July 31, 2023 • 33 mins
Imagine you're six months into a challenge, fully expecting to emerge victorious, but it doesn't quite unfold as you envisioned. That's exactly what happened to me, and I'm here to share my journey and the potent lessons it taught me about managing disappointment and using it as a powerful catalyst for growth. This episode is a heartfelt exploration of how to harness the power of disappointment, transforming it from a debilitating experience into a springboard for resilience and personal betterment.
Have you ever wondered how you can use disappointments to fuel your growth? Here, I share my story of a family trip that went astray, my struggle with expectations, and how I found strength in my loved ones during those tough times. We dive into the art of setting boundaries, managing expectations, and staying resilient even when everything seems to be going south. I impart key insights into reshaping our reactions to disappointment and shifting our mindset from the victim to the victor.
As we journey through this episode, we look at how to find opportunities amid disappointments. I delve into practical strategies for developing trusting relationships and managing expectations during challenging times. Remember, no setback is too big to overcome. With the right mindset, we can transform our disappointments into stepping stones towards our best selves. So, buckle up and get ready to convert your disappointments into victories, and remember, you're stronger than you think.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the smart, wealthy stylist podcast.
I'm your host, emily Cardin.
Over here.
We're dedicated to helpinghairstylists manage their
finances, stay organized,healthy and manage their time
and mental well-being.
We focus on staying healthy inall areas of life and maximizing
productivity.
If you're a hairstylist lookingfor these things, then this is
(00:23):
the podcast for you.
Together, we'll avoid burnoutand step into being the smartest
, wealthiest stylist that we canbe.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Welcome back to the smart, wealthy stylist podcast.
So today we are going to talkabout dealing with
disappointment.
You know, part of life isdealing with disappointment and
we can either embrace it or letit affect us negatively.
Being disappointed in yourspouse or colleague, or because
(00:56):
a client left you, they all feelthe same that looming
negativity Throughdisappointment.
We all have a choice.
We can choose to either justgive it into that and be sad,
angry, depressed.
You know just all thosenegative feelings that rise up
inside of us whenever we'redisappointed, and you can either
(01:20):
wallow in that or you canchoose to rise up above those
feelings and let thedisappointment make you better.
But how can disappointment makeus better?
Well, I have a little story toshare.
So over the last six months Ihave been doing a challenge.
It was a $50,000 challenge andit was a lifestyle challenge.
(01:44):
It's through the company that Iwork out with, called PowerFit.
I was so confident that I wasat least going to be in the top
three because over the last sixmonths I have radically changed
everything that I do how I spendmoney, how I handle my mornings
, how I work out, how I eat, howI basically how I do everything
(02:09):
.
Everything in my life haschanged and it's been for the
better.
But when people want to talkabout lifestyle changes, I have
literally changed how I doeverything.
So this challenge was alifestyle challenge.
However, it also deals with,you know, working out, because
it's through PowerFit, which isa workout company, like they
(02:30):
want to see body changes.
But it wasn't just body changesthey were looking for.
They were looking for truelifestyle change over a six
month time span, and so when theresults came out, I didn't even
make top 25.
At first I was like you have gotto be kidding me how Like I've
(02:54):
literally changed everythingthat I am, like every aspect.
And I was really sad and kindof crushed and my first reaction
was I did all of this fornothing.
And then immediately I felt acheck in my spirit.
Like hey, for nothing, look atwhat you've created, look at
(03:18):
what you've done, look at yourbody, look how much stronger you
are.
And that's when it hit me likedisappointment doesn't always
have to be a bad thing andhaving that positive mindset and
that victor over victim mindset, like we can either choose to
(03:39):
be a victim or we can choose tobe a victor and win over the
challenge or the disappointmentthat we're facing.
So I wanted to reassess like,what does that look like?
Like, what is the best way toovercome this disappointment?
What's going to fuel mybetterment still while I'm on
(04:02):
this journey, while I'm dealingwith this disappointment?
And I looked up the definitionof a victor, and a victor is a
person who defeats an enemy oran opponent in a battle, game or
competition.
So for me, I thought okay, so Iwant to defeat disappointment
(04:25):
with grace and strength, and Iwant to figure out how
disappointment can make mebetter.
So I will remind myself that,no matter what has happened or
what's about to happen, I willchoose to look for the victory
and the wins.
In that situation, I can't letthe negative feelings rise up
(04:46):
when I'm thinking about what I'mgoing to accomplish.
So right after the Power FitChallenge, I saw that they're
doing another challenge.
I mean right back on, back,like they announced it on Sunday
, and the new six week challengestarts Sunday and I thought
should I skip this one out orshould I, you know, just go
ahead and take it on?
(05:07):
So I thought you know what?
It's only a $25 investment.
I'm going to make thiscompetition my battle cry.
If you will like I am going tochoose to get up out of that
disappointment and be a victorover this and go.
Okay, I know how I failed thefirst time and I'm going to
(05:32):
shift this so.
And that brought me back toanother point.
You know, all of this wasn'tfor nothing, because had this
been six months ago, before allof this self education, self
exploration, you know, findingout who I am to the core and
finding out what I'm capable ofthrough exercise and mental
(05:52):
health and self education, likeI wouldn't have been here.
That's a victory in itself,like finding the silver lining
in your failures.
But I know that even if thedisappointment isn't in yourself
, if you're findingdisappointment in other people,
(06:14):
like maybe you've been cheatedon by a spouse, or maybe you
know a coworker through youunder the bus, or you know a
child did something youspecifically asked them not to
do most of the time, there is apoint in time where you can
shift your perspective to say,okay, what did I learn from this
(06:35):
situation?
You know how can we bring thisback to where you have a victor
mindset, because some of thesethings are really ugly and awful
and hard to face, like mine's awalk in the park, compared to
what some of my friends andfamily members and clients are
going through.
So how do we shift into avictor mindset when you're
(06:58):
literally dealing with an affair?
You know it is possible.
But back to what I was saying aminute ago.
You know I am using this sixweek challenge as an opportunity
to see the silver lining.
No, I didn't win the bigchallenge.
