February 4, 2025 • 23 mins
Feeling the pressure to do all the things?
This episode explores the balancing act between living up to expectations, following the rules, and being true to yourself.
• Identifying shoulds (compared to wants & needs)
• Self-compassion vs should-ing on yourself
• Sensing shoulds in body, heart, and mind
• Parts Work (Internal Family Systems - IFS) for uncovering the roots of shoulds
• Strategies for managing a to-do list of things that are important to you
Parts Work Questions mentioned in the show:
- Why is this important?
- How did this become important?
- What would happen if I did something else instead?
- Do I really want to do this? Or do it in this exact way?
Resources and People mentioned in the show:
- The Center for Nonviolent Communications Feelings & Needs Inventory
- Building Movement Project Social Change Ecosystem Map
- Racheal Cook
~ ~ ~
SMP welcomes your comments and questions at feedback@skillfulmeanspodcast.com. You can also get in touch with Jen through her website: https://www.sati.yoga
Fill out this survey to help guide the direction of the show: https://airtable.com/appM7JWCQd7Q1Hwa4/pagRTiysNido3BXqF/form
To support the show, consider a donation via Ko-Fi.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Skillful Means Podcast.
I'm your host, jenniferO'Sullivan.
Well, here we are, the firstofficial episode in quite some
time.
It feels good to be back behindthe mic and I hope you're
excited to have the show back inyour feed too.
I don't know if I evermentioned it on the show before,
(00:30):
but I was a radio DJ back incollege and even though I was
often alone in the studio, Inever felt alone because we
interacted with our listeners.
A lot People called in all thetime, not just to request songs,
but also to find out what wasgoing on around town.
Radio used to be a communityhub, and that's the approach I'm
(00:53):
bringing to the show.
It's also why I'd like you tofeel like you can call in and
help guide the show and, thoughI can't play your favorite songs
, I can field your questions andtopic requests.
I've got three ways for you toshare your ideas.
One, fill out the survey linkat the end of the show notes.
Two, send me a text using thetext me your feedback link.
(01:17):
Or three, drop me a note theold-fashioned way via email at
feedback at skillful meanspodcastcom.
With that, let's get into it.
Ever feel like you're beingbombarded with hot takes I do,
especially right now, withAmerican scrambling to figure
(01:39):
out how to survive the next fouryears.
I'm still trying to figure outthat too, but what I do know is
that the answers lie withinourselves.
So today we're talking aboutgetting clarity when it feels
like everyone has an opinionabout what you should be doing
and how you should be doing it.
The onslaught of pushy hot takeadvice has been going on in a
(02:04):
lot of domains for a while, beit work-life balance,
self-development, parenting,nutrition, exercise.
Honestly, I can't think of anarea of life not touched by what
amounts to a lot of shoulds,and with everything happening in
the world right now, everyonehas a take on the right way to
(02:25):
show up.
The question my clients arebringing to me is how do I
balance it all while stayingtrue to myself?
This is, of course, a neatlittle summary.
What I'm really hearing is thatpeople feel overwhelmed and
don't know what to do.
They're tired and afraid, andmeanwhile they have all their
(02:49):
usual responsibilities to tendto.
And because hot takes aren'tnuanced, it's not surprising
that a lot of it doesn't feellike a good fit.
I want to break this questionhow do I balance it all while
staying true to myself, into twoparts.
The first half is aboutpriorities and time management,
(03:13):
and the second half is aboutgetting clear on what matters
most to you.
To the frustration of many ofmy IFS clients, ifs is not an
advice offering modality, andactually Buddhism isn't either.
Buddhist texts are full ofstories of the Buddha avoiding
(03:34):
direct questions about whatpeople should do.
What I've noticed is that whenmy clients focus in on their
values and what feels mostauthentically true to themselves
, then their to-do lists shrinka bit and the balancing act gets
a lot easier.
I'm not saying it goes away,but motivation.
(03:54):
Science will tell you thatpersonal investment is the fuel
that gets things done.
So before we can startaddressing how to manage all the
things, let's get clear onwhat's actually yours to manage.
To do that, we have to talkabout shoulds.
In its simplest form, a shouldis something that we experience
(04:17):
as a must-have or a must-do.
Now, shoulds aren't necessarilya bad thing.
