November 6, 2022 • 49 mins
Vincci Tsui, a mother of a three-year-old, balances her parenting knowledge from how she was raised with what she believes to be best for her daughter. We discuss what we’ve learned from our parents and what has been taught to us from living in a western society. Which teachings to adopt and which to unlearn? What fears do we have as new parents?
“This is something that's new for so many people, like not just from a cultural perspective or generational perspective […] we're not alone and we're probably not going to scar our kids for life if we're doing the best that we can.” - Vincci Tsui
Resources & Mentions:
- Vincci Tsui (Website & Instagram)
- How Co-regulation with Parents Develops into Self-Regulation in Children (Article)
- Your Brain's 3 Emotion Regulation Systems (Article)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Vincci (00:00):
it's funny that you're kind of like, you don't need to
(00:01):
go to therapy.
Like you can just look on theinternet.
And I was like, Or you couldjust listen to this podcast,
Kristy (00:31):
welcome back to another episode of Shit We Don't Tell
Mom.
This is Christy.
Angie (00:35):
this is Angie.
Kristy (00:36):
We have Vincci Tsui who's joining us today, and she
is a 1.5 generation Hong KongChinese Canadian, who's living
in Calgary.
She's mostly known for her workas a dietician and certified
intuitive eating counselor.
I am a secretly not so secret,big fan of her work.
I've been following her stufffor like years, so I'm kind of
(00:57):
basically fangirling right now.
But I'm gonna put that asidebecause today we're gonna be
talking about breaking thegenerational cycle of Asian
parenting.
So welcome to the Chauvin.
Vincci (01:10):
Thank you so much for having me, You summarized so
Well, and now I'm like blushingcuz I didn't realize this was a
fangirl moment.
This wasn't part of the agreedupon introduction.
Kristy (01:23):
This whole time when we've been like emailing each
other, I keep telling Angie toto do the emailing because I'm
like, I'm gonna freak out.
I'm gonna like get all fan girlyand like weird about things.
So please candle all thecommunications, and I just lurk
in the background.
But anyways, welcome, welcome.
Vincci (01:46):
Yeah.
Thanks so much for having me.
Angie (01:47):
Yeah, Christie's really good at that.
She's always the summarizer ofour episodes,
Vincci (01:52):
it's a, it's a motivational interviewing skill.
Angie (01:58):
Oh really?
I had no idea.
Oh my
Vincci (02:01):
Yeah.
It's a, it's a counseling skill.
Yeah.
Kristy (02:04):
The secrets have.
Vincci (02:08):
Well, and it's funny because like speaking of
counseling skills, like it'sreally something that I've had
to learn as a dietitian.
Like it wasn't something thatcame naturally to me.
and I have found that, yeah,like sometimes, not all the
time, sometimes leaning on thoseskills, like in parenting has
been super helpful.
(02:28):
I have a three year olddaughter.
Her name is Cassia.
Angie (02:32):
Cass?
Yeah.
That's so cute.
That's a good name.
Vincci (02:35):
I actually used to babysit someone with that name.
but, what I like about it isit's like unique, but it's not
something that you can'tpronounce.
Like my name,
Kristy (02:49):
Okay.
I think that is like very greatof you to consider because
growing up, I didn't grow upwith the name Christie.
I grew up with my Chinese name,which is Winan.
And that was always something Ithought about.
I'm like, when I have kids, whenI was younger, I wanted kids.
Now not so much, but when I wasyounger, I'm like, Oh my gosh.
(03:12):
I think about what their namesare gonna be.
I think about their birthdays,like, are they gonna fall into
the school year so that they getcelebrated during school?
My birthday's very close toHalloween and I hated it because
I always get overshadowed byHalloween
Vincci (03:26):
Part of Cass's name too, like, so Cassia is actually
like, a plant and that they useit as like a substitute for
cinnamon.
So I think like, technically,like most of the cinnamon that
we get in stores is not actuallycinnamon.
It's like it is cassia.
So, yeah.
So that's part of it too.
Angie (03:44):
I think that's, That's Chinese cinnamon,
Vincci (03:48):
Mm, mm-hmm.
sort of.
And, and so part of the meaningthere too, I was like, Well, if
you want to know the origin ofCass's name.
so yeah, so Cassia like inChinese, it's, Y White or that's
Cantonese.
And so the word white is also acharacter that's in my dad's
name and in my husband.
(04:08):
So my husband, his dad isChinese and his mom is
Caucasian.
So his dad's name like, also hasthe word tree in it.
So I thought it was also likekind of a connection there,
which is part of the reason whyI chose Cassia.
Yeah,
Kristy (04:22):
This is so poetic,
Angie (04:24):
Yeah.
I love it.
Kristy (04:25):
there's so many layers and meaning to this.
I'm just like floored.
Here.
I am thinking about like allthese superficial things.
Angie (04:34):
Like birthday parties and
Kristy (04:36):
Yeah.
Angie (04:37):
No, I love that.
That's, that's really meaningfuland I like that you.
are integrating like all theheritage from your family and
putting it into your daughterbecause you know she's a result
of all of that.
Vincci (04:50):
Cassia does have a Chinese name and my parents hate
it.
So when it first came to namingCassia, like giving her, Well,
I, well, obviously, I asked myparents like, Do you have any
ideas for Chinese names?
And they were like, Well, what'sher English name going to be
like, We'll, just find a name.
That sounds like it.
Because that's almost like thebackward process of how they
(05:12):
figured out Vinci was like, Theyhad my Chinese name first, which
is Wing Z.
And then they like just mashedsome letters together that
sounded like that, like in theirhead.
And that's how it worked for allmy siblings names as well.
And I was like, No, you are notgoing to like just come up with
a Chinese name that sounds likeher English name.
Like that is not gonna be good.
So I ended up coming up with herChinese name, which is, seeing y
(05:36):
which like scene meanscompassionate and yang means
brave.
and my parents hate it, I thinkbecause y sort of codes male and
it's also in, or like, it's anolder like generation name.
yeah, they hate it.
It's so funny.
they refuse to call her aChinese name.
They just call her Cass
Kristy (05:59):
I love, I love that.
And I love that you named yourdaughter yourself.
Vincci (06:03):
Yeah, it's, it's not as common in Chinese, but like what
is so wild to me though, likespeaking of like Chinese names,
is that I'm part of like a bunchof like Cantonese, like Facebook
groups, cuz I'm dorky like that.
And there are so many people inthose groups who are like, I'm
trying to name my kid, like,help me come up with names with
(06:25):
my kid.
I was like, why would yououtsource that to a Facebook
group?
every time I have like astandard reply that's like, Talk
to your family.
Even though like, in myexperience, my family was
completely unhelpful,
Kristy (06:39):
okay.
Side note, I am also part ofthese catches.
I'm, I might not be in the sameone as yours because I haven't
seen these.
I'm in some like, extra nicheone cuz my family is from, from
the village, or,
Vincci (06:55):
from the village.
Kristy (06:56):
Going back to your family and your parents growing
up, what was, what was yourrelationship like with them?
Vincci (07:03):
I mean, so I think like part of The reason why I pitched
this episode was because likelistening to your guys'
interview on, what kind of Asianare you?
And you're both like, we bothhave complicated relationship
with our moms.
And I was like, Me too, My,Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I, I would describe it ascomplicated and, my dad, like,
(07:26):
he still has his company in HongKong.
Like, so growing up, likethroughout my entire life, he's
always just kind of flown backand forth between Calgary and
Hong Kong.
even right now, like with thePandemic, I haven't seen him for
almost three years and like inperson and he's finally coming
back, next month, like, whichis, which was like, yeah.
(07:51):
The best news ever.
But, so yeah, so I, I would saylike my relationship with my
parents was never super close.
The interesting thing was alwaysthat like, I never knew whether
this was like an Asian thing orwhether this was like a, like my
family thing because, My family,especially my mom's side.
(08:11):
We have a good ha like a goodnumber of cousins.
I'm like trying to count in myhead like how many of us there
are.
I think there are six of us.
I'm like trying to do the mathreally fast so that I, I'm not
like missing anyone.
Yeah.
So I think there are six of uson my mom's side of the family,
like as cousins.
And so like, you know, like whenwe would have family dinners,
(08:32):
like as cousins, we would alwaysjust kind of like, you know,
talk about family gossip and itwas always just kind of like,
okay, like is this justsomething that's like our family
or is this like, you know, likean Asian thing?
and I would never know so.
Yeah, so like, I guess to goback to answering your question,
(08:53):
I think we, you sort of seestuff, especially I would say
like more in Western mediawhere, you know, people say
like, My mom is my best friend,or I can tell my mom anything.
And like, that is not the kindof relationship that I have with
my mom at all.
Kristy (09:13):
I think especially because, you know, we're kids,
we don't like talk about ourfamilies to our friends.
And I think it's great that, youknow, you had your cousins to at
least bond over this and waslike, Is this, is this just our
family that's messed up?
Like, is it, why are we sodysfunctional?
Like it can't be Maybe it's justus.
Cause then the representationthat we see would be like things
(09:34):
in the media or things, youknow, on TV shows, blah, blah,
blah.
And, and I don't know about you,but I could never relate.
You know, I just didn't get it.
And the, the whole best friendthing, that was not something I
thought that was the mostfringiest thing.
Every time I see it on tv, like,you know, the mom and the
daughters would link arms andskip along in the mall with
(09:56):
their shopping bags and theyhave like a spa day.
And I'm like, what the, thatsounds no.
Why would you want us do that?
Why would mom even agree tothat?
Like it would be horrible.
All she'll talk about is likehow expensive the thing is or
you know, have some sort of acritique on the clothing
(10:17):
choices, whatever.
And I, for me, I felt like itwasn't until like the age of the
internet and memes and Instagramwhere I start seeing other
people post things that I'mlike, Hey, that I relate to that
talking about, and we'll getstereotypical here like the
tiger mom trope, right?
Vincci (10:38):
Mm-hmm.
Angie (10:38):
I think Asian traits was one of those, viral thing that
kind of started the, a lot ofthis movement.