This six week challenge is athousand dollar payout Not
(07:20):
$40,000, but that would still behelpful towards my goal of
getting out of debt and Ithought okay, here's my
opportunity.
I'm gonna work harder and I amgoing to be extra diligent in my
food.
I'm going to work out five daysa week.
(07:42):
I'm going to do everything inmy power to become the best I
can be in the six weeks and Ieven chose a workout that I
don't love but I know it's goingto really challenge me.
Through PowerFit, they have liketons of different workout
programs.
Each one has a beginner,intermediate and advanced level
and then they have at home or atgym workouts.
(08:05):
Well, I pretty much onlyworkout at home.
So I'm doing the bikini body athome intermediate.
So I'm really pushing myself.
I'm not just doing the beginnerone Like I'm going to make this
difficult for myself, butsomething that I can accomplish.
(08:26):
And then I'm going to reallycut down and do like a macro
deficit you know, like really ornot macro deficit, a caloric
deficit and really bring mycalories down and see how much
of a cut I can do in the sixweeks, because for six months I
have been building muscle andbuilding my form and really
(08:48):
making my body stronger, so I'mready to uncover all those
muscles that I've been buildingall this time.
So you know, I could have saidscrew it, I didn't win, I am
over this like where's the icecream.
But I chose, instead of in thatmoment of disappointment, I
allowed myself to feel it for aminute and then I was like okay,
(09:11):
yes, I'm sad, yes I'mdisappointed, but the cool thing
is that I'm not just.
The cool thing is that twogirls on my small group team,
like my coach, madeline, madetop 25.
And then another girl in oursmall group got third place.
So I was able to celebrate withthem and, you know, just really
(09:36):
build them up and show themlike wow.
You know I'm sad that I didn'tget it, but oh my gosh, like
this is amazing for you.
I'm so happy for you and Igenuinely was.
I know how hard that theyworked alongside me too, you
know.
So that was a nice thing too tosee.
Like, okay, I didn't get it,but two people that I know did
(09:57):
place and one got third place,and like this is seriously
amazing stuff.
So I'm just using this as anopportunity for my victory cry.
You know, like, and even if Idon't win this challenge, I am
okay with that, because I knowat the end of the six weeks I'm
going to be better in myselfthan I was today.
(10:22):
So choosing that victory overvictim mentality can help you
get through thosedisappointments, especially if
it's self disappointment,because you're the only person
that can change that.
So, going back to what Itouched on a little bit earlier,
what if it's a coworker or yourspouse?
Or what if your favorite frameart foil design is getting
(10:44):
discontinued?
What if your favorite TV showis in its last season?
What if there's literallynothing you can do about the
other person's actions orsomething that is occurring in
the world?
Or you know cause even all thiscrazy stuff in the world, like
apparently there's aliens now,you know.
So what then?
How do we handle disappointmentwhenever it is completely out
(11:08):
of our control and it hasnothing to do with us.
The very first thing is to allowyourself to feel those feelings
.
Like I said when I was goingthrough my own disappointment
thing this last week, justsaying oh that sucks, I'm sad
about this, or I'm mad aboutthis, or you know, allow
(11:32):
yourself to feel those feelingsat first being rejected, let
down, betrayed.
You know it can cause sadness,anxiety, anger.
You know, whatever thosefeelings are, don't just shove
them back down.
Humans are wired to formtrusting, stable relationships
with others and to turn topeople we love for support.
(11:54):
I mean, look back to ourancestors.
You know they lived in tribesand I mean it was literally that
saying it takes a village.
It really does.
I mean, having those corepeople in your life is very
important and then when one ofthose people let you down or
disappoint you, it can be very,very painful.
(12:17):
And while you're feeling thosefeelings, kind of look back and
think okay, because sometimes Iknow I have reacted out of a
place of disappointment verystrongly because of something in
my past that has nothing to dowith this person, like I can't
even think of an example, butyour past will fuel your
(12:37):
reactions a lot of times, and sosometimes just stepping back
and going, okay, why am Ireacting so strongly to this and
how can I adjust this, you know, but still allowing yourself to
feel those feelings and doingsome self reflection and
understanding why you're feeling, the way that you're feeling,
(12:58):
is important.
But then, after you felt that,acknowledge your unmet needs.
So once you can kind of stepback and say, okay, why am I
feeling this way, you will beable to pinpoint why you're
feeling that way.
What is the need that istriggering that reaction?
(13:19):
So maybe you and your husbandhad scheduled a date night and
you were so excited.
And then you know, a kid gotsick, or or your mother-in-law
that was supposed to watch yourchildren canceled last minute.
Is it, are you upset about thedis, about the date night, and
(13:41):
you're disappointed about thedate night because you just
really craved that one on onetime with your spouse?
Or was it because you needed aminute away from your child?
Or was it because you thoughtthat your mother-in-law was
finally going to come throughand she didn't?
Looking at all of thosefeelings and going, okay, this
(14:01):
is why I'm upset.
And then you know, noting thatand saying to yourself okay,
it's because my mother-in-lawcan't be.
You know, I just can't trusther.
Every single time we make plans, she never comes through.
Once you figure out what thatneed is, then you can say okay,
is this something I can workthrough myself or is this
(14:22):
something that there needs to beaction taken?
Is this something that you needto confront your mother-in-law
about or is this something thatyou can just say okay, we know
that she can't be trusted.
We're going to have to find adifferent caretaker for our
children.
If we want to do a date night,and, instead of getting so upset
and wanting to go bust her doordown, say, okay, I understand
(14:45):
that this is a reoccurring thing.
This is something we are goingto have to adjust.
And rising up above thatdisappointment and becoming a
victor you know that victormindset bring it back around and
say okay, well, we both havethe night off, we're going to
have our kids, let's make it afamily fun night, or you know
(15:05):
whatever.
So, by taking that negativesituation and turning it around
for a positive and turn it intosomething exciting, you know,
change that disappointmentmindset, instead of sitting
there on your phones all nightbeing pissy at your
mother-in-law, change it around,make it a positive thing.
Now I understand that if you'redealing with a spouse cheating
(15:32):
or you know someone committingsuicide or I mean there are some
very serious things that a lotof my people in my circle are
going through.
