February 15, 2024 • 44 mins
Discovering that you're adopted can be like opening a book mid-story; you scramble to piece together the narrative that led you here. Our podcast, "So I'm Adopted," is that space where the adoption narrative unfolds, where stories of emotional complexity within adoptive families, biological parents, and adoptees heal and connect us. Adoptees often wander between identities and relationships, and it is through the raw honesty of their stories that we unearth the importance of acceptance and maintenance in these unique bonds. Join us as we share tales from Manchester to Hampton and beyond, inviting you to reflect on the power of relationships in shaping who we are.
The journey of understanding adoption doesn't stop at the personal; it ripples through every layer of our lives, influencing how we perceive and engage with the world. This podcast episode doesn't shy away from the complexities, whether it's the impact of non-traditional relationships on adoptive communities or how past traumas might shadow our present realities. It's a candid exploration of how being raised in one environment can wholly affect one's approach to marriage and family life. As your host, I interlace my anecdotes with insights from professionals, prioritizing emotional intelligence and patience as cornerstones for nurturing change in those we love.
Through the lens of my own story, as someone who didn't discover their adoption story until later in life, we navigate the delicate process of sharing vulnerabilities and fostering transparency. The episode unfolds with tales of unexpected family revelations and the transformative potential of love, patience, and nurturing. Every adoption story holds a unique significance, and we're here to amplify these voices, encouraging our listeners to seek understanding and healing in their narratives. Get ready to connect deeply with a community that celebrates the strength found in our shared vulnerabilities.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
Tell us your story or leave a comment by following us on
IG soimadoptedpod
FB so.i'm adopted
Youtube SO...I'M ADOPTED
Email soimadopted@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:11):
Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk
everything adoption.
This journey is not one we takealone.
Together we grapple with rawemotions that surface from
adoption stories.
We want you to be comfortableenough to heal, so sit back and
go with us on this journey as wedive deep into adoption.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Welcome to another episode of.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
So I'm.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Adopted.
We wanted to create a space foradoption's truths to be shared.
We have a common bond betweenthe two of us.
However, our stories are very,very different, completely
different, completely.
We are the space where we feelthat we'll give everybody an
opportunity to have meaningfulconversations, listen to our
(01:01):
conversations and try toencourage other people to listen
, and hopefully this will givesome type of comfort to others
to want to come and share theirstories with us.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Absolutely.
This podcast is where we'llhear adoption stories from other
adoptees adoptive parents,biological families.
We will also have input fromlicensed professionals such as
psychologists, social workers,and get a deeper understanding
of adoption in the journey.
Hopefully, these stories andperspectives will give hope and
(01:35):
understanding and even somecourage to those who have an
adoption story or even thinkingabout adopting.
While you know, the whole timewe want to make sure that
there's levels of reconciliation, acceptance and maintenance.
Those are the things that weidentified as part of the
adoption journey and those aresome things that we're going to
(01:57):
consistently anchor in when wehighlight them on our podcast.
So we're just excited to havethis platform and excited that
you all have been joining us andgiving us encouragement, as we
are vulnerable with this,because this is not an easy task
, you know, especially in ourculture, our families.
We don't talk about the certainthings, and I put things
(02:21):
because, you know, families havesecrets and we're at a point
now where we want to bring tolife and talk about them from a
healthy perspective.
So we encourage you, you know,hit that like button, share it
and subscribe, because we'regoing to have some very great
dialogues.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Yes, we're going to laugh, we're going to cry a
little bit of everything duringthese episodes.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
So please share, like , subscribe and leave a comment
yeah leave us a comment, becausethere will be spaces for other
stories.
We don't want to be the onlyones here talking.
There will be a season wherewe'll go live so that we can get
feedback from individuals.
The amount of feedback thatwe've gotten so far is amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Before we even get to the feedback, we want to give
you a little backstory of howthis came about.
So, Lisa, I'm going to put youon the spot of how this came
about.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Oh, well, I guess, since it was my brainchild.
Yeah, maybe a couple of yearsago and we were doing a crew
function.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Right, we were doing a function and I was like John,
you need to do a podcast.
And I was totally against it.
I was initially.
I was like I don't have timeand nobody wants to hear our
story.
That was my mindset, but it hasbeen complete opposite, with
(03:48):
you pushing and being consistentof no, we need to get our story
out.
I think in the two weeks thatwe've been up, the rewards or
the fruits of our labor havebeen amazing, just with the
little nuggets of people drawingto the stories and the
different commonalities.
One thing that I think we haveidentified is that we had a
(04:11):
mindset that the podcast wouldbe one thing, but ultimately
what we've identified is itdeals with non-traditional
relationships.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Yes, it does.
I definitely agree with you.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
And I think that relationships is something that
everybody in the world has todeal with on one platform or
another.
And then there are oftentimesthat those of us who are in the
adoptive world, we don't reallyknow how we fit in those
dynamics and those narratives.
So part of what we want to dois take the ownership of our
narratives in a healthy space,and that's why we want to have
(04:46):
some professionals.
So if you're a professional andyou have some resources for us,
please send us an email atgmailcom, leave a comment on
YouTube or Spotify, apple,whichever platform you're using,
because, again, it takes avillage and that is not just for
little kids, even for adults.
It takes a village to besupported.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
It does.
You ain't saying that littleword right there.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Indeed.
So let's what we didn't do inthe first two episodes, because
this is our third episode.
What we didn't do is kind oftell you who we are.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
So who are you?
So who am I?
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
How'd you know who I was?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I know who I am.
They don't know who you are.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
So you know just a little bit background for me.
I'm married with three kids.
I'm originally from obviouslyfrom New Jersey.
I've mentioned that before Asmall town called Manchester
With now I found out that it'san actual city, because that
wasn't a city back when.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
I was there, it was a township, Township.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
So we didn't have.
You know, our address wouldalways say another city other
than Manchester.
So we've grown over the years.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
So y'all had like a pig and that you did have a pig.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I did not have a pig.
I did not have a big pig.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
But the town had a pig.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
The town did not have a pig.
Okay, that's because it saysgarden state Doesn't mean
there's farms everywhere.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
I didn't know.
Now we know.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
So let me tell you, we're Manchester, so you kind of
had an idea.
So you know the show JerseyShore.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
I've heard of it, never watched it.
Sorry, I've never watched it.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Snooky or something like that.
Snooky, there it is and thesituation.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
What situation?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
That's his name.
One of the people on that,anywho.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
I lived in that area.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Okay, were they there , like did you go to school with
them?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
No, I don't even think they lived in that area.
They just did the show there,so I don't think they're really
from the area.
Yeah, that's like a stompingground.
Seaside Heights is a stompingground for.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
So inserts, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Just for, I think MTV or whatever Gotcha Not that
I've ever watched it, justputting that out there.
I just never did it.
But, I know of the place.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
The claim to fame.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Yes, all right.
So yeah, I grew up there and Iwent to college at Hampton, the
Hampton University.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Say so, say so what.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
H-U and I got married and I haven't left this
Virginia state since then.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
So I have a question With you being adopted and it's
just a yes or no, we're goingprobably another episode.
Do you think your adoption hada impact on your viewpoint or
lens of marriage?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yes, okay, oh, absolutely Okay.
Yeah, we can get into thatlater, but yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
And the reason I ask.
That was part of oneconversation of feedback I got.
Somebody was talking about howtheir significant other being
adopted impacted their marriageand how they viewed things, and
I have my own biases as well.
Like I said, we'll have a wholeconversation.
I think we have to be truthfulin how our past experiences
(08:12):
impact how we interact and howwe view situations.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yes, but we got to keep in mind I was married for
years before I even knew I wasadopted.
However, because of theinfluence of the environment
that I grew up in, myperspective and view of what a
marriage was, that's what I wasalways chasing after.
Because of what I've seen, Okay.
(08:37):
You know now, if I was in myyou know, actual biological
family, my real life sort ofspeak, my view may be different.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
But the marriages that I saw in front of me were
marriages that I wanted.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
It makes perfect sense, it makes perfect sense.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
So it in a way, yes, it did Not without me knowing
the truth.
