June 10, 2025 • 24 mins
While the world may feel increasingly more fraught, we can't sustain ourselves on anger and fear alone. We must remember what we're fighting for and, as Tennessee Williams asks of us, save the love.
This latest episode kicks off a series of episodes on Awakening the Heart - theories, teachings, and practices that will better sustain us in the months and years to come.
This month, we take a look at why shouldn't feel guilty for taking time out of resisting to foreground what brings us joy and happiness. In fact, making sure we build in positive moments in our lives is going to set up our brains to be more creative and energetic warriors.
Some highlights include:
- Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's theories on "micro-moments of connection" and Broaden & Build
- The Mahayana Buddhist concept of bodhicitta (open-heartedness)
- Dr. Rick Hanson's "Taking in the Good" practice.
Resources Mentioned on the Show
Love 2.0 ~ Dr. Barbara Frederickson
Bodhicitta ~ Tricycle Magazine
Taking in the Good - Dr. Rick Hanson
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~ ~ ~
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Skillful Means Podcast.
I'm your host, jenniferO'Sullivan.
So how y'all doing out there?
I'll just say that the pastfour months have been among the
most emotionally challengingmonths of my life, and I've had
(00:32):
some doozies.
What's different is that I'venever been so angry and also so
fearful for such a long stretchof time before, and it's
unending.
It's like, oh, I start to feelbetter one day and then the next
day something else pops up andI'm mad all over again.
(00:52):
And we do have a lot to beangry and worried about, but
it's also not sustainable.
In last month's pod, we talkedabout working with, instead of
against, negative emotions, andyeah, that's really necessary.
We do need to have that skillon board, but it can't be all
(01:13):
that we're doing.
If you get my newsletterDispatches from the Wilds, you
might have seen my April messagewhere I shared the following
quote from Tennessee Williams.
So here it comes.
The world is violent andmercurial.
It will have its way with you.
(01:33):
We are saved only by love lovefor each other and the love that
we pour into the art we feelcompelled to share.
Being a parent, being a writer,being a painter, being a friend
.
We live in a perpetuallyburning building, and what we
(02:05):
must save from it all the timeis love.
Just let that sink in for asecond.
This quote, in a deep way,really brought home the
essential Buddhist teachings.
For me, all suffering is causedby three things anger and
aversion, gasping or attachmentsand delusion.
(02:29):
It's okay to be angry, it's anappropriate response to many
things and it spurs action, butanger can't save us.
It's not a liberatory practice.
We won't make it if we're onlyfighting against something.
We have to remember what we'refighting for, and all the wise
(02:51):
ancestors all around the worldundoubtedly joined Tennessee
Williams in imploring us tofight for love.
We fight for what makes lifeworth living, for each other,
for goodness, for art, for ourkids and their kids.
It's not a secret that I'm asci-fi fantasy fan, and I was
(03:15):
among the many people whorecently read the last entry in
Brandon Sanderson's Stormlightseries.
So shout out to all the BrandoSando fans out there.
I promise I won't bore you withthe details of the story, but
in this last installment we gotthe backstory of a longtime
character who, we learn, wasraised in a culture whose
(03:39):
morality centered around whetheror not your actions add to the
community or subtract from itOkay.
Naturally, they had some weirdideas about what falls into
those categories, but it got methinking that I also want to be
someone who adds, contributes,doesn't just leave no trace, but
(04:01):
leaves things better than theway I found them.
Just leave no trace, but leavesthings better than the way I
found it.
It seems that a lot of peoplewere just as moved by
Tennessee's quote as I was,because I received a lot of
feedback for that newsletter andit can all be summed up as oh
wow, I needed to hear that andthis gave me an idea for the
next several episodes of the pod.
(04:24):
So from now until aboutSeptember, we're looking at
several questions.
How do we stay open-hearted andadditive in a world that is
wobbling under the weight oftyranny?
How do we keep our spirits up?
How do we help when ourproblems are so complex and
systemic, when our problems areso complex and systemic?
(04:46):
In this episode, we're going toconsider more closely why it's
an imperative that we keep thesparks of love and joy alive in
our hearts, especially in timeslike this.
