October 30, 2025 • 71 mins
Welcome to today’s episode, where we’re adventuring into the wide, wild world of autism- because let’s face it, there’s a lot of misinformation out there. We’ll start with the DSM criteria, which is basically the official list of things that make up autism, and guess what, bestie: it’s not as cut-and-dry as some would like you to believe.
You can email questions in to Michelle@ONeilCounseling.com and I'm going to compile them all into a bonus episode with your questions and my answers!
Join us on the O'Neil Counseling app here: https://www.oneilcounseling.com/app-landing-page
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Welcome to today's episode, where we're adventuring into the
wide, wild world of autism. Because let's face it, there's a
lot of misinformation out there.We'll start with the DSM
criteria, which is basically theofficial list of things that
make up autism. And guess what, bestie?
(00:23):
It's not as cut and dry as some would like you to believe.
It's more than a checklist of behaviors that doctors check off
while making you feel like you're reading a manual for
assembling IKEA furniture. Then we're going to talk about
how autism is portrayed in the media, which, let's be honest,
(00:44):
is usually about as accurate as a toddler trying to draw a
giraffe from the quirky genius stereotype to the idea that all
autistic people are somehow socially awkward or lack
empathy. News flash, that's absolutely
not true. The media's version of autism
could use a serious overhaul, and then we're going to set the
(01:07):
record straight on what autism is not.
It's not just a disorder or something to be fixed, and it's
definitely not the one-size-fits-all caricature the
media loves to sell. Autism is diverse, complex and
unique to every individual and we're here to break it all down
(01:28):
for you. So grab a seat and let's unpack
the truth about autism straight up and no filter.
Let's get into it. OK, now that we've torn off the
(01:49):
intro wrapper, let's talk about autism.
Minus the pity party, fear mongering, or Rain Man reruns.
Let's get one thing straight right out of the gate.
Autism isn't some mysterious tragic puzzle waiting to be
solved. It's not a quirky character
(02:09):
trope, A childhood tragedy, or something you can diagnosed
based on someone's eye contact and preferred snack foods.
It's a neurodevelopmental condition.
Yes, that's the clinical term. But more than that, it's a whole
different way of experiencing the world, one that's often
(02:31):
misunderstood, mislabeled, and way too often minimized.
Whether you're autistic, wondering if you might be, or
just trying to not be wildly ignorant about the people around
you, this is for you. Because the goal isn't to make
autistic people fit better into the world, it's to make the
(02:55):
world suck less for autistic people.
All right, let's break down thissparkly gem of DSM speak into
something that doesn't feel likeit was written by a committee of
robots on decaf Autism Spectrum disorder.
AKAASD is what we call a neurodevelopmental condition,
(03:20):
which is basically a fancy way of saying your brain was wired a
little differently from the jump.
Not better, not worse, just operating on a different
frequency than what the world has labeled as default settings.
And while society loves to treatdifferent like a glitch, spoiler
(03:40):
alert, it's not the persistent challenges in social
communication and interaction part.
That doesn't mean autistic people are antisocial robots who
hate eye contact and live under rocks.
It means the unspoken rules of social life, the ones
(04:01):
neurotypicals seem to download like an automatic software
update, can feel confusing, exhausting, or totally
irrelevant. Stuff like small talk, reading
between the lines, or knowing when to laugh at someone's joke,
even if it wasn't funny, might not come naturally.
(04:22):
Not because autistic people don't care, but because their
brains aren't set up to process that stuff the same way.
Imagine trying to play charades while everyone else is secretly
reading from a script. Yeah, that.
Then we've got the restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior,
(04:46):
interests, or activities. This is the part people love to
boil down to. Oh, they just really like
trains. And yes, maybe they do.
But it's more than that. It's about finding comfort,
regulation, and joy in routines,in repetition, in diving deep
(05:11):
into specific interests instead of skimming the surface of a
million things just to seem well-rounded.
Whether it's lining up objects, rewatching a favorite show on
loop, or hyper focusing on ancient Roman aqueducts.
Because why not? These patterns aren't random.
(05:34):
They're meaningful. They're self soothing.
They're a way of engaging with aworld that often feels
overwhelming and unpredictable. So no, autism isn't some tragic
collection of deficits. It's a different operating
system. The problem isn't the system,
(05:57):
it's the fact that the user manual was written for an
entirely different model of brain.
And maybe instead of forcing autistic people to mimic
neurotypical behavior like emotional ventriloquists, we
could just learn how to speak their language too.
(06:19):
Let's talk about how the DSM 5 rolls out the criteria for
autism Spectrum disorder, because wow, do they love a
list. Basically, for someone to get
that official ASD diagnosis, it's not enough to just not vibe
(06:39):
with small talk or be obsessed with a niche hobby.
You've got to hit multiple checkboxes across 2 main domains,
social communication difficulties and restricted or
repetitive behaviors. It's like the world's worst game
of bingo, except instead of a prize you get misunderstood by
(07:02):
your peers and gas lit by the education system, starting with
a persistent deficits in social communication and interaction.
This isn't about being shy or awkward.
It's deeper than that. We're talking about challenges
that show up across multiple settings.
(07:23):
Not just oh, they're quiet at parties, but more like this
person's brain does not naturally download the social
software upgrade updates everyone else seems to get
overnight. For example, social emotional
reciprocity, which is a clunky way of saying conversations
(07:45):
don't work the same here. Maybe there's less back and
forth banter, less sharing of emotions, or a total meh
response to someone's story about their cousin's wedding.
It's not coldness, it's a different way of engaging.
(08:06):
Some folks don't instinctively know that.
How are you Means please lie andsay fine so we can move on.
Then we've got nonverbal communication deficits, which
means reading or using body language, facial expressions or
(08:27):
tone of voice can be trickery tricky.
So yeah, that they looked at me.Weird thing that neurotypicals
obsess over that might not even register.
Or it might register way too much.
Either way, the signals are getting crossed.
(08:47):
Maybe there's a flat tone of voice, a lack of eye contact, or
expressive gestures that don't quite match the vibe of the
room. And yet again, people assume
that means someone's being rude,bored, or disinterested when
they're just being. And of course, the cherry on
(09:10):
top? Difficulties with relationships.
Not because autistic people don't want friends, but because
decoding the constantly shiftingrules of social life is like
being thrown into an escape roomwith no clues and no one
explaining what the hell is going on.
Figuring out how to act differently at work versus a
(09:33):
party versus a group chat is exhausting and often not
intuitive. So yeah, making or maintaining
relationships can be hard. Not for lack of desire, but
because the social manual was printed in a language no one
translate it. Now let's move on to B
(09:58):
Restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior, interests,
or activities, AKA the part thatgets wildly oversimplified into
quirky behaviors and niche fixations.
To meet criteria here, at least two flavors of this must be
(10:20):
present. First up, repetitive movements
or speech. Think hand flapping, rocking
echolalia, which is repeating words or phrases or lining
things up with surgical precision.
These aren't weird habits, they're often self regulation
(10:41):
tools or sensory feedback loops.It's not about being dramatic,
it's about surviving in a world that feels like it's on Max
volume 24/7. Next we've got rigidity and
sameness. This is the do not touch my
routine unless you want chaos. Category changes, no matter how
(11:05):
small, can feel like someone moved all the furniture in your
brain. There might be distress over
schedule changes, very specific ways things need to be done, or
repeated questions not because someone forgot the answer, but
because the ritual of asking brings calm.
(11:27):
This is comfort through control,not inflexible inflexibility for
the hell of it. Then there's the infamous
intense, fixated interests. These aren't casual hobbies.
These are full on deep dives that could put a PhD program to
(11:48):
shame. Autistic people often have a
specific interest or topic they could talk about for hours.
And yes it might be trains, but it could just as easily be moths
historical bad historical battletactics, or the exact release
(12:09):
dates of every Studio Ghibli film.
The issue isn't the intensity, it's society acting like passion
is only acceptable when it's mainstream.
Lastly, in this category, sensory processing differences.
And let me be clear, this is notoh I'm a little sensitive to
(12:32):
noise. This is full body panic inducing
overload from fluorescent lights, itchy tags, sudden
noises or smells that make you want to leap out of your skin.
Or on the flip side, it could bea need for more input, wanting
to spin, bounce, crash, chew, orflap because it feels good.
(12:59):
Sensory stuff isn't an accessoryto autism, it's central to how
the world is experienced Now. Moving on to C through E, which
are basically the fine print. Symptoms must be present in
early development, even if they didn't cause problems right
away. This means someone might have
(13:19):
flown under the radar until social demands ramped up, like
when school became an A social obstacle course or adulting hit
like a brick. Then the symptoms have to cause
real life disruption. We are talking interference with
school, work, relationships, or daily functioning.
It's not just oh they're a little different.
(13:42):
It has to be life impacting. And finally, you can't blame
this all on something else. If the behaviors are better
explained by a different condition, the autism diagnosis
doesn't stick. Basically, it's got to be autism
doing the heavy lifting here, not something else.
(14:03):
Now, because the DSM 5 can't resist slapping a label on a
label, they went ahead and addedseverity levels to Autism
Spectrum disorder. Kind of like ordering your ASD
diagnosis and mild medium are hot.
And while the intent might be toguide support needs, the reality
(14:24):
is that these levels often get misused to box people in,
minimize their struggles, or gatekeep access to services.
But I digress. Let's decode what they actually
mean. Level 1 requiring support is
often referred to as the You're doing pretty OK, but social
(14:46):
stuff is still a full body cringe level.
Folks at Level 1 might have a hard time starting or
maintaining conversations, get thrown off when their routine
changes, or struggle to go with the flow when the group project
suddenly turns into emotional karaoke.
They're often expected to just try harder because they can
(15:09):
sometimes pass as neurotypical. But spoiler, masking is
exhausting, and just because someone seems fine doesn't mean
they're not metaphorically whiteknuckling through every
interaction like it's hostage negotiation.
These folks need support. It's just not always visible
(15:33):
unless you know what to look for.
Level 2 requiring substantial support kicks things up a notch.
Here we're talking about more obvious difficulties with verbal
and non verbal communication anda much lower tolerance for
surprise plot twists in daily life.
(15:55):
Think social scripts and short circuiting, mid convo, distress
when routines are broken and environments that feel like
sensory warfare. These folks aren't just
introverted or quirky, they're dealing with a world that feels
fundamentally incompatible most of the time.
(16:18):
Substantial support here means consistent structure,
understanding communication differences, and not acting
shocked when they meltdown aftera last minute schedule change
that would make anyone scream internally.