It's still influencing me,Gotcha.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
All right.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So what about you?
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Where you hail from.
I hail from Richmond, Virginia,Been in the Hampton Roads area
which is in Virginia that'sconsidered your Newport News,
Hampton, Williamsburg, thatwhole area, Hampton Roads.
I've been here since 94, wentto the Hampton University.
Say it again the HamptonUniversity and I never left
(09:38):
after college, started workingin education, started coaching
and never left this area.
My wife she graduated fromHampton University as well.
Say it again, she graduatedfrom Hampton University as well.
So we are a Hampton family andyou know my adoption journey.
You gotta go back to episodetwo so you can hear it.
I've known since I was aboutsix or seven years old that I
(10:01):
was adopted, so that has alwaysbeen in my subconscious.
I just didn't know at such ayoung age that that was
impacting how I view things.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
You know what I'm saying.
So it was having an impact, butI didn't have the ability to
articulate, nor did I have theemotional intelligence to
understand.
This is why I respond this way.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Well, you know, I was gonna ask you that question,
since you knew so early.
Did you feel that and I don'tknow how much of understanding
you had of adoption, like youknow did you feel like, oh,
maybe I need to make sure I, youknow, act right, because maybe
they may send me back, or youknow?
(10:50):
Did you feel like you werespecial than your friends or
your cousins or you know otherfamily, because of you were
adopted?
How did you feel?
Speaker 2 (10:59):
I never had the mindset of being sent back.
That was never, because I wasalways there Like I didn't have
somewhere else, and then I wasuprooted and planted.
So it was always this is myfamily nucleus.
I did have moments where Iquestioned well, I'm different,
so do I really fit in Because Ididn't have the same bloodline?
(11:22):
But that wasn't because of lackof love, that wasn't because of
lack of support andunderstanding.
They did everything, above andbeyond, to make sure that I was
part of that, you know family.
So I really I didn't lack inthat regard and I think we have
to really put on the table thatour stories, we're blessed in
(11:42):
our story.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Oh, absolutely.
There are a lot of stories thatpeople don't have.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
You know, a positive.
I'm just not even gonna say apositive ending, just a positive
, because there's so manynarratives with non-traditional
relationships and again we standrepresenting a small window of
what adoption looks like.
This is why we need you all tohelp us give us your stories,
(12:07):
give us your feedback.
Like I said, send us comments,send us stories.
We are inviting people.
We already have two people thatwe're gonna be bringing on in
the next couple of episodes thatwanna share their stories.
And again, every story isindividualized and we wanna
create a culture of support sothat now we can have a voice and
we can begin our healingjourney that healing is a choice
(12:30):
.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
And we don't wanna just have, you know, I guess,
feel good stories that ends.
You know, like we said, we'reblessed, but not everybody was
fortunate enough to be in afamily that loved them as our
parents loved us, veryunconditionally.
(12:52):
So we wanna hear those storiesas well.
We wanna be able to help them.
We wanna be able to, you know,let them get through that.
You know, because we're aboutthe acceptance, the
reconciliation and themaintenance of moving forward.
That's because there's storiesout there that and well, there
(13:13):
are stories that's out therethat don't end well and they
still struggle.
So we wanna be there to helpthem, be that catalyst for them
to move forward in a healthy way, anything that we can do to
help them.
That's our goal.
That's our goal.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
And then we will be vulnerable.
This is a vulnerable moment.
So I'm gonna ask a question,lisa, now that you've done the
first episode and you gotta goback and look at, because she
told her story in the firstepisode of her adoption journey
and then I told mine in thesecond.
So when we jumped in and we didthis, like I said, it was a
organic conversation.
(13:51):
How did you feel after you toldyour story?
Speaker 1 (13:57):
I felt relieved.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Why relieved?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Because telling your story your journey to the masses
is, and being transparent,that's big.
That's huge.
You know.
It's like you know.
Once my episode was released,it felt like you know, I took
the band-aid off, I pulled theband-aid off and it is what it
(14:24):
is.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So you didn't have any interpretation.
No, unreadiness.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Oh, I was stressed.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Oh, okay, all right, let's be honest.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
I was anxious, I was nervous, I just didn't know how.
Not necessarily you know peopleI don't know, but people I do
know, people that are within myimmediate family.
You know my siblings, my youknow cousin's family, and I've
mentioned before my father wasone of 11 kids, so I have a lot
(14:57):
of cousins and aunts and allthat stuff, a lot of family.
So just a nervousness of howthey would, you know, receive it
and I didn't say anything.
That wasn't my truth.
I spoke my truth, how I feltabout it, you know, but that
(15:22):
wasn't what I received.
As far as comments, you know,when I got some feedback, oh,
and we can dive into that lateron, but the feedback was nothing
what I had envisioned in myhead.
That it may be.
You know what I'm saying.
So that was the nervousness,the anxiousness, before I hit it
.
I know I didn't tell you, Ijust tried to, you know, deal
(15:47):
with it for myself.
And you know, because there'smany times, you know, because I
was kind of procrastinating andpushing it off.
pushing it off and you know yougo and make a long stay and I'm
like, oh, okay, we're doing this.
But I needed that, you know,because again I still had that
(16:08):
fear, that nervousness of youknow, of how is everybody going
to accept it, you know, are theynot gonna like it?
They're like why are you doingthis?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
you know, but it's interesting to hear you say that
, because while we were in theplanning stages, even after
recording the first episode, Inever picked up on that fear
element.
Oh, yeah, it was and I'll behonest, it was by design that
you told your story first.
I was very intentional of yeah,push you out there.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
At least you do your thing.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
And I will tell you.
After yours came out and westarted to get some traction and
the feedback and people weresaying her story was amazing and
they had questions becausethere was some things and dots
you didn't connect.
But then the next statement wasso I can't wait to hear your
story.
And it put a pressure on me andI'm trying to figure out why
(17:03):
because, again, I've been havingthis story for 40 plus years
and I've told it.
It's been no secret but, likeyou said, now I'm putting it out
there to the masses, in aposition where I'm trying to
help others in addition tohelping myself.
But it's a vulnerable momentbecause I was concerned of, if I
(17:24):
tell my truth, how will itimpact A, b and C.
Exactly, exactly, and even yearslater, I still have that, I'm
gonna say, security blanket, butthat protection mode, because
it is my story, but there areothers that are impacted by my
story.
Absolutely, and I think, well,I can't speak for everybody.
(17:45):
Again, like I said, werepresent a small, small dynamic
, but for me, yeah, I own thestory, but I still feel
accountable to the other playersin the game, if I can just be
honest.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
That's how I felt.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And I would be curious, maybe somebody again
who's a professional licensedcounselor of some sort.
Maybe there is a connection orsomething of what that is.
Give us the language, so pleasereach back out to us with that.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
But I'm glad that we pushed each other and moved
forward and we didn't stand ourfear, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Yeah, I think that there is freedom in transparency
.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Because it's like the toothpaste Once you squeeze it
out of the tube, you can't putit back in.
So at this point we're outthere and we're getting traction
and it's rolling, so I'mexcited about it.
So what type of feedback didyou get?
Let's start there.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
So there's a lot of feedback that I received Just so
many from various people andthrough the stages of my life,
and one of the comments was youwere definitely loved.
You and your mom had a specialrelationship that they always
(19:00):
was in awe of, With my dad andmy mom being who they were.
People saw that and they sawthe genuineness that they had
for me and my brother.
It wasn't, like you know, itwas a some people like a payday
(19:21):
or whatever for the financialpart of it.
It wasn't that at all.
Bigs knew love to us and wewere her pride and joy.
He was pride, I was joy.
Haven't really figured out whyshe didn't call me joy.
But that's another day foranother time.
(19:43):
But you know what?
Before my real name, that mybiological mother gave me is
Audra.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Audra.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Audra.
So I'm not Audra Audra.