In July, we're going to exploreBuddhist teachings on
compassion because how couldn'twe?
And in August we're looking atthe yoga concept of seva or
(05:07):
selfless service, and I'minviting my friend Lauren
Goldberg on the show to talkabout a project they launched.
That kind of wraps all thesetopics into one.
I really love what they'redoing and I can't wait for you
to hear about it.
And then finally, in Septemberwe're looking at grace, because
I know do-gooders like you andme can be really hard on
(05:29):
ourselves.
We feel guilty when we think wearen't doing enough and if we
don't forgive ourselves, we willburn out A couple of
housekeeping things before wejump in.
If you're enjoying the show,pretty please leave a rating or
review on your favorite playerand share it with a friend.
There's a lot of content outthere, y'all, and it's getting
(05:51):
harder and harder to breakthrough the noise.
So these little things do makea difference.
And if you'd like to hear morefrom me, consider signing up for
my newsletter.
I send it out monthly and in itI share essays and tips for
deepening your inner connections, and I'll put that link in the
show notes.
(06:18):
I want to kick us off by divinginto what we mean when we say
we've got to save the love.
I think creatives have knownall along that love isn't just
about deep emotional bonds witha few close others.
Love is also about, asTennessee Williams points out,
what we create, what we devoteourselves to, what gets us out
(06:42):
of bed in the morning.
Love is what we do if we wonthe lottery and didn't have to
make the donuts every day.
Unless you love making donuts,chances are that when you dig
deep, all that you love, allthat sustains you, eventually
boils down to connection.
An introverted painter is stillmotivated to share something of
(07:07):
themselves as an offering or agift.
That's a form of connection.
I even believe that people whogo about things the wrong way
are still looking to relate, tobe seen, to be witnessed in some
way.
They just don't know how.
(07:31):
Psychology researcher andprofessor, dr Barbara
Fredrickson, is well known inthe field for her work on
positive emotions and their rolein building resilience.
For a long time, psychologistsbelieved that positive emotions
were kind of inert, and thenthey spent most of their time
looking at the effects andimpacts of negative emotions.
Fredrickson is perhaps mostfamous in academia for her work
(07:53):
on debunking this claim.
Positive emotions, according toher broaden and build theory,
play a huge role in how we learn, develop, support one another
and foster society.
But I want to start with whatshe says about love.
First because, well, that's thetopic of the episode, but also
(08:13):
because it explains sobeautifully what's happening
with our neurobiology when weexperience what she calls
positivity resonance.
She says In her book Love 2.0,fredrickson lays out an updated
(08:35):
vision of love.
She reframes it as micro momentsof connection, and those micro
moments improve our health andlongevity.
So love isn't just aboutromance and intimate
partnerships.
It's something we canexperience in all kinds of
relationships.
(08:55):
I do highly recommend you checkout the book Love 2.0, but I
wanted to share a couple ofthings that popped out for me
when I was reading it.
The neurological, biochemicaland biological aspects of love
actively promote connection.
When we connect in a joyful waywith someone, even briefly, all
(09:21):
these internal processes kickoff to nudge us to do more of
that thing.
It's an upward spiral.
The more we connect, the moreprimed we are to connect.
Okay, so here are somespecifics.
When we enjoy a moment withsomeone, it doesn't have to be a
(09:41):
deep, intimate, confessionalmoment.
It's a casual moment, likejoking with someone while you
wait for your coffee order.
So when we enjoy a moment withsomeone, our nervous system
tells our facial muscles topromote eye contact and better
hearing.
Like the little muscles in yourears tune to the other person,
(10:06):
our brains sync up, meaning thatbeing on the same wavelength is
a real thing.
So for however long it lasts,we feel connected.
And when we're feeling positiveemotions, our focus shifts from
me to we.
In other words, we're naturallymore inclusive when we're
(10:30):
feeling good.
Other words, we're naturallymore inclusive when we're
feeling good.
Fredrickson describes it as asense of expansion and, like the
brain sinking sensation, wefeel this expansiveness in our
bodies.
And then we have oxytocin, thefeel good hormone, which does
more than just facilitatebonding.
