May 23, 2021 • 53 mins
Kristy and Angie answer two questions: What are some shit that our kids might not tell us? And what are our Myer-Briggs personalities? Not surprisingly, we get raw and vulnerable debating whether we should have kids and what that might be like.
Highlights:
- Angie is no longer pressuring herself to have kids
- Kristy is more open to the idea of having kids
- Fear of passing down traits like codependency or mental illnesses
- Fear of becoming more and more like your parent
Takeaways:
- We all have a fear of passing down traits, nature or nurture, to our kids
- Awareness and communication can reduce self-fulfilling prophecies
- We can’t control our kids and we can only lead by example
- To be a good mother is to know that you cannot be a perfect mother
Resources:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristy Yee (00:00):
it's been an hour since we hit record and now
(00:01):
we're ready to record our actualepisode.
you want me to do intro?
Do you want to do the intro?
Angie Yu (00:05):
I can do the intro.
Wait, if if I do the intro, Isay welcome.
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom and then youhave to go.
This is Christie
Kristy Yee (00:13):
Oh, the roles have reversed.
Angie Yu (00:15):
I can't say this is Angie and you go, this is
Chrissy.
Why?
I guess we
Kristy Yee (00:18):
Why?
Why not?
Angie Yu (00:19):
true.
Why not?
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
I'm going to go now.
(00:47):
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:52):
And this is Christie.
Angie Yu (00:53):
We are here today to talk about.
Today, today, we're going toanswer a couple of questions
from Karen.
our good friend, Karen, over atMX Asian American, she was also
our guests and we did acollaboration episode with her
on episode 17 to 18.
So if you haven't listened tothis episode yet, go ahead and
(01:14):
check them out.
Kristy Yee (01:15):
we talked about masturbation and a lot of sexy
things.
Angie Yu (01:19):
right.
There was a lot of sexualities,you know, sensual sexualities in
those episodes.
Great topics.
We're not experts.
Karen's not an expert, but wetalked about it from our own
perspectives and our ownexperiences.
Go check it out.
So today we are going to answera couple of questions.
I already said that.
So Karen left us a voice messagethrough the link that we usually
(01:42):
link in our show notes.
And if you would like to ask usa question, feel free to do
that.
So Karen sent us a voice message
Karen Zheng (01:50):
Hi, Christie and Angie, this is Karen.
I love your podcasts and listento every one of them.
I actually have two questionsfor you guys.
The first one is what is yourMyers-Briggs personality type.
And recently I've been realizingthat I've Becoming more and more
like my mother.
so when slash, if you guys havekids what do you think your
(02:14):
children's shit they don't tellmom, which is you in this case
is, and keep up the good work.
Angie Yu (02:22):
Wow.
That second question.
That that's a good one.
Well, you don't think it's agood way.
I think it's a good one.
Kristy Yee (02:31):
I think it's because I know that wasn't, you know, a
genuine response.
Angie Yu (02:35):
well, that was my genuine response when I first
heard it.
So I just like, listen, I likelistened to, like, I imagined
her last part of her message andI was like, yeah, it's a great
question.
Kristy Yee (02:46):
It is a great question.
One that I kind of don't want tothink about
Angie Yu (02:50):
Why is that?
Kristy Yee (02:51):
because it's uncomfortable.
Angie Yu (02:55):
I'm not going to lie.
I have thought about it and Idon't know if that's selfish or
anything like that, but I havedefinitely thought about it
because I mentioned to youbefore how I used to really,
really want kids.
And recently I have kind ofstepped back from that want, and
now I'm kind of 50, 50,
Kristy Yee (03:14):
Sure.
What the audience, what are yourthoughts about kids?
Because in our previousepisodes, I was very like anti
kids and Angie is very like,yeah, I want kids.
Whoo.
My eggs are expiring.
Give me some sperm.
Angie Yu (03:28):
It's not the sperm.
I have trouble getting Allright.
So, all
Kristy Yee (03:37):
Well-played.
So where are you at now?
Where are you at now with likethe thoughts of having kids?
First of all.
Angie Yu (03:42):
I think that after my last relationship ended, which
was, you know, kind of, it waskind of heading down that
territory of like gettingmarried and having kids and all
kind of just like went into ashit hole and a bad one, not a
good shit hole.
Like, you know, like the shitholds that we, we like.
and because of that, I was like,Oh shit, I'm turning 30.
(04:02):
My eggs are expiring.
I needed to find a husband andhave kids now.
And I don't think that was avery healthy perspective to have
going into my new relationship.
And you know, I've taken a stepback and go, Hey, like, I'm
sorry for putting that kind ofpressure on you.
I think that was a result ofkind of like an ego rather than
an actually what I want.
(04:23):
It was more like an ego of like,Hey, I could have a husband and
kids if I wanted to.
And it was almost like to proveto myself that I could do it.
But is it actually what I wantand is a fair for the kid, if
that is why I want it.
Like, I haven't figured out whyI wanted a kid.
I think it's a, it's a multitudeof factors, right?
Like we are a product of ourenvironment.
We, our kids are so no, so wehave been a kid and we have
(04:48):
parents, so we know kind of whatit's like.
And as something that's kind offamiliar and familiar as a, you
know, familiar and also familialfamiliar.
so because of that, I feel likeI've always wanted kids.
Kristy Yee (05:03):
like, it's, it's just the thing to do.
So that's why it's familiarbecause what, what are the
alternatives.
Angie Yu (05:10):
Yeah.
And I have thought about thealternatives before, and I came
to the conclusion that, Hey, Iwant my own family because
growing up, like when I moved toCanada, my family was kind of
broken and it's not somethingthat I regret now, but at the
time, like it, it's, it'ssomething that I recognize that,
(05:31):
you know, I didn't get to havethose Sunday dim sums with my
big family.
I had no longer had Chinese newyear.
And like all those huge familycelebrations, I lost it all when
I moved to Canada.
And of course later on, I didre-establish those traditions on
my own, but you know, that asideI did lose that.
And it was almost always to melike, Hey, I want to have my own
(05:55):
family so that I can reignitethose traditions.
So that was kind of the drivingfactor for me about wanting
kids.
But I think that forcing myselfto always try to achieve that is
not healthy.
Both for me, my potentialpartner and just my mental
health.
So I'm kind of taking a stepback from that want and going,
(06:18):
Hey, you know what, if I end upwith somebody who also wants
kids and they want to contributeto a family as much as I do
then.
Okay, great.
We'll have kids, but if I can't,then you know, it'll be a good
life either way.
I don't have to have kids tohave a good life.
In fact, many people say theydon't want kids so they can have
(06:38):
good life.
Kristy Yee (06:40):
which was my exact argument for not wanting to have
kids, because I don't want to betied down by this parasite that
will just leach off of my moneyand resources forever.
And that I am like emotionallyand morally bounded and
obligated to love this, thisthing and profile forever.
(07:03):
It's not, it's not until they're18.
It's not until they move out.
It's a forever thing because Ilike to think that I'm a decent
human being.
And then if, if a child comesout of my vagina, but how are
they not okay if you think abouta definition of a parasite, but
it, regardless if, if I were tohave a baby come out of my own
(07:25):
vagina, I'm going tounconditionally love it.
I think that's just part of.
Our human chemicals and how weare built, right.
So I will love this thingforever.
And so I will reeling the, bewanting to give all of my
resources and time and energyand youth, basically my entire
(07:47):
life to this thing, which if Ithink about it, it means that I
don't live life for me anymore.
I live life for it.
Then I kind of don't want to dothat.
Angie Yu (08:02):
I can
Kristy Yee (08:02):
So that was my, that was my argument for not having
kids.
Angie Yu (08:05):
Okay.
I can see where you're comingfrom.
Definitely.
and I know that from yoursituation with your dad and your
mom, and you've, you've alwayshad to play the caregiver role
so I can see why, like, you justwant to be like, Hey, I don't
want to care for anybody elseanymore.
I want to just care for me.
And same thing for you.
Like you unconditionally lovedyour parents, no matter how
(08:26):
difficult the situations wereyou were still absolutely caring
and you went through a lot and Ican see why you would have want
kids like.
Totally understand.
And I totally understand whyother people, even if they
hadn't gone through a difficultchildhood would not want to
kids.
Like it's, it's totallyunderstandable.
I'm not one of those people thatlike, Oh my God, you don't want
kids wrong with you.
(08:48):
But with that said, like, Istill think that it's possible
to have your own life and have akid It's hard, but I do think
it's possible.
Kristy Yee (09:02):
good for those people.
Angie Yu (09:05):
And I don't think it'll be possible for me, but
you're right though.
Like for those first 18 years,especially during the really
important years of the kid, youhave to be there for them.
You have to, because we bothknow what it's like to not have
someone be there for us and howtraumatizing that can be.
And we don't want to do that toour kids.
(09:26):
So maybe I'm wrong.
Kristy Yee (09:29):
Here's the, okay.
I don't think there's right orwrong answers.
I think there's just differentopinions.
Different wants differentvalues.
Here's the kicker.
Aye.
We've been thinking about havingkids
Angie Yu (09:42):
C.
Kristy Yee (09:45):
and, okay.
Let me explain myself a littlebit.
I still stand by all of thosearguments that I had just listed
out, but my ex are expiring.
No, that's not why I so rightnow I'm going through a
depressive phase and I don'twant to say the depression is
(10:06):
making me want to have kids, butit caused a cascade of
philosophical thoughts in myhead as depression does for some
people.
And I was thinking, how, how canI as this one, single human
being in the world, how can Ibest serve my community?
(10:30):
How can I best help society?
How can I change the worldbasically?
And that's a really toughquestion to answer because most
of us are not going to changethe world.
We're not superheroes, but whatwe can do is affect those around
(10:54):
us, our families, our friends,our communities, our jobs, the,
you know, choir that I'm a partof it's in our own little hubs.
And then best way for me toserve the world and to serve
society is by producing a decenthuman being for the next
(11:17):
generation.
And that is the most significantway that I can contribute
something to the world, not justfor the time that I'm alive, but
hopefully the impact will carryon generation after generation.
(11:41):
And this seems really like, Idon't know, not bigotry, but
just like big headed of me.
Thank you.
Oh, this, this specimen that I'mgoing to produce is going to be
like so great.
No, like I'm not going tocreate.
The next superhero I've beenwatching a lot of Marvel.
I can't think of anything overthe Falcon in winter.
(12:04):
Soldier just came out.
Okay.
So, but what I'm saying is thatlike the best way that I can
contribute to the world, notonly within my own hubs, in my
own community yes.
But also to produce something,another person, another human
being that can also contributeto their own hub to their own
community.
And, and, and then it keepsongoing, right?
(12:27):
It, it keeps on giving it's thegift that keeps on giving.
That's basically it, that is whyI've been thinking about
considering the possibility of,of having a parasite
Angie Yu (12:42):
I think that's a really good way to think about
that.
And it's not that you're a bigheaded.
I think a lot of people probablydo feel that way.
Like, yes, we have an ego, but Ithink at the end of the day, a
lot of people just want theworld to be a better place,
Kristy Yee (12:58):
and like how, how, how else can I serve and make
the world a better place?
Like I can't cure climate changeor cancer, you know what I mean?
Maybe my kid can, but thesimplest, but also most valuable
thing that I can give is anotherdecent human being on this
(13:19):
planet.
Angie Yu (13:20):
yeah.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
And I like, you know, a lot ofparents, I think one of the
downsides of Parenthood is a lotof parents fall into the trap.
I don't think they consciouslydo it.
And I don't think they decide tobecome a parent because of this.
But a lot of parents live a lifethat they could have had through
their kids.
Right.
(13:41):
And most of the time it's, youknow, it's not something that
they consciously do, but ithappens.
It's happened to me.