Some reflect normal constraintslike following traffic laws and
taking care of your kids, andsome of our shoulds are an
expression of our core values.
So, as an example, one of mycore values is environmental
(04:39):
stewardship.
Some self imposed shouldsrelated to that include trying
to minimize my environmentalfootprint and supporting
businesses that share that value.
It does take work to evaluateall my options and sometimes I
have to say no to things that Iwant, but because those shoulds
relate to a value, I'm okay withthem.
(05:01):
However, a lot of our shouldsare given to us as conditions of
worth, which is a fancy way oftalking about other people's
expectations.
Conditions of worth come fromfamily of origin, communities we
belong to, religiousinstitutions, expectations we
picked up at school, and alsosocial media influencers,
(05:26):
self-styled thought leaders andself-help books.
These kinds of shoulds can bereally hard to sniff out and
scrutinize because we often pickthem up through osmosis.
Once we hear or observesomething enough times, our
brains are wired to adopt it asa pattern.
So how do we know what reallybelongs to us?
To start, let's compare shouldswith our wants and needs.
(05:50):
So ask yourself for a momentwhat would I want if I had
unlimited freedom and noconstraints?
In this situation, what would Iwant if I had unlimited freedom
and no constraints?
Try not to focus on thepracticalities.
Instead, notice what youranswer says about what really
(06:14):
matters most to you.
Similarly, what are yournon-negotiable needs?
This is probably a bigger listthan you think, because, in
addition to food, shelter andwater, we're also talking about
community sense of belonging,safety, support.
(06:35):
Add to the mix joy, playfulness, autonomy, purpose, meaning.
The Center for NonviolentCommunication has a needs
inventory that is full of thingsthat may surprise you, and I'll
put the link to that in theshow notes for you to check out
when you have a chance.
A really helpful activity is towrite down all your wants and
(06:59):
needs related to a decisionyou're trying to make, set a
timer and just bring them asmuch as you can come up with
under each category.
Then go through each one andask do I really want or need
this?
If the answer isn't yes, thenit could be a should.
Now use your best judgment whenit comes to things you may not
(07:24):
want to do.
Not a hard yes, but you stillkind of have to do, like the
taxes.
You don't want to throw themoff your list.
So we'll come back to findingshoulds a little bit more in a
second, but before we do I wantto say that unfortunately, some
of our parts have taken on thejob of ambassador for all those
(07:46):
external expectations.
In other words, some of ourparts absorb these beliefs as if
they belong to them and,depending on your history, it
may feel dangerous for some ofyour parts to have wants and
needs.
So we want to approach thisinquiry with a lot of
self-compassion.
Be gentle and patient with yourparts as you investigate their
(08:09):
beliefs.
You may have parts that feelreally ready to jettison some
shoulds, while other parts willpanic at the mere idea,
especially if those shoulds areconnected to significant others.
Shoulds are connected tosignificant others.
The Buddha counseled thatcompassion, karuna, should be
(08:35):
radiated outward in alldirections.
It's like a mood that we wantto adopt when we investigate the
roots of our suffering.
The last thing we want to do isjudge ourselves harshly for
taking on beliefs and strategiesthat likely made sense at the
time.
Any kind of self-judgment youknow you should be better than
this.
You should know this already isalso a form of shitting on
yourself, and it only adds tothe balancing act.
(08:57):
Instead, invite those parts toexplore the possibility that
setting down some of thosemust-haves and must-dos will be
a relief for them.
They won't have to work so hardto toe the line and other parts
will have less to juggle whenyour to-do list is streamlined.
(09:27):
Okay, so let's talk about otherways to become more aware of
shoulds.
Hearts take up residence in thebody, heart and mind.
This means that we can senseinto these places to gather
insights about shoulds.
So, starting with the body,when you're trying to determine
if I want or need truly belongsto you, take a moment to notice
(09:50):
the kinds of sensations thatarise when you think about it.
You might feel sensations bothin and around your body.
Now, everybody experiencesthings differently, but here are
a few common things I've heardfrom my clients.
Physical tension this can beall over, almost like a bracing
sensation.
(10:10):
While some people will feel agripping in a particular area of
the body, another tell thatsomething is out of alignment,
is feeling compelled in some way.
