Lessons from Recovery: Self-Regulation, Parenting Styles, and the Power of Resilience

Embarking on a personal journey of recovery from family dysfunction and substance use challenges can offer invaluable lessons. Through our effort to understand why our children are using substances, we must focus on the essential concepts of self-regulation, the impact of our parenting styles, and how we can become better parents through building up our own resilience. I offer up my own experience of learning how crucial it is to manage emotions and learn to focus on the present moment in order to create a safe emotional environment for my Family. Together, as a Siblinghood of Parents in Development, we can navigate through the storm, learn from our past, and pave the way for a healthier future for our children and us.

9:35 - From Parents.com, 'What's Your Parenting Style?'
12:20 - Newport Academy's, 'Resilience Toolkit'

OTHER RELATED LINKS
1) Authoritative Parenting: The Pros and Cons, According to a Child Psychologist
2) What's Your Parenting Style?
3) From the Parenting for Brain website, 'Emotional Regulation in Children | A Complete Guide' - as seen on the American Academy of Pediatrics website, and an excerpt here specific to Substance Use: A child who has poor emotion regulation skills throws tantrums constantly and puts a strain on the parent-child relationship. This can impact the climate of the whole household, including siblings or everyone around them, and lead to a negative spiral.

Similarly, for friendships, kids who don’t have the ability to control their big feelings have fewer social skills. They have a harder time making or keeping friends. The inability to self-regulate big emotions can lead to traits like anger, withdrawal, anxiety, or aggressive behavior.

All this can snowball into further negative consequences: Children who are rejected by their peers are at increased risk of dropping out of school, delinquency, substance abuse, and antisocial behavior problems ​1 ​. Those who are withdrawn and rejected by peers are also more likely to get bullied​ 2 ​.

Thank you for listening and please visit www.siblinghoodofrecovery.com for free resources, links to organizations, groups and individuals who can offer help in the Journey of Recovery towards healing from substance use disorders. If you like this Podcast, please leave a rating on wherever you're listening. It will help to get the word out.

If there is one message I can leave you with, the best you can offer your loved one battling addiction is love and a healthier you.

Walk gently, my friend.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
My name is Angie Reno and I'm a mom on a recovery
journey from family dysfunction,addiction and perhaps all that
simply comes with the humancondition.
I'm not a licensed therapist,although I will always encourage
seeking out professional help.
I know therapy has changed mylife for the better.
There are many of us on thispath towards recovery, so let's

(00:23):
walk gently.
Welcome to Siblinghood ofRecovery.
Hello recovery community, I amback and yet again I'm going to
focus on you.
Look, I get it.

(00:44):
This is such a crazy journeyand if you've landed here, you
know it's due to the subjectmatter that you're searching for
.
Right, you search on a podcastfor substance abuse and
childhood and thinking you know,how am I going to deal with
this?
How am I going to get throughthis time?
Because I've been there.

(01:05):
It's incredibly challenging andthis podcast talks about you,
the parent, and concentrating onyou, so I can imagine this is
frustrating.
When I was looking at all thisinformation in the beginning of
this journey, I wanted to knowwhat's going on inside my kid's

(01:26):
head.
I wanted to know why this washappening, which is a great
start.
I didn't get the sense that Ihad to focus on myself until the
third person, who was arecovery expert, and I was
speaking to licensed therapistwho were well versed in

(01:47):
addiction and substance use, andI was also speaking to people
who were networking for me toget my son into a treatment
center.
They would start theconversation off with how are
you doing?
And by the third time, thethird conversation I'm like,
okay, all right, they want toknow if I'm crazy or not, and at

(02:08):
the time, I did feel like I was.
To be honest, I believe whatbecomes of this journey is the
mirror, and the mirror is hard.
It's hard to look at yourself.
It's hard to assess what you'recontributing to this whole
process.
In doing so, though, there isgreat opportunity to become not

(02:30):
only healthier for your child,but healthier for yourself, and
that is definitely the priority,so I want to focus on three
concepts at a very high level ofself-regulation, parenting
styles and building upresilience.
Self-regulation is really theability to control one's

(02:51):
emotions, and I don't like touse that word control, or to
manage.
I think that's a better wordfor me personally to manage
one's own emotions and ownthoughts.
I was listening to an interviewwith Eckhart Tull, and he was
talking about being the moment.
There's so much focus on thefuture or what people are going

(03:13):
to think about this.
If I post that or if I react acertain way, you know what's
going to be the response to thatreaction, what is going to be
the response to what's going onin my household as we deal with
substance use challenges and thecommunity starts to learn more.
So when you're worried and whenyou're thinking about all those

(03:35):
challenges, what happens is youmiss out in the moment, at the
time, like at the dinner table,say alright, a crisis is being
dealt with and discussed.
Sometimes the worry, theanxiety, the fear, the anger
clouds our ability to see what'sgoing on in front of us and it
clouds our ability to listen.

