February 28, 2021 • 54 mins
What is bipolar disorder, what does it mean, and who has it? Do you think someone you care about might be bipolar? In this episode, your hosts Kristy and Angie sit down to finally talk about a long-awaited topic: Angie’s bipolar disorder. Content warning: mania, depression, suicide.
Highlights:
- We take a stab at defining bipolar disorders
- How bipolar disorders are classified
- How to help yourself when diagnosed with something unfamiliar
- The stigmatization and misrepresentation of bipolar disorder
- How to call out someone who is being an asshole
Takeaways:
- Bipolar depression, like unipolar depression, is a mood disorder
- Medication is here to help, not to stigmatize
- Sleep is very f*cking important!
- A successful relationship (bipolar or not) needs communication!
- Counsellor: RMT, Psychologist: Physio, Psychiatrist: Physician
Resources:
- BP Hope - Hope and Harmony for People with Bipolar
- How Manic Depression Became Bipolar Disorder
- The History of Bipolar Disorder
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristy Yee (00:00):
Recording.
Okay.
Excellent.
I feel so drained already.
We haven't even started.
We spent literally one hour,
Angie Yu (00:09):
I know fricking technology.
One of these days, we will beable to start without any
problems.
One of these days.
Kristy Yee (00:16):
I'm going to go do like five pushups.
Okay.
(00:43):
Okay.
I'm ready
Angie Yu (00:44):
Okay.
I'm ready as well.
Kristy Yee (00:46):
Welcome back to welcome back to another episode
of, should we don't tell momtoday we have Angie joining us
today.
Angie Yu (00:53):
Today we have Angie joining us today.
Kristy Yee (00:56):
Today we are going to today.
Goddamn.
How long has it been since thelast time we recorded?
Angie Yu (01:03):
us two,
Kristy Yee (01:04):
Yeah
Angie Yu (01:04):
probably the first episode of season two.
Kristy Yee (01:07):
So
Angie Yu (01:08):
episode
Kristy Yee (01:09):
moons that feels like like two months ago.
Angie Yu (01:11):
I think it was, I think we recorded mid December
and now it's nearly mid fab.
So yeah, a couple of months.
Kristy Yee (01:18):
I've been looking forward to this episode for a
really long time, because Ihaven't asked you anything about
this because I'm saving myselffor this episode.
So I'm being really cryptic.
I'm being cryptic.
Angie and I have been keepingsomething from our poop troops
(01:38):
we've been hiding a secret andwe wanted to dedicate a specific
episode to talk about it.
So, what is it?
Angie Yu (01:45):
Uh, I guess it's an update on my mental health So it
would be like an update to likeepiso six.
I wanna say.
the update is that I have beendiagnosed with bipolar.
Kristy Yee (02:01):
I'm really excited for this episode today, because
I had been waiting months to askyou stuff about your new
diagnosis, how you're feelinglike all of this shit that comes
with it.
And I haven't, I haven't beentalking to you about any of this
because I've been waiting forthis fucking episode to come
out.
So here we go.
Now we're going to have thisconversation that should have
(02:23):
happened.
Like four months ago.
Six, Holy shit.
Six months.
What the fuck.
Angie Yu (02:32):
Six months.
Kristy Yee (02:33):
Okay.
So six months ago you werediagnosed with bipolar,
Angie Yu (02:37):
Bipolar two.
Kristy Yee (02:38):
bipolar, too.
Ah, very good, because that wasthat's exactly my first question
for you.
When I hear bipolar, I thinkBrittany Spears.
Angie Yu (02:46):
Britney Spears is bipolar.
I don't know.
I've never.
Kristy Yee (02:51):
Oh, well, let me tell you, well, okay, well, I
don't know.
Well now I don't know.
Now I'm going to have to fuckingGoogle and fact check this later
when we edit, but either way,regardless, when you say
bipolar, the first person Ithink of is Brittany
Angie Yu (03:05):
you know, what, it kind of makes sense from her
behavior that has been seen inlike paparazzi media and stuff
like that.
to someone with bipolar, I'mlike, okay.
Yeah, I can see that.
Kristy Yee (03:14):
I'm assuming there's a spectrum because everything's
on a spectrum.
I'm assuming there's many, manydifferent types of bipolar, but
I am not aware of them.
I'm sure some of our listenersare, I'm still getting used to
this,
Angie Yu (03:27):
I approve chips.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (03:29):
Our poop troopers, poop troops, our poop troops,
our poop troops may also not beas familiar.
What are the types of Okay.
So yeah.
Wow.
I have not asking questions atall.
Angie Yu (03:42):
It's a it's like, okay.
So, I mean, I've only startedreading the literature behind
bipolar, like for six months.
So I'm still not an expert on iteither.
like, it's, it's has such a longhistory.
There's many differentclassifications It's had a very
up and down history, which isfunny because it's bipolar.
Kristy Yee (04:02):
It's at a bipolar history.
Angie Yu (04:04):
so first I would say that the categorization is
difference between classicbipolar and atypical bipolar.
So classic bipolar, it's verytextbook.
it's like one person, like youhave a certain personality.
for a period of time and thenyou go back to normal for a
period of time, and then youhave like a very depressive
(04:25):
personality for like anotherperiod of time.
And that's the classic textbookone because it's very
identifiable.
And those periods of time areusually pretty long, like year
to year, even more than that,between but that's actually less
common So the classic textbookDefinition of bipolar is
actually the least common Theother type of bipolar which is
(04:46):
atypical which is what I've beendiagnosed with is actually more
common but it's often missed inpractice and often misdiagnosed
So atypical bipolar is whereyour mood swings come and go
quite frequently and frequentlywould say like you probably go
up and down Maybe like fourtimes a anywhere between that,
(05:06):
the thing is, like you said,it's a spectrum.
So everyone experiences theirbipolar swings differently.
and there's also mixed Stateswhere you can be both.
You have both States of manicand depression.
Kristy Yee (05:19):
So when you say both, like, do you mean both of
atypical and classic
Angie Yu (05:23):
both.
I'm sorry.
So bipolar, the definition ofbipolar is that you experience
mania but you also experienceddepressed.
the definition of bipolar comesfrom the fact that the, by.
Polar aspect.
The polarizing is between maniaand men melancholy, melancholy.
Yeah.
Mania and melancholy.
And those two were coined bylike ancient Greeks and ancient
(05:46):
Roman.
Like mania means elevate a moodmelancholy, low mood.
a lot of people, I think bipolaris like multiple personality
disorder, but that's acompletely different thing.
Bipolar is a mood disorder andit means that you have two very
polarizing moods that can switchback and forth at any time.
And mix dates as means that youcan experience both within a
very short amount of time, likewithin days.
(06:07):
so that's atypical, bipolar,even though it's more common,
it's called atypical, bipolar.
I think classic and atypical isjust more from the diagnostic
perspective.
then you have bipolar one andbipolar two, which is the
classification of how youexperience mania.
Actually bipolar used to becalled manic depression.
Kristy Yee (06:27):
Hmm.
I've heard of manic depression.
I didn't know that they were
Angie Yu (06:32):
Yeah.
So when I wasn't aware ofbipolar yet, I thought manic
depression just means like superdepressed.
I just thought it means likeultra depression.
Right.
But actually manic depression isliterally you are manic and then
you're depressed.
so that's no longer like a termthat's used instead it's called
bipolar.
so when you have bipolar one,you experience really elevated
(06:55):
moods where you think you'relike, I don't know, like.
You can do anything in theworld.
And it's just like, you have thesense of grandiosity.
And you can do really dangerousthings too.
and some people with when theyhave full blown mania, they
experience things likepsychosis, hearing things, et
cetera.
So that's bipolar one where yourmania reaches a pretty high
(07:16):
level and your depressionusually reaches a low that's
equivalent to people withdepression.
And bipolar too.
When you are a manic it doesn'tquite reach a full blown manic
episode.
It reaches something called thehypomanic state.
which means like under manic, Iguess you want to go into the
etymology.
but it basically means like, Youstill experience all these
(07:39):
elevated moods and elevatedenergy, there's no psychotic
episodes or anything like that.
But the scary thing is anybodywith bipolar too, if you don't
take care of yourself, it canturn into bipolar one.
So it's not like a staticdiagnosis.
Kristy Yee (07:53):
Okay.
So bipolar two sounds like amilder version of bipolar one,
whereas bipolar one it's you'relike so hot riding that high of
mania that you reach into apsychosis state
Angie Yu (08:09):
right.
Kristy Yee (08:10):
mind.
And then when you write downreally low, it's like super down
in the pits where it's.
and like hollow
Angie Yu (08:20):
think about as a roller coaster, or you just
think of it as a sky train tracksky train tracks though has up
and down So for those of you whodon't live in Vancouver sky
train is our version of Thesubway except it goes into the
sky too because it's verymountainous here So it kind of
goes up and down if you equatethe sky train track to like a
person right You've had a shittyday You're going to go down a
(08:42):
little bit You've had a reallygood day You're going to go up a
little bit You just got apromotion You're going to feel
great Right You just lost aloved one I'm going to feel like
a really shit So everyone hasthose ups and downs but people
with mood disorders have greaterchanges in mood and to the point
where like it can affect yourlife in a very traumatic if you
think about someone withbipolar, then it's kind of like
(09:03):
a rollercoaster.
Kristy Yee (09:04):
Now I have two questions.
Changing between differentStates.
Is it triggered by anything ordoes it just kind of come like,
it's just like four days later.
Okay.
Now I'm PI four days later.
Now I'm like, it's kind ofpredictable, like a period or,
or not, or is it triggered by
Angie Yu (09:25):
For me, it's both, and for most people it's both.
and the scary part is thatsometimes it can just come out
of nowhere.
but there's definitely triggersas well.
Like, so it is both, andsometimes I can kind of sense it
coming.
So like, I can feel like therollercoaster starting to go
downwards,
Kristy Yee (09:44):
the period cramps is about to start happening.
You're like, Ooh, I think I'mgoing to get it in the next few
Angie Yu (09:48):
Yeah.
So same thing, but with your,with your brain.
And, and of course, like when I,before I even research about
bipolar, I, I'm not aware ofthat stuff.
Right.
But once you become aware of it,you're like you start to notice
these.
Kristy Yee (10:00):
Have you noticed what some of your triggers might
be?
Angie Yu (10:03):
one of the things about bipolar is that you
really, really have to focus onkeeping your life well balanced.
And if I don't stick to like astable sleeping schedule, it's
really easy to trigger my mania.
Then I don't know why that is.
I don't know how the chemistryworks.
Like.
if I don't sleep the less Isleep, the more energetic I get.
Kristy Yee (10:26):
Do you think that balance comes from almost
compensating?
The fact that you Teeter backand forth as a person with
bipolar?
Like, is that fair to
Angie Yu (10:35):
so Yeah I feel that like I feel like when I'm super
stressed I get this extra burstof energy when I'm not sleeping
enough I get Even more energeticI think it could be my brain's
way of like compensating for itBut then but then I Right And
then I when I crash it it sucksSo the thing with bipolar is
(10:56):
like when you're depressedyou're the same level of
depressed as people withdepression but relatively it
feels even worse because whenyou're elevator you're higher up
So when you fall down therelative newness
Kristy Yee (11:09):
of your fall is
Angie Yu (11:10):
further.
Kristy Yee (11:11):
Wow.
That is a good point.
That's not something I thoughtof before.
So then does this mean that youhave bipolar and depression or
like just bipolar and you havedepressive States because of
bipolar?
can you have both
Angie Yu (11:28):
so like depression is part of bipolar.
Kristy Yee (11:30):
So, so then, so then can you have like, So, this is
how I'm thinking.
I don't want, I don't know whyI'm picturing Balzac's okay.
We're going to go with this.
Okay.
So you got one ball sack, andthat's like mania, right?
And then you have the other balland that's depression, right?
(11:50):
Yeah.
Correct.
Correct.
Like it holds it all together.
Okay.
So now you have that's, that'swhat it is.
The ball sack is bipolar.
Can you swing back and forthbetween the two either it's it's
triggered or not triggered orwhatever, but it's, it's going.
Okay.
Ball sack one ball sack two upand down again.
