May 16, 2023 • 27 mins
The one where Dylan and the hosts of a Letter to My Homegirls podcast, Sydnei, and Morgan, discuss the hot topic of romantic disinterest.
@soisaidmedia
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Morgan Adrine (00:00):
So I said, I'm not a mind reader. So let's jump
right in and Sydnei How are youfeeling? I'm spicy.
Sydeni Sellers (00:07):
Um, I'm probably sitting at jalapeno.
Morgan Adrine (00:11):
Jalapenos, a little spicy Dylan.
Dylan Sellers (00:14):
Jalapeno.
Definitely bell pepper like,here for color. Definitely very,
very little taste. That's
Morgan Adrine (00:29):
nothing. I will be a banana pepper. I'm a little
tangy, spicy. Given bananapepper.
Dylan Sellers (00:37):
It's gonna be episode. Okay.
Morgan Adrine (00:40):
So let's jump into it. So, I want us to talk
about dating expectations. Andlike I said, not being a mind
reader, especially in yourrelationship. So how are you
feeling I'm saying?
Sydeni Sellers (00:52):
All right. So I have a question scenario for you
guys. Right? So I, me and mybest friend, we have
conversations a lot aboutdating, and just life because
dating is ghetto. Um, so
Dylan Sellers (01:07):
I hear and
Sydeni Sellers (01:08):
out the game for quite some time for a while.
Thank God for Jesus. We weretalking and we were talking
about the dating phase and howwe really despise the dating
phase like it is probably themost draining phase of life to
be honest. That's a lot. Isn'tit? And mainly because people's
(01:33):
intentions you just don't know.
And you have to invest so muchtime. So much emotion, so much
patience, finances, a lot ofstuff into just potentially
dating to find out that thisperson is not it
Morgan Adrine (01:49):
added for clarification. When you say
dating, is this the phase beforeboyfriend girlfriend or is his
boyfriend girlfriend?
Sydeni Sellers (01:55):
So we are talking about dating? As in no
title? No Title. Okay. Yes.
Gotcha. Like, alright, just outthe gate, you get an audience
and I like you. You like me? Youcute. Let's go. Yeah, so we were
talking about that. And we weretalking about consistencies,
right and how there's a lot ofexpectation in dating right off
(02:16):
the bat, especially with women30 And up, like, I mean, I've
dated at this point, if you aretrying to pursue me, you should
have some sort of idea what youwant. Or else why are you in my
face? I'm so just trying todecide whether or not if
somebody lacks consistency afterthe week or so. You should rid
(02:38):
them.
Morgan Adrine (02:42):
Or, like, you should read them.
Sydeni Sellers (02:44):
Yeah. Because we get rid of folks over here.
Okay. Um, or should you extendthem? Grace? Right? Should you
try to analyze whether or notthe things that you're asking
for are things that you shouldbe giving yourself? Are you
asking for too much you just metthis person? Should there be any
(03:04):
type of commitment obligation?
I'm unsure, okay, because myexpectations and standards are
kind of high thing that I amworking through, though, because
I do feel like balance isnecessary. No, there's nothing
wrong with it. But you shouldn'tjust rid people. You shouldn't
just rid people. So that'ssomething that I'm working
(03:26):
through. But I think I want tokind of ask you guys, what it is
that you feel like Morgan anddylan also being married, you
know, you been out the game forquite some time. But, but you
have single friends, you know,so like, What is your
perspective? So let's say I'mgonna give you guys a scenario.
Got it? Okay. Then you can tellme you know, or give me a
(03:47):
scenario. All right, so you'redating this person have dated
them. First week. Amazing textmessages. How you doing? Can't
wait to see you. vibes. Y'all goout. vibes. vibes. It's a vibe
like, Y'all collectively feellike it's a vibe. Okay? The next
few days, communication startsto lack. No reason why no rhyme
(04:10):
or reason. No warning. You get alittle irritated. You know you
like so you was ready. Right nowyou're not ready. Right? So
should you just take that as asign of disinterest? They're not
interested or wait until aconversation is had to deem the
this interest gone. I feel yourbell pepper.
Dylan Sellers (04:40):
I'm here for the color.
Morgan Adrine (04:42):
Do you think so?
Okay, so I'll say this. I'm 25.
So a little bit younger.
However, I have the same mindsetas you in the sense that I'm not
here to waste my time. Like Iknow what I want. I know that I
want to be married one day. Iknow that before I have
children. I want to be married.
So in other words, I'm not hereto waste time. Like, I'm not
(05:02):
here to play games. Tell me whatit is that you want, what you're
looking for how you expect me toshow up for you and trust and
believe that I'm going to do thesame. So I feel like those
conversations are important.
Because off the jump, like, I amalready telling you what I need
from you. Like one of the firstconversations I had with the
person that I'm dating now wascommunication, like, so how many
(05:26):
times because he's also not fromhere? Well, he's from here, but
he doesn't live here. So it wasalso like so how many times do
you expect to check in in a day?
Like, what do you need for me?
Are you a person that you need?
Good morning text? Are you okay?
When I didn't mourn the text,but you want a phone call that
night? having thoseconversations are important
because I feel likecommunication gets rid of a lot
(05:47):
of issues. Obviously. If wecommunicate about our
expectations, and quote,unquote, our guidelines from the
jump, hurt, feelings won't beinvolved. There'll be no, like,
there'll be no Blurred Lines.
However, I do believe inextending people grace, but I
(06:08):
believe that grace comes withthe little clause at the bottom
and fine print. Because forexample, because the example you
gave so okay, you're we'retexting every day for the first
week or whatever. And then thefollowing week, I don't hear
from you. I'm texting you like,hey, what's up i aint heard from
you. I want it I'm gonna flatout ask you like, what do you
(06:29):
like? What's what's going on?
Like, you don't have to tell meyour whole life story. But I
what's going on? Is there'ssomething going on that's caused
you to change yourcommunication. Are you going
through family stuff work stuffwas going on? Okay, no, none of
that. Then what are we doing?