I'm sure it's happened to a lotof other people and it's a lot
of pressure for your kids.
So.
Going into that, going intoParenthood with thinking that
you just want to produce adecent human being.
(14:01):
I think that's a fantastic valuethat you can pass down and
you're right.
The best thing we can do is tryto pass down those good traits
and if we all do itcollectively, we try to pass
down.
Good trace that maybe as acollective humanity will be
better.
Kristy Yee (14:23):
now see, this is, this is the part where Karen's
original question while we justwent on for like fucking 15
minutes and it totally ignoredKaren, but that part where she
asks, what was it like when wehave kids?
What, what kind of shit do youthink our kids are going to keep
(14:43):
from us?
This question in itself isactually super interesting.
Cause I'm just like, I w I wouldlove to just call my own kids
out for trying to keep thingsfrom me.
And they think that they're sosmart, but they're not because I
know what's up.
I would look forward to that.
(15:04):
I think underlyingly, what I ammost afraid of is that they're
going to become little shits,
Angie Yu (15:10):
Oh, yeah.
Kristy Yee (15:11):
like they're not going to become decent human
beings.
And, And, then, and then whatthe fuck was the point of
ripping out my vagina for.
Angie Yu (15:18):
Or your, or your abdomen?
yeah.
And I think I've said that too.
I've said that I actually saidthat to my boyfriend yesterday.
Cause we went to Capilano bridgeand like,
Kristy Yee (15:29):
what stimulates the conversation of procreation?
Angie Yu (15:32):
no, not the vagina ripping.
Kristy Yee (15:34):
No, I met Capilano bridge
Angie Yu (15:37):
well, cause there were a lot of kids there.
And there was this one littlegirl.
Oh, she was so cute.
Like, I have more fun watchingher cross the bridge than I did
crossing the bridge.
Like she was just so fascinatedby the bridge and the swaying.
And she was having so much fun,like seeing how she was.
So excitable makes me go.
Yeah, kids are great.
(15:57):
And then, and then there wasanother kid who's like just
being a total shit head.
And I'm like, Oh, kids are notso great.
And and then I said to him, I'mlike, like it's, it's so
astounding that if you give,like, if you decide to have
children, you can love them.
Like, you will always love them,but you might not like him.
Kristy Yee (16:18):
yeah, but then I, I don't that doesn't sit well with
me though.
Angie Yu (16:23):
Okay.
I,
Kristy Yee (16:24):
Like, I, I wanna, I, want to like my kids.
Angie Yu (16:26):
But you might not, you might.
So
Kristy Yee (16:28):
And that's a, that's a big gamble, man.
That's a big ass gamble.
Cause if I'm going to have kids,like, like I said, this is a
forever thing I had to, I can'tjust be like, I quit peace.
You know?
Like you are obligated for lifeforever until, until you die
too.
And, and it would be nice if Iactually liked the kid, Okay,
(16:51):
I'm going to go back to Karen'squestion.
Cause she said recently she'sbeen kind of noticing that she's
becoming more like her motherthat made me super
uncomfortable.
Not because Karen not becauseKaren, you feel like this, but
because I Christie you feel likethis also, I am seeing a lot of
my own traits or my ownbehaviors mimicking my mother's
(17:14):
traits, which are I don't like,and that makes me afraid that my
kid is only going to pick up allmy shitty traits.
And that also scares me too.
That's a whole other pile ofshit.
Angie Yu (17:27):
I completely agree.
And I think that's a veryrelatable fear because we know
what we inherited from ourparents.
And we all see like, behaviorsthat we are like, fuck, you
know, like I'm my mother orlike, I'm my father.
Right.
and honestly, like, I thinkthat's one of those things where
(17:50):
that's just human nature.
Like the whole reason why wehave kids.
It's, it's the only way toguarantee that our Dean nice
arrives and you know, we're nota Biba, we can just like split
ourselves like cologne, butlike, I think that's like a
very.
Bio like very like innate thingthat we do is because we want to
(18:13):
pass down this like DNA.
But I think that as humanbeings, we can overcome some of
our animalistic traits.
And in that case, I think beingaware of, of the fact that we
have these traits that we mightnot like being aware of, that I
(18:37):
think can help us reduce itssignificance and reduce its
influence on our own children.
Kristy Yee (18:44):
what are some things that you would not want to pass
down to your kid?
Angie Yu (18:48):
Cool dependency.
But I think I had enoughconversations, AKA arguments, AK
fights with my mom, that sherealized that if she wants to
continue being a close friend ofmine in my life, like a close,
like a person who's very presentin my life that she had to make
some changes herself.
(19:10):
So right now my mom and I aregoing through this healing
journey together of unlearningcodependency.
Kristy Yee (19:19):
now, I don't know the biologies of this, I would
think that codependency is moreof a learned trait rather than
like a genetic thing.
I don't know.
Angie Yu (19:35):
maybe it, maybe it's a social adaptation as well.
Like if you are codependent,then there is a higher chance of
survival or something like that.
Like, I'm sure there's lots ofanthropological.
I don't know if that's the rightword to explain all this, but
(19:55):
again, like for me, like, Idon't want to come off.
Like I'm blaming my mom.
We're blaming humanity andanthropology, but I'm just
saying, like, I do think we havesome control over traits that we
don't want to pass down, butagain,
Kristy Yee (20:10):
have a lot of control.
Like this is where I'm like, yo,your fear is you're you're
afraid to pass on codependency.
I think that's a totallylegitimate fear.
I think there is likely somegenetic components to that
because there's, there's scienceto say, you know, trauma can be
passed on from generation togeneration.
So what's there to say likecodependency cannot be right,
(20:33):
but I don't know the biologiesof that.
Now what I am saying is that Ithink codependency also a big
part of it is a learned behaviorbecause you are so aware of this
trait and so aware of theharmful natures that it can be.
For you because you've livedthrough it and you're working on
(20:54):
it and you have identified itwith your mom and you guys are
both working on it together.
That makes you way more equippedthan perhaps other folks who
might not be as aware to teachyour kid to not be codependent.
So it actually makes your kideven less susceptible of
(21:15):
codependency because you know,you've been through it.
Angie Yu (21:19):
Yeah, and I think that's the as decent human
beings, that's the most we cando.
So like all your reservationsabout having a kid, because
you're scared of passing downtraits that are negative.
Like the best you can do isbeing aware of them and try not
to do it.
So I don't think.
Like I totally, what I'm tryingto say is I understand where
(21:39):
you're coming from.
And I think there are waysaround it
Kristy Yee (21:44):
and I'm saying I'm like, you, don't gotta be afraid
of it because you, of allpeople, your kid of all people
would be less susceptible to thecodependency thing.
So it's like, you don't need tobe
Angie Yu (21:55):
you're trying to convince me to have kids
Kristy Yee (21:56):
I'm trying to convince you that you shouldn't
be afraid that your kid is goingto be codependent because they
of all people would be mostlikely less co-dependent
Angie Yu (22:06):
Yeah.
another thing that I havetrepidations for is that like, I
have this not, even a fearanymore.
I think I used to be like, Oh, Ihave all these like mental
problems.
And what if I pass them down tomy kid?
And now that I actuallyunderstand what they are, like
one bipolar is very hereditaryor not very humble.
It is hereditary.
(22:27):
and it's common and familieswith known mental illnesses.
And my mom has severe anxietyissues and my grandma has
depression.
Maybe she's bipolar, who knows.
so this is like something thathas affected the maternal side
with the women.
And I know that if I havechildren, they're very
susceptible to have that too.
(22:48):
So for when I first becamediagnosed, I was like, ah, shit,
this is not good for my kids.
But then I also think about aHey, but now I know how to
manage it.
And it's something that I canteach them.
It's I am now equipped with thattool and how to deal with this
Kristy Yee (23:08):
Nope.
Nope, Nope, Nope.
It's too logical.
I don't like it because thoseare exactly the reasons that I'm
afraid to have kids.
One of the reasons is because Idon't want to be passing on all
this depression and like theanxiety, because both my, my,
both, my parents have some formof their own mental illnesses.
(23:30):
And that's exactly why I don'twant to have kids is because I
don't want to continue to passdown this gene because very
likely they're going to get itas well now.
And then your soup in here anduse all your logic and tell me
that, Oh, you are now betterequipped at teaching your kids
(23:50):
how to do better.
Like
Angie Yu (23:53):
You just gave me the exact advice about codependency.
Kristy Yee (23:56):
Okay.
Hm.
Maybe, but my differentiationwas codependency is less of a
genetic thing and more of alearned behavior.
Whereas mental illness, likehaving depression, that's like a
gene.
That is, that is, that is abiological thing.
Like, I, I can't prevent it fromhappening.
(24:19):
Like if they're going to get thegene, they're going to fucking
get the gene.
I can't, I don't have controlwhether or not it's going to be
a recessive gene, or if it'sgoing to be a dominant is what
it is.
I'm forgetting biology 12.
I, I don't have the ability tocontrol that.
Right.
So I F I feel like the mentalillness, part of it a big chunk
(24:44):
of that is biological.
Whereas the codependency thing,a big chunk of that is learned.
So nature versus nurture.
That's what I'm saying.
So codependency is more of anurture bull thing, and you
having the equipment and thetools, you can nurture your way
out of it.
the nature part of it.
Sure.
What, once you get it, there aremanagement tools, right?
(25:07):
Like you get diabetes, there aremanagement tools.
Right.
But I just don't want them toget it.
Like, I don't want nature toplay that card.
Oh God, this all soundshorrible.
Angie Yu (25:17):
no, it's not horrible.
I think it's a very, very realconcern that a lot of people
have, especially people with agenetic predispositions to
genetic illnesses.
Yeah.
But would you, what would yousay to someone who's like, Oh, I
have diabetes, so I don't wantto have kids and cause I don't
want to give them diabetes
Kristy Yee (25:35):
well, I don't know because I, most of me don't want
to have kids too.
Angie Yu (25:41):
yeah.
And I think like, again, like Ithink some, some people out
there with diabetes or heartdisease, or even severe things
like multiple sclerosis, theymight be like, you know what?
I don't want kids because Idon't want to pass this
suffering to them.
And that's their, that's theirthing.
And it sounds logical.
And I'm saying that for me, amental illness and being bipolar
(26:06):
is not something that's going toprevent me from having kids
because I am learning to manageit.
And it's something that I canteach them how to manage.
So that's my personalexperience.
And if it's an, if for you, theanxiety is around passing them a
genetic trait.
I mean, sorry, like a genetichereditary illness of having a
mental illness, then that'stotally okay too.
(26:28):
so I understand where your fearis coming from and yeah.
It's not something that you cantherapy a way, but I also don't
think codependency is somethingyou can therapy away as well.
I, I think that it takes many,many generations to overcome it.
Kristy Yee (26:46):
What are, what are the other traits that you would
be afraid of passing on?
Angie Yu (26:51):
I don't know.
I D I don't, I don't know, but Ifeel like the only thing you can
and really do is make them moreaware.
I haven't really thought aboutlike, what other traits do I
want to withhold?
Because again, it's like a selffulfilling prophecy, if you're
(27:11):
like, Oh, I
Kristy Yee (27:12):
maybe like, yeah, like it, it might not be serving
us very well if we're just like,here's all the shit that I do
that I don't want my kid to doas well.
Angie Yu (27:22):
And for me,
Kristy Yee (27:23):
probably not very healthy.
Angie Yu (27:24):
What about you?
Like, what are so other than themental illness thing, like, what
are other traits that you'rescared of?
Kristy Yee (27:31):
I just don't want them to be a little piece of
shit.
I just don't want to have thembecome a turd.
And then I hate them.
I think a lot of the things thatI'm afraid of passing on revolve
around the mental illness.
