October 17, 2021 • 36 mins
Kristy discusses coping mechanisms for anxiety. What helps us vs. what makes it worse. Moving to a new city is not turning out to be the way she expected and she feels incredibly overwhelmed. She sits down with Angie to talk about her experience, and about coping mechanisms for anxiety and what helps us versus what prolongs the impact of it on our day-to-day life.
Takeaway:
- Let yourself feel the physiological effects of anxiety rather than finding ways to suppress it because prolonged suppression of anxiety will magnify its impact
- Breaking down an overwhelming task into smaller items also applies to self-care and to mental health journeys
- If you cannot sit with your anxiety, give yourself an action item to look forward to doing while you allow yourself the time to process
- As cliche, as it is, talking to someone you trust about what you’re going through helps not only your own emotional well-being, but also develops your relationships
Mentions & Resources:
- Beyond Happiness: The Upside of Feeling Down
- The Positive Side to Your Anxiety
- Helpful vs Harmful: Ways to Manage Emotions
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristy Yee (00:00):
And today we are, this is, we are, whoa, my God.
(00:04):
I cannot
Angie Yu (00:30):
Welcome back to another episode of shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:33):
This is Christie.
Today we are, this is, we are,whoa, my God.
I cannot
Angie Yu (00:40):
so Christie, I think Christie's a little bit nervous
because today we are going to betalking about her experience in
Toronto.
Kristy Yee (00:49):
Hi.
Okay.
I want to preface, this isanother, our shit episode where
we talk about our updates on howwe are currently managing our
mental wellbeing.
Dot.dot
Angie Yu (01:05):
Dot.dot
Kristy Yee (01:06):
My mental wellbeing.
Angie Yu (01:07):
her mental well-being her emotional wellbeing, her
physical wellbeing.
Kristy Yee (01:11):
Okay.
So today I want to talk aboutanxiety.
I want to just straight up talkabout today's all about anxiety.
So we're going to talk about myshit, but it's also going to be
an episode on anxiety becauseI'm feeling a fuck ton of
anxiety.
(01:32):
I've moved, but diff varyingdegrees and anxiety for
different things.
I am right now, as I'm sittingin this chair, recording with
you and I am really fuckingnervous and I don't know why we
have been recording forever.
This is season three.
You would think this shit islike, you know, whatevs.
(01:54):
It's like picking up the phoneand calling you.
I'm still like, oh God now.
Laughter.
Okay.
Coping.
My heart rate is, has likesignificantly increased my
fingers and my toes are veryclimbing right now.
And I've been feeling this way,every single day when I wake up.
(02:15):
And generally I feel an extradose when I'm about to jump on a
call or going to a meeting or,you know, go to class it's like
some form of social anxiety, butwhat I really think is I'm
having, I'm experiencing just awhole bunch of underlying
anxiety because I just moved toa new place.
(02:37):
I just started school.
School's fucking overwhelming.
So I have this humming anxietyin the background, and then any
time there's something I have todo.
Like go out and buy groceries ordump on a call with you.
If I have to engage in anactivity, then my baseline level
(03:03):
anxiety, soars, even higher.
Am I making sense?
Does that make sense?
Angie Yu (03:09):
Yeah, it does.
So how do you feel?
Let's say you're at home, you'resitting on the couch, catching
up with your messages and thenyou're like, shit, I need to go
to the grocery store and like 12minutes.
Well, how do you feel?
Kristy Yee (03:23):
So here's the thing.
I don't even engage in thoseactivities very much anymore
because I am constantly doinghomework.
And that's where majority of myanxiety is coming from is coming
from school.
Freaking me out.
And I feel like if I stop to goout and buy groceries, I'm
(03:45):
wasting time.
I could be reading anotherpaper.
You know, if I, if I go and likestop and cook some food, it's
like, I do it out of necessitybecause my body needs
sustenance.
But, but my mind is thinkingabout, I could be reading
another one.
(04:06):
Every single activity that I'mdoing that is outside of school.
I'm like I could be doinghomework and it's a life sucker.
It's like, I cannot think ofanything else besides do
homework.
And if I'm not engaged in somesort of school-related activity,
then my anxiety sores even more.
Angie Yu (04:27):
Is it.
So have you, do you feel thisoften, is this a feeling that
you have felt before?
Or do you think it's just nowbecause.
Kristy Yee (04:36):
I don't recall feeling this in undergrad I have
a couple of theories.
One of them is cause.
We've been talking a lot moreabout mental health.
Being a mental health advocate.
Speaking about mental health, ushaving this podcast, I am so
much more engrossed in thismental wellness space.
So I'm thinking about it all thetime.
(04:57):
And I wonder if that makes me alot more sensitive.
The other one.
So the first one is more likesensitive in a negative way.
The positive effect is somewherealong similar lines, is that
because I'm thinking more aboutit, I'm more aware and more in
tuned with my own feelings andemotions, and I'm giving myself
more space and allowing myselfto feel a lot of these things.
(05:20):
And therefore it's coming out alot more.
So maybe in the past, I didn'tfeel it because there was some
suppression or some just.
Angie Yu (05:28):
You could be.
but it seems like this isbothering you.
Oh a lot more.
Like the way you're talkingabout this is you're coming from
a place of unfamiliarity
Kristy Yee (05:38):
So this year I had, to take time off because I was
hella depressed.
I I'm, I am scared.
I am scared that I'm, I will godown a similar path.
If I cannot find ways to managemy anxiety.
It's different than.
(06:00):
You know what I had experiencedthis year, because that was from
compassion, fatigue.
It was from a whole bunch ofdifferent other variables that
contributed to the depression.
And this time it's like, it'sanxiety that we're talking
about.
Right.
But nonetheless, I'm afraid thatI'm going to go down this path
of scary place.
If I don't find some ways todeal with.
(06:23):
With this anxiety.
And then I started thinking, I'mlike, okay, well, if I'm, if I'm
setting myself up thinking thatI'm going to fail, then I'm
going to fail.
You know, if I keep psychingmyself up that, oh, you're
gonna, you're not gonna be ableto manage this.
Well, like you're gonna havesome mental breakdown halfway
(06:43):
through the semester, then.
I'm a F I'm, I'm afraid ofbecoming a self fulfilling
prophecy.
You know what I mean?
Angie Yu (06:52):
Okay.
Like, your anxiety is comingfrom someplace, like there's
obviously you're scared ofsomething.
Kristy Yee (06:56):
I'm scared.
I can't do the program.
Angie Yu (06:59):
there you go.
Kristy Yee (06:59):
I'm just like so overwhelmed by the amount of
stuff I need to do,
Angie Yu (07:08):
Yeah.
It's literally been like twoweeks of school.
Kristy Yee (07:11):
So here's the thing, like I was thinking about why,
why am I doing grad school?
Angie Yu (07:18):
Ah,
Kristy Yee (07:19):
is the purpose of doing grad school?
Angie Yu (07:22):
Like why did you put yourself into this situation?
Kristy Yee (07:24):
Did I make the right choice?
No.
yes.
I, I think about that and yes, Ido.
I do think I made the rightchoice.
It's still something that I wantto pursue.
It's something that I want to doand I don't regret that at all.
You know, and to see the amountof fucking shit that I have to
do.
(07:44):
Every single day.
I'm like, I don't know if thisis possible, which causes the
anxiety.
Right?
Because now it's like, oh mygosh, my to-do list is a
thousand pages long.
And I don't know now I just, Ijust feel, I just feel like I'm
complaining for the sake ofcomplaining.
Like I feel like I'm just beingsuch a champagne person talking
(08:05):
about first-world problem.
Angie Yu (08:07):
It sounds more like you're trying to organize your
thoughts.
Like you're not complaining,you're trying to figure out what
it is that you actually feel.
You know what I mean?
Like from the, so from.
Kristy Yee (08:19):
Time to think about those things, because I could be
reading a paper.
