Episode 51 - What is Your Story? Navigating what part of Recovery as a Parent is yours to tell.

Shame-based emotional triggers, linked to substance use, can be detrimental especially if parents employ shame as a behavioral deterrent. Instead, our best offense is to heal ourselves.

Article cited, Published online 2022 Mar 18. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0265480, PMCID: PMC8932605, The shame spiral of addiction: Negative self-conscious emotion and substance use.

Thank you for listening and please visit www.siblinghoodofrecovery.com for free resources, links to organizations, groups and individuals who can offer help in the Journey of Recovery towards healing from substance use disorders. If you like this Podcast, please leave a rating on wherever you're listening. It will help to get the word out.

If there is one message I can leave you with, the best you can offer your loved one battling addiction is love and a healthier you.

Walk gently, my friend.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
My name is Angie Reno and I'm a mom on a recovery
journey from family dysfunction,addiction and perhaps all that
simply comes with the humancondition.
I'm not a licensed therapist,although I will always encourage
seeking out professional help.
I know therapy has changed mylife for the better.
There are many of us on thispath towards recovery, so let's

(00:23):
walk gently.
Welcome to Siblinghood ofRecovery.
Hello recovery community, Ihope you are doing well.
I hope this podcast finds youin a state of learning and hope

(00:49):
and looking to the future with adetermination of growth.
There's a lot when you'relooking up podcasts based on
substance use and I do put inthere the words addiction.
I think in the recoverycommunity we are trying to shift
towards the use of the wordsubstance use disorder, but

(01:14):
there's still a lot of us whosay right up front I know what
it's like to deal with addictionand it's okay.
If somebody wants to use thatword and they've clarified that
with you, that's fine.
But as we navigate our healingprocess through this, there's so
much to take in all at once andI was thinking about the

(01:38):
concept of story.
Like we meet in meeting rooms,whether it's in person or on a
zoom, and we introduce ourselvesto so many people in the
recovery community and we tellour story and my brain started
going towards if that story ispositive or if that story is

(02:01):
negative, how does that impactour ability to heal?
And I know personally I can, Ican say for sure that my story
over the last couple of yearshas changed drastically.
When I first started on thisjourney, I'm sure people could
hear the pain in my voice.
I'm sure they could hear thehurt, as good as I am at trying

(02:26):
to stay neutral when I describea difficult situation.
But I know now and even thoughI still try to stay neutral, you
know, in tonality and, I guess,body language, even now, when I
say yeah, I've just I've neverbeen this happy, which is the

(02:47):
truth People seem surprisedbecause of what my story is.
And then I started wonderingabout how my story, when it's
told, impacts my loved ones andI started researching the
concept of shame and substanceuse and, no big surprise, I

(03:12):
found that it's directlycorrelated.
I want to quote from a studythat's available on the National
Library of Medicine website,pubmed Central, and the article
is entitled the Shame Spiral ofAddiction Negative
Self-Conscious Emotion andSubstance Use.

(03:34):
I'll put a link in the shownotes.
And the cool part is this oneis free.
But the researchersspecifically spoke on
bi-directional associationsbetween negative self-conscious
emotions, such as shame andguilt, and substance use.
I found that incrediblyinteresting because I know in my

(03:59):
personal journey that I was notgood at limiting how I spoke to
my son when I was freaking outand I was in the middle of chaos
and it was the how could you,how could you, what the heck's
going on?
What are you doing to thefamily?

(04:20):
I mean all kinds of stuff,cause I was just out of control
too in my own self regulation,and the more that the recovery
experts had me focus on my ownbehavior, the less accusatory my
language became and the morepositive my language became

(04:43):
towards my loved one.
This study actually supportsthat progress towards a healthy
exchange, and how they did itwas they used methods that had
parallel processes of what theycall latent growth curve
modeling.
What they did is, in a numberof days, they equated the use of

(05:10):
stimulants to the engagement ofshame based emotional triggers
or shame based emotionalexchanges between loved ones as
experienced by the user thesubstance user and their
conclusions are shame and guiltor barriers to reducing

(05:30):
stimulant use.
That's pretty strong.
If you dig into this, howyou're speaking to your loved
one as they are using is goingto be incredibly important.
I know it's difficult.
Believe me.
I know because a lot of timesin the parent child relationship
, the parent is seeking anencounter that equals to the one

(05:52):
that they had when the childwas healthy and younger and not
as resistant.
Basically, you're looking forthe child that you love versus
the person who is usingsubstances, who's standing in
front of you.
This is actually termed in therecovery community the shame

(06:12):
addiction cycle.
It refers to a pattern ofsubstance use that is used to
escape the negative selfconscious emotions that are held
when the person is usingsubstances.
So you can imagine what awicked spiral this is.

(06:33):
In the craft based theory thatI've talked about, there is an
incredible focus on the supportcommunity understanding the
power of the emotional exchange,the power of words.
The deeper I go in learningabout recovery, I know how vital
that is, how vital thatemotional exchange is and how

(06:56):
important it is for us, asparents, to be keenly aware of
the words that we are using withour children, whether a
substance use is a challenge orwhether or not we're simply
engaging in a day to dayexchange of life.
There was an interesting partof this study and I'll read this

(07:17):
scientific explanation.
Notably pro-social aspects ofnegative self-conscious emotions
have been conceptualized froman evolutionary perspective,
including theorization thatshame and guilt function to
restrain human behavior ormaintain cultural standards.

