Communication is allegedly the thing that separates us from the animals—but let’s be honest, a lot of us are just highly verbal raccoons with unresolved issues and Wi-Fi. We say too much, say too little, say the wrong thing, or rehearse the perfect comeback in the shower six hours too late.
Today’s episode? We’re cutting through the noise. No fluff, no corporate team-building retreat energy—just real talk about how to say what you mean, mean what you say, and stop turning every conversation into an accidental episode of emotional Survivor.
Join us on the O'Neil Counseling app here: https://www.oneilcounseling.com/app-landing-page
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
Give or try to use your words and somehow still end up in a
passive aggressive standoff, a group chat misunderstanding, or
a 45 minute argument that started with I'm fine.
Yeah, same communication is allegedly the thing that
separates us from the animals, but let's be honest, a lot of us
(00:26):
are just highly verbal raccoons with unresolved issues and
Wi-Fi. We say too much, say too little,
say the wrong thing, or rehearsethe perfect comeback in the
shower six hours too late. And don't even get me started on
tone, because apparently how yousay something matters just as
(00:48):
much as what you're saying, which feels like a personal
attack on every sarcastic person's right to exist.
Today's episode, we're cutting through the noise.
No fluff, no corporate team building retreat energy.
Just real talk about how to say what you mean, mean what you
say, and stop turning every conversation into an accidental
(01:13):
episode of Emotional Survivor. Let's get into it.
Effective communication is the backbone of literally every
functional relationship. Romantic, platonic,
(01:36):
professional. Or that weird vibe you have with
your barista where you both pretend it's just about coffee
but there's a silent understanding you'd trust them
with your life in a zombie apocalypse.
And no, it's not just about talking.
If it were, every oversharing aunt with a Facebook account
would be a communication guru. Effective communication is about
(02:01):
connecting, like actually letting someone into your
internal Wi-Fi network instead of just projecting at them like
a broken Ted Talk on autoplay. It's about understanding, which,
spoiler alert, means you have tolisten without simultaneously
(02:21):
plotting your rebuttal, your grocery list, and whether or not
that text from your ex was emotionally manipulative.
It was. It's about being understood
without having to shrink yourself, decode your own
feelings in real time, or disguise your needs in a cryptic
mix of memes and vague Instagramstories.
(02:44):
The goal isn't to be a perfect speaker or an applause worthy
listener. The goal is to show up as a
whole ass human, messy feelings,awkward pauses and all, and
build enough trust that you can say what you actually mean
without someone pulling a dramatic exit or weaponizing
(03:05):
your vulnerability like it's a reality show confessional.
Because at the end of the day, whether you're trying to resolve
a conflict, build intimacy, ask for a raise, or just not spiral
every time someone says can we talk?
Good communication is what keepsthings from crumbling into a
(03:26):
dumpster fire of resentment and assumptions.
So yes, it's essential. Not because it's some
professional buzzword, but because life's already chaotic
enough. Don't make your relationships
harder than they need to be by playing emotional charades.
(03:48):
Instead of just saying the damn thing, let's start with the
painfully obvious. If communication were just about
talking, we'd all be relationship experts and
conflict would be solved with a single group chat.
But Nope. Turns out the real magic trick
(04:08):
isn't saying the perfect thing, it's shutting up long enough to
actually listen. Because here's the thing, most
people think they're good listeners, but really they're
just silently waiting for their turn to talk like it's a verbal
game of double Dutch and they'reitching to jump in with.
(04:29):
Yeah, but my experience, active listening isn't just about
hearing sounds and nodding like a motivational bobble head.
It's about being present fully, uncomfortably, and without
checking your imaginary script. Or what do I say next, Social
(04:51):
Survival Edition? That means put down your phone,
stop mentally drafting your grocery list or revenge fantasy,
and be there for real. Make eye contact, not the creepy
unblinking kind. Toss in an occasional or head
(05:12):
nod to show you haven't emotionally heeded yourself into
another dimension. And when in doubt, paraphrase.
Not like the malfunctioning robot, but like a human who
gives at least half a damn try. So what I'm hearing is instead
of steamrolling them with well, here's what I think.
(05:35):
And for the love of all that is holy, stop interrupting.
I don't care how brilliant, hilarious or life changing your
thought is, it can wait 10 seconds.
No one likes being emotionally mansplained or cut off mid
(05:55):
feelings like they're a side character in your mental
monologue. Let people land the plane before
you go grabbing the controls. Because when someone actually
feels heard, that's where the good stuff lives.
Defenses go down. Connection goes up.
(06:15):
Suddenly you're not just lobbingwords back and forth like
emotional dodge balls. You're building trust.
And that, my friend, is the actual secret sauce of healthy
communication. So before you go chasing the
perfect response, try this bold new strategy.
Listen like you care. Shocking, I know.
(06:42):
You ever listen to someone talk and think, wow, that was a lot
of words to say absolutely nothing?
Yeah, same. We've all sat through a
conversation or 12 where someonetried to make a simple point and
(07:04):
ended up taking us on a verbal escape room adventure full of
vague metaphors, plot twists, and unnecessary lore.
So here's a wild idea. If you want people to actually
understand you it, maybe don't bury your message under 15
metaphors, 3 side quests, and a paragraph of filler that reads
(07:26):
like you swallowed A thesaurus during Mercury Retrograde.
Communication isn't performance art.
You're not writing a soliloquy. Clear communication isn't about
sounding impressive, it's about landing the damn plane.
(07:47):
Rambling doesn't make you wise, it makes people's eyes blaze
over like they've just been hit with a software update they
didn't approve. So here's your friendly
reminder. Stick to one point at a time. 1.
Not a bullet point breakdown of every thought you've had since
(08:09):
2006. You are not a walking Wikipedia
rabbit hole unless someone explicitly asked for the
extended universe version of your story.
Keep it tight. Deliver your message like it's
got somewhere to be, because it does into someone's overworked,
(08:30):
under arrested, emotionally overstimulated brain.
Also, can we can we talk about jargon?
Please? Retire the phrases synergizing
cross functional deliverables and leveraging interpersonal
bandwidth. You're not in a corporate ad
campaign, you're just trying to tell someone what you mean
(08:52):
without them meeting a decoder ring and a cup of coffee.
Use simple human language, not because your audience is dumb,
but because they're busy and mentally juggling 14 other
things while pretending to listen.
And if you're tempted to over explain, resist the urge to turn
(09:17):
every sentence into a Ted talk about your internal processing
system. No one asked for a dissertation
on your personal growth paradigm.
Just say you're going through some stuff.
Keep it clear, keep it honest, keep it human.
Because when it comes to communication, being understood
(09:40):
will always beat being impressive every single time.
And here's the deal. You could say all the right
words in the right order with a sprinkle of emotional
intelligence and still accidentally insult someone if
(10:01):
your face is giving bored internduring mandatory training and
your tone sounds like a sarcastic GPS voice.
Non verbal communication is likethe chaotic roommate of your
verbal self, always doing the most in the background while
you're trying to act like you have it all together.
(10:25):
You can say the most thoughtful,well crafted sentence in the
universe, but if your tone is flat, your posture is screaming
hostage situation and your face is giving emotionally dead
inside, guess what? That is what people will
remember. Your body's out here writing
(10:46):
checks your words can't cash want to come off like you're
actually present and not just physically occupying space like
a sentient coat rack. Start with eye contact.
Not the unblinking soul piercinghorror movie kind, but enough to
show you're tuned in and not mentally Googling how to exit a
(11:09):
conversation politely. Bonus, it makes people feel like
you care, which hot tip is kind of the point of communication in
the 1st place. Then there's your posture, an
often overlooked but wildly loudstatement.
Slouching, crossed arms turned away body.
(11:32):
That's the equivalent of holdingup a sign that says I hate this
and I want out. On the flip side, open and relax
posture is basically your body saying I'm safe, I'm here, and
no, I'm not silently judging your life choices.
It doesn't have to be perfect, just not aggressively closed off
(11:54):
like you're preparing for emotional battle.
Now let's also talk about tone and pace by the dynamic duo of
unintentional chaos. If you talk like you've got a
Red Bull IV and a point to prove, people are going to
assume one of two things. Either you're panicking or
(12:15):
you're trying to solve them. A pyramid scheme.
