July 9, 2023 • 18 mins
What if you discovered your role as a parent isn't as straightforward as you thought, particularly when dealing with a child's addiction? That's the tough pill we're swallowing in today's conversation. As a parent, your influence can shape your child's life in ways you may not fully comprehend. As we explore the murkier waters of parenting and addiction, we'll address the importance of examining our own upbringings, the impact of our parenting styles, and reconciling our expectations with our child's reality. Navigating through this complex landscape, we'll also delve into handling the discovery of your child's addiction, touching on the urgency of providing a safe, supportive environment and the necessity of professional intervention.
Shifting gears, we'll then journey through the recovery process - a path that's as challenging as it is transformative. As we discuss the role a parent plays in their child's addiction, we'll emphasize the necessity of fostering a safe space for recovery. Throughout our exploration of this pressing issue, remember, we are not alone on the path to recovery. Let's walk together.
Link to Krissy Pozatek's Parallel Process website
Thank you for listening and please visit www.siblinghoodofrecovery.com for free resources, links to organizations, groups and individuals who can offer help in the Journey of Recovery towards healing from substance use disorders. If you like this Podcast, please leave a rating on wherever you're listening. It will help to get the word out.
If there is one message I can leave you with, the best you can offer your loved one battling addiction is love and a healthier you.
Walk gently, my friend.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
My name is Angie Reno and I'm a mom on a recovery
journey from family dysfunction,addiction and perhaps all that
simply comes with the humancondition.
I'm not a licensed therapist,although I will always encourage
seeking out professional help.
I know therapy has changed mylife for the better.
There are many of us on thispath towards recovery, so let's
(00:23):
walk gently.
Welcome to Siblinghood ofRecovery.
Hello recovery community.
(00:44):
Well, i am going to talk aboutthe role parents play in the
child's addiction today.
Yeah, it's going to go a littlebit deep, and if you're
listening to this and trying tofigure out if your child is in
the throes of addiction, thisprobably isn't going to be the
(01:04):
easiest episode to listen to,and one of the factors of that
is because when you're firstdiscovering that there is a
problem, if you're ready to lookat your role in that problem,
you're pretty far advancedcompared to most people in
regards to not necessarilytaking responsibility, but in
(01:28):
regards to contributing to thechallenge at hand.
And if you're in the recoveryjourney after a couple years and
you've joined some goodprograms and some good recovery
community resources, like the 12step program that I always
encourage people to look into,you're much more likely to be
(01:49):
able to say what am I bringingto the table in this process of
my child's dysfunction?
One of the first things that Ican recommend is, as we figure
out that our children are inactive addiction, we also have
to and this is hard take a stepback and look at our own
(02:11):
childhood.
As we do that, we can see someopportunities to break
intergenerational trauma.
But I don't know if you're justat the front end of this
journey, if you're ready to dothat.
So I'm going to start with thefirst part of I know my kids in
(02:33):
active addiction.
I don't know what to do aboutit.
What do I do?
Where do I go?
Looking at yourself within thataspect, i would say, hey, yes,
you do have a contributingfactor to this Right now.
It's to get your child into asafe space, a safe place, and
(02:55):
start breaking down with aprofessional.
What's going on?
What are our options to help mychild get better, to help our
child get better?
And as you're doing that, a lotof people will hint at and
you'll see this, they'll hint atwell, how's the family home
life?
And if they're very good and Iknow there's a lot of people out
(03:15):
there who are excellent ataddiction recovery.
They will inquire about yourown upbringing.
On the intake form that I had toprepare for my child going into
a treatment facility, i had toanswer a full page of my own
upbringing.
And it was funny because Ithought, okay, here we go.
(03:39):
We will have to not only diginto what's going on inside my
child's head, we're going tohave to dig into what I brought
to the table.
Now.
I knew that because I have amaster's degree in
organizational behavior.
I did have an undergrad inpsychology.
I didn't want to be a therapist, i don't know.
I think individuals who aretherapists have such a capacity
(04:05):
for holding space.
I don't know if I have that AndI do know I am interested in
the dynamics in the work world,100%.
I like to watch the room, readthe room, i like to see how
leadership styles affectorganizational success.