So the diagnosis itself, thedepression, the anxiety, the the
(27:53):
thing I have, I haven't talkedabout this before on the
podcast, and I haven't reallytalked about it with you before
either because I have this angerthing.
Like I sometimes think I needanger management and I also
don't want to pass that on.
And my mom has said it to mebefore.
How, when I'm angry, I remindher of my dad.
(28:16):
Because my dad was a very angryperson, very violent.
And she says that I remind herof him and that, and it scares
her.
Like it brings out actual fearin her, which heightens her
anxiety even more.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I don't want my kid to besome angry, little shithead
Angie Yu (28:44):
right.
Kristy Yee (28:45):
and I wonder if it's, I also wonder if it's,
because I, if I put all of thenegative thoughts that I have
about myself, like I'm like,maybe it's because I think I'm a
little shit head, maybe it'sbecause I think I'm just like
little angry little Asian girl,just balled up with like anger,
(29:05):
frustration and, and depression.
And, and I wonder if it's anegative judgment on myself and
that makes me, like I say thatthat's what I'm afraid of, of
passing onto my kids, but reallyit's just my own negative
reflection of my self.
Angie Yu (29:23):
I was just going to say, it feels like you're
projecting.
Kristy Yee (29:27):
Yes.
That's the word projection.
Angie Yu (29:29):
just gonna
Kristy Yee (29:29):
That's
Angie Yu (29:30):
it sounds like you're projecting onto your kid.
And that's exactly what I mean,when I say like, some parents
don't do it consciously, butthey, they try to live through
their kids or they projectsomething onto their kids.
And the other thing I want tosay is like, like don't beat
yourself up over that becauseyou spent very what are those
(29:52):
called?
Like the very like criticaldevelopment period of your
childhood with your dad.
So you learned this behavior,right?
Again, that's not, I don't thinkanger is a, is a genetic thing,
especially since we learned thatanger is a secondary emotion.
It comes after a more realprimary emotion of being scared
(30:14):
or being irritated or beingfrustrated.
so with that said, if that'ssomething that you're committed
into unlearning so that youdon't pass it to your kid, it's
something that you can work on.
Like you said, maybe you needanger management and that
doesn't mean going to like abootcamp.
I think it just means likejournaling down wiring.
(30:36):
I agree.
Kristy Yee (30:38):
are there bootcamps?
Cause that kind of sounds fun.
Angie Yu (30:41):
I think there are like, I think
Kristy Yee (30:43):
bunch of angry people would get together and
then we sing kumbaya and wethrow axes and trees like break
plates for some very uninvitingmental action,
Angie Yu (30:56):
very
Kristy Yee (30:57):
but
Angie Yu (30:58):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (30:59):
that does sound kind of fun.
Angie Yu (31:00):
I, it seems like our, our debates, like your, your
hesitation comes from both alearned behavior and a natural
behavior, a natural trait.
And for me, it's like, well,there's nothing you can do about
passing down a natural genetictrade.
(31:20):
And am I, am I resentful of mymom or my grandma for having
kids?
Because they pass down theirmental illness?
No, I'm not.
However your kid turns out,that's an awesome thing you can
control.
It's like, again, now you haveto
Kristy Yee (31:36):
wise, genetic wise, everything else as a parent, I
think is your responsibility.
Angie Yu (31:42):
So
Kristy Yee (31:42):
And also we don't know what the fuck we're talking
about.
We don't know if this isactually like how much of the
nurture versus nature in all ofthese things.
Angie Yu (31:51):
Yeah.
Like we're not a parent,
Kristy Yee (31:52):
I don't, well, I mean, we're not also scientists
either.
I don't know how much anger isbased off of nurture.
And I don't know how much ofanger is based off of nature
basically.
And I don't know how muchcodependency is based off of
nurture versus nature, but yeah,
Angie Yu (32:09):
Yeah.
And listeners are, if there areany parents in our poop trip,
which we know a few.
Send us a DM, let us know, like,if there are traits that you're
working on with your children orsome things that maybe you
haven't even thought of we wouldlove to hear from you so
Kristy Yee (32:29):
still haven't answered a
Angie Yu (32:30):
I, was just going to say that.
So just circle back to Karen'squestion about recently, I've
been realizing that I'vebecoming more and more like my
mother, right.
And
Kristy Yee (32:44):
Karen.
You're not alone.
I see see me as my mother moreoften than I want to it's it's
gross.
Angie Yu (32:51):
yeah, same.
Kristy Yee (32:52):
It's very uncomfortable.
Angie Yu (32:53):
I've had this conversation with my mom.
I'm like, mom, do you sometimeswish I was a different kind of
daughter?
And she was just
Kristy Yee (33:00):
That's a really tough question to answer as a
parent.
Imagine if your, your fuckingkid asked you that
Angie Yu (33:07):
well,
Kristy Yee (33:07):
little sister
Angie Yu (33:08):
exactly.
the, and the little shit thing,like I'm not going to lie.
I think I was a little shit, butthere are traits in me that my
mom really liked.
and there are traits in me thatmy mom doesn't like, like.
Does she like me as a person?
Absolutely.
She makes it very clear that sherespects me as a person because
I have my own conviction.
I'm very independent.
are there traits of me that shedoesn't like?
(33:30):
Yeah, because I, because ofthose things that doesn't make
me a very good daughter.
It doesn't make me a good dose.
I'll filial piety,
Kristy Yee (33:38):
or the daughter.
that she wants
Angie Yu (33:40):
It doesn't make me the kind of daughter that Chinese
society wants.
Like, and, and that's somethingthat she thought she wanted and
she feels the same kind of guiltto her parents as well, because
she doesn't think she fulfillsthat role of the perfect Chinese
daughter.
You know what I mean?
Kristy Yee (33:56):
that in itself is like a whole other like lesson
or takeaway is that we can'tjust like put people back into
little boxes because first ofall, you will never be
satisfied.
You, you can't like you can'tput expectations on people and
then expect that to happen.
Right like that, you just can'tdo that.
But we do that in society.
(34:16):
We, we, we want to put ourselvesinto these little boxes.
Right?
We want our kids to be a certainway.
We want our husbands and ourboyfriends and our girlfriends
and our partners to be a certainway.
Right.
And we want that from ourfriends, from our coworkers,
from the, from our projectgroup, project members, we have
these expectations.
And then, and then when theydon't meet those expectations,
(34:37):
then we're like, fuck, fuck you,you little shit.
Angie Yu (34:40):
And that's exactly what I mean, like.
It's okay.
To be scared, but Hey, you can'tcontrol what your kid's going to
turn out to be like, you can tryyour best to teach them values
and teach them principles.
But you can't, you can't controllike you, you have to manage
your expectations with your kidsas well, because they might be a
(35:00):
little, his shit heads.
So back to Karen's question,
Kristy Yee (35:05):
Are we, are we subconsciously avoiding the
Angie Yu (35:08):
I think maybe we are so
Kristy Yee (35:11):
Okay.
So Karen asks, if we have kids,when, and if we have kids, what
do we think our kids would notwant to tell us
Angie Yu (35:21):
yeah.
What are the
Kristy Yee (35:22):
shit that they don't want to tell their moms AKA us.
So we are the moms at our kidsgot some shit they don't,
they're not gonna share.
Angie Yu (35:29):
I mean, I've kept a lot of stuff from my mom, but I
eventually told her pretty mucheverything.
Like how I used to go clubbingguests, super drunk, and then I
would get home.
I'd be puking the next day andshe'd be like, Oh my God, what
happened?
And I'd be like, Oh, I ate somebad sashimi.
then after a few times she'slike,
Kristy Yee (35:48):
you actually think she bought that?
Angie Yu (35:51):
because for a long time she would not eat the
Shamea.
She was like, Nope, Nope.
And then she even said to me,she's like, if you always get
the sick from sashimi, why doyou keep eating it?
Which is kind of funny.
Cause I would say the same thingto my kids.
Like if you keep gettinghangovers, why do you keep
drinking this much?
Right.
But my mom was just be like, whydo you keep eating sashimi?
Kristy Yee (36:11):
I lied a lot and I haven't come clean to like 90%
of that shit.
So I'm going to fully expect mykid to lie a shit ton as well.
I'm hoping that if I ever have akid.
That I would be open enough tohave a conversation where they
(36:35):
can feel a little bit morecomfortable in sharing all the
delinquencies that they dowithout feeling that they are
going to be reprimanded for it.
I feel like my kid will have alot of shit that they don't tell
me, but they're gonna be likelittle tiny stuff.
Like, Oh, I'm going to go sneakout one of my friends.
(36:56):
But I mean, that's how my momwould go into the library, you
know, like dumb shit that Iactually don't care about, but
they're going to lie about itbecause it's part of their
teenage experience.
I'm hoping that anything likebigger things, they will feel
comfortable in sharing with mebecause we would have set that
precedent since the beginning oftime that it's okay to share
about these things that it'sokay to like talk shit.
Angie Yu (37:18):
We have to lead by example.
Like we have to be astransparent as we can be with
them.
Of course, if they're six yearsold and they're like, where do
babies come from?
Then we're going to be a littlebit hesitant on sharing the
truth.
But I think, yeah,
Kristy Yee (37:30):
them.
They're going to learneventually I will probably
square.
Angie Yu (37:36):
yeah, I will probably swear.
I will just be like, that's agrownup word and you can't use
it until you're grown up.
Kristy Yee (37:40):
I'll have to think about
Angie Yu (37:41):
Yeah.
Or like just things like, Ithink if they're 13 and they're
like feeling uncomfortable aboutthemselves or stuff like that, I
think I'll try my best to betransparent because I realized
that.
I had a pretty good, because mymom was pretty like no filter.
And she did, she did like, shewas pretty transparent with me
(38:01):
on most things.
So because of that, it made mefeel like I had a safe space.
Of course she still said a lotof things that made me go really
cringe and usually it's to dowith sex.
And I'm always like, mom, mom,
Kristy Yee (38:15):
I want to be that type of mom that just like
nonchalant talk about theuncomfortable, like talk about
sexy stuff.
Talk about uncomfortable things,embarrass the fuck out of them.
Like, isn't that part of thesmall joys that you get?
Like these are the small joys,right?
So you better believe that I'mgoing to make the most out of
(38:36):
that because there's so muchother shit that comes along with
being a parent.
Angie Yu (38:40):
And that's the fun part.
Like you gotta make it fun foryourself.
You can't just put your own joyon the back of the the back of
whatever
Kristy Yee (38:48):
Yeah.
Create joy in the expense ofyour kids,
Angie Yu (38:53):
well, they stole our joy and the expense of being
alive, the least we can get backfrom them is to create some joy
at their expense.
That's my logic.
Like I'm going to be waking themthem up at like.
You know, when they're teenagersand all they do is sleep till
3:00 PM.
I, you know, I'm going to walkinto their room with pots and
(39:14):
pans and wake them up Like, I'mjust going to do that.
Like I
Kristy Yee (39:19):
your chicken Cleaver.
Angie Yu (39:24):
I'll walk in with a Cleaver, like if you don't get
up,
Kristy Yee (39:26):
We've written a walk
Angie Yu (39:28):
boom, boom, boom.
Kristy Yee (39:29):
I think the most fearful version would be if my
kids just don't tell meanything,
Angie Yu (39:34):
I think that's a very real fear and I'm sure this is
what a lot of people have, likerelate to.
And again, like, again, it's outof our control and there's, we
can't control our kids.
We can't force them to tell herstuff.
we can't force them to tell ustheir stuff.
Like the only thing we can do islike, it a safe space.
Like my friend one of myfriends.
(39:55):
She was such a good Kish and Inever got drunk.
She was just like a greatdaughter.
And I remember we all went outclubbing ones and her mom like
encouraged her to have fun.
