September 16, 2024 • 29 mins
Jay Lowder will never get over how God pulled him from the brink of addiction, despair and suicide and set him on a new path.. It took some time, but from the moment he met Jesus, nothing in his life has ever looked the same.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jay Lowder (00:01):
I can't say I was running from God because I
didn't know God, but I didn't know that I didn't
know God. But I would say, I would say I
was running from church. I would say that I was
running from organized religion.
Ally Domercant (00:11):
Welcome to the Snapshot Testimony podcast. I'm your host, Ally Domercant.
In this podcast, I ask my guests to share one
pivotal moment that helped shape their faith in Christ. Today
you'll meet Jay Lowder. He grew up in the church
but wanted nothing to do with God once he became
old enough to decide for himself. His running led him
down a dangerous path addiction, hopelessness, and eventually a suicide
(00:36):
attempt when God miraculously intervened to save his life. It
started him on a new path of finding out why.
Here's a snapshot testimony from Jay Lowder.
Jay Lowder (00:51):
Growing up in the South, we went to church all
the time, and because we went to church all the time,
there was a certain thought that I actually knew God,
when in fact I didn't know God. I would say
that I can't say I was running from God because
I didn't know God, but I didn't know that I
didn't know God. But I would say, I would say
(01:11):
I was running from church. I would say that I
was running from organized religion because what I saw there,
literally everybody was like me. They went out and partied
on the weekends and then got up and went to
church on Sunday morning or Sunday night or Wednesday night,
because that's what you do in the South. When I
graduated high school and I went off to college, I
was done with it. I again, there was nothing real
(01:34):
there for me. I didn't actually know anybody my age
that was a true believer. And I knew my mother was,
but I didn't know anybody that I could relate to
because everybody else seemed to be going through the motions
like me. So I don't know that, again, that it
was a conscious decision any more so than it was.
I'm at college. Church is a thing of the past.
(01:55):
I doubt I'll ever go back. Were you.
Ally Domercant (01:57):
Having fun?
Jay Lowder (01:58):
There is fun in sin. Even Hebrews 11 tells us
that Moses left the pleasures of sin for a season.
So I was having a blast. I mean, I say
that I look in hindsight and when I look back
on it, I thought I was having fun and I
guess and there were seasons of that, but it became
a dog's life. I mean, especially when it developed into
(02:21):
an addiction and something that I couldn't break out of.
It wasn't fun anymore. It was a beast that controlled me.
Ally Domercant (02:27):
Yeah. Addiction to substances?
Jay Lowder (02:30):
Yes, yes.
Ally Domercant (02:32):
And so how bad did did it get?
Jay Lowder (02:36):
It got bad enough that I moved in with a
friend of mine when I got back out of college.
When I got back, when I left college after one
semester and moved back home, I moved in with a
friend of mine that I went to high school with,
but it didn't take long where I couldn't hold a job.
I was forging government documents. I was living in an
$80 a month rent house. I lost my car. I
(02:59):
lost my job. I lost my girlfriend. By this time,
I was about 20, 21 years old. When you put
yourself in the mindset of a 2021 year old male,
most things that are important would have been the girl
I was dating, the Z28 I was driving, and when
those things disappeared, my life began to crumble. Not to
(03:19):
mention I grew up in a home. My father was
a very successful businessman. He owned 54 convenience stores in
North Texas and southern Oklahoma. And so I had this
protege that I mean, my dad was my dad was
a legend man. He was amazing. And so I always
kind of thought I would follow in my dad's footsteps
and I would be in the business world and I
(03:41):
would be successful. And here I am no job, no car,
no girlfriend. Forging government documents. So you can imagine the
mindset I had about myself. Yeah.
Ally Domercant (03:51):
And so it got to a place where you did
not think life was worth living anymore.
Jay Lowder (03:58):
Yeah, all those things came crashing down over time and
looking to escape, I dove into a lot of different things. Um,
there was an ongoing thought process of God's not real.
I've become a failure. I didn't follow in my father's footsteps.
(04:18):
I didn't accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish.
I'm a dropout from college. I hated who I was.
I didn't even want to look in the mirror at
the man who looked back at me. And so there
had been a mindset for a while that the world
would be better off without me in it. And I'm
a firm believer in this. The enemy starts feeding you lies,
(04:40):
and if you isolate yourself long enough, you get to
a place where anything that you're told, long enough, you
can begin to believe it, even though it's not true.
And so hearing, feeling the darkness that I was in.
The emotional, the mental. The career, the college. It just
became the only escape. I don't know that I really
(05:01):
wanted to die. I just wanted to escape the darkness
and the pain. Yeah.
Ally Domercant (05:05):
So you. You had a plan? How close did you
get to ending your life?
Jay Lowder (05:13):
I woke up one day at about 1230. I walked
into the bathroom. It was a ritual. I would go
in the bathroom. I would splash cold water on my face,
which was a way to try to kind of sober
up for the day. Of course, I had nowhere to
go because I stayed at home all day and but
there was something different about it, and I don't know
what caused that. But that morning when I splashed the
(05:34):
water on my face and I looked in the mirror,
I just so hated who I was, and I started
screaming at my own reflection. Um. I put my fist
through that mirror and shattered that mirror and went back
to the sofa, which was my bed. I didn't have
a bed. I slept on a sofa and took out
(05:54):
the pistol.
Ally Domercant (05:55):
And the Lord intervened in a interesting way by a person,
kind of interrupting.
Jay Lowder (06:03):
Yeah, yeah. My roommate worked for his father and he
worked literally completely across town. He never could make it
home for lunch because there wasn't enough time on a
30 minute lunch break. And so he normally wouldn't get
home till around 430, 5:00. And as I was sitting
on the sofa, I heard somebody pull up on the
gravel driveway and nobody came to our house during our duplex,
(06:25):
rather during the day because everybody was in college or
working or whatever. Yeah. And so it just caught me
off guard that who would be showing up at that
time of the day. And so I just set the
gun down and peeked out the blinds just to see
what's going on. It was my roommate. And so I
flipped on the television and kind of wiped the tears
(06:48):
from my eyes. Wanted. I didn't want him to know.
