August 28, 2022 • 47 mins
What is your attachment style? Have you always wanted to do one but are not sure how it’ll go? We’ll do the quiz and narrate as we go and share some of our childhood memories and…well the answer may surprise you! Angie asked how understanding attachment helped in her current relationship and Kristy gave us a relationship update. As always, we discuss some deep shit.
“I just cannot rationalize my emotions away. Like I have no control over my emotions and they take over my life.” - Angie
”Well, the emotions are not logical, so you can’t rationalize something that’s... not logical.” - Kristy”
Resources & Mentions:
- Attached (Amir Levine, Rachel S. F. Heller)
- Free Attachment Style Quiz (Psych Central)
- Free Attachment Style Quiz (The Attachment Project)
- Attachment Styles Inforgraphic (Parenting for Brain)
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The best way to support this show is by listening and sharing with a friend. If you would like to buy a coffee or bubble tea, we would love that too.
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Instagram @shitwedonttellmom
Email: shitwedonttellmom@gmail.com
Send us an audio message by clicking here!
----
We use Buzzsprout as our host because they seamlessly link to major podcast platforms and make it really easy to read analytics. They also have an awesome support team. Sign up today and get a $20 Amazon gift card!
We also use Descript as our editing software because editing with text is much easier than with soundwaves. We are not audio geniuses and want to focus our energy on creating content rather than editing. Sign up today and get your first 3 months free!
Yes these are affiliate links because we like them and we use them too.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Angie Yu (00:00):
if this quiz exists and everyone's, you know, within
(00:03):
these categories, it means thateveryone is some, a little bit
of fucked up.
(00:33):
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:36):
This is Kristy.
Angie Yu (00:38):
So today we are recording blind.
So what that means is Christy.
And I can't see each other.
we have our audio on Christy isvery sad.
Christy right now is in Torontoand I haven't moved anywhere.
I'm still in Vancouver.
Christy is gonna go on her roadtrip very soon.
So she's gonna be inNewfoundland for two weeks and
then she's gonna be living outof her car for four weeks after
(00:59):
that.
Kristy Yee (00:59):
Woo.
Angie Yu (00:59):
gonna be interesting.
Kristy Yee (01:00):
So the next time y'all hear us after today's
episode, I could be in adifferent city.
Who knows?
We have no idea.
It'll be an adventure.
Angie Yu (01:12):
There are not that many Chinese Canadian podcasts.
You never know.
Maybe, maybe there's somebody inSaskatoon who wants to reconnect
with their identity and theylisten to our podcast.
Kristy Yee (01:20):
Hey, if you're listening to this right now and
you're from Saskatoon, pleasesend us a message DMS on
Instagram.
I want to know.
Okay.
So today we're gonna be talkingabout attachment style, which is
something that I have no ideaabout, but apparently Angie has
so please, please enlighten us abit more.
Angie Yu (01:40):
Okay.
So I guess I do know about itquite a bit, where enough that
it had helped me.
So the attachment, like what isattachment?
Before it actually wasincorporated into, relationships
for adults, the attachmenttheory applies to children and
it's about how children, reactto attachment to their parents
(02:03):
or their, whoever is raisingthem.
And I remember I was readingthere, there was a clinical
practice kind of thing to.
Like a study kind of.
And, basically how they did itwas that they brought a mom and
child into like a littleplayroom and the child in
question would be playing thenthey would get the mom to leave.
(02:26):
And then they would observe whathappens.
So then they would notice thatanxious children, as soon as the
mom left, they would startcrying.
They would start reactingessentially because they felt
insecure without their mom beingthere.
And then you had, children whocontinued playing when their
mother left and when the mothercame back, they still continued
(02:49):
playing.
So to them, the absence of theirmother did.
trigger any sort of emotionalresponse.
And
Kristy Yee (02:56):
was like, bye mom, whatever.
Angie Yu (02:57):
They felt secure knowing that mom was gonna come
back
Kristy Yee (03:00):
Yeah.
Angie Yu (03:01):
essentially.
And the third kind was that, themom would left the kid wouldn't
really have a reaction, but whenthey came, when the mother came
back in, the kid startedignoring.
Like wanted nothing to do withthe mom.
And that was the avoidantbehavior.
Kristy Yee (03:17):
Okay.
Angie Yu (03:17):
That's how this like whole attachment theory kind of.
Kicked off, I've read in thebook they always refer to this
study.
So the book that I have read iscalled attached.
That's just the name, attachedthe new science.
Of adult attachment and how itcan help you find and keep love.
Kristy Yee (03:40):
Okay.
So it sounds like thisattachment style or this
attachment theory originatedfrom a study about, children and
their relat.
With their parents or theirattachment style with their
parents.
And then over time, this theoryhas been adapted to how people
are attached in romanticrelationships.
(04:02):
Is it just romanticrelationships or is it also like
any relationship or platonicrelationship or yeah.
Or any relationship?
Angie Yu (04:09):
I think it's any, it applies to any relationship, but
I think it does apply more torelationships that involve more
emotions.
So usually that's like aromantic relationship or like
parental relationships becausethere can be so much stuff
there.
Kristy Yee (04:24):
Okay.
Okay.
See, when you, okay.
So, because I have no idea whatthis, you know, attachment style
is, or the theories behind it,or a history, when you first
said that it came from a studyabout parental relationships.
The first thing I thought it waslike, oh my gosh, I wonder, you
know, what sort of differencesthere would be between a child
who have experienced trauma.
(04:46):
Or is currently experiencingtrauma compared to someone maybe
who had less of that experience.
And I wonder if there's anydifferences between their
attachment.
I'm sure there is.
Right.
But I, you know, it makes methink about if there were other
studies that looked into thatand, and do they evolve as
people grow up?
Do they change or are you kindof stuck with the attachment
(05:09):
style that you had as a child?
And you bring that with you intoadulthood?
Does the book say anythingabout.
Angie Yu (05:16):
Yes, those are great questions because I asked myself
the exact same questions.
And from the readings that I'vedone in the book and in
articles, yes, it can change.
Definitely can change.
When I first got exposed to it,it's like, well, like, oh shit,
I'm this style.
What if I don't wanna beat thisstyle?
But it's like, Hey, you canchange it.
Kristy Yee (05:37):
So now we're, now we're all just sitting here now.
We're all just sitting here,like thinking about, Hmm.
Like what is my attachmentstyle?
I wonder who, what kind ofattachment style I had when I
was a kid and what am I likenow?
You know, I mean, I can't speakfor everyone, but that's exactly
what I'm thinking about rightnow.
Angie Yu (05:52):
Yeah.
So you should, you should do aquiz.
Kristy Yee (05:54):
So that's what we're gonna be doing today.
Angie Yu (05:55):
Okay.
Yeah, let's do a.
Kristy Yee (05:57):
Okay.
So, so there's this quiz onlinewhere you can find out your
attachment style.
We will drop the link in theepisode, show notes, and we're
now gonna do, I mean, and Jay,have you done the quiz before?
I feel like you, yeah, youprobably would have, since you
have the book and you've readinto this,
Angie Yu (06:15):
Oh
Kristy Yee (06:15):
have you, how many times have you done it?
Briggs, like, you know, likeonce a year.
Angie Yu (06:20):
I did it twice when I first became exposed to it.
And that's just because there'sso many different, like websites
that offer the quiz that Iwasn't sure, like if they would
vary.
So I did two that I found onlineand they both said the same
things.
So I was like, all right.
Kristy Yee (06:35):
Hmm.
Angie Yu (06:36):
and
Kristy Yee (06:37):
like kind of back to back, like around the same
timeframe, just to see ifthere's consistent results.
Angie Yu (06:43):
That's right.
Yeah.
And now I, and there's one inthe book as well.
I did that one in the book too,but that one wasn't as fun.
Cuz you gotta like write downthe number.
I think I'll add up all the
Kristy Yee (06:51):
Ooh, I don't wanna do work.
I want shit to be automatic.
Angie Yu (06:55):
Yeah.
That's why the online
Kristy Yee (06:56):
kind of a world?
Yeah.
This come
Angie Yu (06:57):
well, what, how do you think they're do a quiz?
If it's in a book,
Kristy Yee (07:01):
Well,
Angie Yu (07:01):
it.
Kristy Yee (07:02):
no, because like, okay.
Remember those teen magazines.
When
Angie Yu (07:05):
I was just gonna say team magazine.
Kristy Yee (07:07):
I didn't have to do fucking wait.
Did I do math?
Angie Yu (07:10):
Yeah, because you would have to like, circle a, B
or C and then at the bottom, belike, okay, if you circled this
many A's or this many B's, thenthis is where you are.
So yes, you did have to do alittle bit of math and it's not
even math.
Okay.
That's accounting.
That's not actually math.
But anyway,
Kristy Yee (07:28):
when was the last time you took this quiz?
Cause I'd
Angie Yu (07:30):
a year and a half ago.
Kristy Yee (07:32):
Okay.
A year and a half.
I think that's a pretty decentish time.
I'd be curious to see if yourresults have changed.
Do you remember your firstresults?
Angie Yu (07:41):
Oh, yeah.
Oh, definitely.
Yeah.
I'm curious if it'll change aswell.
Let me just, send you the link.
Kristy Yee (07:50):
Okay.
So it looks like there are fourdifferent attachment styles.
Is that right?
Angie Yu (07:55):
I think there are some people who like to cuz you know,
with things it's hard tocategorize everybody into like a
handful of things.
But I would say in general, fromall my readings, there's four
of.
Kristy Yee (08:05):
Okay.
So let's just go with a generaland we're gonna go with what
this quiz says.
So there is four differentattachment styles.
There's secure, there's anxious,avoidant, and disorganized.
Can you, can you do a combo?
Like, can you be like half ofthis and half of that, or do
they give you a percentage ofeach of the four categories?
Angie Yu (08:27):
I don't
Kristy Yee (08:27):
are you just like, you are in this box?
Angie Yu (08:30):
I think it's you are
Kristy Yee (08:31):
you are okay.
Angie Yu (08:33):
Yeah, I think, yeah.
I think it's like, you're inthis one.
You and it's not BEC and it'snot like everyone in Kor has, is
a hundred percent G door, butthat's what you are mostly
Kristy Yee (08:42):
But like you're, if you're gonna be in that house,
you're gonna be in that house.
Angie Yu (08:45):
that's right.
Well, but you can change, right.
Kristy Yee (08:49):
not after you got no, you, I mean, you can change,
you can choose which house youwant to be in before you get
placed.
