March 28, 2025 • 39 mins
Lady Ruby Rebel is a professional dominatrix with 11 years of sobriety. Ruby and Seb talk about the fentanyl epidemic in Southern California, which took the life of her child's father the week of recording, and the complex relationship between domination and sobriety.
Sicker Than Others is bought to you by Pink Cloud Coffee. Pink Cloud Coffee is an award-winning coffee company based in Los Angeles with the primary purpose of helping addicts and alcoholics through scholarships and work programs. Sicker Than Others listeners get 10% off their first order. Go to pinkcloudcoffee.com and use promo code sick10 for 10% off any beans or merchandise.
For more information on Beit T’Shuvah please go to www.beittshuvah.org.
For more information on the program of Alcoholics Anonymous go to www.aa.org.
Host: Seb Webber
Engineered and Produced by: Ted Greenberg
Producers: Laura Bagish, Jesse Solomon, and Chris Hendrickson
Executive Producer: Seb Webber
Intro Theme by Rich Daytona
Recorded live at: Beit T’Shuvah, 8831 Venice Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90034.
To reach the production team, please email: seb@magick-arts.com
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Episode Transcript
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and their exceptional Colombianroast. Pink cloud coffee is an
award winning Coffee Companybased in Los Angeles with the
primary purpose of helpingaddicts and alcoholics through
scholarships and work programs.
Sicker than others, listenersget 10% off their first order.
Go to pink cloud coffee.com anduse promo code sick 10 for 10%
off any beans or merchandisesicker than others, is a podcast
(00:23):
on the ups and downs of recoverybrought to you from within a
treatment center in Los Angeles.
This podcast does not reflectthe views or opinions of beta
shuber or any of its subsidiarybusinesses or partners sicker
than others. Neither speaks forAA or recovery as a whole, but
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more information sicker thanothers, touches on subjects and
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(00:44):
you're lucky, triggering youhave been warned.
David,Hi, welcome to sicker than
(01:09):
others. The podcast brought toyou from within a treatment
center in Los Angeles. I have apublic service announcement
because, hey, this is my show. Ican do whatever the fuck I want.
I have one year sobriety, andthat is fucking mental for
anyone that doesn't know mystory. Oh, thank you, yay. So
for 15 years I've been trying toget sober. I'm a pretty gnarly
(01:32):
meth and sex addict, and at somepoint I will tell my story on
here, but not fucking today. Butmy point is, is that it is
possible, because I was a trueDie Hard. Was never gonna get
sober and and I fucking did it.
So,yeah, I never thought, I never
(01:55):
thought I would wake up with ayear sober. So
it fucking works. But anyway,more importantly, my guest today
is fuck it. I'm gonna take so myguest today is Lady Ruby rebel,
who is a professionaldominatrix, who is clean from
(02:16):
meth and has also been goingthrough some shit lately.
Welcome to the show. Thank youfor having me. So how did we
meet?
Okay, well, so I think, I think,if I remember correctly, we met
when you were on your way downto San Diego for whatever hell
(02:38):
reason that was, yeah, and Ithink you reached out to me from
one of my ads I had online,yeah. And you were like,
wanting to have sex, right?
Yeah. And I don't think youunderstood exactly what it was I
did, no. So I believe I gotangry with you, yeah. And ended
up talking some shit. And Ibelieve I said some really
offensive things, like, youknow,
(03:02):
well, of course you wouldn'tknow that, just like your
country doesn't know to putfluoride in the waters,
which was really, really rude,but I was just, you know, kind
of upset that, you know, peopledon't understand what it is to
be a dominatrix, and they thinkIt's relatively the same thing
as as a hooker, you know, andsome may do that to each their
(03:25):
own. That doesn't bother me atall. But then you actually
became a genuine friend of mine.
Yes, right? Yes, I did. And Ithink you probably saw that. I
probably wasn't in a good place.
You weren't No, which is why Ialways was reaching out. Yeah,
because, you know, being in theprogram of Alcoholics Anonymous
myself has beenan eye opener. And, you know, I
(03:46):
practice these principles andall my affairs, try to at least,
yeah,it's out there. It's out the
fuck it. I don't care. Yeah, youknow me for sex services, and
then we became friends. Yeah,that's what happened. Well, you
know, I've talked about thisonce before on my podcast.
Again, I with another guest wehad on. She was a sex worker,
(04:07):
and actually, I wasn't planningon jumping this straight away,
but I will always say, as muchas my addiction had its hold on
me, I've met some really goodpeople, like, like you and like,
and I know really good people,the idea that sex work, whatever
type of sex work, is this dark.
And did you trust me, the sex Ilike is dark and dingy, but I've
(04:29):
met some genuine people, like,I've had the most intimate
conversations with people. Ithink it's where people have
seen me for who I really am,selfishly, you know what I mean?
Like, I don't have to have afacade. And so this idea that
sex work is, is, is, I don'tthink it if you're doing it for
the right reason, like if you'redoing it, if you're doing it
(04:52):
sober, or doing domination,domination sober, I think, I
think it's liberal.
Dating. And I'm just sayingthat, like, this whole cliche
that it's all dark and dirty.
It's not, I mean, like youfucking me from date, like we've
been exchanging messages forlike, a long time, and like
you've been following myjourney, and it's been like,
great to get to know you too ona human level. It's like, I've
(05:13):
met some great people, not allof them, I'd say, like, 5% of
them. I believe I reached out toyou, and I said something like,
because I had been watching yourjourney through social media,
because I was always wonderinghow you were doing, you know.
And I reached out, and I waslike, Hey, how are you, you
know, we didn't used to usetogether. Just a heads up, yeah,
you know, I don't know if you'retrying to avoid me because you
(05:36):
think I'm gonna be like, youknow, yeah, part of your past in
a negative manner, right? But,um, it was nice to know that you
were on, you know, the straightand narrow path, and that, you
know, your relationship withStella gotten better, yeah. I
mean, you know, pretty you knowa lot about me, you know, it's
great. And I know, you know, weknow our kids names and like, we
have a real relationship, andthat's,
(06:00):
that's why I get sober to havereal relationships. I didn't
have those before, you know. Ihad transactions and people I
knew and acquaintances exactly,but I didn't have real friends,
you know. So why not explainwhat a dominatrix is?
A dominatrix explain it from ahigh level. So because I was
confused when I try to hire youto have sex with me.
(06:24):
The board are gonna love this,holy shit. So we're basically
thereto help others explore. You
know, we're that one person thatyou can turn to that's probably
heard it all, seen it all, anddone it all, you know. And it's,
it's, it's one of those raremoments, you know, just like
within sobriety, when you makethose real connections, yeah,
you're making that realconnection with somebody because
(06:46):
they knowthat, you know, all their deep
and dirty secrets, and viceversa. So it's kind of like a
vulnerability factor thathappens that is beneficial for
both parties. You know, we'relike a guide through sexual
exploration and becoming onewith oneself, right? That
(07:07):
sounded really fucking cheesy.
It sounded great whatever we'relooking at the 20,000 view right
here. I love that. Butdominatrix is, don't have
traditionally, don't haveintercourse, correct?
See, now, that's a, that's aninteresting question. Some may
(07:28):
Yeah, and some may not. So I'mnot going to sit here and say
that, you know, traditionally,no, it's not. That's not the end
game, okay? You know, if theywant you to finish at the end,
that's when you do. You know,it's not like a given, okay, you
know, yeah. So you basically areturning your your will and your
(07:49):
your submission over to, youknow, another being, right? You
put a lot of trust in them. Yes,it's 100%
trust. That's what it's basedon. Yeah.
So sex and drugs are reallyintertwined for me. For me,
(08:10):
how in your 11 years clean ofmeth,
how do you what am I trying tosay?
Was that easy for you toseparate the two
or I guess it's not. I guess foryou, it's work. Hold on. I got
to think about this questionthrough a little
bit more. I bet what I'm tryingto say is, I bet you see some
(08:31):
gnarly shit. Yes, right.
Do you ever feel that yoursobriety is in risk by doing
what you do?
