Why You Resist What You Want Most: The Psychology of Self- Sabotage, Cognitive Dissonance & Finally Going for Your Dreams

I get it... why is it always the things we desire the most that have the most resistance within our lives? Lets dive in <3

https://hoo.be/sundazedkk Join the community <3

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Today we are going to be talkingabout one of my favorite
paradoxes of all time. Why do we have so much
resistance for the things that matter most to us?
Why do we have so much resistance and stuckness and
self sabotage around the dreams that we really desire?
Why do we feel like, but like all we need to do is like move

(00:24):
our body and get this energy outand like reset our nervous
system and yet we have so much resistance to going to the gym
or going to that yoga class or that workout class.
Why do we have this resistance even though we know it's what we
want, what we desire and what isgood for us?

(00:47):
This fascinates me so much. And if you have felt this way
before, you are not alone. This is a human thing.
So I'm Kayla Rose, this is skinny dipping.
It's skinny dipping summer. I know for my people in like
Australia and New Zealand, I know you're like, it's not
summer and I'm like, I'm sorry, but here is the energy of skinny
dipping summer. We're passing it to you.

(01:08):
It's more creative, it's more connected, it's more expressive
than ever and just prioritizing really what lights us up.
That's what it's about and todayI want to make sure that you can
overcome this resistance in the self sabotage so you can
actually live out your God-givenpurpose.

(01:30):
Like the gifts that you were given.
You were not given these dreams and these gifts and these wishes
for no reason. It's not coincidental.
It's genuinely because you are meant to carry these things
through to the world for other people as well, for the greater
collective. What is up, guys?
I'm Kayla Rose, your host, and if you're new here, this is

(01:53):
Skinny dipping, the podcast where we strip down and we dive
in, metaphorically, of course. But if you want to go skinny
dipping in a little and a littlelake or you know, in the ocean
at midnight underneath the full moon, I'm right there with you.
You, you're my type of girl. Make sure before we dive into
this episode that you share withus where you are listening to
this episode, whether it's on a TikTok or it's on your Instagram

(02:17):
story. Tag me at Sundays KK and at
Skinny Dipping Diaries for the podcast.
Because you know, it makes my life when I get to see where you
guys are listening and just really, yeah, feeling like I'm
not talking to myself in this camera right now.
Like knowing that you guys are out there and that there is real

(02:38):
community and real amazing humans who we have a lot in
common. Honestly, like that is fucking
amazing to me. And if you want to go even one
step further and you want to meet all these amazing humans,
join the soul and progress community.
I post like meditations, breathworks, all those things.
But I'm not about to plug it. You know where to find it below.
But let's just strip down, dive in.
Because if you have felt this resistance before in life, I

(03:00):
want you to know that you are not broken.
Like there is a scientific reason.
There are multiple scientific reasons for why you feel this
resistance to things that you really fucking care about.
And you're not broken. Nothing's wrong with you.
But in fact, you just have theseparts of you that rather keep

(03:21):
you comfortable, that rather keep you protected, that rather
keep you in this box because they think it's safer for you.
So we're going to dive into the scientific reasonings and then
we're going to dive into the emotional reasonings.
And then we're going to talk about like, what do we do about
all of this and how do we actually apply it and, and not
just like stare at our wounds forever, Like how do we actually

(03:41):
shift and evolve and change? So to rephrase these questions,
so you know what we are diving into, why do we have resistance
to the dreams we really want? Why do we want to work out and
move our body when we're low andwe know that it's scientifically
proven to make us feel better and we still have that
resistance and we and we don't want to do it.

(04:03):
We don't want to get to the gym,But as soon as you're done,
you're like, thank God I went. It's it reminds me of like when
I was in ballet class when I wasa kid, my mom, I would like come
home from middle school. I remember and I would cry to my
mom, I'd be like, please don't make me go to ballet.
Like, even though I know that was part of my structure, that
was part of my meditation that Ihad when I was younger.

(04:26):
And she would always make me go.I would cry, I would bitch, I
would scream, I would go, I would come back.
I'd be like, oh, she was right. I don't know if I ever told her
she was right. But definitely looking back, she
was always incredibly right. And I always came home and I
always felt better. Or, for example, why do we
always cancel plans when we needconnection the most?

