27. Our Shit: Suicide Ideations and the Depression Roller Coaster

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristy Yee (00:00):
Before we start this episode.
Major content morning, becausewe're going to be talking about
suicide specifically.
My Christie.
Christie's mys my suicidespecifically.
my thoughts, not my thoughts onsuicide, me being suicidal.
This is what this episode isabout.

(00:20):
So major content warning here.

Angie Yu (00:26):
Okay.
Microphone, me careful.
I am.
My name is.

Kristy Yee (00:31):
I'm going to keep touching my nose today

Angie Yu (00:34):
Okay.

Kristy Yee (00:34):
because it's itchy.

Angie Yu (00:36):
oh, allergies.

Kristy Yee (00:37):
I think it's because I have this like wisp of bangs
and they just fall, it justtouch.
They just gently graze my noseenough to tickle it.
So I keep touching it and themore I touch it, the more itchy
it gets.

Angie Yu (00:53):
Do you not have a Bobby

Kristy Yee (00:54):
I do.
I do.
But now it's too late.
Now I'm tethered to thismicrophone and I've committed.

Angie Yu (01:02):
Okay.

(01:28):
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom this is Angie.

Kristy Yee (01:32):
is Kristy

Angie Yu (01:33):
Hello?
Hello.
Hello.
For those of you who havelistened to episode 25.
thank you.
We are starting a, series calledour shit where Kristy and I are
going to talk about our shit ourday to day, our struggles, our
triumphs with our mentalillnesses.
You know, at the more, notminuscule, but at the more, you

(01:56):
know, what

Ep 27 Angie - June 2021 (01:57):
is

Angie Yu (01:57):
that like?

Kristy Yee (01:57):
Day to day.

Angie Yu (02:02):
like, you know what I mean?
Like, it's, it's more likepractical, practical, like yeah.
Day to day more practical,discussions of how we're doing
in our mental health journeys.
Because, you know, we talkedabout our kind of the start to
our origin stories and stufflike that.
Back in like episode two,episode three, five, six, we
touched upon it in episode nine.

(02:23):
So essentially we just want tocontinue the conversation, the
discussion about what it is liketo live with depression,
anxiety, bipolar, et cetera.

Kristy Yee (02:33):
Also, if you are the type of poop troop who likes to
hear other people's stories thenyou can just straight up jump to
the episodes that doesn't havethe word, our shit in the title.

Angie Yu (02:43):
There you go.
So with that said, we will starttoday's episode with an update
from Christie,

Kristy Yee (02:49):
and then you leave it open for me.

Angie Yu (02:55):
just passing the buck.
No, I'm just kidding.
So, so Christie has been goingthrough some stuff and it's
been, I dunno, I don't, I don'twant to describe it for you,

Kristy Yee (03:07):
I can, I can take the bucket.

Angie Yu (03:08):
okay.
Okay.

Kristy Yee (03:09):
It was that yeah.
Bucket.
That's what you

Angie Yu (03:10):
No.
I said, buck, pass the buck.

Kristy Yee (03:13):
What's the buck like a dollar like a moose

Angie Yu (03:17):
Pass the buck.
It's like a phrase.

Kristy Yee (03:19):
but you're going to pass me.
The moose is his bucket.

Angie Yu (03:22):
No, I'm gonna pass the buck.
Hold on, hold on.

Kristy Yee (03:27):
The loony, you're going to give me the loony.

Angie Yu (03:30):
So pass the buck is a shift.
So shifting the responsibilityfor something to someone else.

Kristy Yee (03:36):
Yeah, it is.
I have the buck now.
So some updates for everyone.
and some folks might notice aswell, because I did share a
little bit on my Instagram atthe beginning of this journey.
And then I have since not reallybeen on any social media my
depression has relapsed in thelast couple of months in the

(03:57):
last couple of months.
You know what a time is, justwhatever now.
but it's been around two monthssince I noticed my depression
coming back.
And what was different about it?
This time was a lot of myregular management skills, like
meditating, journaling, thatstuff, it wasn't working.

(04:18):
I was so disinterested in doingany of that.
And I noticed I was behaving alot more obsessive towards
certain things and it wasdistracting me from work.
Like I was just, I, I, my heartand my mind.
Was not in it at all.
So I have since taken time offwork to try to figure out what

(04:40):
this new depression territoryis, because it was getting scary
when all of my tools andresources didn't work and it
felt like I was starting allover again.
I didn't know where thisdepression was taking me.
So I took time off work so I canfigure some of this shit out and

(05:02):
try different resources and getsome support.
So I've been seeing a socialworker because they were the
cheapest form of therapy,basically.
And at first it's, it's alwaysdifficult because anytime you
work with any new healthcareprofessional, you have to build
rapport and trust.
And that takes at least a fewsessions and you kind of have to

(05:23):
feel them out and.
You talk about a lot of surfacelevel stuff that you think is
the problem, but it isn'tactually the problem.
So I talked a lot about myobsession with the hunger games,
because

Angie Yu (05:38):
I love this part of the story.

Kristy Yee (05:40):
this is when it gets real.
Okay.
So how does all start?
Okay.
I'm going to backtrack a bit.
How did all this start?
Where did the depression comefrom?
When did I start noticing it?
I noticed it when I was onvacation, which I thought was
very strange, but in hindsightit makes sense.

(06:01):
And I S I took basically a weekoff and for the first half of
the week, everything was great.
I was decompressing.
I felt good.
I did a little staycation thingby myself.
And then right in the middle ofit, I.
Discovered hunger games.
And I'm not saying hunger gamestriggered anything, but I
basically, when I read the firstbook, I didn't stop reading at

(06:24):
all.
So I spent a whole day readingthe first book, and then I got
really upset from 12 o'clockmidnight all the way till the
next day 8:00 AM, because theydidn't have the second book.
Like I cry.

Angie Yu (06:38):
Oh, no, I didn't know that part.
So the, so the one thing that Ithought was really funny is this
happened when you were stayingat an Airbnb locally, a local
Airbnb to kind of give yourselfthat space that you might not
have when you're at home.
Cause he lived with your mom.
Right.
So that's totallyunderstandable.

(06:58):
And then you found this, likeyou literally discovered a book
in the Airbnb hunger games.
The first one.

Kristy Yee (07:04):
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know how like decorativebooks is a thing now.
Right?
So this Airbnb host, they tookthe hunger games book and they
like wrapped it in this brownpaper bag, cover thing.
And then they use it as adecorative piece on their shelf.
Okay.
So it's not even a book.
It's not even like welcome readmy books.

(07:25):
It's like, this is a piece ofartwork and I'm just going to
cover it up.
I'm going to get a cover thefact that this is a hunger games
book and then use it as adecorative piece.
And

Angie Yu (07:33):
of makes me sad, but okay.

