't quicktype that in so that everyone
can find you, follow you, andget your book so that they can
pre-order too.
That's so exciting.
Well, I appreciate you coming onthe Shine podcast today and
speaking about confidence andjust being a confident woman who
works on that daily andcontinues to do that.
So thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
(33:24):
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start your beautiful galleriestoday.
Well, hello, hello, hello to all of you fabulous
people who shine.
I'm your host, Shauna Star.
This is the Shine Podcast.
Today I have Simone Canego onthe show.
She is a best-selling author ofthe Extraordinary, Unordinary
You, a two-time TED speaker andpodcast host.
And she also hosts that with herfabulous daughter.
(00:29):
And she's dedicated to helpingwomen and high achievers rewrite
self-doubt into confidence.
So that's what we're going to bespeaking about today is
confidence, what that looks likedefining it and what we can do
to work on it because it is, infact, a skill to work on.
She also is an amazing womanbecause she climbed Mount
Kilimanjaro, along with so manyother reasons why she is
(00:49):
amazing.
But I love that fact about herand we get to hear a little bit
about her story.
So let's get right to it.
Oh, welcome, Simone, to theShine Podcast.
I'm so excited to have you heretoday.
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
Thank you.
I'm excited to be here.
Shanna Star (01:01):
So today we're gonna kind of get into
confidence.
I know that you get to speakabout that with the books that
you've written and one comingout soon, but also on your
podcast that correct me if I'mwrong, that you do with your
daughter.
Is that right?
SPEAKER_00 (01:14):
Yeah.
So I have six children, but umthat podcast is with my
22-year-old daughter, which is ablast.
Shanna Star (01:20):
I love that.
Now tell me what that's calledagain.
Did it change names kind ofrecently-ish?
SPEAKER_00 (01:24):
So it's called Her Unshakable Confidence.
It changed about a year ago.
We decided to be more focused.
It used to be called theDaughter Dearest podcast, like,
you know, play on words fromMommy Dearest.
Yes.
Yeah.
Uh, but we were like, you know,what are we talking about here?
We're talking about helping herstep into the woman that she
(01:45):
wants to be.
And it's for her, it was allabout building confidence.
And it's amazing how well it'sworked.
Shanna Star (01:50):
Wonderful.
I love that.
Well, congratulations on allyou've been doing.
And I know we'll get into yourbook a little bit more that will
be coming out.
But I wanted to start with Iknow so many women struggle with
confidence or feel like they'rea fraud if they put that
confident like jacket on for theday or that hat on for the day.
So, what do you consider to be adefinition of confidence and
(02:11):
what that looks like?
SPEAKER_00 (02:13):
For me, confidence is being who you are, where who
that doesn't matter who you'rewith, doesn't matter where you
are.
So for years I put up thisfacade, pretended to be
something that I wasn't, hopingthat I'd fit in better that way,
or I didn't want to rock theboat, or I never felt good about
myself.
I mean, that was the big thingis I struggled so much with
(02:33):
self-doubt.
And I don't wear that maskanymore.
I show up as I am, and I figureif people don't like that, then
that's okay.
Right.
And I've never had an issue,honestly.
It's not like someone's beenlike, oh my gosh, you can't come
in here because you're wearingjeans.
No, it's never been an issue.
But in my mind, for years, itwas an issue.
Like I told myself, oh my gosh,you have to do all these things
(02:54):
because that's how it's supposedto work.
Well, no, it's not.
Shanna Star (02:57):
Yeah.
And so what changed that foryou?
What changed into thinking youhad to put that on versus
becoming the actual confidentyou?
SPEAKER_00 (03:06):
So two things.
One, what two different eventshappened in my life.
One was I was at this women'sevent.
There were probably 600 women inthe room.
And for so long, I pretendedthat I was really strong.
I never cried, like literallydidn't cry for years.
And I was sitting there withclose friends, and I'd never
(03:29):
told them the things that I hadstruggled with.
I had an abusive boyfriend inhigh school that really kind of
changed my path moving forward.