I experience other peopleshoulds as if someone is pushing
me from behind or pressing downon my shoulders.
(10:31):
For me it's like an outside infeeling, and heaviness is
another one, as if all theenergy is draining out of you.
Now, tension is a commonreaction to a lot of things, so
it could be something else.
But if you're listening tosomeone's take and you sense
your body trying to back awayfrom it, that's something to get
(10:53):
curious about.
Why is my body responding likethis?
Conversely, something thatfeels in alignment will feel
calm and relaxed.
You might even feel excited,like you can't wait to get
started, or you might findyourself leaning forward, as if
trying to take in more.
(11:15):
Now, the heart is the domain ofmood and emotion.
The clearest signal thatsomething isn't sitting right is
if you feel agitated emotionslike annoyance, irritation, even
anger.
Anything that feels like abacklash is something to take
notice of.
Unfortunately, we don't alwaysget such clear signals when it
(11:37):
comes to sniffing out shoulds.
This is because some parts ofus might already agree with the
should.
So when we sense into feelings,we might feel different flavors
of anxiety, such as confusionor indecisiveness.
These feelings point to innerconflict, and so if the
prevailing feeling is, I justdon't know, that's also worth
(12:01):
getting curious about.
On the other hand, when myclients start to feel aligned
with their true wants and needs,I see and hear signals that
point to coherence.
They speak about just knowing.
In my experience, I sense acenteredness or groundedness.
(12:22):
It feels right, and in Taoism,the earth element is associated
with clarity and insight.
So you might sense qualitiesthat are associated with
earthiness, stability, majesty,and one of the emotions
associated with earth element isfeeling comfortable in your own
skin associated with earthelement is feeling comfortable
(12:44):
in your own skin.
Authenticity is hard todescribe as a feeling, but I can
tell you what it definitelyisn't.
It isn't smushy or wishy-washy.
Alignment is a quietly powerfulfeeling.
Finally, parts use thecognitive powers of the mind to
(13:08):
tell us what they think and feelabout things.
If a voice inside of you issaying I should, we'll get
curious.
You don't need to reject thethought outright, but ask more
questions why should I?
Who says I should, who says Ishould Along similar lines.
(13:31):
Look out for phrases likesupposed to, must or ought to,
everyone is, it's expected, it'show it is.
Who else is going to do it?
Or, my favorite, a good,compassionate, caring,
responsible, etc.
Person would these phrases andothers like them?
They mask external pressure bymaking it seem like they're
universal truths or imperatives.
(13:52):
So look out for those.
And if you're asking yourself,after you've said yes to
something, why am I doing thisagain?
Get curious, why are you doingit again?
Then notice if any of thosephrases come up and listen,
(14:14):
because shoulds can also arisefrom our core values.
You may still choose to followthrough on whatever must be done
, but you'll do it with clarityand a sense of alignment.
Take notice, too, about howthese domains interrelate to one
another.
You might not have a realcohesion across all three
domains.
Your inner dialogue might befuzzy, while your body signals
(14:39):
are clear.
So, as an example, do you feelhesitant even though a part is
speaking with certainty?
I find that the body tends tobe more reliable, though not
always so.
Trust your instincts.
Trust yourself, because yourwhole self knows what you want
and need, even if some of yourparts aren't sure.
(15:17):
I want to give you a fewquestions that you can post to
your parts as a way ofinvestigating where your shoulds
are coming from.
Sometimes, realizing that youdon't actually believe the
underlying assumption of theshould is enough to shake it
loose, or you might discover atrailhead to explore further.
I recommend writing thefollowing questions down in one
color, then use another color tolet your parts share their
(15:41):
answers.
For the purpose of thisactivity, you don't need to know
exactly what part to address.
Just pose the question and seewhat comes up.
And for those of you who are ina car or otherwise indisposed
right now, don't worry, I'll putthem in the show notes for you.
So, first question why is thisimportant Now try to be
(16:07):
sincerely open to the answer,even if you have other parts
that want to contradict it.
Second question how did thisbecome important?
How did this become important?
This question can tease outwhether the expectation is
(16:35):
coming from outside or inside ofyou.
Third question what wouldhappen if I did something else
instead?
What would happen if I didsomething else instead?
What would happen if I didsomething else instead?