(07:41):
Basically, shame was used as amethodology to curb bad behavior
, and if anybody was raisedCatholic, they know what I'm
talking about.
So that's another podcast and itcould be one that's
comedy-based or not, but yeah,so if you dig into this a parent

(08:06):
who is just entering this wholeprocess and who is an
experienced and maybe not yethas a community that they can
lean on they might use any toolthat they can grab ahold of that
they hope will restrict thesubstance use, and shame's an
easy grab.

(08:26):
How could you do this toyourself?
It's a question that does gothrough your mind, but the power
of that ask and how it landsand how it's digested is what
has to be understood.
The best way to do that is towork with and I'm going to say
it again a licensed therapistwho can dig in and help you, as

(08:52):
a parent, understand therepercussions of implementing a
shame-based technique to controlyour child.
Quote, unquote control rightand steer them away from using
substances.
Instead, there is a very strongpush to understand the why of

(09:14):
the substance use.
And how do you do that?
The key is to learn about yourown self-regulation, to go to a
licensed therapist to break downwhat's going on inside of you,
break down all that comes withthis your grief, your anger,
your frustration and then movetowards with professional help

(09:36):
and ability to self-regulate asyou approach your child and
begin to understand the why's.
Now, it's not simply saying whyare you doing this.
It is a process ofunderstanding why they're
drinking, why they're using.
Slowly start to improvecommunication, slowly start to

(10:00):
mitigate the chaos that ishappening in the home.
The hard part is that otherfamily members will be present.
Not all family memberssometimes are on board in
working towards a family plan.
That's just how it is.
If you can keep your eye on theball, though, and you can begin

(10:21):
to be a safe spot, a saferplace for your child, time and
time again, it will prove to bevaluable to you in the long run,
if not for the very aspect thatyou're going to get healthy
emotionally.
I've said it so many times andI'm going to say it so many

(10:42):
times again community isincredibly important.
Surrounding yourself withpeople who understand what
you're going through, it is huge.
It's going to be valuable.
So the reason why I was thinkingabout stories is if we tell a
story about our loved one usingand how horrible that is for the

(11:09):
family, and if that loved onehears that story, that loved one
is going to be ashamed.
And if that story profligatesand becomes a quote, unquote
part of the family story, thatloved one is now in a role.
Have you ever heard of thissaying?

(11:29):
Or have you ever heard somebodysay, yeah, I'm the black sheep
of the family?
I used to laugh, but now when Ihear it, there's like this sad
tug in my stomach because I'mlike, oh man, what comes along
with that story?
I have heard some of my friendssay, thank God I am because my
family's so dysfunctional.

(11:50):
Okay, that's orange, I'm justgoing to leave that to the side.
But when it comes to substanceuse, there is and needed
awareness for parents tounderstand how they're telling
the story, and especially ifthey're talking about their kids
, when their kids are present.
Because if you're talking aboutyour kids saying, yeah, you
know, this is just been Anightmare to deal with and the

(12:14):
kid hears that there's justNobody in the world that would
want to participate in thatstory.
I know I wouldn't.
I feel horrible about myselfBecause to know that you're part
of a major reason for familydysfunction or chaos it's a
burden to bear.

(12:35):
So the big ask I had of myselfwhen I realized that the story
defines who we are or where weare in our family condition,
really, for me the big ask waslike what do you want to tell
and do you have to tell anything?
Do you have to tell your familystory or can you just tell your

(12:56):
own and then your children telltheir story?
Because here's the funny part.
Well, I don't know how humorousit is, but maybe ironic.
I don't know the story thatwe're telling.
Whatever role that we think wemight be playing From another
person's perspective, we couldbe a completely different person

(13:19):
in that story.
And with recovery here's thereally cool part the story might
change.
So my big ask here is this isto myself for sure, but to a lot
of people who are in recoverybe open to that story changing.
Be open to, as recovery happens, the roles to change, the

(13:43):
outcome to change and, who knows, you might have a completely
different ending a year from nowthan the story that you're
telling today.
And if you're in the midst ofchaos, that would be pretty cool
.
All right, that's all I got fornow.
I hope that you are living agreat story for the moment that

(14:05):
you're listening to this podcast.
If you're not, find a communityaround you.
It's doable, it's possible.
There's so many of us out herethat know what you're going
through.
And, most of all, be good toyourself To connect with me.
Visit siblinghood of recoveryon Instagram or visit my website

(14:27):
, www.
Dot siblinghood of recovery dotcom.
Although I'm not overly activeon social media, I'll get back
with you as soon as I can.
On my site, I'm committed toproviding free resources.
You'll find links toinformation that point towards
12 stop meetings, craft basedtherapy programs and much more,
but please know you're notwalking this journey alone

(14:47):
simply from being human where acommunity that is growing each
and every day.
Be well, and I'll talk to yousoon.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.