29. Judging Our Life Choices: Cultural Identities and Love vs. Sex ft. Stephen Yuan

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Stephen Yuan (00:00):
It's a huge problem with men because I'm
going through this firsthand.
It's like the amount ofinsecurity and vulnerability
that we do not deal with from ayoung age when it comes to
things like sex is reallyterrifying.

Angie Yu (00:38):
Welcome back to another episode of shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.

Kristy Yee (00:42):
And the.

Angie Yu (00:43):
And today we have a special guest all the way from
Shanghai, Steven Yuan, StevenYuan, Steven Yuen.
I don't like to say pronouncingit and the, the white way to
pronounce it would be you on,but it's.
UN.
I've known Stephen since we were18.
I want to say I met him inuniversity.
We went to the same university.

(01:03):
We had some classes together.
I can't, I can't remember how,like how we were friends, but I
just remember visiting him inShanghai and we had a blast.
so we've stayed in contact sinceuniversity and I don't really
know what you've been up to, butyou've been model.
And then you went into thebusiness of coconut water and
then the business of Airbnb, Ithink.

(01:26):
You've just done so manyventures that I lose track.
All in all very interestingperson, very excited you on the
podcast.

Thank you.
It's an honor to be here.
It's nice meeting Christie.
yeah, I've done a lot of shit.
A lot of it not very good.
can I swear on this?
I can

Angie Yu (01:41):
Yeah It's title.

Kristy Yee (01:44):
No, not swear.

Yeah.
I mean, the way I describe it aslike turned 30 last year, I
turned 31 in August.
You know, I described mytwenties as like trying to every
flavor of ice cream of baskinrobins you and now that I'm 30,
it's kind of like, I've tried 70of the flavors and narrowed it
down to like maybe two or three.

(02:07):
And now like, I want to find thebest lemon sorbet the best
raspberry sorbet you know, likefrom a work standpoint, at least
that's how I view it.
So yeah, I've done a lot ofshit.
Not all of them.
Good.
Some of a good

Angie Yu (02:19):
that also kind of sounds like your dating life as
well, but we'll get that later.
We'll get, get to that later.

Kristy Yee (02:26):
Was

fair

Kristy Yee (02:27):
plan Stephen?
No

no.
I mean, you know, you can askAngie and when we were in
school, I was, I was very, verydifferent, you know, and Mo
multiple times over, I'm sure weall were.
But when I, when we graduated atSFU, I was in a relationship
that would probably wasn't themost healthiest, you know, at
that 0.4 and a half years in.
And I just, you know, like whenyou graduated, I didn't have a
job lined up.
I didn't want a job.
And originally just wanted tocome to Shanghai for like two,

(02:50):
three.
moved in with these two guyswere, cause we never had that
dorm experience in Vancouver.
Right.
Cause we just, we bus up to SFUyou know, moved in with these
two guys, one of them still, oneof my best friends, the other,
still a good friend as well.
And first two or three monthshere, I think Angie can relate,
you know, when she first came toas a 22 year old broke dumb ass,
it's

Kristy Yee (03:08):
Yeah

very freeing, you know, and whatever you want.
Like, I started a fuckingfitness bootcamp called vomit
because I wanted to, know, and,and the city allow you to do
that.
So eight years later, I'm stillhere.

Angie Yu (03:22):
yeah.

Kristy Yee (03:23):
the original plan was two, three months.
And now it's boom, eight yearslater.

Mm.
Yeah.
mean, it wasn't always good.
You know, I would describe mytime here, like a U curve.
so in the beginning it wasgreat.
And then for about four or fiveyears, I would say it was, it
was pretty dark at times andunhappy.
And now I would say I'm on theother end of the year.

Angie Yu (03:41):
Oh, that's good.

Kristy Yee (03:42):
Tell us more about those dark times.

Yeah.
Like how he just go straightinto this Yeah

Kristy Yee (03:48):
in.

Yeah

Angie Yu (03:49):
He doesn't emotional lubricant.
Just raw.

I don't think I've ever used lubricant.
well it depends on situation, Iguess.
I,

Kristy Yee (03:58):
Sometimes it's

yeah it depends

Angie Yu (03:59):
Let's go back to that.
Let's go back to ourconversation about dark time

Kristy Yee (04:03):
back to the dark

go back to the dark then.
So I think I have a borderlinepersonality disorder.
I don't think I've ever beenproperly diagnosed with it.
You know?
my mom struggles withdepression.
really go through stages ofmanic too much.
So I think for me, it's, it'smore probably like borderline
personality disorder.
and I think, you know, this cityis a little different because
there's people like Angie cometo China who come here for a

(04:26):
short amount of time and theyjust make the most out of it.
You know, whether that's asemester, two years, and then
there are people here who staylong-term and I'm probably in
that camp now as well.
It's that middle part?
That's a little weird, you know,especially when you're in your
mid to late twenties where youdon't really have a career, you
don't really have money, know,and you know, you're in this
fast paced city, you just kindof feel left behind a little

(04:49):
bit.
you know, when you add in likepersonal habits and all that
shit, just, wasn't very happy.
If that makes sense.
I don't want to start thispodcast off depressing, but

Angie Yu (05:00):
No, it does make sense.
Like for me, yeah, it was veryshort term best out of it.
Even though I was in China forsix months, it felt like
fricking two years, becauseeverything in China just moves
at such an incredible pace.
That data every day wasdifferent.
So Steven, like you've been inShanghai for eight years.

(05:20):
I'm sure that feels like 16years more 25 years.
Yeah.
Like you feel like you're amiddle age now that by the
amount of things you've done.
Yeah.
Like you said earlier, the cityallows you to do that.
For those of you who aren'tfamiliar with what Shanghai is
like they're just so many peopleand there so many opportunities
because there are enough peopleto offer the service or goods

(05:41):
too.
Right.

Right,

Angie Yu (05:43):
it's a great place to learn new things.
like what do you think what'syour biggest lesson?
So.

Ooh.
Okay.
biggest lesson so far.
I dunno.
I, I think it's, it's a motto Itry to live by it's, you know,
we all have two lives until werealize, sorry.
We all have two lives and westarted a second one when we
realized we just have one, youknow I know that's not really
like a lesson, but it reallytook some time when you're in a
city like this in your early midtwenties.
You're just so stuck in thetrees.

(06:10):
You don't have time to reallystep away and look at the.
You know, so I think for me,just learning to myself, to take
time sometimes like once amonth, now I will leave the
city.
go

Angie Yu (06:22):
Okay

the mountains.
you know, just because I'm adifferent person when I leave
Shanghai.
Right.
So learning to do that, learningto kind of reset and be okay,
resetting the, you know, likebeing like, oh, it's okay to
just go away for a weekend andwrite or whatever.
I think that's really helped alot, if that makes sense that
and learning to separate smokefrom fire,

Angie Yu (06:39):
What does that mean?

You know, when you have a city like this, probably
New York, similar, especially inthe eighties and nineties, you
know, where anyone can come inand, and slap a title on to
their business card, you know,they want to open up bootcamp or
start a podcast or do aconsulting firm.
You know, there's a lot ofpeople that obviously can do
that, you know, and everyone'salways pitching things or
selling things or wantingthings.