This is a soft way of askingthe part if it perceives any
consequences to not living up toan expectation, and it also
(16:57):
gives you an opening to offer upalternatives.
And the last one do I reallywant to do this or do it in this
exact way?
There's a good chance thisquestion will reveal some
(17:17):
internal conflict.
Some parts may say yes, andothers may go well, actually, or
yeah, but Try to take this inwith a sense of openness and
curiosity, because listeningdoesn't mean endorsing.
In the end, you get to takeeverything on board and decide
(17:38):
what you want to do.
These questions will help youbetter understand why some of
your parts may be hanging ontoshoulds that don't feel like
they belong to you, and thenthese data points can help you
take care of your parts,especially if you choose to let
go of the shoulds, you canreassure your parts that you'll
be with them, even if chartingyour own path feels
(18:02):
uncomfortable or scary.
Okay, back to the first half ofthe OG question, which was how
do I balance it all?
Hopefully your all list hasgotten shorter and you may
already feel a bit lighter, evenif you still have a lot to take
(18:23):
care of.
When you focus on things you'repersonally invested in,
motivation goes way up.
So, when it comes toprioritizing or balancing, focus
on what's most important andmeaningful to you and then work
your way outward from there.
A couple of reflectionquestions that might help you
(18:45):
are will this energize me ordrain me?
I'm not saying you shouldn't dothings that drain you.
Sometimes we have to Again thetaxes, but if something is going
to require a lot of you, thenmaybe something else on your
list has to go to the parkinglot.
Would I choose this if no onewas watching?
(19:13):
This is a tough one, but willlikely tease out really stealthy
shoulds, the kind that arerooted in cultural norms.
Okay, as an example and thismay surprise you, but I see this
a lot in my spiritual circleswhere there is a subtle,
implicit pressure to perform acertain role of quote spiritual
(19:36):
person, along with all kinds ofconventions that go with that.
So that might look likeexpectations about how
frequently and how long you'reexpected to practice you know to
be thought of as credible, orconventions around books you're
expected to read or thoughtleaders you're supposed to
(19:57):
follow.
Anyway, if the reason you feelcompelled to do something is
rooted in how others perceiveyou, ask more questions.
I totally get that.
Not everyone has the safety andprivilege to tell everyone to
bugger off so you can do yourown thing.
But at the very least, maybethere's a way to fulfill the
(20:19):
spirit of the thing rather thanthe letter of it, as a way of
reclaiming some sovereigntyaround it.
Also, on the subject ofprioritization, I really
appreciate Rachel Cook, whosebusiness advice I've been
following for years.
When planning and scheduling,she counsels people to account
(20:43):
for family and self-care first,with those schedule blocks in
place.
Then factor in your workschedule and commitments.
This is how you're going tobuffer against burnout by
building in the time you need toregenerate.
And because I know it's on alot of people's minds when it
(21:04):
comes to showing up for theresistance, focus on one or two
causes that are meaningful toyou.
Trust that other people willfill in elsewhere.
And I also recommend checkingout the Building Movement
Projects Social Change EcosystemMap, which I'll link to in the
show notes.
This map is an examination of10 different roles we can play
(21:28):
as members of movements, and theaha for me was that not
everyone is meant to be theorganizer and visionary which
are most of our role models.
So I was really getting hung uphere.
What I discovered is thatmovements also need a care team,
what I think of as the pit crew.
I felt so relieved seeing thoseroles on the list because I
(21:52):
didn't feel relaxed and assuredtrying to rally people.
It just wasn't my thing.
So check out the list andnotice what roles feel resonant,
what feels right for you.
I also recommend getting hyperlocal and in person if you can.
The number one thing I'vegleaned from the first year of
(22:13):
studying for my GDiv in positivepsychology is that everything
is better when we do it socially.
Find a local group to join orrecruit a buddy to work with you
.
So I guess my answer to thequestion of balancing it all
while staying true to yourselfis don't, because you can't,
(22:34):
especially if you don't believein all the things on your list.
Start with getting clear onwhat's most authentic and
meaningful to you.
Try to drop what isn't reallyyour priority.
Then work with what's left,knowing that you'll have to
compromise, but at least you'recompromising among things that
you truly care about.
(22:55):
Among things that you trulycare about.
And if you're still feelingpressured to do it all, ask
yourself who expects you to.
