October 23, 2022 • 52 mins
It’s official, Kristy is now single after a 6-year relationship. In this episode, we process the emotions after a breakup, recognize what is “overly independent”, and discuss fears of the future after losing a partner. Our Shit is a series where we update our lives with each other and how we cope with its challenges.
“I felt like if we stayed together, we would've been living a compromised version of a life that neither of us really wanted” - Kristy Yee
Episodes Mentioned:
- Ep 45. Our Shit: What I Learned from Breaking Up a 6 Year Relationship
- Ep 47. To Have or Not to Have Babies... and Why
- Ep 49. Attachment Style…It Makes You Feel Some Type of Way
- Ep 51. The Joy and Grief of Adult Friendships
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Angie (00:00):
When we broke up, I was really upset.
So I took these like loveletters that he had written to
me, and I'm like, I'm gonna burnthem.
I'm like, No, that's, there'stoo much rage in burning them.
I don't wanna burn them.
So I'm like, Okay, I'll likethrow them into a fountain.
Throw into the fountain.
And it got all soggy I'm like,Wait a minute, now it's garbage
Now I welcome back to anotherepisode of Shit We Don't Tell
(00:48):
Mom.
This is Angie.
Kristy (00:50):
This is Kristy.
Angie (00:51):
so we have two updates as of last episode.
Kristy is back in Vancouver.
by the time this comes up, shewill be officially back in
Vancouver.
She will no longer be inincognito mode, which she is
right now, because she's nothome and she's like hiding
somewhere in Richmond, which isamazing.
Kristy (01:13):
You know, when you say incognito, I think of that man
on Google Chrome with like theglasses and the top hat and like
the trench coat or whatever.
The cape
Angie (01:22):
yes.
That's
Kristy (01:23):
That's me right now.
Angie (01:25):
you right now, like not really wanting to integrate
fully back into Vancouversociety yet.
So you're just kind of back inincognito.
Kristy (01:34):
Yeah, I'm slowly, slowly making my way into real life,
but not really.
I recognize it's a very, a hugeprivilege for me to even even be
doing that.
So, but
Angie (01:44):
but you know, whatever.
Enjoy it,
Kristy (01:46):
exactly.
It's tiring, right?
And when you're tired, you needto rest, and I'm allowing myself
to rest.
Angie (01:54):
That's right.
All right, so there's a secondupdate and I don't know what the
second update is, but perhapsyou can enlighten me and
enlighten the poop trips
Kristy (02:05):
This is very exciting.
Well, I mean, ex, I don't knowif exciting is the right word,
but I guess I'm, Hmm.
let me, let me like rethinkthis.
so if you haven't listened toepisode 45 please go and listen
to episode 45 so that thisepisode would actually make more
sense.
And you'll have some context cuzepisode 45 will give you some,
(02:26):
some background as to what hasbeen happening in my romantic
relationship life.
And today's episode is acontinuation of episode 45 where
I talk about what had happenednext.
If you've listened to it, great.
We're gonna keep going.
If you haven't, please go listento 45 and then come back to this
episode.
Okay?
(02:46):
So I'm gonna jump right.
So as of like less than 48 hoursago, Mr.
Lobster and I have officiallybroken up
Angie (02:58):
okay.
first of all, how do you feel.
Kristy (03:01):
I feel, I feel, I don't know, I feel a lot of things,
when, when he comes to my mind,I try not to think of it.
I think for a breakup, forsomething as significant as over
six years, I think I'm handlingit pretty well.
(03:23):
I think, in episode 45, we weretalking about how Mr.
Lobster and I decided to go on abreak.
I was really against the idea ofgoing on a break.
That was his suggestion to kindof, you know, cool things down,
give each other space to processand think about what we want and
how to move forward.
And I was like, a break is justlike a sad ass excuse to break
(03:47):
up.
It's just the, the cowardly wayof going, abouts breaking up.
And I was really against theidea.
I'm like, If we're gonna go on abreak, then we might as well
just break up.
And that was how the wholeconversation started and that,
and then that's how the flipflopping began.
Now I.
I'm, I'm kind of a fan of abreak now because during that
(04:10):
break, which was somewhere fromMarch until I guess now, so
around six, seven months, whichis pretty long, I felt like yes,
there was a lot more time andspace to process and, and think
about what it is that we want,but I think subconsciously I
(04:33):
knew we were heading towardsthis direction of breaking up,
and I don't know if the, this islike the right answer and maybe
there was no right answer, butfor me, I felt like it helped me
grieve without it being superintense.
If that makes sense.
Cause I think if we had straightup just broken up in March, I
(04:57):
would've been like a fuckingwreck.
Even if I knew that would'vebeen the right thing to do, I it
emotionally, it would've felt sointense.
And which is why there was somuch of that flip flopping, like
the intensity was already thereduring those initial
conversations.
But because we decided to go ona break, then it was like, we're
(05:18):
not fully broken up, but we'redeciding what we wanna do.
Like we could totally still getback together.
There was those possibilities,but you really had that time to
think about, is this what youwant?
Is this what I want?
And of course there are timeswhen I think, yes, I think we
should get back together.
And that's how we ended episode45 was I came to that conclusion
(05:39):
of like, Yes, I think we canstill make this work.
But a lot of things will have tochange.
But since that recording, Iagain, consciously or
subconsciously went towards thedirection of, I, I really do
think we should break up, eventhough it sucks because I felt
(06:01):
like, I felt like if we stayedtogether, we would've been
living a compromised version ofa life that neither of us really
wanted.
And by letting him go, Then weboth have the chance to live our
(06:24):
best life.
And it was really hard becausethis relationship is the best
romantic relationship I've hadthus far.
And I think the both of us keptclinging onto all the good
things at the beginning of there relationship.
(06:44):
And of course we understand thatthere's like H honeymoon phase
in that clouds things, but itwas like really good.
And we were both so confidentabout each other, so confident
in where this relationship wasgoing.
And I think that's what made itreally hard for us to fully
break up back in March.
Cuz neither of us wanted to letthat go.
(07:05):
When you have something good,you don't wanna give up on it,
You know, and I know he is areally great person, but it's
just not something that fitswell in my life and where I want
my life to go anymore.
It's like, it's like, it's likehaving a Louis Vuitton purse and
(07:26):
I I, I don't think I'm a supermaterialistic person, so I don't
give a fuck about brand namesand brand name purses, but I
know it's a value.
Like I know it's high quality.
I know it's something peoplewant.
(07:47):
So it's like I have this LouisVuitton purse and I don't wanna
give it up even though itdoesn't fit well with my
lifestyle and what I actuallycare about.
Not that, not to say I don'tcare about Mr.
Lobster, but you know, this islike high level analogy.
So it's like I wanna clingingonto this thing, knowing that
it's good, knowing that it'shigh value, but it's like, is it
(08:07):
even something that works wellwith my life?
Angie (08:11):
No, I think that's a really good analogy to describe
where you're coming from withregards to why you decided to
quote unquote let go.
That's hard.
I totally get it because the,the beginning of the
relationship, not just thehoneymoon phase but the way you
had come into each other'slives, the way you had
(08:32):
intertwined your lives andeverything was just so good.
It was very special.
So when things kind of dieddown, and maybe it got to the
point where it was like, okay,maybe we're headed in different
direction.
And that in itself is veryupsetting to think about because
there's doubts that start comingup.
There's dilemmas that startscoming up and yeah, basically I
(08:57):
can see that you were in thatgray area for quite some time,
probably for the last two years,maybe even longer.
So it was like a slow burn.
Like a slow burn until you madethe decision.
Kristy (09:11):
Which like from, you know, two years ago, the slow
burning coupled with the six,seven month break it's like, I
subconsciously knew we wereheading this direction.
We just didn't wanna admit it.
But because I'm subconsciouslyknowing I'm going to lose this
person, I start MicroG grieving,
Angie (09:31):
Nice.
Kristy (09:32):
which is Which is why I feel like
Angie (09:37):
Cause we just learned the word micro cheating last
episode.
Kristy (09:41):
Exactly.
Angie (09:41):
No, I love it.
Kristy (09:42):
know, the term micro is very useful,
Angie (09:46):
It is.
Kristy (09:47):
And it's not to say like I'm not upset Of course I am.
I just someone who is very, verydear and special to me is no
longer a big part of my lifeanymore.
And that's very upsetting and itfeels very lonely.
But I don't feel like my worldhas just ended.
Like I'm not curled up in aball.
(10:09):
Like everything in my life hasbeen destroyed, you know, in
that devastating pit that I havefelt in previous breakups.
And I think other people havefelt in breakups.
And that's just like the processof breaking up, right?
Like you go through that motion.
(10:30):
Although I did wake up yesterdayfeeling anxiety, which was very
interesting because typicallywhen I wake up from anxiety,
it's something to do with schoolor work or like performance or,
when I say performance, I meanlike, I don't know, speaking to
people, right?
Like performance anxiety or justlike anxiety about life and my
in, and the busy schedule thatit comes with.
(10:53):
And I felt the same symptoms,like the knots in my stomach,
the twists and like the whole,you know, twisting my legs
around my blankets and pullingonto them until like, I can't
breathe.
And it was weird because I have,I'm in this incognito mode right
now.
I'm like taking a staycation.
(11:15):
I'm very much relaxed.
There aren't too many stressfulthings.
But it was the, the thought ofhim not being in my life made me
anxious.
I don't think I have felt thatway about my previous
relationships before, and so I'mlike, Okay, is this just because
(11:36):
one, I'm, I'm, I'm better atnoticing my anxieties and better
at recognizing my own symptoms?
Or is it something, or is it, oris it Mr.
Lobster?
Angie (11:50):
I think it's both.
I think it's more so to do withthe fact that the relationship
you had with Mr.
Lobster was healthy and you areat a place where you're secure
because of all the work you havedone, such as learning how to
sit with your feelings andprocess your emotions.
I think it's all of that.
(12:11):
I think doing all that has madeyou more grounded, at least in
my opinion.
And because of that, when you'renow going through a big change,
especially when it has to dosomething with attachment.
But you know, as per ourattachment episode, episode 49,
when we talked about attachment,you were surprised that you were
secure, but I think that's areflection of how far you've
(12:34):
come.
And the relationship you hadwith Mr.
Lobster was very healthy.
You both did your own things.
You had your own life, you haveyour own hobbies and goals and
all that stuff.
So that's why I think you'rehandling this pretty well or
better than you had expectedbecause even though he's no
(12:55):
longer in your life, it's only apart of your life that has
fallen apart.
It's not your entire life.
And it's a, it's a significantpart, but it's not all of your
world.
Kristy (13:09):
Yeah, and I think that's, I think that's really
important because you can'texpect another human being to be
your whole world.
You can't put that much pressureonto someone else because
they're just another human justlike you are.
Like nobody knows what they'redoing.
