December 26, 2021 • 60 mins
Adult friendships. Confrontations. Empathy. Responsibilities. We confront our uncomfortable thoughts and compare our friendship and partnership to a romantic relationship. They talk about their mental health and how that has affected their time management and relationships.
Takeaways:
- Having doubts about something does not mean you don’t want it
- Adult friendships need maintenance and check-ins from both sides
- Healthy friendships mean you can share uncomfortable feelings with each other
- Consistency and kindness is more important than frequency and big gestures
- Life gets in the way and friendships require managing expectations
Mentions & Resources:
- How to be a Better Friend
- How to Not Suck as a Friend — Communicate Better
- Why Friendships Are So Important for Health and Well-Being
- Making Good Friends
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Kristy Yee (00:00):
Okay.
Angie Yu (00:03):
I guess it's been a while.
Kristy Yee (00:05):
It has been, and that's what that's part of the
problem.
Angie Yu (00:33):
relaxed.
Let's catch up a little bit.
the last time we talked, it waswhen you were really anxious
about school
Kristy Yee (00:41):
Okay.
Was that the last time we talkwas recording episode 32, the
anxiety episode.
Angie Yu (00:46):
that's what, that's the last time we like really
talked, we recorded themenstruation episode, et cetera.
But the last time we actuallytalked about like our lives was
that.
Kristy Yee (00:57):
See, and this is why I feel like I feel like there's
so much disconnect.
I used to see you twice a week,
Angie Yu (01:05):
Yeah,
Kristy Yee (01:06):
even during pandemic.
Angie Yu (01:08):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (01:09):
And I feel like I miss you, and I don't know
what's happening in your life.
And I feel like we're not
Angie Yu (01:22):
On the same wavelength,
Kristy Yee (01:24):
exactly
Angie Yu (01:25):
but we're still finishing each other's
sentences.
Kristy Yee (01:30):
And I just feel like I don't need us to be meeting,
you know, twice a week, becausepart of, part of when we did
that, it was half of it wasfunsies.
And I don't think we need to be.
In each other's lives like that.
But I also feel like if the lasttime we have actually talked
(01:52):
about our lives was back inSeptember, like two, two and a
half months ago.
Right.
That's a long time.
Angie Yu (02:04):
It has a long time, especially if we have a project
together, we have a babytogether, right?
Yeah.
It is a long time.
Kristy Yee (02:10):
exactly.
And I feel like the relationshipI have with you is so unique
compared to any of my otherfriends, because we have a baby
and, and it's a new territoryfor me.
And I honestly do feel like ourrelationship is like being in a
marriage and having a commitmentand having, having a fucking
(02:34):
baby as part of ourresponsibility.
And you know, when you'remarried, you know, You don't
have to be in each other's faceall of the time.
It's actually better to not bein each other's face all the
time.
So I, I, that's not what I'mtrying.
That's not what I'm saying thatI need, like, I'm not saying I
need to be in your life all thetime, but we need to have, I
(02:56):
feel like we need to still havegood communication and
Angie Yu (03:03):
We need to connect.
Kristy Yee (03:05):
yes.
Yes.
And I feel like the, what I havebeen feeling lately is there has
been a disconnect.
Angie Yu (03:13):
I agree with that.
I know exactly where you'recoming from, because I feel that
too.
And for me, it's like, it's likewhat goes on said, right?
Like for me, it's like, oh,well, you know, she's, she's
busy with school and like, I'mbusy with.
baby, a dog
Kristy Yee (03:30):
Yeah.
Have many babies.
Angie Yu (03:32):
have many babies that this is my other baby.
Oh my God.
This is like my second marriage.
Kristy Yee (03:37):
Oh, my gosh.
Angie Yu (03:38):
God.
Yeah.
My second baby.
So maybe that's like, that'slike a whole thing too.
And like, you know yeah.
Kristy Yee (03:47):
and even like with your partner moving in, like
that's still relatively, youknow, a new thing to have to
learn, to adjust.
And then, and then on top ofthat, you guys have a baby
together.
Angie Yu (04:00):
yeah.
And that's, that was one of thethings I was going to bring up.
That was one of my priorities.
It's like managing a household,which sounds really, you know,
everyone, if you hear it, itsounds like, oh, I have to do
the things like why is this awoman always had to do that?
I'm just better at it.
I'm just more organized.
I can
Kristy Yee (04:20):
you just, you choose to do it now because you have to
Angie Yu (04:22):
Yeah.
Just like FYI choose to do itand I'm happy to do it, but it's
definitely a lot of work tomanage a household.
Like it's a lot of work and my,my respect for like, homemakers
or just moms who are likefull-time workers and they have
side hustles and they take careof the baby.
Of course the partner is thereto help.
Right.
But it's just like, there's somuch going on.
(04:44):
And obviously my respect levelhas for that has gone up.
Like it's not easy.
So that's like my big, one of mybiggest, time suckers.
Kristy Yee (04:56):
Yeah.
And, and I'm not there, you knowwhat I mean?
And so I totally, I get it.
There's so much going on in yourlife right now.
There's so many new things.
I know all of these thingshappen, you know, a few months
ago, but I still consider themnew and it takes time to adjust
(05:17):
and get to your flow and like,Settle into that life.
And so I feel like, okay, andshe's really busy because you
have a dog, but on top of that,you are also adjusting living
(05:38):
with a new human and a dog, andyou recently got a promotion.
Angie Yu (05:47):
Yep.
Kristy Yee (05:48):
So I'm like, okay, Angie has so much new stuff
going on in her life right now.
I understand why the podcastwouldn't be as high of a
priority.
I think what I'm feeling is Iwant to know you're still
committed.
Angie Yu (06:08):
Yes, definitely.
Kristy Yee (06:11):
Okay.
Angie Yu (06:11):
So for me, like I think we talked about this
before.
We were like, oh, what can youlike, what, what milestone would
just make you super happy?
And for me, one of them is like,oh, when we hit 100 episodes,
right?
Like three digit, that's stilldefinitely in my, in the works.
(06:32):
I can see where you're comingfrom.
Where, because I've been kind ofabsent for the last couple of
months.
because it's not that I have adog, I have a puppy.
Like, I think that's different.
Like you're right.
Actually, I didn't even thinkabout how many new things are
going on in my.
And those new things.
(06:52):
Aren't exactly.
What's taking up all my time.
So it's a huge adjustment for meand yeah, I didn't even think
about it like that.
So that's really good.
Like you're, you know, me reallywell, even if you, even if you
haven't seen me in person for awhile and like yeah.
(07:13):
Pen timing and all that stuff,and now that the restrictions
are eased up and you canactually come over and do
podcast stuff with me, you're inToronto.
Right?
So like we're living in twodifferent cities.
Not that I blame you for that.
It's just, yeah.
The circumstances.
and that's why I was like, oh,we should sit down and talk
about like the realities of ourcurrent situation and the
(07:34):
expectations and what ourtimeline is like.
Kristy Yee (07:43):
Yeah.
And I love that, you know, whenyou, when I first messaged you
and I'm like, oh, I'm notfeeling so good.
And I think we should talk.
And then you, you came up withthat idea of like, yeah, let's
talk about our realities andexpectations.
I thought, first of all, Ithought that was a great idea.
But second, and I think moreimportantly, it, it gave me
(08:05):
reassurance like, okay, yes,Angie is still committed.
And I feel like, I feel like I'min a relationship where, you
know, Like a romanticrelationship.
I feel like, because this is asclose as I can, I can compare it
to, cause I've never had a,project baby partner before, you
know, so it's as close as I cancompare it to is having a
(08:27):
romantic relationship.
You go through the honeymoonphase and then you're, you're
married and you're committed andyou have this thing together.
And sometimes the relationshiphits a rut or it lulls and
that's completely normal andthat's okay.
And I, I get why you need toprioritize other things in your
(08:48):
life right now.
So I don't fault you for thatbecause I get it.
Like these are important thingsand they're all happening at the
same fucking time.
I just feel like.
I need reassurance from mypartner that you still love me.
And you're still committed tothis.
(09:08):
Tell me you still love me andyou want to stay in this
relationship.
Angie Yu (09:12):
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
But like I, of course, like,okay, I can totally see where
you're coming from.
Cause I literally went throughthis with my boyfriend.
There was a period of time whereI was like, I need reassurance
about this.
So like, I know exactly whereyou're coming from.
And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry thatyou like felt uninsured.
but I was also really happy thatyou came to me and was like a,
(09:36):
I'm not feeling so good aboutthis.
We need to talk.
And I was like, yeah, actuallywe, I think we do.
And I think as soon as youbrought that up, I was like,
Hmm, what has been going on inmy life?
Because I've just been sofocused on like each day so far
that I haven't really like leanback and thought about what's
(09:56):
actually going on in my life.
If that
Kristy Yee (09:59):
I mean, it's, it totally makes sense because it's
always hard to step back andlook at the big picture when you
are the first person, when youare the main character of your
own story.
Angie Yu (10:09):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (10:11):
So anyways, that's how I've been feeling and when
you're like, okay.
Yes, let's talk.
That's a good idea.
Let's talk about all thesethings.
I'm like, okay.
That's a, that's a sign and juststill wants to be in this
relationship.
Angie Yu (10:27):
I mean, that's not to say that there weren't doubts.
I think that's normal.
I think that the point where I'mlike first I was doubting like,
oh my God, why did I get apuppy?
It's so much work.
And then I was doubting like,oh, can I, can I do this thing
where, I have like a full-timejob that I'm committed to like,
do I want to keep moving up thisladder, with more
(10:50):
responsibilities because it'sdefinitely gonna continue like
increase.
And then, and then I'm like, oh,do I even have time to commit to
the.
Podcast.
And I have been obviously likedoubts about everything in my
life comes up.
Right.
But at the end of the day, I'mlike, no, no, no.
Like having doubts about thingsdoesn't mean that you don't want
(11:12):
them, if anything, it means thatyou do want them and you just
want to make sure that you canactually put a good effort into
all of them.
Kristy Yee (11:22):
commit to it to the degree that you want to commit
to it
Angie Yu (11:26):
that's right.
Like you don't want to havethat.
That is important to me.
And I guess lately, maybe I was,you know what, I think I can
admit that I was a bit avoidantabout talking to you about this
because I was like, oh, I don'twant to let her down.
I don't want to hurt herfeelings.
I know she has stuff going ontoo.
Maybe I just need to like workthrough this on my own first.
Kristy Yee (11:49):
and isn't like, think about the parallels to
that.
And then, and then
Angie Yu (11:52):
in a relationship.
Kristy Yee (11:56):
like one partner just keeps it all to themselves
and they feel, you know, alittle bit disconnected as well,
but they're like, I'll just workthrough it myself and I'll,
I'll, I'll figure it out withoutcommunicating with the other
person.
And then, and then I'm heresitting and I'm feeling all icky
about things and I'm like, okay,well, okay, Angie has all these
(12:17):
things going on and says, yes.
And then I just kind of ignoremy own feeling of neglect and
disappointment.
And, but I'm wallowing it bymyself instead of sharing it
with you, instead of seeinglike, Hey, you know, this, does
(12:38):
it make me feel good when X, Y,Z happens.
Angie Yu (12:43):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (12:45):
And it's been like over two months, that's kind of
a long time.
Angie Yu (12:50):
that is a long time.
Yeah, but it's good though.
We're talking about it.
