February 10, 2025 • 21 mins
Christian recording artist Tasha Layton recalls a season of life and ministry where she reached a breaking point, and realized she was not ok. In this episode, she shares the moment she knew she needed a radical break, and the process that enabled her to finally get untangled from the lies she’d believed about God and herself.
To watch the full video episode: https://www.youtube.com/@SnapshotTestimony
For more on Tasha Layton: https://www.tashalayton.com/
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to connect with a trained counselor, or visit https://988lifeline.org/
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
S1 (00:00):
Welcome to the Snapshot Testimony podcast. I'm your host, Ali Domercant.
In this podcast, I ask my guests to share one
pivotal moment that helped shape their faith in Christ. In
this episode, you'll meet Christian recording artist Tasha Layton. She
recalls a season of life and ministry where she reached
a breaking point and realized she was not okay. The
(00:20):
pain from her past that she'd never dealt with, years
of stuffing her emotions and an overwhelming sense that she
could never be enough. It all became more than she
could handle. She's honest about the moment she knew she
needed help, and the process she walked through that enabled
her to finally get untangled from the lies she believed
about God and herself. Listener warning that this episode does
(00:43):
include mention of a past suicide attempt, but the story
is one of hope and victory, and I think it's
going to be a great encouragement to you, especially if
you've struggled with feeling unloved or unworthy. Here's a snapshot
testimony from Tasha.
S2 (01:05):
I was serving in a church. I was, you know,
from for anyone looking at my life from the outside
would have thought that I was doing really great. But
inside I was crumbling. And I took a sabbatical and
went to a counseling intensive in Colorado. That changed my life.
(01:27):
And when I did that, um, I thought that I
would deal with some of the things that I dealt with,
you know, when I was suicidal back in my teen years. Um,
but interestingly enough, we went back way further, um, beyond
my church hurt beyond, um, broken relationships, beyond all of
(01:49):
that to childhood. And I realized that the enemy is
the father of lies. Scripture says, and it was back
then that he tried to get a hook in my
heart to get me to disbelieve who God is and
who I was. And I think it was that period
(02:10):
in Colorado that really shifted my life. I had known
Jesus since I was a child. I had served in church.
I had, um, been on staff and counseled people, received therapy,
read self-help books, knew the Bible, went to seminary, did
all those things. But it was the process got in.
(02:32):
My therapist took me through to get me free. That
ultimately changed my life and transformed my heart for the better.
It got the truth from my head to my heart.
S1 (02:42):
Yeah. Wow. Okay, so let's unpack this a little bit.
So take me back to that season of time. You
mentioned a suicide attempt. We won't camp out there, but
just sure you were. You were a teenager. And what
what was going on in your life then?
S2 (02:58):
So I grew up in the church, but, um, when
I was a teenager, a church leader really hurt me,
and that's another story for another podcast. But, um, it
was so toxic. The whole situation was toxic. The church
life at that point was toxic. The church split. My
(03:19):
family left the church. They still haven't gone back since. Um,
I left and I went searching. I tried every other
religion I could find. And at the end of that search,
I just. I wasn't finding what I was looking for,
and I just felt so hopeless and helpless. And, um,
(03:42):
it was at that lowest of low. I realized a
couple things. When I tried to take my life, I
realized all this time I've been, like, striving to pursue
God or reach enlightenment or whatever. And he is Emmanuel,
God with us. He makes the first move. He came
down to me. And so that was different from any
other any other religion I'd ever tried. And then also
(04:04):
that Jesus had the power. I realized that when I
was in church, um, as a Christian, that Jesus, not Muhammad,
not Buddha, not, you know, not Christian, not anybody else
gave me power to transform and and also gave me
(04:27):
peace that passed my own understanding. Like, there was something
different about it that I had not experienced anywhere else.
And so I decided to force myself to go back
to church. I didn't like it. I just went by
my decision, not my emotions. And a year later, the
pastor said, if you want a touch from God, come
up at the end of service and we want to
(04:49):
pray for you and I. I left three hours later.
I was just a mess, just a wreck at the altar.