Level 3 requiring very substantial support is the DSM's
(16:42):
way of saying OK everything is hard and this person needs a lot
of help to get through daily life.
Communication may be very limited or entirely non verbal,
behavior can be extremely rigid or intense, and even minor
changes might cause full on distress meltdowns.
(17:02):
Not tantrums, not drama, Real overwhelming nervous system on
fire meltdowns. These individuals often need
round the clock care or highly specialized support, and
honestly, the system still failsthem constantly because it's
(17:22):
built for convenience, not compassion.
But here's the kicker. These levels don't define value,
intelligence, or worthiness. They're not a personality scorer
or a how Art, how autistic are you quiz.
(17:45):
They're just meant to help professionals understand the
amount of external support someone needs, not judge their
internal experience or flatten them into a checklist.
Because autism isn't linear or one-size-fits-all.
Someone might be level one in a quiet environment and Level 3
(18:09):
during holiday dinner with extended family and a
malfunctioning smoke alarm. Context matters.
People fluctuate and every leveldeserves understanding, not
condescension, pity, or the everpopular you don't look autistic
(18:29):
line. So now that we've laid out the
DSMS greatest hits criteria, severity levels and all its
bullet point brilliance, it's time to talk about where this
whole framework still kind of flops.
(18:49):
Because as much as it gives us structure, yay insurance codes,
it also leaves a lot of nuance on the cutting room floor.
This number one, you can't be autistic if you're social.
Ah yes, the fan favorite misunderstanding, brought to you
(19:10):
by people who think autism is just a fancy word for doesn't
make eye contact and avoids birthday parties.
Let's be very clear. Being autistic does not mean
you're allergic to people. It doesn't mean you're doomed to
a life of social exile living ina cave with your collection of
(19:31):
vintage calculators. It does often mean that
socializing comes with a few more pop quizzes, invisible
rules, and moments of wait. Was that sarcasm or are they mad
at me? Autistic folks can be incredibly
social. Some are bubbly, chatty, and
(19:53):
will talk your ear off about their favorite niche interest if
you give them half a second and a decently enthusiastic nod.
Others might prefer one-on-one connections, online friendships
or deep conversations over the kind of social gymnastics
required at half office happy hours.
(20:15):
The difference isn't about desire.
It's about how we communicate, how we process interaction, and
how much bandwidth we have before the social battery goes
into critical meltdown mode. What's actually common is that
autistic people often struggle with the unwritten, unspoken,
(20:36):
and frequently contradictory rules of neurotypical social
interaction. You know, smile, but not too
much. Make eye contact but not too
intensely. Show interest but don't
monologue. Be honest but not too honest.
(20:58):
Honestly, it's like trying to play a game where everyone else
was handed the instruction manual at birth and you're just
out here guessing what counts asnormal human behavior while
internally screaming. And when autistic folks do
manage to act social enough, it's often because they've
(21:19):
trained themselves to mimic the expected behaviors, not because
it's easy or natural. That's masking.
And while it can be helpful short term, long term it's like
emotionally cosplaying someone you're not just to make other
(21:40):
people comfortable. Exhausting doesn't even begin to
cover it. So yeah, someone can be the life
of the party and autistic. They can have a big friend group
and be autistic. They can host a podcast, give a
Ted talk, or work in HR and still be autistic.
(22:07):
Because autism isn't about beinga loner, it's about how your
brain processes social interaction, not whether you
like people. TLDR social does not equal
neurotypical. And if someone tells you you're
too social to be autistic, you have my full permission to stare
(22:32):
directly into their soul and say, well that's not how it
works Karen myth #2 you're high functioning so it's not a big
deal. Ah yes, the backhanded Gold Star
of the autism world. High functioning is one of those
(22:56):
terms that sounds helpful on paper, but in real life is just
a dressed up way of saying you seem normal enough that I'm
going to ignore your actual needs.
It's the equivalent of telling someone you don't look like
you're drowning so I'm just going to leave you in the deep
end with no floaties. Good luck.
(23:18):
This label gets thrown around constantly, often by people who
are trying to reassure you but end up minimizing your
experience instead. What it really means is your
struggles aren't inconvenient enough for me to acknowledge
them. You hold a job, you can make eye
(23:39):
contact. You remembered my birthday and
didn't rock in a corner during the party?
Wow, you must be fine. But what they didn't see is the
behind the scenes chaos, the hours of mental prep for every
social event, the sensory hangovers after existing in
(24:01):
fluorescent lighting all day, the meltdown you had in your car
before walking into work like everything's peachy.
High functioning people are often experts at masking, at
playing the role of competent adult while internally trying
not to spontaneously combust. Its performance art.
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It's survival. It's draining as hell.
And here's the kicker, functioning labels are
completely arbitrary. You might be high functioning at
9:00 AM with your noise cancelling headphones,
color-coded calendar and pre scripted replies, but by 3:00
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PM, after a last minute meeting,a surprise fire drill, and
Brenda microwaving fish in the office kitchen, you're suddenly
low functioning and lying on thebathroom floor trying to
remember how to breathe. Your functioning changes based
on context, support, and how many metaphorical knives you've
(25:11):
had to judge juggle in that day.These labels don't help, they
harm. They create expectations that if
you can do something once, you should be able to do it.
Always. They make people feel like
failures when they burn out, andthey keep folks from getting
(25:33):
support because they don't look autistic enough to be taken
seriously. So no, being high functioning
doesn't mean you have it easy. It just means you've gotten
really good at looking OK while silently panicking.
And if someone tries to minimizeyour needs with this label, feel
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free to let them know you're only high functioning at
pretending to be fine for their comfort.
Myth #3 Autism mostly effects boys.
Oh, this one. The dusty old myth that just
(26:20):
refuses to die. This gem comes from decades of
research that was laser focused on white cisgender boys who
lined up toy cars and had publicmeltdowns and then decided that
(26:43):
was the autistic blueprint. Congratulations patriarchy,
you've officially made autism your own exclusive club complete
with gate let, gatekeeping and diagnostic blind spots.
The truth. Autism absolutely does not only
affect boys. It affects everyone.
(27:06):
Girls, women, non binary folks, trans folks, people of color,
people who stem discreetly and mask like it's a full time job.
But for years anyone who didn't match the classic presentation,
AKA externally obvious, disruptive or boy shaped traits
(27:31):
was overlooked, misdiagnosed, orflat out told they were just
anxious, sensitive or going through a phase.
Let's talk about why this myth sticks around.
Because autistic girls and gender diverse folks present
differently. They might be more socially
(27:54):
aware, but not always socially successful, more likely to mask
or mimic peers, more tuned into social cues.
Even if they don't always understand them, they may force
themselves into uncomfortable situations just to seem normal,
and then collapse from burnout later.
(28:19):
Meanwhile, the diagnostic tools we've been using still based on
outdated models built around howboys tend to present.
It's like trying to find a zebrausing a giraffe detector.
Of course you're going to miss it.
And if you add race into the mix, the disparities get even
(28:42):
worse. Black and brown children are
more likely to be misdiagnosed with behavioral disorders,
labeled as troublemakers, or simply dismissed altogether.
Autistic traits in BIPOC individuals are frequently
misunderstood, pathologized, or ignored because systemic bias is
(29:03):
doing its thing loudly and unapologetically.
So yeah, autism is not a boys club, that's just who got
studied, diagnosed and centered.Everyone else got left out of
the conversation or told they couldn't possibly be autistic
because they made eye contact once in 2009.
(29:27):
It's time to retire this myth and update the narrative.
Autism doesn't have a gender. It doesn't have a look.
It doesn't come with a default setting.
If someone tells you they're autistic, believe them.
Don't ask. If they're sure, don't respond
with. But you're so social, smart,
(29:49):
articulate, female. Just say cool thanks for
trusting me and then go unlearn everything you picked up from
the good doctor myth #4 Autism looks the same in everyone.
(30:13):
Ah yes, the classic cookie cutter fallacy where autism is
treated like A1 size fits all personality preset.
According to this myth, if you've met one autistic person,
Congrats, you now apparently understand every autistic person
(30:33):
ever. Spoiler you don't.
And also, please stop acting like you've unlocked the secret
level of neurodivergence just because your cousin's roommate's
kid is into Minecraft and doesn't like loud noises.
Autism is called a spectrum for a reason and not the boring
(30:54):
grayscale kind. Think full neon paint splatter
chaos. Traits vary from person to
person in terms of intensity, visibility, and how they're
expressed. Some autistic people are non
speaking, some are hyper verbal,some love routine, others thrive
(31:20):
in creative chaos but meltdown in fluorescent lighting.
Some stem visibly, others internally.
Some are math Wizards, some are artists, some are both, and some
don't care about either because their passion is obscure antique
(31:40):
doorknobs. The point is, it's all valid,
but media and pop culture love their stereotypes, so the same
caricature keeps showing up likea party guest no one invited.
Awkward white male, monotone, emotionally flat and obsessed
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with something like trains or toothpicks.
When that's all people see, theyassume that's what autism is.
Anything outside of that narrow mold must not count.
Must be something else. Must be not autistic enough.
This myth is particularly dangerous because it invalidates
(32:28):
people's experiences when they don't look autistic to someone's
untrained eye. It leads to late diagnosis,
missed support, and a whole lot of unnecessary questioning both
from others and internally. Am I autistic enough?
(32:48):
Do I really belong in this community?
That kind of doubt hits hard when the world acts like autism
only comes in one flavor, vanilla.
Awkward. But let's be clear, autism isn't
a personality type. It's a neurodevelopmental
(33:09):
condition that shows up differently depending on the
person, the day, the context, and how much sensory hell
they've already endured. There's no such thing as a
typical autistic person, and theidea that everyone should look,
act, and function the same way isn't just wrong, it's ableist.
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So the next time someone says you don't seem autistic, feel
free to reply with that's because you're the idea of
autism is based on one bad TV show and even worse assumptions.
And then go live your gloriouslyunique neurodivergent life.
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Because if you've met one autistic person, you've met one
autistic person. Full stop.
Now about that masking, AKA the neurodivergent version of
method. Asking, acting no one asked for.
(34:18):
It's when autistic folks suppress, hide, or edit their
natural behaviors in order to blend in.
Think of it like internal PR management.
OK team, let's smile vaguely, make eye contact for exactly 3.5
seconds, nod periodically, laughwhen they laugh, And for the
(34:41):
love of all that is sensory safe, don't STEM too obviously
in public. It's a non-stop internal
monologue of performing what other people expect, even when
it feels awkward, unnatural, or downright soul crashing.