Kristy Yee (12:55):
Yeah.
Angie Yu (12:57):
And I think it's interesting because yeah, you're
right.
Like, this is a new kind ofrelationship for both of us and
whether or not a relationship isromantic or not like it's a
relationship.
It has all the same like needs,as a relationship, like spending
time together, connecting,communicating, like those and
(13:18):
kindness, right?
Like those are all reallyimportant for any sort of
relationship.
So I think we're both like, likefor me, I like was thinking
about all my own, like, I don'twant to hurt her feelings.
I'm just going to try to figurethis out on my own for you.
It's like, I don't want to bringit up because maybe you were
(13:38):
afraid that the answer would belike, yeah.
You know what, by that does thatsound right?
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (13:46):
Yeah.
Angie Yu (13:50):
You know why I'm like so aware, like as soon as I made
that connection in my head, itwas like, yeah, this is exactly
like when you reached that partof the relationship where the
honeymoon phase is kind of overand you don't know if the other
person is going to be committedor not.
Because I had this, I wentthrough this exact same thing
with, with Nick and I was stillseeing my therapist at the time.
(14:12):
So I brought it up with her andI told her, I was like, it's not
like I want to get married rightnow.
It's I'm like, I want to havekids right now, but I need to
know that, like, I want to know,oh, I just want to, I need to
know that he is committed tothis relationship and that he
wants the same thing in thefuture.
Kristy Yee (14:29):
Yep.
That's that's, that's,
Angie Yu (14:31):
The same thing.
Kristy Yee (14:32):
that's where I'm at right now.
I'm like, I get it.
You have all these things.
I can be very understanding ofthat.
I just need to know that this isstill part of your future.
Angie Yu (14:41):
Yeah.
And it is, and it is, oh my God.
Kristy Yee (14:49):
I love me.
And you're committed.
You want to be my baby mama?
Angie Yu (14:55):
So funny.
this is so interesting,
Kristy Yee (15:02):
well, I, like I said earlier, I we've, neither of us
have been in a relationship likethis.
We've we've dated people, sothis is as close as we can
compare it to.
Angie Yu (15:16):
Yeah,
Kristy Yee (15:17):
when you think about, yeah, exactly.
And I think because there's alevel of responsibility that's
involved, like when you areliving with someone, when you
were committed in, in a romanticrelationship, there is a level
of responsibility becausethere's like stuff you have to
take care of.
(15:38):
Whereas in a regular platonicrelationship.
Yes.
Communication, understanding,empathy, kindness.
Those are all still integralparts of any relationship.
But a lot of times there's,there's like, there's not a
responsibility component to it.
And when I say responsibility, Imean, like for the podcast we
(16:00):
have to put in work, like wehave to, we got to do certain
things by certain times there'sdeadlines.
There's you know what I mean?
It's like working with yourpartner, you got to fucking
housemate.
Yeah, exactly.
But when you're with friends,there's, there's not that that's
not part of the equation.
Angie Yu (16:23):
Okay.
I think I understand what you'resaying.
Yeah.
Because for like a typicalfriendship, the needs aren't as
there aren't as many needs,you're you're the most, like I
would say for a typicalfriendship, the key needs that
you need.
(16:43):
So eloquent, like the, the, themost like important things you
need between friends is like,you need someone to be there for
you, potentially sometimes asounding board, someone that,
you know, you can trust and thatyou can go to, I can spend time
with, you know, that they'llalways be there for you in times
of need, but it's not like aconstant thing and it's not,
(17:05):
there's no like specificfrequent.
Whereas when you have a businesspartner you're right.
Like there are a lot ofresponsibilities.
There are way more needs.
You need way more communication.
and all that stuff.
So it takes, definitely takes afriendship to a completely
different level.
And because you're right,because there's like a
(17:26):
commitment, there's morepressure as well.
And there's more expectations.
And whenever there's morepressure, more expectations,
there's also a lot more roomfor, not wanting to disappoint
the other person, not hurtingthe other person's feelings.
and then I think that's where itcan lead to a lot of avoidance
(17:48):
or anxiety because yeah, becauselike a relationship, sometimes
you just like, you're not surewhat's going to happen.
Kristy Yee (17:58):
Yup.
yeah, because there's thatadditional component of having
responsibilities.
And there's the extra componentof having expectations, then you
don't want to disappoint theother person.
It just feels like there's a lotmore at stake.
Angie Yu (18:17):
yes, that's right.
Kristy Yee (18:19):
And then it also, because there's those extra
layers too.
If we don't understand eachother's expectations, then
there's more room formiscommunication.
Angie Yu (18:30):
Yes, absolutely.
We're just responding to eachother with yes.
Or you can do a coupletherapists or a couples therapy
asks you do.
Yes.
I hear what you're saying.
I think we're on the same pagein terms of understanding where
we're at, but we just need toactually sit down and
(18:51):
communicate our expectations andthen manage them.
Kristy Yee (18:56):
okay.
So let's, let's do that.
Angie Yu (19:02):
Okay.
So I can go first.
So my current priorities, whichwe already talked about is one
my, my new, my new promotion,sort of new ESC.
Kristy Yee (19:13):
I'm calling it new, straight up.
Angie Yu (19:15):
Yeah.
And that's something I w I amcommitted to right now, because
you know, I did go through thisperiod of time in my life where
I was in an all time low, and Icould not perform my work.
I could not do.
Is expected of an employee or ateam member.
(19:36):
And I was surprised so manytimes that they hadn't fired me,
but I think they valued everyoneon the team.
It's a small firm.
They're not going to cut theirlosses, just Willy nilly.
They were very interested inseeing me getting better.
So for me, this is almost like Ifeel responsible to kind of show
(19:57):
that I appreciate everythingthat they did for me.
And then I need to show that Ican be a good team member and be
reliable.
So that's definitely one of mypriorities right now.
And of course the other prioritywould just be like the home that
I'm living in.
Like, I need to manage thishome.
(20:18):
I have a partner that supports,but I take the lead in terms of
organization and.
Doing all that stuff, kind oflike what you do with the
podcast, but that's what I do.
for my relationship, my, myromantic slash home
relationship.
And then the other one part ofmanaging the household would be
(20:39):
taking care of my puppy.
So those are our three biggestpriorities right now.
Like you said, they're allrelatively new.
And I think that's, what's kindof stretching me thin a bit.
And what I expect in terms ofthe timeline is as I'm settling
into this dynamic of my life,there's still a lot of things to
(21:03):
hash out right now.
Kristy Yee (21:04):
What are your expectations from me?
Angie Yu (21:10):
Oh, that's a good question.
I think that's the harderquestion.
I think a lot of theexpectations I have from you,
like, you're pretty good withthose.
Like I expect you to take thelead on organizing the podcast,
which you have always been doingnow, whether or not that's
(21:32):
something you can handle, we canhave a conversation about.
and one of the otherexpectations I guess, is for you
to, how do I phrase it?
Call me out if you need to.
Right.
Like it it'll be a difficultconversation to have.
And it's probably, I don't thinkit's fair that this will have to
(21:53):
sit on you only.
So I think that's why I don'treally, it's not really an
expectation anymore.
I think that was the, I thinkthat was the like subconscious
expectation prior to thisconversation.
But after you text me, texted meand you were like, let's talk.
(22:13):
I thought about it.
I was like, oh, you know what?
That's not really fair for me toexpect Christie to always
initiate these conversations.
So right now for me, myexpectations for you kind of is
on confirmed.
Kristy Yee (22:31):
Sometimes I feel like I am micromanaging and then
I feel shit for doing that.
Angie Yu (22:44):
One, you don't have to feel guilty for that, but two,
you also shouldn't have to dothat.
So I think I need to step up aswell.
And that's funny because Iliterally had this conversation
with Nick the other day and I'mlike, he's like, why do you
always get mad at me?
I'm like, because I have to nagyou to do something.
And then I hate it because Ifeel guilty about nagging you
(23:07):
about it.
And then, and then it's justthis like vicious cycle.
He's like, I really don't careif you need to nag me for me to
do something, just nag me.
And I was like, fine on that.
And then, but then the thing islike, I hate doing that.
So I shouldn't expect you to dothat in our podcast
relationship.
Kristy Yee (23:29):
How do you feel when I do that?
Angie Yu (23:33):
I feel guilty obviously.
Maybe not.
It's maybe it's not thatobvious, but I definitely feel
guilty like, oh, like Ishouldn't need Kristy to get to
the point where she feels likeshe has to micromanage.
What I do is she should be ableto trust me, that I'll do
(23:53):
things.
If I say I'm going to do them,but of course I feel like shit,
when I can't do that more, Ican't meet those expectations.
Kristy Yee (24:08):
Hmm.
I mean, I guess that's where thecommunication comes in is if you
feel like you're in a placewhere you cannot meet the
expectations, then you let meknow.
And then I step up.
Angie Yu (24:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (24:28):
I have the capacity to step up
Angie Yu (24:31):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (24:32):
and if not, then, then we can have another
conversation.
But I think for me, exactly likehow you describe it, I feel
guilty for nagging and I feellike I should just trust Angie's
gonna do it.
(24:54):
And then I feel like every timeI nag it hurts our relationship.
And that's what, that's whatmakes me feel bad because you're
coming.
Angie Yu (25:12):
oh my God so from the other side is like every time
you, I don't even think about a,you as you nagging, but for me,
it's like, oh, I'm disappointingChristie.
So that's where I'm coming from.
I don't even think about that.
You're nagging.
All I can think about is like,I'm disappointing her, maybe I'm
not cut out to do this.
(25:36):
That's when my doubts come in.
Like maybe I don't have the timeor that I just, maybe I do have
the time.
I just don't know how to managemy time.
And that's always been like astruggle for me in every aspect
of my life is time managementand it takes me a while to kind
(25:57):
of really, really actually wrapmy head around that.
Like even I work, I came back towork.
So for those of you who don'tknow, which is probably a lot of
you or all of you, except mycoworkers and close friends is
that I took about four monthsoff, back in 2020, right before
(26:18):
the pandemic.
I went on a mental health leavefrom work.
so I was on short-termdisability.
And that four months off for mewas very, very helpful for that.
But then coming back to work, Icould not just dive in.
It was very gradual and my workwas very supportive.
(26:40):
They didn't give me, they onlygave me like 50% of my workflow
to be in with, and they didn'teven deduct any pay.
Like that's, that's one of theother reasons why I want to put
work as a priority, especially,not, not to the point where
like, Ruins my work-life balancebecause I would never let that
happen because, you know, but,
Kristy Yee (27:03):
We know better now,
Angie Yu (27:04):
yeah, exactly.
to not burn out.
but
Kristy Yee (27:08):
but when you want to thank them, it's, it's a way for
you to give back because theywere there for you.
And now you're in a place whereyou can take on more
responsibilities.
You're you have the capacity andyou want to be able to show
appreciate.
Angie Yu (27:25):
Yeah.
So the point that I'm trying toget to is it took me a while to
actually get to that placebecause for me, time management
is a struggle and it takes metime to really process what's
going on in my life and how Ineed to allocate my time and
resources and energy to what isrequired of me.
(27:49):
So for the podcast, that wouldgo the same way.
And I, I'm very appreciativethat you're really understanding
that right now.
Kristy Yee (28:01):
And I think that's something that I need to be more
understanding and gentle aboutthe time management thing for
me.