Sydeni Sellers (06:42):
So you know, what's interesting? I don't even
give that. And that's, that'sthe fourth. I don't even reach
out. Because I just feel like Ijust feel like if you were
consistent, and there's abreaking consistency, then you
(07:02):
made a choice. No, very true.
And there's nothing wrong withwhat we're doing. But I'm saying
that's the part of me
Morgan Adrine (07:08):
that I feel is murky water. No, I for you in
that because I also believe thatpeople make time for it. They
want to make time for it. And ifyou want it to talk to me, you
will make time to talk to mejust like you make time to check
Instagram, get on Twitter, lookat ESPN. You will make time to
talk to me. Do you want to talkto me? So that's us. I give
(07:28):
grace within reason becauseespecially in the in the initial
dating phase. Now once weboyfriend, girlfriend, all of us
out the woodwork. You eithergonna get this together or not.
Right? But in that first datingphase, I really do try to give
grace and listen. I'm growingand I'm learning because I
wasn't always patient pray forpatience every day. Oh, this is
patience. Yeah. Wow. Becauseyou're playing you're playing
(07:51):
with my time.
Dylan Sellers (07:54):
So dylan Oh, okay, go. Come on. So I'm going
with the scenario. Okay, so thescenario is week one.
Sydeni Sellers (08:10):
Okay. Yes. This is week. Seven days.
Morgan Adrine (08:12):
Seven days was good. You did one
Dylan Sellers (08:14):
day. Yeah, the vibes were good.
Morgan Adrine (08:17):
Can we clarify one day? Yes. Okay. Okay, let's
go with multiple
Dylan Sellers (08:21):
dates that week.
Let's say today because of youbeat a guy and he gives you
three dates in the first week.
He don't got nothing going onfacts
Morgan Adrine (08:30):
right. Now he's serious about Well, I mean, no,
like
Sydeni Sellers (08:33):
life life.
You'rebusy. I don't have the time.
Dylan Sellers (08:37):
Right. Married and I can't do I can't date
right. So. Every night. Everynight is not a date night. Like
this. So one week, generous. Twodates, got the vibe. And then
(08:58):
the next week. He stops textinga bit. You didn't say that he
ghosted you. So did he just likehe's not? It's not every day.
The day like this it just Wayneor does it stop
Sydeni Sellers (09:15):
so that that communication just dwindles? So
it's not as consistent as it wasbefore.
Morgan Adrine (09:21):
So steady all texting every day you using the
Dylan Sellers (09:25):
word you're using the word consistent, and you
don't have enough time forconsistent. Elaborate,
consistent is over time. Right?
And so like, it's not as much asit was, but you don't know what
consistent is consistent, deemsthat there's a pattern. Right?
Like,
Morgan Adrine (09:47):
it takes seven days to build a habit.
Sydeni Sellers (09:49):
And I in my opinion
Dylan Sellers (09:50):
takes up more time than that.
Sydeni Sellers (09:54):
But my thing is with dating two ways the dating
and the idea of dating I'm areal big firm believer that you
should not provide a vibe youcannot maintain. Okay, so you
are somebody who does not spendall your time texting and making
sure she's okay saying goodmorning on Saturday, you don't
(10:16):
start that sweetheart. Oh mything. You a woman like me, okay
woman like my friends, you can'tpick us up and drop us off and
expect to come pick us back up,right? You have to keep the
momentum up or else there isgoing to be a detachment or some
sort of break. Because in mymind, my mind and how I value
myself.
(10:37):
I'm like hotcakes outside. Youknow, I'm saying like I there is
people that's trying to get withthe kid, you know.
We sat me down on the shelf.
Right. So so that's my thing.
It's the care system see? Fair,the consistency with starting a
starting something out like thatand not being able to maintain
(11:00):
it is the issue that I see witha lot couldn't take that up.
Yeah, it's just that part.
Dylan Sellers (11:07):
Fair. It seems like there's a lot of pressure
here.
Sydeni Sellers (11:13):
And I can admit
Morgan Adrine (11:13):
that there definitely is. But But I feel
like I I know what I'm bringingto the table. Like, I know that.
I don't
Dylan Sellers (11:22):
know what you're bringing to the table. It's only
been a week. I don't I don'tknow. How do you get there,
though? Over time, like,
Morgan Adrine (11:30):
I don't believe I'll show because I a man is
going to show you what he wantsfrom the beginning. He's going
to show you if he if you are theperson that he is willing to.
Sydeni Sellers (11:40):
Listen, Morgan, I got a question for him. Dylan,
when you were dating Sharmayne,right? Were you consistent from
the start to the finish? That'sthe words. Was there ever a time
where she felt like, you weren'tinterested in
Morgan Adrine (11:56):
her? No. And that's how you're married.
That's exactly what we'resaying. Listen, listen.
Dylan Sellers (12:01):
That's not what you said. You said? You said he
hasn't kept up thecommunication. Therefore, I'm
making a decision that he'suninterested. But that's what
you said.
Morgan Adrine (12:12):
Let me ask this.
So if you at any point in time,week two, week three, week four,
had changed what you were doingand how you were treating
Sharmayne, do you think that youguys will be be married today?
Dylan Sellers (12:23):
But she would communicate? Right? Because you
don't? You? I don't know you?
And you
Morgan Adrine (12:28):
don't know me?
Right? There's somecommunication involved does not
know
Dylan Sellers (12:32):
what I'm saying.
Right? Like, an assumption ismade that we should rid a person
after a week, right? Like
Morgan Adrine (12:39):
I said, I'm giving a little bit more grace
and
Dylan Sellers (12:43):
grace, because you gave him the third degree.
What's going on what we do?
Morgan Adrine (12:49):
Realistically, if I don't hear from you, I am
asking like, what's going on?