But once you're placed, you'replaced.
Angie Yu (09:00):
Yeah, but what I mean is once you've been identified
as an attachment style, you canmake efforts to improve
Kristy Yee (09:05):
Oh, I see.
I see.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm already stuck in the firstquestion because it asks you, am
I single or am I in arelationship?
Angie Yu (09:17):
Oh, man.
Kristy Yee (09:19):
Wow.
This is gonna be a, this isgonna be harder than I thought.
Angie Yu (09:22):
Okay.
Well,
Kristy Yee (09:23):
You know, I'm not OK.
I, I picked an answer, but I'mnot gonna share it the folks.
Woo.
Maybe I'll share it afterwards.
Okay.
Maybe,
Angie Yu (09:32):
How old are you?
Okay, how old are
Kristy Yee (09:35):
Well, yeah,
Angie Yu (09:36):
It's we're not even, we're not even in the first
three drop down.
We're at the back of the dropdown.
Kristy Yee (09:42):
We're we're at the latter half of the, options.
Angie Yu (09:46):
half.
Yeah.
Cause we're over the hill.
Oh boy.
Kristy Yee (09:52):
I thought you were gonna have troubles trying to
pick an age category.
I'm like, yo, that's a, that'sa, quite an absolute value.
Shouldn't
Angie Yu (09:58):
Yeah.
That's why it's like, kind ofheartbreaking, cuz that's
something you cannot change.
Kristy Yee (10:04):
But how you feel about it is something that you
Angie Yu (10:08):
true.
I feel
Kristy Yee (10:09):
That's modifiable
Angie Yu (10:11):
Yeah.
Okay.
Kristy Yee (10:12):
be whatever age you want.
Okay.
Now I have to do some reading.
So now we're gonna do some postproduction magic and we'll come
back to our results.
Angie Yu (10:23):
Dun How do you perceive the following?
Kristy Yee (10:30):
Hold on.
I have a question already.
says Oh my God.
Okay.
I just wanna confirm, okay.
It says like base your answersfrom your earliest childhood
memory.
Yeah.
So I have to like, Be as youngas I can.
(10:52):
And then answer these questions.
Not based off of who I am rightnow,
Angie Yu (10:57):
Yeah,
Kristy Yee (10:57):
then how, how is your like answers going to
change?
Because your past is alwaysgonna stay the same.
Angie Yu (11:04):
Well, this is just this part.
This is early
Kristy Yee (11:06):
is, this is just question one.
Angie Yu (11:08):
this is question
Kristy Yee (11:08):
Got it.
I got
Angie Yu (11:09):
overthink.
This literally says, literallysays at the top early childhood
mother slash caregiver.
Number
Kristy Yee (11:15):
Got it.
I was okay.
Angie Yu (11:19):
Keep going.
can do this.
Kristy Yee (11:22):
Okay.
Okay.
I already have comments cuz man,I I'm so sorry.
I keep interrupting you now.
Angie Yu (11:28):
What are your
Kristy Yee (11:29):
I feel like, well, I just don't remember who I am
when I was a kid, but I rememberwhat other people tell me how I
was when I was a kid.
So
Angie Yu (11:39):
What do you mean?
Kristy Yee (11:40):
I feel like I have, I'm basing a lot of my answers
on how other people told me howI had behaved as a kid, cuz I
don't actually remember how Ibehaved as a
Angie Yu (11:51):
You should that's that's true.
But you know what, how I
Kristy Yee (11:55):
by other people's memories of.
Angie Yu (11:57):
Yeah.
But it says, how do you perceiveand.
All of our realities are our ownrealities, but it also, we don't
live in a vacuum.
So our own realities are alsoinfluenced by other people.
So your perception, it's notjust your perception.
So I think if you remember stufffrom what other people said
about you and you'veincorporated that into who you
are and you act, you know what Imean?
(12:20):
Does that make sense?
Like, like you are a result ofyour childhood, but you're also
a result of what other peoplehave told you as well.
Kristy Yee (12:27):
I, I actually had to go back and reread the
instructions again.
It's a it's I have to answerbased off of how my behaviors
were perceived by my caregiver.
So it's not my memories, butlike how, okay.
Angie Yu (12:46):
wait, what?
Kristy Yee (12:47):
yeah, it says.
How you perceived the followingconditions were met by your
caregiver.
So it's, I'm answering thisbased off of how my caregiver
had been encouraging or present.
Angie Yu (13:03):
That's right.
That's right.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (13:06):
Oh God.
But I had two differentcaregivers that did
Angie Yu (13:09):
Well your earliest one, the one the main give the
main one.
Usually.
Usually even, even though, youknow, usually it's the mother,
like if, if your mother wasstill present in the early
stages of your life, that's,we're just biologically clung
onto them.
Cuz we, we were held in theirarms as a baby to breastfeed and
(13:32):
that's why nowadays, like dadswill do this thing where they do
like bond time.
They, they put the baby likeskin on skin and they just kind
of like cuddle the baby on theirchest.
Even if they're notbreastfeeding.
Kristy Yee (13:42):
mm-hmm
Angie Yu (13:43):
To kind of like equal out that bonding.
Kristy Yee (13:48):
This section says, you know, think about your
earliest childhood memories.
And then it talked about thingslike toys and bicycles and
clothes and computers.
In my earliest memories, I amway too young to have a bicycle
Angie Yu (14:00):
no, no.
I think, I think what they meanis like, when you think of your
bicycle, think of the earliestmemories you have of that one.
Don't think about like last weekwhen you were on your bike.
Kristy Yee (14:12):
No.
Okay.
Spoiler, or you might not eveninclude this.
The questions like, you know,gave me things that I wanted,
like toys, bicycle computer.
So I'm like when I was a, in myearliest memories, why would
they give me a computer?
Angie Yu (14:28):
Well, I don't know.
I think you're overoverthinking.
oh.
Kristy Yee (14:33):
is, this is important.
Shit.
Okay.
I gotta get this
Angie Yu (14:36):
I think it's just about in general.
And I think a lot of it's abouthow we perceive something.
Kristy Yee (14:41):
Mm
Angie Yu (14:42):
So I don't think the question is like, did your mom
buy you a computer?
I think it's like, I think it'smore to gauge.
Like how, how does Christie feelabout getting a material, things
from a mom?
Like, do you feel like you getit frequently or not?
I think that's what it.
Like, if you were five and youtold your mom, mom, I want new
(15:06):
shoes.
Kristy Yee (15:06):
A computer
Angie Yu (15:08):
well, like whatever, whatever is age appropriate.
Like how, how do you think asChristie now?
How do you think she would'veresponded basically?
Right.
So for me, it's like, yeah, mymom would've did everything she
could to get me that even if itwas just like a KFC.
Kristy Yee (15:30):
KFCs were rare.
Okay.
So I must
Angie Yu (15:32):
exactly.
It was expensive in China, too.
Whew.
this quiz is, definitelybringing up a
Kristy Yee (15:41):
Is it bringing
Angie Yu (15:43):
a lot of like nice, also uncomfortable memories.
Like, and I think that's theconflicting part.
It's like, they're not all good.
Most of them are good.
I would say, I think, but then Isee a question.
I was like, oh, maybe not
Kristy Yee (16:05):
Mm-hmm so, little bit of a potential trigger
warning to folks who want totake this quiz.
You might feel some things, huh?
Because you are going back intime into your childhood and
there will be some happymemories and sometimes there
might be some not so happymemories.
And you might feel some of thosethings as you're going through
(16:26):
this quiz.
wow.
The way I'm answering this is,oh boy.
Angie Yu (16:44):
Yeah, I I'm curious.
Right.
Kristy Yee (16:50):
Wow.
Angie Yu (16:53):
Wait until you get to the caregiver.
Number two.
Kristy Yee (16:55):
Man the way I'm answering this feels like I'm
gonna have some problematicresults.
Angie Yu (17:01):
Don't think about it as problematic.
Think about it as an opportunityto understand yourself better.
Kristy Yee (17:07):
Wow, what a reframe.
Thank you.
I mean, that's what we all needto start practicing, right.
Is reframing situations in ourown negative thoughts.
Angie Yu (17:19):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (17:20):
So very good example, Angie.
Very good example.
Angie Yu (17:23):
Because I, I thought the exact same thing the first
time
Kristy Yee (17:26):
Yeah, cuz I'm doing this and I'm like, yo, you're
fucked.
I'm okay.
What I want to know.
Angie Yu (17:38):
I'm just looking at my results
Kristy Yee (17:40):
Oh, wow.
That's a good sign.
I'm excited.
Okay.
Let, I'll be there soon.
Okay.
So what are you?
Angie Yu (17:51):
I'm secure.
Kristy Yee (17:53):
Oh, so am I.
Angie Yu (17:55):
Oh, that's great.
Kristy Yee (17:58):
I mean, when I read secure, it seems like a good
thing, even though I'm tryingnot to make things a good versus
bad thing, but like I felt, feltlike it seems
Angie Yu (18:09):
That's why I laughed, because the last time I did
this, I was not secure.
Like my results were not secure.
Kristy Yee (18:15):
growth.
Angie Yu (18:16):
and then at the bottom, so being secure is a
good thing, you're gonna leadthe healthiest at attachments,
the healthiest relationships,which is good for yourself and
good for other people.
So I guess it's not reallycomparable
Kristy Yee (18:30):
So there's like a, there's like a goal that you
want to be, and then like youwant to be secure.
Angie Yu (18:37):
That's right.
And I really like this firstparagraph that says, it says,
congratulations.
Having a secure attachment styleis great news.
Either your needs wereadequately met during your
formative years
Kristy Yee (18:49):
No,
Angie Yu (18:50):
Yeah, no.
We both said no.
Right.
So listen to this sentence or.
You worked hard at yourrelationships and circumstances
to get to where you areemotionally in life?
Kristy Yee (19:02):
Woo a pat on the back, my friend, a pat on the
back.
Yay to
Angie Yu (19:07):
Yeah.
I'm I guess I'm like kind oftaken aback by this because I, I
honestly haven't done a quiz oreven assess.
Like something, this concrete,cuz I, I know that like, I feel
a lot more grounded now in myromantic relationship and in my
friendships as well, just myrelationships in general.
(19:28):
but I never like thought to belike, oh, let's see how I'm
doing now.
so this is actually kind of likea pleasant surprise for me
because like I, I know that Ihave improved quite a bit.
but yeah, it's nice to see.