(07:02):
And some of it has validity andthe people are good and the work
is good, but there's a lot ofsmoke, know, there's a lot of
people just, there's a term herecalled losers back home.
LBH

Angie Yu (07:12):
Okay

of the people here

Kristy Yee (07:15):
I'm like I'm learning all this

Angie Yu (07:17):
There a lot of like people who couldn't make it back
home go to China especially ifyou're white, like white I've
never experienced second hand.
What privilege like that likethen when I was China with white
people, like, it was Likeanybody

Kristy Yee (07:35):
like doted and put it on a pedestal.

yeah, they're used to it, I would say like, they're

Angie Yu (07:40):
there.
go

It's amazing how, you know, I just had my my
friend on my podcast, his nameis Adris you know, he's like
this six foot, three black guyfrom Ohio and he's dating like a
Shanghainese girl.
And we were just talking about.
Shanghai people, especiallyShanghai, women are probably
sound the most open-mindedpeople in the world, you know,
and this city has really kind ofembraced that.
So foreigners here are reallykind of just like on par now,

(08:01):
you know, they're not reallyelevated anymore, like Think
back when Angie went wasprobably a little different now
I would say it's very diff it's

Angie Yu (08:07):
Yeah yeah

a city like Shanghai, there's virtually
zero.
There's probably the opposite ofwhite privilege now Now it's,
it's really just like New York,but with much more Chinese
people.

Angie Yu (08:16):
Yeah.
Actually, I, do see that there'slike something like 2 million,
maybe even more now ex-patsShanghai.
So that is a lot of people.
I mean, and for context,Shanghai has like 18 million
people in total, so

I think 18 residents and with migrant
workers on a daily basis, itgoes up to mid thirties.

Angie Yu (08:33):
damn.

Kristy Yee (08:34):
And where do you see yourself, Stephen?
Cause you know, you're raisedhere in,

Angie Yu (08:39):
Yeah

Kristy Yee (08:39):
You were raised in Vancouver and then now you've
been living in Shanghai for thelast eight years.
You are Chinese, you been raisedin a Western society.
So do you consider yourself likean ex-pat or Chinese person or I
don't, I

Angie Yu (08:56):
Yeah

Kristy Yee (08:57):
know what these categories are.

Yeah.
I mean, I don't know if anybodyknows what these categories are,
to be honest with you, you know?
I think Ange can tell you thatI'm a very doing my own way type
of person, for lack of betterway to say that.
I, I really don't think aboutthat a lot.
Like when I think about myidentity, it's really not like,
am I an ex-pat?
Am I Chinese?
You know, in my Asian am I, oh,I guess, I mean, I am Asian, but

(09:20):
it's really more to do with whatit is that I want to accomplish
and what it is that I, I want,you know, and how I view it
rather than how you view it, youknow?
You know, like I don't reallycare whether or not you consider
me an ex-pat or, or local, thatmakes sense.

Kristy Yee (09:35):
My perception of China is very skewed

Sure

Kristy Yee (09:39):
from my mother like the media that I'm exposed to.
So I have I'm under theimpression that in China, it's
very judgmental.
even if you yourself, don't putyourself in a box.
Or label yourself.
Do you find that folks therelabel you

Yeah, absolutely.
You know, I got laid labeled ABCall the time, even though I

Angie Yu (10:05):
Okay

are of all the labels I hate.
That's the one I hate the most.
I actually really don't feelABC, you know, like I, I grew up
in Germany before we moved toCanada, a big part of me still
very European, you know, andjust that entire like west coast
yappy vibe just really does notsit well with me.
but yeah, you got labeleddefinitely

Angie Yu (10:22):
were you born?

a jungle Hunan.
And then

Angie Yu (10:25):
Oh, right, right, right

three, you know?

Angie Yu (10:27):
right,

Kristy Yee (10:28):
so dope?

Yeah.
And then beautiful Vancouverwhen I was

Angie Yu (10:33):
when you were a 22.

Yeah.

Kristy Yee (10:35):
Do you plan to stay in Shanghai

Uh, I've, I've, I, you know,

Angie Yu (10:40):
Okay

I feel very fortunate to know that what I
want to do for the rest of mylife.
And to be honest with you,nothing else really matters.
kind of would like to build alife where I spent some time in
Vancouver.
My mom is still there, you know,but I really want to have a
reason for going back.
Like, I don't want to just goback rent an Airbnb and hang out
for two weeks, you know?
So whether that's property,whether it's business, whether

(11:02):
that's, you know, my dog orwhatever.
Um, but we're building thatlife, you know, I will love to
spend some time in Asia, sometime in Vancouver and some time
in Europe every year.

Angie Yu (11:12):
Very transient.

Yeah.
would describe myself that waytoo.
I think, but it's, weird.
Cause when I'm on the road, Iwant to come home and the one of
my home, I want to be on it.

Angie Yu (11:24):
What you mean because I used to feel that way all the
was it yeah, I guess I'vechanged.
I wouldn't really say that.
Change though.
I say, I would have I adapted ifI was thrown back into that life
again, I would adapt to that.
I don't think changed the pointwhere I'm like, oh, I never want
to do that again.
But the circumstances and whereI'm at in my life, I have

(11:45):
adapted to those circumstances.

Right, right,

Angie Yu (11:49):
when you were describing about how you want to
be a little bit everywhere, itjust reminded me of this
excerpt.
I was reading in Eddie Huangfresh off the boat, which was
the book that kind of likefreely introduced me to like
this whole identity thing.
he said that because he was, hewas born.
Taiwan.
And then his family moved toFlorida.

(12:10):
He never felt like he fit inthere.
So then he moved to New York andthat's where he called home.
But even then he never trulyfell at home.
And he said the only place wherehe ever, ever truly felt at home
was that an airport because yousee people come and go, there's
no, there's no labels.
There's no And there's no clock.
Well, there there's first class,first class and he caught me

Kristy Yee (12:34):
There's actually a lot of

Yeah

Angie Yu (12:36):
you know what I mean?
Like everyone's just transient.

Right.

Angie Yu (12:40):
And that, that was when I read that I was like,
damn.
And then when you set that, Iwas like, damn.

I think for me, it was maybe more like wanting to
experience different thingsrather than like, I actually
don't, I hate the airport, soit's definitely not that for me,
you know?
And when I think of home, it'seither here or it's Vancouver,
but that's based on the people.
Like if all the, you know, I'mvery fortunate here.
I have a lot of close friendsthat I see a lot, you know, and,
and if they weren't here, Idon't know how much longer I

(13:06):
would do it here.
You know, just like if my momwasn't in Vancouver, I don't
know whether or not I wouldinvest in building a life there.
I think for me, it's more justlike, I would love to

Angie Yu (13:14):
Okay

in Barcelona for six months.
I would love to live in one ofthose areas for six months.
I would love to live in, youknow, Bali for a year.
and have a life design aroundthem.
see.

Kristy Yee (13:25):
what I want to do.

I think a lot of people want them.

Angie Yu (13:29):
not right now, not at this stage in my life.
There are other things that Iwant more than that.
Yeah.
again, everyone views lifedifferently.

Kristy Yee (13:38):
Well, it's all about your own personal values, some
people like to spend money onhandbags and some

Right

Kristy Yee (13:46):
money on airplane tickets.
Some

right

Kristy Yee (13:47):
to have the comfort and stability of, being at home
wherever home is.
And some people want to makehome wherever they are.

Okay.
a good way of putting it.
Yeah.
You know, and, and I think thisis something I'm also out, to be
honest with you, I'm, I'mfiguring it out.
Like this is probably the firsttime in my life where I'm
seriously thinking about this ina strategic sense.
I think once I turned 30, youreally started thinking about
things a little more long-termor at least I did in my
twenties.
And I was thinking about womenand money I guess ego right or

(14:18):
tattoos, probably tattoos.

