March 4, 2025 • 27 mins
Ever wonder why you feel resistant to doing something that you actually want to do?
This month we're unpacking the complexities of resistance through Buddhist teachings and IFS Parts Work. We're going to scrap the self-sabotaging label and get to the roots of why most people struggle to make progress on their goals.
- The difference types of resistance according to Buddhism's Five Hindrances
- The IFS Perspective on the intentions of parts and why they put up road blocks
Jennifer also shares a few personal anecdotes that highlight a compassionate approach to getting things done.
Resources Mentioned in the Show
- Satipatthana Meditation by Bhikkhu Analayo
- Toward a Psychology of Awakening by John Elwood
~ ~ ~
SMP welcomes your comments and questions at feedback@skillfulmeanspodcast.com. You can also get in touch with Jen through her website: https://www.sati.yoga
Fill out this survey to help guide the direction of the show: https://airtable.com/appM7JWCQd7Q1Hwa4/pagRTiysNido3BXqF/form
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:07):
Welcome to Skillful Mean's podcast.
I'm your host, jenniferO'Sullivan.
Before we jump into thismonth's topic, I wanted to thank
everyone who's written in withso much encouragement.
I'm getting your emails andyour texts and it just really
means a lot to me to know thatthe show means so much to you.
(00:30):
I really love hearing from you.
So please reach out with yourthoughts by sending an email to
feedback atskillfulmeanspodcastcom, and if
you have a question or a topicyou'd like me to cover on the
show, follow the link in theshow notes to my submission form
, and you can also send me atext using the text me your
(00:53):
feedback link in the show notes.
This will send me an anonymoustext, so don't worry, I won't
start calling you or anything,but unfortunately that means I
can't reply to your text.
So if you want to reply,feedback at
skillfulmeanspodcastcom is theway to go.
Let's get to today's topicresistance.
(01:24):
I've been thinking aboutresistance for as long as I've
been teaching.
All the way back in college, Iworked at my school's computing
center teaching workshops on howto check your email and use the
internet.
I know this must sound crazy tosome of you, but back then most
of us showed up on campus,having barely ever used a
(01:45):
computer, so you can imaginethere was a lot of fear and
resistance when suddenly we hadto use them all the time.
So when I say this has been onmy mind for a long time we're
talking 30 plus years.
I've heard variations oftoday's question from my college
peers, software clients, yogastudents, coaching clients, and,
(02:10):
honestly, I come up againstthis too.
The question goes like this Iknow this would be good for me
and part of me really wants todo it, but somehow I keep
running into this wall ofresistance.
How do I overcome it?
And by this people meananything from maintaining a
(02:32):
regular yoga practice, changingup their habits, getting a new
project off the ground, if youcan name it, someone out there
is resisting it.
What flummoxes people the mostis that they also genuinely want
to do the thing.
So it's hard not to feelconfused about why you're not
(02:52):
getting on with it.
And if you're someone with ajudgy inner critic, then chances
are you're also getting on yourown case about why things
aren't getting done.
Let me say from the get-go thatresistance is a universal human
experience.
It shows up in all aspects oflife, but especially in areas
(03:16):
where we're stretching intogrowth areas or moving out of
our comfort zone.
If whatever you're trying to doinvolves change, there's a good
chance some part or parts ofyou are not on board.
The presence of resistancedoesn't mean there's something
wrong with you.
It doesn't mean you don't wantit badly enough.
(03:38):
It doesn't mean you don'tunderstand the consequences of
not doing it.
It just means you're human.
Today, I'm going to approachthis question from two angles.
First, I want to look throughthe Buddhist lens by unpacking
the five hindrances.
(03:58):
The hindrances appear in acouple of texts and are often
framed by mindfulness teachersas obstacles we encounter while
trying to meditate.
However, they show up in anyaspect of life when we're trying
to grow into something.
I think there's a lot of wisdomin these teachings and they can
(04:19):
help us approach this topicwith a lot of self-compassion.
And I also want to look at thisfrom the perspective of parts.
It's not hard to find theoriesabout why we experience
resistance, but I think the bestway to get to the truth of
things is to ask the parts thatare throwing up roadblocks.
You'll typically find that thereasons aren't as neat and tidy
(04:44):
as the theories would suggest.
I've found that resistance ispersonal and often specific, and
the best way I know how tofigure out what's going on is to
go to the source.
(05:05):
Okay, so let's start with thefive hindrances.
The five hindrances areoutlined in the Satipatthana
Sutta, otherwise known as theFour Foundations of Mindfulness.
It's in this discourse that weget specific instructions for
meditation and contemplation,all aimed at alleviating
(05:31):
suffering.
The hindrances appear in thefourth foundation of mindfulness
, which is about investigatinglowercase d dharmas, aka mental
formations.
