November 23, 2025 • 52 mins
Mastering the Art of the Ask with Laura Fredricks - Secrets to Confident RequestsIn this episode, Dian Griesel interviews Laura Fredricks, the author of 'Hard Asks Made Easy,' a top Amazon bestseller. Laura shares her insights on why people struggle to ask for what they want and how to overcome these barriers. The conversation delves into the psychology behind why people feel undeserving, the importance of focus and preparation, and practical strategies for making effective asks in both personal and professional settings. The episode wraps up with actionable advice on handling rejection and the importance of knowing who the decision-makers are in any situation.
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I’m Dian Griesel and in November of 2017 I began blogging as @SilverDisobedience on my website and @SilverDisobedience on Instagram Facebook and @DianGriesel X Career-wise, I am a perception analyst, counselor, hypnotherapist, author of 16 books and a Wilhelmina model. For 30 years, via owning an investor & public relations firm, while being in private practice, I have helped my clients to achieve greater understanding as to how perceptions impact everything we do whether personally or professionally. A couple of years ago I added a podcast. Episodes are unscripted, with plenty of no-holds-barred revelations from fascinating, accomplished guests living diverse lives. Intimate stories about work, play, psychology, relationships, pop culture, trends, B.S. + more are unpacked through thought-provoking questions that spark honest revelations, pivotal moments, and unguarded insights — stunning even the boldest guests with their own “aha” truths. ✨
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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/diangriesel/
This episode was recorded in collaboration with The Manhattan Center, New York City, New York
Show Run: 00:00 Introduction and Guest Introduction00:56 Why Asking is Difficult02:49 Laura's Background and Career Journey04:18 The Importance of Organization, Structure, and Focus07:04 The Role of Deserving and Self-Worth in Asking12:35 The Pandemic's Impact on Asking17:20 The Art of the Ask: Techniques and Tips25:00 Personal Relationships and Asking27:55 The Power of Confidence in Asking28:44 Understanding Ego in Asking and Being Asked30:04 The Importance of Personalization in Requests34:17 The Art of Giving and Asking36:25 Mastering the Hard No44:01 Handling Rejection and Learning from No51:02 Final Thoughts and Conclusion
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hi, have you one ever wondered why is it so hard to ask for
what we want? What causes us to be resistant
to just saying could you please or I wish I could have or would
you do this for me? Would you help me?
(00:21):
Why is it so hard for us to do this?
Well, we're going to find out today.
My guest is Laura Fredericks. She is the author of Hard Asks
Make Made Easy. It's on the top of the Amazon
bestseller list, bestseller listbecause she's got tremendously
(00:42):
great information in here in these pages.
So please say hi to Laura Fredericks.
Hello everyone. Thank you.
Thank you, Diane. This is great.
I've been so looking forward to this.
I We just have to start right atthe beginning.
Let's go. Why is it hard for people to ask
for what they want? Because they never really know
what they want #1 and #2 they don't feel they deserve it.
(01:05):
O2 Good points. OK, so why do you think they
don't know what they want? In their head, they think, they
think, they think, and they think themselves out of it.
Or they even ask. They're like, well, this person
really can't do it. That's really too much.
I should wait. They know what I want, so why
should I have to ask? Is there a tie somehow between
(01:28):
not wanting to ask and in your opinion, people who just take on
too much and don't know how to say no?
Part of it is that, but usually people who take on too much
blurt it out and it's not reallyan ask.
So part of this in the book too is was your ask really an ask or
was it just blurted out with theassumption people will know what
(01:51):
to do? So people who really are
overwhelmed like you just described, they really will just
blurt things out and sit back and expect it to come.
And then all the disappointment comes floating in because you
didn't give people the parameters of what you want,
when you want it, how you want it done, and why it's important
to you. The biggest piece of the ask is
no one ever expresses why it's important.
(02:11):
And I always say to people, it can be difficult.
And believe me, I know I've, I've been doing this for three
decades. I know why it's difficult
because you feel like you're putting yourself out there.
It's almost like being on the 10m diving board looking down
and it's a concrete pool with nowater, right?
That's what goes through you. But when you sit there and say
no, I really deserve this. This is exactly what I want.
(02:33):
You're the person to do it. And This is why I want you to
help me. It's all fine, but no one goes
through those little bit of steps, and that's what the
book's all about. So how does someone define that?
All right, so I have as you haveread and I put see as a lawyer
you really thank you. I am a lawyer.
Background and then lawyer. I am a lawyer, so just very
(02:53):
simply, journalism and law equalorganization structure and focus
since what I apply my whole life.
So in journalism, I started, youknow, when I was in college
asking good questions because you get the story like you do
with your podcast. You ask good questions, you get
the story, right. So that led into law and I
(03:13):
worked for the attorney general's office in Pennsylvania
doing civil litigation, having 462 cases, because any time
someone sued the state, state office, state office, Sir, six
of us across the state would represent.
Oh my gosh, what a caseload. It, it was, it was huge, but
what an experience. But I learned how to win cases
(03:34):
and it was on cross examination.And why?
Because you ask the right question at the right time.
So then I got into fundraising and that's really when this
whole thing opened up because I realized no one was asking for
money. They were taking you out,
playing golf, going to outings, nice conversation, having lunch
(03:55):
and gone. And I'm like, well, did you say
we need the money to do this? No, they'll just do the right
thing. Boom came the books and I was
like, no, we're going to place organization, structure, focus
on an area that has always been left to Luck Channel some time.
And that's how we did this. Organization.
Structure, structure and focus. Focus.
(04:16):
Let's bring. Those down.
South organization, you have to organize to optimize your chance
to get to. Yes, that means organize your
thoughts for you. Diane, what is it you want?
You wanted me to come on your podcast to discuss this so that
it will increase your viewershipand help me.
Yeah, just lay it all out. Yeah.
(04:37):
OK. That's the organization
structure. How we going to do this?
You invite me, we come here. You lay the parameters out.
Before we began all the structure, you could have just
said, let's sit down, have a nice conversation with Laura,
which is what most people do. Focus.
The most important thing. Where focus goes, success grows.
How many people do you know? We'll talk to you on their
(05:00):
phone, reading a book, looking over on, on, on.
You have lost them and you will never get to yes if you're not
laser focused. You know, it's the number one
thing I love about this podcast because I get to sit and talk to
someone with 0 interruptions. I know they're not looking at
their screen like they might be on a phone or you know, they're
(05:20):
not checking their text or even at a dinner when someone in the
middle of the conversation says,well, you know, let me just
check that on my phone. I'm like, no, no, no, we are
having a conversation right now.You can Fact Check.
You can do whatever you want. You can verify your story later.
This is our time. And you have lost it.
You've just lost it. Exactly.
(05:42):
Focus, focus. And it's easy to lose focus.
I mean, in one way, the pandemic, we never want to talk
about that, but Zoom kind of helped us because you have this
little window to look at, OK. But the people who had animals
in the background, or had their heads look like aliens or or let
their phone go off, they lost. It or presented in their
(06:04):
pajamas. Right, but it was made it a
little bit easier and it's stillgoing on.
So I say to people #1 stand up, have a mirror behind you what
Zoom did, because now we can seewhat we look like.
And you're like, Oh my gosh, I had no idea, you know, So it did
help us. But carry that through because
it's a window and a mirror into how you look, sound.
(06:26):
And are you really, really concentrating on the person in
front of you? That that's really good advice.
Whenever somebody says I, you know, I need to get a new
headshot. Or when, you know, we're working
with someone and it's like, waita second, you're getting booked
in the Wall Street Journal and you seriously sent a passport
picture to us. You know, you need a picture.
(06:47):
Stand in front of a mirror, Get comfortable, you know, because
again, it's it's a form of focusto get used to looking at
yourself. Exactly right, Exactly right.
So let's let's break it down more because I really you talked
about deserving whether somebodyfeels they deserve.
(07:11):
How does someone overcome that in your opinion?
I become their therapist. I I'm sure you do, having been a
therapist. There you go. 30 something
years, you really do. You do because you listen and
just ask good questions like what do you feel is getting in
the way? What's really at the bottom of
(07:32):
this that you can't step forwardand do this and you know, no
judgement, just just whatever itis, I'm here to listen.
And I'll probably agree with youand maybe show you how we can
take that step further. And I learned a lot.
You know, I've made a lot of mistakes, you know, figuring
this out and on, on having everyone know you've got to go
from one to 100. And I realize not everyone can
(07:54):
do this, which is why I wrote it.
Let's start easy. This is why the 1st chapter,
I've never written about myself.The 1st chapter is pretty deep
and it's about me. And so I felt like if I can show
you, you've always asked as a child, I'm bringing it out.
I'm not putting something in. Then we're on the same playing
(08:15):
field. We're all there.
We all have these fears, we all have these hesitations.
We all feel like we're going to be judged when we ask for
something that looks like we can't do it.
And the hardest ask you'll ever make in life is for help.
That is the most request I get all the time.
And I said, yes, it's hard because you're judged.
(08:36):
I should be doing this. I can multitask.
I should know this. I don't have to.
But you know what? When you're asked for help, just
how good do you feel when you'vegiven help?
Yes. And I say to people, you're
actually giving them a gift whenyou ask for help because you
make their day. You and I were just talking
about this. When I go out and I'm coming to
see you at Penn Station and I see a million people on their
(08:58):
phones. I know they're tourists.
God bless you. Thank you to come to New York
City and I'm standing as far away from here and one of my all
A5 foot two, I'm so intimidating.
I say, may I help you? No, no, no, I'm OK.
Well, it appears you need a street.
I can guide you and get you there quicker, right?
And they're like, Oh well, and Ifeel wonderful.
So I share that with them sayingwhen you ask someone for help,
(09:20):
you're really making their day and and you're speeding up the
time and you're getting where you need to go.
So it's a win win. You're not taking something
away. It's a win, win.
Well, you know, it's funny. You reminded me of a very funny
moment because I think people not only have a hard time asking
for help, people have a hard time accepting help.
(09:43):
It's a two way St. And what makes me think that is
it was a rainy day and I was dropping some.
I had to drop something off to someone who was about to take
the New Jersey Transit from PennStation, right?
And as I'm walking there, it wasa hot summer, August last year,
and it started to rain. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I am now
(10:03):
drenched. I had not bought my umbrella.
But I'm trying to protect what Ihave to pass this person.
And I'm standing and I see all these people rushing to try to
get into the train, make it on time.
Of course, they've been delayed because of the rain.
And so I start opening the door for people.
But here my mascara is running down my face, my hair.
(10:23):
I look like a washed rat on the street.
There were the people that said hello.
There were the people that smiled.
There were the people that looked at me and went to another
door. Even though.
I didn't open it like is she going to ask for money?
So it's why I share that story is I had I wrote a great blog
(10:43):
about the next day, but it really made me think about
people don't just have a hard time asking.
They have a hard time accepting accepting.
It's absolutely right, absolutely right.
Why? What?
What is your assessment on that?Deserving again, do you deserve
to help someone? Do you deserve when it comes
back, it's all like yourself worth.
(11:05):
It all comes down to yourself worth.
And so we have to start there and say, let's start easy.
Let's start a couple things thatyou can give someone and a
couple things that you want to ask someone.