Like, I remember looking at it,I'm like, How come we've never
had anything like this before?
Like I think that was why it wasso magical.
It wasn't just like, it wasn'tjust Australia, cuz it started
in Australia, but it wasn't justin Australia.
(10:59):
It like came over here.
It was so prolific around theworld because it was something
we never had and that's why itwas so popular.
And
Vincci (11:05):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Angie (11:06):
were so many offshoots from that.
I actually have a really funnystory so I had a friend from
high school.
She is like third generationChinese.
her mom is very whitewashed, soI remember like going to their
house, having dinner.
but it was kind of cool becauseher mom will like, serve the
soup at the beginning.
You know, like the Chinese, likemedicinal soup.
Some of the dishes will be like,like beef pasta, like beef
(11:29):
ballies kind of thing.
But And I was like, this is sostrange.
Like, but I love it.
don't call me Mrs.
Won.
Call me Irene.
So she was the first like adultlevel authority figure that I
had ever called by first name.
And it was just like such aweird feeling.
And one time I was out with mymom grocery shopping, and we
(11:50):
bumped into Irene and she waslike, Angie, how are you?
And like, she comes over to mewith like her arms.
So of course I give her a hugand like I'm like, Oh, this is
my mom, a mom, this is like myfriend's mom, blah, blah, blah.
And then she leaves and my mom'slike, She didn't say at the
time, but she brought it up atanother time.
Later on she was tellingsomebody else about how horrible
(12:11):
I am because I don't hug her.
She's like, She will hug otherpeople's moms, but she won't hug
her own mom.
I still can't hug like I'm now31.
And I, and that happened when Iwas like 16 It's been like 15
years that I still cannot hug mymom, and I don't know what it
is.
So my mom, she's from China.
(12:33):
She grew up in China.
She immigrated here and I camehere when I was nine years old
and she actually went into earlychildhood education.
So because of that, she was ableto learn a lot of like the
western way of.
Being with children and raisingchildren, stuff like that.
So she became a lot more openminded, a a lot more like,
(12:53):
perceptive to the Western ways.
And she's adopted some of thoseways.
Like she wants to hug me, but Itold her like,
Kristy (13:01):
That's what she adopted.
That's the takeaway.
Your mom really wants to hugyou, which is
Angie (13:07):
okay, now I still, I give her hugs sometimes, like,
depending on the context, butit's not like an everyday thing,
you know what I mean?
and my justification is that wegrew up not hugging.
Like I have never hugged you asa child and for me to hug you as
like an adult.
It's just so weird.
Like, it, it, it's, it's a weirdfeeling.
Kristy (13:27):
And Vin, do you hug your mom?
Vincci (13:29):
I didn't growing up either, but I would say like in
later years, and I think itstarted more with my dad, like,
you know, like dropping him offat the airport or like picking
him up at the airport, like wewould hug and stuff and like,
but it didn't start until, Idon't know, like we were
teenagers or possibly adults,like, and so yeah, like it, it
(13:51):
was definitely something thathappened later on in life, and
not when we were kids.
Kristy (13:59):
Okay.
I'm gonna just insert somethinghere because like we're talking
about these stories, you know,from, from when we were younger,
so it seems like it's sodistant, but just a few days
ago.
My mom was telling me about herfriend and her friend's son.
Okay.
And how he would hug his momevery day, every time they see
(14:25):
each other, they would hug andhe would say, I love you, mom,
and hug her.
And every time he has a bad dayat work, he would rant to her
and talk to her about it.
Cuz she's like, I can't, I haveto put on this front because I
see clients, but sometimes it'sjust so frustrating.
And he will just, you know, gohome with his mom.
(14:48):
and and I, and, and I'm like,Okay, well why are you telling
me this story, Mom?
Like, what are you implying
Angie (14:58):
oh, yeah, she's definitely imp pawing something.
She's definitely like, Youshould be hugging me every day.
Or like, I want you to hug meevery day.
But it's weird, right?
Like it, imagine having to hugyour mom every single day when
you haven't done so in like 30something years.
Kristy (15:14):
I'm like, I love the story.
I feel so happy for your friend,and I'm so happy for the sun.
Like, Like good on them.
It sounds like they have a greatrelationship.
Yay.
Let's move on.
Angie (15:26):
Vici?
Do you hug your daughter
Vincci (15:28):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy (15:32):
look at that.
We're already breaking thegenerational cycle.
Angie (15:35):
Yeah,
Kristy (15:42):
I'm curious to know, do you talk to your parents about
parent.
Vincci (15:47):
Not really.
So we actually had my daughterin daycare like kind of leading
up to the pandemic, which wasvery rare because she wasn't
even one years old then.
But, you know, since I'm, sinceI'm like, I'm self-employed, I
just kind of took a shortermaternity leave and, and
started, going back to workbefore the whole year and, So
(16:10):
the pandemic started and wepulled her out of childcare.
And, the arrangement that wekind of had was that like my
in-laws would watch her for afew days a week, and then my mom
would also watch her for a fewdays a week.
And I was actually, like nervousabout having my mom watch her
because I was like, Ugh.
Like, is she going to likeinstill stuff that I don't
(16:33):
necessarily believe in or, yeah.
So you like, now that I'm sayingit out loud, it's almost kind of
embarrassing, but I think likeeven thinking about the way.
I was parented and, and some ofthe ways that I don't
necessarily want to repeat that.
so no, like I feel like it takesa lot for me to tell, my mom,
(16:59):
something like, last night even,since my daughter like kind of
goes to her house once a week, Iwas just like, Hey, like, just
wanted to give you a heads up.
Cassie has a bladder infectionright now.
And like her first response waslike, how did she get a bladder
infection?
And it was just like, Oh my God.
Like, I have no idea.
(17:20):
You know,
Kristy (17:21):
you can feel the like, I can feel the blame already like,
Vincci (17:25):
So to answer your question, like, that was a very
long, way, long, roundabout way.
So you can edit it if you wantfor me to say like, No, I don't
really talk about, Yeah.
Talk with my parents aboutparenting.
because I, I don't know if Inecessarily agree with the way
that they parent.
Kristy (17:44):
Yep.
And I relate to that because Iwould also be nervous to, if I
were to have a kid, I would feeluncomfortable leaving my kid
with my mom in the same roomwhile I'm not there.
Because I'm afraid that there'sgonna be like old school
thinking or old schoolmentalities, and teachings that
(18:07):
might come out from her.
And then I'm not there to, youknow, negate that or put a
boundary to it.
I can come up with a few thingsin my own, like head for what my
mom could say, but I'm curiousto know, what are some of the
things that you're afraid yourmom might say to
Vincci (18:23):
I don't, Yeah, like, I'm trying to think of, I think it
was, I think at the time it waslike probably stuff around food,
like being a dietician.
Like, you know, like is shegoing to like force her to eat
all her food, like even if sheisn't hungry or something like
that.
And it's funny because I thinkit's.
(18:47):
I think it's been moreinfluenced sort of by my
in-laws.
You know, like my in-laws willlike drop her off from watching
her and be like, Oh, you know,today at lunch, like Cassia
said, Oh, I'm not gonna eatthis.
Like, I want something that'shealthy.
And I'm like, Oh my gosh.
Like where, where did she getthis like, healthy, unhealthy
(19:08):
messaging from?
But a again, like, you know, andI don't know if it's something
that comes from my in-laws or Idon't know if it's something
that like came from like aYouTube video that she watched
or whatever, or, or, or likeonce I think I.
Ate something or finishedsomething and Cassia said, Good
(19:29):
girl.
Or like, but the way she saysgirl is like guru, So she's
like, Good guru mama, you likedid this.
And I'm like, Oh my gosh.
Like it, you know, likefinishing your food.
Like, you know, like I shouldn'tbe complimenting you for like
finishing your meal and stuff,but like, that's kind of
something that she's alreadypicked up on.
And it's hard because like sinceshe's so young, like I think
it's easy to like laugh it offand be like, Oh, you know, she's
(19:54):
a little kid.
Like, but yeah.
so I don't think it's just myparents, but I think it's
probably just like a lot of likesocietal beliefs in, in general,
and I think like, going back tomaybe like what I might have
been worried about, it mighthave been like expectations
around like certain behavior andstuff like that.
(20:15):
So, Yeah, but it, but I don'tknow.
I think in general it's beenfine.
Like people grandparentdifferently than they parent
Kristy (20:24):
Yeah,
Vincci (20:25):
and also and also my sister still lives at home and
like, she's currently gettingher degree in education.
So like, you know, like I knowshe's kind of there too.
but, yeah, so I, I don't know,like I, so I would say like in
general, my fears have beenunfounded.
(20:45):
and you know, and that Cassiehas sometimes picked up on some
of the stuff I don't agree withfrom other places too.
mm-hmm.
Angie (20:56):
I think that's very interesting.
and I, there's this, phrase thatmy mom taught me in Chinese and
the English translation isessentially, if you raise your
children right, then you canspoil your grandchildren.
If you spoiled your children,then you have to raise your
(21:18):
grandchildren.
Vincci (21:21):
Oh,
Angie (21:23):
So there's definitely a lot of, you know, parenting
methods that we would agree withfrom our parents.
And I think that might be commonuniversally, I want to say, I
think.
Vincci (21:34):
mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Angie (21:36):
just so prolific for our culture and there are a lot of
things we don't agree with.
Not just in terms of like theera, but also just in terms of
culture as well.
Cuz we are so much moreintegrated into like Western
society than they are.
But I think maybe not a but, butmaybe as a third party it's
(21:57):
always easier to see the goodstuff when you're outside.
It's like, it sounds like you'redoing so much for your daughter.
Like you're, you're, you'rereally considerate of her
future.
You wanna make sure that she'seating right, et cetera.
And maybe that's also a littlebit of a reflection of your
parents as well.
I like to think that if you havecome out as a really good
(22:20):
person, you can attribute someof that to your parents as well.
not always, not always.
There's definitely, exceptionsout there, but.
Yeah, so I just wanna say likeit's, I mean, as a third person,
it's definitely easier for me tosay than to, to actually know
what's going on.