And he walked in and I said, what are you doing?
He said, man, you're never going to believe this. And
I knew his father. His father was a hard man, non-believer.
And he said, my dad came up to me today
and said, I want you to take the rest of
the day off and I'm going to pay you for
(07:08):
a full day. Now, that may not sound like big
news to the average person, but if you were to
call him, he works for Dell Computer in Austin, he
would tell you he worked for his dad for I
don't know how many years. Never did. His dad was
tough to work for. Never was he let off work
early and paid for a full day. But that day.
So when it happened. Wow. Yeah. It was it was. Wow. Because. Yeah,
(07:31):
at that phase again, God wasn't. I don't even know
if God knew my zip code or even cared about me,
or even if God existed. And so there was this
quandary of, is this a coincidence? Or is maybe there
a God who's trying to keep me from doing this,
and I really didn't know the answer to that.
Ally Domercant (07:51):
So what did you do to try to find the answer?
Because that had to have been a pretty significant question
mark for you. It was like, wait a second. Like that.
This feels like more than just something that just happened.
Jay Lowder (08:08):
Yeah, it was a gumbo of emotions, because on one hand,
I still didn't want to live because I didn't see
things could get any better. And so there's this one
side of me that's wanting to escape. And then there's
this other side of me going, is, is there a
God trying to rescue me, or is this just coincidence?
And quite frankly, while it sounds like it was a
(08:29):
good thing in many ways, it wasn't because it just
created more of the emotional mental turmoil that I was
already struggling with.
Ally Domercant (08:38):
So you found yourself going to was it a youth
camp or a youth retreat? How how did you.
Jay Lowder (08:45):
Well, something happened before that. So again, I mentioned my
roommate was a non-believer, a great guy, but didn't grow
up the way that I did. And he was a
big part here too. And he came home one night
and because he had a car, oftentimes we would go
to this bar called the Rockin in the city that
I live, and it was a bar, honestly, we were
(09:07):
the youngest people there by 25 years. Mostly. Honestly, just
alcoholics go there being quite frank. And so I said,
are you ready to go to the Rock? And he said,
I'm not going to rock. I'm not going tonight, I'm
not going tomorrow. I'm never going again. I'm like, what
are you talking about? And he said, I became a Christian.
I'm like, oh my gosh, man. I mean, come on.
(09:28):
I mean, I grew up in church. What is this,
a joke? I mean, really? And he said, no, I
became a Christian and it was really a joke. And
I actually looked at him and I said, you won't
make it two weeks. That's what I told him. And
so anyway, he quit going to the Rock and I
started seeing something different in him, and I couldn't peg
(09:50):
what it was, but there was something different. But I
didn't think it would last. I thought it was just
him trying to get his life together and kind of
straighten things out. And then he started coming home at
night when I would hear him pull up on the
gravel driveway, I would turn off the television and pretend
I was asleep to see if he was going to
continue doing what he'd been doing, which was reading the Bible.
He never read the Bible in his life, and every
(10:11):
night he would come home and he would read the Bible,
and he would fill out this little booklet called survival
Kit for Christians. And he actually had a bed in
the back. And when he would go to bed, I
would sneak in the kitchen and grab his survival kit.
And I had a flashlight. And on my little sofa bed,
I would be reading the things that he wrote. And
it was like, huh? Now I think it's cool. At
(10:33):
the time, I'm like, this guy's lost his mind. I mean,
it was like a love letter to Jesus. I mean,
it was just, again, really weird to me, but I
couldn't deny the results of his life. So that really
played a role when some time later, within a few months,
there was a big evangelistic outreach in our hometown, and
(10:53):
I wouldn't have gone to that either. But that guy
had attempted suicide and I was at my parent's house
washing clothes. I'd seen a commercial and my mom said,
you ought to go hear him. And the only reason
I went to hear him was because he was a
young guy. He had some street cred. I don't know,
he wasn't the typical preacher. I didn't relate to the
(11:15):
typical preacher I wanted to. It had to be somebody
that could speak my language that I felt like, I
don't know, I just thought preachers were weird, to be
honest with you. But he was different. No, I mean,
I did. I thought they were all okay. I'm just
being I'm a preacher, so I can say that I
appreciate the honesty. Yeah. I just thought they were weird,
you know? And. And fake and phony. And this guy
(11:37):
was a guy that had lived a life like I
had lived. So I went to hear him share about
his suicide attempt. I didn't want to hear about God,
but I wanted to hear how he had escaped those tendencies.
And so and so I drove over to where these
churches had come together for this evangelistic outreach. And I
stood in the parking lot because I know church, they're
(12:00):
going to sing for about 20 to 22 minutes in
a Baptist church. And so I sit in the parking
lot and drank for about 20 to 25 minutes, and
I walked in late so I could skip all the
music to hear this guy talk about suicide, and he
never said a word about it. Nothing.
Ally Domercant (12:19):
What did he talk about? He didn't share his testimony.
Jay Lowder (12:23):
He said nothing about his testimony. All he did is
he preached an entire sermon giving detail. By detail, I mean,
it was like microscopic detail of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Now,
I mean, I've heard the death, burial, resurrection story growing
up in the South. I never heard it like that.
(12:43):
I mean, it was I mean, he just went through
the detail about the cat of nine tails and the
cross dropping in the hole, and God turning his back,
and the thieves on the cross talking trash to Jesus.
And I just never heard it like that. I mean,
I don't know, something was happening when I heard the gospel,
(13:05):
and especially when I heard about the two guys that
were crucified on either side of Christ because I related
to those guys. Those guys had ruined their family name.
They had walked away from everything that was right. They
were receiving the due of their deeds and that was me.
And when Jesus said, God forgive them, which would include
(13:31):
the thieves, the the soldiers, they don't even know what
they're doing. That was me. I mean, yes, I did
things willfully, but I didn't really know what I was doing.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I
didn't realize what I was doing was to God Almighty.