Okay, so that's my roomtemperature.
Take on this question,hopefully not coming in too hot.
I'd really love to hear howyou'd approach this question
(23:21):
about balancing it all andremaining true to yourself, and
I'd love to share your tips inthe next show.
So if you send me a text oremail with your thoughts, I
might gather them up and sharewith the listeners and, coming
up in two weeks, I'm uploading amini yin yoga practice with the
invitation to come home toyourself.
(23:43):
Wow, thank you for the gift ofyour time and attention.
Until next time, may you meeteach moment with courage and
compassion.
Welcome to Skillful Means Podcast.
I'm your host, jenniferO'Sullivan.
Well, here we are, the firstofficial episode in quite some
time.
It feels good to be back behindthe mic and I hope you're
excited to have the show back inyour feed too.
I don't know if I evermentioned it on the show before,
(00:30):
but I was a radio DJ back incollege and even though I was
often alone in the studio, Inever felt alone because we
interacted with our listeners.
A lot People called in all thetime, not just to request songs,
but also to find out what wasgoing on around town.
Radio used to be a communityhub, and that's the approach I'm
(00:53):
bringing to the show.
It's also why I'd like you tofeel like you can call in and
help guide the show and, thoughI can't play your favorite songs
, I can field your questions andtopic requests.
I've got three ways for you toshare your ideas.
One, fill out the survey linkat the end of the show notes.
Two, send me a text using thetext me your feedback link.
(01:17):
Or three, drop me a note theold-fashioned way via email at
feedback at skillful meanspodcastcom.
With that, let's get into it.
Ever feel like you're beingbombarded with hot takes I do,
especially right now, withAmerican scrambling to figure
(01:39):
out how to survive the next fouryears.
I'm still trying to figure outthat too, but what I do know is
that the answers lie withinourselves.
So today we're talking aboutgetting clarity when it feels
like everyone has an opinionabout what you should be doing
and how you should be doing it.
The onslaught of pushy hot takeadvice has been going on in a
(02:04):
lot of domains for a while, beit work-life balance,
self-development, parenting,nutrition, exercise.
Honestly, I can't think of anarea of life not touched by what
amounts to a lot of shoulds,and with everything happening in
the world right now, everyonehas a take on the right way to
(02:25):
show up.
The question my clients arebringing to me is how do I
balance it all while stayingtrue to myself?
This is, of course, a neatlittle summary.
What I'm really hearing is thatpeople feel overwhelmed and
don't know what to do.
They're tired and afraid, andmeanwhile they have all their
(02:49):
usual responsibilities to tendto.
And because hot takes aren'tnuanced, it's not surprising
that a lot of it doesn't feellike a good fit.
I want to break this questionhow do I balance it all while
staying true to myself, into twoparts.
The first half is aboutpriorities and time management,
(03:13):
and the second half is aboutgetting clear on what matters
most to you.
To the frustration of many ofmy IFS clients, ifs is not an
advice offering modality, andactually Buddhism isn't either.
Buddhist texts are full ofstories of the Buddha avoiding
(03:34):
direct questions about whatpeople should do.
What I've noticed is that whenmy clients focus in on their
values and what feels mostauthentically true to themselves
, then their to-do lists shrinka bit and the balancing act gets
a lot easier.
I'm not saying it goes away,but motivation.
(03:54):
Science will tell you thatpersonal investment is the fuel
that gets things done.
So before we can startaddressing how to manage all the
things, let's get clear onwhat's actually yours to manage.
To do that, we have to talkabout shoulds.
In its simplest form, a shouldis something that we experience
(04:17):
as a must-have or a must-do.
Now, shoulds aren't necessarilya bad thing.
Some reflect normal constraintslike following traffic laws and
taking care of your kids, andsome of our shoulds are an
expression of our core values.
So, as an example, one of mycore values is environmental
(04:39):
stewardship.
Some self imposed shouldsrelated to that include trying
to minimize my environmentalfootprint and supporting
businesses that share that value.
It does take work to evaluateall my options and sometimes I
have to say no to things that Iwant, but because those shoulds
relate to a value, I'm okay withthem.
(05:01):
However, a lot of our shouldsare given to us as conditions of
worth, which is a fancy way oftalking about other people's
expectations.