Well, she likes A's, cause mysisters biological sisters names
begin with A's as well.
Audra, okay, audra, audra, yeah, that was the name that she
would have given me.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
So let me ask this what was the most surprising
piece of feedback that you got?
Speaker 1 (20:16):
The most surprising feedback that I received was my
cousin.
He's on my mother's side, on myadopted mother's side, and he
spent a lot of time with herwhen he was growing up and he
just gave me quite a bit ofinsight that I wasn't aware of.
I was too young to remember.
(20:37):
And just even talking about the, you know, in my story I
referenced adoptive brother thatI had.
That was constant.
Everybody else was probably inand out, in and out, but he was
always constant.
He was there before I was there, and so I mentioned to him how
(20:59):
you know he came from mostlikely abusive family.
I wasn't sure about hisbackstory but my cousin filled
me in and it just givestestament to the love that my
parents had for me and mybrother and for him Because,
apparently, based on what mycousin mentioned, that he was
(21:21):
really in a situation to wherehe would like really really
abuse in the manner of.
You know, he thought that mycousin thought he was slow and
then the behaviors that he didthat he were was you know
expressing, but my mom would say, you know, look at him kind of
(21:46):
stern, like, don't say that.
Or you know he's like, but he'sacting like and she was like no
, there's nothing wrong with him.
She wanted to protection shewanted to protection mode and
she knew that there was nothingwrong with him.
He just needed love.
He just needed love andnurturing.
So one of the examples that mycousin had mentioned was one day
my mom told him to go upstairsand help him get into.
(22:09):
You know, the bathroom's inthere for a long time.
So he goes in there.
He's like you know what are youdoing?
Why aren't you not in thebathtub?
You know, he said you need toget in the bathtub and he
wouldn't move.
So he puts his hand in thewater and the water's like ice
cold.
This is like dead of winter.
He's like why are you, you know, taking the bathroom in the
cold water?
He's like well, I wasn'tallowed to use the hot water.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
So he had generalized that abuse into the new setting
.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Into the new setting because that takes time to get
out of that.
You know like that's like, soTSC.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
I was about to say so .
You think about it.
And again, I think this is whyour stories are so positive.
I mean so positive andproductive because he took a
past hurt that was a livedexperience, transferred it into
a new environment.
Right, that's the same thingthat happens in relationships.
(23:04):
Now We'll have some negative orsome averse of things that will
take place, and then that newperson that we connect with,
they ultimately have to pay theprice for what we had to deal
with previously.
You know what I'm saying.
So I think that it's just thecycle of various behaviors
repeats itself, and it gives usan opportunity to really start
(23:27):
dissecting who we are and why weare the way that we are.
You know that to me is apivotal moment where I'm
somewhere totally new but I'mstill mentally paralyzed in that
same setting, because you don'tknow anything different.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
So when she was given him love, and I'm sure it took
a minute for his mind to changeand to be free, you know what
I'm saying.
And I'm not even telling youhow my cousin really described
the environment and the abuse ofbehavior that he had to endure.
(24:04):
You know what I'm saying.
But he said it's like a miraclethat my mom and dad was able to
change him, his mindset, hisbehavior, everything, to where
you know, by the time that hewas older, by the time that you
know that I can remember that hewas there, he was normal.
(24:26):
I never knew any of this, so hewas normal.
So to the point where you know,if he had lived, he died when
he was 18.
If he had lived and I mentionedthat in the episode one he
would probably have been aproductive citizen, you know,
with a decent life, versus theprevious life that he grew up in
(24:50):
.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
So, interestingly enough, and again, as I'm, as
you're talking, I'm just gettingdifferent angles, because now
when you talk about you, takesomebody out of one environment,
you know, can you really changesomebody?
Think about it.
And again, that's notnecessarily us to answer,
because I think it'sindividualized, I think there's
so many other variables, but itgoes back to that relationship
(25:13):
piece where somebody comes inwith a set of expectations and a
set of beliefs but now they'reexposing something totally
different.
Do the individuals in that newenvironment have the patience,
have the emotional intelligence?
the capacity to deal with it, tohelp change that behavior,
because in order to change ityou have to replace it with
(25:34):
something more appropriate, andthen they have to understand
that.
You know what I see the benefitand the good in that.
So now I'm motivated to change,you know.
So I think again.
That's from a more clinicalstandpoint of understanding
behavior.
But I'm just excited becausethere's so many different layers
.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
So many different layers, these discussions of it.
And I say I bring that exampleup because it just gives a an
example of what type of peoplewho raised me you know.
So I just use that because Ithought that was a really good
example and he just reallycommends them on what they did
(26:15):
with him.
That same behavior, that samelove, that same nurturing is
what they gave to my brother andI, and that's why she and one
of my know who we really were,because we were her children.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Yeah, that's, absolutely that's awesome yeah,
yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you the feedback fromme, the like wow.
I got a response from a familymember who knew the story and
her text I would never forget.
She said wow, I listened to thepodcast.
First and foremost, I'm soproud that you all would be
(26:51):
willing to be transparent, yeah.
And then the next one was inall capital letters, I have
questions.
And I was like, okay, you knowthe story.
It's nothing I didn't tell, butthat to me was a encouragement
and a confirmation.
I had an uncle reach out to meand he said awesome, her cousin
(27:14):
is about to adopt a young baby.
So and it just I get touched myheart.
I'm a big up, I'm a big, bigadvocate for adoption.
In that regard, you know,because I recognize that our
stories could have beendifferent Prior to the podcast
even being launched.
You know, I reached out to mybiological mom because I wanted
(27:37):
to make sure that she would beokay with me telling this truth,
even though it's my truth,right, and that respect for her,
and her comment was tell youthe truth.
And it gave me the green light.
And then afterwards shecommended both of us for being
willing to share our truth, youknow.
(27:57):
So the feedback has beenamazing from individuals that I
went to college with that I haveadopted children.
Some have your traditionalfamilies, but they still were
able to glean from the storiesyou know and the comment was I
would have never known.
(28:18):
And I think that goes back tothis stigmatism that I'm
supposed to look a certain waybecause I'm a cop you know, I
have a tag on me, let it on ourforehead Right.
And it's.
We are contributing members tosociety.
We just have a non-traditionalbackground.
Yes, you know, everybody'sstory is different.
Yeah, we could do saker, clickor something.
(28:38):
Yeah, that's where we are.
So, again, we want to make surethat this platform is a good
one for dialogue, for truths, asafe space.
We want to make sure and again,I continue to plea and
encourage, if you are out thereand you are a psychologist, a
counselor, and you have anyinsight, there are conferences
(29:03):
for adoptees.
We didn't know that A wholecommunity there's a community of
adoptees, there's a communityof counselors that have an
adoption lens.
Because we look at things froma different way, we don't always
understand what it is, butthat's why it's beneficial to go
to a professional, so that youcan understand and connect the
dots.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Yeah, yeah, those adoption agencies.
Anyone who works in that field,please, you know, shoot us an
email, give us a comment.
We'll be more than happy tohave you guys on the podcast to
give a, I guess, an outline asto the process of, from point A
(29:45):
the point Z, of how that comesabout with someone who decides
to give up a child for adoptionand what are the steps that are
there.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
In addition to those adopted individuals that may
want to find their biologicalfamily and don't know where to
go, because that's a veryemotional moment and
unfortunately you got a lot ofbusinesses and companies that
will take advantage and prey onyou to make you spend money that
you might not necessarily haveto spend Each state is different
(30:21):
.
We talked about our stories ofhow things went in New Jersey
versus mine.
I believe that the state ofVirginia has made some changes
recently to their laws.
So we encourage you if you are,you know, an adoptee and you
want to start that journey,start doing some research.
Just start Googling before you,you know, reach out and spend
(30:41):
money that you might not have to.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yeah, and speaking of that, there's a lot of free
things that you can get, and NewJersey has changed their laws
as well, because we were a statethat no adoptee, an adult,
could even see their originalbirth certificate.
At one point.