I mean, I'm not going to lie.
There's a lot of clients that Ihave that do use, right, you
know, andyou're not supposed to let
people do that, you know, duringa session, they're not supposed
to be high, you're not supposedto be drunk, you know, both
(08:53):
parties, right?
But I do see a lot of peoplethat, you know, they can only
get into that, you know, frameof mind, if they have that,
right? You know, for you, liketo be around drugs. If someone's
using drugs, it's, you know, itmay have been a problem
(09:13):
a few years back, right?
However, I feel nowadays, theidea of doing any hard drugs,
for me is scary as shit, yeah.
And you know, that's due to thewhole fentanyl epidemic. And
that for me is, you know, enoughto be like, pump the brakes. I'm
not trying to leave this worldright now, right? You know,
(09:34):
because it's not like a matterof if it's when, yeah, and
you're and safety is important,and safety must come first,
right? And I guess I just getwhat I'm trying to think of, is
it must it must be. It must be.
Is it is it taxing on you whenyou see people that are in an
addiction, or is it just part ofthe gig? I
(09:56):
know it's a difficult questionto answer. You know what
I will you know?
It's possible. Sorry, but youknow, it's possible to get
sober, yes,because you were a hope to die
drug addict, alcoholic too.
Yeah, my main problem wasalcohol. Yeah, yeah.
But um,as far as the question you
asked,I would say that my experience
(10:19):
being sober and in the programand with all the people that
I've met has actually, in a way,given me this, like, mother hen
kind of thing. And I find myselftaking in a lot of people that
are suffering, yeah, and I justkind of like, you know, I just
want to put them under my wing.
(10:41):
I just want to I to, I just wantto show them that, you know, you
can live sober, you can livelife a different way. You know,
I don't try to push it on peoplethough. You know, you gotta let
people come to their own Yes,but being kind Yes, have I
gotten messed up? But, you know,fucked over by them, yeah, yes,
(11:02):
right? And that is the taxingpart, right? Because I put a lot
of time and effort and love intopeople, yeah. And then, you
know, people are going to bepeople, yeah. And especially
when they're people that aresuffering, still, yeah,
they don't have that consciousconscious, conscious, no, you
know. And when they're gettingbetter, they need kind people
(11:25):
around them. They don't needpushovers, but they need kind
people. And you've always beenreally kind to me, despite my a
lot of people would probablydisagree with you on that
statement. Well, sometimes I'mnot. I don't care about them. I
care about me, right and like,but like for me, messaging with
you and being able to talk toyou about this stuff like that.
I knew I needed, I needed a kindperson who saw me as me, who
(11:48):
didn't really know me on thisfacade life that I was in, and
it was like it was so healing.
It's healing just having arelationship with you. It's just
healingnot not not be I mean, I've
never felt judged, right? Andthe way I met you is a pretty
judge, judgmental. I mean, it'sa pretty good situation to judge
someone on, you know, and and Ineed to know people like you
(12:12):
like I need, I need that in mylife. I need to know people that
know what it's like to gothrough what I've gone through,
and also someone I can talk toabout this stuff, about, you
know, you know, and not feel forme. Shit dies when it's in the
light, right? Sex, shit, drugshit, like it dies when it's in
the light. It kills me when Ikeep it inside, right? And I
(12:33):
think you've been a really greatoutlet. And also, you just send
the best memes out of, I mean, Icopy your stories on Instagram,
like, what, three times a week,like, you're the meme goddess.
So tell me about your journeygetting clean. Okay, so
I went to UC Santa Cruz, and Iwas a poli sci major, which is
(12:59):
probably the worst fucking majorto have in Santa Cruz, and, you
know, they wanted us to read alot, and all the kids in college
were doing Adderall, and that'show that whole thing started. I
remember crushing up a pill ofAdderall, and it makes this pink
powder stuff, and then you snortit, and it's the most horrific
(13:20):
thing, yes, like, sweetener,yes, right, okay. I mean, like,
snorting sweetener, yeah,exactly. And, you know, that
was, like, the whole rage for awhile. Yeah, I could read, you
know, three books a day. It wasfucking great Communist
Manifesto, no problem, you know.
And,and then it, and then it got to
be speed, right? Yeah, that was,um, cheaper and, you know,
(13:43):
ironically, easier to get, yeah,so, yeah. So speed became, you
know, the thing that everybodywas doing, but, um, it took over
me, and I ended up leaving SantaCruz and coming down to Orange
County, which is like, you know,the meth capital, yeah, so there
was no escaping it, and it foundme again.
(14:10):
And thenI met a man named Chris, and we
both were in our addiction.
And then I got pregnant, andI decided at that point, here
and there, that there was no,you know, either I'm going to be
(14:30):
a mother or I'm going to be adrug addict. You know, there was
a point and athere was a choice to be made
there, and so I did. I I wentand got some help.
I actually turned myself intothe police, and that's the way I
got my help, because I had somewarrants, I know, right, dumb
(14:53):
shit, but I knew, I knew that ifI, if I tried to do it on my
own, I.
Wasn't gonna succeed. So Iwalked up to the police, and I
was like, you know, I have awarrant. My name's yada yada
yada andand, you know, they were like,
really? So they took me in, andI did three months,
(15:15):
and then I got out, and I had adifferent outlook on life. I
was, you know, pumped. I wasready to go. And and
then when I got out, me and her,her dad went and, you know,
started a little life together.
It was wonderful, until hismother came and started living
with us a little bit, and shewas drinking heavily, and it
(15:36):
just, it just really cramped myfucking style. I mean, I hated
my living situation, and Istarted drinking. I thought,
Well, my problem was with drugs,right? I can drink.
No, no. That was the that wasprobably the worst decision I
(15:57):
ever made. And my alcoholproblem grew bigger and bigger
until I finally left him andwent down to live with my mother
in San Diego for a bit, andthen, for some stupid ass
reason, I get this idea to godrive up to Orange County, where
(16:19):
we used to live, and start someshit with him, you know. And I'd
been drinking pretty heavilythat day. So I made it all the
way up to San Clemente from SanDiego, and I start to get pulled
over. And I decided, fuck it,you know, I'm not gonna be
pulling over for anybody. So Itook off for about a good 11
(16:41):
minutes with eight of OrangeCounty's finest behind me.
And for some reason, I decidedto get off on the only stop on
the five south that was with,you know, the Highway Patrol set
up right there, and I exited onCamino Capistrano clipped about
four signs in a meter. And, youknow, by the grace of God, I
(17:04):
didn't hit anybody that day.
Yeah, God damn. I mean, this wasat 6pm on a Friday evening, you
guys. So I'm, I don't know how,I don't know who the hell was
watching after me, but I didn'thit anybody that day. I totaled
the fuck out of my car. Yeah,with my little eco button. I
don't know how I was gonna, youknow, by the way, folks, if
(17:25):
you're asking if I had ahelicopter, no, um, my but it
was that was next to arrive forsure. Well, yes, yes, it was.
They were scrambling,apparently, at 15 minutes on a
high speed chase. That's whenthe helicopter comes into play.
Now, not normal people knowthis, you know. So you know, if
you ever want to know when youcould pull an OJ, it's about 15
(17:49):
minutes. Yeah.
So, um,so I ended up, you know, of
course, going to jail andgetting a fabulous Jewish
attorney,and that man saved my ass. He
made it to where I was able todo my time in work furlough in
(18:09):
San Diego. And you know, he eventold me he's like my dear I've
been doing this for 27 years,and I need to tell you that you
are the drunkest femaleI've ever had
27 years. Wow. And my BAC was apoint three, three, whoa, so I
(18:35):
wasn't fucking around. Yeah,that was over four times the
legal limit, and like in thepolice report, it said she was
lucid, walking and talking. Andthey're like, wow, you know. And
he just couldn't believe it.