And she got really drunk.
We got her really drunk.
She came home, she was pukingthe whole time.
She puked on her carpet and allher mom did was laugh and make
(40:17):
her clean it up.
The next
Kristy Yee (40:18):
ah, I love it.
Angie Yu (40:20):
her mom laughed, helped her a little bit with the
cleanup and was like, yeah, nowyou've learned your lesson.
Like S you know, like you justhave to give them that safe
space to let them learn thingson their own.
And if they fuck up, the onlything we can do is be there for
them and try to try to be a goodmom.
I think being a good mom doesn'tmean that we try to make them as
perfect of a person.
(40:41):
I think being a good mom justmeans like, Hey, I'm here for
you.
I'm here for your emotionalsupport, financial support until
some point.
And yeah.
Kristy Yee (40:51):
I think trying to make your kid, the perfect
person makes you a bad parent.
Angie Yu (41:00):
yes, absolutely agree
Kristy Yee (41:03):
Your mom, your friend's mom sounds super dope.
I had a friend who also had areally cool mom back in the
clubbing days.
And she would, she would driveus to the clubs in this, like
their family van, which is likea big white van.
(41:24):
That's great.
And then we would get her todrop us off, like a couple
blocks away from the club venue.
Cause it's embarrassing to haveyour mom drive you.
Right.
And then we would like be predrinking at the back seat of
this van.
Then we go clubbing and then,then we get super wasted and
then one will come back and pickus up in her weight bed again,
(41:46):
and then drop us all offindividually at all of our
houses.
Angie Yu (41:50):
I love that.
because I think that's a lotbetter than like, where are you
getting home?
When are you getting home andjust worrying about their
safety?
But I guess to bring it back toKaren's question for me, it's
like, you know what, I don'tknow what they're not going to
tell me.
And I don't know if they'regoing to tell me something and
there's nothing that Ispecifically scares me about
(42:13):
what they're not going to tellme as a mom.
The best thing I can do isprovide a safe space for them
and to communicate enough sothat I trust that they'll make
the right decision.
And if I trust them, thenthey'll trust that if they make
a mistake, I'll be there tosupport and not borate.
Kristy Yee (42:30):
And for me, my perfect little scenario is there
just.
They might lie about some dumbshit that I actually don't give
a fuck about and that I willactually know what it is.
And I'll just laugh about it,you know, in the, in the kitchen
with my Murlow or some shit atmy marble countertops, that's
(42:53):
the, that's the fantasy version.
And then the, the scary versionis they just don't talk to me at
all.
Oh,
Angie Yu (43:00):
And you're drinking boxed wine on your vinyl
countertop.
Kristy Yee (43:04):
no hay for box wine.
Sometimes you just need boxwine.
Okay.
Angie Yu (43:15):
So speaking of box wine, I think right now would be
a great time to slide one of ourfeel good feedbacks from one of
our listeners.
So this comment here is fromTamara and Tamara said, hello.
I just wanted to say that Ilistened to your most recent
episode, and I really liked it alot.
I'm on the ACE spectrum.
So sex and sexuality have alwaysbeen kind of a weird subject for
(43:37):
me in some different and somevery similar ways.
And hearing you guys talk aboutus.
So frankly was reallyrefreshing.
Smiley face.
also.
I hope you're enjoying 30.
It's my favorite year so far.
And congratulations on your win.
For those who are not familiar,the ACE spectrum is with regards
to the asexuality spectrum.
(43:57):
And this is a topic that Iabsolutely am no expert in.
All I can say really.
As someone who's, you know,heterosexual and cisgender is
that sexuality is dynamic.
It's not something that'sconcrete.
And I just hope that as asociety, we can embrace all
different types of sexuality andreally dismantle the idea that
(44:19):
sexuality is a two-prong thing.
Thank you again, Tamara, forsharing that openly with us, it
might not always be easy andhopefully we can have more
conversations on our platformAnd if you would like to leave
us a comment or give us somefeedback.
Please slide into our DMS, sendus an email or leave us an audio
message.
The last one is available viathe link in our show notes.
(44:42):
We would love to hear from you.
And if you do leave a audiomessage for us, we would love to
insert it into one of ourepisodes, much like how this
episode is based on Karen'squestions.
All right now let's go back tothe episode
Kristy Yee (45:00):
Okay.
Here's okay to wrap up thisepisode, we're going to answer a
Karen's first question and wesaved this one for last, because
it's an easy one.
What is your Myers-Briggspersonality type?
I actually do this every year.
Angie Yu (45:12):
Oh
Kristy Yee (45:13):
a breakdown almost every year and I do it with my
boyfriend and then we compare itto see like first of all, have
we changed?
and the kind of like, learn moreabout each other so that we can
be more understanding andcompatible with the other
person.
Angie Yu (45:26):
I like that.
Kristy Yee (45:27):
And I wish I would teach you.
so my latest Myers-Brigg is I aman E N F P dash T.
So an ENF P
Angie Yu (45:38):
And what's your boyfriend
Kristy Yee (45:39):
Oh, I don't remember
Angie Yu (45:43):
who cares?
Kristy Yee (45:43):
it's about me.
Okay.
It's always about me and how hecan modify his behavior to Sue
tomorrow.
Angie Yu (45:53):
so do you know what the T stands for?
Kristy Yee (45:54):
there's either an a or a T and I don't, I don't
actually quite remember.
It's an.
A new sub
Angie Yu (46:00):
Yeah.
So I'm also an E N F P, but I'man E N F P a.
Kristy Yee (46:08):
Ah,
Angie Yu (46:09):
same.
You're T and I'm a,
Kristy Yee (46:11):
interesting.
Okay.
Now we kind of have to, okay.
Let me just Google this a versusT assertive versus turbulent.
Angie Yu (46:20):
Oh,
Kristy Yee (46:21):
Oh fuck.
I have to complete a fuckingsecurity check and click off all
the pictures that contain aboat.
So assertive personality is thecalm in the storm.
Angie Yu (46:31):
no, that can't be right.
Maybe I am also T
Kristy Yee (46:34):
A sort of a sort of individuals are self-assured
even tempered and resistant tostress
Angie Yu (46:40):
okay.
That's not me.
What the
Kristy Yee (46:42):
don't worry too much.
Angie Yu (46:47):
came?
I must've remembered wrong.
Kristy Yee (46:48):
they're unlikely to spend a lot of time thinking
about their past actions orchoices.
Anyways, I'm just gonna scrolldown.
Okay.
turbulent.
This is their subtitle.
Okay.
Power of stress.
Activate turbulent individualsare success driven,
perfectionistic and eager toimprove.
There are always trying tocounter balance their
self-doubts by achieving more.
(47:09):
That is definitely me
Angie Yu (47:11):
okay.
Maybe I'm
Kristy Yee (47:12):
as, just as they push themselves to become better
they're as likely to push theirprojects or efforts in the same
direction.
Turbulent personalities tend tonotice little problems and often
do something about them beforethey become larger ones.
Angie Yu (47:28):
Yeah.
Okay.
That's not me either.
Maybe, maybe I'll do mine rightnow.
And with the magic ofpost-production right away.
I'll tell you guys what I am
Kristy Yee (47:39):
let's find out in one second.
Maybe I should do mine again.
I haven't done my 20, 21.
We're we're gonna, we're goingto do this together.
Live on
Angie Yu (47:47):
And you'll find out in one second.
Okay, so that one second is up.
Kristy Yee (47:55):
so first of all, Well, let's, let's go back
again.
What were you before and whatare you now?
Angie Yu (48:01):
So I was ENF P before, and I can't remember if it was
AA or a T assertive orturbulent.
What about you?
Kristy Yee (48:09):
I was Ian F P and I was turbulent.
Angie Yu (48:14):
Okay.
So I am still at UNFP and I amturbulent and I have a feeling I
was also turbulent before.
Cause I sort of just did notsound like me, but then
turbulent also didn't sound likeme.
So I don't know
Kristy Yee (48:27):
So mine changed, which is actually not surprising
because I mentioned I do thisevery year.
I actually switched between backand forth between Ian F P and
ENF J so in 2021, I E F J.
Angie Yu (48:44):
Interesting So what was the last time you switched?
Kristy Yee (48:49):
good question.
And I have this ready, uh, 20.
I know, cause I, I save all ofmy 16 personalities.
Oops.
I save all of my Myers-Briggs,but spoiler, I use 16
personalities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We are not sponsored.
Although 16 personalities.
(49:09):
You're welcome to sponsor us.
Angie Yu (49:11):
Yes.
Kristy Yee (49:11):
the last time I was an ENF, J dash T was 2019.
Angie Yu (49:18):
Oh, interesting.
Kristy Yee (49:19):
I was ENF J 2020.
I was ENF P and now 2021.
I am Ian F J again,
Angie Yu (49:26):
Interesting.
And I like that.
You're like I have this on handready to go.
Cause that's very T of you.
So I have been ENF P for quitesome time now.
And I think the last time I wasENF J was in university.
Kristy Yee (49:40):
Hmm.
Angie Yu (49:42):
And I don't quite know what happened, but I think that
living abroad definitely changedme quite a bit changed my
perception of things, which kindof makes sense because I'm
prospecting, the tray reflectsour approach to work planning
and decision-making really okay.
(50:07):
Yeah.
Prospecting individuals are verygood at improvising and spotting
opportunities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would say I'm more of animproviser.
Kristy Yee (50:15):
here's another example between J versus P is J
yay.
These are some of the statementsI would, would apply to folks
who identify as Jay is.
I like to have things decided Iappear to be task oriented.
I'd like to make lists of thingsto do I giggle because I am the
(50:37):
list-maker of the group.
I like to get my work donebefore playing I plan work to
avoid rushing just before adeadline.
And sometimes I focus so much ona goal that I miss new
information.
So that's what Jay identifieswith.
And then PS, PS.
Are I like to stay open andrespond to whatever happens.
(50:58):
I appear to be loose and casual.
I like to keep plans to aminimum.
I like to approach work as playor mix both work and play.
I work in bursts of energy.
I am stimulated by anapproaching deadline and
sometimes I stay open to newinformation so long.
I miss making decisions whenthey are needed.
Angie Yu (51:18):
Yeah, that
Kristy Yee (51:19):
I feel like you're definitely more P than
Angie Yu (51:22):
And maybe the reason why I used to be ENF J is
because answering the questions,I was probably a lot more
organized with schoolwork.
And I think because that's how Ilearned to study, but in terms
of actual work now in the reallife, I'm definitely more Yolo,
which is not always a goodthing.
(51:42):
I think there's pros and cons toboth.
Kristy Yee (51:44):
What's interesting is, you know, how, in the past,
in like previous episodes, wetalked about astrology.
We talked about Myers-Briggs.
We talked about all thesepersonality tests and how we, we
select the answers that webelieve we are.
So I will pick all the Ravenclaw answers because I want to
(52:06):
be in Raven claw.
Right.
Like whether that is a consciousor subconscious thing, we do
that self fulfilling prophecy,man.
That's like a theme with, wheream I going with this?
You asked me if I'm introvertedor extroverted, what percentage?
Because I keep saying I am moreintroverted than people think I
(52:26):
am this test in 2021.
I am the least extrovertedcompared to all of my other test
results.
Angie Yu (52:35):
So when you, okay, so first of all, you mentioned
astrology, so it made my eyes,
Kristy Yee (52:41):
And then your heart pounded.
then your palms start
Angie Yu (52:43):
sweat.
and then mom's spaghetti.
Kristy Yee (52:50):
We have talked everything from our perspective
of kids and how that has changedand what we would be like as
parents and what our fears areas parents, our fantasy version
of having kids and our scaryversion of having kids.
And then we went all the way toMyers-Briggs and relationships.