Angie Yu (08:25):
That's what I mean, like, remember, how much we
talked about like self care andshit like that.
Kristy Yee (08:29):
huh?
I try.
It's not that I don't.
And I recognize the importanceof it.
Like I'm not, I'm probably notdoing it in a very healthy way,
but I still try to find time todo those things.
Like I'm still journaling, forexample, I I'm, I try to do fun
things.
I took a bubble bath the otherday, but I also took a bubble
(08:51):
bath with my laptop.
So I can read a paper while toget.
Angie Yu (08:55):
Yeah, that's not, that's not enough care.
Feels like you're just forcingyourself to journal and take
bubble bath and do logic puzzlesbefore bed,
Kristy Yee (09:03):
I'm trying to do a lot of these things, but.
The degree of stuff that I usedto do for myself compared to how
much I'm doing now is verydifferent.
The ratios are very differentand the quality of self care
activity is also.
Angie Yu (09:24):
Yeah, I was just going to say 13 hours of homework,
plus I don't know what, likefive minutes of journaling does
not seem like it would doanything.
Like, what about seeing friendsor having a good meal or, you
know, having a good meal whereyou're not reading a paper.
How about that?
Kristy Yee (09:45):
I'm trying to figure out what it is that I am
feeling.
I obviously can feel the anxietybecause I wake up with burning
sensations in my stomach, youknow, and in my.
after I eat, that's even worse
Angie Yu (10:01):
Oh,
Kristy Yee (10:02):
food in my body.
Angie Yu (10:03):
Oh, no.
I hate that feeling.
Kristy Yee (10:05):
my GI gets even more like crap.
Angie Yu (10:09):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (10:10):
These are feelings of anxiety.
I recognize them.
They're very similar to the onesthat I would have.
Previously, but those were workinduced and those were imposter
syndrome induced this time.
I don't, I don't feel like I'man imposter.
I don't feel like I like all my.
Value, you know who I am as ahuman being and where my
(10:32):
career's going to go isdependent on this.
I don't feel that because I hadone spelt that when I was trying
to get into the UBC program,which is like, oh my God, if I
don't get in, then like, I, I,what am I going to do with my
life?
You know, it wasn't that type ofanxiety.
It's it's.
I don't know how this is humanlypossible for, for me to do this.
(10:55):
Cause I feel like, unless I putin 13 hours every single day,
like seven days a week, I won'tbe able to complete all the
things that I need to complete.
and like, I'm trying tointroduce all these concepts
that you and I have learned.
In our wellness journey, andpractices that I have started to
(11:16):
do in my workplace, which islike, you know, breaking out my
tasks, inserting differentactivities in between.
Like I used to play tennis aftermeetings or before meetings, and
then I would see clients andthen I will do something else.
And then, you know what I mean?
Like I do that I had a lot moreautonomy in my job.
And then focusing on self careand, and knowing that work,
(11:36):
isn't my life.
And I fully embrace that work isnot my life that I have other
things I care about in my life.
I have my mum, I have all myrelationships.
I have this podcast.
I have like tennis and bikingand choir and singing.
Like, those are all importantthings in my life that I enjoy.
And I want to spend time andenergy on those things too.
(11:57):
And that, that gives me balance.
With grad school.
I don't even know where to findthat ability to insert those
things.
I know that it's not my life andI know that my value.
Isn't tied to it, but I stillwant to do well.
Like I still want to finish theprogram.
Like I'm paying fucking moneyfor this.
You know what I mean?
Like,
Angie Yu (12:17):
Yeah, of course.
Kristy Yee (12:18):
But how do I, envision the rest of this year
and pace myself, but at the sametime, be able to have my
deliverables and then also takecare of my own wellbeing.
I feel like there's no room togive
Angie Yu (12:37):
yeah.
Okay.
Now I think, I think.
Kind of brings it back to myfirst question of like, how are
you managing yourself care?
Cause like you said, you haveall these other things you care
about, like your relationships,your mom, your activities and
stuff like that.
But right now you're notengaging in any of those.
(12:58):
So right now your life isimbalanced.
Kristy Yee (13:01):
it's not, and that's, that's actually, that's
causing me more anxiety.
That makes me feel like, oh mygosh, if I don't have my shit
together, like if I don't figureout how to make this work for me
for the next year, then I'mgoing to have a mental breakdown
somewhere down the road.
And that's when I'm like, oh mygosh.
I understand this is just thebeginning and the beginning
probably feels the hardest,right?
(13:22):
It's it's also a very differentmind shift going from a working
professional to a student andall, all of that.
I get it.
But maybe my own underlyinganxiety is like, you got to
figure this shit out now, youknow, it's like that planner in
me.
Angie Yu (13:41):
I think that's what it is.
Okay.
First of all, you've only beenthere for two weeks.
Okay.
School's only started for twoweeks.
You were here in Vancouver likea week ago, doing your duties as
part of a wedding, but like Idon't mean to make it sound like
I'm scolding you like it'sfucking two weeks until your one
year in Toronto, your one yearis not going to be like this,
(14:02):
like, like.
Yeah, I think that's exactlywhat it is.
You're you're you want to seeyourself do well, and right now
you can't see yet because you'restill getting used to your new
life, but then you're givingyourself a hard time for not
being able to, I don't know,like envision it, like I'm sure
(14:26):
when you thought about going tograd school.
Okay.
You know what, paint me apicture.
Paint me a picture of what theperfect week or perfect day
would look like.
As part of Christie's one yearin Toronto doing her grad
school?
Kristy Yee (14:39):
I can't
Angie Yu (14:40):
No.
Like before, before you wentthere, before you started the
program, what was the perfectpicture in your head?
Kristy Yee (14:47):
Okay.
I, I'm just, I'm just thinkingabout that picture that I
painted in my own head before Istarted school.
And that picture seems sofucking unrealistic right now
Angie Yu (14:58):
Doesn't matter.
Just tell, tell
Kristy Yee (15:00):
like humorous, you know?
so I.
Knew that we have full-timeclasses two days a week.
So I'm like two days a weeklaws.
I have five whole fucking days.
Angie Yu (15:14):
you told me you were going to find a job.
Kristy Yee (15:16):
Actually.
I do have a job.
I'm a TA.
Angie Yu (15:20):
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
KK.
Yup.
Kristy Yee (15:23):
I almost picked up a second job and I turned it down
on Monday.
We are recording on a Thursdayright now.
So I had, I had another jobopportunity, but I was like, the
fact that I thought about it,the fact that I considered doing
two jobs.
Angie Yu (15:39):
The fact that you got an offer for a second job, you
didn't just think about it.
Kristy Yee (15:44):
Well, I was thinking like of doing it, you know what
I mean?
And then, so you see, this wasmy self care.
I was like, you know what, no, Iwill legitimately die if I pick
up a second job.
So I turned down the second job,which is
Angie Yu (15:58):
Okay.
Good job.
Kristy Yee (15:59):
Okay.
Whew.
Okay.
so when I initially imaginedgrad school, I'm like.
Two days in school, five wholeother days, I will do a
part-time job.
I was thinking I would spend alot more time on the podcast.
Now.
I think it's the opposite.
I'm going to go out exploringlike every week coming in a
bike, I'm going to go to allthese different neighborhoods in
(16:21):
Toronto and start to makefriends and meet different
people and find a tennis crew.
And.
Yeah.
Angie Yu (16:33):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (16:34):
So school was like, it was part of it, but it was
definitely, definitely not maybetop five, but like number five,
you know what I mean?
Angie Yu (16:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's, that's totally becausewhen people go to school,
especially since you're payingfor grad school, it's more for
the experience at anything.
Same thing.
Like when I went abroad for theyear, I wasn't gonna break.
like from my co-op job, I thinkI barely broke even on that and
spend more money and obviouslyexchange was way more money, but
you're paying for theexperience.