It's, it's the, it's the littlethings, not the big picture.
(28:23):
It's like, like coming to ameeting on time, you know?
I think because time managementis.
Angie Yu (28:37):
strong suit of yours.
Kristy Yee (28:39):
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not a strong suit by allmeans.
I'm still very much working onunderstanding how I can best
manage my time.
And I think that lots of peoplecan relate to that, but I value
time management.
Angie Yu (28:56):
Mm.
Kristy Yee (28:57):
I feel like I'm, I'm being disrespected of my time
yeah.
Like when you come late to ameeting and shit happens all the
time, I'm late for meetings, youknow, like I wake up late and,
and I get that.
(29:21):
So I don't know if it'ssomething I need to just reflect
on myself and see if I'm just ahypocrite.
Angie Yu (29:30):
no, no, no.
I think that's a, I think that'svery fair.
Like, You know, like when peoplesay like, oh, Asian time, you
know, like, you know what Imean?
Like everyone's like, oh, likeyou always budget like 10 to 15
minutes of the other personbeing late or whatever.
But if I know that this issomething you value, then of
course I'm going to make aneffort to do that.
(29:52):
So I guess that's another one ofthose things where it's left
unsaid and then missunderstandings happen.
So you think that I'mdisrespecting your time and, you
know, obviously I don't mean todisrespect your time, but if
that's the effect of my actions,then of course that's bad.
so knowing that this issomething you value, then I'm
going to make an extra effort tomake sure that this doesn't
(30:15):
happen.
And if it does happen, then I'llcommunicate about it.
You know what I mean?
Kristy Yee (30:20):
And, you know, we're, we're always learning new
things about another person.
You can never know, you know,what a person's values are right
away.
So I feel like, you know, afterwhat a year and a half into our
relationship, and we're learninga bit more about each other and
(30:42):
how we operate and our values, Ifeel like this is really good.
Angie Yu (30:46):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (30:48):
So I value I value times.
and even things like, you know,like a few minutes before I
think you'd be like, yo, I gotit.
I need a little like 10 moreminutes or 15 more.
I'm totally okay with that.
As long as you just let me know.
Angie Yu (31:05):
You mean like the time where you got here on time?
And I was like, ah, I need tohave sex with my boyfriend.
And then you waited downstairs.
Kristy Yee (31:17):
Oh, my God.
I didn't even think about that.
Angie Yu (31:22):
So understanding, and I'm like, oh my God, I would
have the worst thing of you.
Kristy Yee (31:26):
I was very okay with that.
Angie Yu (31:28):
Cause I completely communicated where I was coming
from.
Kristy Yee (31:31):
Yeah.
As long as you, you tell me,even if it's a few minutes
before, you know, whatever,whatever thing it is that we
have scheduled, even if it'sjust a few minutes and you tell
me what's going on, why this ishappening, then it's all good.
Angie Yu (31:45):
Yeah.
So there you go.
That's the expectations.
So like for most people it'slike, oh yeah.
Five to 10 minutes is fine.
but obviously if I need like 20to 30 minutes, then it's like
where the threshold is.
Right.
So if I know now that like, Hey,you expect me to be on time.
When we say 10 30 or one 30 onyour hand, then I should be here
at 10 30 slash one 30.
(32:06):
And if I'm not, then not.
Kristy Yee (32:07):
Yes, exactly.
Angie Yu (32:08):
Great.
Kristy Yee (32:11):
Okay.
That's great.
I got that off my chest.
So my current priorities school,very obvious my mental health
and that's what I can think of.
Angie Yu (32:27):
I think another priority of yours is also
enjoying your time, enjoying thenews.
Kristy Yee (32:38):
I'm lumping that into mental health.
Angie Yu (32:39):
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Kristy Yee (32:42):
So I am trying to,
Angie Yu (32:45):
You can be specific about it.
Kristy Yee (32:47):
well, I I'm noticing, I mean, I've only been
here for like three months andI'm noticing, I, I am noticing
that I am noticing my goodnesswhere it see, this is why we
need to hang out more and talkmore because otherwise words
(33:08):
don't come out I feel like inthe last few months I have
become a bit more aware of whenmy mental health starts to dip.
I've becoming more sensitive tonoticing how my body and how my
brain is reacting and feeling.
And I think that's a, I thinkthat's was a great thing.
I'm like celebrating on theinside because you know, it's
(33:31):
always, I think it's a goodthing to be more introspective
and have more connection withyour body before it gets.
Before it gets too late, liketoo far on the ends of the
spectrum, basically.
Right?
So I've noticed that, which isgreat, but it also means that
my, my mental health wave,instead of going giant peaks,
(33:56):
like really low to really high,the sounds like I'm describing
bipolar, but that's not what I'mtrying to just say, but
basically instead of leaving itall the way till I burn out and
then having to take a long timeleave, and having these gaps
between my spikes, I am nownoticing waves, but these waves
are a lot closer together.
(34:16):
So I'm having ups and downs inhigher frequencies.
Does that make sense?
Angie Yu (34:21):
Yes.
Yes.
Kristy Yee (34:22):
Last time we really talked about my feelings and
where I'm at.
That was when I first moved toToronto and I was feeling a lot
of anxiety and for school, forbeing in a new place.
And then I felt better like amonth after that.
And having that conversationwith you, I felt like, Hey, you
know what, I'm a month intothis.
(34:45):
Or two months into this, I'mgetting the hang of it, I think
is possible.
I think I can finish thesemester.
I think I'm getting into a flow.
So I felt better.
And then recently in the lastmonth we're approaching end of
term.
And so she's just wrapping up,like she's getting real.
(35:05):
Okay.
And then on top of that, I'm,I'm working as well.
So I'm working as a TA and thatmeans that this is a fuck ton of
marking and students trying tomeet with me.
And, you know, so it's like,it's getting intense.
So in the last few months it waslike fucking intense and I start
(35:26):
to think, oh my gosh, now, nowI'm back to feeling not so good.
And I'm back to a dip in mymental health, because
externally there's so much morethings pulling at me.
And, you know, you spreadingyourself thin basically, right?
Typically I don't feel typicallymy waves aren't that close.
(35:49):
It doesn't go from likeSeptember low and then a October
plateau and then a November dipagain.
You know what I mean?
But because I'm more cognizantof that now and about my own
feelings, I am trying toprioritize taking care of my
(36:11):
mental health because I'mnoticing the frequency more,
even though they're theintensity is less
Angie Yu (36:19):
I think that's great.
Kristy Yee (36:21):
I'm like, where am I going with
Angie Yu (36:23):
No, no, no.
I think that's absolutely great.
Like, like, I, I know exactlywhat you mean and I think that's
good managing it a little bit bylittle, like what you said.
it's the little things thatmatter, right?
So like having a big talk aboutwhere we are with the podcast,
(36:44):
sometimes isn't as helpful asyou going, Hey, I expect you to
be on time and.
I think the same thing can besaid for our mental health,
because it's more instead ofexpectations about someone else
it's expectations aboutyourself.
Kristy Yee (36:59):
Which is also a relationship to work on.
Angie Yu (37:02):
Exactly.
Absolutely.
I think that is part of managingyour anxiety and your depression
episodes, and also just managingyour own happiness.
Kristy Yee (37:19):
I guess in the last few months, I also feel like I
have been slacking off on thepodcast and sometimes I feel
guilty about it, but sometimes Idon't and that's new for me
because I think Christie wouldhave a lot of expectations on
(37:47):
meeting deadlines and doingthings when, you know, Doing
things.
When I say I'm going to be doingthings like we have specific
days in the week where wededicate to working on the
podcast.
And so if on that day I couldnot work on the podcast because
(38:08):
of whatever reason, then I feelreally bad about it.
And old Christie would just doit anyways.
I will just like, not sleepbecause I said, I'm going to do
it today.
I'm going to do it today.
And I'm going to, I said, I'mgoing to put in these many hours
into it.
So I'm going to put in thesemany hours into it, regardless
of like everything else goingon.
So now, because my, my priorityfor my mental health is a lot
(38:37):
higher.
I will, I might not work on thepodcast.
On the Thursday and I'll justfucking do it Friday night.
You know what I mean?
And that's, that's totally okay.
And so I'm kind of like allowingmyself to do that, but, but
(39:00):
because it's new, it's a growthprocess.
It's really uncomfortable.
So then I feel guilty for doingthat even though it's totally
okay.
And I know you don't give afuck.
Angie Yu (39:13):
Yeah, but it doesn't matter what, I think this is
your own process.
So I liked the part where yousaid you're also okay with it.
Kristy Yee (39:20):
I mean, like you don't give a fuck of whether or
not I did podcast work on aThursday or a
Angie Yu (39:26):
Exactly.
Yeah, exactly.
Because it's your own process.
And especially since we're notmeeting and doing it together, I
mean, I've been doing that.
Like I was like, oh, like I needto work Thursday night.
Cause I have something dueFriday.
Yeah.
So I'll just work on it Fridaynight or Saturday when I have
more brain capacity.
(39:48):
And that's just, yeah.
And that's just whatever we cando to help ourselves manage all
the things we have to all theother things we have to manage.
So how do you feel about youbeing able to take a step back
and not having such highexpectations of yourself?
Kristy Yee (40:09):
In general, I feel like it's going to be a good
thing in the long run becausethat's going to help me manage
my anxiety and also manageexpectations from other people
as well, because I can't expectpeople to work like how I work.
And I also shouldn't be puttingso much.
(40:36):
Stress on myself when, when it'snot that big of a deal.
And I, and maybe this ties intothe whole, you know, time
management scheduling shit.
Right?
Cause I'm, I'm very intoscheduling stuff.
(40:56):
I plan my schedules like monthsin advance.
Here's here's an example.
Y'all's this is how much of howmuch I care about scheduling.
When I have my, at the beginningof semester, you know, you get a
course, outline a rubric,whatever, and these are all the
(41:17):
due dates.
Right?
And then these are all thereadings.
So I went through every singleone of my course, and yes, every
people put in like majorprojects due dates and
everything like that.
But I schedule time of when I'mgoing to work on projects and
due dates.
Into my calendar.
So basically I had my entireschool calendar of which date
(41:39):
I'm going to work on, whichassignment for how many days for
how many hours.
And of course have the due datein the calendar, like four
months prior.
So since September, all I do isI just rely on my calendar to
tell me what homework I have todo.
And I, I would've planned thatsince September.
(41:59):
So, whereas I think most peoplejust, I think, I think most
people would just put in the duedates and then figure it out
when it's like a week beforeit's due.
You know what I mean?
But I will plan at least threeweeks in advance, three to four
weeks in events, and schedule intime to work on that assignment
(42:23):
weeks before it's due.
And I would have set, I wouldhave planned all of that back.
Angie Yu (42:31):
don't think there's anything wrong with that per se,
because if that's your processand that's your process, I think
it becomes unhealthy when youhold yourself to the standard
that if you don't do it thatday, because something else has
come up, then you stay up until3:00 AM doing it.
Kristy Yee (42:47):
Yeah, exactly.
So that's what I'm, I'm I'vebeen letting go right
Angie Yu (42:52):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (42:53):
old Christy would have done exactly what you had
just said, and it's not ahealthy way to, to do things.
And I've learned to be a lotmore flexible as long as I just
get shit done.
Right.
And so I will move things aroundin my calendar all the time, but
because this shift to a betterme is new.