That does change the aspect ofthis.
But I have seen people who Ilove dearly go through an affair
and they have literally foundthe positive.
(15:54):
They under they have broken itdown, understood why the person
had the affair, how what theyneeded to change in their
marriage, how to rise above thisand, as a couple, have turned
to a Victor mindset and havesaved their marriage and have a
better marriage than 95% ofpeople in the world.
(16:16):
I would say All things can beused for good, as long as you
can turn that around and findthe positive in it, find a way
to rise up above thedisappointment.
It hurts and it stings and it'sugly and awful, but you can
always find a positive side.
(16:37):
I've seen so many of my lovedones lay and wallow in the
disappointment of their lives,of their decisions, and all they
do is continue to self-destructand make their lives worse for
themselves and worse for theirchildren.
And if they could simply turntheir shift their mindset to a
(16:59):
victor mindset and say, okay,yes, this sucks, but this is
what we can do about it.
Their lives would be so muchricher and fuller, they would be
so much happier, they couldmake huge changes and impacts in
their lives.
But they choose not to.
They choose to be the victimvictim of their own
circumstances or a victim ofsomething that has been done to
(17:22):
them.
They just choose to lay down inthat.
And I just wanna encourage youguys today to shift from that
victim mentality and shift intothe victor mentality and realize
that you are an overcomer andyou can get through this hard
season and come out on the otherside a winner, because I
(17:44):
believe in you, I believe inmyself.
I'm, you know, through thisnext six week challenge, I'm
going to prove to myself that Ican do this, like I can do
really hard things.
I already know that I can dothat, but I want to sift and
shift and refine my journey andmake myself even better, like I
(18:07):
wanna be continually leveling up.
There is times of rest andtimes of relaxation, and I'm not
saying it's like a constantgrind, but I want to continue to
level up, even in seasons ofrest, if that makes sense.
So another point to how toovercome this disappointment and
(18:27):
your life is to take care ofyourself.
Where are your unmet needs?
You know when you'redisappointed because your kids
don't help you clean the house,like, okay, do you need to make
them clean the house?
Make there be repercussions fornot cleaning the house?
Is this something that possiblyyou could hire a housekeeper?
(18:49):
Or ask your spouse to help pickup the slack?
Or figuring out what your unmetneeds are and why you're so
disappointed about what you'refeeling.
Maybe your spouse never helpsyou clean the house and you just
are really disappointed by that.
Like why won't he help me, youknow?
Or why won't she help me?
Like just figuring out what isthe root cause of your
(19:13):
disappointment and what's thefix for that.
So if you need help cleaningthe house and people are
constantly disappointing you,hire it out.
Get someone to help you.
It's not the end of the worldand if you don't have money for
it, cut your budget somewhereelse.
Figure out what's mostimportant to you, shift your
(19:34):
life into what you need and getyour needs met.
The next one is examine yourexpectations.
I am one of those people that Ivisualize how I think things
are gonna go and if they don'tgo that way, I'm very
disappointed.
There are so many times myhusband jokes about it, actually
(19:58):
, because he's always like youbuild it up in your head before
we go do whatever, and thenyou're super disappointed
because it's not what youthought it was gonna be, and
that is so true.
There has been so many times inmy life that I build something
up in my mind, thinking aboutyou know, visualizing how it's
going to be, how the situation'sgonna unfold, you know, and it
(20:23):
falls way short and then I'mjust really disappointed.
So what I do now is I set myexpectations super low, which I
know that this sounds like I'mnot saying that I expect people
to do their best.
I'm not saying like set yourexpectations low and then you'll
(20:46):
be satisfied, like I set myexpectations super high in my
personal self developmentrelationships, like all the
things I said I'm super high,but I'm talking about like date
night, or we actually just tooka trip to Chicago.
Let me just tell you guys aboutthis trip.
You guys are gonna die.
(21:06):
So we were going to Chicago.
Adam found a investmentopportunity and you know, for me
, I am all about that debtpayoff right now and the idea of
purchasing something is totallygoing against like everything
that I'm wanting to do at themoment.
(21:28):
But my husband I also want tosupport my husband.
He works hard for the money hehas and I wanna be supportive.
So, anyway, he found thisinvestment opportunity and in
Chicago.
It's a car, it's an investmentopportunity of a car and he's
(21:49):
like why don't we go pick thisup?
You know we'll drive it back,we can take the boys with us and
have a great little familyvacation.
And I'm like perfect, we'll flyinto Chicago, you know, take a
rental car to this auto museum,pick up the car and come home.
Perfect, this sounds great.
So I just like this is on aWednesday and we're planning on
leaving Friday night, spendingthe night at a hotel, leaving
(22:12):
out early Saturday morning,flying to Chicago, getting there
around like seven, getting inthe car or, you know, going,
getting the car and then drivinghome on Sunday.
So we're like, yeah, this willbe like a fun little crazy
weekend travel with the kids.
You know, we get to the airportSaturday morning, we drop, we
(22:33):
spend the night in SpringfieldFriday night and we get to the
airport Saturday morning and weget up to get our boarding
passes.
And I realized your girl boughttickets for August, not July,
so there was no flights for ourfamily of four to get on a plane
to go to Chicago.
(22:54):
And so I checked all aroundSpringfield Airport at the other
airlines and nobody had tickets.
So then we drove to NorthwestArkansas, to XNA, because I
found flights out of there, andwe hopped a plane there and on
the way there I was changing allof our reservations, you know,
(23:14):
because we were gonna be gettingin much later.
So we flew in to O'Hare andonce we get there we're standing
in line for like an hour and 45minutes trying to get our
rental car because they couldn'tfind our reservation, because I
had called and changed all thereservations online or over the
(23:35):
phone and luckily I wrote downmy confirmation number.
But, mind you, this whole timebefore we left I got really bad
poison IV and it got infected.
So I was on antibiotics, so Ihad like the worst diarrhea of
my life.
So while we're driving to, youknow, springfield, northwest
(23:56):
Arkansas, in the airport, I'mhaving to run to the bathroom,
like very frequently, and on theflight to Chicago I bled
through my pants on the planeand then I had to stand in those
pants for an hour and 45minutes in the rental car line.