Vincci (22:40):
Yeah, and I, and I wouldn't say that I have a bad
relationship with my parents atall.
Like I, Yeah, no, like, that'snot how I would describe it.
But I would say that it'sprobably like more distant than
what other people's with theirparents might be like.
Like, like I said earlier, likeI wouldn't call my mom like my
(23:02):
best friend or, I don't think myparents are necessarily the
first ones that I would tell,like certain things.
and other things, they are thefirst ones like, I think they
were like the first ones to knowthat I was pregnant, but like,
but yeah, so like, but I wouldsay, yeah, it's, it's not as, I
don't know, like intimate orclose, as some other people
(23:26):
might have.
and like, I think.
That is also very common amongstlike other Asian people.
Kristy (24:27):
Yeah.
Speaking of that and alluding tothe memes that I was talking
about earlier, Vici, you hadsent us an Instagram post, and
I'm gonna try my best todescribe the post to our
listeners cause we're so good atdoing this.
Okay, So, this sketch, thisdoodle is from Sketchy car.
(24:49):
We'll link it in the show notesbelow.
So the first half of the sketchis titled What Asian Parents
Want for Their Kids.
And the Laundry list issomething that we are very
familiar with, is to marry,quote unquote, Well go to
university, have job security,have a great house, money, lots
of money, kids of course, andthen bracket happiness.
(25:15):
Now, on the other side of thedoodle is titled What Asian Kids
Want from their Parents.
Which is validation,acknowledgement of our traumas.
Positive reinforcement to hearare the words.
I love you to hear the words.
I'm proud of you being acceptedand of course having red packets
for the rest of our lives.
(25:36):
Just keep that red envelopescoming.
So Vinci, you sent us thisillustration.
I feel like there's, there'ssome deeper stories behind it.
What, what are some of yourthoughts and yeah, what got you
sharing this with.
Vincci (25:52):
Well, what was interesting to me about that is
that like, you know, like thecomments on it, like so many
people are like, I relate orwhatever.
And it's tricky be that like shedid add that line about like the
red packets because like whatends up, I think what ended up
happening in the comments toowas that people would be like,
(26:12):
Oh yeah, like the red packets orwhatever.
even, and not necessarilyacknowledging like all these
other things.
And like to me it's kind oflike, okay, like yes, like we as
Asian kids like want this fromour Asian parents.
So when we become parents, likewouldn't we want to give those
(26:36):
things to our kids, If thatmakes sense.
and I see a lot of parents.
Like when I look at it, I'mlike, yeah, like wouldn't you
want to give those things toyour kids?
Like, wouldn't you want yourkids to feel validated or to say
I love you to them or whatever.
and, and, and then, and so I'mjust kind of like, like why does
(27:01):
this sort of continue that welike that we have like
generations on, generations likestill relating to these memes.
And I think there's also like,There's also like other people
who are in our generation whomight feel like, well, like this
(27:23):
is what I have to be as an Asianparent.
Or like this, like, I turned outfine.
So like this, this should workfor our kids too.
And like the example that I haveis that recently, in one of the
groups that I'm in there, likesomeone had posted like a video
and like full disclosure, I wasactually part of like this
(27:46):
YouTube channel earlier on andI, and I left it like for just
cuz I was like, busy.
But anyway, it's, it's likebasically like a Cantonese talk
show.
And like this, this episode wassupposedly about like, are we
being too, like p politicallycorrect in our parenting?
Like, are we being too soft?
And like now they can't likestand hardship.
(28:07):
And I was just like that like,How is it a bad thing to, you
know, like not be the one thatlike, puts not to be the one who
puts your kids through like painor trauma or whatever.
Like, to me, I feel like wehave, there are lots of
(28:30):
opportunities out there in theworld that, you know, we are
going to experience pain andhurt and disappointment, or our
kids are going to ex experiencepain or hurt or disappointment.
Like you, Like why do you wantto be the one who contributes to
(28:50):
that?
Like, why wouldn't you want tobe a safe haven for, like, so
that your kids will know thatthey're not going to be
experiencing that at that athome?
I mean like, Okay.
Like granted, like I was so.
Angry at that like episodedescription that I didn't watch
it.
I don't know if like, I thinkit's three people on the show.
(29:13):
I don't know if they all hadlike differing opinions, but
like to me, the way that, likethey described it, that this is
politically correct parenting.
Like, it's like you've alreadymade your views clear and, and
it's, yeah, and, and, and I, andI don't like, and it's like, and
(29:35):
I, I was just like, I'm notgoing to like, spend energy
engaging with this, knowingwhat, you know, like their
stance already was.
Angie (29:43):
I could totally see where that connection, cuz I would
feel the same way because theissue is so much more nuanced
than that for them to be like,Oh, this is politically correct
and if it's politically correctthen it's, it's not good or
whatever.
And that was one thing that Ihad actually learned in therapy
because we're so used to, and Imentioned this in a previous
(30:06):
episode a long time ago, so Idon't even remember which
episode it was, but I, mytherapist was, is a Chinese
Canadian as well.
So I think, she knew exactlywhere I was coming from and she
showed me this diagram.
It's basically a triangle andthere are quote unquote three
systems, three response systemsthat we have.
(30:26):
And it's very applicable forparenting so there's the reward
system, so that's like thedopamine where you do something
and you get rewarded.
So if you wanna relate it backto parenting, it's like, okay,
if you eat all your food, thenyou're gonna get praised for
saying, Good girl.
Or if you get great, if yourparents are like, Oh, if you get
(30:47):
straight A's, I'm gonna buy youan Xbox.
This is like very dopamine andit's very reward based, which
is, which is fine.
It's very, but it's also veryshort term based.
And the other one is fear based.
So that's like the fight orflight response system where
it's a lot more scary.
(31:09):
And we're all very familiar withhow that could damage a child's.
The way that they viewthemselves and maybe self-esteem
if you're like, well, if youdon't get straight A's, then
you're not gonna get your phonefor a month.
Or like, Oh, you're grounded.
Or if you don't eat your food,then go to your room and blah,
blah, blah.
Like the negative feedbackreally triggers that, fear
(31:33):
response.
And then you respond with thingslike adrenaline or cortisol or
stuff like that.
And those two systems is like,Yeah, that's, that's parenting.
Like we're so used to that fromthe past generations.
But there's actually a thirdone, which I hadn't known about.
And this, you don't have to goto therapy to learn this either.
Like all this information isavailable on the internet.
(31:55):
but the third one is thesoothing system.
And I think the soothing systemis what people call politically
correct or whatever, because thesoothing system, it's basically.
Let's say your child didn't getstraight ass and they were
expecting themselves to getstraight As.
The soothing system would belike, Well how does that make
you feel?
(32:15):
And this is the, you know, thisis the soft whatever, parenting
that I think gen oldergenerations like, well that's
not gonna work.
but soothing system is basicallyteaching your child to soothe
their own emotions and that it'snot the end of the world if they
don't get straight A's.
it's not the end of the world.
They can't finish their food.
Like the soothing system also isalso where they go, Okay, well
(32:37):
I'm full and I don't have to eateverything that's on the table,
even though somebody else istelling me too, because.
I feel pressure, but I don'tneed to give into this pressure.
And that is such a thought.
That's not just like new to ourculture, but I think just in
general, the soothing systemisn't really used that much in
parenting.
(32:57):
And I think there's a lot ofmisconception that if a parent,
you know, a millennial parent isusing the soothing system for
their children, it's like, oh,well you're teaching them to be
soft.
You're teaching them to be, youknow, not be able to handle
hardship.
But I think it's as actuallycomplete opposite.
You're teaching them to be ableto connect with their emotions
(33:17):
to like so themselves through ahardship, which, so when they
do, encounter hardship, thenthey actually know how to
approach it.
But I think it is very nuancedbecause we're not a hundred
percent familiar with how to dothat yet.
Like we, Cause we were nevertaught, so we're kind of like
broaching the subject for thefirst time.
And, and, and you might do itwrong.
(33:38):
You might soothe them rather.
Teaching them how to sooth.
And I think that's the biggestdifference.
Vincci (33:46):
Yeah, that's a great way of explaining it.
And it's funny that you're kindof like, you don't need to go to
therapy.
Like you can just look on theinternet.
And I was like, Or you couldjust listen to this podcast,
Kristy (33:54):
Yeah, cause we know all about parenting.
Angie (34:00):
Well, that's why.
Vincci (34:00):
and it's No, no, no.
Seriously, like I didn't, like,I, I went like, yeah, I pitched
this episode.
Like, not because I think I'm anexpert in parenting in any way
at all.
and maybe I should have saidthis earlier in the episode, but
more because like, I thinkparenting.
Does feel, very, I don't know iflonely is the right word, but
(34:24):
like, what's tough I think isbecause like, it feels like,
well, like anybody could be aparent.
So like it shouldn't be thathard, but it is, and it's wild
to me.
I know this is completelyunrelated, but like one of the
things that I was very consciousof not doing like professionally
(34:45):
was that like professionally,like I have zero experience with
children.
Like I've never worked in likepediatric nutrition.
And I was like, Okay, like whenI become a parent, I'm not gonna
be one of those dieticians whoall of a sudden is an expert on
like pregnancy, nutrition, andthen child nutrition because
there are dieticians like that.
(35:06):
And it like drives me wild.
And so I was very conscious ofthat.
And so, yeah, like coming ontothis show and like wanting to
talk about parenting has beenless about like, I'm an expert
cuz I have zero like technicalknowledge, but more like sharing
my experiences in hopes thatperhaps other people who listen
(35:28):
to the show, like have similarexperiences and have, you know,
maybe like they can relate to itand feel not so alone or like
you can even reach out.
And so that I don't feel soalone.
but yeah, like I'm definitelynot an expert on this at all.
and I think, you know, talkingabout parenting and also talking
about like my parents, I thinklike I do notice sometimes too
(35:54):
that like I will say things anddo things and I'm like, ugh.
Like my mom would've done thator said that.
And I'm like, No, I'm turninginto my mom.
Yeah.