But to bring somebody into thedarkest depths of what might
(04:29):
have hurt them when they weregrowing up and what hurts them
today, that does take a specialindividual.
And it takes a specialindividual to push the person
who thinks that they are healthyinto seeing maybe patterns of a
survival style or a copingmechanism that is used.
(04:50):
And this is where your goodtreatment centers will be able
to pull out from the parentwhat's going on at home.
So, within that pulling out,within that intake form
questionnaire, if you're in agood facility or you're working
with a good therapist, therewill be opportunity for you to
(05:13):
reflect on your own upbringingAnd there will also be
opportunity for you to see, fromthat upbringing, what you
brought to your child'supbringing.
What did you bring down, whatwas passed down to you as far as
coping mechanisms, as far asparenting styles And, as you do
(05:33):
that, what's really hard andwhat's very challenging what
you'll see.
Every parenting style can impactindividual children differently
.
How many times have you heardwe grew up in the same household
but we're completely different?
when siblings have maybe told astory together, sat around the
(05:57):
Thanksgiving table, right, Andthat's good.
I mean, we are all differentpeople.
So within that, there is a lotof hard work to understand what
you're bringing to your child'sworld.
Today I am consistentlychallenged with one of my sons
(06:18):
working as a dishwasher forextra money during the summer
and leaving dishes in the sink,right Cause I remember growing
up, man, i always did the dishes, i always put it away in the
dishwasher and I made sure I dida good job.
How much of that pastupbringing do I have to bring to
(06:40):
my current environment and makea big deal about it?
Is that the hill I wanna die on?
No, do I wanna clean kitchen?
Yes, is there a way to meet inthe middle?
I think there is, but that's atiny example of how I know.
When I'm looking at that sink,the funny thing is is I'm
(07:02):
remembering all the times that Iwas told nope, you gotta clean
it.
Understand, or at least start tobe aware of what you're
bringing to the room and to yourchild in regards to an
emotional experience.
When you approach your child,when you engage with your child,
are you stressed?
Has the day been justabsolutely challenging?
(07:25):
and you're not looking in yourkid's eyes.
Instead you're thinking aboutman, that was just a crappy
meeting today.
So that energy that you bringin front of your child, their
feeling, or they may be seeingthat you don't wanna deal with
anything, that you're stressed.
And so many times children takethat on.
It's been documented.
(07:47):
There's been study after studyafter study.
When the parents are stressedout, the kids think they are
contributing to the stress, andthey probably are, but
unfortunately their concept isI'm doing this to my parent.
They're not experienced withthe world.
They don't understand thenuances of multi-stressers, of
(08:08):
multiple aspects of a day atwork that involve many different
individuals and many differentexpectations.
So when you come home andyou're stressed out and you're
approaching your kid to becognizant of what you're
bringing in, that moment ittakes hard work to know the
(08:30):
energy that you're putting outand what you are contributing to
that child's experience at thatmoment.
Is it enough so that the childis seeking self-medication?
So self-medication often occurswhen there is disruption at home
.
There are challenges at home.
(08:50):
So if you're in a very toxicrelationship with the parent
figures, if the parent figuresare in a toxic relationship,
this is a stressor in the home.
The ACEs there's a greatepisode in season one to review
the ACEs.
If you have even two ACEs athome, that home is gonna be
(09:11):
challenged at times with a lotof stress.
The stress that's brought tothe children.
It's not intended most of thetime.
I am talking about the typicalparent who wants the best for
their kid, who believes honestlythat they're doing the absolute
best that they can to create afunctional home, and that stress
(09:35):
may appear to other householdsas, yeah, this is stuff we can
handle.
And here's the important partNot all children are wired the
same way, so what is stressfulto one family, the kids may be
able to cope with it, and thesame stress in another family,
the kids are gonna go out andseek self-medication.
(09:57):
How do you understand whatyou're doing as far as impacting
the family dynamics?
The best thing I can tell youis to start reading about what
causes stress.
There's a lot of material outthere.
I'll put a couple links to theshow notes from psychology today
articles, or to talk to yourEAP hopefully have one at work,
(10:19):
an employee assistant programand start talking about stress.