We finally got our rental car,ran to the hotel room, obviously
(24:18):
to change my pants, and then wedrive to the auto museum and we
look at the car it's perfect,beautiful, adam drives it.
It's everything that he's everbeen dreaming of.
You know, is everything theysay it's going to be.
And before we left, you know, weobviously wanted to make sure
(24:38):
that financing was set up,everything was done so we could
drive the car home.
And he told the guy we areplanning on driving this car
home on Saturday.
We have a one-way ticket, we'reflying in, driving the car home
.
He's like no problem.
You know Adam was asking aboutfinancing and he said, yeah, we
have a guy.
And Adam's like okay, perfect,so we get there.
And obviously we got in later,much later than we were supposed
(25:03):
to get in, at like seven, andwe got in at like one.
And then by the time we gotthere it was after two.
And he's like okay, so likelet's get this done.
And he's like, oh well, thecredit unions right down the
street, but they closed at oneso they didn't have in-house
financing.
And the guy that he had was atthe credit union and it was
(25:27):
closed.
So then we didn't have a way toget home.
So then I had to call therental car company and try to
find a car to get home.
They won't let you because youhave to return the cars back to
O'Hare Airport, and so then wejust had to figure it out.
So we ended up buying same daytickets to get back home.
(25:48):
So this trip basically what wespent on this trip we could have
had probably a four dayall-inclusive with our family of
five to like a beach place, youknow.
So I was absolutely sick to mystomach because I'm like, oh
well, that could have paid offhalf of this, or that could have
done this, or I could havegotten a carpet, or I could have
(26:09):
invested that in the business,or blah, blah, blah, you know.
But instead of gettingdisappointed, I tried to shift
my mindset because the boys gotto ride an airplane twice.
They were absolutely amazingtravelers, you know, even though
everything totally sucked.
The auto museum was really cool, the food was good, the boys
(26:30):
were amazing.
I was so proud of them forbeing such awesome travelers
Like I could travelinternational with them, boys,
and they would be just fine.
So that's also nice, knowingthat they are really fabulous
travelers.
But you know, I had built up inmy mind this expectation of how
perfect this trip was gonna go.
Everything was just gonna be,you know, awesome.
(26:53):
Everything was gonna go smooth,which I mean our flights ran on
time and we didn't get strandedon an airport.
So you know there's that.
But I always build up thesesituations in my mind thinking,
you know, these are, this isgonna go this way and it's gonna
be perfect and it's gonna blowme out of the water.
My expectations are gonna bemet and da, da, da, da.
(27:15):
And then, when they don't, Iget really disappointed.
So, examining your expectationsof a person, of the situation,
of whatever you're dealing with,I'm not saying set your
expectations low, but don't beunrealistic and maybe just don't
(27:35):
set expectations.
I'm not sure what the answer isthere, but I know for me, what
I have started doing is tryingnot to shoot expectations over
the top.
Now, when it comes to mybusiness and and I'm not saying
don't believe in the best,because you know I believe in
speaking positively oversituations and I do expect the
(27:58):
best and I always tell myselflike my business is going to
flourish and I am going to beable to pay off all this debt in
a year.
I'm going to be able to betotally debt-free in five years,
including our home.
Like I speak positivity oversituations, I believe that we
are going to make strides and doimportant, powerful things.
(28:22):
But when it comes to like datenight and little things like
that, I'm just going okay, I'mnot setting expectations, I'm
just going to go with the flow.
That way, no matter whathappens, it's all good.
I'm not going to bedisappointed because I didn't
set expectations.
So, by examining yourexpectations can kind of help,
(28:45):
because you might want to adjustyour expectations and behavior
accordingly.
Thinking whether you know, areyou communicating your
expectations clearly and kindly?
You know, is this a good friendor a loved one?
Or, you know, try to assumegoodwill unless there is clear
evidence otherwise.
(29:06):
However, these people aretreating you.
You know they may not even knowyour expectations of them.
Are you communicating that withthem?
Are you telling them like hey,I really need you to be there
for me as a friend, like I needto see you at least like once a
month?
I really am.
I'm sad that we don't get toconnect or, you know, with your
(29:28):
husband and date night.
Maybe you need a date nightevery other week, you know.
Just say I need that time toconnect with you, like I have to
have this.
This is my expectation, becausethey may not even be aware,
they may be blissfully unaware.
You know that they think thatthey're doing exactly what they
should be doing.
They have no clue that you'reunhappy.
So, communicating yourexpectations, examining your
(29:52):
expectations and meetingsomewhere in the middle and then
the last one I'm all about thisset boundaries.
Set those boundaries if youneed to.
You know, if this person has apattern of disappointing you or
betraying you, think about whatyou need to do to protect
yourself.
If you've spoken up clearly tothe person and they still don't
(30:16):
wanna take responsibility orchange their behavior, how can
you take care of yourself inthat situation?
Does it make sense to see thisperson less often or do you
wanna, like keep therelationship more casual?
Like decide if this is someonethat you still want in your life
, or is it better if you cutties?
(30:37):
You may wanna let the personknow that you won't tolerate the
repeated broken promises, lies,disrespectful treatment,
whatever it is Like.
Let them know what theconsequences will be if they
continue to do you this way.
Boundaries can make you feelemotionally safe and they also
can help you restore, likeyourself, worth and self-respect
(31:00):
.
And you know, when you setthose boundaries and let the
other people be aware of them,that is freedom.
There's freedom in boundaries.
And sometimes boundaries areabsolutely necessary, necessary
to be set, because if you don'tset boundaries, those people
(31:21):
will just keep coming negativelytowards you and they're never.
If that type of person is sobroken that they can't give you
what you need, it's not yourresponsibility to fix them and
it's not your responsibility totake on their emotions or their
feelings or their problems.
Sometimes it's best to set aboundary and just step away from
(31:46):
that situation.
Disappointment can be hard andlife is hard, but there is some
amazing opportunities to shiftyour mindset and see the
positive side of things.
And you know, I hope that youhave taken something from this
(32:07):
episode that will help you shiftinto that victor mindset and
shift into a victorious way ofthinking and help you shift into
your best self.