Angie Yu (12:10):
The listeners who can't see Christy is gesturing a
lot right now, and I'm tryingreally hard not to laugh
Kristy Yee (12:15):
I'm jiggling ball sacks right now.
Angie Yu (12:19):
But you can always edit out my left or so,
Kristy Yee (12:22):
No now depression is in ball number two.
Okay.
Now when you have bipolar andyou have depression, does that
mean there's a third bowl or isit just like the second ball
okay.
So when you have bipolar, it'slike you have bipolar and within
bipolar, at that encompassesthat depression.
It's not like there's anadditional depression on top of
(12:44):
the bipolar
Angie Yu (12:45):
Yeah, correct.
That's why bipolar is oftendiagnosed as depression first,
and then maybe you're diagnosedas bipolar because the
depression is so obvious.
Whereas the mania is lessobvious because one, you just
think like, that's you whenyou're happy.
before, like especially when Iwas younger and especially
before I started seeing therapy,when I had these episodes of
(13:07):
mania or hypomania, I justthought I was living life.
Like I just thought that wasregular happiness.
I didn't think that, there wasanything wrong with me or not
that there's anything wrong butI didn't know that I was in an
elevated mood and.
And that's the dangers ofbipolar is that you would only
really seek help when you'rereally depressed.
(13:29):
so that's why it's oftendiagnosed as depression.
And of course, for me, I wasdiagnosed with depression and
then I was started onantidepressants.
Right.
And then I had something calledserotonin syndrome.
So antidepressants.
so back in the day,antidepressants were pretty
dodgy.
They were very addictive, etcetera, et cetera.
Nowadays, there are a lot moresafe.
(13:50):
They're not addictive.
and what they do actually isthey do something with the
binding neural transmitter.
I don't know, I'm just likemaking shit up, but basically
all the serotonin that's likefloating in your head.
people without mood disorderscan regulate the serotonin
pretty well.
people who are your receptorsare not binding to the
(14:12):
serotonin.
So those serotonins they're inyour head floating around it
just, your is not receiving itproperly.
So antidepressants kind of makeyour brain go, okay.
Like this is serotonin bind toit.
And then you feel that serotoninhit.
So serotonin syndrome is like,Okay.
I'm all antidepressants.
And then I'm coming up therollercoaster I'm, I'm, I'm
(14:34):
soaring up, but then I also havean extra dosage of being able to
bind to the serotonin.
Now I have a lot of serotoninand I have a lot of like energy
and I have a lot of feelinggreat about myself and, and
then, and then it triggered meto go into another hypomanic
episode.
Kristy Yee (14:53):
so then the drugs kind of made her worse then.
Angie Yu (14:56):
Yeah, exactly.
So, because I, because thathappened and I was talking to my
therapist about it in hindsight,like three months after the
fact, she was kind of like,okay.
Cause I did bring it up before,like when she was just treating
my depression.
We talked about it And then shestarted giving me some
strategies and coping with thesemanic States.
And then we had a conversationand she was like, you know, I
(15:18):
don't really like labels.
I like to help people withwhatever it is that they're
experiencing.
But in the industry, of course,people like to, you know,
diagnose label to help youbetter.
So she's like, yes.
So I would like, I wouldclassify this as a type of
bipolar, but I'm not an expert.
On this I can only help you withlike, you know, CBT, which is
(15:39):
cognitive behavioral therapy,which is like, if I'm feeling
really high and I want to dosomething, then I step back and
question myself, why do I wantto do this?
this was like in September.
So she recommended me to a, apsychiatrist who specializes in
bipolar.
I wait about three months toactually get an appointment.
(15:59):
And then I had that appointment.
it was a really long appointmentand it was with two
psychiatrists.
One was doing her residency andone had been helping bipolar
patients for like 20 years.
the session went off for nearlytwo hours and I was diagnosed
with atypical, bipolar.
Kristy Yee (16:18):
When you walked out of that psychiatrist office that
day with your shiny brand newlabel, what was that like for
you?
Angie Yu (16:29):
Okay.
Well, it was over zoom, so itwas like when I click to leave
me
Kristy Yee (16:34):
Oh my gosh.
I, Oh, how did I not even thinkabout
Angie Yu (16:38):
that's so, well, one, I guess, because I was at home,
so it was less.
Like, Oh, like, I didn't feellike lost or anything like that,
but it felt different.
I think, because I'm alreadylike, well into my mental health
journey, I wasn't like, Oh myGod, what is happening?
Like, I wasn't caught off guardbecause I had already done some
research.
(16:59):
I hadn't been talking to mytherapist about it and I'm
already aware of like how todeal with mental health issues
and how to embrace mentalhealth.
So when, when I was diagnosed, Imyself had less stigma towards
mental health like differentmood disorders, right.
Because I'm more knowledgeable,I've been educated.
(17:19):
So I didn't have that samereaction when I was diagnosed
with depression.
And I think the other aspect islike the bipolar made so much
sense.
Like the depression.
Yeah.
Like I also saw the similar liketraits and whatever, but it
didn't really explain a lot ofother parts of my life.
Kristy Yee (17:39):
like, you knew that there was something more
Angie Yu (17:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I felt like there wassomething more to it.
Kristy Yee (17:44):
and then when you got diagnosed with a bipolar, it
was almost like a ha so that'swhat it, like now everything
makes
Angie Yu (17:50):
Yeah.
when my got diagnosed withdepression, it was also like,
aha, everything makes sense.
But then as time went on, it waslike, okay.
so it definitely helped me outof my depressive hole, but
there's still other things in mylife that it's not really
covering.
Kristy Yee (18:05):
what were some of
Angie Yu (18:06):
one of the symptoms Of like I guess not symptoms.
One of the side effects of beingbipolar is that you tend to, you
tend to lose a lot of people inyour life.
And it's because for people whoaren't aware of their bipolar or
for people who haven't quitegrasped how to handle their
bipolar, is that in my differentmoods.
(18:30):
I lose control of my mood.
I lose control of my temper, andsometimes this can create a lot
of conflict.
And when I'm in a hypomanicstate, I want to do all these
things and friends or family whoare like, you shouldn't do this.
Then I get angry because I'mlike, why are you stopping me
(18:51):
from being who I am?
When in reality, they're justtrying to protect me.
So I've read a lot of blogs andstuff like that.
people talking about therelationships that they've lost
because of their bipolar.
And when I was growing up I hada really, really difficult
relationship with my mom when Iwas a teenager, but I thought
that was normal.
Cause it's like every
Kristy Yee (19:13):
yeah.
angst.
Everybody hates their
Angie Yu (19:15):
Exactly.
And that's like, that'sliterally one of the things that
they talk about, about beingbipolar is that a lot of bipolar
comes around the age of puberty.
So it, because it coincides withsomething that's like really
common, it's really hard toidentify.
Right.
Like I used to get into theseshouting matches with my mom and
it's just like, well, a lot ofteenage girls go through that
(19:36):
with their mom.
Like it's it's so Carmen, Iguess the difference is that my
mom became scared of me.
Like she started walking oneggshells around me and
Kristy Yee (19:45):
can you give me an example?
Angie Yu (19:46):
I can't even, I don't even remember, like, I don't
have any examples because I'mnot aware when I'm doing those
things.
Kristy Yee (19:58):
How did you know that mom was walking on
eggshells then?
Angie Yu (20:03):
in hindsight,
Kristy Yee (20:04):
Good for her.
Angie Yu (20:05):
she told me like more recently when we started talking
more about our emotions.
Right.
But I do remember like when Ifirst started dating my ex she
was like I know Angie has thistemper.
And it's one thing to be like,Oh yeah, like, ha she has a
temper ha ha.
You know, but it's like, shealways labeled it as like this
(20:26):
temper because it only comes outsometimes.
And when it comes out, I don'teven know that it's happening.
Kristy Yee (20:36):
when you say you don't even know, is it like a,
like a blackout period you can'tcontrol it when it's happening?
So you don't realize that youare being super mean?
Angie Yu (20:51):
Yes that the ladder unless somebody points it out
Kristy Yee (20:57):
Like, Hey Andy, you're being an asshole right
Angie Yu (21:01):
and I guess like, When my mom did pointed out, I don't
know I was a teenager and I'mlike, well, you're being an
asshole to like seven.
My mom never called me atschool.
She was just like, you're beingdifficult.
I'm like, you're being difficulttoo like
Kristy Yee (21:12):
such a typical
Angie Yu (21:13):
exactly.
So that's why it was like nevera thing.
Like.
I didn't think anythingdifferent of it.
My mom didn't think anythingdifferent events.
and then as an adult, she wouldlike tell people how difficult
of a teenager I was.
I was like I didn't, I didn'tsmoke.
I didn't drink.
I didn't do drugs.
I didn't have unsafe sex.
Like I thought I was a prettygood teenage.
(21:35):
It's only in hindsight that Iwas like, okay, that kind of
makes sense.
And then with my lastrelationship there was one time
where my ex brought up.
He's like, sometimes I feel likeyou have this rage inside of you
and I'm like, huh, what are youtalking about?
I'm such a nice person.
I'm so easy going.
And I'm so chill.
(21:56):
And he's like, yeah, Yeah.
Most of like most of the time,like 99% of time, but I feel
like there's this rage inside ofyou.
And I was just like, I don'tknow what that means.
I guess, like, I don't know, I'man angry Asian girl because like
the world is unfair and stufflike that.
We didn't really talk about itin too much detail because he
didn't really have theknowledge.
Right.
And then at the end of therelationship when things were
(22:16):
not going well, we were arguinga lot.
this was like, Well, I guess wewere talking about our
relationship and he said, thiskind of stuck with me because he
said, when things are good,they're really good.
And when things are bad, they'rereally bad.
And at the time I'm just like,yeah, but that's all
relationships are relationshipshave their up and down.
(22:38):
And, and then, and then he kindof looked at me.
He was like, sometimes I thinkyou might be bipolar.
Kristy Yee (22:46):
he actually said bipolar.
Angie Yu (22:48):
and then of course in the moment I was like, I don't
know.
I just thought he was likesaying that because I thought he
was just being an asshole.
Kristy Yee (22:56):
and we weren't as educated, like you weren't as
educated on what bipolar
Angie Yu (22:59):
yeah,
Kristy Yee (22:59):
felt
Angie Yu (23:00):
it felt like an attack.
I felt like he was calling mecrazy.
After I was diagnosed by thepsychiatrist.
and then I started reading moreblogs and more things about
other people who talk about whatit's like to live with bipolar
and how that it's very oftenthat you hurt the people closest
to you.
I cried a lot about how I'vehurt my mom and I've hurt my
(23:23):
previous relationships.
I've hurt friends and I nevermean to.
But I have heard them, so itdoesn't matter what my
intentions are.
Right.
And of course I've also lostfriends because of that too.
because I would do things thatat the time, I don't think
anything of it.
but in hindsight it either hurtthem or it made them realize
(23:43):
that they didn't want to bearound someone that could hurt
them again.
Kristy Yee (23:58):
When, when you made that connection or when that
memory resurfaced, again, fromwhat your ex had said to how
soon did you make thatconnection And like what,
Angie Yu (24:13):
it was probably a couple of days because as soon
as I finished that appointmentand I was diagnosed and
prescribed.
Medication like moodstabilizers.
I was like, okay, I'm going todo more reading about this.
cause before that I was justdoing some light reading.
I'm like, okay, well, if it'ssomething I have, I should know
(24:33):
it really well.
Especially since it'shereditary, it means that it's
very likely my kids will have itespecially daughters.
So I want to make sure thatthey're properly educated as
well.
Right.
So I started reading moreThere's one website that I've
been reading a lot.
it's called BP hope, whichbipolar hope.
So it's BP hope.com.
We'll link it in the show notes.
(24:54):
there was someone who wrote ablog about how she never
realized that.
These moments that she has hurtthe people closest to her a lot.
And how bipolar is literallyknown to be like, you tend to
hurt the people closest to youIt was just that sentence.
Like you heard the peopleclosest to you that made me go,
Oh fuck.