Conditions of worth come fromfamily of origin, communities we
belong to, religiousinstitutions, expectations we
picked up at school, and alsosocial media influencers,
(05:26):
self-styled thought leaders andself-help books.
These kinds of shoulds can bereally hard to sniff out and
scrutinize because we often pickthem up through osmosis.
Once we hear or observesomething enough times, our
brains are wired to adopt it asa pattern.
So how do we know what reallybelongs to us?
To start, let's compare shouldswith our wants and needs.
(05:50):
So ask yourself for a momentwhat would I want if I had
unlimited freedom and noconstraints?
In this situation, what would Iwant if I had unlimited freedom
and no constraints?
Try not to focus on thepracticalities.
Instead, notice what youranswer says about what really
(06:14):
matters most to you.
Similarly, what are yournon-negotiable needs?
This is probably a bigger listthan you think, because, in
addition to food, shelter andwater, we're also talking about
community sense of belonging,safety, support.
(06:35):
Add to the mix joy, playfulness, autonomy, purpose, meaning.
The Center for NonviolentCommunication has a needs
inventory that is full of thingsthat may surprise you, and I'll
put the link to that in theshow notes for you to check out
when you have a chance.
A really helpful activity is towrite down all your wants and
(06:59):
needs related to a decisionyou're trying to make, set a
timer and just bring them asmuch as you can come up with
under each category.
Then go through each one andask do I really want or need
this?
If the answer isn't yes, thenit could be a should.
Now use your best judgment whenit comes to things you may not
(07:24):
want to do.
Not a hard yes, but you stillkind of have to do, like the
taxes.
You don't want to throw themoff your list.
So we'll come back to findingshoulds a little bit more in a
second, but before we do I wantto say that unfortunately, some
of our parts have taken on thejob of ambassador for all those
(07:46):
external expectations.
In other words, some of ourparts absorb these beliefs as if
they belong to them and,depending on your history, it
may feel dangerous for some ofyour parts to have wants and
needs.
So we want to approach thisinquiry with a lot of
self-compassion.
Be gentle and patient with yourparts as you investigate their
(08:09):
beliefs.
You may have parts that feelreally ready to jettison some
shoulds, while other parts willpanic at the mere idea,
especially if those shoulds areconnected to significant others.
Shoulds are connected tosignificant others.
The Buddha counseled thatcompassion, karuna, should be
(08:35):
radiated outward in alldirections.
It's like a mood that we wantto adopt when we investigate the
roots of our suffering.
The last thing we want to do isjudge ourselves harshly for
taking on beliefs and strategiesthat likely made sense at the
time.
Any kind of self-judgment youknow you should be better than
this.
You should know this already isalso a form of shitting on
yourself, and it only adds tothe balancing act.
(08:57):
Instead, invite those parts toexplore the possibility that
setting down some of thosemust-haves and must-dos will be
a relief for them.
They won't have to work so hardto toe the line and other parts
will have less to juggle whenyour to-do list is streamlined.
(09:27):
Okay, so let's talk about otherways to become more aware of
shoulds.
Hearts take up residence in thebody, heart and mind.
This means that we can senseinto these places to gather
insights about shoulds.
So, starting with the body,when you're trying to determine
if I want or need truly belongsto you, take a moment to notice
(09:50):
the kinds of sensations thatarise when you think about it.
You might feel sensations bothin and around your body.
Now, everybody experiencesthings differently, but here are
a few common things I've heardfrom my clients.
Physical tension this can beall over, almost like a bracing
sensation.
(10:10):
While some people will feel agripping in a particular area of
the body, another tell thatsomething is out of alignment,
is feeling compelled in some way.
I experience other peopleshoulds as if someone is pushing
me from behind or pressing downon my shoulders.
(10:31):
For me it's like an outside infeeling, and heaviness is
another one, as if all theenergy is draining out of you.
Now, tension is a commonreaction to a lot of things, so
it could be something else.
But if you're listening tosomeone's take and you sense
your body trying to back awayfrom it, that's something to get
(10:53):
curious about.
Why is my body responding likethis?
Conversely, something thatfeels in alignment will feel
calm and relaxed.
You might even feel excited,like you can't wait to get
started, or you might findyourself leaning forward, as if
trying to take in more.