Angie Yu (14:20):
And what are you thinking by now?
How many of those four iscurrently still on your mind?

just the tattoos at this point.
Oh, the money thing as well.
I mean like, but for me, moneyis about getting to a number.
I'm a very like a sprintoriented person.
my life is designed around, youknow, rush getting through
today, getting through thisweek, getting through this
month, getting through until wehit X number of getting to, you
know, and then taking breaksalong the way.
you know, with my film stuff,it's getting to production,

(14:46):
right.
That's kind of how I designed my

Angie Yu (14:48):
Okay

the money thing is also goal oriented.
The women thing has kind offaded a little bit.
It's interesting.

Kristy Yee (14:53):
Why do you think that is?

It's just not a priority anymore.
You know?
I still enjoy the company ofwomen.
Don't get me wrong.

Angie Yu (14:58):
Oh my goodness.

you know, It's just it's it's not the priority,
I guess.
I don't know.
a good question.

Angie Yu (15:05):
You enjoy the company of women.

I do.
Yeah.
Nothing wrong with that.

Angie Yu (15:10):
There's nothing wrong with it, but the way you said it
is very, I don't know if it'sbecause you've been in China for
a really long time.

Hmm.

Kristy Yee (15:17):
What are you alluding to Angie?

Angie Yu (15:19):
It sounds a very like, like,

KTV.

Angie Yu (15:22):
no.
Wow.
I don't even know what that is.
sounds very like geisha, like,you know, like, like you enjoy
the company of a women in termsof what they can provide you,
which is entertainment.
And I don't know a cure forloneliness

Ooh, a cure.
I don't, I didn't know.
There was a cure for

Angie Yu (15:42):
there isn't there isn't, that's why that's why
people chase external thingsbecause they think that it will
cure loneliness when there is nocure for loneliness

Kristy Yee (15:51):
distraction from loneliness.

Angie Yu (15:53):
right.

I don't disagree with that.
I would like to offer analternative hypothesis, which is
maybe just a we've, you know,for some people, the way we've
designed relationships and sexis not adequate enough for, for
they want.
You know, like I'm in asituation right now where I
would say I'm in a relationship,but it's a fairly open minded
relationship.
Let's call it.
And you know, at the same time,I'm very upfront with women

(16:17):
these days.
been trying to learn that youcan still be very clear and
upfront with what you want andnot be an asshole at the same
time.
which I feel like most men don'tunderstand actually,

Kristy Yee (16:26):
I'm totally with on that, because I think there are
two completely different thingsbecause can be upfront, but you
can still come from a place ofrespect.

Angie Yu (16:34):
that's right

Kristy Yee (16:35):
what you

Yeah

Angie Yu (16:36):
Yeah

Kristy Yee (16:36):
And, you're just communicating isn't

right

Kristy Yee (16:39):
do isn't that our thing is just communication

right

Kristy Yee (16:42):
have enough of that in the

Angie Yu (16:43):
Yeah.
exactly.
And that's, that's it like, I,the people who shame other
people or judge others forspeaking, what's truly on their
mind.
They're the people who haveproblems, not the people who
have a non-conformist idea ofwhat a relationship or life
looks like.

I mean, I just had this conversation last night
with one of my best friends.
She just I think you guys shouldhave her on actually.
So she just got

Angie Yu (17:06):
Yeah

to go to do her.
Master's at Harvard for,adolescent counseling's focus on
Asian diaspora and thirdculture.
so she starts in September andwe were talking last night about
this, this theory I've beenworking on where really do think
the way we view sex iscompletely wrong.
You know, like I thinkevolutionary speaking is
probably much closer to foodthan it is to how we view it

(17:28):
right now, which is veryreligion based, Like if you eat
the healthiest salad every dayfor three years, you're not
going to want that saladanymore.
You know?
And like, there are times whenyou just, you just want a slice
of pizza and you want amilkshake, even though, you
know, it's bad for you.
And if you look at how thepsychological and neurological
aspects of sex works, it's verysimilar.

(17:50):
Why are you laughing?

Angie Yu (17:51):
Oh, because Christie is a dietician.
There's no such thing as good orbad food.

Really?
Okay.

Kristy Yee (17:57):
have a whole other conversation

Sure, but I mean, you understand this, right?
Like the, where the food and thedrugs effect part of the limbic
system, so does sex.
So from a biological standpoint,it's designed the same way
almost.
So, you know, we've put this lidon it in terms

Angie Yu (18:12):
Okay

not talking about it, even though it's sex
probably the thing that most ofus think about the most and,
and, you know, talk about theleast in terms of that ratio,
right?
Like there's literally nothingelse we think about that much
spend, invest as much time andmoney in make a priority in our
life and our relationships.

(18:33):
And yet we do not talk about itin public, in groups, you know,
like literally everything elseyou spend this much time
thinking about, you can have anopen conversation with, but when
it's

Angie Yu (18:44):
Mm

or porn or whatever else it's shamed upon,
you know, especially in ourcommunity.
so I thought, I don't know whereI just went on that tangent.
I apologize for that.

Angie Yu (18:52):
no, it's okay

Kristy Yee (18:52):
apologize.
This is like a conversation.
Right.
And I agree with this is a wholenew way for me to think about
sex.
So I need to process it, but Ithink you're right.
Like whenever we try to taboo,I's something with sex it's most
of it comes from religion.
Right?

Yeah

Kristy Yee (19:09):
then you actually end up wanting more of it.
You actually think about itmore.
It's just like what the foodanalogy is.
If you, if you deprive yourselfof certain foods,

Right

Kristy Yee (19:19):
going to crave that food even more.
You're going to want it evenmore.
And then when you go for it, youfeel bad about yourself.
You've you shame yourself?
You're like, oh shit.
You know, I just had all thatmilkshake.
I'd like ate a 10,000 calorie.
I'm using crazy numbers becauseI

right

Kristy Yee (19:33):
real numbers.
and, and then we, we shameourselves because we taboo those
certain.
And it's the same thing withsex.
The more you withhold it, themore you're going to want it,
and then cetera, et cetera.
And then you feel bad foryourself for wanting it,

Even though, I think it's a perfect natural
thing, you know?
And I'm not saying that like,everybody should start having
orgies every day.
Right.
But at the very least kind ofget to a point where if you meet
someone, they say, oh, no, I'mjust going to go out and have
sex tonight.
It's just like, Hey, I'm justgoing to go spinning tonight or
right.

Kristy Yee (20:07):
why it's okay to have a milkshake when you
fucking want a milkshake.
It's all good.

I love milkshakes.

Angie Yu (20:14):
Have you read the book called ethical slut?

no,

Angie Yu (20:17):
read It's from like, first of all, it's from like the
nineties and it, I startedreading it when my last
relationship ended, becausebefore my last relationship
ended, I had actually proposedthe idea of an open release.
And it was turned down by theother person and his words and I
quote was no, I never was.

(20:40):
No, I can never be with youagain, if you sleep with another
guy, which is ironic because heended up cheating on me.
So after that, I was reallyinterested in the whole idea of
what, what separates love andsex.
So I went on this like journeymentally but just by reading
different things.
And one of my friends he's in apolygamous relationship, or he's

(21:04):
sorry, not polygamous.
He's he calls himself at a Paulthe more Pauly more.
Yeah.
which means that it's, he's opento open relationships, he was
the one who recommended thisbook to me.
So I started reading it.
I didn't finish the book becausethe second half of the book is
more so about how to go abouthaving this lifestyle.
Whereas I was more interested inthe why and the psychology

(21:25):
aspect, and like you said, thisevolutionary aspect to it.
It basically talks about why wethink sex is so taboo and why
these other types ofnonconformists non-Christian
relationships are viewed as suchbad things.
All in all the gist of it is itgoes through the different
types.
It goes through how to actuallynavigate being in a poly

(21:48):
relationship.
And the biggest thing that cameout of it.
magical C word communication.
that's why it's called ethicalslut because first of all,
select should not be a bad wordand you can be ethical about it,
like you said.
Yeah.
As long as you're open anddirect and there's respect on
both.