And I ended up going to seminary. I was a
worship pastor for a while, um, a young adults pastor
at a church in California for a while, and it
was through that season that I realized, man, I'm. I
am thriving in some ways, but inside I don't feel
(05:13):
worthy of pretty much anything. I don't feel humble.
S1 (05:19):
Let me jump in for just a second, because the
the interesting thing before you even go further is that
sometimes this is the complicated part of our testimony where
it's like, okay, I reached this breaking point and then
I met God, and then I'm in ministry. And then
it's like so often when it doesn't have sort of
that happily ever after, like, that was it all was
(05:40):
right from there. It's like, but then things got really
hard again. And I, you know, like there's that complication
of how do I even explain? Because you mentioned from
the outside looking in, you'd already been through a lot,
you'd been delivered. And now it was like, this was
the after version of you, and the after version is
supposed to be all good, right?
S2 (06:00):
Because when you cut off a weed, Unless you dig
out the root, it's just going to crop back up. Right.
And so when the enemy, you know, when he's the
father of lies, um, he's not powerful enough to take
us out. But if he can get us to believe
a lie, we'll just self-destruct. And I was believing lies.
(06:22):
And the truth wasn't reaching from my head to my heart.
Because of those lies and those roots that were just
tangled up in my heart. And so I didn't think
I was good enough. I had this long list of lies.
I had been through counseling, but it just wasn't working.
I would leave more frustrated than when I walked in,
(06:43):
because I would know in my head what I should
think or feel, and yet I wouldn't feel any of
those things. I didn't think that, and I knew the
truth in my head, but it wasn't functional in my heart.
S1 (06:57):
What got what brought you to the point where you
realized I got to do something? Because there's, you know,
I know, having been in ministry myself, there's there's sort
of this kind of just keep going kind of kind
of thing where it's like you're you're you're doing the
best you can. And then how did you get to
the point where you're like, I have to stop. Like,
(07:18):
I can't, I can't keep going and trying to minister
to people when I need to heal.
S2 (07:25):
I didn't have a choice.
S1 (07:26):
Point, okay?
S2 (07:28):
I was the breaking point. I had the breaking point. I,
I just couldn't go on. I was so depressed and
stuck in. Almost catatonic. Um. I had to stop. I
had no choice. Yeah. Um, I needed help to. I
took a sabbatical, and I went and moved back in
(07:50):
with my family for a month, and I thought, I'm
going to take a sabbatical. And I was like, sure enough,
as a type A, I'm like, I'm going to do
this sabbatical better than anybody else has ever done a sabbatical.
S1 (08:01):
Sabbatical?
S2 (08:02):
Everybody else. Yeah. And so I got all these books
on sabbatical, and I read all these things. And at
the end of the month, I was exhausted and couldn't
get out of bed. And I was like, I'm not okay.
And so that's when I got some help. And that's
when the Lord met me in, in Colorado at this place.
And it took a psychological process for my counselor to
(08:26):
get to the bottom of it, to get to the root.
But then I needed the power of the Holy Spirit
to pull that root, root out and replace it with truth.
And I wrote a book about it. It's called boundless,
and it's the process God and my therapist took me
through to get me free. Right. And I'll give you
an example of that, because I think, you know, when
(08:46):
you hear that, you're like, okay, what did that look like? Um,
number one, I was shut off from my emotions. I
was not connected to my heart because it hurt too bad.
And when I finally, you know, let those emotions resurface,
I didn't even know what to do with them. I
basically admitted my emotions, and then I let the Holy
(09:08):
Spirit take me back to those places where things happened. God,
where were you when that happened? Show me in the
room Jesus. Where you were. And then I would relay.
What was I smelling? What was I thinking? What was
I seeing? What was I feeling? Everything about that. That experience.
And then Jesus, show me where you were. And then
(09:31):
what are the messages that I took from that? And
then what do you want to say to me? And
it was like it just changed everything. When. When I
heard the truth. Straight from the truth. Yeah. And one
of them was, you know, I wet my pants when
I was in first grade because I drank a lot
of water before school. I asked the teacher to go
(09:52):
to the bathroom. She thought I was trying to get
out of reading in front of the class, and so
she wouldn't let me go. I wet my pants. She
sent me to the bathroom in the back of the
classroom for the rest of the day. My mom almost
burned down the school. But, um, anyway, sitting Indian style
in that bathroom. My counselors like. Tasha. What do you.