Mental formations are basicallyall the content in our mind, so
our thoughts, opinions,intentions, motivations,
(05:53):
insights.
They also encompass mentalstates like how calm or restless
the mind is.
The hindrances are likehigh-level categories for other
mental formations.
For instance, aversion is thehindrance that encompasses
feelings like hatred, disdain,animosity, but it can also
(06:18):
reflect a general dislike forsomething that you'd rather not
have to deal with.
In other words, each of thehindrances includes a spectrum
of secondary mental formations.
I wanted to start with aversion,because it's the easiest
hindrance to associate withresistance, resistance.
(06:39):
It's kind of like the Occam'srazor of resistance and Occam's
razor states that the simplestreason for something is the
likeliest one.
So, to put this hindrancesimply, if you're resisting
taking action on something,there's a reasonable chance that
some part of you doesn't wantto do it at all or doesn't want
(07:02):
to deal with some aspect of it,or doesn't like how it feels.
Or doesn't want to deal withsome aspect of it, or doesn't
like how it feels or doesn'twant to deal with someone
associated with it, or is afraidof some aspect of it and
doesn't want to feel that fear,or it associates the activity
with something they findrepellent.
The list goes on, but, in anutshell, aversive resistance
(07:27):
signals that something about thething you want to do is
unwanted by some part or partsof you.
This is why I really like partswork.
You can have parts that reallywant to do something while also
having parts that are feelingaversive for some reason.
(07:47):
To suss out if you're feelingaversion, a question to ask
yourself is is there something Idon't like about this project?
As an example, I can tell youthat one of the reasons it took
me so long to get the podcastback up and running was that a
part of me felt reallyuncomfortable even thinking
(08:08):
about doing the show solo.
It didn't matter that I get alot of joy out of creating the
show.
This part, was scared anddidn't want to think about it,
and because I'm here talking toyou now, obviously I figured out
how to work with those feelings.
So aversion doesn't mean you'renever going to get your thing
(08:31):
up and running.
Second hindrance is craving,which includes feelings like
longing, grasping or clinging,grasping or clinging, fear of
losing something, and it alsoincludes jealousy, parsimony,
even pride can be a kind ofcraving, especially if you've
(08:52):
got a part that wants to upholda particular identity or is all
about saving face as a force ofresistance.
Craving is more subtle thanaversion, and it might show up
as a conservative mindset Notpolitically conservative, but
rather a need to preservesomething, whether it's the
(09:16):
status quo or your image.
This is because there's safetyin the familiarity of keeping
things the way they are, even ifthe present situation isn't
great.
Years ago I read JohnWellwood's book Toward a
Psychology of Awakening, andthis was ahead of a retreat I
(09:37):
was going to do with him.
Sadly, wellwood has passed away, but he was a renowned
psychologist and author, one ofthe big names in a therapeutic
modality called felt-sensing,and he was also a Buddhist.
Even if you haven't heard ofhim, you've probably heard of a
term he coined Toward.
(09:58):
A Psychology of Awakening isthe book where Wellwood
describes spiritual bypassing,which is using spiritual
practices to make ourselves feelbetter rather than doing the
deep work to liberate ourselves.
But he also goes on to talkabout why people do this, and
it's largely because even areally negative present is safer
(10:22):
to many people than a positiveand expansive, unknown future.
So while parts of you may besuper excited about the
possibilities of a future whereyou're doing your great new
thing, other parts of you mightnot be ready for that change and
may be more interested inholding on to what's familiar,
(10:57):
craving or clinging.
You might ask yourself arethere parts of me that are
afraid of what might change if Imove forward?
The third hindrance restlessness, encompasses all sorts of
agitation and worry that we'dsum up as anxiety.
This kind of resistance showsup as what ifs, as in what if no
(11:18):
one shows up to my workshop?
What if I embarrass myself?
What if I completely bomb?
Whether it presents as needingthings to be perfect or
procrastination, the underlyingcurrent of restless resistance
is feeling afraid something willgo wrong and that will be
(11:39):
catastrophic or intolerable.
I'm aware in my own system thatI couldn't care less if some
things I do fail, but in othercases, failing would be utterly
mortifying.
But in other cases, failingwould be utterly mortifying.
I've also been thinking aboutrestlessness in terms of
overwhelm.
(12:00):
There's still an agitatedquality, but it's centered
around not feeling like you canhandle things or not knowing how
to get started on something,and in this sense, you might
feel like something is congestedinside of you while another
part is busting at the seams totake some kind of action.
(12:21):
The mental image I get is aperson sitting in a chair while
bouncing their leg up and downreally quickly or drumming their
fingers on a table impatiently,whether it's fidgety,
restlessness or anxiety aroundwhat could go wrong.
A question that might unlockthis source of resistance is
(12:44):
what would happen if I had to doit five minutes from now.
You might hear back somethinglike oh, cranky, I'm not
prepared at all and I'll screwit up.