(25:14):
And then I made that connection.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (25:17):
For our poop troops out there who are listening to,
you know, how Andrew you'redescribing ups and downs and how
it felt like such a normalthing, like the way that you
have conversations with mom andthe way that, you know,
relations ships have ups anddowns with the people that you
date for the people who arelistening, who might feel like,
(25:38):
Oh, I can identify.
What would your advice be forpeople who might think like, do
I have bipolar?
Like, is this a thing for me?
Angie Yu (25:50):
Well, I think it's okay to question.
especially if you're beingself-aware right.
So if you're questioning, Hey,are my moods affecting other
people?
Like, I think that's a positivething.
I just hope that you don't gointo this rabbit hole and start
diagnosing yourselves becausethat can be dangerous.
So one of the biggest of bipolaris that the less sleep you get,
(26:12):
the more energetic you become.
Kristy Yee (26:15):
That is not me
Angie Yu (26:16):
Yeah.
Remember, remember when I wastelling you about, I think this
was either in like episode.
Three or episodes six.
and I was saying how, like,there was this period of time
where I was like barelysleeping, but I have like, I'm
just like having the time of mylife.
Kristy Yee (26:29):
Yeah.
And you were like out drinkingand like partying and like, you
know, having sex everywhere.
Angie Yu (26:39):
Yeah.
I mean, that's not true, butyeah, like basically like
engaging in all this activitywhere it was very out of
character for
Kristy Yee (26:46):
Like you felt like you were just living life.
were just riding this high andyou're like, I'm just gonna do
me and I'm going to do all thethings that I want to do.
Angie Yu (26:56):
a very definitive What do you call that?
A definitive symptom ofhypomania.
And if I kept going, it couldhave escalated to.
A full manic episode.
especially since drugs andalcohol can really like push
people with bipolar into thosemoods.
Kristy Yee (27:15):
Like if like whole
Angie Yu (27:20):
That's right.
so that's one of the symptoms isjust like your body.
Kristy Yee (27:26):
We're not scientists.
Angie Yu (27:28):
Another telltale is if you have a family history of
mental health diagnoses or mooddisorders that's also the case.
women often are more susceptibleto bipolar, too.
I have no idea that that wasjust a study that some
scientists did back in 2003.
Kristy Yee (27:46):
I wonder, I wonder if maybe instead of women being
more susceptible, women are justdiagnosed more help and
treatment, or like willing totalk to people about shit.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, there's that
Angie Yu (28:00):
yeah, I actually can see I actually believe that so
there's, there's also thatthere's also, basically for me
when, when I'm in an elevatormood, I think I can do anything
in the world
Kristy Yee (28:16):
that sounds like, like.
Drugs to me, like when, when,the way you describe it, I'm
like, that sounds like I'm justriding on this real big.
Hi, and I am flying on a cloudof unicorns and you know what
I'm
Angie Yu (28:31):
Like actually, like, you feel like you
Kristy Yee (28:34):
feels
epi 20 - kristys raw audio (28:34):
like
Angie Yu (28:34):
spy.
Like that's how much of a grant,like the, they call it the
grandiose.
Like you have thoughts ofgrandiose city.
I don't know how to pronounce itproperly, but like, Grandiosity.
Yeah, you think you can, like, Idon't know, like do all these
different things where normallyyou would be like a gnat.
That's crazy.
You know, and, but the, thedangerous part is, is that you
(28:58):
might engage in things that arevery risky, like impulsive
spending, unprotected sex.
Risky things like abandoningyour day-to-day life to do
something that you think you cando.
so that's when you're at yourhigh and if you're a full blown,
manic episodes, then there'spsychosis episodes, which is
where you're hearing things thatare not there or seeing things
(29:19):
that are not there.
in the low, the low depression.
Point is very similar to normaldepression where you are so
melancholy that you think theworld sucks and everything sucks
and you suck.
And there's no point in livingwhich also happens at the manic
episode too, because you'relike, well, it doesn't matter if
(29:40):
I die.
That's how I felt when I was inmy elevator.
Moods doesn't matter if I diewhen I'm in my low moods, maybe
also doesn't matter if I die.
And that's where the dangercomes from because people with
bipolar, like the, the mooddisorder of being bipolar has
the highest suicide rate amongstall the mood disorders more than
depression.
(30:00):
Because again, the highs are sohigh that the depression feels
lower
Kristy Yee (30:05):
further
Angie Yu (30:06):
exactly.
Yeah.
The drop is further.
Kristy Yee (30:13):
this?
Angie Yu (30:14):
I, I told her over the phone.
Kristy Yee (30:16):
like ring, ring, yo, what's up mom.
Guess
Angie Yu (30:19):
well, I texted her because I'm like, I, I did both
like a voice.
Well, at the time, like Ialready told her about my
depression.
Right.
and I was like, Oh, by the way,like, it was like, by the way,
I'm bipolar.
at this point I think she justlike wanted me to be okay.
She just wanted make sure that Igot the help I needed So I like
(30:41):
looked up bipolar and Chinese Idon't remember.
Kristy Yee (30:47):
Google
Angie Yu (30:47):
Okay.
on.
Let me Google translate it'scalled.
It's all you Jen, whichliterally translates to manic
depression.
Yeah, I don't, I don't know howto, I don't, I don't know what
it is in Cantonese.
and I remember like telling herthat, and I guess she did some
of her own research and she wasjust like, Okay.
(31:09):
yep.
Makes sense.
Kristy Yee (31:11):
I'm thinking right now, like stereotypes and
misunderstanding, and like methinking about Brittany Spears
and, and you previouslyassociating the word crazy
right?
So, what are some of the thingsyou would say to these
stereotypes and thesemisrepresentation of what
bipolar is?
Angie Yu (31:30):
I think, I think the stereotypes and the stigma comes
from the fact that people whoaren't familiar with bipolar
don't know what to make of it.
Right.
They're like, Oh, how can you beso happy at one moment?
It's so sad.
The other moment.
epi 20 - kristys raw audio (31:44):
Mm
Angie Yu (31:44):
I was reading about the history of bipolar.
it goes back like super far,like super, super ancient.
So the ancient Greeks and theancient Romans came up with the
words, mania and melancholy.
So that that's, that has nothingto do with, with bipolar.
That's just like different sidesof the spectrum of moods.
And it was actually Aristotlewho attributed mania.
(32:08):
he thanked mania for being thesource of all these artists and
poets and writers and just likecreative people.
He said that mania is like asource of those creativity,
which is true because people intheir manic States are very
creative.
Kristy Yee (32:27):
And there's so much to express.
I'm thinking like there's somuch emotions, feelings you're
riding on this high, or you'reriding on this low that there's
like, it's gotta come out
Angie Yu (32:39):
extreme on both sides.
It's extreme happiness andextreme sadness.
And when you express them, youexpress out this type of
creativity.
And I remember experiencingthat.
I was writing a lot when I wasexperience all this, I haven't.
Written anything since going onmedication, because I don't have
(33:00):
that same kind of inspiration asI used to because I, I remember
Steve No, he was like, HeyAngie, like, what's your routine
for writing?
What's your inspiration forwriting?
And I'm like, I don't have one.
It'll just click in my head.
I'll sit down.
And two hours later I've writtensomething.
You get into this flow andpeople have talked about the
(33:21):
creative flow and that's stillnormal, but for me, it just
comes out of nowhere.
It's not like I've sat there forfour hours trying to get into
the flow.
And then the flow comes.
It just comes out of nowhere.
And then boom, I run somethingand I have no idea how to do
that again.
Kristy Yee (33:34):
Doesn't
Angie Yu (33:37):
Yes.
But flow usually comes frompractice.
Like you're already sat down,working.
work.
So you start working
Kristy Yee (33:44):
then you get
Angie Yu (33:45):
the flow Yeah.
Whereas for me the flow just
Kristy Yee (33:48):
like you're taking a shit and then boom, the flow
comes and you're get in front ofa laptop now you like wipe your
ass and you go to the laptop,
Angie Yu (33:55):
It almost feels like a little bit of a superpower.
And when I started reading moreabout bipolar I'm reading
people's blogs, there'ssomething called the manic trap
is when people chase thisfeeling and chase this ability
to be extra expressive and extra
Kristy Yee (34:10):
Um, because not only is it a high, but you're
actually, you could be moreproductive, more creative,
you're doing more things andpeople like that.
And they want
Angie Yu (34:21):
so it is kind of like a drug and people try to chase
this.
But the thing is all those timeswhen I did experience a high,
the depression that followed wasreally bad sucked Yeah.
And so there are, all these likeliterature out there that says
why you shouldn't chase itbecause it's dangerous.
(34:42):
And it is dangerous and I cantotally see during my manic
period how dangerous it was.
And if I didn't have the kind ofsupport system that I do have,
like, I don't know where I wouldbe.
Kristy Yee (34:53):
when you swing between the different States, do
you have control over, like, I'mgoing to, I decide that tomorrow
I'm gonna go into my manic
Angie Yu (35:02):
Oh, absolutely not.
for me, a trigger would be notsleeping properly.
Kristy Yee (35:09):
Hmm.
Got they'll like purposely putthemselves into a situation
where it can be triggered, butknowing that the fall is going
to be quite detrimental, butthey're willing to do it because
the highest so good.
like
Angie Yu (35:25):
yes,
Kristy Yee (35:25):
Right.
It's like, they know there's aconsequence.
I shouldn't be taking drugs, butthe highest soul God that it
doesn't matter.
Like I'm willing to do that,which, and drugs in itself, very
risky business
Angie Yu (35:38):
Yeah.
And you know, what's the funnything is that I don't really do
drugs and I've never really donedrugs.
And people would be like, Oh,like, have you ever tried this?
Or have you ever tried that?
I'm like, no, I don't think Ineed it.
That was always my response.
I'm like, I don't think I needit.
Like, I, I feel like I'm likealready tripping most of the
time where like I'm already, solike whatever, most of the time
(35:59):
I'm like, I don't think I needit.
Kristy Yee (36:01):
you think because of the mania Like why you don't
need it because you're alreadyhigh.
Angie Yu (36:08):
Yeah.
I think so I'm already high andif it just makes me even more
high than I'm just like no
Kristy Yee (36:16):
And so is there medication to help manage
bipolar
Angie Yu (36:20):
I think when I was reading about the history of it,
there's like been good times forpeople with bipolar and bad
times for people with bipolarthe bad
Kristy Yee (36:27):
depending on where the timeline in
Angie Yu (36:30):
So the bad times was obvious.
Like people thought that thesepeople with bipolar what
possessed, right.
Especially people with bipolarone, cause they're seeing things
and hearing things.
So they literally thought peoplewere possess so that they would
be, I don't know, like what isit called when they de possess
people?
okay.
And like people would just beeuthanized or like, I don't know
if we're into the river.
(36:51):
and they're, they're the goodtimes.
I think I forget, I feel likethis is also the Romans, but I
could be wrong.
They would just make thesepeople take baths because there
was something called lithiumsalt in these baths.
And even to this day, people
Kristy Yee (37:11):
element salt
Angie Yu (37:17):
Okay.
and now like to this day peoplewith classic bipolar they are
treated with lithium.
atypical bipolar, like myselfwere treated with both ends
depressants and moodstabilizers.
And I say, mood stabilizer,because that's the less
stigmatized phrase.
The actual medication isanti-psychotic, which sounds
(37:37):
scary.
And when the psychiatrist firstmentioned it, she's like, Oh,
this is a mood stabilizer.
And I was like, okay, thatsounds great.
Mood stabilizer.
That sounds great.
And then she's like, yeah, it'slike an anti-psychotic.
And I was like, Oh, and in thatmoment I did find myself like
being really terse.
Kristy Yee (37:53):
okay.
It's it's amazing how.
Our choice of words has effecton how we think about Because
when you say mood stabilizer,you're like, great.
Hook me up.
And then when you sayanti-psychotic, you're like,
Whoa, I'm not psychotic.
I'm not crazy.
Like, are you going to give medrugs?
Because you think I'm crazy.
And then why am I not going tobe who I am?
(38:14):
I'm just going to be a shellversion of myself because I'm
being all drugged up by yourThat was my stereotype.
I just literally verbalized allmy stereotypes.
I word vomited it.
Angie Yu (38:26):
verbalize the first thoughts that went through my
head.