(03:56):
I mean, this just happened tome last week and I'm in a
recovery journey.
All the time my youngest saidyou know, hey, I think I'm going
to do X instead of Y.
I'm like, okay, here we goagain.
And I was just so upset withmyself for saying something like
that, that sentence, and I didapologize and we had a good

(04:19):
conversation and I said look,I'll promise to slow down and
listen and wait and notoverreact.
Basically, I promise toself-regulate.
And the reason whyself-regulation is so important
is because we're modeling.
Parental modeling is vital toour children because that is how

(04:44):
they are going to perceive theability to engage with the world
around them.
And I know I created, too,toxicity in the home.
I know that my contribution wasequal to, you know, reacting
zero to 60.
I would be pretty calm and thensomething would trigger me and
you know what's going on, what'shappening Blah, blah, blah,

(05:06):
blah.
And that inability toself-regulate definitely
contributed to anxiety andwalking around going.
Okay, it's calm right now, butwhen's the next storm going to
come right?
So there's a lot of focus on inthis recovery journey, on your
own self-regulation and what youare modeling as a parent to

(05:28):
your child for behavior.
So now I'd like to turn thefocus to a parenting styles and
the attachment theory at a veryhigh level.
When you do speak to yourtherapist, talk about what it
means in your mind when you goback to understanding your own
childhood how did you feel yourrelationship was with your own

(05:51):
parents?
And as you can pull the threadto attachment, it really comes
into.
Are you providing a safeenvironment for your child, and
not just physically.
Are you providing a safeenvironment for your child
emotionally, for them to be whothey are, to express how they
feel, to allow them opportunityfor a big conversation.

(06:15):
And you know, in that smallexample that I just relayed for
me last week, yeah, I shut downthe conversation with just one
sentence and I recognized itimmediately afterwards and I did
make amends.
But my goal as a parent is totake a few seconds of pause and

(06:35):
maybe you know, breathingexercises are actually fantastic
.
I have a friend of mine.
I reached out to her once ontext and literally she talked me
through a moment via text wherenow, when I see her name, I
actually take in a deep breath,you know.

(06:56):
And what a fantasticexamination into the
neuroscience of me breathing,taking in breaths to call myself
, and I'm associating it with afriend's name.
So If I can take that reactionand impart it to anything I'm
experiencing with my child, youknow, then I'm winning and

(07:20):
that's a win.
So, in addition to attachmentand self-regulation, consider
our parenting styles.
Oh man, this was hard part forme when I was in therapy.
Honestly, it was like this isthe Peter Gabriel digging in the
dirt.
This was tough because I didhave some of the no do as I say,

(07:43):
not as I do, leftover I'll justsay that from previous
generations because that's howit was, you know, 50, 60 years
ago.
And I do remember.
I actually remember my dadsaying once well, children
should be seen and not heard,right, and that's probably what
he was told.
So you take that memory andtalk about it with a therapist

(08:07):
and then you understand reallyhow you were taught to parent
and how you were taught what isexpected in the parent-child
relationship.
And here's the cool thing Ifyou're working with a good
therapist, you can then pull thethread on how to support the
parenting style that you want toemulate as a parent so you can

(08:31):
facilitate a good relationshipwith your child.
The goal, even when your childis in the throes of substance
use, is to begin building apathway to be the parent you
want to be.
It helps you begin to set avision right of what you want to
bring to the table.
I will be honest with you inthis recovery path it might take

(08:56):
a while, a long time.
It could take months, it couldtake years for your child to see
that you're bringing adifferent type of behavior to
their relationship, that you'rebringing a different type of
engagement right If you've hadyears of being, for example, an
authoritarian in the householdor a permissive parent in the

(09:19):
household.
Both of these, statisticallyand based on research, hinder
the development of children.
It's going to take a long timeand lots of work to change, for
example, to an authoritativeparenting style.
There's a really cooldescription of authoritative
parenting styles on parentscom.

(09:41):
It's high level.
I'll forego the researcharticles which are very
supportive of this style.
Some comment traits are citedas, and I quote allowing kids to
fail, but providing support andguidance when asked.
Emphasize well-roundedness intheir children.
Give their kids opportunity todiscuss household rules

(10:04):
regularly.
Place a high importance onfairness and respect.
Prefer to empower their kidsrather than intimidate them or
befriend them.
I think at the end too, thebefriending.
You know I said to myselfseveral years ago I can't be
their friend.
They have enough friends.
I am their mom.
And the permissive style ofparenting, where the parent is

(10:26):
focused on being the child'sfriend, is, according to
research, not as effective as anauthoritative parent.
So we're self-regulating, we'refocusing again on ourselves,
we're working with ourtherapists and we're trying to
balance as we're dealing withour child's substance use.