And I sat at that event and theystarted playing Colby Calais's
music video try, where it's likepeeling back the layers and
really showing your authenticself.
And I just had this moment whereI started crying.
(03:54):
And my friends were like, Oh mygosh, what do we do with her?
Because they weren't used to it.
Like, that doesn't happen.
She doesn't cry.
And it was my moment where Itold my truth, all the things
that I was struggling with.
And what was interesting is Ialways thought, you know, I
looked at my friends andthought, oh my gosh, they have
the most perfect life.
Like they don't struggle at all.
(04:14):
And it was so not true becauseas soon as I started opening up,
they started opening up too.
And I was like, oh wait, I amnot alone.
Right.
And so that's one of the biggestlessons I've learned is that,
you know, when you're strugglingwith something, don't hold it
in.
Like other people need you tosay it so they can say it too.
SPEAKER_01 (04:32):
Yeah.
Shanna Star (04:33):
Something already interesting you said was that as
soon as you started beingvulnerable, they did too.
Because I just did uh just alittle speaking event not too
long ago where you know BreneBrown talks about vulnerability
and it's you know the very firstthing we want to see in other
people and the very last thingwe want to show in ourselves.
Um, but as a photographerfull-time, it's kind of my job
to pull that out of people.
So I found just like you said,if I'm vulnerable first, even
(04:56):
though it was scary the firstfew times, it gives permission
for other people to bevulnerable too.
And it's such a beautiful thing.
Um, it builds friendships andthat connection so much
differently than holding it in,like you said.
Except I'm a ball baby, I'm theopposite of what you said.
And then I know I know formyself, and you said too, there
(05:17):
was some action in thatconfidence.
And I really think confidencecomes from those actions,
whether big or small.
And I know you've had some big,bold actions and then some
smaller ones too.
So, what are some maybe small,more tactical steps or ways
people can start buildingconfidence if they're listening
and they're like, okay, well,how do I start to get that
confidence or start to just showwho I am?
SPEAKER_00 (05:38):
I think a big part of it is the way we talk to
ourselves.
I think that's step number one.
We talk to ourselves in a waythat we would never talk to our
best friend, right?
I mean, the things that we sayto ourselves sometimes are so
mean, but you wouldn't say thatto someone you love.
Well, hello, we need to loveourselves, right?
We need to start right here andthink about ourselves as our
(06:00):
best friend.
I mean, we're gonna be with usas long as we're alive.
So why not wake up in themorning and treat ourselves with
kindness?
So I used to be someone who didsay horrible things to myself,
right?
Oh my gosh, I can't believe yougained weight again.
What's wrong with you?
You're not pretty enough, right?
And oh my gosh, I can't believeyou can't figure this out.
(06:20):
And there was a moment where mydaughter, who I have the podcast
with, when she was about 15, Iwas getting ready for an event
and she walked in the room and Iwas saying mean things to myself
in the mirror.
And she said, Okay, first ofall, you're beautiful.
Second of all, you need to stop.
You're giving me a complex.
(06:41):
How do you expect me to love mybody when you don't even like
your own?
And it was such a huge wake-upcall for me because I can say
all I want, right?
I can say, Oh my gosh, you're sobeautiful.
And you know, you don't have toworry about that.
But if I'm treating myself likecrap, what do you think my kids
are gonna do?
Like modeling matters way morethan managing.
(07:03):
So the things that we say toourselves, that's what our kids
hear, and that's what they'regonna repeat to themselves.
And so for me, that mindsetshift of wow, uh, it's not just
me that I'm affecting, I'maffecting the people around us.
So, step number one, that was along way of saying, step number
one is think about the wordsthat you say to yourself.
(07:24):
And a lot of times people talkabout the fake it till you make
it.
I believe in say it until youbecome it, right?
So tell yourself that you'recapable.
Tell yourself that you're worthybecause you are.
And the more you do that, themore you become.
Shanna Star (07:40):
Yeah.