Slow down. Match your energy to the
conversation. If someone's telling you about a
painful memory, don't respond like you're reading a brunch
menu. And please don't laugh nervously
while they're crying. That's not empathy.
(12:39):
That's emotional whiplash. Oh, and your face.
It's not subtle. If your words are saying I'm
happy for you, but your eyebrowsare in a judgmental arch and
your smile looks like it's beingheld hostage, people will
notice. You might think you're being
(13:00):
neutral, but your face is out here screaming.
I have several thoughts and noneof them are kind.
We all block it, subconsciously or not.
People are picking up on every micro expression, side eye and
sarcastic eyebrow twitch. Bottom line, your body is
(13:20):
talking even when you're not. So maybe start checking what
it's saying before it accidentally delivers a
monologue titled I'm not OK and this is a cry for help.
When your non verbal game matches your words, that's when
people actually feel what you'resaying, not just hear it.
(13:42):
Let's get one thing straight. Empathy is not just nodding like
a supportive bobble head while someone emotionally implodes in
front of you. It's not replying same to
someone's trauma dump. And it's definitely not offering
up unsolicited advice like you're a walking Pinterest quote
(14:04):
with Wi-Fi. Real empathy?
That's emotional presence. It's the act of shutting the
hell up long enough to actually feel with someone, not just
perform concern while mentally drafting your grocery list or
waiting for a chance to drop your own story in like it's a
(14:25):
game. Sadness.
Uno Empathy isn't just some softskill fluff, it's the Wi-Fi
signal that connects to nervous systems.
If communication is the device, empathy is the signal strength.
And if you're giving dial up energy, no one's getting
(14:46):
through. Practicing empathy means you
stop dodging people's feelings like emotional potholes on your
morning commute. You acknowledge them.
You say things like that sounds like a lot or I can tell this is
really weighing on you instead of pulling a full Olympic level
(15:10):
pivot into your unrelated suffering.
Oh, you're overwhelmed? That reminds me of the time I
almost died in a Walgreens. Please no.
And if you don't know what to say, great.
That's actually a prime opportunity to ask better
(15:33):
questions, not bland one word answer bait.
Like are you OK? Because no, they're clearly not.
But open-ended questions like how are you really feeling about
all this? Or what would feel supportive
right now. Because you're not there to
(15:55):
crack a case, you're there to create a soft landing spot for
someone's mess. Also, and I cannot stress this
enough, stop trying to fix it. Unless someone asked you to.
You are not a licensed therapist.
(16:16):
Unless you are, in which case still chill.
You are not a human version of Google Calendar here to optimize
their emotional experience. Sometimes people just want to be
heard, not handed a five step action plan or told to drink
more water and go outside like that's going to unruin their
(16:40):
day. Empathy is showing up with
presents, not perfection. It's being the kind of person
who says you don't have to go through this alone instead of
have you tried journaling? It's holding space, not holding
court. Because when someone feels seen,
(17:03):
not analyzed, dismissed or over coached, that's when real
communication happens. That's when defenses drop,
honesty shows up, and connectionbecomes the main character.
So unless someone specifically asked for your life advice or
Ted talk on resilience through scented candle therapy, do
(17:27):
everyone a favor and lead with compassion, not correction.
Now. Honesty is the backbone of every
solid relationship, whether it'swith your best friend, your
boss, or your situation ship whokeeps sending mixed signals and
(17:49):
emoji cryptic nonsense. But here's the catch.
Honesty without tact is just emotional vomit.
And tact without honesty, That'sjust people pleasing in a trench
coat. Being open doesn't mean blurting
(18:09):
out every thought that runs across your brain like a rogue
headline ticker, but it does mean dropping the passive
aggressive bread crumbs and finally saying the actual thing
instead of forcing everyone to play emotional clue to figure
out what the hell you mean. If your communication style
(18:30):
requires A decoder ring and three follow up texts, it's time
for an upgrade. Being open means putting the
truth on the table, but like, ina way that doesn't make people
want to flip the table over and walk out.
Stop dancing around your needs like you're auditioning for so
(18:51):
you think you can subtweet. Just say the thing.
Say it clearly, say it kindly, and say it before the volcano of
resentment erupts and scorches everyone with an emotional
radius. And while we're here, I
statements exist for a reason. And no, it's not just because
(19:15):
your therapist told you to use them, it's because they actually
work. I feel anxious when I don't have
the details, is emotionally mature, you never communicate,
and I'm tired of doing all the work.
Is the relationship booby trap? One leads to a solution, the
(19:38):
other leads to someone saying I need space and disappearing into
the sunset with your emotional dignity and Oh yes, feedback.
If someone has the nerve to say hey that thing you said kind of
sucked, Your job is not to morphinto a defensive rage monster or
(20:00):
start speed running your trauma.Resume your job.
Is to pause, unclench, and ask yourself, could they be right?
Because here's a wild truth. Being open also means being open
(20:22):
to the idea that you might sometimes get it wrong.
That your delivery was off, Thatyour tone screamed middle school
cafeteria grudge. And that's not shameful.
That's just being human. Being honest doesn't mean being
(20:42):
brutal. It doesn't mean slapping a just
being real label on your unfiltered feelings and calling
it growth. It means showing up with respect
for yourself, yes, but also for the person on the other side of
the conversation who's just trying to survive the day
(21:03):
without getting emotionally T boned.
Because real honesty, It builds trust.
It builds connection. It says you matter enough for me
to be real with you, not let me emotionally unload and call it
intimacy. So let's leave the guessing
(21:27):
games and emotional landmines behind.
Yeah, life's too short to communicate like a cryptic
Instagram caption. You know what's fun?
When your brain writes a full blown emotional Horror Story
based on a single text that saysK.
(21:50):
No context, no tone, just one lonely consonant.
And suddenly you're spiraling, convinced your friend hates you,
your relationship is doomed, andyour barista definitely judged
you this morning. And that, my friend, is the dark
(22:13):
art of assumptions. Here's the thing.
Assumptions are just little lieswe tell ourselves to avoid doing
the mildly uncomfortable but emotionally mature thing asking
for clarity. You think you know what someone
(22:33):
meant with that vague, sure, butsuspiciously delayed reply?
Or that cursed thumbs up emoji? But unless you ask, you're just
letting your anxiety play Mad Libs with reality.
And let's be honest, your anxiety is not a reliable
(22:56):
narrator. It's a chaotic goblin who
thrives on worst case scenarios and 0 evidence.
Assumptions are the fast food ofcommunication.
Cheap, easy, immediately satisfying, and 5 minutes later
you're bloated with regret wondering how you got here.
(23:21):
They lead to passive aggressive text wars, interpretive
emotional tantrums, and entire arguments built on vibes and
vibes alone. Suddenly you're in a full blown
conflict over a misunderstandingthat could have been cleared up
with one clarifying question. So here's your permission slip
(23:47):
to stop pretending you're psychic and start using your
words like the emotionally evolved human you claim to be.
Ask, clarify, say hey, I just want to make sure I understood
that right instead of launching into defense mode or silently
(24:07):
seething until you explode at 3:00 AM over a pizza topping.
And if you're feeling fancy, trythe paraphrasing power move
something like. So just to be clear, when you
said you needed space, you meantlike time to think, not time to
delete my number, right? It's not needy, it's
(24:29):
responsible. You're not mansplaining, you're
ensuring mutual reality alignment.
Big difference. Because the truth is, nobody is
a mind reader. We are all out here projecting
our trauma and hoping we guessedright.
(24:50):
So instead of turning every unclear moment into a
psychological thriller directed by your inner catastrophizer,
just ask the damn question. Clarity.
It's underrated, it's sexy. It saves friendships,
relationships, and your own peace.
(25:12):
Confusion, meanwhile, is exhausting and makes you the
main character in a drama no oneelse is even watching.
If I watch someone walk into a conversation like a bowl in a
China shop, wielding the same tone, vocabulary and energy no
matter who they're talking to, Grandma, Boss, Tinder, date
(25:35):
doesn't matter and think, Oh no,they don't know how to read a
room. Yeah, it's painful and wildly
avoidable because here's the deal.
Effective communication isn't one-size-fits-all.
It's more like emotional shape shifting.
(25:57):
You don't use the same tone withyour therapist that you do while
rage texting your group chat. At least I hope you don't.