You can get non-identifiableinformation, but you could never
get your original birthcertificate.
Within the past, I guess maybefive, six years maybe I could be
(31:09):
off on that, don't quote me butit's changed.
Now you can get your originaladoption records, which I did.
Pursue that so you really don'tneed to spend money.
You just need to know the rightangles, because I wasn't going
to spend money, but I had afriend that I spoke about in my
(31:29):
episode the first episode that Ihad a private investigator in
New Jersey.
So a lot of you of thelisteners wanted to know, well,
what was the outcome of theprivate investigator.
So she came back with nothing.
So that's where I decided thatI was brought on the black
(31:50):
market.
Because, I mean, listen, shedidn't find anything.
And then I had all of thedocumentation that I could
possibly have of my parents,from naturalization paperwork,
from birth certificates, reportcards, you name it.
I had when they bought thehouse where we grew up.
(32:13):
In the receipt my father kepteverything, but there was no
adoption papers.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
What would you think it may have been a Holy Ghost
hookup, Might have been aconnection.
Don't you say black market.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
They my mind thinks it was a black market.
Okay, let me ask you this andlook back then that was a thing.
Oh, it's still a thing.
I haven't gone away.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
So let me ask you this, though Do you think that
you labeled it black market, too, as a coping mechanism, because
you didn't have anything tofill in the blanks, so that was
the closest thing that you couldlabel?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
it and I'm a type of comical person so I'm always
trying to find a humor in it andI think black market is funny.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
It's humorous.
That's your story, you own it.
If you can laugh about it.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
I'm going to laugh about it.
Yeah, you laughed at it In ourfirst episode we said parents
are on the run.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
When you say black market, they needed some quick
cash, but that's a wholedifferent conversation.
So, again, I'm going to put achallenge out to the individuals
on the podcast.
So again, we're here to havethis platform and we've been
transparent.
What we want you to do,depending on if you are adopted,
(33:46):
know somebody adopted.
If you have a traditionalfamily, whatever it may be,
think about your relationshipsBecause, at the end of the day,
relationships are embedded inthis world.
Even if you say I'm by myself,you go to Amazon, you connect
with somebody.
Even if it's AI, you go to thegrocery store, you connect with
(34:08):
somebody.
So there's always some type ofrelationship.
If you're getting a check fromsomebody, somebody's sending you
that check.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
So you're a postman.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
You got a relationship with him.
Let him come late.
It's going to be an issue.
There'll be some furnituremoving around here.
So, think about the variousrelationships and why you look
at relationships like you do.
Remember, I asked you in yourmarriage did it shape your view?
And yes, it did.
I know in mine it shaped it and, like I said, we'll have a
totally different episode wherewe'll talk about that, but we
(34:38):
always want you to walk awaywith something when you watch
our podcast and the first two wegave our stories transparency.
So now that we have somegroundwork and we told you who
we are, now begins the choice toheal in your journey and not
saying that we have all theanswers because we don't.
We don't.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
We just have to go through our own journey.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
Absolutely.
We just have the license to betransparent and vulnerable, and
you all get the benefit from it,as well as us.
So think about yourrelationships, begin to take
note of who you're inrelationships with and why.
You know that's a tough, that'sa tough answer.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
It is.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
And we really deal with.
Because when you start reallylooking at that dynamic, why am
I really continuing to be in arelationship with you?
And I'm not talking aboutnecessarily an intimate
relationship.
It may be a professionalrelationship, it may be a, you
know, social relationship.
So, as a whole, we want this toalways be a platform that
(35:37):
you're able to walk away withsomething.
Yes, and in relationships willalways be an anchor and what we
talk about.
So, if you listen to ourstories today, you heard about
our acceptance of us beingadopted.
Yes, we dibbled a little bit inthe reconciliation, but we also
go deep, dive into that and thenthe maintenance we're on the
(36:00):
back end.
So now there's that maintenancepiece.
Like Lisa said, you know shegoes to comedy and she's created
buzzwords to help her navigatethat space.
What have you done to maintainyour sense of normalcy?
That's another question tothink about.
That is you know it's it's.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
It's different.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
It's very different.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
It's different.
I know, for me it's differentbecause I have two older sisters
.
I grew up with no sisters, sothat's a dynamic of a
relationship that I have to tryand navigate and understand.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
You didn't know anything about it.
You know how to navigate.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
I don't know how to navigate.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Mine as well.
I grew up on the child and nowI have siblings.
So I don't understand how tonavigate the space with a
sibling cause growing up.
You know, and I've heard causeI have two daughters that you
know siblings argue.
That's something they only say.
(37:01):
I didn't argue by myself,there's nobody to argue with in
my room, so I got mad, I justwent to sleep.
But to know now that that's acommon thread, so and that
didn't mean my siblings argue oranything, but just that unknown
, because I have my livedexperiences, they have their
lived experiences.
And now we're trying to meetand it's been very positive I'll
(37:24):
be honest as we go back to thatsecond episode and you'll hear
a little bit about it but it'sbeen positive for us to evolve.
I think we've all grown and youknow we just have a
appreciation cause life is short.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
And mine is still evolving.
That's what I can.
I can it's a process Cause mybrother and I never argued, so I
still don't know how it is forsiblings to argue.
I don't even you know I have.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Well, you seen your kids argue.
Oh, I've seen my yeah, I'veseen my kids, but you just
haven't participated.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
I just haven't been a part of the argument.
When it comes to siblings,gotcha, you know that's all new
to me, okay, but yeah, my kidsargue all the time, but they
love each other, we love eachother, but yeah, so those are.
So the relationships is adynamic one.
(38:21):
I look forward to our dialoguewhen it comes to the different
dynamics of relationships andthe different levels.
I have a younger brother too,okay that.
So that's a totally differentrelationship that I'm trying to.
You know weather and navigatethrough that.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
So so if there are any relationship coaches out
there, we invite you, because Iwould be curious to hear what
type of advice you would givesomeone who is an adoptee and
their lens, and so this is anopen space for that dialogue as
well.
So again, I can't put out thereenough we want professionals to
come into space, because goingforward it's not going to just
(39:03):
be us talking.
We started it, now it's acommunity driven opportunity
that we want you to takeadvantage of.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
Anything you want to clear up before we land a plane.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Yes, there's a few more little things.
So in my episode we did talkabout.
You know, my husband was theone you know pretty much told me
right, but we never really saidexactly what was told to him to
trigger him to feel that I wasadopted.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
So you know you, and I asked him directly.
I sure did.
And he said, he just said, hesaid who was she saying?
Speaker 2 (39:44):
I'm gonna need you to know what he said.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
He mentioned that.
Yes, he said you know, I'msorry, I'm you know when I spend
a lot of time with Lisa,because I remember when they
brought her home.
But the thing was she said,because you know when they
adopted her.
So that was the sentence, thestatement that he realized that
I was adopted.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
That trigger.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
That's the trigger, that was it.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
And big up to him for having the insight to say, well
, wait a minute, that's odd.
And then you all having thetype of relationship where he
could have that conversationwith you.
Speaker 1 (40:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
Cause there are a lot of people that probably would
have just let it go over theirhead or had the mindset I ain't
getting in that, hey, mybusiness.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He said what?
Yeah, I don't believe you know,cause she, like I said, she had
dementia back then.
So he could have chalked it upto saying you know she had
dementia.
She don't know what you'retalking about, but technically,
when you have dementia, youspeak the truth.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
That's right.
So and what if he had just letit be?
And then you know shetransitions and then it never
came out.
Your story is totally different.
Everybody plays a pivotal rolein your journey.
And I think we have to givecredit for the positives, the
aversive ones, all the dynamics,because they create who we are
(41:01):
and our lives.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yes, because some people did go to the death not
saying that.
Right, and I feel that theywanted to but they just didn't
have.
But we can deep dive that at alater time.
And another thing, and I guessit goes to that, but we're
trying to land a plane and wecan deep dive into this at
another time.
You know, my parents did dienine months to the day and the
(41:29):
significance to that is mymother died on March 25th.