I love what you said too,because again, as a photographer
full-time, I see so many women.
I'll ask them, like, okay, whatdo you love about yourself?
So I can bring that out.
And very often they'llimmediately say, Well, I hate,
and they'll point out the thingsthat they hate, which we all
have things that we don't love,and that's okay.
It's okay to admit that.
Um, but I see a lot of um momscalling out things they don't
(08:04):
like about themselves in frontof their daughters.
And I don't have children, so Iknow I'm coming from a place of
ignorance on that part, but I'malways like, as a daughter, my
mom didn't say anything negativeabout herself in front of me.
And it was something that I knowreally had an impact on me.
Of course, I had my ownexperiences that, you know,
damage parts of my confidencelater in life.
(08:26):
But I always say, like, like yousaid, it's so important,
especially for moms, to modelthat because they see what a
woman looks like, uh, whetherthat's taking time for yourself
or just how you speak toyourself.
So I'm so glad that you touchedon that as well.
SPEAKER_00 (08:40):
And there's so many different things we can do.
So I have a little, you know, weall have that voice inside our
head, right?
That likes to sabotage things,that likes to tell us we're not
good enough.
Um, I call it the what ifwhisperer.
And I named her.
That way I can separate her.
So her name is Sally Fine, whichstands for freaked out,
insecure, neurotic, andemotional.
And uh, and so for me,understanding when that voice
(09:04):
comes in my head that I yes, I'mwe're all gonna have negative
thoughts.
I mean, that's just how itworks, but it's what you do with
them.
So my little mindset hack iscalled control alt-delete.
Back in the day, that's how wewould reset a frozen computer.
Now it brings up task manager.
But, you know, sometimes ourminds freeze too, right?
We get stuck in that comparisongame, we spiral in self-doubt,
(09:26):
we constantly apologize forthings that we should not be
apologizing for.
So control is about awareness.
Okay, the thought that's runningyour day, is it real?
Is it valid?
Like, is it is it helpful?
Most of the answer, it's not.
Most of the answer, it's a storythat you're telling yourself, a
negative story.
Alt is about alternative.
Tell yourself a better story,right?
(09:46):
Instead of I can't, I can, orwhat if I fail?
How about when I succeed?
It really does make adifference.
And the last part is delete.
Delete the habits and beliefsthat don't serve you.
Delete the comparison game, um,delete the belief that you're
not enough because it is nottrue, right?
So anytime I have those thoughtscome in that said, oh no, you
(10:06):
don't, you don't belong here,control delete.
It's like, yes, I do.
Yes, I do.
Stop trying to tell me that,Sally.
Shanna Star (10:14):
And I think it's important too that you said like
you still practice that evenafter years of practicing it.
It doesn't necessarily go away.
It might show up less or in adifferent way, but it's
something to consistently workon.
So having that habit in yourhead of, okay, you know, turning
that around, that control andthat alternative is so important
because I think so many womengo, oh, well, if you're
(10:34):
confident, then you're justalways confident.
And that's not the case.
You still have to argue thelittle voices, like you said, in
your head.
So I think that's important too.
SPEAKER_00 (10:44):
Confidence is a skill.
It's a skill that you build.
And if if you think about itsimilar to working out or what
you eat or learning anotherlanguage, you don't do it one
time and whoa, it's there,right?
You don't go to the one, the gymone time and become super fit.
You don't take one Spanishlesson and become, yeah, I know,
right?
Like that would be amazing.
(11:04):
Or you don't take one Spanishlesson and become fluent.
Like it is constantly apractice.
So why would building confidenceor mind changes in mindset be
any different, right?
It's something you have to workon all the time.
But I think people have thisidea in their head, you're
either confident or you're not,but it really doesn't work that
way.
And that's, you know, thescience behind it is you have to
work on these things and notjust think that it's for
(11:27):
somebody else and it's not foryou.
Shanna Star (11:28):
Yeah.
You have had a significant, Iwould say, maybe not, well,
risk, yes, out of your comfortzone with an amazing climb that
you did.