What are you sensing right now? I said, well, I
(10:12):
can smell pencil shavings and school pizza and that weird
cleaner that they clean elementary schools with. And he said,
so what are you feeling right now? And I said,
I feel sad, I feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed, I
feel dirty, I feel not good enough, not like everybody else.
And he said, what is the lie that you're telling
yourself right now? And the lie that I was telling
(10:33):
myself was, I'm not like everybody else. I'm not as
good because I couldn't hold my pee or whatever. And
then he's saying, what is the vow that you made
because of that? And I said, I have to be
perfect to get people to like me. And then he.
S1 (10:53):
Said.
S2 (10:53):
Where was Jesus? In the room? And I remember Jesus
was sitting Indian style between me and this dirty elementary
school toilet right there in the floor with me, not
concerned with any of the filth. And he looks at
me with the same compassion that I would look at
my little daughter if if something happened like that. And
(11:15):
he says, what do you what do you think Jesus
is trying to say to you right now? And I
just started to cry because I realized Jesus is saying, oh, honey,
you're you're not, uh, less than you're perfect. Just the
way I made you. This was just an accident. It
(11:36):
was like for 20 some years I had carried the
weight of that, um, 25 years I had carried the
weight of. I have to be perfect so that people
will like me or that I can not be embarrassed.
And it was it was life transforming. And the things
(11:57):
that I dealt with there were handled. They were healed.
They weren't just like band aided or medicated, like it
was truth taking the place of lies. And it changed
my life. You know you leave and you're like smiling
at strangers and holding doors for everyone. And. And when
(12:18):
you know how loved you are. Because that was a
big one for me. I didn't realize how much God
loved me, and I didn't think I was worthy of love.
And when I realized how loved I was, man, I
could take on the world. I was like, I can
do anything, and I don't need to compare myself because
I'd never tried to do a solo music thing because I,
(12:41):
I didn't think I had anything to offer the world.
And I sang for other artists, but I didn't do
anything of my own. I was afraid to write. And, um,
when I knew how loved I was, I didn't have
any boundaries. I was boundless, you know. And I think
that's what the love of God will do for a
person when they truly experience it. Wow.
S1 (13:02):
How long did that process take you?
S2 (13:05):
It was two. I was in Colorado for two weeks,
and you would think that two weeks is not long
enough to undo a lifetime of lies. But I literally
left there and nothing was pushing my buttons because I
didn't have a dashboard. It was like everything was rearranged.
But it was beautiful, and I still process things the
(13:27):
same way today. I still ask Jesus where he is
in the room and what he wants to say to me. Um,
it's it's the gospel. It's it's him bringing life to death.
S1 (13:44):
Wow. You know, there will be people who hear your
story and resonate with so much of it. You know,
the pain from past. You know, things unresolved. Sometimes it's trauma.
Sometimes it's demeaning words. Sometimes it's experiences that we just
kind of have still held on to. And, you know,
and there's some people might have skepticism like, oh, okay, well,
(14:07):
I can't take, you know, some time and go and
meet with the counselor. You know, sometimes it's easy to go.
S2 (14:14):
Well, even financially. It's so hard.
S1 (14:16):
Right? So what would you what would you say is
the first step for somebody who hears your story and goes, yeah, I, I,
I get that. Like, I mean, do I have to
go and do this with the counselor? Could I, uh
is there another way?
S2 (14:29):
Yes. Okay, so this is why this is exactly why
I wrote the book. Because I was standing at the
at the table at the end of the night, you know,
after having sang at events or spoken at events and
talking to people for hours, walking them through the process of,
like each step that I went through, making a timeline
(14:49):
of my life, seeing where things had shifted, you know, um,
trajectories in my lifetime. And I decided, I can't stand
here with each person. I need a book. I need
a resource that I can give and and just have
at the table because I'm just one person. And, um,
(15:11):
so I wrote everything out that I could imagine, everything
that I remembered, every, every. And I had a trauma therapist,
a trauma specialist helped me with the exercises in the book.