It's always a joy doing thesepodcasts and I just really love
(32:29):
sharing my point of view withyou, and it means a lot to me
that you guys take your time outof your day to listen to my
podcast, so I hope you guys havean awesome day and I will catch
you on the next one.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
Thank you for listening in today.
If you have a burning questionor a topic you want me to cover,
leave a review and ask thequestion in the review.
This is the best way to getyour questions answered.
Just remember you are a smart,wealthy stylist and you are
capable of anything you set yourmind to.
I'll catch you later, don't bea stranger.
Welcome to the smart, wealthy stylist podcast.
I'm your host, emily Cardin.
Over here.
We're dedicated to helpinghairstylists manage their
finances, stay organized,healthy and manage their time
and mental well-being.
We focus on staying healthy inall areas of life and maximizing
productivity.
If you're a hairstylist lookingfor these things, then this is
(00:23):
the podcast for you.
Together, we'll avoid burnoutand step into being the smartest
, wealthiest stylist that we canbe.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
Welcome back to the smart, wealthy stylist podcast.
So today we are going to talkabout dealing with
disappointment.
You know, part of life isdealing with disappointment and
we can either embrace it or letit affect us negatively.
Being disappointed in yourspouse or colleague, or because
(00:56):
a client left you, they all feelthe same that looming
negativity Throughdisappointment.
We all have a choice.
We can choose to either justgive it into that and be sad,
angry, depressed.
You know just all thosenegative feelings that rise up
inside of us whenever we'redisappointed, and you can either
(01:20):
wallow in that or you canchoose to rise up above those
feelings and let thedisappointment make you better.
But how can disappointment makeus better?
Well, I have a little story toshare.
So over the last six months Ihave been doing a challenge.
It was a $50,000 challenge andit was a lifestyle challenge.
(01:44):
It's through the company that Iwork out with, called PowerFit.
I was so confident that I wasat least going to be in the top
three because over the last sixmonths I have radically changed
everything that I do how I spendmoney, how I handle my mornings
, how I work out, how I eat, howI basically how I do everything
(02:09):
.
Everything in my life haschanged and it's been for the
better.
But when people want to talkabout lifestyle changes, I have
literally changed how I doeverything.
So this challenge was alifestyle challenge.
However, it also deals with,you know, working out, because
it's through PowerFit, which isa workout company, like they
(02:30):
want to see body changes.
But it wasn't just body changesthey were looking for.
They were looking for truelifestyle change over a six
month time span, and so when theresults came out, I didn't even
make top 25.
At first I was like you have gotto be kidding me how Like I've
(02:54):
literally changed everythingthat I am, like every aspect.
And I was really sad and kindof crushed and my first reaction
was I did all of this fornothing.
And then immediately I felt acheck in my spirit.
Like hey, for nothing, look atwhat you've created, look at
(03:18):
what you've done, look at yourbody, look how much stronger you
are.
And that's when it hit me likedisappointment doesn't always
have to be a bad thing andhaving that positive mindset and
that victor over victim mindset, like we can either choose to
(03:39):
be a victim or we can choose tobe a victor and win over the
challenge or the disappointmentthat we're facing.
So I wanted to reassess like,what does that look like?
Like, what is the best way toovercome this disappointment?
What's going to fuel mybetterment still while I'm on
(04:02):
this journey, while I'm dealingwith this disappointment?
And I looked up the definitionof a victor, and a victor is a
person who defeats an enemy oran opponent in a battle, game or
competition.
So for me, I thought okay, so Iwant to defeat disappointment
(04:25):
with grace and strength, and Iwant to figure out how
disappointment can make mebetter.
So I will remind myself that,no matter what has happened or
what's about to happen, I willchoose to look for the victory
and the wins.
In that situation, I can't letthe negative feelings rise up
(04:46):
when I'm thinking about what I'mgoing to accomplish.
So right after the Power FitChallenge, I saw that they're
doing another challenge.
I mean right back on, back,like they announced it on Sunday
, and the new six week challengestarts Sunday and I thought
should I skip this one out orshould I, you know, just go
ahead and take it on?
(05:07):
So I thought you know what?
It's only a $25 investment.
I'm going to make thiscompetition my battle cry.
If you will like I am going tochoose to get up out of that
disappointment and be a victorover this and go.
Okay, I know how I failed thefirst time and I'm going to
(05:32):
shift this so.
And that brought me back toanother point.
You know, all of this wasn'tfor nothing, because had this
been six months ago, before allof this self education, self
exploration, you know, findingout who I am to the core and
finding out what I'm capable ofthrough exercise and mental
(05:52):
health and self education, likeI wouldn't have been here.
That's a victory in itself,like finding the silver lining
in your failures.
But I know that even if thedisappointment isn't in yourself
, if you're findingdisappointment in other people,
(06:14):
like maybe you've been cheatedon by a spouse, or maybe you
know a coworker through youunder the bus, or you know a
child did something youspecifically asked them not to
do most of the time, there is apoint in time where you can
shift your perspective to say,okay, what did I learn from this
(06:35):
situation?
You know how can we bring thisback to where you have a victor
mindset, because some of thesethings are really ugly and awful
and hard to face, like mine's awalk in the park, compared to
what some of my friends andfamily members and clients are
going through.
So how do we shift into avictor mindset when you're
(06:58):
literally dealing with an affair?
You know it is possible.
But back to what I was saying aminute ago.
You know I am using this sixweek challenge as an opportunity
to see the silver lining.
No, I didn't win the bigchallenge.
This six week challenge is athousand dollar payout Not
(07:20):
$40,000, but that would still behelpful towards my goal of
getting out of debt and Ithought okay, here's my
opportunity.
I'm gonna work harder and I amgoing to be extra diligent in my
food.
I'm going to work out five daysa week.
(07:42):
I'm going to do everything inmy power to become the best I
can be in the six weeks and Ieven chose a workout that I
don't love but I know it's goingto really challenge me.
Through PowerFit, they have liketons of different workout
programs.
Each one has a beginner,intermediate and advanced level
and then they have at home or atgym workouts.
(08:05):
Well, I pretty much onlyworkout at home.