So to, to have that as anexpectation on another person
(13:31):
is, is really stressful.
And I think that that is one ofour strong points in our
relationship is that we reallyrespect and gave each other
space to be independent people.
And I still, that's something Istill value very much and I, and
I hope to carry into my nextrelationship.
(13:51):
However, I've recently startedto recognize that I, I may be
too independent and not just,not just in romantic
relationships, but like in mylife.
(14:11):
and yeah, I was talking to mymom about this and I said, like
I said, like go, What's gothough in English?
Like extreme, too much
Angie (14:25):
overly.
Kristy (14:26):
overly.
Yeah.
And, and how that bled, how thathad affected my relationship
with Mr.
Lobster is that I think we gaveeach other too much space.
And that's why when we startedto go down different paths in
(14:47):
our lives and drift apart, wedidn't notice it because we
were, we had already given eachother too much space.
So we didn't notice that when wewere going in different
directions until it.
too late that we have alreadybecome different people and we
want different things.
And that was when we realized,oh shit, we are now on different
(15:09):
paths and it's, And you can't goback.
Angie (15:12):
Yeah.
And the paths are going indifferent directions and it
would be too much to ask foreach of you to give up what
you're working towards to makethe relationship work.
Some people choose to do thatand that's totally fine, but in
your case it didn't.
It wasn't something that youboth.
(15:34):
is that right?
Kristy (15:35):
Yeah.
So while I still valueindependence and flexibility and
freedom a lot, I think, I thinkin the case of Mr.
Lobster and I, it was a littlebit too much of a good thing and
we ended up drifting apartwithout even noticing until like
two, three years later.
Angie (15:55):
I wanna go back to you recognizing the fact that you
are overly independent.
Have you always known that andthat this situation has just
reminded you again of how itcould not always be a positive
thing, or is it something you'verealized for the first.
Kristy (16:15):
I think I've always recognized and took a lot of
pride that I'm an independentperson.
I'm like, I'm an independentwoman.
I can do whatever I want and I'mgonna get the thing that I want
and buy for it and pay for itand achieve for, you know, and
like do my thing.
And that was always somethingthat I was very proud of.
What I had recognized recently,like this is a new revelation
(16:39):
for me, is that, oh, Too muchindependence isn't always a good
thing.
And I started recognizing thatbecause like the moment I ca so,
so I came back to Vancouver,right?
Everybody.
And then I like stopped by at mymom's place.
I had some time, so I was like,I might as well clear out all of
my shit from the van, and then Islept there for one night, one,
(17:03):
one night.
Everybody I slept there for onenight and I'm like, I can't, I
can't do this I can't
Angie (17:12):
I feel like I'm being suffocated.
Kristy (17:14):
I need to live on my own.
And I don't think it's just themom thing.
I don't, Yes, of course.
A, a big part of it is becauseI'm living with my mom and that
in its of, it in of itself hasits own suffocating features.
But I think about when I wasliving with my roommate, there
wasn't suffocation at all, itjust worked out that, him and I
are very independent and hereally respects my space and I
(17:38):
respect his space.
There would be days when wemight not even say anything to
each other at all, you know?
And that's totally good with me.
Like, I am so good with that.
And I felt so blessed that I wasable to live with someone who
was, who was also like that.
And then there's gonna be somedays when we'd be like, binge
watching Netflix for hourstogether and like, or having
chats about our families, youknow?
(17:59):
So it's not to say we'reantisocial people, it's just I
really need that space.
And, and when I was out on theroad, I freaking loved it.
Like I loved being by myself andmy mom and your mom are now
doing these hikes, you know,every weekend together.
(18:20):
And, and I've been doing a lotof hikes like during my road
trip back, so my mom and I arelike bonding on talking about
hiking and, you know, blah, blahblah.
And she was like, Oh, it'd begreat if we like go on hikes
together.
And I'm like, Sure.
And I'm sometimes, I don't wannago on hikes with her all the
time because one of my favoritethings about hiking is doing it
by myself.
Like, I love hiking by myself.
(18:42):
And then I was explaining it toher, like, why I love hiking by,
by myself rather than like withanother human.
And she just like didn't get itor she got it, but it, it was
just not something she related.
And, and I understand she and Iare different people.
And then I, I just startthinking of all these like,
(19:04):
different, scenarios like myliving situation, my, you know,
my activities that I like to do.
A lot of the times I, I like todo them by myself, and I didn't
think that was a problem.
Bef I don't, I still don't thinkthey're a problem, but it just,
it made me realize how manythings I prefer to do alone.
(19:25):
Like, I just wanna live bymyself.
I wanna do things by myself.
I wanna cook for myself.
I don't wanna cook for otherpeople.
Like, I just wanna do things forme when I want to on my schedule
however I want it.
And that also leads into like,how I find it really, really,
really difficult to ask forhelp.
(19:46):
Like, I just, I don't know.
It makes me, I, I, I understandthe importance of it and.
I will reach out when I feellike I need to, but to feel like
I need to takes a while for meto get there, you know?
Angie (20:04):
Yep.
Kristy (20:04):
And so then I'm like, Well, then it's really hard for
me to imagine like, cohabitingmy life with another person.
Like, how am I going to livewith another Like mom or not
like I, how am I gonna live withanother human being yet I want
this family.
Like, I, there, there's like, Iwant, a partner in my life that
(20:26):
will be there when I come home.
But yet I like, don't wanna cookfor them.
I wanna like, have my ownschedule.
I, I think that's something Ineed to start learning.
And that's why I feel likesometimes I might be too
independent, overly independent,and if the life that I want is
to have a partner with me wherewe can live together and have a
(20:50):
family, like, not kids as awhole, go to episode, whatever,
whatever, about the where wetalk about babies, but I mean
like just even a family withinhaving each other.
If I want that in my life, how,how am I gonna do that?
So I feel like, oh shit, I maybe too independent.
That's something I need to learnto maybe let go of and learn how
(21:13):
to cohabit with someone andshare my life with someone
without, without giving up myown independence as well.
Angie (21:23):
Yes, I have a similar mindset and independence I think
is kind of a catch all word forwanting to be self-reliant or
self such sufficient.
And just also having thingsunder your control.
(21:44):
And because I feel like nothaving to rely on other people,
Makes you feel more like you'rein control.
Cause I have the same thing.
If I had to rely on somebodyelse for something, I feel like
it's, I'm constantly out ofcontrol because they're not
gonna do it how I want them todo it.
They're gonna do it wrong, butthey're not gonna do it on time.
And, and then it's also like,this is one thing I struggle
(22:04):
with in my current situation,living with my partner.
And that's one of those thingswhere like, I've always been
quote unquote independent, butit's one of the, those things
where like, I'm trying so hardlearning to like be okay with
it, but inside I'm like, Ah, SoI, I know where you're coming
(22:25):
from and I think knowing who youare, like I, I know what you've
been through, in your life, inyour childhood, and it's a
learned behavior because you'vehad to be independent.
You, you've had to be selfsufficient, otherwise you would
starve.
Like you, you had to do that.
(22:47):
So to you that felt safe, likewaiting on somebody else to cook
for you, you might be hungry,but if you cook for yourself,
you know that you'll always havea meal.
And that kind of security madeyou feel in control.
And we bring that with us to ouradulthood and we bring that with
us to our adult relationships.
Kristy (23:07):
Wow.
I feel so seen right now.
Thank you.
Angie (23:12):
and I see you because I have a similar mindset.
So in a lot of ways we are verycomplimentary.
We're very opposite.
But in this case, I think Irelate to your experience a lot,
in terms of this is where ourindependence comes.
And we've always both been proudof it.
(23:33):
and I've learned slowly as wellthat sometimes it can hinder.
something else that I want in mylife and how I've always seen it
is that, yeah, it's, it's like acontrol thing.
it's also how we can feel safe.
It's a security thing.
It's, it's how we've just cometo understand our place in the
(23:55):
world, our place in arelationship, our place in a
family, our place within ourparents' world, within our
friends' world.
like for myself, I know thatlast time when we talked about
adult relationships in episode51, I spoke how I have these
very thin barriers and I letpeople in all the time.
(24:16):
When I think about it, thosepeople that I led in all the
time, I had never let them inwith the closest circle to me.
And to me, that circle around meis the smallest and the thickest
because when I let people in,I'm extremely vulnerable.
And really the only time Ireally let people in that
closely is my partners.
(24:39):
And they see my vulnerable sidethat other people don't see.
And that's something I'm stilllearning to deal with too,
because when I lose a partner,that's a support that I no
longer have.
So that's a whole otherconversation.
Kristy (24:54):
it, it's like, it's like, you know, the walls are
thin.
It's free cover, Everybody getsto come into the club, but
there's this like exclusive v ip club inside the club and very,
very select people get to go inthere and sometimes it's only
just one person, yoursignificant other, and when they
(25:15):
leave, then the v i p room isempty.
Angie (25:18):
Yes.
And then I feel extremelylonely.
Yeah.
So that's, where my independencecome from and that's where for
me, like independence is almostkind of a safety barrier.
Kristy (25:30):
And this is something that I am just learning so new
for me because I always thoughtindependence was a good thing.
Well, here, let's go on thisgood versus bad.
Let's, let's do this dichotomistshit.
I, I didn't realize until nowthat it's something I need to
unlearn.
It makes like everything thatyou had said, it makes sense why
(25:52):
I became who I am and why Ibehave this way.
But if I want to have the lifethat I want in the future, I
think this is something I needto start unlearning.
And that's new for me.
And I'm scared, you know, I'mscared because it feels like
there's so many new things in mylife now.
My v i p room is, is empty andI'm doing this unlearning work
(26:15):
on myself, and I'm trying tofigure out what to do in my
career next.
Angie (26:20):
Yeah,
Kristy (26:22):
it's, it's a very, it's exciting because I feel like I'm
actually in a new chapter in mylife.
Like we're turning 32 this year.
When we were approaching 30, wefelt like the world was ending
and.
Angie (26:38):
Yes,
Kristy (26:38):
And it turned out it was, it was no big deal.
It was all good.
But now I feel like I'm at avery, I'm at a pivotal point.
Is that the right word?
Maybe it's not a pivotal point.
I feel like I have stepped awayfrom that quote unquote twenties
mindset, and I'm ready to stepinto a new chapter in my life.
(27:00):
But going into a new chapteralso means I'm grieving the old
chapters, which is what I wasdoing in my twenties up until
now, early thirties.
So what I'm saying is that theborder is not so definitive of
like, at 30 you're gonna start anew chapter.
And for me it's like I'mapproaching 32, but I, I fully
(27:22):
feel like I'm starting a newchapter.
And that's exciting because Ihave.
Semi idea of what I want now butit's also freakishly scary
because there's so much unknownsand the things that made me feel
safe, like a, like job securityand having a partner, those are
no longer there anymore.