And I'm sure there were momentsthat you didn't feel 100%
confident in that.
Will you talk about that andwhat the outcome was with your
confidence through that wholejourney and that climb?
SPEAKER_00 (11:50):
Yeah.
So that was this was actuallythe second part to when we were
talking about the event where Ibroke down crying.
The thing that really like thatwas kind of the beginning of my
transformation.
And the next big step wasclimbing Kilimanjaro.
And I did that in 2015.
I am not a climber.
I live in Florida.
(12:10):
I have 16 steps in my house.
I've gone camping twice.
Like that, so it's completelyout of my comfort zone.
And a lot of people ask me,like, why would you do something
like that?
And I kind of have two answersfor it.
Well, maybe three.
I have no idea, would be numberone.
Um, number two was I was so usedto being a people pleaser that
I, if I said no to something, Ithought it was disappointing
(12:33):
somebody.
And then the final part, whichis really the most important
part, was that I knew that I wasstruggling and I knew that I
need to really get out of mycomfort, comfort zone and do
something different.
Uh, climbing a mountain was alot different, but a friend of
ours asked, he had climbed itthe year before.
He asked my husband if he wasinterested.
And my husband said, No, thankyou.
(12:54):
Uh, call Simone.
And so he did.
And I said yes.
And I I trained for six monthsand got myself into the best
shape of my life.
Now I'm I had shoulder surgery,so I'm probably in one of the
worst, you know, in terms oflike, I was like, Oh, that was
hard walking down the street.
So now it's like getting myselfback back there again.
(13:16):
But again, you have to build it,right?
You have to keep working onthings.
As soon as you stop, it doesn'twork.
And so Kilmanjar was, there were16 of us.
I didn't know anybody on theteam.
We were raising money for theLive Strong Foundation, and the
people were amazing, right?
It was leadership in motion.
You know, you talk aboutleadership, leadership on a
(13:36):
mountain is a whole differentballgame, right?
Seeing if someone's struggling,does everybody stay back?
Or how do we deal with certainissues?
And, you know, if someone'scomplaining, how do we bring
them back into the moment tohelp them realize what they're
capable of right now?
And it was really powerful.
And for me, reaching the summit,it wasn't yes, it was really
(14:02):
important, but it was the start.
It was the action of actuallydoing it, showing up there by
myself, right?
And doing something so differentfor me, that was really the
biggest confidence builder.
And what I realized on that tripis that I don't need to worry
about what anybody else isthinking.
You know, I need to set a goaland put in the work.
(14:22):
I think so often we set a goal,but we don't put in the work.
So it's the work part that thatreally matters.
Shanna Star (14:28):
Yeah, absolutely.
There's two kind of questions Ihad from that.
And one was were there momentswhile you were doing the climb
and while you were hiking thatyou felt like your body was
telling you no?
And then that shift for yourmind had to take over because
it's always, I can't rememberthe statistic, but it's like
when you think you're done, whenyour body thinks you're done,
(14:49):
you're only like 40% done orsomething like that.
So I'd love to hear about that.
But then also when you got tothe summit, or maybe when you
got back down, what did you thenstart shifting into?
Okay, here's what I know that Ican do and I want to do
something new next.
And what did that look like?
SPEAKER_00 (15:05):
Yeah.
So I mean, I definitely had alot, a lot of moments that I was
like, oh my gosh, what did I getmyself into?
What am I doing?
It's freezing, everything hurts.
I'd had two previous kneesurgeries, so my knee was like a
balloon, didn't matter like thatI was wearing a brace or not.
So yeah, there was a lot of, youknow, Sally was very active on
that trip.
(15:25):
She was telling me all thethings.
And I mean, I kept saying tomyself, one more step, right?
One more step, you've got this.
And that was such a big mindsetshift for me, instead of saying,
Oh no, you you you're notcapable of this.
It was like, oh yeah, you've gotthis, one more step.