(43:19):
It's still an uncomfortableprocess to do.
Angie Yu (43:24):
Okay.
Kristy Yee (43:25):
So you asked me how I feel about it.
I feel good.
I'm like great.
I'm, you know, I'm not sofucking uptight all the time.
And, and it's working better forme.
It's working for all the peoplearound me.
Right.
I don't have to fuckingmicromanage people.
So
Angie Yu (43:44):
you were about to say, but
Kristy Yee (43:46):
I think I was
Angie Yu (43:48):
I looked like you were about to say, but
Kristy Yee (43:49):
think I was, and then I changed it.
I, oh God.
Now I forgot what I was going tosay.
So I see all, a lot of thebenefits, but I'm still going
through the uncomfortableprocess of adapting to something
new.
Anyways,
Angie Yu (44:10):
that's very good.
I think that's very, self-awareso
Kristy Yee (44:14):
I don't know what
Angie Yu (44:15):
great.
Self-awareness And I'm proud ofyou for doing that.
Kristy Yee (44:18):
Those are my priorities, my expectations, I
think picture wise.
Once upon a time, Angie and Isat down and we looked at all of
the responsibilities that weneed to do in the podcast.
And we basically split them upwith the, with the expectation,
(44:41):
oh my God, this just work keepscoming up in this episode with
the expectation that if theother person cannot do certain
things that they in theirdomain, that the other person
will step up, which I am stillhappily able to do.
I think my general expectationis we just deliver in the
(45:02):
domains that we are responsiblefor.
Angie Yu (45:09):
Yes.
So maybe when I was gonna say,so maybe one of the things that
we should do is re revisit thatlist of domains and to see if
it's still realistic for us tostick to what we had first
(45:30):
established once upon a timewhen our priorities were
completely different.
Kristy Yee (45:34):
That was my next question was, do we need to
revisit?
Angie Yu (45:40):
I think we should.
I think that's, I think that's asmart move.
Kristy Yee (45:45):
Okay.
Because I think that's where,you know, some of that
micromanaging thing comes inbecause I'm like, okay, well, I
don't want to be telling Andrewwhat to do, but Andrew says,
she's going to do these things.
You know what I mean?
And then, and then you don't dothat to me, which is why I feel
(46:06):
like I feel bad because I'm,yeah.
I feel like a micromanager andnobody likes a micromanager.
So I feel like I'm, I'm a, I'm abad person.
That's what I feel
Angie Yu (46:19):
Oh, is a bad person if I've ever learned anything.
So, but I, I understand whereyou're coming from and I'm sorry
that you have to feel like youhave to micromanage and then
feel bad about it.
Cause that's not nice either.
Like that's not something niceto go through in that.
I feel like a bad person becauseI'm not meeting those,
(46:43):
expectations that we hadoriginally established.
Then I feel like the bad person,because you feel.
Bad and then you have tomicromanage and then you feel
bad about micromanagy.
So it's like a vicious cycle.
Kristy Yee (46:56):
Exactly.
And then it's just like stirringa whole bunch of bad feelings
and then it gets all mucky.
Right.
And then you add on top of that,we're in two different cities.
We have different schedules.
Now we have new things happeningin our life and we haven't
really been just talking orconnecting since.
Angie Yu (47:20):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (47:21):
so I think a combination of all of those
things together is, is whatdrove us to have this
conversation to begin with.
Angie Yu (47:33):
Yup.
Kristy Yee (47:36):
Okay.
So,
Angie Yu (47:40):
So how do you feel about all this now that we've
erred out our own feelings anduncover some of the stuff that
we have swept under the.
Kristy Yee (47:50):
well, big picture wise, I feel relieved that you
are, this is still veryimportant to you and confirming,
you know, your commitment to it.
I feel, I feel good that we'refinally talking about it cause
it's, it's been awhile.
(48:13):
So I'm glad that we're havingthis conversation and you're
right.
Like.
Having infrequent big talks isnot that great.
It's better to have frequentsmall talks
Angie Yu (48:25):
Yeah.
Just like you're managing yourups and lows.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (48:30):
yeah, exactly.
And I think this goes for anyrelationship is to have a lot
more small talks.
And I hope that from ourconversation today, we will be
able to, I have more small talksand connect more so that we
(48:52):
don't have a pilot dust bunnies.
And, you know, we just cleanonce a week said, I love, you
know,
Angie Yu (49:02):
Oh, my God.
That's see.
That's the thing that's like,it's not just for me, like, like
the emotional dust bunnies, likethere are literally physical
dust bunnies in my house and I'mjust like, oh my God.
and yeah, and we need help inthose, in those scenarios.
So I'm glad you feel relieved.
Kristy Yee (49:23):
I still feel like I am the villain in this in
today's podcast episode,
Angie Yu (49:30):
Are you serious?
I feel like I'm the villain.
Kristy Yee (49:33):
oh my God.
Angie Yu (49:35):
'cause, we're all, we're all like hard on ourselves
and we can't expect ourselves tobe perfect, but then we expect
yourself to be perfect to theother person.
I feel like we have talked aboutso many things, today and
(49:56):
rehashed out a lot of thingsthat we need time to kind of
process.
Kristy Yee (50:00):
Hm.
Angie Yu (50:01):
And I don't think that it would serve us well, if we
just try to dive in and recheckour domain, because that's going
to take a whole other mentalcapacity.
Kristy Yee (50:14):
Yeah, I agree.
I don't think we should do thattoday, especially because we
spent, we put a lot of effortand even having this
conversation.
Angie Yu (50:23):
That's right.
Exactly.
And I don't want to cheapen itby turning into a meeting.
Kristy Yee (50:34):
Wow well said,
Angie Yu (50:37):
Right.
Because I think.
I think it's a good example thatyou don't have to have a
meaningful conversation to get aresult right away.
Kristy Yee (50:51):
and I think it also means like you don't have to
have everything figured out inone session because you would
just cannot.
I think the fact that we're evenhaving this conversation is a
big step forward.
I feel great that we had thisconversation.
I feel great to know that we'reboth still committed and this is
important to us.
(51:11):
I realize even more so becauseI'm saying it out loud.
How, how much of a not niceperson I have been?
I think, but it's a, it's a goodthing because I need to really
think about my,
Angie Yu (51:32):
Expectations.
Kristy Yee (51:33):
Yeah, exactly.
My own expectations, my ownvalues and like my own
priorities and, and my desirefor.
Flexibility.
so I feel good about a lot ofaspects in this conversation,
(51:54):
but I also feel, I still feelheavy and uncomfortable knowing
that knowing that there isn't animmediate solution, which is
okay, I just need to like, sitwith that.
And also knowing that there arestill things for us to work on.
(52:19):
So basically what I'm trying tosay is real life, when you do
have these conversations with animportant person in your life,
that it doesn't always need toequal rainbows and butterflies.
And, you know, let's, let's goeat cupcakes that it can feel
(52:42):
heavy and that's totally okay.
We don't have to have all thesolution and that might not feel
so good either, but that's alsookay, because you have to manage
your own mental capacity and, wehave plans to revisit and
(53:04):
continue our conversation at alater date, which is also
important because you want tohave continuous plans is not
just like let's do it once anddust off our hands and peace,
you know?
so what I'm trying to say is Ifeel good about all the
benefits, but I still feeluncomfortable, but that's okay.
Angie Yu (53:29):
Yeah.
And I think I agree.
well, we, we have like, we'reprobably a little bit
emotionally exhausted from thisconversation, but it's important
to have this.
So I'm also glad that we hadthis conversation right now.
It feels heavy.
We need time to like sit withthem process and come back later
(53:50):
to revisit everything.
Like our action plans basically.
And
Kristy Yee (53:55):
plans.
Angie Yu (53:58):
I know you do.
And I think, I think anotherpart of it, I, this is there's
so much to be said about this.
but I think another part of thedifficulties of an adult
friendship is that we're so usedto going to friends as, a source
of our happiness, right?
(54:18):
Like growing up, we play withfriends, we hang out with them.
We do things we like with them.
We get away from our home life.
You know, if we get annoyed atour parents or our siblings that
we hang out with our friends, ithas always been like a stress
relieving thing to hang out withfriends.
But as we get older and whenthings become more complicated
(54:40):
in life and adult, adultrelationships and adult
friendships become fewer.
But more complex.
All these other things areintroduced into a like conflicts
and disagreements.
and that's something that wealso have to adjust to as we get
(55:02):
older, right.
That friendships, isn't just onedimensional and the one
dimensional friendships, usuallydon't last.
And that's been something thatI've been adapting to as well,
because especially like growingup, I've always tried to be like
a happy-go-lucky person.
(55:24):
I always felt like I've had toentertain people and make people
laugh.
Even if I'm not technically in avery good mood, that was kind of
like a coping mechanism to justshow how happy and great I'm
doing, even if I'm not, but asI've been through therapy, like.
(55:46):
That's not a role that I have toplay anymore.
Right.
And I feel like for me, that'salso something that I'm trying
to be okay with in adultfriendships to be more
vulnerable.
So that's why this conversation,like, I'm glad that I, that we
(56:10):
had this conversation, butdefinitely still makes me
uncomfortable.
Kristy Yee (56:19):
I have nothing to add to that.
Although I do want to say thatit's.
For some people it's okay tohave one dimensional
friendships.
I think different people havedifferent needs.
I feel like more, what am Itrying to say?
Angie Yu (56:46):
You can have a, okay.
I think like different baskets.
Kristy Yee (56:51):
baskets.
Yes.
And some people like to havejust a few close friends that
are, you know, not complex, butlike complex relationship with a
few close friends and perfectly,perfectly happy and content with
that.
And some people prefer to havemore peripheral friendships,
(57:12):
like maybe just a few reallyclose friends, but then they
also really enjoy having.
A friend that I only go hikingwith and like, oh, that's,
that's all I'm going to do.
You know?
Or, you know what I mean?
Like that the one dimensionalfriends, like some people are,
they, they might need thatbecause maybe they're an
extrovert and they like thriveoff energy from having lots of
(57:35):
people, different types ofpeople in their life.
And they're there for differentreasons.
So
Angie Yu (57:45):
that's a very good, other side to my, to my, what I
said, because obviously myexperience and my needs are
different from everyone else'sso
Kristy Yee (57:55):
but I think you are right.
As we get older, the friendshipsdo become more complex and we
see friends in all thesedifferent domains and all these
different areas, aspects of ourlives.
It's not just recess at school.
(58:16):
It's so much more and we all,and we all have to respect each
other's time and, and ourdifferent values and our
different lifestyles andschedules, and so many other
considerations that it makesthings more complicated.
So the, the more we adult andthe more we level up in
adulting, the more complicatedit is to in managing
(58:38):
relationships.
Angie Yu (58:39):
Yes.
Kristy Yee (58:39):
But I'm also saying it's okay to have some of these
recess friends as well.
That's cool too.
If you got some resist friendsand you want to just keep them
as recess friends as all good, Iguess I think that's it.
Angie Yu (58:55):
I think that's it too.
Yeah.
I don't really like, there's nosummary, I guess I don't
Kristy Yee (59:00):
There's no summary.
It's this is our shit moment.
And this is truly an Airshipmoment because it's.
Some tea that's been brewing fora long time and it got to the
point where it's just a littlebit bitter, so let's like talk
it out
Angie Yu (59:13):
Yeah.