(04:49):
You know what I mean? It's like we know what's good
for us. We know what we need
intuitively, and still there areblockages.
So the first scientific reasoning.
Why? Let's get into it.
The brain is wired for survival,not success.
What does this mean? It means that your monkey brain,
your primitive brain, when it was evolving, its main purpose

(05:11):
was to keep you alive. So what it developed was this
love, this adoration for familiarity because the brain
was like, oh, if it's familiar, I can predict what's going to
happen. I'm going to keep us safe.
We're going to be good. We're going to pass on our genes
to the next generation. We're going to have babies.
We're keeping the human race alive.

(05:32):
And even though that is not our main motivation anymore, we
still have those primitive fear because the brain will
prioritize shielding you from discomfort.
And that's why anything that feels uncomfortable or
unfamiliar is going to have thisresistance.

(05:52):
And for example, you're really tired.
You're laying in bed. You do not want to get up to go
to that hot yoga class that you know, always brings you joy, but
you're really not feeling it. The brain is going to create
every excuse. It's going to be like, oh, I
don't know if I'm feeling well. I kind of had a little itch in
my throat. The brain is going to be like,
oh, so like maybe we'll see thatperson in that class.
We probably shouldn't go. You know, I'm going to create

(06:14):
this anxiety narrative so that I'm going to convince you not to
go. And the truth is that as soon as
you move past that discomfort and you go to the yoga class and
you sweat it out and you move your body and you kind of, you
know, encourage yourself. Not force or make yourself, but
encourage yourself. You know, the classic quote,
like we can do hard things. Like when you do those hard

(06:36):
things, when you do the work, life gets easier.
That's what my breath work mentor has been saying.
And that changed my life becauseit's so true.
Like when you push past that initial discomfort, when you
know something's going to be good for you, This doesn't mean
like in a nuanced way. This doesn't mean going against
your intuition when something inyour body tells you you're
uncomfortable. Like that is different.

(06:58):
Like a red flag that pops up in your intuition versus this
actual, like, I just don't want to, you know, but also sometimes
we will create a narrative. So that's when we need
discernment. There isn't a, there isn't like
100% strategy I can give you that's going to show you how to
connect your intuition versus when your brain is just doing

(07:21):
its primitive monkey thing. But just practicing discernment
will strengthen that muscle. And the more that you practice
that muscle, the stronger it's going to get for you and the
easier it'll be in the future todiscern.
OK, do I need to get up right now or is my body trying to tell
me something? There's so much nuance in this.
So I just don't want to be like,it's one way or another because
it's both in certain situations.The brain is wired for survival,

(07:43):
not success. And that's why sometimes we have
to push past that discomfort andkind of just give ourselves a
little talking to. Like, I treat myself like a
little kid. I'm like, I know you want to
rest, but maybe if we go to thisspin class, we can lay down and
scroll on Instagram afterwards. And I just kind of treat myself
like a kid and like encourage myself and I'm like, we can do

(08:03):
it later. That's what works for me, but it
might be different. What works for you with the
second scientific reason why youhave this resistance is
cognitive dissonance. So what is cognitive dissonance?
You may have heard of it before,but basically, in the simplistic
of terms, it's when your behaviors don't match your
desires. Like you're doing what you don't
want to be doing, but for some reason, you keep subconsciously

(08:27):
or just by like familiarity or in a habitual way, choosing the
same action over and over again.But it doesn't match your
desires. It doesn't match the future
reality that you want to create.And you know, in your conscious
mind, you know, I need to do XYZin order to get to the place
that I want to get in life. We know that, but we still have

(08:49):
this cognitive dissonance where our behaviors and our actions
aren't matching up. And this is really because of
neuroplasticity. So when you've done something
for a really long time, So if you're watching video on Spotify
right now, look at my puppy. She's so cute.
This is Lizzo. She's just sleeping on my foot
right now. But basically because of

(09:11):
neuroplasticity, when you've done something for a really long
time, it creates this neural pathway in your brain that you
go back to time and time again. And it's kind of like, I imagine
it like a mountain, and then water runs through and creates
divots that eventually create canyons like water.