And when we got to the summit,that and and actually coming
(15:50):
down the mountain, thatrealization of okay, what do I
really want?
Instead of so much of my life,and I trust me, I love my life.
I've been married to my husbandfor 32 years.
We have six kids, like it'samazing.
But what do I want for me?
Because my whole life had beenbuilt about what I wanted for
everybody else.
And so that's when I startedspeaking, that's when I started
(16:15):
writing, and I have a completelydifferent life than I would have
if I wouldn't have taken thisone risk.
And um, yeah, there were peoplethat would say to me, Oh, you
really think you're gonna makeit to the top?
No, I think I'm gonna make ithalfway, that's why I'm doing
it.
Or isn't it really selfish foryou to leave six kids at home uh
while you go climb a mountain?
(16:36):
I mean you're not a climber.
Like, what if something happens?
Okay.
Well, first of all, self-care isnever selfish.
And I think the the funniestpart of the of that one was that
I got a lot of, oh my gosh, yourhusband is so amazing.
He's gonna take care of yourkids while you're gone for two
weeks climbing a mountain, andhe has to work too.
And I was like, they're hiskids, they're his kids too,
(16:56):
right?
I mean, he's completelysupportive, but you have it in
your head that like I was like,and I take care of them every
day, right?
So, but it was just it wasreally interesting to hear other
people's thoughts on it.
And that was really a turningpoint for me to say that you
don't have to listen to this.
A lot of times when people aresaying negative things to you,
(17:17):
it's because of how they feelabout themselves.
SPEAKER_01 (17:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:19):
And and not how they feel about you.
But we take it so personallythat it does affect our
confidence because we're like,oh, wait, you don't think I can
do this?
Oh, maybe I can't do this.
No, that's not true.
We we don't need to listen tothat at all.
And yeah, so from there I, youknow, now I'm speaking and
writing and have this podcastwith my daughter, which the more
(17:40):
I talk to people, the morethey're like, that is just so
unusual.
The fact that your 22-year-olddaughter actually wants to talk
to you on a show, like that'spretty cool.
Shanna Star (17:51):
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I was writing a few notes down,and it's so interesting that you
said even other people wereputting their own uh self-doubts
on you within that.
And that's a whole conversationin itself as well.
(19:17):
But I think about when my mom,when I was younger, I feel like
she gave everything to me,right?
Her whole life was me.
And I'm very appreciative.
I've talked about this before,very appreciative of what she
gave me.
But it was really when I startednoticing her be a woman outside
of being just a mom, quotes, iswhen I really started to respect
her and see like she's a woman.
(19:40):
And that has an impact on yourchildren.
So when I saw her, you know, I'dpeek around the corner and see
her read, or she started toexercise, or all these things, I
was like, yes, that's importantfor moms too, because it's
showing your kids that you'reimportant.
Um, and so I love that you didthat.
And of course, I can't evenbelieve that the I guess I can
(20:01):
about the kids being home withdad.
They are his kids too.
It's not babysitting, he's watchthe kids, you know.
SPEAKER_00 (20:07):
It's so funny.
I love that you said that aboutyour mom because uh my daughter
and I were recording an episodea few weeks ago, and someone
asked her, So, what's the mostinteresting thing that you've
learned about your mom?
And she goes, Uh, that she'shuman, right?
I mean, she said for so long Ithought of her as mom, like
she's the one who fixeseverything, she's the one who
(20:30):
does everything for us.
And seeing that different sideof that, she has a life as well
beyond us, which as a kid, whenyou were younger, you didn't see
that.
You were like, Oh, this is whatshe does.
She does all the things for us,and that's what she does.
So, um, same kind ofrealization, which I think is
really cool.
Shanna Star (20:48):
Yeah, and so I guess you already answered some
of this, but now that you'vemoved through some of those,
that criticism, how have youhandled criticism and setbacks
now when you hear it from otherpeople?
Or not maybe a fail, but itdidn't go as you planned.
Like, how have you learned tochange that mindset now and
(21:10):
learn from those experiences?