Those were my thoughts.
Exactly.
Those thoughts, because it wasall stigma, stigma, stigma,
stigma.
of course I was just like, Ididn't say anything.
Right.
I was just like, okay, wellobviously I'm going to sit on it
and think about it.
but she the psychiatrist, shewas like, so positive.
She's like, yeah, we'll get yousome anti-psychotic to, you
know, basically theantidepressant is to raise the
(38:49):
floor of my mood.
And the anti-psychotic is topush down the ceiling of my
mood.
So it keeps me at a good medium.
So I'm still like the sameperson.
Like you can see my, mypersonality.
I'm still very like raw andstuff like that.
I don't think it's taken awayany of my personality, are
definitely more medium.
Kristy Yee (39:12):
in a place where you're not putting yourself or
people around you in danger, ina place where you're not, you
know, going days with just likethree hours of sleep and still
riding that high, like.
I can't be healthy for
Angie Yu (39:29):
thing is like, during that period of time, even though
I was only getting a few hoursof sleep a night and I still had
all this energy.
But I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't focus at work becausewhen you don't sleep, still
can't do those things.
I had energy, but I didn't havefocus.
I had, I had like bigger, but Ididn't have a memory.
Like short-term memory wasreally bad and like all those
(39:50):
things because that's affectedby sleep.
fucking important guys.
Kristy Yee (39:59):
I'm going to go back a little bit.
We talked about how your ex wasone of the first few people who
had mentioned even the wordbipolar.
that relationship didn't gowell.
How did you first tell yourcurrent boyfriend about your
diagnosis and what are somestrategies for the, both of you
Angie Yu (40:18):
Yeah, actually, that's a great question.
the short answer iscommunication.
The long answer is well on oursecond date We were sitting on
my couch and we were justtalking and I was like, I'm
going to be completely liketransparent with you.
I might be bipolar.
It's something that I've onlylearned about myself recently,
(40:40):
but I can see it being probablyvery true.
and I told him that straight upand he was like, I really
appreciate you telling me that.
And I was like, okay.
And I thought he was just beingpolite.
Right.
And I think after a few moredates and also because this was
COVID dating, it was like, webecame exclusive very fast.
Cause I'm like
Kristy Yee (40:57):
one by mom by Christie.
That's actually what happened
Angie Yu (41:06):
I was like, I was like I don't know how you feel about
this whole thing, but I'm
Kristy Yee (41:10):
like I
Angie Yu (41:11):
like we should only be seeing one person at a time.
He's like, yeah.
Yeah.
so, and then I was asking him, Iwas like, Oh, like at what
moment did you think?
Like, Hey, I, I would want to bein a relationship with this
person.
So we exchanged our examples andhis.
First example was the fact thatI told him about my bipolar on
our second date.
And I was like, really?
(41:31):
He's like, yeah, he said hereally appreciated that.
And I was like, okay.
And then ever since then, it'sjust all about communication.
Like I remember actually it wasmore recent, like obviously at
first when everything's like,feel so great.
I literally like, felt like Iwas higher.
Right.
And I told him that and I waslike, yeah, like I just feel
everything more intensely, likegood things.
(41:52):
I feel like it's fantastic.
Bad things.
Even if it's really minor, Ifeel like it's the end of the
world.
And I don't know, he's just beenso good at listening when it
happens, because I'm more awareof it now, I just ramble about
it and he listens and heunderstands.
And the other week I snapped athim, it was that bipolar
irritability that came in and Ijust snapped at him.
(42:14):
And the first thing he said was,why are you yelling at me?
And I was like, I'm yelling atyou.
I'm not yelling.
He's like, yes, you are yelling.
I'm like, Oh my God, I'm sosorry.
The guy didn't even realize Iwas yelling at him.
called me out and I felt shittyabout the next day I woke up.
I'm like staring at him, waitingfor him to wake up.
wakes
Kristy Yee (42:33):
creepy.
Angie Yu (42:38):
I was like on my phone reading about.
Like bipolar anger again.
And as soon as he wakes up, I'msure he was like, that was not
the first thing he wanted to dowhen he woke up.
But I'm like, okay.
So about yesterday when Isnapped at you, he's like what I
saw right away.
I explained to him whathappened.
And I'm like, even though, like,there was a reason behind it,
(42:58):
it's not an excuse.
So I appreciate you calling meon it.
Please.
Don't stop calling me out on it.
Kristy Yee (43:04):
In fact, I think just from our whole conversation
today, you need someone to callout when you're being an asshole
when you're being mean.
And when you're in that state,because you don't know when
you're in that state.
And I think.
In the past, before we were ableto better understand what was
going on, the people that youloved and the people around you,
(43:25):
they were tiptoeing because theyknew that there was this rage,
as you know, your ex had put it,or this temper that your mom had
put it, you know, there'ssomething that was in you.
And everybody felt like it'ssome bomb that could go off any
minute.
So people were really tiptoeingaround that, thinking that that
was.
What was best for you and bestfor everybody in the
relationship, but really what itactually did was hold a lot of
(43:48):
tension in that relationship.
And over time, that tensionruins that beautiful
relationship that you had in thefirst place, because it made
everybody uncomfortable.
And you don't know when you'redoing something that is assholey
right.
So your current boyfriend now,he's just like edgy, you're
being, you're being an asshole.
(44:11):
need that.
Angie Yu (44:12):
And I've lost friends like that too Like when I know
what I'm being, and the thing islike, it turns into resentment,
especially like things that youdon't communicate and the person
keeps doing it.
But they don't know that it'supsetting you.
That just turns into resentment,
Kristy Yee (44:26):
Especially because like, they love you.
And so they put up with it, feellike that's what's in so many
roles whether this is a datingrelationship like a romantic
relationship or a familiarrelationship or a platonic
relationship it doesn't matterbecause when you care about
another human being you wantwhat's best for them But you
also know that in anyrelationship there's ups and
downs.
(44:46):
So people just put up withanother person's bullshit.
When in reality, yes, there areups and downs, but that's why
you got to call each other outand talk to each other about it
and be like, you're being anasshole, you know?
And I think also on the otherhand, like as someone who has
bipolar, I think it's importantto communicate that as well.
Not only because it makes youmore of an attractive girlfriend
(45:09):
potential, but it's also, it'salso like, Hey, I need this.
Like, I.
When I am being an asshole, Idon't know I'm being an asshole
and I need someone to call meout on it.
And so when you don't realizethat yourself, you don't know
that you need to ask that fromother people
Angie Yu (45:26):
that's really well put.
And that's why I like touttherapy.
That's why I'm such an advocatorfor therapy, because it can
honestly improve yourrelationships, not only with
other people, but also withyourself.
Kristy Yee (45:46):
Also point out that those relationships that you had
lost.
Sure.
Some of it might be because.
Of the bipolar because of howyou behave and how you had acted
because you were being anasshole.
But I also think that part of itis from the other side as well,
like, because they weretiptoeing because they were
putting up with your shit.
Right, right.
And they weren't communicatingon their end about it.
They were walking on eggshells.
(46:07):
Like they, they didn't know whatto do and that's perfectly fine.
dunno, ask or be open about openabout it and say like, yo,
you're being really unreasonableright now.
Like what's going on?
help?
Angie Yu (46:19):
Which is why communication is so important
because if the other person'sbeing an asshole, you gotta tell
them.
then to them, they probablydon't think they're being an
asshole.
And this is not just for peoplewith bipolar.
This is for everybody.
Right?
Kristy Yee (46:32):
Yo, I did not realize that the takeaway
episode I'm today, we're goingto talk about bipolar disorder
and it turns out to be like calleach other out
Angie Yu (46:40):
Yeah Yeah.
You can not resent someone forsomething you've never
communicated I don't know,because in Chinese culture,
we're just, everything's justrise on expectations.
And there's so littlecommunication and communication,
but massive amounts ofexpectations.
So it can create a lot ofproblems.
(47:01):
So again, therapy, therapy,therapy, therapy.
Kristy Yee (47:15):
Before we wrap up.
I want to ask you a question,cause I know your mom was super
woke, so I'm not surprised thatshe took it really well.
When you told her what
Angie Yu (47:26):
I don't know because my mom told him and he hasn't
like brought it up ever.
typical.
Yeah.
I don't think he understands, sohe just goes, okay, and also my
dad does still quite doesn'tunderstand what therapy is.
So how I tried to explain it tohim, I'm like, okay, compare
(47:46):
mental health to physicalhealth.
Right.
So a counselor would be like anRMT, right?
Let's say you pulled your backdoing some exercises.
So now there's trauma on yourback.
So you're like, you don't knowwhat, like it's sore.
I'm going to go to the arm totry to get that knot out.
Right.
So I feel like if somethingtraumatic happens, like you lose
a loved one or a relationshipends badly or something like
(48:09):
that, and you need that extraemotional massaging.
Then you can go to a counselor.
It's the same thing.
Like they're trying to get thatknocked out.
But if you have something that'svery, long-term like an old
injury, that's still botheringyou.
That's very psychological, youknow, it's recommended you go
see a therapist for that.
Something that's has longlasting effects.
Just like, I don't know if youinjured your knee when you were
(48:31):
like, I don't know.
And it was a bad injury.
You still got to go to.
Go seek help for it.
The professional help you withseek would be a physio and I
would equate a physio to it.
Therapist, because they'retrying help you manage it on a
day-to-day basis.
a physio will teach youstretches and exercises that can
alleviate this pain, right?
Because that pain is not goinganywhere.
You're stuck with that pain.
(48:52):
Now, same thing with theemotional pain, your
psychologist, is going to try tohelp you alleviate that pain on
a day-to-day basis.
And then let's say you break abone or something.
They need you to go to thedoctor cause you're going to
need drugs for that
Kristy Yee (49:05):
and sometimes you need all three of those folks on
your team at once.
And sometimes you just want oneof them.
Nice.
Nicely put.
That is a good way to wrap upfor today's episode.
But before we do that, we'realso going to read out another
one of our feel good comments.
I think that's what we're goingto call it.
(49:25):
Feel good I like that feel goodcomments.
Angie Yu (51:00):
Wow.
thank you, to this member of ourpoop troop.
I'm also Newfoundland ruralNewfoundland.
That's amazing.
I kind of I want to hear thatstory That's w so I want to know
where a Newfoundland because 700people Wow That's just so so so
different I bet theirperspective on life is is just
(51:22):
so different provide more valueto our perspective.
Kristy Yee (51:25):
And honestly like, yeah, Angie and I were Chinese
Canadians.
We market this podcast as forpeople who are a part of the
Asian diaspora, but really thiscomment.
It makes me feel like, like, ofcourse we welcome anybody to
listen to our podcasts.
and it's amazing to hear that,not only are we shedding light
(51:46):
on being uncomfortable and beingvulnerable and saying that
that's okay to do on the fuckinginternet, but we're also
teaching other people about ourown cultures as well.
And, I think that's super, supercool.
Angie Yu (51:58):
I think so, too.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (51:59):
not like We're like, let's start a podcast so that
white people And I
Angie Yu (52:05):
and I think that's the, beauty of us being humans
that we embrace each other ashumans.
And the thing is like, Mycoworkers, listen to our podcast
every week and there'll be like,Oh yeah, like I totally get
this.
I totally relate to this.
And neither of them are Asian.
And it just seeing that like,Hey yeah, like we have an Asian
podcast because whatever we talkabout, there's an Asian spin to
(52:28):
it because we're Asian.
But at the end of the day, likea lot of things we talk about is
just the human condition and weall relate to it.
And.
Talking about this stuff wouldjust make us a better human.
Kristy Yee (52:40):
so thank you so much, Jay.
For sending this in
Angie Yu (52:43):
glad that we can like retain people's focus and
attention.
That's like
Kristy Yee (52:47):
because we ramble.
Angie Yu (52:49):
Like that's, that's so like heartwarming to know that
we're like doing an okay job.
And just like FYI, like we doput a lot of my friend to cut
the stuff that we think ismumble, jumble.
Kristy Yee (53:03):
most of the time, our episodes are somewhere
between 45 to like an hour 15.
And we would probably talk forover two hours.
Angie Yu (53:12):
yeah.