And it was like somebody had thrown a spear and
(13:52):
just pinned me to a wall. I saw, that's me.
And I don't know that Jesus. I know the Jesus
that you go to church and sit for an hour.
But I never knew love like this. I never knew
that he went through all that for me. I mean,
(14:14):
it was just this to this, to this day when
I talk about it, it still has an impact on
me because it was such an, I don't want to
say an out of body because that sounds so hyper spiritual,
but it was just. a wake up call, unlike ever
(14:39):
to be able to see Christ and what he did
and how much I meant to him, and that the
way I was living was never the intention, that there
was more, that there was not just an existence, but
a life that he wanted to give me. I wasn't
looking for a get out of jail free card, I
wasn't looking. I needed hope. And when I heard the message,
(15:05):
when I it's like. It's like it sounds crazy, but
it was like I was able to see Jesus. I
don't mean like, in a vision, but in my mind's eye.
In my heart's eye. I saw him in a way
I had never seen him before. And when I saw
how great his sacrifice was, and when I saw what
I believed to be his true love for me, I
(15:28):
wanted him. I didn't want a religious experience. I didn't
need to hear angels singing. I wanted who this man is,
who went through all this, and who could even forgive
those people? That's who I wanted in my life. And
quite frankly, that's not the Jesus I heard about growing up.
This was a different Jesus than I'd ever heard of.
Ally Domercant (15:50):
So did you. What did you do with that? As
you're sitting there and you're sort of grappling with this?
Jay Lowder (15:56):
Yeah.
Ally Domercant (15:57):
So reintroduction.
Jay Lowder (15:59):
Yeah. Yeah, it was that. And I just knew that
the further he went into this message, my heart was
on fire. I mean, I was to a point when
he got to the end and he made a statement.
Some of you have grown up in church. You've heard
about Jesus your whole life. You know about Jesus, but
(16:19):
you don't know him. You know about him. My heart
was so on fire. My soul was so hungry. I
don't I didn't at that point. I didn't really know
how to get him in my life, but I knew
whatever it took to get him in my life. I
was determined that that was going to happen. And so
when he made the statement about some of you grew
up in church and you've heard about Jesus, but you
(16:40):
don't really know him. When he said that, I'm like,
that's me. I mean, that is me. I, I, I
don't know him. And he basically said that he was
going to give people an opportunity during the service to
repent of their sins, which I had no idea what
that meant. They could repent of their sins. He explained it.
(17:03):
It was real simple. He said that it was just
a matter of being willing to turn your back on
your old way of life and turn your life over
to him. Well, that was going to be easy for
me because I was tired of the life I was living.
You know, I was a broken dog's life anyway. And
he said the other part, other than being willing to
turn your back on your old way of life, was
(17:23):
which seemed so too good to be true, would be
to just receive him by faith. And I was like, well, really?
What does that mean? You know, because, I mean, I've
heard about faith, and I know faith means to trust something.
But he said it was as simple as being willing
to call out to Christ and invite him into your life.
And so he asks people, uh, if they wanted to
(17:48):
have Christ in their life, and they were sincere about
turning their back on their old ways, he invited them
to get out of their seat and go forward, and
he was going to pray with them. Not that a
prayer would save them, but he would lead them in
a prayer where they could call on the Lord. I
made a decision right then. Listen, I don't care. It's
funny too, because I got in late, sat in the balcony.
(18:09):
I didn't want anybody to know that I was there.
I was really embarrassed to be even seen in church.
And I'm at the point now where I don't care
what anybody says, I don't care what anybody thinks. I
just want him in my life. And when he asked
people to get out of their seat, I'm sitting in
the balcony and there's a guy, I'm six foot six . There's
a guy I used to play basketball with. I didn't
(18:31):
even know he was there. And I always thought he
was worse than me because his addiction was intravenous. And
so I thought, well, you're way worse than me. And
he's the very first guy I saw stand up and
go forward. And then that kind of did something. So
maybe I'm not crazy. I don't care if I am crazy,
I'm going to get Jesus in my life. So I, uh,
(18:53):
I dropped to my knees. And I mean, honestly, it
wasn't I don't even remember exactly what I said. It
wasn't some magical prayer. It was really what was going
on in here. And what was going on in here
is Lord number one, I know I'm a sinner. Number two,
I'm willing to walk away from this life that I've lived.
And number three, I want you in my life. I
(19:14):
want you to be my God. I want you to
be my Lord. I want you to be my everything.
And I just tell you that. That April 5th fifth night.
(19:34):
I didn't hear angels sing. There was no. There was
nothing tangible that you could see. But when I got
off of my knees. For the first time in my life,
I was 21. I had a peace that I had
never had. Matter of fact, I used to stand in
(19:57):
my bathroom and shave, and oftentimes the tears would run
down between my shaving cream and I would think, I
wish I could just have peace. And at that moment,
I didn't know what it meant to know God. I
didn't really know what was going to happen now that
I'd invited Christ in my life. But it was like
(20:19):
the tsunami, the hurricane, the tornado that was in my
mind and in my heart and in my soul was gone.
I mean, my world turned. It didn't mean I became perfect.
It didn't mean I didn't struggle with sin. But, man,
that's one thing. There's only one thing I know literally,
in this whole world. I know that April 5th night,
(20:42):
when I was 21 years of age. God Almighty, the
person of Jesus Christ. Came in my life. And God
wrote my name in his book. And whenever my time comes,
whether it's today or 20 years from now, if God
asks me, why should you be here? I'm going to
(21:06):
take him back to that April 5th night. When I
called on the name of the Lord, Romans 1013. And
he came in my life. Wow. I mean, you know,
I apologize for, I mean, to this day, I mean,
when I talk about it, it It's still it stirs
something in me because I don't want to forget where
(21:27):
I come from. And I never want to get over
what happened to me that night because it was so revolutionary.