Or I'd like to know, but Idon't know where to start.
Or yeah, sure, but I've got toomuch going on right now to even
think about that.
Things like that tease outanxiety and even as I'm telling
(13:10):
you this, I'm putting myself inthat mindset.
I'm also noticing irritation.
So if thinking about pursuingyour goal makes you feel crabby.
That's an interesting clue toget curious about.
On the opposite side ofrestlessness is the fourth
hindrance, dullness, which canbe literal sleepiness, but
(13:34):
mostly it's a listless lack ofconcentration.
With everything going on inWashington these days, I'm
catching myself staring out thewindow more than I care to admit
.
So there's an aimless qualityto dullness, and you want to be
on the lookout for hopelessness,which may indicate the onset of
(13:55):
depression.
Boredom is anothermanifestation of dullness.
Now, I haven't been sharingwith you the antidotes to the
hindrances, mainly because theyaren't really suited to this
topic.
However, when it comes todullness, the recommendation is
to find a way to rouse yourselfIn the context of dullness in
(14:20):
your meditation practice.
If you're falling asleep, thetext suggests first addressing
sleep problems and then afterthat, you might need to change
up your environment by trying tomeditate at a different time or
place, or even try a differentmethod.
If you sense that yourresistance may have something to
do with dullness, is theresomething about the endeavor
(14:44):
that has lost its shine for you,and can you change that up?
Another possibility is thatyou're not intrinsically
motivated to do this particularthing.
In psychology,self-determination theory posits
that motivation lies in ourgenuine enthusiasm for the thing
(15:04):
we're trying to do.
If your heart isn't in it, thenyou're going to have a hard
time doing it.
Have a hard time doing it Toget more clarity around dullness
.
Notice how you feel when you tryto engage in the thing you're
trying to do.
What type of mood does it evoke?
Do you feel drained orenergized?
(15:26):
Is there excitement, curiosityand a sense of possibility?
Or does it feel like a slog?
Can you get into flow whileworking on it?
And finally, we have thehindrance of doubt, sometimes
described as lack of faith orlack of belief.
(15:47):
You might doubt yourself, okay,but it's also possible that a
part of you has doubts about thething you're trying to do.
I experienced this a fairamount around marketing.
It's the part of running my ownbusiness where I feel the least
confident, and it's thisfeeling like I don't really know
what I'm doing that makes menot want to try.
(16:09):
And, to be honest, I can getkind of cynical about whether
the marketing things I'm doingwill actually work.
In this case, I kind of doubtevery aspect of marketing, so
it's no surprise I don't put alot of effort into it, even
though I definitely have partsthat are preoccupied with them,
to see if doubt is fueling yourresistance.
(16:31):
Notice how you're talking toyourself about the project.
Are parts of you trying to talkyourself out of it?
And notice if they're talkingabout you or the thing you're
trying to do.
The antidote for doubt is toseek counsel or revisit
teachings.
In other words, if doubt isaround, we turn to our external
(16:55):
supports.
Taking a course isn'tnecessarily my go-to, because
many of us turn to education totry to make up for lack of
confidence, but it's also truethat sometimes we need to do
some skill building.
You might also consider gettingwise counsel from someone who's
done the thing you're trying todo, or find a coach to
(17:20):
companion you through theprocess.
Too many of us are conditionedto be hyper self-sufficient, so
don't be surprised if you feel abit resistant to seeking out
help.
Filtering your resistancethrough the hindrances will help
you get some clarity about whatfeelings or beliefs are holding
you back.
Self-understanding isempowering.
(17:42):
When you know a bit more aboutwhat's going on, you can tackle
it directly.
What I find insightful aboutexploring the hindrances is that
(18:04):
they're presented asunremarkably normal.
Do they feel good?
No, do we like it when they'rearound?
Also no, but the fact that theyappear in the discourse
indicates how universal they are.
It's as if the Buddha said hereare the five most common ways
you're going to stumble on yourpath and because I've seen this
over and over and over again,I've developed a teaching about
(18:27):
it.
In this way, buddhism and IFSshare a perspective.
There is nothing wrong with youif you feel resistance.
It's a normal thing toencounter and we can work with
it.
But if you spend any time in theself-help corners of the
internet, chances are you'veheard someone talk about
(18:48):
self-sabotage.
The idea goes like this Forsome reason, some people
intentionally do things thatundermine their goals.
The reasons don't really matter.
What matters is that you're notreaching goals, and I strongly
object to the idea that peopleintentionally do this, and I
think the whole idea ofself-sabotage just perpetuates
(19:11):
this hyper individualistnarrative around success and
productivity.
There are a lot of reasons whygoals are hard to attain,
including, but not limited to,changing circumstances, external
constraints and systems ofoppression, and the very tone of
the word self-sabotage isinherently negative and
(19:35):
pathologizing.