Kristy Yee (07:36):
so here I was, I was on my last day of the Airbnb.
So I was going to check out thenext morning.
And I had zero plans.
I woke up early, made somecoffee, you know, it was going
to just chill and feel good.
And as I was waiting for thecoffee to brew fun fact, I don't
drink coffee.
I only drink coffee when I'm onvacation.
I mean, when I was waiting forthe coffee to brew, I noticed

(08:00):
the brown paper bag book on theshelf, and I was curious, so I
go over, I take the book and athing that I do with all books
and some movies is I don't readthe synopsis.
I just like to dive right into abook I love it.
I find the experience so muchmore immersing.
Because I don't know where I,whatever, I don't know where I

(08:21):
am, what year I'm in, if I'm youknow, if, if this person is like
a 30 year old or a seven yearold, like I have no idea.
Right.
And it's so great to discoverthat as you read anyway, so I
read like the first chapter, andthen I realized it's the hunger
games, even though I don't knowanything about the hunger games,

Angie Yu (08:39):
oh, that's how, yeah.
When you told me that, like youdidn't realize it was the hunger
games until after the firstchapter, I'm like, but that
title, and now that you'retelling me it was wrapped in
brown paper.
Oh, okay.
That's how you didn't know.

Kristy Yee (08:51):
Yes.
So it was just like thisanonymous, mysterious book.
I expected some like yellowingbook from 1964.
but it wasn't, it was like a2008 novel in this

Angie Yu (09:05):
one of the most popular series lately.
Yeah.

Kristy Yee (09:08):
So I figure, you know, what, I have nothing to do
for the day.
Well, let me just like read itbecause it's getting kind of
interesting and then fastforward, I read the whole thing.
I finished it.
I took multiple baths I hung outon the roof.
Like I had a good day.
Okay.
I had a good, good day.
And then when I finished it, Iwas so upset because I didn't
have the second book with me.

(09:29):
And then I got into this weird,weird phase where I started
thinking about all my exes andthen I, and then I started
crying.
And then the next day when Ichecked out, the first thing
that I did in the morning was,oh, here's another background
thing.
When I'm on vacation, I don'ttouch my phone.
In fact, I put it in the closet.
I allow myself if I need to.

(09:49):
If I think about it, I'm like,okay, I have to like go to the
closet and like open up thedrawer.
And I'm like, Nah I don'tactually need it.
So I give myself that space tobe mindful and question if I
actually need my phone or not,because usually we do it so
automatically.
So when I'm on vacation, I letmyself ask, do I need it?
And usually I don't.

Angie Yu (10:07):
That's actually, that's actually cool.
It's a good way to disconnect.

Kristy Yee (10:10):
Yeah, exactly.
Exactly.
I'm not like locked bringing itup and throwing it away.
The key, you know, like I don'twant to force it, but I just
want to give myself theopportunity to say, do you
actually want it anyways, that'sa side note now.
When I woke up in the morning.
Oh, you betcha.
I went on my phone, let me openup this drawer.

(10:33):
I'm like, where's my phone intomy bag.

Angie Yu (10:35):
open up the hunger games, Wiki, and then you just

Kristy Yee (10:38):
Well, I went to my library app to see where the
next copy of the book is so thatI can check out of this Airbnb
immediately and drive myself towhichever library branch.
It is anywhere in the city.
So I can pick up, said book.
Now I found it, of course, butthe library didn't open until 11

(11:02):
and this is eight o'clock in themorning.

Angie Yu (11:04):
oh my God.

Kristy Yee (11:05):
what am I to do?
What, what is the one to do?
So then I Googled and I foundthe e book.

Angie Yu (11:13):
oh my God, because you couldn't wait three hours.

Kristy Yee (11:16):
of course not.
No.
Okay.
I need to know what happens.
So I basically, I read the ebookup until I arrived at the
library so I can hold thephysical copy.
I literally went from reading itoff of my phone until I have the
tangible book in my hand.
And then I swapped it over.

(11:38):
Anyways, so that was a reallylong story about my obsession
with the hunger games, but I'mgoing to just like speed up a
little bit because I ended upreading all three books in two
days and then I went out and Ibought the new prequel that came
out and I read that.
And then once the story wasover, what the fuck do I do with
the rest of my life?
Right.
So then I re-read the wholeseries again.

(12:00):
And I did this three times

Angie Yu (12:02):
Holy shit.

Kristy Yee (12:03):
cause I couldn't let go.
Of this story,

Angie Yu (12:05):
Three times you read it three times within the span
of how long

Kristy Yee (12:09):
like a week and a half, maybe, maybe two weeks.

Angie Yu (12:13):
did you eat?
Did you sleep?

Kristy Yee (12:15):
Here's the thing I did all of those things while
reading.
When I wake up, the first thingI do is I open my book and I
read, and then I will get outfrom my bed and I will hold the
book as I get out.
And then I, with one hand, I'mholding the book with the other
hand, I'm like making my bed andthen I walk into my bathroom and
then I start brushing my teeth,trust me, squeezing out

(12:36):
toothpaste, and then making sureyour toothbrush is balanced.
And doesn't flip over with onehand is it's difficult, man.
It's difficult, but that's whatI did every single morning and
night, because my other hand isholding the fucking book.
And I will do this when I'mcooking, so needless to say, I
was very distracted and Icouldn't work properly,

Angie Yu (12:55):
You are like obsessed.
You are like addicted.
Like there it's one thing to belike, oh, I can not put down
this book.
Like when people say, oh, thisbook is so good, I couldn't put
it down.
Like, it's an exaggerationbecause I don't know.
You've got to put it down whenyou're eating, got to put it
down when you're sleeping orbrushing your teeth, but

Kristy Yee (13:12):
A PM poo with it, everything.
That's how, that's why I read itso quickly.
Okay.

Angie Yu (13:17):
because you were literally addicted to it because
it was an escape from reality

Kristy Yee (13:22):
exactly, because I didn't want to be in the world
that I was in and the hungergames world was the only place
that wasn't about me in my head,because I didn't want to live in
my own world.

Angie Yu (13:38):
And when did you realize that?

Kristy Yee (13:40):
When my therapist asked me and the answer just
came out that I didn't want tobe in my own reality.
And that the only way for me tolive and breathe and stay alive
was to be in another world.
Otherwise I didn't want it tobe.
here.
And then I know the nextquestion is like, well, what

(14:00):
happened afterwards?
How did you get out?
Like, I don't really know.
Maybe watching the moviespropelled that a little bit, but
a lot of times I just don't knowhow or why I mean, eventually
it, it dissipated it faded and,and my obsession went to

(14:22):
something else.
I started to watch a lot of hwhich is a different form of
escape

Angie Yu (14:29):
hentai as in like porn,

Kristy Yee (14:31):
porn,

Angie Yu (14:32):
like animate porn.
Oh,

Kristy Yee (14:35):
Yeah.

Angie Yu (14:36):
okay.