(09:32):
You know how water flows and creates canyons and divots in
land. I imagine it's like that with
the neural pathways because the more water that flows on that
same path over and over again that the deeper the Canyon is
going to get and the more rootedyou're going to be in that
behavior. So the key is really just

(09:52):
practicing, right? You're always practicing
something, so make sure that what you're practicing is the
future behavior, even if it's not the familiar behavior.
So for example, with me, I had adeep Canyon when it came to my
emotional regulation with my partner.
If we had a disagreement, it would feel like I was

(10:14):
automatically escalating really quickly because that's the
pattern that I had taught my body to be in.
And sometimes it's like I didn'tneed to always feel that heated
or just like speak in a certain way.
So basically I realized that I would always go to that pattern

(10:35):
because that's the pattern that I was practicing every time
conflict came up. So now when conflict come comes
up, I take a moment, take a pause, try to like actually take
a deep breath or take myself on a walk.
And I just practice acting different.
Maybe just speaking in a calmer tone or maybe just really making

(10:59):
sure that I am careful and mindful and intentional with my
word. And I'm not saying things that I
don't mean and just being conscious of it, even though
it's not my initial reaction, it's not what I want to do in
that moment necessarily. But by just practicing, I'm
creating a new neural pathway through neural plasticity.

(11:20):
Because remember that, you know,neurons that fire together, wire
together, That's what they say. So even when you have this
cognitive dissonance, you can practice just getting closer to
your behaviors and your actions,aligning with your desired
outcome and your desired reality.

(11:42):
It is possible, but you just have to keep practicing until
you close that gap. Okay, The third scientific
reason that I wanted to talk about this isn't directly
related to this, but it's calledthe ironic processing theory.
And it's basically it's like theharder you push, the more
resistance there is. And I think that if you're

(12:02):
already burnt out because you'vebeen pushing over and over and
over again and you just, your body is long term dysregulated
from years and years and years of you pushing and not listening
to the natural cycles and the natural rhythms of your body.
It makes sense why you have all this resistance because it's
like the harder you push over time, our body just is like, I

(12:26):
don't want to do that anymore. And your body starts really
telling you how it feels. So that's why rest periods are
so incredibly important and learning what true rest means to
you because rest for me, you know, there's like the zone out
on the reality TV on the scroll and like that is a form of rest.
I'm not going to say that's not a complete form of rest because

(12:48):
I think there is some sort of restful energy that comes from
that. But you need to not only have
that as your one form of rest, you need to have like another
three forms of rest that feel like true rest.
For example, like when I go to my facial girl, my somatic
facial girl, she literally massages in your mouth and like

(13:09):
gets deep into your jaw, which for me is where I hold a lot of
unprocessed anger and a lot of unprocessed emotion.
Like that for me is truly restful because I'm not not
going to lie, sometimes it's really painful and it's deep and
it hurts. But for me, I know that I'm
actually just like relaxing for a solid 75 minutes or when I go

(13:29):
to like a massage. I'm kind of obsessed with
getting body work because for meit's one of my only true forms
of rest. Also having a really slow
morning that is a form of rest that I have and going on like a
trip with my significant other and being off my phone that is
like the ultimate rest that I absolutely love.

(13:51):
So, and then also for me, I feellike I love doing just like a
meditation at night when I'm really tired and just allowing
my body to truly just like, likelay into the ground and put my
weight into the ground. Yeah, it I want you to find, I

(14:13):
want you to journal about it this week.
What are three different ways that you feel you can truly
become restful for yourself? Because with the ironic
processing theory, we realize, OK, if we are so fucking burnt
out, we're not going to be able to have like push seasons in our
life, in our career, because we won't even have the energy for

(14:35):
that. And I think true energy comes
from when we rest and then the energy rises from within to
outside of us. It like comes from this internal
place. OK, now we're going to dive into
the emotional reasons why you may be having resistance to the
things that you know that you want, the desires that you have.