Ally Domercant (21:36):
And, you know, the the cool thing about is that
there's so many people are searching for peace, and we've
gotten so far away from belief. You know, so, so
many people are so skeptical of religious experiences or, you know,
(22:00):
the kind of the jailhouse conversion. Well, of course, you
hit rock bottom and, hey, try Jesus. But this was
so much more than that. This wasn't a I've tried
everything else, so I guess I'll try. Jesus, this was. No,
this was a brand new life. You were a new
creation as of that day.
Jay Lowder (22:20):
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like I put on a
religious robe. I mean, right. It before it had been
me on the outside trying to change the inside, and
now it was the inside was changed and automatically, progressively
in some areas, really quick. In others, the outside began
(22:42):
to change. My mom said to me two weeks later,
and you're a mother and you know your kids better
than anybody. My mom said to me two weeks later,
I don't know who you are. You don't look the same.
You don't talk the same. You don't think the same.
And quite frankly, when she said that, it caught me
off guard because I didn't even realize how significant the
(23:03):
change was. I mean, I knew I had changed, but
I didn't realize how other people could see the change
in me. And again, it not it wasn't just some
experience because it changed who I am to this day.
It wasn't like, that bothers me when somebody says, well,
you know, I came to know the Lord, but I'm
pretty much the same person a year, five years, ten years,
(23:23):
20 years. I mean, what I do today, who I
am today as a father, as a husband, as a
full time evangelist. Everything. Everything traces back to that April
5th night. And my life is divided into two halves.
It's everything before April 5th and everything after April 5th.
So no, it wasn't just an experience. And I went
(23:45):
on about my merry way. Yeah. Uh, no, man, it
changed everything about me. You know, really, when you meet Christ,
that's what happens. Uh, it doesn't mean you become perfect.
It doesn't mean you don't struggle. But what it does
mean is that who you were before, you can't stay
that way, and it's no longer. That's the great thing.
(24:09):
I couldn't change me.
Ally Domercant (24:11):
Right.
Jay Lowder (24:12):
Right. Jesus changed me. He changed me. I mean, and
and the truth of it is, so many people doubted that.
They don't doubt it anymore because.
Ally Domercant (24:22):
For so many.
Jay Lowder (24:23):
Years it's been it's been over two decades and I'm
still at it. I'm still at it, and I'm not.
I'm not giving up either.
Ally Domercant (24:31):
And, you know, with your story, there are two groups
in particular who I think will, um, listen in most carefully.
One is the those who are struggling with a real darkness,
maybe suicidal thoughts, but also those who have been in church,
(24:51):
those who have been around it, those who know a
lot about it. But go, man, I none of it
feels real. Yeah. And in a lot of ways, it
seems like those would be two very different groups, but
maybe not so much.
Jay Lowder (25:09):
No, no, they're really not. And it's been ironic in
my years of traveling the world preaching the gospel. How
many people that I've met. I'm not talking about hundreds. Thousands,
just like me that grew up. They went to church.
They may have been baptized. They may have been to confirmation.
They may have catechism, catechism. And they had a religion,
(25:34):
but not a relationship. It goes back to what Jesus
talks about in Matthew chapter seven. You know where he
says there's going to be people that cast out demons
in my name. There's going to be people that did
wonderful works. And Jesus is going to say, I don't
know you. Yeah, you know about me, but you don't
know me. And I can honestly say that we've seen
thousands of people like me that grew up in church
that go, you know what? Your story is mine.
Ally Domercant (25:55):
Maybe they didn't have, you know, addictions or hit rock
bottom in that sense, but are no less lost.
Jay Lowder (26:03):
Oh, absolutely. I was preaching not long ago. This is
a true story. I won't I'll cut it short, but
I was preaching. The worship leader behind me when I
gave the invitation, started crying and she couldn't hold it together.
And I said, hey, if you need to go get
on the altar and pray, go ahead. I thought she
was just praying over somebody. So she goes down there
(26:25):
and at the very end, the pastor was talking to
her and she said, and he told the crowd, he
said she came forward because she's never been saved. She
struggled with it her whole life. She's not known whether
she was really saved. She's had all these doubts, but
she didn't want to say anything because what would people think?
As the pastor told the story, the guy working the
(26:47):
sound booth, 12 years working the sound booth, got up,
got out of the sound booth, came forward and said,
you know what? That's my story, too. I've wanted to
say something. I've wanted to get it nailed down, but
I was afraid of what the church would think because
I worked the sound booth. This is not an exaggeration.
After he came forward, the third person that came forward,
the pastor's wife. Same thing. So there's a lot of
(27:11):
people that have a well, you know, the Scripture tells
us that in the last days, second Timothy three, there's
a generation of people that have a form of godliness
but deny the power thereof. Two verses later, verse seven,
it says, they're always learning and never able to come
to a knowledge of the truth. This is a warning
all throughout Scripture. I'm going to start preaching if we're
(27:32):
not careful.
Ally Domercant (27:33):
Is that what keeps you going?
Jay Lowder (27:36):
No. I tell you what keeps me going. You know,
I have a wife and three kids, and and, uh,
I there's. I'm not well. Number one, I'm not good
for anything else. I'm not good at any. There's only
one thing that I'm good at doing, and that's sharing
the gospel to unsaved people. So that's part of it.
But the other part of it is I have never
gotten over what it's like. I can barely talk about it,
(28:01):
but I can. I've never gotten over what it's like
to stand on a platform and look into the faces
of people who are hungry to meet God, and who
are willing to take a public stand for him. There's
nothing like it seeing somebody come to know Jesus. I mean,
it's all I want to do. I want, I want to.
That's what I want to do to the day I die.
(28:23):
I don't want to do anything else. I want to
do that. It's awesome.
Ally Domercant (28:29):
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your passion.
Jay Lowder (28:34):
Yeah. It's, uh, I just never I don't know, I've
just never, never gotten over what he did for me
and never gotten over what I've seen him do for
other people. Yeah. And, uh, that's just what I want
to do. That's what I do. That's who I am.
Ally Domercant (28:53):
Thanks for hanging with me for this episode of the
Snapshot Testimony podcast. If you or someone you know is
struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health concerns, please call
the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can dial 988
to connect with the trained counselor or visit 988 Lifeline.org.au.