Because if you don't, you're notliving your best life.
And we may only have one shot ofthis and we don't know, but why
would you go around? And the worst thing, Diane, is
that people build up resentments, yes, and it festers
(11:28):
and then it takes a toll on yourbody and your face and you start
aging and then you take it out on other people.
So this is just not a small little thing that goes away.
It mushrooms. And that's why my task in life
is to say, let's get to it. Let's do it the right way so you
feel comfortable, the other person feels comfortable, and
you both go on happy. You raised such an excellent
(11:50):
point, which is oh geez, I'm having a I'm having a brain
glitch, but she raised so many good points there.
No, but what it was was in the ask.
When someone is totally uncomfortable with asking and
that resentment builds up and they just won't go there.
(12:11):
They're almost in their mind saying they're going to say no
anyway, so why should I even bother?
And. Yes, you've talked yourself out
of it. You've.
Taught so many people talk themselves out of something
before even just risking it. So let's talk about something
that has helped people and it's it's, it's, it's going to really
be mind blowing right here. I always like to write a book
(12:34):
every three years or the pandemic came and of course
everybody is whatever. And I'm like, I can't do
anything ever. People called me, you're going
to love this. You're the ask expert.
I mean, really snarky, right? It's OK.
How do I ask my husband to leave?
How do I tell my kids time to get out of the out of the house?
(12:57):
How did my tell my boss to go? And it was comic Diane.
It was like this and it and it dawned on me.
And this is one of the things I feel like I, I enjoy doing the
most is listening and moving forward.
And so I listened to all that. And I said, what people are
telling me is they know exactly what they want and what they
(13:18):
don't want. And this is the moment I wanted.
OK, because they did. The pandemic made it really
clear about what you wanted and what you didn't want, which was
excellent. Not that that should have
happened, caused it to be at that point, but it did.
And that's how this book came out.
I knew the title right away and I said I got to get going on
this. And that's why it has every
(13:39):
category, even spirituality and marriage and kids and
infidelity. I mean, it's got it all in there
because people had the moment. You know, I always say external
forces govern internal decisions.
The external forces was everything going on with the
pandemic and everything that wasremoved from our lives.
But it became crystal clear about what you wanted and what
(14:01):
you did not. And I said we're gonna get this
book out there because they're ready for it.
And I think the timing of the book and the people's
sensibility. So now it's pretty easier in my
conversations and my speaking engagement.
I know what I want and how do I get it?
Which is far different than should I ask for this and how do
I do it very different. You've got a good point.
(14:25):
I know what I want and how do I get it?
One of the things that I know a lot of people are one of the
reasons where they're reluctant to ask.
They think that person has everything or how can I possibly
help them? And I always think that's a very
limited way of thinking. And because there's, I mean, I
(14:48):
know people who have more money than God, and nobody brings them
a present to their home. Makes a phone call.
Hi, how are you? Makes a phone call.
It's like. I'll assume that just because
that person has achieved a levelof success.
They're untouchable. They're untouchable.
(15:09):
I'll never forget at one point afriend of mine had given me
Ruben Mark's phone number, who was the, you know, for 27 years,
chairman and CEO of Colgate Palmolive.
And they had called me to make an appointment with him and he
answered his own phone. I'm like, Oh my gosh, I was not.
(15:34):
There's the gatekeeper. It's supposed to be the
gatekeeper. And he said, and I was like
speechless at that point. And he knew why, you know, why I
was calling. And he's like, well, why were
you surprised? I answered Jerome.
He goes, you know, if you're doing things right, you have a
lot of free time on your hands. And it's kind of nice to talk to
people because no one calls me anymore.
(15:55):
Right, right. Isn't that amazing?
Just amazing, you know, to piggyback on that conversation,
I, I, I've had the opportunity to work with some wonderful
groups, which is, which is great.
And the thing I love best is they come and say I want to talk
to so and so I say, tell me everything you know about them.
Everything, every e-mail, everything, every color shirt
(16:15):
they wear, Tell me everything. I'll be able to craft the
conversation you'll have. And that's all I do.
And they walk away with gazillions of dollars because
you have now shown that you've done enough to know about them,
what they like and what they don't like.
Half of the times when we're raising money, people like,
let's have a couple meetings. No, what did he just say?
(16:37):
Don't waste my time? What is don't waste my time Mean
you'll have one shot. There'll be one meeting.
And we're going to craft this specifically and say, I've heard
what you said. I'm respectful of your time.
This might seem, you know, out of the blue or abrupt, but I'm
respectful for what you asked. And this this is what we need.
(16:57):
Can you help us? You're the one to do it.
Yeah. Boom.
That's all it is. But.
But when you pull out the conversations that they've
shared with you, you're right InSync.
And you never left off. And that's how people can do the
intro to a lot of their ass. I've heard you say.
I've listened to you. I've seen you do this.
I feel you're the right one. Can you help me?
(17:20):
Simple to end the. Let's talk about how the ass
breaks down. You over ask the ask now.
I did the very simple over ask the ask, which is why my ask
formula is 2 sentences and a question.
It's like, Diane, thank you so much.
It's been great to be a guest onthis podcast.
Sentence number one sentence #2 what do I want from you is in
(17:40):
sentence #2 and this is for the people.
I don't have confidence. I have no idea if you can do
this, but what I do know is you're the person to make this
phone call to this person so I can get the speaking engagement.
It's all loaded in there. Yeah.
Nice and simple. Do you think you can do this
(18:01):
now? Why your turn to speak in that
one sentence? You know exactly what I want.
Make an introduction to get Laura speaking engagement nice
and simple. Yeah, your turn to talk and I
sit back. Simple and direct.
That's it. And then we begin.
Yeah, why I did that is because most people, and this is one
(18:21):
thing I have got to share on your podcast.
Please, what is the most common response you'll get to the ask
quote? I have to think about it now.
When people hear that, they tank.
Yeah, they've heard. No.
What are the absolute words? I have to think about it.
OK. And I've made this mistake a
gazillion times. I'll tell you why.
(18:44):
I was asking an individual for alot of money, a lot of money.
He turned to me and said, OK, Laura, I have to think about it.
I jumped in and said I know it'sa large amount and he cut me off
like this and said I never said that.
What did I do? I assumed it was the amount.
So what it was, was how he was going to do it and when he could
(19:07):
do. It exactly.
Why did I learn? So then I said, what is missing
here? What can I do?
It's the IT. I have to think about it.
So focus. How do you get to the IT that's
in your head? We ask.
He said to him, use his first name, get his attention.
(19:27):
Thank you for considering it. It would be so helpful to me if
I could understand what you're thinking about.
I'm here to help you. Can you share that?
He said of course, he said I don't know how I'm going to do
it this way, this way, investments, whatever, And if I
can do it in December or by the end of March.
And I learned when you here haveto think about it, no
(19:50):
assumptions get to it right. Can you share with me?
Do you feel comfortable? I'm here to help you.
I would say they ask us like a group hug.
Bring them back in. I'm here to help you.
What is it? Let's work it out and stop
talking because your mind goes off into time amount.
It should have been somebody else.
They did. They're coming off summer
(20:11):
vacation. They've said nothing and you're
filling it in. Filling in.
So that's what I mean by over asking the ask.
Let's like refine it with two sentences and a question.
That is such an excellent point and really great how you broke
that down. And it's funny, you reminded me
of year years ago when I moved to the city.
I was 24 and I was selling cars at the same Yes, at the same
(20:35):
time I was trying to break in. I had an entertainment company
and I was booking comedians on the road.
But until I would get paid, you know, I had to make money, you
know, and make it all work, makesure my rent was.
So, yeah, I hustled. I did pretty much every job on
the planet. But when I would first sell
cars, I, I, I got up, I, I didn't care what anybody looked
(20:56):
like. I feared everybody if they
walked in. They used to joke and say Dianes
desk is like the United Nations because I just, I just met with
everybody. But I was blowing the clothes
because I couldn't ask. And I used to take my pen and
drop it on the ground. And when my head was down, I
would say, so would you like to buy the car?
And then I would come back up and half the time they would
(21:18):
say, what did you say? And you're like, no, I got it
out. All good.
I'm like, how many more times doI have to drop my pencil before
it? Tell me why You were younger,
obviously, but what was coming up for you?
Why did you not look them in theeye?
I'm going to tell you why. For me at the time, because I
thought about it so many times, it was my lack of understanding
(21:39):
of money and the free flow of money and what I tell our kids,
what I tell kids I mentor, what I tell interns, what I tell
employees, what I tell everybodyis there's no limit on the
amount of money you can get. There's no limit on the money
someone else can get. And when you see money as a
finite thing, you start to put caps on, in my opinion, your
(22:04):
ask. And when I was 24 years old, I
didn't have the $20,000 in the bank at that moment to ask for
someone for it. So it was beyond my realm of
comprehension. But once I started to say, you
know what, if I get more money, it doesn't mean you get less.
(22:25):
And people don't understand that.
They get jealous. They, I mean, frankly, I see
Elon Musk, I'm like you go rock star.
You just inspired me to try to work harder.
And I don't care who he has children with.
I don't care what he's doing with this free time.
I don't care if he does drugs. I don't care.
I'm looking at a modern day Da Vinci saying this guy is
(22:47):
inspiring me. He's inspiring me to be my best,
and I look at everyone that way.I look at you that way.
Every author I interview work. And by the way, I am talking
with Laura Fredericks and we aretalking about hard asks made
easy because this is such an important topic.
It is, it is, you know, it's thank you for sharing that
story. In addition to that, most people
(23:09):
went to us with money and that'show this all began.
The ask for money is that they put themselves in the shoes of
the other person and say I don'thave $20,000, they couldn't
possibly have 20,000. And there it goes.
It gets deep sext. That's number one.
Number two is I used to walk into these seminars and people
like, oh, Laura's coming hold onto your wallets as if I'm
they're taking all their money. It was hysterical, right?
(23:32):
And I'd be like, no, no, no, no,no.
I'm giving you the gift, the gift of opportunity.
So when you ask for money, you're giving, you're not
taking. They can say yes, they can say
no, you're giving an opportunity, okay?
You're not asking someone deplete your bank account, give
it to me and live poor the rest of your life.
But all these things and these images are going off when people
said they could simply say no. Yep.
(23:54):
We're not at this time or whatever.
And The thing is, if you don't know the person has the money,
but you do feel like they do, simply say, I have no idea.
But what I do know is if you do this, it will open doors.
Tell them what it's going to do.Because at that moment in time,
in any moment of time, do you really know Elon Musk has that
amount of money? It's what goes up and it goes
(24:15):
down. Shareholders go here it goes
that investment. You don't know.
So just say, I have no idea. But what I do know, that's my
gazillion dollar ask I did before.
And he, like he said, why'd you pick me?
I said, because everyone looks up to you.
And if you do it, I've got 10 more people who will do it too.
But they want you to be first and I need you to be first.
(24:36):
He's like, OK, fine. I'm like, I'm sweating to death.
And it's like, OK, fine, you know, But that taught me why me?
Big part of asking is why me? Because people feel like, oh,
you do this and I'll just go to Penn Station and there's five
more people holding up a door, not looking rain soaked or
whatever. And I will ask them, right?