Kristy Yee (14:36):
So it wasn't as obsessive as the hunger games.
So I wasn't like watching pornall the waking time, but it
would be in the morning and atnight and it'd be hours

Angie Yu (14:49):
wow.

Kristy Yee (14:50):
like three, four hours.

Angie Yu (14:52):
And where are you still working at this point?
I can't remember.

Kristy Yee (14:55):
I can't remember.
because it's kind of a blur, butit was either I just started to
take time off or I was justabout to take time off.
I feel like it's, it's theformer, because there's was.
Yeah, because what I remember, Iwas still in the hunger games
zone when I was asking for timeoff work.

(15:16):
Yeah.
So it must have been like, yes,yes, yes.
It's all coming together so itwas during the hunger games
phase, I started therapy andthen I took time off work
because I couldn't function.
I couldn't think of anythingelse.
Besides the hunger games,

Angie Yu (15:32):
yeah, that's an addiction.
It's like everyone it's likewhen people are addicted to
like, I don't know, crack andthey're like, when's my next
hit.
When's my next hit.
And they're always constantlythinking about getting their
next hit and the hunger game wasyour crack.

Kristy Yee (15:45):
I was like, So, okay.
So after I finished the booksright, and watched all the
movies and then read all thebooks again and again, I would
just go online and I would justread quotes from the book.
And there are websites out therethat will list all of top quotes
from your favorite characters.

(16:07):
And I would read them over andover and over and over again,
mostly PETA's quotes.

Angie Yu (16:15):
Yeah.
So you can bring that yourversion of Peeta back to life in
your head and erase the versionthat you saw in the movies.

Kristy Yee (16:22):
That is precisely the reason.

Angie Yu (16:24):
Yeah.
So like like I totallyunderstand.
I can sympathize with whatyou're going through, because it
is, it is quite scary to haveyour entire life revolve around
this thing.
That's very external.
And I remember mentioning beforethat, when I went through uh,
uh, my like big depression timeoff from work and just not

(16:46):
wanting to be here anymore, itwas what kind of made me
realize, like, I can totally seewhy addiction is a mental health
thing.
And some people get addicted todrugs.
Some people get addicted toalcohol.
Some people get addicted toHungary, the games.
And it also happens that drugsand alcohol are much, much
harder to wean off.
and reading, if anything is, istouted as something that's like

(17:09):
positive.
Right.
So, yeah, like it does soundlike you are absolutely really
just your head was completelyclearly in this.
And it must've been really hardto kind of step back and be
like, okay, what am I doing?

Kristy Yee (17:21):
it was really scary because when I was in it, I
couldn't tell if it's, like yousaid, I love this book so much.
I can put it down and there aredefinitely a lot of huge, huge
fandoms out there for hungergames, as well as for any other
large franchise, like HarryPotter and et cetera.
And I couldn't tell if it wasjust because like, I really

(17:43):
enjoy the series or if it's amanifestation of something else
going on as well.

Angie Yu (17:48):
it's probably both, but probably more of the latter.

Kristy Yee (17:51):
Yeah.
And, and I didn't know.
And that's what made it scarywas I couldn't tell if it's
like, oh, I just really lovethese books or you, oh, I should
probably take some time off andlike talk to somebody about
this.

Angie Yu (18:04):
right.
It was also because it felt likeyou didn't have control over
this behavior.
Like your, your emotions were,were guiding, guiding your
behavior.

Kristy Yee (18:13):
There was like nothing else that I wanted to do
besides be immersed in anythinghunger games related and then.
Afterwards, my next obsessionwas the hentai and the porn that
gave me something completelydifferent.
It wasn't okay.
Hunger games.
It's not like I want it to livein that world.

(18:33):
Okay.
It's pretty fucked up, but itwas the, world's not of my own.
Right.
And that's why I wanted to go inthere.
Plus it is a good book and it'sgood franchise.
I enjoy it.
Okay.
So I am now a hunger games fan.

Angie Yu (18:46):
no, I like convince my boyfriend to watch hunger games
at the beach.
and he was kind of like, he waskind of like, oh, like, I don't
really want to, I'm like, youknow what the concept is that
there, they all have to killeach other.
You love that shit.
And he's like, okay.
But he actually like, got reallyinto it.
He's like, yeah, like he's like,I knew that there was going to
be a lot of killing, but therewas like, actually like a lot of

(19:06):
killing and there were like, Iwas like, yeah, there's monsters
too.
And he's like, yeah, the, it gotreally political and that was
kind of cool.
Like I didn't expect that tohappen.
Yeah.
Anyway, so it is a good seriesand it's not just for teenage
girls.

Kristy Yee (19:18):
Yup.
I

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021 (19:19):
must

Kristy Yee (19:19):
say I also got my boyfriend to watch it and he did
watch most of the movies whenthey came out and he was like,
ma right.
but he was willing to watch thembecause I was in this fucking
hunger games.
Crazy.
So, so yeah,

Angie Yu (19:31):
Oh, that's nice.

Kristy Yee (19:33):
we watched them like, back-to-back not in a full
day because to breathe.
So thank God for that.

Angie Yu (19:41):
to reality.

Kristy Yee (19:44):
But we would watch, like, there would be a day where
we watched two back to back andthen like, you know, the next
time we get together, we willwatch the next one.
And the next one.
So we watched them fairly

Angie Yu (19:54):
They're only,

Kristy Yee (19:55):
There's four movies.
So he enjoyed them so much morewatching them.
Back to back because he is moreinvested in these characters.
He, he remembers the story.
Whereas for someone who did notread the book and you watch
these movies, and there werelike a few years apart, you're
like, what the fuck?

(20:15):
You know?

Angie Yu (20:16):
Yeah.
Yeah.

Kristy Yee (20:17):
Yeah.
Anyways, that was just usselling hunger games.
When I got into the porn phase,I felt like it was, I felt like,
I don't know what chemicals,maybe it was dopamine or
oxytocin or whatever it was thatI was seriously lacking.
That's what porn was giving meeither through the actual
physical, like masturbation partof it, because, you know, you

(20:41):
release a lot of feel, goodstuff.
But also in, in the act ofwatching it.
So when I watch hentai, or if Iwatch any sort of porn, I like
story.
I like character development asas much.
And although it's not

Angie Yu (21:04):
I totally get this.
We like talked about this in oneof the sexuality episodes too,
is because there's a lot ofemotional aspects, especially
for women when it comes to likeanything sex related.
So if you're emotionallyinvested in this plot, Then,
like, you know, it's better.
Yeah.

Kristy Yee (21:20):
exactly, I need to know why there are banging each
other, you know, I need to know,I need to know how it led up to
them, fucking the shit out ofeach other.
I need

Angie Yu (21:35):
because you also want to know that they're actually
enjoying it and not just becausethey're trying to make a buck.

Kristy Yee (21:40):
Yeah.