(14:56):
Why are you having this cognitive dissonance?
And could it be caused by your mindsets and your emotional
responses? So I think definitely what I see
within myself and within other people and people close to me is
that knowing that it's going to possibly take years to reach

(15:16):
your goal. And let me say that I don't want
to limit anybody with saying this, but it does take 10 years
to become an overnight success. And that always keeps me going
and makes me realize, OK, the day that you plant the seed is
not the day that you eat the fruit.
And I stand by that. And I think that scares a lot of
people and creates resistance because they think, oh, if I,

(15:38):
you know, I'm not going to get this instantaneous gratification
for what I'm creating. I'm not going to get the initial
praise. I'm not going to get the money
that I want right away. It creates a lot of resistance
because people don't not that they don't want to work for it,
but I think it seems so far awaythat they can't find the
motivation. And for me, I think looking at

(16:00):
case studies of people who I admire and love who did take 10
years to become an overnight success continues to keep me
motivated because I see that that is what it takes is that
consistent devotion over years. And by just kind of reasoning
with my brain, it kind of let's that blockage rest.

(16:20):
And I also want to say that as soon as you recognize a blockage
exists within you, as soon as you identify the resistance, it
already begins to clear because it has more power over you when
you are not aware of it. It has more power over you when
it is unconscious and subconscious within your being.
So when you become conscious of it, it already begins to kind of

(16:42):
unwind the story. So just notice for yourself, do
you have resistance to starting today because you know it's
going to take years and that is so human and that is so OK.
Can you acknowledge that and reason within yourself and be
like, OK, I'm going to look at somebody who I look up to.
Like I used to think about, you know, Jay Shetty, it took him so

(17:05):
long to be seen in the way that he's being seen.
Or I look at Victoria Monet, shewas in the industry for over 10
years before winning best new artist, which that is, that is a
crime. That is definitely a crime.
But I will say that when I look at these people, like Chapel
Roan, for example, you know, shewas on the streets busing.

(17:25):
And like seeing the people that you look up to that inspire you,
knowing what they've been through to get to where they are
now for me personally, inspires me to keep going on my path
because I know that it takes consistency and devotion and
dedication. And I just reason with myself.
And by giving your brain proof and being like, see these people
did it, See this is how long it takes.

(17:47):
And that's OK, It's OK, it's safe.
It doesn't mean that if it, you know, isn't going right in the
first year, it doesn't mean it'sa failure.
People fail over and over and over again before they become
successful. So can I allow myself to do that
because I want to be successful.And the truth is successful
people always say that you have to be willing to fail to be

(18:07):
successful. So the fifth reason, and I was
talking about this one with my friend the other day, my best
friend, and she was saying that she gets stuck in resistance
when she is waiting until she's already embodied in that craft,
in that job title in order to share it with the world.

(18:29):
So she doesn't feel comfortable sharing on social media, sharing
about her process and experienceuntil she feels like an expert,
till she feels like she's already in that world, till she
feels like she's already in, youknow, just yeah, that network of
people and in that industry. But the truth is, in order to

(18:49):
kind of get into that industry, sometimes you have to be willing
to put yourself out there beforeyou're at the top of the the
food chain. You have to start at the bottom
and put yourself in this beginner's mindset that is so
incredibly beautiful to practice.
Because let me tell you, when wepractice our beginner's mindset,
we learn how to destroy our fucking ego.

(19:12):
It is incredibly humbling and it's a beautiful practice to
teach ourselves that we are worthy and we are whole and we
are amazing and we are deservingand we can do it even when we're
a beginner and it seems like we're never going to get it when
it when it seems like we're never going to figure it out,
like we're never going to get tothat place.

(19:32):
Like, but we know in our heart that if you just keep going, you
will like everyone had to start somewhere.
And I think imposter syndrome steals a lot of joy and a lot of
motivation from people because they're like, how could I do it?
I don't have XYZ, this degree. I don't have, you know, this

(19:56):
experience. I don't have this, you know,
connection in the industry. And even though those things are
true and having certain advantages are incredibly
helpful, that's not a lie. I'm not going to sit here and
tell you that that's not true. And at the same time, that's you
making excuses for yourself because it's both.