I can't say I was running from God because I
didn't know God, but I didn't know that I didn't
know God. But I would say, I would say I
was running from church. I would say that I was
running from organized religion.
Ally Domercant (00:11):
Welcome to the Snapshot Testimony podcast. I'm your host, Ally Domercant.
In this podcast, I ask my guests to share one
pivotal moment that helped shape their faith in Christ. Today
you'll meet Jay Lowder. He grew up in the church
but wanted nothing to do with God once he became
old enough to decide for himself. His running led him
down a dangerous path addiction, hopelessness, and eventually a suicide
(00:36):
attempt when God miraculously intervened to save his life. It
started him on a new path of finding out why.
Here's a snapshot testimony from Jay Lowder.
Jay Lowder (00:51):
Growing up in the South, we went to church all
the time, and because we went to church all the time,
there was a certain thought that I actually knew God,
when in fact I didn't know God. I would say
that I can't say I was running from God because
I didn't know God, but I didn't know that I
didn't know God. But I would say, I would say
(01:11):
I was running from church. I would say that I
was running from organized religion because what I saw there,
literally everybody was like me. They went out and partied
on the weekends and then got up and went to
church on Sunday morning or Sunday night or Wednesday night,
because that's what you do in the South. When I
graduated high school and I went off to college, I
was done with it. I again, there was nothing real
(01:34):
there for me. I didn't actually know anybody my age
that was a true believer. And I knew my mother was,
but I didn't know anybody that I could relate to
because everybody else seemed to be going through the motions
like me. So I don't know that, again, that it
was a conscious decision any more so than it was.
I'm at college. Church is a thing of the past.
(01:55):
I doubt I'll ever go back. Were you.
Ally Domercant (01:57):
Having fun?
Jay Lowder (01:58):
There is fun in sin. Even Hebrews 11 tells us
that Moses left the pleasures of sin for a season.
So I was having a blast. I mean, I say
that I look in hindsight and when I look back
on it, I thought I was having fun and I
guess and there were seasons of that, but it became
a dog's life. I mean, especially when it developed into
(02:21):
an addiction and something that I couldn't break out of.
It wasn't fun anymore. It was a beast that controlled me.
Ally Domercant (02:27):
Yeah. Addiction to substances?
Jay Lowder (02:30):
Yes, yes.
Ally Domercant (02:32):
And so how bad did did it get?
Jay Lowder (02:36):
It got bad enough that I moved in with a
friend of mine when I got back out of college.
When I got back, when I left college after one
semester and moved back home, I moved in with a
friend of mine that I went to high school with,
but it didn't take long where I couldn't hold a job.
I was forging government documents. I was living in an
$80 a month rent house. I lost my car. I
(02:59):
lost my job. I lost my girlfriend. By this time,
I was about 20, 21 years old. When you put
yourself in the mindset of a 2021 year old male,
most things that are important would have been the girl
I was dating, the Z28 I was driving, and when
those things disappeared, my life began to crumble. Not to
(03:19):
mention I grew up in a home. My father was
a very successful businessman. He owned 54 convenience stores in
North Texas and southern Oklahoma. And so I had this
protege that I mean, my dad was my dad was
a legend man. He was amazing. And so I always
kind of thought I would follow in my dad's footsteps
and I would be in the business world and I
(03:41):
would be successful. And here I am no job, no car,
no girlfriend. Forging government documents. So you can imagine the
mindset I had about myself. Yeah.
Ally Domercant (03:51):
And so it got to a place where you did
not think life was worth living anymore.
Jay Lowder (03:58):
Yeah, all those things came crashing down over time and
looking to escape, I dove into a lot of different things. Um,
there was an ongoing thought process of God's not real.
I've become a failure. I didn't follow in my father's footsteps.
(04:18):
I didn't accomplish the things that I wanted to accomplish.
I'm a dropout from college. I hated who I was.
I didn't even want to look in the mirror at
the man who looked back at me. And so there
had been a mindset for a while that the world
would be better off without me in it. And I'm
a firm believer in this. The enemy starts feeding you lies,
(04:40):
and if you isolate yourself long enough, you get to
a place where anything that you're told, long enough, you
can begin to believe it, even though it's not true.
And so hearing, feeling the darkness that I was in.
The emotional, the mental. The career, the college. It just
became the only escape. I don't know that I really
(05:01):
wanted to die. I just wanted to escape the darkness
and the pain. Yeah.
Ally Domercant (05:05):
So you. You had a plan? How close did you
get to ending your life?
Jay Lowder (05:13):
I woke up one day at about 1230. I walked
into the bathroom. It was a ritual. I would go
in the bathroom. I would splash cold water on my face,
which was a way to try to kind of sober
up for the day. Of course, I had nowhere to
go because I stayed at home all day and but
there was something different about it, and I don't know
what caused that. But that morning when I splashed the
(05:34):
water on my face and I looked in the mirror,
I just so hated who I was, and I started
screaming at my own reflection. Um. I put my fist
through that mirror and shattered that mirror and went back
to the sofa, which was my bed. I didn't have
a bed. I slept on a sofa and took out
(05:54):
the pistol.
Ally Domercant (05:55):
And the Lord intervened in a interesting way by a person,
kind of interrupting.
Jay Lowder (06:03):
Yeah, yeah. My roommate worked for his father and he
worked literally completely across town. He never could make it
home for lunch because there wasn't enough time on a
30 minute lunch break. And so he normally wouldn't get
home till around 430, 5:00. And as I was sitting
on the sofa, I heard somebody pull up on the
gravel driveway and nobody came to our house during our duplex,
(06:25):
rather during the day because everybody was in college or
working or whatever. Yeah. And so it just caught me
off guard that who would be showing up at that
time of the day. And so I just set the
gun down and peeked out the blinds just to see
what's going on. It was my roommate. And so I
flipped on the television and kind of wiped the tears
(06:48):
from my eyes. Wanted. I didn't want him to know.
