April 19, 2023 • 10 mins
The one where Sharmayne and Dylan talk about connecting with familiar trauma.
@soisaidmedia
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dylan Sellers (00:00):
So I said, I think I'm attracted to my
trauma.
Sharmayne Sellers (00:05):
Wow. I'm saying I hear my guy.
Dylan Sellers (00:08):
Okay. To be fair to be fair, that's true, too.
Yeah. It's actually one of thethings like if we're honest,
that almost broke us up. Okay,how so? Because
Sharmayne Sellers (00:25):
we broke up like, a couple times. Yeah, it's
fine.
Dylan Sellers (00:29):
podcast for another day. But, uh, I think
this is more recently, right.
The problem was, we both we bothgot healed. Yeah. And we didn't
know how to interact with eachother. Because our traumas
matched. Right? I like to beneeded. Yeah. You were needy.
(00:52):
Yeah. And so the traumas worked.
Yeah. So like, they fit Yeah,right. Then you went to therapy.
And I went to therapy. And wetalked, we started to get
healed. And then we didn'treally know how to interact with
each other different people,different people. And so like,
(01:13):
how do you stay together afterthat? But I still think that,
like, I attract my trauma,right? The people that I find in
relationship, I attract mytrauma, what am I supposed to do
with that? Or like, how do Inavigate those spaces? When I
find myself, like, attractedreally to myself?
Sharmayne Sellers (01:33):
I think that for me, is this is probably
gonna sound conceited, but like,I love it, because I speak that
language. So I don't have to doa whole lot of guessing. I mean,
of course, everybody's situationis different and unique to them.
But a lot of the overarchingthemes are similar, right? So
for me, I'm like, Oh, I'm aboutto shine like we are here. I
(01:54):
understand what this means. Iget this. I attract a lot of
people who are like working withkids, the ones who are the most
difficult, don't give me anyissues nobody else in the
building wants to deal with. Or,you know, even some of our
church members. Like, there's alot of similarity with me and
(02:15):
the women that we serve.
Dylan Sellers (02:16):
So well. How do you make those relationships
work? Right? Because like, ifyou're attracted to your trauma,
usually what I end up with alsoends up happening is like, that
trauma shows up, and not the sonice way, right? It causes
friction. So how do you decidereally, like, what's yours?
What's theirs? How do you makethe how do you do the barriers,
(02:42):
right? How do you how do youmake, make the relationship
still work, even inrelationships where like, I'm
saying, like your friends,right?
Sharmayne Sellers (02:51):
It really is.
For me, it has been, it has beenunique to the person and
depending on the situation. Sothere were some instances where
I had friendships, where I saw alot of myself in them, but like
the unhealed, still working itout version. And when I first
started to recognize it someyears ago, I put a huge distance
(03:14):
in between us, because it mademe really uncomfortable. In that
moment, I didn't necessarilyrealize that I was looking at
myself, I just knew that Ididn't like what I was seeing.
And then over time, as I'mspending more time in therapy,
I'm realizing that I want todistance myself from it, because
(03:37):
it's a reflection of somethingthat I'm trying to get away from
within myself. So like, I don'twant to be reminded of it. So I
don't want to be around you.
Dylan Sellers (03:49):
So you have taken it out on those people, because
you didn't want to deal with you
Sharmayne Sellers (03:52):
that part.
And so then you get you get evenmore healing and with healing,
usually comes maturity. And sonow, because I speak that
language, somebody has to beable to translate for them.
Because now I can speak. I mean,for lack of a better phrase
broken and healed. Because Iunderstand what that means I
understand where that came from,I understand why you're saying
(04:14):
this thing this way, or thestruggle that you're having with
even trusting me or opening upto me, like you'll tell me half
of the story. Or you'll saysomething, and like we both know
what you mean, but for somereason you're leaving out
details are? Yeah, any sum. Andso for that, that I understand
what that means there's, I wantto trust you and I'm just gonna
(04:38):
give you a little bit to seewhat you do with it. And then if
I like the way that you respond,I'll tell you more walls. Wow.
And so, brick by brick, I'llstart removing them so you can
see more of me. But be clear. Ifyou say something wrong in
bricks go right back up. LikeThat's a fact this is this is a
(05:00):
working project
Dylan Sellers (05:03):
to build houses because of that, I'm sure.
Sharmayne Sellers (05:06):
And so for, for me, I've just with healing
and being a First Lady, you haveto learn patience. You cannot
interact with people and hopethat they figure it out. And the
timeframe that you think itshould happen, because if I'm
(05:26):
being honest with myself, ittook me years to figure this
out. And just because I haven'tfigured it out now, I can't I'm
not I, it's unfair to try tospeed up somebody else's
timeline.
Dylan Sellers (05:38):
So what you're saying is like, you recognizing
the trauma in you, gives youempathy, yes. allows for some
grace to be present. And I thinkthat that's important if we're
talking like, relationships,right? I mean, at the at the
bottom of this, right, like, andit's really like, honesty and
(06:03):
truth.