Cause you know, like it's notabout the job, it's not about
(17:06):
the actual classes they do help,but it's about this experience
and a moment in life that youwon't be able to do again.
Kristy Yee (17:16):
Exactly.
And it was so much more about memoving to Toronto.
Then me going to grad school,you know, the grad school thing
was a bonus.
It was something I wanted to do.
And it was a bonus, but itwasn't everything.
It wasn't my everything.
Angie Yu (17:30):
it was kind of an excuse to see what a different
life would look like.
when I went abroad, it was anexcuse to just get away from my.
By family not get away fromthem, but like get away from the
overbearing, you know, Chinesemother and get away from like
this life that I've known all mylife.
Right.
So I feel like, yeah, for you,it was more so moving to another
(17:52):
city that was kind of thebiggest draw.
So now all the things likeexploring the city, which is
obviously why you moved to thecity is no longer possible.
So of course you feelingsanxious.
Okay.
So you know how you love lists?
Kristy Yee (18:12):
oh my God.
I was so many, yes.
Go
Angie Yu (18:17):
I was just going to say, I bet you have upper
Gillian lists.
Kristy Yee (18:20):
I have way more lists now as a grad student,
then I feel like ever in mylife,
Angie Yu (18:26):
Maybe.
Kristy Yee (18:27):
do you want to see some they're very,
Angie Yu (18:29):
Oh my God.
Kristy Yee (18:30):
they're all accessible.
Angie Yu (18:33):
Oh, my God stop.
You're giving me anxiety stuff.
I don't want to
Kristy Yee (18:36):
I
Angie Yu (18:36):
at it.
I don't want to looking at it.
I don't want to look at it.
You're giving me anxiety.
Kristy Yee (18:40):
love my lists.
Angie Yu (18:42):
secondhand anxiety from you right now.
So, okay.
Out of those lists, how many ofthose are fulfilling?
What you wanted to move toToronto for like a list of
places you want to check outlist of neighborhoods or list of
activities that you want to doin Toronto?
How many.
So I was going to say, why don'tyou just make a list?
(19:05):
Like something realistic, maybebook, like, I don't know, a
Friday after noon, every week tospare to check off one thing off
the list.
Kristy Yee (19:14):
Okay.
That's actually a really.
Really good idea.
I wasn't sure there was going tobe a takeaway for this episode.
It was just Christie bitchingabout her life and anxiety of
how hard school is.
I really like that.
Angie Yu (19:28):
well, because like the thing is like, when I'm
overwhelmed and I tell peopleabout it, they're like, oh, we
should make a list.
And I'm just like, yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
Cause I'm not a list person, butyou are a list person.
So you show used lists to youradvantage.
Kristy Yee (19:42):
I am a list person.
Angie Yu (19:44):
Oh, you're such a list person.
Kristy Yee (19:45):
I'm already excited
Angie Yu (19:47):
I know.
I just,
Kristy Yee (19:48):
another list.
Angie Yu (19:49):
looked so like upset.
Not like at me or anything.
You just looked, Down sorrowfula bit like gloomy at the
beginning of this call.
And now you're actually smilingbecause of a list because of a
list.
Kristy Yee (20:01):
Okay.
But like a list that I lookforward to making as well as
checking off, because it's goingto give me a lot of joy.
(21:09):
But, I,.
like I know I'm going to getmore into the hang of things.
I will get into some sort ofroutine things might not be as
bad as I perceive them to beright now because of, you know,
so many changes that'shappening.
I know, but it doesn't take awaythe fact that I am still
extremely anxious.
(21:31):
About it.
Angie Yu (21:32):
Yeah.
And right now, you're busyfeeling it.
So just let yourself feel theanxiety deal with the aftermath
of it later.
Deal with the retrospective,summary of your feelings, like
telling yourself, oh, I was justfeeling this way because blah,
blah, blah, deal with thatlater, I guess like, hopefully
by the time this episode comesout, you'll have fully
(21:55):
internalized anxiety.
And then when you listen back tothis, you'll be like, okay.
So that's why, like,
Kristy Yee (22:00):
I will likely cringe very much
Angie Yu (22:03):
That's okay.
sure there are people out therewho listened to this and they're
not cringing because they, maybethey feel the same way right
now.
And right now you just need tofeel it.
I'm going to sound like mytherapist here.
You just need to feel it.
just let yourself feel theanxiety.
Cause I feel like whenever theanxiety comes up, we not just
you and me, but like we, aspeople, we try to find ways to
(22:25):
not feel it for me.
That's trying to find answers.
For me, I'm always truth seekingto try to come up with an
explanation for everything,instead of just feeling those
feelings.
So I try to, logic await thefeelings, which doesn't help.
Some people avoid.
To avoid dealing with thefeeling, some people plan for
(22:49):
the future to avoid feeling thefeelings.
Yes, that's right.
I'm looking at you, Christie.
Kristy Yee (22:56):
That's totally me.
Angie Yu (22:57):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (22:59):
And that's why it's like the underlying anxiety is,
is telling me, yo, you betterhave a plan.
You better have.
It's like, you know, the, justcoming up.
Okay.
You know, you're gonna, you'refeeling so much anxiety right
now and you don't want to godown that path of like a mental
breakdown.
So you better fucking set upsome, some plans and you know,
(23:23):
how.
I can't eat.
What's a synonym for a plan.
Just have your shit together.
So that, so that down the road,you're a little bit more set up.
Like that is actually how Imanage my anxiety.
Right.
That's how I manage my workload.
When I look at a giant project,you break it down into tiny
pieces, tiny, manageable pieces.
(23:44):
And then you're like, okay, it'snot so bad.
Right?
You do, you do things one stepat a time.
I'm just taking this and I'mjust blowing it into like a way
bigger proportional.
And thing.
And, and in my mind, I'm tryingto, I'm basically trying to
project manage my anxiety, butthe fact that I don't have a
(24:04):
plan is making me even moreanxious.
It feeds into the anxiety, eventhough the plan was to help
mitigate things.
It, oh my gosh.
I keep using that word.
I guess this episode is trulyabout anxiety.
When you can say it 10 times ina sentence,
Angie Yu (24:21):
Yeah, but we like, that's just how our coping
mechanism that we've learned.
Like, even when you startedtelling me about why you're
anxious, I was trying to come upwith reasons why you were
anxious.
Right.
Cause that's how I deal withanxiety, but that's just like,
that's we all have there.
I wouldn't say that there, thisis the managing anxiety.
This was more like our copingmethods.
(24:43):
To try to dull the feeling ofanxiety or to kind of suppress
it a little bit so that we don'thave to deal with how
overwhelmingly anxious we are,but actually managing it is like
feeling the feelings.
And then I don't know, just kindof like letting yourself feel it
rather than trying to control itor suppressive or whatever it is
(25:06):
we do to cope with.
Because it is scary.
It's also scary to be like, Iknow what I, I so overwhelmed
right now.
I'm going to cry.
Like that's a scary feeling too,
Kristy Yee (25:18):
Yeah, I'm, I'm almost waiting.
Like, when am
Angie Yu (25:21):
down.
Kristy Yee (25:21):
start breaking down and crying?
I haven't yet.
Angie Yu (25:25):
Yeah.
Because you haven't, softed youroptions of coping mechanisms.
Kristy Yee (25:29):
haven't allowed myself to even feel those things
because I need to read anotherdamn paper.
Angie Yu (25:34):
Oh my God.
So maybe, maybe your self careis you just need to put the
paper down, let yourself cry itout a little bit.
Kristy Yee (25:41):
What I do think was, I mean, I'm going to go back to
that recommendation that you didwas to make a list of all the
fun things that I might want tobe doing in Toronto.
Kind of like a Toronto bucketlist.
And I like me a good bucketlist.
I
Angie Yu (26:00):
doesn't take away the anxiety though.
Let's.
Kristy Yee (26:02):
No, but I think, okay.
So because you were talkingabout our different ways of
coping, right?