He's like, I'm giving you thisopportunity, but I need you to
know you can't. You know it'simportant that you seek
assistance when you're doneserving your time, you know? So
(19:00):
I did i i did my time. Ifinished all that. And then me
and my daughter just startedbuilding our life together, and
she grew up in the program ofAA. I mean, she could probably
recite the entire preamble,and it's just been a beautiful
thing. She doesn't remember meever being drunk. Yeah? Thank
(19:21):
God. Yeah, you know.
And I'm not gonna say it's notwithout its challenges. Yeah,
I've had deaths in the family.
I've had, you know, shit theworld went to hell, and we had
our kids stuck at home with usfor a year and a half, yeah, and
then they wanted us to be sane,you know. So it's not without
(19:45):
its trials and tribulations, butI keep myself surrounded with
people that are in the program,you know, that are living the
straight and narrow, yeah? Andyou.
You know, I pick up a fewstragglers on the way that are
still needing a little help, youknow. But, um,
(20:07):
yeah, it's, it's been abeautiful journey up until, you
know what just recentlyhappened, yeah, and that that's
kind of what preempted me towant to come in here today,
which is, you know, a wholefentanyl epidemic, yeah. So you
want to talk about that, I do. Ido. So you want to tell everyone
what happened last week. I do.
So last week I got a call frommy ex's mother, and she it was
(20:29):
like 730 in the morning. Mydaughter just left to go to
school. She goes to college now,and she told me that Chris had
passed away, and that's mydaughter's father.
And, you know, I haven't talkedto the man in a long time. I
knew he was active in hisaddictions, and
(20:50):
it still came as a great shock,and I still
find myself sad about it, youknow, yeah, and it's just,
it's a shamehow much this man's gonna miss
out on my daughter's wonderfullife. You know, how much he's
gonna miss her getting marriedsomeday, maybe a grandchild, I'm
(21:14):
hoping. You know, um,and how young he was. He was
only 41 Yeah, you know, it's,it's not the same as when we
were using things back in theday. It's a different ball game
now, you know, and I always tellpeople like, carry Narcan
(21:35):
around, it's that common. Yeah,it's, it's not if, it's when,
exactly, now it is. You noticethey don't really have, like, a
fentanyl pipe.
I always say this, right? I'mlike, It's true though, yeah, I
haven't seen one yet, but theyhave a meth pipe, and then
there's other devices forsmoking crack, yeah? But they
(21:57):
don't have a fentanyl pipe.
There's foil, yeah, or whateverthe hell else they use. But you
have to wonder, like, Well, whyare they not making one? Why
isn't there like, a device yet?
Yeah, that's, you know, becausethey're all dying, yeah, yeah,
whoever was getting this idea tomake it is now dead, because
(22:18):
that's just what's gonna happen.
Yeah, the life saving medicine,it's not the easiest thing to
get. I mean, it's available, butI was doing some research. So I
was thinking about, I wanted to,I was seeing so many people
overdose and die in Venice onfentanyl, and I was looking into
maybe, like, doing, like, a bikedelivery service for fentanyl.
And I was looking into the cost,so it costs 100 so the Narcan,
the patent on it costsessentially 150 bucks. Is what
(22:41):
the insurance company have topay for the patent on the thing.
Guess how much Narcan is in asyringe?
Three cents.
Three cents in a syringe. Soyou'll notice that paramedics
will have it in syringes. Nowit's so cheap to save people's
lives, it would be so cheap, butbecause there's a patent on the
(23:03):
delivery device of it going upyour nose, there's like, mammoth
costs associated with it. Isn'tthat fucking crazy? I mean, that
doesn't shock me at all. This isAmerica, but it's, it's fucking
crazy, yeah, you know, but Ithink there are programs where
you can get, you know, freeNarcan?
Yeah, there are, and I thinkthere are some. I know that
(23:24):
there's somemedical have a program. But my
point is, when you're usingfentanyl or meth, the you know,
you're, I mean, the first thingyou should be thinking about if
you are a fentanyl user is, do Ihave my Narcan on me? But it's
always not on a lot of people'sTo Do List grocery shopping that
day, you know? I mean, it's not,it's more of a thing to get the
drug, yeah, of course, and thenworry about it later, like your
(23:46):
priorities, yeah, I'll worryabout it. Let's see if it's a
good batch first, you know, orwhatever. I don't know. And
that's another point. Theyactually give out those test
strips too. So if there are anypeople out there that are still
using, if you must, you know, atleast test it. It's in
everything. Now I remember, onon some one of my last runs, a
year and a bit ago, I got somemeth from someone new, and I hid
(24:07):
it, and it started making mesleepy. And I'm like,
This is not good. And it wasmeth. It then, you know, the
more I smoked, it was meth, andI got high. But it, it
wasn't just meth. You know what?
I mean, yeah, and that's whatI've heard from quite a few
people cocaine, too. I know onedude who I was with sober living
in about a year and a half ago,and he
(24:31):
was in Vegas, went out with somechicks he met, did a bump of
cocaine, and it was,it wasn't cocaine or it was
cocaine with fentanyl in it. Youknow, I got a friend, get this.
I got a friend who was smokingcrack in a motel, and his friend
was smoking fentanyl, and he wascarpet surfing, and he thought
he found a crack rock, oh no,and he smoked a crack rock of
(24:54):
fentanyl, and was in a coma forseven.
Six weeks, right? Rick Chris,like six weeks. Oh, our friend.
I want to mention hisname. It's fucking real, and
people are dying left and right,left and right. I mean, it's,
it's,it's getting worse. It's getting
(25:17):
worse, it's getting worse. And Iguess the problem is they keep
on changing up. However the hellit is they're making it, yeah,
so it's harder to ban it whenthe recipe is being constantly
shifted, you know?
And it's, it doesn't make anysense to me, like, Why kill off
(25:39):
your clientele?
You know, yeah.
And that's like,if we get into the depths of
that, that's a whole nother. ButI get why people do it, you
know, we find the drugs we need,right? I really believe that we
find, we actively search out thedrugs we need, whether we know
we need them or not, it's whatwe you know, at that moment,
it's what we need. And somepeople just want to be put
(26:01):
asleep, and it's fucked up. It'sfucked up, and it's such a fine
line of like,is this gonna kill me or is it
not gonna kill me? But since Iwas in treatment, I know five
people that have diedin like just went out and died.
Five people, so I know now,1-234-567-8910,
(26:34):
1112, 13 people I know that havedied from fentanyl. 13 people,
yeah, I don't know 13 peoplethat died of cancer,
and I know a lot of people,that's, you know what? I mean,
yeah, that's a good point. Like,I know, like, maybe five people
have died of cancer, 10 peoplethat died of cancer, maybe,
yeah, 13 people I know have diedof fentanyl. I think, um, for
(26:55):
five in this year. That'stelling me it's getting worse.
Yeah, that's, well, it hit homefor me this year. You know, for
sure, it was, you know, I usedto use drugs with Madison's dad.
You know, it's really weird.
It's and I am convinced, andthis is the part of me that
changed the most. I can tell youthat when I came to treatment
(27:18):
this time, I didn't feel anydifferent.
I felt just as low as I'vealways felt.
I didn't know whether this wasgoing to work or not.
I felt the same as I had donethe other three times I'd been
in treatment. All the times Iwent to jail, like I felt the
same shame, but it was the same.
I didn't feel any worse. Ididn't noticeably. There wasn't
like a notice fire in the enginethat this time was going to be
(27:43):
different. So I have to, I haveto believe that something saved
me. I have to, I have to believethat. Call it what you want,
because I didn't. I came in. Ineeded a break. I need to get
better. I need to get the heatoff, needing to get my kids mom
off my back. Needed to do this.
You do that. I wasn't a betterperson. I wasn't, I wasn't
finished, you know, I wasfinished, but I wasn't, I
(28:06):
didn't, you know, I didn't makea declaration that it was going
to be different this time. I wasjust doing the junky Jive dance,
right? And I had to do the junkydance again. And here I am
again. I'm in another treatmentcenter,
and it was different, and thatwas not of my doing
at all. I just showed up.