It's like it has morphed into this Christian mental health
initiative that I never anticipated starting. Um, but it's a
nonprofit now to help create resources. And, um, if people
(15:35):
can't afford counseling that we can try to help them. And, uh,
so it's this beautiful thing. It's called living boundless.org. And
there's an online course. So I just recorded an online
course so that it would be, um, supplement a supplement to,
you know, the book. And, um, yeah. So it is
helping people. It's changing lives. And God is God is
(15:58):
using it. So I would say there are a couple
of things though. Beyond that, just finding someone to talk
to is like half the half the battle. Sometimes when
you just find a trusted person to talk to. Um,
they can help you process some things. And I think
loneliness is such a huge thing in our world right now.
(16:20):
People are just lonely. And I think taking a risk
to be vulnerable and share your story with folks. You'd
be surprised at what they'll give back. Yeah. And the
relationship that can be forged when you take a risk.
S1 (16:36):
And when we get honest. I'm. I'm curious. Once you
got back from that experience, you had already been doing ministry.
How did your approach to ministry then then change? Because
I'm sure like the, the, the kind of the mechanics
of it were probably pretty similar. But how did things
shift in terms of how you approached ministry?
S2 (16:57):
I think I started ministering from an abundance of love
from an overflowing ING cup. Yeah. It was no longer
this rat race of striving and making sure everything gets
done at the church. It was, um, if someone comes
into the office and they interrupt everything that I'm doing,
(17:23):
they're not the interruption. They're the point there. And not
that I didn't have that mindset before, but I had
it in my head. But in the back of my head,
I would I would just still be thinking about what
needed to be done to functionally, you know, keep the
ministry going. Yeah. Um, but after that, it was like
(17:44):
all I saw was a soul who God loved, and I,
I didn't, um, you start treating people differently when you
start treating yourself differently, when you know how loved you
are and how special you are to God. You're much
kinder to yourself. And when you're much kinder to yourself,
you don't hold other people to extremely high standards. and
(18:07):
you're just you're just loving them. And it's beautiful. And
we underestimate the love of God. And how just being
kind to someone and being there for them can change
a life. Um, it was wonderful. I mean, I'm just
I feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. Like how.
S1 (18:30):
I love that.
S2 (18:31):
The love of God and how I see people so
differently now because I see myself differently. I'm not judging them.
I'm not like sizing them up anymore. I'm just loving them.
And it's freeing.
S1 (18:44):
Yeah, that's so awesome. And, you know, I'm sure with
now your music because you this predated your solo music career.
So once you then were had a microphone and many
times a stage where you're front and center, I'm sure
that place of love probably flows into your music. I mean,
(19:04):
now hearing your backstory and some of the anthems of yours.
I work in radio, so I've heard a couple of
your songs, but didn't know this back story. But that
has to flow through a lot of your music.
S2 (19:16):
It does. I think the most popular of my songs
have to do with very personal stories. Into the sea
is about my suicide attempt. Look, what you've done is
my life's testimony in a song. Um, I mean, how
far is about a season of searching for me? Like,
(19:39):
those are very personal, but they've. When you write something
really personal, it ends up being really universal because it's
honest and people relate to honesty, and they, you know,
the fact that I'm not shut off from my emotions now,
like my emotions run deep in my songs and you
can hear it, you can you can hear a change
in my voice from when I was a session singer
(20:01):
in LA, and I sang for other artists. I did
all that. I had a particularly, you know, just a
Just a different sounding voice. And then when God did
all that work in my heart, when he changed me
from the inside out, it changed my voice because I.
I didn't hold back anything. I everything shifted about my
(20:21):
voice because there was complete freedom. And I could go
wherever I wanted to go without fear of messing up,
because I didn't care if I messed up. It wasn't
about that anymore. And so when that cry of your
heart is heard, I mean, there is a such a
marked difference in my voice since then.
S1 (20:44):
Thanks for hanging with me for this episode of the
Snapshot Testimony podcast. If you or someone you know is
struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call
the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to
connect with a trained counselor or visit 988 lifeline. Snapshot.