My dad died December 25th.
I met my biological mother forthe first time.
Seeing her face to face was onDecember 25th.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Wow, so can I share something?
So, since we've been like yeah.
Today a year ago was the firsttime that my biological mom
reached out to me.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
February 13th because my father had passed away.
Yeah, she sent me a message onFacebook.
That was the first time and Iremember getting it and I lost
my mind like oh my goodness, ohmy goodness, and I could not
type a response.
Wow, february 13th.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
Today is the day.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Today is the day, happy anniversary.
I got the memory this morning.
Happy anniversary, mom.
I got the memory this morningand it like I had a little child
moment because I could takeownership of that and celebrate.
Yeah, you know so.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
We do go back to being a child and this whole.
I don't care how old you are.
You revert back to being achild when it comes to your
biological family Easily.
Mother, specifically the mother.
Speaker 2 (42:48):
Right.
So again, we are excited forthis journey.
This is the third part, this isthe third episode and again we
need input from you all.
Email us, leave us messages onYouTube like share, subscribe.
Help us make this a meaningfulplatform for everybody.
(43:09):
It's not just for adoptedindividuals, although we are
proudly.
We are proud of our adoptionsand our stories.
We take ownership of it.
So that's why the title is soI'm Adopted.
But we want to just have somemeaningful conversations with
relationships.
So remember what we challengeyou to do Start taking inventory
(43:31):
of your relationships that arearound you and the why yes, and
then start thinking about whyyou look at things the way that
you do.
What have you gone through thathave shaped your lens?
Mm-hmm, you know.
So again, please like share andsubscribe.
We are on Spotify.
We're on Apple platform.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
All the platforms, all the platforms.
Speaker 2 (43:53):
Please let everybody know, download it, give us a
like and we are excited to share.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Share and be the vessel for you all.
Absolutely, it's not about us,it's about you all, and we are
just pleased and happy thatwe're able to bring this
platform to you all.
So I'm John and I'm Lisa, anduntil next time we're adopted,
we're adopted.
Speaker 2 (44:18):
Thank y'all.
Thank you for listening to theso I'm Adopted podcast.
We hope that this wasinformative and educational.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at so I'm Adopted.
Also subscribe to our YouTubepage so I'm Adopted.
And again, thank you forlistening and until next time,
(44:41):
make the choice to begin yourhealing journey.
Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk
everything adoption.
This journey is not one we takealone.
Together we grapple with rawemotions that surface from
adoption stories.
We want you to be comfortableenough to heal, so sit back and
go with us on this journey as wedive deep into adoption.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Welcome to another episode of.
Speaker 2 (00:38):
So I'm.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Adopted.
We wanted to create a space foradoption's truths to be shared.
We have a common bond betweenthe two of us.
However, our stories are very,very different, completely
different, completely.
We are the space where we feelthat we'll give everybody an
opportunity to have meaningfulconversations, listen to our
(01:01):
conversations and try toencourage other people to listen
, and hopefully this will givesome type of comfort to others
to want to come and share theirstories with us.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Absolutely.
This podcast is where we'llhear adoption stories from other
adoptees adoptive parents,biological families.
We will also have input fromlicensed professionals such as
psychologists, social workers,and get a deeper understanding
of adoption in the journey.
Hopefully, these stories andperspectives will give hope and
(01:35):
understanding and even somecourage to those who have an
adoption story or even thinkingabout adopting.
While you know, the whole timewe want to make sure that
there's levels of reconciliation, acceptance and maintenance.
Those are the things that weidentified as part of the
adoption journey and those aresome things that we're going to
(01:57):
consistently anchor in when wehighlight them on our podcast.
So we're just excited to havethis platform and excited that
you all have been joining us andgiving us encouragement, as we
are vulnerable with this,because this is not an easy task
, you know, especially in ourculture, our families.
We don't talk about the certainthings, and I put things
(02:21):
because, you know, families havesecrets and we're at a point
now where we want to bring tolife and talk about them from a
healthy perspective.
So we encourage you, you know,hit that like button, share it
and subscribe, because we'regoing to have some very great
dialogues.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Yes, we're going to laugh, we're going to cry a
little bit of everything duringthese episodes.
Speaker 2 (02:47):
So please share, like , subscribe and leave a comment
yeah leave us a comment, becausethere will be spaces for other
stories.
We don't want to be the onlyones here talking.
There will be a season wherewe'll go live so that we can get
feedback from individuals.
The amount of feedback thatwe've gotten so far is amazing.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Before we even get to the feedback, we want to give
you a little backstory of howthis came about.
So, Lisa, I'm going to put youon the spot of how this came
about.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Oh, well, I guess, since it was my brainchild.
Yeah, maybe a couple of yearsago and we were doing a crew
function.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Right, we were doing a function and I was like John,
you need to do a podcast.
And I was totally against it.
I was initially.
I was like I don't have timeand nobody wants to hear our
story.
That was my mindset, but it hasbeen complete opposite, with
(03:48):
you pushing and being consistentof no, we need to get our story
out.
I think in the two weeks thatwe've been up, the rewards or
the fruits of our labor havebeen amazing, just with the
little nuggets of people drawingto the stories and the
different commonalities.
One thing that I think we haveidentified is that we had a
(04:11):
mindset that the podcast wouldbe one thing, but ultimately
what we've identified is itdeals with non-traditional
relationships.
Speaker 1 (04:19):
Yes, it does.
I definitely agree with you.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
And I think that relationships is something that
everybody in the world has todeal with on one platform or
another.
And then there are oftentimesthat those of us who are in the
adoptive world, we don't reallyknow how we fit in those
dynamics and those narratives.
So part of what we want to dois take the ownership of our
narratives in a healthy space,and that's why we want to have
(04:46):
some professionals.
So if you're a professional andyou have some resources for us,
please send us an email atgmailcom, leave a comment on
YouTube or Spotify, apple,whichever platform you're using,
because, again, it takes avillage and that is not just for
little kids, even for adults.
It takes a village to besupported.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
It does.
You ain't saying that littleword right there.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Indeed.
So let's what we didn't do inthe first two episodes, because
this is our third episode.
What we didn't do is kind oftell you who we are.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
So who are you?
So who am I?
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (05:25):
How'd you know who I was?
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I know who I am.
They don't know who you are.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
So you know just a little bit background for me.
I'm married with three kids.
I'm originally from obviouslyfrom New Jersey.
I've mentioned that before Asmall town called Manchester
With now I found out that it'san actual city, because that
wasn't a city back when.
Speaker 2 (05:48):
I was there, it was a township, Township.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
So we didn't have.
You know, our address wouldalways say another city other
than Manchester.
So we've grown over the years.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
So y'all had like a pig and that you did have a pig.
Speaker 1 (06:02):
I did not have a pig.
I did not have a big pig.
Speaker 2 (06:06):
But the town had a pig.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
The town did not have a pig.
Okay, that's because it saysgarden state Doesn't mean
there's farms everywhere.
Speaker 2 (06:13):
I didn't know.
Now we know.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
So let me tell you, we're Manchester, so you kind of
had an idea.
So you know the show JerseyShore.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
I've heard of it, never watched it.
Sorry, I've never watched it.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Snooky or something like that.
Snooky, there it is and thesituation.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
What situation?
Speaker 1 (06:34):
That's his name.
One of the people on that,anywho.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (06:39):
I lived in that area.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
Okay, were they there , like did you go to school with
them?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
No, I don't even think they lived in that area.
They just did the show there,so I don't think they're really
from the area.
Yeah, that's like a stompingground.
Seaside Heights is a stompingground for.
Speaker 2 (06:56):
So inserts, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Just for, I think MTV or whatever Gotcha Not that
I've ever watched it, justputting that out there.
I just never did it.
But, I know of the place.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
The claim to fame.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Yes, all right.
So yeah, I grew up there and Iwent to college at Hampton, the
Hampton University.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
Say so, say so what.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
H-U and I got married and I haven't left this
Virginia state since then.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
So I have a question With you being adopted and it's
just a yes or no, we're goingprobably another episode.