But that's what they feel like. It's not important.
Yes, it is. It's you.
(24:58):
You. I want you to do this.
The hard part about this is personal relationships.
So in addition, while I was writing the book, people were
calling me saying I've lived this person a long time and they
do nothing around the house. And I'm like, well, did you ask
them? Don't ask them to do more.
(25:18):
What does that mean? Don't ask them to spend more
time. What does that mean?
And that's how I got into the five laws of asking #1 know
exactly what you want with numbers and dates.
I need you to do the laundry every Wednesday.
Is that OK with you? Right.
That's a lot better than come on, let's get the laundry done.
I mean, where does that go? It goes nowhere.
(25:38):
But personal relationships are very tough when you have to ask.
You know, you raised such an interesting point because like
you, I talked with a lot of CE OS executives that are, you
know, struggling with either a negotiation or a presentation
they're going to make to their board and they're just looking
(25:59):
for a thought partner, a sounding board.
That's where, you know, I'll work on the perceptions that,
you know, where are they coming from?
You know, who who are the different stakeholders or
shareholders and I'll break it down that way.
And what might each of them think about this ultimate
decision or outcome? But one of the things that
always amazes me is that resistance to ask and the number
(26:29):
of people that end up getting divorced because they're but
they think they're great negotiators.
I'm like, no, no, no. Because you tied relationships
and business together in your book.
And there is a very interesting tie between relationships and
(26:51):
you know, the end of relationships.
And we've all had those. I've had those, you know, we've
had relationships work. We've had them not work.
It happens, but that learning toask is so essential to
navigating a relationship. And you can think you're the
greatest negotiator in the boardroom, but if you can't
manage to negotiate at home, then it's all going to it's not
(27:11):
working. Exactly, which is why I try to
make this easy. It's one ask for everything.
Yeah, it's not when I ask. One ask for everything.
It used to be, oh, I'm asking for money.
I need to look and sound and askthis way.
Oh, I'm in the boardroom and I need my shareholders who agree
with me and pass this strategic plan.
That's another way I go home andmy kids in the house is a mess.
I I'll do and it you turn 345 different personalities.
(27:35):
I say there's only one way to dothis two sentences in a
question, but be very specific. Know exactly what you want,
numbers and dates prepare. Preparation is huge and people
don't do this, but I've showed them, right As an author, I love
this the old fashioned way, right. 15 things you think those
shareholders are going to say write it down, not here.
Write it and then go back. What will you say to each
(27:57):
because more people say yes to the ask because you looked and
sounded confident. Period.
Yeah, this gets you there because #3 is show up, be
confident. It's time to shine.
And people leave that piece out.They've got all the facts, all
the figures, all the stuff. They sound so neutral on and on
(28:18):
and on. I know what you're going to say.
I can answer you. And then they don't show up.
They don't ask it eye to eye. This is important to me.
I chose you. This is really what I want.
Let's make it happen, OK? The rest is work out, whatever
it is, and then plan your next move right here.
And I learned that the hard way.But like Diane, this is great.
You're going to think about it. I'll get back to you in a week.
(28:39):
It turns out to be 3 months for me to get you.
And now we have to restart the ask all over again.
I'm perceiving another interesting point here because
you kind of addressed ego on both parties.
You know there's the ego of the asker and the asked right, for
lack of better words for this. Yep.
But you know the ego of the asker.
(29:01):
Is. Feeling insecure for whatever
reason possibly which is presented preventing them from
asking. Yet if they presented with a
you're the one, the ego of the asked instantly feels good.
Wow, this person came to me. So it's a total switch it.
(29:21):
Is you've done your homework, you've singled me.
What person doesn't want to be singled out?
Listen, even if you can't do it,that is the most important piece
because they feel like you're going to turn around and ask 5
people over here and it this never mattered and you wasted my
time. Oh, that's the worst reaction is
like you, you're totally wastingyour time.
If you get that say I'm sorry tohear that.
(29:41):
I'm here to learn. Why am I and don't assume
assumptions. Kill and ask.
Well, because I told you and youdidn't listen.
Fair enough. I say own it, that's on me.
Won't happen again. Let's take a breather.
May I start over? Exactly.
You can always salvage somethingthat feels like a lead door on
(30:01):
you. That said, no, you can always
salvage it. You reminded me of another
thing. Tell me one of one of my
favorite books was Richard Branson's Losing My Virginity.
And in it he talked about he wastrying to get John Lennon to be
he. He's like 20 years old, maybe
even a little younger, and he had a magazine and he's trying
(30:23):
to get it off the ground. He's got this record store, but
he wants this magazine to get off the ground and he knows to
get it off the ground to keep anyone investing in it, to keep
his advertisers. He's, he's promised them all
John Lennon. And John Lennon's ignoring him,
you know, and he's like, no, TheBeatles have just broken up.
He's with Yoko Ono, you know, nothing's happening.
So finally, you know, he kind ofthat Shawshank Redemption thing
(30:46):
bothered John Lennon so many times that John Lennon finally
said, OK, I'm going to be near your record store On this date.
I'll stop in for three minutes. And that's it.
I'm going to listen and I'm leaving.
So right before he walks in, Richard Branson said to the girl
who was at the front counter doing the checkout in this
little tiny store behind the curtain where they're going to
go meet, says, listen, exactly 60 seconds into the me walking
(31:10):
in with John Lennon, you walk inand you say, hey, Richard, no,
no excited voice. Just hey Richard Mix on the
phone. Smart.
Exactly as you said, everyone wants to be the first one who
was asked. Ultimately he tells the story.
The story proceeds that John Lennon said, wait a second, was
that Mick Jagger and Richard Branson just nodded, didn't say
(31:34):
yes, didn't say yes, just noddedand smiled.
And John Lennon said yes, I'll do.
The cover never materialized because Yoko Ono had a
miscarriage at the time. But it's a great story of, you
know, fits with the fake it tillyou make it, which might have
been the chapter that was in. But still in all, you wanted to
(31:55):
be the first. No, I don't want to go after
Mick. I want to be the first.
I exactly Lennon, right, Right. But everyone has that in them.
Everyone. I admit it, when somebody makes
me first, I feel like a rock star.
That's something I'll never be. We established I would need
earphones if I was in the Hammerstein or the Grant.
Absolutely. You know, this comes a lot when
(32:16):
people want people to be on their boards because if you have
a good board, you're going to go, you know, business wise,
nonprofits. And I'm like, what?
It's the same ask, tell them youhave this.
No one says you have the skill sets that we need.
We're lacking it. This would be amazing.
If you come on the board, we're like, well, we have this board
and there's 23 people. I said no, no, no, no.
(32:37):
I mean, what are you going to do?
You going to be one of the people sitting at a desk and
they're going to say no and no, I don't have the time.
I said I will guarantee you do that kind of ask.
You will hear this back. No, I don't have the time.
And what are they saying to you?It's not important if I sit
there. Yeah.
What, what can ioffer you? You've already got these brain
trust left and right, you know, but asking for good board
members, which is why I do a board training a month, a month,
(33:00):
because it's, and I'm liking it because you need to elevate each
of these people and have them showcased and, and, and
cultivate them because that's the only way they're going to
give their skill set to you and their money period.
But you got to work it. You really have to work it.
You have to treasure each personindividually.
You can't just say the board youhave to do individually.
(33:22):
And everyone likes to be have a little Halo around them.
Yes. Right.
You're special, you're important.
Your contribution matters. That's an excellent point and
it's so part, a big part of the ask as you're, as you're
pointing out, is that willingness to do your research
about some of this, which is so easy today with and just Google
(33:45):
someone won't. Do no just get the latest
article on them or what did theydo?
And the whole thing that can tielife together is interest and
hobbies. What are they interested in and
what aren't they? And usually has something to do
with sports or something. And this isn't a male female
thing. OK, cuz come on.
Look at look at the WNBA. All right, You know, Yeah, you
know the LPGA. So just get their interests or
(34:07):
are they in book clubs? Do they like to walk?
Do they are they on a board? I mean, if you get their
interest that says, you know me,you've done a little bit of
work, you know me now, what do you want?
And not only that, from finding out someone's interests, you can
figure out how to do a give. And I'm a big believer in the
given the ask What do you think?What?
Do you mean the given the ask? Tell me.
(34:28):
Well, I think there's a lot of ways you can find it.
For someone who is struggling with an ask, they can figure out
how to give someone something. The other night someone I
noticed on my LinkedIn, someone I would love to meet.
OK. Stopped by my page and I was
(34:49):
like, wow, how do I give to get that meeting I want with this
person? OK, so I said I have your book.
I'm beyond impressed with your career.
I would love to interview or you're you on my podcast and
then I'd love to explore some possibilities about working
(35:10):
together. Nice.
So it was giving right and asking right, but it probably as
you would say, it was acknowledging giving.
Yes, and asking, yes, that works.
You know, for some people that works.
But what I want to say, Big Brother, you don't always have
to give something when you ask something, OK, It does.
(35:32):
When in personal and business relationships, it helps, right,
Because who is going to turn around and acknowledge us unless
they really know, oh, I might get something out of it, which
is which is true. Like that's where the word
networking, we need another wordfor that, but that's fine.
Yes, then we really do. But you know, what I want to
emphasize is you don't always have to give something.
If you feel you deserve this person can give it to you or can
(35:56):
give it to your cause or can give it to whatever you're
asking. That has to come first.
And then if you can see what I call like a partnership and what
you do as a partnership, I feel this might be beneficial for
you. And I feel this might be
beneficial for me. And let them weed you in or out.
So I'm all for it. I'm all for it.
Now another thing that I, I'm sure you see it as a
(36:20):
professional who is an expert atgoing for the ask.
I have no doubt during COVID or other times, friends, people you
do business with say Laura, I just have a quick question for
you. Oh gosh, I just got this
yesterday. Yesterday.
(36:40):
OK. So so how do you say the hard?
No, exactly, because getting to hard nose is very important and
it is very difficult when you are a professional who's loaded
with information. Everyone who knows you knows
you're loaded with information, so they think, oh, it's just.
(37:03):
And your time and this and then they don't pay you for it and Oh
no, no, I guess so. It's the hard no.
It's funny. When I was on the book tour,
there was a gentleman and I knowhe was sitting in the front row
and you know, the kind that sit like this.
And I'm like, well, he's not having this.
I'm not sure. And he says, all right, I'm
listening to everything you say.It's all good.
But I've got kids and they don'tlisten to no.
(37:24):
And I say no. So what are you going to do
about it? And I'm like, I'm going to write
about this is what I better do about it, right.
But you have to say no when meanno.
And when I say that for most parents out there, you have to
look like no, say no, you don't look like no like you were doing
with the car. This is going to be a no, right?
So you mean when I say no, I mean no, and this is it.
(37:45):
And walk away. But have consequences to it.
I see a lot of times people don't follow up with the
concept. No means no.
You're not getting this out of me.
I had this yesterday. Someone keep calling, calling,
but I only no, no, no. But I only means you want
something. And if you do, here it is.
I get a monthly retainer, we'll do a contract.
It's a minimum of a year. Are you willing to go forward
(38:06):
this. Not at this time.
Fine. Call me when you are.