(20:18):
And yes, that's true. And so many people have
surmounted beyond that. Do you know what I mean?
And by just starting, you will gain so much confidence.
And you know what drains your fucking confidence is telling
yourself that you're going to dosomething over and over again
and then not doing it, not keeping your word to yourself.

(20:38):
That drains your confidence literally more than anything.
And how do you get it back? You take a small step forward,
an actionable step towards your dreams or towards, you know,
moving your body and taking careof your health in a certain way.
Or, you know, you make that little step towards, you know,
hitting up that friend and goingout on a movie date with a

(20:59):
friend and, you know, getting more connected to people.
Like whatever it is that you need and you and you want stop
denying yourself of that becausethat's draining your confidence.
And if you take steps towards the things that you want each
time you will gain confidence. You will gain confidence even if
you aren't an expert or a masterin that industry that you want
to be in or you know, you don't feel completely comfortable in

(21:22):
front of people. You feel, you know, socially
awkward or socially anxious. It's like every time you go
against the discomfort and you put yourself in the position to
learn and be a beginner and try something new, each time it gets
easier and easier and easier andeasier and you get more
confident and more proud of yourself.
And it's just this momentum of confidence where you're like,

(21:48):
oh, I thought that I couldn't doit.
And then I did it. And that is the greatest
confidence that you can achieve.So what do we do?
We already talked about kind of,I felt like as I went, I was, I,
I was telling you about the waysthat I would maybe overcome each
of those pieces of resistance, whether it's a scientific
resistance or whether it's the emotional resistance.

(22:09):
But let's see what else I wrote in my notes.
OK, a quick little review. You know, we have resistance for
the things that we really want. Why is it the science?
Because the brain is wired for survival, not success.
It hates discomfort #2 we have cognitive dissonance where our
behaviors do not match our desired outcome, what we want in

(22:35):
life. And the truth is we just need to
keep practicing until we can close that gap.
And three, we have this ironic processing theory, which is
like, the harder we push, the more resistance we have.
So we need to allow this energy and this motivation and this
inspired action to come from this place of rest.
And then also we talked about, you know, knowing that things

(22:58):
take time and moving through that mindset blockage.
We talked about waiting until you're ready, waiting until
you're an expert, waiting till you have it all figured out,
this analysis paralysis. We talked about that.
So what do we do? Oh my gosh, it's so funny
because the brain will make up any, any excuse not to do

(23:18):
something. Like today, for example,
whenever I'm like, today is the day I record my brain and my
body will create so much resistance.
I will literally feel emotionally distraught because I
have so much resistance. And I create this drama or this
narrative or this storyline to get myself out of things that I

(23:39):
don't want to do. And it's so subconscious and
subtle. But once I realized it, I was
like, damn, like, why do I get sick when I have this thing
that, you know, I really wanted to do?
Or why do I, I feel so tired today when I have this thing I
really want to do. And the truth is as soon as I
sit down, as soon as I do the thing, I realize, oh, I love

(24:00):
this. I love being on the mic.
Why did I have so much resistance to it?
And that's like you with your dreams and your passions and
your art. As soon as you sit down and you
do it, you will realize, Oh my God, I love it so much.
This brings me so much joy. And the more you do that, the
more you teach your brain that joy is the motivation for
everything. So you're always practicing
something. So what are you going to be

(24:21):
practicing today? OK.
And with all of this being said,I feel like the thoughts that
come up for me is like, why can't I trust my brain?
And I know it can be frustrating.
And this is where discernment comes into play.
Can you learn how to discern when it is your intuition and
when it is your monkey brain just getting in the way?

(24:42):
Because, yeah, sometimes I feel like when I look at the science,
I'm like, damn, I can't always trust my brain because it's
going to tell me to not go to that workout class even though I
know that's what I want to do. But also, some days what I
really need is to give my body rest.
So how do I know? And that's why we need to
connect more and more and more to the trust muscle within our
body and our intuition. Because when we connect to our

(25:06):
inner voice, we actually build the relationship with it, and it
can become a lot clearer and a lot louder.
And when we have clarity with our inner voice, it's able to
help us with this discernment. And also, what did we learn
today? That doing the work makes life
easier. When you show up for the things
that you desire, you actually gain more momentum, you gain
more confidence, you gain more strength by doing the thing

(25:29):
instead of not doing the thing. Also, taking opposite action.
This is something Hatomi says that I love.
But taking opposite action from what your monkey brain is
saying. Because honestly, I've had so
much anxiety, like going on the most beautiful hikes in the
world, my monkey brain, my anxiety brain will say, oh, my
God, is this rock going to fall on me?