That episode where it was anhour and 15 and we cut it down
from like 200 hours.
Kristy Yee (53:18):
All right.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday.
Angie Yu (53:20):
Thank you, everyone for listening to my story.
Kristy Yee (53:24):
if you guys have any questions or you want to talk
more about Andrew's experienceas a recent day, no seed
diagnoser more about this shit,Drop us an email at shit.
We don't tell mom@gmail.com andfollow us on Instagram at shit.
We don't tell mom.
Okay.
Bye.
Recording.
Okay.
Excellent.
I feel so drained already.
We haven't even started.
We spent literally one hour,
Angie Yu (00:09):
I know fricking technology.
One of these days, we will beable to start without any
problems.
One of these days.
Kristy Yee (00:16):
I'm going to go do like five pushups.
Okay.
(00:43):
Okay.
I'm ready
Angie Yu (00:44):
Okay.
I'm ready as well.
Kristy Yee (00:46):
Welcome back to welcome back to another episode
of, should we don't tell momtoday we have Angie joining us
today.
Angie Yu (00:53):
Today we have Angie joining us today.
Kristy Yee (00:56):
Today we are going to today.
Goddamn.
How long has it been since thelast time we recorded?
Angie Yu (01:03):
us two,
Kristy Yee (01:04):
Yeah
Angie Yu (01:04):
probably the first episode of season two.
Kristy Yee (01:07):
So
Angie Yu (01:08):
episode
Kristy Yee (01:09):
moons that feels like like two months ago.
Angie Yu (01:11):
I think it was, I think we recorded mid December
and now it's nearly mid fab.
So yeah, a couple of months.
Kristy Yee (01:18):
I've been looking forward to this episode for a
really long time, because Ihaven't asked you anything about
this because I'm saving myselffor this episode.
So I'm being really cryptic.
I'm being cryptic.
Angie and I have been keepingsomething from our poop troops
(01:38):
we've been hiding a secret andwe wanted to dedicate a specific
episode to talk about it.
So, what is it?
Angie Yu (01:45):
Uh, I guess it's an update on my mental health So it
would be like an update to likeepiso six.
I wanna say.
the update is that I have beendiagnosed with bipolar.
Kristy Yee (02:01):
I'm really excited for this episode today, because
I had been waiting months to askyou stuff about your new
diagnosis, how you're feelinglike all of this shit that comes
with it.
And I haven't, I haven't beentalking to you about any of this
because I've been waiting forthis fucking episode to come
out.
So here we go.
Now we're going to have thisconversation that should have
(02:23):
happened.
Like four months ago.
Six, Holy shit.
Six months.
What the fuck.
Angie Yu (02:32):
Six months.
Kristy Yee (02:33):
Okay.
So six months ago you werediagnosed with bipolar,
Angie Yu (02:37):
Bipolar two.
Kristy Yee (02:38):
bipolar, too.
Ah, very good, because that wasthat's exactly my first question
for you.
When I hear bipolar, I thinkBrittany Spears.
Angie Yu (02:46):
Britney Spears is bipolar.
I don't know.
I've never.
Kristy Yee (02:51):
Oh, well, let me tell you, well, okay, well, I
don't know.
Well now I don't know.
Now I'm going to have to fuckingGoogle and fact check this later
when we edit, but either way,regardless, when you say
bipolar, the first person Ithink of is Brittany
Angie Yu (03:05):
you know, what, it kind of makes sense from her
behavior that has been seen inlike paparazzi media and stuff
like that.
to someone with bipolar, I'mlike, okay.
Yeah, I can see that.
Kristy Yee (03:14):
I'm assuming there's a spectrum because everything's
on a spectrum.
I'm assuming there's many, manydifferent types of bipolar, but
I am not aware of them.
I'm sure some of our listenersare, I'm still getting used to
this,
Angie Yu (03:27):
I approve chips.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (03:29):
Our poop troopers, poop troops, our poop troops,
our poop troops may also not beas familiar.
What are the types of Okay.
So yeah.
Wow.
I have not asking questions atall.
Angie Yu (03:42):
It's a it's like, okay.
So, I mean, I've only startedreading the literature behind
bipolar, like for six months.
So I'm still not an expert on iteither.
like, it's, it's has such a longhistory.
There's many differentclassifications It's had a very
up and down history, which isfunny because it's bipolar.
Kristy Yee (04:02):
It's at a bipolar history.
Angie Yu (04:04):
so first I would say that the categorization is
difference between classicbipolar and atypical bipolar.
So classic bipolar, it's verytextbook.
it's like one person, like youhave a certain personality.
for a period of time and thenyou go back to normal for a
period of time, and then youhave like a very depressive
(04:25):
personality for like anotherperiod of time.
And that's the classic textbookone because it's very
identifiable.
And those periods of time areusually pretty long, like year
to year, even more than that,between but that's actually less
common So the classic textbookDefinition of bipolar is
actually the least common Theother type of bipolar which is
(04:46):
atypical which is what I've beendiagnosed with is actually more
common but it's often missed inpractice and often misdiagnosed
So atypical bipolar is whereyour mood swings come and go
quite frequently and frequentlywould say like you probably go
up and down Maybe like fourtimes a anywhere between that,
(05:06):
the thing is, like you said,it's a spectrum.
So everyone experiences theirbipolar swings differently.
and there's also mixed Stateswhere you can be both.
You have both States of manicand depression.
Kristy Yee (05:19):
So when you say both, like, do you mean both of
atypical and classic
Angie Yu (05:23):
both.
I'm sorry.
So bipolar, the definition ofbipolar is that you experience
mania but you also experienceddepressed.
the definition of bipolar comesfrom the fact that the, by.
Polar aspect.
The polarizing is between maniaand men melancholy, melancholy.
Yeah.
Mania and melancholy.
And those two were coined bylike ancient Greeks and ancient
(05:46):
Roman.
Like mania means elevate a moodmelancholy, low mood.
a lot of people, I think bipolaris like multiple personality
disorder, but that's acompletely different thing.
Bipolar is a mood disorder andit means that you have two very
polarizing moods that can switchback and forth at any time.
And mix dates as means that youcan experience both within a
very short amount of time, likewithin days.
(06:07):
so that's atypical, bipolar,even though it's more common,
it's called atypical, bipolar.
I think classic and atypical isjust more from the diagnostic
perspective.
then you have bipolar one andbipolar two, which is the
classification of how youexperience mania.
Actually bipolar used to becalled manic depression.
Kristy Yee (06:27):
Hmm.
I've heard of manic depression.
I didn't know that they were
Angie Yu (06:32):
Yeah.
So when I wasn't aware ofbipolar yet, I thought manic
depression just means like superdepressed.
I just thought it means likeultra depression.
Right.
But actually manic depression isliterally you are manic and then
you're depressed.
so that's no longer like a termthat's used instead it's called
bipolar.
so when you have bipolar one,you experience really elevated
(06:55):
moods where you think you'relike, I don't know, like.
You can do anything in theworld.
And it's just like, you have thesense of grandiosity.
And you can do really dangerousthings too.
and some people with when theyhave full blown mania, they
experience things likepsychosis, hearing things, et
cetera.
So that's bipolar one where yourmania reaches a pretty high
(07:16):
level and your depressionusually reaches a low that's
equivalent to people withdepression.
And bipolar too.
When you are a manic it doesn'tquite reach a full blown manic
episode.
It reaches something called thehypomanic state.
which means like under manic, Iguess you want to go into the
etymology.
but it basically means like, Youstill experience all these
(07:39):
elevated moods and elevatedenergy, there's no psychotic
episodes or anything like that.
But the scary thing is anybodywith bipolar too, if you don't
take care of yourself, it canturn into bipolar one.
So it's not like a staticdiagnosis.
Kristy Yee (07:53):
Okay.
So bipolar two sounds like amilder version of bipolar one,
whereas bipolar one it's you'relike so hot riding that high of
mania that you reach into apsychosis state
Angie Yu (08:09):
right.
Kristy Yee (08:10):
mind.
And then when you write downreally low, it's like super down
in the pits where it's.
and like hollow
Angie Yu (08:20):
think about as a roller coaster, or you just
think of it as a sky train tracksky train tracks though has up
and down So for those of you whodon't live in Vancouver sky
train is our version of Thesubway except it goes into the
sky too because it's verymountainous here So it kind of
goes up and down if you equatethe sky train track to like a
person right You've had a shittyday You're going to go down a
(08:42):
little bit You've had a reallygood day You're going to go up a
little bit You just got apromotion You're going to feel
great Right You just lost aloved one I'm going to feel like
a really shit So everyone hasthose ups and downs but people
with mood disorders have greaterchanges in mood and to the point
where like it can affect yourlife in a very traumatic if you
think about someone withbipolar, then it's kind of like
(09:03):
a rollercoaster.
Kristy Yee (09:04):
Now I have two questions.
Changing between differentStates.
Is it triggered by anything ordoes it just kind of come like,
it's just like four days later.
Okay.
Now I'm PI four days later.
Now I'm like, it's kind ofpredictable, like a period or,
or not, or is it triggered by
Angie Yu (09:25):
For me, it's both, and for most people it's both.
and the scary part is thatsometimes it can just come out
of nowhere.
but there's definitely triggersas well.
Like, so it is both, andsometimes I can kind of sense it
coming.
So like, I can feel like therollercoaster starting to go
downwards,
Kristy Yee (09:44):
the period cramps is about to start happening.
You're like, Ooh, I think I'mgoing to get it in the next few
Angie Yu (09:48):
Yeah.
So same thing, but with your,with your brain.
And, and of course, like when I,before I even research about
bipolar, I, I'm not aware ofthat stuff.
Right.
But once you become aware of it,you're like you start to notice
these.
Kristy Yee (10:00):
Have you noticed what some of your triggers might
be?
Angie Yu (10:03):
one of the things about bipolar is that you
really, really have to focus onkeeping your life well balanced.
And if I don't stick to like astable sleeping schedule, it's
really easy to trigger my mania.
Then I don't know why that is.
I don't know how the chemistryworks.
Like.
if I don't sleep the less Isleep, the more energetic I get.
Kristy Yee (10:26):
Do you think that balance comes from almost
compensating?
The fact that you Teeter backand forth as a person with
bipolar?
Like, is that fair to
Angie Yu (10:35):
so Yeah I feel that like I feel like when I'm super
stressed I get this extra burstof energy when I'm not sleeping
enough I get Even more energeticI think it could be my brain's
way of like compensating for itBut then but then I Right And
then I when I crash it it sucksSo the thing with bipolar is
(10:56):
like when you're depressedyou're the same level of
depressed as people withdepression but relatively it
feels even worse because whenyou're elevator you're higher up
So when you fall down therelative newness
Kristy Yee (11:09):
of your fall is
Angie Yu (11:10):
further.
Kristy Yee (11:11):
Wow.
That is a good point.
That's not something I thoughtof before.
So then does this mean that youhave bipolar and depression or
like just bipolar and you havedepressive States because of
bipolar?
can you have both
Angie Yu (11:28):
so like depression is part of bipolar.
Kristy Yee (11:30):
So, so then, so then can you have like, So, this is
how I'm thinking.
I don't want, I don't know whyI'm picturing Balzac's okay.
We're going to go with this.
Okay.
So you got one ball sack, andthat's like mania, right?
And then you have the other balland that's depression, right?
(11:50):
Yeah.
Correct.
Correct.
Like it holds it all together.
Okay.
So now you have that's, that'swhat it is.
The ball sack is bipolar.
Can you swing back and forthbetween the two either it's it's
triggered or not triggered orwhatever, but it's, it's going.
Okay.
Ball sack one ball sack two upand down again.
Angie Yu (12:10):
The listeners who can't see Christy is gesturing a
lot right now, and I'm tryingreally hard not to laugh
Kristy Yee (12:15):
I'm jiggling ball sacks right now.
Angie Yu (12:19):
But you can always edit out my left or so,
Kristy Yee (12:22):
No now depression is in ball number two.
Okay.
Now when you have bipolar andyou have depression, does that
mean there's a third bowl or isit just like the second ball
okay.
So when you have bipolar, it'slike you have bipolar and within
bipolar, at that encompassesthat depression.