(10:50):
It can also boost our abilityto be attuned to others.
It helps us to become betterinterpreters of other people's
feelings.
We navigate stressful socialsituations better and generally
oxytocin helps us to feel calmer.
So it's like a social lubricant, and other people's oxytocin
(11:13):
helps us to feel calmer.
So it's like a social lubricant, and other people's oxytocin
can trigger our own throughbiochemical synchrony, which is
what underpins our motivationfor mutual care and support.
So you can see why love is suchan important motivator.
It brings us so much.
Personally, we feel good whenwe experience these moments of
(11:34):
connection.
But it's also the foundation ofsociety If we aren't pouring
ourselves into love andconnection, what do we even have
?
I want to turn back toFredrickson's broaden and build
theory, which explains why it'simportant we foreground positive
(11:55):
experiences more broadly andmicro moments of connection more
specifically, like love.
The other positive emotions,things like awe, joy, amusement,
inspiration.
They make us feel good.
When we feel good, ourperspective widens.
(12:15):
It's helpful to think of this.
In contrast with negativeemotions, which have an effect
called cognitive narrowing, wefocus down on what needs to be
done to take care of what otherproblem has elicited the feeling
in the first place.
They can see this narrowingeffect on brain imaging scans by
where blood flow in the braingoes.
(12:37):
When we're feeling positive, weget increased blood flow to
larger swaths of the brain,including those that take in
more spatial data.
As a result, we pick up morecontext clues from our
environment.
When we're feeling good, we'realso less self-absorbed because
(12:58):
we're probably not feelingthreatened, and when we share
positive experiences with other,our view widens even more.
So this is the broaden aspectof broaden and build.
Positive emotions help us gainperspective and expand our
connections and with additionalsocial supports and more
(13:20):
available data, we can leverageour creativity, develop
ourselves, support othersreceive help and solve problems,
which is the build part.
With a positive orientation,we're less task-oriented and
more solutions-oriented.
We sow seeds, grow and harvestinner and outer resources, which
(13:44):
also becomes an upward spiral.
When we start buildingresources and putting them to
work in our lives, the benefitswe gain elicit more positive
feelings, which widens our scopeeven more, helping us to then
build upon our foundation and upand up we go.
It doesn't mean that wetranscend ever feeling bad again
(14:09):
, but I do think we move throughlife feeling like we can handle
things better and that we alsohave the supports in place when
we need them.
What I appreciate about micromoments of connection and
broaden and build is that it'seasy to see how we can put those
theories into practice.
(14:32):
I had a client a while back whofigured this out on his own.
He's kind of a shy guy and notreally the sort to strike up
conversations with strangers,but as an experiment he started
making small talk with people atthe bus stop.
He was quite delighted in thelittle interactions he had with
people.
(14:52):
He was so lit up telling meabout it that it made me feel
good too.
So this feel-good stuff is alsocontagious.
We can spread it around and indoing so it will circle back to
us.
I also want to be careful whenI talk about focusing on the
(15:20):
positive, because I don't wantto leave the impression that
negative feelings are bad.
If you haven't listened to lastmonth's episode on embracing
difficult emotions, definitelycheck it out.
Negative emotions are necessaryand serve a specific and needed
function.
We want to tend to them whenthey occur.
(15:43):
Here's where a bit of Buddhistwisdom comes in.
From Mahayana Buddhism, whichincludes Zen and Tibetan
Buddhism, we have the expressmotivation to cultivate
bodhicitta.
The yogis listening willrecognize the word citta, which
appears in the opening yogasutras of Patanjali, and it's
(16:04):
often translated as mind.
But in Buddhism heart and mind,or collectively heart-mind, are
the same.
So citta means heart-mind,bodhi means awakening or
enlightenment, sometimes open.
So we can think of bodhicittaas an open-hearted orientation
(16:31):
and in the Mahayana traditionsthis is the chief aim when
pursuing the Buddhist path.
And the main vehicle forcultivating bodhicitta is
practicing compassion.
In fact Fredrickson, back toher she's done some research on
loving, kindness, meditation andit does in fact cultivate
(16:51):
positivity, resonance and allthose pro-social benefits I
mentioned earlier.