Yeah. But you really that's
preparation. You've got to be.
We just keep saying no, I know it is.
We'll give you this because there are a lot of people out
there that their hearts in the right place and you feel
sympathetic. And so I do it once or twice
because I feel like giving back is very important.
I do a lot of times things clients pro bono because it's
(38:27):
worth it. But then I have to cut it off.
Yeah, because I say to them, youwalk into your office and you
get paid, right? You're calling me, but I'm not
getting paid. So there's a difference and we
have to stop here what I say. And that is always that tricky.
Fine line it is. You don't want to hurt someone,
you don't want to insult someone, but they are taking up
your time. But the thing that that that
(38:49):
crosses it for me, Diane's when they don't listen.
Oh, I have said this so many times.
You're not listening. And I told them, I'm sorry, this
conversation ends now. And this is a no.
And they're like, yeah, but I only you said no, no, no, no.
It's just like you had to put a box around it.
So I understand that the hard no, which is interesting because
(39:12):
I'm working on my next book. The hard now close, close.
Hard answers made easy. What to do and say when you've
been asked. I had so many CEO's come up to
me and I love them all. And they're just like, look, I
get asked a lot and I'm appreciative that they asked me,
(39:35):
but I just don't know how to respond in that gracious way.
Means I acknowledge you, but I can't, right?
Right. So I'm like, whoa, when there's
a problem, Laura's going to solve it and write a book.
So that's the next one. And it is more difficult than
you think. This is hard.
But answering someone and not burning that relationship or not
looking and and and again, Diane, this is how you look when
(39:58):
you say it. People ignore that piece.
And I know so much written aboutbody language and I love it.
But did you deliver the hard? No.
Was it now? Yeah, I.
And there you are. There's your eyes.
And then you just keep it going.You leave the door open instead
of shutting. And then your tone is your
superpower. How you deliver that?
(40:18):
No. Is 99% of it being heard?
Yeah, it's your tone. So you got to watch your tone.
I saw this hilarious meme yeah from David Coverdale.
I'm giving you a shout out Davidfrom Whitesnake and he really
has a hilarious X feed. Hilarious and 1 was a picture of
(40:42):
a woman and a man in a car and there's a bubble over the
woman's head right and she said she's looking up and it says The
moment I realized he was right 99% of the time I just didn't
like his tone of voice. There you go, There you go.
It's the tone. I mean, it just sends people.
I tell people, take your phone out and record it.
I didn't. It was awful.
(41:03):
I think I said absolutely 17 times in two sentences.
I'm like, this has got to end, so just just watch your tone.
Yeah, and it was funny too on tone of voice.
I interviewed through this podcast and thanks to Peter Ross
created the introduction LON Ballinger, who along with his
brothers created Webster Hall, which was the biggest nightclub
(41:26):
for 30 years in. New York.
I mean, where we all wanted to go.
And LON, when I said to him, like you dealt with everything,
Aryans, the Hell's Angels, the this group, the, you know, the
Dragons, I mean, you name it, hehad to deal with it at some
point or another. And he said, well, I found it
really got down to tone of voice.
(41:47):
Serious for for each constituency needs a different
tone of voice. Absolutely.
You know, and it wasn't so much what we said.
Could we have to say the same message?
You know, you have to leave. But how we said it, how we
approached it with our tone of voice, he goes.
And every time I had a trouble with one of my employees and
they had, you know, something escalated, I'd say, well, how
(42:09):
did you say that? Right.
Yeah, Yeah. And how did you look?
You know, I've been watching a lot of parents lately and I just
like they, they, they're good. Kind of watching a lot of the.
Kids watching parents lately, but when they say it and walk
away or say it in fold clothes or say it when and it's lost, I
mean you just have to stand there and say no and and
(42:30):
there'll be consequences if you don't do this period or stop
doing this. I'm a big believer in that when
when our kids were little, I remember our son was in a
stroller and our daughter was probably four or something.
And she remembers this to this day.
I had gotten these like, vitaminlollipops, thinking maybe
(42:50):
they'll be healthy. I'll let them have a vitamin
lollipop. Yeah.
And. And she wanted like, another
one. And I'm like, no, you had the
one. And she kept nagging and
nagging. And I'm like, if your brother
wakes up, this whole bag of lollipops is going in that
garbage can next thing, whether it was timing or not.
But she didn't stop. I took that bag of lollipops and
(43:14):
dropped it in the garbage can because her brother woke up
screaming because his nap wasn'tlong enough.
Whatever. It was just a moment for a mom
lesson, whether it was appropriate or not.
But you learned. Oh my gosh, let's say for the
next several years it was 1. Alone.
You better. You better take.
You better. Listen to mom when she says no.
(43:34):
I remember the lollipops. I remember what she did with the
lollipops. And kids are very, very
perceptive. Very perceptive.
Yeah, and they sure are. And and the and the saying no
and the ability to say no definitively and walk away.
(43:54):
Yeah. So let's talk about when you get
the know, what do you do with it, right?
Do you do with it, Laura? We're going to ask you that
question. This is I've, I've spent some
time on this. No, now is never.
No, never. So you can't look like you've
just been rejected, which is thefirst time.
And it's hard. It takes practice.
I get it. It's a learning experience.
(44:17):
You've got to find out why they said no because again,
assumptions come flooding in. So say, you know, I appreciate
it and I appreciate your time. It would really help me if I
could understand why you're not able to do it.
Here's the thing at this time, because they didn't say no,
never slam the door, never want to see you, but that goes off in
(44:39):
your head. Learn from it.
What is it? It's like, well, I just got
flooded with five other requests.
I can't do this now we know, right?
OK, it's September and I do all these decisions in March.
Now we know it's the timing. You can find out why and revisit
it, but don't walk away and justsay thank you and think about
the next person you're going to ask.
So remember, get to the bottom of the why behind the no.
(45:04):
You know, that is such an excellent, excellent point.
A good friend of. It hurts.
It's hard because you've been rejected.
Clear curler out. You didn't get what you wanted
and it feels like your daughter who didn't get the second
lollipop. OK.
And you look like your daughter who didn't get the second
lollipop and that's how you feel.
But you, you tank and go away. But don't go away.
Stand there and find out why. A good friend of mine, Peter
(45:25):
Cash, wrote a book years ago called Make Your Own Luck and I.
Like the title? Yeah, he he did extremely well.
Met him many years ago and one of his stories in his book or
story that he would tell him when he would lecture was I love
it when I hear someone say now he goes, I know I'm with a
(45:46):
decision maker. He goes and I would say that to
them. He said I would flip it around
and say no, You just said no. I love that you're a decision
maker. Now I would like you to tell me
what it would take to get you toyes.
And this is the guy who closed, I'm sure probably upwards to a
billion or more in biotech deals.
(46:09):
And I'm like, wow, Peter, that is such a good way to turn it
around. Absolutely.
You know, he he didn't take it personally.
I always say to him, I say you wear the ultimate Teflon suit
I've ever seen, you know, or notseen, but you have it on.
So now you know you managed. To just what I love about that
is the decision maker yes, because so many people hesitate
(46:29):
asking and they're. Not decision makers.
Because they feel like they can't get to the decision maker,
and they're guessing who the decision maker is.
And then months go by. OK.
But I love that. It's like, wow, I got it right.
Congratulations. Right.
I got the right person. Now let's roll.
Yeah. It's brilliant.
So you're a decision maker. You know, what can you do to get
(46:50):
me to, you know, what can I do to get you to Yes.
And that person then may say, well, I'm not the decision, you
know, I'm not the person you should be asking you.
Should be asking. Joe or Sarah or I can't do it
now. Or I think your presentation was
weak. Yeah, or I'm not the guy, you
know, whatever it is. But you start to get those
(47:12):
answers so you can get to yes. I tell people just all the time,
I, I, I am addicted to Shark Tank.
I keep watching every single series because I learned
something. And it's either they didn't
prepare, they didn't know which shark they wanted, or it's, it's
do they need 2? Do they need one?
I mean, I'm just fascinated, fascinated by this dynamic
(47:34):
because in every episode you'll learn something.
In fact, I even wrote to them saying I want to help people do
the pitch before they come to you.
But I really, I would love to dothis, but it's it's just
fascinating because you see different personalities,
different types, different tones, different unprepared
prepared. The one woman got on and she
said like, you know, he said, well, what are your sales?
And she said 5 million. And Richard Branson was on and
(47:57):
he thought it was great. But Mark Cuban thought, don't
come here. We want entrepreneurs and these
two are going at it. And I'm like, you got to know
the personality Richard Branson would embrace if the person said
10 million investment. I want your two million to let.
And Mark Cuban's like, we only help like emerging
entrepreneurs. And I just I sat there and I
learned, ah, know your audience.Yeah, know your audience.
(48:21):
That's an essential rule. Know your audience.
Rule and their values. Yeah.
I mean, that's that's. You might get one shot at this,
so little preparation will get you through.
And there are different audiences for every different
kind of things. It's like when I do, you know,
crisis management for someone ora company usually, and I'll say,
(48:41):
well, wait a second, your partners are going to see this
differently than your employees,than your neighbors in your own
backyard. If it impacted them or your
board members or your shareholders.
No, everyone has a different perspective on the exact same
situation. You know, we see it all day long
(49:02):
when, you know, a police officerhas to get witnesses on a crime
and one person says they were definitely blind and someone
else says no, they were a brunette with dark.
Skin I know, I know it's just it's it's crazy, it's crazy.
I just, you know, just thinking about the different
personalities that will be before I get asked a lot and you
(49:24):
probably could guess this how toask for raise or promotion or
just something internally, right?
It's the biggest one. I mean, it's a good write one
whole book on it. But I want to get back to your
comment on the decision maker inasking for a raise.
And I've managed a lot of peopleat Pace University, Temple
University, I never had one person asked the right way for a
raise. They'd come in and #1 asked for
(49:45):
a percentage. And I said, do you honestly
think I know that a numerical amount that you're that you make
like that? So I don't know what that is.
So what's the number? OK, that's number one.
Number two is no one ever asked me, am I the decision maker?
Because it has to be me plus HR plus the board with the budget.
So even going in saying I want to ask for a raise, but before I
do, how many people make this decision and who do I need to go
(50:09):
in priority order? That is such a huge lesson
because years ago when I worked in entertainment, back when I
was 24 to 27 kind of years, and I was doing these corporate
sponsorships, I wanted to get the Milk Association to sponsor
a singer named Henry Lee Summer.I went around to 12 different
(50:29):
regions for the Milk Association, going through cash
I didn't have at the time, trying to get to the yes, but I
didn't know that the executive director had the authority to
overrule. Wow.
Yeah, talk about a lesson hard learned.
Find out who is the decision maker decision.
Or in priority order, because that nine times out of 10, the
(50:52):
boss is the last person to decide.
Did you go through HR? Is it in the budget cycle?
Is the funds in the cycle? And then then you go here.
So anyway, and when it wants a raise or promotion, just follow
those little tips. Oh my gosh, as always, Laura
Frederick, these go too fast, are they?
We all are already. It's hard to believe we are
done. I want to thank you so much.
(51:13):
Thank you. It's really my pleasure.