Why, though? Why? Okay,
Sydeni Sellers (12:55):
so that's my, di, let
Dylan Sellers (12:57):
me let me let me be honest, right. Like, we start
talking and I don't know you,right, like, and then you don't
hear or you don't message meback. Right? I'm moving on until
you message back. Because I havenothing invested there. You are
way too invested after a weekthat you're even considering or
(13:18):
trying to figure out. Like, whata person way to invested. It's
been a week
Sydeni Sellers (13:23):
where I really and me and my best friend were
talking about this. I think thatone of the biggest things,
especially with dating, andidentifying what type of person
you are, is the detachment ofemotion that's required to date
that is difficult for me andwomen period, because there is a
level of detachment because youcould see somebody and you could
(13:43):
have those vibes and thosefeelings. And if you are a woman
who doesn't really like the ideaof dating multiple people, its
exhausting. The thought is very,so not I'm not suggesting what
is it? But the detachment isnecessary. Because we had a
conversation about that too.
Like sometimes your emotions getthey supersede they go too fast.
(14:04):
Too far too soon. Yeah, like yougot to reel it back. That's
Dylan Sellers (14:08):
what I'm feeling here. Yeah, they're like, we're
already like, Well, if hewouldn't be there, he will keep
texting me so week. He don'tknow. You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's like, can we get todate three? Do you don't I'm
saying like, but but my
Sydeni Sellers (14:23):
thing is, how are you going to get to date
three, if you haven't beenconsistent, like what makes?
Dylan Sellers (14:27):
It's not? It's not a it's not.
Morgan Adrine (14:29):
Let's remove the texting everyday thing because
me personally, I know, I can'ttext all day, I text you every
day. We're gonna have phonecalls, and I can't text all day.
I'm busy. And I don't want youto text me all day either. So
let's eliminate the texting butthere should be consistency
there in your communication,right?
Dylan Sellers (14:46):
But there your idea of like communication, you
have to define that. Exactly.
You do. And so like so if I'mcommunicating with you once a
week twice a week, right? Like,let's say it was everyday
because like, if I just metsomebody, you are interested,
I'm like, every day like, whatis going on, but then, but then
(15:09):
I might go into it, but I mightget into my life. And you're not
already a part of that life.
Morgan Adrine (15:18):
But I feel like as a as an adult, you should be
able to prioritize your time,you are not a priority at that
time. No, I under I don't expectto be a priority. But you should
be able to if you are interestedin me, and if you are saying
that you want to get to know me,you should prioritize getting to
know me, whether I'm at thelowest priority, you should have
a time slot and everything inyour day.
Dylan Sellers (15:40):
That's fair, right? We're not saying that he
didn't communicate at all, he'snot communicating enough. This
was a question of consistency.
Right? So it was like, I textedyou or called you every day. And
now it's down to two days. Oh,he don't like me, like, like,
let's back
Sydeni Sellers (15:58):
away. And I wanted to bring but I really
wanted to bring it up becausethis is a thing that like women
deal with, like it's
Morgan Adrine (16:05):
and I will say I don't, I don't know.
Dylan Sellers (16:10):
context, which is why this is freaking me out.
Because like when I go out oftown, I could be out of town for
like seven days. Me andSharmayne, don't talk really
entire seven days, but you
Sydeni Sellers (16:22):
know what, deal with it but at the same but it
is different because which youhave to understand to a
relationship is established andtrust is established already. So
for you to be able to go out oftown for multiple days and not
check in with your wife. That'sa level of trust that you have
earned, that the two of you knowis trust is God. That's
Dylan Sellers (16:44):
that's fair.
Right. But the the inverse istrue as well. Again, you don't
know him and he don't know you.
So why was there trust thatneeded to be established? What
what is happening that like, weare so deep into this, that you
are able to make a decisionabout a person after a week and
a half?
Morgan Adrine (17:01):
I will say for me, I don't assume he's not
interested. But I do askquestions like What's
Dylan Sellers (17:07):
asking questions is fine, right? So like giving
context communicating. You twoare in different places. Yeah,
Sydnei is gonna cut them off.
She can rid off. And she's noteven communicating. I'm gonna
allow a little grace becausehe'll he'll texted, get ghosted,
after things was good. Oh,thanks was great. And like, I
(17:27):
didn't text for a couple ofdays, like, Hey, how you doing?
I was thinking about you. Air?
What did I do? Well, you didn'ttext me immediately. You didn't
know say like, we didn't textall day. So
Morgan Adrine (17:44):
you also have a different tolerance level. And I
do like Sydnei is now
Dylan Sellers (17:48):
out on the table.
What's what's actually happeninghere? Is a response to your
trauma, right? It's experience.
Right? Your experience isleading you into a space that
will keep you in a cycle.
Sydeni Sellers (18:04):
Well, so yes. So that's why one thing about me
is, I'm very self reflective. Soby no means, do I suggest that
this is the spokes person,right? To how you deal with
people. But I do believe thatthere are different things that
you can notice in people thatare not okay. And sometimes you
(18:26):
got to cut them off. I havegiven now I have given the
benefit of the doubt, finger, afinger. The finger, I haven't
given the benefit of the doubt.
I have allowed grace, I havegiven second chances. I think I
think that it's all situationalto like when you know, you know,
and when you think is worth itis worth the patients and the
(18:46):
grace and understanding and
Morgan Adrine (18:50):
because everybody and getting is great.
Dylan Sellers (18:53):
That wasn't the conversation we were having.
Right?
Sydeni Sellers (18:56):
This was about the particular situation.
Stories? Yeah. Well, what I'msaying is, it's a very common
response. And yes, it is becauseof different experiences that
I've experienced, or women alikehave experienced. But I don't
want to negate the fact thatit's because this has happened
to people before. Yeah, youknow, it's not coming from
(19:17):
anywhere,
Dylan Sellers (19:18):
suggesting that it is and I'm not even
suggesting that, like, You'rewrong. It was it's shocking to
me, and also sometimes a bitconfusing, that like we were
that we're that deep in andwe're able to make a make an
assumption about somebodyalready. And so it's like, I
wouldn't make it in this datingworld.
Morgan Adrine (19:38):
And that's our problem.