And so I think that when we knowpeople that have died from
(28:28):
people that we used withthe difference between you and
him is, you got the you got thegift, you got the gift and he
didn't,yeah, I think it comes down to
that. I mean, we can say that wedo work, and we can say that
we're going to meetings, we'redoing the step work, and we're
working ourselves, and we'rereading Tony Robbins books, and
we're fucking running on thebeach and and we're drinking
green smoothies, and we're doingoutreach, and we care about
(28:50):
other people, and we can do allthese things, and all these
things help.
But if I start to think that Ihad anything to do with this
gift I was given. I'm gonnastart getting in trouble,
because my ego will take thatand it'll kill me. And I think
for you, you got the gift and hedidn't,
(29:12):
whatever it took, however ithappened. Who gives a fuck? Who
gives a fuck? How it happenedyou got the gift, and I that's
how I keep this now, I think ofmy sobriety as a gift that I can
lose at any point. Yes, asfreely as it was given to me, it
can freely be taken away. Andthat's what keeps me on my
(29:33):
fucking toes.
You know, people ask me like,Why do you always say you're a
recovering addict? You know?
Why? Why do you say recovering?
You're recovered. You've beensober. And I'm like, No, it
doesn't work that way. Though.
I'm always going to be anaddict. You know, my my sponsor
brought it up to me one time,and I love this little analogy.
But he said, you know, we'reall.
(29:58):
We were all. Can.
Cucumbers once, and then we gotpickled. And we're never gonna
go back to being a cucumberagain.
Be a fucking pickle. We're justgonna be a pickle. Yeah, and you
just have to learn to live withit and manage it. And what you
know when it comes to fentanylpeople, yes, it's sad, somebody
(30:19):
died, it's sad,but, like, the ripple effect is
huge. It's, it'slike you said, he's gonna miss
out on all these things and butyou were talking to me, your
daughter's being a fucking rockstar through this, right? She
really is. And that fuckingisn't that amazing? I don't even
(30:40):
know where this kid came from.
Sometimes I have the best childyou could ever imagine, and
she's been hell and back withboth parents essentially, you
know, andshe's handling this like a
trooper. I mean, she's calm andcollected. We had to go through
her dad's things the other dayat the sober living where he
(31:01):
passed away. And, you know,she's just handling it, dealing
with this whole family, and, youknow,
just not losing her cool, andshe handles things with class.
My mother said that term abouther and I, and I always, I like
to think about that now, she'sdefinitely a lot classier than I
(31:24):
am in that aspect, you know,yeah, but class is not something
you're given. Class is somethingyou're taught.
I know, right? So she learnedthat from someone. That's why
I'm one. I raised her by myself,yeah? Truly. I mean, he's been
through his addiction for aminute, so,
but, um, it's weird to see yourchild grow up and you're like,
(31:44):
gosh, where did you come from?
You know, she's just been such ablessing to me. If I didn't have
her, I would be dead already.
Yeah, I feel the same way. Yeah.
And I got that I understood yourrelationship you had with your
daughter, yeah.
Yeah. You know, even throughyour addiction,
(32:05):
yeah, I will say thatyou did have some hindrance of
still being a good dad.
Yeah, thank you. I needed tohear that. Um, you know, for me,
it'slike I haven't missed anything,
you know. I haven't missed abirthday. I haven't missed a
(32:25):
first day of school,which is great,
but I wasn't present for a lotof it, whether she picked up on
it or not, that will remain tobe told, you know, but
I showed up and I and I've andI've also, I've also talked
(32:47):
about this. When it comes tokids, it's tricky, especially
when you're interactiveaddiction. Because I remember,
there's two dates I'll neverforget in my entire life,
october 25 2016 when Stella wasborn, and then November 1, 2016
when I was smoking meth in thealley, and I realized that not
even that little girl was goingto save
(33:09):
me, you know, because I've seenpeople, you know,
I love my daughter like I would.
There's nothing in this world,there's no wall I couldn't get
through if she was on the otherside, right? But,
(33:29):
but even that, even that love Ihave for her that's
unconditional through anything,there is not a single thing she
could do which I wouldn't loveher that still couldn't save me.
That's why this is a gift,because there's no way I had any
part in that, like at all.
(33:52):
I didn't have a single part inthat,
and it seems like somebody abovewas telling you you're done.
Yeah, you know, fucking god, I'mso glad I ran out of ideas
before I ran out of time forreal. You know, it's beautifully
put. I ran out of ideas before Iran out of time, you know, yeah,
because when you run out oftime, your family's left to deal
(34:13):
with the aftermath.
Yeah, you know, Thanks, Laura.
When you run out of time, youhave your little girl going
through your little shack of aroom with little to no
belongings, right? That was theend of his life, trying to
figure out her dad. It was sosad, yeah? It was so sad that
she, you know, she got a bunchof half used colognes. And it's
(34:33):
not about what she got, it'sjust about what little he had.
Yeah, you know, there was like,everything had been taken away
from him, yeah? And it wasreally, like, truly bottom Yeah.
And to have your daughter haveto go through your phone and
read these messages. And, youknow, you don't think about
(34:54):
these things when you're whenyou're
leaving this world by yourself.
You know? Yeah, he did die inthe bathroom by himself, you
know, he didn't have a Narcan inthere, you're right.
And there was nobody else thatknew he was in there, so he was
in there for two hours, yeah, soyou don't plan these kind of
(35:14):
things, you know.
And I'm sure he wasn't planningto die on a toilet, you know, I
guess like Elvis. He went outlike Elvis. There's that,
you know, but um,is it is a gift. When you
finally decide that you'rethat's a gift, sick and tired of
being sick and tired, yeah, andyou just want to be done with
(35:36):
it. And every day is still,you know, a struggle. Yeah, it
is always, it's gonna always be,but that's life. Yeah. I mean, I
still walk past tense and Ilike, wonder what the fuck
they're doing inside. I'm like,What the fuck you know? Like,
I'm like, crazy, the fuck dude,if I see a tent at night and I
see like, flickering of afucking light lighter, like
(35:58):
someone with a torch, I'm like,I don't you know, but that's the
great thing about now, is theidea comes in my head. Oh,
that'd be a great idea, andthat's all it is. It's just a
fucking idea.
That's what this has given me.
It's just an idea. I still getthe thoughts. I'm far from
fucking fixed, trust me, butthey're just thoughts. Now,
they're not like, you know, whenyou were in it and the thoughts
(36:19):
were in your fucking chest.
Yeah, when you the thoughtsbecame in action exactly when
you had to, you had to pick uplike, there was not another
fucking Avenue. There was nopause. There was no like, maybe
I'll consider this, or maybe,you know, you had to fucking
(36:42):
pick up dope. That's the fuckingthe greatest thing is, I'm not
my life, and your life is nolonger ruled by these fucking
crazy impulse reactions. We getruled because I was a fucking
slave, yep, and not the goodkind of slave either, you know,
(37:02):
not like the one I'm walkingaround and, you know, West
Hollywood on a leash and acaller totally done that. But by
the way, you send me the bestpictures ever.
I get pictures from her whenshe's doing her thing, and if I
guess the person, and I've seensome of the wackiest pictures.
They bring me so much joy. Theguy that was on the cross in
(37:24):
like a pink tutu with this, withthe blindfold on, and you're
like, you're like, like, selfieing me. And I'm like, this is I
got that when I was driving andI honestly nearly crashed. I
thought that was the greatestthing I've ever seen. And I'm
like, and you know what? I'mlike, you get it, dude, I'm glad
for you, man. I have a lot offun doing what I do. Of course,
(37:45):
you do know, yeah, it's, it'sone hell of a ride. Yeah, hey,
we'll be right back. But beforewe do please consider helping us
grow this podcast. You could dothat a number of different ways.
You can hit follow on Spotify.
You can rate us, review us. Butwhat would be really awesome
would be if you could share thiswith one other addict or
alcoholic that you think couldget something out this podcast.
(38:05):
If everyone did that, we wouldgrow this thing tremendously.
But as always, thank you forlistening and thank you for your
support. So we ask every guestthis as we come to the end of
this, we ask every guest thisquestion, what would you tell
little Ruby. Now, if you couldsay something to your younger
self, what would you tell them?