So I'm nervous.
(27:43):
And when it comes to a, aromantic relationship, I've,
I've said before that I havejumped from one partner to
another, and I really think Ineed to be single for a while.
I think that's going to bereally good for me.
But it is also scary becausethat in of itself is new.
So there's so many new thingshappening in my life and just
(28:05):
even being single, thatexperience is new and, and I'm
scared and.
So often, and then, what did Isay often?
I mean like the last 48 hours, Ikeep thinking like, Oh my God,
how do I get back out there?
Like, you know, like it's not,it's not a stressful thing, but
it's just, it just pops in myhead like, Oh, I, I should start
(28:27):
dating.
Oh, I should start doing this.
Oh, I should go out and startmeeting new people.
Let me, let me Google bestdating apps 2020 Reddit.
And then I'm like, Wait aminute, what am I doing?
Like, do I even wanna be dating?
Like, no, But it was, it's sucha, it's such a automatic
response because I'm so used tofilling the v i p room that I
(28:49):
have to consciously be like,Hold up.
You don't even wanna be datingright now.
Like, you just, automaticallythink you need to be dating
because that's what you do.
But I need to slow down and besingle for a while yet I can't
help it.
I can't help but think like, Oh,I wonder what my next person is
gonna be like, or, how am Igonna meet them?
(29:10):
And, and then I get scared whenI think about that because I'm
like, I don't know how to meet anew person.
Because all the other previouspeople were just always within
the circles of my life anyways.
And they just like leveled upinto v i p status.
But meeting a new person andlike, being on the dating scene,
I don't know what, what any ofthat is like.
(29:30):
So again, new and scary.
So being single new and scary.
And then when I am ready andwhen I do feel like it's
appropriate to date, again, thatis also going to be new and.
Angie (29:41):
So there's two points there.
The part where you're looking,you're like thinking about, oh,
like what's the best dating app?
Where, what is my, dating lifegonna look like?
What is out there?
Like, what are my opportunities?
Right.
I totally get it.
But also it's so similar to whenwe are, let's say for example,
you feel you've hit a wall atwork, and you're like, Okay, I
(30:02):
wonder.
Jobs are out there, What otheropportunities are out there
that's possible?
So you start looking throughLinkedIn, you start Googling
shit to see like, what if I wereto change jobs?
What kind of job could I gointo?
So you look, but you don'tactually make a move because
you're not actually ready for anew job.
(30:23):
You're just thinking, okay, wellif I'm no longer happy, then
what?
What can I do?
Right?
So it's, it is like plantingthose seeds.
So I totally like see theparallel between those two.
Kristy (30:36):
All the, all our poop troops who are like quiet
quitting are like, Yes, I dothat.
I do that.
Okay, so here's the thing.
Here's a tiny little bit of adifference, is that when we do
that, we are already in a jobmost of the time, right?
So you're like, and then you'rejust curious to see what is out
there, but you're not ready toleave your old job yet.
(30:57):
For me, I'm like unemployed andI'm looking and I'm, And then
you get, you know?
Angie (31:03):
You get more desperate
Kristy (31:05):
Yes, exactly, Exactly.
There's desperation.
Whereas if you're already in ajob, there's less desperation.
It's more of a curiosity.
Angie (31:13):
Yeah, so
Kristy (31:15):
And the parallel is that I am actually doing that because
I am jobless, I'm unemployed,
Angie (31:22):
you're living both.
the both parallels.
I mean, yeah, like when, whenwe're in jobs, it because it's
not, frowned.
Like it's not taboo to belooking at other jobs when you
have a job.
So we do it.
And when you're unemployed,you're more desperate because
you need money.
Like we need money to live.
but I do know some people whoquit their job took some time
(31:43):
off because they're like, Okay,I'm gonna cut back on my
expenses, cut back on mylifestyle, and I'm just gonna
take a few months to figure outwhat I wanna do.
And it's not common because alot of people maybe don't have
that privilege, but it's totallydoable.
And I think the same situationis for you, it's totally doable
for relationship wise as well,like taking a few months, you
(32:05):
can afford it.
Right now you're not.
you're not like, Oh, I need tohave babies by the time I'm 35.
You know, you don't have anylike, conditions that you must
fulfill now.
Whereas like if you're desperatefor a job, cause you're like, I
need to pay my fucking rent.
So I'm desperate for a job.
But you can afford it.
you can afford taking time onthat because you don't want kids
anyway.
(32:25):
And as you get older and peopleare more clear about what they
want, when you actually enterthe dating pool, you'll be able
to meet people who are on thesame page.
Kristy (32:34):
I fully agree and that's exactly what I wanna be doing
is, is taking that break.
It's just, I have to consciouslyremind myself like, Whoa, whoa,
whoa.
Like, hold up.
You need to take a break.
Cuz innately I'm like, Oh myGod, I need to, go back to
dating.
I need to like, you know, findmy partner now.
And, and then I'm like, No, likeslow down.
(32:57):
You need to take this break.
And, and like, so I think whatI'm trying to say is I have to
actively remind.
to calm the fuck down.
Angie (33:06):
Yes, and, and you should be, and you should take your
time.
Everything I said is logical,but again, emotions are not
logical.
So my advice is more, you know,for later as well.
but yeah, you need that rightnow to keep reminding yourself.
You need that time to processand that's where you're at.
And I think that's totallynormal and super healthy.
Kristy (33:26):
Thanks,
Angie (33:26):
Yeah.
I mean, I think everythingyou're doing is great and coming
from a very logical perspective.
I had a while ago I had read alot of articles about, being
together, Living Apart.
I think there's an acronym forit, but it's mostly for slightly
older people or people who havebeen through divorces or people
(33:52):
basically they go, I wanna liveon my own, but I don't want to
be single.
And there are people who are,There was a couple of examples
of, couples who are eitherlong-term partners or married,
but they don't live together,which is kind of an interesting
concept.
It's definitely very fringe andit's not mainstream, but I can
(34:12):
see where they're coming from.
I don't know if it's for me, butI can totally say why people
have made that choice.
I think a lot of it comes fromthe fact that as we get older,
we feel more secure aboutourselves and we feel more
secure by ourselves.
And if you have all thosesecurities checked off a list
that maybe you no longer seeliving with somebody as another
source of security, because the,I think the biggest, factor of
(34:37):
having a relationship, having ajob being such similar, like
approaches in life, like whatthe examples that we made about
how they're parallel.
It's not because a job is like apartner.
We're not getting paid to bewith somebody.
It's not transactional.
We, we we're not reducingrelationships down to a
(34:57):
transactional thing.
What it is, is that they bothgive us security
Kristy (35:03):
So I'm curious,, being together, living apart might not
be something that you want inyour life.
So what is it about living withyour partner that appeals to
you?
Angie (35:14):
It just feels like a family.
I've always, same thing as you,I just always wanted my own
family, and in the past I sawthat family as like kids, but
now I'm like, okay.
I still feel like we're afamily, especially since we have
a dog and we call her the babyLike literally like if one of us
(35:35):
is at work, like working at theoffice, we'll like message the
other person.
How's the baby doing?
And then I'll, Or like one timeI'm, I was like at the grocery
store and I'm like, Oh, what'sthe baby doing?
And and Nick was like, Oh, she'sasleep.
I was like, Oh, good baby And Iwas like, I was like, Can you
send me a photo of her?
Cuz she always looks so cutewhen she's sleeping.
(35:57):
And this was like when we firsthad her, so I'm pretty sure if
people overheard me talking onthe phone, they would legit
think I was talking about like ahuman baby.
But no, I was talking about ourdog So
Kristy (36:10):
pets are the new babies after all right,
Angie (36:12):
Exactly.
And they, and ever since having,like Evie and raising her
together, Yeah, it feels like afamily.
And I think living togethergives me that sense of security
in that I have a family andthat's why I would choose to
live with a.
Kristy (36:27):
me too.
That's exactly why.
Yeah.
Angie (36:31):
Yeah.
And if that's something youwant, yes.
You will have to learn tocompromise I think I said that
to you other day.
I was like, Ugh.
Remember when you used to comeover and we would do podcast
stuff together and every timeyou entered I would like make
sure everything was like alittle bit cleaned up, like no
clutter.
I would like put my diffuser onand it would smell so nice that
you would come over and it waslike an oasis.
And we like put the kettle on,make some tea.
(36:53):
It was like, great.
And now I, every time I walkinto the apartment I'm like,
Ugh, so messy.
And it's not, And I'm notblaming Nick.
It's both of us because I'mliving here with somebody else.
I have less free time and I haveless like idleness.
(37:13):
There are.
What is that?
I don't know.
There's less idleness, Is that aword?
Kristy (37:18):
Yeah,
Angie (37:19):
less idle.
Yeah.
So because of that, I'm notreally like cleaning.
If I get bored, like before Iwould be like, Oh, let me tidy
up here, clean here.
Oh, it would look so pretty now.
I feel so calm right now.
Like the whole place is kind ofchaotic because life is kind of
chaotic.
so I'm just like, Yolo,whatever, and it, it's a
compromise.
And there'll be days where I'mlike, I really miss what my
(37:43):
apartment used to look like andwhat it used to feel like.
But that's the compromise thatI'm making and it's daily.
It's not like I made thecompromise when he first moved
in, when we first started livingtogether, when we first got
Evie, which coincided, but Imade the, I made the decision to
be like, Okay, I'm gonnasacrifice some things.
I'm gonna make a compromise.
(38:04):
But it's still like, sometimesit's still a.
Not every day, but it'll be likemoments here and there where I
have to remind myself there wasa reason why I chose this
Kristy (38:18):
I chose this, I chose this
Angie (38:20):
Yes, I chose this.
I wanted this.
Kristy (38:24):
Oh man.
I feel like so many of our pooptroops could relate, whether
it's cohabiting with someone orhaving actual kids or, you know,
having pets that are basicallyyour kids.
And I feel like I'm, I'mdefinitely not there yet.
I'm, I'm trying to get to thepoint where I can have my own
(38:44):
apartment and, you know, createmy own oasis before I even.
Start learning how to cohabitwith someone.
But I feel like some of thatwork in, in letting go of the
independence will be veryhelpful and start doing that
now.
I don't know how, but startdoing that now so that when I am
(39:05):
ready to cohabit with someone,I'm not saying I'm not gonna go
through the same frustrations.
I probably would feel even morefrustrated
Angie (39:12):
Well, I don't know about that because I think you are
more patient than am.
Kristy (39:17):
I dunno, man that's very nice of you, but I don't think
I'm patient.
yeah, I think trying to, atleast right now I recognize I
may be overly independent andI'm gonna have to figure out how
to unlearn that so that when Iam ready to cohabit with
someone, hopefully that it wouldmake things easier or at least
(39:41):
baseline.
Angie (39:42):
You would have a baseline?