(10:49):
We're trying to balanceself-care.
It always comes down toself-care and it's hard,
especially when things are justoff the charts and chaotic and
you're looking at social mediaand other parents are posting my
child got on a roll this week.
My child got this scholarship.

(11:09):
It's hard, it's really, reallyhard.
But if you do this work, one ofthe things that you can begin to
develop is co-regulation.
If your child comes in, theyknow they're late, they know
that they have broken a rule.
They're going to be defensive.
If you can actually findsomething positive like you're

(11:34):
home safe, it's good to see you.
This approach does two things.
In that moment when your childthinks, oh my gosh, my parents
are going to be so upset.
They see that you're not, butthey also see that you're
concerned.
I do have to be realisticbecause if your child is using
substances, there's a chancethat they won't recognize that

(11:56):
at the time.
But the next morning you havean opportunity to self-regulate
again and have a quietconversation, as quiet as
possible and say to the childhey, I'm glad you made it home
safe.
And finally we come toresilience.
I also want to say I'mcognizant that not all people
have access to therapists andbecause of that I want to

(12:19):
highlight a free resource.
I follow Newport Academy.
They have treatment centers inCalifornia, georgia, texas,
maryland I think thesouthernmost site is Georgia.
Their programs focus onresidential outpatients IOP, and
they have on their site aresilience toolkit.

(12:42):
It's such a neat littledocument.
The awesome part is it's alsofor parents, teens and young
adults, and I love theacknowledgement there that
everybody is going to bedifferent at these stages of
life.
Right, Teens develop stressresilience in a different way
than a parent will.
So the top line is you have tofocus on optimism and gratitude.

(13:06):
We get that, but there's alsohumor and social connection.
This is why it's so importantin this journey for parents to
connect with other parents thatare going through the same thing
.
If you go to your friend whodoesn't know about substance use
with children, especially asmuch as they love you, they

(13:28):
might not be able to connect tothat part of you that is just
trying to understand it andtrying to deal with it and
trying to go through it.
A parent with a child who has asubstance use challenge there's
some nuances to this journeythat cannot be described.
Hearing, I get you.
Hearing I know what that feelslike.

(13:50):
An parent group is one of themost calming things that I
experienced through this wholeprocess.
I truly consider some of theparents that I've developed
relationships with, some of thebest relationships I have right
now in my life and it's beensuch an incredible blessing.
So definitely download thisdocument.

(14:11):
I have no affiliationwhatsoever with Newport Academy,
I just follow them.
Some of the tools that theygive out and the blogs that they
post and the educationalresources that they provide the
public, they're just, they'refantastic, and this is one of
those tools that can be easilyaccessed.
And, just as a side note, I'mgoing to steer away from using

(14:33):
addict and addiction, becausethe trend is towards not using
addict and addiction, becausethat moniker, on any person or
any family, can install a senseof shame and as we as a society
ironically have an increasedepidemic of substance use and
abuse, we have to start askingwhy.

(14:55):
We have to start digging intowhat is going on in that
person's life, and so I willrespect the trend of where this
is going in our community ofrecovery.
To recap, understand whatyou're modeling to your child.
At the very least, beself-aware With a licensed
therapist, start understandingabout the attachment style that

(15:20):
you grew up with, the attachmentstyle that you might have
provided your child, andunderstand where you want to go
and to improve.
In most of our situations inlife, especially at work, we
always strive to do better, fromdata entry to building a

(15:40):
building.
We want to move forward.
So, with parenting, work with alicensed therapist and
understand your goals.
It's going to be hard becauseit's very emotional and your
therapist gets that.
Because you're developing as aparent.
You know we talk aboutchildhood development all the
time.
I personally believe we need tostart talking about parenthood

(16:02):
development because we aredeveloping at each stage.
It's different At each stage.
Our mindset has to changebecause the child that we're
dealing with when they're aninfant is not the child that we
deal with when they're 12, 13,14.
As I implore you yet again to doself-care and self-work.

(16:24):
You know you don't have to beperfect, but to be engaged and
aware and present is anincredible gift to anybody
around you really, especiallyyour child.
With that, I'll bid you adieuand, as always, remember, be
good to yourself.
To connect with me, visitSibling Hood of Recovery on

(16:48):
Instagram or visit my website,wwwsiblinghoodofrecoverycom.
Although I'm not overly activeon social media, I'll get back
with you in the next video.
I'll get back with you as soonas I can On my site.
I'm committed to providing freeresources.
You'll find links toinformation that point towards
12-stop meetings, craft-basedtherapy programs and much more,
but please, most of all, knowyou're not walking this journey

(17:11):
alone, simply from being human.
We're a community that isgrowing each and every day.
Be well, and I'll talk to yousoon.