So I think you're so right,Angie, that like, this is
something that's new for so manypeople, like not just from a
cultural perspective orgenerational perspective.
(36:16):
like I, I, yeah, like it is abit of both and, and so I think
we're all just kind of likemuddling through this together
and in the moment sometimes it'shard to remember, but like, you
know, like, yeah, we're notalone and like, we're not, we're
probably not going to like scarour kids for life, if we're, you
(36:42):
know, doing the best that we.
Kristy (36:46):
And I just wanna point out, we didn't bring you onto
the show because we were like,Oh my God, I haven't, She's the
expert because no matter if, youknow, whatever role we take on,
Whether that's being a newparent, whether it's, in a
professional role, whether it'sjust understanding what it's
like to be an adult.
(37:08):
No one really knows what they'redoing.
And I think the best and mostcomforting thing is to know that
other people also don't knowwhat they're doing, but we just
all try our best.
It's not like we're just gonnafuck around, you know, but we're
all just trying our best but itdoesn't mean that we're all
experts in, in this role or thistitle.
(37:33):
And at the end of the day, it'scomforting to know that, oh,
other people also only have alittle bit of a clue, and that
means I'm not messed up.
That means I'm not inferior.
Like we're all just trying tofigure it out.
And the more we have theseconversations, the more we get
(37:53):
to realize that that's true.
Otherwise, it's just we'rehaving these conversations in
our own heads and that's whatmakes it feel lonely
Angie (38:02):
And that's why we started the podcast because we were
having these conversations of,you know, doubt and anxiety and
depression in our own headswe're like, Well, if we talk
about it, then people will feelless lonely.
And Vinci, when you said like,sometimes like when I'm
parenting, like when I'm tryingto figure out this parenting
thing, I feel very lonely andI'm like, oh my God.
(38:24):
Like that's another thing thatjust needs to be talked about.
We just need to make it so clearthat, you know, it's not, it's
so hard because like, I, I feellike I see a lot of, Instagrams
with like moms and familieswhere they post like the best
photo that they have or post thebest memories they have, and it
makes you feel even more lonelybecause you're like, That's not
(38:46):
my, that's not my life.
Like, that's like maybe like 10%of it.
And then we forget that that'slike 10% for them too.
So like, these are conversationswe need to be have.
and yeah, we, when I said likeVinci, like yourself, I mean
like, we don't have kids, so wegotta invite somebody to like
yourself to come on and talkabout your experience.
And that's something I justlearned from you is like,
(39:06):
parenting can be very lonely.
And I was like, Wow.
I had never thought about itlike that before.
Vincci (39:13):
Yeah, like, because I think there, there are like so
many pressures out there, orlike, especially with like the
proliferation of like mom blogsor like mom influencers.
There's definitely a lot more interms of like what makes a, a.
A good mom.
(39:33):
and like, yeah, just very sillythings like obviously like being
a dietician, I'm like morefamiliar with the food side of
things, but I'm sure there'slike other stuff too that like
people and I have felt pressurearound, like even, you know,
even like I was mentioningearlier, that like that Cassia
(39:53):
has a bladder infection rightnow.
I had actually missed it forlike several days because we
were all just getting betterfrom Covid and, and so it
didn't, so it took us a while tolike finally realize that she
had a bladder infection and thenget her to the doctor and start
on antibiotics.
And so it's just been like a,like a long, like, it's just
(40:16):
been a really tough course forher.
And I've like, felt so guilty,like, oh, like why didn't I pick
it up earlier?
Like, why didn't I take her tothe doctor sooner?
And it's like, Viji, it's cuzyou had covid and you couldn't
go anywhere.
But like, but then recently onTwitter, like someone had
tweeted, you know, like my sonwas like grabbing my stu his
(40:37):
stomach all the time and sayingowie like finally we went to
emergency.
And it turns out like he hadsomething called inter
subception or something, which Ithink has to do with like, I
dunno, the organ, like the, likethe organs internally somehow,
like, and so like now he's fineand sleeping and like the, the
replies had like so many peoplebeing like, Yeah, you know, like
(41:00):
my kid was sick and I didn'tknow for days.
And then we finally got them tothe doctor and like, thank God
they're fine.
But it was like, oh my gosh,like, yeah, like this just
happened to me.
And like in a case that's noteven as severe as interception,
but I did feel awful, like justkind of like, why didn't I
(41:20):
realize earlier that this waswhat it was and started her on
antibiotics sooner.
so yeah.
So you know, like we're allmuddling through and mm-hmm and
we're doing the best that wecan.
Kristy (41:33):
And I think that's the, the best takeaway from today's
episode.
We started talking about, youknow, breaking the generational
cycle of Asian parenting.
And I think I had my owndefinitions of what that meant.
And I think we all have our owndefinitions of what that means.
And there's probably a lot ofoverlap.
But throughout this conversationwe also learned that it's, it's
(41:55):
not just within the Asianculture and it's not just about
generational differences.
It can be, and it could also bea whole bunch of other things.
And to change the way that, youknow,
Angie (42:11):
I'm okay.
You.
Kristy (42:12):
we become parents ourselves is to think about what
we had wanted from our parentsand then be that person.
And soft parenting, I'm justgonna put air quote soft
parenting which is what Anj haddescribed as the soothing like
(42:33):
part three of that diagram.
Maybe we'll find that diagramand we'll link it in the show
notes, is really teaching kidshow to trust their own senses,
trust their emotions, learn howto process when things are not
so great when.
Things feel a certain way.
(42:54):
And I think rather than seeingit as a, you know, soft or a
weak way to parent, we'reactually building resilience and
strength.
And that's something that we,many of us did not get to
experience growing up.
That's why we're learning aboutit as adults and we're like, Oh
my gosh, there's so many thingsI have to unlearn, but also
(43:16):
relearn as well.
How do I trust my own senses andemotions and process things and
recognize trauma?
You know?
And at the end of the day, we'reall just trying to do the best
we can, whether you're a parentor in any other role that you
might have in your life.
(43:36):
And at the end of the day, justhave some self-compassion as we
try to do the best that we cando.
So thank you for that.
Vincci (43:47):
You summarized all that we talked about, so Well, And
like, just to kind of add on acouple things to what Christie
said, like when we're talkingabout the soothing system, it's,
I think sometimes it's calledco-regulating.
So if you can't find anythingunder like, soothing system, if
you search like maybeco-regulating, maybe you can
(44:08):
find, more information on that.
And another resource that hasbeen very helpful for me has
been untacking.
Like, cuz it's like specificallylike written by an Asian person.
I know I even mentioned to youguys like that I've kind of been
(44:28):
not a hundred percent into itbecause for, Iris who created
untiring, like Untacking alsoincludes unschooling.
And I'm not a hundred percentinto unschooling.
Yet slash ever Just cuz like, I,I don't think I would have the
patience to like dohomeschooling.
Kristy (44:47):
What's unschooling?
Just
Vincci (44:50):
it's ba I think it's like a form of.
Unschooling or a form ofhomeschooling.
Sorry, that's even like lessstructured.
Like I think there is, like,there are some people who do
homeschooling, but like they doit very like close to the
government curriculum.
And I think unschooling is evenmore like, you know, let your
(45:13):
kids take the lead.
Like self-directed stuff likethat.
Like that's kind of theimpression that I get from, what
unschooling is.
And I'm just like, I do not I amnot the, the unschooling type.
Like I, I don't think I'm readyto let go of everything else
that I have in my life to likecommit to, you know, being like
(45:37):
the teacher for my kid.
And, but I think one of thethings about Iris's story that
like I tend to hold onto is thatlike she didn't start doing this
new way of parenting until Ithink her oldest kid was eight.
So like, when I like hear that,I'm like, oh, like, or
(45:57):
especially when I have mymoments where I'm like, ugh, I'm
like dipping into being veryauthoritarian or, I said
something that I didn't, thatdidn't come out right or in the
tone that didn't come out likethe way that I wanted to, then I
kind of remember Okay, like it'snot too late.
Iris Chen didn't start until herkid was eight years old.
Kristy (46:22):
look at that self-compassion that you're
giving yourself.
Just recognize that work too.
Vici,
Vincci (46:30):
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Kristy (46:34):
Our last question What are you currently doing for
yourself?
right now for self care, Ihesitate on self-care.
because it becomes such abuzzword.
But what is something that youare currently doing for
yourself?
Period.
Vincci (46:48):
Well, one of the things that I got really into like this
year was like planning withlike, and like doing like
planner spreads with like washytape and stickers and stuff like
that.
and so like one of the shopsthat I follow, like her YouTube
channel, like, so she has one ofthe, she has a journal.
(47:10):
Or a planner called the HoChicousin and it has like a weekly
section and a daily section.
And so like she, journals likein her daily section and like
watching her channel in inspiredme to start journaling.
So I've been journaling everyday since April 1st, or even
earlier than that this year.
(47:31):
cuz I have an April start HoChilike, here it is.
viewers can't see it, but I'mlike just kind of flipping
through.
It's like stickers and washy andjournaling.
but yeah, I've been journalingevery day and some, and
sometimes it's like not verydeep.
Sometimes this is just like,this is what happened today.
And other times there are likethings that are a little more, I
(47:52):
don't know.
I don't know.
I don't, I think pro sayingprofound would give myself too
much credit, but just like, likeyeah, like other stuff is just
more like personal andemotional.
That's a better way to phraseit.
yeah, so that's something thatI've been doing is journaling
every.
Kristy (48:07):
I love that.
I'm a big fan of journaling, so,And, and your journal looked
great just seeing you flipthrough the pages, there's like
different colors.
The washy tapes are there.
You're doing some like letteringI saw from what I, from what you
had shown.
Thank you again for hanging outwith us today, Vici, and sharing
(48:27):
your stories and where can someof our proof troops find you?
Vinci
Vincci (48:32):
poop troops.
Okay.
Kristy (48:34):
It's what we call our listeners.
They voted
Vincci (48:36):
right.
Oh, okay.
Well, poof Troops.
Well, it's like, like, you know,in Christie's intro earlier on
in the show, I like my, most ofmy online presence is
professional, so you can find methrough like my dietician
website.
it's, it's my name, It's vincichoy.com and I'll spell it.