Dylan Sellers (19:40):
But nobody's dilemma. If if if Sharmayne was
making decisions the way that itsounds like people out here are
making decisions, I wouldn'thave made the cut,
Sydeni Sellers (19:54):
but also dialing you got married to Sharmayne in
what year there are They're noteven just that, I think that
there are a lot of yourdifferent 2014. That's what that
was the one time I was likethinking about the different
influence, instant gratificationis a thing that's a major, like,
men in lust in a detachment fromspirituality and God and knowing
(20:19):
what you want and purpose is alla thing. So that is what keeps
women on guard, like after aweek, if something in my spirit
say, right, so
Morgan Adrine (20:29):
what you exactly
Dylan Sellers (20:32):
are you at that point that he told me? No, but
Sydeni Sellers (20:34):
this is what I'm saying. Like, just off of that
scenario, I get what you'resaying. Like, I think that
thinking about it, like I toldyou, me and my best friend, we
were having this conversation.
And we both agree that thatresponse, whether it her or me,
is a response based off ofnothing, you know, it's a really
emotional emotional influenceresponse. And it's way too much
(20:57):
emphasis and way too muchemotion. Like that was the
conclusion that we came up with,okay. But it was a healthy
conversation to have, because alot of women like if you come in
here, because it's a term thatis very prevalent nowadays. And
it's called love bombing. And Idon't know if you've heard about
love bombing, but it's a thing,man come in, and he swooped you,
(21:18):
okay? He dropped all of thesethings, all of you do all these
nice things. And then a weeklater, you don't hear from
dropping like a bomb. So it'slike, he doesn't got your
emotions all the way up. Andthey hate you, like, you're
feeling your vibe, and they justdisappear. It's a thing. So
like, you have to be aware ofthat, especially if it's
somebody that you like, so I cansee if it was mine, he was
(21:40):
texting me. And it's like, Idon't really care for him. But
if it's somebody that you feellike you could be invested in,
these are different things yougotta pay attention to.
Morgan Adrine (21:48):
And as I say after the after the first date
for me, I know if you aresomebody that I want to continue
dating or not. So okay, we go ona first date Monday night, this
module is the first week of ustalking. And so Monday night,
we're going to date Tuesdaynight, we talking by Wednesday
night, I'm already havingconversations with you. And if I
see this continuing and what Ineed from you communication
wise, so we get to week two, andyou're following up on that was
(22:12):
was good. Like, we're, I know,you heard me, you said you heard
me. You told me what you needit. So why is that not matching?
Sydeni Sellers (22:20):
It's a lot, it really is a lot. It's a lot.
Dylan Sellers (22:25):
That's why That's why and like you said, I got I
have single friends I do. AndI'm like grown grown now. So
like, none of this is making anysense to me. And it's not to
suggest that like, oh, well,Dylan, you've been out of the
game too long. So like you don'tunderstand this, like, people
were still people. Right? Youknow what I'm saying? And so
(22:45):
like, the influences that youhad that instant gratification
piece is a huge thing. But itcan't be the thing that dictates
you because like what'shappening is there's so much
focus on the first few months ofyour relationship. Right? That
like, it's no wonder to me that,like folks aren't getting
married. And when they do theydon't stay married? Yeah.
(23:06):
Because like it is, it isimpossible to maintain anything
like this, this idea of like,consistency, right? It exists,
but it don't in marriage. Right.
Right. Like it is it is verymuch so I have committed to be
with this person through thickand thin ups and downs whether I
like them or raising them sayingso like, there's no practice of
(23:29):
that. And dating, right? Anddating doesn't just mean for you
like for, for it was true beforeInstagram took over the world,
right? Tick tock took over theworld, like, people were getting
their needs met and calling thatdating. And that's not the same
thing. Right? You know what I'msaying? So like, you're, you're
out here, and it's like, well,you know, I like him. She liked
(23:52):
me. And so we start doing thingsthat like, and expecting things
that like husband and wivesexpect. You don't I'm saying
whether that be sex, or spendingcopious amounts of time, or
investing my time and energy inyou. Right in a way that like,
is not sustainable for eitherone of us at this current
(24:14):
juncture.
Morgan Adrine (24:16):
I get that. But I also feel like especially in
today's culture, and environmentwith instant gratification and
everything else, people I'llspeak for guys, a lot of guys
that I have met, they they intowastin time. That is just like
the consistency part is going toshow me if you're really here
(24:37):
for fun, or if you're here toactually do something with you.
Dylan Sellers (24:42):
I don't know that consistency shows you that more
than conversation does
Morgan Adrine (24:45):
conversation cool, but consistency plays a
big part in
Sydeni Sellers (24:50):
that conversation. People got slick
tongues, and this in thissociety. It's gotta be more
about show me versus exactlythat, even that I think it's
just so many differentinfluences. That's why I rely a
lot on my discernment becausesomebody could tell you all day
(25:12):
all night, they give you all daytime and still don't be doing
right you know what I'm saying?
So I think that more so than notI trust my gut trust my gut I
trust my discernment and trustGod but notice what I'm saying
that's what that's mydiscernment comes from like God
literally has to be the authorand the anchor because people be
disguised all the time.
Dylan Sellers (25:33):
So what I don't know what what kind of time we
got left because like now I'mI'm confused because the
question Yeah, I need to knowlike, how your community plays a
role in this and maybe maybethis is something we talk about
on our next episode because youknow, I don't really like to be
(25:54):
going super long right? And thisis y'all done confused me
Sydeni Sellers (26:00):
to bring you outside
Dylan Sellers (26:04):
for a weekend, because it is crazy what you
know what this has been so I saygoodbye right? And I'm here with
letter to my home girls like thenew podcasts that'll be dropping
this summer with the with thehost Sydnei Morgan, and they
have baked my noodle today. Weleft I started the show at a
(26:27):
bell pepper right now. I don'tknow if I'm a pepper anymore
like a banana, banana. I mightbe a banana So I Said Pod and I
just did we out
So I said, I'm not a mind reader. So let's jump
right in and Sydnei How are youfeeling? I'm spicy.