And look, I don't think open relationships are for
everyone.
I'm not even sure if it's rightfor me, you know, like
ironically, I've, haven't soughtout much now than I did when I
was in a monogamousrelationship.
Cause like, you know, it's like,if somebody says you can't have
this cookie, you wanted thecookie, then if somebody puts
the cookie there, you're kind oflike, well, I'd rather just have

(22:30):
something healthier that makesme happier.
Right.
And obviously it comes withmaturity and age and stuff like
that as well.
it's, it's weird that at thispoint I like I've had goals on
my place and I ended up justbeing like, no, I don't really
want to do it.
You know, whereas like before Ifelt like they're on my place
and I have to kind of do this,you know, and just to kind of
like release that urge.

(22:51):
So it it's been an interestingjourney.
I don't know what I want.
I think monogamy is beautiful.
I think if you can get to 70 ina monogamous relationship,
there's a ton of upside in that,you know, but I don't come from
a healthy, happy family.
I've

Angie Yu (23:04):
Okay

had that imprinted in me.
you

Angie Yu (23:05):
Hmm

what the upsides that of that are as you and I
have talked about this a littlebit.
Right.
You know, and once again, I likethe company of women, we're
figuring this out one day at atime.

Angie Yu (23:16):
Yeah.

Kristy Yee (23:17):
I

Right

Kristy Yee (23:17):
takeaway here is that we shouldn't be shaming
people for their preferences weshouldn't be shaming concept.
we

Angie Yu (23:26):
Mm

Kristy Yee (23:27):
sex in general.
So collectively we're all so shyabout it and nobody talks about
it.
And then food, because that wasmentioned, we shamed certain
foods.
in return we feel like we arethe bad people when we eat these
foods.
So feel like we're the badpeople when we don't conform to
what is considered acceptablewhen it comes with sex and

(23:49):
relationships,

Yeah.
Which is a shame.

Kristy Yee (23:51):
and I think it's like, okay, we should just stop
shaming all of that, becauseeverybody's going to want
different things.
And maybe you want differentthings in different parts of
your life, in a different stage.
Maybe you're like very down withhaving an open relationship,
later in life.

Right.

Kristy Yee (24:07):
you've learned more and now you are so much better
at communicating with people andet cetera, et cetera.

Angie Yu (24:12):
Going to bring it back to your ice cream analogy is
like, Hey, if you love vanilla,great, me personally, vanilla is
my favorite flavor.
And also vanilla is expensivenow with all the theft
Madagascar vanilla beans.
Anyway, I digress.
but if somebody else likesbubble gum, I don't like bubble
gum, but I'm not going to shamethe other person for liking
bubble gum or chocolate chipmint, chocolate mint, mint,

(24:36):
chocolate chip, et cetera, likeyou said.
And sometimes it's just abouttrying different flavors until
you go, okay, well, I don't likethis, but I might like that or
that or that.
And we should be the same aboutlifestyle.
Same way about career choicesand same way about sex and
relationships.
It's just basically respectother people's choices.

Yeah.
Yeah.
I agree.
And I think, you know, with whatyou said earlier with the guy
thing, It's a huge problem withmen because I'm going through
this firsthand.
It's like the amount ofinsecurity and vulnerability
that we do not deal with from ayoung age when it comes to
things like sex is reallyterrifying.
Cause I.
You know, the, the girl I'm withkind of, she sh she was seeing

(25:16):
someone else maybe like twomonths ago.
And I just realized that thatmade me feel pretty insecure,
you know, and, and like, I hadzero ways to deal with that.
aside from just kind of learningto what, what, what is this
right?
But, you know, and, and I liketo think I'm someone who is
pretty in tune with my emotions,pretty accepting open-minded I
understand that this is, youknow, the situation, and yet I

(25:41):
still felt not great.
I, you know, it's just, you feelinsecurity feeling inadequate.
then that also goes away onceyou process it and you, you
learn to separate.
I think the key for me waslearning that my me loving you
is independent of what you do.
Right.
It it's my choice.
And it's my choice to accept youI'm at a place now where I'm

(26:03):
comfortable with myself.
I know who I am.
So even if you hurt me or if youdo something that hurts me, you
know, it's, it's my choice.
And if it gets to a point whereit's unhealthy, I trust myself
to be able to kind of recognizethat, know, and we have a very
respecting and opencommunicating relationship these
days.
We're probably more monogamousand open, you know, but we're
seeing how it goes.

(26:24):
It's just, if it's this hard forme, I can imagine how hard it
would be for, for men who do notwork on this.
Like for guys who say thingslike I can never be with you.
If you see someone else, likethat's just fucking immature

Angie Yu (26:36):
yeah absolutely

you're being a little right.

Angie Yu (26:40):
Being a little bitch.
I'm just kidding

You know

Kristy Yee (26:42):
of that was like them deflecting because they
were doing something behind yourback.

right.
I mean, what's that saying?
Liars always think you're lyingbecause they're lying.

Angie Yu (26:52):
Yeah.

all of a sudden you think that like, oh, every
time you go away, you'recheating or whatever.

Angie Yu (26:57):
But bringing it back to how you got through these
insecurities, you said like youprocess them, how did you
process.

I'm not sure I'm through them, to be honest with
you, you know, we're, we'restill working on it.
like, I think for me, it's alittle different because I'm,
I'm a very sexually open personand I'm, I'm pretty detached.
Like, and I don't have anyissues with my significant other
sleeping with other people.
quite the opposite actually,probably, but there is still a
very, think evolutionary traitof trust being broken when

(27:29):
something like that happens thatis just encoded in our DNA.
You just got to realize thatthis is what you sign up for and
that this will go away.
It's just like with all pain,you know, when you're at the
gym, this is going to go away.
I fast, sorry, Christie.
I don't know if you're a profasting, but,

Kristy Yee (27:41):
Mm

you know, when I'm fasting, sometimes, you know,
the, I understand hunger istemporary, you know, and it

Angie Yu (27:47):
Yeah

away.
Right.
So it's, I meditate.
I, and I understand that thisfeeling that I have right now is
not a part of me, you know, andI'm able to kind of see it.
And while this moment sucks,there are going to be a point
where this moment will pass.

Angie Yu (28:03):
You literally described therapy

do this?

Angie Yu (28:05):
The good part of the first year of me in therapy was
learning how to process myemotions instead of just they're
not there.
Just being like, yeah.
Okay.
This is what I'm feeling.
And this is natural.
And the thing is like, I thinkin our community, like the way
we were raised is to be like,oh, I feel something, get the
fuck outta here.
I don't feel I'm strong.
I don't need to feel feelings.
And

yeah,

Angie Yu (28:25):
it's, it's very toxic.
And then in Western society,even though that's not as
prevalent as it is in Asiancommunities, it's still very
present for the men in theWestern

It's

Angie Yu (28:36):
as well It's so toxic and it's toxic for everyone.
of course it hurts women, but italso hurts the men themselves.
Well, so

Yeah.

Angie Yu (28:44):
I want to know, like, how did you get to that place
where you're able to do all thiswithout therapy?