It's not like there's anadditional depression on top of
(12:44):
the bipolar
Angie Yu (12:45):
Yeah, correct.
That's why bipolar is oftendiagnosed as depression first,
and then maybe you're diagnosedas bipolar because the
depression is so obvious.
Whereas the mania is lessobvious because one, you just
think like, that's you whenyou're happy.
before, like especially when Iwas younger and especially
before I started seeing therapy,when I had these episodes of
(13:07):
mania or hypomania, I justthought I was living life.
Like I just thought that wasregular happiness.
I didn't think that, there wasanything wrong with me or not
that there's anything wrong butI didn't know that I was in an
elevated mood and.
And that's the dangers ofbipolar is that you would only
really seek help when you'rereally depressed.
(13:29):
so that's why it's oftendiagnosed as depression.
And of course, for me, I wasdiagnosed with depression and
then I was started onantidepressants.
Right.
And then I had something calledserotonin syndrome.
So antidepressants.
so back in the day,antidepressants were pretty
dodgy.
They were very addictive, etcetera, et cetera.
Nowadays, there are a lot moresafe.
(13:50):
They're not addictive.
and what they do actually isthey do something with the
binding neural transmitter.
I don't know, I'm just likemaking shit up, but basically
all the serotonin that's likefloating in your head.
people without mood disorderscan regulate the serotonin
pretty well.
people who are your receptorsare not binding to the
(14:12):
serotonin.
So those serotonins they're inyour head floating around it
just, your is not receiving itproperly.
So antidepressants kind of makeyour brain go, okay.
Like this is serotonin bind toit.
And then you feel that serotoninhit.
So serotonin syndrome is like,Okay.
I'm all antidepressants.
And then I'm coming up therollercoaster I'm, I'm, I'm
(14:34):
soaring up, but then I also havean extra dosage of being able to
bind to the serotonin.
Now I have a lot of serotoninand I have a lot of like energy
and I have a lot of feelinggreat about myself and, and
then, and then it triggered meto go into another hypomanic
episode.
Kristy Yee (14:53):
so then the drugs kind of made her worse then.
Angie Yu (14:56):
Yeah, exactly.
So, because I, because thathappened and I was talking to my
therapist about it in hindsight,like three months after the
fact, she was kind of like,okay.
Cause I did bring it up before,like when she was just treating
my depression.
We talked about it And then shestarted giving me some
strategies and coping with thesemanic States.
And then we had a conversationand she was like, you know, I
(15:18):
don't really like labels.
I like to help people withwhatever it is that they're
experiencing.
But in the industry, of course,people like to, you know,
diagnose label to help youbetter.
So she's like, yes.
So I would like, I wouldclassify this as a type of
bipolar, but I'm not an expert.
On this I can only help you withlike, you know, CBT, which is
(15:39):
cognitive behavioral therapy,which is like, if I'm feeling
really high and I want to dosomething, then I step back and
question myself, why do I wantto do this?
this was like in September.
So she recommended me to a, apsychiatrist who specializes in
bipolar.
I wait about three months toactually get an appointment.
(15:59):
And then I had that appointment.
it was a really long appointmentand it was with two
psychiatrists.
One was doing her residency andone had been helping bipolar
patients for like 20 years.
the session went off for nearlytwo hours and I was diagnosed
with atypical, bipolar.
Kristy Yee (16:18):
When you walked out of that psychiatrist office that
day with your shiny brand newlabel, what was that like for
you?
Angie Yu (16:29):
Okay.
Well, it was over zoom, so itwas like when I click to leave
me
Kristy Yee (16:34):
Oh my gosh.
I, Oh, how did I not even thinkabout
Angie Yu (16:38):
that's so, well, one, I guess, because I was at home,
so it was less.
Like, Oh, like, I didn't feellike lost or anything like that,
but it felt different.
I think, because I'm alreadylike, well into my mental health
journey, I wasn't like, Oh myGod, what is happening?
Like, I wasn't caught off guardbecause I had already done some
research.
(16:59):
I hadn't been talking to mytherapist about it and I'm
already aware of like how todeal with mental health issues
and how to embrace mentalhealth.
So when, when I was diagnosed, Imyself had less stigma towards
mental health like differentmood disorders, right.
Because I'm more knowledgeable,I've been educated.
(17:19):
So I didn't have that samereaction when I was diagnosed
with depression.
And I think the other aspect islike the bipolar made so much
sense.
Like the depression.
Yeah.
Like I also saw the similar liketraits and whatever, but it
didn't really explain a lot ofother parts of my life.
Kristy Yee (17:39):
like, you knew that there was something more
Angie Yu (17:41):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I felt like there wassomething more to it.
Kristy Yee (17:44):
and then when you got diagnosed with a bipolar, it
was almost like a ha so that'swhat it, like now everything
makes
Angie Yu (17:50):
Yeah.
when my got diagnosed withdepression, it was also like,
aha, everything makes sense.
But then as time went on, it waslike, okay.
so it definitely helped me outof my depressive hole, but
there's still other things in mylife that it's not really
covering.
Kristy Yee (18:05):
what were some of
Angie Yu (18:06):
one of the symptoms Of like I guess not symptoms.
One of the side effects of beingbipolar is that you tend to, you
tend to lose a lot of people inyour life.
And it's because for people whoaren't aware of their bipolar or
for people who haven't quitegrasped how to handle their
bipolar, is that in my differentmoods.
(18:30):
I lose control of my mood.
I lose control of my temper, andsometimes this can create a lot
of conflict.
And when I'm in a hypomanicstate, I want to do all these
things and friends or family whoare like, you shouldn't do this.
Then I get angry because I'mlike, why are you stopping me
(18:51):
from being who I am?
When in reality, they're justtrying to protect me.
So I've read a lot of blogs andstuff like that.
people talking about therelationships that they've lost
because of their bipolar.
And when I was growing up I hada really, really difficult
relationship with my mom when Iwas a teenager, but I thought
that was normal.
Cause it's like every
Kristy Yee (19:13):
yeah.
angst.
Everybody hates their
Angie Yu (19:15):
Exactly.
And that's like, that'sliterally one of the things that
they talk about, about beingbipolar is that a lot of bipolar
comes around the age of puberty.
So it, because it coincides withsomething that's like really
common, it's really hard toidentify.
Right.
Like I used to get into theseshouting matches with my mom and
it's just like, well, a lot ofteenage girls go through that
(19:36):
with their mom.
Like it's it's so Carmen, Iguess the difference is that my
mom became scared of me.
Like she started walking oneggshells around me and
Kristy Yee (19:45):
can you give me an example?
Angie Yu (19:46):
I can't even, I don't even remember, like, I don't
have any examples because I'mnot aware when I'm doing those
things.
Kristy Yee (19:58):
How did you know that mom was walking on
eggshells then?
Angie Yu (20:03):
in hindsight,
Kristy Yee (20:04):
Good for her.
Angie Yu (20:05):
she told me like more recently when we started talking
more about our emotions.
Right.
But I do remember like when Ifirst started dating my ex she
was like I know Angie has thistemper.
And it's one thing to be like,Oh yeah, like, ha she has a
temper ha ha.
You know, but it's like, shealways labeled it as like this
(20:26):
temper because it only comes outsometimes.
And when it comes out, I don'teven know that it's happening.
Kristy Yee (20:36):
when you say you don't even know, is it like a,
like a blackout period you can'tcontrol it when it's happening?
So you don't realize that youare being super mean?
Angie Yu (20:51):
Yes that the ladder unless somebody points it out
Kristy Yee (20:57):
Like, Hey Andy, you're being an asshole right
Angie Yu (21:01):
and I guess like, When my mom did pointed out, I don't
know I was a teenager and I'mlike, well, you're being an
asshole to like seven.
My mom never called me atschool.
She was just like, you're beingdifficult.
I'm like, you're being difficulttoo like
Kristy Yee (21:12):
such a typical
Angie Yu (21:13):
exactly.
So that's why it was like nevera thing.
Like.
I didn't think anythingdifferent of it.
My mom didn't think anythingdifferent events.
and then as an adult, she wouldlike tell people how difficult
of a teenager I was.
I was like I didn't, I didn'tsmoke.
I didn't drink.
I didn't do drugs.
I didn't have unsafe sex.
Like I thought I was a prettygood teenage.
(21:35):
It's only in hindsight that Iwas like, okay, that kind of
makes sense.
And then with my lastrelationship there was one time
where my ex brought up.
He's like, sometimes I feel likeyou have this rage inside of you
and I'm like, huh, what are youtalking about?
I'm such a nice person.
I'm so easy going.
And I'm so chill.
(21:56):
And he's like, yeah, Yeah.
Most of like most of the time,like 99% of time, but I feel
like there's this rage inside ofyou.
And I was just like, I don'tknow what that means.
I guess, like, I don't know, I'man angry Asian girl because like
the world is unfair and stufflike that.
We didn't really talk about itin too much detail because he
didn't really have theknowledge.
Right.
And then at the end of therelationship when things were
(22:16):
not going well, we were arguinga lot.
this was like, Well, I guess wewere talking about our
relationship and he said, thiskind of stuck with me because he
said, when things are good,they're really good.
And when things are bad, they'rereally bad.
And at the time I'm just like,yeah, but that's all
relationships are relationshipshave their up and down.
(22:38):
And, and then, and then he kindof looked at me.
He was like, sometimes I thinkyou might be bipolar.
Kristy Yee (22:46):
he actually said bipolar.
Angie Yu (22:48):
and then of course in the moment I was like, I don't
know.
I just thought he was likesaying that because I thought he
was just being an asshole.
Kristy Yee (22:56):
and we weren't as educated, like you weren't as
educated on what bipolar
Angie Yu (22:59):
yeah,
Kristy Yee (22:59):
felt
Angie Yu (23:00):
it felt like an attack.
I felt like he was calling mecrazy.
After I was diagnosed by thepsychiatrist.
and then I started reading moreblogs and more things about
other people who talk about whatit's like to live with bipolar
and how that it's very oftenthat you hurt the people closest
to you.
I cried a lot about how I'vehurt my mom and I've hurt my
(23:23):
previous relationships.
I've hurt friends and I nevermean to.
But I have heard them, so itdoesn't matter what my
intentions are.
Right.
And of course I've also lostfriends because of that too.
because I would do things thatat the time, I don't think
anything of it.
but in hindsight it either hurtthem or it made them realize
(23:43):
that they didn't want to bearound someone that could hurt
them again.
Kristy Yee (23:58):
When, when you made that connection or when that
memory resurfaced, again, fromwhat your ex had said to how
soon did you make thatconnection And like what,
Angie Yu (24:13):
it was probably a couple of days because as soon
as I finished that appointmentand I was diagnosed and
prescribed.
Medication like moodstabilizers.
I was like, okay, I'm going todo more reading about this.
cause before that I was justdoing some light reading.
I'm like, okay, well, if it'ssomething I have, I should know
(24:33):
it really well.
Especially since it'shereditary, it means that it's
very likely my kids will have itespecially daughters.
So I want to make sure thatthey're properly educated as
well.
Right.
So I started reading moreThere's one website that I've
been reading a lot.
it's called BP hope, whichbipolar hope.
So it's BP hope.com.
We'll link it in the show notes.
(24:54):
there was someone who wrote ablog about how she never
realized that.
These moments that she has hurtthe people closest to her a lot.
And how bipolar is literallyknown to be like, you tend to
hurt the people closest to youIt was just that sentence.
Like you heard the peopleclosest to you that made me go,
Oh fuck.
(25:14):
And then I made that connection.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (25:17):
For our poop troops out there who are listening to,
you know, how Andrew you'redescribing ups and downs and how
it felt like such a normalthing, like the way that you
have conversations with mom andthe way that, you know,
relations ships have ups anddowns with the people that you
date for the people who arelistening, who might feel like,
(25:38):
Oh, I can identify.
What would your advice be forpeople who might think like, do
I have bipolar?
Like, is this a thing for me?
Angie Yu (25:50):
Well, I think it's okay to question.
especially if you're beingself-aware right.
So if you're questioning, Hey,are my moods affecting other
people?
Like, I think that's a positivething.