And sure, masking might help youavoid being bullied in middle
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school or overlooked in job interviews, but it comes at a
massive cost. You're essentially rewriting
your every interaction like you're in a one person improv
show called Please Like Me even though I'm dying inside you.
Mimic tones, copy body language,rehearse what normal people say
(35:31):
in casual conversation. Pro tip, there are no normal
people and often apologize for things that literally aren't
your fault just to smooth thingsover.
You're playing human Tetris in real time, squeezing your square
(35:51):
self into round holes and pretending it doesn't hurt.
And the worst part, it usually works.
People say things like but you seem so outgoing or you don't
look autistic, as if that's a compliment and not low key
(36:12):
erasure wrapped in neurotypical approval.
Because when you mask successfully, your needs become
invisible. No one sees the sensory
overload, the social hangover, the internal screaming.
You're exhausted, but everyone around you thinks you're totally
(36:34):
fine because your performance was that convincing.
The DSM, bless its clinical little heart, throws a casual
nod toward difficulty initiatingor responding to social
interaction. But it completely glosses over
the Olympic level mental gymnastics that go into masking.
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Like, oh cool, you noticed we sometimes have trouble making
friends. But did you clock the hours
spent scripting how to ask someone to hang out without
sounding clingy, weird, or like we're about to sell them
essential oils? No, shocking.
(37:19):
Long term masking doesn't just wear you out, it can straight up
wreck your mental health. It leads to burnout, The kind
where you can't speak, think or function for days.
Anxiety, depression, and a creeping, crushing sense of
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identity confusion. After years of performing like
someone else, it's easy to lose track of who you actually are
underneath the mask. You become a patchwork of other
people's expectations, held together with social duct tape
and silent panic. And here's the infuriating
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thing. Masking is rarely recognized
unless someone's really paying attention, and most systems,
education, workplace healthcare,family dinners with Aunt Janet
aren't built for that. Masking is often mistaken for
(38:26):
progress, when really it's just people bending themselves into
unnatural shapes to avoid rejection.
So if someone finally lets the mask slip and you get a glimpse
of the real them, how they stem,how they speak, how they exist
(38:48):
without apology, don't shame it.Celebrate it.
Because that's not a breakdown, that's authenticity.
And frankly, it deserves a standing ovation and one final
colossal myth that the DSM tip toes around like it's afraid of
(39:11):
feeling anything autistic. Joy.
Yeah. Joy.
Not tragedy, not dysfunction, not.
Oh no. How sad.
We're talking about the electric, full body, soul
sparking joy that comes from being deeply connected to your
(39:35):
brain's favorite things. Things the DSM reduces to
restricted interests, like they're a bug in the in the
system instead of a beautiful feature.
Let's start with special interests, which get treated in
clinical writing like weird little obsessions you're
supposed to grow out of, but in reality they're a life force.
(40:00):
Autistic people don't dabble in interests, they dive into them
with the passion of 1000 caffeinated researchers.
Whether it's prehistoric sea creatures, transit maps, K pop
choreography, or the historical accuracy of medieval armor, that
(40:22):
kind of focused joy is not a problem, it's a superpower.
It's the kind of thing that lights up the brain, brings
clarity to chaos, and gives lifestructure and purpose.
You know what's boring? Lukewarm interest in eight
(40:44):
million things. You know what's vibrant as hell?
Knowing everything there is to know about something and loving
every second of it. And then there's stemming those
repetitive movements or sounds the DSM lists with the same
(41:06):
energy as warning labels on prescription bottles.
But let's be real. Stimming can be joy in motion.
Rocking, flapping, tapping, spinning.
These aren't meaningless ticks. Their self regulation, their
(41:28):
expression, their freedom. When the world feels
overwhelming, stimming is your body's way of saying, don't
worry, I've got us, let me get us back to baseline.
And sometimes it's not even about regulating.
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Sometimes it's just fun. And when was the last time a
clinical definition acknowledgedthat something could be joyful
and autistic? Let's also talk about the
comfort of routine. Neurotypicals love to
(42:12):
romanticize structure when it's a morning yoga class and a
planner from Target. But call it a rigid routine the
second an autistic person relieson it to feel safe.
Guess what? Predictability can be delicious.
(42:32):
Knowing what's coming. Having rituals.
Loving sameness. It's not pathological.
It's peace. It's stability in a world that
is frankly chaotic and overstimulating 90% of the time.
(42:52):
And then there's the big one, the autistic lens itself.
The way autistic folks experience the world isn't
broken, it's just different. It's often more honest, more
curious, more emotionally attuned to authenticity over
(43:17):
small talk. When you're not filtering
everything through neurotypical expectations, you notice details
others miss. You question social scripts.
You ask the real questions and you love with your whole damn
(43:38):
self. That's not a deficit.
It's a kind of clarity the rest of the world would be lucky to
learn from. So when the DSM talks about
autism only in terms of impairments and challenges, it
erases all of that. It misses the creativity, the
(44:00):
intensity, the resilience, the magic.
Because autism isn't just a listof what's wrong, it's a whole
world view. And if we only define it by what
it lacks, we fail to see what itadds.
(44:21):
Let's stop treating autistic joylike a glitch in the Matrix.
It's not an exception to the diagnosis, it's a vital part of
it. And if the DSM can't make room
for that, then maybe it needs a revision.
So yes, the DSM gives us a starting point, a blueprint, a
(44:44):
diagnostic map, a clinical breakdown with lots of colons
and bullet points. And, and sure, it's useful.
It helps people get answers, access support and explain
what's been going on internally when the world's just been
calling them too sensitive or weird batted eye contact since
(45:06):
birth. But let's not kid ourselves, the
DSM is not the Holy Grail of understanding autism.
It's a tool. It's a vibe, Jack.
It is not the full picture because real understanding that
(45:26):
comes from actually listening toautistic people, not diagnosing
them from across the room like some kind of neurotypical
wildlife expert with a clipboard.
It comes from hearing people describe their own lived
experience in their own words, with all the nuance,
(45:47):
contradiction, joy, and frustration that doesn't fit
neatly into a checklist. It comes from not assuming that
someone's autism is only valid if it looks like a character
from a a prestige drama about misunderstood geniuses.
(46:08):
It also means challenging our assumptions about eye contact,
about embassy, about appropriatebehavior, whatever the hell that
even means. It means realizing that half of
what's considered normal is justunspoken social fluff designed
(46:29):
to make neurotypicals feel comfortable, not universal
truths like who decided that stemming is weird but fidget
spinners are fine? Why is memorizing football stats
cool but knowing the entire genealogy of Greek gods is
(46:50):
obsessive? Why is avoiding small talk at a
party suspicious, but faking interest in Chad's fantasy
league is admirable? Here's the truth.
Normal is a myth, a glitch in the Matrix, a concept invented
(47:12):
by people who were terrified of difference and wanted everyone
to act like background characters in a Hallmark movie.
But neurodiversity blows that whole thing wide open.
And thank God, because normal was getting so boring.
When we let go of the idea that everyone should think, feel,
(47:36):
socialize, or express themselvesthe same way.
We don't just make the world better for autistic people, we
make it better for everyone. More honest, more flexible, more
real. Because the moment we stop
pathologizing difference and start celebrating
(47:57):
neurodiversity, we stop asking how do we make you fit in and
start asking what do you need tothrive?
So yeah, the DSM might get the party started, but if we
actually want to understand autism, we got to put down the
(48:20):
clipboard, shut up for a second,and listen to autistic voices.
They're not broken. They're not failed
neurotypicals. They're fully human with a
perspective that just might makethe rest of us rethink what
humanity actually means. And now let's get into the
(48:45):
wildly chaotic, often cringe worthy roller coaster that is
autism representation in media where stereotypes run rampant,
nuance takes a back seat, and Hollywood seems to think
autistic just means genius robotwith no emotions and one hobby.
(49:07):
We all know representation matters.
Seeing people like you reflectedin stories honestly, messily,
accurately can be life changing.It helps people understand
themselves, feel seen, and sometimes even realize, oh, that
might be me. But here's the kicker.
(49:30):
For every step forward, media somehow manages to trip over its
own shoelaces, crash into a pileof cliches, and call it
groundbreaking. Let's start with the media's
favorite go to the white male savant.
This guy is everywhere. Counting cards in Rain Man,
(49:52):
diagnosing rare diseases in The Good Doctor, solving impossible
math equations in A Beautiful Mind, or confusing sarcasm in
The Big Bang Theory. And don't let them fool you.
Yes, Sheldon isn't officially autistic, but come on, we see
you. These characters are always
(50:15):
absurdly intelligent, emotionally detached, socially
awkward to the point of parody, and hyper focused on one niche
thing like trains or prime numbers.
They're not written as full humans, they're walking plot
devices. Their quirks are either Comic
(50:36):
Relief or tragic inspiration, and their actual humanity gets
squished down into Wow, he's So Smart but weird.
These portrayals send the message that autism equals
genius, and that your neurodivergence is only
acceptable if it comes with a side of savant superpowers.
(50:57):
Spoiler, most autistic people are not Rain Man, and equating
value with utility is not just inaccurate, it's dehumanizing.
Closely related is the Emotionless Robot trope.
These characters are clearly autistic coded, but never
(51:18):
explicitly labeled that way, probably to dodge
accountability. They're logical, rigid,
analytical, and apparently allergic to feelings.
Think Spock from Star Trek Data.Also Star Trek Sherlock Holmes
(51:39):
in basically every version, or Doctor Temperance Bones Brennan
from Bones. Writers use these traits to make
characters seem unknowable or other work otherworldly, as if
being different somehow makes you less human.
And while yes, some autistic folks do relate their factual
(52:04):
brains or literal language, reducing them to cold, robotic
caricatures just feeds into the dangerous myth that autistic
people don't have emotions. They do, often intensely.
They just may not show them the way neurotypicals expect.
(52:25):
Then there's the awkward Comic Relief archetype, which just
feels like a cruel joke wrapped in a sitcom script.
These are the characters who constantly miss social cues,
deliver hilariously blunt observations, and get used as
emotional training wheels for everyone else.
(52:46):
Think Sheldon again, a bed from Community, or Dwight from The
Office. These characters usually take a
dozen DSM boxes, but writers never come out and say the word
autism because that would require intentionality.
Instead, they rely on lazy shorthand, stiff posture,
(53:07):
monotone delivery, and 0 grasp of sarcasm.
The result? A character whose neurodivergent
traits are played for laughs instead of depth.