Oh, that's a good question.
I would say I hit a low pointmaybe.
Two years ago, you know, like,like a low, low, and I was in an
unhappy relationship.
much heavier than I am now byabout 20 pounds.
You know, I've always been likesub 10% body fat my entire life,
you know?
And

Angie Yu (29:08):
Yeah

you hit your late twenties, that changes and
obviously your physical dietaryhabits affect you mentally, as
Kristy knows, obviously I wasjust really unhappy.
it started with that.
It started with me finding thisis gonna sound really silly.
it started with me findingbattles.
I can win every morning and thatare little things like, and I'm
not the most clean person.

(29:29):
Like, let me start there.
Right.
But I got rid of my ah yeeandit's just like doing the dishes.

Angie Yu (29:35):
for those don't know, I E is Mandarin auntie, but
they're usually like the matesor the the house cleaners, the
Combs Kong cooks and stuff.

Yeah, I know no one is Shanghai cleans
themselves because you paysomebody 10 bucks to come clean
your apartment for three hoursonce a week.
Right?
So it was little things likethat.
It's like once I make the coffeepouring the beans away, it's
making my bed.
It's, it's doing law.
Like, for me, what really stuckwas exercise and diet.
The fasting thing actuallyreally changed my life in many
ways.
You know, once I, my body isvery responsive.

(30:07):
These days I can get in and outof fast, quick, and it's almost
like a second year I go into,know, and once you realize that
once you realize that, like youcan shave 10 pounds off
systematically over time, know,you can't actually do it in one
day.
You have to do it over time.
Once you realize that you canstart applying that to other
things, you know, including yourmental health, right.

(30:29):
And just understanding that yourmental health isn't a light
switch.
You might feel shitty about thisbreakup or how you talk to women
my situation at least, thatisn't going to get fixed
overnight.
It's going to get fixed the nexttime I'm with a woman, you know,
I work on her then, and then thetime after that, and then Tinder
match and then et cetera, etcetera, you know, and, and work
obviously helped as

Angie Yu (30:49):
Yeah

But for me, it's been a two year process of just
understanding that what controlso many things.
The only thing I really controlis my attitude.
And even that I can't controlmost of the time, to be honest
with you.
and, and this sounds stupid.
I try to be grateful.
You know, if this podcast even,and over two years, it's really
worked.

(31:09):
it also helped that I foundsomething that I want to do for
the rest of my life, which isfilm.
I have a strong purpose.
I have a very strong north starand it's just all kind of
aligned.
I mean, I started my firstcompany at 23.
One of the things I learned is,is you really do not control
macro trends.
Right.
Like this entire Asian waveright now that you guys are
writing as well.
You don't control that.
So, you know, you can onlyrecognize things when they

(31:30):
happen.
then you can decide whether youwant to take action and whether
you want to reinforce thataction positively to the point
where it becomes a habit,

Angie Yu (31:37):
Yeah.
again, the things that you havebeen describing, the steps you
have taken to kind of getyourself out of those dark
spots.
That's like exactly.
Well, not maybe not word forword, but those are the general
ideas of what, how to getyourself out of depression Like
you go to therapy and they tellyou to start a little bit at a
time.
The first one of the firstthings I learned was like

(31:58):
motivation does not equalaccess.
can't just sit around, waitingfor motivation to come.
Action equals motivation.
So if you start doing the littlethings, you're like, okay, I'm
going to put away half of mylaundry.
that's going to be, my goal isjust put away half of it before,
you know, it you've put away allof it because that's you, once
you start doing it, you mightfeel the urge to do more.

(32:18):
Or like, I'm just going to putthe dishes in the sink instead
of just letting it lie aroundthe whole apartment.
Just like little things likethat will start getting you,
getting you going once you're inthat really dark hole.
And then same thing, like whatyou said about like, oh, I don't
like the way I talk to women.
I'm going to practice how to dothat properly.
And people think going totherapy will fix you.

(32:38):
No, no, no.
It doesn't.
You'll learn strategies.
You'll learn coping mechanismsyou'll learn tools, but it
really comes down to thosepractices.
Like what you have done foryourself, Steven.
Like, you're like, okay, well,the next time this happens, I'm
going to.

Kristy Yee (32:50):
And if it also comes down to like, are you willing to
in that, that work in thateffort and that reflection piece
of it?
So in therapy, like, you know,like Angie said it's the tools,
it's the strategies, but you'regiven the tools, but you also
need to like, use them.
want to believe that it's goingto work in that it's going to

(33:11):
help you

Yeah

Kristy Yee (33:12):
work doesn't have to be like a hustle.
It doesn't have to be a grind.
It's just, it was like, know,last month I was in a really
deep depression pit and I tooktime off work.
I was off social media and I wasjust in bed.
And if I could get up and take ashower, then that's my win for
the day.

I look, I, I think that's great, you know, and I
think that is okay.
there's, there's another part ofthis that I think a lot of
people really fall trap to,which is when shit goes wrong
and shit will go wrong.
If you, if you try to work onyourself, right.
shit goes wrong, when you havethe milkshake, it's really
important to learn, to not bethat hard on yourself.
if you are really hard onyourself in that moment, you're

(33:53):
not going to do it again thenext day, right?
You're not, you're notreinforcing that.
You know, if you have amilkshake and metrics are
already gone, you already drankit.
There's really not much else youcan do about it.
You know?
So whether that's just relapsingin general, whatever that means
to you, you got to learn to, tobe nicer to yourself, although
Christie, I will say, I kind ofdo want to challenge that last
point a bit and maybe this isjust a personality thing.

(34:15):
So how I address things likethat is, you know, I think I'm a
little different because I'm avery goal oriented person.
Incredibly fucking impatient,

Kristy Yee (34:27):
Yeah

which is probably not a good thing.
you know, but I, when I havethose moments, I actually get
more depressed, you know, and,and I'm really curious to see
whether or not this is, causeI've heard guys do it my way
more and girls do it your waymore.
I don't know if it's a genderthing at all, or if it's just a
personality thing, the idea ofI'm having a bad day, I just
want to lie in bed for a bit.

(34:49):
Really makes it sound much worsefor me.
So is there like a range herefor you or is that just a
situation?

Kristy Yee (34:57):
okay So once upon a time would feel really shit.
And I sometimes still do, like,

Hmm

Kristy Yee (35:04):
happy, like if I'm in that state of mind, I will
feel really bad because I willwatch the sun go down and be
like, there's a fucking daywasted.
And I Like what, what the fuckdid I accomplish today?
And then there'll be a lot ofshame talk.
you weren't productive.
You were useless.
You could have done a, B, C, Dblah, blah, blah.
And, and I F I would actuallyhave a physical manifestation of

(35:28):
not feeling well.
Like, I will feel very groggy.
You know how, like, when youoversleep you feel groggy,

Yeah

Kristy Yee (35:33):
that times like a thousand, right.
When depressed.
I'll feel super groggy.
I'll sometimes feel nauseatedbecause I've been in bed all day
and I haven't, you know, breathein fresh air or and you will
feel very lethargic and justlike, oh, like just blah.
So that's, how I would generallyfeel if I'm like in bed all day

(35:54):
now, where I'm at in my mentalhealth journey is I've
recognized that, okay, this ismy depression.
acting up.
I don't need to shame myself.
For having this situationhappening right now, because
that's what I would

Yeah

Kristy Yee (36:09):
do.
I wouldn't be like, oh my God,you suck.
Like, just get up and like dosomething.