(53:11):
This is a mish-mash.
Thank you, Karen.
Again
Angie Yu (53:15):
Yes.
Kristy Yee (53:15):
I think peace out.
Angie Yu (53:17):
Okay.
(53:45):
All right now, let's go back tothe episode.
All right now, let's go back tothe episode.
All right now let's go back tothe episode
it's been an hour since we hit record and now
(00:01):
we're ready to record our actualepisode.
you want me to do intro?
Do you want to do the intro?
Angie Yu (00:05):
I can do the intro.
Wait, if if I do the intro, Isay welcome.
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom and then youhave to go.
This is Christie
Kristy Yee (00:13):
Oh, the roles have reversed.
Angie Yu (00:15):
I can't say this is Angie and you go, this is
Chrissy.
Why?
I guess we
Kristy Yee (00:18):
Why?
Why not?
Angie Yu (00:19):
true.
Why not?
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
I'm going to go now.
(00:47):
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:52):
And this is Christie.
Angie Yu (00:53):
We are here today to talk about.
Today, today, we're going toanswer a couple of questions
from Karen.
our good friend, Karen, over atMX Asian American, she was also
our guests and we did acollaboration episode with her
on episode 17 to 18.
So if you haven't listened tothis episode yet, go ahead and
(01:14):
check them out.
Kristy Yee (01:15):
we talked about masturbation and a lot of sexy
things.
Angie Yu (01:19):
right.
There was a lot of sexualities,you know, sensual sexualities in
those episodes.
Great topics.
We're not experts.
Karen's not an expert, but wetalked about it from our own
perspectives and our ownexperiences.
Go check it out.
So today we are going to answera couple of questions.
I already said that.
So Karen left us a voice messagethrough the link that we usually
(01:42):
link in our show notes.
And if you would like to ask usa question, feel free to do
that.
So Karen sent us a voice message
Karen Zheng (01:50):
Hi, Christie and Angie, this is Karen.
I love your podcasts and listento every one of them.
I actually have two questionsfor you guys.
The first one is what is yourMyers-Briggs personality type.
And recently I've been realizingthat I've Becoming more and more
like my mother.
so when slash, if you guys havekids what do you think your
(02:14):
children's shit they don't tellmom, which is you in this case
is, and keep up the good work.
Angie Yu (02:22):
Wow.
That second question.
That that's a good one.
Well, you don't think it's agood way.
I think it's a good one.
Kristy Yee (02:31):
I think it's because I know that wasn't, you know, a
genuine response.
Angie Yu (02:35):
well, that was my genuine response when I first
heard it.
So I just like, listen, I likelistened to, like, I imagined
her last part of her message andI was like, yeah, it's a great
question.
Kristy Yee (02:46):
It is a great question.
One that I kind of don't want tothink about
Angie Yu (02:50):
Why is that?
Kristy Yee (02:51):
because it's uncomfortable.
Angie Yu (02:55):
I'm not going to lie.
I have thought about it and Idon't know if that's selfish or
anything like that, but I havedefinitely thought about it
because I mentioned to youbefore how I used to really,
really want kids.
And recently I have kind ofstepped back from that want, and
now I'm kind of 50, 50,
Kristy Yee (03:14):
Sure.
What the audience, what are yourthoughts about kids?
Because in our previousepisodes, I was very like anti
kids and Angie is very like,yeah, I want kids.
Whoo.
My eggs are expiring.
Give me some sperm.
Angie Yu (03:28):
It's not the sperm.
I have trouble getting Allright.
So, all
Kristy Yee (03:37):
Well-played.
So where are you at now?
Where are you at now with likethe thoughts of having kids?
First of all.
Angie Yu (03:42):
I think that after my last relationship ended, which
was, you know, kind of, it waskind of heading down that
territory of like gettingmarried and having kids and all
kind of just like went into ashit hole and a bad one, not a
good shit hole.
Like, you know, like the shitholds that we, we like.
and because of that, I was like,Oh shit, I'm turning 30.
(04:02):
My eggs are expiring.
I needed to find a husband andhave kids now.
And I don't think that was avery healthy perspective to have
going into my new relationship.
And you know, I've taken a stepback and go, Hey, like, I'm
sorry for putting that kind ofpressure on you.
I think that was a result ofkind of like an ego rather than
an actually what I want.
(04:23):
It was more like an ego of like,Hey, I could have a husband and
kids if I wanted to.
And it was almost like to proveto myself that I could do it.
But is it actually what I wantand is a fair for the kid, if
that is why I want it.
Like, I haven't figured out whyI wanted a kid.
I think it's a, it's a multitudeof factors, right?
Like we are a product of ourenvironment.
We, our kids are so no, so wehave been a kid and we have
(04:48):
parents, so we know kind of whatit's like.
And as something that's kind offamiliar and familiar as a, you
know, familiar and also familialfamiliar.
so because of that, I feel likeI've always wanted kids.
Kristy Yee (05:03):
like, it's, it's just the thing to do.
So that's why it's familiarbecause what, what are the
alternatives.
Angie Yu (05:10):
Yeah.
And I have thought about thealternatives before, and I came
to the conclusion that, Hey, Iwant my own family because
growing up, like when I moved toCanada, my family was kind of
broken and it's not somethingthat I regret now, but at the
time, like it, it's, it'ssomething that I recognize that,
(05:31):
you know, I didn't get to havethose Sunday dim sums with my
big family.
I had no longer had Chinese newyear.
And like all those huge familycelebrations, I lost it all when
I moved to Canada.
And of course later on, I didre-establish those traditions on
my own, but you know, that asideI did lose that.
And it was almost always to melike, Hey, I want to have my own
(05:55):
family so that I can reignitethose traditions.
So that was kind of the drivingfactor for me about wanting
kids.
But I think that forcing myselfto always try to achieve that is
not healthy.
Both for me, my potentialpartner and just my mental
health.
So I'm kind of taking a stepback from that want and going,
(06:18):
Hey, you know what, if I end upwith somebody who also wants
kids and they want to contributeto a family as much as I do
then.
Okay, great.
We'll have kids, but if I can't,then you know, it'll be a good
life either way.
I don't have to have kids tohave a good life.
In fact, many people say theydon't want kids so they can have
(06:38):
good life.
Kristy Yee (06:40):
which was my exact argument for not wanting to have
kids, because I don't want to betied down by this parasite that
will just leach off of my moneyand resources forever.
And that I am like emotionallyand morally bounded and
obligated to love this, thisthing and profile forever.
(07:03):
It's not, it's not until they're18.
It's not until they move out.
It's a forever thing because Ilike to think that I'm a decent
human being.
And then if, if a child comesout of my vagina, but how are
they not okay if you think abouta definition of a parasite, but
it, regardless if, if I were tohave a baby come out of my own
(07:25):
vagina, I'm going tounconditionally love it.
I think that's just part of.
Our human chemicals and how weare built, right.
So I will love this thingforever.
And so I will reeling the, bewanting to give all of my
resources and time and energyand youth, basically my entire
(07:47):
life to this thing, which if Ithink about it, it means that I
don't live life for me anymore.
I live life for it.
Then I kind of don't want to dothat.
Angie Yu (08:02):
I can
Kristy Yee (08:02):
So that was my, that was my argument for not having
kids.
Angie Yu (08:05):
Okay.
I can see where you're comingfrom.
Definitely.
and I know that from yoursituation with your dad and your
mom, and you've, you've alwayshad to play the caregiver role
so I can see why, like, you justwant to be like, Hey, I don't
want to care for anybody elseanymore.
I want to just care for me.
And same thing for you.
Like you unconditionally lovedyour parents, no matter how
(08:26):
difficult the situations wereyou were still absolutely caring
and you went through a lot and Ican see why you would have want
kids like.
Totally understand.
And I totally understand whyother people, even if they
hadn't gone through a difficultchildhood would not want to
kids.
Like it's, it's totallyunderstandable.
I'm not one of those people thatlike, Oh my God, you don't want
kids wrong with you.
(08:48):
But with that said, like, Istill think that it's possible
to have your own life and have akid It's hard, but I do think
it's possible.
Kristy Yee (09:02):
good for those people.
Angie Yu (09:05):
And I don't think it'll be possible for me, but
you're right though.
Like for those first 18 years,especially during the really
important years of the kid, youhave to be there for them.
You have to, because we bothknow what it's like to not have
someone be there for us and howtraumatizing that can be.
And we don't want to do that toour kids.
(09:26):
So maybe I'm wrong.
Kristy Yee (09:29):
Here's the, okay.
I don't think there's right orwrong answers.
I think there's just differentopinions.
Different wants differentvalues.
Here's the kicker.
Aye.
We've been thinking about havingkids
Angie Yu (09:42):
C.
Kristy Yee (09:45):
and, okay.
Let me explain myself a littlebit.
I still stand by all of thosearguments that I had just listed
out, but my ex are expiring.
No, that's not why I so rightnow I'm going through a
depressive phase and I don'twant to say the depression is
(10:06):
making me want to have kids, butit caused a cascade of
philosophical thoughts in myhead as depression does for some
people.
And I was thinking, how, how canI as this one, single human
being in the world, how can Ibest serve my community?
(10:30):
How can I best help society?
How can I change the worldbasically?
And that's a really toughquestion to answer because most
of us are not going to changethe world.
We're not superheroes, but whatwe can do is affect those around
(10:54):
us, our families, our friends,our communities, our jobs, the,
you know, choir that I'm a partof it's in our own little hubs.
And then best way for me toserve the world and to serve
society is by producing a decenthuman being for the next
(11:17):
generation.
And that is the most significantway that I can contribute
something to the world, not justfor the time that I'm alive, but
hopefully the impact will carryon generation after generation.
(11:41):
And this seems really like, Idon't know, not bigotry, but
just like big headed of me.
Thank you.
Oh, this, this specimen that I'mgoing to produce is going to be
like so great.
No, like I'm not going tocreate.
The next superhero I've beenwatching a lot of Marvel.
I can't think of anything overthe Falcon in winter.
(12:04):
Soldier just came out.
Okay.
So, but what I'm saying is thatlike the best way that I can
contribute to the world, notonly within my own hubs, in my
own community yes.
But also to produce something,another person, another human
being that can also contributeto their own hub to their own
community.
And, and, and then it keepsongoing, right?
(12:27):
It, it keeps on giving it's thegift that keeps on giving.
That's basically it, that is whyI've been thinking about
considering the possibility of,of having a parasite
Angie Yu (12:42):
I think that's a really good way to think about
that.
And it's not that you're a bigheaded.
I think a lot of people probablydo feel that way.
Like, yes, we have an ego, but Ithink at the end of the day, a
lot of people just want theworld to be a better place,
Kristy Yee (12:58):
and like how, how, how else can I serve and make
the world a better place?
Like I can't cure climate changeor cancer, you know what I mean?
Maybe my kid can, but thesimplest, but also most valuable
thing that I can give is anotherdecent human being on this
(13:19):
planet.
Angie Yu (13:20):
yeah.
I like that.
I like that a lot.
And I like, you know, a lot ofparents, I think one of the
downsides of Parenthood is a lotof parents fall into the trap.
I don't think they consciouslydo it.
And I don't think they decide tobecome a parent because of this.
But a lot of parents live a lifethat they could have had through
their kids.
Right.
(13:41):
And most of the time it's, youknow, it's not something that
they consciously do, but ithappens.
It's happened to me.
I'm sure it's happened to a lotof other people and it's a lot
of pressure for your kids.
So.
Going into that, going intoParenthood with thinking that
you just want to produce adecent human being.
(14:01):
I think that's a fantastic valuethat you can pass down and
you're right.
The best thing we can do is tryto pass down those good traits
and if we all do itcollectively, we try to pass
down.