(38:27):
Stop second guessing yourself.
Stay confident, stay positive,and
just be true to yourself. But Ithink you've already done that.
You're a real one. Idon't know if I've always done
(38:48):
that, you know? I mean, I, Iwent through hell too,
sometimes, little little Ruby,by the way, was made fun of all
the time because of her frecklesand her red hair,
you know. So I went through thislike Ugly Duckling phase, and
then I became a bad bitch, andit kind of worked out in the
(39:09):
end, you know, I guesshaving to defend myself in
elementary school and being abully paid off in the end, you
know, now I get paid for it.
You love it. Thanks for comingin today. Thank you. Bye.
Ah, that's the sound of pink cloud coffee
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Sicker than others, listenersget 10% off their first order.
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(00:23):
on the ups and downs of recoverybrought to you from within a
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This podcast does not reflectthe views or opinions of beta
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than others. Neither speaks forAA or recovery as a whole, but
you'll find some useful links onboth if you'd like to find out
more information sicker thanothers, touches on subjects and
situations that some listenersmight find offensive, or, if
(00:44):
you're lucky, triggering youhave been warned.
David,Hi, welcome to sicker than
(01:09):
others. The podcast brought toyou from within a treatment
center in Los Angeles. I have apublic service announcement
because, hey, this is my show. Ican do whatever the fuck I want.
I have one year sobriety, andthat is fucking mental for
anyone that doesn't know mystory. Oh, thank you, yay. So
for 15 years I've been trying toget sober. I'm a pretty gnarly
(01:32):
meth and sex addict, and at somepoint I will tell my story on
here, but not fucking today. Butmy point is, is that it is
possible, because I was a trueDie Hard. Was never gonna get
sober and and I fucking did it.
So,yeah, I never thought, I never
(01:55):
thought I would wake up with ayear sober. So
it fucking works. But anyway,more importantly, my guest today
is fuck it. I'm gonna take so myguest today is Lady Ruby rebel,
who is a professionaldominatrix, who is clean from
(02:16):
meth and has also been goingthrough some shit lately.
Welcome to the show. Thank youfor having me. So how did we
meet?
Okay, well, so I think, I think,if I remember correctly, we met
when you were on your way downto San Diego for whatever hell
(02:38):
reason that was, yeah, and Ithink you reached out to me from
one of my ads I had online,yeah. And you were like,
wanting to have sex, right?
Yeah. And I don't think youunderstood exactly what it was I
did, no. So I believe I gotangry with you, yeah. And ended
up talking some shit. And Ibelieve I said some really
offensive things, like, youknow,
(03:02):
well, of course you wouldn'tknow that, just like your
country doesn't know to putfluoride in the waters,
which was really, really rude,but I was just, you know, kind
of upset that, you know, peopledon't understand what it is to
be a dominatrix, and they thinkIt's relatively the same thing
as as a hooker, you know, andsome may do that to each their
(03:25):
own. That doesn't bother me atall. But then you actually
became a genuine friend of mine.
Yes, right? Yes, I did. And Ithink you probably saw that. I
probably wasn't in a good place.
You weren't No, which is why Ialways was reaching out. Yeah,
because, you know, being in theprogram of Alcoholics Anonymous
myself has beenan eye opener. And, you know, I
(03:46):
practice these principles andall my affairs, try to at least,
yeah,it's out there. It's out the
fuck it. I don't care. Yeah, youknow me for sex services, and
then we became friends. Yeah,that's what happened. Well, you
know, I've talked about thisonce before on my podcast.
Again, I with another guest wehad on. She was a sex worker,
(04:07):
and actually, I wasn't planningon jumping this straight away,
but I will always say, as muchas my addiction had its hold on
me, I've met some really goodpeople, like, like you and like,
and I know really good people,the idea that sex work, whatever
type of sex work, is this dark.
And did you trust me, the sex Ilike is dark and dingy, but I've
(04:29):
met some genuine people, like,I've had the most intimate
conversations with people. Ithink it's where people have
seen me for who I really am,selfishly, you know what I mean?
Like, I don't have to have afacade. And so this idea that
sex work is, is, is, I don'tthink it if you're doing it for
the right reason, like if you'redoing it, if you're doing it
(04:52):
sober, or doing domination,domination sober, I think, I
think it's liberal.
Dating. And I'm just sayingthat, like, this whole cliche
that it's all dark and dirty.
It's not, I mean, like youfucking me from date, like we've
been exchanging messages forlike, a long time, and like
you've been following myjourney, and it's been like,
great to get to know you too ona human level. It's like, I've
(05:13):
met some great people, not allof them, I'd say, like, 5% of
them. I believe I reached out toyou, and I said something like,
because I had been watching yourjourney through social media,
because I was always wonderinghow you were doing, you know.
And I reached out, and I waslike, Hey, how are you, you
know, we didn't used to usetogether. Just a heads up, yeah,
you know, I don't know if you'retrying to avoid me because you
(05:36):
think I'm gonna be like, youknow, yeah, part of your past in
a negative manner, right? But,um, it was nice to know that you
were on, you know, the straightand narrow path, and that, you
know, your relationship withStella gotten better, yeah. I
mean, you know, pretty you knowa lot about me, you know, it's
great. And I know, you know, weknow our kids names and like, we
have a real relationship, andthat's,
(06:00):
that's why I get sober to havereal relationships. I didn't
have those before, you know. Ihad transactions and people I
knew and acquaintances exactly,but I didn't have real friends,
you know. So why not explainwhat a dominatrix is?
A dominatrix explain it from ahigh level. So because I was
confused when I try to hire youto have sex with me.
(06:24):
The board are gonna love this,holy shit. So we're basically
thereto help others explore. You
know, we're that one person thatyou can turn to that's probably
heard it all, seen it all, anddone it all, you know. And it's,
it's, it's one of those raremoments, you know, just like
within sobriety, when you makethose real connections, yeah,
you're making that realconnection with somebody because
(06:46):
they knowthat, you know, all their deep
and dirty secrets, and viceversa. So it's kind of like a
vulnerability factor thathappens that is beneficial for
both parties. You know, we'relike a guide through sexual
exploration and becoming onewith oneself, right? That
(07:07):
sounded really fucking cheesy.
It sounded great whatever we'relooking at the 20,000 view right
here. I love that. Butdominatrix is, don't have
traditionally, don't haveintercourse, correct?
See, now, that's a, that's aninteresting question. Some may
(07:28):
Yeah, and some may not. So I'mnot going to sit here and say
that, you know, traditionally,no, it's not. That's not the end
game, okay? You know, if theywant you to finish at the end,
that's when you do. You know,it's not like a given, okay, you
know, yeah. So you basically areturning your your will and your
(07:49):
your submission over to, youknow, another being, right? You
put a lot of trust in them. Yes,it's 100%
trust. That's what it's basedon. Yeah.
So sex and drugs are reallyintertwined for me. For me,
(08:10):
how in your 11 years clean ofmeth,
how do you what am I trying tosay?
Was that easy for you toseparate the two
or I guess it's not. I guess foryou, it's work. Hold on. I got
to think about this questionthrough a little
bit more. I bet what I'm tryingto say is, I bet you see some
(08:31):
gnarly shit. Yes, right.
Do you ever feel that yoursobriety is in risk by doing
what you do?
I mean, I'm not going to lie.
There's a lot of clients that Ihave that do use, right, you
know, andyou're not supposed to let
people do that, you know, duringa session, they're not supposed
to be high, you're not supposedto be drunk, you know, both
(08:53):
parties, right?
But I do see a lot of peoplethat, you know, they can only
get into that, you know, frameof mind, if they have that,
right? You know, for you, liketo be around drugs. If someone's
using drugs, it's, you know, itmay have been a problem
(09:13):
a few years back, right?
However, I feel nowadays, theidea of doing any hard drugs,
for me is scary as shit, yeah.