Testimony is a moody radio podcast. I'm your host, Ali Hassan,
(21:05):
and together we're sharing the moments that shape a life
of faith in Christ. Thanks for listening.
Welcome to the Snapshot Testimony podcast. I'm your host, Ali Domercant.
In this podcast, I ask my guests to share one
pivotal moment that helped shape their faith in Christ. In
this episode, you'll meet Christian recording artist Tasha Layton. She
recalls a season of life and ministry where she reached
a breaking point and realized she was not okay. The
(00:20):
pain from her past that she'd never dealt with, years
of stuffing her emotions and an overwhelming sense that she
could never be enough. It all became more than she
could handle. She's honest about the moment she knew she
needed help, and the process she walked through that enabled
her to finally get untangled from the lies she believed
about God and herself. Listener warning that this episode does
(00:43):
include mention of a past suicide attempt, but the story
is one of hope and victory, and I think it's
going to be a great encouragement to you, especially if
you've struggled with feeling unloved or unworthy. Here's a snapshot
testimony from Tasha.
S2 (01:05):
I was serving in a church. I was, you know,
from for anyone looking at my life from the outside
would have thought that I was doing really great. But
inside I was crumbling. And I took a sabbatical and
went to a counseling intensive in Colorado. That changed my life.
(01:27):
And when I did that, um, I thought that I
would deal with some of the things that I dealt with,
you know, when I was suicidal back in my teen years. Um,
but interestingly enough, we went back way further, um, beyond
my church hurt beyond, um, broken relationships, beyond all of
(01:49):
that to childhood. And I realized that the enemy is
the father of lies. Scripture says, and it was back
then that he tried to get a hook in my
heart to get me to disbelieve who God is and
who I was. And I think it was that period
(02:10):
in Colorado that really shifted my life. I had known
Jesus since I was a child. I had served in church.
I had, um, been on staff and counseled people, received therapy,
read self-help books, knew the Bible, went to seminary, did
all those things. But it was the process got in.
(02:32):
My therapist took me through to get me free. That
ultimately changed my life and transformed my heart for the better.
It got the truth from my head to my heart.
S1 (02:42):
Yeah. Wow. Okay, so let's unpack this a little bit.
So take me back to that season of time. You
mentioned a suicide attempt. We won't camp out there, but
just sure you were. You were a teenager. And what
what was going on in your life then?
S2 (02:58):
So I grew up in the church, but, um, when
I was a teenager, a church leader really hurt me,
and that's another story for another podcast. But, um, it
was so toxic. The whole situation was toxic. The church
life at that point was toxic. The church split. My
(03:19):
family left the church. They still haven't gone back since. Um,
I left and I went searching. I tried every other
religion I could find. And at the end of that search,
I just. I wasn't finding what I was looking for,
and I just felt so hopeless and helpless. And, um,
(03:42):
it was at that lowest of low. I realized a
couple things. When I tried to take my life, I
realized all this time I've been, like, striving to pursue
God or reach enlightenment or whatever. And he is Emmanuel,
God with us. He makes the first move. He came
down to me. And so that was different from any
other any other religion I'd ever tried. And then also
(04:04):
that Jesus had the power. I realized that when I
was in church, um, as a Christian, that Jesus, not Muhammad,
not Buddha, not, you know, not Christian, not anybody else
gave me power to transform and and also gave me
(04:27):
peace that passed my own understanding. Like, there was something
different about it that I had not experienced anywhere else.
And so I decided to force myself to go back
to church. I didn't like it. I just went by
my decision, not my emotions. And a year later, the
pastor said, if you want a touch from God, come
up at the end of service and we want to
(04:49):
pray for you and I. I left three hours later.
I was just a mess, just a wreck at the altar.
And I ended up going to seminary. I was a
worship pastor for a while, um, a young adults pastor
at a church in California for a while, and it
was through that season that I realized, man, I'm. I
am thriving in some ways, but inside I don't feel
(05:13):
worthy of pretty much anything. I don't feel humble.