The way you speak during a wine fueled vent sesh with your best
friend is not the way you shouldaddress your boss in a
performance review. Unless your boss is also your
(26:19):
brunch buddy, in which case congratulations.
But also HR would like a quiet word.
Different people, different vibes.
That's communication one O 1. If someone has authority over
your paycheck, may be cool with the memes and any ways I'm
(26:39):
spiraling intros. If someone's already emotionally
tenderized by life, maybe don't lead with blunt honesty wrapped
wrapped in sarcasm like your Gordon Ramsay delivering life
advice. And if you're engaging with
someone from a different culture, please, please don't
(27:02):
assume your way of expressing things is the universal gold
standard. What sounds confident to you
might sound like an aggressive stand up set to someone else.
And let's not forget the context.
It freaking matters. Dropping F bombs and existential
(27:23):
jokes at a funeral or a quarterly board meeting?
Bolt possibly iconic, but also maybe wildly inappropriate
unless it's a very specific kindof funeral or a startup where
(27:44):
everyone's entire personality isbased on being disruptive.
The point is, tone it up, tone it down, read the room, have
range not to be fake, but to be appropriate.
There's a difference between being authentic and trauma
(28:05):
dumping on your coworker while they're just trying to heat up
their sad desk lunch. And if you're someone who
proudly leads every interaction with Will I just tell it like it
is, that's not a personality trait, that's a warning label.
It's the social equivalent of I'm not like other girls or I'm
(28:29):
just brutally honest which usually translates to I lack
self-awareness and would rather be edgy than kind.
Bottom line, communication is part art, part social strategy
and part self-control. Know who you're talking to,
(28:51):
match the moment, and adjust accordingly.
Because being able to shift yourtone, your delivery, and your
language without losing your authenticity.
That's not fake. That's emotional intelligence.
And we'd love to see it. Now let's not sugarcoat it.
(29:15):
Difficult conversations are the emotional equivalent of
unplugging a drain. Uncomfortable, messy, and
somehow way worse the longer youavoid it.
But guess what? You can't just ghost your way
out of every conflict and call it protecting your peace.
(29:36):
Sometimes you got to pull up your big kid pants and have the
talk. Difficult conversations are like
the dentist appointments of emotional adulthood.
Nobody looks forward to them. Most people avoid them way too
long and if you ignore the issuefor too long, something will rot
(29:59):
and fall out. Probably the relationship.
Whether it's a breakup conversation, boundary check,
hey, your behavior is low key unhinged moment, or a brave
attempt to address the fact thatBrad and Accounting keeps nuking
fish in the communal microwave like he's staging quiet office
(30:20):
rebellion, these conversations are unavoidable.
They're uncomfortable, vulnerable, and yes, sometimes
wildly messy. But they are necessary.
Like emotional exfoliation. Rough, but worth it.
(30:42):
The trick? Don't roll in like you're
auditioning for a Real Housewives reunion, ready to
flip a table and weaponize everygrievance since 2019.
You're not there to win. You're there to connect, to be
heard, to hear, and to maybe, just maybe leave the
(31:06):
conversation without torching the relationship and rage
texting your group chat immediately afterwards.
Start by separating the issue from the person.
I felt hurt when you bailed on dinner without texting.
Is mature, clear, and emotionally grounded.
(31:28):
You're a selfish flake who nevershows up for me and honestly I
don't know why I even bother anymore, is less so.
One opens the door and the otherswings it shot and sets it on
fire. And let's talk about listening,
because, shocker, it's not just the waiting room for your next
(31:51):
combat. You're not in court.
You're not on a debate team. You're not the main character in
a revenge fantasy. Your job is to let the other
person speak and maybe, just maybe, actually absorb what
they're saying. Let the words float in the air
(32:12):
for a beat. Sit with them.
Breathe through the urge to clapback.
Sometimes what they're saying won't be fun to hear, but it
might be true, or at least true for them.
And if you can meet that truth with curiosity instead of ego,
(32:33):
that's where the growth lives. Yes, hard conversations suck.
You know what sucks harder? Years of unresolved tension,
simmering resentment, and silentscore keeping that turns every
interaction into a passive aggressive chess match.
(32:55):
When you lean into the awkwardness and show up with
patience, honesty, and the bare minimum of emotional maturity,
magic happens. Things get clear, trust gets
stronger, and even if it doesn'tend perfectly, at least you
(33:16):
walked away knowing you showed up with your whole chest and
said the real thing, not just stood in silence while plotting
your next dramatic text exit. Because avoiding conflict might
feel easier in the moment, but in the long run it's just self
sabotage and sweatpants. Be brave.
(33:39):
Be kind. Be the emotionally evolved sloth
the world needs now. You ever get feedback that feels
less like helpful guidance and more like someone handed you an
insult with a side of corporate jargon?
Yeah, that's not feedback. That's emotional littering.
(34:03):
Because giving feedback is a delicate art, not an open mic
roast. It's not your chance to unleash
your inner Simon Cowell or offerunsolicited notes like you're a
judge on America's Got Triggers.If your goal is to actually help
someone improve, not just flex your authority or passive
(34:27):
aggressively vent your frustrations, you've got to lead
with clarity, kindness, and justenough tact to not make the
other person want to make their own disappearance rule #1 be
specific. Vague feedback is the worst kind
of feedback. You need to be better.
(34:51):
Doesn't help. It just leaves the other person
standing there. Like OK, but how?
That's not constructive, that's just a motivational mug with bad
vibes. Instead, point out something
real. Hey, I noticed the meeting notes
(35:12):
were missing some key details. Let's find a way to make that
easier next time. Boom, clear kind still leaves
their dignity intact. Next up, the compliment
sandwich. Yes, it gets dragged for being
formulaic formulaic, but when you do it right, it works.
(35:35):
Start with what they did well without sounding fake.
Slide in the feedback like a grown up, and end with something
encouraging, not patronizing. You're not here to sprinkle
glitter on a dumpster fire. You're here to say you've got
potential and room to improve, and both can be true at the same
(35:57):
time. Think.
Here's where you shine. Here's where we Polish instead
of here's a compliment so I can legally roast you down.
And please, for the love of professionalism, be solution
focused. Don't just throw a problem on
someone's desk like a flaming paper bag and walk away
(36:20):
whistling. Offer tools, offer support, hell
even offer a troubleshoot feedback that ends with.
So good luck with that. Is not feedback.
It's being unhelpful in businesscasual because ultimately
(36:42):
constructive feedback is not about calling someone out.
It's about calling them forward.It's a nudge, not a shove.
It's a hey, here's where we go from here, not a here's
everything you've ever done wrong since first.
And if you can deliver it in a way that feels supportive rather
(37:06):
than scarring, you just unlockedthe elite level communication
badge. Most people fumble their way
through adulthood never earning.So skip the vague shade, hold
the ego, and aim for growth witha side of grace.
And if you can do that without making someone in the break room
(37:28):
cry, congratulations, you're officially doing it better than
90% of middle management. Now let's be real, some of y'all
are out here dropping some heavyemotional truths like surprise
plot twists with 0 regard for timing and it shows.
(37:55):
Because here's a spicy little truth no one tells you in a
communication one O 1. You can say all the right things
in all the wrong moments and still end up in a full blown
disaster spiral. You could craft a message so
(38:17):
perfect that your therapist would weep with pride.
But if you drop it when the other person is stress eating
crackers and assembling A malm dresser with missing screws,
congratulations, you just turneda meaningful conversation into a
(38:39):
live action meltdown. Timing is the unsung hero of
communication, and ignoring it is like trying to deliver a
wedding toast during a fire drill.
Even your best, most heartfelt We Need to Talk will land like a
(39:02):
flaming brick and a bouncy castle if the emotional climate
is already unstable. And yes, that includes
initiating serious chats when someone's clearly clinging to
their last shred of sanity, their coffee cup, or their
dignity. Read the room.
(39:25):
Are they visibly stressed mid crisis, white knuckling their
laptop while muttering under their breath?
It Maybe don't bring up how you feel unsupported in the
relationship right now. Save that for a moment when
they're not running on caffeine,cortisol, and whatever audacity
(39:50):
of the day has handed them. And please consider context.