(25:49):
And like, I'm not going to make it out of here.
Like I will have these like, major intrusive anxious
thoughts. And like, I know now that I
can't always trust that monkey brain.
And that's OK. And I kind of just remind myself
that's not truth. And I have this kind of higher
voice, this trust muscle come inthat says you are safe.
This is beautiful. Look around you.

(26:10):
Get present in this moment, get present in your body and taking
opposite action and being like, let's jump off this waterfall
because this looks fun and somebody just did it and it
looks safe. So see brain, we're OK, let's
live our life. And I get it because I'm a girly
with anxiety. So if you relate to this at all,
I get you. I get you, I'm with you.

(26:31):
And sometimes we have to take opposite action and we need to
have discernment and make deeperconnections with our inner voice
and with our inner voice of discernment so that we can know
what what to do and when to trust our brain and when to just
be like shut up. And then also, I love the Rumi

(26:55):
parable, quote, poem, whatever you may call it that says when
you take the step, the path willappear.
That's not the actual poem, that's like a paraphrase.
But I love looking at all the things that we talked about
today and realize, OK, a lot of us have resistance because
resistance is fear, right? We have a fear of failing or

(27:16):
looking like we fail to other people or just feeling like, oh,
what I'm doing isn't enough. Once we do it, so we don't do it
at all. And that's so human, so normal.
But what I realized is that whenI take the step in front of me
and I just take one little step of action, even if I don't know
what the path looks like, even if I don't know what's next.

(27:37):
If I just take one little step forward, anything, whether it's
for my mental health, whether it's for my career, whether it's
for my relationship, whether it's for my friendships, whether
it's for my lifestyle. When I take that little step
forward, the next step appears and then eventually the whole
path is in front of me and I'm like, this is where I'm supposed
to be. I hope you guys love this

(27:59):
episode. I actually loved talking about
it because it's something I needed to process and go through
in my brain. If you love this episode, please
share it, tag us. And even if you don't want to
share it on Instagram, if you just like copy the link and text
it to your friend, your family, your cousin.

(28:20):
I don't know, to somebody that you love, that you feel like
would love this episode too, please send it to them.
Because, yeah, I just feel like this is such an important
episode because my intention with this episode was to have
whatever messages needed to comethrough me so that other people
can live out their dreams and their purpose for the

(28:40):
collective. Because the truth is, you have a
specific, not just one specific,maybe multiple specific reasons
for being here. But in this current moment, if
you do not feel like you are pursuing something fulfilling
for you, it doesn't have to be your career.
Your career doesn't have to be the fulfilling thing in your
life. But if you do not feel like you
have anything that is fulfillingto you, this is your sign that

(29:03):
you are ignoring that spark, that joy, that thing that is
knocking at your goddamn door and asking you to answer.
If it's your calling, it'll keepcalling.
So pick up the fucking phone. Take the next step.
The next path will appear. Please.
My my, just my literal prayer and and beg for you.

(29:23):
Beg for you. Hello.
Does that make sense? No, I'm begging for you and this
is my prayer for you. At the same time that you take 1
little step of action towards what you want to do this week.
Like I want to make an album, I want to drop an EP.
I'll tell you guys right now because you are my girls and I
have been ignoring it because there's so much resistance and
so much fear. But this week I'm going to take
one step towards it. Will you join me?

(29:46):
Message me what you're going to do, OK.
And let's do it together and drop in the soul and progress
community what you're going to do this week.
I love you guys. Happy skinny dipping summer.
Subscribe, follow. You know where to find us.
I love you guys. I'm Kayla Rose.
This is skinny dipping. Thanks for stripping down and
diving in with me, and let's just clear this resistance out

(30:10):
and take some opposite action Bye.