I just hope that you don't gointo this rabbit hole and start
diagnosing yourselves becausethat can be dangerous.
So one of the biggest of bipolaris that the less sleep you get,
(26:12):
the more energetic you become.
Kristy Yee (26:15):
That is not me
Angie Yu (26:16):
Yeah.
Remember, remember when I wastelling you about, I think this
was either in like episode.
Three or episodes six.
and I was saying how, like,there was this period of time
where I was like barelysleeping, but I have like, I'm
just like having the time of mylife.
Kristy Yee (26:29):
Yeah.
And you were like out drinkingand like partying and like, you
know, having sex everywhere.
Angie Yu (26:39):
Yeah.
I mean, that's not true, butyeah, like basically like
engaging in all this activitywhere it was very out of
character for
Kristy Yee (26:46):
Like you felt like you were just living life.
were just riding this high andyou're like, I'm just gonna do
me and I'm going to do all thethings that I want to do.
Angie Yu (26:56):
a very definitive What do you call that?
A definitive symptom ofhypomania.
And if I kept going, it couldhave escalated to.
A full manic episode.
especially since drugs andalcohol can really like push
people with bipolar into thosemoods.
Kristy Yee (27:15):
Like if like whole
Angie Yu (27:20):
That's right.
so that's one of the symptoms isjust like your body.
Kristy Yee (27:26):
We're not scientists.
Angie Yu (27:28):
Another telltale is if you have a family history of
mental health diagnoses or mooddisorders that's also the case.
women often are more susceptibleto bipolar, too.
I have no idea that that wasjust a study that some
scientists did back in 2003.
Kristy Yee (27:46):
I wonder, I wonder if maybe instead of women being
more susceptible, women are justdiagnosed more help and
treatment, or like willing totalk to people about shit.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, there's that
Angie Yu (28:00):
yeah, I actually can see I actually believe that so
there's, there's also thatthere's also, basically for me
when, when I'm in an elevatormood, I think I can do anything
in the world
Kristy Yee (28:16):
that sounds like, like.
Drugs to me, like when, when,the way you describe it, I'm
like, that sounds like I'm justriding on this real big.
Hi, and I am flying on a cloudof unicorns and you know what
I'm
Angie Yu (28:31):
Like actually, like, you feel like you
Kristy Yee (28:34):
feels
epi 20 - kristys raw audio (28:34):
like
Angie Yu (28:34):
spy.
Like that's how much of a grant,like the, they call it the
grandiose.
Like you have thoughts ofgrandiose city.
I don't know how to pronounce itproperly, but like, Grandiosity.
Yeah, you think you can, like, Idon't know, like do all these
different things where normallyyou would be like a gnat.
That's crazy.
You know, and, but the, thedangerous part is, is that you
(28:58):
might engage in things that arevery risky, like impulsive
spending, unprotected sex.
Risky things like abandoningyour day-to-day life to do
something that you think you cando.
so that's when you're at yourhigh and if you're a full blown,
manic episodes, then there'spsychosis episodes, which is
where you're hearing things thatare not there or seeing things
(29:19):
that are not there.
in the low, the low depression.
Point is very similar to normaldepression where you are so
melancholy that you think theworld sucks and everything sucks
and you suck.
And there's no point in livingwhich also happens at the manic
episode too, because you'relike, well, it doesn't matter if
(29:40):
I die.
That's how I felt when I was inmy elevator.
Moods doesn't matter if I diewhen I'm in my low moods, maybe
also doesn't matter if I die.
And that's where the dangercomes from because people with
bipolar, like the, the mooddisorder of being bipolar has
the highest suicide rate amongstall the mood disorders more than
depression.
(30:00):
Because again, the highs are sohigh that the depression feels
lower
Kristy Yee (30:05):
further
Angie Yu (30:06):
exactly.
Yeah.
The drop is further.
Kristy Yee (30:13):
this?
Angie Yu (30:14):
I, I told her over the phone.
Kristy Yee (30:16):
like ring, ring, yo, what's up mom.
Guess
Angie Yu (30:19):
well, I texted her because I'm like, I, I did both
like a voice.
Well, at the time, like Ialready told her about my
depression.
Right.
and I was like, Oh, by the way,like, it was like, by the way,
I'm bipolar.
at this point I think she justlike wanted me to be okay.
She just wanted make sure that Igot the help I needed So I like
(30:41):
looked up bipolar and Chinese Idon't remember.
Kristy Yee (30:47):
Angie Yu (30:47):
Okay.
on.
Let me Google translate it'scalled.
It's all you Jen, whichliterally translates to manic
depression.
Yeah, I don't, I don't know howto, I don't, I don't know what
it is in Cantonese.
and I remember like telling herthat, and I guess she did some
of her own research and she wasjust like, Okay.
(31:09):
yep.
Makes sense.
Kristy Yee (31:11):
I'm thinking right now, like stereotypes and
misunderstanding, and like methinking about Brittany Spears
and, and you previouslyassociating the word crazy
right?
So, what are some of the thingsyou would say to these
stereotypes and thesemisrepresentation of what
bipolar is?
Angie Yu (31:30):
I think, I think the stereotypes and the stigma comes
from the fact that people whoaren't familiar with bipolar
don't know what to make of it.
Right.
They're like, Oh, how can you beso happy at one moment?
It's so sad.
The other moment.
epi 20 - kristys raw audio (31:44):
Mm
Angie Yu (31:44):
I was reading about the history of bipolar.
it goes back like super far,like super, super ancient.
So the ancient Greeks and theancient Romans came up with the
words, mania and melancholy.
So that that's, that has nothingto do with, with bipolar.
That's just like different sidesof the spectrum of moods.
And it was actually Aristotlewho attributed mania.
(32:08):
he thanked mania for being thesource of all these artists and
poets and writers and just likecreative people.
He said that mania is like asource of those creativity,
which is true because people intheir manic States are very
creative.
Kristy Yee (32:27):
And there's so much to express.
I'm thinking like there's somuch emotions, feelings you're
riding on this high, or you'reriding on this low that there's
like, it's gotta come out
Angie Yu (32:39):
extreme on both sides.
It's extreme happiness andextreme sadness.
And when you express them, youexpress out this type of
creativity.
And I remember experiencingthat.
I was writing a lot when I wasexperience all this, I haven't.
Written anything since going onmedication, because I don't have
(33:00):
that same kind of inspiration asI used to because I, I remember
Steve No, he was like, HeyAngie, like, what's your routine
for writing?
What's your inspiration forwriting?
And I'm like, I don't have one.
It'll just click in my head.
I'll sit down.
And two hours later I've writtensomething.
You get into this flow andpeople have talked about the
(33:21):
creative flow and that's stillnormal, but for me, it just
comes out of nowhere.
It's not like I've sat there forfour hours trying to get into
the flow.
And then the flow comes.
It just comes out of nowhere.
And then boom, I run somethingand I have no idea how to do
that again.
Kristy Yee (33:34):
Doesn't
Angie Yu (33:37):
Yes.
But flow usually comes frompractice.
Like you're already sat down,working.
work.
So you start working
Kristy Yee (33:44):
then you get
Angie Yu (33:45):
the flow Yeah.
Whereas for me the flow just
Kristy Yee (33:48):
like you're taking a shit and then boom, the flow
comes and you're get in front ofa laptop now you like wipe your
ass and you go to the laptop,
Angie Yu (33:55):
It almost feels like a little bit of a superpower.
And when I started reading moreabout bipolar I'm reading
people's blogs, there'ssomething called the manic trap
is when people chase thisfeeling and chase this ability
to be extra expressive and extra
Kristy Yee (34:10):
Um, because not only is it a high, but you're
actually, you could be moreproductive, more creative,
you're doing more things andpeople like that.
And they want
Angie Yu (34:21):
so it is kind of like a drug and people try to chase
this.
But the thing is all those timeswhen I did experience a high,
the depression that followed wasreally bad sucked Yeah.
And so there are, all these likeliterature out there that says
why you shouldn't chase itbecause it's dangerous.
(34:42):
And it is dangerous and I cantotally see during my manic
period how dangerous it was.
And if I didn't have the kind ofsupport system that I do have,
like, I don't know where I wouldbe.
Kristy Yee (34:53):
when you swing between the different States, do
you have control over, like, I'mgoing to, I decide that tomorrow
I'm gonna go into my manic
Angie Yu (35:02):
Oh, absolutely not.
for me, a trigger would be notsleeping properly.
Kristy Yee (35:09):
Hmm.
Got they'll like purposely putthemselves into a situation
where it can be triggered, butknowing that the fall is going
to be quite detrimental, butthey're willing to do it because
the highest so good.
like
Angie Yu (35:25):
yes,
Kristy Yee (35:25):
Right.
It's like, they know there's aconsequence.
I shouldn't be taking drugs, butthe highest soul God that it
doesn't matter.
Like I'm willing to do that,which, and drugs in itself, very
risky business
Angie Yu (35:38):
Yeah.
And you know, what's the funnything is that I don't really do
drugs and I've never really donedrugs.
And people would be like, Oh,like, have you ever tried this?
Or have you ever tried that?
I'm like, no, I don't think Ineed it.
That was always my response.
I'm like, I don't think I needit.
Like, I, I feel like I'm likealready tripping most of the
time where like I'm already, solike whatever, most of the time
(35:59):
I'm like, I don't think I needit.
Kristy Yee (36:01):
you think because of the mania Like why you don't
need it because you're alreadyhigh.
Angie Yu (36:08):
Yeah.
I think so I'm already high andif it just makes me even more
high than I'm just like no
Kristy Yee (36:16):
And so is there medication to help manage
bipolar
Angie Yu (36:20):
I think when I was reading about the history of it,
there's like been good times forpeople with bipolar and bad
times for people with bipolarthe bad
Kristy Yee (36:27):
depending on where the timeline in
Angie Yu (36:30):
So the bad times was obvious.
Like people thought that thesepeople with bipolar what
possessed, right.
Especially people with bipolarone, cause they're seeing things
and hearing things.
So they literally thought peoplewere possess so that they would
be, I don't know, like what isit called when they de possess
people?
okay.
And like people would just beeuthanized or like, I don't know
if we're into the river.
(36:51):
and they're, they're the goodtimes.
I think I forget, I feel likethis is also the Romans, but I
could be wrong.
They would just make thesepeople take baths because there
was something called lithiumsalt in these baths.
And even to this day, people
Kristy Yee (37:11):
element salt
Angie Yu (37:17):
Okay.
and now like to this day peoplewith classic bipolar they are
treated with lithium.
atypical bipolar, like myselfwere treated with both ends
depressants and moodstabilizers.
And I say, mood stabilizer,because that's the less
stigmatized phrase.
The actual medication isanti-psychotic, which sounds
(37:37):
scary.
And when the psychiatrist firstmentioned it, she's like, Oh,
this is a mood stabilizer.
And I was like, okay, thatsounds great.
Mood stabilizer.
That sounds great.
And then she's like, yeah, it'slike an anti-psychotic.
And I was like, Oh, and in thatmoment I did find myself like
being really terse.
Kristy Yee (37:53):
okay.
It's it's amazing how.
Our choice of words has effecton how we think about Because
when you say mood stabilizer,you're like, great.
Hook me up.
And then when you sayanti-psychotic, you're like,
Whoa, I'm not psychotic.
I'm not crazy.
Like, are you going to give medrugs?
Because you think I'm crazy.
And then why am I not going tobe who I am?
(38:14):
I'm just going to be a shellversion of myself because I'm
being all drugged up by yourThat was my stereotype.
I just literally verbalized allmy stereotypes.
I word vomited it.
Angie Yu (38:26):
verbalize the first thoughts that went through my
head.
Those were my thoughts.
Exactly.
Those thoughts, because it wasall stigma, stigma, stigma,
stigma.
of course I was just like, Ididn't say anything.
Right.
I was just like, okay, wellobviously I'm going to sit on it
and think about it.
but she the psychiatrist, shewas like, so positive.
She's like, yeah, we'll get yousome anti-psychotic to, you
know, basically theantidepressant is to raise the
(38:49):
floor of my mood.
And the anti-psychotic is topush down the ceiling of my
mood.
So it keeps me at a good medium.