Angie Yu (21:41):
Yeah.
Or, you know, thousands ofbucks.
I don't know how much they getpaid, but I'm sure they get
paid.
Well, I think, I don't know.
Anyway.

Kristy Yee (21:48):
but I mean, like with hen it's drawn, so, you
know, but yes, in the, in the

Angie Yu (21:57):
I want to know that they're enjoying it.
You still want to know thecharacters are enjoying
themselves.
Yes.

Kristy Yee (22:02):
So I, I felt like with the hunger games, I just
wanted to be in another worldbecause I was severely, severely
depressed that I didn't want tobe in my own world.
And then with porn, it wasgiving me a lot of these
hormones.
and stimulating, I don't knowthe transmission of neuro

(22:22):
transmit transmission oftransmitters.

Angie Yu (22:25):
released.
Yeah.
The release of these goodhormones.

Kristy Yee (22:29):
And that was my dose of being able to get that.
So it was like drugs for me.

Angie Yu (22:33):
Yep.
Yep.
How did you feel about it after,

Kristy Yee (22:37):
like after that phase or after watching porn?

Angie Yu (22:40):
after watching porn?

Kristy Yee (22:41):
Oh, well, mostly I felt really groggy and not just
because I just masturbated like,you know, three, four times, but
because I just spent three, fourhours in bed, like staring at a
screen

Angie Yu (22:58):
Yeah.
Yeah,

Kristy Yee (22:59):
and sometimes this will happen in the middle of the
night.
So it'd be like three, fouro'clock in the morning.

Angie Yu (23:05):
It's not like you actually had a lot of energy and
you were producing these feelgood hormones herself.
It was like a last resort tokind of generate some good
hormones in your brain using anexternal method.
So it's not like you would feelsuper energized after if
anything, your body would belike, okay, that was the maximum
amount of good hormones I'm ableto produce for you.

(23:27):
Now let me, bleh

Kristy Yee (23:30):
Yeah, exactly.
And like, even if it wasimportant, even if it wasn't
anything, if you stay up tillthe wee hours of the morning,
you're going to feel prettylethargic and dis you know,
does,

Angie Yu (23:44):
unless you have bipolar.

Kristy Yee (23:46):
And then I also felt like, why, why do I need this?
Why am I doing this?
There's nothing against bore onhentai.
But this is not the rate Iusually consume.

Angie Yu (24:04):
it's not healthy.

Kristy Yee (24:04):
And I didn't realize at the time that I was doing
this for those hits of hormonesand neurotransmitters, I was
just really confused.
It was just another layer ofconfusion that I already had.
I was already confused with likethe hunger games situation.
I was confused as to where mydepression was taking me because

(24:27):
I started having thoughts of notwanting to be in this world,
which led me to suicidalideations.
That was really fucking scary.
And then this whole porn thing,like there was just all these
things that were happening and Ihad no.
Answers to.
And even though I allowed myselfto just, okay, let's just see

(24:48):
where this goes.
As long as you have supportpeople around you let's just see
how this plays out.
I allowed myself to do that, butit doesn't take away from the
fact that it is scary walkingdown, unknown territory.

Angie Yu (25:03):
especially since.
Yeah, like you said, like when,when you look at everything in
hindsight, which is what we'redoing now, everything makes
sense.
But when you're in the middle ofthat dense fog, you have no idea
where you are or where you'reheaded.
And it's really scary.
The uncertainty is scary.

Kristy Yee (25:21):
yep.
And so, I mean, I felt.
Really fortunate that I amimmersed in this mental health
advocacy space, because then Iknew that this was something
that I feel weird about, but I'mnot ashamed about, because I'm
going to tell my work that yoI'm depressed.

(25:42):
I need some time off and theywere 110% supportive about it.
Everything was great.
And I'm fortunate for that.
I am also grateful that I havethe knowledge to seek support
and I'm like, I need to findtherapy.
And even though yes, cost is abig factor.
And I think a lot of people, alot of people might not even

(26:04):
have those resources, but thereare also free resources And
we'll link some in the shownotes.
And I also reached out to afamily physician, not my family
physician, cause I don't likethe dude.

Angie Yu (26:20):
That's fair.

Kristy Yee (26:21):
awesome.
That's a whole other episode.
But I just went online andthey're very accessible in
Canada.
There's maple and there's accessvirtual and I'm sure there's
plenty of other ones where youcan just jump on and then book
an appointment with a physicianthere.
They're just family doctors.
and okay, this is, this is notadvocating it very well, but, I

(26:44):
went on to access virtual.
And I saw a family physician.
And when you go on the firsttime you fill out the intake
form, because there'll be like,why are you here?
why do you need to see a doctortoday?
Like what, blah, how long haveyou been feeling whatever
symptoms it is that you havelisted?
And so I listed like depressionand like, I've been feeling this
for about three weeks now, blah,blah, blah.

(27:07):
and, and when the doctor cameon, like web video chat,
whatever, they're like, so haveyou been feeling sad?
I'm like, no, I've been majorlydepressed in the last three
weeks where I have been thinkingabout taking my life.

(27:28):
It's just like, yeah, it's verycommon these days with COVID.
Why don't I write you up aprescription?
And my mind was like, oh my God,please.

Angie Yu (27:45):
Yeah.
Send her to like a trainingcourse.
Maybe.
I don't know, like, yikes

Kristy Yee (27:51):
And the thing is, I don't think she was trying to
sound condescending.

Angie Yu (27:57):
and invalidating.

Kristy Yee (27:58):
Exactly.
I don't think she was trying atall.
I think she was actually tryingto be empathetic and that's what
made me even more sad they wereputting in effort to support me
and my mental health.
And I can feel that they'retrying to come from a good
place, but their own what itseems like stigmas.

(28:22):
Have not been addressed.

Angie Yu (28:24):
Yep.

Kristy Yee (28:25):
And so even though they are air quotes, trying, I
see their stigma way more thantheir efforts.

Angie Yu (28:32):
correct.
Yeah.
And I think in, and this is notsupposed to be like a, a
critical, a critical assessmentof our health system.
But I think family physicianshere, especially in BC, first of
all, there's like a lack ofthem.
and they're so overwhelmed,especially during COVID that,
you know what, they probablydon't have the resources to be a

(28:53):
good resource.
Does that make sense?
Yeah.
Like they themselves arestruggling too during COVID.
Yeah.
And that, that sucks, but I'mstill like, sorry that you had
to go through that becausethat's so like the last thing
you want to hear

Kristy Yee (29:09):
I just kept thinking.
I'm like if I wasn't ahealthcare professional myself,
and if I wasn't in a mentalhealth advocacy space, if I was
anybody else who didn't have theknowledge that I already have, I
would feel like first of all,medication is the only thing and
that I'm not actually that caredfor.