It's V I n c C I t S u i.com.
(48:58):
And, and yeah, and I'm onInstagram or Twitter or
Facebook, at Vinci r d.
Kristy (49:05):
Awesome.
And of course everything will bein the show notes.
Vincci (49:08):
Thanks so much for having me.
it's funny that you're kind of like, you don't need to
(00:01):
go to therapy.
Like you can just look on theinternet.
And I was like, Or you couldjust listen to this podcast,
Kristy (00:31):
welcome back to another episode of Shit We Don't Tell
Mom.
This is Christy.
Angie (00:35):
this is Angie.
Kristy (00:36):
We have Vincci Tsui who's joining us today, and she
is a 1.5 generation Hong KongChinese Canadian, who's living
in Calgary.
She's mostly known for her workas a dietician and certified
intuitive eating counselor.
I am a secretly not so secret,big fan of her work.
I've been following her stufffor like years, so I'm kind of
(00:57):
basically fangirling right now.
But I'm gonna put that asidebecause today we're gonna be
talking about breaking thegenerational cycle of Asian
parenting.
So welcome to the Chauvin.
Vincci (01:10):
Thank you so much for having me, You summarized so
Well, and now I'm like blushingcuz I didn't realize this was a
fangirl moment.
This wasn't part of the agreedupon introduction.
Kristy (01:23):
This whole time when we've been like emailing each
other, I keep telling Angie toto do the emailing because I'm
like, I'm gonna freak out.
I'm gonna like get all fan girlyand like weird about things.
So please candle all thecommunications, and I just lurk
in the background.
But anyways, welcome, welcome.
Vincci (01:46):
Yeah.
Thanks so much for having me.
Angie (01:47):
Yeah, Christie's really good at that.
She's always the summarizer ofour episodes,
Vincci (01:52):
it's a, it's a motivational interviewing skill.
Angie (01:58):
Oh really?
I had no idea.
Oh my
Vincci (02:01):
Yeah.
It's a, it's a counseling skill.
Yeah.
Kristy (02:04):
The secrets have.
Vincci (02:08):
Well, and it's funny because like speaking of
counseling skills, like it'sreally something that I've had
to learn as a dietitian.
Like it wasn't something thatcame naturally to me.
and I have found that, yeah,like sometimes, not all the
time, sometimes leaning on thoseskills, like in parenting has
been super helpful.
(02:28):
I have a three year olddaughter.
Her name is Cassia.
Angie (02:32):
Cass?
Yeah.
That's so cute.
That's a good name.
Vincci (02:35):
I actually used to babysit someone with that name.
but, what I like about it isit's like unique, but it's not
something that you can'tpronounce.
Like my name,
Kristy (02:49):
Okay.
I think that is like very greatof you to consider because
growing up, I didn't grow upwith the name Christie.
I grew up with my Chinese name,which is Winan.
And that was always something Ithought about.
I'm like, when I have kids, whenI was younger, I wanted kids.
Now not so much, but when I wasyounger, I'm like, Oh my gosh.
(03:12):
I think about what their namesare gonna be.
I think about their birthdays,like, are they gonna fall into
the school year so that they getcelebrated during school?
My birthday's very close toHalloween and I hated it because
I always get overshadowed byHalloween
Vincci (03:26):
Part of Cass's name too, like, so Cassia is actually
like, a plant and that they useit as like a substitute for
cinnamon.
So I think like, technically,like most of the cinnamon that
we get in stores is not actuallycinnamon.
It's like it is cassia.
So, yeah.
So that's part of it too.
Angie (03:44):
I think that's, That's Chinese cinnamon,
Vincci (03:48):
Mm, mm-hmm.
sort of.
And, and so part of the meaningthere too, I was like, Well, if
you want to know the origin ofCass's name.
so yeah, so Cassia like inChinese, it's, Y White or that's
Cantonese.
And so the word white is also acharacter that's in my dad's
name and in my husband.
(04:08):
So my husband, his dad isChinese and his mom is
Caucasian.
So his dad's name like, also hasthe word tree in it.
So I thought it was also likekind of a connection there,
which is part of the reason whyI chose Cassia.
Yeah,
Kristy (04:22):
This is so poetic,
Angie (04:24):
Yeah.
I love it.
Kristy (04:25):
there's so many layers and meaning to this.
I'm just like floored.
Here.
I am thinking about like allthese superficial things.
Angie (04:34):
Like birthday parties and
Kristy (04:36):
Yeah.
Angie (04:37):
No, I love that.
That's, that's really meaningfuland I like that you.
are integrating like all theheritage from your family and
putting it into your daughterbecause you know she's a result
of all of that.
Vincci (04:50):
Cassia does have a Chinese name and my parents hate
it.
So when it first came to namingCassia, like giving her, Well,
I, well, obviously, I asked myparents like, Do you have any
ideas for Chinese names?
And they were like, Well, what'sher English name going to be
like, We'll, just find a name.
That sounds like it.
Because that's almost like thebackward process of how they
(05:12):
figured out Vinci was like, Theyhad my Chinese name first, which
is Wing Z.
And then they like just mashedsome letters together that
sounded like that, like in theirhead.
And that's how it worked for allmy siblings names as well.
And I was like, No, you are notgoing to like just come up with
a Chinese name that sounds likeher English name.
Like that is not gonna be good.
So I ended up coming up with herChinese name, which is, seeing y
(05:36):
which like scene meanscompassionate and yang means
brave.
and my parents hate it, I thinkbecause y sort of codes male and
it's also in, or like, it's anolder like generation name.
yeah, they hate it.
It's so funny.
they refuse to call her aChinese name.
They just call her Cass
Kristy (05:59):
I love, I love that.
And I love that you named yourdaughter yourself.
Vincci (06:03):
Yeah, it's, it's not as common in Chinese, but like what
is so wild to me though, likespeaking of like Chinese names,
is that I'm part of like a bunchof like Cantonese, like Facebook
groups, cuz I'm dorky like that.
And there are so many people inthose groups who are like, I'm
trying to name my kid, like,help me come up with names with
(06:25):
my kid.
I was like, why would yououtsource that to a Facebook
group?
every time I have like astandard reply that's like, Talk
to your family.
Even though like, in myexperience, my family was
completely unhelpful,
Kristy (06:39):
okay.
Side note, I am also part ofthese catches.
I'm, I might not be in the sameone as yours because I haven't
seen these.
I'm in some like, extra nicheone cuz my family is from, from
the village, or,
Vincci (06:55):
from the village.
Kristy (06:56):
Going back to your family and your parents growing
up, what was, what was yourrelationship like with them?
Vincci (07:03):
I mean, so I think like part of The reason why I pitched
this episode was because likelistening to your guys'
interview on, what kind of Asianare you?
And you're both like, we bothhave complicated relationship
with our moms.
And I was like, Me too, My,Yeah.
Yeah.
Like I, I would describe it ascomplicated and, my dad, like,
(07:26):
he still has his company in HongKong.
Like, so growing up, likethroughout my entire life, he's
always just kind of flown backand forth between Calgary and
Hong Kong.
even right now, like with thePandemic, I haven't seen him for
almost three years and like inperson and he's finally coming
back, next month, like, whichis, which was like, yeah.
(07:51):
The best news ever.
But, so yeah, so I, I would saylike my relationship with my
parents was never super close.
The interesting thing was alwaysthat like, I never knew whether
this was like an Asian thing orwhether this was like a, like my
family thing because, My family,especially my mom's side.
(08:11):
We have a good ha like a goodnumber of cousins.
I'm like trying to count in myhead like how many of us there
are.
I think there are six of us.
I'm like trying to do the mathreally fast so that I, I'm not
like missing anyone.
Yeah.
So I think there are six of uson my mom's side of the family,
like as cousins.
And so like, you know, like whenwe would have family dinners,
(08:32):
like as cousins, we would alwaysjust kind of like, you know,
talk about family gossip and itwas always just kind of like,
okay, like is this justsomething that's like our family
or is this like, you know, likean Asian thing?
and I would never know so.
Yeah, so like, I guess to goback to answering your question,
(08:53):
I think we, you sort of seestuff, especially I would say
like more in Western mediawhere, you know, people say
like, My mom is my best friend,or I can tell my mom anything.
And like, that is not the kindof relationship that I have with
my mom at all.
Kristy (09:13):
I think especially because, you know, we're kids,
we don't like talk about ourfamilies to our friends.
And I think it's great that, youknow, you had your cousins to at
least bond over this and waslike, Is this, is this just our
family that's messed up?
Like, is it, why are we sodysfunctional?
Like it can't be Maybe it's justus.
Cause then the representationthat we see would be like things
(09:34):
in the media or things, youknow, on TV shows, blah, blah,
blah.
And, and I don't know about you,but I could never relate.
You know, I just didn't get it.
And the, the whole best friendthing, that was not something I
thought that was the mostfringiest thing.
Every time I see it on tv, like,you know, the mom and the
daughters would link arms andskip along in the mall with
(09:56):
their shopping bags and theyhave like a spa day.
And I'm like, what the, thatsounds no.
Why would you want us do that?
Why would mom even agree tothat?
Like it would be horrible.
All she'll talk about is likehow expensive the thing is or
you know, have some sort of acritique on the clothing
(10:17):
choices, whatever.
And I, for me, I felt like itwasn't until like the age of the
internet and memes and Instagramwhere I start seeing other
people post things that I'mlike, Hey, that I relate to that
talking about, and we'll getstereotypical here like the
tiger mom trope, right?
Vincci (10:38):
Mm-hmm.
Angie (10:38):
I think Asian traits was one of those, viral thing that
kind of started the, a lot ofthis movement.
Like, I remember looking at it,I'm like, How come we've never
had anything like this before?
Like I think that was why it wasso magical.
It wasn't just like, it wasn'tjust Australia, cuz it started
in Australia, but it wasn't justin Australia.
(10:59):
It like came over here.
It was so prolific around theworld because it was something
we never had and that's why itwas so popular.
And
Vincci (11:05):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Angie (11:06):
were so many offshoots from that.