And while some viewers may see parts of themselves in these
roles, the overall take away is often look how socially clueless
(53:27):
they are. Which, yeah, no, that's not
representation, that's ridicule in a trench coat.
And of course we can't forget the all too popular Tragic
Burden narrowed it. This one tends to show up in
parent centre dramas and documentaries where the autistic
(53:51):
person exists solely to challenge the patience of
everyone around them. These stories prioritize the
neurotypical characters grief, stress and noble struggle to
cope with autism. The autistic person usually a
silent, overwhelmed child or worse, a prop for emotional
(54:15):
manipulation. Their voice is missing, their
agency is erased. The message is loud and clear.
Autism is a tragedy to manage, not an identity to respect.
It's trauma porn in a tasteful Instagram filter, and it's
exhausting. The biggest problem in all of
(54:39):
these portrayals? They ignore the massive, messy
middle ground of the autistic experience.
We rarely see autistic adults just living their lives, working
jobs, navigating relationships, paying taxes, arguing about
their favorite Pokémon. We don't see autistic women and
(55:01):
nine bit non binary people who are chronically underdiagnosed
and often mask their traits so well that media barely
acknowledges they exist. Autistic people of color,
practically invisible and non speaking autistic folks are
usually portrayed only as metaphors for silence, pain, or
(55:23):
what might have been. And where, for the love of all
that is good and neuro spicy is the joy?
Where are the stories that show autistic people thriving not
because they're cured or changedor finally learn to mimic the
neurotypical status quo, but because they've built lives that
(55:45):
actually fit them? Where's the passion, the humor,
the depth, the full blown human experience?
Because here's the thing. When media gets autism wrong,
and it frequently does, the consequences aren't just
annoying, they're harmful. These portrayals delay
(56:09):
diagnosis, especially for anyonewho doesn't fit the narrow
savant mold. They encourage masking because
autistic people learn early thatbeing themselves gets them
mocked, pitied or dismissed. And they misinform everyone
else. Teachers, therapists, Co workers
(56:30):
who absorb these scripts and start treating autistic traits
like punch lines or warning signs.
But there's good news. Some media is getting it right.
Everything's going to be OK. Features an autistic character
played by an actually autistic actor.
(56:52):
Actor revolutionary I know, as we see it, goes even further
with an autistic cast and autistic writers in the room.
Heartbreak High gave us Quinny, A queer autistic teen who is
complex, expressive, and very much not reduced to a trope.
(57:13):
Even children's media is catching on.
Pablo is a show voiced by autistic kids and centered
around their real experiences, and you can feel the difference.
These stories weren't created about autistic people, they were
created with them. When autistic folks get to tell
(57:34):
their own stories, the result isn't just more accurate, it's
more human. We get humor, we get depth.
We get weird, wonderful, contradictory, full spectrum
people who actually reflect reality.
So here's the bottom line. Autism representation in media
(57:57):
has historically ranged from cartoonish to catastrophically
inaccurate. But it doesn't have to stay that
way. We don't need more stereotypes.
We need storytelling with range,care, and actual input from the
people being portrayed. Autism isn't a genre, a plot
(58:19):
device, or a narrative sob story.
It's a real, diverse, and valid way of existing in the world,
and it deserves to be portrayed like it.
Speaking of diversity, let's talk about why autism is called
a spectrum. And no, it's not just because
(58:41):
psychologists like fancy words. It's because ASD doesn't show up
like a predictable checklist of symptoms that applies neatly
across the board. Autism is less one-size-fits-all
and more choose your own neurodivergent adventure.
One person might be fully verbal, highly independent, and
(59:02):
just need some support navigating social chaos like
small talk and office birthday parties.
Another might be non speaking and have significant sensory
needs and rely on structured support to get through daily
life. Neither is more autistic or less
autistic, they're just rocking different parts of the spectrum.
(59:24):
This is where the world tends toget confused because it loves a
clear binary. You're either high functioning
translation, your discomfort is invisible enough to not
inconvenience others, or you're low functioning translation
people decide things for you instead of with you.
(59:44):
Both labels are garbage. They erase the actual experience
of being autistic and ignore howsupport needs can vary wildly
depending on the day, the environment, or whether
someone's had enough sleep and access to their special
interest. And while we're here, support
needs do not equal intelligence.You can be brilliant and still
(01:00:12):
need help managing A sensory overload at Target.
You can be non speaking and still have a razor sharp inner
world. Autism isn't a straight line
from quirky genius to helpless child.
It's more like a color wheel of traits, strengths, struggles and
(01:00:32):
preferences. Some folks can mask their traits
well enough to fly under the radar for years or decades, only
to hit a wall of burnout becausetheir entire life has been a
performance. Others get diagnosed early, get
access to the right supports, and learn how to thrive on their
(01:00:53):
own terms. Both are valid, both are
autistic. Both deserve understanding, not
judgment. Or but you don't look autistic
commentary. That's why early diagnosis and
support can make such a huge difference.
Not because autism is something to fix, but because knowing how
(01:01:16):
your brain works gives you the tools to build a life that
actually fits. We're not trying to squeeze
square pegs into neurotypical holes here.
We're trying to help people livewith more self-awareness, more
compassion, and less daily sensory combat.
(01:01:37):
Therapies, accommodations and self understanding can turn
survival mode into something a little closer to thriving.
It's like trying going from trying to drive with the parking
brake on to finally realizing, oh, this car was supposed to be
a spaceship. So no, there's no one way autism
(01:02:01):
looks, feels, or functions. That's the whole point of the
spectrum. And now we're going to take a
peek into the deep, gritty, irreverent truth about masking
and late diagnosis, AKA the double whammy that too many
(01:02:21):
autistic people know way too well.
Let's start with masking, which despite sounding like a skin
care routine, is actually a fulltime, unpaid performance art
that a lot of autistic folks endup mastering just to survive.
In a world that expects everyoneto operate like default settings
(01:02:44):
are neurotypical, masking is when you consciously or
unconsciously hide your autistictraits to fit in.
It's mimicking social behaviors that don't come naturally.
Forcing eye contact even when itfeels like a laser beam to the
soul. Rehearsing responses to basic
questions like you're prepping for a job interview.
(01:03:06):
Stifling stems like hand flapping or rocking, replacing
them with more subtle ones like picking at your cuticles and
finger tapping and mentally Googling how do humans small
talk? Every time someone says how's
your day going, it's laughing atthe right time, even if you
don't understand the joke. It's strategically pretending to
(01:03:30):
be less overwhelmed than you arebecause you've learned that
being honest about your needs makes people uncomfortable.
Masking is a survival tactic, but make no mistake, it's
exhausting. It's emotional labor on
steroids. You're constantly calculating,
(01:03:51):
filtering, editing, and because it can be so effective, people
assume you're fine. Which means your needs get
ignored, your burnout goes unnoticed, and your internal
distress gets written off as being dramatic, anxious, or just
too sensitive. It's like running a marathon in
(01:04:13):
clown shoes while everyone applauds how graceful you look
walking. And here's the cruel irony.
The better someone is at masking, the longer they tend to
go undiagnosed, especially if they're not a textbook example
of what old school diagnostic tools expect.
(01:04:35):
Spoiler. Those tools were designed around
white cisgender boys who line uptoy trains and struggle with
direct communication. They didn't account for autistic
women, BIPOC, or gender diverse folks who may have grown up
hyper aware of social expectations and learned to
(01:04:55):
camouflage just to stay safe, accepted, or employable.
Which brings us to late diagnosis.
A whole emotional roller coasterin itself.
For many, it starts with this lingering sense of being off but
not knowing why. Maybe you've spent your life
(01:05:20):
being labeled as shy, intense, sensitive, cold, weird, anxious
too much or not enough. You've probably been
misdiagnosed. Hello anxiety I ADHD sub
depression. Dismissed or told to just try
(01:05:44):
harder. So you do you, try harder than
everyone you people please, overfunction, overthink and still
feel like you're failing at being a person.
Then, maybe through a random TikTok rabbit hole and overly
(01:06:06):
honest therapy session or pure existential fatigue, you start
wondering if it's not that you're broken.
Maybe you're just autistic. And suddenly things start
clicking. The sensory overwhelmed, the
(01:06:28):
need for routine, the social exhaustion that hits like a
hangover, the deep dives into hyper fixations that make you
light up even though people lookat you like you're unhinged.
It all starts to make sense. And let's be clear, a late
diagnosis doesn't mean you were faking before.
(01:06:53):
It means you've been doing an Olympic level masking routine
for years and your brain finallyhanded you a user manual.
It's a mix of grief and relief. Relief at finally having a name
for your experience. Grief for all the years you
(01:07:16):
spent trying to be someone else,wondering why you couldn't just
be normal and burning out under the weight of it.
The world tends to treat diagnosis like a pass fail exam.
Like if you didn't get caught asa kid then you must not really
(01:07:36):
be autistic. But autism doesn't magically
appear in adulthood. It was always there.
The support wasn't, the understanding wasn't, the
language wasn't what is there. Especially after a late
(01:07:57):
diagnosis is a whole new world of possibility.
You get to unlearn the shame. You get to set boundaries that
actually work for your brain. You get to stem, speak your
truth, and take off the damn mask.
At least with people who deserveto see the real you.
(01:08:20):
So yeah, masking and late diagnosis are two sides of the
same exhausting coin. But understanding them, that's
the first step to living a life that's not built on constant
code switching and quiet suffering.
It's built on actual self knowledge.
(01:08:41):
And that's where the real magic starts.
And that, my friends, is our ride through the spectrum.
Messy, nuanced, and hopefully several steps above Hollywood's
usual emotionless genius with a train obsession version of
(01:09:02):
autism. If you took anything from today,
let it be this Autism isn't a tragic subplot or a quirky
inconvenience. It's a real, diverse and valid
way of experiencing the world. It doesn't need to be fixed,
cured, softened, or sanitized. It needs to be understood.
(01:09:29):
It needs to be respected, and more than anything, autistic
folks need the space to be fullythemselves without having to
constantly mask, explain, or shrink to fit into someone
else's comfort zone. Whether you're autistic, suspect
you might be, love someone who is, or just realized half your
(01:09:52):
personality is built on misunderstood neurodivergent
traits, you're not alone. Keep unlearning the crap, keep
questioning the stereotypes, andkeep building a world where
difference isn't feared. It's freaking celebrated.
Thanks for pushing play on Shrink Rat.