Thank you for spotlighting it. It's such an important aspect of
everyone's life that the more wecan get it out, the better we
will feel. So if it helps just one person
out there, I'm happy. I want to thank Laura
Fredericks, who was my guest. She is the author of Hard Asks
Made Easy. I'm going to tell you I learned
(51:33):
a lot during this podcast and anyone will learn a lot from
this book. I don't care if it's your 18
year old thinking about what college or high school or 18
college to go to, or should theyget involved in some other kind
of career or job, or if it's an executive that is making a
decision. If it's an individual that's
(51:56):
looking at something personal that they need some help on,
this book has tons of insight init on making those hard asks
easier. Thank you very much you.
Too. My pleasure.
This has been the Silver Disbedience Perception Dynamics
podcast. I'm Diane Griseld.
They're going to be all kinds oflinks below to Laura so you can
(52:17):
get her book, follow what she's doing, check into her website
and learn more because I highly recommend you do because I only
have good guests on this podcastthat are great experts at their
chosen pathway. Thanks for joining me.
We're in Manhattan center. I have to give that the right
mojo wave all the time. Thank you, Laura.
(52:39):
Thank you too.
Hi, have you one ever wondered why is it so hard to ask for
what we want? What causes us to be resistant
to just saying could you please or I wish I could have or would
you do this for me? Would you help me?
(00:21):
Why is it so hard for us to do this?
Well, we're going to find out today.
My guest is Laura Fredericks. She is the author of Hard Asks
Make Made Easy. It's on the top of the Amazon
bestseller list, bestseller listbecause she's got tremendously
(00:42):
great information in here in these pages.
So please say hi to Laura Fredericks.
Hello everyone. Thank you.
Thank you, Diane. This is great.
I've been so looking forward to this.
I We just have to start right atthe beginning.
Let's go. Why is it hard for people to ask
for what they want? Because they never really know
what they want #1 and #2 they don't feel they deserve it.
(01:05):
O2 Good points. OK, so why do you think they
don't know what they want? In their head, they think, they
think, they think, and they think themselves out of it.
Or they even ask. They're like, well, this person
really can't do it. That's really too much.
I should wait. They know what I want, so why
should I have to ask? Is there a tie somehow between
(01:28):
not wanting to ask and in your opinion, people who just take on
too much and don't know how to say no?
Part of it is that, but usually people who take on too much
blurt it out and it's not reallyan ask.
So part of this in the book too is was your ask really an ask or
was it just blurted out with theassumption people will know what
(01:51):
to do? So people who really are
overwhelmed like you just described, they really will just
blurt things out and sit back and expect it to come.
And then all the disappointment comes floating in because you
didn't give people the parameters of what you want,
when you want it, how you want it done, and why it's important
to you. The biggest piece of the ask is
no one ever expresses why it's important.
(02:11):
And I always say to people, it can be difficult.
And believe me, I know I've, I've been doing this for three
decades. I know why it's difficult
because you feel like you're putting yourself out there.
It's almost like being on the 10m diving board looking down
and it's a concrete pool with nowater, right?
That's what goes through you. But when you sit there and say
no, I really deserve this. This is exactly what I want.
(02:33):
You're the person to do it. And This is why I want you to
help me. It's all fine, but no one goes
through those little bit of steps, and that's what the
book's all about. So how does someone define that?
All right, so I have as you haveread and I put see as a lawyer
you really thank you. I am a lawyer.
Background and then lawyer. I am a lawyer, so just very
(02:53):
simply, journalism and law equalorganization structure and focus
since what I apply my whole life.
So in journalism, I started, youknow, when I was in college
asking good questions because you get the story like you do
with your podcast. You ask good questions, you get
the story, right. So that led into law and I
(03:13):
worked for the attorney general's office in Pennsylvania
doing civil litigation, having 462 cases, because any time
someone sued the state, state office, state office, Sir, six
of us across the state would represent.
Oh my gosh, what a caseload. It, it was, it was huge, but
what an experience. But I learned how to win cases
(03:34):
and it was on cross examination.And why?
Because you ask the right question at the right time.
So then I got into fundraising and that's really when this
whole thing opened up because I realized no one was asking for
money. They were taking you out,
playing golf, going to outings, nice conversation, having lunch
(03:55):
and gone. And I'm like, well, did you say
we need the money to do this? No, they'll just do the right
thing. Boom came the books and I was
like, no, we're going to place organization, structure, focus
on an area that has always been left to Luck Channel some time.
And that's how we did this. Organization.
Structure, structure and focus. Focus.
(04:16):
Let's bring. Those down.
South organization, you have to organize to optimize your chance
to get to. Yes, that means organize your
thoughts for you. Diane, what is it you want?
You wanted me to come on your podcast to discuss this so that
it will increase your viewershipand help me.
Yeah, just lay it all out. Yeah.
(04:37):
OK. That's the organization
structure. How we going to do this?
You invite me, we come here. You lay the parameters out.
Before we began all the structure, you could have just
said, let's sit down, have a nice conversation with Laura,
which is what most people do. Focus.
The most important thing. Where focus goes, success grows.
How many people do you know? We'll talk to you on their
(05:00):
phone, reading a book, looking over on, on, on.
You have lost them and you will never get to yes if you're not
laser focused. You know, it's the number one
thing I love about this podcast because I get to sit and talk to
someone with 0 interruptions. I know they're not looking at
their screen like they might be on a phone or you know, they're
(05:20):
not checking their text or even at a dinner when someone in the
middle of the conversation says,well, you know, let me just
check that on my phone. I'm like, no, no, no, we are
having a conversation right now.You can Fact Check.
You can do whatever you want. You can verify your story later.
This is our time. And you have lost it.
You've just lost it. Exactly.
(05:42):
Focus, focus. And it's easy to lose focus.
I mean, in one way, the pandemic, we never want to talk
about that, but Zoom kind of helped us because you have this
little window to look at, OK. But the people who had animals
in the background, or had their heads look like aliens or or let
their phone go off, they lost. It or presented in their
(06:04):
pajamas. Right, but it was made it a
little bit easier and it's stillgoing on.
So I say to people #1 stand up, have a mirror behind you what
Zoom did, because now we can seewhat we look like.
And you're like, Oh my gosh, I had no idea, you know, So it did
help us. But carry that through because
it's a window and a mirror into how you look, sound.
(06:26):
And are you really, really concentrating on the person in
front of you? That that's really good advice.
Whenever somebody says I, you know, I need to get a new
headshot. Or when, you know, we're working
with someone and it's like, waita second, you're getting booked
in the Wall Street Journal and you seriously sent a passport
picture to us. You know, you need a picture.
(06:47):
Stand in front of a mirror, Get comfortable, you know, because
again, it's it's a form of focusto get used to looking at
yourself. Exactly right, Exactly right.
So let's let's break it down more because I really you talked
about deserving whether somebodyfeels they deserve.
(07:11):
How does someone overcome that in your opinion?
I become their therapist. I I'm sure you do, having been a
therapist. There you go. 30 something
years, you really do. You do because you listen and
just ask good questions like what do you feel is getting in
the way? What's really at the bottom of
(07:32):
this that you can't step forwardand do this and you know, no
judgement, just just whatever itis, I'm here to listen.
And I'll probably agree with youand maybe show you how we can
take that step further. And I learned a lot.
You know, I've made a lot of mistakes, you know, figuring
this out and on, on having everyone know you've got to go
from one to 100. And I realize not everyone can
(07:54):
do this, which is why I wrote it.
Let's start easy. This is why the 1st chapter,
I've never written about myself.The 1st chapter is pretty deep
and it's about me. And so I felt like if I can show
you, you've always asked as a child, I'm bringing it out.
I'm not putting something in. Then we're on the same playing
(08:15):
field. We're all there.
We all have these fears, we all have these hesitations.
We all feel like we're going to be judged when we ask for
something that looks like we can't do it.
And the hardest ask you'll ever make in life is for help.
That is the most request I get all the time.
And I said, yes, it's hard because you're judged.
(08:36):
I should be doing this. I can multitask.
I should know this. I don't have to.
But you know what? When you're asked for help, just
how good do you feel when you'vegiven help?
Yes. And I say to people, you're
actually giving them a gift whenyou ask for help because you
make their day. You and I were just talking
about this. When I go out and I'm coming to
see you at Penn Station and I see a million people on their
(08:58):
phones. I know they're tourists.
God bless you. Thank you to come to New York
City and I'm standing as far away from here and one of my all
A5 foot two, I'm so intimidating.
I say, may I help you? No, no, no, I'm OK.
Well, it appears you need a street.
I can guide you and get you there quicker, right?
And they're like, Oh well, and Ifeel wonderful.
So I share that with them sayingwhen you ask someone for help,
(09:20):
you're really making their day and and you're speeding up the
time and you're getting where you need to go.
So it's a win win. You're not taking something
away. It's a win, win.
Well, you know, it's funny. You reminded me of a very funny
moment because I think people not only have a hard time asking
for help, people have a hard time accepting help.
(09:43):
It's a two way St. And what makes me think that is
it was a rainy day and I was dropping some.
I had to drop something off to someone who was about to take
the New Jersey Transit from PennStation, right?
And as I'm walking there, it wasa hot summer, August last year,
and it started to rain. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I am now
(10:03):
drenched. I had not bought my umbrella.
But I'm trying to protect what Ihave to pass this person.
And I'm standing and I see all these people rushing to try to
get into the train, make it on time.
Of course, they've been delayed because of the rain.
And so I start opening the door for people.
But here my mascara is running down my face, my hair.
(10:23):
I look like a washed rat on the street.
There were the people that said hello.
There were the people that smiled.
There were the people that looked at me and went to another
door. Even though.
I didn't open it like is she going to ask for money?
So it's why I share that story is I had I wrote a great blog
(10:43):
about the next day, but it really made me think about
people don't just have a hard time asking.
They have a hard time accepting accepting.
It's absolutely right, absolutely right.
Why? What?
What is your assessment on that?Deserving again, do you deserve
to help someone? Do you deserve when it comes
back, it's all like yourself worth.
(11:05):
It all comes down to yourself worth.
And so we have to start there and say, let's start easy.
Let's start a couple things thatyou can give someone and a
couple things that you want to ask someone.
Because if you don't, you're notliving your best life.
And we may only have one shot ofthis and we don't know, but why
would you go around? And the worst thing, Diane, is
that people build up resentments, yes, and it festers
(11:28):
and then it takes a toll on yourbody and your face and you start
aging and then you take it out on other people.
So this is just not a small little thing that goes away.
It mushrooms. And that's why my task in life
is to say, let's get to it. Let's do it the right way so you
feel comfortable, the other person feels comfortable, and
you both go on happy. You raised such an excellent
(11:50):
point, which is oh geez, I'm having a I'm having a brain
glitch, but she raised so many good points there.
No, but what it was was in the ask.
When someone is totally uncomfortable with asking and
that resentment builds up and they just won't go there.
(12:11):
They're almost in their mind saying they're going to say no
anyway, so why should I even bother?
And. Yes, you've talked yourself out
of it. You've.
Taught so many people talk themselves out of something
before even just risking it. So let's talk about something
that has helped people and it's it's, it's, it's going to really
be mind blowing right here. I always like to write a book
(12:34):
every three years or the pandemic came and of course
everybody is whatever. And I'm like, I can't do
anything ever. People called me, you're going
to love this. You're the ask expert.