I actually have a really funnystory so I had a friend from
high school.
She is like third generationChinese.
her mom is very whitewashed, soI remember like going to their
house, having dinner.
but it was kind of cool becauseher mom will like, serve the
soup at the beginning.
You know, like the Chinese, likemedicinal soup.
Some of the dishes will be like,like beef pasta, like beef
(11:29):
ballies kind of thing.
But And I was like, this is sostrange.
Like, but I love it.
don't call me Mrs.
Won.
Call me Irene.
So she was the first like adultlevel authority figure that I
had ever called by first name.
And it was just like such aweird feeling.
And one time I was out with mymom grocery shopping, and we
(11:50):
bumped into Irene and she waslike, Angie, how are you?
And like, she comes over to mewith like her arms.
So of course I give her a hugand like I'm like, Oh, this is
my mom, a mom, this is like myfriend's mom, blah, blah, blah.
And then she leaves and my mom'slike, She didn't say at the
time, but she brought it up atanother time.
Later on she was tellingsomebody else about how horrible
(12:11):
I am because I don't hug her.
She's like, She will hug otherpeople's moms, but she won't hug
her own mom.
I still can't hug like I'm now31.
And I, and that happened when Iwas like 16 It's been like 15
years that I still cannot hug mymom, and I don't know what it
is.
So my mom, she's from China.
(12:33):
She grew up in China.
She immigrated here and I camehere when I was nine years old
and she actually went into earlychildhood education.
So because of that, she was ableto learn a lot of like the
western way of.
Being with children and raisingchildren, stuff like that.
So she became a lot more openminded, a a lot more like,
(12:53):
perceptive to the Western ways.
And she's adopted some of thoseways.
Like she wants to hug me, but Itold her like,
Kristy (13:01):
That's what she adopted.
That's the takeaway.
Your mom really wants to hugyou, which is
Angie (13:07):
okay, now I still, I give her hugs sometimes, like,
depending on the context, butit's not like an everyday thing,
you know what I mean?
and my justification is that wegrew up not hugging.
Like I have never hugged you asa child and for me to hug you as
like an adult.
It's just so weird.
Like, it, it, it's, it's a weirdfeeling.
Kristy (13:27):
And Vin, do you hug your mom?
Vincci (13:29):
I didn't growing up either, but I would say like in
later years, and I think itstarted more with my dad, like,
you know, like dropping him offat the airport or like picking
him up at the airport, like wewould hug and stuff and like,
but it didn't start until, Idon't know, like we were
teenagers or possibly adults,like, and so yeah, like it, it
(13:51):
was definitely something thathappened later on in life, and
not when we were kids.
Kristy (13:59):
Okay.
I'm gonna just insert somethinghere because like we're talking
about these stories, you know,from, from when we were younger,
so it seems like it's sodistant, but just a few days
ago.
My mom was telling me about herfriend and her friend's son.
Okay.
And how he would hug his momevery day, every time they see
(14:25):
each other, they would hug andhe would say, I love you, mom,
and hug her.
And every time he has a bad dayat work, he would rant to her
and talk to her about it.
Cuz she's like, I can't, I haveto put on this front because I
see clients, but sometimes it'sjust so frustrating.
And he will just, you know, gohome with his mom.
(14:48):
and and I, and, and I'm like,Okay, well why are you telling
me this story, Mom?
Like, what are you implying
Angie (14:58):
oh, yeah, she's definitely imp pawing something.
She's definitely like, Youshould be hugging me every day.
Or like, I want you to hug meevery day.
But it's weird, right?
Like it, imagine having to hugyour mom every single day when
you haven't done so in like 30something years.
Kristy (15:14):
I'm like, I love the story.
I feel so happy for your friend,and I'm so happy for the sun.
Like, Like good on them.
It sounds like they have a greatrelationship.
Yay.
Let's move on.
Angie (15:26):
Vici?
Do you hug your daughter
Vincci (15:28):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Kristy (15:32):
look at that.
We're already breaking thegenerational cycle.
Angie (15:35):
Yeah,
Kristy (15:42):
I'm curious to know, do you talk to your parents about
parent.
Vincci (15:47):
Not really.
So we actually had my daughterin daycare like kind of leading
up to the pandemic, which wasvery rare because she wasn't
even one years old then.
But, you know, since I'm, sinceI'm like, I'm self-employed, I
just kind of took a shortermaternity leave and, and
started, going back to workbefore the whole year and, So
(16:10):
the pandemic started and wepulled her out of childcare.
And, the arrangement that wekind of had was that like my
in-laws would watch her for afew days a week, and then my mom
would also watch her for a fewdays a week.
And I was actually, like nervousabout having my mom watch her
because I was like, Ugh.
Like, is she going to likeinstill stuff that I don't
(16:33):
necessarily believe in or, yeah.
So you like, now that I'm sayingit out loud, it's almost kind of
embarrassing, but I think likeeven thinking about the way.
I was parented and, and some ofthe ways that I don't
necessarily want to repeat that.
so no, like I feel like it takesa lot for me to tell, my mom,
(16:59):
something like, last night even,since my daughter like kind of
goes to her house once a week, Iwas just like, Hey, like, just
wanted to give you a heads up.
Cassie has a bladder infectionright now.
And like her first response waslike, how did she get a bladder
infection?
And it was just like, Oh my God.
Like, I have no idea.
(17:20):
You know,
Kristy (17:21):
you can feel the like, I can feel the blame already like,
Vincci (17:25):
So to answer your question, like, that was a very
long, way, long, roundabout way.
So you can edit it if you wantfor me to say like, No, I don't
really talk about, Yeah.
Talk with my parents aboutparenting.
because I, I don't know if Inecessarily agree with the way
that they parent.
Kristy (17:44):
Yep.
And I relate to that because Iwould also be nervous to, if I
were to have a kid, I would feeluncomfortable leaving my kid
with my mom in the same roomwhile I'm not there.
Because I'm afraid that there'sgonna be like old school
thinking or old schoolmentalities, and teachings that
(18:07):
might come out from her.
And then I'm not there to, youknow, negate that or put a
boundary to it.
I can come up with a few thingsin my own, like head for what my
mom could say, but I'm curiousto know, what are some of the
things that you're afraid yourmom might say to
Vincci (18:23):
I don't, Yeah, like, I'm trying to think of, I think it
was, I think at the time it waslike probably stuff around food,
like being a dietician.
Like, you know, like is shegoing to like force her to eat
all her food, like even if sheisn't hungry or something like
that.
And it's funny because I thinkit's.
(18:47):
I think it's been moreinfluenced sort of by my
in-laws.
You know, like my in-laws willlike drop her off from watching
her and be like, Oh, you know,today at lunch, like Cassia
said, Oh, I'm not gonna eatthis.
Like, I want something that'shealthy.
And I'm like, Oh my gosh.
Like where, where did she getthis like, healthy, unhealthy
(19:08):
messaging from?
But a again, like, you know, andI don't know if it's something
that comes from my in-laws or Idon't know if it's something
that like came from like aYouTube video that she watched
or whatever, or, or, or likeonce I think I.
Ate something or finishedsomething and Cassia said, Good
(19:29):
girl.
Or like, but the way she saysgirl is like guru, So she's
like, Good guru mama, you likedid this.
And I'm like, Oh my gosh.
Like it, you know, likefinishing your food.
Like, you know, like I shouldn'tbe complimenting you for like
finishing your meal and stuff,but like, that's kind of
something that she's alreadypicked up on.
And it's hard because like sinceshe's so young, like I think
it's easy to like laugh it offand be like, Oh, you know, she's
(19:54):
a little kid.
Like, but yeah.
so I don't think it's just myparents, but I think it's
probably just like a lot of likesocietal beliefs in, in general,
and I think like, going back tomaybe like what I might have
been worried about, it mighthave been like expectations
around like certain behavior andstuff like that.
(20:15):
So, Yeah, but it, but I don'tknow.
I think in general it's beenfine.
Like people grandparentdifferently than they parent
Kristy (20:24):
Yeah,
Vincci (20:25):
and also and also my sister still lives at home and
like, she's currently gettingher degree in education.
So like, you know, like I knowshe's kind of there too.
but, yeah, so I, I don't know,like I, so I would say like in
general, my fears have beenunfounded.
(20:45):
and you know, and that Cassiehas sometimes picked up on some
of the stuff I don't agree withfrom other places too.
mm-hmm.
Angie (20:56):
I think that's very interesting.
and I, there's this, phrase thatmy mom taught me in Chinese and
the English translation isessentially, if you raise your
children right, then you canspoil your grandchildren.
If you spoiled your children,then you have to raise your
(21:18):
grandchildren.
Vincci (21:21):
Oh,
Angie (21:23):
So there's definitely a lot of, you know, parenting
methods that we would agree withfrom our parents.
And I think that might be commonuniversally, I want to say, I
think.
Vincci (21:34):
mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Angie (21:36):
just so prolific for our culture and there are a lot of
things we don't agree with.
Not just in terms of like theera, but also just in terms of
culture as well.
Cuz we are so much moreintegrated into like Western
society than they are.
But I think maybe not a but, butmaybe as a third party it's
(21:57):
always easier to see the goodstuff when you're outside.
It's like, it sounds like you'redoing so much for your daughter.
Like you're, you're, you'rereally considerate of her
future.
You wanna make sure that she'seating right, et cetera.
And maybe that's also a littlebit of a reflection of your
parents as well.
I like to think that if you havecome out as a really good
(22:20):
person, you can attribute someof that to your parents as well.
not always, not always.
There's definitely, exceptionsout there, but.
Yeah, so I just wanna say likeit's, I mean, as a third person,
it's definitely easier for me tosay than to, to actually know
what's going on.
Vincci (22:40):
Yeah, and I, and I wouldn't say that I have a bad
relationship with my parents atall.
Like I, Yeah, no, like, that'snot how I would describe it.
But I would say that it'sprobably like more distant than
what other people's with theirparents might be like.