(01:10:14):
If this episode helped you feel seen, educated, or slightly more
ragey in a productive way, shareit with someone who needs to
hear it. And while you're at it, rate,
review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, your
neighbors, weirdly loud, Alexa, whatever.
(01:10:37):
It helps us keep these conversations going.
Oh, and if you want to keep the conversation rolling with other
listeners, hop into the O'Neill Counseling app.
There's a whole community waiting to connect, swap
stories, and remind you that youdon't have to navigate this
stuff alone. The link is in the show notes.
And don't forget, you can e-mailquestions into
(01:10:58):
michelle@oneillcounseling.com and I'm going to compile them
all into a bonus episode with your questions and my answers.
Next week we've got another guided journal entry, and it's a
good one. So until then, take off the mask
when you can. Take up space like you mean it.
And remember, your brain is not broken, it's just working off a
(01:11:22):
different bad ass blueprint. Catch you next time.
Welcome to today's episode, where we're adventuring into the
wide, wild world of autism. Because let's face it, there's a
lot of misinformation out there.We'll start with the DSM
criteria, which is basically theofficial list of things that
make up autism. And guess what, bestie?
(00:23):
It's not as cut and dry as some would like you to believe.
It's more than a checklist of behaviors that doctors check off
while making you feel like you're reading a manual for
assembling IKEA furniture. Then we're going to talk about
how autism is portrayed in the media, which, let's be honest,
(00:44):
is usually about as accurate as a toddler trying to draw a
giraffe from the quirky genius stereotype to the idea that all
autistic people are somehow socially awkward or lack
empathy. News flash, that's absolutely
not true. The media's version of autism
could use a serious overhaul, and then we're going to set the
(01:07):
record straight on what autism is not.
It's not just a disorder or something to be fixed, and it's
definitely not the one-size-fits-all caricature the
media loves to sell. Autism is diverse, complex and
unique to every individual and we're here to break it all down
(01:28):
for you. So grab a seat and let's unpack
the truth about autism straight up and no filter.
Let's get into it. OK, now that we've torn off the
(01:49):
intro wrapper, let's talk about autism.
Minus the pity party, fear mongering, or Rain Man reruns.
Let's get one thing straight right out of the gate.
Autism isn't some mysterious tragic puzzle waiting to be
solved. It's not a quirky character
(02:09):
trope, A childhood tragedy, or something you can diagnosed
based on someone's eye contact and preferred snack foods.
It's a neurodevelopmental condition.
Yes, that's the clinical term. But more than that, it's a whole
different way of experiencing the world, one that's often
(02:31):
misunderstood, mislabeled, and way too often minimized.
Whether you're autistic, wondering if you might be, or
just trying to not be wildly ignorant about the people around
you, this is for you. Because the goal isn't to make
autistic people fit better into the world, it's to make the
(02:55):
world suck less for autistic people.
All right, let's break down thissparkly gem of DSM speak into
something that doesn't feel likeit was written by a committee of
robots on decaf Autism Spectrum disorder.
AKAASD is what we call a neurodevelopmental condition,
(03:20):
which is basically a fancy way of saying your brain was wired a
little differently from the jump.
Not better, not worse, just operating on a different
frequency than what the world has labeled as default settings.
And while society loves to treatdifferent like a glitch, spoiler
(03:40):
alert, it's not the persistent challenges in social
communication and interaction part.
That doesn't mean autistic people are antisocial robots who
hate eye contact and live under rocks.
It means the unspoken rules of social life, the ones
(04:01):
neurotypicals seem to download like an automatic software
update, can feel confusing, exhausting, or totally
irrelevant. Stuff like small talk, reading
between the lines, or knowing when to laugh at someone's joke,
even if it wasn't funny, might not come naturally.
(04:22):
Not because autistic people don't care, but because their
brains aren't set up to process that stuff the same way.
Imagine trying to play charades while everyone else is secretly
reading from a script. Yeah, that.
Then we've got the restricted, repetitive patterns of behavior,
(04:46):
interests, or activities. This is the part people love to
boil down to. Oh, they just really like
trains. And yes, maybe they do.
But it's more than that. It's about finding comfort,
regulation, and joy in routines,in repetition, in diving deep
(05:11):
into specific interests instead of skimming the surface of a
million things just to seem well-rounded.
Whether it's lining up objects, rewatching a favorite show on
loop, or hyper focusing on ancient Roman aqueducts.
Because why not? These patterns aren't random.
(05:34):
They're meaningful. They're self soothing.
They're a way of engaging with aworld that often feels
overwhelming and unpredictable. So no, autism isn't some tragic
collection of deficits. It's a different operating
system. The problem isn't the system,
(05:57):
it's the fact that the user manual was written for an
entirely different model of brain.
And maybe instead of forcing autistic people to mimic
neurotypical behavior like emotional ventriloquists, we
could just learn how to speak their language too.
(06:19):
Let's talk about how the DSM 5 rolls out the criteria for
autism Spectrum disorder, because wow, do they love a
list. Basically, for someone to get
that official ASD diagnosis, it's not enough to just not vibe
(06:39):
with small talk or be obsessed with a niche hobby.
You've got to hit multiple checkboxes across 2 main domains,
social communication difficulties and restricted or
repetitive behaviors. It's like the world's worst game
of bingo, except instead of a prize you get misunderstood by
(07:02):
your peers and gas lit by the education system, starting with
a persistent deficits in social communication and interaction.
This isn't about being shy or awkward.
It's deeper than that. We're talking about challenges
that show up across multiple settings.
(07:23):
Not just oh, they're quiet at parties, but more like this
person's brain does not naturally download the social
software upgrade updates everyone else seems to get
overnight. For example, social emotional
reciprocity, which is a clunky way of saying conversations
(07:45):
don't work the same here. Maybe there's less back and
forth banter, less sharing of emotions, or a total meh
response to someone's story about their cousin's wedding.
It's not coldness, it's a different way of engaging.
(08:06):
Some folks don't instinctively know that.
How are you Means please lie andsay fine so we can move on.
Then we've got nonverbal communication deficits, which
means reading or using body language, facial expressions or
(08:27):
tone of voice can be trickery tricky.
So yeah, that they looked at me.Weird thing that neurotypicals
obsess over that might not even register.
Or it might register way too much.
Either way, the signals are getting crossed.
(08:47):
Maybe there's a flat tone of voice, a lack of eye contact, or
expressive gestures that don't quite match the vibe of the
room. And yet again, people assume
that means someone's being rude,bored, or disinterested when
they're just being. And of course, the cherry on
(09:10):
top? Difficulties with relationships.
Not because autistic people don't want friends, but because
decoding the constantly shiftingrules of social life is like
being thrown into an escape roomwith no clues and no one
explaining what the hell is going on.
Figuring out how to act differently at work versus a
(09:33):
party versus a group chat is exhausting and often not
intuitive. So yeah, making or maintaining
relationships can be hard. Not for lack of desire, but
because the social manual was printed in a language no one
translate it. Now let's move on to B
(09:58):
Restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior, interests,
or activities, AKA the part thatgets wildly oversimplified into
quirky behaviors and niche fixations.
To meet criteria here, at least two flavors of this must be
(10:20):
present. First up, repetitive movements
or speech. Think hand flapping, rocking
echolalia, which is repeating words or phrases or lining
things up with surgical precision.
These aren't weird habits, they're often self regulation
(10:41):
tools or sensory feedback loops.It's not about being dramatic,
it's about surviving in a world that feels like it's on Max
volume 24/7. Next we've got rigidity and
sameness. This is the do not touch my
routine unless you want chaos. Category changes, no matter how
(11:05):
small, can feel like someone moved all the furniture in your
brain. There might be distress over
schedule changes, very specific ways things need to be done, or
repeated questions not because someone forgot the answer, but
because the ritual of asking brings calm.
(11:27):
This is comfort through control,not inflexible inflexibility for
the hell of it. Then there's the infamous
intense, fixated interests. These aren't casual hobbies.
These are full on deep dives that could put a PhD program to
(11:48):
shame. Autistic people often have a
specific interest or topic they could talk about for hours.
And yes it might be trains, but it could just as easily be moths
historical bad historical battletactics, or the exact release
(12:09):
dates of every Studio Ghibli film.
The issue isn't the intensity, it's society acting like passion
is only acceptable when it's mainstream.
Lastly, in this category, sensory processing differences.
And let me be clear, this is notoh I'm a little sensitive to
(12:32):
noise. This is full body panic inducing
overload from fluorescent lights, itchy tags, sudden
noises or smells that make you want to leap out of your skin.
Or on the flip side, it could bea need for more input, wanting
to spin, bounce, crash, chew, orflap because it feels good.
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Sensory stuff isn't an accessoryto autism, it's central to how
the world is experienced Now. Moving on to C through E, which
are basically the fine print. Symptoms must be present in
early development, even if they didn't cause problems right
away. This means someone might have
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flown under the radar until social demands ramped up, like
when school became an A social obstacle course or adulting hit
like a brick. Then the symptoms have to cause
real life disruption. We are talking interference with
school, work, relationships, or daily functioning.
It's not just oh they're a little different.
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It has to be life impacting. And finally, you can't blame
this all on something else. If the behaviors are better
explained by a different condition, the autism diagnosis
doesn't stick. Basically, it's got to be autism
doing the heavy lifting here, not something else.
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Now, because the DSM 5 can't resist slapping a label on a
label, they went ahead and addedseverity levels to Autism
Spectrum disorder. Kind of like ordering your ASD
diagnosis and mild medium are hot.
And while the intent might be toguide support needs, the reality
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is that these levels often get misused to box people in,
minimize their struggles, or gatekeep access to services.
But I digress. Let's decode what they actually
mean. Level 1 requiring support is
often referred to as the You're doing pretty OK, but social
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stuff is still a full body cringe level.
Folks at Level 1 might have a hard time starting or
maintaining conversations, get thrown off when their routine
changes, or struggle to go with the flow when the group project
suddenly turns into emotional karaoke.
They're often expected to just try harder because they can
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sometimes pass as neurotypical. But spoiler, masking is
exhausting, and just because someone seems fine doesn't mean
they're not metaphorically whiteknuckling through every
interaction like it's hostage negotiation.
These folks need support. It's just not always visible
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unless you know what to look for.
Level 2 requiring substantial support kicks things up a notch.
Here we're talking about more obvious difficulties with verbal
and non verbal communication anda much lower tolerance for
surprise plot twists in daily life.
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Think social scripts and short circuiting, mid convo, distress
when routines are broken and environments that feel like
sensory warfare. These folks aren't just
introverted or quirky, they're dealing with a world that feels
fundamentally incompatible most of the time.