If you think your child ischallenged with a substance use
disorder, now is the time foryou to start seeking help for
yourself.
Start talking to somebody aboutit who is neutral.
I hate to say don't talk toyour relatives about it, but a
neutral party, a therapist.
They will have a differentperspective, especially if they
(10:42):
are well versed in addiction.
Understanding what the homedynamics are is gonna be
critical to your health And thusso it's gonna be incredibly
critical to your child andgetting better throughout their
recovery, the more coping skillsthat you give yourself as you
go through this process withyour child, cause it's not gonna
be over in a day, it's notgonna be over in a week, it's
(11:03):
not gonna be over in a month, itmay not be over in a year if
your child is addicted tosubstances.
As you go through this process,you also have the ability to
get stronger as an individual,which will provide your child a
better chance of dealing withtheir own problems, the more you
let go of your expectation ofwhere your child should or
(11:27):
shouldn't be right And the moreyou start to work on yourself.
That pressure that the childhas in thinking that their
addiction is causing you stresswhich it is right But that
pressure becomes less and lesson the child.
Here's the funny part Thebetter you become, the more the
(11:50):
child has to focus on themselves.
That's good and bad, right.
So there's a lot more to talkabout in this where the blame
game comes in.
You made me an addicted child,the previous role that you may
have played in familydysfunction.
It goes away And there aregonna be a lot of people who
(12:12):
used to depend on your role thatyou played, your dysfunction
that you added.
They depended on it If you werethe person that said, okay, and
now, if I'm gonna handle this,i'm gonna take care of this
situation.
You were what they call thecaretaker.
If you were the person thatsays, you know what, i don't
want to deal with this, it'sokay, just I don't want to deal
(12:35):
with this, you were the personthat avoided the conflict and,
in essence, very muchcontributed to it and very much
let it play on because youdidn't do anything about it.
So there's two parts to this.
One is understand what you'rebringing to the table, and the
(12:56):
second one is, with whatever youare bringing to the table, the
energy that you bring in, startto understand your role, just a
few roles that you might talkabout with your therapist.
As you go through, telling yourtherapist that, hey, this is
the situation that we have athome, you not only have the
enabler, but you have thescapegoat of the family.
This is the person who alwaystakes the blame for anything
(13:19):
that goes wrong in the family.
The hero this is the personthat can do no wrong, the mascot
of the family often this personuses humor to resolve tension
and the lost child of the family.
This one, to me, breaks myheart.
This is the person who's not asinvolved in family
relationships and just kind ofgoes to the side.
(13:41):
So, as you go through thisunderstanding of what you bring
to the table, work with aprofessional, start reaching out
, getting resources where youcan understand hey, these are
the family dynamics and where amI contributing?
So I'm gonna leave you withthis.
One of the best books out therein my opinion, especially if
(14:02):
you're just starting thisjourney, is The Parallel Process
by Chrissy Positec.
Chrissy also has an Instagram.
I'll put a link in the shownotes.
Even if you never ever listento my podcast again and you
start following Chrissy, i wouldfeel so blessed, so grateful
that I gave you that referral.
She's amazing and I will tellyou that this is a very long
(14:27):
journey.
It's a long process and, i'vesaid it before, i wish that they
would hand out a pamphlet toall parents who are holding
their newborns.
Go ahead and start readingbooks like the parallel process.
Get the, get that knowledgeunder your wing And get ready,
because the teen years andadolescent years They are so
(14:51):
incredibly challenging becauseyou are having to give up a lot
of expectation, a lot of whatyou think is the right way to
parent, and you do have to giveup a lot of that vision of what
you deem to be the way a goodhousehold is, you know,
(15:15):
represented in this lifetime.
I think, instead, what we haveto do is really bring to the
table a better us, a betterourself, right, right.
And it's amazing Every time Iwork hard, i do see my boys
getting further away from me andgetting stronger and becoming
(15:38):
themselves.
And I've done so much work thatnow I look at that and I'm just
amazed at the beauty of it.
It really is, i don't know.
It comes down to that oldSouthern saying roots and wings.
That's the best I can give youwith all the love that I have.