S1 (05:19):
Let me jump in for just a second, because the
the interesting thing before you even go further is that
sometimes this is the complicated part of our testimony where
it's like, okay, I reached this breaking point and then
I met God, and then I'm in ministry. And then
it's like so often when it doesn't have sort of
that happily ever after, like, that was it all was
(05:40):
right from there. It's like, but then things got really
hard again. And I, you know, like there's that complication
of how do I even explain? Because you mentioned from
the outside looking in, you'd already been through a lot,
you'd been delivered. And now it was like, this was
the after version of you, and the after version is
supposed to be all good, right?
S2 (06:00):
Because when you cut off a weed, Unless you dig
out the root, it's just going to crop back up. Right.
And so when the enemy, you know, when he's the
father of lies, um, he's not powerful enough to take
us out. But if he can get us to believe
a lie, we'll just self-destruct. And I was believing lies.
(06:22):
And the truth wasn't reaching from my head to my heart.
Because of those lies and those roots that were just
tangled up in my heart. And so I didn't think
I was good enough. I had this long list of lies.
I had been through counseling, but it just wasn't working.
I would leave more frustrated than when I walked in,
(06:43):
because I would know in my head what I should
think or feel, and yet I wouldn't feel any of
those things. I didn't think that, and I knew the
truth in my head, but it wasn't functional in my heart.
S1 (06:57):
What got what brought you to the point where you
realized I got to do something? Because there's, you know,
I know, having been in ministry myself, there's there's sort
of this kind of just keep going kind of kind
of thing where it's like you're you're you're doing the
best you can. And then how did you get to
the point where you're like, I have to stop. Like,
(07:18):
I can't, I can't keep going and trying to minister
to people when I need to heal.
S2 (07:25):
I didn't have a choice.
S1 (07:26):
Point, okay?
S2 (07:28):
I was the breaking point. I had the breaking point. I,
I just couldn't go on. I was so depressed and
stuck in. Almost catatonic. Um. I had to stop. I
had no choice. Yeah. Um, I needed help to. I
took a sabbatical, and I went and moved back in
(07:50):
with my family for a month, and I thought, I'm
going to take a sabbatical. And I was like, sure enough,
as a type A, I'm like, I'm going to do
this sabbatical better than anybody else has ever done a sabbatical.
S1 (08:01):
Sabbatical?
S2 (08:02):
Everybody else. Yeah. And so I got all these books
on sabbatical, and I read all these things. And at
the end of the month, I was exhausted and couldn't
get out of bed. And I was like, I'm not okay.
And so that's when I got some help. And that's
when the Lord met me in, in Colorado at this place.
And it took a psychological process for my counselor to
(08:26):
get to the bottom of it, to get to the root.
But then I needed the power of the Holy Spirit
to pull that root, root out and replace it with truth.
And I wrote a book about it. It's called boundless,
and it's the process God and my therapist took me
through to get me free. Right. And I'll give you
an example of that, because I think, you know, when
(08:46):
you hear that, you're like, okay, what did that look like? Um,
number one, I was shut off from my emotions. I
was not connected to my heart because it hurt too bad.
And when I finally, you know, let those emotions resurface,
I didn't even know what to do with them. I
basically admitted my emotions, and then I let the Holy
(09:08):
Spirit take me back to those places where things happened. God,
where were you when that happened? Show me in the
room Jesus. Where you were. And then I would relay.
What was I smelling? What was I thinking? What was
I seeing? What was I feeling? Everything about that. That experience.
And then Jesus, show me where you were. And then
(09:31):
what are the messages that I took from that? And
then what do you want to say to me? And
it was like it just changed everything. When. When I
heard the truth. Straight from the truth. Yeah. And one
of them was, you know, I wet my pants when
I was in first grade because I drank a lot
of water before school. I asked the teacher to go
(09:52):
to the bathroom. She thought I was trying to get
out of reading in front of the class, and so
she wouldn't let me go. I wet my pants. She
sent me to the bathroom in the back of the
classroom for the rest of the day. My mom almost
burned down the school. But, um, anyway, sitting Indian style
in that bathroom. My counselors like. Tasha. What do you.