I don't know if it would makethings easier.
I think if anything it wouldmake any, something harder
because let's say you're livingat home with your mom and then
you end up in a long-termrelationship, you decide to move
in with them.
It's probably an upgrade in somesense because you, you'll still
be able to be independent and atthat point, like, I don't know,
(40:04):
I just, obviously it's alwaysnice to live with someone that's
not your mom.
That's, I think that'suniversal.
It's not because we don't lovethem, it's, it's universal.
Like we need to be independentfrom them and, Yeah.
So whereas like if you, I'm notsaying don't do it, I'm just
saying be prepared if you live.
(40:25):
By yourself for a while.
You're gonna start to havecertain standards and have
certain ways of doing things,and you decide to move in with
somebody that's, you're gonnaneed a whole new system.
I know, I know.
It's horrifying to think about,
Kristy (40:38):
it's
Angie (40:39):
it when I think about like the baseline happiness and
happiness, like it's not likethe content and the fulfillment,
like feeling stable and notfeeling like there's a hole in
your life.
Not that I'm saying one personwill fill all that hole, but I
think they provide some sort ofa base like foundation.
(41:00):
At least for me, it feels like,okay, there's this one thing
that's very solid in my life.
Then when other things aren'tso.
I don't feel like my life isfalling apart.
Like if a job's not going wellor if a drama happens with
family or friends kind of thing.
That's why they say, Oh, like myblah blah, blah is my rock.
(41:20):
because it does provide thatsense of security.
So in the end, I wanna say it'sworth it right now because I
just heard him put away dishes.
But maybe when the kitchen's amess.
I won't say this, anything.
So it fluctuates.
It does fluctuate, but you know,in, in summary, that's like as
(41:44):
long as it's a net positive,nothing is all good or all bet
net positive is what I look for.
So yeah, there's a lot of microfrustrations.
Let's, let's talk about thatmicro
Kristy (41:58):
I feel like when I get there, that's gonna be another,
a new episode topic for us.
When I'm in
Angie (42:04):
new chapter as well.
Yeah.
And that's something like, it'sscary to think about, but it's
also exciting as well, cuz it'llbe another new chapter in your
life when it does happen.
And right now you get to focuson this chapter, which is great.
Not to say that you won't haveall these other anxieties.
Like maybe when you woke up, andyou felt this knot in your
stomach and you were like, Ah.
Like I don't know what's gonnahappen.
(42:25):
And that anxiety just comes fromthe fact that you're like, Okay,
well what's my rock right now?
Cause like you said, you'reunemployed and you're unmarried
Kristy (42:37):
I'm single and I'm unemployed.
I
Angie (42:42):
and you're homeless, you're squatting in somebody
else's house,
Kristy (42:47):
I am, I am.
This is literally like thebeginning of a romcom chick
flick,
Angie (42:53):
yes.
Be your own main character.
Yes.
This is totally be your ownchick, and that's the best part
of a new chapter.
It totally feels like a romcom.
You are now the main characterof this new movie, and you
should have all the funpossible.
Kristy (43:11):
In summary, I am homeless single, and I have no
job.
And it's very scary, but kind ofexciting and I feel like this is
the new chapter of my life.
Angie (43:22):
I feel like we should pop some champagne.
Why not?
Right?
Like we should start celebratingchange rather than like, Of
course there's grief.
Of course there's anxiety andthere's all that stuff, but it
shouldn't just be onedimensional, It shouldn't be
just all sad.
We're all grief, we're allupsetting.
There should also becelebrations of other good
(43:42):
things like, you know, there's,there's such thing as toxic,
toxic positivity.
There's also toxic negativity.
So we just need to find a goodbalance.
So yes, next time I see you,let's pop some bubbly
Kristy (43:55):
Oh my gosh.
I'm very excited cuz you know, Ilove bubblies.
are my favorite.
Yeah.
And I feel like this episodethere's a lot more positivity
than I had anticipated before weeven started recording.
And I think this in of itself isan example of how.
It's not one or the other.
(44:16):
You know, it's, Yes, I've justbroken up with someone that is,
is, very near and dear and it isvery sad.
It is a very sad, grievingmoment.
But at the same time, I can alsobe excited and I can also talk
about popping champagne becauseit's never one dimensional.
(44:37):
It's very complicated and lifeis complicated and it's messy.
And so there's gonna be grief,but there's also gonna be
excitement.
And sometimes that can happen atthe same time.
They don't always happen at thesame time.
But sometimes it can.
And sometimes you can allowyourself to feel all range of
feelings and, and emotions.
And that's, In fact, it'sprobably a good thing.
Angie (44:59):
I think it's a good thing to recognize that.
Yeah.
And you're, you're gonna havedays where you feel really down
and have moments where the grieftakes over and it's.
More grief and anxiety than theother emotions.
But I think recognizing thatthat's okay and that and that
when you do feel good emotionsand that's okay as well.
(45:19):
Like there's no guilt or shamein feeling either of those.
It's very healthy and mature andI'm happy to see it.
And I'm happy that you're doingokay.
Kristy (45:31):
For a single homeless jobless person.
Angie (45:36):
Yes.
Yes.
This is a good example that youdon't need all these things to
be okay.
Kristy (45:41):
Because I have good friends.
Angie (45:44):
You have good friends.
I mean, obviously we we'rejoking about the homelessness.
is taking a light on a veryserious situation.
obviously Kristy does have aplace to live, so it's still a
privilege.
Kristy (45:59):
Yeah, I think that's it.
Angie (46:01):
How do you feel?
Kristy (46:02):
That was definitely a lot more like happy go lucky
than I expected.
Angie (46:06):
In a good way or in a bad way?
Kristy (46:08):
In a good way.
Yeah.
Angie (46:10):
Because I also don't wanna take away from your grief
either.
I don't want it to be like, Oh,it should, it should all be
happy rainbows.
Happy rainbows,
Kristy (46:22):
what are
Angie (46:22):
have emotions.
shouldn't be all happy rainbowsand joyful unicorns.
of course.
Yeah.
So I hope I didn't take awayfrom your grief.
Kristy (46:35):
No, I think it just, it reminds me that I can feel all
sorts of things while goingthrough this grief, while trying
to process that, Oh, this personis no longer in my life.
I think one of the hardest partabout the breakup is trying to
preserve and respect thememories of that relationship
(46:57):
that we had because it was justso good and I don't wanna, I
don't want to forget it and Idon't want to reduce it, you
know, I just, I wanna put itinto a little box and tie it
with a pretty bow and like putit in the back of the closet
with all of the joy and the hurtand the pain and the happiness
(47:20):
that came with it, and, I don'twant to reduce it to just like a
small handful of memoriesbecause that would be really
sad.
Angie (47:29):
why don't you do that?
Like physically get a box, putparts of the relationship that
remind you of these moments andwrap it in a pretty bow, if that
helps your grieving process.
Why not?
It might sound a bit cliche orromcom heavy, but again, you're
(47:51):
now the main star of your ownromcom.
You do whatever you want.
Kristy (47:55):
That does sound nice.
Angie (47:56):
I think so
Kristy (47:57):
Okay, I'll do that.
Angie (47:58):
If that's something that's crossed your mind like,
Oh, I want to put it into thislittle box, it would be really
nice.
Kristy (48:04):
I meant metaphorically, but
Angie (48:08):
metaphorically sometimes when you act out metaphors, it's
nice.
It's like, when, what happened,what did I do?
I mean, you don't have to do it.
Well, my first boyfriend, inhigh school, I was like in grade
10, grade 11, and when we brokeup, I was really upset.
So I took these like loveletters that he had written to
me, and I'm like, I'm gonna burnthem.
(48:29):
I'm like, No, that's, there'stoo much rage in burning them.
I don't wanna burn them.
So I'm like, Okay, I'll likethrow them into a fountain.
Throw into the fountain.
And it got all soggy I'm like,Wait a minute, now it's garbage.
Now I so had this idea of how rolike how romantic in the sense
(48:53):
of like a movie, how very like,you know, it would like be like
sensing it, like floating awayin the fountain just got like
soaked and looked really grossand I was like, Okay, I'll just
away.
Kristy (49:06):
the scene that doesn't show up on movies where the,
where the person has to go andlike fish out these like wet,
soggy pieces of paper from thefountain and actually dispose of
them properly.
Angie (49:17):
Yeah.
So that was my experience when Itried to do something romantic,
I was like, Oh, It's not a goodidea.
Kristy (49:28):
Okay.
But the actual Yeah, the boxthing.
Yeah.
I'm literally thinking about,have you seen to all the boys
I've ever loved,
Angie (49:35):
Yes,
Kristy (49:36):
you know that hat box where she kept all the letters?
So it's not gonna be that box,but like that's what I'm
picturing right now
Angie (49:43):
Yeah, it's very cute.
Yeah, I think so too.
Yeah.
Kristy (49:50):
Healing.
Okay.
Angie (49:52):
I don't know how to end this
Kristy (49:54):
I don't know either and maybe it's not like because it
isn't an end.
This whole story that we talkedabout today is more of a
beginning,
Angie (50:02):
That's right, that's true.
Kristy (50:03):
so I think we'll just leave it at that until.
Until the next episode of ourshit.
Where we see where, where elselife will take us.
Angie (50:12):
Thanks for listening to this episode.
Kristy (50:15):
Okay.
Bye.
Angie (50:16):
Bye.
Kristy (50:47):
We're having hot pot tomorrow at my house.
and I think, I guess like littlethings like that I'm a semi
nervous for because, since westarted having family dinner
with my, with my grandma andlike that side of the family,
Mr.
Lobster had always been there,
Angie (51:04):
Oh
Kristy (51:05):
so it was like he was there before my family was
there, you know?
And so every family dinner, hewas always there.
And this is gonna be the firstfamily dinner where he's not
there.
And that's weird.
They're gonna ask questions,
Angie (51:18):
oh, no.
Kristy (51:20):
be the Yeah.
Especially my aunt who was thetypical Chinese
Angie (51:26):
Okay, let's rehearse.
What are you gonna say?
Kristy (51:28):
Oh God.
I don't, I'm
Angie (51:30):
say like, he had to spend Thanksgiving dinner with his
family?
Kristy (51:36):
no, I'm just gonna tell them like, we broke up.
And they'll be like, Why?
And they'll be, We grew apart.
Angie (51:41):
Mm.
Okay.
Kristy (51:42):
That's, that's my plan.
And then just leave it at atthat.
Angie (51:45):
Okay.
Kristy (51:46):
Yeah.
Angie (51:47):
ask, just be like, I don't wanna talk about it.
It's very recent.
Kristy (51:50):
I don't know how to
Angie (51:51):
Huh?
Kristy (51:52):
in Chinese
Angie (51:54):
Yeah.
Don't watch me anymore.
Mo.
I don't know.