It's as if if you aren'treaching your goals, you must be
setting yourself up to fail.
I don't believe people do that.
From the IFS perspective.
All parts have good intentions.
All parts are invested in yoursafety and your security.
If parts are resistant, theyhave a reason.
(19:58):
Parts that are aversive sensethat something is potentially
out of alignment, or harmfulParts that crave security over
progress may need to move alittle slower.
Parts that are restless mayneed help mitigating fear or
help planning next steps.
Parts that are feeling dull mayneed to re-examine the goals
(20:22):
and make sure there is genuineenthusiasm.
Doubtful parts may hold deeperinsight on better ways to move
forward.
The idea here is that partsaren't sabotaging.
They're trying to get yourattention.
They're trying to protect youfrom something, and your job is
(20:43):
to turn toward those parts, findout what they have to say and
work with them to find pathwaysforward together.
Like most negative feelings,resistance is a signal to get
curious and turn inward.
Let me give you a personalexample of how this goes down.
(21:07):
Several years ago this waspre-pandemic.
I was super excited to launch anew continuing ed program on
Taoism and yin yoga.
Maybe some of you were even inthat course.
I took the advice of many, manybusiness coaches to sell the
program before I created it.
The reasoning goes don't spenda lot of time building something
(21:28):
up front in case people aren'tinterested in the offer.
Once people sign up and theidea is validated, then you
build it.
Now I did have the outline ofthe course mapped out before I
started working on it.
All I needed to do was organizemy thoughts and create the
slideshows and handouts.
The program would run weeklyfor eight weeks with a one-week
(21:53):
break.
It was all live, so I had to beready to go each week.
About two-thirds of the waythrough I started
procrastinating, which isconsidered one of the top
self-sabotaging behaviors, but Ihad my schedule mapped out and
I just couldn't follow my plan.
I was losing so much timehanging out in Facebook groups
(22:15):
you know back when that was athing and meanwhile other parts
were starting to get reallystressed out about the work not
getting done.
My IFS coach helped guide meinto a dialogue with the part
that was procrastinating andwhen I asked it why it wouldn't
let me work, it had a lot to saySomething like this Jen, this
(22:36):
work situation you've gotten usinto really sucks.
It's not fun doing this muchintensive work for nine weeks.
This setup building as you gois sucking the joy out of
teaching.
And you know what it was right.
(22:56):
It was too much.
I absolutely love teaching.
I loved the material andcouldn't wait to share it.
I even enjoy creating all thematerials, but doing it all at
the same time it was too much.
So I said to the part you'reabsolutely right, and I feel
(23:16):
that same irritation at the messI've gotten myself into.
That was bad advice for me.
But listen, I've got payingstudents counting on me.
I know you and I both don'twant to let them down.
How can we get back to work?
Ultimately, I broke thestalemate by promising not to do
that again.
Build a course while teachingit.
(23:38):
I'd rather do a lot of work onsomething that no one wants than
turn my calling into a slog ofa job.
And it's been almost six yearsand I haven't done that again.
This experience completelychanged my whole outlook on
procrastination and resistancemore broadly.
(24:00):
Procrastination is a symptom ofsomething else.
The part was actuallyadvocating for a more
sustainable approach to how Irun my business, and no amount
of Pomodoro would have broughtme that insight.
And, in case you're curious, Iwas feeling a combination of two
hindrances dullness by way ofchecking out on Facebook, and
(24:25):
increasing anxiety orrestlessness as the work wasn't
getting done and increasinglyless fun.
The dissonance between thesetwo oppositional feelings,
dullness and restlessness, wasalso contributing to that sense
of feeling stuck.
So, whether you approachresistance through the lens of
(24:47):
the hindrances or parts, ormaybe both, what I hope you take
away from this episode is thatresistance isn't something to
overcome.
It's a signal that something isoff.
Maybe you just need to tweaksomething here or there, or
maybe your whole goal is someoneelse's should and on that point
(25:08):
, check out last month's episode.
The cost of not slowing downand checking in with resistance
is that you could end upsomeplace you don't actually
want to be.
My invitation to you is seewhat it would be like to relate
to resistance with genuinecuriosity.
(25:29):
What wisdom is hidden behindthose so-called blocks?
I'd love to hear about how youapproach resistance, so drop me
a note via text or email, and onthat note, I'm working on a
(25:57):
question for a future episodethat I got from a listener who's
wondering about Dharmic wisdomand social activism,
particularly whether to stickaround on social media platforms
run by people who are promotingharmful views platforms run by
people who are promoting harmfulviews.
Now, I'll confess I tend to beon the digit side of things and
I am currently and kind ofslowly deplatforming myself, but
(26:17):
I have seen some people make acase that platforms like
Facebook are still being used toorganize movements.