So what I was before, a year anda half ago, when I did the quiz,
I was between, anxiousattachment and disorganized
(19:53):
attachment.
Kristy Yee (19:54):
How do you know you're between, because it only
gives you one answer.
Angie Yu (19:57):
The one in the book tells you kind of like what you
are more in, but I said, I alsohave tendencies of mixed
disorganized.
Yeah.
So, but definitely on theanxious side for me, which I
knew like I all my symptoms.
So because like, this is a self.
Like a self diagnosis almost.
(20:18):
Right.
So you identify with certainthings and that's gonna get you
a certain answer.
but I was definitely reallyanxious before.
And I remember journaling aboutthis because.
I was reading a lot more aboutthis theory when I started my
current relationship, because Iwas start starting to see a lot
of the same, like behaviors andtriggers that I didn't like.
Kristy Yee (20:43):
What were some of these behaviors and triggers
that you noticed?
Angie Yu (20:49):
My last relationship ended pretty horribly.
There was a lot of lying andmanipulativeness and gas
lighting.
So I didn't, there's not muchtrust, present.
So when I was single, I had toreally learn to trust myself.
And then I rebuilt that trustwith myself after being gas lit
for so long.
(21:10):
And then.
I was doing well, but then whenI started a new relationship
again, there was this newdynamic that I was like, okay,
well, I spent like a year and ahalf working on myself.
Now.
It's like, I have to start fromthe beginning again, because
like the, you put in this newvariable of a different person
now I'm like, it's throwing meoff essentially.
(21:32):
So that's when I was like, wentto my therapist.
I was like, okay.
things are a lot morecomplicated.
because I, I dialed back mytherapy frequency, once I was
start once I was doing likefine.
but then when I got into arelationship, I was starting to
see a lot of more, anxietyagain.
so my therapist actuallyrecommended me that book, the
attached, book, and I startedreading more about it and I was
(21:56):
journaling.
I was like, okay, well, why do Iwant to work?
On my attachment is because oneit's better for me, but also two
at the time.
there was a, not, it still is.
I saw a lot of good in mycurrent partner.
Like a lot of patience, a lot ofunderstanding, even though I was
kind of, you know, giving him ahard time on things that I was
(22:18):
like, okay, well I wanna bebetter for him.
And then I started thinking moreabout my past relationship and
just looking at the symptom,sorry, not symptoms looking at
like the behavior, indications.
I think I was a lot more on theavoidance side,
Kristy Yee (22:34):
Mm.
Angie Yu (22:35):
So at some point in my last relationship, I went from
avoidant to anxious.
So I was like, okay, well, if Ican go from one bad one to
another bad one, that means Ican go from a bad one to a good
one.
Kristy Yee (22:50):
Yeah.
Like if it's dynamic.
Angie Yu (22:52):
it doesn't really hit home that you can change until I
went okay.
But I did go from like avoidanceto anxious.
So why can't I go to a differentquadrant, which is the secure
quad.
Kristy Yee (23:17):
So we've heard about secure It turns out that that's
like the goal So yay to us Iwasn't surprised cuz as we were
going through the quiz I was sosure I was gonna get something
really sad Like your childhoodsucks You've got a lot of things
to work on You's all the reasonswhy you are fucked up
Angie Yu (23:39):
Yeah And that That's exactly what
Kristy Yee (23:47):
it's cause we can't see each other We can't see each
other So there's no you knowbody
Angie Yu (23:51):
body language Yeah That's so funny This is so funny
Okay Okay
Kristy Yee (23:56):
But what I do wanna say is like you know this is
just a classic case of how weare hard on ourselves and we
don't stop to kind of appreciatethe work that we've done and
where we're at now compared towhere Were before so yay
Angie Yu (24:14):
Yay
Kristy Yee (24:15):
Yay and yay to you listeners and our poop troops
out there Who've been doing thiswork and continue to do this
work Like take a pause and thinkabout where you used to be and
where you are now and just petyourself on the back Even if you
are like no matter where you areOkay you everybody grows We just
(24:37):
don't take time to recognizethat
Angie Yu (24:42):
and when I was doing I don't know if you like noticed
any patterns from your childhoodI'm sure you did That's why when
we were doing we were both likeoh God oh boy Oh God like
especially in the in thecaregiver like early memories
there was it was a pretty bigmix like how Sure were you that
you're gonna get your needs forme it was pretty straightforward
(25:04):
from everything except emotionslike the soothing and the being
there understanding who I am cuzthat just that was not existent
to our parents Like they don'tknow how to do that because they
didn't get that So as I wasdoing it I was like oh man like
this makes it sound like it's sobad that they didn't do all this
for me So I was feeling a littlebit down and like oh no But then
(25:28):
we got to the present part likethe what's going on currently
And I was able to put in a lotof good stuff and that made me
go okay Yeah So this is why likeit's not good to dwell on the
past Like the past is the pastIt's it's a great way to learn
(25:50):
but it's not good to dwell on itSo I was like okay Okay So when
I actually got the secure youknow what the funny thing is I
didn't even see the secure Soonce you you know unlock the
page the first thing on the leftside says your attachment style
is secure I didn't even see thatIt didn't even hit me And then I
(26:12):
was like okay you can now feelyour full report below So I just
scrolled down and then I waslooking I didn't even read it I
was just looking at the quadrantand there was like a bunch of
different dots And I was likewhat does this mean and then and
then I looked to the left and Isaid congratulations I was like
huh And then that's when Irealized that I got secure like
(26:34):
it didn't even hit me cuz I wastotally expecting something
Kristy Yee (26:38):
It's almost like your brain chose to filter that
out because you just don'tbelieve that that could be true
Angie Yu (26:45):
Yeah Like I didn't even yeah I didn't even
recognize that from first glanceLike
Kristy Yee (26:51):
You're just expecting this like not so great
answer And you know like maybeyou subconsciously did see
secure but you just chose not toprocess what you saw
Angie Yu (27:03):
Yeah Maybe like I was just looking for the word
attachment and the word anxiousAnd then I I think maybe if it
said secure attachment maybe Iwould've seen it but I was just
like where is the words Likewhere is the relevant word And
then
Kristy Yee (27:17):
You were like looking for the problems
Angie Yu (27:20):
I was
Kristy Yee (27:21):
Holy shit That's saying something man That's like
Angie Yu (27:25):
Well cause that's what I got last time So I was like
looking for it and that's when Iwas like oh wait is that secure
And that's why when I read theparagraph it's like either you
had your needs adequately metduring your formative years Well
Hmm Not really Or you workedreally hard at your
relationships and circumstancesto get where you are now And I
was like oh damn that's nice tohear
Kristy Yee (27:49):
it's like recognition of the work that you
have done you know and it's notlike we have arrived It's It's
not like a a place that you landin and now we're like done
you're we're never done our workbut it's it is nice to have our
work so far be recognized andyou know yeah I didn't honestly
(28:13):
I did not expect secure at alland honestly I don't I don't
even know what To say for therest of this episode now Cause I
just didn't expect us to be likeoh look we're secure Yay You
know it almost it kinda feelslike like I don't know like a
little narcissistic like oh lookhow good we are I'm expecting to
(28:36):
dive into some problematicthings and talk about childhood
traumas and how this isaffecting our current
relationships But now I'm OkaySo turns out I'm secure And pat
on the back for us we haveworked hard and we will continue
to work on ourselves but let'srecognize the work that we have
already done
Angie Yu (28:56):
Yeah like
Kristy Yee (28:57):
what
Angie Yu (28:58):
like we remember like at we did say that Hey like
listeners poop trips When youfirst start doing this you might
get trigger because it doesbring back some unpleasant
memories.