Well, with that, i will bid youadieu And if you're here
(15:59):
listening to this podcast,you're doing the work.
Keep it up, keep it going Andremember, be good to yourself.
To connect with me, visitSibling Hood of Recovery on
Instagram or visit my website,wwwsiblinghoodovercoverycom.
Although I'm not overly activeon social media, i'll get back
(16:20):
with you as soon as I can.
On my site, i'm committed toproviding free resources.
You'll find links toinformation that point towards
12-stop meetings, craft-basedtherapy programs and much more.
But please, most of all, knowyou're not walking this journey
alone, simply from being human.
We're a community that isgrowing each and every day.
Be well, and I'll talk to yousoon.
My name is Angie Reno and I'm a mom on a recovery
journey from family dysfunction,addiction and perhaps all that
simply comes with the humancondition.
I'm not a licensed therapist,although I will always encourage
seeking out professional help.
I know therapy has changed mylife for the better.
There are many of us on thispath towards recovery, so let's
(00:23):
walk gently.
Welcome to Siblinghood ofRecovery.
Hello recovery community.
(00:44):
Well, i am going to talk aboutthe role parents play in the
child's addiction today.
Yeah, it's going to go a littlebit deep, and if you're
listening to this and trying tofigure out if your child is in
the throes of addiction, thisprobably isn't going to be the
(01:04):
easiest episode to listen to,and one of the factors of that
is because when you're firstdiscovering that there is a
problem, if you're ready to lookat your role in that problem,
you're pretty far advancedcompared to most people in
regards to not necessarilytaking responsibility, but in
(01:28):
regards to contributing to thechallenge at hand.
And if you're in the recoveryjourney after a couple years and
you've joined some goodprograms and some good recovery
community resources, like the 12step program that I always
encourage people to look into,you're much more likely to be
(01:49):
able to say what am I bringingto the table in this process of
my child's dysfunction?
One of the first things that Ican recommend is, as we figure
out that our children are inactive addiction, we also have
to and this is hard take a stepback and look at our own
(02:11):
childhood.
As we do that, we can see someopportunities to break
intergenerational trauma.
But I don't know if you're justat the front end of this
journey, if you're ready to dothat.
So I'm going to start with thefirst part of I know my kids in
(02:33):
active addiction.
I don't know what to do aboutit.
What do I do?
Where do I go?
Looking at yourself within thataspect, i would say, hey, yes,
you do have a contributingfactor to this Right now.
It's to get your child into asafe space, a safe place, and
(02:55):
start breaking down with aprofessional.
What's going on?
What are our options to help mychild get better, to help our
child get better?
And as you're doing that, a lotof people will hint at and
you'll see this, they'll hint atwell, how's the family home
life?
And if they're very good and Iknow there's a lot of people out
(03:15):
there who are excellent ataddiction recovery.
They will inquire about yourown upbringing.
On the intake form that I had toprepare for my child going into
a treatment facility, i had toanswer a full page of my own
upbringing.
And it was funny because Ithought, okay, here we go.
(03:39):
We will have to not only diginto what's going on inside my
child's head, we're going tohave to dig into what I brought
to the table.
Now.
I knew that because I have amaster's degree in
organizational behavior.
I did have an undergrad inpsychology.
I didn't want to be a therapist, i don't know.
I think individuals who aretherapists have such a capacity
(04:05):
for holding space.
I don't know if I have that AndI do know I am interested in
the dynamics in the work world,100%.
I like to watch the room, readthe room, i like to see how
leadership styles affectorganizational success.
But to bring somebody into thedarkest depths of what might
(04:29):
have hurt them when they weregrowing up and what hurts them
today, that does take a specialindividual.
And it takes a specialindividual to push the person
who thinks that they are healthyinto seeing maybe patterns of a
survival style or a copingmechanism that is used.
(04:50):
And this is where your goodtreatment centers will be able
to pull out from the parentwhat's going on at home.
So, within that pulling out,within that intake form
questionnaire, if you're in agood facility or you're working
with a good therapist, therewill be opportunity for you to
(05:13):
reflect on your own upbringingAnd there will also be
opportunity for you to see, fromthat upbringing, what you
brought to your child'supbringing.