Okay

Kristy Yee (36:13):
but when my depression is there, like it,
it's very hard to do somethingbecause you

Angie Yu (36:19):
Okay

Kristy Yee (36:19):
have the mental capacity to do it.
what I do instead now is givemyself that space and compassion
and say, okay, this is happeningand allow myself take the time
off because that's what myillness needs.
And that in itself actuallytakes more work.

I believe that.
And I, you know, sorry, I don'tmean to discredit or whatever.
I was just curious cause Ihandled this so very different
than that.
Right.
You know, like.
For me, I think having grown upwith sports, I've always kind of
had that outlet and, you know,the reason why I like exercise
so much as it did the physical,the immediate response you get
from it.
Right.

Angie Yu (36:57):
Okay

know, like in your brain, at least chemically the
immediate response you get fromit.
And I guess I'm just a bigbeliever in, in kinetic
solutions or, you know, kinetictherapy where, how you move.
And I, I completely understand,there are days when you just,
you do not want to move, youknow?
but it's interesting to hearthis because I think I probably
need to be a little moreempathetic with how my mom
handles this.
She probably had was this closerto, to how you handle this?

(37:19):
then how I, because every time Ijust tell her, I was like, just
fucking go for a run.
I'm just like, I hate running,

Angie Yu (37:24):
Yeah

I guess for me, it was just in coded from a young
age.
Yeah.

Angie Yu (37:27):
says that to me too

Kristy Yee (37:28):
different, ice cream flavor, right?

exactly

Kristy Yee (37:30):
be really great for you because now you're
physically moving, you'rebreathing fresh air.
endorphins are being pumped out.

Right.

Kristy Yee (37:36):
that's what you need.
But maybe for mom, it'ssomething else.

The important thing here is that we have this
conversation because otherwise,if you don't have this
conversation, I just look at youand be like, why are you so
fucking lazy?
Just like, don't be and move.
Right.
And if we

Angie Yu (37:49):
Yup

you look at me and like, why are you such an ass?
So I just leave me alone.
I just need my moment, know,

Angie Yu (37:54):
Yeah.
When your reality, you're tryingto help her, but like again,
like everyone experiences.
Things differently.
And does it like, even if youboth have depression, the way
you handle depression will bedifferently.
And I don't know, maybe it is agender thing, because I remember
reading about this when I waslike in grade 12 or something
like that.
I think it was a study done by,I want to say Malcolm Gladwell,

(38:17):
but I'm really not sure is thatwomen tend to blame themselves
internally when something goeswrong in their life.
And men tend to blame externalthings.

okay

Angie Yu (38:26):
And I can see that being very true in the
conversations I've had with justmy friends.
I know that that's not a goodsample size, but, anecdote and
they totally has always been thecase for, I think, where the
blame comes from.
And I don't know if that's trueor not.

Yeah.
I mean, look, I'm sure youdon't, you can't fit everyone
the same category.
Right.
You know, I probably relate tothe, to the women more in that
aspect, but that's because I wasraised by

Angie Yu (38:52):
yeah

watching fucking channel 19 women's network.
My entire teenage years, everytime he came home from school,
it would be

Angie Yu (38:59):
19

Phil, then Oprah then the bachelor, in that
order.

Angie Yu (39:07):
it shopping channel.
Wasn't it the shopping trip

woman's network,

Angie Yu (39:10):
really.
Okay.
I didn't know that

Kristy Yee (39:13):
Yeah.
I watched all the the, fashionshow, not like fashion shows,
not like Victoria secret, but Imean like the ones where you,
you go out shopping and likethey fashion things.
Yeah.
the home decor

Yeah.
The two gay yeah,

Kristy Yee (40:02):
do want to ask you about one thing you mentioned
your openness to sexuality andopen relationships, and then
offline, you also mentioned youhad many sexual escapades.

Don't say that.
I don't think I said that

Kristy Yee (40:17):
said escapades.

Angie Yu (40:18):
You said, you said that in the form where we asked,
is there anything that you don'ttell your mom and you're like a
law I'm pretty close to my mom.
The only thing I don't talk toher about as my many sexual
escapades or something likethat.
Yeah.
Sexual

Pretty sure.
I did not use the wordescapades, but okay.
Let's pretend like,

Angie Yu (40:34):
Yes you

Kristy Yee (40:35):
it's

Angie Yu (40:35):
Oh yes did

Kristy Yee (40:37):
for

okay.

Angie Yu (40:37):
we did.
You did.

Yeah.
What is it that you would liketo ask about that?

Angie Yu (40:42):
us

I less escapades recently then, then in my mid
twenties, I would say, I thinkin my mid twenties, I was
probably a little more open, Ithink sexually now I'm at a
point where, like, I know what Iwant.
I know what turns me on.
I know, you know, what I'mcomfortable with, where I'm not
comfortable with, maybe only onmid twenties it was motorcycle.
Sure.
Let's try this.
You know, so it's, it's.

(41:05):
I don't know what I can andcannot say on air.
So I would

Kristy Yee (41:08):
anything

Angie Yu (41:08):
you didn't say anything.
This whole is explicit.

what

Angie Yu (41:12):
every episode explicit

Is that what you want or, or, or what,

Kristy Yee (41:17):
What are horror stories related to sex Now?
I really want to know.

the, the weirdest one, the weirdest fetish I've
encountered was a girl whoenjoys feeding.
she enjoyed feeding you whileshe was on top of you.
So, you know, the guy would belike propped up against the bed,
rest sitting, and then she willliterally be straddling you and
feeding you a slice of cake orpizza.
so, but like, you can't stayhard doing that.
Well, at least I couldn't, youknow, and, and it's just

(41:44):
uncomfortable.
yeah, I've, I've looked, I'vedone a fair amount of shit.
I want to say, some of which I'mnot super proud of, but, you
know,

Angie Yu (41:53):
as long consensual con.
Yeah.

yeah.
Consensual.
Yeah, I think much all of it wasConstable

Kristy Yee (42:00):
Dot, dot,

Okay I studied porn a lot.
Like I, I really study porn alot and I think one of the
fastest growing sectors is thislike a consensual nonconsensual
type of category.
don't know if you're familiarwith this, basically it's like
rape fantasies, but as acategory, you know, because

Angie Yu (42:17):
Yeah

you actually, the way the internet works, that you
could, you couldn't look up theword rape in

Angie Yu (42:21):
Hmm

PornHub or wherever else you downloaded
before, because it was justautomatically blacklisted and
blocked.
cause it's a crime, right?

Angie Yu (42:28):
Yeah

so there's this category nowadays called
consensual nonconsensual.
That is essentially role-playingrape.
so that's what I was reflectingthrough, but I think that it's
considered

Angie Yu (42:37):
Consensual nonconsensual I see

Kristy Yee (42:39):
then I think

Angie Yu (42:40):
Okay

Kristy Yee (42:41):
because like the two parties or three, however many
parties is involved agreed thatthis is going to happen.

Angie Yu (42:48):
So that's why it's called consensual nonconsensual
can't say consoles consensualrape.

But obviously a lot of times that isn't even
like sexual, you know, likethere's a lot of stuff these
days where there is, it's reallyless about the actual
penetration aspect of food.

Kristy Yee (43:01):
But sexual doesn't have to be like penetration.

No, not at

Angie Yu (43:05):
He just said that.

Yeah.
As I said in a lot of like

Kristy Yee (43:10):
well today.