What are you sensing right now? I said, well, I
(10:12):
can smell pencil shavings and school pizza and that weird
cleaner that they clean elementary schools with. And he said,
so what are you feeling right now? And I said,
I feel sad, I feel embarrassed, I feel ashamed, I
feel dirty, I feel not good enough, not like everybody else.
And he said, what is the lie that you're telling
yourself right now? And the lie that I was telling
(10:33):
myself was, I'm not like everybody else. I'm not as
good because I couldn't hold my pee or whatever. And
then he's saying, what is the vow that you made
because of that? And I said, I have to be
perfect to get people to like me. And then he.
S1 (10:53):
Said.
S2 (10:53):
Where was Jesus? In the room? And I remember Jesus
was sitting Indian style between me and this dirty elementary
school toilet right there in the floor with me, not
concerned with any of the filth. And he looks at
me with the same compassion that I would look at
my little daughter if if something happened like that. And
(11:15):
he says, what do you what do you think Jesus
is trying to say to you right now? And I
just started to cry because I realized Jesus is saying, oh, honey,
you're you're not, uh, less than you're perfect. Just the
way I made you. This was just an accident. It
(11:36):
was like for 20 some years I had carried the
weight of that, um, 25 years I had carried the
weight of. I have to be perfect so that people
will like me or that I can not be embarrassed.
And it was it was life transforming. And the things
(11:57):
that I dealt with there were handled. They were healed.
They weren't just like band aided or medicated, like it
was truth taking the place of lies. And it changed
my life. You know you leave and you're like smiling
at strangers and holding doors for everyone. And. And when
(12:18):
you know how loved you are. Because that was a
big one for me. I didn't realize how much God
loved me, and I didn't think I was worthy of love.
And when I realized how loved I was, man, I
could take on the world. I was like, I can
do anything, and I don't need to compare myself because
I'd never tried to do a solo music thing because I,
(12:41):
I didn't think I had anything to offer the world.
And I sang for other artists, but I didn't do
anything of my own. I was afraid to write. And, um,
when I knew how loved I was, I didn't have
any boundaries. I was boundless, you know. And I think
that's what the love of God will do for a
person when they truly experience it. Wow.
S1 (13:02):
How long did that process take you?
S2 (13:05):
It was two. I was in Colorado for two weeks,
and you would think that two weeks is not long
enough to undo a lifetime of lies. But I literally
left there and nothing was pushing my buttons because I
didn't have a dashboard. It was like everything was rearranged.
But it was beautiful, and I still process things the
(13:27):
same way today. I still ask Jesus where he is
in the room and what he wants to say to me. Um,
it's it's the gospel. It's it's him bringing life to death.
S1 (13:44):
Wow. You know, there will be people who hear your
story and resonate with so much of it. You know,
the pain from past. You know, things unresolved. Sometimes it's trauma.
Sometimes it's demeaning words. Sometimes it's experiences that we just
kind of have still held on to. And, you know,
and there's some people might have skepticism like, oh, okay, well,
(14:07):
I can't take, you know, some time and go and
meet with the counselor. You know, sometimes it's easy to go.
S2 (14:14):
Well, even financially. It's so hard.
S1 (14:16):
Right? So what would you what would you say is
the first step for somebody who hears your story and goes, yeah, I, I,
I get that. Like, I mean, do I have to
go and do this with the counselor? Could I, uh
is there another way?
S2 (14:29):
Yes. Okay, so this is why this is exactly why
I wrote the book. Because I was standing at the
at the table at the end of the night, you know,
after having sang at events or spoken at events and
talking to people for hours, walking them through the process of,
like each step that I went through, making a timeline
(14:49):
of my life, seeing where things had shifted, you know, um,
trajectories in my lifetime. And I decided, I can't stand
here with each person. I need a book. I need
a resource that I can give and and just have
at the table because I'm just one person. And, um,
(15:11):
so I wrote everything out that I could imagine, everything
that I remembered, every, every. And I had a trauma therapist,
a trauma specialist helped me with the exercises in the book.