So I'm doing the bikini body athome intermediate.
So I'm really pushing myself.
I'm not just doing the beginnerone Like I'm going to make this
difficult for myself, butsomething that I can accomplish.
(08:26):
And then I'm going to reallycut down and do like a macro
deficit you know, like really ornot macro deficit, a caloric
deficit and really bring mycalories down and see how much
of a cut I can do in the sixweeks, because for six months I
have been building muscle andbuilding my form and really
(08:48):
making my body stronger, so I'mready to uncover all those
muscles that I've been buildingall this time.
So you know, I could have saidscrew it, I didn't win, I am
over this like where's the icecream.
But I chose, instead of in thatmoment of disappointment, I
allowed myself to feel it for aminute and then I was like okay,
(09:11):
yes, I'm sad, yes I'mdisappointed, but the cool thing
is that I'm not just.
The cool thing is that twogirls on my small group team,
like my coach, madeline, madetop 25.
And then another girl in oursmall group got third place.
So I was able to celebrate withthem and, you know, just really
(09:36):
build them up and show themlike wow.
You know I'm sad that I didn'tget it, but oh my gosh, like
this is amazing for you.
I'm so happy for you and Igenuinely was.
I know how hard that theyworked alongside me too, you
know.
So that was a nice thing too tosee.
Like, okay, I didn't get it,but two people that I know did
(09:57):
place and one got third place,and like this is seriously
amazing stuff.
So I'm just using this as anopportunity for my victory cry.
You know, like, and even if Idon't win this challenge, I am
okay with that, because I knowat the end of the six weeks I'm
going to be better in myselfthan I was today.
(10:22):
So choosing that victory overvictim mentality can help you
get through thosedisappointments, especially if
it's self disappointment,because you're the only person
that can change that.
So, going back to what Itouched on a little bit earlier,
what if it's a coworker or yourspouse?
Or what if your favorite frameart foil design is getting
(10:44):
discontinued?
What if your favorite TV showis in its last season?
What if there's literallynothing you can do about the
other person's actions orsomething that is occurring in
the world?
Or you know cause even all thiscrazy stuff in the world, like
apparently there's aliens now,you know.
So what then?
How do we handle disappointmentwhenever it is completely out
(11:08):
of our control and it hasnothing to do with us.
The very first thing is to allowyourself to feel those feelings
.
Like I said when I was goingthrough my own disappointment
thing this last week, justsaying oh that sucks, I'm sad
about this, or I'm mad aboutthis, or you know, allow
(11:32):
yourself to feel those feelingsat first being rejected, let
down, betrayed.
You know it can cause sadness,anxiety, anger.
You know, whatever thosefeelings are, don't just shove
them back down.
Humans are wired to formtrusting, stable relationships
with others and to turn topeople we love for support.
(11:54):
I mean, look back to ourancestors.
You know they lived in tribesand I mean it was literally that
saying it takes a village.
It really does.
I mean, having those corepeople in your life is very
important and then when one ofthose people let you down or
disappoint you, it can be very,very painful.
(12:17):
And while you're feeling thosefeelings, kind of look back and
think okay, because sometimes Iknow I have reacted out of a
place of disappointment verystrongly because of something in
my past that has nothing to dowith this person, like I can't
even think of an example, butyour past will fuel your
(12:37):
reactions a lot of times, and sosometimes just stepping back
and going, okay, why am Ireacting so strongly to this and
how can I adjust this, you know, but still allowing yourself to
feel those feelings and doingsome self reflection and
understanding why you're feeling, the way that you're feeling,
(12:58):
is important.
But then, after you felt that,acknowledge your unmet needs.
So once you can kind of stepback and say, okay, why am I
feeling this way, you will beable to pinpoint why you're
feeling that way.
What is the need that istriggering that reaction?
(13:19):
So maybe you and your husbandhad scheduled a date night and
you were so excited.
And then you know, a kid gotsick, or or your mother-in-law
that was supposed to watch yourchildren canceled last minute.
Is it, are you upset about thedis, about the date night, and
(13:41):
you're disappointed about thedate night because you just
really craved that one on onetime with your spouse?
Or was it because you needed aminute away from your child?
Or was it because you thoughtthat your mother-in-law was
finally going to come throughand she didn't?
Looking at all of thosefeelings and going, okay, this
(14:01):
is why I'm upset.
And then you know, noting thatand saying to yourself okay,
it's because my mother-in-lawcan't be.
You know, I just can't trusther.
Every single time we make plans, she never comes through.
Once you figure out what thatneed is, then you can say okay,
is this something I can workthrough myself or is this
(14:22):
something that there needs to beaction taken?
Is this something that you needto confront your mother-in-law
about or is this something thatyou can just say okay, we know
that she can't be trusted.
We're going to have to find adifferent caretaker for our
children.
If we want to do a date night,and, instead of getting so upset
and wanting to go bust her doordown, say, okay, I understand
(14:45):
that this is a reoccurring thing.
This is something we are goingto have to adjust.
And rising up above thatdisappointment and becoming a
victor you know that victormindset bring it back around and
say okay, well, we both havethe night off, we're going to
have our kids, let's make it afamily fun night, or you know
(15:05):
whatever.
So, by taking that negativesituation and turning it around
for a positive and turn it intosomething exciting, you know,
change that disappointmentmindset, instead of sitting
there on your phones all nightbeing pissy at your
mother-in-law, change it around,make it a positive thing.
Now I understand that if you'redealing with a spouse cheating
(15:32):
or you know someone committingsuicide or I mean there are some
very serious things that a lotof my people in my circle are
going through.
That does change the aspect ofthis.
But I have seen people who Ilove dearly go through an affair
and they have literally foundthe positive.
(15:54):
They under they have broken itdown, understood why the person
had the affair, how what theyneeded to change in their
marriage, how to rise above thisand, as a couple, have turned
to a Victor mindset and havesaved their marriage and have a
better marriage than 95% ofpeople in the world.
(16:16):
I would say All things can beused for good, as long as you
can turn that around and findthe positive in it, find a way
to rise up above thedisappointment.
It hurts and it stings and it'sugly and awful, but you can
always find a positive side.