Yours is about lodging it.
And then me is about, I got aplan for it and make plans and
make lists.
I think Y your solution or yourrecommendation resonated so much
for me is because that wassomething that is in line with
(26:22):
the way that I cope withanxiety, which is.
Angie Yu (26:26):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (26:28):
More planning.
Angie Yu (26:29):
Yeah.
But that's okay, because it's asense of control over your life.
And right now you feel out ofcontrol because you had no idea
how much of your time it wasgoing to be.
Like you had no idea that thecommitment to school was this
huge.
So right now you feel about acontrol because you're a planner
and you it's right now, realityis not matching up with what
(26:53):
your expectations were.
So of course you're anxious.
Kristy Yee (26:56):
I do feel a lot better than at the beginning of
this episode.
I am still clammy.
I'm still, I still have all ofthe same thoughts in my mind
that I had described today, butI physically like
physiologically actually feel alittle bit calmer.
(27:17):
And I think that comes fromknowing that there's some sort
of an action plan, which ismaking the list.
And then also.
Just the fact that I'm talkingabout it.
made a list of all the stuff totalk about
Angie Yu (27:36):
Oh, my God.
Kristy Yee (27:37):
and,
Angie Yu (27:38):
Of course he did.
Kristy Yee (27:40):
and I talked about all of them, you know, and, and
Angie Yu (27:45):
I'm making lists work.
Kristy Yee (27:47):
well, I think, I think I was making a list, not
just for.
The sake of this episode, butalso because I haven't really
fully sat down and talk tosomeone about all of these
things.
Angie Yu (28:02):
Ah, Christie.
So you've just been sittingthere stewing in your own
misery.
Kristy Yee (28:08):
So now that I've gotten this whole list off of my
chest in one go, I think that initself made me feel a lot.
Angie Yu (28:18):
Oh, you poor thing.
Kristy Yee (28:20):
No, it's a good day.
This is a good way to end theepisode.
Angie Yu (28:25):
Oh no, I know, but like you were not pushing it,
but I hope that you weren'tputting your own wellness on
hold.
For the sake of like,
Kristy Yee (28:39):
This episode.
Angie Yu (28:41):
until waiting until this episode to talk about it.
Cause like, if you need somebodyto talk to you earlier,
Kristy Yee (28:47):
No, no, no.
It's, it's definitely not that.
I mean, we talked about, youknow, a lot of great things from
the previous episode episode,one of, or just go the previous
episode
Angie Yu (29:00):
this episode 31.
Kristy Yee (29:02):
Yes.
fuck.
Okay.
So it's not like I haven't beentalking about all of these
things.
I've been talking about them insnippets.
Like I talked to my boyfriendabout them.
I've talked to other friendsabout them in snippets, but
there's not, it's not a fullhour conversation where we sit
down and.
Go into, you know, I'm feelingthese things.
(29:25):
These are the reasons why Ithink I feel these things
because it's not matching upwhat the expectation it's not
aligning with how I normallyfunction, all of that stuff.
You know, It's basically a verycomprehensive package of what we
have done today to those shortsnippet conversations of just me
bitching on text message.
Be like they hate school.
Angie Yu (29:46):
Yeah, you're kind of summarizing everything that you
felt so far and reorganize youin your head so that it makes
more sense.
And then you can be like, yeah,you know what?
I'm, I'm anxious, I'm anxious,period.
I'm just going to feel it.
And then now I have this onething to look forward to doing.
(30:07):
So I'm going to let myself feelanxious.
Just let myself be.
You don't need to suppress itbecause.
You know what, once I'm donefeeling anxious, I have this one
thing to do, which is the listof things you want to accomplish
going around Toronto.
Like that's something you canlook forward to, but right now,
knowing that you have somethingto do next about this whole
situation allows you the time tobe like, okay, I'm anxious.
(30:30):
That's how I feel, et cetera.
Kristy Yee (30:34):
Yeah.
And, and that, I know this iswhat I'm going to do next, but I
don't have to do it right away,you know, by at least I know.
Angie Yu (30:42):
Yes, there you go.
At least, you know?
Yeah.
It's all new situations are hardand not, no, like I'm going to
relate it back again to my dog,to my puppy, you know, like
people say puppies are a lot ofwork, but holy fuck.
Is it a lot of work?
And I have some, and I'm doingit with somebody too, like is
(31:04):
holy shit.
So much work.
But I have this image, of likeplaying outside, walking with my
dog and my boyfriend, maybe onthe seawall or something, and
she's wearing a bandana likethat image alone.
I know I can get there, but Ihave to be really fucking
patient right now.
And in the first two weeks ofhaving her, I didn't see how
(31:28):
that was possible at all.
Now it's been.
7 6, 7 weeks and there have beenimprovements.
And I can, that picture isgetting clearer, but I honestly,
like I had a breakdown.
I think I told you I had abreakdown and then just last
week my boyfriend had abreakdown, but once the
(31:50):
breakdown is over, we're like,Hey, we feel better.
It's okay to feel anxious.
It's okay to feel like sometimeswe made a mistake getting her or
feel like failing.
Because Yolo that's life justgot to keep going and eventually
you'll get to that picture andnot because that's what it's
meant to happen, but because,you know, that's what you're
(32:11):
working towards.
Just like how there are bad,full self fulfilling prophecies.
Like if you keep thinking aboutbreaking down, having an anxiety
attack, that's going to happen.
Self-fulfilling prophecies,doesn't only apply to bad.
Kristy Yee (32:27):
Which is why people have vision boards.
Angie Yu (32:29):
Yeah, that's right.
I don't have one, but,
Kristy Yee (32:35):
Nor do I, but it's, you know, and visualization
Angie Yu (32:39):
Yeah.
Visualization.
It's just like,
Kristy Yee (32:42):
law of attraction
Angie Yu (32:43):
of it.
Kristy Yee (32:45):
keep going on this shit.
Angie Yu (32:47):
Yeah, you can, you can sound all hippy, like and say,
Hey, I'm putting it out there inthe universe, but really you're
putting it into your own head.
It's like self inception.
Kristy Yee (32:56):
I honestly, like Okay.
Now it gets all like, we wishit.
I do think that there is somevalidity in having those
positive vibes, those thoughts,you know, because it's helpful.
think there is validity inimagining and picturing like
things that will give you joyand you know, those positive
(33:18):
thoughts.
We can't be ignoring all of theother feelings and all of the
other thoughts while for someonewho does a lot of reading, I am
not dressed.
I, what am I trying to say?
Yeah.
All that hippie dippy shit.
I think there's some validity toit
Angie Yu (33:37):
Oh, I absolutely agree.
I agree as well, even, even ifit's not the full truth, but
then again, that don't get mestarted on the truth, because
the only truth is that there isno real truth.
So anyway, Even though the hippydippy shit might not make sense
scientifically or whatever, butit's a great way to wrap our
(33:57):
minds around certain concepts.
And that's why I like thatstuff.
Kristy Yee (34:01):
And I think it just helps with like coping.
Angie Yu (34:05):
Yeah.
Spirituality
Kristy Yee (34:07):
Yeah, exactly.
Angie Yu (34:08):
that shit.
Like, you know, a avatar, thelast Airbender and stuff like
that.
Kristy Yee (34:13):
This episode is going like, on a totally
different direction, which is agood side to end the episode.
So thank you so much, everyonefor joining us all the way to
the end and listening tobasically my journey of coming
in at the beginning of thisepisode, feeling super anxious
and.
(34:34):
Now I am
Angie Yu (34:37):
Still anxious.
Kristy Yee (34:38):
I mean, still anxious, but now there's, it
feels better just to talk aboutit and have some plan, even
though I'm not going to takeaction on it right away.
It's, it's helpful to know thatthere is some recommendations
that I can take away from this.
So hopefully this was helpfulfor everyone who has been
listening to us.