That's
Kristy Yee (59:14):
that's what happened.
All right.
Angie Yu (59:17):
Okay.
Well, thanks for listening.
Y'all we'll see.
I keep saying, we'll see you onthe next episode.
Well speak.
Well, we'll see you sort ofdigitally tune in next time.
Okay,
Kristy Yee (59:37):
Bye.
Okay.
Angie Yu (00:03):
I guess it's been a while.
Kristy Yee (00:05):
It has been, and that's what that's part of the
problem.
Angie Yu (00:33):
relaxed.
Let's catch up a little bit.
the last time we talked, it waswhen you were really anxious
about school
Kristy Yee (00:41):
Okay.
Was that the last time we talkwas recording episode 32, the
anxiety episode.
Angie Yu (00:46):
that's what, that's the last time we like really
talked, we recorded themenstruation episode, et cetera.
But the last time we actuallytalked about like our lives was
that.
Kristy Yee (00:57):
See, and this is why I feel like I feel like there's
so much disconnect.
I used to see you twice a week,
Angie Yu (01:05):
Yeah,
Kristy Yee (01:06):
even during pandemic.
Angie Yu (01:08):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (01:09):
And I feel like I miss you, and I don't know
what's happening in your life.
And I feel like we're not
Angie Yu (01:22):
On the same wavelength,
Kristy Yee (01:24):
exactly
Angie Yu (01:25):
but we're still finishing each other's
sentences.
Kristy Yee (01:30):
And I just feel like I don't need us to be meeting,
you know, twice a week, becausepart of, part of when we did
that, it was half of it wasfunsies.
And I don't think we need to be.
In each other's lives like that.
But I also feel like if the lasttime we have actually talked
(01:52):
about our lives was back inSeptember, like two, two and a
half months ago.
Right.
That's a long time.
Angie Yu (02:04):
It has a long time, especially if we have a project
together, we have a babytogether, right?
Yeah.
It is a long time.
Kristy Yee (02:10):
exactly.
And I feel like the relationshipI have with you is so unique
compared to any of my otherfriends, because we have a baby
and, and it's a new territoryfor me.
And I honestly do feel like ourrelationship is like being in a
marriage and having a commitmentand having, having a fucking
(02:34):
baby as part of ourresponsibility.
And you know, when you'remarried, you know, You don't
have to be in each other's faceall of the time.
It's actually better to not bein each other's face all the
time.
So I, I, that's not what I'mtrying.
That's not what I'm saying thatI need, like, I'm not saying I
need to be in your life all thetime, but we need to have, I
(02:56):
feel like we need to still havegood communication and
Angie Yu (03:03):
We need to connect.
Kristy Yee (03:05):
yes.
Yes.
And I feel like the, what I havebeen feeling lately is there has
been a disconnect.
Angie Yu (03:13):
I agree with that.
I know exactly where you'recoming from, because I feel that
too.
And for me, it's like, it's likewhat goes on said, right?
Like for me, it's like, oh,well, you know, she's, she's
busy with school and like, I'mbusy with.
baby, a dog
Kristy Yee (03:30):
Yeah.
Have many babies.
Angie Yu (03:32):
have many babies that this is my other baby.
Oh my God.
This is like my second marriage.
Kristy Yee (03:37):
Oh, my gosh.
Angie Yu (03:38):
God.
Yeah.
My second baby.
So maybe that's like, that'slike a whole thing too.
And like, you know yeah.
Kristy Yee (03:47):
and even like with your partner moving in, like
that's still relatively, youknow, a new thing to have to
learn, to adjust.
And then, and then on top ofthat, you guys have a baby
together.
Angie Yu (04:00):
yeah.
And that's, that was one of thethings I was going to bring up.
That was one of my priorities.
It's like managing a household,which sounds really, you know,
everyone, if you hear it, itsounds like, oh, I have to do
the things like why is this awoman always had to do that?
I'm just better at it.
I'm just more organized.
I can
Kristy Yee (04:20):
you just, you choose to do it now because you have to
Angie Yu (04:22):
Yeah.
Just like FYI choose to do itand I'm happy to do it, but it's
definitely a lot of work tomanage a household.
Like it's a lot of work and my,my respect for like, homemakers
or just moms who are likefull-time workers and they have
side hustles and they take careof the baby.
Of course the partner is thereto help.
Right.
But it's just like, there's somuch going on.
(04:44):
And obviously my respect levelhas for that has gone up.
Like it's not easy.
So that's like my big, one of mybiggest, time suckers.
Kristy Yee (04:56):
Yeah.
And, and I'm not there, you knowwhat I mean?
And so I totally, I get it.
There's so much going on in yourlife right now.
There's so many new things.
I know all of these thingshappen, you know, a few months
ago, but I still consider themnew and it takes time to adjust
(05:17):
and get to your flow and like,Settle into that life.
And so I feel like, okay, andshe's really busy because you
have a dog, but on top of that,you are also adjusting living
(05:38):
with a new human and a dog, andyou recently got a promotion.
Angie Yu (05:47):
Yep.
Kristy Yee (05:48):
So I'm like, okay, Angie has so much new stuff
going on in her life right now.
I understand why the podcastwouldn't be as high of a
priority.
I think what I'm feeling is Iwant to know you're still
committed.
Angie Yu (06:08):
Yes, definitely.
Kristy Yee (06:11):
Okay.
Angie Yu (06:11):
So for me, like I think we talked about this
before.
We were like, oh, what can youlike, what, what milestone would
just make you super happy?
And for me, one of them is like,oh, when we hit 100 episodes,
right?
Like three digit, that's stilldefinitely in my, in the works.
(06:32):
I can see where you're comingfrom.
Where, because I've been kind ofabsent for the last couple of
months.
because it's not that I have adog, I have a puppy.
Like, I think that's different.
Like you're right.
Actually, I didn't even thinkabout how many new things are
going on in my.
And those new things.
(06:52):
Aren't exactly.
What's taking up all my time.
So it's a huge adjustment for meand yeah, I didn't even think
about it like that.
So that's really good.
Like you're, you know, me reallywell, even if you, even if you
haven't seen me in person for awhile and like yeah.
(07:13):
Pen timing and all that stuff,and now that the restrictions
are eased up and you canactually come over and do
podcast stuff with me, you're inToronto.
Right?
So like we're living in twodifferent cities.
Not that I blame you for that.
It's just, yeah.
The circumstances.
and that's why I was like, oh,we should sit down and talk
about like the realities of ourcurrent situation and the
(07:34):
expectations and what ourtimeline is like.
Kristy Yee (07:43):
Yeah.
And I love that, you know, whenyou, when I first messaged you
and I'm like, oh, I'm notfeeling so good.
And I think we should talk.
And then you, you came up withthat idea of like, yeah, let's
talk about our realities andexpectations.
I thought, first of all, Ithought that was a great idea.
But second, and I think moreimportantly, it, it gave me
(08:05):
reassurance like, okay, yes,Angie is still committed.
And I feel like, I feel like I'min a relationship where, you
know, Like a romanticrelationship.
I feel like, because this is asclose as I can, I can compare it
to, cause I've never had a,project baby partner before, you
know, so it's as close as I cancompare it to is having a
(08:27):
romantic relationship.
You go through the honeymoonphase and then you're, you're
married and you're committed andyou have this thing together.
And sometimes the relationshiphits a rut or it lulls and
that's completely normal andthat's okay.
And I, I get why you need toprioritize other things in your
(08:48):
life right now.
So I don't fault you for thatbecause I get it.
Like these are important thingsand they're all happening at the
same fucking time.
I just feel like.
I need reassurance from mypartner that you still love me.
And you're still committed tothis.
(09:08):
Tell me you still love me andyou want to stay in this
relationship.
Angie Yu (09:12):
Oh, my God.
That's so funny.
But like I, of course, like,okay, I can totally see where
you're coming from.
Cause I literally went throughthis with my boyfriend.
There was a period of time whereI was like, I need reassurance
about this.
So like, I know exactly whereyou're coming from.
And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry thatyou like felt uninsured.
but I was also really happy thatyou came to me and was like a,
(09:36):
I'm not feeling so good aboutthis.
We need to talk.
And I was like, yeah, actuallywe, I think we do.
And I think as soon as youbrought that up, I was like,
Hmm, what has been going on inmy life?
Because I've just been sofocused on like each day so far
that I haven't really like leanback and thought about what's
(09:56):
actually going on in my life.
If that
Kristy Yee (09:59):
I mean, it's, it totally makes sense because it's
always hard to step back andlook at the big picture when you
are the first person, when youare the main character of your
own story.
Angie Yu (10:09):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (10:11):
So anyways, that's how I've been feeling and when
you're like, okay.
Yes, let's talk.
That's a good idea.
Let's talk about all thesethings.
I'm like, okay.
That's a, that's a sign and juststill wants to be in this
relationship.
Angie Yu (10:27):
I mean, that's not to say that there weren't doubts.
I think that's normal.
I think that the point where I'mlike first I was doubting like,
oh my God, why did I get apuppy?
It's so much work.
And then I was doubting like,oh, can I, can I do this thing
where, I have like a full-timejob that I'm committed to like,
do I want to keep moving up thisladder, with more
(10:50):
responsibilities because it'sdefinitely gonna continue like
increase.
And then, and then I'm like, oh,do I even have time to commit to
the.
Podcast.
And I have been obviously likedoubts about everything in my
life comes up.
Right.
But at the end of the day, I'mlike, no, no, no.
Like having doubts about thingsdoesn't mean that you don't want
(11:12):
them, if anything, it means thatyou do want them and you just
want to make sure that you canactually put a good effort into
all of them.
Kristy Yee (11:22):
commit to it to the degree that you want to commit
to it
Angie Yu (11:26):
that's right.
Like you don't want to havethat.
That is important to me.
And I guess lately, maybe I was,you know what, I think I can
admit that I was a bit avoidantabout talking to you about this
because I was like, oh, I don'twant to let her down.
I don't want to hurt herfeelings.
I know she has stuff going ontoo.
Maybe I just need to like workthrough this on my own first.
Kristy Yee (11:49):
and isn't like, think about the parallels to
that.
And then, and then
Angie Yu (11:52):
in a relationship.
Kristy Yee (11:56):
like one partner just keeps it all to themselves
and they feel, you know, alittle bit disconnected as well,
but they're like, I'll just workthrough it myself and I'll,
I'll, I'll figure it out withoutcommunicating with the other
person.
And then, and then I'm heresitting and I'm feeling all icky
about things and I'm like, okay,well, okay, Angie has all these
(12:17):
things going on and says, yes.
And then I just kind of ignoremy own feeling of neglect and
disappointment.
And, but I'm wallowing it bymyself instead of sharing it
with you, instead of seeinglike, Hey, you know, this, does
(12:38):
it make me feel good when X, Y,Z happens.
Angie Yu (12:43):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (12:45):
And it's been like over two months, that's kind of
a long time.
Angie Yu (12:50):
that is a long time.
Yeah, but it's good though.
We're talking about it.
Kristy Yee (12:55):
Yeah.
Angie Yu (12:57):
And I think it's interesting because yeah, you're
right.
Like, this is a new kind ofrelationship for both of us and
whether or not a relationship isromantic or not like it's a
relationship.
It has all the same like needs,as a relationship, like spending
time together, connecting,communicating, like those and
(13:18):
kindness, right?
Like those are all reallyimportant for any sort of
relationship.