(11:15):
Now, the heart is the domain ofmood and emotion.
The clearest signal thatsomething isn't sitting right is
if you feel agitated emotionslike annoyance, irritation, even
anger.
Anything that feels like abacklash is something to take
notice of.
Unfortunately, we don't alwaysget such clear signals when it
(11:37):
comes to sniffing out shoulds.
This is because some parts ofus might already agree with the
should.
So when we sense into feelings,we might feel different flavors
of anxiety, such as confusionor indecisiveness.
These feelings point to innerconflict, and so if the
prevailing feeling is, I justdon't know, that's also worth
(12:01):
getting curious about.
On the other hand, when myclients start to feel aligned
with their true wants and needs,I see and hear signals that
point to coherence.
They speak about just knowing.
In my experience, I sense acenteredness or groundedness.
(12:22):
It feels right, and in Taoism,the earth element is associated
with clarity and insight.
So you might sense qualitiesthat are associated with
earthiness, stability, majesty,and one of the emotions
associated with earth element isfeeling comfortable in your own
skin associated with earthelement is feeling comfortable
(12:44):
in your own skin.
Authenticity is hard todescribe as a feeling, but I can
tell you what it definitelyisn't.
It isn't smushy or wishy-washy.
Alignment is a quietly powerfulfeeling.
Finally, parts use thecognitive powers of the mind to
(13:08):
tell us what they think and feelabout things.
If a voice inside of you issaying I should, we'll get
curious.
You don't need to reject thethought outright, but ask more
questions why should I?
Who says I should, who says Ishould Along similar lines.
(13:31):
Look out for phrases likesupposed to, must or ought to,
everyone is, it's expected, it'show it is.
Who else is going to do it?
Or, my favorite, a good,compassionate, caring,
responsible, etc.
Person would these phrases andothers like them?
They mask external pressure bymaking it seem like they're
universal truths or imperatives.
(13:52):
So look out for those.
And if you're asking yourself,after you've said yes to
something, why am I doing thisagain?
Get curious, why are you doingit again?
Then notice if any of thosephrases come up and listen,
(14:14):
because shoulds can also arisefrom our core values.
You may still choose to followthrough on whatever must be done
, but you'll do it with clarityand a sense of alignment.
Take notice, too, about howthese domains interrelate to one
another.
You might not have a realcohesion across all three
domains.
Your inner dialogue might befuzzy, while your body signals
(14:39):
are clear.
So, as an example, do you feelhesitant even though a part is
speaking with certainty?
I find that the body tends tobe more reliable, though not
always so.
Trust your instincts.
Trust yourself, because yourwhole self knows what you want
and need, even if some of yourparts aren't sure.
(15:17):
I want to give you a fewquestions that you can post to
your parts as a way ofinvestigating where your shoulds
are coming from.
Sometimes, realizing that youdon't actually believe the
underlying assumption of theshould is enough to shake it
loose, or you might discover atrailhead to explore further.
I recommend writing thefollowing questions down in one
color, then use another color tolet your parts share their
(15:41):
answers.
For the purpose of thisactivity, you don't need to know
exactly what part to address.
Just pose the question and seewhat comes up.
And for those of you who are ina car or otherwise indisposed
right now, don't worry, I'll putthem in the show notes for you.
So, first question why is thisimportant Now try to be
(16:07):
sincerely open to the answer,even if you have other parts
that want to contradict it.
Second question how did thisbecome important?
How did this become important?
This question can tease outwhether the expectation is
(16:35):
coming from outside or inside ofyou.
Third question what wouldhappen if I did something else
instead?
What would happen if I didsomething else instead?
What would happen if I didsomething else instead?
This is a soft way of askingthe part if it perceives any
consequences to not living up toan expectation, and it also
(16:57):
gives you an opening to offer upalternatives.
And the last one do I reallywant to do this or do it in this
exact way?
There's a good chance thisquestion will reveal some
(17:17):
internal conflict.
Some parts may say yes, andothers may go well, actually, or
yeah, but Try to take this inwith a sense of openness and
curiosity, because listeningdoesn't mean endorsing.
In the end, you get to takeeverything on board and decide
(17:38):
what you want to do.