I'm going to get more into thisin next month's episode, but I
wanted to bring this up nowbecause there's a small risk of
drifting into toxic positivityterritory if we don't draw
attention to it.
(17:13):
There are a couple of ways toapproach bodhicitta as a
practice, and one of them iscalled relative bodhicitta.
This is a teaching that remindsus that we're not here to
cultivate good vibes only.
Reminds us that we're not hereto cultivate good vibes only,
and, in fact, one of theenduring resources we build from
having an open-hearted andbroadly loving orientation is
(17:36):
the ability to be with sufferingsuffering within ourselves and
in others.
Buddhist teacher Pema Chodronhas said that even if we can't
get to the point of embracingsuffering, we can get to a point
where we can be okay with notbeing okay.
(17:57):
So if, as Williams states,we're in a perpetually burning
building, our opened heart, thework we do, when we broaden and
build, when we remember whatwe're for, those are the things
that are going to keep us fromshutting down.
Our anger may catalyze us, butit can't sustain us.
(18:21):
Only love can save us.
When it comes to cultivating theso-called good life, the aim
(18:42):
isn't to shut down our badfeelings and do whatever we can
to avoid having them.
I promise you that willbackfire.
Instead, think about what youcan add in.
In some of Fredrickson'sresearch, they discovered that,
because of negativity bias,humans need to have more
positive experiences thannegative ones in order to really
(19:04):
get the broaden and buildupward spiral going.
Now there's been some quibbleover the exact ratio, so let's
just go with more.
But my theory is that we'reprobably already having more
positive experiences than wethink.
We just miss them.
So start thinking about how youmight foreground what's already
(19:26):
positive in your life.
How can you get some joyfulactivities on your schedule?
Call that person you've beenmeaning to connect with.
Carve out some time for thethings that make you feel
accomplished or fulfilled.
This is going to help you buildthe inner resources you need to
(19:47):
address difficulties when theyarise.
I'll also share a practice fromDr Rick Hansen called Taking in
the Good.
It's based on a positivepsychology practice called
savoring.
Savoring is what you do toreally maximize the feel-good
qualities of positiveexperiences so that they have a
(20:10):
lasting imprint on your brain.
One of the benefits of anongoing and persistent
mindfulness practice is that westart to notice more, including
nice experiences we're alreadyhaving.
So taking in the good can bothbuild off of your mindfulness
practice.
But you can also just take inthe good as well, and I'll
(20:34):
explain that in a second.
So taking in the good uses theacronym HEAL, h-e-a-l, but for
our purposes we're going tofocus on just the first three
letters, h-e-a.
H stands for have a goodexperience.
This can be noticing one thatyou're already having, or you
(20:57):
can deliberately do somethingthat will elicit a positive
feeling.
E stands for enrich it, meaningdraw it out, flesh it out.
See if you can take in moredetails of the moment.
Can you engage more of yoursenses as you experience it, for
(21:19):
example, if you're like me andlike sweeping vistas, in
addition to what you can see,notice what the air smells like.
Notice the people around you.
Can you hear something in thebackground, like waves crashing
below or wind blowing throughthe trees?
(21:40):
And don't be so quick to moveon to something else.
Wait a moment before taking outthe camera or continuing on
your way.
Try to drag out the moment forup to a minute, if not longer.
A stands for absorb it.
(22:00):
Visualize yourself soaking inall the good feelings, like
absorbing it through the skin orletting it permeate your cells
like a sponge.
I sometimes imagine I'm asuperhero, absorbing her powers
for the first time, because Ijust like the image of swirls of
(22:21):
light around me and it flowingin.
So find an image that works foryou, then rinse and repeat
several times a day, if you canRemember that, with mindfulness,
even everyday experiences likewashing your hands while looking
out the kitchen window can be amoment to savor.
(22:53):
All right, everyone.
That about wraps things up forthis episode.
Next month I'm going to spend alittle bit more time with
bodhicitta bodhisattvas andinclude some trainings in
compassion.
That'll help you orientyourself towards moments of
connection.