I mean, really snarky, right? It's OK.
How do I ask my husband to leave?
How do I tell my kids time to get out of the out of the house?
(12:57):
How did my tell my boss to go? And it was comic Diane.
It was like this and it and it dawned on me.
And this is one of the things I feel like I, I enjoy doing the
most is listening and moving forward.
And so I listened to all that. And I said, what people are
telling me is they know exactly what they want and what they
(13:18):
don't want. And this is the moment I wanted.
OK, because they did. The pandemic made it really
clear about what you wanted and what you didn't want, which was
excellent. Not that that should have
happened, caused it to be at that point, but it did.
And that's how this book came out.
I knew the title right away and I said I got to get going on
this. And that's why it has every
(13:39):
category, even spirituality and marriage and kids and
infidelity. I mean, it's got it all in there
because people had the moment. You know, I always say external
forces govern internal decisions.
The external forces was everything going on with the
pandemic and everything that wasremoved from our lives.
But it became crystal clear about what you wanted and what
(14:01):
you did not. And I said we're gonna get this
book out there because they're ready for it.
And I think the timing of the book and the people's
sensibility. So now it's pretty easier in my
conversations and my speaking engagement.
I know what I want and how do I get it?
Which is far different than should I ask for this and how do
I do it very different. You've got a good point.
(14:25):
I know what I want and how do I get it?
One of the things that I know a lot of people are one of the
reasons where they're reluctant to ask.
They think that person has everything or how can I possibly
help them? And I always think that's a very
limited way of thinking. And because there's, I mean, I
(14:48):
know people who have more money than God, and nobody brings them
a present to their home. Makes a phone call.
Hi, how are you? Makes a phone call.
It's like. I'll assume that just because
that person has achieved a levelof success.
They're untouchable. They're untouchable.
(15:09):
I'll never forget at one point afriend of mine had given me
Ruben Mark's phone number, who was the, you know, for 27 years,
chairman and CEO of Colgate Palmolive.
And they had called me to make an appointment with him and he
answered his own phone. I'm like, Oh my gosh, I was not.
(15:34):
There's the gatekeeper. It's supposed to be the
gatekeeper. And he said, and I was like
speechless at that point. And he knew why, you know, why I
was calling. And he's like, well, why were
you surprised? I answered Jerome.
He goes, you know, if you're doing things right, you have a
lot of free time on your hands. And it's kind of nice to talk to
people because no one calls me anymore.
(15:55):
Right, right. Isn't that amazing?
Just amazing, you know, to piggyback on that conversation,
I, I, I've had the opportunity to work with some wonderful
groups, which is, which is great.
And the thing I love best is they come and say I want to talk
to so and so I say, tell me everything you know about them.
Everything, every e-mail, everything, every color shirt
(16:15):
they wear, Tell me everything. I'll be able to craft the
conversation you'll have. And that's all I do.
And they walk away with gazillions of dollars because
you have now shown that you've done enough to know about them,
what they like and what they don't like.
Half of the times when we're raising money, people like,
let's have a couple meetings. No, what did he just say?
(16:37):
Don't waste my time? What is don't waste my time Mean
you'll have one shot. There'll be one meeting.
And we're going to craft this specifically and say, I've heard
what you said. I'm respectful of your time.
This might seem, you know, out of the blue or abrupt, but I'm
respectful for what you asked. And this this is what we need.
(16:57):
Can you help us? You're the one to do it.
Yeah. Boom.
That's all it is. But.
But when you pull out the conversations that they've
shared with you, you're right InSync.
And you never left off. And that's how people can do the
intro to a lot of their ass. I've heard you say.
I've listened to you. I've seen you do this.
I feel you're the right one. Can you help me?
(17:20):
Simple to end the. Let's talk about how the ass
breaks down. You over ask the ask now.
I did the very simple over ask the ask, which is why my ask
formula is 2 sentences and a question.
It's like, Diane, thank you so much.
It's been great to be a guest onthis podcast.
Sentence number one sentence #2 what do I want from you is in
(17:40):
sentence #2 and this is for the people.
I don't have confidence. I have no idea if you can do
this, but what I do know is you're the person to make this
phone call to this person so I can get the speaking engagement.
It's all loaded in there. Yeah.
Nice and simple. Do you think you can do this
(18:01):
now? Why your turn to speak in that
one sentence? You know exactly what I want.
Make an introduction to get Laura speaking engagement nice
and simple. Yeah, your turn to talk and I
sit back. Simple and direct.
That's it. And then we begin.
Yeah, why I did that is because most people, and this is one
(18:21):
thing I have got to share on your podcast.
Please, what is the most common response you'll get to the ask
quote? I have to think about it now.
When people hear that, they tank.
Yeah, they've heard. No.
What are the absolute words? I have to think about it.
OK. And I've made this mistake a
gazillion times. I'll tell you why.
(18:44):
I was asking an individual for alot of money, a lot of money.
He turned to me and said, OK, Laura, I have to think about it.
I jumped in and said I know it'sa large amount and he cut me off
like this and said I never said that.
What did I do? I assumed it was the amount.
So what it was, was how he was going to do it and when he could
(19:07):
do. It exactly.
Why did I learn? So then I said, what is missing
here? What can I do?
It's the IT. I have to think about it.
So focus. How do you get to the IT that's
in your head? We ask.
He said to him, use his first name, get his attention.
(19:27):
Thank you for considering it. It would be so helpful to me if
I could understand what you're thinking about.
I'm here to help you. Can you share that?
He said of course, he said I don't know how I'm going to do
it this way, this way, investments, whatever, And if I
can do it in December or by the end of March.
And I learned when you here haveto think about it, no
(19:50):
assumptions get to it right. Can you share with me?
Do you feel comfortable? I'm here to help you.
I would say they ask us like a group hug.
Bring them back in. I'm here to help you.
What is it? Let's work it out and stop
talking because your mind goes off into time amount.
It should have been somebody else.
They did. They're coming off summer
(20:11):
vacation. They've said nothing and you're
filling it in. Filling in.
So that's what I mean by over asking the ask.
Let's like refine it with two sentences and a question.
That is such an excellent point and really great how you broke
that down. And it's funny, you reminded me
of year years ago when I moved to the city.
I was 24 and I was selling cars at the same Yes, at the same
(20:35):
time I was trying to break in. I had an entertainment company
and I was booking comedians on the road.
But until I would get paid, you know, I had to make money, you
know, and make it all work, makesure my rent was.
So, yeah, I hustled. I did pretty much every job on
the planet. But when I would first sell
cars, I, I, I got up, I, I didn't care what anybody looked
(20:56):
like. I feared everybody if they
walked in. They used to joke and say Dianes
desk is like the United Nations because I just, I just met with
everybody. But I was blowing the clothes
because I couldn't ask. And I used to take my pen and
drop it on the ground. And when my head was down, I
would say, so would you like to buy the car?
And then I would come back up and half the time they would
(21:18):
say, what did you say? And you're like, no, I got it
out. All good.
I'm like, how many more times doI have to drop my pencil before
it? Tell me why You were younger,
obviously, but what was coming up for you?
Why did you not look them in theeye?
I'm going to tell you why. For me at the time, because I
thought about it so many times, it was my lack of understanding
(21:39):
of money and the free flow of money and what I tell our kids,
what I tell kids I mentor, what I tell interns, what I tell
employees, what I tell everybodyis there's no limit on the
amount of money you can get. There's no limit on the money
someone else can get. And when you see money as a
finite thing, you start to put caps on, in my opinion, your
(22:04):
ask. And when I was 24 years old, I
didn't have the $20,000 in the bank at that moment to ask for
someone for it. So it was beyond my realm of
comprehension. But once I started to say, you
know what, if I get more money, it doesn't mean you get less.
(22:25):
And people don't understand that.
They get jealous. They, I mean, frankly, I see
Elon Musk, I'm like you go rock star.
You just inspired me to try to work harder.
And I don't care who he has children with.
I don't care what he's doing with this free time.
I don't care if he does drugs. I don't care.
I'm looking at a modern day Da Vinci saying this guy is
(22:47):
inspiring me. He's inspiring me to be my best,
and I look at everyone that way.I look at you that way.
Every author I interview work. And by the way, I am talking
with Laura Fredericks and we aretalking about hard asks made
easy because this is such an important topic.
It is, it is, you know, it's thank you for sharing that
story. In addition to that, most people
(23:09):
went to us with money and that'show this all began.
The ask for money is that they put themselves in the shoes of
the other person and say I don'thave $20,000, they couldn't
possibly have 20,000. And there it goes.
It gets deep sext. That's number one.
Number two is I used to walk into these seminars and people
like, oh, Laura's coming hold onto your wallets as if I'm
they're taking all their money. It was hysterical, right?
(23:32):
And I'd be like, no, no, no, no,no.
I'm giving you the gift, the gift of opportunity.
So when you ask for money, you're giving, you're not
taking. They can say yes, they can say
no, you're giving an opportunity, okay?
You're not asking someone deplete your bank account, give
it to me and live poor the rest of your life.
But all these things and these images are going off when people
said they could simply say no. Yep.
(23:54):
We're not at this time or whatever.
And The thing is, if you don't know the person has the money,
but you do feel like they do, simply say, I have no idea.
But what I do know is if you do this, it will open doors.
Tell them what it's going to do.Because at that moment in time,
in any moment of time, do you really know Elon Musk has that
amount of money? It's what goes up and it goes
(24:15):
down. Shareholders go here it goes
that investment. You don't know.
So just say, I have no idea. But what I do know, that's my
gazillion dollar ask I did before.
And he, like he said, why'd you pick me?
I said, because everyone looks up to you.
And if you do it, I've got 10 more people who will do it too.
But they want you to be first and I need you to be first.
(24:36):
He's like, OK, fine. I'm like, I'm sweating to death.
And it's like, OK, fine, you know, But that taught me why me?
Big part of asking is why me? Because people feel like, oh,
you do this and I'll just go to Penn Station and there's five
more people holding up a door, not looking rain soaked or
whatever. And I will ask them, right?
But that's what they feel like. It's not important.
Yes, it is. It's you.
(24:58):
You. I want you to do this.
The hard part about this is personal relationships.
So in addition, while I was writing the book, people were
calling me saying I've lived this person a long time and they
do nothing around the house. And I'm like, well, did you ask
them? Don't ask them to do more.
(25:18):
What does that mean? Don't ask them to spend more
time. What does that mean?
And that's how I got into the five laws of asking #1 know
exactly what you want with numbers and dates.
I need you to do the laundry every Wednesday.
Is that OK with you? Right.
That's a lot better than come on, let's get the laundry done.
I mean, where does that go? It goes nowhere.
(25:38):
But personal relationships are very tough when you have to ask.
You know, you raised such an interesting point because like
you, I talked with a lot of CE OS executives that are, you
know, struggling with either a negotiation or a presentation
they're going to make to their board and they're just looking
(25:59):
for a thought partner, a sounding board.
That's where, you know, I'll work on the perceptions that,
you know, where are they coming from?
You know, who who are the different stakeholders or
shareholders and I'll break it down that way.