(35:17):
Next episode, we're going to bejoined by a guest.
So look forward to that.
Angie Yu (35:25):
Okay, thanks.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm such a high pitch.
Thanks for listening.
And we'll see you next, nextweek.
Next next week.
Kristy Yee (35:35):
next episode?
Angie Yu (35:37):
Well, yeah, in two weeks.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
(36:11):
Yes.
Nice.
I just burped too, but I
Kristy Yee (36:13):
Oh, wow.
Oh, my freaking Dickies.
And today we are, this is, we are, whoa, my God.
(00:04):
I cannot
Angie Yu (00:30):
Welcome back to another episode of shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:33):
This is Christie.
Today we are, this is, we are,whoa, my God.
I cannot
Angie Yu (00:40):
so Christie, I think Christie's a little bit nervous
because today we are going to betalking about her experience in
Toronto.
Kristy Yee (00:49):
Hi.
Okay.
I want to preface, this isanother, our shit episode where
we talk about our updates on howwe are currently managing our
mental wellbeing.
Dot.dot
Angie Yu (01:05):
Dot.dot
Kristy Yee (01:06):
My mental wellbeing.
Angie Yu (01:07):
her mental well-being her emotional wellbeing, her
physical wellbeing.
Kristy Yee (01:11):
Okay.
So today I want to talk aboutanxiety.
I want to just straight up talkabout today's all about anxiety.
So we're going to talk about myshit, but it's also going to be
an episode on anxiety becauseI'm feeling a fuck ton of
anxiety.
(01:32):
I've moved, but diff varyingdegrees and anxiety for
different things.
I am right now, as I'm sittingin this chair, recording with
you and I am really fuckingnervous and I don't know why we
have been recording forever.
This is season three.
You would think this shit islike, you know, whatevs.
(01:54):
It's like picking up the phoneand calling you.
I'm still like, oh God now.
Laughter.
Okay.
Coping.
My heart rate is, has likesignificantly increased my
fingers and my toes are veryclimbing right now.
And I've been feeling this way,every single day when I wake up.
(02:15):
And generally I feel an extradose when I'm about to jump on a
call or going to a meeting or,you know, go to class it's like
some form of social anxiety, butwhat I really think is I'm
having, I'm experiencing just awhole bunch of underlying
anxiety because I just moved toa new place.
(02:37):
I just started school.
School's fucking overwhelming.
So I have this humming anxietyin the background, and then any
time there's something I have todo.
Like go out and buy groceries ordump on a call with you.
If I have to engage in anactivity, then my baseline level
(03:03):
anxiety, soars, even higher.
Am I making sense?
Does that make sense?
Angie Yu (03:09):
Yeah, it does.
So how do you feel?
Let's say you're at home, you'resitting on the couch, catching
up with your messages and thenyou're like, shit, I need to go
to the grocery store and like 12minutes.
Well, how do you feel?
Kristy Yee (03:23):
So here's the thing.
I don't even engage in thoseactivities very much anymore
because I am constantly doinghomework.
And that's where majority of myanxiety is coming from is coming
from school.
Freaking me out.
And I feel like if I stop to goout and buy groceries, I'm
(03:45):
wasting time.
I could be reading anotherpaper.
You know, if I, if I go and likestop and cook some food, it's
like, I do it out of necessitybecause my body needs
sustenance.
But, but my mind is thinkingabout, I could be reading
another one.
(04:06):
Every single activity that I'mdoing that is outside of school.
I'm like I could be doinghomework and it's a life sucker.
It's like, I cannot think ofanything else besides do
homework.
And if I'm not engaged in somesort of school-related activity,
then my anxiety sores even more.
Angie Yu (04:27):
Is it.
So have you, do you feel thisoften, is this a feeling that
you have felt before?
Or do you think it's just nowbecause.
Kristy Yee (04:36):
I don't recall feeling this in undergrad I have
a couple of theories.
One of them is cause.
We've been talking a lot moreabout mental health.
Being a mental health advocate.
Speaking about mental health, ushaving this podcast, I am so
much more engrossed in thismental wellness space.
So I'm thinking about it all thetime.
(04:57):
And I wonder if that makes me alot more sensitive.
The other one.
So the first one is more likesensitive in a negative way.
The positive effect is somewherealong similar lines, is that
because I'm thinking more aboutit, I'm more aware and more in
tuned with my own feelings andemotions, and I'm giving myself
more space and allowing myselfto feel a lot of these things.
(05:20):
And therefore it's coming out alot more.
So maybe in the past, I didn'tfeel it because there was some
suppression or some just.
Angie Yu (05:28):
You could be.
but it seems like this isbothering you.
Oh a lot more.
Like the way you're talkingabout this is you're coming from
a place of unfamiliarity
Kristy Yee (05:38):
So this year I had, to take time off because I was
hella depressed.
I I'm, I am scared.
I am scared that I'm, I will godown a similar path.
If I cannot find ways to managemy anxiety.
It's different than.
(06:00):
You know what I had experiencedthis year, because that was from
compassion, fatigue.
It was from a whole bunch ofdifferent other variables that
contributed to the depression.
And this time it's like, it'sanxiety that we're talking
about.
Right.
But nonetheless, I'm afraid thatI'm going to go down this path
of scary place.
If I don't find some ways todeal with.
(06:23):
With this anxiety.
And then I started thinking, I'mlike, okay, well, if I'm, if I'm
setting myself up thinking thatI'm going to fail, then I'm
going to fail.
You know, if I keep psychingmyself up that, oh, you're
gonna, you're not gonna be ableto manage this.
Well, like you're gonna havesome mental breakdown halfway
(06:43):
through the semester, then.
I'm a F I'm, I'm afraid ofbecoming a self fulfilling
prophecy.
You know what I mean?
Angie Yu (06:52):
Okay.
Like, your anxiety is comingfrom someplace, like there's
obviously you're scared ofsomething.
Kristy Yee (06:56):
I'm scared.
I can't do the program.
Angie Yu (06:59):
there you go.
Kristy Yee (06:59):
I'm just like so overwhelmed by the amount of
stuff I need to do,
Angie Yu (07:08):
Yeah.
It's literally been like twoweeks of school.
Kristy Yee (07:11):
So here's the thing, like I was thinking about why,
why am I doing grad school?
Angie Yu (07:18):
Ah,
Kristy Yee (07:19):
is the purpose of doing grad school?
Angie Yu (07:22):
Like why did you put yourself into this situation?
Kristy Yee (07:24):
Did I make the right choice?
No.
yes.
I, I think about that and yes, Ido.
I do think I made the rightchoice.
It's still something that I wantto pursue.
It's something that I want to doand I don't regret that at all.
You know, and to see the amountof fucking shit that I have to
do.
(07:44):
Every single day.
I'm like, I don't know if thisis possible, which causes the
anxiety.
Right?
Because now it's like, oh mygosh, my to-do list is a
thousand pages long.
And I don't know now I just, Ijust feel, I just feel like I'm
complaining for the sake ofcomplaining.
Like I feel like I'm just beingsuch a champagne person talking
(08:05):
about first-world problem.
Angie Yu (08:07):
It sounds more like you're trying to organize your
thoughts.
Like you're not complaining,you're trying to figure out what
it is that you actually feel.
You know what I mean?
Like from the, so from.
Kristy Yee (08:19):
Time to think about those things, because I could be
reading a paper.
Angie Yu (08:25):
That's what I mean, like, remember, how much we
talked about like self care andshit like that.
Kristy Yee (08:29):
huh?
I try.
It's not that I don't.
And I recognize the importanceof it.
Like I'm not, I'm probably notdoing it in a very healthy way,
but I still try to find time todo those things.
Like I'm still journaling, forexample, I I'm, I try to do fun
things.
I took a bubble bath the otherday, but I also took a bubble
(08:51):
bath with my laptop.
So I can read a paper while toget.
Angie Yu (08:55):
Yeah, that's not, that's not enough care.