(16:37):
I've seen so many of my lovedones lay and wallow in the
disappointment of their lives,of their decisions, and all they
do is continue to self-destructand make their lives worse for
themselves and worse for theirchildren.
And if they could simply turntheir shift their mindset to a
(16:59):
victor mindset and say, okay,yes, this sucks, but this is
what we can do about it.
Their lives would be so muchricher and fuller, they would be
so much happier, they couldmake huge changes and impacts in
their lives.
But they choose not to.
They choose to be the victimvictim of their own
circumstances or a victim ofsomething that has been done to
(17:22):
them.
They just choose to lay down inthat.
And I just wanna encourage youguys today to shift from that
victim mentality and shift intothe victor mentality and realize
that you are an overcomer andyou can get through this hard
season and come out on the otherside a winner, because I
(17:44):
believe in you, I believe inmyself.
I'm, you know, through thisnext six week challenge, I'm
going to prove to myself that Ican do this, like I can do
really hard things.
I already know that I can dothat, but I want to sift and
shift and refine my journey andmake myself even better, like I
(18:07):
wanna be continually leveling up.
There is times of rest andtimes of relaxation, and I'm not
saying it's like a constantgrind, but I want to continue to
level up, even in seasons ofrest, if that makes sense.
So another point to how toovercome this disappointment and
(18:27):
your life is to take care ofyourself.
Where are your unmet needs?
You know when you'redisappointed because your kids
don't help you clean the house,like, okay, do you need to make
them clean the house?
Make there be repercussions fornot cleaning the house?
Is this something that possiblyyou could hire a housekeeper?
(18:49):
Or ask your spouse to help pickup the slack?
Or figuring out what your unmetneeds are and why you're so
disappointed about what you'refeeling.
Maybe your spouse never helpsyou clean the house and you just
are really disappointed by that.
Like why won't he help me, youknow?
Or why won't she help me?
Like just figuring out what isthe root cause of your
(19:13):
disappointment and what's thefix for that.
So if you need help cleaningthe house and people are
constantly disappointing you,hire it out.
Get someone to help you.
It's not the end of the worldand if you don't have money for
it, cut your budget somewhereelse.
Figure out what's mostimportant to you, shift your
(19:34):
life into what you need and getyour needs met.
The next one is examine yourexpectations.
I am one of those people that Ivisualize how I think things
are gonna go and if they don'tgo that way, I'm very
disappointed.
There are so many times myhusband jokes about it, actually
(19:58):
, because he's always like youbuild it up in your head before
we go do whatever, and thenyou're super disappointed
because it's not what youthought it was gonna be, and
that is so true.
There has been so many times inmy life that I build something
up in my mind, thinking aboutyou know, visualizing how it's
going to be, how the situation'sgonna unfold, you know, and it
(20:23):
falls way short and then I'mjust really disappointed.
So what I do now is I set myexpectations super low, which I
know that this sounds like I'mnot saying that I expect people
to do their best.
I'm not saying like set yourexpectations low and then you'll
(20:46):
be satisfied, like I set myexpectations super high in my
personal self developmentrelationships, like all the
things I said I'm super high,but I'm talking about like date
night, or we actually just tooka trip to Chicago.
Let me just tell you guys aboutthis trip.
You guys are gonna die.
(21:06):
So we were going to Chicago.
Adam found a investmentopportunity and you know, for me
, I am all about that debtpayoff right now and the idea of
purchasing something is totallygoing against like everything
that I'm wanting to do at themoment.
(21:28):
But my husband I also want tosupport my husband.
He works hard for the money hehas and I wanna be supportive.
So, anyway, he found thisinvestment opportunity and in
Chicago.
It's a car, it's an investmentopportunity of a car and he's
(21:49):
like why don't we go pick thisup?
You know we'll drive it back,we can take the boys with us and
have a great little familyvacation.
And I'm like perfect, we'll flyinto Chicago, you know, take a
rental car to this auto museum,pick up the car and come home.
Perfect, this sounds great.
So I just like this is on aWednesday and we're planning on
leaving Friday night, spendingthe night at a hotel, leaving
(22:12):
out early Saturday morning,flying to Chicago, getting there
around like seven, getting inthe car or, you know, going,
getting the car and then drivinghome on Sunday.
So we're like, yeah, this willbe like a fun little crazy
weekend travel with the kids.
You know, we get to the airportSaturday morning, we drop, we
(22:33):
spend the night in SpringfieldFriday night and we get to the
airport Saturday morning and weget up to get our boarding
passes.
And I realized your girl boughttickets for August, not July,
so there was no flights for ourfamily of four to get on a plane
to go to Chicago.
(22:54):
And so I checked all aroundSpringfield Airport at the other
airlines and nobody had tickets.
So then we drove to NorthwestArkansas, to XNA, because I
found flights out of there, andwe hopped a plane there and on
the way there I was changing allof our reservations, you know,
(23:14):
because we were gonna be gettingin much later.
So we flew in to O'Hare andonce we get there we're standing
in line for like an hour and 45minutes trying to get our
rental car because they couldn'tfind our reservation, because I
had called and changed all thereservations online or over the
(23:35):
phone and luckily I wrote downmy confirmation number.
But, mind you, this whole timebefore we left I got really bad
poison IV and it got infected.
So I was on antibiotics, so Ihad like the worst diarrhea of
my life.
So while we're driving to, youknow, springfield, northwest
(23:56):
Arkansas, in the airport, I'mhaving to run to the bathroom,
like very frequently, and on theflight to Chicago I bled
through my pants on the planeand then I had to stand in those
pants for an hour and 45minutes in the rental car line.
We finally got our rental car,ran to the hotel room, obviously
(24:18):
to change my pants, and then wedrive to the auto museum and we
look at the car it's perfect,beautiful, adam drives it.
It's everything that he's everbeen dreaming of.
You know, is everything theysay it's going to be.
And before we left, you know, weobviously wanted to make sure
(24:38):
that financing was set up,everything was done so we could
drive the car home.
And he told the guy we areplanning on driving this car
home on Saturday.
We have a one-way ticket, we'reflying in, driving the car home
.