SPEAKER_00 (21:12):
So that's actually all part of what I call my real
method, which is respectyourself, embrace your failures,
ask yourself what you want andlive without limits.
So the embracing your failures,I think, is is a it's such an
important piece.
For so long, if I failed atsomething, I'd be like, well,
not doing that again.
Instead of what did I learn fromthat?
(21:33):
And that's really what I takeaway now is what did I learn
from that and how can I do itbetter next time, instead of
saying, ooh, no, that's way tooscary to ever try again.
And that was a big turning, andthat whole method came out of
Kilmanjaro, like seeing from youknow, seeing my transformation
that I had in terms of reallynot worrying about what other
(21:56):
people think.
And, you know, when I havepeople say things to me now, um,
I actually respond with aquestion.
What, oh, why why would you askthat?
You know, or why would you saythat?
Like, what is your thoughtprocess behind that?
Instead of getting defensiveright away, a lot of times
people don't know what to say tothat because they're like, wait,
wait, what did I just say toher?
(22:17):
And now she's asking me aquestion about that.
But I think it's important forme not to get like upset about
what anybody else thinks, youknow, they're thinking that for
a reason.
So let me ask them why.
Why would you think that?
Or why would you say that?
And it usually catches peopleoff guard and they're like, Oh,
well, well, I didn't really meanit like that.
Okay, well, what'd you mean?
(22:38):
You know, talk it through.
And it's uncomfortable, but Ithink it's important because a
lot of times I think peopledon't realize that they're being
negative because it's justthey've done it for so long.
And so if if I can help them,one person get out of that
mindset of you know, you youcan't do that, yes, you can.
So I think it's so important forme.
Shanna Star (23:00):
Yeah, and what you said about failing, I feel like
often, uh probably men too, butwomen for sure, when they uh
quote, fail or it doesn't gotheir way, they feel that is a
sign that they shouldn't bedoing it.
When they think they should be,you tried it once, you failed at
it that one time, therefore it'sthe sign not to do it.
(23:22):
And I completely disagree.
Of course, it's it's challengesand it's and it's confidence
building, and it's almost theworld letting you know like, do
you want this?
You gotta keep going, you gottatry again.
Um and there might be a timewhere there's some things we
shouldn't be doing.
I'm not saying that, but I wejust so often see one failure as
(23:42):
uh permission to quit.
And I and I love that you didsomething so challenging because
you weren't going to quit, eventhough people had already put
that in your head.
So that's incredible.
Um what maybe would be a pieceof advice then to a friend who
is struggling with theirself-esteem and how to start
doing that control all delete orjust to even a simple habit per
(24:06):
day to just shift into someself-love that way or
self-esteem.
SPEAKER_00 (24:11):
Yeah, I there well, I got lots of answers, but um
one big one is do the things youthink you can't, you know.
You tell yourself all the timethat you you can't do something.
Why why can't you?
Right.
So as simple as, oh, I can't dothat today because, right?
Okay, yes, you can, right?
I and I see this with my kidstoo.
They're like, oh no, I'm toobusy to do that.
(24:31):
And then I'm like, you'restrolling, you're scrolling on
your phone for like an hour.
You could have done that 10times over.
SPEAKER_01 (24:36):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
Um, but they're afraid to to do something
different.
And so it, I mean, it's uhasking yourself that question,
why can't I?
instead of saying, Oh no, Ican't.
And really, I would say tomorrowmorning when you wake up, you
have a choice every morning.
You have a choice to be happy,you have a choice to be
miserable.
Yes, there are external factors,but it's how we know how we
(24:58):
respond to those.
So, do you really want to wakeup in the morning and say, Well,
this is gonna be the crappiestday ever, right?
No, who wants to do that?
So it really is about how youapproach the way you talk to
yourself, the way you seeyourself.
And, you know, I'm a bigbeliever in that.
We don't need to change who weare, we need to change the way
we see ourselves.
(25:18):
So when we wake up in themorning, you're not gonna love
everything you see in themirror.