Yeah,
Kristy (52:00):
That's so like angry teenager
Angie (52:03):
I know I'm joking, but that, but you know, those are
the words that we know.
Kristy (52:07):
Exactly.
And that's like probably how Irespond, which is why my mom
thinks I'm just some angryteenager all the
Angie (52:13):
Yeah, mom.
It's not that I'm an angryteenager.
I have the vocabulary of ateenager.
When we broke up, I was really upset.
So I took these like loveletters that he had written to
me, and I'm like, I'm gonna burnthem.
I'm like, No, that's, there'stoo much rage in burning them.
I don't wanna burn them.
So I'm like, Okay, I'll likethrow them into a fountain.
Throw into the fountain.
And it got all soggy I'm like,Wait a minute, now it's garbage
Now I welcome back to anotherepisode of Shit We Don't Tell
(00:48):
Mom.
This is Angie.
Kristy (00:50):
This is Kristy.
Angie (00:51):
so we have two updates as of last episode.
Kristy is back in Vancouver.
by the time this comes up, shewill be officially back in
Vancouver.
She will no longer be inincognito mode, which she is
right now, because she's nothome and she's like hiding
somewhere in Richmond, which isamazing.
Kristy (01:13):
You know, when you say incognito, I think of that man
on Google Chrome with like theglasses and the top hat and like
the trench coat or whatever.
The cape
Angie (01:22):
yes.
That's
Kristy (01:23):
That's me right now.
Angie (01:25):
you right now, like not really wanting to integrate
fully back into Vancouversociety yet.
So you're just kind of back inincognito.
Kristy (01:34):
Yeah, I'm slowly, slowly making my way into real life,
but not really.
I recognize it's a very, a hugeprivilege for me to even even be
doing that.
So, but
Angie (01:44):
but you know, whatever.
Enjoy it,
Kristy (01:46):
exactly.
It's tiring, right?
And when you're tired, you needto rest, and I'm allowing myself
to rest.
Angie (01:54):
That's right.
All right, so there's a secondupdate and I don't know what the
second update is, but perhapsyou can enlighten me and
enlighten the poop trips
Kristy (02:05):
This is very exciting.
Well, I mean, ex, I don't knowif exciting is the right word,
but I guess I'm, Hmm.
let me, let me like rethinkthis.
so if you haven't listened toepisode 45 please go and listen
to episode 45 so that thisepisode would actually make more
sense.
And you'll have some context cuzepisode 45 will give you some,
(02:26):
some background as to what hasbeen happening in my romantic
relationship life.
And today's episode is acontinuation of episode 45 where
I talk about what had happenednext.
If you've listened to it, great.
We're gonna keep going.
If you haven't, please go listento 45 and then come back to this
episode.
Okay?
(02:46):
So I'm gonna jump right.
So as of like less than 48 hoursago, Mr.
Lobster and I have officiallybroken up
Angie (02:58):
okay.
first of all, how do you feel.
Kristy (03:01):
I feel, I feel, I don't know, I feel a lot of things,
when, when he comes to my mind,I try not to think of it.
I think for a breakup, forsomething as significant as over
six years, I think I'm handlingit pretty well.
(03:23):
I think, in episode 45, we weretalking about how Mr.
Lobster and I decided to go on abreak.
I was really against the idea ofgoing on a break.
That was his suggestion to kindof, you know, cool things down,
give each other space to processand think about what we want and
how to move forward.
And I was like, a break is justlike a sad ass excuse to break
(03:47):
up.
It's just the, the cowardly wayof going, abouts breaking up.
And I was really against theidea.
I'm like, If we're gonna go on abreak, then we might as well
just break up.
And that was how the wholeconversation started and that,
and then that's how the flipflopping began.
Now I.
I'm, I'm kind of a fan of abreak now because during that
(04:10):
break, which was somewhere fromMarch until I guess now, so
around six, seven months, whichis pretty long, I felt like yes,
there was a lot more time andspace to process and, and think
about what it is that we want,but I think subconsciously I
(04:33):
knew we were heading towardsthis direction of breaking up,
and I don't know if the, this islike the right answer and maybe
there was no right answer, butfor me, I felt like it helped me
grieve without it being superintense.
If that makes sense.
Cause I think if we had straightup just broken up in March, I
(04:57):
would've been like a fuckingwreck.
Even if I knew that would'vebeen the right thing to do, I it
emotionally, it would've felt sointense.
And which is why there was somuch of that flip flopping, like
the intensity was already thereduring those initial
conversations.
But because we decided to go ona break, then it was like, we're
(05:18):
not fully broken up, but we'redeciding what we wanna do.
Like we could totally still getback together.
There was those possibilities,but you really had that time to
think about, is this what youwant?
Is this what I want?
And of course there are timeswhen I think, yes, I think we
should get back together.
And that's how we ended episode45 was I came to that conclusion
(05:39):
of like, Yes, I think we canstill make this work.
But a lot of things will have tochange.
But since that recording, Iagain, consciously or
subconsciously went towards thedirection of, I, I really do
think we should break up, eventhough it sucks because I felt
(06:01):
like, I felt like if we stayedtogether, we would've been
living a compromised version ofa life that neither of us really
wanted.
And by letting him go, Then weboth have the chance to live our
(06:24):
best life.
And it was really hard becausethis relationship is the best
romantic relationship I've hadthus far.
And I think the both of us keptclinging onto all the good
things at the beginning of there relationship.
(06:44):
And of course we understand thatthere's like H honeymoon phase
in that clouds things, but itwas like really good.
And we were both so confidentabout each other, so confident
in where this relationship wasgoing.
And I think that's what made itreally hard for us to fully
break up back in March.
Cuz neither of us wanted to letthat go.
(07:05):
When you have something good,you don't wanna give up on it,
You know, and I know he is areally great person, but it's
just not something that fitswell in my life and where I want
my life to go anymore.
It's like, it's like, it's likehaving a Louis Vuitton purse and
(07:26):
I I, I don't think I'm a supermaterialistic person, so I don't
give a fuck about brand namesand brand name purses, but I
know it's a value.
Like I know it's high quality.
I know it's something peoplewant.
(07:47):
So it's like I have this LouisVuitton purse and I don't wanna
give it up even though itdoesn't fit well with my
lifestyle and what I actuallycare about.
Not that, not to say I don'tcare about Mr.
Lobster, but you know, this islike high level analogy.
So it's like I wanna clingingonto this thing, knowing that
it's good, knowing that it'shigh value, but it's like, is it
(08:07):
even something that works wellwith my life?
Angie (08:11):
No, I think that's a really good analogy to describe
where you're coming from withregards to why you decided to
quote unquote let go.
That's hard.
I totally get it because the,the beginning of the
relationship, not just thehoneymoon phase but the way you
had come into each other'slives, the way you had
(08:32):
intertwined your lives andeverything was just so good.
It was very special.
So when things kind of dieddown, and maybe it got to the
point where it was like, okay,maybe we're headed in different
direction.
And that in itself is veryupsetting to think about because
there's doubts that start comingup.
There's dilemmas that startscoming up and yeah, basically I
(08:57):
can see that you were in thatgray area for quite some time,
probably for the last two years,maybe even longer.
So it was like a slow burn.
Like a slow burn until you madethe decision.
Kristy (09:11):
Which like from, you know, two years ago, the slow
burning coupled with the six,seven month break it's like, I
subconsciously knew we wereheading this direction.
We just didn't wanna admit it.
But because I'm subconsciouslyknowing I'm going to lose this
person, I start MicroG grieving,
Angie (09:31):
Nice.
Kristy (09:32):
which is Which is why I feel like
Angie (09:37):
Cause we just learned the word micro cheating last
episode.
Kristy (09:41):
Exactly.
Angie (09:41):
No, I love it.
Kristy (09:42):
know, the term micro is very useful,
Angie (09:46):
It is.
Kristy (09:47):
And it's not to say like I'm not upset Of course I am.
I just someone who is very, verydear and special to me is no
longer a big part of my lifeanymore.
And that's very upsetting and itfeels very lonely.
But I don't feel like my worldhas just ended.
Like I'm not curled up in aball.
(10:09):
Like everything in my life hasbeen destroyed, you know, in
that devastating pit that I havefelt in previous breakups.
And I think other people havefelt in breakups.
And that's just like the processof breaking up, right?
Like you go through that motion.
(10:30):
Although I did wake up yesterdayfeeling anxiety, which was very
interesting because typicallywhen I wake up from anxiety,
it's something to do with schoolor work or like performance or,
when I say performance, I meanlike, I don't know, speaking to
people, right?
Like performance anxiety or justlike anxiety about life and my
in, and the busy schedule thatit comes with.
(10:53):
And I felt the same symptoms,like the knots in my stomach,
the twists and like the whole,you know, twisting my legs
around my blankets and pullingonto them until like, I can't
breathe.
And it was weird because I have,I'm in this incognito mode right
now.
I'm like taking a staycation.
(11:15):
I'm very much relaxed.
There aren't too many stressfulthings.
But it was the, the thought ofhim not being in my life made me
anxious.
I don't think I have felt thatway about my previous
relationships before, and so I'mlike, Okay, is this just because
(11:36):
one, I'm, I'm, I'm better atnoticing my anxieties and better
at recognizing my own symptoms?
Or is it something, or is it, oris it Mr.
Lobster?
Angie (11:50):
I think it's both.
I think it's more so to do withthe fact that the relationship
you had with Mr.
Lobster was healthy and you areat a place where you're secure
because of all the work you havedone, such as learning how to
sit with your feelings andprocess your emotions.
I think it's all of that.
(12:11):
I think doing all that has madeyou more grounded, at least in
my opinion.
And because of that, when you'renow going through a big change,
especially when it has to dosomething with attachment.
But you know, as per ourattachment episode, episode 49,
when we talked about attachment,you were surprised that you were
secure, but I think that's areflection of how far you've
(12:34):
come.
And the relationship you hadwith Mr.
Lobster was very healthy.
You both did your own things.
You had your own life, you haveyour own hobbies and goals and
all that stuff.
So that's why I think you'rehandling this pretty well or
better than you had expectedbecause even though he's no
(12:55):
longer in your life, it's only apart of your life that has
fallen apart.
It's not your entire life.
And it's a, it's a significantpart, but it's not all of your
world.
Kristy (13:09):
Yeah, and I think that's, I think that's really
important because you can'texpect another human being to be
your whole world.
You can't put that much pressureonto someone else because
they're just another human justlike you are.
Like nobody knows what they'redoing.
So to, to have that as anexpectation on another person
(13:31):
is, is really stressful.
And I think that that is one ofour strong points in our
relationship is that we reallyrespect and gave each other
space to be independent people.
And I still, that's something Istill value very much and I, and
I hope to carry into my nextrelationship.
(13:51):
However, I've recently startedto recognize that I, I may be
too independent and not just,not just in romantic
relationships, but like in mylife.