What did you bring down, whatwas passed down to you as far as
coping mechanisms, as far asparenting styles And, as you do
(05:33):
that, what's really hard andwhat's very challenging what
you'll see.
Every parenting style can impactindividual children differently
.
How many times have you heardwe grew up in the same household
but we're completely different?
when siblings have maybe told astory together, sat around the
(05:57):
Thanksgiving table, right, Andthat's good.
I mean, we are all differentpeople.
So within that, there is a lotof hard work to understand what
you're bringing to your child'sworld.
Today I am consistentlychallenged with one of my sons
(06:18):
working as a dishwasher forextra money during the summer
and leaving dishes in the sink,right Cause I remember growing
up, man, i always did the dishes, i always put it away in the
dishwasher and I made sure I dida good job.
How much of that pastupbringing do I have to bring to
(06:40):
my current environment and makea big deal about it?
Is that the hill I wanna die on?
No, do I wanna clean kitchen?
Yes, is there a way to meet inthe middle?
I think there is, but that's atiny example of how I know.
When I'm looking at that sink,the funny thing is is I'm
(07:02):
remembering all the times that Iwas told nope, you gotta clean
it.
Understand, or at least start tobe aware of what you're
bringing to the room and to yourchild in regards to an
emotional experience.
When you approach your child,when you engage with your child,
are you stressed?
Has the day been justabsolutely challenging?
(07:25):
and you're not looking in yourkid's eyes.
Instead you're thinking aboutman, that was just a crappy
meeting today.
So that energy that you bringin front of your child, their
feeling, or they may be seeingthat you don't wanna deal with
anything, that you're stressed.
And so many times children takethat on.
It's been documented.
(07:47):
There's been study after studyafter study.
When the parents are stressedout, the kids think they are
contributing to the stress, andthey probably are, but
unfortunately their concept isI'm doing this to my parent.
They're not experienced withthe world.
They don't understand thenuances of multi-stressers, of
(08:08):
multiple aspects of a day atwork that involve many different
individuals and many differentexpectations.
So when you come home andyou're stressed out and you're
approaching your kid to becognizant of what you're
bringing in, that moment ittakes hard work to know the
(08:30):
energy that you're putting outand what you are contributing to
that child's experience at thatmoment.
Is it enough so that the childis seeking self-medication?
So self-medication often occurswhen there is disruption at home
.
There are challenges at home.
(08:50):
So if you're in a very toxicrelationship with the parent
figures, if the parent figuresare in a toxic relationship,
this is a stressor in the home.
The ACEs there's a greatepisode in season one to review
the ACEs.
If you have even two ACEs athome, that home is gonna be
(09:11):
challenged at times with a lotof stress.
The stress that's brought tothe children.
It's not intended most of thetime.
I am talking about the typicalparent who wants the best for
their kid, who believes honestlythat they're doing the absolute
best that they can to create afunctional home, and that stress
(09:35):
may appear to other householdsas, yeah, this is stuff we can
handle.
And here's the important partNot all children are wired the
same way, so what is stressfulto one family, the kids may be
able to cope with it, and thesame stress in another family,
the kids are gonna go out andseek self-medication.
(09:57):
How do you understand whatyou're doing as far as impacting
the family dynamics?
The best thing I can tell youis to start reading about what
causes stress.
There's a lot of material outthere.
I'll put a couple links to theshow notes from psychology today
articles, or to talk to yourEAP hopefully have one at work,
(10:19):
an employee assistant programand start talking about stress.
If you think your child ischallenged with a substance use
disorder, now is the time foryou to start seeking help for
yourself.
Start talking to somebody aboutit who is neutral.
I hate to say don't talk toyour relatives about it, but a
neutral party, a therapist.
They will have a differentperspective, especially if they
(10:42):
are well versed in addiction.
Understanding what the homedynamics are is gonna be
critical to your health And thusso it's gonna be incredibly
critical to your child andgetting better throughout their
recovery, the more coping skillsthat you give yourself as you
go through this process withyour child, cause it's not gonna
be over in a day, it's notgonna be over in a week, it's
(11:03):
not gonna be over in a month, itmay not be over in a year if
your child is addicted tosubstances.