Angie Yu (29:29):
Yeah, because it's so common that like, Hey, like this
is a cold, you're just, you havea cold, and, and there are
sources out there that saysdepression is like the cold of
mental illnesses, and be that asa may.
It does not reduce the severityof it.
And I don't think the fatetality rate of Coles is anything

(29:50):
comparison to depression.
And I just think that.
The way she said it.
Like I wasn't there, but fromthe way that you are retelling
the story, it definitely had avery negative impact on you.
And it was not helpfulwhatsoever.

Kristy Yee (30:04):
Nope.
No.
And This is funny because I wasin a spiel of like, there are
resources out there it go seeyour family physician.
And oh, here, this is my shittystory of when I went to see a
family physician.
Okay.
Back having said that accessvirtual, the platform that I had
used, they do have carenavigators and they can help you

(30:25):
do some research.
So I asked the physician, I'mlike, are there other
interventions as well before Iexplore medication?
Are there any group programs,support groups?
Like what do you think aboutpsychiatry?
Always advocate for your ownhealth.
Don't just listen to thehealthcare professional, right?
Ask questions and ask for morethings.

(30:47):
Okay.
Don't just take what theyprescribe as the only thing.

Angie Yu (30:52):
absolutely.
That is yes, that is, we cannotemphasize that enough.

Kristy Yee (30:57):
And then with my experience with access virtual,
because I had asked for thesethings, then the doctor was
like, oh yeah, there are likeABCD things.
let me have our care navigatorlook up some resources for you
and then send them over to you.
So I did find that overallexperience was positive because

(31:17):
I was able to get something outof it and I was able to get
resources and and I still tookthe prescription and I have the
meds sitting on my kitchencounter.
And I know that that issomething that I can turn to
like a, another tool in mytoolbox.

Angie Yu (31:30):
That's right.
I'm so glad that you asked formore and that you didn't just
take it as is.
I recently had an encounter withsomeone who is also suffering
with major depression and shedoesn't really speak English.
So for her, she doesn't have afamily doctor.
So she just goes to a clinic.
A walk-in it's not always thesame doctor.

(31:51):
It's not consistent supporteither.
So she told me that the mostrecent one, she went to, they
were so dismissive of her andjust like, like, didn't really
take the time to care about herat all.
And she said it made things somuch worse.
And she didn't get the help thatshe needed.
And I felt just like a sadnessthat the system wasn't able to

(32:15):
help her because of her languagebarrier.
So I went online, found a list.
So on one of the health websitesin BC, they do have like a three
page PDF or a two page PDF ofdifferent resources in Chinese
that have different sources thatpeople who speak Chinese can
reach out to.
So I sent that to her and shewas super grateful.

(32:37):
Now I didn't look for any otherlanguages, but I do hope that
they offer it in multiplelanguages, but even then it's
still not enough.
And I think like, okay, now I'mjust kind of going on a tangent,
but you know, like the system isnever going to cover everyone.
There are always people who aregoing to slip through the
cracks.
And unfortunately not the systemor other people, sometimes even

(32:59):
family are not going to be thereto advocate for yourself.
And like Kristy said, likesometimes you just really have
to advocate for yourself.
So ask for more support, ask formore resources.
If you're not getting it fromhealth care providers or seek a
second opinion or third orwhatever.
Like many people alwaysemphasize like, Hey, if you
don't find somebody who'shelpful, look for another one.

(33:22):
Like don't give up after first.
Try.
And that was so helpful for mebecause the first counselor that
I saw was like, they were agreat person, but it just was
not the right fit.
So I kept looking until I foundthe right fit.
So same thing with any sort ofhealth care provider.
They're all human too.
Like Kristy is a healthcareprovider and she's human.
She might not be able to offerthe best service to every single

(33:45):
person that approaches her.
And sometimes it's just aboutlooking for that right match.
So if you're going on to accessvirtual or seeing your family
doctor, and nothing is reallyworking out for you, like,
please don't give up because youwill find somebody who will be
able to help you so back toChristie's story.

(34:14):
So at what point.
Cause I was here and there.
Like, I kinda know what happenedwith you, but at what point you
just approached me one day.
You're like, I'm taking off worknow.
And you also talk to me about itbeforehand.
Like, oh, I don't know if Ishould take time off work
because of this and that.
Like, what was the turning pointfor you where you decided, you
know what, I really need a break

Kristy Yee (34:36):
When I wanted to kill myself, that was a major,
major red flag amongst all thelittle red flags that I was
ignoring.
It wasn't my first time I've hadthese thoughts before, but
somehow it felt more real thistime.

(34:56):
And I don't know what thatmeans.
I don't know if that means I'minvalidating my previous
experiences or if it's justbecause it's closer to home.
So I feel it more raw in thepast is like more diluted
because it's further away.
I don't know, but it felt like,okay.
if I feel like this right now,and I cannot think in another

(35:17):
way, because when I wasdepressed, no, I still am
depressed.
But when I.
Was, in that space, I feltcompletely hopeless.
I felt like there is just noreason to live at all.
I thought about my friends andfamily and how they would feel.

(35:41):
And for sure it would be a hugegrief and real shit, probably
very traumatic.
So I started Googling survivorsof suicide and family members,
and I look, and I read theirstories and I try to see can my
friends and family handle this,can my friends and family be
like these people, do they havethat support?

(36:02):
And there are lots of supportgroups out there for people who
have lost a loved one due tosuicide.
And I wanted to understand fromtheir perspective, what that was
like.
And I started reading forums ofpeople like of significant
others asking for help online.

(36:24):
Like, Hey, my girlfriend, myboyfriend is suicidal.
Basically I was looking at allthe opinions from the other side
of the, like, not, not for me,but everybody else around me so
that I can see is this, is thissomething I want to put them
through?
And that was part of myGoogling.
My other parts of my Googlingwas looking up suicidal methods.

(36:49):
I look to see different successrates of various methods.
And I looked at the differencesbetween.
I didn't personally like lookedat this on purpose, but through
my findings, I found there wasdifferences between methods
based off of gender based off oflike AXA accessibility, of
course.

(37:09):
and then also looked atconsequences if they were failed
attempts.
Well, what happened if I O D butthen I didn't die.
Like, do I want to do that to mybody?
if I chose another method and itdidn't work right?
Like What are the consequencesof failed attempts?
So I was doing all these likeresearch and it just felt like

(37:33):
the only option, like, I know itsounds very silly, but when
you're in the mindset and it'scompletely hopeless, plus there
is no other.
It's very linear.
And in the past, when I feeldepressed, but not suicidal, I

(37:54):
would think about things liketraveling because that's
something that I love that I,that I find meaning in life is
to see all these differentcommunities, meet all these
people in the world, see howthey live, understand cultures,
taste different foods like that.
That drives me to do all thethings that I do.
So of course, as a millennialtraveler, I have one of them

(38:18):
scratch maps in my room.
Whenever I look at that scratchmap, it's always a positive
feeling either like, wow, lookat all these places that I've
already been to or wow.
Look at how big the world is andall these other places that I
want to go to like, oh, so manybeauty in the world.