(14:11):
and yeah, I was talking to mymom about this and I said, like
I said, like go, What's gothough in English?
Like extreme, too much
Angie (14:25):
overly.
Kristy (14:26):
overly.
Yeah.
And, and how that bled, how thathad affected my relationship
with Mr.
Lobster is that I think we gaveeach other too much space.
And that's why when we startedto go down different paths in
(14:47):
our lives and drift apart, wedidn't notice it because we
were, we had already given eachother too much space.
So we didn't notice that when wewere going in different
directions until it.
too late that we have alreadybecome different people and we
want different things.
And that was when we realized,oh shit, we are now on different
(15:09):
paths and it's, And you can't goback.
Angie (15:12):
Yeah.
And the paths are going indifferent directions and it
would be too much to ask foreach of you to give up what
you're working towards to makethe relationship work.
Some people choose to do thatand that's totally fine, but in
your case it didn't.
It wasn't something that youboth.
(15:34):
is that right?
Kristy (15:35):
Yeah.
So while I still valueindependence and flexibility and
freedom a lot, I think, I thinkin the case of Mr.
Lobster and I, it was a littlebit too much of a good thing and
we ended up drifting apartwithout even noticing until like
two, three years later.
Angie (15:55):
I wanna go back to you recognizing the fact that you
are overly independent.
Have you always known that andthat this situation has just
reminded you again of how itcould not always be a positive
thing, or is it something you'verealized for the first.
Kristy (16:15):
I think I've always recognized and took a lot of
pride that I'm an independentperson.
I'm like, I'm an independentwoman.
I can do whatever I want and I'mgonna get the thing that I want
and buy for it and pay for itand achieve for, you know, and
like do my thing.
And that was always somethingthat I was very proud of.
What I had recognized recently,like this is a new revelation
(16:39):
for me, is that, oh, Too muchindependence isn't always a good
thing.
And I started recognizing thatbecause like the moment I ca so,
so I came back to Vancouver,right?
Everybody.
And then I like stopped by at mymom's place.
I had some time, so I was like,I might as well clear out all of
my shit from the van, and then Islept there for one night, one,
(17:03):
one night.
Everybody I slept there for onenight and I'm like, I can't, I
can't do this I can't
Angie (17:12):
I feel like I'm being suffocated.
Kristy (17:14):
I need to live on my own.
And I don't think it's just themom thing.
I don't, Yes, of course.
A, a big part of it is becauseI'm living with my mom and that
in its of, it in of itself hasits own suffocating features.
But I think about when I wasliving with my roommate, there
wasn't suffocation at all, itjust worked out that, him and I
are very independent and hereally respects my space and I
(17:38):
respect his space.
There would be days when wemight not even say anything to
each other at all, you know?
And that's totally good with me.
Like, I am so good with that.
And I felt so blessed that I wasable to live with someone who
was, who was also like that.
And then there's gonna be somedays when we'd be like, binge
watching Netflix for hourstogether and like, or having
chats about our families, youknow?
(17:59):
So it's not to say we'reantisocial people, it's just I
really need that space.
And, and when I was out on theroad, I freaking loved it.
Like I loved being by myself andmy mom and your mom are now
doing these hikes, you know,every weekend together.
(18:20):
And, and I've been doing a lotof hikes like during my road
trip back, so my mom and I arelike bonding on talking about
hiking and, you know, blah, blahblah.
And she was like, Oh, it'd begreat if we like go on hikes
together.
And I'm like, Sure.
And I'm sometimes, I don't wannago on hikes with her all the
time because one of my favoritethings about hiking is doing it
by myself.
Like, I love hiking by myself.
(18:42):
And then I was explaining it toher, like, why I love hiking by,
by myself rather than like withanother human.
And she just like didn't get itor she got it, but it, it was
just not something she related.
And, and I understand she and Iare different people.
And then I, I just startthinking of all these like,
(19:04):
different, scenarios like myliving situation, my, you know,
my activities that I like to do.
A lot of the times I, I like todo them by myself, and I didn't
think that was a problem.
Bef I don't, I still don't thinkthey're a problem, but it just,
it made me realize how manythings I prefer to do alone.
(19:25):
Like, I just wanna live bymyself.
I wanna do things by myself.
I wanna cook for myself.
I don't wanna cook for otherpeople.
Like, I just wanna do things forme when I want to on my schedule
however I want it.
And that also leads into like,how I find it really, really,
really difficult to ask forhelp.
(19:46):
Like, I just, I don't know.
It makes me, I, I, I understandthe importance of it and.
I will reach out when I feellike I need to, but to feel like
I need to takes a while for meto get there, you know?
Angie (20:04):
Yep.
Kristy (20:04):
And so then I'm like, Well, then it's really hard for
me to imagine like, cohabitingmy life with another person.
Like, how am I going to livewith another Like mom or not
like I, how am I gonna live withanother human being yet I want
this family.
Like, I, there, there's like, Iwant, a partner in my life that
(20:26):
will be there when I come home.
But yet I like, don't wanna cookfor them.
I wanna like, have my ownschedule.
I, I think that's something Ineed to start learning.
And that's why I feel likesometimes I might be too
independent, overly independent,and if the life that I want is
to have a partner with me wherewe can live together and have a
(20:50):
family, like, not kids as awhole, go to episode, whatever,
whatever, about the where wetalk about babies, but I mean
like just even a family withinhaving each other.
If I want that in my life, how,how am I gonna do that?
So I feel like, oh shit, I maybe too independent.
That's something I need to learnto maybe let go of and learn how
(21:13):
to cohabit with someone andshare my life with someone
without, without giving up myown independence as well.
Angie (21:23):
Yes, I have a similar mindset and independence I think
is kind of a catch all word forwanting to be self-reliant or
self such sufficient.
And just also having thingsunder your control.
(21:44):
And because I feel like nothaving to rely on other people,
Makes you feel more like you'rein control.
Cause I have the same thing.
If I had to rely on somebodyelse for something, I feel like
it's, I'm constantly out ofcontrol because they're not
gonna do it how I want them todo it.
They're gonna do it wrong, butthey're not gonna do it on time.
And, and then it's also like,this is one thing I struggle
(22:04):
with in my current situation,living with my partner.
And that's one of those thingswhere like, I've always been
quote unquote independent, butit's one of the, those things
where like, I'm trying so hardlearning to like be okay with
it, but inside I'm like, Ah, SoI, I know where you're coming
(22:25):
from and I think knowing who youare, like I, I know what you've
been through, in your life, inyour childhood, and it's a
learned behavior because you'vehad to be independent.
You, you've had to be selfsufficient, otherwise you would
starve.
Like you, you had to do that.
(22:47):
So to you that felt safe, likewaiting on somebody else to cook
for you, you might be hungry,but if you cook for yourself,
you know that you'll always havea meal.
And that kind of security madeyou feel in control.
And we bring that with us to ouradulthood and we bring that with
us to our adult relationships.
Kristy (23:07):
Wow.
I feel so seen right now.
Thank you.
Angie (23:12):
and I see you because I have a similar mindset.
So in a lot of ways we are verycomplimentary.
We're very opposite.
But in this case, I think Irelate to your experience a lot,
in terms of this is where ourindependence comes.
And we've always both been proudof it.
(23:33):
and I've learned slowly as wellthat sometimes it can hinder.
something else that I want in mylife and how I've always seen it
is that, yeah, it's, it's like acontrol thing.
it's also how we can feel safe.
It's a security thing.
It's, it's how we've just cometo understand our place in the
(23:55):
world, our place in arelationship, our place in a
family, our place within ourparents' world, within our
friends' world.
like for myself, I know thatlast time when we talked about
adult relationships in episode51, I spoke how I have these
very thin barriers and I letpeople in all the time.
(24:16):
When I think about it, thosepeople that I led in all the
time, I had never let them inwith the closest circle to me.
And to me, that circle around meis the smallest and the thickest
because when I let people in,I'm extremely vulnerable.
And really the only time Ireally let people in that
closely is my partners.
(24:39):
And they see my vulnerable sidethat other people don't see.
And that's something I'm stilllearning to deal with too,
because when I lose a partner,that's a support that I no
longer have.
So that's a whole otherconversation.
Kristy (24:54):
it, it's like, it's like, you know, the walls are
thin.
It's free cover, Everybody getsto come into the club, but
there's this like exclusive v ip club inside the club and very,
very select people get to go inthere and sometimes it's only
just one person, yoursignificant other, and when they
(25:15):
leave, then the v i p room isempty.
Angie (25:18):
Yes.
And then I feel extremelylonely.
Yeah.
So that's, where my independencecome from and that's where for
me, like independence is almostkind of a safety barrier.
Kristy (25:30):
And this is something that I am just learning so new
for me because I always thoughtindependence was a good thing.
Well, here, let's go on thisgood versus bad.
Let's, let's do this dichotomistshit.
I, I didn't realize until nowthat it's something I need to
unlearn.
It makes like everything thatyou had said, it makes sense why
(25:52):
I became who I am and why Ibehave this way.
But if I want to have the lifethat I want in the future, I
think this is something I needto start unlearning.
And that's new for me.
And I'm scared, you know, I'mscared because it feels like
there's so many new things in mylife now.
My v i p room is, is empty andI'm doing this unlearning work
(26:15):
on myself, and I'm trying tofigure out what to do in my
career next.
Angie (26:20):
Yeah,
Kristy (26:22):
it's, it's a very, it's exciting because I feel like I'm
actually in a new chapter in mylife.
Like we're turning 32 this year.
When we were approaching 30, wefelt like the world was ending
and.
Angie (26:38):
Yes,
Kristy (26:38):
And it turned out it was, it was no big deal.
It was all good.
But now I feel like I'm at avery, I'm at a pivotal point.
Is that the right word?
Maybe it's not a pivotal point.
I feel like I have stepped awayfrom that quote unquote twenties
mindset, and I'm ready to stepinto a new chapter in my life.
(27:00):
But going into a new chapteralso means I'm grieving the old
chapters, which is what I wasdoing in my twenties up until
now, early thirties.
So what I'm saying is that theborder is not so definitive of
like, at 30 you're gonna start anew chapter.
And for me it's like I'mapproaching 32, but I, I fully
(27:22):
feel like I'm starting a newchapter.
And that's exciting because Ihave.
Semi idea of what I want now butit's also freakishly scary
because there's so much unknownsand the things that made me feel
safe, like a, like job securityand having a partner, those are
no longer there anymore.
So I'm nervous.
(27:43):
And when it comes to a, aromantic relationship, I've,
I've said before that I havejumped from one partner to
another, and I really think Ineed to be single for a while.
I think that's going to bereally good for me.
But it is also scary becausethat in of itself is new.
So there's so many new thingshappening in my life and just
(28:05):
even being single, thatexperience is new and, and I'm
scared and.