Feels like you're just forcingyourself to journal and take
bubble bath and do logic puzzlesbefore bed,
Kristy Yee (09:03):
I'm trying to do a lot of these things, but.
The degree of stuff that I usedto do for myself compared to how
much I'm doing now is verydifferent.
The ratios are very differentand the quality of self care
activity is also.
Angie Yu (09:24):
Yeah, I was just going to say 13 hours of homework,
plus I don't know what, likefive minutes of journaling does
not seem like it would doanything.
Like, what about seeing friendsor having a good meal or, you
know, having a good meal whereyou're not reading a paper.
How about that?
Kristy Yee (09:45):
I'm trying to figure out what it is that I am
feeling.
I obviously can feel the anxietybecause I wake up with burning
sensations in my stomach, youknow, and in my.
after I eat, that's even worse
Angie Yu (10:01):
Oh,
Kristy Yee (10:02):
food in my body.
Angie Yu (10:03):
Oh, no.
I hate that feeling.
Kristy Yee (10:05):
my GI gets even more like crap.
Angie Yu (10:09):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (10:10):
These are feelings of anxiety.
I recognize them.
They're very similar to the onesthat I would have.
Previously, but those were workinduced and those were imposter
syndrome induced this time.
I don't, I don't feel like I'man imposter.
I don't feel like I like all my.
Value, you know who I am as ahuman being and where my
(10:32):
career's going to go isdependent on this.
I don't feel that because I hadone spelt that when I was trying
to get into the UBC program,which is like, oh my God, if I
don't get in, then like, I, I,what am I going to do with my
life?
You know, it wasn't that type ofanxiety.
It's it's.
I don't know how this is humanlypossible for, for me to do this.
(10:55):
Cause I feel like, unless I putin 13 hours every single day,
like seven days a week, I won'tbe able to complete all the
things that I need to complete.
and like, I'm trying tointroduce all these concepts
that you and I have learned.
In our wellness journey, andpractices that I have started to
(11:16):
do in my workplace, which islike, you know, breaking out my
tasks, inserting differentactivities in between.
Like I used to play tennis aftermeetings or before meetings, and
then I would see clients andthen I will do something else.
And then, you know what I mean?
Like I do that I had a lot moreautonomy in my job.
And then focusing on self careand, and knowing that work,
(11:36):
isn't my life.
And I fully embrace that work isnot my life that I have other
things I care about in my life.
I have my mum, I have all myrelationships.
I have this podcast.
I have like tennis and bikingand choir and singing.
Like, those are all importantthings in my life that I enjoy.
And I want to spend time andenergy on those things too.
(11:57):
And that, that gives me balance.
With grad school.
I don't even know where to findthat ability to insert those
things.
I know that it's not my life andI know that my value.
Isn't tied to it, but I stillwant to do well.
Like I still want to finish theprogram.
Like I'm paying fucking moneyfor this.
You know what I mean?
Like,
Angie Yu (12:17):
Yeah, of course.
Kristy Yee (12:18):
But how do I, envision the rest of this year
and pace myself, but at the sametime, be able to have my
deliverables and then also takecare of my own wellbeing.
I feel like there's no room togive
Angie Yu (12:37):
yeah.
Okay.
Now I think, I think.
Kind of brings it back to myfirst question of like, how are
you managing yourself care?
Cause like you said, you haveall these other things you care
about, like your relationships,your mom, your activities and
stuff like that.
But right now you're notengaging in any of those.
(12:58):
So right now your life isimbalanced.
Kristy Yee (13:01):
it's not, and that's, that's actually, that's
causing me more anxiety.
That makes me feel like, oh mygosh, if I don't have my shit
together, like if I don't figureout how to make this work for me
for the next year, then I'mgoing to have a mental breakdown
somewhere down the road.
And that's when I'm like, oh mygosh.
I understand this is just thebeginning and the beginning
probably feels the hardest,right?
(13:22):
It's it's also a very differentmind shift going from a working
professional to a student andall, all of that.
I get it.
But maybe my own underlyinganxiety is like, you got to
figure this shit out now, youknow, it's like that planner in
me.
Angie Yu (13:41):
I think that's what it is.
Okay.
First of all, you've only beenthere for two weeks.
Okay.
School's only started for twoweeks.
You were here in Vancouver likea week ago, doing your duties as
part of a wedding, but like Idon't mean to make it sound like
I'm scolding you like it'sfucking two weeks until your one
year in Toronto, your one yearis not going to be like this,
(14:02):
like, like.
Yeah, I think that's exactlywhat it is.
You're you're you want to seeyourself do well, and right now
you can't see yet because you'restill getting used to your new
life, but then you're givingyourself a hard time for not
being able to, I don't know,like envision it, like I'm sure
(14:26):
when you thought about going tograd school.
Okay.
You know what, paint me apicture.
Paint me a picture of what theperfect week or perfect day
would look like.
As part of Christie's one yearin Toronto doing her grad
school?
Kristy Yee (14:39):
I can't
Angie Yu (14:40):
No.
Like before, before you wentthere, before you started the
program, what was the perfectpicture in your head?
Kristy Yee (14:47):
Okay.
I, I'm just, I'm just thinkingabout that picture that I
painted in my own head before Istarted school.
And that picture seems sofucking unrealistic right now
Angie Yu (14:58):
Doesn't matter.
Just tell, tell
Kristy Yee (15:00):
like humorous, you know?
so I.
Knew that we have full-timeclasses two days a week.
So I'm like two days a weeklaws.
I have five whole fucking days.
Angie Yu (15:14):
you told me you were going to find a job.
Kristy Yee (15:16):
Actually.
I do have a job.
I'm a TA.
Angie Yu (15:20):
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
KK.
Yup.
Kristy Yee (15:23):
I almost picked up a second job and I turned it down
on Monday.
We are recording on a Thursdayright now.
So I had, I had another jobopportunity, but I was like, the
fact that I thought about it,the fact that I considered doing
two jobs.
Angie Yu (15:39):
The fact that you got an offer for a second job, you
didn't just think about it.
Kristy Yee (15:44):
Well, I was thinking like of doing it, you know what
I mean?
And then, so you see, this wasmy self care.
I was like, you know what, no, Iwill legitimately die if I pick
up a second job.
So I turned down the second job,which is
Angie Yu (15:58):
Okay.
Good job.
Kristy Yee (15:59):
Okay.
Whew.
Okay.
so when I initially imaginedgrad school, I'm like.
Two days in school, five wholeother days, I will do a
part-time job.
I was thinking I would spend alot more time on the podcast.
Now.
I think it's the opposite.
I'm going to go out exploringlike every week coming in a
bike, I'm going to go to allthese different neighborhoods in
(16:21):
Toronto and start to makefriends and meet different
people and find a tennis crew.
And.
Yeah.
Angie Yu (16:33):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (16:34):
So school was like, it was part of it, but it was
definitely, definitely not maybetop five, but like number five,
you know what I mean?
Angie Yu (16:44):
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's, that's totally becausewhen people go to school,
especially since you're payingfor grad school, it's more for
the experience at anything.
Same thing.
Like when I went abroad for theyear, I wasn't gonna break.
like from my co-op job, I thinkI barely broke even on that and
spend more money and obviouslyexchange was way more money, but
you're paying for theexperience.
Cause you know, like it's notabout the job, it's not about
(17:06):
the actual classes they do help,but it's about this experience
and a moment in life that youwon't be able to do again.
Kristy Yee (17:16):
Exactly.
And it was so much more about memoving to Toronto.
Then me going to grad school,you know, the grad school thing
was a bonus.
It was something I wanted to do.
And it was a bonus, but itwasn't everything.
It wasn't my everything.
Angie Yu (17:30):
it was kind of an excuse to see what a different
life would look like.
when I went abroad, it was anexcuse to just get away from my.