Kristy Yee (29:09):
Do you remember what type of triggered memories came
up for you during the quiz
Angie Yu (29:16):
Yeah it was like the first question One of the first
questions was basically askinglike if your parents took you to
like an after school
Kristy Yee (29:24):
Mm-hmm
Angie Yu (29:25):
And that was like I was like really stuck on that
because it's like well theydidn't But also there wasn't
like I don't even know if therewere opportunities to like they
Def it was definitely somethingI resented for a while
especially because like comingto Canada like everyone here has
such a I don't wanna say a CVlike a such a well rounded like
(29:50):
after school activities likethey they always did stuff after
school Like whether it be sportsor A musical instrument It
always involved like improvingyourself building confidence on
something or working with otherpeople like teamwork And that
was something that I never hadAnd my parents recognized that
too especially after the failureof my last relationship they
(30:13):
were my mom kind of pointed outthe fact that I lacked
confidence because I didn't haveanything that was my own And she
said that she regretted notproviding that for me as a child
because she didn't know betterShe didn't know that like it's
something that children need AndI remember thinking yeah
(30:34):
actually I do resent that sowhen that question but but I
have worked through that youknow like I always thought of it
like well they they didn't knowabout it They couldn't afford it
but it Didn't matter because Ihadn't processed my resentment
So my mom actually spoke aboutthat It really did help me
process the resentment Like Ican resent them for it even
(30:55):
though there are logical reasonswhy like they don't have to be
mutually exclusive So because ofthat I was actually able to
process that resentment for thefirst time So when I read that
sentence again it kind of likebrought back the memory of Now
having been able to do that as akid but it didn't make me like
(31:15):
angry or resentful When I readthat question it just made me go
Yeah that was a shame Like that
Kristy Yee (31:21):
it just it reminded you that you know there was some
things that you wish you hadthat you didn't have and you
kind of you know mourn it for abit without feeling angry or
upset in the present momentbecause you have already
processed and you have forgiven
Angie Yu (31:39):
That's right yeah What about you Which painful memories
did it trigger
Kristy Yee (31:44):
okay So Hmm I guess I didn't have a specific memory
when I had to redo the questionthe way that they had structure
it is you think about your firstcaregiver and then you apply
these questions on this personthat you're thinking about And a
lot of times the first caregiveris your mother but I was
(32:10):
thinking about my father and Ithink what was painful was just
revisiting the memory of my dadAnd that in itself was painful
for me because he's no longerwith us anymore And in the quiz
(32:30):
it even says if this person haspassed away we would like for
you to answer these questionswith respect to how you felt
when they were alive So itreally kind of brought him back
in that moment when I was goingthrough the questions And it's
(32:51):
like having him beside me andthat I guess that in itself was
emotional
Angie Yu (32:57):
Oh
Kristy Yee (32:58):
Yeah
Angie Yu (32:59):
I miss some for you
Kristy Yee (33:02):
sorry
Angie Yu (33:03):
I said I I miss
Kristy Yee (33:03):
awe Oh that's so lovely That's such a lovely
thing to say Thank
Angie Yu (33:08):
Is it
Kristy Yee (33:09):
Yeah I
Angie Yu (33:10):
I do Yeah
Kristy Yee (33:12):
that's like So much empathy on your part and and
yeah that's really nice Thankyou for that one of the question
about like your future I don'tremember specifically what they
said but it was about like yourtrust in others and I'm like
disagree Don't even have tothink about it And that's not
(33:35):
something I would've honestlylike identified had we not
recorded our previous episodeabout to have or not to have
babies when I learned if youhaven't listened to that episode
yet where I learned thatapparently I have trust issues
And now I know that this issomething I probably should work
(33:57):
Yeah That was like no hesitationCause some questions are just
like I don't know it could bethis and it could be that but
when I got there I'm like yeahOkay
Angie Yu (34:06):
Yeah The the parts where I was laughing cuz I could
just click on it So fast waslike did you receive like
emotional support or needs And Iwas like disagree strongly
Kristy Yee (34:18):
And then there are questions of like did you have
food and and shelter andclothing And I'm like yes
Angie Yu (34:23):
strongly agree
Kristy Yee (34:24):
Strongly agree Did you have emotional support
Strongly disagree man Now I feellike we're spoiling the quiz So
we're gonna just stop talkingabout the specific question so
that you as our poop troopsdon't start thinking about your
answers before you even take thequiz
Angie Yu (34:41):
That's right
Kristy Yee (34:46):
I feel like this has not been a very interesting
episode
Angie Yu (34:51):
we're we're very sorry for having having worked so hard
that we are now healthy and wedon't have anything to talk
about No I'm just kidding whatdo you think overall though of
of this quiz Like I know thatyou were surprised and because
you were really sure that yourquote unquote fucked up or
whatever Now that you've hadtime to process your first
(35:13):
thoughts What are your secondthoughts
Kristy Yee (35:19):
I I have none Christy is closed now Okay I'm
not gonna answer your questiondirectly Not because of avoidant
but because another thought cameto mind and that is part of the
quiz It asks questions about Iguess how you behave in your
(35:42):
current relationship or in thelast relationship that you had
And at some point I had I haddifficulties answering because I
felt like I could answer it inone way for majority of the
relationship but then I have adifferent answer for like
literally the last month of therelationship you know
Angie Yu (36:04):
Hmm so so did you end up clicking that you're single
or in a relationship because yousay you weren't gonna tell me
Kristy Yee (37:02):
which one do you think
Angie Yu (37:04):
I think you put in a relationship
Kristy Yee (37:06):
Oh interesting Why is that
Angie Yu (37:10):
because you hesitated
Kristy Yee (37:12):
Okay
Angie Yu (37:14):
Whereas like I think if you were absolutely sure they
would be like yeah I'm singleWell actually no because you are
still conflicted but I okay I'mjust gonna go with that You you
put you're in a
Kristy Yee (37:27):
I clicked I am single Not because anything has
changed Nothing has changedsince that episode where we
talked about my breaking up thesix year relationship check out
that episode When I say nothingchanged I mean my the the Mr
(37:52):
Lobster and I have not ConversedSI well we have no that's a lie
we have but the status of ourrelationship from the last time
I have conversed with Mr Lobsterhas not changed
Angie Yu (38:07):
Mm-hmm
Kristy Yee (38:08):
but maybe my mindset has
Angie Yu (38:14):
like nothing externally has changed but
internal
Kristy Yee (38:17):
Yeah Yeah exactly Yeah Nothing externally nothing
like label wise has changed butperhaps perhaps internally some
things have
Angie Yu (38:26):
Okay I'm kind of loving it
Kristy Yee (38:28):
Are you
Angie Yu (38:30):
Yeah
Kristy Yee (38:32):
tell tell me more about
Angie Yu (38:33):
of the reason why part of the reason why I guess that
you still put in a relationshipis because I didn't want you to
feel guilty if I had said single
Kristy Yee (38:47):
Mm-hmm
Angie Yu (38:48):
not because like I think I think that was my first
thought It was like well shewasn't sure if she was So maybe
that's why but that was the lasttime we spoken Like you said we
haven't really spoken sinceeither So when you said actually
I went with single I'm like okaySo it means she has time to like
(39:08):
process it She has time to belike okay I'm gonna treat this
like a breakup because I wannamove on
Kristy Yee (39:16):
mm-hmm
Angie Yu (39:18):
So that's why I'm kind of like I'm loving it
Kristy Yee (39:20):
And I think I hesitated because you're right
Like I felt guilty for almostlike changing my status You know
it felt like I was bringingsomething internal to the
external by saying I am nowsingle
Angie Yu (39:34):
Yeah
Kristy Yee (39:35):
like admitting or saying I am single on this one
quiz on the internet made mefeel guilty and made me hesitate
made me like Am I ready to claimthat title as single And what
does that mean And it also feltlike it was unfair because I'm
I'm now labeling somethingwithout having a discussion with
(39:57):
the other half of the person whois involved in this relationship
Right So that's why I hesitatedBut when I first saw the
question I was drawn to theanswer to pick single and then I
was like whoa wait a minute NowDeclaring that I'm single in
this quiz that makes it officialI feel really bad about that
(40:23):
Yeah
Angie Yu (40:24):
Yeah Interesting
Kristy Yee (40:25):
with it anyways because that's that was the
answer that I gravitated towards
Angie Yu (40:29):
And now my question is why would you feel bad for
clicking single Why would youfeel bad for declaring that
Kristy Yee (40:36):
Well because like when you're in a relationship
it's you know It's like anagreement between two people And
and then the last time MrLobster and I had conversed we
did not agree that we were gonnabe single So it feels like I'm
making a decision about thisrelationship without him
Angie Yu (40:57):
Right That's that's no I think that's very empathetic
of you as well because you don'twanna hurt his feeling but in
reality breakups don't exactly
Kristy Yee (41:15):
But it I don't like it's it should be communicated
between two people Right And I'mnot I don't know I feel like I
was gonna say I'm not sayingwe're officially broken up but I
I don't know Did I justofficially announce on the
internet that we're broken upnow And is this how he's gonna
find out like Well I mean likeMr Lobster and I agree to take
(41:35):
this break right And we weregoing to re like have a
conversation with each otheragain when I'm back in Vancouver
So this episode's gonna releasebefore Mr Lobster and I have
planned to have a conversationabout what to do next in our
relationship
Angie Yu (41:53):
Right
Kristy Yee (41:54):
Right
Angie Yu (41:54):
but isn't it When you're on a break aren't you
technically single You're notsingle and ready to mingle but
you are technically you're notbound I don't know
Kristy Yee (42:06):
I feel like this is like a Ross and Rachel debate
Angie Yu (42:11):
how did I break
Kristy Yee (42:12):
we were on a break
Angie Yu (42:14):
well obviously like just cuz you're on break doesn't
mean that you you know it'sstill about respect Right So I
think yeah I don't know Now itfeels kind of awkward
Kristy Yee (42:23):
See now you feel now you know how I felt when I was
trying to debate on which answerto select
Angie Yu (42:28):
Yeah Now because now I'm thinking about Mr Lobster
but obviously at first I'm likeI'm I'm you're my friend So I
was like yay Like you made adecision I guess it's like it
would be respectful to let himknow how you feel
Kristy Yee (42:43):
Like Hey I just recorded this episode and I
basically just announced that Iam single
Angie Yu (42:49):
well if you
Kristy Yee (42:50):
nervous Laughter
Angie Yu (42:52):
but is is is the fact that you're announcing that
you're single meaning that youwant to be fully broken up
Kristy Yee (43:01):
I don't wanna make any of these decisions until I
actually have a conversationwith Mr Lobster And I would like
to do that when I'm back homeand when I can you know do it
face to face Yeah
Angie Yu (43:14):
I think that's fair then that you don't have to talk
to him about this and you don'treally need to tell him because
for the purpose of the quiz youcame at it from who's single
Which is fair because you're notlike you're it's not like you're
currently communicating andliving your life with this
person So I think that's fair
Kristy Yee (43:36):
Yeah Like I'm not I think Okay So I just wanna make
it clear I'm not announcing thatthis is an official breakup
because this quiz forced me topick an answer and and then I
just have this realization thislike epiphany just wanna make
that clear everybody We arestill on a break and I chose I
(43:59):
chose I'm single because numberone that was the answer that I
gravitated towards Number two itDoes feel like I'm single
because I'm not activelyparticipating in a relationship
So it it feels like my lifestyleis geared towards single It
(44:20):
doesn't mean that that's where Iwant to be Like maybe I that's
where I want to be Maybe that'snot where I want to be Like I
haven't figured that out yet
Angie Yu (44:29):
Mm-hmm
Kristy Yee (44:30):
You might have some thoughts on your own as you're
listening to my story progressBut I chose that answer because
it felt like that was this isthe life that I'm living right
now And there's nothing officialuntil Mr Lobster and I are ready
to have a conversation And Iwould like to do that Not
(44:53):
tonight not after this recording
Angie Yu (44:56):
No that's I think that's
Kristy Yee (44:58):
Yeah
Angie Yu (44:59):
I think that's a very good summary and I think that's
very securely attached to you
Kristy Yee (45:04):
Aw Look at that
Angie Yu (45:07):
Like I think where I was when I was at my most
anxious is like I needed thesethings to be finalized ASAP Like
I didn't want to stew onanything because it would just
make me more But in in but whenthat happens it's actually worse
because it means like maybe Ihaven't had the time to process
(45:30):
or the other person had the timeto process but I just wanted to
be done want to have to dealwith the or
Kristy Yee (45:40):
like you just wanna answer now I don't know man I
don't know I mean we're notpsychologists
Angie Yu (45:46):
But but again I think this is a great example of being
securely attached Is that youtrust yourself and you trust
your own judgment enough to belike okay this is exactly what I
want I want to talk to MrLobster after my six week
journey and then figure outwhere we go from there
Kristy Yee (46:09):
Like I feel secure Sorry Yeah
Angie Yu (46:13):
And that you are fine waiting and doing it
Kristy Yee (46:17):
Yeah Yeah It's it's almost like I feel secure being
in the ambiguous
Angie Yu (46:23):
Yes that is greatly put
Kristy Yee (46:27):
like I'm okay Floating in this weird gray area
because I'm secure enough to notneed to be one or the other
Angie Yu (46:34):
Correct And that's great That is fantastic
Kristy Yee (46:40):
Oh thanks for recognizing that
Angie Yu (46:42):
Yeah I I am very proud of you
Kristy Yee (46:48):
still feel like this is a very narcissistic episode
but
Angie Yu (46:52):
Maybe you're just being hard on ourselves
Kristy Yee (46:54):
Maybe maybe but that's what this podcast is
about right Like not being hardon ourselves but being more
genuine about how we're feelingand then calling each other out
on our shit that like we do feellike so so many of us have
negative thoughts aboutourselves I honestly I can even
(47:15):
process like what happened inthis episode.