And you know, that's due to thewhole fentanyl epidemic. And
that for me is, you know, enoughto be like, pump the brakes. I'm
not trying to leave this worldright now, right? You know,
(09:34):
because it's not like a matterof if it's when, yeah, and
you're and safety is important,and safety must come first,
right? And I guess I just getwhat I'm trying to think of, is
it must it must be. It must be.
Is it is it taxing on you whenyou see people that are in an
addiction, or is it just part ofthe gig? I
(09:56):
know it's a difficult questionto answer. You know what
I will you know?
It's possible. Sorry, but youknow, it's possible to get
sober, yes,because you were a hope to die
drug addict, alcoholic too.
Yeah, my main problem wasalcohol. Yeah, yeah.
But um,as far as the question you
asked,I would say that my experience
(10:19):
being sober and in the programand with all the people that
I've met has actually, in a way,given me this, like, mother hen
kind of thing. And I find myselftaking in a lot of people that
are suffering, yeah, and I justkind of like, you know, I just
want to put them under my wing.
(10:41):
I just want to I to, I just wantto show them that, you know, you
can live sober, you can livelife a different way. You know,
I don't try to push it on peoplethough. You know, you gotta let
people come to their own Yes,but being kind Yes, have I
gotten messed up? But, you know,fucked over by them, yeah, yes,
(11:02):
right? And that is the taxingpart, right? Because I put a lot
of time and effort and love intopeople, yeah. And then, you
know, people are going to bepeople, yeah. And especially
when they're people that aresuffering, still, yeah,
they don't have that consciousconscious, conscious, no, you
know. And when they're gettingbetter, they need kind people
(11:25):
around them. They don't needpushovers, but they need kind
people. And you've always beenreally kind to me, despite my a
lot of people would probablydisagree with you on that
statement. Well, sometimes I'mnot. I don't care about them. I
care about me, right and like,but like for me, messaging with
you and being able to talk toyou about this stuff like that.
I knew I needed, I needed a kindperson who saw me as me, who
(11:48):
didn't really know me on thisfacade life that I was in, and
it was like it was so healing.
It's healing just having arelationship with you. It's just
healingnot not not be I mean, I've
never felt judged, right? Andthe way I met you is a pretty
judge, judgmental. I mean, it'sa pretty good situation to judge
someone on, you know, and and Ineed to know people like you
(12:12):
like I need, I need that in mylife. I need to know people that
know what it's like to gothrough what I've gone through,
and also someone I can talk toabout this stuff, about, you
know, you know, and not feel forme. Shit dies when it's in the
light, right? Sex, shit, drugshit, like it dies when it's in
the light. It kills me when Ikeep it inside, right? And I
(12:33):
think you've been a really greatoutlet. And also, you just send
the best memes out of, I mean, Icopy your stories on Instagram,
like, what, three times a week,like, you're the meme goddess.
So tell me about your journeygetting clean. Okay, so
I went to UC Santa Cruz, and Iwas a poli sci major, which is
(12:59):
probably the worst fucking majorto have in Santa Cruz, and, you
know, they wanted us to read alot, and all the kids in college
were doing Adderall, and that'show that whole thing started. I
remember crushing up a pill ofAdderall, and it makes this pink
powder stuff, and then you snortit, and it's the most horrific
(13:20):
thing, yes, like, sweetener,yes, right, okay. I mean, like,
snorting sweetener, yeah,exactly. And, you know, that
was, like, the whole rage for awhile. Yeah, I could read, you
know, three books a day. It wasfucking great Communist
Manifesto, no problem, you know.
And,and then it, and then it got to
be speed, right? Yeah, that was,um, cheaper and, you know,
(13:43):
ironically, easier to get, yeah,so, yeah. So speed became, you
know, the thing that everybodywas doing, but, um, it took over
me, and I ended up leaving SantaCruz and coming down to Orange
County, which is like, you know,the meth capital, yeah, so there
was no escaping it, and it foundme again.
(14:10):
And thenI met a man named Chris, and we
both were in our addiction.
And then I got pregnant, andI decided at that point, here
and there, that there was no,you know, either I'm going to be
(14:30):
a mother or I'm going to be adrug addict. You know, there was
a point and athere was a choice to be made
there, and so I did. I I wentand got some help.
I actually turned myself intothe police, and that's the way I
got my help, because I had somewarrants, I know, right, dumb
(14:53):
shit, but I knew, I knew that ifI, if I tried to do it on my
own, I.
Wasn't gonna succeed. So Iwalked up to the police, and I
was like, you know, I have awarrant. My name's yada yada
yada andand, you know, they were like,
really? So they took me in, andI did three months,
(15:15):
and then I got out, and I had adifferent outlook on life. I
was, you know, pumped. I wasready to go. And and
then when I got out, me and her,her dad went and, you know,
started a little life together.
It was wonderful, until hismother came and started living
with us a little bit, and shewas drinking heavily, and it
(15:36):
just, it just really cramped myfucking style. I mean, I hated
my living situation, and Istarted drinking. I thought,
Well, my problem was with drugs,right? I can drink.
No, no. That was the that wasprobably the worst decision I
(15:57):
ever made. And my alcoholproblem grew bigger and bigger
until I finally left him andwent down to live with my mother
in San Diego for a bit, andthen, for some stupid ass
reason, I get this idea to godrive up to Orange County, where
(16:19):
we used to live, and start someshit with him, you know. And I'd
been drinking pretty heavilythat day. So I made it all the
way up to San Clemente from SanDiego, and I start to get pulled
over. And I decided, fuck it,you know, I'm not gonna be
pulling over for anybody. So Itook off for about a good 11
(16:41):
minutes with eight of OrangeCounty's finest behind me.
And for some reason, I decidedto get off on the only stop on
the five south that was with,you know, the Highway Patrol set
up right there, and I exited onCamino Capistrano clipped about
four signs in a meter. And, youknow, by the grace of God, I
(17:04):
didn't hit anybody that day.
Yeah, God damn. I mean, this wasat 6pm on a Friday evening, you
guys. So I'm, I don't know how,I don't know who the hell was
watching after me, but I didn'thit anybody that day. I totaled
the fuck out of my car. Yeah,with my little eco button. I
don't know how I was gonna, youknow, by the way, folks, if
(17:25):
you're asking if I had ahelicopter, no, um, my but it
was that was next to arrive forsure. Well, yes, yes, it was.
They were scrambling,apparently, at 15 minutes on a
high speed chase. That's whenthe helicopter comes into play.
Now, not normal people knowthis, you know. So you know, if
you ever want to know when youcould pull an OJ, it's about 15
(17:49):
minutes. Yeah.
So, um,so I ended up, you know, of
course, going to jail andgetting a fabulous Jewish
attorney,and that man saved my ass. He
made it to where I was able todo my time in work furlough in
(18:09):
San Diego. And you know, he eventold me he's like my dear I've
been doing this for 27 years,and I need to tell you that you
are the drunkest femaleI've ever had
27 years. Wow. And my BAC was apoint three, three, whoa, so I
(18:35):
wasn't fucking around. Yeah,that was over four times the
legal limit, and like in thepolice report, it said she was
lucid, walking and talking. Andthey're like, wow, you know. And
he just couldn't believe it.
He's like, I'm giving you thisopportunity, but I need you to
know you can't. You know it'simportant that you seek
assistance when you're doneserving your time, you know? So
(19:00):
I did i i did my time. Ifinished all that. And then me
and my daughter just startedbuilding our life together, and
she grew up in the program ofAA. I mean, she could probably
recite the entire preamble,and it's just been a beautiful
thing. She doesn't remember meever being drunk. Yeah? Thank
(19:21):
God. Yeah, you know.
And I'm not gonna say it's notwithout its challenges. Yeah,
I've had deaths in the family.
I've had, you know, shit theworld went to hell, and we had
our kids stuck at home with usfor a year and a half, yeah, and
then they wanted us to be sane,you know. So it's not without
(19:45):
its trials and tribulations, butI keep myself surrounded with
people that are in the program,you know, that are living the
straight and narrow, yeah? Andyou.