These questions will help youbetter understand why some of
your parts may be hanging ontoshoulds that don't feel like
they belong to you, and thenthese data points can help you
take care of your parts,especially if you choose to let
go of the shoulds, you canreassure your parts that you'll
be with them, even if chartingyour own path feels
(18:02):
uncomfortable or scary.
Okay, back to the first half ofthe OG question, which was how
do I balance it all?
Hopefully your all list hasgotten shorter and you may
already feel a bit lighter, evenif you still have a lot to take
(18:23):
care of.
When you focus on things you'repersonally invested in,
motivation goes way up.
So, when it comes toprioritizing or balancing, focus
on what's most important andmeaningful to you and then work
your way outward from there.
A couple of reflectionquestions that might help you
(18:45):
are will this energize me ordrain me?
I'm not saying you shouldn't dothings that drain you.
Sometimes we have to Again thetaxes, but if something is going
to require a lot of you, thenmaybe something else on your
list has to go to the parkinglot.
Would I choose this if no onewas watching?
(19:13):
This is a tough one, but willlikely tease out really stealthy
shoulds, the kind that arerooted in cultural norms.
Okay, as an example and thismay surprise you, but I see this
a lot in my spiritual circleswhere there is a subtle,
implicit pressure to perform acertain role of quote spiritual
(19:36):
person, along with all kinds ofconventions that go with that.
So that might look likeexpectations about how
frequently and how long you'reexpected to practice you know to
be thought of as credible, orconventions around books you're
expected to read or thoughtleaders you're supposed to
(19:57):
follow.
Anyway, if the reason you feelcompelled to do something is
rooted in how others perceiveyou, ask more questions.
I totally get that.
Not everyone has the safety andprivilege to tell everyone to
bugger off so you can do yourown thing.
But at the very least, maybethere's a way to fulfill the
(20:19):
spirit of the thing rather thanthe letter of it, as a way of
reclaiming some sovereigntyaround it.
Also, on the subject ofprioritization, I really
appreciate Rachel Cook, whosebusiness advice I've been
following for years.
When planning and scheduling,she counsels people to account
(20:43):
for family and self-care first,with those schedule blocks in
place.
Then factor in your workschedule and commitments.
This is how you're going tobuffer against burnout by
building in the time you need toregenerate.
And because I know it's on alot of people's minds when it
(21:04):
comes to showing up for theresistance, focus on one or two
causes that are meaningful toyou.
Trust that other people willfill in elsewhere.
And I also recommend checkingout the Building Movement
Projects Social Change EcosystemMap, which I'll link to in the
show notes.
This map is an examination of10 different roles we can play
(21:28):
as members of movements, and theaha for me was that not
everyone is meant to be theorganizer and visionary which
are most of our role models.
So I was really getting hung uphere.
What I discovered is thatmovements also need a care team,
what I think of as the pit crew.
I felt so relieved seeing thoseroles on the list because I
(21:52):
didn't feel relaxed and assuredtrying to rally people.
It just wasn't my thing.
So check out the list andnotice what roles feel resonant,
what feels right for you.
I also recommend getting hyperlocal and in person if you can.
The number one thing I'vegleaned from the first year of
(22:13):
studying for my GDiv in positivepsychology is that everything
is better when we do it socially.
Find a local group to join orrecruit a buddy to work with you
.
So I guess my answer to thequestion of balancing it all
while staying true to yourselfis don't, because you can't,
(22:34):
especially if you don't believein all the things on your list.
Start with getting clear onwhat's most authentic and
meaningful to you.
Try to drop what isn't reallyyour priority.
Then work with what's left,knowing that you'll have to
compromise, but at least you'recompromising among things that
you truly care about.
(22:55):
Among things that you trulycare about.
And if you're still feelingpressured to do it all, ask
yourself who expects you to.
Okay, so that's my roomtemperature.
Take on this question,hopefully not coming in too hot.
I'd really love to hear howyou'd approach this question
(23:21):
about balancing it all andremaining true to yourself, and
I'd love to share your tips inthe next show.
So if you send me a text oremail with your thoughts, I
might gather them up and sharewith the listeners and, coming
up in two weeks, I'm uploading amini yin yoga practice with the
invitation to come home toyourself.
(23:43):
Wow, thank you for the gift ofyour time and attention.
Until next time, may you meeteach moment with courage and
compassion.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!