So often, and then, what did Isay often?
I mean like the last 48 hours, Ikeep thinking like, Oh my God,
how do I get back out there?
Like, you know, like it's not,it's not a stressful thing, but
it's just, it just pops in myhead like, Oh, I, I should start
(28:27):
dating.
Oh, I should start doing this.
Oh, I should go out and startmeeting new people.
Let me, let me Google bestdating apps 2020 Reddit.
And then I'm like, Wait aminute, what am I doing?
Like, do I even wanna be dating?
Like, no, But it was, it's sucha, it's such a automatic
response because I'm so used tofilling the v i p room that I
(28:49):
have to consciously be like,Hold up.
You don't even wanna be datingright now.
Like, you just, automaticallythink you need to be dating
because that's what you do.
But I need to slow down and besingle for a while yet I can't
help it.
I can't help but think like, Oh,I wonder what my next person is
gonna be like, or, how am Igonna meet them?
(29:10):
And, and then I get scared whenI think about that because I'm
like, I don't know how to meet anew person.
Because all the other previouspeople were just always within
the circles of my life anyways.
And they just like leveled upinto v i p status.
But meeting a new person andlike, being on the dating scene,
I don't know what, what any ofthat is like.
(29:30):
So again, new and scary.
So being single new and scary.
And then when I am ready andwhen I do feel like it's
appropriate to date, again, thatis also going to be new and.
Angie (29:41):
So there's two points there.
The part where you're looking,you're like thinking about, oh,
like what's the best dating app?
Where, what is my, dating lifegonna look like?
What is out there?
Like, what are my opportunities?
Right.
I totally get it.
But also it's so similar to whenwe are, let's say for example,
you feel you've hit a wall atwork, and you're like, Okay, I
(30:02):
wonder.
Jobs are out there, What otheropportunities are out there
that's possible?
So you start looking throughLinkedIn, you start Googling
shit to see like, what if I wereto change jobs?
What kind of job could I gointo?
So you look, but you don'tactually make a move because
you're not actually ready for anew job.
(30:23):
You're just thinking, okay, wellif I'm no longer happy, then
what?
What can I do?
Right?
So it's, it is like plantingthose seeds.
So I totally like see theparallel between those two.
Kristy (30:36):
All the, all our poop troops who are like quiet
quitting are like, Yes, I dothat.
I do that.
Okay, so here's the thing.
Here's a tiny little bit of adifference, is that when we do
that, we are already in a jobmost of the time, right?
So you're like, and then you'rejust curious to see what is out
there, but you're not ready toleave your old job yet.
(30:57):
For me, I'm like unemployed andI'm looking and I'm, And then
you get, you know?
Angie (31:03):
You get more desperate
Kristy (31:05):
Yes, exactly, Exactly.
There's desperation.
Whereas if you're already in ajob, there's less desperation.
It's more of a curiosity.
Angie (31:13):
Yeah, so
Kristy (31:15):
And the parallel is that I am actually doing that because
I am jobless, I'm unemployed,
Angie (31:22):
you're living both.
the both parallels.
I mean, yeah, like when, whenwe're in jobs, it because it's
not, frowned.
Like it's not taboo to belooking at other jobs when you
have a job.
So we do it.
And when you're unemployed,you're more desperate because
you need money.
Like we need money to live.
but I do know some people whoquit their job took some time
(31:43):
off because they're like, Okay,I'm gonna cut back on my
expenses, cut back on mylifestyle, and I'm just gonna
take a few months to figure outwhat I wanna do.
And it's not common because alot of people maybe don't have
that privilege, but it's totallydoable.
And I think the same situationis for you, it's totally doable
for relationship wise as well,like taking a few months, you
(32:05):
can afford it.
Right now you're not.
you're not like, Oh, I need tohave babies by the time I'm 35.
You know, you don't have anylike, conditions that you must
fulfill now.
Whereas like if you're desperatefor a job, cause you're like, I
need to pay my fucking rent.
So I'm desperate for a job.
But you can afford it.
you can afford taking time onthat because you don't want kids
anyway.
(32:25):
And as you get older and peopleare more clear about what they
want, when you actually enterthe dating pool, you'll be able
to meet people who are on thesame page.
Kristy (32:34):
I fully agree and that's exactly what I wanna be doing
is, is taking that break.
It's just, I have to consciouslyremind myself like, Whoa, whoa,
whoa.
Like, hold up.
You need to take a break.
Cuz innately I'm like, Oh myGod, I need to, go back to
dating.
I need to like, you know, findmy partner now.
And, and then I'm like, No, likeslow down.
(32:57):
You need to take this break.
And, and like, so I think whatI'm trying to say is I have to
actively remind.
to calm the fuck down.
Angie (33:06):
Yes, and, and you should be, and you should take your
time.
Everything I said is logical,but again, emotions are not
logical.
So my advice is more, you know,for later as well.
but yeah, you need that rightnow to keep reminding yourself.
You need that time to processand that's where you're at.
And I think that's totallynormal and super healthy.
Kristy (33:26):
Thanks,
Angie (33:26):
Yeah.
I mean, I think everythingyou're doing is great and coming
from a very logical perspective.
I had a while ago I had read alot of articles about, being
together, Living Apart.
I think there's an acronym forit, but it's mostly for slightly
older people or people who havebeen through divorces or people
(33:52):
basically they go, I wanna liveon my own, but I don't want to
be single.
And there are people who are,There was a couple of examples
of, couples who are eitherlong-term partners or married,
but they don't live together,which is kind of an interesting
concept.
It's definitely very fringe andit's not mainstream, but I can
(34:12):
see where they're coming from.
I don't know if it's for me, butI can totally say why people
have made that choice.
I think a lot of it comes fromthe fact that as we get older,
we feel more secure aboutourselves and we feel more
secure by ourselves.
And if you have all thosesecurities checked off a list
that maybe you no longer seeliving with somebody as another
source of security, because the,I think the biggest, factor of
(34:37):
having a relationship, having ajob being such similar, like
approaches in life, like whatthe examples that we made about
how they're parallel.
It's not because a job is like apartner.
We're not getting paid to bewith somebody.
It's not transactional.
We, we we're not reducingrelationships down to a
(34:57):
transactional thing.
What it is, is that they bothgive us security
Kristy (35:03):
So I'm curious,, being together, living apart might not
be something that you want inyour life.
So what is it about living withyour partner that appeals to
you?
Angie (35:14):
It just feels like a family.
I've always, same thing as you,I just always wanted my own
family, and in the past I sawthat family as like kids, but
now I'm like, okay.
I still feel like we're afamily, especially since we have
a dog and we call her the babyLike literally like if one of us
(35:35):
is at work, like working at theoffice, we'll like message the
other person.
How's the baby doing?
And then I'll, Or like one timeI'm, I was like at the grocery
store and I'm like, Oh, what'sthe baby doing?
And and Nick was like, Oh, she'sasleep.
I was like, Oh, good baby And Iwas like, I was like, Can you
send me a photo of her?
Cuz she always looks so cutewhen she's sleeping.
(35:57):
And this was like when we firsthad her, so I'm pretty sure if
people overheard me talking onthe phone, they would legit
think I was talking about like ahuman baby.
But no, I was talking about ourdog So
Kristy (36:10):
pets are the new babies after all right,
Angie (36:12):
Exactly.
And they, and ever since having,like Evie and raising her
together, Yeah, it feels like afamily.
And I think living togethergives me that sense of security
in that I have a family andthat's why I would choose to
live with a.
Kristy (36:27):
me too.
That's exactly why.
Yeah.
Angie (36:31):
Yeah.
And if that's something youwant, yes.
You will have to learn tocompromise I think I said that
to you other day.
I was like, Ugh.
Remember when you used to comeover and we would do podcast
stuff together and every timeyou entered I would like make
sure everything was like alittle bit cleaned up, like no
clutter.
I would like put my diffuser onand it would smell so nice that
you would come over and it waslike an oasis.
And we like put the kettle on,make some tea.
(36:53):
It was like, great.
And now I, every time I walkinto the apartment I'm like,
Ugh, so messy.
And it's not, And I'm notblaming Nick.
It's both of us because I'mliving here with somebody else.
I have less free time and I haveless like idleness.
(37:13):
There are.
What is that?
I don't know.
There's less idleness, Is that aword?
Kristy (37:18):
Yeah,
Angie (37:19):
less idle.
Yeah.
So because of that, I'm notreally like cleaning.
If I get bored, like before Iwould be like, Oh, let me tidy
up here, clean here.
Oh, it would look so pretty now.
I feel so calm right now.
Like the whole place is kind ofchaotic because life is kind of
chaotic.
so I'm just like, Yolo,whatever, and it, it's a
compromise.
And there'll be days where I'mlike, I really miss what my
(37:43):
apartment used to look like andwhat it used to feel like.
But that's the compromise thatI'm making and it's daily.
It's not like I made thecompromise when he first moved
in, when we first started livingtogether, when we first got
Evie, which coincided, but Imade the, I made the decision to
be like, Okay, I'm gonnasacrifice some things.
I'm gonna make a compromise.
(38:04):
But it's still like, sometimesit's still a.
Not every day, but it'll be likemoments here and there where I
have to remind myself there wasa reason why I chose this
Kristy (38:18):
I chose this, I chose this
Angie (38:20):
Yes, I chose this.
I wanted this.
Kristy (38:24):
Oh man.
I feel like so many of our pooptroops could relate, whether
it's cohabiting with someone orhaving actual kids or, you know,
having pets that are basicallyyour kids.
And I feel like I'm, I'mdefinitely not there yet.
I'm, I'm trying to get to thepoint where I can have my own
(38:44):
apartment and, you know, createmy own oasis before I even.
Start learning how to cohabitwith someone.
But I feel like some of thatwork in, in letting go of the
independence will be veryhelpful and start doing that
now.
I don't know how, but startdoing that now so that when I am
(39:05):
ready to cohabit with someone,I'm not saying I'm not gonna go
through the same frustrations.
I probably would feel even morefrustrated
Angie (39:12):
Well, I don't know about that because I think you are
more patient than am.
Kristy (39:17):
I dunno, man that's very nice of you, but I don't think
I'm patient.
yeah, I think trying to, atleast right now I recognize I
may be overly independent andI'm gonna have to figure out how
to unlearn that so that when Iam ready to cohabit with
someone, hopefully that it wouldmake things easier or at least
(39:41):
baseline.
Angie (39:42):
You would have a baseline?
I don't know if it would makethings easier.
I think if anything it wouldmake any, something harder
because let's say you're livingat home with your mom and then
you end up in a long-termrelationship, you decide to move
in with them.
It's probably an upgrade in somesense because you, you'll still
be able to be independent and atthat point, like, I don't know,
(40:04):
I just, obviously it's alwaysnice to live with someone that's
not your mom.