And what might each of them think about this ultimate
decision or outcome? But one of the things that
always amazes me is that resistance to ask and the number
(26:29):
of people that end up getting divorced because they're but
they think they're great negotiators.
I'm like, no, no, no. Because you tied relationships
and business together in your book.
And there is a very interesting tie between relationships and
(26:51):
you know, the end of relationships.
And we've all had those. I've had those, you know, we've
had relationships work. We've had them not work.
It happens, but that learning toask is so essential to
navigating a relationship. And you can think you're the
greatest negotiator in the boardroom, but if you can't
manage to negotiate at home, then it's all going to it's not
(27:11):
working. Exactly, which is why I try to
make this easy. It's one ask for everything.
Yeah, it's not when I ask. One ask for everything.
It used to be, oh, I'm asking for money.
I need to look and sound and askthis way.
Oh, I'm in the boardroom and I need my shareholders who agree
with me and pass this strategic plan.
That's another way I go home andmy kids in the house is a mess.
I I'll do and it you turn 345 different personalities.
(27:35):
I say there's only one way to dothis two sentences in a
question, but be very specific. Know exactly what you want,
numbers and dates prepare. Preparation is huge and people
don't do this, but I've showed them, right As an author, I love
this the old fashioned way, right. 15 things you think those
shareholders are going to say write it down, not here.
Write it and then go back. What will you say to each
(27:57):
because more people say yes to the ask because you looked and
sounded confident. Period.
Yeah, this gets you there because #3 is show up, be
confident. It's time to shine.
And people leave that piece out.They've got all the facts, all
the figures, all the stuff. They sound so neutral on and on
(28:18):
and on. I know what you're going to say.
I can answer you. And then they don't show up.
They don't ask it eye to eye. This is important to me.
I chose you. This is really what I want.
Let's make it happen, OK? The rest is work out, whatever
it is, and then plan your next move right here.
And I learned that the hard way.But like Diane, this is great.
You're going to think about it. I'll get back to you in a week.
(28:39):
It turns out to be 3 months for me to get you.
And now we have to restart the ask all over again.
I'm perceiving another interesting point here because
you kind of addressed ego on both parties.
You know there's the ego of the asker and the asked right, for
lack of better words for this. Yep.
But you know the ego of the asker.
(29:01):
Is. Feeling insecure for whatever
reason possibly which is presented preventing them from
asking. Yet if they presented with a
you're the one, the ego of the asked instantly feels good.
Wow, this person came to me. So it's a total switch it.
(29:21):
Is you've done your homework, you've singled me.
What person doesn't want to be singled out?
Listen, even if you can't do it,that is the most important piece
because they feel like you're going to turn around and ask 5
people over here and it this never mattered and you wasted my
time. Oh, that's the worst reaction is
like you, you're totally wastingyour time.
If you get that say I'm sorry tohear that.
(29:41):
I'm here to learn. Why am I and don't assume
assumptions. Kill and ask.
Well, because I told you and youdidn't listen.
Fair enough. I say own it, that's on me.
Won't happen again. Let's take a breather.
May I start over? Exactly.
You can always salvage somethingthat feels like a lead door on
(30:01):
you. That said, no, you can always
salvage it. You reminded me of another
thing. Tell me one of one of my
favorite books was Richard Branson's Losing My Virginity.
And in it he talked about he wastrying to get John Lennon to be
he. He's like 20 years old, maybe
even a little younger, and he had a magazine and he's trying
(30:23):
to get it off the ground. He's got this record store, but
he wants this magazine to get off the ground and he knows to
get it off the ground to keep anyone investing in it, to keep
his advertisers. He's, he's promised them all
John Lennon. And John Lennon's ignoring him,
you know, and he's like, no, TheBeatles have just broken up.
He's with Yoko Ono, you know, nothing's happening.
So finally, you know, he kind ofthat Shawshank Redemption thing
(30:46):
bothered John Lennon so many times that John Lennon finally
said, OK, I'm going to be near your record store On this date.
I'll stop in for three minutes. And that's it.
I'm going to listen and I'm leaving.
So right before he walks in, Richard Branson said to the girl
who was at the front counter doing the checkout in this
little tiny store behind the curtain where they're going to
go meet, says, listen, exactly 60 seconds into the me walking
(31:10):
in with John Lennon, you walk inand you say, hey, Richard, no,
no excited voice. Just hey Richard Mix on the
phone. Smart.
Exactly as you said, everyone wants to be the first one who
was asked. Ultimately he tells the story.
The story proceeds that John Lennon said, wait a second, was
that Mick Jagger and Richard Branson just nodded, didn't say
(31:34):
yes, didn't say yes, just noddedand smiled.
And John Lennon said yes, I'll do.
The cover never materialized because Yoko Ono had a
miscarriage at the time. But it's a great story of, you
know, fits with the fake it tillyou make it, which might have
been the chapter that was in. But still in all, you wanted to
(31:55):
be the first. No, I don't want to go after
Mick. I want to be the first.
I exactly Lennon, right, Right. But everyone has that in them.
Everyone. I admit it, when somebody makes
me first, I feel like a rock star.
That's something I'll never be. We established I would need
earphones if I was in the Hammerstein or the Grant.
Absolutely. You know, this comes a lot when
(32:16):
people want people to be on their boards because if you have
a good board, you're going to go, you know, business wise,
nonprofits. And I'm like, what?
It's the same ask, tell them youhave this.
No one says you have the skill sets that we need.
We're lacking it. This would be amazing.
If you come on the board, we're like, well, we have this board
and there's 23 people. I said no, no, no, no.
(32:37):
I mean, what are you going to do?
You going to be one of the people sitting at a desk and
they're going to say no and no, I don't have the time.
I said I will guarantee you do that kind of ask.
You will hear this back. No, I don't have the time.
And what are they saying to you?It's not important if I sit
there. Yeah.
What, what can ioffer you? You've already got these brain
trust left and right, you know, but asking for good board
members, which is why I do a board training a month, a month,
(33:00):
because it's, and I'm liking it because you need to elevate each
of these people and have them showcased and, and, and
cultivate them because that's the only way they're going to
give their skill set to you and their money period.
But you got to work it. You really have to work it.
You have to treasure each personindividually.
You can't just say the board youhave to do individually.
(33:22):
And everyone likes to be have a little Halo around them.
Yes. Right.
You're special, you're important.
Your contribution matters. That's an excellent point and
it's so part, a big part of the ask as you're, as you're
pointing out, is that willingness to do your research
about some of this, which is so easy today with and just Google
(33:45):
someone won't. Do no just get the latest
article on them or what did theydo?
And the whole thing that can tielife together is interest and
hobbies. What are they interested in and
what aren't they? And usually has something to do
with sports or something. And this isn't a male female
thing. OK, cuz come on.
Look at look at the WNBA. All right, You know, Yeah, you
know the LPGA. So just get their interests or
(34:07):
are they in book clubs? Do they like to walk?
Do they are they on a board? I mean, if you get their
interest that says, you know me,you've done a little bit of
work, you know me now, what do you want?
And not only that, from finding out someone's interests, you can
figure out how to do a give. And I'm a big believer in the
given the ask What do you think?What?
Do you mean the given the ask? Tell me.
(34:28):
Well, I think there's a lot of ways you can find it.
For someone who is struggling with an ask, they can figure out
how to give someone something. The other night someone I
noticed on my LinkedIn, someone I would love to meet.
OK. Stopped by my page and I was
(34:49):
like, wow, how do I give to get that meeting I want with this
person? OK, so I said I have your book.
I'm beyond impressed with your career.
I would love to interview or you're you on my podcast and
then I'd love to explore some possibilities about working
(35:10):
together. Nice.
So it was giving right and asking right, but it probably as
you would say, it was acknowledging giving.
Yes, and asking, yes, that works.
You know, for some people that works.
But what I want to say, Big Brother, you don't always have
to give something when you ask something, OK, It does.
(35:32):
When in personal and business relationships, it helps, right,
Because who is going to turn around and acknowledge us unless
they really know, oh, I might get something out of it, which
is which is true. Like that's where the word
networking, we need another wordfor that, but that's fine.
Yes, then we really do. But you know, what I want to
emphasize is you don't always have to give something.
If you feel you deserve this person can give it to you or can
(35:56):
give it to your cause or can give it to whatever you're
asking. That has to come first.
And then if you can see what I call like a partnership and what
you do as a partnership, I feel this might be beneficial for
you. And I feel this might be
beneficial for me. And let them weed you in or out.
So I'm all for it. I'm all for it.
Now another thing that I, I'm sure you see it as a
(36:20):
professional who is an expert atgoing for the ask.
I have no doubt during COVID or other times, friends, people you
do business with say Laura, I just have a quick question for
you. Oh gosh, I just got this
yesterday. Yesterday.
(36:40):
OK. So so how do you say the hard?
No, exactly, because getting to hard nose is very important and
it is very difficult when you are a professional who's loaded
with information. Everyone who knows you knows
you're loaded with information, so they think, oh, it's just.
(37:03):
And your time and this and then they don't pay you for it and Oh
no, no, I guess so. It's the hard no.
It's funny. When I was on the book tour,
there was a gentleman and I knowhe was sitting in the front row
and you know, the kind that sit like this.
And I'm like, well, he's not having this.
I'm not sure. And he says, all right, I'm
listening to everything you say.It's all good.
But I've got kids and they don'tlisten to no.
(37:24):
And I say no. So what are you going to do
about it? And I'm like, I'm going to write
about this is what I better do about it, right.
But you have to say no when meanno.
And when I say that for most parents out there, you have to
look like no, say no, you don't look like no like you were doing
with the car. This is going to be a no, right?
So you mean when I say no, I mean no, and this is it.
(37:45):
And walk away. But have consequences to it.
I see a lot of times people don't follow up with the
concept. No means no.
You're not getting this out of me.
I had this yesterday. Someone keep calling, calling,
but I only no, no, no. But I only means you want
something. And if you do, here it is.
I get a monthly retainer, we'll do a contract.
It's a minimum of a year. Are you willing to go forward
(38:06):
this. Not at this time.
Fine. Call me when you are.
Yeah. But you really that's
preparation. You've got to be.
We just keep saying no, I know it is.
We'll give you this because there are a lot of people out
there that their hearts in the right place and you feel
sympathetic. And so I do it once or twice
because I feel like giving back is very important.
I do a lot of times things clients pro bono because it's
(38:27):
worth it. But then I have to cut it off.
Yeah, because I say to them, youwalk into your office and you
get paid, right? You're calling me, but I'm not
getting paid. So there's a difference and we
have to stop here what I say. And that is always that tricky.
Fine line it is. You don't want to hurt someone,
you don't want to insult someone, but they are taking up
your time. But the thing that that that
(38:49):
crosses it for me, Diane's when they don't listen.
Oh, I have said this so many times.
You're not listening. And I told them, I'm sorry, this
conversation ends now. And this is a no.
And they're like, yeah, but I only you said no, no, no, no.
It's just like you had to put a box around it.
So I understand that the hard no, which is interesting because
(39:12):
I'm working on my next book. The hard now close, close.