Sharmayne Sellers (06:03):
Yes. That was the, when you asked me like, how
do you deal with it, I say,honest, I would say honesty and
vulnerability. Becauseoftentimes, I, I am attracted
to, or women who are attractedto me are very, very strong,
very independent, and handlebusiness, make it do what it do,
(06:25):
but at the same time, needsomeplace to fall apart. And
don't feel like they have thatoption, because they're always
responsible for puttingeverything else together. So I'm
so busy putting all of thistogether, where does where's my
space? So fall apart? Which iswhy I'm not telling you
everything, because I don't knowif I can trust you,
Dylan Sellers (06:43):
right? And usually what I'm saying what
you're talking about, like womenwho are go getters, nobody
starts out that way. Right? Andso like, it's because they
recognize that like, ain'tnobody coming, and nobody come
in. I can't trust it. You know,I'm saying I didn't do it
myself. And that's, that's womenand men, by the way, right?
(07:03):
That, like, I got to do it on myown. And so like, what comes
with the being willing to workuntil the wee hours in the
morning and get up and do it allover again. There's some trauma
there, right? Where you don'tvalue rest. You know what I'm
saying? Like? So like, you know,that's a podcast day about the
(07:25):
crypto that in there, right?
Because rest is holy baby. Thisthing is only if God needed to
rest, so do you apart? That's awhole other thing. But I
appreciate you breaking thatdown. Because I think that I
find myself in those situationspretty regularly. Were the
people who I'm attracted to, orare or are attracted to me. And
(07:46):
the ones that I bump heads withthe most right? Are people who
reflect the trauma that I'mtrying to get away from. I think
you articulated thatbeautifully. I appreciate it,
Sharmayne Sellers (08:00):
I think. So in those moments, I used to be
frustrated, because I'm like,Why? Why is the same person.
Every time I turn around, like,here's a new person who had the
same issues. But now I look atit as an opportunity to be
thankful and empathetic. Becauseif I had not surrendered to the
(08:22):
process of healing and knowingmyself and doing the work, then
God wouldn't trust me with thosepeople. Because you have to they
have to be able to see what'spossible on the other side. And
not that I have it all together,but I fought like hell to heal
(08:42):
from situations,unapologetically. So when you're
around me, we're not stayinghere.
Dylan Sellers (08:48):
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. As a man you don't
pull it out your bag was back wecome out. That was the Lord
Listen, I don't mean be a haterright now. Like I'm gonna let
you I'm gonna let that live. I'mlet that live. So this was so I
said, and Sharmayne just did andwe out
So I said, I think I'm attracted to my
trauma.
Sharmayne Sellers (00:05):
Wow. I'm saying I hear my guy.
Dylan Sellers (00:08):
Okay. To be fair to be fair, that's true, too.
Yeah. It's actually one of thethings like if we're honest,
that almost broke us up. Okay,how so? Because
Sharmayne Sellers (00:25):
we broke up like, a couple times. Yeah, it's
fine.
Dylan Sellers (00:29):
podcast for another day. But, uh, I think
this is more recently, right.
The problem was, we both we bothgot healed. Yeah. And we didn't
know how to interact with eachother. Because our traumas
matched. Right? I like to beneeded. Yeah. You were needy.
(00:52):
Yeah. And so the traumas worked.
Yeah. So like, they fit Yeah,right. Then you went to therapy.
And I went to therapy. And wetalked, we started to get
healed. And then we didn'treally know how to interact with
each other different people,different people. And so like,
(01:13):
how do you stay together afterthat? But I still think that,
like, I attract my trauma,right? The people that I find in
relationship, I attract mytrauma, what am I supposed to do
with that? Or like, how do Inavigate those spaces? When I
find myself, like, attractedreally to myself?
Sharmayne Sellers (01:33):
I think that for me, is this is probably
gonna sound conceited, but like,I love it, because I speak that
language. So I don't have to doa whole lot of guessing. I mean,
of course, everybody's situationis different and unique to them.
But a lot of the overarchingthemes are similar, right? So
for me, I'm like, Oh, I'm aboutto shine like we are here. I
(01:54):
understand what this means. Iget this. I attract a lot of
people who are like working withkids, the ones who are the most
difficult, don't give me anyissues nobody else in the
building wants to deal with. Or,you know, even some of our
church members. Like, there's alot of similarity with me and
(02:15):
the women that we serve.
Dylan Sellers (02:16):
So well. How do you make those relationships
work? Right? Because like, ifyou're attracted to your trauma,
usually what I end up with alsoends up happening is like, that
trauma shows up, and not the sonice way, right? It causes
friction. So how do you decidereally, like, what's yours?
What's theirs? How do you makethe how do you do the barriers,
(02:42):
right? How do you how do youmake, make the relationship
still work, even inrelationships where like, I'm
saying, like your friends,right?
Sharmayne Sellers (02:51):
It really is.