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Substantial support here means consistent structure,
understanding communication differences, and not acting
shocked when they meltdown aftera last minute schedule change
that would make anyone scream internally.
Level 3 requiring very substantial support is the DSM's
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way of saying OK everything is hard and this person needs a lot
of help to get through daily life.
Communication may be very limited or entirely non verbal,
behavior can be extremely rigid or intense, and even minor
changes might cause full on distress meltdowns.
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Not tantrums, not drama, Real overwhelming nervous system on
fire meltdowns. These individuals often need
round the clock care or highly specialized support, and
honestly, the system still failsthem constantly because it's
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built for convenience, not compassion.
But here's the kicker. These levels don't define value,
intelligence, or worthiness. They're not a personality scorer
or a how Art, how autistic are you quiz.
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They're just meant to help professionals understand the
amount of external support someone needs, not judge their
internal experience or flatten them into a checklist.
Because autism isn't linear or one-size-fits-all.
Someone might be level one in a quiet environment and Level 3
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during holiday dinner with extended family and a
malfunctioning smoke alarm. Context matters.
People fluctuate and every leveldeserves understanding, not
condescension, pity, or the everpopular you don't look autistic
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line. So now that we've laid out the
DSMS greatest hits criteria, severity levels and all its
bullet point brilliance, it's time to talk about where this
whole framework still kind of flops.
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Because as much as it gives us structure, yay insurance codes,
it also leaves a lot of nuance on the cutting room floor.
This number one, you can't be autistic if you're social.
Ah yes, the fan favorite misunderstanding, brought to you
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by people who think autism is just a fancy word for doesn't
make eye contact and avoids birthday parties.
Let's be very clear. Being autistic does not mean
you're allergic to people. It doesn't mean you're doomed to
a life of social exile living ina cave with your collection of
(19:31):
vintage calculators. It does often mean that
socializing comes with a few more pop quizzes, invisible
rules, and moments of wait. Was that sarcasm or are they mad
at me? Autistic folks can be incredibly
social. Some are bubbly, chatty, and
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will talk your ear off about their favorite niche interest if
you give them half a second and a decently enthusiastic nod.
Others might prefer one-on-one connections, online friendships
or deep conversations over the kind of social gymnastics
required at half office happy hours.
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The difference isn't about desire.
It's about how we communicate, how we process interaction, and
how much bandwidth we have before the social battery goes
into critical meltdown mode. What's actually common is that
autistic people often struggle with the unwritten, unspoken,
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and frequently contradictory rules of neurotypical social
interaction. You know, smile, but not too
much. Make eye contact but not too
intensely. Show interest but don't
monologue. Be honest but not too honest.
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Honestly, it's like trying to play a game where everyone else
was handed the instruction manual at birth and you're just
out here guessing what counts asnormal human behavior while
internally screaming. And when autistic folks do
manage to act social enough, it's often because they've
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trained themselves to mimic the expected behaviors, not because
it's easy or natural. That's masking.
And while it can be helpful short term, long term it's like
emotionally cosplaying someone you're not just to make other
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people comfortable. Exhausting doesn't even begin to
cover it. So yeah, someone can be the life
of the party and autistic. They can have a big friend group
and be autistic. They can host a podcast, give a
Ted talk, or work in HR and still be autistic.
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Because autism isn't about beinga loner, it's about how your
brain processes social interaction, not whether you
like people. TLDR social does not equal
neurotypical. And if someone tells you you're
too social to be autistic, you have my full permission to stare
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directly into their soul and say, well that's not how it
works Karen myth #2 you're high functioning so it's not a big
deal. Ah yes, the backhanded Gold Star
of the autism world. High functioning is one of those
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terms that sounds helpful on paper, but in real life is just
a dressed up way of saying you seem normal enough that I'm
going to ignore your actual needs.
It's the equivalent of telling someone you don't look like
you're drowning so I'm just going to leave you in the deep
end with no floaties. Good luck.
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This label gets thrown around constantly, often by people who
are trying to reassure you but end up minimizing your
experience instead. What it really means is your
struggles aren't inconvenient enough for me to acknowledge
them. You hold a job, you can make eye
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contact. You remembered my birthday and
didn't rock in a corner during the party?
Wow, you must be fine. But what they didn't see is the
behind the scenes chaos, the hours of mental prep for every
social event, the sensory hangovers after existing in
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fluorescent lighting all day, the meltdown you had in your car
before walking into work like everything's peachy.
High functioning people are often experts at masking, at
playing the role of competent adult while internally trying
not to spontaneously combust. Its performance art.
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It's survival. It's draining as hell.
And here's the kicker, functioning labels are
completely arbitrary. You might be high functioning at
9:00 AM with your noise cancelling headphones,
color-coded calendar and pre scripted replies, but by 3:00
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PM, after a last minute meeting,a surprise fire drill, and
Brenda microwaving fish in the office kitchen, you're suddenly
low functioning and lying on thebathroom floor trying to
remember how to breathe. Your functioning changes based
on context, support, and how many metaphorical knives you've
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had to judge juggle in that day.These labels don't help, they
harm. They create expectations that if
you can do something once, you should be able to do it.
Always. They make people feel like
failures when they burn out, andthey keep folks from getting
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support because they don't look autistic enough to be taken
seriously. So no, being high functioning
doesn't mean you have it easy. It just means you've gotten
really good at looking OK while silently panicking.
And if someone tries to minimizeyour needs with this label, feel
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free to let them know you're only high functioning at
pretending to be fine for their comfort.
Myth #3 Autism mostly effects boys.
Oh, this one. The dusty old myth that just
(26:20):
refuses to die. This gem comes from decades of
research that was laser focused on white cisgender boys who
lined up toy cars and had publicmeltdowns and then decided that
(26:43):
was the autistic blueprint. Congratulations patriarchy,
you've officially made autism your own exclusive club complete
with gate let, gatekeeping and diagnostic blind spots.
The truth. Autism absolutely does not only
affect boys. It affects everyone.
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Girls, women, non binary folks, trans folks, people of color,
people who stem discreetly and mask like it's a full time job.
But for years anyone who didn't match the classic presentation,
AKA externally obvious, disruptive or boy shaped traits
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was overlooked, misdiagnosed, orflat out told they were just
anxious, sensitive or going through a phase.
Let's talk about why this myth sticks around.
Because autistic girls and gender diverse folks present
differently. They might be more socially
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aware, but not always socially successful, more likely to mask
or mimic peers, more tuned into social cues.
Even if they don't always understand them, they may force
themselves into uncomfortable situations just to seem normal,
and then collapse from burnout later.
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Meanwhile, the diagnostic tools we've been using still based on
outdated models built around howboys tend to present.
It's like trying to find a zebrausing a giraffe detector.
Of course you're going to miss it.
And if you add race into the mix, the disparities get even
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worse. Black and brown children are
more likely to be misdiagnosed with behavioral disorders,
labeled as troublemakers, or simply dismissed altogether.
Autistic traits in BIPOC individuals are frequently
misunderstood, pathologized, or ignored because systemic bias is
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doing its thing loudly and unapologetically.
So yeah, autism is not a boys club, that's just who got
studied, diagnosed and centered.Everyone else got left out of
the conversation or told they couldn't possibly be autistic
because they made eye contact once in 2009.
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It's time to retire this myth and update the narrative.
Autism doesn't have a gender. It doesn't have a look.
It doesn't come with a default setting.
If someone tells you they're autistic, believe them.
Don't ask. If they're sure, don't respond
with. But you're so social, smart,
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articulate, female. Just say cool thanks for
trusting me and then go unlearn everything you picked up from
the good doctor myth #4 Autism looks the same in everyone.
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Ah yes, the classic cookie cutter fallacy where autism is
treated like A1 size fits all personality preset.
According to this myth, if you've met one autistic person,
Congrats, you now apparently understand every autistic person
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ever. Spoiler you don't.
And also, please stop acting like you've unlocked the secret
level of neurodivergence just because your cousin's roommate's
kid is into Minecraft and doesn't like loud noises.
Autism is called a spectrum for a reason and not the boring
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grayscale kind. Think full neon paint splatter
chaos. Traits vary from person to
person in terms of intensity, visibility, and how they're
expressed. Some autistic people are non
speaking, some are hyper verbal,some love routine, others thrive
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in creative chaos but meltdown in fluorescent lighting.
Some stem visibly, others internally.
Some are math Wizards, some are artists, some are both, and some
don't care about either because their passion is obscure antique
(31:40):
doorknobs. The point is, it's all valid,
but media and pop culture love their stereotypes, so the same
caricature keeps showing up likea party guest no one invited.
Awkward white male, monotone, emotionally flat and obsessed
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with something like trains or toothpicks.
When that's all people see, theyassume that's what autism is.
Anything outside of that narrow mold must not count.
Must be something else. Must be not autistic enough.
This myth is particularly dangerous because it invalidates
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people's experiences when they don't look autistic to someone's
untrained eye. It leads to late diagnosis,
missed support, and a whole lot of unnecessary questioning both
from others and internally. Am I autistic enough?
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Do I really belong in this community?
That kind of doubt hits hard when the world acts like autism
only comes in one flavor, vanilla.
Awkward. But let's be clear, autism isn't
a personality type. It's a neurodevelopmental
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condition that shows up differently depending on the
person, the day, the context, and how much sensory hell
they've already endured. There's no such thing as a
typical autistic person, and theidea that everyone should look,
act, and function the same way isn't just wrong, it's ableist.
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So the next time someone says you don't seem autistic, feel
free to reply with that's because you're the idea of
autism is based on one bad TV show and even worse assumptions.
And then go live your gloriouslyunique neurodivergent life.
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Because if you've met one autistic person, you've met one
autistic person. Full stop.
Now about that masking, AKA the neurodivergent version of
method. Asking, acting no one asked for.
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It's when autistic folks suppress, hide, or edit their
natural behaviors in order to blend in.
Think of it like internal PR management.
OK team, let's smile vaguely, make eye contact for exactly 3.5
seconds, nod periodically, laughwhen they laugh, And for the
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love of all that is sensory safe, don't STEM too obviously
in public. It's a non-stop internal
monologue of performing what other people expect, even when
it feels awkward, unnatural, or downright soul crashing.
And sure, masking might help youavoid being bullied in middle
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school or overlooked in job interviews, but it comes at a
massive cost. You're essentially rewriting
your every interaction like you're in a one person improv
show called Please Like Me even though I'm dying inside you.