It's like it has morphed into this Christian mental health
initiative that I never anticipated starting. Um, but it's a
nonprofit now to help create resources. And, um, if people
(15:35):
can't afford counseling that we can try to help them. And, uh,
so it's this beautiful thing. It's called living boundless.org. And
there's an online course. So I just recorded an online
course so that it would be, um, supplement a supplement to,
you know, the book. And, um, yeah. So it is
helping people. It's changing lives. And God is God is
(15:58):
using it. So I would say there are a couple
of things though. Beyond that, just finding someone to talk
to is like half the half the battle. Sometimes when
you just find a trusted person to talk to. Um,
they can help you process some things. And I think
loneliness is such a huge thing in our world right now.
(16:20):
People are just lonely. And I think taking a risk
to be vulnerable and share your story with folks. You'd
be surprised at what they'll give back. Yeah. And the
relationship that can be forged when you take a risk.
S1 (16:36):
And when we get honest. I'm. I'm curious. Once you
got back from that experience, you had already been doing ministry.
How did your approach to ministry then then change? Because
I'm sure like the, the, the kind of the mechanics
of it were probably pretty similar. But how did things
shift in terms of how you approached ministry?
S2 (16:57):
I think I started ministering from an abundance of love
from an overflowing ING cup. Yeah. It was no longer
this rat race of striving and making sure everything gets
done at the church. It was, um, if someone comes
into the office and they interrupt everything that I'm doing,
(17:23):
they're not the interruption. They're the point there. And not
that I didn't have that mindset before, but I had
it in my head. But in the back of my head,
I would I would just still be thinking about what
needed to be done to functionally, you know, keep the
ministry going. Yeah. Um, but after that, it was like
(17:44):
all I saw was a soul who God loved, and I,
I didn't, um, you start treating people differently when you
start treating yourself differently, when you know how loved you
are and how special you are to God. You're much
kinder to yourself. And when you're much kinder to yourself,
you don't hold other people to extremely high standards. and
(18:07):
you're just you're just loving them. And it's beautiful. And
we underestimate the love of God. And how just being
kind to someone and being there for them can change
a life. Um, it was wonderful. I mean, I'm just
I feel warm and fuzzy just thinking about it. Like how.
S1 (18:30):
I love that.
S2 (18:31):
The love of God and how I see people so
differently now because I see myself differently. I'm not judging them.
I'm not like sizing them up anymore. I'm just loving them.
And it's freeing.
S1 (18:44):
Yeah, that's so awesome. And, you know, I'm sure with
now your music because you this predated your solo music career.
So once you then were had a microphone and many
times a stage where you're front and center, I'm sure
that place of love probably flows into your music. I mean,
(19:04):
now hearing your backstory and some of the anthems of yours.
I work in radio, so I've heard a couple of
your songs, but didn't know this back story. But that
has to flow through a lot of your music.
S2 (19:16):
It does. I think the most popular of my songs
have to do with very personal stories. Into the sea
is about my suicide attempt. Look, what you've done is
my life's testimony in a song. Um, I mean, how
far is about a season of searching for me? Like,
(19:39):
those are very personal, but they've. When you write something
really personal, it ends up being really universal because it's
honest and people relate to honesty, and they, you know,
the fact that I'm not shut off from my emotions now,
like my emotions run deep in my songs and you
can hear it, you can you can hear a change
in my voice from when I was a session singer
(20:01):
in LA, and I sang for other artists. I did
all that. I had a particularly, you know, just a
Just a different sounding voice. And then when God did
all that work in my heart, when he changed me
from the inside out, it changed my voice because I.
I didn't hold back anything. I everything shifted about my
(20:21):
voice because there was complete freedom. And I could go
wherever I wanted to go without fear of messing up,
because I didn't care if I messed up. It wasn't
about that anymore. And so when that cry of your
heart is heard, I mean, there is a such a
marked difference in my voice since then.
S1 (20:44):
Thanks for hanging with me for this episode of the
Snapshot Testimony podcast. If you or someone you know is
struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call
the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to
connect with a trained counselor or visit 988 lifeline. Snapshot.
Testimony is a moody radio podcast. I'm your host, Ali Hassan,
(21:05):
and together we're sharing the moments that shape a life
of faith in Christ. Thanks for listening.
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