So if you have thoughts andopinions about this topic,
particularly through a dharmicor yogic lens, do get in touch.
I want to share your takes andI'm even open to having someone
join me on the show to talkabout it.
You know where to find mefeedback at skillful means,
(26:40):
podcastcom.
And before I go, don't forget,in two weeks I'm dropping a
practice episode.
This month, I'll guide youthrough a dialogue with a
resistant heart.
Thank you again for the gift ofyour time and attention.
Until next time, may you meeteach moment with courage and
(27:03):
compassion.
Welcome to Skillful Mean's podcast.
I'm your host, jenniferO'Sullivan.
Before we jump into thismonth's topic, I wanted to thank
everyone who's written in withso much encouragement.
I'm getting your emails andyour texts and it just really
means a lot to me to know thatthe show means so much to you.
(00:30):
I really love hearing from you.
So please reach out with yourthoughts by sending an email to
feedback atskillfulmeanspodcastcom, and if
you have a question or a topicyou'd like me to cover on the
show, follow the link in theshow notes to my submission form
, and you can also send me atext using the text me your
(00:53):
feedback link in the show notes.
This will send me an anonymoustext, so don't worry, I won't
start calling you or anything,but unfortunately that means I
can't reply to your text.
So if you want to reply,feedback at
skillfulmeanspodcastcom is theway to go.
Let's get to today's topicresistance.
(01:24):
I've been thinking aboutresistance for as long as I've
been teaching.
All the way back in college, Iworked at my school's computing
center teaching workshops on howto check your email and use the
internet.
I know this must sound crazy tosome of you, but back then most
of us showed up on campus,having barely ever used a
(01:45):
computer, so you can imaginethere was a lot of fear and
resistance when suddenly we hadto use them all the time.
So when I say this has been onmy mind for a long time we're
talking 30 plus years.
I've heard variations oftoday's question from my college
peers, software clients, yogastudents, coaching clients, and,
(02:10):
honestly, I come up againstthis too.
The question goes like this Iknow this would be good for me
and part of me really wants todo it, but somehow I keep
running into this wall ofresistance.
How do I overcome it?
And by this people meananything from maintaining a
(02:32):
regular yoga practice, changingup their habits, getting a new
project off the ground, if youcan name it, someone out there
is resisting it.
What flummoxes people the mostis that they also genuinely want
to do the thing.
So it's hard not to feelconfused about why you're not
(02:52):
getting on with it.
And if you're someone with ajudgy inner critic, then chances
are you're also getting on yourown case about why things
aren't getting done.
Let me say from the get-go thatresistance is a universal human
experience.
It shows up in all aspects oflife, but especially in areas
(03:16):
where we're stretching intogrowth areas or moving out of
our comfort zone.
If whatever you're trying to doinvolves change, there's a good
chance some part or parts ofyou are not on board.
The presence of resistancedoesn't mean there's something
wrong with you.
It doesn't mean you don't wantit badly enough.
(03:38):
It doesn't mean you don'tunderstand the consequences of
not doing it.
It just means you're human.
Today, I'm going to approachthis question from two angles.
First, I want to look throughthe Buddhist lens by unpacking
the five hindrances.
(03:58):
The hindrances appear in acouple of texts and are often
framed by mindfulness teachersas obstacles we encounter while
trying to meditate.
However, they show up in anyaspect of life when we're trying
to grow into something.
I think there's a lot of wisdomin these teachings and they can
(04:19):
help us approach this topicwith a lot of self-compassion.
And I also want to look at thisfrom the perspective of parts.
It's not hard to find theoriesabout why we experience
resistance, but I think the bestway to get to the truth of
things is to ask the parts thatare throwing up roadblocks.
You'll typically find that thereasons aren't as neat and tidy
(04:44):
as the theories would suggest.
I've found that resistance ispersonal and often specific, and
the best way I know how tofigure out what's going on is to
go to the source.
(05:05):
Okay, so let's start with thefive hindrances.
The five hindrances areoutlined in the Satipatthana
Sutta, otherwise known as theFour Foundations of Mindfulness.
It's in this discourse that weget specific instructions for
meditation and contemplation,all aimed at alleviating
(05:31):
suffering.
The hindrances appear in thefourth foundation of mindfulness
, which is about investigatinglowercase d dharmas, aka mental
formations.
Mental formations are basicallyall the content in our mind, so
our thoughts, opinions,intentions, motivations,
(05:53):
insights.
They also encompass mentalstates like how calm or restless
the mind is.
The hindrances are likehigh-level categories for other
mental formations.
For instance, aversion is thehindrance that encompasses
feelings like hatred, disdain,animosity, but it can also
(06:18):
reflect a general dislike forsomething that you'd rather not
have to deal with.
In other words, each of thehindrances includes a spectrum
of secondary mental formations.