Hard answers made easy. What to do and say when you've
been asked. I had so many CEO's come up to
me and I love them all. And they're just like, look, I
get asked a lot and I'm appreciative that they asked me,
(39:35):
but I just don't know how to respond in that gracious way.
Means I acknowledge you, but I can't, right?
Right. So I'm like, whoa, when there's
a problem, Laura's going to solve it and write a book.
So that's the next one. And it is more difficult than
you think. This is hard.
But answering someone and not burning that relationship or not
looking and and and again, Diane, this is how you look when
(39:58):
you say it. People ignore that piece.
And I know so much written aboutbody language and I love it.
But did you deliver the hard? No.
Was it now? Yeah, I.
And there you are. There's your eyes.
And then you just keep it going.You leave the door open instead
of shutting. And then your tone is your
superpower. How you deliver that?
(40:18):
No. Is 99% of it being heard?
Yeah, it's your tone. So you got to watch your tone.
I saw this hilarious meme yeah from David Coverdale.
I'm giving you a shout out Davidfrom Whitesnake and he really
has a hilarious X feed. Hilarious and 1 was a picture of
(40:42):
a woman and a man in a car and there's a bubble over the
woman's head right and she said she's looking up and it says The
moment I realized he was right 99% of the time I just didn't
like his tone of voice. There you go, There you go.
It's the tone. I mean, it just sends people.
I tell people, take your phone out and record it.
I didn't. It was awful.
(41:03):
I think I said absolutely 17 times in two sentences.
I'm like, this has got to end, so just just watch your tone.
Yeah, and it was funny too on tone of voice.
I interviewed through this podcast and thanks to Peter Ross
created the introduction LON Ballinger, who along with his
brothers created Webster Hall, which was the biggest nightclub
(41:26):
for 30 years in. New York.
I mean, where we all wanted to go.
And LON, when I said to him, like you dealt with everything,
Aryans, the Hell's Angels, the this group, the, you know, the
Dragons, I mean, you name it, hehad to deal with it at some
point or another. And he said, well, I found it
really got down to tone of voice.
(41:47):
Serious for for each constituency needs a different
tone of voice. Absolutely.
You know, and it wasn't so much what we said.
Could we have to say the same message?
You know, you have to leave. But how we said it, how we
approached it with our tone of voice, he goes.
And every time I had a trouble with one of my employees and
they had, you know, something escalated, I'd say, well, how
(42:09):
did you say that? Right.
Yeah, Yeah. And how did you look?
You know, I've been watching a lot of parents lately and I just
like they, they, they're good. Kind of watching a lot of the.
Kids watching parents lately, but when they say it and walk
away or say it in fold clothes or say it when and it's lost, I
mean you just have to stand there and say no and and
(42:30):
there'll be consequences if you don't do this period or stop
doing this. I'm a big believer in that when
when our kids were little, I remember our son was in a
stroller and our daughter was probably four or something.
And she remembers this to this day.
I had gotten these like, vitaminlollipops, thinking maybe
(42:50):
they'll be healthy. I'll let them have a vitamin
lollipop. Yeah.
And. And she wanted like, another
one. And I'm like, no, you had the
one. And she kept nagging and
nagging. And I'm like, if your brother
wakes up, this whole bag of lollipops is going in that
garbage can next thing, whether it was timing or not.
But she didn't stop. I took that bag of lollipops and
(43:14):
dropped it in the garbage can because her brother woke up
screaming because his nap wasn'tlong enough.
Whatever. It was just a moment for a mom
lesson, whether it was appropriate or not.
But you learned. Oh my gosh, let's say for the
next several years it was 1. Alone.
You better. You better take.
You better. Listen to mom when she says no.
(43:34):
I remember the lollipops. I remember what she did with the
lollipops. And kids are very, very
perceptive. Very perceptive.
Yeah, and they sure are. And and the and the saying no
and the ability to say no definitively and walk away.
(43:54):
Yeah. So let's talk about when you get
the know, what do you do with it, right?
Do you do with it, Laura? We're going to ask you that
question. This is I've, I've spent some
time on this. No, now is never.
No, never. So you can't look like you've
just been rejected, which is thefirst time.
And it's hard. It takes practice.
I get it. It's a learning experience.
(44:17):
You've got to find out why they said no because again,
assumptions come flooding in. So say, you know, I appreciate
it and I appreciate your time. It would really help me if I
could understand why you're not able to do it.
Here's the thing at this time, because they didn't say no,
never slam the door, never want to see you, but that goes off in
(44:39):
your head. Learn from it.
What is it? It's like, well, I just got
flooded with five other requests.
I can't do this now we know, right?
OK, it's September and I do all these decisions in March.
Now we know it's the timing. You can find out why and revisit
it, but don't walk away and justsay thank you and think about
the next person you're going to ask.
So remember, get to the bottom of the why behind the no.
(45:04):
You know, that is such an excellent, excellent point.
A good friend of. It hurts.
It's hard because you've been rejected.
Clear curler out. You didn't get what you wanted
and it feels like your daughter who didn't get the second
lollipop. OK.
And you look like your daughter who didn't get the second
lollipop and that's how you feel.
But you, you tank and go away. But don't go away.
Stand there and find out why. A good friend of mine, Peter
(45:25):
Cash, wrote a book years ago called Make Your Own Luck and I.
Like the title? Yeah, he he did extremely well.
Met him many years ago and one of his stories in his book or
story that he would tell him when he would lecture was I love
it when I hear someone say now he goes, I know I'm with a
(45:46):
decision maker. He goes and I would say that to
them. He said I would flip it around
and say no, You just said no. I love that you're a decision
maker. Now I would like you to tell me
what it would take to get you toyes.
And this is the guy who closed, I'm sure probably upwards to a
billion or more in biotech deals.
(46:09):
And I'm like, wow, Peter, that is such a good way to turn it
around. Absolutely.
You know, he he didn't take it personally.
I always say to him, I say you wear the ultimate Teflon suit
I've ever seen, you know, or notseen, but you have it on.
So now you know you managed. To just what I love about that
is the decision maker yes, because so many people hesitate
(46:29):
asking and they're. Not decision makers.
Because they feel like they can't get to the decision maker,
and they're guessing who the decision maker is.
And then months go by. OK.
But I love that. It's like, wow, I got it right.
Congratulations. Right.
I got the right person. Now let's roll.
Yeah. It's brilliant.
So you're a decision maker. You know, what can you do to get
(46:50):
me to, you know, what can I do to get you to Yes.
And that person then may say, well, I'm not the decision, you
know, I'm not the person you should be asking you.
Should be asking. Joe or Sarah or I can't do it
now. Or I think your presentation was
weak. Yeah, or I'm not the guy, you
know, whatever it is. But you start to get those
(47:12):
answers so you can get to yes. I tell people just all the time,
I, I, I am addicted to Shark Tank.
I keep watching every single series because I learned
something. And it's either they didn't
prepare, they didn't know which shark they wanted, or it's, it's
do they need 2? Do they need one?
I mean, I'm just fascinated, fascinated by this dynamic
(47:34):
because in every episode you'll learn something.
In fact, I even wrote to them saying I want to help people do
the pitch before they come to you.
But I really, I would love to dothis, but it's it's just
fascinating because you see different personalities,
different types, different tones, different unprepared
prepared. The one woman got on and she
said like, you know, he said, well, what are your sales?
And she said 5 million. And Richard Branson was on and
(47:57):
he thought it was great. But Mark Cuban thought, don't
come here. We want entrepreneurs and these
two are going at it. And I'm like, you got to know
the personality Richard Branson would embrace if the person said
10 million investment. I want your two million to let.
And Mark Cuban's like, we only help like emerging
entrepreneurs. And I just I sat there and I
learned, ah, know your audience.Yeah, know your audience.
(48:21):
That's an essential rule. Know your audience.
Rule and their values. Yeah.
I mean, that's that's. You might get one shot at this,
so little preparation will get you through.
And there are different audiences for every different
kind of things. It's like when I do, you know,
crisis management for someone ora company usually, and I'll say,
(48:41):
well, wait a second, your partners are going to see this
differently than your employees,than your neighbors in your own
backyard. If it impacted them or your
board members or your shareholders.
No, everyone has a different perspective on the exact same
situation. You know, we see it all day long
(49:02):
when, you know, a police officerhas to get witnesses on a crime
and one person says they were definitely blind and someone
else says no, they were a brunette with dark.
Skin I know, I know it's just it's it's crazy, it's crazy.
I just, you know, just thinking about the different
personalities that will be before I get asked a lot and you
(49:24):
probably could guess this how toask for raise or promotion or
just something internally, right?
It's the biggest one. I mean, it's a good write one
whole book on it. But I want to get back to your
comment on the decision maker inasking for a raise.
And I've managed a lot of peopleat Pace University, Temple
University, I never had one person asked the right way for a
raise. They'd come in and #1 asked for
(49:45):
a percentage. And I said, do you honestly
think I know that a numerical amount that you're that you make
like that? So I don't know what that is.
So what's the number? OK, that's number one.
Number two is no one ever asked me, am I the decision maker?
Because it has to be me plus HR plus the board with the budget.
So even going in saying I want to ask for a raise, but before I
do, how many people make this decision and who do I need to go
(50:09):
in priority order? That is such a huge lesson
because years ago when I worked in entertainment, back when I
was 24 to 27 kind of years, and I was doing these corporate
sponsorships, I wanted to get the Milk Association to sponsor
a singer named Henry Lee Summer.I went around to 12 different
(50:29):
regions for the Milk Association, going through cash
I didn't have at the time, trying to get to the yes, but I
didn't know that the executive director had the authority to
overrule. Wow.
Yeah, talk about a lesson hard learned.
Find out who is the decision maker decision.
Or in priority order, because that nine times out of 10, the
(50:52):
boss is the last person to decide.
Did you go through HR? Is it in the budget cycle?
Is the funds in the cycle? And then then you go here.
So anyway, and when it wants a raise or promotion, just follow
those little tips. Oh my gosh, as always, Laura
Frederick, these go too fast, are they?
We all are already. It's hard to believe we are
done. I want to thank you so much.
(51:13):
Thank you. It's really my pleasure.
Thank you for spotlighting it. It's such an important aspect of
everyone's life that the more wecan get it out, the better we
will feel. So if it helps just one person
out there, I'm happy. I want to thank Laura
Fredericks, who was my guest. She is the author of Hard Asks
Made Easy. I'm going to tell you I learned
(51:33):
a lot during this podcast and anyone will learn a lot from
this book. I don't care if it's your 18
year old thinking about what college or high school or 18
college to go to, or should theyget involved in some other kind
of career or job, or if it's an executive that is making a
decision. If it's an individual that's
(51:56):
looking at something personal that they need some help on,
this book has tons of insight init on making those hard asks
easier. Thank you very much you.
Too. My pleasure.
This has been the Silver Disbedience Perception Dynamics
podcast. I'm Diane Griseld.
They're going to be all kinds oflinks below to Laura so you can
(52:17):
get her book, follow what she's doing, check into her website
and learn more because I highly recommend you do because I only
have good guests on this podcastthat are great experts at their
chosen pathway. Thanks for joining me.
We're in Manhattan center. I have to give that the right
mojo wave all the time. Thank you, Laura.
(52:39):
Thank you too.
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