And if you have any questionsabout this topic, hit me up at
(23:16):
feedback atskillfulmeanspodcastcom, and the
invitation is always open foryou to help shape the show.
If you have a topic idea oryou'd like to share something
about your practice that mightinspire others, check out the
link to the survey in the shownotes.
And if you've ever wonderedwhat it would be like to work
(23:37):
with me one-on-one, heading intothe summer months, I always
have a bit more room on myschedule, so I'll include a link
in the show notes for moreinformation about doing some
coaching with me.
Until next time, may you meeteach moment with courage and
compassion.
Welcome to Skillful Means Podcast.
I'm your host, jenniferO'Sullivan.
So how y'all doing out there?
I'll just say that the pastfour months have been among the
most emotionally challengingmonths of my life, and I've had
(00:32):
some doozies.
What's different is that I'venever been so angry and also so
fearful for such a long stretchof time before, and it's
unending.
It's like, oh, I start to feelbetter one day and then the next
day something else pops up andI'm mad all over again.
(00:52):
And we do have a lot to beangry and worried about, but
it's also not sustainable.
In last month's pod, we talkedabout working with, instead of
against, negative emotions, andyeah, that's really necessary.
We do need to have that skillon board, but it can't be all
(01:13):
that we're doing.
If you get my newsletterDispatches from the Wilds, you
might have seen my April messagewhere I shared the following
quote from Tennessee Williams.
So here it comes.
The world is violent andmercurial.
It will have its way with you.
(01:33):
We are saved only by love lovefor each other and the love that
we pour into the art we feelcompelled to share.
Being a parent, being a writer,being a painter, being a friend
.
We live in a perpetuallyburning building, and what we
(02:05):
must save from it all the timeis love.
Just let that sink in for asecond.
This quote, in a deep way,really brought home the
essential Buddhist teachings.
For me, all suffering is causedby three things anger and
aversion, gasping or attachmentsand delusion.
(02:29):
It's okay to be angry, it's anappropriate response to many
things and it spurs action, butanger can't save us.
It's not a liberatory practice.
We won't make it if we're onlyfighting against something.
We have to remember what we'refighting for, and all the wise
(02:51):
ancestors all around the worldundoubtedly joined Tennessee
Williams in imploring us tofight for love.
We fight for what makes lifeworth living, for each other,
for goodness, for art, for ourkids and their kids.
It's not a secret that I'm asci-fi fantasy fan, and I was
(03:15):
among the many people whorecently read the last entry in
Brandon Sanderson's Stormlightseries.
So shout out to all the BrandoSando fans out there.
I promise I won't bore you withthe details of the story, but
in this last installment we gotthe backstory of a longtime
character who, we learn, wasraised in a culture whose
(03:39):
morality centered around whetheror not your actions add to the
community or subtract from itOkay.
Naturally, they had some weirdideas about what falls into
those categories, but it got methinking that I also want to be
someone who adds, contributes,doesn't just leave no trace, but
(04:01):
leaves things better than theway I found them.
Just leave no trace, but leavesthings better than the way I
found it.
It seems that a lot of peoplewere just as moved by
Tennessee's quote as I was,because I received a lot of
feedback for that newsletter andit can all be summed up as oh
wow, I needed to hear that andthis gave me an idea for the
next several episodes of the pod.
(04:24):
So from now until aboutSeptember, we're looking at
several questions.
How do we stay open-hearted andadditive in a world that is
wobbling under the weight oftyranny?
How do we keep our spirits up?
How do we help when ourproblems are so complex and
systemic, when our problems areso complex and systemic?
(04:46):
In this episode, we're going toconsider more closely why it's
an imperative that we keep thesparks of love and joy alive in
our hearts, especially in timeslike this.
In July, we're going to exploreBuddhist teachings on
compassion because how couldn'twe?
And in August we're looking atthe yoga concept of seva or
(05:07):
selfless service, and I'minviting my friend Lauren
Goldberg on the show to talkabout a project they launched.
That kind of wraps all thesetopics into one.
I really love what they'redoing and I can't wait for you
to hear about it.
And then finally, in Septemberwe're looking at grace, because
I know do-gooders like you andme can be really hard on
(05:29):
ourselves.