There's a difference between being emotionally available and
ambushing someone with depth when they're emotionally
sunburned. Don't bring up your fears about
(40:10):
mortality while someone's two sips into Rose A at game night
or already crying about their dog.
There's timing and there's emotional terrorism.
It's not about walking on egg shells, it's about not lighting
the eggs on fire and then blaming them for being fragile.
(40:34):
Choosing the right moment isn't manipulative, it's considerate.
It's saying I respect this conversation enough to give it a
fighting chance, not let me emotionally hijack this already
tense Tuesday. So before you dive head first
(40:55):
into a heartfelt monologue, do avibe check.
Ask yourself, is this a good time?
Or am I just looking for relief and calling it authenticity?
Because yes, good communication is honest, but great
(41:17):
communication is honest and welltimed.
Pick your moment like your relationship and your Peace of
Mind depend on it. Because spoiler, they kind of
do. And look, just because the words
(41:39):
have exited your mouth or thumbsdoesn't mean the conversation is
magically complete. This isn't a mic drop moment
where you say your truth, strut off stage and queue applause.
It's not a Netflix season finalewhere we all sit with
cliffhangers for eight months wondering what the hell just
happened. It's a conversation, not a
(42:02):
cancellation notice. Follow up is the underrated MVP
of effective communication. It's how you signal.
Hey, I didn't just unload A vulnerable truth bomb and dip.
I'm still here. We're still good.
We're not silently stewing in mutual confusion.
(42:24):
It's the emotional version of folding your laundry instead of
letting it live in a basket likea depression sculpture.
You've already done the heavy lifting.
Now close the loop. Send the recap text, drop the
just checking in message. Say hey, I was thinking more
(42:45):
about what we talked about and not because you're being clingy
or trying to win communication Gold Star of the year, but
because you're a functioning human who understands that
unresolved conversations are basically just use your
conflicts with better lighting and especially after hard
(43:07):
conversations, follow up is non negotiable.
Without it, one person walks away thinking that went
surprisingly well and the other is spiraling in the shower
convinced the friendship is on life support because you blinked
too slowly. A quick check in clears the
(43:29):
static and reminds people hey I still care, we're still on the
same team. Also yes I meant what I said and
no I didn't secretly hate you the whole time without follow
up. You are very reasonable.
Boundary top vulnerable share orcollaborative life planning
(43:53):
moment just turns into emotionalghosting.
And you know what ghosting is? Lazy confusing the social
equivalent of walking out mid sentence and calling it closure.
Don't be that person. Because real communication isn't
(44:15):
just about saying things. It's about sticking around after
the words have landed to make sure nothing exploded.
It's about making space for clarity, cleanup, and connection
after the fact. Otherwise, you're not
communicating, you're performing.
(44:37):
And frankly, the world already has enough emotionally avoidant.
One person shows. So circle back, wrap it up and
prove that you're not just dropping truth bombs and peace
signs. Say let's finish this thread,
not let's pretend it never happened because follow up.
(45:03):
That's where trust is built and the bar is so low that even a
one line check in can make you look like an emotional genius.
Let's be real, effective communication isn't just about
making sounds come out of your face hole and hoping for the
best. It's about actually connecting.
(45:24):
Like on a real human level, not just weather updates and dead
eyed. I'm good you responses.
We're talking about the kind of interaction where people walk
away feeling seen, heard and notemotionally side eyed the whole
time. Because here's the T You can be
(45:46):
articulate as hell and still suck at communication.
If you're doing it to prove a point instead of build a bridge.
If you're speaking just to be right, just to win, or just to
passively, aggressively, passiveaggressively and let someone
know that they've disappointed you in 47 subtle ways, Congrats,
(46:10):
you're not communicating. You're just emotionally
cosplaying as someone who gives a damn.
But when you tap into the Holy Trinity of solid communication,
actually listening, speaking like a grounded adult, and not
weaponizing every conversation like it's a debate club
showdown, that's when the magic happens.
(46:33):
Suddenly you're not in constant miscommunication quicksand.
You're not triggering triggeringWorld War three just because
someone replied K instead of OK.You're building trust, diffusing
drama, and creating relationships that don't feel
like group projects with emotional free freeloaders.
(46:54):
And let's be clear, nobody comesout of the womb as a
communication Jedi. This is learned behavior built
through trial, error, and a deeply humbling amount of cringe
moments you'll replay in the shower for years to come.
It's a skill like parallel parking or learning not to text
(47:18):
your ex when Mercury is in retrograde.
Practice matters. self-awarenessmatters more.
Humility essential. So yeah, keep flexing that
awkward little communication muscle.
Screw it up. Apologize when you do.
(47:41):
Learn from the conversations that crash and burn instead of
just deleting the chat thread and pretending it never
happened. Learn when to shut up.
Learn when to speak up. Learn how to say what you mean
without sending someone into a spiral.
And maybe, just maybe, stop treating every interaction like
(48:04):
a verbal Hunger Games. Because at the end of the day,
effective communication isn't about having all the right
words. It's about making someone feel
like you give a shit and that that's the real win.
And there you have it, our crashcourse in how to communicate
(48:28):
like a fully functioning human and not a passive aggressive
Cryptid with a Wi-Fi connection.We covered it all.
Listening without mentally rehearsing your next line,
saying what you mean without turning it into a performance
piece, timing your truths like apro, and following it up like
someone who actually gives a damn.
(48:50):
Because let's face it, communication isn't some magical
talent. You either have or don't.
It's a skill when it gets betterevery time you choose clarity
over chaos, empathy over ego, and connection over being right.
It's not always easy. Sometimes it's awkward,
(49:13):
sometimes it's messy, and sometimes you'll walk away from
a conversation thinking, well, that could have gone better.
But the point isn't perfection, it's progress.
So here's your reminder. Speak honestly, listen fully,
(49:36):
ask the damn follow up question,and when in doubt, assume less,
clarify more. And maybe, just maybe, don't
have your deepest heart to heartwhen someone's mid IKEA assembly
or crying over their cat. Thanks for pushing play on
(50:00):
Shrink Raft. If this episode made you laugh,
cringe, not aggressively, or reevaluate your last three text
messages, go ahead and share it with a friend who needs it just
as much as you did. Don't forget to rate, review and
subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, Spotify, Apple, Amazon
(50:20):
Music, iHeartRadio or through the O'Neill Counseling app where
you can also join our listener community and talk with other
humans trying to get better at this whole being a person thing.
Next week is another guided journal episode and I really
like where this one is going to take us.
Until next time, keep talking, keep listening, and remember the
(50:43):
goal isn't to win the conversation, it's to have one.
Give or try to use your words and somehow still end up in a
passive aggressive standoff, a group chat misunderstanding, or
a 45 minute argument that started with I'm fine.
Yeah, same communication is allegedly the thing that
separates us from the animals, but let's be honest, a lot of us
(00:26):
are just highly verbal raccoons with unresolved issues and
Wi-Fi. We say too much, say too little,
say the wrong thing, or rehearsethe perfect comeback in the
shower six hours too late. And don't even get me started on
tone, because apparently how yousay something matters just as
(00:48):
much as what you're saying, which feels like a personal
attack on every sarcastic person's right to exist.
Today's episode, we're cutting through the noise.
No fluff, no corporate team building retreat energy.
Just real talk about how to say what you mean, mean what you
say, and stop turning every conversation into an accidental
(01:13):
episode of Emotional Survivor. Let's get into it.
Effective communication is the backbone of literally every
functional relationship. Romantic, platonic,
(01:36):
professional. Or that weird vibe you have with
your barista where you both pretend it's just about coffee
but there's a silent understanding you'd trust them
with your life in a zombie apocalypse.
And no, it's not just about talking.
If it were, every oversharing aunt with a Facebook account
would be a communication guru. Effective communication is about
(02:01):
connecting, like actually letting someone into your
internal Wi-Fi network instead of just projecting at them like
a broken Ted Talk on autoplay. It's about understanding, which,
spoiler alert, means you have tolisten without simultaneously
(02:21):
plotting your rebuttal, your grocery list, and whether or not
that text from your ex was emotionally manipulative.
It was. It's about being understood
without having to shrink yourself, decode your own
feelings in real time, or disguise your needs in a cryptic
mix of memes and vague Instagramstories.