I wanted to start with aversion,because it's the easiest
hindrance to associate withresistance, resistance.
(06:39):
It's kind of like the Occam'srazor of resistance and Occam's
razor states that the simplestreason for something is the
likeliest one.
So, to put this hindrancesimply, if you're resisting
taking action on something,there's a reasonable chance that
some part of you doesn't wantto do it at all or doesn't want
(07:02):
to deal with some aspect of it,or doesn't like how it feels.
Or doesn't want to deal withsome aspect of it, or doesn't
like how it feels or doesn'twant to deal with someone
associated with it, or is afraidof some aspect of it and
doesn't want to feel that fear,or it associates the activity
with something they findrepellent.
The list goes on, but, in anutshell, aversive resistance
(07:27):
signals that something about thething you want to do is
unwanted by some part or partsof you.
This is why I really like partswork.
You can have parts that reallywant to do something while also
having parts that are feelingaversive for some reason.
(07:47):
To suss out if you're feelingaversion, a question to ask
yourself is is there something Idon't like about this project?
As an example, I can tell youthat one of the reasons it took
me so long to get the podcastback up and running was that a
part of me felt reallyuncomfortable even thinking
(08:08):
about doing the show solo.
It didn't matter that I get alot of joy out of creating the
show.
This part, was scared anddidn't want to think about it,
and because I'm here talking toyou now, obviously I figured out
how to work with those feelings.
So aversion doesn't mean you'renever going to get your thing
(08:31):
up and running.
Second hindrance is craving,which includes feelings like
longing, grasping or clinging,grasping or clinging, fear of
losing something, and it alsoincludes jealousy, parsimony,
even pride can be a kind ofcraving, especially if you've
(08:52):
got a part that wants to upholda particular identity or is all
about saving face as a force ofresistance.
Craving is more subtle thanaversion, and it might show up
as a conservative mindset Notpolitically conservative, but
rather a need to preservesomething, whether it's the
(09:16):
status quo or your image.
This is because there's safetyin the familiarity of keeping
things the way they are, even ifthe present situation isn't
great.
Years ago I read JohnWellwood's book Toward a
Psychology of Awakening, andthis was ahead of a retreat I
(09:37):
was going to do with him.
Sadly, wellwood has passed away, but he was a renowned
psychologist and author, one ofthe big names in a therapeutic
modality called felt-sensing,and he was also a Buddhist.
Even if you haven't heard ofhim, you've probably heard of a
term he coined Toward.
(09:58):
A Psychology of Awakening isthe book where Wellwood
describes spiritual bypassing,which is using spiritual
practices to make ourselves feelbetter rather than doing the
deep work to liberate ourselves.
But he also goes on to talkabout why people do this, and
it's largely because even areally negative present is safer
(10:22):
to many people than a positiveand expansive, unknown future.
So while parts of you may besuper excited about the
possibilities of a future whereyou're doing your great new
thing, other parts of you mightnot be ready for that change and
may be more interested inholding on to what's familiar,
(10:57):
craving or clinging.
You might ask yourself arethere parts of me that are
afraid of what might change if Imove forward?
The third hindrance restlessness, encompasses all sorts of
agitation and worry that we'dsum up as anxiety.
This kind of resistance showsup as what ifs, as in what if no
(11:18):
one shows up to my workshop?
What if I embarrass myself?
What if I completely bomb?
Whether it presents as needingthings to be perfect or
procrastination, the underlyingcurrent of restless resistance
is feeling afraid something willgo wrong and that will be
(11:39):
catastrophic or intolerable.
I'm aware in my own system thatI couldn't care less if some
things I do fail, but in othercases, failing would be utterly
mortifying.
But in other cases, failingwould be utterly mortifying.
I've also been thinking aboutrestlessness in terms of
overwhelm.
(12:00):
There's still an agitatedquality, but it's centered
around not feeling like you canhandle things or not knowing how
to get started on something,and in this sense, you might
feel like something is congestedinside of you while another
part is busting at the seams totake some kind of action.
(12:21):
The mental image I get is aperson sitting in a chair while
bouncing their leg up and downreally quickly or drumming their
fingers on a table impatiently,whether it's fidgety,
restlessness or anxiety aroundwhat could go wrong.
A question that might unlockthis source of resistance is
(12:44):
what would happen if I had to doit five minutes from now.
You might hear back somethinglike oh, cranky, I'm not
prepared at all and I'll screwit up.
Or I'd like to know, but Idon't know where to start.
Or yeah, sure, but I've got toomuch going on right now to even
think about that.
Things like that tease outanxiety and even as I'm telling
(13:10):
you this, I'm putting myself inthat mindset.
I'm also noticing irritation.
So if thinking about pursuingyour goal makes you feel crabby.
That's an interesting clue toget curious about.
On the opposite side ofrestlessness is the fourth
hindrance, dullness, which canbe literal sleepiness, but
(13:34):
mostly it's a listless lack ofconcentration.