Nobody ever will, right?
But there are things aboutyourself that you will and start
with those.
It's not toxic positivity, it'sstarting with, you know, this
connection to yourself that onlyyou can have.
And do you want it to be bad ordo you want it to be good?
Like ask yourself that simplequestion.
(25:39):
I mean, I want to show up as thebest person I can every day.
I want to show up happy.
I don't want to get out of bedand say, well, yeah, this is how
I'm this is how I'm gonna betoday because this is just
awful.
Okay, no, I don't want to dothat.
Shanna Star (25:52):
Yeah.
And I think that's important tosay too, because there are
people who tend to be negativethat because they wake up
negative, they tend to see thenegative.
So it looks like they just aresurrounded by negativity, but
it's because they they see it,they choose to see it.
Of course, we all have negativethings that are happening in our
lives, but you're right tochoose the things that are good
(26:13):
or that we feel confident in.
Uh, and I think another piece ofthat is also starting to put
yourself in places that areuncomfortable, trying to be
comfortable in uncomfortability,which is very scary.
Uh, and it doesn't have to startby you climbing an amazing
mountain, which I think it'sincredible, but it can start
just by going in a roomnetworking where you're not
(26:35):
comfortable, um, or traveling toa place that you might not have
traveled before.
Um, so I love that as well.
And just stepping into that.
SPEAKER_00 (26:44):
Yeah, I would say that's something that I do a lot
more of now, which I never usedto do because I I am an
introvert.
I am a and people would say, No,you're not.
Yeah, I am.
I'm an extroverted introvert.
I'm an introverted extrovert.
Yeah, because I I I have to, Ihave to put myself out there.
But would I prefer to just sitat home on the couch and watch
(27:07):
TV?
Yeah, but no, that's not likethe way I want to live my life.
So I push myself to get outthere.
And every time I do, I meetamazing people.
I learn something new, right?
And I think if we go into itwith that mindset, not like, oh
my gosh, I have to do this.
I can't believe I have to dothis.
It's more like, oh my gosh, whatam I gonna come away with from
(27:28):
this?
And it's exactly that.
Every time I go on a podcast,like I meet an amazing human,
right?
I mean, what if you would haveasked me, I don't know when I
first started doing podcasts,but I don't know, less than 10
years ago, would I ever betalking to people I don't know
on a podcast?
No way.
Right.
Would I have a podcast, invitepeople on?
No way.
(27:49):
But it's this incrediblelearning process and you see the
world so differently when youwhen you get uncomfortable, when
you start putting yourself outthere.
And actually, when I look backat things now, I think it's more
uncomfortable to not do thosethings, right?
You're like sitting in a placeof like you don't feel good
because you're not challengingyourself, right?
(28:09):
If you don't try, you'll neverknow.
Shanna Star (28:11):
Yeah.
I feel the same way aboutpodcasting.
It's so interesting because wewe do this for our for people
listening.
We want to connect with peopleand help people and encourage
them.
And it's interesting becausethere's times where I'll leave
the the interview and I'll belike, oh, I feel so selfish
because I feel like I got somuch from it.
Which it's not selfish.
Of course, we're gonna getsomething from learning from
(28:32):
another amazing human.
Um, but but I agree, podcastinghas been wonderful and meeting
people that you would have neverhave met or maybe come across
ever.
Uh so it's such a great platformto be able to have that.
And it just it's been wonderful.
So and how long have you beendoing your podcast with your
daughter as well?
SPEAKER_00 (28:53):
So uh a little bit over two years, a little bit
over two years, and yeah, again,we we we started at first like
kind of like uh a little bithere and there, and then I was
like, okay, we either stop or weget serious.
Yeah, and we're like, okay,let's get serious.
So we have an episode everyTuesday.
Uh we recorded one this morning,and you know, she's in law
(29:16):
school, so it has to work aroundher schedule, so it makes it a
little bit more complicated, butit works.
And what we realize every time,exactly what you said about what
we take away each time.