That's, I think that'suniversal.
It's not because we don't lovethem, it's, it's universal.
Like we need to be independentfrom them and, Yeah.
So whereas like if you, I'm notsaying don't do it, I'm just
saying be prepared if you live.
(40:25):
By yourself for a while.
You're gonna start to havecertain standards and have
certain ways of doing things,and you decide to move in with
somebody that's, you're gonnaneed a whole new system.
I know, I know.
It's horrifying to think about,
Kristy (40:38):
it's
Angie (40:39):
it when I think about like the baseline happiness and
happiness, like it's not likethe content and the fulfillment,
like feeling stable and notfeeling like there's a hole in
your life.
Not that I'm saying one personwill fill all that hole, but I
think they provide some sort ofa base like foundation.
(41:00):
At least for me, it feels like,okay, there's this one thing
that's very solid in my life.
Then when other things aren'tso.
I don't feel like my life isfalling apart.
Like if a job's not going wellor if a drama happens with
family or friends kind of thing.
That's why they say, Oh, like myblah blah, blah is my rock.
(41:20):
because it does provide thatsense of security.
So in the end, I wanna say it'sworth it right now because I
just heard him put away dishes.
But maybe when the kitchen's amess.
I won't say this, anything.
So it fluctuates.
It does fluctuate, but you know,in, in summary, that's like as
(41:44):
long as it's a net positive,nothing is all good or all bet
net positive is what I look for.
So yeah, there's a lot of microfrustrations.
Let's, let's talk about thatmicro
Kristy (41:58):
I feel like when I get there, that's gonna be another,
a new episode topic for us.
When I'm in
Angie (42:04):
new chapter as well.
Yeah.
And that's something like, it'sscary to think about, but it's
also exciting as well, cuz it'llbe another new chapter in your
life when it does happen.
And right now you get to focuson this chapter, which is great.
Not to say that you won't haveall these other anxieties.
Like maybe when you woke up, andyou felt this knot in your
stomach and you were like, Ah.
Like I don't know what's gonnahappen.
(42:25):
And that anxiety just comes fromthe fact that you're like, Okay,
well what's my rock right now?
Cause like you said, you'reunemployed and you're unmarried
Kristy (42:37):
I'm single and I'm unemployed.
I
Angie (42:42):
and you're homeless, you're squatting in somebody
else's house,
Kristy (42:47):
I am, I am.
This is literally like thebeginning of a romcom chick
flick,
Angie (42:53):
yes.
Be your own main character.
Yes.
This is totally be your ownchick, and that's the best part
of a new chapter.
It totally feels like a romcom.
You are now the main characterof this new movie, and you
should have all the funpossible.
Kristy (43:11):
In summary, I am homeless single, and I have no
job.
And it's very scary, but kind ofexciting and I feel like this is
the new chapter of my life.
Angie (43:22):
I feel like we should pop some champagne.
Why not?
Right?
Like we should start celebratingchange rather than like, Of
course there's grief.
Of course there's anxiety andthere's all that stuff, but it
shouldn't just be onedimensional, It shouldn't be
just all sad.
We're all grief, we're allupsetting.
There should also becelebrations of other good
(43:42):
things like, you know, there's,there's such thing as toxic,
toxic positivity.
There's also toxic negativity.
So we just need to find a goodbalance.
So yes, next time I see you,let's pop some bubbly
Kristy (43:55):
Oh my gosh.
I'm very excited cuz you know, Ilove bubblies.
are my favorite.
Yeah.
And I feel like this episodethere's a lot more positivity
than I had anticipated before weeven started recording.
And I think this in of itself isan example of how.
It's not one or the other.
(44:16):
You know, it's, Yes, I've justbroken up with someone that is,
is, very near and dear and it isvery sad.
It is a very sad, grievingmoment.
But at the same time, I can alsobe excited and I can also talk
about popping champagne becauseit's never one dimensional.
(44:37):
It's very complicated and lifeis complicated and it's messy.
And so there's gonna be grief,but there's also gonna be
excitement.
And sometimes that can happen atthe same time.
They don't always happen at thesame time.
But sometimes it can.
And sometimes you can allowyourself to feel all range of
feelings and, and emotions.
And that's, In fact, it'sprobably a good thing.
Angie (44:59):
I think it's a good thing to recognize that.
Yeah.
And you're, you're gonna havedays where you feel really down
and have moments where the grieftakes over and it's.
More grief and anxiety than theother emotions.
But I think recognizing thatthat's okay and that and that
when you do feel good emotionsand that's okay as well.
(45:19):
Like there's no guilt or shamein feeling either of those.
It's very healthy and mature andI'm happy to see it.
And I'm happy that you're doingokay.
Kristy (45:31):
For a single homeless jobless person.
Angie (45:36):
Yes.
Yes.
This is a good example that youdon't need all these things to
be okay.
Kristy (45:41):
Because I have good friends.
Angie (45:44):
You have good friends.
I mean, obviously we we'rejoking about the homelessness.
is taking a light on a veryserious situation.
obviously Kristy does have aplace to live, so it's still a
privilege.
Kristy (45:59):
Yeah, I think that's it.
Angie (46:01):
How do you feel?
Kristy (46:02):
That was definitely a lot more like happy go lucky
than I expected.
Angie (46:06):
In a good way or in a bad way?
Kristy (46:08):
In a good way.
Yeah.
Angie (46:10):
Because I also don't wanna take away from your grief
either.
I don't want it to be like, Oh,it should, it should all be
happy rainbows.
Happy rainbows,
Kristy (46:22):
what are
Angie (46:22):
have emotions.
shouldn't be all happy rainbowsand joyful unicorns.
of course.
Yeah.
So I hope I didn't take awayfrom your grief.
Kristy (46:35):
No, I think it just, it reminds me that I can feel all
sorts of things while goingthrough this grief, while trying
to process that, Oh, this personis no longer in my life.
I think one of the hardest partabout the breakup is trying to
preserve and respect thememories of that relationship
(46:57):
that we had because it was justso good and I don't wanna, I
don't want to forget it and Idon't want to reduce it, you
know, I just, I wanna put itinto a little box and tie it
with a pretty bow and like putit in the back of the closet
with all of the joy and the hurtand the pain and the happiness
(47:20):
that came with it, and, I don'twant to reduce it to just like a
small handful of memoriesbecause that would be really
sad.
Angie (47:29):
why don't you do that?
Like physically get a box, putparts of the relationship that
remind you of these moments andwrap it in a pretty bow, if that
helps your grieving process.
Why not?
It might sound a bit cliche orromcom heavy, but again, you're
(47:51):
now the main star of your ownromcom.
You do whatever you want.
Kristy (47:55):
That does sound nice.
Angie (47:56):
I think so
Kristy (47:57):
Okay, I'll do that.
Angie (47:58):
If that's something that's crossed your mind like,
Oh, I want to put it into thislittle box, it would be really
nice.
Kristy (48:04):
I meant metaphorically, but
Angie (48:08):
metaphorically sometimes when you act out metaphors, it's
nice.
It's like, when, what happened,what did I do?
I mean, you don't have to do it.
Well, my first boyfriend, inhigh school, I was like in grade
10, grade 11, and when we brokeup, I was really upset.
So I took these like loveletters that he had written to
me, and I'm like, I'm gonna burnthem.
(48:29):
I'm like, No, that's, there'stoo much rage in burning them.
I don't wanna burn them.
So I'm like, Okay, I'll likethrow them into a fountain.
Throw into the fountain.
And it got all soggy I'm like,Wait a minute, now it's garbage.
Now I so had this idea of how rolike how romantic in the sense
(48:53):
of like a movie, how very like,you know, it would like be like
sensing it, like floating awayin the fountain just got like
soaked and looked really grossand I was like, Okay, I'll just
away.
Kristy (49:06):
the scene that doesn't show up on movies where the,
where the person has to go andlike fish out these like wet,
soggy pieces of paper from thefountain and actually dispose of
them properly.
Angie (49:17):
Yeah.
So that was my experience when Itried to do something romantic,
I was like, Oh, It's not a goodidea.
Kristy (49:28):
Okay.
But the actual Yeah, the boxthing.
Yeah.
I'm literally thinking about,have you seen to all the boys
I've ever loved,
Angie (49:35):
Yes,
Kristy (49:36):
you know that hat box where she kept all the letters?
So it's not gonna be that box,but like that's what I'm
picturing right now
Angie (49:43):
Yeah, it's very cute.
Yeah, I think so too.
Yeah.
Kristy (49:50):
Healing.
Okay.
Angie (49:52):
I don't know how to end this
Kristy (49:54):
I don't know either and maybe it's not like because it
isn't an end.
This whole story that we talkedabout today is more of a
beginning,
Angie (50:02):
That's right, that's true.
Kristy (50:03):
so I think we'll just leave it at that until.
Until the next episode of ourshit.
Where we see where, where elselife will take us.
Angie (50:12):
Thanks for listening to this episode.
Kristy (50:15):
Okay.
Bye.
Angie (50:16):
Bye.
Kristy (50:47):
We're having hot pot tomorrow at my house.
and I think, I guess like littlethings like that I'm a semi
nervous for because, since westarted having family dinner
with my, with my grandma andlike that side of the family,
Mr.
Lobster had always been there,
Angie (51:04):
Oh
Kristy (51:05):
so it was like he was there before my family was
there, you know?
And so every family dinner, hewas always there.
And this is gonna be the firstfamily dinner where he's not
there.
And that's weird.
They're gonna ask questions,
Angie (51:18):
oh, no.
Kristy (51:20):
be the Yeah.
Especially my aunt who was thetypical Chinese
Angie (51:26):
Okay, let's rehearse.
What are you gonna say?
Kristy (51:28):
Oh God.
I don't, I'm
Angie (51:30):
say like, he had to spend Thanksgiving dinner with his
family?
Kristy (51:36):
no, I'm just gonna tell them like, we broke up.
And they'll be like, Why?
And they'll be, We grew apart.
Angie (51:41):
Mm.
Okay.
Kristy (51:42):
That's, that's my plan.
And then just leave it at atthat.
Angie (51:45):
Okay.
Kristy (51:46):
Yeah.
Angie (51:47):
ask, just be like, I don't wanna talk about it.
It's very recent.
Kristy (51:50):
I don't know how to
Angie (51:51):
Huh?
Kristy (51:52):
in Chinese
Angie (51:54):
Yeah.
Don't watch me anymore.
Mo.
I don't know.
Yeah,
Kristy (52:00):
That's so like angry teenager
Angie (52:03):
I know I'm joking, but that, but you know, those are
the words that we know.
Kristy (52:07):
Exactly.
And that's like probably how Irespond, which is why my mom
thinks I'm just some angryteenager all the
Angie (52:13):
Yeah, mom.
It's not that I'm an angryteenager.
I have the vocabulary of ateenager.
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