By family not get away fromthem, but like get away from the
overbearing, you know, Chinesemother and get away from like
this life that I've known all mylife.
Right.
So I feel like, yeah, for you,it was more so moving to another
(17:52):
city that was kind of thebiggest draw.
So now all the things likeexploring the city, which is
obviously why you moved to thecity is no longer possible.
So of course you feelingsanxious.
Okay.
So you know how you love lists?
Kristy Yee (18:12):
oh my God.
I was so many, yes.
Go
Angie Yu (18:17):
I was just going to say, I bet you have upper
Gillian lists.
Kristy Yee (18:20):
I have way more lists now as a grad student,
then I feel like ever in mylife,
Angie Yu (18:26):
Maybe.
Kristy Yee (18:27):
do you want to see some they're very,
Angie Yu (18:29):
Oh my God.
Kristy Yee (18:30):
they're all accessible.
Angie Yu (18:33):
Oh, my God stop.
You're giving me anxiety stuff.
I don't want to
Kristy Yee (18:36):
I
Angie Yu (18:36):
at it.
I don't want to looking at it.
I don't want to look at it.
You're giving me anxiety.
Kristy Yee (18:40):
love my lists.
Angie Yu (18:42):
secondhand anxiety from you right now.
So, okay.
Out of those lists, how many ofthose are fulfilling?
What you wanted to move toToronto for like a list of
places you want to check outlist of neighborhoods or list of
activities that you want to doin Toronto?
How many.
So I was going to say, why don'tyou just make a list?
(19:05):
Like something realistic, maybebook, like, I don't know, a
Friday after noon, every week tospare to check off one thing off
the list.
Kristy Yee (19:14):
Okay.
That's actually a really.
Really good idea.
I wasn't sure there was going tobe a takeaway for this episode.
It was just Christie bitchingabout her life and anxiety of
how hard school is.
I really like that.
Angie Yu (19:28):
well, because like the thing is like, when I'm
overwhelmed and I tell peopleabout it, they're like, oh, we
should make a list.
And I'm just like, yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
Cause I'm not a list person, butyou are a list person.
So you show used lists to youradvantage.
Kristy Yee (19:42):
I am a list person.
Angie Yu (19:44):
Oh, you're such a list person.
Kristy Yee (19:45):
I'm already excited
Angie Yu (19:47):
I know.
I just,
Kristy Yee (19:48):
another list.
Angie Yu (19:49):
looked so like upset.
Not like at me or anything.
You just looked, Down sorrowfula bit like gloomy at the
beginning of this call.
And now you're actually smilingbecause of a list because of a
list.
Kristy Yee (20:01):
Okay.
But like a list that I lookforward to making as well as
checking off, because it's goingto give me a lot of joy.
(21:09):
But, I,.
like I know I'm going to getmore into the hang of things.
I will get into some sort ofroutine things might not be as
bad as I perceive them to beright now because of, you know,
so many changes that'shappening.
I know, but it doesn't take awaythe fact that I am still
extremely anxious.
(21:31):
About it.
Angie Yu (21:32):
Yeah.
And right now, you're busyfeeling it.
So just let yourself feel theanxiety deal with the aftermath
of it later.
Deal with the retrospective,summary of your feelings, like
telling yourself, oh, I was justfeeling this way because blah,
blah, blah, deal with thatlater, I guess like, hopefully
by the time this episode comesout, you'll have fully
(21:55):
internalized anxiety.
And then when you listen back tothis, you'll be like, okay.
So that's why, like,
Kristy Yee (22:00):
I will likely cringe very much
Angie Yu (22:03):
That's okay.
sure there are people out therewho listened to this and they're
not cringing because they, maybethey feel the same way right
now.
And right now you just need tofeel it.
I'm going to sound like mytherapist here.
You just need to feel it.
just let yourself feel theanxiety.
Cause I feel like whenever theanxiety comes up, we not just
you and me, but like we, aspeople, we try to find ways to
(22:25):
not feel it for me.
That's trying to find answers.
For me, I'm always truth seekingto try to come up with an
explanation for everything,instead of just feeling those
feelings.
So I try to, logic await thefeelings, which doesn't help.
Some people avoid.
To avoid dealing with thefeeling, some people plan for
(22:49):
the future to avoid feeling thefeelings.
Yes, that's right.
I'm looking at you, Christie.
Kristy Yee (22:56):
That's totally me.
Angie Yu (22:57):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (22:59):
And that's why it's like the underlying anxiety is,
is telling me, yo, you betterhave a plan.
You better have.
It's like, you know, the, justcoming up.
Okay.
You know, you're gonna, you'refeeling so much anxiety right
now and you don't want to godown that path of like a mental
breakdown.
So you better fucking set upsome, some plans and you know,
(23:23):
how.
I can't eat.
What's a synonym for a plan.
Just have your shit together.
So that, so that down the road,you're a little bit more set up.
Like that is actually how Imanage my anxiety.
Right.
That's how I manage my workload.
When I look at a giant project,you break it down into tiny
pieces, tiny, manageable pieces.
(23:44):
And then you're like, okay, it'snot so bad.
Right?
You do, you do things one stepat a time.
I'm just taking this and I'mjust blowing it into like a way
bigger proportional.
And thing.
And, and in my mind, I'm tryingto, I'm basically trying to
project manage my anxiety, butthe fact that I don't have a
(24:04):
plan is making me even moreanxious.
It feeds into the anxiety, eventhough the plan was to help
mitigate things.
It, oh my gosh.
I keep using that word.
I guess this episode is trulyabout anxiety.
When you can say it 10 times ina sentence,
Angie Yu (24:21):
Yeah, but we like, that's just how our coping
mechanism that we've learned.
Like, even when you startedtelling me about why you're
anxious, I was trying to come upwith reasons why you were
anxious.
Right.
Cause that's how I deal withanxiety, but that's just like,
that's we all have there.
I wouldn't say that there, thisis the managing anxiety.
This was more like our copingmethods.
(24:43):
To try to dull the feeling ofanxiety or to kind of suppress
it a little bit so that we don'thave to deal with how
overwhelmingly anxious we are,but actually managing it is like
feeling the feelings.
And then I don't know, just kindof like letting yourself feel it
rather than trying to control itor suppressive or whatever it is
(25:06):
we do to cope with.
Because it is scary.
It's also scary to be like, Iknow what I, I so overwhelmed
right now.
I'm going to cry.
Like that's a scary feeling too,
Kristy Yee (25:18):
Yeah, I'm, I'm almost waiting.
Like, when am
Angie Yu (25:21):
down.
Kristy Yee (25:21):
start breaking down and crying?
I haven't yet.
Angie Yu (25:25):
Yeah.
Because you haven't, softed youroptions of coping mechanisms.
Kristy Yee (25:29):
haven't allowed myself to even feel those things
because I need to read anotherdamn paper.
Angie Yu (25:34):
Oh my God.
So maybe, maybe your self careis you just need to put the
paper down, let yourself cry itout a little bit.
Kristy Yee (25:41):
What I do think was, I mean, I'm going to go back to
that recommendation that you didwas to make a list of all the
fun things that I might want tobe doing in Toronto.
Kind of like a Toronto bucketlist.
And I like me a good bucketlist.
I
Angie Yu (26:00):
doesn't take away the anxiety though.
Let's.
Kristy Yee (26:02):
No, but I think, okay.
So because you were talkingabout our different ways of
coping, right?
Yours is about lodging it.
And then me is about, I got aplan for it and make plans and
make lists.
I think Y your solution or yourrecommendation resonated so much
for me is because that wassomething that is in line with
(26:22):
the way that I cope withanxiety, which is.
Angie Yu (26:26):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (26:28):
More planning.
Angie Yu (26:29):
Yeah.
But that's okay, because it's asense of control over your life.
And right now you feel out ofcontrol because you had no idea
how much of your time it wasgoing to be.
Like you had no idea that thecommitment to school was this
huge.