We feel guilty when we think wearen't doing enough and if we
don't forgive ourselves, we willburn out A couple of
housekeeping things before wejump in.
If you're enjoying the show,pretty please leave a rating or
review on your favorite playerand share it with a friend.
There's a lot of content outthere, y'all, and it's getting
(05:51):
harder and harder to breakthrough the noise.
So these little things do makea difference.
And if you'd like to hear morefrom me, consider signing up for
my newsletter.
I send it out monthly and in itI share essays and tips for
deepening your inner connections, and I'll put that link in the
show notes.
(06:18):
I want to kick us off by divinginto what we mean when we say
we've got to save the love.
I think creatives have knownall along that love isn't just
about deep emotional bonds witha few close others.
Love is also about, asTennessee Williams points out,
what we create, what we devoteourselves to, what gets us out
(06:42):
of bed in the morning.
Love is what we do if we wonthe lottery and didn't have to
make the donuts every day.
Unless you love making donuts,chances are that when you dig
deep, all that you love, allthat sustains you, eventually
boils down to connection.
An introverted painter is stillmotivated to share something of
(07:07):
themselves as an offering or agift.
That's a form of connection.
I even believe that people whogo about things the wrong way
are still looking to relate, tobe seen, to be witnessed in some
way.
They just don't know how.
(07:31):
Psychology researcher andprofessor, dr Barbara
Fredrickson, is well known inthe field for her work on
positive emotions and their rolein building resilience.
For a long time, psychologistsbelieved that positive emotions
were kind of inert, and thenthey spent most of their time
looking at the effects andimpacts of negative emotions.
Fredrickson is perhaps mostfamous in academia for her work
(07:53):
on debunking this claim.
Positive emotions, according toher broaden and build theory,
play a huge role in how we learn, develop, support one another
and foster society.
But I want to start with whatshe says about love.
First because, well, that's thetopic of the episode, but also
(08:13):
because it explains sobeautifully what's happening
with our neurobiology when weexperience what she calls
positivity resonance.
She says In her book Love 2.0,fredrickson lays out an updated
(08:35):
vision of love.
She reframes it as micro momentsof connection, and those micro
moments improve our health andlongevity.
So love isn't just aboutromance and intimate
partnerships.
It's something we canexperience in all kinds of
relationships.
(08:55):
I do highly recommend you checkout the book Love 2.0, but I
wanted to share a couple ofthings that popped out for me
when I was reading it.
The neurological, biochemicaland biological aspects of love
actively promote connection.
When we connect in a joyful waywith someone, even briefly, all
(09:21):
these internal processes kickoff to nudge us to do more of
that thing.
It's an upward spiral.
The more we connect, the moreprimed we are to connect.
Okay, so here are somespecifics.
When we enjoy a moment withsomeone, it doesn't have to be a
(09:41):
deep, intimate, confessionalmoment.
It's a casual moment, likejoking with someone while you
wait for your coffee order.
So when we enjoy a moment withsomeone, our nervous system
tells our facial muscles topromote eye contact and better
hearing.
Like the little muscles in yourears tune to the other person,
(10:06):
our brains sync up, meaning thatbeing on the same wavelength is
a real thing.
So for however long it lasts,we feel connected.
And when we're feeling positiveemotions, our focus shifts from
me to we.
In other words, we're naturallymore inclusive when we're
(10:30):
feeling good.
Other words, we're naturallymore inclusive when we're
feeling good.
Fredrickson describes it as asense of expansion and, like the
brain sinking sensation, wefeel this expansiveness in our
bodies.
And then we have oxytocin, thefeel good hormone, which does
more than just facilitatebonding.
(10:50):
It can also boost our abilityto be attuned to others.
It helps us to become betterinterpreters of other people's
feelings.
We navigate stressful socialsituations better and generally
oxytocin helps us to feel calmer.
So it's like a social lubricant, and other people's oxytocin
(11:13):
helps us to feel calmer.
So it's like a social lubricant, and other people's oxytocin
can trigger our own throughbiochemical synchrony, which is
what underpins our motivationfor mutual care and support.
So you can see why love is suchan important motivator.
It brings us so much.