Do you think your adoption hada impact on your viewpoint or
lens of marriage?
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Yes, okay, oh, absolutely Okay.
Yeah, we can get into thatlater, but yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:50):
And the reason I ask.
That was part of oneconversation of feedback I got.
Somebody was talking about howtheir significant other being
adopted impacted their marriageand how they viewed things, and
I have my own biases as well.
Like I said, we'll have a wholeconversation.
I think we have to be truthfulin how our past experiences
(08:12):
impact how we interact and howwe view situations.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
Yes, but we got to keep in mind I was married for
years before I even knew I wasadopted.
However, because of theinfluence of the environment
that I grew up in, myperspective and view of what a
marriage was, that's what I wasalways chasing after.
Because of what I've seen, Okay.
(08:37):
You know now, if I was in myyou know, actual biological
family, my real life sort ofspeak, my view may be different.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
Yeah, you're right.
Speaker 1 (08:49):
But the marriages that I saw in front of me were
marriages that I wanted.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
There you go.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
That makes sense.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
It makes perfect sense, it makes perfect sense.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
So it in a way, yes, it did Not without me knowing
the truth.
It's still influencing me,Gotcha.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
All right.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
So what about you?
Speaker 2 (09:13):
Where you hail from.
I hail from Richmond, Virginia,Been in the Hampton Roads area
which is in Virginia that'sconsidered your Newport News,
Hampton, Williamsburg, thatwhole area, Hampton Roads.
I've been here since 94, wentto the Hampton University.
Say it again the HamptonUniversity and I never left
(09:38):
after college, started workingin education, started coaching
and never left this area.
My wife she graduated fromHampton University as well.
Say it again, she graduatedfrom Hampton University as well.
So we are a Hampton family andyou know my adoption journey.
You gotta go back to episodetwo so you can hear it.
I've known since I was aboutsix or seven years old that I
(10:01):
was adopted, so that has alwaysbeen in my subconscious.
I just didn't know at such ayoung age that that was
impacting how I view things.
Speaker 1 (10:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:13):
You know what I'm saying.
So it was having an impact, butI didn't have the ability to
articulate, nor did I have theemotional intelligence to
understand.
This is why I respond this way.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
Well, you know, I was gonna ask you that question,
since you knew so early.
Did you feel that and I don'tknow how much of understanding
you had of adoption, like youknow did you feel like, oh,
maybe I need to make sure I, youknow, act right, because maybe
they may send me back, or youknow?
(10:50):
Did you feel like you werespecial than your friends or
your cousins or you know otherfamily, because of you were
adopted?
How did you feel?
Speaker 2 (10:59):
I never had the mindset of being sent back.
That was never, because I wasalways there Like I didn't have
somewhere else, and then I wasuprooted and planted.
So it was always this is myfamily nucleus.
I did have moments where Iquestioned well, I'm different,
so do I really fit in Because Ididn't have the same bloodline?
(11:22):
But that wasn't because of lackof love, that wasn't because of
lack of support andunderstanding.
They did everything, above andbeyond, to make sure that I was
part of that, you know family.
So I really I didn't lack inthat regard and I think we have
to really put on the table thatour stories, we're blessed in
(11:42):
our story.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Oh, absolutely.
There are a lot of stories thatpeople don't have.
Speaker 2 (11:47):
You know, a positive.
I'm just not even gonna say apositive ending, just a positive
, because there's so manynarratives with non-traditional
relationships and again we standrepresenting a small window of
what adoption looks like.
This is why we need you all tohelp us give us your stories,
(12:07):
give us your feedback.
Like I said, send us comments,send us stories.
We are inviting people.
We already have two people thatwe're gonna be bringing on in
the next couple of episodes thatwanna share their stories.
And again, every story isindividualized and we wanna
create a culture of support sothat now we can have a voice and
we can begin our healingjourney that healing is a choice
(12:30):
.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
And we don't wanna just have, you know, I guess,
feel good stories that ends.
You know, like we said, we'reblessed, but not everybody was
fortunate enough to be in afamily that loved them as our
parents loved us, veryunconditionally.
(12:52):
So we wanna hear those storiesas well.
We wanna be able to help them.
We wanna be able to, you know,let them get through that.
You know, because we're aboutthe acceptance, the
reconciliation and themaintenance of moving forward.
That's because there's storiesout there that and well, there
(13:13):
are stories that's out therethat don't end well and they
still struggle.
So we wanna be there to helpthem, be that catalyst for them
to move forward in a healthy way, anything that we can do to
help them.
That's our goal.
That's our goal.
Speaker 2 (13:31):
And then we will be vulnerable.
This is a vulnerable moment.
So I'm gonna ask a question,lisa, now that you've done the
first episode and you gotta goback and look at, because she
told her story in the firstepisode of her adoption journey
and then I told mine in thesecond.
So when we jumped in and we didthis, like I said, it was a
organic conversation.
(13:51):
How did you feel after you toldyour story?
Speaker 1 (13:57):
I felt relieved.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Why relieved?
Speaker 1 (14:00):
Because telling your story your journey to the masses
is, and being transparent,that's big.
That's huge.
You know.
It's like you know.
Once my episode was released,it felt like you know, I took
the band-aid off, I pulled theband-aid off and it is what it
(14:24):
is.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So you didn't have any interpretation.
No, unreadiness.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Oh, I was stressed.
Speaker 2 (14:30):
Oh, okay, all right, let's be honest.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
I was anxious, I was nervous, I just didn't know how.
Not necessarily you know peopleI don't know, but people I do
know, people that are within myimmediate family.
You know my siblings, my youknow cousin's family, and I've
mentioned before my father wasone of 11 kids, so I have a lot
(14:57):
of cousins and aunts and allthat stuff, a lot of family.
So just a nervousness of howthey would, you know, receive it
and I didn't say anything.
That wasn't my truth.
I spoke my truth, how I feltabout it, you know, but that
(15:22):
wasn't what I received.
As far as comments, you know,when I got some feedback, oh,
and we can dive into that lateron, but the feedback was nothing
what I had envisioned in myhead.
That it may be.
You know what I'm saying.
So that was the nervousness,the anxiousness, before I hit it
.
I know I didn't tell you, Ijust tried to, you know, deal
(15:47):
with it for myself.
And you know, because there'smany times, you know, because I
was kind of procrastinating andpushing it off.
pushing it off and you know yougo and make a long stay and I'm
like, oh, okay, we're doing this.
But I needed that, you know,because again I still had that
(16:08):
fear, that nervousness of youknow, of how is everybody going
to accept it, you know, are theynot gonna like it?
They're like why are you doingthis?
Speaker 2 (16:18):
you know, but it's interesting to hear you say that
, because while we were in theplanning stages, even after
recording the first episode, Inever picked up on that fear
element.
Oh, yeah, it was and I'll behonest, it was by design that
you told your story first.
I was very intentional of yeah,push you out there.
Speaker 1 (16:39):
At least you do your thing.
Speaker 2 (16:42):
And I will tell you.
After yours came out and westarted to get some traction and
the feedback and people weresaying her story was amazing and
they had questions becausethere was some things and dots
you didn't connect.
But then the next statement wasso I can't wait to hear your
story.
And it put a pressure on me andI'm trying to figure out why
(17:03):
because, again, I've been havingthis story for 40 plus years
and I've told it.
It's been no secret but, likeyou said, now I'm putting it out
there to the masses, in aposition where I'm trying to
help others in addition tohelping myself.
But it's a vulnerable momentbecause I was concerned of, if I
(17:24):
tell my truth, how will itimpact A, b and C.
Exactly, exactly, and even yearslater, I still have that, I'm
gonna say, security blanket, butthat protection mode, because
it is my story, but there areothers that are impacted by my
story.
Absolutely, and I think, well,I can't speak for everybody.
(17:45):
Again, like I said, werepresent a small, small dynamic
, but for me, yeah, I own thestory, but I still feel
accountable to the other playersin the game, if I can just be
honest.