You know, I pick up a fewstragglers on the way that are
still needing a little help, youknow. But, um,
(20:07):
yeah, it's, it's been abeautiful journey up until, you
know what just recentlyhappened, yeah, and that that's
kind of what preempted me towant to come in here today,
which is, you know, a wholefentanyl epidemic, yeah. So you
want to talk about that, I do. Ido. So you want to tell everyone
what happened last week. I do.
So last week I got a call frommy ex's mother, and she it was
(20:29):
like 730 in the morning. Mydaughter just left to go to
school. She goes to college now,and she told me that Chris had
passed away, and that's mydaughter's father.
And, you know, I haven't talkedto the man in a long time. I
knew he was active in hisaddictions, and
(20:50):
it still came as a great shock,and I still
find myself sad about it, youknow, yeah, and it's just,
it's a shamehow much this man's gonna miss
out on my daughter's wonderfullife. You know, how much he's
gonna miss her getting marriedsomeday, maybe a grandchild, I'm
(21:14):
hoping. You know, um,and how young he was. He was
only 41 Yeah, you know, it's,it's not the same as when we
were using things back in theday. It's a different ball game
now, you know, and I always tellpeople like, carry Narcan
(21:35):
around, it's that common. Yeah,it's, it's not if, it's when,
exactly, now it is. You noticethey don't really have, like, a
fentanyl pipe.
I always say this, right? I'mlike, It's true though, yeah, I
haven't seen one yet, but theyhave a meth pipe, and then
there's other devices forsmoking crack, yeah? But they
(21:57):
don't have a fentanyl pipe.
There's foil, yeah, or whateverthe hell else they use. But you
have to wonder, like, Well, whyare they not making one? Why
isn't there like, a device yet?
Yeah, that's, you know, becausethey're all dying, yeah, yeah,
whoever was getting this idea tomake it is now dead, because
(22:18):
that's just what's gonna happen.
Yeah, the life saving medicine,it's not the easiest thing to
get. I mean, it's available, butI was doing some research. So I
was thinking about, I wanted to,I was seeing so many people
overdose and die in Venice onfentanyl, and I was looking into
maybe, like, doing, like, a bikedelivery service for fentanyl.
And I was looking into the cost,so it costs 100 so the Narcan,
the patent on it costsessentially 150 bucks. Is what
(22:41):
the insurance company have topay for the patent on the thing.
Guess how much Narcan is in asyringe?
Three cents.
Three cents in a syringe. Soyou'll notice that paramedics
will have it in syringes. Nowit's so cheap to save people's
lives, it would be so cheap, butbecause there's a patent on the
(23:03):
delivery device of it going upyour nose, there's like, mammoth
costs associated with it. Isn'tthat fucking crazy? I mean, that
doesn't shock me at all. This isAmerica, but it's, it's fucking
crazy, yeah, you know, but Ithink there are programs where
you can get, you know, freeNarcan?
Yeah, there are, and I thinkthere are some. I know that
(23:24):
there's somemedical have a program. But my
point is, when you're usingfentanyl or meth, the you know,
you're, I mean, the first thingyou should be thinking about if
you are a fentanyl user is, do Ihave my Narcan on me? But it's
always not on a lot of people'sTo Do List grocery shopping that
day, you know? I mean, it's not,it's more of a thing to get the
drug, yeah, of course, and thenworry about it later, like your
(23:46):
priorities, yeah, I'll worryabout it. Let's see if it's a
good batch first, you know, orwhatever. I don't know. And
that's another point. Theyactually give out those test
strips too. So if there are anypeople out there that are still
using, if you must, you know, atleast test it. It's in
everything. Now I remember, onon some one of my last runs, a
year and a bit ago, I got somemeth from someone new, and I hid
(24:07):
it, and it started making mesleepy. And I'm like,
This is not good. And it wasmeth. It then, you know, the
more I smoked, it was meth, andI got high. But it, it
wasn't just meth. You know what?
I mean, yeah, and that's whatI've heard from quite a few
people cocaine, too. I know onedude who I was with sober living
in about a year and a half ago,and he
(24:31):
was in Vegas, went out with somechicks he met, did a bump of
cocaine, and it was,it wasn't cocaine or it was
cocaine with fentanyl in it. Youknow, I got a friend, get this.
I got a friend who was smokingcrack in a motel, and his friend
was smoking fentanyl, and he wascarpet surfing, and he thought
he found a crack rock, oh no,and he smoked a crack rock of
(24:54):
fentanyl, and was in a coma forseven.
Six weeks, right? Rick Chris,like six weeks. Oh, our friend.
I want to mention hisname. It's fucking real, and
people are dying left and right,left and right. I mean, it's,
it's,it's getting worse. It's getting
(25:17):
worse, it's getting worse. And Iguess the problem is they keep
on changing up. However the hellit is they're making it, yeah,
so it's harder to ban it whenthe recipe is being constantly
shifted, you know?
And it's, it doesn't make anysense to me, like, Why kill off
(25:39):
your clientele?
You know, yeah.
And that's like,if we get into the depths of
that, that's a whole nother. ButI get why people do it, you
know, we find the drugs we need,right? I really believe that we
find, we actively search out thedrugs we need, whether we know
we need them or not, it's whatwe you know, at that moment,
it's what we need. And somepeople just want to be put
(26:01):
asleep, and it's fucked up. It'sfucked up, and it's such a fine
line of like,is this gonna kill me or is it
not gonna kill me? But since Iwas in treatment, I know five
people that have diedin like just went out and died.
Five people, so I know now,1-234-567-8910,
(26:34):
1112, 13 people I know that havedied from fentanyl. 13 people,
yeah, I don't know 13 peoplethat died of cancer,
and I know a lot of people,that's, you know what? I mean,
yeah, that's a good point. Like,I know, like, maybe five people
have died of cancer, 10 peoplethat died of cancer, maybe,
yeah, 13 people I know have diedof fentanyl. I think, um, for
(26:55):
five in this year. That'stelling me it's getting worse.
Yeah, that's, well, it hit homefor me this year. You know, for
sure, it was, you know, I usedto use drugs with Madison's dad.
You know, it's really weird.
It's and I am convinced, andthis is the part of me that
changed the most. I can tell youthat when I came to treatment
(27:18):
this time, I didn't feel anydifferent.
I felt just as low as I'vealways felt.
I didn't know whether this wasgoing to work or not.
I felt the same as I had donethe other three times I'd been
in treatment. All the times Iwent to jail, like I felt the
same shame, but it was the same.
I didn't feel any worse. Ididn't noticeably. There wasn't
like a notice fire in the enginethat this time was going to be
(27:43):
different. So I have to, I haveto believe that something saved
me. I have to, I have to believethat. Call it what you want,
because I didn't. I came in. Ineeded a break. I need to get
better. I need to get the heatoff, needing to get my kids mom
off my back. Needed to do this.
You do that. I wasn't a betterperson. I wasn't, I wasn't
finished, you know, I wasfinished, but I wasn't, I
(28:06):
didn't, you know, I didn't makea declaration that it was going
to be different this time. I wasjust doing the junky Jive dance,
right? And I had to do the junkydance again. And here I am
again. I'm in another treatmentcenter,
and it was different, and thatwas not of my doing
at all. I just showed up.
And so I think that when we knowpeople that have died from
(28:28):
people that we used withthe difference between you and
him is, you got the you got thegift, you got the gift and he
didn't,yeah, I think it comes down to
that. I mean, we can say that wedo work, and we can say that
we're going to meetings, we'redoing the step work, and we're
working ourselves, and we'rereading Tony Robbins books, and
we're fucking running on thebeach and and we're drinking
green smoothies, and we're doingoutreach, and we care about
(28:50):
other people, and we can do allthese things, and all these
things help.
But if I start to think that Ihad anything to do with this
gift I was given. I'm gonnastart getting in trouble,
because my ego will take thatand it'll kill me. And I think
for you, you got the gift and hedidn't,
(29:12):
whatever it took, however ithappened. Who gives a fuck? Who
gives a fuck? How it happenedyou got the gift, and I that's
how I keep this now, I think ofmy sobriety as a gift that I can
lose at any point. Yes, asfreely as it was given to me, it
can freely be taken away. Andthat's what keeps me on my
(29:33):
fucking toes.