Good trace that maybe as acollective humanity will be
better.
Kristy Yee (14:23):
now see, this is, this is the part where Karen's
original question while we justwent on for like fucking 15
minutes and it totally ignoredKaren, but that part where she
asks, what was it like when wehave kids?
What, what kind of shit do youthink our kids are going to keep
(14:43):
from us?
This question in itself isactually super interesting.
Cause I'm just like, I w I wouldlove to just call my own kids
out for trying to keep thingsfrom me.
And they think that they're sosmart, but they're not because I
know what's up.
I would look forward to that.
(15:04):
I think underlyingly, what I ammost afraid of is that they're
going to become little shits,
Angie Yu (15:10):
Oh, yeah.
Kristy Yee (15:11):
like they're not going to become decent human
beings.
And, And, then, and then whatthe fuck was the point of
ripping out my vagina for.
Angie Yu (15:18):
Or your, or your abdomen?
yeah.
And I think I've said that too.
I've said that I actually saidthat to my boyfriend yesterday.
Cause we went to Capilano bridgeand like,
Kristy Yee (15:29):
what stimulates the conversation of procreation?
Angie Yu (15:32):
no, not the vagina ripping.
Kristy Yee (15:34):
No, I met Capilano bridge
Angie Yu (15:37):
well, cause there were a lot of kids there.
And there was this one littlegirl.
Oh, she was so cute.
Like, I have more fun watchingher cross the bridge than I did
crossing the bridge.
Like she was just so fascinatedby the bridge and the swaying.
And she was having so much fun,like seeing how she was.
So excitable makes me go.
Yeah, kids are great.
(15:57):
And then, and then there wasanother kid who's like just
being a total shit head.
And I'm like, Oh, kids are notso great.
And and then I said to him, I'mlike, like it's, it's so
astounding that if you give,like, if you decide to have
children, you can love them.
Like, you will always love them,but you might not like him.
Kristy Yee (16:18):
yeah, but then I, I don't that doesn't sit well with
me though.
Angie Yu (16:23):
Okay.
I,
Kristy Yee (16:24):
Like, I, I wanna, I, want to like my kids.
Angie Yu (16:26):
But you might not, you might.
So
Kristy Yee (16:28):
And that's a, that's a big gamble, man.
That's a big ass gamble.
Cause if I'm going to have kids,like, like I said, this is a
forever thing I had to, I can'tjust be like, I quit peace.
You know?
Like you are obligated for lifeforever until, until you die
too.
And, and it would be nice if Iactually liked the kid, Okay,
(16:51):
I'm going to go back to Karen'squestion.
Cause she said recently she'sbeen kind of noticing that she's
becoming more like her motherthat made me super
uncomfortable.
Not because Karen not becauseKaren, you feel like this, but
because I Christie you feel likethis also, I am seeing a lot of
my own traits or my ownbehaviors mimicking my mother's
(17:14):
traits, which are I don't like,and that makes me afraid that my
kid is only going to pick up allmy shitty traits.
And that also scares me too.
That's a whole other pile ofshit.
Angie Yu (17:27):
I completely agree.
And I think that's a veryrelatable fear because we know
what we inherited from ourparents.
And we all see like, behaviorsthat we are like, fuck, you
know, like I'm my mother orlike, I'm my father.
Right.
and honestly, like, I thinkthat's one of those things where
(17:50):
that's just human nature.
Like the whole reason why wehave kids.
It's, it's the only way toguarantee that our Dean nice
arrives and you know, we're nota Biba, we can just like split
ourselves like cologne, butlike, I think that's like a
very.
Bio like very like innate thingthat we do is because we want to
(18:13):
pass down this like DNA.
But I think that as humanbeings, we can overcome some of
our animalistic traits.
And in that case, I think beingaware of, of the fact that we
have these traits that we mightnot like being aware of, that I
(18:37):
think can help us reduce itssignificance and reduce its
influence on our own children.
Kristy Yee (18:44):
what are some things that you would not want to pass
down to your kid?
Angie Yu (18:48):
Cool dependency.
But I think I had enoughconversations, AKA arguments, AK
fights with my mom, that sherealized that if she wants to
continue being a close friend ofmine in my life, like a close,
like a person who's very presentin my life that she had to make
some changes herself.
(19:10):
So right now my mom and I aregoing through this healing
journey together of unlearningcodependency.
Kristy Yee (19:19):
now, I don't know the biologies of this, I would
think that codependency is moreof a learned trait rather than
like a genetic thing.
I don't know.
Angie Yu (19:35):
maybe it, maybe it's a social adaptation as well.
Like if you are codependent,then there is a higher chance of
survival or something like that.
Like, I'm sure there's lots ofanthropological.
I don't know if that's the rightword to explain all this, but
(19:55):
again, like for me, like, Idon't want to come off.
Like I'm blaming my mom.
We're blaming humanity andanthropology, but I'm just
saying, like, I do think we havesome control over traits that we
don't want to pass down, butagain,
Kristy Yee (20:10):
have a lot of control.
Like this is where I'm like, yo,your fear is you're you're
afraid to pass on codependency.
I think that's a totallylegitimate fear.
I think there is likely somegenetic components to that
because there's, there's scienceto say, you know, trauma can be
passed on from generation togeneration.
So what's there to say likecodependency cannot be right,
(20:33):
but I don't know the biologiesof that.
Now what I am saying is that Ithink codependency also a big
part of it is a learned behaviorbecause you are so aware of this
trait and so aware of theharmful natures that it can be.
For you because you've livedthrough it and you're working on
(20:54):
it and you have identified itwith your mom and you guys are
both working on it together.
That makes you way more equippedthan perhaps other folks who
might not be as aware to teachyour kid to not be codependent.
So it actually makes your kideven less susceptible of
(21:15):
codependency because you know,you've been through it.
Angie Yu (21:19):
Yeah, and I think that's the as decent human
beings, that's the most we cando.
So like all your reservationsabout having a kid, because
you're scared of passing downtraits that are negative.
Like the best you can do isbeing aware of them and try not
to do it.
So I don't think.
Like I totally, what I'm tryingto say is I understand where
(21:39):
you're coming from.
And I think there are waysaround it
Kristy Yee (21:44):
and I'm saying I'm like, you, don't gotta be afraid
of it because you, of allpeople, your kid of all people
would be less susceptible to thecodependency thing.
So it's like, you don't need tobe
Angie Yu (21:55):
you're trying to convince me to have kids
Kristy Yee (21:56):
I'm trying to convince you that you shouldn't
be afraid that your kid is goingto be codependent because they
of all people would be mostlikely less co-dependent
Angie Yu (22:06):
Yeah.
another thing that I havetrepidations for is that like, I
have this not, even a fearanymore.
I think I used to be like, Oh, Ihave all these like mental
problems.
And what if I pass them down tomy kid?
And now that I actuallyunderstand what they are, like
one bipolar is very hereditaryor not very humble.
It is hereditary.
(22:27):
and it's common and familieswith known mental illnesses.
And my mom has severe anxietyissues and my grandma has
depression.
Maybe she's bipolar, who knows.
so this is like something thathas affected the maternal side
with the women.
And I know that if I havechildren, they're very
susceptible to have that too.
(22:48):
So for when I first becamediagnosed, I was like, ah, shit,
this is not good for my kids.
But then I also think about aHey, but now I know how to
manage it.
And it's something that I canteach them.
It's I am now equipped with thattool and how to deal with this
Kristy Yee (23:08):
Nope.
Nope, Nope, Nope.
It's too logical.
I don't like it because thoseare exactly the reasons that I'm
afraid to have kids.
One of the reasons is because Idon't want to be passing on all
this depression and like theanxiety, because both my, my,
both, my parents have some formof their own mental illnesses.
(23:30):
And that's exactly why I don'twant to have kids is because I
don't want to continue to passdown this gene because very
likely they're going to get itas well now.
And then your soup in here anduse all your logic and tell me
that, Oh, you are now betterequipped at teaching your kids
(23:50):
how to do better.
Like
Angie Yu (23:53):
You just gave me the exact advice about codependency.
Kristy Yee (23:56):
Okay.
Hm.
Maybe, but my differentiationwas codependency is less of a
genetic thing and more of alearned behavior.
Whereas mental illness, likehaving depression, that's like a
gene.
That is, that is, that is abiological thing.
Like, I, I can't prevent it fromhappening.
(24:19):
Like if they're going to get thegene, they're going to fucking
get the gene.
I can't, I don't have controlwhether or not it's going to be
a recessive gene, or if it'sgoing to be a dominant is what
it is.
I'm forgetting biology 12.
I, I don't have the ability tocontrol that.
Right.
So I F I feel like the mentalillness, part of it a big chunk
(24:44):
of that is biological.
Whereas the codependency thing,a big chunk of that is learned.
So nature versus nurture.
That's what I'm saying.
So codependency is more of anurture bull thing, and you
having the equipment and thetools, you can nurture your way
out of it.
the nature part of it.
Sure.
What, once you get it, there aremanagement tools, right?
(25:07):
Like you get diabetes, there aremanagement tools.
Right.
But I just don't want them toget it.
Like, I don't want nature toplay that card.
Oh God, this all soundshorrible.
Angie Yu (25:17):
no, it's not horrible.
I think it's a very, very realconcern that a lot of people
have, especially people with agenetic predispositions to
genetic illnesses.
Yeah.
But would you, what would yousay to someone who's like, Oh, I
have diabetes, so I don't wantto have kids and cause I don't
want to give them diabetes
Kristy Yee (25:35):
well, I don't know because I, most of me don't want
to have kids too.
Angie Yu (25:41):
yeah.
And I think like, again, like Ithink some, some people out
there with diabetes or heartdisease, or even severe things
like multiple sclerosis, theymight be like, you know what?
I don't want kids because Idon't want to pass this
suffering to them.
And that's their, that's theirthing.
And it sounds logical.
And I'm saying that for me, amental illness and being bipolar
(26:06):
is not something that's going toprevent me from having kids
because I am learning to manageit.
And it's something that I canteach them how to manage.
So that's my personalexperience.
And if it's an, if for you, theanxiety is around passing them a
genetic trait.
I mean, sorry, like a genetichereditary illness of having a
mental illness, then that'stotally okay too.
(26:28):
so I understand where your fearis coming from and yeah.
It's not something that you cantherapy a way, but I also don't
think codependency is somethingyou can therapy away as well.
I, I think that it takes many,many generations to overcome it.
Kristy Yee (26:46):
What are, what are the other traits that you would
be afraid of passing on?
Angie Yu (26:51):
I don't know.
I D I don't, I don't know, but Ifeel like the only thing you can
and really do is make them moreaware.
I haven't really thought aboutlike, what other traits do I
want to withhold?
Because again, it's like a selffulfilling prophecy, if you're
(27:11):
like, Oh, I
Kristy Yee (27:12):
maybe like, yeah, like it, it might not be serving
us very well if we're just like,here's all the shit that I do
that I don't want my kid to doas well.
Angie Yu (27:22):
And for me,
Kristy Yee (27:23):
probably not very healthy.
Angie Yu (27:24):
What about you?
Like, what are so other than themental illness thing, like, what
are other traits that you'rescared of?
Kristy Yee (27:31):
I just don't want them to be a little piece of
shit.
I just don't want to have thembecome a turd.
And then I hate them.
I think a lot of the things thatI'm afraid of passing on revolve
around the mental illness.
So the diagnosis itself, thedepression, the anxiety, the the
(27:53):
thing I have, I haven't talkedabout this before on the
podcast, and I haven't reallytalked about it with you before
either because I have this angerthing.
Like I sometimes think I needanger management and I also
don't want to pass that on.
And my mom has said it to mebefore.
How, when I'm angry, I remindher of my dad.