Angie Yu (47:17):
there's always a twist in turn When you listen to shit
we don't tell mom
if this quiz exists and everyone's, you know, within
(00:03):
these categories, it means thateveryone is some, a little bit
of fucked up.
(00:33):
Welcome back to another episodeof shit.
We don't tell mom, this isAngie.
Kristy Yee (00:36):
This is Kristy.
Angie Yu (00:38):
So today we are recording blind.
So what that means is Christy.
And I can't see each other.
we have our audio on Christy isvery sad.
Christy right now is in Torontoand I haven't moved anywhere.
I'm still in Vancouver.
Christy is gonna go on her roadtrip very soon.
So she's gonna be inNewfoundland for two weeks and
then she's gonna be living outof her car for four weeks after
(00:59):
that.
Kristy Yee (00:59):
Woo.
Angie Yu (00:59):
gonna be interesting.
Kristy Yee (01:00):
So the next time y'all hear us after today's
episode, I could be in adifferent city.
Who knows?
We have no idea.
It'll be an adventure.
Angie Yu (01:12):
There are not that many Chinese Canadian podcasts.
You never know.
Maybe, maybe there's somebody inSaskatoon who wants to reconnect
with their identity and theylisten to our podcast.
Kristy Yee (01:20):
Hey, if you're listening to this right now and
you're from Saskatoon, pleasesend us a message DMS on
Instagram.
I want to know.
Okay.
So today we're gonna be talkingabout attachment style, which is
something that I have no ideaabout, but apparently Angie has
so please, please enlighten us abit more.
Angie Yu (01:40):
Okay.
So I guess I do know about itquite a bit, where enough that
it had helped me.
So the attachment, like what isattachment?
Before it actually wasincorporated into, relationships
for adults, the attachmenttheory applies to children and
it's about how children, reactto attachment to their parents
(02:03):
or their, whoever is raisingthem.
And I remember I was readingthere, there was a clinical
practice kind of thing to.
Like a study kind of.
And, basically how they did itwas that they brought a mom and
child into like a littleplayroom and the child in
question would be playing thenthey would get the mom to leave.
(02:26):
And then they would observe whathappens.
So then they would notice thatanxious children, as soon as the
mom left, they would startcrying.
They would start reactingessentially because they felt
insecure without their mom beingthere.
And then you had, children whocontinued playing when their
mother left and when the mothercame back, they still continued
(02:49):
playing.
So to them, the absence of theirmother did.
trigger any sort of emotionalresponse.
And
Kristy Yee (02:56):
was like, bye mom, whatever.
Angie Yu (02:57):
They felt secure knowing that mom was gonna come
back
Kristy Yee (03:00):
Yeah.
Angie Yu (03:01):
essentially.
And the third kind was that, themom would left the kid wouldn't
really have a reaction, but whenthey came, when the mother came
back in, the kid startedignoring.
Like wanted nothing to do withthe mom.
And that was the avoidantbehavior.
Kristy Yee (03:17):
Okay.
Angie Yu (03:17):
That's how this like whole attachment theory kind of.
Kicked off, I've read in thebook they always refer to this
study.
So the book that I have read iscalled attached.
That's just the name, attachedthe new science.
Of adult attachment and how itcan help you find and keep love.
Kristy Yee (03:40):
Okay.
So it sounds like thisattachment style or this
attachment theory originatedfrom a study about, children and
their relat.
With their parents or theirattachment style with their
parents.
And then over time, this theoryhas been adapted to how people
are attached in romanticrelationships.
(04:02):
Is it just romanticrelationships or is it also like
any relationship or platonicrelationship or yeah.
Or any relationship?
Angie Yu (04:09):
I think it's any, it applies to any relationship, but
I think it does apply more torelationships that involve more
emotions.
So usually that's like aromantic relationship or like
parental relationships becausethere can be so much stuff
there.
Kristy Yee (04:24):
Okay.
Okay.
See, when you, okay.
So, because I have no idea whatthis, you know, attachment style
is, or the theories behind it,or a history, when you first
said that it came from a studyabout parental relationships.
The first thing I thought it waslike, oh my gosh, I wonder, you
know, what sort of differencesthere would be between a child
who have experienced trauma.
(04:46):
Or is currently experiencingtrauma compared to someone maybe
who had less of that experience.
And I wonder if there's anydifferences between their
attachment.
I'm sure there is.
Right.
But I, you know, it makes methink about if there were other
studies that looked into thatand, and do they evolve as
people grow up?
Do they change or are you kindof stuck with the attachment
(05:09):
style that you had as a child?
And you bring that with you intoadulthood?
Does the book say anythingabout.
Angie Yu (05:16):
Yes, those are great questions because I asked myself
the exact same questions.
And from the readings that I'vedone in the book and in
articles, yes, it can change.
Definitely can change.
When I first got exposed to it,it's like, well, like, oh shit,
I'm this style.
What if I don't wanna beat thisstyle?
But it's like, Hey, you canchange it.
Kristy Yee (05:37):
So now we're, now we're all just sitting here now.
We're all just sitting here,like thinking about, Hmm.
Like what is my attachmentstyle?
I wonder who, what kind ofattachment style I had when I
was a kid and what am I likenow?
You know, I mean, I can't speakfor everyone, but that's exactly
what I'm thinking about rightnow.
Angie Yu (05:52):
Yeah.
So you should, you should do aquiz.
Kristy Yee (05:54):
So that's what we're gonna be doing today.
Angie Yu (05:55):
Okay.
Yeah, let's do a.
Kristy Yee (05:57):
Okay.
So, so there's this quiz onlinewhere you can find out your
attachment style.
We will drop the link in theepisode, show notes, and we're
now gonna do, I mean, and Jay,have you done the quiz before?
I feel like you, yeah, youprobably would have, since you
have the book and you've readinto this,
Angie Yu (06:15):
Oh
Kristy Yee (06:15):
have you, how many times have you done it?
Briggs, like, you know, likeonce a year.
Angie Yu (06:20):
I did it twice when I first became exposed to it.
And that's just because there'sso many different, like websites
that offer the quiz that Iwasn't sure, like if they would
vary.
So I did two that I found onlineand they both said the same
things.
So I was like, all right.
Kristy Yee (06:35):
Hmm.
Angie Yu (06:36):
and
Kristy Yee (06:37):
like kind of back to back, like around the same
timeframe, just to see ifthere's consistent results.
Angie Yu (06:43):
That's right.
Yeah.
And now I, and there's one inthe book as well.
I did that one in the book too,but that one wasn't as fun.
Cuz you gotta like write downthe number.
I think I'll add up all the
Kristy Yee (06:51):
Ooh, I don't wanna do work.
I want shit to be automatic.
Angie Yu (06:55):
Yeah.
That's why the online
Kristy Yee (06:56):
kind of a world?
Yeah.
This come
Angie Yu (06:57):
well, what, how do you think they're do a quiz?
If it's in a book,
Kristy Yee (07:01):
Well,
Angie Yu (07:01):
it.
Kristy Yee (07:02):
no, because like, okay.
Remember those teen magazines.
When
Angie Yu (07:05):
I was just gonna say team magazine.
Kristy Yee (07:07):
I didn't have to do fucking wait.
Did I do math?
Angie Yu (07:10):
Yeah, because you would have to like, circle a, B
or C and then at the bottom, belike, okay, if you circled this
many A's or this many B's, thenthis is where you are.
So yes, you did have to do alittle bit of math and it's not
even math.
Okay.
That's accounting.
That's not actually math.
But anyway,
Kristy Yee (07:28):
when was the last time you took this quiz?
Cause I'd
Angie Yu (07:30):
a year and a half ago.
Kristy Yee (07:32):
Okay.
A year and a half.
I think that's a pretty decentish time.
I'd be curious to see if yourresults have changed.
Do you remember your firstresults?
Angie Yu (07:41):
Oh, yeah.
Oh, definitely.
Yeah.
I'm curious if it'll change aswell.
Let me just, send you the link.
Kristy Yee (07:50):
Okay.
So it looks like there are fourdifferent attachment styles.
Is that right?
Angie Yu (07:55):
I think there are some people who like to cuz you know,
with things it's hard tocategorize everybody into like a
handful of things.
But I would say in general, fromall my readings, there's four
of.
Kristy Yee (08:05):
Okay.
So let's just go with a generaland we're gonna go with what
this quiz says.
So there is four differentattachment styles.
There's secure, there's anxious,avoidant, and disorganized.
Can you, can you do a combo?
Like, can you be like half ofthis and half of that, or do
they give you a percentage ofeach of the four categories?
Angie Yu (08:27):
I don't
Kristy Yee (08:27):
are you just like, you are in this box?
Angie Yu (08:30):
I think it's you are
Kristy Yee (08:31):
you are okay.
Angie Yu (08:33):
Yeah, I think, yeah.
I think it's like, you're inthis one.
You and it's not BEC and it'snot like everyone in Kor has, is
a hundred percent G door, butthat's what you are mostly
Kristy Yee (08:42):
But like you're, if you're gonna be in that house,
you're gonna be in that house.
Angie Yu (08:45):
that's right.
Well, but you can change, right.
Kristy Yee (08:49):
not after you got no, you, I mean, you can change,
you can choose which house youwant to be in before you get
placed.
But once you're placed, you'replaced.
Angie Yu (09:00):
Yeah, but what I mean is once you've been identified
as an attachment style, you canmake efforts to improve
Kristy Yee (09:05):
Oh, I see.
I see.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm already stuck in the firstquestion because it asks you, am
I single or am I in arelationship?
Angie Yu (09:17):
Oh, man.
Kristy Yee (09:19):
Wow.
This is gonna be a, this isgonna be harder than I thought.
Angie Yu (09:22):
Okay.
Well,
Kristy Yee (09:23):
You know, I'm not OK.
I, I picked an answer, but I'mnot gonna share it the folks.
Woo.
Maybe I'll share it afterwards.
Okay.