You know, people ask me like,Why do you always say you're a
recovering addict? You know?
Why? Why do you say recovering?
You're recovered. You've beensober. And I'm like, No, it
doesn't work that way. Though.
I'm always going to be anaddict. You know, my my sponsor
brought it up to me one time,and I love this little analogy.
But he said, you know, we'reall.
(29:58):
We were all. Can.
Cucumbers once, and then we gotpickled. And we're never gonna
go back to being a cucumberagain.
Be a fucking pickle. We're justgonna be a pickle. Yeah, and you
just have to learn to live withit and manage it. And what you
know when it comes to fentanylpeople, yes, it's sad, somebody
(30:19):
died, it's sad,but, like, the ripple effect is
huge. It's, it'slike you said, he's gonna miss
out on all these things and butyou were talking to me, your
daughter's being a fucking rockstar through this, right? She
really is. And that fuckingisn't that amazing? I don't even
(30:40):
know where this kid came from.
Sometimes I have the best childyou could ever imagine, and
she's been hell and back withboth parents essentially, you
know, andshe's handling this like a
trooper. I mean, she's calm andcollected. We had to go through
her dad's things the other dayat the sober living where he
(31:01):
passed away. And, you know,she's just handling it, dealing
with this whole family, and, youknow,
just not losing her cool, andshe handles things with class.
My mother said that term abouther and I, and I always, I like
to think about that now, she'sdefinitely a lot classier than I
(31:24):
am in that aspect, you know,yeah, but class is not something
you're given. Class is somethingyou're taught.
I know, right? So she learnedthat from someone. That's why
I'm one. I raised her by myself,yeah? Truly. I mean, he's been
through his addiction for aminute, so,
but, um, it's weird to see yourchild grow up and you're like,
(31:44):
gosh, where did you come from?
You know, she's just been such ablessing to me. If I didn't have
her, I would be dead already.
Yeah, I feel the same way. Yeah.
And I got that I understood yourrelationship you had with your
daughter, yeah.
Yeah. You know, even throughyour addiction,
(32:05):
yeah, I will say thatyou did have some hindrance of
still being a good dad.
Yeah, thank you. I needed tohear that. Um, you know, for me,
it'slike I haven't missed anything,
you know. I haven't missed abirthday. I haven't missed a
(32:25):
first day of school,which is great,
but I wasn't present for a lotof it, whether she picked up on
it or not, that will remain tobe told, you know, but
I showed up and I and I've andI've also, I've also talked
(32:47):
about this. When it comes tokids, it's tricky, especially
when you're interactiveaddiction. Because I remember,
there's two dates I'll neverforget in my entire life,
october 25 2016 when Stella wasborn, and then November 1, 2016
when I was smoking meth in thealley, and I realized that not
even that little girl was goingto save
(33:09):
me, you know, because I've seenpeople, you know,
I love my daughter like I would.
There's nothing in this world,there's no wall I couldn't get
through if she was on the otherside, right? But,
(33:29):
but even that, even that love Ihave for her that's
unconditional through anything,there is not a single thing she
could do which I wouldn't loveher that still couldn't save me.
That's why this is a gift,because there's no way I had any
part in that, like at all.
(33:52):
I didn't have a single part inthat,
and it seems like somebody abovewas telling you you're done.
Yeah, you know, fucking god, I'mso glad I ran out of ideas
before I ran out of time forreal. You know, it's beautifully
put. I ran out of ideas before Iran out of time, you know, yeah,
because when you run out oftime, your family's left to deal
(34:13):
with the aftermath.
Yeah, you know, Thanks, Laura.
When you run out of time, youhave your little girl going
through your little shack of aroom with little to no
belongings, right? That was theend of his life, trying to
figure out her dad. It was sosad, yeah? It was so sad that
she, you know, she got a bunchof half used colognes. And it's
(34:33):
not about what she got, it'sjust about what little he had.
Yeah, you know, there was like,everything had been taken away
from him, yeah? And it wasreally, like, truly bottom Yeah.
And to have your daughter haveto go through your phone and
read these messages. And, youknow, you don't think about
(34:54):
these things when you're whenyou're
leaving this world by yourself.
You know? Yeah, he did die inthe bathroom by himself, you
know, he didn't have a Narcan inthere, you're right.
And there was nobody else thatknew he was in there, so he was
in there for two hours, yeah, soyou don't plan these kind of
(35:14):
things, you know.
And I'm sure he wasn't planningto die on a toilet, you know, I
guess like Elvis. He went outlike Elvis. There's that,
you know, but um,is it is a gift. When you
finally decide that you'rethat's a gift, sick and tired of
being sick and tired, yeah, andyou just want to be done with
(35:36):
it. And every day is still,you know, a struggle. Yeah, it
is always, it's gonna always be,but that's life. Yeah. I mean, I
still walk past tense and Ilike, wonder what the fuck
they're doing inside. I'm like,What the fuck you know? Like,
I'm like, crazy, the fuck dude,if I see a tent at night and I
see like, flickering of afucking light lighter, like
(35:58):
someone with a torch, I'm like,I don't you know, but that's the
great thing about now, is theidea comes in my head. Oh,
that'd be a great idea, andthat's all it is. It's just a
fucking idea.
That's what this has given me.
It's just an idea. I still getthe thoughts. I'm far from
fucking fixed, trust me, butthey're just thoughts. Now,
they're not like, you know, whenyou were in it and the thoughts
(36:19):
were in your fucking chest.
Yeah, when you the thoughtsbecame in action exactly when
you had to, you had to pick uplike, there was not another
fucking Avenue. There was nopause. There was no like, maybe
I'll consider this, or maybe,you know, you had to fucking
(36:42):
pick up dope. That's the fuckingthe greatest thing is, I'm not
my life, and your life is nolonger ruled by these fucking
crazy impulse reactions. We getruled because I was a fucking
slave, yep, and not the goodkind of slave either, you know,
(37:02):
not like the one I'm walkingaround and, you know, West
Hollywood on a leash and acaller totally done that. But by
the way, you send me the bestpictures ever.
I get pictures from her whenshe's doing her thing, and if I
guess the person, and I've seensome of the wackiest pictures.
They bring me so much joy. Theguy that was on the cross in
(37:24):
like a pink tutu with this, withthe blindfold on, and you're
like, you're like, like, selfieing me. And I'm like, this is I
got that when I was driving andI honestly nearly crashed. I
thought that was the greatestthing I've ever seen. And I'm
like, and you know what? I'mlike, you get it, dude, I'm glad
for you, man. I have a lot offun doing what I do. Of course,
(37:45):
you do know, yeah, it's, it'sone hell of a ride. Yeah, hey,
we'll be right back. But beforewe do please consider helping us
grow this podcast. You could dothat a number of different ways.
You can hit follow on Spotify.
You can rate us, review us. Butwhat would be really awesome
would be if you could share thiswith one other addict or
alcoholic that you think couldget something out this podcast.
(38:05):
If everyone did that, we wouldgrow this thing tremendously.
But as always, thank you forlistening and thank you for your
support. So we ask every guestthis as we come to the end of
this, we ask every guest thisquestion, what would you tell
little Ruby. Now, if you couldsay something to your younger
self, what would you tell them?
(38:27):
Stop second guessing yourself.
Stay confident, stay positive,and
just be true to yourself. But Ithink you've already done that.
You're a real one. Idon't know if I've always done
(38:48):
that, you know? I mean, I, Iwent through hell too,
sometimes, little little Ruby,by the way, was made fun of all
the time because of her frecklesand her red hair,
you know. So I went through thislike Ugly Duckling phase, and
then I became a bad bitch, andit kind of worked out in the
(39:09):
end, you know, I guesshaving to defend myself in
elementary school and being abully paid off in the end, you
know, now I get paid for it.
You love it. Thanks for comingin today. Thank you. Bye.
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