Speaker 1 (18:00):
That's how I felt.
Speaker 2 (18:01):
And I would be curious, maybe somebody again
who's a professional licensedcounselor of some sort.
Maybe there is a connection orsomething of what that is.
Give us the language, so pleasereach back out to us with that.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
But I'm glad that we pushed each other and moved
forward and we didn't stand ourfear, you know.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
Yeah, I think that there is freedom in transparency
.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
Because it's like the toothpaste Once you squeeze it
out of the tube, you can't putit back in.
So at this point we're outthere and we're getting traction
and it's rolling, so I'mexcited about it.
So what type of feedback didyou get?
Let's start there.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
So there's a lot of feedback that I received Just so
many from various people andthrough the stages of my life,
and one of the comments was youwere definitely loved.
You and your mom had a specialrelationship that they always
(19:00):
was in awe of, With my dad andmy mom being who they were.
People saw that and they sawthe genuineness that they had
for me and my brother.
It wasn't, like you know, itwas a some people like a payday
(19:21):
or whatever for the financialpart of it.
It wasn't that at all.
Bigs knew love to us and wewere her pride and joy.
He was pride, I was joy.
Haven't really figured out whyshe didn't call me joy.
But that's another day foranother time.
(19:43):
But you know what?
Before my real name, that mybiological mother gave me is
Audra.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Audra.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
Audra.
So I'm not Audra Audra.
Well, she likes A's, cause mysisters biological sisters names
begin with A's as well.
Audra, okay, audra, audra, yeah, that was the name that she
would have given me.
Speaker 2 (20:10):
So let me ask this what was the most surprising
piece of feedback that you got?
Speaker 1 (20:16):
The most surprising feedback that I received was my
cousin.
He's on my mother's side, on myadopted mother's side, and he
spent a lot of time with herwhen he was growing up and he
just gave me quite a bit ofinsight that I wasn't aware of.
I was too young to remember.
(20:37):
And just even talking about the, you know, in my story I
referenced adoptive brother thatI had.
That was constant.
Everybody else was probably inand out, in and out, but he was
always constant.
He was there before I was there, and so I mentioned to him how
(20:59):
you know he came from mostlikely abusive family.
I wasn't sure about hisbackstory but my cousin filled
me in and it just givestestament to the love that my
parents had for me and mybrother and for him Because,
apparently, based on what mycousin mentioned, that he was
(21:21):
really in a situation to wherehe would like really really
abuse in the manner of.
You know, he thought that mycousin thought he was slow and
then the behaviors that he didthat he were was you know
expressing, but my mom would say, you know, look at him kind of
(21:46):
stern, like, don't say that.
Or you know he's like, but he'sacting like and she was like no
, there's nothing wrong with him.
She wanted to protection shewanted to protection mode and
she knew that there was nothingwrong with him.
He just needed love.
He just needed love andnurturing.
So one of the examples that mycousin had mentioned was one day
my mom told him to go upstairsand help him get into.
(22:09):
You know, the bathroom's inthere for a long time.
So he goes in there.
He's like you know what are youdoing?
Why aren't you not in thebathtub?
You know, he said you need toget in the bathtub and he
wouldn't move.
So he puts his hand in thewater and the water's like ice
cold.
This is like dead of winter.
He's like why are you, you know, taking the bathroom in the
cold water?
He's like well, I wasn'tallowed to use the hot water.
Speaker 2 (22:34):
So he had generalized that abuse into the new setting
.
Speaker 1 (22:37):
Into the new setting because that takes time to get
out of that.
You know like that's like, soTSC.
Speaker 2 (22:44):
I was about to say so .
You think about it.
And again, I think this is whyour stories are so positive.
I mean so positive andproductive because he took a
past hurt that was a livedexperience, transferred it into
a new environment.
Right, that's the same thingthat happens in relationships.
(23:04):
Now We'll have some negative orsome averse of things that will
take place, and then that newperson that we connect with,
they ultimately have to pay theprice for what we had to deal
with previously.
You know what I'm saying.
So I think that it's just thecycle of various behaviors
repeats itself, and it gives usan opportunity to really start
(23:27):
dissecting who we are and why weare the way that we are.
You know that to me is apivotal moment where I'm
somewhere totally new but I'mstill mentally paralyzed in that
same setting, because you don'tknow anything different.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
So when she was given him love, and I'm sure it took
a minute for his mind to changeand to be free, you know what
I'm saying.
And I'm not even telling youhow my cousin really described
the environment and the abuse ofbehavior that he had to endure.
(24:04):
You know what I'm saying.
But he said it's like a miraclethat my mom and dad was able to
change him, his mindset, hisbehavior, everything, to where
you know, by the time that hewas older, by the time that you
know that I can remember that hewas there, he was normal.
(24:26):
I never knew any of this, so hewas normal.
So to the point where you know,if he had lived, he died when
he was 18.
If he had lived and I mentionedthat in the episode one he
would probably have been aproductive citizen, you know,
with a decent life, versus theprevious life that he grew up in
(24:50):
.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
So, interestingly enough, and again, as I'm, as
you're talking, I'm just gettingdifferent angles, because now
when you talk about you, takesomebody out of one environment,
you know, can you really changesomebody?
Think about it.
And again, that's notnecessarily us to answer,
because I think it'sindividualized, I think there's
so many other variables, but itgoes back to that relationship
(25:13):
piece where somebody comes inwith a set of expectations and a
set of beliefs but now they'reexposing something totally
different.
Do the individuals in that newenvironment have the patience,
have the emotional intelligence?
the capacity to deal with it, tohelp change that behavior,
because in order to change ityou have to replace it with
(25:34):
something more appropriate, andthen they have to understand
that.
You know what I see the benefitand the good in that.
So now I'm motivated to change,you know.
So I think again.
That's from a more clinicalstandpoint of understanding
behavior.
But I'm just excited becausethere's so many different layers
.
Speaker 1 (25:53):
So many different layers, these discussions of it.
And I say I bring that exampleup because it just gives a an
example of what type of peoplewho raised me you know.
So I just use that because Ithought that was a really good
example and he just reallycommends them on what they did
(26:15):
with him.
That same behavior, that samelove, that same nurturing is
what they gave to my brother andI, and that's why she and one
of my know who we really were,because we were her children.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Yeah, that's, absolutely that's awesome yeah,
yeah, yeah.
I'll tell you the feedback fromme, the like wow.
I got a response from a familymember who knew the story and
her text I would never forget.
She said wow, I listened to thepodcast.
First and foremost, I'm soproud that you all would be
(26:51):
willing to be transparent, yeah.
And then the next one was inall capital letters, I have
questions.
And I was like, okay, you knowthe story.
It's nothing I didn't tell, butthat to me was a encouragement
and a confirmation.
I had an uncle reach out to meand he said awesome, her cousin
(27:14):
is about to adopt a young baby.
So and it just I get touched myheart.
I'm a big up, I'm a big, bigadvocate for adoption.
In that regard, you know,because I recognize that our
stories could have beendifferent Prior to the podcast
even being launched.
You know, I reached out to mybiological mom because I wanted
(27:37):
to make sure that she would beokay with me telling this truth,
even though it's my truth,right, and that respect for her,
and her comment was tell youthe truth.
And it gave me the green light.
And then afterwards shecommended both of us for being
willing to share our truth, youknow.
(27:57):
So the feedback has beenamazing from individuals that I
went to college with that I haveadopted children.
Some have your traditionalfamilies, but they still were
able to glean from the storiesyou know and the comment was I
would have never known.
(28:18):
And I think that goes back tothis stigmatism that I'm
supposed to look a certain waybecause I'm a cop you know, I
have a tag on me, let it on ourforehead Right.
And it's.
We are contributing members tosociety.
We just have a non-traditionalbackground.
Yes, you know, everybody'sstory is different.
Yeah, we could do saker, clickor something.
(28:38):
Yeah, that's where we are.
So, again, we want to make surethat this platform is a good
one for dialogue, for truths, asafe space.