Maybe,
Angie Yu (09:32):
How old are you?
Okay, how old are
Kristy Yee (09:35):
Well, yeah,
Angie Yu (09:36):
It's we're not even, we're not even in the first
three drop down.
We're at the back of the dropdown.
Kristy Yee (09:42):
We're we're at the latter half of the, options.
Angie Yu (09:46):
half.
Yeah.
Cause we're over the hill.
Oh boy.
Kristy Yee (09:52):
I thought you were gonna have troubles trying to
pick an age category.
I'm like, yo, that's a, that'sa, quite an absolute value.
Shouldn't
Angie Yu (09:58):
Yeah.
That's why it's like, kind ofheartbreaking, cuz that's
something you cannot change.
Kristy Yee (10:04):
But how you feel about it is something that you
Angie Yu (10:08):
true.
I feel
Kristy Yee (10:09):
That's modifiable
Angie Yu (10:11):
Yeah.
Okay.
Kristy Yee (10:12):
be whatever age you want.
Okay.
Now I have to do some reading.
So now we're gonna do some postproduction magic and we'll come
back to our results.
Angie Yu (10:23):
Dun How do you perceive the following?
Kristy Yee (10:30):
Hold on.
I have a question already.
says Oh my God.
Okay.
I just wanna confirm, okay.
It says like base your answersfrom your earliest childhood
memory.
Yeah.
So I have to like, Be as youngas I can.
(10:52):
And then answer these questions.
Not based off of who I am rightnow,
Angie Yu (10:57):
Yeah,
Kristy Yee (10:57):
then how, how is your like answers going to
change?
Because your past is alwaysgonna stay the same.
Angie Yu (11:04):
Well, this is just this part.
This is early
Kristy Yee (11:06):
is, this is just question one.
Angie Yu (11:08):
this is question
Kristy Yee (11:08):
Got it.
I got
Angie Yu (11:09):
overthink.
This literally says, literallysays at the top early childhood
mother slash caregiver.
Number
Kristy Yee (11:15):
Got it.
I was okay.
Angie Yu (11:19):
Keep going.
can do this.
Kristy Yee (11:22):
Okay.
Okay.
I already have comments cuz man,I I'm so sorry.
I keep interrupting you now.
Angie Yu (11:28):
What are your
Kristy Yee (11:29):
I feel like, well, I just don't remember who I am
when I was a kid, but I rememberwhat other people tell me how I
was when I was a kid.
So
Angie Yu (11:39):
What do you mean?
Kristy Yee (11:40):
I feel like I have, I'm basing a lot of my answers
on how other people told me howI had behaved as a kid, cuz I
don't actually remember how Ibehaved as a
Angie Yu (11:51):
You should that's that's true.
But you know what, how I
Kristy Yee (11:55):
by other people's memories of.
Angie Yu (11:57):
Yeah.
But it says, how do you perceiveand.
All of our realities are our ownrealities, but it also, we don't
live in a vacuum.
So our own realities are alsoinfluenced by other people.
So your perception, it's notjust your perception.
So I think if you remember stufffrom what other people said
about you and you'veincorporated that into who you
are and you act, you know what Imean?
(12:20):
Does that make sense?
Like, like you are a result ofyour childhood, but you're also
a result of what other peoplehave told you as well.
Kristy Yee (12:27):
I, I actually had to go back and reread the
instructions again.
It's a it's I have to answerbased off of how my behaviors
were perceived by my caregiver.
So it's not my memories, butlike how, okay.
Angie Yu (12:46):
wait, what?
Kristy Yee (12:47):
yeah, it says.
How you perceived the followingconditions were met by your
caregiver.
So it's, I'm answering thisbased off of how my caregiver
had been encouraging or present.
Angie Yu (13:03):
That's right.
That's right.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (13:06):
Oh God.
But I had two differentcaregivers that did
Angie Yu (13:09):
Well your earliest one, the one the main give the
main one.
Usually.
Usually even, even though, youknow, usually it's the mother,
like if, if your mother wasstill present in the early
stages of your life, that's,we're just biologically clung
onto them.
Cuz we, we were held in theirarms as a baby to breastfeed and
(13:32):
that's why nowadays, like dadswill do this thing where they do
like bond time.
They, they put the baby likeskin on skin and they just kind
of like cuddle the baby on theirchest.
Even if they're notbreastfeeding.
Kristy Yee (13:42):
mm-hmm
Angie Yu (13:43):
To kind of like equal out that bonding.
Kristy Yee (13:48):
This section says, you know, think about your
earliest childhood memories.
And then it talked about thingslike toys and bicycles and
clothes and computers.
In my earliest memories, I amway too young to have a bicycle
Angie Yu (14:00):
no, no.
I think, I think what they meanis like, when you think of your
bicycle, think of the earliestmemories you have of that one.
Don't think about like last weekwhen you were on your bike.
Kristy Yee (14:12):
No.
Okay.
Spoiler, or you might not eveninclude this.
The questions like, you know,gave me things that I wanted,
like toys, bicycle computer.
So I'm like when I was a, in myearliest memories, why would
they give me a computer?
Angie Yu (14:28):
Well, I don't know.
I think you're overoverthinking.
oh.
Kristy Yee (14:33):
is, this is important.
Shit.
Okay.
I gotta get this
Angie Yu (14:36):
I think it's just about in general.
And I think a lot of it's abouthow we perceive something.
Kristy Yee (14:41):
Mm
Angie Yu (14:42):
So I don't think the question is like, did your mom
buy you a computer?
I think it's like, I think it'smore to gauge.
Like how, how does Christie feelabout getting a material, things
from a mom?
Like, do you feel like you getit frequently or not?
I think that's what it.
Like, if you were five and youtold your mom, mom, I want new
(15:06):
shoes.
Kristy Yee (15:06):
A computer
Angie Yu (15:08):
well, like whatever, whatever is age appropriate.
Like how, how do you think asChristie now?
How do you think she would'veresponded basically?
Right.
So for me, it's like, yeah, mymom would've did everything she
could to get me that even if itwas just like a KFC.
Kristy Yee (15:30):
KFCs were rare.
Okay.
So I must
Angie Yu (15:32):
exactly.
It was expensive in China, too.
Whew.
this quiz is, definitelybringing up a
Kristy Yee (15:41):
Is it bringing
Angie Yu (15:43):
a lot of like nice, also uncomfortable memories.
Like, and I think that's theconflicting part.
It's like, they're not all good.
Most of them are good.
I would say, I think, but then Isee a question.
I was like, oh, maybe not
Kristy Yee (16:05):
Mm-hmm so, little bit of a potential trigger
warning to folks who want totake this quiz.
You might feel some things, huh?
Because you are going back intime into your childhood and
there will be some happymemories and sometimes there
might be some not so happymemories.
And you might feel some of thosethings as you're going through
(16:26):
this quiz.
wow.
The way I'm answering this is,oh boy.
Angie Yu (16:44):
Yeah, I I'm curious.
Right.
Kristy Yee (16:50):
Wow.
Angie Yu (16:53):
Wait until you get to the caregiver.
Number two.
Kristy Yee (16:55):
Man the way I'm answering this feels like I'm
gonna have some problematicresults.
Angie Yu (17:01):
Don't think about it as problematic.
Think about it as an opportunityto understand yourself better.
Kristy Yee (17:07):
Wow, what a reframe.
Thank you.
I mean, that's what we all needto start practicing, right.
Is reframing situations in ourown negative thoughts.
Angie Yu (17:19):
Yeah.
Kristy Yee (17:20):
So very good example, Angie.
Very good example.
Angie Yu (17:23):
Because I, I thought the exact same thing the first
time
Kristy Yee (17:26):
Yeah, cuz I'm doing this and I'm like, yo, you're
fucked.
I'm okay.
What I want to know.
Angie Yu (17:38):
I'm just looking at my results
Kristy Yee (17:40):
Oh, wow.
That's a good sign.
I'm excited.
Okay.
Let, I'll be there soon.
Okay.
So what are you?
Angie Yu (17:51):
I'm secure.
Kristy Yee (17:53):
Oh, so am I.
Angie Yu (17:55):
Oh, that's great.
Kristy Yee (17:58):
I mean, when I read secure, it seems like a good
thing, even though I'm tryingnot to make things a good versus
bad thing, but like I felt, feltlike it seems
Angie Yu (18:09):
That's why I laughed, because the last time I did
this, I was not secure.
Like my results were not secure.
Kristy Yee (18:15):
growth.
Angie Yu (18:16):
and then at the bottom, so being secure is a
good thing, you're gonna leadthe healthiest at attachments,
the healthiest relationships,which is good for yourself and
good for other people.
So I guess it's not reallycomparable
Kristy Yee (18:30):
So there's like a, there's like a goal that you
want to be, and then like youwant to be secure.
Angie Yu (18:37):
That's right.
And I really like this firstparagraph that says, it says,
congratulations.
Having a secure attachment styleis great news.
Either your needs wereadequately met during your
formative years
Kristy Yee (18:49):
No,
Angie Yu (18:50):
Yeah, no.
We both said no.
Right.
So listen to this sentence or.
You worked hard at yourrelationships and circumstances
to get to where you areemotionally in life?
Kristy Yee (19:02):
Woo a pat on the back, my friend, a pat on the
back.
Yay to
Angie Yu (19:07):
Yeah.
I'm I guess I'm like kind oftaken aback by this because I, I
honestly haven't done a quiz oreven assess.
Like something, this concrete,cuz I, I know that like, I feel
a lot more grounded now in myromantic relationship and in my
friendships as well, just myrelationships in general.
(19:28):
but I never like thought to belike, oh, let's see how I'm
doing now.
so this is actually kind of likea pleasant surprise for me
because like I, I know that Ihave improved quite a bit.
but yeah, it's nice to see.
So what I was before, a year anda half ago, when I did the quiz,
I was between, anxiousattachment and disorganized
(19:53):
attachment.
Kristy Yee (19:54):
How do you know you're between, because it only
gives you one answer.
Angie Yu (19:57):
The one in the book tells you kind of like what you
are more in, but I said, I alsohave tendencies of mixed
disorganized.
Yeah.
So, but definitely on theanxious side for me, which I
knew like I all my symptoms.
So because like, this is a self.
Like a self diagnosis almost.
(20:18):
Right.
So you identify with certainthings and that's gonna get you
a certain answer.
but I was definitely reallyanxious before.
And I remember journaling aboutthis because.