He's like no problem.
You know Adam was asking aboutfinancing and he said, yeah, we
have a guy.
And Adam's like okay, perfect,so we get there.
And obviously we got in later,much later than we were supposed
(25:03):
to get in, at like seven, andwe got in at like one.
And then by the time we gotthere it was after two.
And he's like okay, so likelet's get this done.
And he's like, oh well, thecredit unions right down the
street, but they closed at oneso they didn't have in-house
financing.
And the guy that he had was atthe credit union and it was
(25:27):
closed.
So then we didn't have a way toget home.
So then I had to call therental car company and try to
find a car to get home.
They won't let you because youhave to return the cars back to
O'Hare Airport, and so then wejust had to figure it out.
So we ended up buying same daytickets to get back home.
(25:48):
So this trip basically what wespent on this trip we could have
had probably a four dayall-inclusive with our family of
five to like a beach place, youknow.
So I was absolutely sick to mystomach because I'm like, oh
well, that could have paid offhalf of this, or that could have
done this, or I could havegotten a carpet, or I could have
(26:09):
invested that in the business,or blah, blah, blah, you know.
But instead of gettingdisappointed, I tried to shift
my mindset because the boys gotto ride an airplane twice.
They were absolutely amazingtravelers, you know, even though
everything totally sucked.
The auto museum was really cool, the food was good, the boys
(26:30):
were amazing.
I was so proud of them forbeing such awesome travelers
Like I could travelinternational with them, boys,
and they would be just fine.
So that's also nice, knowingthat they are really fabulous
travelers.
But you know, I had built up inmy mind this expectation of how
perfect this trip was gonna go.
Everything was just gonna be,you know, awesome.
(26:53):
Everything was gonna go smooth,which I mean our flights ran on
time and we didn't get strandedon an airport.
So you know there's that.
But I always build up thesesituations in my mind thinking,
you know, these are, this isgonna go this way and it's gonna
be perfect and it's gonna blowme out of the water.
My expectations are gonna bemet and da, da, da, da.
(27:15):
And then, when they don't, Iget really disappointed.
So, examining your expectationsof a person, of the situation,
of whatever you're dealing with,I'm not saying set your
expectations low, but don't beunrealistic and maybe just don't
(27:35):
set expectations.
I'm not sure what the answer isthere, but I know for me, what
I have started doing is tryingnot to shoot expectations over
the top.
Now, when it comes to mybusiness and and I'm not saying
don't believe in the best,because you know I believe in
speaking positively oversituations and I do expect the
(27:58):
best and I always tell myselflike my business is going to
flourish and I am going to beable to pay off all this debt in
a year.
I'm going to be able to betotally debt-free in five years,
including our home.
Like I speak positivity oversituations, I believe that we
are going to make strides and doimportant, powerful things.
(28:22):
But when it comes to like datenight and little things like
that, I'm just going okay, I'mnot setting expectations, I'm
just going to go with the flow.
That way, no matter whathappens, it's all good.
I'm not going to bedisappointed because I didn't
set expectations.
So, by examining yourexpectations can kind of help,
(28:45):
because you might want to adjustyour expectations and behavior
accordingly.
Thinking whether you know, areyou communicating your
expectations clearly and kindly?
You know, is this a good friendor a loved one?
Or, you know, try to assumegoodwill unless there is clear
evidence otherwise.
(29:06):
However, these people aretreating you.
You know they may not even knowyour expectations of them.
Are you communicating that withthem?
Are you telling them like hey,I really need you to be there
for me as a friend, like I needto see you at least like once a
month?
I really am.
I'm sad that we don't get toconnect or, you know, with your
(29:28):
husband and date night.
Maybe you need a date nightevery other week, you know.
Just say I need that time toconnect with you, like I have to
have this.
This is my expectation, becausethey may not even be aware,
they may be blissfully unaware.
You know that they think thatthey're doing exactly what they
should be doing.
They have no clue that you'reunhappy.
So, communicating yourexpectations, examining your
(29:52):
expectations and meetingsomewhere in the middle and then
the last one I'm all about thisset boundaries.
Set those boundaries if youneed to.
You know, if this person has apattern of disappointing you or
betraying you, think about whatyou need to do to protect
yourself.
If you've spoken up clearly tothe person and they still don't
(30:16):
wanna take responsibility orchange their behavior, how can
you take care of yourself inthat situation?
Does it make sense to see thisperson less often or do you
wanna, like keep therelationship more casual?
Like decide if this is someonethat you still want in your life
, or is it better if you cutties?
(30:37):
You may wanna let the personknow that you won't tolerate the
repeated broken promises, lies,disrespectful treatment,
whatever it is Like.
Let them know what theconsequences will be if they
continue to do you this way.
Boundaries can make you feelemotionally safe and they also
can help you restore, likeyourself, worth and self-respect
(31:00):
.
And you know, when you setthose boundaries and let the
other people be aware of them,that is freedom.
There's freedom in boundaries.
And sometimes boundaries areabsolutely necessary, necessary
to be set, because if you don'tset boundaries, those people
(31:21):
will just keep coming negativelytowards you and they're never.
If that type of person is sobroken that they can't give you
what you need, it's not yourresponsibility to fix them and
it's not your responsibility totake on their emotions or their
feelings or their problems.
Sometimes it's best to set aboundary and just step away from
(31:46):
that situation.
Disappointment can be hard andlife is hard, but there is some
amazing opportunities to shiftyour mindset and see the
positive side of things.
And you know, I hope that youhave taken something from this
(32:07):
episode that will help you shiftinto that victor mindset and
shift into a victorious way ofthinking and help you shift into
your best self.
It's always a joy doing thesepodcasts and I just really love
(32:29):
sharing my point of view withyou, and it means a lot to me
that you guys take your time outof your day to listen to my
podcast, so I hope you guys havean awesome day and I will catch
you on the next one.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
Thank you for listening in today.
If you have a burning questionor a topic you want me to cover,
leave a review and ask thequestion in the review.
This is the best way to getyour questions answered.
Just remember you are a smart,wealthy stylist and you are
capable of anything you set yourmind to.
I'll catch you later, don't bea stranger.
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