Sydeni Sellers (00:07):
Um, I'm probably sitting at jalapeno.
Morgan Adrine (00:11):
Jalapenos, a little spicy Dylan.
Dylan Sellers (00:14):
Jalapeno.
Definitely bell pepper like,here for color. Definitely very,
very little taste. That's
Morgan Adrine (00:29):
nothing. I will be a banana pepper. I'm a little
tangy, spicy. Given bananapepper.
Dylan Sellers (00:37):
It's gonna be episode. Okay.
Morgan Adrine (00:40):
So let's jump into it. So, I want us to talk
about dating expectations. Andlike I said, not being a mind
reader, especially in yourrelationship. So how are you
feeling I'm saying?
Sydeni Sellers (00:52):
All right. So I have a question scenario for you
guys. Right? So I, me and mybest friend, we have
conversations a lot aboutdating, and just life because
dating is ghetto. Um, so
Dylan Sellers (01:07):
I hear and
Sydeni Sellers (01:08):
out the game for quite some time for a while.
Thank God for Jesus. We weretalking and we were talking
about the dating phase and howwe really despise the dating
phase like it is probably themost draining phase of life to
be honest. That's a lot. Isn'tit? And mainly because people's
(01:33):
intentions you just don't know.
And you have to invest so muchtime. So much emotion, so much
patience, finances, a lot ofstuff into just potentially
dating to find out that thisperson is not it
Morgan Adrine (01:49):
added for clarification. When you say
dating, is this the phase beforeboyfriend girlfriend or is his
boyfriend girlfriend?
Sydeni Sellers (01:55):
So we are talking about dating? As in no
title? No Title. Okay. Yes.
Gotcha. Like, alright, just outthe gate, you get an audience
and I like you. You like me? Youcute. Let's go. Yeah, so we were
talking about that. And we weretalking about consistencies,
right and how there's a lot ofexpectation in dating right off
(02:16):
the bat, especially with women30 And up, like, I mean, I've
dated at this point, if you aretrying to pursue me, you should
have some sort of idea what youwant. Or else why are you in my
face? I'm so just trying todecide whether or not if
somebody lacks consistency afterthe week or so. You should rid
(02:38):
them.
Morgan Adrine (02:42):
Or, like, you should read them.
Sydeni Sellers (02:44):
Yeah. Because we get rid of folks over here.
Okay. Um, or should you extendthem? Grace? Right? Should you
try to analyze whether or notthe things that you're asking
for are things that you shouldbe giving yourself? Are you
asking for too much you just metthis person? Should there be any
(03:04):
type of commitment obligation?
I'm unsure, okay, because myexpectations and standards are
kind of high thing that I amworking through, though, because
I do feel like balance isnecessary. No, there's nothing
wrong with it. But you shouldn'tjust rid people. You shouldn't
just rid people. So that'ssomething that I'm working
(03:26):
through. But I think I want tokind of ask you guys, what it is
that you feel like Morgan anddylan also being married, you
know, you been out the game forquite some time. But, but you
have single friends, you know,so like, What is your
perspective? So let's say I'mgonna give you guys a scenario.
Got it? Okay. Then you can tellme you know, or give me a
(03:47):
scenario. All right, so you'redating this person have dated
them. First week. Amazing textmessages. How you doing? Can't
wait to see you. vibes. Y'all goout. vibes. vibes. It's a vibe
like, Y'all collectively feellike it's a vibe. Okay? The next
few days, communication startsto lack. No reason why no rhyme
(04:10):
or reason. No warning. You get alittle irritated. You know you
like so you was ready. Right nowyou're not ready. Right? So
should you just take that as asign of disinterest? They're not
interested or wait until aconversation is had to deem the
this interest gone. I feel yourbell pepper.
Dylan Sellers (04:40):
I'm here for the color.
Morgan Adrine (04:42):
Do you think so?
Okay, so I'll say this. I'm 25.
So a little bit younger.
However, I have the same mindsetas you in the sense that I'm not
here to waste my time. Like Iknow what I want. I know that I
want to be married one day. Iknow that before I have
children. I want to be married.
So in other words, I'm not hereto waste time. Like, I'm not
(05:02):
here to play games. Tell me whatit is that you want, what you're
looking for how you expect me toshow up for you and trust and
believe that I'm going to do thesame. So I feel like those
conversations are important.
Because off the jump, like, I amalready telling you what I need
from you. Like one of the firstconversations I had with the
person that I'm dating now wascommunication, like, so how many
(05:26):
times because he's also not fromhere? Well, he's from here, but
he doesn't live here. So it wasalso like so how many times do
you expect to check in in a day?
Like, what do you need for me?
Are you a person that you need?
Good morning text? Are you okay?
When I didn't mourn the text,but you want a phone call that
night? having thoseconversations are important
because I feel likecommunication gets rid of a lot
(05:47):
of issues. Obviously. If wecommunicate about our
expectations, and quote,unquote, our guidelines from the
jump, hurt, feelings won't beinvolved. There'll be no, like,
there'll be no Blurred Lines.
However, I do believe inextending people grace, but I
(06:08):
believe that grace comes withthe little clause at the bottom
and fine print. Because forexample, because the example you
gave so okay, you're we'retexting every day for the first
week or whatever. And then thefollowing week, I don't hear
from you. I'm texting you like,hey, what's up i aint heard from
you. I want it I'm gonna flatout ask you like, what do you
(06:29):
like? What's what's going on?
Like, you don't have to tell meyour whole life story. But I
what's going on? Is there'ssomething going on that's caused
you to change yourcommunication. Are you going
through family stuff work stuffwas going on? Okay, no, none of
that. Then what are we doing?
Sydeni Sellers (06:42):
So you know, what's interesting? I don't even
give that. And that's, that'sthe fourth. I don't even reach
out. Because I just feel like Ijust feel like if you were
consistent, and there's abreaking consistency, then you
(07:02):
made a choice. No, very true.