(02:44):
The goal isn't to be a perfect speaker or an applause worthy
listener. The goal is to show up as a
whole ass human, messy feelings,awkward pauses and all, and
build enough trust that you can say what you actually mean
without someone pulling a dramatic exit or weaponizing
(03:05):
your vulnerability like it's a reality show confessional.
Because at the end of the day, whether you're trying to resolve
a conflict, build intimacy, ask for a raise, or just not spiral
every time someone says can we talk?
Good communication is what keepsthings from crumbling into a
(03:26):
dumpster fire of resentment and assumptions.
So yes, it's essential. Not because it's some
professional buzzword, but because life's already chaotic
enough. Don't make your relationships
harder than they need to be by playing emotional charades.
(03:48):
Instead of just saying the damn thing, let's start with the
painfully obvious. If communication were just about
talking, we'd all be relationship experts and
conflict would be solved with a single group chat.
But Nope. Turns out the real magic trick
(04:08):
isn't saying the perfect thing, it's shutting up long enough to
actually listen. Because here's the thing, most
people think they're good listeners, but really they're
just silently waiting for their turn to talk like it's a verbal
game of double Dutch and they'reitching to jump in with.
(04:29):
Yeah, but my experience, active listening isn't just about
hearing sounds and nodding like a motivational bobble head.
It's about being present fully, uncomfortably, and without
checking your imaginary script. Or what do I say next, Social
(04:51):
Survival Edition? That means put down your phone,
stop mentally drafting your grocery list or revenge fantasy,
and be there for real. Make eye contact, not the creepy
unblinking kind. Toss in an occasional or head
(05:12):
nod to show you haven't emotionally heeded yourself into
another dimension. And when in doubt, paraphrase.
Not like the malfunctioning robot, but like a human who
gives at least half a damn try. So what I'm hearing is instead
of steamrolling them with well, here's what I think.
(05:35):
And for the love of all that is holy, stop interrupting.
I don't care how brilliant, hilarious or life changing your
thought is, it can wait 10 seconds.
No one likes being emotionally mansplained or cut off mid
(05:55):
feelings like they're a side character in your mental
monologue. Let people land the plane before
you go grabbing the controls. Because when someone actually
feels heard, that's where the good stuff lives.
Defenses go down. Connection goes up.
(06:15):
Suddenly you're not just lobbingwords back and forth like
emotional dodge balls. You're building trust.
And that, my friend, is the actual secret sauce of healthy
communication. So before you go chasing the
perfect response, try this bold new strategy.
Listen like you care. Shocking, I know.
(06:42):
You ever listen to someone talk and think, wow, that was a lot
of words to say absolutely nothing?
Yeah, same. We've all sat through a
conversation or 12 where someonetried to make a simple point and
(07:04):
ended up taking us on a verbal escape room adventure full of
vague metaphors, plot twists, and unnecessary lore.
So here's a wild idea. If you want people to actually
understand you it, maybe don't bury your message under 15
metaphors, 3 side quests, and a paragraph of filler that reads
(07:26):
like you swallowed A thesaurus during Mercury Retrograde.
Communication isn't performance art.
You're not writing a soliloquy. Clear communication isn't about
sounding impressive, it's about landing the damn plane.
(07:47):
Rambling doesn't make you wise, it makes people's eyes blaze
over like they've just been hit with a software update they
didn't approve. So here's your friendly
reminder. Stick to one point at a time. 1.
Not a bullet point breakdown of every thought you've had since
(08:09):
2006. You are not a walking Wikipedia
rabbit hole unless someone explicitly asked for the
extended universe version of your story.
Keep it tight. Deliver your message like it's
got somewhere to be, because it does into someone's overworked,
(08:30):
under arrested, emotionally overstimulated brain.
Also, can we can we talk about jargon?
Please? Retire the phrases synergizing
cross functional deliverables and leveraging interpersonal
bandwidth. You're not in a corporate ad
campaign, you're just trying to tell someone what you mean
(08:52):
without them meeting a decoder ring and a cup of coffee.
Use simple human language, not because your audience is dumb,
but because they're busy and mentally juggling 14 other
things while pretending to listen.
And if you're tempted to over explain, resist the urge to turn
(09:17):
every sentence into a Ted talk about your internal processing
system. No one asked for a dissertation
on your personal growth paradigm.
Just say you're going through some stuff.
Keep it clear, keep it honest, keep it human.
Because when it comes to communication, being understood
(09:40):
will always beat being impressive every single time.
And here's the deal. You could say all the right
words in the right order with a sprinkle of emotional
intelligence and still accidentally insult someone if
(10:01):
your face is giving bored internduring mandatory training and
your tone sounds like a sarcastic GPS voice.
Non verbal communication is likethe chaotic roommate of your
verbal self, always doing the most in the background while
you're trying to act like you have it all together.
(10:25):
You can say the most thoughtful,well crafted sentence in the
universe, but if your tone is flat, your posture is screaming
hostage situation and your face is giving emotionally dead
inside, guess what? That is what people will
remember. Your body's out here writing
(10:46):
checks your words can't cash want to come off like you're
actually present and not just physically occupying space like
a sentient coat rack. Start with eye contact.
Not the unblinking soul piercinghorror movie kind, but enough to
show you're tuned in and not mentally Googling how to exit a
(11:09):
conversation politely. Bonus, it makes people feel like
you care, which hot tip is kind of the point of communication in
the 1st place. Then there's your posture, an
often overlooked but wildly loudstatement.
Slouching, crossed arms turned away body.
(11:32):
That's the equivalent of holdingup a sign that says I hate this
and I want out. On the flip side, open and relax
posture is basically your body saying I'm safe, I'm here, and
no, I'm not silently judging your life choices.
It doesn't have to be perfect, just not aggressively closed off
(11:54):
like you're preparing for emotional battle.
Now let's also talk about tone and pace by the dynamic duo of
unintentional chaos. If you talk like you've got a
Red Bull IV and a point to prove, people are going to
assume one of two things. Either you're panicking or
(12:15):
you're trying to solve them. A pyramid scheme.
Slow down. Match your energy to the
conversation. If someone's telling you about a
painful memory, don't respond like you're reading a brunch
menu. And please don't laugh nervously
while they're crying. That's not empathy.
(12:39):
That's emotional whiplash. Oh, and your face.
It's not subtle. If your words are saying I'm
happy for you, but your eyebrowsare in a judgmental arch and
your smile looks like it's beingheld hostage, people will
notice. You might think you're being
(13:00):
neutral, but your face is out here screaming.
I have several thoughts and noneof them are kind.
We all block it, subconsciously or not.
People are picking up on every micro expression, side eye and
sarcastic eyebrow twitch. Bottom line, your body is
(13:20):
talking even when you're not. So maybe start checking what
it's saying before it accidentally delivers a
monologue titled I'm not OK and this is a cry for help.
When your non verbal game matches your words, that's when
people actually feel what you'resaying, not just hear it.
(13:42):
Let's get one thing straight. Empathy is not just nodding like
a supportive bobble head while someone emotionally implodes in
front of you. It's not replying same to
someone's trauma dump. And it's definitely not offering
up unsolicited advice like you're a walking Pinterest quote
(14:04):
with Wi-Fi. Real empathy?
That's emotional presence. It's the act of shutting the
hell up long enough to actually feel with someone, not just
perform concern while mentally drafting your grocery list or
waiting for a chance to drop your own story in like it's a
(14:25):
game. Sadness.
Uno Empathy isn't just some softskill fluff, it's the Wi-Fi
signal that connects to nervous systems.
If communication is the device, empathy is the signal strength.
And if you're giving dial up energy, no one's getting
(14:46):
through. Practicing empathy means you
stop dodging people's feelings like emotional potholes on your
morning commute. You acknowledge them.
You say things like that sounds like a lot or I can tell this is
really weighing on you instead of pulling a full Olympic level
(15:10):
pivot into your unrelated suffering.
Oh, you're overwhelmed? That reminds me of the time I
almost died in a Walgreens. Please no.
And if you don't know what to say, great.
That's actually a prime opportunity to ask better
(15:33):
questions, not bland one word answer bait.
Like are you OK? Because no, they're clearly not.