Mimic tones, copy body language,rehearse what normal people say
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in casual conversation. Pro tip, there are no normal
people and often apologize for things that literally aren't
your fault just to smooth thingsover.
You're playing human Tetris in real time, squeezing your square
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self into round holes and pretending it doesn't hurt.
And the worst part, it usually works.
People say things like but you seem so outgoing or you don't
look autistic, as if that's a compliment and not low key
(36:12):
erasure wrapped in neurotypical approval.
Because when you mask successfully, your needs become
invisible. No one sees the sensory
overload, the social hangover, the internal screaming.
You're exhausted, but everyone around you thinks you're totally
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fine because your performance was that convincing.
The DSM, bless its clinical little heart, throws a casual
nod toward difficulty initiatingor responding to social
interaction. But it completely glosses over
the Olympic level mental gymnastics that go into masking.
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Like, oh cool, you noticed we sometimes have trouble making
friends. But did you clock the hours
spent scripting how to ask someone to hang out without
sounding clingy, weird, or like we're about to sell them
essential oils? No, shocking.
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Long term masking doesn't just wear you out, it can straight up
wreck your mental health. It leads to burnout, The kind
where you can't speak, think or function for days.
Anxiety, depression, and a creeping, crushing sense of
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identity confusion. After years of performing like
someone else, it's easy to lose track of who you actually are
underneath the mask. You become a patchwork of other
people's expectations, held together with social duct tape
and silent panic. And here's the infuriating
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thing. Masking is rarely recognized
unless someone's really paying attention, and most systems,
education, workplace healthcare,family dinners with Aunt Janet
aren't built for that. Masking is often mistaken for
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progress, when really it's just people bending themselves into
unnatural shapes to avoid rejection.
So if someone finally lets the mask slip and you get a glimpse
of the real them, how they stem,how they speak, how they exist
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without apology, don't shame it.Celebrate it.
Because that's not a breakdown, that's authenticity.
And frankly, it deserves a standing ovation and one final
colossal myth that the DSM tip toes around like it's afraid of
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feeling anything autistic. Joy.
Yeah. Joy.
Not tragedy, not dysfunction, not.
Oh no. How sad.
We're talking about the electric, full body, soul
sparking joy that comes from being deeply connected to your
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brain's favorite things. Things the DSM reduces to
restricted interests, like they're a bug in the in the
system instead of a beautiful feature.
Let's start with special interests, which get treated in
clinical writing like weird little obsessions you're
supposed to grow out of, but in reality they're a life force.
(40:00):
Autistic people don't dabble in interests, they dive into them
with the passion of 1000 caffeinated researchers.
Whether it's prehistoric sea creatures, transit maps, K pop
choreography, or the historical accuracy of medieval armor, that
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kind of focused joy is not a problem, it's a superpower.
It's the kind of thing that lights up the brain, brings
clarity to chaos, and gives lifestructure and purpose.
You know what's boring? Lukewarm interest in eight
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million things. You know what's vibrant as hell?
Knowing everything there is to know about something and loving
every second of it. And then there's stemming those
repetitive movements or sounds the DSM lists with the same
(41:06):
energy as warning labels on prescription bottles.
But let's be real. Stimming can be joy in motion.
Rocking, flapping, tapping, spinning.
These aren't meaningless ticks. Their self regulation, their
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expression, their freedom. When the world feels
overwhelming, stimming is your body's way of saying, don't
worry, I've got us, let me get us back to baseline.
And sometimes it's not even about regulating.
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Sometimes it's just fun. And when was the last time a
clinical definition acknowledgedthat something could be joyful
and autistic? Let's also talk about the
comfort of routine. Neurotypicals love to
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romanticize structure when it's a morning yoga class and a
planner from Target. But call it a rigid routine the
second an autistic person relieson it to feel safe.
Guess what? Predictability can be delicious.
(42:32):
Knowing what's coming. Having rituals.
Loving sameness. It's not pathological.
It's peace. It's stability in a world that
is frankly chaotic and overstimulating 90% of the time.
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And then there's the big one, the autistic lens itself.
The way autistic folks experience the world isn't
broken, it's just different. It's often more honest, more
curious, more emotionally attuned to authenticity over
(43:17):
small talk. When you're not filtering
everything through neurotypical expectations, you notice details
others miss. You question social scripts.
You ask the real questions and you love with your whole damn
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self. That's not a deficit.
It's a kind of clarity the rest of the world would be lucky to
learn from. So when the DSM talks about
autism only in terms of impairments and challenges, it
erases all of that. It misses the creativity, the
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intensity, the resilience, the magic.
Because autism isn't just a listof what's wrong, it's a whole
world view. And if we only define it by what
it lacks, we fail to see what itadds.
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Let's stop treating autistic joylike a glitch in the Matrix.
It's not an exception to the diagnosis, it's a vital part of
it. And if the DSM can't make room
for that, then maybe it needs a revision.
So yes, the DSM gives us a starting point, a blueprint, a
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diagnostic map, a clinical breakdown with lots of colons
and bullet points. And, and sure, it's useful.
It helps people get answers, access support and explain
what's been going on internally when the world's just been
calling them too sensitive or weird batted eye contact since
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birth. But let's not kid ourselves, the
DSM is not the Holy Grail of understanding autism.
It's a tool. It's a vibe, Jack.
It is not the full picture because real understanding that
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comes from actually listening toautistic people, not diagnosing
them from across the room like some kind of neurotypical
wildlife expert with a clipboard.
It comes from hearing people describe their own lived
experience in their own words, with all the nuance,
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contradiction, joy, and frustration that doesn't fit
neatly into a checklist. It comes from not assuming that
someone's autism is only valid if it looks like a character
from a a prestige drama about misunderstood geniuses.
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It also means challenging our assumptions about eye contact,
about embassy, about appropriatebehavior, whatever the hell that
even means. It means realizing that half of
what's considered normal is justunspoken social fluff designed
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to make neurotypicals feel comfortable, not universal
truths like who decided that stemming is weird but fidget
spinners are fine? Why is memorizing football stats
cool but knowing the entire genealogy of Greek gods is
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obsessive? Why is avoiding small talk at a
party suspicious, but faking interest in Chad's fantasy
league is admirable? Here's the truth.
Normal is a myth, a glitch in the Matrix, a concept invented
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by people who were terrified of difference and wanted everyone
to act like background characters in a Hallmark movie.
But neurodiversity blows that whole thing wide open.
And thank God, because normal was getting so boring.
When we let go of the idea that everyone should think, feel,
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socialize, or express themselvesthe same way.
We don't just make the world better for autistic people, we
make it better for everyone. More honest, more flexible, more
real. Because the moment we stop
pathologizing difference and start celebrating
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neurodiversity, we stop asking how do we make you fit in and
start asking what do you need tothrive?
So yeah, the DSM might get the party started, but if we
actually want to understand autism, we got to put down the
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clipboard, shut up for a second,and listen to autistic voices.
They're not broken. They're not failed
neurotypicals. They're fully human with a
perspective that just might makethe rest of us rethink what
humanity actually means. And now let's get into the
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wildly chaotic, often cringe worthy roller coaster that is
autism representation in media where stereotypes run rampant,
nuance takes a back seat, and Hollywood seems to think
autistic just means genius robotwith no emotions and one hobby.
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We all know representation matters.
Seeing people like you reflectedin stories honestly, messily,
accurately can be life changing.It helps people understand
themselves, feel seen, and sometimes even realize, oh, that
might be me. But here's the kicker.
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For every step forward, media somehow manages to trip over its
own shoelaces, crash into a pileof cliches, and call it
groundbreaking. Let's start with the media's
favorite go to the white male savant.
This guy is everywhere. Counting cards in Rain Man,
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diagnosing rare diseases in The Good Doctor, solving impossible
math equations in A Beautiful Mind, or confusing sarcasm in
The Big Bang Theory. And don't let them fool you.
Yes, Sheldon isn't officially autistic, but come on, we see
you. These characters are always
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absurdly intelligent, emotionally detached, socially
awkward to the point of parody, and hyper focused on one niche
thing like trains or prime numbers.
They're not written as full humans, they're walking plot
devices. Their quirks are either Comic
(50:36):
Relief or tragic inspiration, and their actual humanity gets
squished down into Wow, he's So Smart but weird.
These portrayals send the message that autism equals
genius, and that your neurodivergence is only
acceptable if it comes with a side of savant superpowers.
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Spoiler, most autistic people are not Rain Man, and equating
value with utility is not just inaccurate, it's dehumanizing.
Closely related is the Emotionless Robot trope.
These characters are clearly autistic coded, but never
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explicitly labeled that way, probably to dodge
accountability. They're logical, rigid,
analytical, and apparently allergic to feelings.
Think Spock from Star Trek Data.Also Star Trek Sherlock Holmes
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in basically every version, or Doctor Temperance Bones Brennan
from Bones. Writers use these traits to make
characters seem unknowable or other work otherworldly, as if
being different somehow makes you less human.
And while yes, some autistic folks do relate their factual
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brains or literal language, reducing them to cold, robotic
caricatures just feeds into the dangerous myth that autistic
people don't have emotions. They do, often intensely.
They just may not show them the way neurotypicals expect.
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Then there's the awkward Comic Relief archetype, which just
feels like a cruel joke wrapped in a sitcom script.
These are the characters who constantly miss social cues,
deliver hilariously blunt observations, and get used as
emotional training wheels for everyone else.
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Think Sheldon again, a bed from Community, or Dwight from The
Office. These characters usually take a
dozen DSM boxes, but writers never come out and say the word
autism because that would require intentionality.
Instead, they rely on lazy shorthand, stiff posture,
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monotone delivery, and 0 grasp of sarcasm.
The result? A character whose neurodivergent
traits are played for laughs instead of depth.
And while some viewers may see parts of themselves in these
roles, the overall take away is often look how socially clueless
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they are. Which, yeah, no, that's not
representation, that's ridicule in a trench coat.
And of course we can't forget the all too popular Tragic
Burden narrowed it. This one tends to show up in
parent centre dramas and documentaries where the autistic
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person exists solely to challenge the patience of
everyone around them. These stories prioritize the
neurotypical characters grief, stress and noble struggle to
cope with autism. The autistic person usually a
silent, overwhelmed child or worse, a prop for emotional
(54:15):
manipulation. Their voice is missing, their
agency is erased. The message is loud and clear.
Autism is a tragedy to manage, not an identity to respect.