So I think we're both like, likefor me, I like was thinking
about all my own, like, I don'twant to hurt her feelings.
I'm just going to try to figurethis out on my own for you.
It's like, I don't want to bringit up because maybe you were
(13:38):
afraid that the answer would belike, yeah.
You know what, by that does thatsound right?
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (13:46):
Yeah.
Angie Yu (13:50):
You know why I'm like so aware, like as soon as I made
that connection in my head, itwas like, yeah, this is exactly
like when you reached that partof the relationship where the
honeymoon phase is kind of overand you don't know if the other
person is going to be committedor not.
Because I had this, I wentthrough this exact same thing
with, with Nick and I was stillseeing my therapist at the time.
(14:12):
So I brought it up with her andI told her, I was like, it's not
like I want to get married rightnow.
It's I'm like, I want to havekids right now, but I need to
know that, like, I want to know,oh, I just want to, I need to
know that he is committed tothis relationship and that he
wants the same thing in thefuture.
Kristy Yee (14:29):
Yep.
That's that's, that's,
Angie Yu (14:31):
The same thing.
Kristy Yee (14:32):
that's where I'm at right now.
I'm like, I get it.
You have all these things.
I can be very understanding ofthat.
I just need to know that this isstill part of your future.
Angie Yu (14:41):
Yeah.
And it is, and it is, oh my God.
Kristy Yee (14:49):
I love me.
And you're committed.
You want to be my baby mama?
Angie Yu (14:55):
So funny.
this is so interesting,
Kristy Yee (15:02):
well, I, like I said earlier, I we've, neither of us
have been in a relationship likethis.
We've we've dated people, sothis is as close as we can
compare it to.
Angie Yu (15:16):
Yeah,
Kristy Yee (15:17):
when you think about, yeah, exactly.
And I think because there's alevel of responsibility that's
involved, like when you areliving with someone, when you
were committed in, in a romanticrelationship, there is a level
of responsibility becausethere's like stuff you have to
take care of.
(15:38):
Whereas in a regular platonicrelationship.
Yes.
Communication, understanding,empathy, kindness.
Those are all still integralparts of any relationship.
But a lot of times there's,there's like, there's not a
responsibility component to it.
And when I say responsibility, Imean, like for the podcast we
(16:00):
have to put in work, like wehave to, we got to do certain
things by certain times there'sdeadlines.
There's you know what I mean?
It's like working with yourpartner, you got to fucking
housemate.
Yeah, exactly.
But when you're with friends,there's, there's not that that's
not part of the equation.
Angie Yu (16:23):
Okay.
I think I understand what you'resaying.
Yeah.
Because for like a typicalfriendship, the needs aren't as
there aren't as many needs,you're you're the most, like I
would say for a typicalfriendship, the key needs that
you need.
(16:43):
So eloquent, like the, the, themost like important things you
need between friends is like,you need someone to be there for
you, potentially sometimes asounding board, someone that,
you know, you can trust and thatyou can go to, I can spend time
with, you know, that they'llalways be there for you in times
of need, but it's not like aconstant thing and it's not,
(17:05):
there's no like specificfrequent.
Whereas when you have a businesspartner you're right.
Like there are a lot ofresponsibilities.
There are way more needs.
You need way more communication.
and all that stuff.
So it takes, definitely takes afriendship to a completely
different level.
And because you're right,because there's like a
(17:26):
commitment, there's morepressure as well.
And there's more expectations.
And whenever there's morepressure, more expectations,
there's also a lot more roomfor, not wanting to disappoint
the other person, not hurtingthe other person's feelings.
and then I think that's where itcan lead to a lot of avoidance
(17:48):
or anxiety because yeah, becauselike a relationship, sometimes
you just like, you're not surewhat's going to happen.
Kristy Yee (17:58):
Yup.
yeah, because there's thatadditional component of having
responsibilities.
And there's the extra componentof having expectations, then you
don't want to disappoint theother person.
It just feels like there's a lotmore at stake.
Angie Yu (18:17):
yes, that's right.
Kristy Yee (18:19):
And then it also, because there's those extra
layers too.
If we don't understand eachother's expectations, then
there's more room formiscommunication.
Angie Yu (18:30):
Yes, absolutely.
We're just responding to eachother with yes.
Or you can do a coupletherapists or a couples therapy
asks you do.
Yes.
I hear what you're saying.
I think we're on the same pagein terms of understanding where
we're at, but we just need toactually sit down and
(18:51):
communicate our expectations andthen manage them.
Kristy Yee (18:56):
okay.
So let's, let's do that.
Angie Yu (19:02):
Okay.
So I can go first.
So my current priorities, whichwe already talked about is one
my, my new, my new promotion,sort of new ESC.
Kristy Yee (19:13):
I'm calling it new, straight up.
Angie Yu (19:15):
Yeah.
And that's something I w I amcommitted to right now, because
you know, I did go through thisperiod of time in my life where
I was in an all time low, and Icould not perform my work.
I could not do.
Is expected of an employee or ateam member.
(19:36):
And I was surprised so manytimes that they hadn't fired me,
but I think they valued everyoneon the team.
It's a small firm.
They're not going to cut theirlosses, just Willy nilly.
They were very interested inseeing me getting better.
So for me, this is almost like Ifeel responsible to kind of show
(19:57):
that I appreciate everythingthat they did for me.
And then I need to show that Ican be a good team member and be
reliable.
So that's definitely one of mypriorities right now.
And of course the other prioritywould just be like the home that
I'm living in.
Like, I need to manage thishome.
(20:18):
I have a partner that supports,but I take the lead in terms of
organization and.
Doing all that stuff, kind oflike what you do with the
podcast, but that's what I do.
for my relationship, my, myromantic slash home
relationship.
And then the other one part ofmanaging the household would be
(20:39):
taking care of my puppy.
So those are our three biggestpriorities right now.
Like you said, they're allrelatively new.
And I think that's, what's kindof stretching me thin a bit.
And what I expect in terms ofthe timeline is as I'm settling
into this dynamic of my life,there's still a lot of things to
(21:03):
hash out right now.
Kristy Yee (21:04):
What are your expectations from me?
Angie Yu (21:10):
Oh, that's a good question.
I think that's the harderquestion.
I think a lot of theexpectations I have from you,
like, you're pretty good withthose.
Like I expect you to take thelead on organizing the podcast,
which you have always been doingnow, whether or not that's
(21:32):
something you can handle, we canhave a conversation about.
and one of the otherexpectations I guess, is for you
to, how do I phrase it?
Call me out if you need to.
Right.
Like it it'll be a difficultconversation to have.
And it's probably, I don't thinkit's fair that this will have to
(21:53):
sit on you only.
So I think that's why I don'treally, it's not really an
expectation anymore.
I think that was the, I thinkthat was the like subconscious
expectation prior to thisconversation.
But after you text me, texted meand you were like, let's talk.
(22:13):
I thought about it.
I was like, oh, you know what?
That's not really fair for me toexpect Christie to always
initiate these conversations.
So right now for me, myexpectations for you kind of is
on confirmed.
Kristy Yee (22:31):
Sometimes I feel like I am micromanaging and then
I feel shit for doing that.
Angie Yu (22:44):
One, you don't have to feel guilty for that, but two,
you also shouldn't have to dothat.
So I think I need to step up aswell.
And that's funny because Iliterally had this conversation
with Nick the other day and I'mlike, he's like, why do you
always get mad at me?
I'm like, because I have to nagyou to do something.
And then I hate it because Ifeel guilty about nagging you
(23:07):
about it.
And then, and then it's justthis like vicious cycle.
He's like, I really don't careif you need to nag me for me to
do something, just nag me.
And I was like, fine on that.
And then, but then the thing islike, I hate doing that.
So I shouldn't expect you to dothat in our podcast
relationship.
Kristy Yee (23:29):
How do you feel when I do that?
Angie Yu (23:33):
I feel guilty obviously.
Maybe not.
It's maybe it's not thatobvious, but I definitely feel
guilty like, oh, like Ishouldn't need Kristy to get to
the point where she feels likeshe has to micromanage.
What I do is she should be ableto trust me, that I'll do
(23:53):
things.
If I say I'm going to do them,but of course I feel like shit,
when I can't do that more, Ican't meet those expectations.
Kristy Yee (24:08):
Hmm.
I mean, I guess that's where thecommunication comes in is if you
feel like you're in a placewhere you cannot meet the
expectations, then you let meknow.
And then I step up.
Angie Yu (24:27):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (24:28):
I have the capacity to step up
Angie Yu (24:31):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (24:32):
and if not, then, then we can have another
conversation.
But I think for me, exactly likehow you describe it, I feel
guilty for nagging and I feellike I should just trust Angie's
gonna do it.
(24:54):
And then I feel like every timeI nag it hurts our relationship.
And that's what, that's whatmakes me feel bad because you're
coming.
Angie Yu (25:12):
oh my God so from the other side is like every time
you, I don't even think about a,you as you nagging, but for me,
it's like, oh, I'm disappointingChristie.
So that's where I'm coming from.
I don't even think about that.
You're nagging.
All I can think about is like,I'm disappointing her, maybe I'm
not cut out to do this.
(25:36):
That's when my doubts come in.
Like maybe I don't have the timeor that I just, maybe I do have
the time.
I just don't know how to managemy time.
And that's always been like astruggle for me in every aspect
of my life is time managementand it takes me a while to kind
(25:57):
of really, really actually wrapmy head around that.
Like even I work, I came back towork.
So for those of you who don'tknow, which is probably a lot of
you or all of you, except mycoworkers and close friends is
that I took about four monthsoff, back in 2020, right before
(26:18):
the pandemic.
I went on a mental health leavefrom work.
so I was on short-termdisability.
And that four months off for mewas very, very helpful for that.
But then coming back to work, Icould not just dive in.
It was very gradual and my workwas very supportive.
(26:40):
They didn't give me, they onlygave me like 50% of my workflow
to be in with, and they didn'teven deduct any pay.
Like that's, that's one of theother reasons why I want to put
work as a priority, especially,not, not to the point where
like, Ruins my work-life balancebecause I would never let that
happen because, you know, but,
Kristy Yee (27:03):
We know better now,
Angie Yu (27:04):
yeah, exactly.
to not burn out.
but
Kristy Yee (27:08):
but when you want to thank them, it's, it's a way for
you to give back because theywere there for you.
And now you're in a place whereyou can take on more
responsibilities.
You're you have the capacity andyou want to be able to show
appreciate.
Angie Yu (27:25):
Yeah.
So the point that I'm trying toget to is it took me a while to
actually get to that placebecause for me, time management
is a struggle and it takes metime to really process what's
going on in my life and how Ineed to allocate my time and
resources and energy to what isrequired of me.
(27:49):
So for the podcast, that wouldgo the same way.
And I, I'm very appreciativethat you're really understanding
that right now.
Kristy Yee (28:01):
And I think that's something that I need to be more
understanding and gentle aboutthe time management thing for
me.
It's, it's the, it's the littlethings, not the big picture.
(28:23):
It's like, like coming to ameeting on time, you know?
I think because time managementis.
Angie Yu (28:37):
strong suit of yours.
Kristy Yee (28:39):
No, no, no, no, no, no.
It's not a strong suit by allmeans.
I'm still very much working onunderstanding how I can best
manage my time.
And I think that lots of peoplecan relate to that, but I value
time management.