And he walked in and I said, what are you doing?
He said, man, you're never going to believe this. And
I knew his father. His father was a hard man, non-believer.
And he said, my dad came up to me today
and said, I want you to take the rest of
the day off and I'm going to pay you for
(07:08):
a full day. Now, that may not sound like big
news to the average person, but if you were to
call him, he works for Dell Computer in Austin, he
would tell you he worked for his dad for I
don't know how many years. Never did. His dad was
tough to work for. Never was he let off work
early and paid for a full day. But that day.
So when it happened. Wow. Yeah. It was it was. Wow. Because. Yeah,
(07:31):
at that phase again, God wasn't. I don't even know
if God knew my zip code or even cared about me,
or even if God existed. And so there was this
quandary of, is this a coincidence? Or is maybe there
a God who's trying to keep me from doing this,
and I really didn't know the answer to that.
Ally Domercant (07:51):
So what did you do to try to find the answer?
Because that had to have been a pretty significant question
mark for you. It was like, wait a second. Like that.
This feels like more than just something that just happened.
Jay Lowder (08:08):
Yeah, it was a gumbo of emotions, because on one hand,
I still didn't want to live because I didn't see
things could get any better. And so there's this one
side of me that's wanting to escape. And then there's
this other side of me going, is, is there a
God trying to rescue me, or is this just coincidence?
And quite frankly, while it sounds like it was a
(08:29):
good thing in many ways, it wasn't because it just
created more of the emotional mental turmoil that I was
already struggling with.
Ally Domercant (08:38):
So you found yourself going to was it a youth
camp or a youth retreat? How how did you.
Jay Lowder (08:45):
Well, something happened before that. So again, I mentioned my
roommate was a non-believer, a great guy, but didn't grow
up the way that I did. And he was a
big part here too. And he came home one night
and because he had a car, oftentimes we would go
to this bar called the Rockin in the city that
I live, and it was a bar, honestly, we were
(09:07):
the youngest people there by 25 years. Mostly. Honestly, just
alcoholics go there being quite frank. And so I said,
are you ready to go to the Rock? And he said,
I'm not going to rock. I'm not going tonight, I'm
not going tomorrow. I'm never going again. I'm like, what
are you talking about? And he said, I became a Christian.
I'm like, oh my gosh, man. I mean, come on.
(09:28):
I mean, I grew up in church. What is this,
a joke? I mean, really? And he said, no, I
became a Christian and it was really a joke. And
I actually looked at him and I said, you won't
make it two weeks. That's what I told him. And
so anyway, he quit going to the Rock and I
started seeing something different in him, and I couldn't peg
(09:50):
what it was, but there was something different. But I
didn't think it would last. I thought it was just
him trying to get his life together and kind of
straighten things out. And then he started coming home at
night when I would hear him pull up on the
gravel driveway, I would turn off the television and pretend
I was asleep to see if he was going to
continue doing what he'd been doing, which was reading the Bible.
He never read the Bible in his life, and every
(10:11):
night he would come home and he would read the Bible,
and he would fill out this little booklet called survival
Kit for Christians. And he actually had a bed in
the back. And when he would go to bed, I
would sneak in the kitchen and grab his survival kit.
And I had a flashlight. And on my little sofa bed,
I would be reading the things that he wrote. And
it was like, huh? Now I think it's cool. At
(10:33):
the time, I'm like, this guy's lost his mind. I mean,
it was like a love letter to Jesus. I mean,
it was just, again, really weird to me, but I
couldn't deny the results of his life. So that really
played a role when some time later, within a few months,
there was a big evangelistic outreach in our hometown, and
(10:53):
I wouldn't have gone to that either. But that guy
had attempted suicide and I was at my parent's house
washing clothes. I'd seen a commercial and my mom said,
you ought to go hear him. And the only reason
I went to hear him was because he was a
young guy. He had some street cred. I don't know,
he wasn't the typical preacher. I didn't relate to the
(11:15):
typical preacher I wanted to. It had to be somebody
that could speak my language that I felt like, I
don't know, I just thought preachers were weird, to be
honest with you. But he was different. No, I mean,
I did. I thought they were all okay. I'm just
being I'm a preacher, so I can say that I
appreciate the honesty. Yeah. I just thought they were weird,
you know? And. And fake and phony. And this guy
(11:37):
was a guy that had lived a life like I
had lived. So I went to hear him share about
his suicide attempt. I didn't want to hear about God,
but I wanted to hear how he had escaped those tendencies.
And so and so I drove over to where these
churches had come together for this evangelistic outreach. And I
stood in the parking lot because I know church, they're
(12:00):
going to sing for about 20 to 22 minutes in
a Baptist church. And so I sit in the parking
lot and drank for about 20 to 25 minutes, and
I walked in late so I could skip all the
music to hear this guy talk about suicide, and he
never said a word about it. Nothing.
Ally Domercant (12:19):
What did he talk about? He didn't share his testimony.
Jay Lowder (12:23):
He said nothing about his testimony. All he did is
he preached an entire sermon giving detail. By detail, I mean,
it was like microscopic detail of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Now,
I mean, I've heard the death, burial, resurrection story growing
up in the South. I never heard it like that.
(12:43):
I mean, it was I mean, he just went through
the detail about the cat of nine tails and the
cross dropping in the hole, and God turning his back,
and the thieves on the cross talking trash to Jesus.
And I just never heard it like that. I mean,
I don't know, something was happening when I heard the gospel,
(13:05):
and especially when I heard about the two guys that
were crucified on either side of Christ because I related
to those guys. Those guys had ruined their family name.
They had walked away from everything that was right. They
were receiving the due of their deeds and that was me.
And when Jesus said, God forgive them, which would include
(13:31):
the thieves, the the soldiers, they don't even know what
they're doing. That was me. I mean, yes, I did
things willfully, but I didn't really know what I was doing.
I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I
didn't realize what I was doing was to God Almighty.
And it was like somebody had thrown a spear and
(13:52):
just pinned me to a wall. I saw, that's me.