It's trauma porn in a tasteful Instagram filter, and it's
exhausting. The biggest problem in all of
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these portrayals? They ignore the massive, messy
middle ground of the autistic experience.
We rarely see autistic adults just living their lives, working
jobs, navigating relationships, paying taxes, arguing about
their favorite Pokémon. We don't see autistic women and
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nine bit non binary people who are chronically underdiagnosed
and often mask their traits so well that media barely
acknowledges they exist. Autistic people of color,
practically invisible and non speaking autistic folks are
usually portrayed only as metaphors for silence, pain, or
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what might have been. And where, for the love of all
that is good and neuro spicy is the joy?
Where are the stories that show autistic people thriving not
because they're cured or changedor finally learn to mimic the
neurotypical status quo, but because they've built lives that
(55:45):
actually fit them? Where's the passion, the humor,
the depth, the full blown human experience?
Because here's the thing. When media gets autism wrong,
and it frequently does, the consequences aren't just
annoying, they're harmful. These portrayals delay
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diagnosis, especially for anyonewho doesn't fit the narrow
savant mold. They encourage masking because
autistic people learn early thatbeing themselves gets them
mocked, pitied or dismissed. And they misinform everyone
else. Teachers, therapists, Co workers
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who absorb these scripts and start treating autistic traits
like punch lines or warning signs.
But there's good news. Some media is getting it right.
Everything's going to be OK. Features an autistic character
played by an actually autistic actor.
(56:52):
Actor revolutionary I know, as we see it, goes even further
with an autistic cast and autistic writers in the room.
Heartbreak High gave us Quinny, A queer autistic teen who is
complex, expressive, and very much not reduced to a trope.
(57:13):
Even children's media is catching on.
Pablo is a show voiced by autistic kids and centered
around their real experiences, and you can feel the difference.
These stories weren't created about autistic people, they were
created with them. When autistic folks get to tell
(57:34):
their own stories, the result isn't just more accurate, it's
more human. We get humor, we get depth.
We get weird, wonderful, contradictory, full spectrum
people who actually reflect reality.
So here's the bottom line. Autism representation in media
(57:57):
has historically ranged from cartoonish to catastrophically
inaccurate. But it doesn't have to stay that
way. We don't need more stereotypes.
We need storytelling with range,care, and actual input from the
people being portrayed. Autism isn't a genre, a plot
(58:19):
device, or a narrative sob story.
It's a real, diverse, and valid way of existing in the world,
and it deserves to be portrayed like it.
Speaking of diversity, let's talk about why autism is called
a spectrum. And no, it's not just because
(58:41):
psychologists like fancy words. It's because ASD doesn't show up
like a predictable checklist of symptoms that applies neatly
across the board. Autism is less one-size-fits-all
and more choose your own neurodivergent adventure.
One person might be fully verbal, highly independent, and
(59:02):
just need some support navigating social chaos like
small talk and office birthday parties.
Another might be non speaking and have significant sensory
needs and rely on structured support to get through daily
life. Neither is more autistic or less
autistic, they're just rocking different parts of the spectrum.
(59:24):
This is where the world tends toget confused because it loves a
clear binary. You're either high functioning
translation, your discomfort is invisible enough to not
inconvenience others, or you're low functioning translation
people decide things for you instead of with you.
(59:44):
Both labels are garbage. They erase the actual experience
of being autistic and ignore howsupport needs can vary wildly
depending on the day, the environment, or whether
someone's had enough sleep and access to their special
interest. And while we're here, support
needs do not equal intelligence.You can be brilliant and still
(01:00:12):
need help managing A sensory overload at Target.
You can be non speaking and still have a razor sharp inner
world. Autism isn't a straight line
from quirky genius to helpless child.
It's more like a color wheel of traits, strengths, struggles and
(01:00:32):
preferences. Some folks can mask their traits
well enough to fly under the radar for years or decades, only
to hit a wall of burnout becausetheir entire life has been a
performance. Others get diagnosed early, get
access to the right supports, and learn how to thrive on their
(01:00:53):
own terms. Both are valid, both are
autistic. Both deserve understanding, not
judgment. Or but you don't look autistic
commentary. That's why early diagnosis and
support can make such a huge difference.
Not because autism is something to fix, but because knowing how
(01:01:16):
your brain works gives you the tools to build a life that
actually fits. We're not trying to squeeze
square pegs into neurotypical holes here.
We're trying to help people livewith more self-awareness, more
compassion, and less daily sensory combat.
(01:01:37):
Therapies, accommodations and self understanding can turn
survival mode into something a little closer to thriving.
It's like trying going from trying to drive with the parking
brake on to finally realizing, oh, this car was supposed to be
a spaceship. So no, there's no one way autism
(01:02:01):
looks, feels, or functions. That's the whole point of the
spectrum. And now we're going to take a
peek into the deep, gritty, irreverent truth about masking
and late diagnosis, AKA the double whammy that too many
(01:02:21):
autistic people know way too well.
Let's start with masking, which despite sounding like a skin
care routine, is actually a fulltime, unpaid performance art
that a lot of autistic folks endup mastering just to survive.
In a world that expects everyoneto operate like default settings
(01:02:44):
are neurotypical, masking is when you consciously or
unconsciously hide your autistictraits to fit in.
It's mimicking social behaviors that don't come naturally.
Forcing eye contact even when itfeels like a laser beam to the
soul. Rehearsing responses to basic
questions like you're prepping for a job interview.
(01:03:06):
Stifling stems like hand flapping or rocking, replacing
them with more subtle ones like picking at your cuticles and
finger tapping and mentally Googling how do humans small
talk? Every time someone says how's
your day going, it's laughing atthe right time, even if you
don't understand the joke. It's strategically pretending to
(01:03:30):
be less overwhelmed than you arebecause you've learned that
being honest about your needs makes people uncomfortable.
Masking is a survival tactic, but make no mistake, it's
exhausting. It's emotional labor on
steroids. You're constantly calculating,
(01:03:51):
filtering, editing, and because it can be so effective, people
assume you're fine. Which means your needs get
ignored, your burnout goes unnoticed, and your internal
distress gets written off as being dramatic, anxious, or just
too sensitive. It's like running a marathon in
(01:04:13):
clown shoes while everyone applauds how graceful you look
walking. And here's the cruel irony.
The better someone is at masking, the longer they tend to
go undiagnosed, especially if they're not a textbook example
of what old school diagnostic tools expect.
(01:04:35):
Spoiler. Those tools were designed around
white cisgender boys who line uptoy trains and struggle with
direct communication. They didn't account for autistic
women, BIPOC, or gender diverse folks who may have grown up
hyper aware of social expectations and learned to
(01:04:55):
camouflage just to stay safe, accepted, or employable.
Which brings us to late diagnosis.
A whole emotional roller coasterin itself.
For many, it starts with this lingering sense of being off but
not knowing why. Maybe you've spent your life
(01:05:20):
being labeled as shy, intense, sensitive, cold, weird, anxious
too much or not enough. You've probably been
misdiagnosed. Hello anxiety I ADHD sub
depression. Dismissed or told to just try
(01:05:44):
harder. So you do you, try harder than
everyone you people please, overfunction, overthink and still
feel like you're failing at being a person.
Then, maybe through a random TikTok rabbit hole and overly
(01:06:06):
honest therapy session or pure existential fatigue, you start
wondering if it's not that you're broken.
Maybe you're just autistic. And suddenly things start
clicking. The sensory overwhelmed, the
(01:06:28):
need for routine, the social exhaustion that hits like a
hangover, the deep dives into hyper fixations that make you
light up even though people lookat you like you're unhinged.
It all starts to make sense. And let's be clear, a late
diagnosis doesn't mean you were faking before.
(01:06:53):
It means you've been doing an Olympic level masking routine
for years and your brain finallyhanded you a user manual.
It's a mix of grief and relief. Relief at finally having a name
for your experience. Grief for all the years you
(01:07:16):
spent trying to be someone else,wondering why you couldn't just
be normal and burning out under the weight of it.
The world tends to treat diagnosis like a pass fail exam.
Like if you didn't get caught asa kid then you must not really
(01:07:36):
be autistic. But autism doesn't magically
appear in adulthood. It was always there.
The support wasn't, the understanding wasn't, the
language wasn't what is there. Especially after a late
(01:07:57):
diagnosis is a whole new world of possibility.
You get to unlearn the shame. You get to set boundaries that
actually work for your brain. You get to stem, speak your
truth, and take off the damn mask.
At least with people who deserveto see the real you.
(01:08:20):
So yeah, masking and late diagnosis are two sides of the
same exhausting coin. But understanding them, that's
the first step to living a life that's not built on constant
code switching and quiet suffering.
It's built on actual self knowledge.
(01:08:41):
And that's where the real magic starts.
And that, my friends, is our ride through the spectrum.
Messy, nuanced, and hopefully several steps above Hollywood's
usual emotionless genius with a train obsession version of
(01:09:02):
autism. If you took anything from today,
let it be this Autism isn't a tragic subplot or a quirky
inconvenience. It's a real, diverse and valid
way of experiencing the world. It doesn't need to be fixed,
cured, softened, or sanitized. It needs to be understood.
(01:09:29):
It needs to be respected, and more than anything, autistic
folks need the space to be fullythemselves without having to
constantly mask, explain, or shrink to fit into someone
else's comfort zone. Whether you're autistic, suspect
you might be, love someone who is, or just realized half your
(01:09:52):
personality is built on misunderstood neurodivergent
traits, you're not alone. Keep unlearning the crap, keep
questioning the stereotypes, andkeep building a world where
difference isn't feared. It's freaking celebrated.
Thanks for pushing play on Shrink Rat.
(01:10:14):
If this episode helped you feel seen, educated, or slightly more
ragey in a productive way, shareit with someone who needs to
hear it. And while you're at it, rate,
review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts.
Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, iHeartRadio, your
neighbors, weirdly loud, Alexa, whatever.
(01:10:37):
It helps us keep these conversations going.
Oh, and if you want to keep the conversation rolling with other
listeners, hop into the O'Neill Counseling app.
There's a whole community waiting to connect, swap
stories, and remind you that youdon't have to navigate this
stuff alone. The link is in the show notes.
And don't forget, you can e-mailquestions into
(01:10:58):
michelle@oneillcounseling.com and I'm going to compile them
all into a bonus episode with your questions and my answers.
Next week we've got another guided journal entry, and it's a
good one. So until then, take off the mask
when you can. Take up space like you mean it.
And remember, your brain is not broken, it's just working off a
(01:11:22):
different bad ass blueprint. Catch you next time.
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