Angie Yu (28:56):
Mm.
Kristy Yee (28:57):
I feel like I'm, I'm being disrespected of my time
yeah.
Like when you come late to ameeting and shit happens all the
time, I'm late for meetings, youknow, like I wake up late and,
and I get that.
(29:21):
So I don't know if it'ssomething I need to just reflect
on myself and see if I'm just ahypocrite.
Angie Yu (29:30):
no, no, no.
I think that's a, I think that'svery fair.
Like, You know, like when peoplesay like, oh, Asian time, you
know, like, you know what Imean?
Like everyone's like, oh, likeyou always budget like 10 to 15
minutes of the other personbeing late or whatever.
But if I know that this issomething you value, then of
course I'm going to make aneffort to do that.
(29:52):
So I guess that's another one ofthose things where it's left
unsaid and then missunderstandings happen.
So you think that I'mdisrespecting your time and, you
know, obviously I don't mean todisrespect your time, but if
that's the effect of my actions,then of course that's bad.
so knowing that this issomething you value, then I'm
going to make an extra effort tomake sure that this doesn't
(30:15):
happen.
And if it does happen, then I'llcommunicate about it.
You know what I mean?
Kristy Yee (30:20):
And, you know, we're, we're always learning new
things about another person.
You can never know, you know,what a person's values are right
away.
So I feel like, you know, afterwhat a year and a half into our
relationship, and we're learninga bit more about each other and
(30:42):
how we operate and our values, Ifeel like this is really good.
Angie Yu (30:46):
yeah.
Kristy Yee (30:48):
So I value I value times.
and even things like, you know,like a few minutes before I
think you'd be like, yo, I gotit.
I need a little like 10 moreminutes or 15 more.
I'm totally okay with that.
As long as you just let me know.
Angie Yu (31:05):
You mean like the time where you got here on time?
And I was like, ah, I need tohave sex with my boyfriend.
And then you waited downstairs.
Kristy Yee (31:17):
Oh, my God.
I didn't even think about that.
Angie Yu (31:22):
So understanding, and I'm like, oh my God, I would
have the worst thing of you.
Kristy Yee (31:26):
I was very okay with that.
Angie Yu (31:28):
Cause I completely communicated where I was coming
from.
Kristy Yee (31:31):
Yeah.
As long as you, you tell me,even if it's a few minutes
before, you know, whatever,whatever thing it is that we
have scheduled, even if it'sjust a few minutes and you tell
me what's going on, why this ishappening, then it's all good.
Angie Yu (31:45):
Yeah.
So there you go.
That's the expectations.
So like for most people it'slike, oh yeah.
Five to 10 minutes is fine.
but obviously if I need like 20to 30 minutes, then it's like
where the threshold is.
Right.
So if I know now that like, Hey,you expect me to be on time.
When we say 10 30 or one 30 onyour hand, then I should be here
at 10 30 slash one 30.
(32:06):
And if I'm not, then not.
Kristy Yee (32:07):
Yes, exactly.
Angie Yu (32:08):
Great.
Kristy Yee (32:11):
Okay.
That's great.
I got that off my chest.
So my current priorities school,very obvious my mental health
and that's what I can think of.
Angie Yu (32:27):
I think another priority of yours is also
enjoying your time, enjoying thenews.
Kristy Yee (32:38):
I'm lumping that into mental health.
Angie Yu (32:39):
Oh, okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Kristy Yee (32:42):
So I am trying to,
Angie Yu (32:45):
You can be specific about it.
Kristy Yee (32:47):
well, I I'm noticing, I mean, I've only been
here for like three months andI'm noticing, I, I am noticing
that I am noticing my goodnesswhere it see, this is why we
need to hang out more and talkmore because otherwise words
(33:08):
don't come out I feel like inthe last few months I have
become a bit more aware of whenmy mental health starts to dip.
I've becoming more sensitive tonoticing how my body and how my
brain is reacting and feeling.
And I think that's a, I thinkthat's was a great thing.
I'm like celebrating on theinside because you know, it's
(33:31):
always, I think it's a goodthing to be more introspective
and have more connection withyour body before it gets.
Before it gets too late, liketoo far on the ends of the
spectrum, basically.
Right?
So I've noticed that, which isgreat, but it also means that
my, my mental health wave,instead of going giant peaks,
(33:56):
like really low to really high,the sounds like I'm describing
bipolar, but that's not what I'mtrying to just say, but
basically instead of leaving itall the way till I burn out and
then having to take a long timeleave, and having these gaps
between my spikes, I am nownoticing waves, but these waves
are a lot closer together.
(34:16):
So I'm having ups and downs inhigher frequencies.
Does that make sense?
Angie Yu (34:21):
Yes.
Yes.
Kristy Yee (34:22):
Last time we really talked about my feelings and
where I'm at.
That was when I first moved toToronto and I was feeling a lot
of anxiety and for school, forbeing in a new place.
And then I felt better like amonth after that.
And having that conversationwith you, I felt like, Hey, you
know what, I'm a month intothis.
(34:45):
Or two months into this, I'mgetting the hang of it, I think
is possible.
I think I can finish thesemester.
I think I'm getting into a flow.
So I felt better.
And then recently in the lastmonth we're approaching end of
term.
And so she's just wrapping up,like she's getting real.
(35:05):
Okay.
And then on top of that, I'm,I'm working as well.
So I'm working as a TA and thatmeans that this is a fuck ton of
marking and students trying tomeet with me.
And, you know, so it's like,it's getting intense.
So in the last few months it waslike fucking intense and I start
(35:26):
to think, oh my gosh, now, nowI'm back to feeling not so good.
And I'm back to a dip in mymental health, because
externally there's so much morethings pulling at me.
And, you know, you spreadingyourself thin basically, right?
Typically I don't feel typicallymy waves aren't that close.
(35:49):
It doesn't go from likeSeptember low and then a October
plateau and then a November dipagain.
You know what I mean?
But because I'm more cognizantof that now and about my own
feelings, I am trying toprioritize taking care of my
(36:11):
mental health because I'mnoticing the frequency more,
even though they're theintensity is less
Angie Yu (36:19):
I think that's great.
Kristy Yee (36:21):
I'm like, where am I going with
Angie Yu (36:23):
No, no, no.
I think that's absolutely great.
Like, like, I, I know exactlywhat you mean and I think that's
good managing it a little bit bylittle, like what you said.
it's the little things thatmatter, right?
So like having a big talk aboutwhere we are with the podcast,
(36:44):
sometimes isn't as helpful asyou going, Hey, I expect you to
be on time and.
I think the same thing can besaid for our mental health,
because it's more instead ofexpectations about someone else
it's expectations aboutyourself.
Kristy Yee (36:59):
Which is also a relationship to work on.
Angie Yu (37:02):
Exactly.
Absolutely.
I think that is part of managingyour anxiety and your depression
episodes, and also just managingyour own happiness.
Kristy Yee (37:19):
I guess in the last few months, I also feel like I
have been slacking off on thepodcast and sometimes I feel
guilty about it, but sometimes Idon't and that's new for me
because I think Christie wouldhave a lot of expectations on
(37:47):
meeting deadlines and doingthings when, you know, Doing
things.
When I say I'm going to be doingthings like we have specific
days in the week where wededicate to working on the
podcast.
And so if on that day I couldnot work on the podcast because
(38:08):
of whatever reason, then I feelreally bad about it.
And old Christie would just doit anyways.
I will just like, not sleepbecause I said, I'm going to do
it today.
I'm going to do it today.
And I'm going to, I said, I'mgoing to put in these many hours
into it.
So I'm going to put in thesemany hours into it, regardless
of like everything else goingon.
So now, because my, my priorityfor my mental health is a lot
(38:37):
higher.
I will, I might not work on thepodcast.
On the Thursday and I'll justfucking do it Friday night.
You know what I mean?
And that's, that's totally okay.
And so I'm kind of like allowingmyself to do that, but, but
(39:00):
because it's new, it's a growthprocess.
It's really uncomfortable.
So then I feel guilty for doingthat even though it's totally
okay.
And I know you don't give afuck.
Angie Yu (39:13):
Yeah, but it doesn't matter what, I think this is
your own process.
So I liked the part where yousaid you're also okay with it.
Kristy Yee (39:20):
I mean, like you don't give a fuck of whether or
not I did podcast work on aThursday or a
Angie Yu (39:26):
Exactly.
Yeah, exactly.
Because it's your own process.
And especially since we're notmeeting and doing it together, I
mean, I've been doing that.
Like I was like, oh, like I needto work Thursday night.
Cause I have something dueFriday.
Yeah.
So I'll just work on it Fridaynight or Saturday when I have
more brain capacity.
(39:48):
And that's just, yeah.
And that's just whatever we cando to help ourselves manage all
the things we have to all theother things we have to manage.
So how do you feel about youbeing able to take a step back
and not having such highexpectations of yourself?
Kristy Yee (40:09):
In general, I feel like it's going to be a good
thing in the long run becausethat's going to help me manage
my anxiety and also manageexpectations from other people
as well, because I can't expectpeople to work like how I work.
And I also shouldn't be puttingso much.
(40:36):
Stress on myself when, when it'snot that big of a deal.
And I, and maybe this ties intothe whole, you know, time
management scheduling shit.
Right?
Cause I'm, I'm very intoscheduling stuff.
(40:56):
I plan my schedules like monthsin advance.
Here's here's an example.
Y'all's this is how much of howmuch I care about scheduling.
When I have my, at the beginningof semester, you know, you get a
course, outline a rubric,whatever, and these are all the
(41:17):
due dates.
Right?
And then these are all thereadings.
So I went through every singleone of my course, and yes, every
people put in like majorprojects due dates and
everything like that.
But I schedule time of when I'mgoing to work on projects and
due dates.
Into my calendar.
So basically I had my entireschool calendar of which date
(41:39):
I'm going to work on, whichassignment for how many days for
how many hours.
And of course have the due datein the calendar, like four
months prior.
So since September, all I do isI just rely on my calendar to
tell me what homework I have todo.
And I, I would've planned thatsince September.
(41:59):
So, whereas I think most peoplejust, I think, I think most
people would just put in the duedates and then figure it out
when it's like a week beforeit's due.
You know what I mean?
But I will plan at least threeweeks in advance, three to four
weeks in events, and schedule intime to work on that assignment
(42:23):
weeks before it's due.
And I would have set, I wouldhave planned all of that back.
Angie Yu (42:31):
don't think there's anything wrong with that per se,
because if that's your processand that's your process, I think
it becomes unhealthy when youhold yourself to the standard
that if you don't do it thatday, because something else has
come up, then you stay up until3:00 AM doing it.
Kristy Yee (42:47):
Yeah, exactly.
So that's what I'm, I'm I'vebeen letting go right
Angie Yu (42:52):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (42:53):
old Christy would have done exactly what you had
just said, and it's not ahealthy way to, to do things.
And I've learned to be a lotmore flexible as long as I just
get shit done.
Right.
And so I will move things aroundin my calendar all the time, but
because this shift to a betterme is new.
(43:19):
It's still an uncomfortableprocess to do.
Angie Yu (43:24):
Okay.
Kristy Yee (43:25):
So you asked me how I feel about it.
I feel good.
I'm like great.
I'm, you know, I'm not sofucking uptight all the time.
And, and it's working better forme.
It's working for all the peoplearound me.