Like today, we were recordingwith a woman who her whole thing
is about communication.
And you know, one of the thingswe're talking about is for me,
when the kids eat something andthey put their dish in the sink,
(29:39):
I'm like, the dishwasher is likea foot away.
What is so hard about that?
You know, but instead of goingin there and like attacking,
there's a better way to do itand saying like what your needs
are instead of saying, like,can't believe you don't do this.
Because that's my instantresponse was like, What is wrong
with you?
Like, put it in the dishwasher,right?
So, you know, definitely tookaway something.
(30:00):
This morning, about better waysto communicate, which until you
hear someone say it, you'relike, Oh, yeah, that makes a lot
of sense, right?
SPEAKER_01 (30:08):
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (30:08):
Um but and then having with Olivia, you know,
she's always there's so muchstress with her school and
having her leave an episode andsay, I really needed this today.
Like I really feel so differentabout myself right now because
of having this experience.
So I mean, which has beenamazing.
Shanna Star (30:30):
So what is maybe a few things on the horizon for
you, things that you haveupcoming that you're excited
about?
Tell us a little about your bookthat's coming out soon, all the
good books.
SPEAKER_00 (30:42):
Yeah.
So um, speaking, I mean, I havemore speaking gigs coming up,
which I love.
I talk obviously, I talk abouthelping women build real
confidence.
Um, I also talk about uh theidea of kitchen table
leadership.
So I feel like we've been soldthis very narrow view of what
leadership is.
It's the the title, it's theboardroom, it's the corner
(31:02):
office.
But leadership, it's the thingswe do every day, like the
decisions that we make, thethings behind the scene, and so
many of our decisions start andhappen around the kitchen table.
So that that's a big part of myspeaking as well.
And the thing I'm most excitedabout is my new book, uh Real
Confidence, a simple guide to gofrom unsure to unshakable, comes
(31:24):
out on February 17th.
That has been a much longerprocess.
My first book came out in 2020,and that one was called The
Extraordinary, Unordinary You.
It was perfect timing, 2020.
SPEAKER_01 (31:36):
That's amazing.
SPEAKER_00 (31:38):
Um but I've learned a lot, right?
I've it's interesting when Iwrote the first book.
I thought, oh, if you write it,they will come.
No, they won't.
They don't know you exist,right?
So um really trying to do betterwith the marketing side.
It it's funny as anentrepreneur, you have to do so
many different things, right?
(31:59):
So if I'm speaking and I'mwriting and I'm podcasting, but
I also have to be thesalesperson, I also have to be
the marketing person, and somany different sides that I
never thought I would have todo, but um, I'm learning every
single day, and I think that'sthe most and most important
part.
Shanna Star (32:16):
So I think that's part of confidence too, is just
following through.
Like you give yourself a task,you follow through.
It's like, woohoo, I did it.
So I can keep doing it, justlike you said.
So yeah, that's wonderful.
And how can we find you, followyou, get your book soon, and and
work with you or see you speak?
SPEAKER_00 (32:32):
Yeah.
So my website is the best placeto find me, Simone Kenego.com,
which is S-I-M-O-N-E-K-N-E-G-O.
And you can find my new book atrealconfidencebook.com, which
there's a bunch of bonuses onthere if you pre-order it, and
then I'm on social media prettymuch everywhere under Simone
Canego.
I I think Facebook, I'm speakerSimone Canego, but I'm the only
(32:53):
Simone Canego in the world.
So if you've written SimoneCanego, you will find me.
I love what happens when youhave like the name Simone and
then you married someone with afunky last name Kanago.
Shanna Star (33:03):
So you know and that'll all be in the notes too,
just in case they can't quicktype that in so that everyone
can find you, follow you, andget your book so that they can
pre-order too.
That's so exciting.
Well, I appreciate you coming onthe Shine podcast today and
speaking about confidence andjust being a confident woman who
works on that daily andcontinues to do that.
So thank you so much.
I appreciate you.
(33:24):
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