Personally, we feel good whenwe experience these moments of
(11:34):
connection.
But it's also the foundation ofsociety If we aren't pouring
ourselves into love andconnection, what do we even have
?
I want to turn back toFredrickson's broaden and build
theory, which explains why it'simportant we foreground positive
(11:55):
experiences more broadly andmicro moments of connection more
specifically, like love.
The other positive emotions,things like awe, joy, amusement,
inspiration.
They make us feel good.
When we feel good, ourperspective widens.
(12:15):
It's helpful to think of this.
In contrast with negativeemotions, which have an effect
called cognitive narrowing, wefocus down on what needs to be
done to take care of what otherproblem has elicited the feeling
in the first place.
They can see this narrowingeffect on brain imaging scans by
where blood flow in the braingoes.
(12:37):
When we're feeling positive, weget increased blood flow to
larger swaths of the brain,including those that take in
more spatial data.
As a result, we pick up morecontext clues from our
environment.
When we're feeling good, we'realso less self-absorbed because
(12:58):
we're probably not feelingthreatened, and when we share
positive experiences with other,our view widens even more.
So this is the broaden aspectof broaden and build.
Positive emotions help us gainperspective and expand our
connections and with additionalsocial supports and more
(13:20):
available data, we can leverageour creativity, develop
ourselves, support othersreceive help and solve problems,
which is the build part.
With a positive orientation,we're less task-oriented and
more solutions-oriented.
We sow seeds, grow and harvestinner and outer resources, which
(13:44):
also becomes an upward spiral.
When we start buildingresources and putting them to
work in our lives, the benefitswe gain elicit more positive
feelings, which widens our scopeeven more, helping us to then
build upon our foundation and upand up we go.
It doesn't mean that wetranscend ever feeling bad again
(14:09):
, but I do think we move throughlife feeling like we can handle
things better and that we alsohave the supports in place when
we need them.
What I appreciate about micromoments of connection and
broaden and build is that it'seasy to see how we can put those
theories into practice.
(14:32):
I had a client a while back whofigured this out on his own.
He's kind of a shy guy and notreally the sort to strike up
conversations with strangers,but as an experiment he started
making small talk with people atthe bus stop.
He was quite delighted in thelittle interactions he had with
people.
(14:52):
He was so lit up telling meabout it that it made me feel
good too.
So this feel-good stuff is alsocontagious.
We can spread it around and indoing so it will circle back to
us.
I also want to be careful whenI talk about focusing on the
(15:20):
positive, because I don't wantto leave the impression that
negative feelings are bad.
If you haven't listened to lastmonth's episode on embracing
difficult emotions, definitelycheck it out.
Negative emotions are necessaryand serve a specific and needed
function.
We want to tend to them whenthey occur.
(15:43):
Here's where a bit of Buddhistwisdom comes in.
From Mahayana Buddhism, whichincludes Zen and Tibetan
Buddhism, we have the expressmotivation to cultivate
bodhicitta.
The yogis listening willrecognize the word citta, which
appears in the opening yogasutras of Patanjali, and it's
(16:04):
often translated as mind.
But in Buddhism heart and mind,or collectively heart-mind, are
the same.
So citta means heart-mind,bodhi means awakening or
enlightenment, sometimes open.
So we can think of bodhicittaas an open-hearted orientation
(16:31):
and in the Mahayana traditionsthis is the chief aim when
pursuing the Buddhist path.
And the main vehicle forcultivating bodhicitta is
practicing compassion.
In fact Fredrickson, back toher she's done some research on
loving, kindness, meditation andit does in fact cultivate
(16:51):
positivity, resonance and allthose pro-social benefits I
mentioned earlier.
I'm going to get more into thisin next month's episode, but I
wanted to bring this up nowbecause there's a small risk of
drifting into toxic positivityterritory if we don't draw
attention to it.
(17:13):
There are a couple of ways toapproach bodhicitta as a
practice, and one of them iscalled relative bodhicitta.
This is a teaching that remindsus that we're not here to
cultivate good vibes only.