I was reading a lot more aboutthis theory when I started my
current relationship, because Iwas start starting to see a lot
of the same, like behaviors andtriggers that I didn't like.
Kristy Yee (20:43):
What were some of these behaviors and triggers
that you noticed?
Angie Yu (20:49):
My last relationship ended pretty horribly.
There was a lot of lying andmanipulativeness and gas
lighting.
So I didn't, there's not muchtrust, present.
So when I was single, I had toreally learn to trust myself.
And then I rebuilt that trustwith myself after being gas lit
for so long.
(21:10):
And then.
I was doing well, but then whenI started a new relationship
again, there was this newdynamic that I was like, okay,
well, I spent like a year and ahalf working on myself.
Now.
It's like, I have to start fromthe beginning again, because
like the, you put in this newvariable of a different person
now I'm like, it's throwing meoff essentially.
(21:32):
So that's when I was like, wentto my therapist.
I was like, okay.
things are a lot morecomplicated.
because I, I dialed back mytherapy frequency, once I was
start once I was doing likefine.
but then when I got into arelationship, I was starting to
see a lot of more, anxietyagain.
so my therapist actuallyrecommended me that book, the
attached, book, and I startedreading more about it and I was
(21:56):
journaling.
I was like, okay, well, why do Iwant to work?
On my attachment is because oneit's better for me, but also two
at the time.
there was a, not, it still is.
I saw a lot of good in mycurrent partner.
Like a lot of patience, a lot ofunderstanding, even though I was
kind of, you know, giving him ahard time on things that I was
(22:18):
like, okay, well I wanna bebetter for him.
And then I started thinking moreabout my past relationship and
just looking at the symptom,sorry, not symptoms looking at
like the behavior, indications.
I think I was a lot more on theavoidance side,
Kristy Yee (22:34):
Mm.
Angie Yu (22:35):
So at some point in my last relationship, I went from
avoidant to anxious.
So I was like, okay, well, if Ican go from one bad one to
another bad one, that means Ican go from a bad one to a good
one.
Kristy Yee (22:50):
Yeah.
Like if it's dynamic.
Angie Yu (22:52):
it doesn't really hit home that you can change until I
went okay.
But I did go from like avoidanceto anxious.
So why can't I go to a differentquadrant, which is the secure
quad.
Kristy Yee (23:17):
So we've heard about secure It turns out that that's
like the goal So yay to us Iwasn't surprised cuz as we were
going through the quiz I was sosure I was gonna get something
really sad Like your childhoodsucks You've got a lot of things
to work on You's all the reasonswhy you are fucked up
Angie Yu (23:39):
Yeah And that That's exactly what
Kristy Yee (23:47):
it's cause we can't see each other We can't see each
other So there's no you knowbody
Angie Yu (23:51):
body language Yeah That's so funny This is so funny
Okay Okay
Kristy Yee (23:56):
But what I do wanna say is like you know this is
just a classic case of how weare hard on ourselves and we
don't stop to kind of appreciatethe work that we've done and
where we're at now compared towhere Were before so yay
Angie Yu (24:14):
Yay
Kristy Yee (24:15):
Yay and yay to you listeners and our poop troops
out there Who've been doing thiswork and continue to do this
work Like take a pause and thinkabout where you used to be and
where you are now and just petyourself on the back Even if you
are like no matter where you areOkay you everybody grows We just
(24:37):
don't take time to recognizethat
Angie Yu (24:42):
and when I was doing I don't know if you like noticed
any patterns from your childhoodI'm sure you did That's why when
we were doing we were both likeoh God oh boy Oh God like
especially in the in thecaregiver like early memories
there was it was a pretty bigmix like how Sure were you that
you're gonna get your needs forme it was pretty straightforward
(25:04):
from everything except emotionslike the soothing and the being
there understanding who I am cuzthat just that was not existent
to our parents Like they don'tknow how to do that because they
didn't get that So as I wasdoing it I was like oh man like
this makes it sound like it's sobad that they didn't do all this
for me So I was feeling a littlebit down and like oh no But then
(25:28):
we got to the present part likethe what's going on currently
And I was able to put in a lotof good stuff and that made me
go okay Yeah So this is why likeit's not good to dwell on the
past Like the past is the pastIt's it's a great way to learn
(25:50):
but it's not good to dwell on itSo I was like okay Okay So when
I actually got the secure youknow what the funny thing is I
didn't even see the secure Soonce you you know unlock the
page the first thing on the leftside says your attachment style
is secure I didn't even see thatIt didn't even hit me And then I
(26:12):
was like okay you can now feelyour full report below So I just
scrolled down and then I waslooking I didn't even read it I
was just looking at the quadrantand there was like a bunch of
different dots And I was likewhat does this mean and then and
then I looked to the left and Isaid congratulations I was like
huh And then that's when Irealized that I got secure like
(26:34):
it didn't even hit me cuz I wastotally expecting something
Kristy Yee (26:38):
It's almost like your brain chose to filter that
out because you just don'tbelieve that that could be true
Angie Yu (26:45):
Yeah Like I didn't even yeah I didn't even
recognize that from first glanceLike
Kristy Yee (26:51):
You're just expecting this like not so great
answer And you know like maybeyou subconsciously did see
secure but you just chose not toprocess what you saw
Angie Yu (27:03):
Yeah Maybe like I was just looking for the word
attachment and the word anxiousAnd then I I think maybe if it
said secure attachment maybe Iwould've seen it but I was just
like where is the words Likewhere is the relevant word And
then
Kristy Yee (27:17):
You were like looking for the problems
Angie Yu (27:20):
I was
Kristy Yee (27:21):
Holy shit That's saying something man That's like
Angie Yu (27:25):
Well cause that's what I got last time So I was like
looking for it and that's when Iwas like oh wait is that secure
And that's why when I read theparagraph it's like either you
had your needs adequately metduring your formative years Well
Hmm Not really Or you workedreally hard at your
relationships and circumstancesto get where you are now And I
was like oh damn that's nice tohear
Kristy Yee (27:49):
it's like recognition of the work that you
have done you know and it's notlike we have arrived It's It's
not like a a place that you landin and now we're like done
you're we're never done our workbut it's it is nice to have our
work so far be recognized andyou know yeah I didn't honestly
(28:13):
I did not expect secure at alland honestly I don't I don't
even know what To say for therest of this episode now Cause I
just didn't expect us to be likeoh look we're secure Yay You
know it almost it kinda feelslike like I don't know like a
little narcissistic like oh lookhow good we are I'm expecting to
(28:36):
dive into some problematicthings and talk about childhood
traumas and how this isaffecting our current
relationships But now I'm OkaySo turns out I'm secure And pat
on the back for us we haveworked hard and we will continue
to work on ourselves but let'srecognize the work that we have
already done
Angie Yu (28:56):
Yeah like
Kristy Yee (28:57):
what
Angie Yu (28:58):
like we remember like at we did say that Hey like
listeners poop trips When youfirst start doing this you might
get trigger because it doesbring back some unpleasant
memories.
Kristy Yee (29:09):
Do you remember what type of triggered memories came
up for you during the quiz
Angie Yu (29:16):
Yeah it was like the first question One of the first
questions was basically askinglike if your parents took you to
like an after school
Kristy Yee (29:24):
Mm-hmm
Angie Yu (29:25):
And that was like I was like really stuck on that
because it's like well theydidn't But also there wasn't
like I don't even know if therewere opportunities to like they
Def it was definitely somethingI resented for a while
especially because like comingto Canada like everyone here has
such a I don't wanna say a CVlike a such a well rounded like
(29:50):
after school activities likethey they always did stuff after
school Like whether it be sportsor A musical instrument It
always involved like improvingyourself building confidence on
something or working with otherpeople like teamwork And that
was something that I never hadAnd my parents recognized that
too especially after the failureof my last relationship they
(30:13):
were my mom kind of pointed outthe fact that I lacked
confidence because I didn't haveanything that was my own And she
said that she regretted notproviding that for me as a child
because she didn't know betterShe didn't know that like it's
something that children need AndI remember thinking yeah
(30:34):
actually I do resent that sowhen that question but but I
have worked through that youknow like I always thought of it
like well they they didn't knowabout it They couldn't afford it
but it Didn't matter because Ihadn't processed my resentment
So my mom actually spoke aboutthat It really did help me
process the resentment Like Ican resent them for it even
(30:55):
though there are logical reasonswhy like they don't have to be
mutually exclusive So because ofthat I was actually able to
process that resentment for thefirst time So when I read that
sentence again it kind of likebrought back the memory of Now
having been able to do that as akid but it didn't make me like
(31:15):
angry or resentful When I readthat question it just made me go
Yeah that was a shame Like that
Kristy Yee (31:21):
it just it reminded you that you know there was some
things that you wish you hadthat you didn't have and you
kind of you know mourn it for abit without feeling angry or
upset in the present momentbecause you have already
processed and you have forgiven
Angie Yu (31:39):
That's right yeah What about you Which painful memories
did it trigger
Kristy Yee (31:44):
okay So Hmm I guess I didn't have a specific memory
when I had to redo the questionthe way that they had structure
it is you think about your firstcaregiver and then you apply
these questions on this personthat you're thinking about And a
lot of times the first caregiveris your mother but I was
(32:10):
thinking about my father and Ithink what was painful was just
revisiting the memory of my dadAnd that in itself was painful
for me because he's no longerwith us anymore And in the quiz
(32:30):
it even says if this person haspassed away we would like for
you to answer these questionswith respect to how you felt
when they were alive So itreally kind of brought him back
in that moment when I was goingthrough the questions And it's
(32:51):
like having him beside me andthat I guess that in itself was
emotional
Angie Yu (32:57):
Oh
Kristy Yee (32:58):
Yeah
Angie Yu (32:59):
I miss some for you
Kristy Yee (33:02):
sorry
Angie Yu (33:03):
I said I I miss
Kristy Yee (33:03):
awe Oh that's so lovely That's such a lovely
thing to say Thank
Angie Yu (33:08):
Is it
Kristy Yee (33:09):
Yeah I
Angie Yu (33:10):
I do Yeah
Kristy Yee (33:12):
that's like So much empathy on your part and and
yeah that's really nice Thankyou for that one of the question
about like your future I don'tremember specifically what they