And there's nothing wrong withwhat we're doing. But I'm saying
that's the part of me
Morgan Adrine (07:08):
that I feel is murky water. No, I for you in
that because I also believe thatpeople make time for it. They
want to make time for it. And ifyou want it to talk to me, you
will make time to talk to mejust like you make time to check
Instagram, get on Twitter, lookat ESPN. You will make time to
talk to me. Do you want to talkto me? So that's us. I give
(07:28):
grace within reason becauseespecially in the in the initial
dating phase. Now once weboyfriend, girlfriend, all of us
out the woodwork. You eithergonna get this together or not.
Right? But in that first datingphase, I really do try to give
grace and listen. I'm growingand I'm learning because I
wasn't always patient pray forpatience every day. Oh, this is
patience. Yeah. Wow. Becauseyou're playing you're playing
(07:51):
with my time.
Dylan Sellers (07:54):
So dylan Oh, okay, go. Come on. So I'm going
with the scenario. Okay, so thescenario is week one.
Sydeni Sellers (08:10):
Okay. Yes. This is week. Seven days.
Morgan Adrine (08:12):
Seven days was good. You did one
Dylan Sellers (08:14):
day. Yeah, the vibes were good.
Morgan Adrine (08:17):
Can we clarify one day? Yes. Okay. Okay, let's
go with multiple
Dylan Sellers (08:21):
dates that week.
Let's say today because of youbeat a guy and he gives you
three dates in the first week.
He don't got nothing going onfacts
Morgan Adrine (08:30):
right. Now he's serious about Well, I mean, no,
like
Sydeni Sellers (08:33):
life life.
You'rebusy. I don't have the time.
Dylan Sellers (08:37):
Right. Married and I can't do I can't date
right. So. Every night. Everynight is not a date night. Like
this. So one week, generous. Twodates, got the vibe. And then
(08:58):
the next week. He stops textinga bit. You didn't say that he
ghosted you. So did he just likehe's not? It's not every day.
The day like this it just Wayneor does it stop
Sydeni Sellers (09:15):
so that that communication just dwindles? So
it's not as consistent as it wasbefore.
Morgan Adrine (09:21):
So steady all texting every day you using the
Dylan Sellers (09:25):
word you're using the word consistent, and you
don't have enough time forconsistent. Elaborate,
consistent is over time. Right?
And so like, it's not as much asit was, but you don't know what
consistent is consistent, deemsthat there's a pattern. Right?
Like,
Morgan Adrine (09:47):
it takes seven days to build a habit.
Sydeni Sellers (09:49):
And I in my opinion
Dylan Sellers (09:50):
takes up more time than that.
Sydeni Sellers (09:54):
But my thing is with dating two ways the dating
and the idea of dating I'm areal big firm believer that you
should not provide a vibe youcannot maintain. Okay, so you
are somebody who does not spendall your time texting and making
sure she's okay saying goodmorning on Saturday, you don't
(10:16):
start that sweetheart. Oh mything. You a woman like me, okay
woman like my friends, you can'tpick us up and drop us off and
expect to come pick us back up,right? You have to keep the
momentum up or else there isgoing to be a detachment or some
sort of break. Because in mymind, my mind and how I value
myself.
(10:37):
I'm like hotcakes outside. Youknow, I'm saying like I there is
people that's trying to get withthe kid, you know.
We sat me down on the shelf.
Right. So so that's my thing.
It's the care system see? Fair,the consistency with starting a
starting something out like thatand not being able to maintain
(11:00):
it is the issue that I see witha lot couldn't take that up.
Yeah, it's just that part.
Dylan Sellers (11:07):
Fair. It seems like there's a lot of pressure
here.
Sydeni Sellers (11:13):
And I can admit
Morgan Adrine (11:13):
that there definitely is. But But I feel
like I I know what I'm bringingto the table. Like, I know that.
I don't
Dylan Sellers (11:22):
know what you're bringing to the table. It's only
been a week. I don't I don'tknow. How do you get there,
though? Over time, like,
Morgan Adrine (11:30):
I don't believe I'll show because I a man is
going to show you what he wantsfrom the beginning. He's going
to show you if he if you are theperson that he is willing to.
Sydeni Sellers (11:40):
Listen, Morgan, I got a question for him. Dylan,
when you were dating Sharmayne,right? Were you consistent from
the start to the finish? That'sthe words. Was there ever a time
where she felt like, you weren'tinterested in
Morgan Adrine (11:56):
her? No. And that's how you're married.
That's exactly what we'resaying. Listen, listen.
Dylan Sellers (12:01):
That's not what you said. You said? You said he
hasn't kept up thecommunication. Therefore, I'm
making a decision that he'suninterested. But that's what
you said.
Morgan Adrine (12:12):
Let me ask this.
So if you at any point in time,week two, week three, week four,
had changed what you were doingand how you were treating
Sharmayne, do you think that youguys will be be married today?
Dylan Sellers (12:23):
But she would communicate? Right? Because you
don't? You? I don't know you?
And you
Morgan Adrine (12:28):
don't know me?
Right? There's somecommunication involved does not
know
Dylan Sellers (12:32):
what I'm saying.
Right? Like, an assumption ismade that we should rid a person
after a week, right? Like
Morgan Adrine (12:39):
I said, I'm giving a little bit more grace
and
Dylan Sellers (12:43):
grace, because you gave him the third degree.
What's going on what we do?
Morgan Adrine (12:49):
Realistically, if I don't hear from you, I am
asking like, what's going on?
Why, though? Why? Okay,
Sydeni Sellers (12:55):
so that's my, di, let
Dylan Sellers (12:57):
me let me let me be honest, right. Like, we start
talking and I don't know you,right, like, and then you don't
hear or you don't message meback. Right? I'm moving on until
you message back. Because I havenothing invested there. You are
way too invested after a weekthat you're even considering or
(13:18):
trying to figure out. Like, whata person way to invested. It's
been a week
Sydeni Sellers (13:23):
where I really and me and my best friend were
talking about this. I think thatone of the biggest things,
especially with dating, andidentifying what type of person
you are, is the detachment ofemotion that's required to date
that is difficult for me andwomen period, because there is a
level of detachment because youcould see somebody and you could
(13:43):
have those vibes and thosefeelings. And if you are a woman
who doesn't really like the ideaof dating multiple people, its
exhausting. The thought is very,so not I'm not suggesting what
is it? But the detachment isnecessary. Because we had a
conversation about that too.