But open-ended questions like how are you really feeling about
all this? Or what would feel supportive
right now. Because you're not there to
(15:55):
crack a case, you're there to create a soft landing spot for
someone's mess. Also, and I cannot stress this
enough, stop trying to fix it. Unless someone asked you to.
You are not a licensed therapist.
(16:16):
Unless you are, in which case still chill.
You are not a human version of Google Calendar here to optimize
their emotional experience. Sometimes people just want to be
heard, not handed a five step action plan or told to drink
more water and go outside like that's going to unruin their
(16:40):
day. Empathy is showing up with
presents, not perfection. It's being the kind of person
who says you don't have to go through this alone instead of
have you tried journaling? It's holding space, not holding
court. Because when someone feels seen,
(17:03):
not analyzed, dismissed or over coached, that's when real
communication happens. That's when defenses drop,
honesty shows up, and connectionbecomes the main character.
So unless someone specifically asked for your life advice or
Ted talk on resilience through scented candle therapy, do
(17:27):
everyone a favor and lead with compassion, not correction.
Now. Honesty is the backbone of every
solid relationship, whether it'swith your best friend, your
boss, or your situation ship whokeeps sending mixed signals and
(17:49):
emoji cryptic nonsense. But here's the catch.
Honesty without tact is just emotional vomit.
And tact without honesty, That'sjust people pleasing in a trench
coat. Being open doesn't mean blurting
(18:09):
out every thought that runs across your brain like a rogue
headline ticker, but it does mean dropping the passive
aggressive bread crumbs and finally saying the actual thing
instead of forcing everyone to play emotional clue to figure
out what the hell you mean. If your communication style
(18:30):
requires A decoder ring and three follow up texts, it's time
for an upgrade. Being open means putting the
truth on the table, but like, ina way that doesn't make people
want to flip the table over and walk out.
Stop dancing around your needs like you're auditioning for so
(18:51):
you think you can subtweet. Just say the thing.
Say it clearly, say it kindly, and say it before the volcano of
resentment erupts and scorches everyone with an emotional
radius. And while we're here, I
statements exist for a reason. And no, it's not just because
(19:15):
your therapist told you to use them, it's because they actually
work. I feel anxious when I don't have
the details, is emotionally mature, you never communicate,
and I'm tired of doing all the work.
Is the relationship booby trap? One leads to a solution, the
(19:38):
other leads to someone saying I need space and disappearing into
the sunset with your emotional dignity and Oh yes, feedback.
If someone has the nerve to say hey that thing you said kind of
sucked, Your job is not to morphinto a defensive rage monster or
(20:00):
start speed running your trauma.Resume your job.
Is to pause, unclench, and ask yourself, could they be right?
Because here's a wild truth. Being open also means being open
(20:22):
to the idea that you might sometimes get it wrong.
That your delivery was off, Thatyour tone screamed middle school
cafeteria grudge. And that's not shameful.
That's just being human. Being honest doesn't mean being
(20:42):
brutal. It doesn't mean slapping a just
being real label on your unfiltered feelings and calling
it growth. It means showing up with respect
for yourself, yes, but also for the person on the other side of
the conversation who's just trying to survive the day
(21:03):
without getting emotionally T boned.
Because real honesty, It builds trust.
It builds connection. It says you matter enough for me
to be real with you, not let me emotionally unload and call it
intimacy. So let's leave the guessing
(21:27):
games and emotional landmines behind.
Yeah, life's too short to communicate like a cryptic
Instagram caption. You know what's fun?
When your brain writes a full blown emotional Horror Story
based on a single text that saysK.
(21:50):
No context, no tone, just one lonely consonant.
And suddenly you're spiraling, convinced your friend hates you,
your relationship is doomed, andyour barista definitely judged
you this morning. And that, my friend, is the dark
(22:13):
art of assumptions. Here's the thing.
Assumptions are just little lieswe tell ourselves to avoid doing
the mildly uncomfortable but emotionally mature thing asking
for clarity. You think you know what someone
(22:33):
meant with that vague, sure, butsuspiciously delayed reply?
Or that cursed thumbs up emoji? But unless you ask, you're just
letting your anxiety play Mad Libs with reality.
And let's be honest, your anxiety is not a reliable
(22:56):
narrator. It's a chaotic goblin who
thrives on worst case scenarios and 0 evidence.
Assumptions are the fast food ofcommunication.
Cheap, easy, immediately satisfying, and 5 minutes later
you're bloated with regret wondering how you got here.
(23:21):
They lead to passive aggressive text wars, interpretive
emotional tantrums, and entire arguments built on vibes and
vibes alone. Suddenly you're in a full blown
conflict over a misunderstandingthat could have been cleared up
with one clarifying question. So here's your permission slip
(23:47):
to stop pretending you're psychic and start using your
words like the emotionally evolved human you claim to be.
Ask, clarify, say hey, I just want to make sure I understood
that right instead of launching into defense mode or silently
(24:07):
seething until you explode at 3:00 AM over a pizza topping.
And if you're feeling fancy, trythe paraphrasing power move
something like. So just to be clear, when you
said you needed space, you meantlike time to think, not time to
delete my number, right? It's not needy, it's
(24:29):
responsible. You're not mansplaining, you're
ensuring mutual reality alignment.
Big difference. Because the truth is, nobody is
a mind reader. We are all out here projecting
our trauma and hoping we guessedright.
(24:50):
So instead of turning every unclear moment into a
psychological thriller directed by your inner catastrophizer,
just ask the damn question. Clarity.
It's underrated, it's sexy. It saves friendships,
relationships, and your own peace.
(25:12):
Confusion, meanwhile, is exhausting and makes you the
main character in a drama no oneelse is even watching.
If I watch someone walk into a conversation like a bowl in a
China shop, wielding the same tone, vocabulary and energy no
matter who they're talking to, Grandma, Boss, Tinder, date
(25:35):
doesn't matter and think, Oh no,they don't know how to read a
room. Yeah, it's painful and wildly
avoidable because here's the deal.
Effective communication isn't one-size-fits-all.
It's more like emotional shape shifting.
(25:57):
You don't use the same tone withyour therapist that you do while
rage texting your group chat. At least I hope you don't.
The way you speak during a wine fueled vent sesh with your best
friend is not the way you shouldaddress your boss in a
performance review. Unless your boss is also your
(26:19):
brunch buddy, in which case congratulations.
But also HR would like a quiet word.
Different people, different vibes.
That's communication one O 1. If someone has authority over
your paycheck, may be cool with the memes and any ways I'm
(26:39):
spiraling intros. If someone's already emotionally
tenderized by life, maybe don't lead with blunt honesty wrapped
wrapped in sarcasm like your Gordon Ramsay delivering life
advice. And if you're engaging with
someone from a different culture, please, please don't
(27:02):
assume your way of expressing things is the universal gold
standard. What sounds confident to you
might sound like an aggressive stand up set to someone else.
And let's not forget the context.
It freaking matters. Dropping F bombs and existential
(27:23):
jokes at a funeral or a quarterly board meeting?
Bolt possibly iconic, but also maybe wildly inappropriate
unless it's a very specific kindof funeral or a startup where
(27:44):
everyone's entire personality isbased on being disruptive.
The point is, tone it up, tone it down, read the room, have
range not to be fake, but to be appropriate.
There's a difference between being authentic and trauma
(28:05):
dumping on your coworker while they're just trying to heat up
their sad desk lunch. And if you're someone who
proudly leads every interaction with Will I just tell it like it
is, that's not a personality trait, that's a warning label.
It's the social equivalent of I'm not like other girls or I'm
(28:29):
just brutally honest which usually translates to I lack
self-awareness and would rather be edgy than kind.
Bottom line, communication is part art, part social strategy
and part self-control. Know who you're talking to,
(28:51):
match the moment, and adjust accordingly.
Because being able to shift yourtone, your delivery, and your
language without losing your authenticity.
That's not fake. That's emotional intelligence.
And we'd love to see it. Now let's not sugarcoat it.
(29:15):
Difficult conversations are the emotional equivalent of
unplugging a drain. Uncomfortable, messy, and
somehow way worse the longer youavoid it.
But guess what? You can't just ghost your way
out of every conflict and call it protecting your peace.
(29:36):
Sometimes you got to pull up your big kid pants and have the
talk. Difficult conversations are like
the dentist appointments of emotional adulthood.