In the CNC category.
There's a lot of stuff thatisn't penetration.
Like when most people think oflike consensual non-central or
like rape porn and they think oflike actual rape, a lot of that
is not like a lot of stuff inthe categories actually just
like office play shit like that.
Or, you know, like arousal, likeeverything that leads up to it,

(43:31):
because I actually think theconcept of rape fantasy, isn't
so much about the, thepenetration aspect as it is the
attention and everything leadingup to it.
for a lot of women, at least

Angie Yu (43:39):
Yeah.
That's why women are alwaysasking for more foreplay.

Yeah.
it does

Angie Yu (43:47):
What is the big sign of out

Kristy Yee (43:49):
that sounded like a very tired side

Angie Yu (43:52):
like, it's like, if your girlfriend asked you to
take out the garbage, okay.
I'll do it.

Yeah.
It's, it's a little.
Four plays nice when it's in theright mood or setting.
I just think for most men it's,it's not a priority, you know,
and

Angie Yu (44:08):
In one of the first few episodes of friends the, the
boys were like, well, we camefor the main show, not the
comedian.
That's warming up the crowd orsomething.
And then women were like, youknow, the show's over women just
want to go back to the comedian,but we're just trying to stay
awake in traffic, going home.
And then the women are like,well, if you don't bring back

(44:30):
the comedian, then next timeyou'll find yourself listening
to that album alone at home.
So I thought that was prettyfunny Yeah,

Yeah.
I mean, it's a good metaphor,right?
Having opener in the headliners.
I think foreplay's important,but it's, it's just don't think
guys care about it too much,unfortunately.

Kristy Yee (44:44):
is really unfortunate.
And, and maybe that's abiological thing, you know.

Angie Yu (44:48):
Oh, yeah.
Men are like, let me get my seedinside you before the male comes
along and get his seat

Kristy Yee (44:55):
now.

Yeah.
I think actually it's probablydo with porn, to be honest with
you, because I

Angie Yu (45:03):
Okay

evolutionary, we're probably designed the same
way, you know, like foreplay is,know, building trust
essentially.
Right.
It's whether it is.
but I think porn came along andI was really programmed men, my
generation to not evenunderstand what it is, what it
does.
Right.
Because with porn, you're notwatching.
probably a part of it.

Kristy Yee (45:24):
That's a good point.
And you said men in ourgeneration,

Angie Yu (45:28):
Sorry

Kristy Yee (45:28):
I haven't thought

Angie Yu (45:29):
Is it because we're not watching the foreplay
because the acting is so good.

No, I just don't think most men watch porn like
that.
If you watch where the, like themost viewed points are, it's
usually during like ejaculationmoments or, you know, like the
immediately leading up topenetration moments, those are
usually the highest frequenciesof viewers.
so it's very like, the rightword, transaction driven, know,
it's either in or it'sfinishing, if that makes sense

Angie Yu (45:56):
Yeah.
Sorry, Christie.
I totally cut you off earlier,but this was hilarious.
I'm glad we did

probably going to regret this podcast one day.
Aren't I.

Angie Yu (46:05):
No, absolutely not.

Kristy Yee (46:08):
I was thinking about how you said, you know,

okay

Kristy Yee (46:12):
our generation being influenced by porn And it gets
affected into the bedroom.
I wonder if people in ourgeneration have a disadvantage
because we grew up, we were likethe first generation to grow up
with the internet.
we had way more access

Angie Yu (46:27):
Okay

Kristy Yee (46:27):
porn than the previous generation.
And I wondered if our perceptionof sex is way more fucked up of
it.

Yeah.
So the early studies on thishave already come out, you know,
cause we spent about 20 years.
Right.
You know, we've had agenerational study done on this.
It's really affected a lot ofmen my age, but myself included
probably, you know,

Angie Yu (46:45):
Hm

does not just physically in

Angie Yu (46:47):
Okay

like performance, but also mentally in terms of
expectations.
And also like literallyeverything, you know it's porn
is good in many ways and inother ways it's really terrible,
know, it's like a double-edgedsword in my opinion.
it's a necessary evil almost.

Angie Yu (47:04):
Yeah.
I think for women, the, the harmthat's done for women is that a
lot of women are also thinkingabout performance and thinking
about how they look rather thanjust enjoying themselves.
And yeah, it goes both ways.
Like if the trust isn't reallythere, then you're both trying
to be like a fantasy version ofwhat you think the other wants.

(47:24):
Again expectation

with women and sometimes it's, it's actually, I
really don't like it, you know,like, at least from my side of
these, I can really feel when a,when a girl is much more about
how she looks or what I think ofher in that moment, rather than
just being in the moment, know?
and I think porn's probablyplayed a part in that
definitely.

Kristy Yee (47:42):
I can speak for just myself.
That that's exactly how porn hasaffected me.
women watched porn as well.
And, most of my sexual educationfrom

Yeah

Kristy Yee (47:54):
Accessible

That's probably the best thing that's come out
from porn actually is, is thebroader education that it's
brought for both men.

Angie Yu (48:03):
and bad.

Yeah, good enough

Kristy Yee (48:05):
Because I've what I've learned from porn is to be
performative.
And I think it has really skewedthe way that I feel about sex
itself it's just, not so much aconnection between two people or
sharing pleasures.
It's just performing all thetime.

Yeah.
mean, very sorry to hear that.
understand it's something that Istruggled with a lot as well.
I think for now, for me, it's alittle different just because I
guess I have sex a littledifferently these days.
but it's, I think there's somegood, important, we're just,
we're we're not doing it thoughthe right

Angie Yu (48:39):
Okay

right now, I'll change.

Kristy Yee (48:41):
So you mentioned like, you probably felt that way
when you were younger, but nowyou're older, you know, you know
more about what you want andyou're having sex in different

Angie Yu (48:49):
yeah

Kristy Yee (48:49):
and you're experiencing it in a different
way than you had when you werein your early twenties.
How did that shift come about?

It, the starter in a relationship, you know, I
would say my, my ex you know, webroke up about two years ago.
We're still, actually, this isthe only ex that I'm, I'm on
good terms with.
but she was probably the firstone where I was fully
comfortable being myselfsexually.
And that actually made merealize that that's okay.
You know, like what turns me onand how I get turned on is okay.

(49:17):
Cause it also turned her on, youknow, and then I started being
more like that once we broke upwith other women as well.
And then eventually it just gotto a point where like, I really,
at this point in my life do notwant to hook up with girls
random.
Like there's, there's verylittle pleasure.
I personally derived from that,you know, no matter how hard
they are, I would much rather,that's something to do with the

(49:38):
fact that I don't like sex orwhatever, but I would much
rather invest some proper timeand energy in making sure that
what I want is also what youwant, you know, and that as a
good fit and we care about eachother and there's trust, you
know?
So it, it built up slowly,gradually like that.
Just basically having shittiersex and realizing that this just
really isn't worth my time orenergy, you know?

(49:59):
And like I said, even right nowwith this girl, I'm seeing, I've
had girls over where I'massuming they're here at 10:00
PM because they are down to getnaked, but you know, it just,
wasn't in the right mood.
And you know, these areattractive women obviously, but
yeah, you just, you set higherstandards for yourself and
you're clear with what you wantand you're okay with it.
Right.

Angie Yu (50:18):
And I think that's one of the things that we kind of
adapt to as we get older Andwhat you had exactly described
about what you want out of yoursex life sounds exactly like it
can be applicable to arelationship.
And I guess why sex andrelationship are like, they go
hand in hand because yeah, youhave to make sure what you want
is what the other person wants.