(38:38):
Okay.
When I looked at that map inthat phase, all I could think
about was what is the point?
I felt no pleasure in anythingthat used to

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021 (38:50):
give

Kristy Yee (38:51):
me pleasure.

Angie Yu (38:52):
Yeah,

Kristy Yee (38:53):
And I know that's very textbook, but it's a reason
it's

Angie Yu (38:58):
it's textbook.

Kristy Yee (39:00):
because that's how it feels.
There's no, there's just nothingelse.
There's

Angie Yu (39:05):
There's nothing to keep you going.
Other than the button ofself-destruction that we come
with.

Kristy Yee (39:13):
I just wanted to not feel so shit anymore.
And it's so scary because I'mlike, holy fuck.
That means I'm suicidal.
I don't want to be suicidal.
Okay.
I want to thrive.
I want to be that person.
Who's excited about travelingagain.
I remember there was one day Iwas in the parking lot at my
nearby at London drugs.

(39:34):
And I was picking up egg tartsbecause there's like an egg tart
place nearby.
Yes.
It's like the best egg tarts inthe whole fucking city.
Like I think it's the best eggTara set I've ever had.
And I've been to Hong Kong

Angie Yu (39:45):
Yes, me too.
I will fight anybody whodisagrees with me.

Kristy Yee (39:49):
anyway.
So in that parking lot, and Iwas waiting for the new batch of
egg parts to come out.
Okay.
So I lean against my car and Ihave my phone and I'm just
scrolling, like most people do,but I'm scrolling through
suicidal methods, just chillingin the parking lot, waiting for

(40:10):
my egg tarts

Angie Yu (40:12):
Sorry.
I

Kristy Yee (40:12):
see what are the, I know, I know.
I know, but it's

Angie Yu (40:15):
be laughing at that.

Kristy Yee (40:19):
you have no idea what people are looking at when
they're on their phones.
Okay.
I remember it was a beautifulsunny day and here I am, like
all privileged, you know, atthis point I had taken time off
and I'm waiting for my eggtarts, in my fucking Lexus, you
know?
and, and I just want to die.

Angie Yu (40:39):
I'm going to say the same thing you said to me a
couple of weeks ago, privilegehas nothing to do with any of
this.

Kristy Yee (40:47):
Yeah.

Angie Yu (40:48):
Like, yes, we have certain privileges in terms of
accessibility and being able tohelp ourselves and putting
mental health as priority, butit does not take away the pain.
That you feel, and it does nottake away the help that you
need.

Kristy Yee (41:03):
In that moment, I Googled the suicide helpline and
stared at it.
And I was very, very close tohitting the number and calling
just to see cause maybe I, Ineed that in that moment.
Maybe I need

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021 (41:23):
that

Kristy Yee (41:23):
help, but then I thought maybe, I don't know.
No, not for me.
Not because I don't think I wassuicidal, but I felt like maybe
someone else needs to align more

Angie Yu (41:34):
oh, Christie.

Kristy Yee (41:35):
and I don't want to tie up the line if I'm just
waiting for my egg tarts.
Like I'm not, you know, standingover a bridge, you know what I
mean?

Angie Yu (41:43):
Yeah, I do know what you mean, but it doesn't take
away the pain.
Like I can feel probably a smallpart of the pain that you felt
just by, by listening andthat's, that's human connection.
And and I'm really sorry thatyou were in that mind space.

(42:06):
It's, it's hard.
It's really hard.
Especially when you think ofyourself as this really
extroverted bubbly person.
You're like, how can I be likethis?
Like, how is it possible when Ihave all of these, like all
these things in life and familyand friends, but it doesn't
matter.
Cause all those things areexternal.

(42:27):
The privilege that we have isexternal.
What we do with that privilegeis internal.
The support that we have formental health is external, how
we approach that support isinternal.
The pain that you feel insidedoes not become less because you
have more external things.

(42:48):
And then what did you do afteryou decided not to call the
hotline?

Kristy Yee (42:54):
I think I went for a drive.
For a really long time and, uh,played sad music.
And I cried in my car and I hadmany days when I just drove and
cried.
throughout this whole time,there are, there are days when

(43:17):
it felt like it was bearable.
There are days when I thinkmaybe I can go back to a work
like I'm trajectory goingupwards.
I'm not, I'm not fully thereyet, but I'm heading towards
there.
And then there will be days whenI just fall right back down.
And those are the mostdisappointing days because it

(43:40):
felt like I was doing well.
And I was able to, you know,cook food, food, or like shower.
And then the next day it wouldjust be like, and I would say
that was probably the hardest,this part was going up and down
and riding that roller coasterbecause in the past, my
experience was you progressivelydecline until you're in this

(44:04):
like nasty, nasty pit.
And hopefully if you ever get tothat nasty pit, you have some
resources, friends, family,therapists, whatever, to help
you out of it.
And eventually when you get outof it, you slowly climbed back
up.
And to me, that's whatdepression is like.
There's just this illness andsometimes you will slip and fall

(44:26):
and it has nothing to do withyou as a person.
It's just your illnessrelapsing.
And that's what I'm used to,what I wasn't used to was
climbing up and then fallingback down and climb it up and
falling back down.
And I'm like, fuck, I'm tired ofthis.
And that's where I still amright now.
There's no ending to this story.
And that's what the series isabout.

(44:48):
It's an update of where we arein our current moment and I am
still off work and I I amtrajectory upwards is how I feel
like, but I have fallen down somany times now that I'm kind of
not holding too much hope.
I don't want to be pessimisticabout it cause that's not going
to do me any good either, butI'm not going to hold so much.

(45:12):
I don't know.
Emotional asset to me going backup, you know, so I'm just gonna
let, let it happen.
Like I'm trying to feel neutralabout it, you know, I'm just
going to be like, okay, I feelgood right now.
I'm just going to be happy thattoday feels like a seven out of
10, because today it feels likea seven out of 10.
And in my like, really shit isprobably like a two out of 10.

(45:35):
Right.
And my average was like three tofour out of 10 in the last week.
I've probably been aroundanywhere from six to seven out
of 10 on average.
And I'm feeling good about it.
And let's just not putexpectation on where I'm going
to be tomorrow or the next day.
Let's just feel good about thattoday.
I'm a seven out of 10 and that'ssomething that I have just learn

(45:56):
right now.

Angie Yu (45:58):
I was going to say, like, that sounds like
something, you just had anepiphany.
And, and I think a lot of times,like, I don't know, I don't know
if this is how you are, butsometimes when I'm feeling
depressed and I think I felt,felt better.
And then I just come back downit's because I'm forcing myself
to go up and it's not going towork.
You force yourself, but you'rejust gonna, the depression is

(46:19):
the pull you down.
Cause they're like, ha, I'm notgone yet.