Right.
I don't have to fuckingmicromanage people.
So
Angie Yu (43:44):
you were about to say, but
Kristy Yee (43:46):
I think I was
Angie Yu (43:48):
I looked like you were about to say, but
Kristy Yee (43:49):
think I was, and then I changed it.
I, oh God.
Now I forgot what I was going tosay.
So I see all, a lot of thebenefits, but I'm still going
through the uncomfortableprocess of adapting to something
new.
Anyways,
Angie Yu (44:10):
that's very good.
I think that's very, self-awareso
Kristy Yee (44:14):
I don't know what
Angie Yu (44:15):
great.
Self-awareness And I'm proud ofyou for doing that.
Kristy Yee (44:18):
Those are my priorities, my expectations, I
think picture wise.
Once upon a time, Angie and Isat down and we looked at all of
the responsibilities that weneed to do in the podcast.
And we basically split them upwith the, with the expectation,
(44:41):
oh my God, this just work keepscoming up in this episode with
the expectation that if theother person cannot do certain
things that they in theirdomain, that the other person
will step up, which I am stillhappily able to do.
I think my general expectationis we just deliver in the
(45:02):
domains that we are responsiblefor.
Angie Yu (45:09):
Yes.
So maybe when I was gonna say,so maybe one of the things that
we should do is re revisit thatlist of domains and to see if
it's still realistic for us tostick to what we had first
(45:30):
established once upon a timewhen our priorities were
completely different.
Kristy Yee (45:34):
That was my next question was, do we need to
revisit?
Angie Yu (45:40):
I think we should.
I think that's, I think that's asmart move.
Kristy Yee (45:45):
Okay.
Because I think that's where,you know, some of that
micromanaging thing comes inbecause I'm like, okay, well, I
don't want to be telling Andrewwhat to do, but Andrew says,
she's going to do these things.
You know what I mean?
And then, and then you don't dothat to me, which is why I feel
(46:06):
like I feel bad because I'm,yeah.
I feel like a micromanager andnobody likes a micromanager.
So I feel like I'm, I'm a, I'm abad person.
That's what I feel
Angie Yu (46:19):
Oh, is a bad person if I've ever learned anything.
So, but I, I understand whereyou're coming from and I'm sorry
that you have to feel like youhave to micromanage and then
feel bad about it.
Cause that's not nice either.
Like that's not something niceto go through in that.
I feel like a bad person becauseI'm not meeting those,
(46:43):
expectations that we hadoriginally established.
Then I feel like the bad person,because you feel.
Bad and then you have tomicromanage and then you feel
bad about micromanagy.
So it's like a vicious cycle.
Kristy Yee (46:56):
Exactly.
And then it's just like stirringa whole bunch of bad feelings
and then it gets all mucky.
Right.
And then you add on top of that,we're in two different cities.
We have different schedules.
Now we have new things happeningin our life and we haven't
really been just talking orconnecting since.
Angie Yu (47:20):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (47:21):
so I think a combination of all of those
things together is, is whatdrove us to have this
conversation to begin with.
Angie Yu (47:33):
Yup.
Kristy Yee (47:36):
Okay.
So,
Angie Yu (47:40):
So how do you feel about all this now that we've
erred out our own feelings anduncover some of the stuff that
we have swept under the.
Kristy Yee (47:50):
well, big picture wise, I feel relieved that you
are, this is still veryimportant to you and confirming,
you know, your commitment to it.
I feel, I feel good that we'refinally talking about it cause
it's, it's been awhile.
(48:13):
So I'm glad that we're havingthis conversation and you're
right.
Like.
Having infrequent big talks isnot that great.
It's better to have frequentsmall talks
Angie Yu (48:25):
Yeah.
Just like you're managing yourups and lows.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (48:30):
yeah, exactly.
And I think this goes for anyrelationship is to have a lot
more small talks.
And I hope that from ourconversation today, we will be
able to, I have more small talksand connect more so that we
(48:52):
don't have a pilot dust bunnies.
And, you know, we just cleanonce a week said, I love, you
know,
Angie Yu (49:02):
Oh, my God.
That's see.
That's the thing that's like,it's not just for me, like, like
the emotional dust bunnies, likethere are literally physical
dust bunnies in my house and I'mjust like, oh my God.
and yeah, and we need help inthose, in those scenarios.
So I'm glad you feel relieved.
Kristy Yee (49:23):
I still feel like I am the villain in this in
today's podcast episode,
Angie Yu (49:30):
Are you serious?
I feel like I'm the villain.
Kristy Yee (49:33):
oh my God.
Angie Yu (49:35):
'cause, we're all, we're all like hard on ourselves
and we can't expect ourselves tobe perfect, but then we expect
yourself to be perfect to theother person.
I feel like we have talked aboutso many things, today and
(49:56):
rehashed out a lot of thingsthat we need time to kind of
process.
Kristy Yee (50:00):
Hm.
Angie Yu (50:01):
And I don't think that it would serve us well, if we
just try to dive in and recheckour domain, because that's going
to take a whole other mentalcapacity.
Kristy Yee (50:14):
Yeah, I agree.
I don't think we should do thattoday, especially because we
spent, we put a lot of effortand even having this
conversation.
Angie Yu (50:23):
That's right.
Exactly.
And I don't want to cheapen itby turning into a meeting.
Kristy Yee (50:34):
Wow well said,
Angie Yu (50:37):
Right.
Because I think.
I think it's a good example thatyou don't have to have a
meaningful conversation to get aresult right away.
Kristy Yee (50:51):
and I think it also means like you don't have to
have everything figured out inone session because you would
just cannot.
I think the fact that we're evenhaving this conversation is a
big step forward.
I feel great that we had thisconversation.
I feel great to know that we'reboth still committed and this is
important to us.
(51:11):
I realize even more so becauseI'm saying it out loud.
How, how much of a not niceperson I have been?
I think, but it's a, it's a goodthing because I need to really
think about my,
Angie Yu (51:32):
Expectations.
Kristy Yee (51:33):
Yeah, exactly.
My own expectations, my ownvalues and like my own
priorities and, and my desirefor.
Flexibility.
so I feel good about a lot ofaspects in this conversation,
(51:54):
but I also feel, I still feelheavy and uncomfortable knowing
that knowing that there isn't animmediate solution, which is
okay, I just need to like, sitwith that.
And also knowing that there arestill things for us to work on.
(52:19):
So basically what I'm trying tosay is real life, when you do
have these conversations with animportant person in your life,
that it doesn't always need toequal rainbows and butterflies.
And, you know, let's, let's goeat cupcakes that it can feel
(52:42):
heavy and that's totally okay.
We don't have to have all thesolution and that might not feel
so good either, but that's alsookay, because you have to manage
your own mental capacity and, wehave plans to revisit and
(53:04):
continue our conversation at alater date, which is also
important because you want tohave continuous plans is not
just like let's do it once anddust off our hands and peace,
you know?
so what I'm trying to say is Ifeel good about all the
benefits, but I still feeluncomfortable, but that's okay.
Angie Yu (53:29):
Yeah.
And I think I agree.
well, we, we have like, we'reprobably a little bit
emotionally exhausted from thisconversation, but it's important
to have this.
So I'm also glad that we hadthis conversation right now.
It feels heavy.
We need time to like sit withthem process and come back later
(53:50):
to revisit everything.
Like our action plans basically.
And
Kristy Yee (53:55):
plans.
Angie Yu (53:58):
I know you do.
And I think, I think anotherpart of it, I, this is there's
so much to be said about this.
but I think another part of thedifficulties of an adult
friendship is that we're so usedto going to friends as, a source
of our happiness, right?
(54:18):
Like growing up, we play withfriends, we hang out with them.
We do things we like with them.
We get away from our home life.
You know, if we get annoyed atour parents or our siblings that
we hang out with our friends, ithas always been like a stress
relieving thing to hang out withfriends.
But as we get older and whenthings become more complicated
(54:40):
in life and adult, adultrelationships and adult
friendships become fewer.
But more complex.
All these other things areintroduced into a like conflicts
and disagreements.
and that's something that wealso have to adjust to as we get
(55:02):
older, right.
That friendships, isn't just onedimensional and the one
dimensional friendships, usuallydon't last.
And that's been something thatI've been adapting to as well,
because especially like growingup, I've always tried to be like
a happy-go-lucky person.
(55:24):
I always felt like I've had toentertain people and make people
laugh.
Even if I'm not technically in avery good mood, that was kind of
like a coping mechanism to justshow how happy and great I'm
doing, even if I'm not, but asI've been through therapy, like.
(55:46):
That's not a role that I have toplay anymore.
Right.
And I feel like for me, that'salso something that I'm trying
to be okay with in adultfriendships to be more
vulnerable.
So that's why this conversation,like, I'm glad that I, that we
(56:10):
had this conversation, butdefinitely still makes me
uncomfortable.
Kristy Yee (56:19):
I have nothing to add to that.
Although I do want to say thatit's.
For some people it's okay tohave one dimensional
friendships.
I think different people havedifferent needs.
I feel like more, what am Itrying to say?
Angie Yu (56:46):
You can have a, okay.
I think like different baskets.
Kristy Yee (56:51):
baskets.
Yes.
And some people like to havejust a few close friends that
are, you know, not complex, butlike complex relationship with a
few close friends and perfectly,perfectly happy and content with
that.
And some people prefer to havemore peripheral friendships,
(57:12):
like maybe just a few reallyclose friends, but then they
also really enjoy having.
A friend that I only go hikingwith and like, oh, that's,
that's all I'm going to do.
You know?
Or, you know what I mean?
Like that the one dimensionalfriends, like some people are,
they, they might need thatbecause maybe they're an
extrovert and they like thriveoff energy from having lots of
(57:35):
people, different types ofpeople in their life.
And they're there for differentreasons.
So
Angie Yu (57:45):
that's a very good, other side to my, to my, what I
said, because obviously myexperience and my needs are
different from everyone else'sso
Kristy Yee (57:55):
but I think you are right.
As we get older, the friendshipsdo become more complex and we
see friends in all thesedifferent domains and all these
different areas, aspects of ourlives.
It's not just recess at school.
(58:16):
It's so much more and we all,and we all have to respect each
other's time and, and ourdifferent values and our
different lifestyles andschedules, and so many other
considerations that it makesthings more complicated.
So the, the more we adult andthe more we level up in
adulting, the more complicatedit is to in managing
(58:38):
relationships.
Angie Yu (58:39):
Yes.
Kristy Yee (58:39):
But I'm also saying it's okay to have some of these
recess friends as well.
That's cool too.
If you got some resist friendsand you want to just keep them
as recess friends as all good, Iguess I think that's it.
Angie Yu (58:55):
I think that's it too.
Yeah.
I don't really like, there's nosummary, I guess I don't
Kristy Yee (59:00):
There's no summary.
It's this is our shit moment.
And this is truly an Airshipmoment because it's.
Some tea that's been brewing fora long time and it got to the
point where it's just a littlebit bitter, so let's like talk
it out
Angie Yu (59:13):
Yeah.
That's
Kristy Yee (59:14):
that's what happened.
All right.
Angie Yu (59:17):
Okay.
Well, thanks for listening.
Y'all we'll see.
I keep saying, we'll see you onthe next episode.
Well speak.
Well, we'll see you sort ofdigitally tune in next time.
Okay,
Kristy Yee (59:37):
Bye.
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