With everything going on inWashington these days, I'm
catching myself staring out thewindow more than I care to admit
.
So there's an aimless qualityto dullness, and you want to be
on the lookout for hopelessness,which may indicate the onset of
(13:55):
depression.
Boredom is anothermanifestation of dullness.
Now, I haven't been sharingwith you the antidotes to the
hindrances, mainly because theyaren't really suited to this
topic.
However, when it comes todullness, the recommendation is
to find a way to rouse yourselfIn the context of dullness in
(14:20):
your meditation practice.
If you're falling asleep, thetext suggests first addressing
sleep problems and then afterthat, you might need to change
up your environment by trying tomeditate at a different time or
place, or even try a differentmethod.
If you sense that yourresistance may have something to
do with dullness, is theresomething about the endeavor
(14:44):
that has lost its shine for you,and can you change that up?
Another possibility is thatyou're not intrinsically
motivated to do this particularthing.
In psychology,self-determination theory posits
that motivation lies in ourgenuine enthusiasm for the thing
(15:04):
we're trying to do.
If your heart isn't in it, thenyou're going to have a hard
time doing it.
Have a hard time doing it Toget more clarity around dullness
.
Notice how you feel when you tryto engage in the thing you're
trying to do.
What type of mood does it evoke?
Do you feel drained orenergized?
(15:26):
Is there excitement, curiosityand a sense of possibility?
Or does it feel like a slog?
Can you get into flow whileworking on it?
And finally, we have thehindrance of doubt, sometimes
described as lack of faith orlack of belief.
(15:47):
You might doubt yourself, okay,but it's also possible that a
part of you has doubts about thething you're trying to do.
I experienced this a fairamount around marketing.
It's the part of running my ownbusiness where I feel the least
confident, and it's thisfeeling like I don't really know
what I'm doing that makes menot want to try.
(16:09):
And, to be honest, I can getkind of cynical about whether
the marketing things I'm doingwill actually work.
In this case, I kind of doubtevery aspect of marketing, so
it's no surprise I don't put alot of effort into it, even
though I definitely have partsthat are preoccupied with them,
to see if doubt is fueling yourresistance.
(16:31):
Notice how you're talking toyourself about the project.
Are parts of you trying to talkyourself out of it?
And notice if they're talkingabout you or the thing you're
trying to do.
The antidote for doubt is toseek counsel or revisit
teachings.
In other words, if doubt isaround, we turn to our external
(16:55):
supports.
Taking a course isn'tnecessarily my go-to, because
many of us turn to education totry to make up for lack of
confidence, but it's also truethat sometimes we need to do
some skill building.
You might also consider gettingwise counsel from someone who's
done the thing you're trying todo, or find a coach to
(17:20):
companion you through theprocess.
Too many of us are conditionedto be hyper self-sufficient, so
don't be surprised if you feel abit resistant to seeking out
help.
Filtering your resistancethrough the hindrances will help
you get some clarity about whatfeelings or beliefs are holding
you back.
Self-understanding isempowering.
(17:42):
When you know a bit more aboutwhat's going on, you can tackle
it directly.
What I find insightful aboutexploring the hindrances is that
(18:04):
they're presented asunremarkably normal.
Do they feel good?
No, do we like it when they'rearound?
Also no, but the fact that theyappear in the discourse
indicates how universal they are.
It's as if the Buddha said hereare the five most common ways
you're going to stumble on yourpath and because I've seen this
over and over and over again,I've developed a teaching about
(18:27):
it.
In this way, buddhism and IFSshare a perspective.
There is nothing wrong with youif you feel resistance.
It's a normal thing toencounter and we can work with
it.
But if you spend any time in theself-help corners of the
internet, chances are you'veheard someone talk about
(18:48):
self-sabotage.
The idea goes like this Forsome reason, some people
intentionally do things thatundermine their goals.
The reasons don't really matter.
What matters is that you're notreaching goals, and I strongly
object to the idea that peopleintentionally do this, and I
think the whole idea ofself-sabotage just perpetuates
(19:11):
this hyper individualistnarrative around success and
productivity.
There are a lot of reasons whygoals are hard to attain,
including, but not limited to,changing circumstances, external
constraints and systems ofoppression, and the very tone of
the word self-sabotage isinherently negative and
(19:35):
pathologizing.
It's as if if you aren'treaching your goals, you must be
setting yourself up to fail.
I don't believe people do that.
From the IFS perspective.
All parts have good intentions.
All parts are invested in yoursafety and your security.
If parts are resistant, theyhave a reason.
(19:58):
Parts that are aversive sensethat something is potentially
out of alignment, or harmfulParts that crave security over
progress may need to move alittle slower.
Parts that are restless mayneed help mitigating fear or
help planning next steps.