Reminds us that we're not hereto cultivate good vibes only,
and, in fact, one of theenduring resources we build from
having an open-hearted andbroadly loving orientation is
(17:36):
the ability to be with sufferingsuffering within ourselves and
in others.
Buddhist teacher Pema Chodronhas said that even if we can't
get to the point of embracingsuffering, we can get to a point
where we can be okay with notbeing okay.
(17:57):
So if, as Williams states,we're in a perpetually burning
building, our opened heart, thework we do, when we broaden and
build, when we remember whatwe're for, those are the things
that are going to keep us fromshutting down.
Our anger may catalyze us, butit can't sustain us.
(18:21):
Only love can save us.
When it comes to cultivating theso-called good life, the aim
(18:42):
isn't to shut down our badfeelings and do whatever we can
to avoid having them.
I promise you that willbackfire.
Instead, think about what youcan add in.
In some of Fredrickson'sresearch, they discovered that,
because of negativity bias,humans need to have more
positive experiences thannegative ones in order to really
(19:04):
get the broaden and buildupward spiral going.
Now there's been some quibbleover the exact ratio, so let's
just go with more.
But my theory is that we'reprobably already having more
positive experiences than wethink.
We just miss them.
So start thinking about how youmight foreground what's already
(19:26):
positive in your life.
How can you get some joyfulactivities on your schedule?
Call that person you've beenmeaning to connect with.
Carve out some time for thethings that make you feel
accomplished or fulfilled.
This is going to help you buildthe inner resources you need to
(19:47):
address difficulties when theyarise.
I'll also share a practice fromDr Rick Hansen called Taking in
the Good.
It's based on a positivepsychology practice called
savoring.
Savoring is what you do toreally maximize the feel-good
qualities of positiveexperiences so that they have a
(20:10):
lasting imprint on your brain.
One of the benefits of anongoing and persistent
mindfulness practice is that westart to notice more, including
nice experiences we're alreadyhaving.
So taking in the good can bothbuild off of your mindfulness
practice.
But you can also just take inthe good as well, and I'll
(20:34):
explain that in a second.
So taking in the good uses theacronym HEAL, h-e-a-l, but for
our purposes we're going tofocus on just the first three
letters, h-e-a.
H stands for have a goodexperience.
This can be noticing one thatyou're already having, or you
(20:57):
can deliberately do somethingthat will elicit a positive
feeling.
E stands for enrich it, meaningdraw it out, flesh it out.
See if you can take in moredetails of the moment.
Can you engage more of yoursenses as you experience it, for
(21:19):
example, if you're like me andlike sweeping vistas, in
addition to what you can see,notice what the air smells like.
Notice the people around you.
Can you hear something in thebackground, like waves crashing
below or wind blowing throughthe trees?
(21:40):
And don't be so quick to moveon to something else.
Wait a moment before taking outthe camera or continuing on
your way.
Try to drag out the moment forup to a minute, if not longer.
A stands for absorb it.
(22:00):
Visualize yourself soaking inall the good feelings, like
absorbing it through the skin orletting it permeate your cells
like a sponge.
I sometimes imagine I'm asuperhero, absorbing her powers
for the first time, because Ijust like the image of swirls of
(22:21):
light around me and it flowingin.
So find an image that works foryou, then rinse and repeat
several times a day, if you canRemember that, with mindfulness,
even everyday experiences likewashing your hands while looking
out the kitchen window can be amoment to savor.
(22:53):
All right, everyone.
That about wraps things up forthis episode.
Next month I'm going to spend alittle bit more time with
bodhicitta bodhisattvas andinclude some trainings in
compassion.
That'll help you orientyourself towards moments of
connection.
And if you have any questionsabout this topic, hit me up at
(23:16):
feedback atskillfulmeanspodcastcom, and the
invitation is always open foryou to help shape the show.
If you have a topic idea oryou'd like to share something
about your practice that mightinspire others, check out the
link to the survey in the shownotes.
And if you've ever wonderedwhat it would be like to work
(23:37):
with me one-on-one, heading intothe summer months, I always
have a bit more room on myschedule, so I'll include a link
in the show notes for moreinformation about doing some
coaching with me.
Until next time, may you meeteach moment with courage and
compassion.
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