Like, like I said earlier, likeI wouldn't call my mom like my
(23:02):
best friend or, I don't think myparents are necessarily the
first ones that I would tell,like certain things.
and other things, they are thefirst ones like, I think they
were like the first ones to knowthat I was pregnant, but like,
but yeah, so like, but I wouldsay, yeah, it's, it's not as, I
don't know, like intimate orclose, as some other people
(23:26):
might have.
and like, I think.
That is also very common amongstlike other Asian people.
Kristy (24:27):
Yeah.
Speaking of that and alluding tothe memes that I was talking
about earlier, Vici, you hadsent us an Instagram post, and
I'm gonna try my best todescribe the post to our
listeners cause we're so good atdoing this.
Okay, So, this sketch, thisdoodle is from Sketchy car.
(24:49):
We'll link it in the show notesbelow.
So the first half of the sketchis titled What Asian Parents
Want for Their Kids.
And the Laundry list issomething that we are very
familiar with, is to marry,quote unquote, Well go to
university, have job security,have a great house, money, lots
of money, kids of course, andthen bracket happiness.
(25:15):
Now, on the other side of thedoodle is titled What Asian Kids
Want from their Parents.
Which is validation,acknowledgement of our traumas.
Positive reinforcement to hearare the words.
I love you to hear the words.
I'm proud of you being acceptedand of course having red packets
for the rest of our lives.
(25:36):
Just keep that red envelopescoming.
So Vinci, you sent us thisillustration.
I feel like there's, there'ssome deeper stories behind it.
What, what are some of yourthoughts and yeah, what got you
sharing this with.
Vincci (25:52):
Well, what was interesting to me about that is
that like, you know, like thecomments on it, like so many
people are like, I relate orwhatever.
And it's tricky be that like shedid add that line about like the
red packets because like whatends up, I think what ended up
happening in the comments toowas that people would be like,
(26:12):
Oh yeah, like the red packets orwhatever.
even, and not necessarilyacknowledging like all these
other things.
And like to me it's kind oflike, okay, like yes, like we as
Asian kids like want this fromour Asian parents.
So when we become parents, likewouldn't we want to give those
(26:36):
things to our kids, If thatmakes sense.
and I see a lot of parents.
Like when I look at it, I'mlike, yeah, like wouldn't you
want to give those things toyour kids?
Like, wouldn't you want yourkids to feel validated or to say
I love you to them or whatever.
and, and, and then, and so I'mjust kind of like, like why does
(27:01):
this sort of continue that welike that we have like
generations on, generations likestill relating to these memes.
And I think there's also like,There's also like other people
who are in our generation whomight feel like, well, like this
(27:23):
is what I have to be as an Asianparent.
Or like this, like, I turned outfine.
So like this, this should workfor our kids too.
And like the example that I haveis that recently, in one of the
groups that I'm in there, likesomeone had posted like a video
and like full disclosure, I wasactually part of like this
(27:46):
YouTube channel earlier on andI, and I left it like for just
cuz I was like, busy.
But anyway, it's, it's likebasically like a Cantonese talk
show.
And like this, this episode wassupposedly about like, are we
being too, like p politicallycorrect in our parenting?
Like, are we being too soft?
And like now they can't likestand hardship.
(28:07):
And I was just like that like,How is it a bad thing to, you
know, like not be the one thatlike, puts not to be the one who
puts your kids through like painor trauma or whatever.
Like, to me, I feel like wehave, there are lots of
(28:30):
opportunities out there in theworld that, you know, we are
going to experience pain andhurt and disappointment, or our
kids are going to ex experiencepain or hurt or disappointment.
Like you, Like why do you wantto be the one who contributes to
(28:50):
that?
Like, why wouldn't you want tobe a safe haven for, like, so
that your kids will know thatthey're not going to be
experiencing that at that athome?
I mean like, Okay.
Like granted, like I was so.
Angry at that like episodedescription that I didn't watch
it.
I don't know if like, I thinkit's three people on the show.
(29:13):
I don't know if they all hadlike differing opinions, but
like to me, the way that, likethey described it, that this is
politically correct parenting.
Like, it's like you've alreadymade your views clear and, and
it's, yeah, and, and, and I, andI don't like, and it's like, and
(29:35):
I, I was just like, I'm notgoing to like, spend energy
engaging with this, knowingwhat, you know, like their
stance already was.
Angie (29:43):
I could totally see where that connection, cuz I would
feel the same way because theissue is so much more nuanced
than that for them to be like,Oh, this is politically correct
and if it's politically correctthen it's, it's not good or
whatever.
And that was one thing that Ihad actually learned in therapy
because we're so used to, and Imentioned this in a previous
(30:06):
episode a long time ago, so Idon't even remember which
episode it was, but I, mytherapist was, is a Chinese
Canadian as well.
So I think, she knew exactlywhere I was coming from and she
showed me this diagram.
It's basically a triangle andthere are quote unquote three
systems, three response systemsthat we have.
(30:26):
And it's very applicable forparenting so there's the reward
system, so that's like thedopamine where you do something
and you get rewarded.
So if you wanna relate it backto parenting, it's like, okay,
if you eat all your food, thenyou're gonna get praised for
saying, Good girl.
Or if you get great, if yourparents are like, Oh, if you get
(30:47):
straight A's, I'm gonna buy youan Xbox.
This is like very dopamine andit's very reward based, which
is, which is fine.
It's very, but it's also veryshort term based.
And the other one is fear based.
So that's like the fight orflight response system where
it's a lot more scary.
(31:09):
And we're all very familiar withhow that could damage a child's.
The way that they viewthemselves and maybe self-esteem
if you're like, well, if youdon't get straight A's, then
you're not gonna get your phonefor a month.
Or like, Oh, you're grounded.
Or if you don't eat your food,then go to your room and blah,
blah, blah.
Like the negative feedbackreally triggers that, fear
(31:33):
response.
And then you respond with thingslike adrenaline or cortisol or
stuff like that.
And those two systems is like,Yeah, that's, that's parenting.
Like we're so used to that fromthe past generations.
But there's actually a thirdone, which I hadn't known about.
And this, you don't have to goto therapy to learn this either.
Like all this information isavailable on the internet.
(31:55):
but the third one is thesoothing system.
And I think the soothing systemis what people call politically
correct or whatever, because thesoothing system, it's basically.
Let's say your child didn't getstraight ass and they were
expecting themselves to getstraight As.
The soothing system would belike, Well how does that make
you feel?
(32:15):
And this is the, you know, thisis the soft whatever, parenting
that I think gen oldergenerations like, well that's
not gonna work.
but soothing system is basicallyteaching your child to soothe
their own emotions and that it'snot the end of the world if they
don't get straight A's.
it's not the end of the world.
They can't finish their food.
Like the soothing system also isalso where they go, Okay, well
(32:37):
I'm full and I don't have to eateverything that's on the table,
even though somebody else istelling me too, because.
I feel pressure, but I don'tneed to give into this pressure.
And that is such a thought.
That's not just like new to ourculture, but I think just in
general, the soothing systemisn't really used that much in
parenting.
(32:57):
And I think there's a lot ofmisconception that if a parent,
you know, a millennial parent isusing the soothing system for
their children, it's like, oh,well you're teaching them to be
soft.
You're teaching them to be, youknow, not be able to handle
hardship.
But I think it's as actuallycomplete opposite.
You're teaching them to be ableto connect with their emotions
(33:17):
to like so themselves through ahardship, which, so when they
do, encounter hardship, thenthey actually know how to
approach it.
But I think it is very nuancedbecause we're not a hundred
percent familiar with how to dothat yet.
Like we, Cause we were nevertaught, so we're kind of like
broaching the subject for thefirst time.
And, and, and you might do itwrong.
(33:38):
You might soothe them rather.
Teaching them how to sooth.
And I think that's the biggestdifference.
Vincci (33:46):
Yeah, that's a great way of explaining it.
And it's funny that you're kindof like, you don't need to go to
therapy.
Like you can just look on theinternet.
And I was like, Or you couldjust listen to this podcast,
Kristy (33:54):
Yeah, cause we know all about parenting.
Angie (34:00):
Well, that's why.
Vincci (34:00):
and it's No, no, no.
Seriously, like I didn't, like,I, I went like, yeah, I pitched
this episode.
Like, not because I think I'm anexpert in parenting in any way
at all.
and maybe I should have saidthis earlier in the episode, but
more because like, I thinkparenting.
Does feel, very, I don't know iflonely is the right word, but
(34:24):
like, what's tough I think isbecause like, it feels like,
well, like anybody could be aparent.
So like it shouldn't be thathard, but it is, and it's wild
to me.
I know this is completelyunrelated, but like one of the
things that I was very consciousof not doing like professionally
(34:45):
was that like professionally,like I have zero experience with
children.
Like I've never worked in likepediatric nutrition.
And I was like, Okay, like whenI become a parent, I'm not gonna
be one of those dieticians whoall of a sudden is an expert on
like pregnancy, nutrition, andthen child nutrition because
there are dieticians like that.
(35:06):
And it like drives me wild.
And so I was very conscious ofthat.
And so, yeah, like coming ontothis show and like wanting to
talk about parenting has beenless about like, I'm an expert
cuz I have zero like technicalknowledge, but more like sharing
my experiences in hopes thatperhaps other people who listen
(35:28):
to the show, like have similarexperiences and have, you know,
maybe like they can relate to itand feel not so alone or like
you can even reach out.
And so that I don't feel soalone.
but yeah, like I'm definitelynot an expert on this at all.
and I think, you know, talkingabout parenting and also talking
about like my parents, I thinklike I do notice sometimes too
(35:54):
that like I will say things anddo things and I'm like, ugh.
Like my mom would've done thator said that.
And I'm like, No, I'm turninginto my mom.
Yeah.
So I think you're so right,Angie, that like, this is
something that's new for so manypeople, like not just from a
cultural perspective orgenerational perspective.
(36:16):
like I, I, yeah, like it is abit of both and, and so I think
we're all just kind of likemuddling through this together
and in the moment sometimes it'shard to remember, but like, you
know, like, yeah, we're notalone and like, we're not, we're
probably not going to like scarour kids for life, if we're, you
(36:42):
know, doing the best that we.