said but it was about like yourtrust in others and I'm like
disagree Don't even have tothink about it And that's not
(33:35):
something I would've honestlylike identified had we not
recorded our previous episodeabout to have or not to have
babies when I learned if youhaven't listened to that episode
yet where I learned thatapparently I have trust issues
And now I know that this issomething I probably should work
(33:57):
Yeah That was like no hesitationCause some questions are just
like I don't know it could bethis and it could be that but
when I got there I'm like yeahOkay
Angie Yu (34:06):
Yeah The the parts where I was laughing cuz I could
just click on it So fast waslike did you receive like
emotional support or needs And Iwas like disagree strongly
Kristy Yee (34:18):
And then there are questions of like did you have
food and and shelter andclothing And I'm like yes
Angie Yu (34:23):
strongly agree
Kristy Yee (34:24):
Strongly agree Did you have emotional support
Strongly disagree man Now I feellike we're spoiling the quiz So
we're gonna just stop talkingabout the specific question so
that you as our poop troopsdon't start thinking about your
answers before you even take thequiz
Angie Yu (34:41):
That's right
Kristy Yee (34:46):
I feel like this has not been a very interesting
episode
Angie Yu (34:51):
we're we're very sorry for having having worked so hard
that we are now healthy and wedon't have anything to talk
about No I'm just kidding whatdo you think overall though of
of this quiz Like I know thatyou were surprised and because
you were really sure that yourquote unquote fucked up or
whatever Now that you've hadtime to process your first
(35:13):
thoughts What are your secondthoughts
Kristy Yee (35:19):
I I have none Christy is closed now Okay I'm
not gonna answer your questiondirectly Not because of avoidant
but because another thought cameto mind and that is part of the
quiz It asks questions about Iguess how you behave in your
(35:42):
current relationship or in thelast relationship that you had
And at some point I had I haddifficulties answering because I
felt like I could answer it inone way for majority of the
relationship but then I have adifferent answer for like
literally the last month of therelationship you know
Angie Yu (36:04):
Hmm so so did you end up clicking that you're single
or in a relationship because yousay you weren't gonna tell me
Kristy Yee (37:02):
which one do you think
Angie Yu (37:04):
I think you put in a relationship
Kristy Yee (37:06):
Oh interesting Why is that
Angie Yu (37:10):
because you hesitated
Kristy Yee (37:12):
Okay
Angie Yu (37:14):
Whereas like I think if you were absolutely sure they
would be like yeah I'm singleWell actually no because you are
still conflicted but I okay I'mjust gonna go with that You you
put you're in a
Kristy Yee (37:27):
I clicked I am single Not because anything has
changed Nothing has changedsince that episode where we
talked about my breaking up thesix year relationship check out
that episode When I say nothingchanged I mean my the the Mr
(37:52):
Lobster and I have not ConversedSI well we have no that's a lie
we have but the status of ourrelationship from the last time
I have conversed with Mr Lobsterhas not changed
Angie Yu (38:07):
Mm-hmm
Kristy Yee (38:08):
but maybe my mindset has
Angie Yu (38:14):
like nothing externally has changed but
internal
Kristy Yee (38:17):
Yeah Yeah exactly Yeah Nothing externally nothing
like label wise has changed butperhaps perhaps internally some
things have
Angie Yu (38:26):
Okay I'm kind of loving it
Kristy Yee (38:28):
Are you
Angie Yu (38:30):
Yeah
Kristy Yee (38:32):
tell tell me more about
Angie Yu (38:33):
of the reason why part of the reason why I guess that
you still put in a relationshipis because I didn't want you to
feel guilty if I had said single
Kristy Yee (38:47):
Mm-hmm
Angie Yu (38:48):
not because like I think I think that was my first
thought It was like well shewasn't sure if she was So maybe
that's why but that was the lasttime we spoken Like you said we
haven't really spoken sinceeither So when you said actually
I went with single I'm like okaySo it means she has time to like
(39:08):
process it She has time to belike okay I'm gonna treat this
like a breakup because I wannamove on
Kristy Yee (39:16):
mm-hmm
Angie Yu (39:18):
So that's why I'm kind of like I'm loving it
Kristy Yee (39:20):
And I think I hesitated because you're right
Like I felt guilty for almostlike changing my status You know
it felt like I was bringingsomething internal to the
external by saying I am nowsingle
Angie Yu (39:34):
Yeah
Kristy Yee (39:35):
like admitting or saying I am single on this one
quiz on the internet made mefeel guilty and made me hesitate
made me like Am I ready to claimthat title as single And what
does that mean And it also feltlike it was unfair because I'm
I'm now labeling somethingwithout having a discussion with
(39:57):
the other half of the person whois involved in this relationship
Right So that's why I hesitatedBut when I first saw the
question I was drawn to theanswer to pick single and then I
was like whoa wait a minute NowDeclaring that I'm single in
this quiz that makes it officialI feel really bad about that
(40:23):
Yeah
Angie Yu (40:24):
Yeah Interesting
Kristy Yee (40:25):
with it anyways because that's that was the
answer that I gravitated towards
Angie Yu (40:29):
And now my question is why would you feel bad for
clicking single Why would youfeel bad for declaring that
Kristy Yee (40:36):
Well because like when you're in a relationship
it's you know It's like anagreement between two people And
and then the last time MrLobster and I had conversed we
did not agree that we were gonnabe single So it feels like I'm
making a decision about thisrelationship without him
Angie Yu (40:57):
Right That's that's no I think that's very empathetic
of you as well because you don'twanna hurt his feeling but in
reality breakups don't exactly
Kristy Yee (41:15):
But it I don't like it's it should be communicated
between two people Right And I'mnot I don't know I feel like I
was gonna say I'm not sayingwe're officially broken up but I
I don't know Did I justofficially announce on the
internet that we're broken upnow And is this how he's gonna
find out like Well I mean likeMr Lobster and I agree to take
(41:35):
this break right And we weregoing to re like have a
conversation with each otheragain when I'm back in Vancouver
So this episode's gonna releasebefore Mr Lobster and I have
planned to have a conversationabout what to do next in our
relationship
Angie Yu (41:53):
Right
Kristy Yee (41:54):
Right
Angie Yu (41:54):
but isn't it When you're on a break aren't you
technically single You're notsingle and ready to mingle but
you are technically you're notbound I don't know
Kristy Yee (42:06):
I feel like this is like a Ross and Rachel debate
Angie Yu (42:11):
how did I break
Kristy Yee (42:12):
we were on a break
Angie Yu (42:14):
well obviously like just cuz you're on break doesn't
mean that you you know it'sstill about respect Right So I
think yeah I don't know Now itfeels kind of awkward
Kristy Yee (42:23):
See now you feel now you know how I felt when I was
trying to debate on which answerto select
Angie Yu (42:28):
Yeah Now because now I'm thinking about Mr Lobster
but obviously at first I'm likeI'm I'm you're my friend So I
was like yay Like you made adecision I guess it's like it
would be respectful to let himknow how you feel
Kristy Yee (42:43):
Like Hey I just recorded this episode and I
basically just announced that Iam single
Angie Yu (42:49):
well if you
Kristy Yee (42:50):
nervous Laughter
Angie Yu (42:52):
but is is is the fact that you're announcing that
you're single meaning that youwant to be fully broken up
Kristy Yee (43:01):
I don't wanna make any of these decisions until I
actually have a conversationwith Mr Lobster And I would like
to do that when I'm back homeand when I can you know do it
face to face Yeah
Angie Yu (43:14):
I think that's fair then that you don't have to talk
to him about this and you don'treally need to tell him because
for the purpose of the quiz youcame at it from who's single
Which is fair because you're notlike you're it's not like you're
currently communicating andliving your life with this
person So I think that's fair
Kristy Yee (43:36):
Yeah Like I'm not I think Okay So I just wanna make
it clear I'm not announcing thatthis is an official breakup
because this quiz forced me topick an answer and and then I
just have this realization thislike epiphany just wanna make
that clear everybody We arestill on a break and I chose I
(43:59):
chose I'm single because numberone that was the answer that I
gravitated towards Number two itDoes feel like I'm single
because I'm not activelyparticipating in a relationship
So it it feels like my lifestyleis geared towards single It
(44:20):
doesn't mean that that's where Iwant to be Like maybe I that's
where I want to be Maybe that'snot where I want to be Like I
haven't figured that out yet
Angie Yu (44:29):
Mm-hmm
Kristy Yee (44:30):
You might have some thoughts on your own as you're
listening to my story progressBut I chose that answer because
it felt like that was this isthe life that I'm living right
now And there's nothing officialuntil Mr Lobster and I are ready
to have a conversation And Iwould like to do that Not
(44:53):
tonight not after this recording
Angie Yu (44:56):
No that's I think that's
Kristy Yee (44:58):
Yeah
Angie Yu (44:59):
I think that's a very good summary and I think that's
very securely attached to you
Kristy Yee (45:04):
Aw Look at that
Angie Yu (45:07):
Like I think where I was when I was at my most
anxious is like I needed thesethings to be finalized ASAP Like
I didn't want to stew onanything because it would just
make me more But in in but whenthat happens it's actually worse
because it means like maybe Ihaven't had the time to process
(45:30):
or the other person had the timeto process but I just wanted to
be done want to have to dealwith the or
Kristy Yee (45:40):
like you just wanna answer now I don't know man I
don't know I mean we're notpsychologists
Angie Yu (45:46):
But but again I think this is a great example of being
securely attached Is that youtrust yourself and you trust
your own judgment enough to belike okay this is exactly what I
want I want to talk to MrLobster after my six week
journey and then figure outwhere we go from there
Kristy Yee (46:09):
Like I feel secure Sorry Yeah
Angie Yu (46:13):
And that you are fine waiting and doing it
Kristy Yee (46:17):
Yeah Yeah It's it's almost like I feel secure being
in the ambiguous
Angie Yu (46:23):
Yes that is greatly put
Kristy Yee (46:27):
like I'm okay Floating in this weird gray area
because I'm secure enough to notneed to be one or the other
Angie Yu (46:34):
Correct And that's great That is fantastic
Kristy Yee (46:40):
Oh thanks for recognizing that
Angie Yu (46:42):
Yeah I I am very proud of you
Kristy Yee (46:48):
still feel like this is a very narcissistic episode
but
Angie Yu (46:52):
Maybe you're just being hard on ourselves
Kristy Yee (46:54):
Maybe maybe but that's what this podcast is
about right Like not being hardon ourselves but being more
genuine about how we're feelingand then calling each other out
on our shit that like we do feellike so so many of us have
negative thoughts aboutourselves I honestly I can even
(47:15):
process like what happened inthis episode.
Angie Yu (47:17):
there's always a twist in turn When you listen to shit
we don't tell mom
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