(28:16):
Because my dad was a very angryperson, very violent.
And she says that I remind herof him and that, and it scares
her.
Like it brings out actual fearin her, which heightens her
anxiety even more.
Yeah.
Okay.
So I don't want my kid to besome angry, little shithead
Angie Yu (28:44):
right.
Kristy Yee (28:45):
and I wonder if it's, I also wonder if it's,
because I, if I put all of thenegative thoughts that I have
about myself, like I'm like,maybe it's because I think I'm a
little shit head, maybe it'sbecause I think I'm just like
little angry little Asian girl,just balled up with like anger,
(29:05):
frustration and, and depression.
And, and I wonder if it's anegative judgment on myself and
that makes me, like I say thatthat's what I'm afraid of, of
passing onto my kids, but reallyit's just my own negative
reflection of my self.
Angie Yu (29:23):
I was just going to say, it feels like you're
projecting.
Kristy Yee (29:27):
Yes.
That's the word projection.
Angie Yu (29:29):
just gonna
Kristy Yee (29:29):
That's
Angie Yu (29:30):
it sounds like you're projecting onto your kid.
And that's exactly what I mean,when I say like, some parents
don't do it consciously, butthey, they try to live through
their kids or they projectsomething onto their kids.
And the other thing I want tosay is like, like don't beat
yourself up over that becauseyou spent very what are those
(29:52):
called?
Like the very like criticaldevelopment period of your
childhood with your dad.
So you learned this behavior,right?
Again, that's not, I don't thinkanger is a, is a genetic thing,
especially since we learned thatanger is a secondary emotion.
It comes after a more realprimary emotion of being scared
(30:14):
or being irritated or beingfrustrated.
so with that said, if that'ssomething that you're committed
into unlearning so that youdon't pass it to your kid, it's
something that you can work on.
Like you said, maybe you needanger management and that
doesn't mean going to like abootcamp.
I think it just means likejournaling down wiring.
(30:36):
I agree.
Kristy Yee (30:38):
are there bootcamps?
Cause that kind of sounds fun.
Angie Yu (30:41):
I think there are like, I think
Kristy Yee (30:43):
bunch of angry people would get together and
then we sing kumbaya and wethrow axes and trees like break
plates for some very uninvitingmental action,
Angie Yu (30:56):
very
Kristy Yee (30:57):
but
Angie Yu (30:58):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (30:59):
that does sound kind of fun.
Angie Yu (31:00):
I, it seems like our, our debates, like your, your
hesitation comes from both alearned behavior and a natural
behavior, a natural trait.
And for me, it's like, well,there's nothing you can do about
passing down a natural genetictrade.
(31:20):
And am I, am I resentful of mymom or my grandma for having
kids?
Because they pass down theirmental illness?
No, I'm not.
However your kid turns out,that's an awesome thing you can
control.
It's like, again, now you haveto
Kristy Yee (31:36):
wise, genetic wise, everything else as a parent, I
think is your responsibility.
Angie Yu (31:42):
So
Kristy Yee (31:42):
And also we don't know what the fuck we're talking
about.
We don't know if this isactually like how much of the
nurture versus nature in all ofthese things.
Angie Yu (31:51):
Yeah.
Like we're not a parent,
Kristy Yee (31:52):
I don't, well, I mean, we're not also scientists
either.
I don't know how much anger isbased off of nurture.
And I don't know how much ofanger is based off of nature
basically.
And I don't know how muchcodependency is based off of
nurture versus nature, but yeah,
Angie Yu (32:09):
Yeah.
And listeners are, if there areany parents in our poop trip,
which we know a few.
Send us a DM, let us know, like,if there are traits that you're
working on with your children orsome things that maybe you
haven't even thought of we wouldlove to hear from you so
Kristy Yee (32:29):
still haven't answered a
Angie Yu (32:30):
I, was just going to say that.
So just circle back to Karen'squestion about recently, I've
been realizing that I'vebecoming more and more like my
mother, right.
And
Kristy Yee (32:44):
Karen.
You're not alone.
I see see me as my mother moreoften than I want to it's it's
gross.
Angie Yu (32:51):
yeah, same.
Kristy Yee (32:52):
It's very uncomfortable.
Angie Yu (32:53):
I've had this conversation with my mom.
I'm like, mom, do you sometimeswish I was a different kind of
daughter?
And she was just
Kristy Yee (33:00):
That's a really tough question to answer as a
parent.
Imagine if your, your fuckingkid asked you that
Angie Yu (33:07):
well,
Kristy Yee (33:07):
little sister
Angie Yu (33:08):
exactly.
the, and the little shit thing,like I'm not going to lie.
I think I was a little shit, butthere are traits in me that my
mom really liked.
and there are traits in me thatmy mom doesn't like, like.
Does she like me as a person?
Absolutely.
She makes it very clear that sherespects me as a person because
I have my own conviction.
I'm very independent.
are there traits of me that shedoesn't like?
(33:30):
Yeah, because I, because ofthose things that doesn't make
me a very good daughter.
It doesn't make me a good dose.
I'll filial piety,
Kristy Yee (33:38):
or the daughter.
that she wants
Angie Yu (33:40):
It doesn't make me the kind of daughter that Chinese
society wants.
Like, and, and that's somethingthat she thought she wanted and
she feels the same kind of guiltto her parents as well, because
she doesn't think she fulfillsthat role of the perfect Chinese
daughter.
You know what I mean?
Kristy Yee (33:56):
that in itself is like a whole other like lesson
or takeaway is that we can'tjust like put people back into
little boxes because first ofall, you will never be
satisfied.
You, you can't like you can'tput expectations on people and
then expect that to happen.
Right like that, you just can'tdo that.
But we do that in society.
(34:16):
We, we, we want to put ourselvesinto these little boxes.
Right?
We want our kids to be a certainway.
We want our husbands and ourboyfriends and our girlfriends
and our partners to be a certainway.
Right.
And we want that from ourfriends, from our coworkers,
from the, from our projectgroup, project members, we have
these expectations.
And then, and then when theydon't meet those expectations,
(34:37):
then we're like, fuck, fuck you,you little shit.
Angie Yu (34:40):
And that's exactly what I mean, like.
It's okay.
To be scared, but Hey, you can'tcontrol what your kid's going to
turn out to be like, you can tryyour best to teach them values
and teach them principles.
But you can't, you can't controllike you, you have to manage
your expectations with your kidsas well, because they might be a
(35:00):
little, his shit heads.
So back to Karen's question,
Kristy Yee (35:05):
Are we, are we subconsciously avoiding the
Angie Yu (35:08):
I think maybe we are so
Kristy Yee (35:11):
Okay.
So Karen asks, if we have kids,when, and if we have kids, what
do we think our kids would notwant to tell us
Angie Yu (35:21):
yeah.
What are the
Kristy Yee (35:22):
shit that they don't want to tell their moms AKA us.
So we are the moms at our kidsgot some shit they don't,
they're not gonna share.
Angie Yu (35:29):
I mean, I've kept a lot of stuff from my mom, but I
eventually told her pretty mucheverything.
Like how I used to go clubbingguests, super drunk, and then I
would get home.
I'd be puking the next day andshe'd be like, Oh my God, what
happened?
And I'd be like, Oh, I ate somebad sashimi.
then after a few times she'slike,
Kristy Yee (35:48):
you actually think she bought that?
Angie Yu (35:51):
because for a long time she would not eat the
Shamea.
She was like, Nope, Nope.
And then she even said to me,she's like, if you always get
the sick from sashimi, why doyou keep eating it?
Which is kind of funny.
Cause I would say the same thingto my kids.
Like if you keep gettinghangovers, why do you keep
drinking this much?
Right.
But my mom was just be like, whydo you keep eating sashimi?
Kristy Yee (36:11):
I lied a lot and I haven't come clean to like 90%
of that shit.
So I'm going to fully expect mykid to lie a shit ton as well.
I'm hoping that if I ever have akid.
That I would be open enough tohave a conversation where they
(36:35):
can feel a little bit morecomfortable in sharing all the
delinquencies that they dowithout feeling that they are
going to be reprimanded for it.
I feel like my kid will have alot of shit that they don't tell
me, but they're gonna be likelittle tiny stuff.
Like, Oh, I'm going to go sneakout one of my friends.
(36:56):
But I mean, that's how my momwould go into the library, you
know, like dumb shit that Iactually don't care about, but
they're going to lie about itbecause it's part of their
teenage experience.
I'm hoping that anything likebigger things, they will feel
comfortable in sharing with mebecause we would have set that
precedent since the beginning oftime that it's okay to share
about these things that it'sokay to like talk shit.
Angie Yu (37:18):
We have to lead by example.
Like we have to be astransparent as we can be with
them.
Of course, if they're six yearsold and they're like, where do
babies come from?
Then we're going to be a littlebit hesitant on sharing the
truth.
But I think, yeah,
Kristy Yee (37:30):
them.
They're going to learneventually I will probably
square.
Angie Yu (37:36):
yeah, I will probably swear.
I will just be like, that's agrownup word and you can't use
it until you're grown up.
Kristy Yee (37:40):
I'll have to think about
Angie Yu (37:41):
Yeah.
Or like just things like, Ithink if they're 13 and they're
like feeling uncomfortable aboutthemselves or stuff like that, I
think I'll try my best to betransparent because I realized
that.
I had a pretty good, because mymom was pretty like no filter.
And she did, she did like, shewas pretty transparent with me
(38:01):
on most things.
So because of that, it made mefeel like I had a safe space.
Of course she still said a lotof things that made me go really
cringe and usually it's to dowith sex.
And I'm always like, mom, mom,
Kristy Yee (38:15):
I want to be that type of mom that just like
nonchalant talk about theuncomfortable, like talk about
sexy stuff.
Talk about uncomfortable things,embarrass the fuck out of them.
Like, isn't that part of thesmall joys that you get?
Like these are the small joys,right?
So you better believe that I'mgoing to make the most out of
(38:36):
that because there's so muchother shit that comes along with
being a parent.
Angie Yu (38:40):
And that's the fun part.
Like you gotta make it fun foryourself.
You can't just put your own joyon the back of the the back of
whatever
Kristy Yee (38:48):
Yeah.
Create joy in the expense ofyour kids,
Angie Yu (38:53):
well, they stole our joy and the expense of being
alive, the least we can get backfrom them is to create some joy
at their expense.
That's my logic.
Like I'm going to be waking themthem up at like.
You know, when they're teenagersand all they do is sleep till
3:00 PM.
I, you know, I'm going to walkinto their room with pots and
(39:14):
pans and wake them up Like, I'mjust going to do that.
Like I
Kristy Yee (39:19):
your chicken Cleaver.
Angie Yu (39:24):
I'll walk in with a Cleaver, like if you don't get
up,
Kristy Yee (39:26):
We've written a walk
Angie Yu (39:28):
boom, boom, boom.
Kristy Yee (39:29):
I think the most fearful version would be if my
kids just don't tell meanything,
Angie Yu (39:34):
I think that's a very real fear and I'm sure this is
what a lot of people have, likerelate to.
And again, like, again, it's outof our control and there's, we
can't control our kids.
We can't force them to tell herstuff.
we can't force them to tell ustheir stuff.
Like the only thing we can do islike, it a safe space.
Like my friend one of myfriends.
(39:55):
She was such a good Kish and Inever got drunk.
She was just like a greatdaughter.
And I remember we all went outclubbing ones and her mom like
encouraged her to have fun.
And she got really drunk.
We got her really drunk.
She came home, she was pukingthe whole time.
She puked on her carpet and allher mom did was laugh and make
(40:17):
her clean it up.
The next
Kristy Yee (40:18):
ah, I love it.
Angie Yu (40:20):
her mom laughed, helped her a little bit with the
cleanup and was like, yeah, nowyou've learned your lesson.