Kristy (36:46):
And I just wanna point out, we didn't bring you onto
the show because we were like,Oh my God, I haven't, She's the
expert because no matter if, youknow, whatever role we take on,
Whether that's being a newparent, whether it's, in a
professional role, whether it'sjust understanding what it's
like to be an adult.
(37:08):
No one really knows what they'redoing.
And I think the best and mostcomforting thing is to know that
other people also don't knowwhat they're doing, but we just
all try our best.
It's not like we're just gonnafuck around, you know, but we're
all just trying our best but itdoesn't mean that we're all
experts in, in this role or thistitle.
(37:33):
And at the end of the day, it'scomforting to know that, oh,
other people also only have alittle bit of a clue, and that
means I'm not messed up.
That means I'm not inferior.
Like we're all just trying tofigure it out.
And the more we have theseconversations, the more we get
(37:53):
to realize that that's true.
Otherwise, it's just we'rehaving these conversations in
our own heads and that's whatmakes it feel lonely
Angie (38:02):
And that's why we started the podcast because we were
having these conversations of,you know, doubt and anxiety and
depression in our own headswe're like, Well, if we talk
about it, then people will feelless lonely.
And Vinci, when you said like,sometimes like when I'm
parenting, like when I'm tryingto figure out this parenting
thing, I feel very lonely andI'm like, oh my God.
(38:24):
Like that's another thing thatjust needs to be talked about.
We just need to make it so clearthat, you know, it's not, it's
so hard because like, I, I feellike I see a lot of, Instagrams
with like moms and familieswhere they post like the best
photo that they have or post thebest memories they have, and it
makes you feel even more lonelybecause you're like, That's not
(38:46):
my, that's not my life.
Like, that's like maybe like 10%of it.
And then we forget that that'slike 10% for them too.
So like, these are conversationswe need to be have.
and yeah, we, when I said likeVinci, like yourself, I mean
like, we don't have kids, so wegotta invite somebody to like
yourself to come on and talkabout your experience.
And that's something I justlearned from you is like,
(39:06):
parenting can be very lonely.
And I was like, Wow.
I had never thought about itlike that before.
Vincci (39:13):
Yeah, like, because I think there, there are like so
many pressures out there, orlike, especially with like the
proliferation of like mom blogsor like mom influencers.
There's definitely a lot more interms of like what makes a, a.
A good mom.
(39:33):
and like, yeah, just very sillythings like obviously like being
a dietician, I'm like morefamiliar with the food side of
things, but I'm sure there'slike other stuff too that like
people and I have felt pressurearound, like even, you know,
even like I was mentioningearlier, that like that Cassia
(39:53):
has a bladder infection rightnow.
I had actually missed it forlike several days because we
were all just getting betterfrom Covid and, and so it
didn't, so it took us a while tolike finally realize that she
had a bladder infection and thenget her to the doctor and start
on antibiotics.
And so it's just been like a,like a long, like, it's just
(40:16):
been a really tough course forher.
And I've like, felt so guilty,like, oh, like why didn't I pick
it up earlier?
Like, why didn't I take her tothe doctor sooner?
And it's like, Viji, it's cuzyou had covid and you couldn't
go anywhere.
But like, but then recently onTwitter, like someone had
tweeted, you know, like my sonwas like grabbing my stu his
(40:37):
stomach all the time and sayingowie like finally we went to
emergency.
And it turns out like he hadsomething called inter
subception or something, which Ithink has to do with like, I
dunno, the organ, like the, likethe organs internally somehow,
like, and so like now he's fineand sleeping and like the, the
replies had like so many peoplebeing like, Yeah, you know, like
(41:00):
my kid was sick and I didn'tknow for days.
And then we finally got them tothe doctor and like, thank God
they're fine.
But it was like, oh my gosh,like, yeah, like this just
happened to me.
And like in a case that's noteven as severe as interception,
but I did feel awful, like justkind of like, why didn't I
(41:20):
realize earlier that this waswhat it was and started her on
antibiotics sooner.
so yeah.
So you know, like we're allmuddling through and mm-hmm and
we're doing the best that wecan.
Kristy (41:33):
And I think that's the, the best takeaway from today's
episode.
We started talking about, youknow, breaking the generational
cycle of Asian parenting.
And I think I had my owndefinitions of what that meant.
And I think we all have our owndefinitions of what that means.
And there's probably a lot ofoverlap.
But throughout this conversationwe also learned that it's, it's
(41:55):
not just within the Asianculture and it's not just about
generational differences.
It can be, and it could also bea whole bunch of other things.
And to change the way that, youknow,
Angie (42:11):
I'm okay.
You.
Kristy (42:12):
we become parents ourselves is to think about what
we had wanted from our parentsand then be that person.
And soft parenting, I'm justgonna put air quote soft
parenting which is what Anj haddescribed as the soothing like
(42:33):
part three of that diagram.
Maybe we'll find that diagramand we'll link it in the show
notes, is really teaching kidshow to trust their own senses,
trust their emotions, learn howto process when things are not
so great when.
Things feel a certain way.
(42:54):
And I think rather than seeingit as a, you know, soft or a
weak way to parent, we'reactually building resilience and
strength.
And that's something that we,many of us did not get to
experience growing up.
That's why we're learning aboutit as adults and we're like, Oh
my gosh, there's so many thingsI have to unlearn, but also
(43:16):
relearn as well.
How do I trust my own senses andemotions and process things and
recognize trauma?
You know?
And at the end of the day, we'reall just trying to do the best
we can, whether you're a parentor in any other role that you
might have in your life.
(43:36):
And at the end of the day, justhave some self-compassion as we
try to do the best that we cando.
So thank you for that.
Vincci (43:47):
You summarized all that we talked about, so Well, And
like, just to kind of add on acouple things to what Christie
said, like when we're talkingabout the soothing system, it's,
I think sometimes it's calledco-regulating.
So if you can't find anythingunder like, soothing system, if
you search like maybeco-regulating, maybe you can
(44:08):
find, more information on that.
And another resource that hasbeen very helpful for me has
been untacking.
Like, cuz it's like specificallylike written by an Asian person.
I know I even mentioned to youguys like that I've kind of been
(44:28):
not a hundred percent into itbecause for, Iris who created
untiring, like Untacking alsoincludes unschooling.
And I'm not a hundred percentinto unschooling.
Yet slash ever Just cuz like, I,I don't think I would have the
patience to like dohomeschooling.
Kristy (44:47):
What's unschooling?
Just
Vincci (44:50):
it's ba I think it's like a form of.
Unschooling or a form ofhomeschooling.
Sorry, that's even like lessstructured.
Like I think there is, like,there are some people who do
homeschooling, but like they doit very like close to the
government curriculum.
And I think unschooling is evenmore like, you know, let your
(45:13):
kids take the lead.
Like self-directed stuff likethat.
Like that's kind of theimpression that I get from, what
unschooling is.
And I'm just like, I do not I amnot the, the unschooling type.
Like I, I don't think I'm readyto let go of everything else
that I have in my life to likecommit to, you know, being like
(45:37):
the teacher for my kid.
And, but I think one of thethings about Iris's story that
like I tend to hold onto is thatlike she didn't start doing this
new way of parenting until Ithink her oldest kid was eight.
So like, when I like hear that,I'm like, oh, like, or
(45:57):
especially when I have mymoments where I'm like, ugh, I'm
like dipping into being veryauthoritarian or, I said
something that I didn't, thatdidn't come out right or in the
tone that didn't come out likethe way that I wanted to, then I
kind of remember Okay, like it'snot too late.
Iris Chen didn't start until herkid was eight years old.
Kristy (46:22):
look at that self-compassion that you're
giving yourself.
Just recognize that work too.
Vici,
Vincci (46:30):
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Kristy (46:34):
Our last question What are you currently doing for
yourself?
right now for self care, Ihesitate on self-care.
because it becomes such abuzzword.
But what is something that youare currently doing for
yourself?
Period.
Vincci (46:48):
Well, one of the things that I got really into like this
year was like planning withlike, and like doing like
planner spreads with like washytape and stickers and stuff like
that.
and so like one of the shopsthat I follow, like her YouTube
channel, like, so she has one ofthe, she has a journal.
(47:10):
Or a planner called the HoChicousin and it has like a weekly
section and a daily section.
And so like she, journals likein her daily section and like
watching her channel in inspiredme to start journaling.
So I've been journaling everyday since April 1st, or even
earlier than that this year.
(47:31):
cuz I have an April start HoChilike, here it is.
viewers can't see it, but I'mlike just kind of flipping
through.
It's like stickers and washy andjournaling.
but yeah, I've been journalingevery day and some, and
sometimes it's like not verydeep.
Sometimes this is just like,this is what happened today.
And other times there are likethings that are a little more, I
(47:52):
don't know.
I don't know.
I don't, I think pro sayingprofound would give myself too
much credit, but just like, likeyeah, like other stuff is just
more like personal andemotional.
That's a better way to phraseit.
yeah, so that's something thatI've been doing is journaling
every.
Kristy (48:07):
I love that.
I'm a big fan of journaling, so,And, and your journal looked
great just seeing you flipthrough the pages, there's like
different colors.
The washy tapes are there.
You're doing some like letteringI saw from what I, from what you
had shown.
Thank you again for hanging outwith us today, Vici, and sharing
(48:27):
your stories and where can someof our proof troops find you?
Vinci
Vincci (48:32):
poop troops.
Okay.
Kristy (48:34):
It's what we call our listeners.
They voted
Vincci (48:36):
right.
Oh, okay.
Well, poof Troops.
Well, it's like, like, you know,in Christie's intro earlier on
in the show, I like my, most ofmy online presence is
professional, so you can find methrough like my dietician
website.
it's, it's my name, It's vincichoy.com and I'll spell it.
It's V I n c C I t S u i.com.
(48:58):
And, and yeah, and I'm onInstagram or Twitter or
Facebook, at Vinci r d.
Kristy (49:05):
Awesome.
And of course everything will bein the show notes.
Vincci (49:08):
Thanks so much for having me.
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