So right now you feel about acontrol because you're a planner
and you it's right now, realityis not matching up with what
(26:53):
your expectations were.
So of course you're anxious.
Kristy Yee (26:56):
I do feel a lot better than at the beginning of
this episode.
I am still clammy.
I'm still, I still have all ofthe same thoughts in my mind
that I had described today, butI physically like
physiologically actually feel alittle bit calmer.
(27:17):
And I think that comes fromknowing that there's some sort
of an action plan, which ismaking the list.
And then also.
Just the fact that I'm talkingabout it.
made a list of all the stuff totalk about
Angie Yu (27:36):
Oh, my God.
Kristy Yee (27:37):
and,
Angie Yu (27:38):
Of course he did.
Kristy Yee (27:40):
and I talked about all of them, you know, and, and
Angie Yu (27:45):
I'm making lists work.
Kristy Yee (27:47):
well, I think, I think I was making a list, not
just for.
The sake of this episode, butalso because I haven't really
fully sat down and talk tosomeone about all of these
things.
Angie Yu (28:02):
Ah, Christie.
So you've just been sittingthere stewing in your own
misery.
Kristy Yee (28:08):
So now that I've gotten this whole list off of my
chest in one go, I think that initself made me feel a lot.
Angie Yu (28:18):
Oh, you poor thing.
Kristy Yee (28:20):
No, it's a good day.
This is a good way to end theepisode.
Angie Yu (28:25):
Oh no, I know, but like you were not pushing it,
but I hope that you weren'tputting your own wellness on
hold.
For the sake of like,
Kristy Yee (28:39):
This episode.
Angie Yu (28:41):
until waiting until this episode to talk about it.
Cause like, if you need somebodyto talk to you earlier,
Kristy Yee (28:47):
No, no, no.
It's, it's definitely not that.
I mean, we talked about, youknow, a lot of great things from
the previous episode episode,one of, or just go the previous
episode
Angie Yu (29:00):
this episode 31.
Kristy Yee (29:02):
Yes.
fuck.
Okay.
So it's not like I haven't beentalking about all of these
things.
I've been talking about them insnippets.
Like I talked to my boyfriendabout them.
I've talked to other friendsabout them in snippets, but
there's not, it's not a fullhour conversation where we sit
down and.
Go into, you know, I'm feelingthese things.
(29:25):
These are the reasons why Ithink I feel these things
because it's not matching upwhat the expectation it's not
aligning with how I normallyfunction, all of that stuff.
You know, It's basically a verycomprehensive package of what we
have done today to those shortsnippet conversations of just me
bitching on text message.
Be like they hate school.
Angie Yu (29:46):
Yeah, you're kind of summarizing everything that you
felt so far and reorganize youin your head so that it makes
more sense.
And then you can be like, yeah,you know what?
I'm, I'm anxious, I'm anxious,period.
I'm just going to feel it.
And then now I have this onething to look forward to doing.
(30:07):
So I'm going to let myself feelanxious.
Just let myself be.
You don't need to suppress itbecause.
You know what, once I'm donefeeling anxious, I have this one
thing to do, which is the listof things you want to accomplish
going around Toronto.
Like that's something you canlook forward to, but right now,
knowing that you have somethingto do next about this whole
situation allows you the time tobe like, okay, I'm anxious.
(30:30):
That's how I feel, et cetera.
Kristy Yee (30:34):
Yeah.
And, and that, I know this iswhat I'm going to do next, but I
don't have to do it right away,you know, by at least I know.
Angie Yu (30:42):
Yes, there you go.
At least, you know?
Yeah.
It's all new situations are hardand not, no, like I'm going to
relate it back again to my dog,to my puppy, you know, like
people say puppies are a lot ofwork, but holy fuck.
Is it a lot of work?
And I have some, and I'm doingit with somebody too, like is
(31:04):
holy shit.
So much work.
But I have this image, of likeplaying outside, walking with my
dog and my boyfriend, maybe onthe seawall or something, and
she's wearing a bandana likethat image alone.
I know I can get there, but Ihave to be really fucking
patient right now.
And in the first two weeks ofhaving her, I didn't see how
(31:28):
that was possible at all.
Now it's been.
7 6, 7 weeks and there have beenimprovements.
And I can, that picture isgetting clearer, but I honestly,
like I had a breakdown.
I think I told you I had abreakdown and then just last
week my boyfriend had abreakdown, but once the
(31:50):
breakdown is over, we're like,Hey, we feel better.
It's okay to feel anxious.
It's okay to feel like sometimeswe made a mistake getting her or
feel like failing.
Because Yolo that's life justgot to keep going and eventually
you'll get to that picture andnot because that's what it's
meant to happen, but because,you know, that's what you're
(32:11):
working towards.
Just like how there are bad,full self fulfilling prophecies.
Like if you keep thinking aboutbreaking down, having an anxiety
attack, that's going to happen.
Self-fulfilling prophecies,doesn't only apply to bad.
Kristy Yee (32:27):
Which is why people have vision boards.
Angie Yu (32:29):
Yeah, that's right.
I don't have one, but,
Kristy Yee (32:35):
Nor do I, but it's, you know, and visualization
Angie Yu (32:39):
Yeah.
Visualization.
It's just like,
Kristy Yee (32:42):
law of attraction
Angie Yu (32:43):
of it.
Kristy Yee (32:45):
keep going on this shit.
Angie Yu (32:47):
Yeah, you can, you can sound all hippy, like and say,
Hey, I'm putting it out there inthe universe, but really you're
putting it into your own head.
It's like self inception.
Kristy Yee (32:56):
I honestly, like Okay.
Now it gets all like, we wishit.
I do think that there is somevalidity in having those
positive vibes, those thoughts,you know, because it's helpful.
think there is validity inimagining and picturing like
things that will give you joyand you know, those positive
(33:18):
thoughts.
We can't be ignoring all of theother feelings and all of the
other thoughts while for someonewho does a lot of reading, I am
not dressed.
I, what am I trying to say?
Yeah.
All that hippie dippy shit.
I think there's some validity toit
Angie Yu (33:37):
Oh, I absolutely agree.
I agree as well, even, even ifit's not the full truth, but
then again, that don't get mestarted on the truth, because
the only truth is that there isno real truth.
So anyway, Even though the hippydippy shit might not make sense
scientifically or whatever, butit's a great way to wrap our
(33:57):
minds around certain concepts.
And that's why I like thatstuff.
Kristy Yee (34:01):
And I think it just helps with like coping.
Angie Yu (34:05):
Yeah.
Spirituality
Kristy Yee (34:07):
Yeah, exactly.
Angie Yu (34:08):
that shit.
Like, you know, a avatar, thelast Airbender and stuff like
that.
Kristy Yee (34:13):
This episode is going like, on a totally
different direction, which is agood side to end the episode.
So thank you so much, everyonefor joining us all the way to
the end and listening tobasically my journey of coming
in at the beginning of thisepisode, feeling super anxious
and.
(34:34):
Now I am
Angie Yu (34:37):
Still anxious.
Kristy Yee (34:38):
I mean, still anxious, but now there's, it
feels better just to talk aboutit and have some plan, even
though I'm not going to takeaction on it right away.
It's, it's helpful to know thatthere is some recommendations
that I can take away from this.
So hopefully this was helpfulfor everyone who has been
listening to us.
(35:17):
Next episode, we're going to bejoined by a guest.
So look forward to that.
Angie Yu (35:25):
Okay, thanks.
I don't know why I said that.
I'm such a high pitch.
Thanks for listening.
And we'll see you next, nextweek.
Next next week.
Kristy Yee (35:35):
next episode?
Angie Yu (35:37):
Well, yeah, in two weeks.
Okay, bye.
Okay.
(36:11):
Yes.
Nice.
I just burped too, but I
Kristy Yee (36:13):
Oh, wow.
Oh, my freaking Dickies.
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