For me, it has been, it has beenunique to the person and
depending on the situation. Sothere were some instances where
I had friendships, where I saw alot of myself in them, but like
the unhealed, still working itout version. And when I first
started to recognize it someyears ago, I put a huge distance
(03:14):
in between us, because it mademe really uncomfortable. In that
moment, I didn't necessarilyrealize that I was looking at
myself, I just knew that Ididn't like what I was seeing.
And then over time, as I'mspending more time in therapy,
I'm realizing that I want todistance myself from it, because
(03:37):
it's a reflection of somethingthat I'm trying to get away from
within myself. So like, I don'twant to be reminded of it. So I
don't want to be around you.
Dylan Sellers (03:49):
So you have taken it out on those people, because
you didn't want to deal with you
Sharmayne Sellers (03:52):
that part.
And so then you get you get evenmore healing and with healing,
usually comes maturity. And sonow, because I speak that
language, somebody has to beable to translate for them.
Because now I can speak. I mean,for lack of a better phrase
broken and healed. Because Iunderstand what that means I
understand where that came from,I understand why you're saying
(04:14):
this thing this way, or thestruggle that you're having with
even trusting me or opening upto me, like you'll tell me half
of the story. Or you'll saysomething, and like we both know
what you mean, but for somereason you're leaving out
details are? Yeah, any sum. Andso for that, that I understand
what that means there's, I wantto trust you and I'm just gonna
(04:38):
give you a little bit to seewhat you do with it. And then if
I like the way that you respond,I'll tell you more walls. Wow.
And so, brick by brick, I'llstart removing them so you can
see more of me. But be clear. Ifyou say something wrong in
bricks go right back up. LikeThat's a fact this is this is a
(05:00):
working project
Dylan Sellers (05:03):
to build houses because of that, I'm sure.
Sharmayne Sellers (05:06):
And so for, for me, I've just with healing
and being a First Lady, you haveto learn patience. You cannot
interact with people and hopethat they figure it out. And the
timeframe that you think itshould happen, because if I'm
(05:26):
being honest with myself, ittook me years to figure this
out. And just because I haven'tfigured it out now, I can't I'm
not I, it's unfair to try tospeed up somebody else's
timeline.
Dylan Sellers (05:38):
So what you're saying is like, you recognizing
the trauma in you, gives youempathy, yes. allows for some
grace to be present. And I thinkthat that's important if we're
talking like, relationships,right? I mean, at the at the
bottom of this, right, like, andit's really like, honesty and
(06:03):
truth.
Sharmayne Sellers (06:03):
Yes. That was the, when you asked me like, how
do you deal with it, I say,honest, I would say honesty and
vulnerability. Becauseoftentimes, I, I am attracted
to, or women who are attractedto me are very, very strong,
very independent, and handlebusiness, make it do what it do,
(06:25):
but at the same time, needsomeplace to fall apart. And
don't feel like they have thatoption, because they're always
responsible for puttingeverything else together. So I'm
so busy putting all of thistogether, where does where's my
space? So fall apart? Which iswhy I'm not telling you
everything, because I don't knowif I can trust you,
Dylan Sellers (06:43):
right? And usually what I'm saying what
you're talking about, like womenwho are go getters, nobody
starts out that way. Right? Andso like, it's because they
recognize that like, ain'tnobody coming, and nobody come
in. I can't trust it. You know,I'm saying I didn't do it
myself. And that's, that's womenand men, by the way, right?
(07:03):
That, like, I got to do it on myown. And so like, what comes
with the being willing to workuntil the wee hours in the
morning and get up and do it allover again. There's some trauma
there, right? Where you don'tvalue rest. You know what I'm
saying? Like? So like, you know,that's a podcast day about the
(07:25):
crypto that in there, right?
Because rest is holy baby. Thisthing is only if God needed to
rest, so do you apart? That's awhole other thing. But I
appreciate you breaking thatdown. Because I think that I
find myself in those situationspretty regularly. Were the
people who I'm attracted to, orare or are attracted to me. And
(07:46):
the ones that I bump heads withthe most right? Are people who
reflect the trauma that I'mtrying to get away from. I think
you articulated thatbeautifully. I appreciate it,
Sharmayne Sellers (08:00):
I think. So in those moments, I used to be
frustrated, because I'm like,Why? Why is the same person.
Every time I turn around, like,here's a new person who had the
same issues. But now I look atit as an opportunity to be
thankful and empathetic. Becauseif I had not surrendered to the
(08:22):
process of healing and knowingmyself and doing the work, then
God wouldn't trust me with thosepeople. Because you have to they
have to be able to see what'spossible on the other side. And
not that I have it all together,but I fought like hell to heal
(08:42):
from situations,unapologetically. So when you're
around me, we're not stayinghere.
Dylan Sellers (08:48):
Yeah. Yeah, that's good. As a man you don't
pull it out your bag was back wecome out. That was the Lord
Listen, I don't mean be a haterright now. Like I'm gonna let
you I'm gonna let that live. I'mlet that live. So this was so I
said, and Sharmayne just did andwe out
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