Kristy Yee (46:22):
Yeah, I'm still here.

Angie Yu (46:24):
Nice try bitch, but I'm not gone yet.
so then no matter how hard youtry to like run away, it just
kind of like pulls you back.
But if you just Let it do itsthing, you know, don't let it
take over your life.
But if you have to make changesin your life so that you can
kind of let it do its thing andlet us slowly dissipate then.
Okay.
And of course, like you said,everybody handles their

(46:46):
depression differently.
And it's just really about,especially if it's an ongoing
thing, it's just aboutrecognizing those symptoms and
you're going to have epiphaniesis every time, You're never
going to be, it's not like, Hey,in two years, I'm going to be an
expert on I managing my owndepression.
Yeah.

Kristy Yee (47:04):
I do want to say, like for anybody, for our
listeners, if you've, if you'veever been through suicidal
ideations or if you're, ifyou're feeling that right now,
even, yeah, I know I didn't callthe number, but the number is
there for you.
And I was, I wasn't afraid totell other people about it.

(47:25):
Like I told my boss, I'm like,yo, I'm thinking about killing
myself, but didn't say it likethat.
But

Angie Yu (47:30):
yeah.

Kristy Yee (47:31):
and then I told my therapist and I told my doctor,
and it doesn't matter really howthey respond.

Angie Yu (47:40):
you're being honest with yourself.

Kristy Yee (47:42):
And you also know that that is not where you want
to be.
Even though your mind tells youotherwise, right?
Because this is the only option,but you're like, I don't want to
feel this way.
And, and me telling other peoplenot only made me feel a little
bit more liberated, but itopened up opportunities for
other people to also help me aswell.

(48:04):
The thing is, don't just expectthem to help you.
Like, don't just be like, I'mgoing to tell everybody, and
they're all going to be here tosupport me.
Some people can do that.
And some people don't have thecapacity for that.
So don't put the expectation,but you know, again, it's
feeling neutral about it, right?
Not feeling ashamed to not tellanybody don't be ashamed.

(48:25):
Just tell people it, it helpsnormalize it.
It doesn't make it okay.
But it helps normalize it.

Angie Yu (48:30):
Yeah.
And if you're ashamed, it's alsookay.
Because we grew up in a societythat shames this concept.
So, if you are ashamed rightnow, like know that it's okay to
be ashamed, but that you willfind a way to not be ashamed
because it has to start withyou.
Right?
Like the reason why you'reashamed is because society tells

(48:51):
you, you should be ashamed andyou should be like, fuck
society.
And I think one other point,sorry, just before you go on is
I think one other positive, ormaybe not positive because I
don't want to label thingspositive and negative, but one
other thing that's helpful toadmitting that you are suicidal
or that you have suicideideation.

(49:13):
Ideation.
I can never pronounce that word.
I D E a T I O N

Kristy Yee (49:19):
That makes it worse for me.
That means I have to put ittogether in my head.

Ep 27 - Kristy - June 2021 (49:26):
Fuck

Angie Yu (49:26):
Sorry.
Suicide ideation is That Youwhen you're admitting it, you're
not just admitting yourthoughts, but you're also
admitting your pain.
You're vocalizing your pain andyou're validating it,

Kristy Yee (49:40):
Yeah.
Own it.

Angie Yu (49:41):
owning that you feel painful.
And a lot of people who havegone through this will say that,
Hey, it's not like I wanted toend my life.
There were still a lot of thingsin my life that I absolutely
loved and would not want to giveup.
But the pain of how I felt wasso excruciating and it just
trumped everything else that itfelt like just to get rid of

(50:04):
that pain was worth losingeverything else in my life.
But I remember saying this to mytherapist, I was like good
things.
Don't last.
And she was like, well, neitherdo bad things.
Nothing is permanent, includingthings that you think are bad.
And I was like, oh, damn.

(50:26):
Yeah.
The whole idea of suicidalideation is just that, like,
it's okay to feel this way.
And just because it's okay.
Or just because it's happened toother people does not reduce
your own experience.
So I think for me, one of thethings that made me hesitant to

(50:46):
talk about it, it's like, well,I'm sure I'm not the only person
going through this, so whyshould I make a big deal of it?
But it's your life.
It's your mental health.
You have to be your ownadvocate.

Kristy Yee (51:13):
I was talking about sharing it and not have
expectations from people,Sometimes there are people are
going to come and help supportyou and you would not have
expected it either.
And if you didn't share, thenyou wouldn't have been able to
get that?
help and support.
A friend of mine had reached outand I don't, I'm trying to

(51:35):
remember.
I see a lot of things aboutlike, when you're in serious pit
of depression, things just getwoozy.
I don't think they knew that Iwas in a depressive phase, but
it was just like a, Hey, how'sit going?
Kind of a thing.
And I told them what's up and.
they told me about this place inVancouver.

(51:55):
that's affiliated with thehospital, but basically like a
mental health assessment typething.
And then provide you or guideyou to all the appropriate
resources that is in the areaand I, would've never known
about this place.
Had I not told this person whatI was going through and they

(52:15):
found this resource for me.
And what's really interesting isthat even though it's, this
center is supported by our localhealth authority and it's
affiliated with the hospital.
I asked my therapist and myfamily physician about the
center, And neither of them knewabout this resource.

Angie Yu (52:34):
wow.
Yeah, because even the expertsare, they're not perfect.
Sorry.
and what was this resource.
called again?

Kristy Yee (52:40):
it's called access and assessment At the Joseph and
Rosa sequel family center, whichis a new mental health center at
Vancouver general hospital.

Angie Yu (52:49):
Oh, okay.

Kristy Yee (52:50):
It's not 24 seven, but it's till like 11:00 AM PM,
like 7:00 AM to 11:00 PM.
And, and they do walk ins.
They do phone calls cause it'sCOVID and yeah, so you might be
surprised by who be there tosupport you and provide you re
resources.
but you know, as long as we areable to open up, it's mostly for

(53:12):
you and not have otherexpectations from others.

Angie Yu (53:20):
It was a bit sobering, like hearing you really go into
the details.
Like I knew that you were in areally dark pit, I think hearing
you share that there wasdefinitely a moment where I
started tearing up a little bitbecause like, yeah, like for me,

(53:42):
like, like I can sympathize witha lot of things you said, but I
can also empathize with thatpain as well.
And it's just, it's so hard todescribe what that pain feels
like to someone who hasn't gonethrough it.
And then to people who have gonethrough a right away, they know
exactly what you're talkingabout.
It's just that deep gutturalfeeling of pain.