Like sometimes your emotions getthey supersede they go too fast.
(14:04):
Too far too soon. Yeah, like yougot to reel it back. That's
Dylan Sellers (14:08):
what I'm feeling here. Yeah, they're like, we're
already like, Well, if hewouldn't be there, he will keep
texting me so week. He don'tknow. You know what I'm saying?
Like, it's like, can we get todate three? Do you don't I'm
saying like, but but my
Sydeni Sellers (14:23):
thing is, how are you going to get to date
three, if you haven't beenconsistent, like what makes?
Dylan Sellers (14:27):
It's not? It's not a it's not.
Morgan Adrine (14:29):
Let's remove the texting everyday thing because
me personally, I know, I can'ttext all day, I text you every
day. We're gonna have phonecalls, and I can't text all day.
I'm busy. And I don't want youto text me all day either. So
let's eliminate the texting butthere should be consistency
there in your communication,right?
Dylan Sellers (14:46):
But there your idea of like communication, you
have to define that. Exactly.
You do. And so like so if I'mcommunicating with you once a
week twice a week, right? Like,let's say it was everyday
because like, if I just metsomebody, you are interested,
I'm like, every day like, whatis going on, but then, but then
(15:09):
I might go into it, but I mightget into my life. And you're not
already a part of that life.
Morgan Adrine (15:18):
But I feel like as a as an adult, you should be
able to prioritize your time,you are not a priority at that
time. No, I under I don't expectto be a priority. But you should
be able to if you are interestedin me, and if you are saying
that you want to get to know me,you should prioritize getting to
know me, whether I'm at thelowest priority, you should have
a time slot and everything inyour day.
Dylan Sellers (15:40):
That's fair, right? We're not saying that he
didn't communicate at all, he'snot communicating enough. This
was a question of consistency.
Right? So it was like, I textedyou or called you every day. And
now it's down to two days. Oh,he don't like me, like, like,
let's back
Sydeni Sellers (15:58):
away. And I wanted to bring but I really
wanted to bring it up becausethis is a thing that like women
deal with, like it's
Morgan Adrine (16:05):
and I will say I don't, I don't know.
Dylan Sellers (16:10):
context, which is why this is freaking me out.
Because like when I go out oftown, I could be out of town for
like seven days. Me andSharmayne, don't talk really
entire seven days, but you
Sydeni Sellers (16:22):
know what, deal with it but at the same but it
is different because which youhave to understand to a
relationship is established andtrust is established already. So
for you to be able to go out oftown for multiple days and not
check in with your wife. That'sa level of trust that you have
earned, that the two of you knowis trust is God. That's
Dylan Sellers (16:44):
that's fair.
Right. But the the inverse istrue as well. Again, you don't
know him and he don't know you.
So why was there trust thatneeded to be established? What
what is happening that like, weare so deep into this, that you
are able to make a decisionabout a person after a week and
a half?
Morgan Adrine (17:01):
I will say for me, I don't assume he's not
interested. But I do askquestions like What's
Dylan Sellers (17:07):
asking questions is fine, right? So like giving
context communicating. You twoare in different places. Yeah,
Sydnei is gonna cut them off.
She can rid off. And she's noteven communicating. I'm gonna
allow a little grace becausehe'll he'll texted, get ghosted,
after things was good. Oh,thanks was great. And like, I
(17:27):
didn't text for a couple ofdays, like, Hey, how you doing?
I was thinking about you. Air?
What did I do? Well, you didn'ttext me immediately. You didn't
know say like, we didn't textall day. So
Morgan Adrine (17:44):
you also have a different tolerance level. And I
do like Sydnei is now
Dylan Sellers (17:48):
out on the table.
What's what's actually happeninghere? Is a response to your
trauma, right? It's experience.
Right? Your experience isleading you into a space that
will keep you in a cycle.
Sydeni Sellers (18:04):
Well, so yes. So that's why one thing about me
is, I'm very self reflective. Soby no means, do I suggest that
this is the spokes person,right? To how you deal with
people. But I do believe thatthere are different things that
you can notice in people thatare not okay. And sometimes you
(18:26):
got to cut them off. I havegiven now I have given the
benefit of the doubt, finger, afinger. The finger, I haven't
given the benefit of the doubt.
I have allowed grace, I havegiven second chances. I think I
think that it's all situationalto like when you know, you know,
and when you think is worth itis worth the patients and the
(18:46):
grace and understanding and
Morgan Adrine (18:50):
because everybody and getting is great.
Dylan Sellers (18:53):
That wasn't the conversation we were having.
Right?
Sydeni Sellers (18:56):
This was about the particular situation.
Stories? Yeah. Well, what I'msaying is, it's a very common
response. And yes, it is becauseof different experiences that
I've experienced, or women alikehave experienced. But I don't
want to negate the fact thatit's because this has happened
to people before. Yeah, youknow, it's not coming from
(19:17):
anywhere,
Dylan Sellers (19:18):
suggesting that it is and I'm not even
suggesting that, like, You'rewrong. It was it's shocking to
me, and also sometimes a bitconfusing, that like we were
that we're that deep in andwe're able to make a make an
assumption about somebodyalready. And so it's like, I
wouldn't make it in this datingworld.
Morgan Adrine (19:38):
And that's our problem.