So I'm still like the sameperson.
Like you can see my, mypersonality.
I'm still very like raw andstuff like that.
I don't think it's taken awayany of my personality, are
definitely more medium.
Kristy Yee (39:12):
in a place where you're not putting yourself or
people around you in danger, ina place where you're not, you
know, going days with just likethree hours of sleep and still
riding that high, like.
I can't be healthy for
Angie Yu (39:29):
thing is like, during that period of time, even though
I was only getting a few hoursof sleep a night and I still had
all this energy.
But I couldn't concentrate.
I couldn't focus at work becausewhen you don't sleep, still
can't do those things.
I had energy, but I didn't havefocus.
I had, I had like bigger, but Ididn't have a memory.
Like short-term memory wasreally bad and like all those
(39:50):
things because that's affectedby sleep.
fucking important guys.
Kristy Yee (39:59):
I'm going to go back a little bit.
We talked about how your ex wasone of the first few people who
had mentioned even the wordbipolar.
that relationship didn't gowell.
How did you first tell yourcurrent boyfriend about your
diagnosis and what are somestrategies for the, both of you
Angie Yu (40:18):
Yeah, actually, that's a great question.
the short answer iscommunication.
The long answer is well on oursecond date We were sitting on
my couch and we were justtalking and I was like, I'm
going to be completely liketransparent with you.
I might be bipolar.
It's something that I've onlylearned about myself recently,
(40:40):
but I can see it being probablyvery true.
and I told him that straight upand he was like, I really
appreciate you telling me that.
And I was like, okay.
And I thought he was just beingpolite.
Right.
And I think after a few moredates and also because this was
COVID dating, it was like, webecame exclusive very fast.
Cause I'm like
Kristy Yee (40:57):
one by mom by Christie.
That's actually what happened
Angie Yu (41:06):
I was like, I was like I don't know how you feel about
this whole thing, but I'm
Kristy Yee (41:10):
like I
Angie Yu (41:11):
like we should only be seeing one person at a time.
He's like, yeah.
Yeah.
so, and then I was asking him, Iwas like, Oh, like at what
moment did you think?
Like, Hey, I, I would want to bein a relationship with this
person.
So we exchanged our examples andhis.
First example was the fact thatI told him about my bipolar on
our second date.
And I was like, really?
(41:31):
He's like, yeah, he said hereally appreciated that.
And I was like, okay.
And then ever since then, it'sjust all about communication.
Like I remember actually it wasmore recent, like obviously at
first when everything's like,feel so great.
I literally like, felt like Iwas higher.
Right.
And I told him that and I waslike, yeah, like I just feel
everything more intensely, likegood things.
(41:52):
I feel like it's fantastic.
Bad things.
Even if it's really minor, Ifeel like it's the end of the
world.
And I don't know, he's just beenso good at listening when it
happens, because I'm more awareof it now, I just ramble about
it and he listens and heunderstands.
And the other week I snapped athim, it was that bipolar
irritability that came in and Ijust snapped at him.
(42:14):
And the first thing he said was,why are you yelling at me?
And I was like, I'm yelling atyou.
I'm not yelling.
He's like, yes, you are yelling.
I'm like, Oh my God, I'm sosorry.
The guy didn't even realize Iwas yelling at him.
called me out and I felt shittyabout the next day I woke up.
I'm like staring at him, waitingfor him to wake up.
wakes
Kristy Yee (42:33):
creepy.
Angie Yu (42:38):
I was like on my phone reading about.
Like bipolar anger again.
And as soon as he wakes up, I'msure he was like, that was not
the first thing he wanted to dowhen he woke up.
But I'm like, okay.
So about yesterday when Isnapped at you, he's like what I
saw right away.
I explained to him whathappened.
And I'm like, even though, like,there was a reason behind it,
(42:58):
it's not an excuse.
So I appreciate you calling meon it.
Please.
Don't stop calling me out on it.
Kristy Yee (43:04):
In fact, I think just from our whole conversation
today, you need someone to callout when you're being an asshole
when you're being mean.
And when you're in that state,because you don't know when
you're in that state.
And I think.
In the past, before we were ableto better understand what was
going on, the people that youloved and the people around you,
(43:25):
they were tiptoeing because theyknew that there was this rage,
as you know, your ex had put it,or this temper that your mom had
put it, you know, there'ssomething that was in you.
And everybody felt like it'ssome bomb that could go off any
minute.
So people were really tiptoeingaround that, thinking that that
was.
What was best for you and bestfor everybody in the
relationship, but really what itactually did was hold a lot of
(43:48):
tension in that relationship.
And over time, that tensionruins that beautiful
relationship that you had in thefirst place, because it made
everybody uncomfortable.
And you don't know when you'redoing something that is assholey
right.
So your current boyfriend now,he's just like edgy, you're
being, you're being an asshole.
(44:11):
need that.
Angie Yu (44:12):
And I've lost friends like that too Like when I know
what I'm being, and the thing islike, it turns into resentment,
especially like things that youdon't communicate and the person
keeps doing it.
But they don't know that it'supsetting you.
That just turns into resentment,
Kristy Yee (44:26):
Especially because like, they love you.
And so they put up with it, feellike that's what's in so many
roles whether this is a datingrelationship like a romantic
relationship or a familiarrelationship or a platonic
relationship it doesn't matterbecause when you care about
another human being you wantwhat's best for them But you
also know that in anyrelationship there's ups and
downs.
(44:46):
So people just put up withanother person's bullshit.
When in reality, yes, there areups and downs, but that's why
you got to call each other outand talk to each other about it
and be like, you're being anasshole, you know?
And I think also on the otherhand, like as someone who has
bipolar, I think it's importantto communicate that as well.
Not only because it makes youmore of an attractive girlfriend
(45:09):
potential, but it's also, it'salso like, Hey, I need this.
Like, I.
When I am being an asshole, Idon't know I'm being an asshole
and I need someone to call meout on it.
And so when you don't realizethat yourself, you don't know
that you need to ask that fromother people
Angie Yu (45:26):
that's really well put.
And that's why I like touttherapy.
That's why I'm such an advocatorfor therapy, because it can
honestly improve yourrelationships, not only with
other people, but also withyourself.
Kristy Yee (45:46):
Also point out that those relationships that you had
lost.
Sure.
Some of it might be because.
Of the bipolar because of howyou behave and how you had acted
because you were being anasshole.
But I also think that part of itis from the other side as well,
like, because they weretiptoeing because they were
putting up with your shit.
Right, right.
And they weren't communicatingon their end about it.
They were walking on eggshells.
(46:07):
Like they, they didn't know whatto do and that's perfectly fine.
dunno, ask or be open about openabout it and say like, yo,
you're being really unreasonableright now.
Like what's going on?
help?
Angie Yu (46:19):
Which is why communication is so important
because if the other person'sbeing an asshole, you gotta tell
them.
then to them, they probablydon't think they're being an
asshole.
And this is not just for peoplewith bipolar.
This is for everybody.
Right?
Kristy Yee (46:32):
Yo, I did not realize that the takeaway
episode I'm today, we're goingto talk about bipolar disorder
and it turns out to be like calleach other out
Angie Yu (46:40):
Yeah Yeah.
You can not resent someone forsomething you've never
communicated I don't know,because in Chinese culture,
we're just, everything's justrise on expectations.
And there's so littlecommunication and communication,
but massive amounts ofexpectations.
So it can create a lot ofproblems.
(47:01):
So again, therapy, therapy,therapy, therapy.
Kristy Yee (47:15):
Before we wrap up.
I want to ask you a question,cause I know your mom was super
woke, so I'm not surprised thatshe took it really well.
When you told her what
Angie Yu (47:26):
I don't know because my mom told him and he hasn't
like brought it up ever.
typical.
Yeah.
I don't think he understands, sohe just goes, okay, and also my
dad does still quite doesn'tunderstand what therapy is.
So how I tried to explain it tohim, I'm like, okay, compare
(47:46):
mental health to physicalhealth.
Right.
So a counselor would be like anRMT, right?
Let's say you pulled your backdoing some exercises.
So now there's trauma on yourback.
So you're like, you don't knowwhat, like it's sore.
I'm going to go to the arm totry to get that knot out.
Right.
So I feel like if somethingtraumatic happens, like you lose
a loved one or a relationshipends badly or something like
(48:09):
that, and you need that extraemotional massaging.
Then you can go to a counselor.
It's the same thing.
Like they're trying to get thatknocked out.
But if you have something that'svery, long-term like an old
injury, that's still botheringyou.
That's very psychological, youknow, it's recommended you go
see a therapist for that.
Something that's has longlasting effects.
Just like, I don't know if youinjured your knee when you were
(48:31):
like, I don't know.
And it was a bad injury.
You still got to go to.
Go seek help for it.
The professional help you withseek would be a physio and I
would equate a physio to it.
Therapist, because they'retrying help you manage it on a
day-to-day basis.
a physio will teach youstretches and exercises that can
alleviate this pain, right?
Because that pain is not goinganywhere.
You're stuck with that pain.
(48:52):
Now, same thing with theemotional pain, your
psychologist, is going to try tohelp you alleviate that pain on
a day-to-day basis.
And then let's say you break abone or something.
They need you to go to thedoctor cause you're going to
need drugs for that
Kristy Yee (49:05):
and sometimes you need all three of those folks on
your team at once.
And sometimes you just want oneof them.
Nice.
Nicely put.
That is a good way to wrap upfor today's episode.
But before we do that, we'realso going to read out another
one of our feel good comments.
I think that's what we're goingto call it.
(49:25):
Feel good I like that feel goodcomments.
Angie Yu (51:00):
Wow.
thank you, to this member of ourpoop troop.
I'm also Newfoundland ruralNewfoundland.
That's amazing.
I kind of I want to hear thatstory That's w so I want to know
where a Newfoundland because 700people Wow That's just so so so
different I bet theirperspective on life is is just
(51:22):
so different provide more valueto our perspective.
Kristy Yee (51:25):
And honestly like, yeah, Angie and I were Chinese
Canadians.
We market this podcast as forpeople who are a part of the
Asian diaspora, but really thiscomment.
It makes me feel like, like, ofcourse we welcome anybody to
listen to our podcasts.
and it's amazing to hear that,not only are we shedding light
(51:46):
on being uncomfortable and beingvulnerable and saying that
that's okay to do on the fuckinginternet, but we're also
teaching other people about ourown cultures as well.
And, I think that's super, supercool.
Angie Yu (51:58):
I think so, too.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (51:59):
not like We're like, let's start a podcast so that
white people And I
Angie Yu (52:05):
and I think that's the, beauty of us being humans
that we embrace each other ashumans.
And the thing is like, Mycoworkers, listen to our podcast
every week and there'll be like,Oh yeah, like I totally get
this.
I totally relate to this.
And neither of them are Asian.
And it just seeing that like,Hey yeah, like we have an Asian
podcast because whatever we talkabout, there's an Asian spin to
(52:28):
it because we're Asian.
But at the end of the day, likea lot of things we talk about is
just the human condition and weall relate to it.
And.
Talking about this stuff wouldjust make us a better human.
Kristy Yee (52:40):
so thank you so much, Jay.
For sending this in
Angie Yu (52:43):
glad that we can like retain people's focus and
attention.
That's like
Kristy Yee (52:47):
because we ramble.
Angie Yu (52:49):
Like that's, that's so like heartwarming to know that
we're like doing an okay job.
And just like FYI, like we doput a lot of my friend to cut
the stuff that we think ismumble, jumble.
Kristy Yee (53:03):
most of the time, our episodes are somewhere
between 45 to like an hour 15.
And we would probably talk forover two hours.
Angie Yu (53:12):
yeah.
That episode where it was anhour and 15 and we cut it down
from like 200 hours.
Kristy Yee (53:18):
All right.
Thank you so much for joining ustoday.
Angie Yu (53:20):
Thank you, everyone for listening to my story.
Kristy Yee (53:24):
if you guys have any questions or you want to talk
more about Andrew's experienceas a recent day, no seed
diagnoser more about this shit,Drop us an email at shit.
We don't tell mom@gmail.com andfollow us on Instagram at shit.
We don't tell mom.
Okay.
Bye.
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