And I don't know that Jesus. I know the Jesus
that you go to church and sit for an hour.
But I never knew love like this. I never knew
that he went through all that for me. I mean,
(14:14):
it was just this to this, to this day when
I talk about it, it still has an impact on
me because it was such an, I don't want to
say an out of body because that sounds so hyper spiritual,
but it was just. a wake up call, unlike ever
(14:39):
to be able to see Christ and what he did
and how much I meant to him, and that the
way I was living was never the intention, that there
was more, that there was not just an existence, but
a life that he wanted to give me. I wasn't
looking for a get out of jail free card, I
wasn't looking. I needed hope. And when I heard the message,
(15:05):
when I it's like. It's like it sounds crazy, but
it was like I was able to see Jesus. I
don't mean like, in a vision, but in my mind's eye.
In my heart's eye. I saw him in a way
I had never seen him before. And when I saw
how great his sacrifice was, and when I saw what
I believed to be his true love for me, I
(15:28):
wanted him. I didn't want a religious experience. I didn't
need to hear angels singing. I wanted who this man is,
who went through all this, and who could even forgive
those people? That's who I wanted in my life. And
quite frankly, that's not the Jesus I heard about growing up.
This was a different Jesus than I'd ever heard of.
Ally Domercant (15:50):
So did you. What did you do with that? As
you're sitting there and you're sort of grappling with this?
Jay Lowder (15:56):
Yeah.
Ally Domercant (15:57):
So reintroduction.
Jay Lowder (15:59):
Yeah. Yeah, it was that. And I just knew that
the further he went into this message, my heart was
on fire. I mean, I was to a point when
he got to the end and he made a statement.
Some of you have grown up in church. You've heard
about Jesus your whole life. You know about Jesus, but
(16:19):
you don't know him. You know about him. My heart
was so on fire. My soul was so hungry. I
don't I didn't at that point. I didn't really know
how to get him in my life, but I knew
whatever it took to get him in my life. I
was determined that that was going to happen. And so
when he made the statement about some of you grew
up in church and you've heard about Jesus, but you
(16:40):
don't really know him. When he said that, I'm like,
that's me. I mean, that is me. I, I, I
don't know him. And he basically said that he was
going to give people an opportunity during the service to
repent of their sins, which I had no idea what
that meant. They could repent of their sins. He explained it.
(17:03):
It was real simple. He said that it was just
a matter of being willing to turn your back on
your old way of life and turn your life over
to him. Well, that was going to be easy for
me because I was tired of the life I was living.
You know, I was a broken dog's life anyway. And
he said the other part, other than being willing to
turn your back on your old way of life, was
(17:23):
which seemed so too good to be true, would be
to just receive him by faith. And I was like, well, really?
What does that mean? You know, because, I mean, I've
heard about faith, and I know faith means to trust something.
But he said it was as simple as being willing
to call out to Christ and invite him into your life.
And so he asks people, uh, if they wanted to
(17:48):
have Christ in their life, and they were sincere about
turning their back on their old ways, he invited them
to get out of their seat and go forward, and
he was going to pray with them. Not that a
prayer would save them, but he would lead them in
a prayer where they could call on the Lord. I
made a decision right then. Listen, I don't care. It's
funny too, because I got in late, sat in the balcony.
(18:09):
I didn't want anybody to know that I was there.
I was really embarrassed to be even seen in church.
And I'm at the point now where I don't care
what anybody says, I don't care what anybody thinks. I
just want him in my life. And when he asked
people to get out of their seat, I'm sitting in
the balcony and there's a guy, I'm six foot six . There's
a guy I used to play basketball with. I didn't
(18:31):
even know he was there. And I always thought he
was worse than me because his addiction was intravenous. And
so I thought, well, you're way worse than me. And
he's the very first guy I saw stand up and
go forward. And then that kind of did something. So
maybe I'm not crazy. I don't care if I am crazy,
I'm going to get Jesus in my life. So I, uh,
(18:53):
I dropped to my knees. And I mean, honestly, it
wasn't I don't even remember exactly what I said. It
wasn't some magical prayer. It was really what was going
on in here. And what was going on in here
is Lord number one, I know I'm a sinner. Number two,
I'm willing to walk away from this life that I've lived.
And number three, I want you in my life. I
(19:14):
want you to be my God. I want you to
be my Lord. I want you to be my everything.
And I just tell you that. That April 5th fifth night.
(19:34):
I didn't hear angels sing. There was no. There was
nothing tangible that you could see. But when I got
off of my knees. For the first time in my life,
I was 21. I had a peace that I had
never had. Matter of fact, I used to stand in
(19:57):
my bathroom and shave, and oftentimes the tears would run
down between my shaving cream and I would think, I
wish I could just have peace. And at that moment,
I didn't know what it meant to know God. I
didn't really know what was going to happen now that
I'd invited Christ in my life. But it was like
(20:19):
the tsunami, the hurricane, the tornado that was in my
mind and in my heart and in my soul was gone.
I mean, my world turned. It didn't mean I became perfect.
It didn't mean I didn't struggle with sin. But, man,
that's one thing. There's only one thing I know literally,
in this whole world. I know that April 5th night,
(20:42):
when I was 21 years of age. God Almighty, the
person of Jesus Christ. Came in my life. And God
wrote my name in his book. And whenever my time comes,
whether it's today or 20 years from now, if God
asks me, why should you be here? I'm going to
(21:06):
take him back to that April 5th night. When I
called on the name of the Lord, Romans 1013. And
he came in my life. Wow. I mean, you know,
I apologize for, I mean, to this day, I mean,
when I talk about it, it It's still it stirs
something in me because I don't want to forget where
(21:27):
I come from. And I never want to get over
what happened to me that night because it was so revolutionary.
Ally Domercant (21:36):
And, you know, the the cool thing about is that
there's so many people are searching for peace, and we've
gotten so far away from belief. You know, so, so
many people are so skeptical of religious experiences or, you know,
(22:00):
the kind of the jailhouse conversion. Well, of course, you
hit rock bottom and, hey, try Jesus. But this was
so much more than that. This wasn't a I've tried
everything else, so I guess I'll try. Jesus, this was. No,
this was a brand new life. You were a new
creation as of that day.