Nobody looks forward to them. Most people avoid them way too
long and if you ignore the issuefor too long, something will rot
(29:59):
and fall out. Probably the relationship.
Whether it's a breakup conversation, boundary check,
hey, your behavior is low key unhinged moment, or a brave
attempt to address the fact thatBrad and Accounting keeps nuking
fish in the communal microwave like he's staging quiet office
(30:20):
rebellion, these conversations are unavoidable.
They're uncomfortable, vulnerable, and yes, sometimes
wildly messy. But they are necessary.
Like emotional exfoliation. Rough, but worth it.
(30:42):
The trick? Don't roll in like you're
auditioning for a Real Housewives reunion, ready to
flip a table and weaponize everygrievance since 2019.
You're not there to win. You're there to connect, to be
heard, to hear, and to maybe, just maybe leave the
(31:06):
conversation without torching the relationship and rage
texting your group chat immediately afterwards.
Start by separating the issue from the person.
I felt hurt when you bailed on dinner without texting.
Is mature, clear, and emotionally grounded.
(31:28):
You're a selfish flake who nevershows up for me and honestly I
don't know why I even bother anymore, is less so.
One opens the door and the otherswings it shot and sets it on
fire. And let's talk about listening,
because, shocker, it's not just the waiting room for your next
(31:51):
combat. You're not in court.
You're not on a debate team. You're not the main character in
a revenge fantasy. Your job is to let the other
person speak and maybe, just maybe, actually absorb what
they're saying. Let the words float in the air
(32:12):
for a beat. Sit with them.
Breathe through the urge to clapback.
Sometimes what they're saying won't be fun to hear, but it
might be true, or at least true for them.
And if you can meet that truth with curiosity instead of ego,
(32:33):
that's where the growth lives. Yes, hard conversations suck.
You know what sucks harder? Years of unresolved tension,
simmering resentment, and silentscore keeping that turns every
interaction into a passive aggressive chess match.
(32:55):
When you lean into the awkwardness and show up with
patience, honesty, and the bare minimum of emotional maturity,
magic happens. Things get clear, trust gets
stronger, and even if it doesn'tend perfectly, at least you
(33:16):
walked away knowing you showed up with your whole chest and
said the real thing, not just stood in silence while plotting
your next dramatic text exit. Because avoiding conflict might
feel easier in the moment, but in the long run it's just self
sabotage and sweatpants. Be brave.
(33:39):
Be kind. Be the emotionally evolved sloth
the world needs now. You ever get feedback that feels
less like helpful guidance and more like someone handed you an
insult with a side of corporate jargon?
Yeah, that's not feedback. That's emotional littering.
(34:03):
Because giving feedback is a delicate art, not an open mic
roast. It's not your chance to unleash
your inner Simon Cowell or offerunsolicited notes like you're a
judge on America's Got Triggers.If your goal is to actually help
someone improve, not just flex your authority or passive
(34:27):
aggressively vent your frustrations, you've got to lead
with clarity, kindness, and justenough tact to not make the
other person want to make their own disappearance rule #1 be
specific. Vague feedback is the worst kind
of feedback. You need to be better.
(34:51):
Doesn't help. It just leaves the other person
standing there. Like OK, but how?
That's not constructive, that's just a motivational mug with bad
vibes. Instead, point out something
real. Hey, I noticed the meeting notes
(35:12):
were missing some key details. Let's find a way to make that
easier next time. Boom, clear kind still leaves
their dignity intact. Next up, the compliment
sandwich. Yes, it gets dragged for being
formulaic formulaic, but when you do it right, it works.
(35:35):
Start with what they did well without sounding fake.
Slide in the feedback like a grown up, and end with something
encouraging, not patronizing. You're not here to sprinkle
glitter on a dumpster fire. You're here to say you've got
potential and room to improve, and both can be true at the same
(35:57):
time. Think.
Here's where you shine. Here's where we Polish instead
of here's a compliment so I can legally roast you down.
And please, for the love of professionalism, be solution
focused. Don't just throw a problem on
someone's desk like a flaming paper bag and walk away
(36:20):
whistling. Offer tools, offer support, hell
even offer a troubleshoot feedback that ends with.
So good luck with that. Is not feedback.
It's being unhelpful in businesscasual because ultimately
(36:42):
constructive feedback is not about calling someone out.
It's about calling them forward.It's a nudge, not a shove.
It's a hey, here's where we go from here, not a here's
everything you've ever done wrong since first.
And if you can deliver it in a way that feels supportive rather
(37:06):
than scarring, you just unlockedthe elite level communication
badge. Most people fumble their way
through adulthood never earning.So skip the vague shade, hold
the ego, and aim for growth witha side of grace.
And if you can do that without making someone in the break room
(37:28):
cry, congratulations, you're officially doing it better than
90% of middle management. Now let's be real, some of y'all
are out here dropping some heavyemotional truths like surprise
plot twists with 0 regard for timing and it shows.
(37:55):
Because here's a spicy little truth no one tells you in a
communication one O 1. You can say all the right things
in all the wrong moments and still end up in a full blown
disaster spiral. You could craft a message so
(38:17):
perfect that your therapist would weep with pride.
But if you drop it when the other person is stress eating
crackers and assembling A malm dresser with missing screws,
congratulations, you just turneda meaningful conversation into a
(38:39):
live action meltdown. Timing is the unsung hero of
communication, and ignoring it is like trying to deliver a
wedding toast during a fire drill.
Even your best, most heartfelt We Need to Talk will land like a
(39:02):
flaming brick and a bouncy castle if the emotional climate
is already unstable. And yes, that includes
initiating serious chats when someone's clearly clinging to
their last shred of sanity, their coffee cup, or their
dignity. Read the room.
(39:25):
Are they visibly stressed mid crisis, white knuckling their
laptop while muttering under their breath?
It Maybe don't bring up how you feel unsupported in the
relationship right now. Save that for a moment when
they're not running on caffeine,cortisol, and whatever audacity
(39:50):
of the day has handed them. And please consider context.
There's a difference between being emotionally available and
ambushing someone with depth when they're emotionally
sunburned. Don't bring up your fears about
(40:10):
mortality while someone's two sips into Rose A at game night
or already crying about their dog.
There's timing and there's emotional terrorism.
It's not about walking on egg shells, it's about not lighting
the eggs on fire and then blaming them for being fragile.
(40:34):
Choosing the right moment isn't manipulative, it's considerate.
It's saying I respect this conversation enough to give it a
fighting chance, not let me emotionally hijack this already
tense Tuesday. So before you dive head first
(40:55):
into a heartfelt monologue, do avibe check.
Ask yourself, is this a good time?
Or am I just looking for relief and calling it authenticity?
Because yes, good communication is honest, but great
(41:17):
communication is honest and welltimed.
Pick your moment like your relationship and your Peace of
Mind depend on it. Because spoiler, they kind of
do. And look, just because the words
(41:39):
have exited your mouth or thumbsdoesn't mean the conversation is
magically complete. This isn't a mic drop moment
where you say your truth, strut off stage and queue applause.
It's not a Netflix season finalewhere we all sit with
cliffhangers for eight months wondering what the hell just
happened. It's a conversation, not a
(42:02):
cancellation notice. Follow up is the underrated MVP
of effective communication. It's how you signal.
Hey, I didn't just unload A vulnerable truth bomb and dip.
I'm still here. We're still good.
We're not silently stewing in mutual confusion.
(42:24):
It's the emotional version of folding your laundry instead of
letting it live in a basket likea depression sculpture.
You've already done the heavy lifting.
Now close the loop. Send the recap text, drop the
just checking in message. Say hey, I was thinking more
(42:45):
about what we talked about and not because you're being clingy
or trying to win communication Gold Star of the year, but
because you're a functioning human who understands that
unresolved conversations are basically just use your
conflicts with better lighting and especially after hard
(43:07):
conversations, follow up is non negotiable.
Without it, one person walks away thinking that went
surprisingly well and the other is spiraling in the shower
convinced the friendship is on life support because you blinked
too slowly. A quick check in clears the
(43:29):
static and reminds people hey I still care, we're still on the
same team. Also yes I meant what I said and
no I didn't secretly hate you the whole time without follow
up. You are very reasonable.