Kristy Yee (54:02):
Yeah.
And it's not where you want tobe.
It's it's, it's like, you know,this is part of your illness and
when it comes to the point whereyou're like, oh my God, I'm
thinking about suicide.
Okay.
Yeah, definitely, definitelyreach for some more help.
I still just don't want to bethis person, you know?
And, and sometimes it's hard toseparate the illness and the

(54:25):
person and the illness makes youhave all these other thoughts
that you don't agree with, whichsounds kind of like two voices
in your head.
And, you know, that's soundslike you were crazy, but it
makes it so much more confusingand difficult to work through

(54:47):
when you cannot tell sometimeswhat is the depression and what
is me.
And then when you can tell, andyou're like, oh fuck, this is
just the depression.
Like I'm gonna, you know, Imean, I take care of myself, I'm
gonna do what I'm going to allowmyself to feel all these things
with the help of support andtherapy and go through these
motions.

(55:07):
But I still don't, I don't wantto be here because I'm behaving
like a person that I don'tidentify with.
and that itself can be soexhausting.
And that's where I'm at rightnow, because it's been two
fucking months.
Now I've been off work for, Idon't know, four or five weeks
in total.
It's been two months ish becauseI spent the first three weeks,

(55:30):
like going through this withouttaking off work timeline, it's
all really messed up.
but I feel like even thoughthere's been good days and there
are not so good days referringback to that rollercoaster on
average, I don't feel like Ihave gone anywhere and I'm
getting really impatient withmyself.

(55:50):
And although two months for somepeople might seem like a long
time for some people it's likeno time at all, I think I'm
being really hard on myself andputting on a lot of expectations
on myself because I'm someonewho's really, really driven by
productivity and Angie knowsthis because that's how we
operate inside the podcast.

(56:11):
Angie's the creative one.
I am like the go, go, go.
We're going to do ABCD EFG.
And then we're going to move onto our list number.
We

Angie Yu (56:22):
is number three, item number 17.3.
Yeah.

Kristy Yee (56:29):
right?
So that's, that's how I operate.
And maybe I need to learn tolike, let go of some of these
things.
That's going to be a long-termthing for me.
I can just let go right now.
It's part of how I work in thepodcast is how I work in my
professional setting.
It's just, and for someone whois so productivity driven and
I'm not seeing results.

(56:51):
It's driving me crazy.

Angie Yu (56:53):
because you see productivity as your identity.

Kristy Yee (56:57):
Yes,

Angie Yu (56:58):
So now you feel like,

Kristy Yee (57:00):
value.

Angie Yu (57:01):
but, but it shouldn't your value as a human being lies
beyond your product, which, youknow, like, you know, all of
this, but like, it's different,like you've told, you said the
exact same advice to me, and Iknow exactly what you mean.
Like, you know, and like I say,this stuff to you, but when I'm
in my pit, I'm like, there's thewhole, not a pit.
This is a whole, not a pit.

(57:23):
And I try to deny myself of whatI'm feeling.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
But I get it.
It must be really hard to belike, oh, this is who I am.
And right now I don't even knowwho I am because the thing that
gives me meaning in life andthing that gives me value in
life.
I can't even begin to thinkabout how to be productive
again.
But Hey, I'm going to saysomething.

(57:44):
I'm going to call a Dalai Lama.
You are a human being, not ahuman doing.
Isn't that cute?
That like Dalai Lama actuallysaid that

Kristy Yee (57:53):
I like that you described it as cute.

Angie Yu (57:55):
it is cute.

Kristy Yee (57:56):
How do we wrap up fuck

Angie Yu (58:00):
Well, we can't really wrap up.
Right.
This,

Kristy Yee (58:02):
in next time?

Angie Yu (58:07):
the story doesn't end here.

Kristy Yee (58:09):
See what's up with our lives in our next episode of
our shit, everybody.

Angie Yu (58:15):
says Kristy ashy pours her tea.

Kristy Yee (58:17):
No,

Angie Yu (58:18):
which mug do you have?
Is that the Starbucks one?

Kristy Yee (58:20):
of course.
This is the Guangzhou

Angie Yu (58:23):
My God.
That's so funny.
Cause I have the Shanghai oneright now.

Kristy Yee (58:26):
Oh, excellent.
I love these mugs because everytime I open up my mug cabinet,
I'm like, where in the world doI want to be right now?
And this is one of the two waysthat I can travel since COVID is
choosing my Starbucks mug.
And the other thing is seeingwhich country I want to go to on
my VPN

Angie Yu (58:49):
that's pretty good.
That's pretty good.

Kristy Yee (58:52):
right now.
I'm in Switzerland.
Anyways, this is not how we wantit to wrap up.

Angie Yu (58:58):
no, we're avoiding the hard part.
I can't, how should we wrap up?
Well, this was a very, I don'twant to say heavy because I
think that does put some stigmaonto it, but it's definitely not
a light subject.

Kristy Yee (59:15):
I think it's okay to call it heavy.
I mean, it is, it is tough.
Like it's tough for me.
And it's probably tough foranybody who could relate.
And it's also tough for peoplewho have no fucking idea what
it's like to have suicidalideations or depression.
So it's probably tough for themto hear too.
But even though it's tough andit's heavy doesn't mean we need

(59:35):
to avoid it.

Angie Yu (59:36):
And because it is heavy and you can't bear the
load on your own, that's whatyour support system is for.
But, um, you go.
Boom.

Kristy Yee (59:46):
I like our own sound effects better than the ones
that, you know, we could add.

Angie Yu (59:56):
Cause that's a joke thing.
And what I said was not a jokeat all.
I guess I was joking as in like,Hey, that was a pretty good way
to end it, but yeah, like, youknow, analogies and stuff.

Kristy Yee (01:00:07):
this is a series just tune in next time

Angie Yu (01:00:09):
yeah.
Today, next time

and we'll see what's up, whether it's my journey or
Angie's because we spent theentire episode.
Talk about me maybe next time.
We'll talk a little bit aboutAngie maybe we'll talk a little
bit about both who knows,because our shit is just about
where we are at in our currentmoment.

Angie Yu (01:00:26):
With that said, if there are topics that you guys
are interested in, like how to,you know, we always talk about
how to reach out for help andstuff like that.
But if there's somethingspecific like, Hey, what
questions do I need to ask myhealthcare providers?
Or like, what should I share?
Which like, you know, stuff likethat.
And like, where should I evenstart?
let us know, and we'll try ourbest to share our experiences

(01:00:49):
and to share what we know.

okay.
That's it?
Peace.

Angie Yu (01:00:53):
You know, what's funny.
We used to say, okay, bye

yeah,

Angie Yu (01:00:56):
peace.

we have to change it up.
Okay.
This is season two now.

Angie Yu (01:01:02):
true.
That's true.

All right, bye.
Yeah.

Angie Yu (01:01:09):
Oh boy.
That's a wrap, not

Okay.

Angie Yu (01:01:14):
for Milan, not a doctor

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}27. Our Shit: Suicide Ideations and the Depression Roller Coaster