Jay Lowder (22:20):
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like I put on a
religious robe. I mean, right. It before it had been
me on the outside trying to change the inside, and
now it was the inside was changed and automatically, progressively
in some areas, really quick. In others, the outside began
(22:42):
to change. My mom said to me two weeks later,
and you're a mother and you know your kids better
than anybody. My mom said to me two weeks later,
I don't know who you are. You don't look the same.
You don't talk the same. You don't think the same.
And quite frankly, when she said that, it caught me
off guard because I didn't even realize how significant the
(23:03):
change was. I mean, I knew I had changed, but
I didn't realize how other people could see the change
in me. And again, it not it wasn't just some
experience because it changed who I am to this day.
It wasn't like, that bothers me when somebody says, well,
you know, I came to know the Lord, but I'm
pretty much the same person a year, five years, ten years,
(23:23):
20 years. I mean, what I do today, who I
am today as a father, as a husband, as a
full time evangelist. Everything. Everything traces back to that April
5th night. And my life is divided into two halves.
It's everything before April 5th and everything after April 5th.
So no, it wasn't just an experience. And I went
(23:45):
on about my merry way. Yeah. Uh, no, man, it
changed everything about me. You know, really, when you meet Christ,
that's what happens. Uh, it doesn't mean you become perfect.
It doesn't mean you don't struggle. But what it does
mean is that who you were before, you can't stay
that way, and it's no longer. That's the great thing.
(24:09):
I couldn't change me.
Ally Domercant (24:11):
Right.
Jay Lowder (24:12):
Right. Jesus changed me. He changed me. I mean, and
and the truth of it is, so many people doubted that.
They don't doubt it anymore because.
Ally Domercant (24:22):
For so many.
Jay Lowder (24:23):
Years it's been it's been over two decades and I'm
still at it. I'm still at it, and I'm not.
I'm not giving up either.
Ally Domercant (24:31):
And, you know, with your story, there are two groups
in particular who I think will, um, listen in most carefully.
One is the those who are struggling with a real darkness,
maybe suicidal thoughts, but also those who have been in church,
(24:51):
those who have been around it, those who know a
lot about it. But go, man, I none of it
feels real. Yeah. And in a lot of ways, it
seems like those would be two very different groups, but
maybe not so much.
Jay Lowder (25:09):
No, no, they're really not. And it's been ironic in
my years of traveling the world preaching the gospel. How
many people that I've met. I'm not talking about hundreds. Thousands,
just like me that grew up. They went to church.
They may have been baptized. They may have been to confirmation.
They may have catechism, catechism. And they had a religion,
(25:34):
but not a relationship. It goes back to what Jesus
talks about in Matthew chapter seven. You know where he
says there's going to be people that cast out demons
in my name. There's going to be people that did
wonderful works. And Jesus is going to say, I don't
know you. Yeah, you know about me, but you don't
know me. And I can honestly say that we've seen
thousands of people like me that grew up in church
that go, you know what? Your story is mine.
Ally Domercant (25:55):
Maybe they didn't have, you know, addictions or hit rock
bottom in that sense, but are no less lost.
Jay Lowder (26:03):
Oh, absolutely. I was preaching not long ago. This is
a true story. I won't I'll cut it short, but
I was preaching. The worship leader behind me when I
gave the invitation, started crying and she couldn't hold it together.
And I said, hey, if you need to go get
on the altar and pray, go ahead. I thought she
was just praying over somebody. So she goes down there
(26:25):
and at the very end, the pastor was talking to
her and she said, and he told the crowd, he
said she came forward because she's never been saved. She
struggled with it her whole life. She's not known whether
she was really saved. She's had all these doubts, but
she didn't want to say anything because what would people think?
As the pastor told the story, the guy working the
(26:47):
sound booth, 12 years working the sound booth, got up,
got out of the sound booth, came forward and said,
you know what? That's my story, too. I've wanted to
say something. I've wanted to get it nailed down, but
I was afraid of what the church would think because
I worked the sound booth. This is not an exaggeration.
After he came forward, the third person that came forward,
the pastor's wife. Same thing. So there's a lot of
(27:11):
people that have a well, you know, the Scripture tells
us that in the last days, second Timothy three, there's
a generation of people that have a form of godliness
but deny the power thereof. Two verses later, verse seven,
it says, they're always learning and never able to come
to a knowledge of the truth. This is a warning
all throughout Scripture. I'm going to start preaching if we're
(27:32):
not careful.
Ally Domercant (27:33):
Is that what keeps you going?
Jay Lowder (27:36):
No. I tell you what keeps me going. You know,
I have a wife and three kids, and and, uh,
I there's. I'm not well. Number one, I'm not good
for anything else. I'm not good at any. There's only
one thing that I'm good at doing, and that's sharing
the gospel to unsaved people. So that's part of it.
But the other part of it is I have never
gotten over what it's like. I can barely talk about it,
(28:01):
but I can. I've never gotten over what it's like
to stand on a platform and look into the faces
of people who are hungry to meet God, and who
are willing to take a public stand for him. There's
nothing like it seeing somebody come to know Jesus. I mean,
it's all I want to do. I want, I want to.
That's what I want to do to the day I die.
(28:23):
I don't want to do anything else. I want to
do that. It's awesome.
Ally Domercant (28:29):
Thank you so much for sharing your story and your passion.
Jay Lowder (28:34):
Yeah. It's, uh, I just never I don't know, I've
just never, never gotten over what he did for me
and never gotten over what I've seen him do for
other people. Yeah. And, uh, that's just what I want
to do. That's what I do. That's who I am.
Ally Domercant (28:53):
Thanks for hanging with me for this episode of the
Snapshot Testimony podcast. If you or someone you know is
struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health concerns, please call
the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can dial 988
to connect with the trained counselor or visit 988 Lifeline.org.au.
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