Like S you know, like you justhave to give them that safe
space to let them learn thingson their own.
And if they fuck up, the onlything we can do is be there for
them and try to try to be a goodmom.
I think being a good mom doesn'tmean that we try to make them as
perfect of a person.
(40:41):
I think being a good mom justmeans like, Hey, I'm here for
you.
I'm here for your emotionalsupport, financial support until
some point.
And yeah.
Kristy Yee (40:51):
I think trying to make your kid, the perfect
person makes you a bad parent.
Angie Yu (41:00):
yes, absolutely agree
Kristy Yee (41:03):
Your mom, your friend's mom sounds super dope.
I had a friend who also had areally cool mom back in the
clubbing days.
And she would, she would driveus to the clubs in this, like
their family van, which is likea big white van.
(41:24):
That's great.
And then we would get her todrop us off, like a couple
blocks away from the club venue.
Cause it's embarrassing to haveyour mom drive you.
Right.
And then we would like be predrinking at the back seat of
this van.
Then we go clubbing and then,then we get super wasted and
then one will come back and pickus up in her weight bed again,
(41:46):
and then drop us all offindividually at all of our
houses.
Angie Yu (41:50):
I love that.
because I think that's a lotbetter than like, where are you
getting home?
When are you getting home andjust worrying about their
safety?
But I guess to bring it back toKaren's question for me, it's
like, you know what, I don'tknow what they're not going to
tell me.
And I don't know if they'regoing to tell me something and
there's nothing that Ispecifically scares me about
(42:13):
what they're not going to tellme as a mom.
The best thing I can do isprovide a safe space for them
and to communicate enough sothat I trust that they'll make
the right decision.
And if I trust them, thenthey'll trust that if they make
a mistake, I'll be there tosupport and not borate.
Kristy Yee (42:30):
And for me, my perfect little scenario is there
just.
They might lie about some dumbshit that I actually don't give
a fuck about and that I willactually know what it is.
And I'll just laugh about it,you know, in the, in the kitchen
with my Murlow or some shit atmy marble countertops, that's
(42:53):
the, that's the fantasy version.
And then the, the scary versionis they just don't talk to me at
all.
Oh,
Angie Yu (43:00):
And you're drinking boxed wine on your vinyl
countertop.
Kristy Yee (43:04):
no hay for box wine.
Sometimes you just need boxwine.
Okay.
Angie Yu (43:15):
So speaking of box wine, I think right now would be
a great time to slide one of ourfeel good feedbacks from one of
our listeners.
So this comment here is fromTamara and Tamara said, hello.
I just wanted to say that Ilistened to your most recent
episode, and I really liked it alot.
I'm on the ACE spectrum.
So sex and sexuality have alwaysbeen kind of a weird subject for
(43:37):
me in some different and somevery similar ways.
And hearing you guys talk aboutus.
So frankly was reallyrefreshing.
Smiley face.
also.
I hope you're enjoying 30.
It's my favorite year so far.
And congratulations on your win.
For those who are not familiar,the ACE spectrum is with regards
to the asexuality spectrum.
(43:57):
And this is a topic that Iabsolutely am no expert in.
All I can say really.
As someone who's, you know,heterosexual and cisgender is
that sexuality is dynamic.
It's not something that'sconcrete.
And I just hope that as asociety, we can embrace all
different types of sexuality andreally dismantle the idea that
(44:19):
sexuality is a two-prong thing.
Thank you again, Tamara, forsharing that openly with us, it
might not always be easy andhopefully we can have more
conversations on our platformAnd if you would like to leave
us a comment or give us somefeedback.
Please slide into our DMS, sendus an email or leave us an audio
message.
The last one is available viathe link in our show notes.
(44:42):
We would love to hear from you.
And if you do leave a audiomessage for us, we would love to
insert it into one of ourepisodes, much like how this
episode is based on Karen'squestions.
All right now let's go back tothe episode
Kristy Yee (45:00):
Okay.
Here's okay to wrap up thisepisode, we're going to answer a
Karen's first question and wesaved this one for last, because
it's an easy one.
What is your Myers-Briggspersonality type?
I actually do this every year.
Angie Yu (45:12):
Oh
Kristy Yee (45:13):
a breakdown almost every year and I do it with my
boyfriend and then we compare itto see like first of all, have
we changed?
and the kind of like, learn moreabout each other so that we can
be more understanding andcompatible with the other
person.
Angie Yu (45:26):
I like that.
Kristy Yee (45:27):
And I wish I would teach you.
so my latest Myers-Brigg is I aman E N F P dash T.
So an ENF P
Angie Yu (45:38):
And what's your boyfriend
Kristy Yee (45:39):
Oh, I don't remember
Angie Yu (45:43):
who cares?
Kristy Yee (45:43):
it's about me.
Okay.
It's always about me and how hecan modify his behavior to Sue
tomorrow.
Angie Yu (45:53):
so do you know what the T stands for?
Kristy Yee (45:54):
there's either an a or a T and I don't, I don't
actually quite remember.
It's an.
A new sub
Angie Yu (46:00):
Yeah.
So I'm also an E N F P, but I'man E N F P a.
Kristy Yee (46:08):
Ah,
Angie Yu (46:09):
same.
You're T and I'm a,
Kristy Yee (46:11):
interesting.
Okay.
Now we kind of have to, okay.
Let me just Google this a versusT assertive versus turbulent.
Angie Yu (46:20):
Oh,
Kristy Yee (46:21):
Oh fuck.
I have to complete a fuckingsecurity check and click off all
the pictures that contain aboat.
So assertive personality is thecalm in the storm.
Angie Yu (46:31):
no, that can't be right.
Maybe I am also T
Kristy Yee (46:34):
A sort of a sort of individuals are self-assured
even tempered and resistant tostress
Angie Yu (46:40):
okay.
That's not me.
What the
Kristy Yee (46:42):
don't worry too much.
Angie Yu (46:47):
came?
I must've remembered wrong.
Kristy Yee (46:48):
they're unlikely to spend a lot of time thinking
about their past actions orchoices.
Anyways, I'm just gonna scrolldown.
Okay.
turbulent.
This is their subtitle.
Okay.
Power of stress.
Activate turbulent individualsare success driven,
perfectionistic and eager toimprove.
There are always trying tocounter balance their
self-doubts by achieving more.
(47:09):
That is definitely me
Angie Yu (47:11):
okay.
Maybe I'm
Kristy Yee (47:12):
as, just as they push themselves to become better
they're as likely to push theirprojects or efforts in the same
direction.
Turbulent personalities tend tonotice little problems and often
do something about them beforethey become larger ones.
Angie Yu (47:28):
Yeah.
Okay.
That's not me either.
Maybe, maybe I'll do mine rightnow.
And with the magic ofpost-production right away.
I'll tell you guys what I am
Kristy Yee (47:39):
let's find out in one second.
Maybe I should do mine again.
I haven't done my 20, 21.
We're we're gonna, we're goingto do this together.
Live on
Angie Yu (47:47):
And you'll find out in one second.
Okay, so that one second is up.
Kristy Yee (47:55):
so first of all, Well, let's, let's go back
again.
What were you before and whatare you now?
Angie Yu (48:01):
So I was ENF P before, and I can't remember if it was
AA or a T assertive orturbulent.
What about you?
Kristy Yee (48:09):
I was Ian F P and I was turbulent.
Angie Yu (48:14):
Okay.
So I am still at UNFP and I amturbulent and I have a feeling I
was also turbulent before.
Cause I sort of just did notsound like me, but then
turbulent also didn't sound likeme.
So I don't know
Kristy Yee (48:27):
So mine changed, which is actually not surprising
because I mentioned I do thisevery year.
I actually switched between backand forth between Ian F P and
ENF J so in 2021, I E F J.
Angie Yu (48:44):
Interesting So what was the last time you switched?
Kristy Yee (48:49):
good question.
And I have this ready, uh, 20.
I know, cause I, I save all ofmy 16 personalities.
Oops.
I save all of my Myers-Briggs,but spoiler, I use 16
personalities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We are not sponsored.
Although 16 personalities.
(49:09):
You're welcome to sponsor us.
Angie Yu (49:11):
Yes.
Kristy Yee (49:11):
the last time I was an ENF, J dash T was 2019.
Angie Yu (49:18):
Oh, interesting.
Kristy Yee (49:19):
I was ENF J 2020.
I was ENF P and now 2021.
I am Ian F J again,
Angie Yu (49:26):
Interesting.
And I like that.
You're like I have this on handready to go.
Cause that's very T of you.
So I have been ENF P for quitesome time now.
And I think the last time I wasENF J was in university.
Kristy Yee (49:40):
Hmm.
Angie Yu (49:42):
And I don't quite know what happened, but I think that
living abroad definitely changedme quite a bit changed my
perception of things, which kindof makes sense because I'm
prospecting, the tray reflectsour approach to work planning
and decision-making really okay.
(50:07):
Yeah.
Prospecting individuals are verygood at improvising and spotting
opportunities.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I would say I'm more of animproviser.
Kristy Yee (50:15):
here's another example between J versus P is J
yay.
These are some of the statementsI would, would apply to folks
who identify as Jay is.
I like to have things decided Iappear to be task oriented.
I'd like to make lists of thingsto do I giggle because I am the
(50:37):
list-maker of the group.
I like to get my work donebefore playing I plan work to
avoid rushing just before adeadline.
And sometimes I focus so much ona goal that I miss new
information.
So that's what Jay identifieswith.
And then PS, PS.
Are I like to stay open andrespond to whatever happens.
(50:58):
I appear to be loose and casual.
I like to keep plans to aminimum.
I like to approach work as playor mix both work and play.
I work in bursts of energy.
I am stimulated by anapproaching deadline and
sometimes I stay open to newinformation so long.
I miss making decisions whenthey are needed.
Angie Yu (51:18):
Yeah, that
Kristy Yee (51:19):
I feel like you're definitely more P than
Angie Yu (51:22):
And maybe the reason why I used to be ENF J is
because answering the questions,I was probably a lot more
organized with schoolwork.
And I think because that's how Ilearned to study, but in terms
of actual work now in the reallife, I'm definitely more Yolo,
which is not always a goodthing.
(51:42):
I think there's pros and cons toboth.
Kristy Yee (51:44):
What's interesting is, you know, how, in the past,
in like previous episodes, wetalked about astrology.
We talked about Myers-Briggs.
We talked about all thesepersonality tests and how we, we
select the answers that webelieve we are.
So I will pick all the Ravenclaw answers because I want to
(52:06):
be in Raven claw.
Right.
Like whether that is a consciousor subconscious thing, we do
that self fulfilling prophecy,man.
That's like a theme with, wheream I going with this?
You asked me if I'm introvertedor extroverted, what percentage?
Because I keep saying I am moreintroverted than people think I
(52:26):
am this test in 2021.
I am the least extrovertedcompared to all of my other test
results.
Angie Yu (52:35):
So when you, okay, so first of all, you mentioned
astrology, so it made my eyes,
Kristy Yee (52:41):
And then your heart pounded.
then your palms start
Angie Yu (52:43):
sweat.
and then mom's spaghetti.
Kristy Yee (52:50):
We have talked everything from our perspective
of kids and how that has changedand what we would be like as
parents and what our fears areas parents, our fantasy version
of having kids and our scaryversion of having kids.
And then we went all the way toMyers-Briggs and relationships.
(53:11):
This is a mish-mash.
Thank you, Karen.
Again
Angie Yu (53:15):
Yes.
Kristy Yee (53:15):
I think peace out.
Angie Yu (53:17):
Okay.
(53:45):
All right now, let's go back tothe episode.
All right now, let's go back tothe episode.
All right now let's go back tothe episode
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