(50:38):
You have to respect each other'sdifferences and find
similarities.
And it's all about trust andcommunication.

right?
That's cool.
Hey, I'm really glad we got totalk about this today, man.
This was fun.
I didn't know where this wasgoing to go.
I wasn't sure you guys weregoing to be

Angie Yu (50:51):
I like the topic porn.
I think that needs to be talkedabout more.

Kristy Yee (50:54):
Okay.

So I probably, my second documentary I want to
make is probably going to beimportant.
It's probably going to be withAsian women in porn.
there's a lot of reallyinteresting stuff happening
recently.
probably

Angie Yu (51:04):
I've started see like the Chinese stuff pop up.

Oh, okay.
I wasn't even talking aboutthat.
I was just talking about

Angie Yu (51:09):
Oh okay

the Chinese stuff pops up too.
I mean, there has to be right.
Like if Chinese people weren'thorny there wouldn't be this
like 1.6 billion of them,

Angie Yu (51:16):
No, I know.
But before it never like, like,it was never like on the first
page, like, I don't thinkanybody's searching for like
mainland Chinese porn.
You know what It's always likehot Asian gets pounded by two
black D I don't know.

Yeah.
That's usually what it is.

Angie Yu (51:33):
but it's like, but now it's like, Hey, you can watch.
Cause we talked about this in, Ithink episode either 17 or 18
with Karen from another podcastthat we had on our show from MX
Asian-American.
And we talked about that and shesaid, because she's Chinese,
even though she has spent mostof her life here in north
America, she prefers watchinglike, like Chinese porn.

(51:55):
And she says, now it's become somuch more accessible because I
guess, because there's moredemand for it.
There's more supply for it.
So

Yeah.
And people are

Angie Yu (52:03):
yeah

open, you know, but think for me, the
interesting part was kind ofseeing maybe over the last 12 to
18 months, you have had amassive influx of young Asian
American girls go into porn,over the last like five years or
so, you really had a stagnant,you know, once Assa, Akira kind
of left the industry and Elaineand Lee as well a good five
years, he had no Asian girls init, you know?

Angie Yu (52:24):
Why is there a sudden influx of it?

no, this is probably what I wanted to do a
documentary about.
cause there, there was a hugeAsian population Asian girls in
porn in the late nineties andearly two thousands.
at that's the time where thatshit was super racist, like

Angie Yu (52:38):
Yeah

racist, you know,

Angie Yu (52:40):
Yeah I can imagine

Yeah.
Whereas now it's like a littlemore subtle racist, know it's
true.
Nobody racist.

Angie Yu (52:47):
before it was like, yes, it was genocide And now
it's microaggression flippingyou

Yeah.
So you had this like five-yearperiod where you have very few
mainstream, you know, Asiangirls and over the last like 16
months and they're still poppingup, you know, and I don't know,
it's something I really want toget into because I think Asian
women are probably the mostobjectified gender plus
ethnicity in porn followed byAfrican-American males, know?
it's just, it's a reallyinteresting thing for me, at

(53:17):
least, I don't know.

Angie Yu (53:18):
Yeah.
And there's a reason why thosetwo are the most popular
demographic, I guess, on datingapps is because yeah, so they
did a study and Asian women arethe most swiped for and black
men are the most swipe for Asianmen are the least swipe for and
black women are the least swipedfor yeah, they did that.

(53:40):
I think that was in the U S thatwas in the U S and it's like,
yes, there's definitely acorrelation between that and
porn.

Hmm.
Interesting.
don't know that I would thinkthat white guys would still hold
the hold the top spot, but Iguess not.

Angie Yu (53:52):
I don't know.
Maybe when I have no idea, likeThis is a study that was done.
I think it was done in the U Sso

Hmm.
Interesting.

Angie Yu (54:00):
yeah.

Kristy Yee (54:01):
Well, it was really great to have you on Steven

sure.

Kristy Yee (54:04):
sharing us all of your sexual escapades.
and honestly, it's, it's likeopening up that conversation.
And just even, you know, bytalking about you being in an
open relationship and, but like,not really, it's just, we didn't
go into the details of it, butbecause it was mentioned, then

Sure

Angie Yu (54:21):
anybody Yeah

Kristy Yee (54:22):
get stuck.

Angie Yu (54:23):
Yeah And I hope anybody

part, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like I, I'm not saying I'm doingthis to great success right now.
Right.
But you know, it's somethingwe're trying out

Angie Yu (54:33):
And I wanted to say that we're not here to kink
shame.
So Steven, when you said that,like, oh, the weirdest thing
that had happened was this womanwho wanted to feed you, it was
weird for Steven because hedoesn't enjoy it.

Yeah.

Angie Yu (54:44):
yeah.
so

I couldn't stay hard.
Exactly.
So I'm

Angie Yu (54:47):
yeah exactly Yeah

It's like, it's something to do with, with women
who is like a maternal type offetish thing, you know, same
reason.
Some people have like footfetish and stuff.
It's something about feedingthat, so arousal there, it's
just

Angie Yu (55:00):
Yeah,

to

Angie Yu (55:02):
no kink shaming

hard is it's hard to, it turns out

Angie Yu (55:07):
I thought it was cake.
What about milkshake?
You love milkshakes though.

I think milkshake would be easier to do, but like
for her it was, it was like theliteral process of the feeding.
Like it was, know,

Kristy Yee (55:19):
mouth

It wasn't what slice to mouth is.
Right.
It wasn't so much like watchingme eat or, you know, knowing
like it was like literally this,this motion of feeding.

Angie Yu (55:28):
Yeah.

Yeah.
Yeah thank you so

Angie Yu (55:31):
Yeah

me on this podcast.
Christie, we gotta get youonline whenever you have time
and we can save that dietconversation for them.
Cause we can, I would love to gointo that.

Angie Yu (55:38):
yeah, that'll be fun.

thank you so much.

Kristy Yee (55:40):
thanks again.
Okay.
Dokies.
it is feel good feedback time.
And if you hear clicking it'sbecause I just went to a new
tab.
This is live everybody.
We have a comment today from oneof our poop troops, And they

(56:00):
said, I love that.
You're both honest about what,oh my gosh.
This font is too small for me,for my poor little eyes.
They said, I love that.
You're both honest about whatthings are hard for you to talk
about, and then you do itanyways.
I think normalizing thesedifficult conversation is an
important part of having themsmiley face.
thank you, Isabelle for writingthat in, because that's the

(56:23):
whole reason why we do thispodcast so that we can normalize
the difficult conversationsbecause we should just be having
them so that they're notdifficult.

Ep 29 Angie FGF (56:33):
That is correct.

Kristy Yee (56:35):
What else is there to say?

I can see you tapping your screen.

Kristy Yee (56:38):
Oh, really?

Yeah.
Because it's moving your cameraand there's like little flash of
light.
Yeah.
Yeah

Kristy Yee (56:51):
anyways send us some love, you know what to do DMS.
Record.
As the voice message or just doit the old school way and send
us an email as shit.
We don't tell mom because welove to hear the field good
feedbacks because it makes usfeel good and share the love
guys.
Show the love.

All Episodes

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

Stuff You Should Know

The Joe Rogan Experience

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

.css-15opob5{left:0;position:absolute;top:0.8rem;} All Episodes

.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}29. Judging Our Life Choices: Cultural Identities and Love vs. Sex ft. Stephen Yuan

Episode Transcript

Popular Podcasts

.css-r6mb8g{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:1;overflow:hidden;}Stuff You Should Know

The Joe Rogan Experience

On Purpose with Jay Shetty

All Episodes

29. Judging Our Life Choices: Cultural Identities and Love vs. Sex ft. Stephen Yuan

Stuff You Should Know