As you go through this process,you also have the ability to
get stronger as an individual,which will provide your child a
better chance of dealing withtheir own problems, the more you
let go of your expectation ofwhere your child should or
(11:27):
shouldn't be right And the moreyou start to work on yourself.
That pressure that the childhas in thinking that their
addiction is causing you stresswhich it is right But that
pressure becomes less and lesson the child.
Here's the funny part Thebetter you become, the more the
(11:50):
child has to focus on themselves.
That's good and bad, right.
So there's a lot more to talkabout in this where the blame
game comes in.
You made me an addicted child,the previous role that you may
have played in familydysfunction.
It goes away And there aregonna be a lot of people who
(12:12):
used to depend on your role thatyou played, your dysfunction
that you added.
They depended on it If you werethe person that said, okay, and
now, if I'm gonna handle this,i'm gonna take care of this
situation.
You were what they call thecaretaker.
If you were the person thatsays, you know what, i don't
want to deal with this, it'sokay, just I don't want to deal
(12:35):
with this, you were the personthat avoided the conflict and,
in essence, very muchcontributed to it and very much
let it play on because youdidn't do anything about it.
So there's two parts to this.
One is understand what you'rebringing to the table, and the
(12:56):
second one is, with whatever youare bringing to the table, the
energy that you bring in, startto understand your role, just a
few roles that you might talkabout with your therapist.
As you go through, telling yourtherapist that, hey, this is
the situation that we have athome, you not only have the
enabler, but you have thescapegoat of the family.
This is the person who alwaystakes the blame for anything
(13:19):
that goes wrong in the family.
The hero this is the personthat can do no wrong, the mascot
of the family often this personuses humor to resolve tension
and the lost child of the family.
This one, to me, breaks myheart.
This is the person who's not asinvolved in family
relationships and just kind ofgoes to the side.
(13:41):
So, as you go through thisunderstanding of what you bring
to the table, work with aprofessional, start reaching out
, getting resources where youcan understand hey, these are
the family dynamics and where amI contributing?
So I'm gonna leave you withthis.
One of the best books out therein my opinion, especially if
(14:02):
you're just starting thisjourney, is The Parallel Process
by Chrissy Positec.
Chrissy also has an Instagram.
I'll put a link in the shownotes.
Even if you never ever listento my podcast again and you
start following Chrissy, i wouldfeel so blessed, so grateful
that I gave you that referral.
She's amazing and I will tellyou that this is a very long
(14:27):
journey.
It's a long process and, i'vesaid it before, i wish that they
would hand out a pamphlet toall parents who are holding
their newborns.
Go ahead and start readingbooks like the parallel process.
Get the, get that knowledgeunder your wing And get ready,
because the teen years andadolescent years They are so
(14:51):
incredibly challenging becauseyou are having to give up a lot
of expectation, a lot of whatyou think is the right way to
parent, and you do have to giveup a lot of that vision of what
you deem to be the way a goodhousehold is, you know,
(15:15):
represented in this lifetime.
I think, instead, what we haveto do is really bring to the
table a better us, a betterourself, right, right.
And it's amazing Every time Iwork hard, i do see my boys
getting further away from me andgetting stronger and becoming
(15:38):
themselves.
And I've done so much work thatnow I look at that and I'm just
amazed at the beauty of it.
It really is, i don't know.
It comes down to that oldSouthern saying roots and wings.
That's the best I can give youwith all the love that I have.
Well, with that, i will bid youadieu And if you're here
(15:59):
listening to this podcast,you're doing the work.
Keep it up, keep it going Andremember, be good to yourself.
To connect with me, visitSibling Hood of Recovery on
Instagram or visit my website,wwwsiblinghoodovercoverycom.
Although I'm not overly activeon social media, i'll get back
(16:20):
with you as soon as I can.
On my site, i'm committed toproviding free resources.
You'll find links toinformation that point towards
12-stop meetings, craft-basedtherapy programs and much more.
But please, most of all, knowyou're not walking this journey
alone, simply from being human.
We're a community that isgrowing each and every day.
Be well, and I'll talk to yousoon.
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