Dylan Sellers (19:40):
But nobody's dilemma. If if if Sharmayne was
making decisions the way that itsounds like people out here are
making decisions, I wouldn'thave made the cut,
Sydeni Sellers (19:54):
but also dialing you got married to Sharmayne in
what year there are They're noteven just that, I think that
there are a lot of yourdifferent 2014. That's what that
was the one time I was likethinking about the different
influence, instant gratificationis a thing that's a major, like,
men in lust in a detachment fromspirituality and God and knowing
(20:19):
what you want and purpose is alla thing. So that is what keeps
women on guard, like after aweek, if something in my spirit
say, right, so
Morgan Adrine (20:29):
what you exactly
Dylan Sellers (20:32):
are you at that point that he told me? No, but
Sydeni Sellers (20:34):
this is what I'm saying. Like, just off of that
scenario, I get what you'resaying. Like, I think that
thinking about it, like I toldyou, me and my best friend, we
were having this conversation.
And we both agree that thatresponse, whether it her or me,
is a response based off ofnothing, you know, it's a really
emotional emotional influenceresponse. And it's way too much
(20:57):
emphasis and way too muchemotion. Like that was the
conclusion that we came up with,okay. But it was a healthy
conversation to have, because alot of women like if you come in
here, because it's a term thatis very prevalent nowadays. And
it's called love bombing. And Idon't know if you've heard about
love bombing, but it's a thing,man come in, and he swooped you,
(21:18):
okay? He dropped all of thesethings, all of you do all these
nice things. And then a weeklater, you don't hear from
dropping like a bomb. So it'slike, he doesn't got your
emotions all the way up. Andthey hate you, like, you're
feeling your vibe, and they justdisappear. It's a thing. So
like, you have to be aware ofthat, especially if it's
somebody that you like, so I cansee if it was mine, he was
(21:40):
texting me. And it's like, Idon't really care for him. But
if it's somebody that you feellike you could be invested in,
these are different things yougotta pay attention to.
Morgan Adrine (21:48):
And as I say after the after the first date
for me, I know if you aresomebody that I want to continue
dating or not. So okay, we go ona first date Monday night, this
module is the first week of ustalking. And so Monday night,
we're going to date Tuesdaynight, we talking by Wednesday
night, I'm already havingconversations with you. And if I
see this continuing and what Ineed from you communication
wise, so we get to week two, andyou're following up on that was
(22:12):
was good. Like, we're, I know,you heard me, you said you heard
me. You told me what you needit. So why is that not matching?
Sydeni Sellers (22:20):
It's a lot, it really is a lot. It's a lot.
Dylan Sellers (22:25):
That's why That's why and like you said, I got I
have single friends I do. AndI'm like grown grown now. So
like, none of this is making anysense to me. And it's not to
suggest that like, oh, well,Dylan, you've been out of the
game too long. So like you don'tunderstand this, like, people
were still people. Right? Youknow what I'm saying? And so
(22:45):
like, the influences that youhad that instant gratification
piece is a huge thing. But itcan't be the thing that dictates
you because like what'shappening is there's so much
focus on the first few months ofyour relationship. Right? That
like, it's no wonder to me that,like folks aren't getting
married. And when they do theydon't stay married? Yeah.
(23:06):
Because like it is, it isimpossible to maintain anything
like this, this idea of like,consistency, right? It exists,
but it don't in marriage. Right.
Right. Like it is it is verymuch so I have committed to be
with this person through thickand thin ups and downs whether I
like them or raising them sayingso like, there's no practice of
(23:29):
that. And dating, right? Anddating doesn't just mean for you
like for, for it was true beforeInstagram took over the world,
right? Tick tock took over theworld, like, people were getting
their needs met and calling thatdating. And that's not the same
thing. Right? You know what I'msaying? So like, you're, you're
out here, and it's like, well,you know, I like him. She liked
(23:52):
me. And so we start doing thingsthat like, and expecting things
that like husband and wivesexpect. You don't I'm saying
whether that be sex, or spendingcopious amounts of time, or
investing my time and energy inyou. Right in a way that like,
is not sustainable for eitherone of us at this current
(24:14):
juncture.
Morgan Adrine (24:16):
I get that. But I also feel like especially in
today's culture, and environmentwith instant gratification and
everything else, people I'llspeak for guys, a lot of guys
that I have met, they they intowastin time. That is just like
the consistency part is going toshow me if you're really here
(24:37):
for fun, or if you're here toactually do something with you.
Dylan Sellers (24:42):
I don't know that consistency shows you that more
than conversation does
Morgan Adrine (24:45):
conversation cool, but consistency plays a
big part in
Sydeni Sellers (24:50):
that conversation. People got slick
tongues, and this in thissociety. It's gotta be more
about show me versus exactlythat, even that I think it's
just so many differentinfluences. That's why I rely a
lot on my discernment becausesomebody could tell you all day
(25:12):
all night, they give you all daytime and still don't be doing
right you know what I'm saying?
So I think that more so than notI trust my gut trust my gut I
trust my discernment and trustGod but notice what I'm saying
that's what that's mydiscernment comes from like God
literally has to be the authorand the anchor because people be
disguised all the time.
Dylan Sellers (25:33):
So what I don't know what what kind of time we
got left because like now I'mI'm confused because the
question Yeah, I need to knowlike, how your community plays a
role in this and maybe maybethis is something we talk about
on our next episode because youknow, I don't really like to be
(25:54):
going super long right? And thisis y'all done confused me
Sydeni Sellers (26:00):
to bring you outside
Dylan Sellers (26:04):
for a weekend, because it is crazy what you
know what this has been so I saygoodbye right? And I'm here with
letter to my home girls like thenew podcasts that'll be dropping
this summer with the with thehost Sydnei Morgan, and they
have baked my noodle today. Weleft I started the show at a
(26:27):
bell pepper right now. I don'tknow if I'm a pepper anymore
like a banana, banana. I mightbe a banana So I Said Pod and I
just did we out
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Therapy Gecko
An unlicensed lizard psychologist travels the universe talking to strangers about absolutely nothing. TO CALL THE GECKO: follow me on https://www.twitch.tv/lyleforever to get a notification for when I am taking calls. I am usually live Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays but lately a lot of other times too. I am a gecko.