Boundary top vulnerable share orcollaborative life planning
(43:53):
moment just turns into emotionalghosting.
And you know what ghosting is? Lazy confusing the social
equivalent of walking out mid sentence and calling it closure.
Don't be that person. Because real communication isn't
(44:15):
just about saying things. It's about sticking around after
the words have landed to make sure nothing exploded.
It's about making space for clarity, cleanup, and connection
after the fact. Otherwise, you're not
communicating, you're performing.
(44:37):
And frankly, the world already has enough emotionally avoidant.
One person shows. So circle back, wrap it up and
prove that you're not just dropping truth bombs and peace
signs. Say let's finish this thread,
not let's pretend it never happened because follow up.
(45:03):
That's where trust is built and the bar is so low that even a
one line check in can make you look like an emotional genius.
Let's be real, effective communication isn't just about
making sounds come out of your face hole and hoping for the
best. It's about actually connecting.
(45:24):
Like on a real human level, not just weather updates and dead
eyed. I'm good you responses.
We're talking about the kind of interaction where people walk
away feeling seen, heard and notemotionally side eyed the whole
time. Because here's the T You can be
(45:46):
articulate as hell and still suck at communication.
If you're doing it to prove a point instead of build a bridge.
If you're speaking just to be right, just to win, or just to
passively, aggressively, passiveaggressively and let someone
know that they've disappointed you in 47 subtle ways, Congrats,
(46:10):
you're not communicating. You're just emotionally
cosplaying as someone who gives a damn.
But when you tap into the Holy Trinity of solid communication,
actually listening, speaking like a grounded adult, and not
weaponizing every conversation like it's a debate club
showdown, that's when the magic happens.
(46:33):
Suddenly you're not in constant miscommunication quicksand.
You're not triggering triggeringWorld War three just because
someone replied K instead of OK.You're building trust, diffusing
drama, and creating relationships that don't feel
like group projects with emotional free freeloaders.
(46:54):
And let's be clear, nobody comesout of the womb as a
communication Jedi. This is learned behavior built
through trial, error, and a deeply humbling amount of cringe
moments you'll replay in the shower for years to come.
It's a skill like parallel parking or learning not to text
(47:18):
your ex when Mercury is in retrograde.
Practice matters. self-awarenessmatters more.
Humility essential. So yeah, keep flexing that
awkward little communication muscle.
Screw it up. Apologize when you do.
(47:41):
Learn from the conversations that crash and burn instead of
just deleting the chat thread and pretending it never
happened. Learn when to shut up.
Learn when to speak up. Learn how to say what you mean
without sending someone into a spiral.
And maybe, just maybe, stop treating every interaction like
(48:04):
a verbal Hunger Games. Because at the end of the day,
effective communication isn't about having all the right
words. It's about making someone feel
like you give a shit and that that's the real win.
And there you have it, our crashcourse in how to communicate
(48:28):
like a fully functioning human and not a passive aggressive
Cryptid with a Wi-Fi connection.We covered it all.
Listening without mentally rehearsing your next line,
saying what you mean without turning it into a performance
piece, timing your truths like apro, and following it up like
someone who actually gives a damn.
(48:50):
Because let's face it, communication isn't some magical
talent. You either have or don't.
It's a skill when it gets betterevery time you choose clarity
over chaos, empathy over ego, and connection over being right.
It's not always easy. Sometimes it's awkward,
(49:13):
sometimes it's messy, and sometimes you'll walk away from
a conversation thinking, well, that could have gone better.
But the point isn't perfection, it's progress.
So here's your reminder. Speak honestly, listen fully,
(49:36):
ask the damn follow up question,and when in doubt, assume less,
clarify more. And maybe, just maybe, don't
have your deepest heart to heartwhen someone's mid IKEA assembly
or crying over their cat. Thanks for pushing play on
(50:00):
Shrink Raft. If this episode made you laugh,
cringe, not aggressively, or reevaluate your last three text
messages, go ahead and share it with a friend who needs it just
as much as you did. Don't forget to rate, review and
subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, Spotify, Apple, Amazon
(50:20):
Music, iHeartRadio or through the O'Neill Counseling app where
you can also join our listener community and talk with other
humans trying to get better at this whole being a person thing.
Next week is another guided journal episode and I really
like where this one is going to take us.
Until next time, keep talking, keep listening, and remember the
(50:43):
goal isn't to win the conversation, it's to have one.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
The Burden
The Burden is a documentary series that takes listeners into the hidden places where justice is done (and undone). It dives deep into the lives of heroes and villains. And it focuses a spotlight on those who triumph even when the odds are against them. Season 5 - The Burden: Death & Deceit in Alliance On April Fools Day 1999, 26-year-old Yvonne Layne was found murdered in her Alliance, Ohio home. David Thorne, her ex-boyfriend and father of one of her children, was instantly a suspect. Another young man admitted to the murder, and David breathed a sigh of relief, until the confessed murderer fingered David; “He paid me to do it.” David was sentenced to life without parole. Two decades later, Pulitzer winner and podcast host, Maggie Freleng (Bone Valley Season 3: Graves County, Wrongful Conviction, Suave) launched a “live” investigation into David's conviction alongside Jason Baldwin (himself wrongfully convicted as a member of the West Memphis Three). Maggie had come to believe that the entire investigation of David was botched by the tiny local police department, or worse, covered up the real killer. Was Maggie correct? Was David’s claim of innocence credible? In Death and Deceit in Alliance, Maggie recounts the case that launched her career, and ultimately, “broke” her.” The results will shock the listener and reduce Maggie to tears and self-doubt. This is not your typical wrongful conviction story. In fact, it turns the genre on its head. It asks the question: What if our champions are foolish? Season 4 - The Burden: Get the Money and Run “Trying to murder my father, this was the thing that put me on the path.” That’s Joe Loya and that path was bank robbery. Bank, bank, bank, bank, bank. In season 4 of The Burden: Get the Money and Run, we hear from Joe who was once the most prolific bank robber in Southern California, and beyond. He used disguises, body doubles, proxies. He leaped over counters, grabbed the money and ran. Even as the FBI was closing in. It was a showdown between a daring bank robber, and a patient FBI agent. Joe was no ordinary bank robber. He was bright, articulate, charismatic, and driven by a dark rage that he summoned up at will. In seven episodes, Joe tells all: the what, the how… and the why. Including why he tried to murder his father. Season 3 - The Burden: Avenger Miriam Lewin is one of Argentina’s leading journalists today. At 19 years old, she was kidnapped off the streets of Buenos Aires for her political activism and thrown into a concentration camp. Thousands of her fellow inmates were executed, tossed alive from a cargo plane into the ocean. Miriam, along with a handful of others, will survive the camp. Then as a journalist, she will wage a decades long campaign to bring her tormentors to justice. Avenger is about one woman’s triumphant battle against unbelievable odds to survive torture, claim justice for the crimes done against her and others like her, and change the future of her country. Season 2 - The Burden: Empire on Blood Empire on Blood is set in the Bronx, NY, in the early 90s, when two young drug dealers ruled an intersection known as “The Corner on Blood.” The boss, Calvin Buari, lived large. He and a protege swore they would build an empire on blood. Then the relationship frayed and the protege accused Calvin of a double homicide which he claimed he didn’t do. But did he? Award-winning journalist Steve Fishman spent seven years to answer that question. This is the story of one man’s last chance to overturn his life sentence. He may prevail, but someone’s gotta pay. The Burden: Empire on Blood is the director’s cut of the true crime classic which reached #1 on the charts when it was first released half a dozen years ago. Season 1 - The Burden In the 1990s, Detective Louis N. Scarcella was legendary. In a city overrun by violent crime, he cracked the toughest cases and put away the worst criminals. “The Hulk” was his nickname. Then the story changed. Scarcella ran into a group of convicted murderers who all say they are innocent. They turned themselves into jailhouse-lawyers and in prison founded a lway firm. When they realized Scarcella helped put many of them away, they set their sights on taking him down. And with the help of a NY Times reporter they have a chance. For years, Scarcella insisted he did nothing wrong. But that’s all he’d say. Until we tracked Scarcella to a sauna in a Russian bathhouse, where he started to talk..and talk and talk. “The guilty have gone free,” he whispered. And then agreed to take us into the belly of the beast. Welcome to The Burden.