Parts that are feeling dull mayneed to re-examine the goals
(20:22):
and make sure there is genuineenthusiasm.
Doubtful parts may hold deeperinsight on better ways to move
forward.
The idea here is that partsaren't sabotaging.
They're trying to get yourattention.
They're trying to protect youfrom something, and your job is
(20:43):
to turn toward those parts, findout what they have to say and
work with them to find pathwaysforward together.
Like most negative feelings,resistance is a signal to get
curious and turn inward.
Let me give you a personalexample of how this goes down.
(21:07):
Several years ago this waspre-pandemic.
I was super excited to launch anew continuing ed program on
Taoism and yin yoga.
Maybe some of you were even inthat course.
I took the advice of many, manybusiness coaches to sell the
program before I created it.
The reasoning goes don't spenda lot of time building something
(21:28):
up front in case people aren'tinterested in the offer.
Once people sign up and theidea is validated, then you
build it.
Now I did have the outline ofthe course mapped out before I
started working on it.
All I needed to do was organizemy thoughts and create the
slideshows and handouts.
The program would run weeklyfor eight weeks with a one-week
(21:53):
break.
It was all live, so I had to beready to go each week.
About two-thirds of the waythrough I started
procrastinating, which isconsidered one of the top
self-sabotaging behaviors, but Ihad my schedule mapped out and
I just couldn't follow my plan.
I was losing so much timehanging out in Facebook groups
(22:15):
you know back when that was athing and meanwhile other parts
were starting to get reallystressed out about the work not
getting done.
My IFS coach helped guide meinto a dialogue with the part
that was procrastinating andwhen I asked it why it wouldn't
let me work, it had a lot to saySomething like this Jen, this
(22:36):
work situation you've gotten usinto really sucks.
It's not fun doing this muchintensive work for nine weeks.
This setup building as you gois sucking the joy out of
teaching.
And you know what it was right.
(22:56):
It was too much.
I absolutely love teaching.
I loved the material andcouldn't wait to share it.
I even enjoy creating all thematerials, but doing it all at
the same time it was too much.
So I said to the part you'reabsolutely right, and I feel
(23:16):
that same irritation at the messI've gotten myself into.
That was bad advice for me.
But listen, I've got payingstudents counting on me.
I know you and I both don'twant to let them down.
How can we get back to work?
Ultimately, I broke thestalemate by promising not to do
that again.
Build a course while teachingit.
(23:38):
I'd rather do a lot of work onsomething that no one wants than
turn my calling into a slog ofa job.
And it's been almost six yearsand I haven't done that again.
This experience completelychanged my whole outlook on
procrastination and resistancemore broadly.
(24:00):
Procrastination is a symptom ofsomething else.
The part was actuallyadvocating for a more
sustainable approach to how Irun my business, and no amount
of Pomodoro would have broughtme that insight.
And, in case you're curious, Iwas feeling a combination of two
hindrances dullness by way ofchecking out on Facebook, and
(24:25):
increasing anxiety orrestlessness as the work wasn't
getting done and increasinglyless fun.
The dissonance between thesetwo oppositional feelings,
dullness and restlessness, wasalso contributing to that sense
of feeling stuck.
So, whether you approachresistance through the lens of
(24:47):
the hindrances or parts, ormaybe both, what I hope you take
away from this episode is thatresistance isn't something to
overcome.
It's a signal that something isoff.
Maybe you just need to tweaksomething here or there, or
maybe your whole goal is someoneelse's should and on that point
(25:08):
, check out last month's episode.
The cost of not slowing downand checking in with resistance
is that you could end upsomeplace you don't actually
want to be.
My invitation to you is seewhat it would be like to relate
to resistance with genuinecuriosity.
(25:29):
What wisdom is hidden behindthose so-called blocks?
I'd love to hear about how youapproach resistance, so drop me
a note via text or email, and onthat note, I'm working on a
(25:57):
question for a future episodethat I got from a listener who's
wondering about Dharmic wisdomand social activism,
particularly whether to stickaround on social media platforms
run by people who are promotingharmful views platforms run by
people who are promoting harmfulviews.
Now, I'll confess I tend to beon the digit side of things and
I am currently and kind ofslowly deplatforming myself, but
(26:17):
I have seen some people make acase that platforms like
Facebook are still being used toorganize movements.
So if you have thoughts andopinions about this topic,
particularly through a dharmicor yogic lens, do get in touch.
I want to share your takes andI'm even open to having someone
join me on the show to talkabout it.
You know where to find mefeedback at skillful means,
(26:40):
podcastcom.
And before I go, don't forget,in two weeks I'm dropping a
practice episode.
This month, I'll guide youthrough a dialogue with a
resistant heart.
Thank you again for the gift ofyour time and attention.
Until next time, may you meeteach moment with courage and
(27:03):
compassion.
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