We want to make sure and again,I continue to plea and
encourage, if you are out thereand you are a psychologist, a
counselor, and you have anyinsight, there are conferences
(29:03):
for adoptees.
We didn't know that A wholecommunity there's a community of
adoptees, there's a communityof counselors that have an
adoption lens.
Because we look at things froma different way, we don't always
understand what it is, butthat's why it's beneficial to go
to a professional, so that youcan understand and connect the
dots.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Yeah, yeah, those adoption agencies.
Anyone who works in that field,please, you know, shoot us an
email, give us a comment.
We'll be more than happy tohave you guys on the podcast to
give a, I guess, an outline asto the process of, from point A
(29:45):
the point Z, of how that comesabout with someone who decides
to give up a child for adoptionand what are the steps that are
there.
Speaker 2 (29:58):
In addition to those adopted individuals that may
want to find their biologicalfamily and don't know where to
go, because that's a veryemotional moment and
unfortunately you got a lot ofbusinesses and companies that
will take advantage and prey onyou to make you spend money that
you might not necessarily haveto spend Each state is different
(30:21):
.
We talked about our stories ofhow things went in New Jersey
versus mine.
I believe that the state ofVirginia has made some changes
recently to their laws.
So we encourage you if you are,you know, an adoptee and you
want to start that journey,start doing some research.
Just start Googling before you,you know, reach out and spend
(30:41):
money that you might not have to.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yeah, and speaking of that, there's a lot of free
things that you can get, and NewJersey has changed their laws
as well, because we were a statethat no adoptee, an adult,
could even see their originalbirth certificate.
At one point.
You can get non-identifiableinformation, but you could never
get your original birthcertificate.
Within the past, I guess maybefive, six years maybe I could be
(31:09):
off on that, don't quote me butit's changed.
Now you can get your originaladoption records, which I did.
Pursue that so you really don'tneed to spend money.
You just need to know the rightangles, because I wasn't going
to spend money, but I had afriend that I spoke about in my
(31:29):
episode the first episode that Ihad a private investigator in
New Jersey.
So a lot of you of thelisteners wanted to know, well,
what was the outcome of theprivate investigator.
So she came back with nothing.
So that's where I decided thatI was brought on the black
(31:50):
market.
Because, I mean, listen, shedidn't find anything.
And then I had all of thedocumentation that I could
possibly have of my parents,from naturalization paperwork,
from birth certificates, reportcards, you name it.
I had when they bought thehouse where we grew up.
(32:13):
In the receipt my father kepteverything, but there was no
adoption papers.
Speaker 2 (32:21):
What would you think it may have been a Holy Ghost
hookup, Might have been aconnection.
Don't you say black market.
Speaker 1 (32:29):
They my mind thinks it was a black market.
Okay, let me ask you this andlook back then that was a thing.
Oh, it's still a thing.
I haven't gone away.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
So let me ask you this, though Do you think that
you labeled it black market, too, as a coping mechanism, because
you didn't have anything tofill in the blanks, so that was
the closest thing that you couldlabel?
Speaker 1 (32:56):
it and I'm a type of comical person so I'm always
trying to find a humor in it andI think black market is funny.
Speaker 2 (33:13):
It's humorous.
That's your story, you own it.
If you can laugh about it.
Speaker 1 (33:17):
I'm going to laugh about it.
Yeah, you laughed at it In ourfirst episode we said parents
are on the run.
Speaker 2 (33:25):
When you say black market, they needed some quick
cash, but that's a wholedifferent conversation.
So, again, I'm going to put achallenge out to the individuals
on the podcast.
So again, we're here to havethis platform and we've been
transparent.
What we want you to do,depending on if you are adopted,
(33:46):
know somebody adopted.
If you have a traditionalfamily, whatever it may be,
think about your relationshipsBecause, at the end of the day,
relationships are embedded inthis world.
Even if you say I'm by myself,you go to Amazon, you connect
with somebody.
Even if it's AI, you go to thegrocery store, you connect with
(34:08):
somebody.
So there's always some type ofrelationship.
If you're getting a check fromsomebody, somebody's sending you
that check.
Speaker 1 (34:15):
So you're a postman.
Speaker 2 (34:15):
You got a relationship with him.
Let him come late.
It's going to be an issue.
There'll be some furnituremoving around here.
So, think about the variousrelationships and why you look
at relationships like you do.
Remember, I asked you in yourmarriage did it shape your view?
And yes, it did.
I know in mine it shaped it and, like I said, we'll have a
totally different episode wherewe'll talk about that, but we
(34:38):
always want you to walk awaywith something when you watch
our podcast and the first two wegave our stories transparency.
So now that we have somegroundwork and we told you who
we are, now begins the choice toheal in your journey and not
saying that we have all theanswers because we don't.
We don't.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
We just have to go through our own journey.
Speaker 2 (34:57):
Absolutely.
We just have the license to betransparent and vulnerable, and
you all get the benefit from it,as well as us.
So think about yourrelationships, begin to take
note of who you're inrelationships with and why.
You know that's a tough, that'sa tough answer.
Speaker 1 (35:16):
It is.
Speaker 2 (35:17):
And we really deal with.
Because when you start reallylooking at that dynamic, why am
I really continuing to be in arelationship with you?
And I'm not talking aboutnecessarily an intimate
relationship.
It may be a professionalrelationship, it may be a, you
know, social relationship.
So, as a whole, we want this toalways be a platform that
(35:37):
you're able to walk away withsomething.
Yes, and in relationships willalways be an anchor and what we
talk about.
So, if you listen to ourstories today, you heard about
our acceptance of us beingadopted.
Yes, we dibbled a little bit inthe reconciliation, but we also
go deep, dive into that and thenthe maintenance we're on the
(36:00):
back end.
So now there's that maintenancepiece.
Like Lisa said, you know shegoes to comedy and she's created
buzzwords to help her navigatethat space.
What have you done to maintainyour sense of normalcy?
That's another question tothink about.
That is you know it's it's.
Speaker 1 (36:18):
It's different.
Speaker 2 (36:19):
It's very different.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
It's different.
I know, for me it's differentbecause I have two older sisters
.
I grew up with no sisters, sothat's a dynamic of a
relationship that I have to tryand navigate and understand.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
You didn't know anything about it.
You know how to navigate.
Speaker 1 (36:39):
I don't know how to navigate.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
Mine as well.
I grew up on the child and nowI have siblings.
So I don't understand how tonavigate the space with a
sibling cause growing up.
You know, and I've heard causeI have two daughters that you
know siblings argue.
That's something they only say.
(37:01):
I didn't argue by myself,there's nobody to argue with in
my room, so I got mad, I justwent to sleep.
But to know now that that's acommon thread, so and that
didn't mean my siblings argue oranything, but just that unknown
, because I have my livedexperiences, they have their
lived experiences.
And now we're trying to meetand it's been very positive I'll
(37:24):
be honest as we go back to thatsecond episode and you'll hear
a little bit about it but it'sbeen positive for us to evolve.
I think we've all grown and youknow we just have a
appreciation cause life is short.
Speaker 1 (37:39):
And mine is still evolving.
That's what I can.
I can it's a process Cause mybrother and I never argued, so I
still don't know how it is forsiblings to argue.
I don't even you know I have.
Speaker 2 (37:56):
Well, you seen your kids argue.
Oh, I've seen my yeah, I'veseen my kids, but you just
haven't participated.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
I just haven't been a part of the argument.
When it comes to siblings,gotcha, you know that's all new
to me, okay, but yeah, my kidsargue all the time, but they
love each other, we love eachother, but yeah, so those are.
So the relationships is adynamic one.
(38:21):
I look forward to our dialoguewhen it comes to the different
dynamics of relationships andthe different levels.
I have a younger brother too,okay that.
So that's a totally differentrelationship that I'm trying to.
You know weather and navigatethrough that.
Speaker 2 (38:40):
So so if there are any relationship coaches out
there, we invite you, because Iwould be curious to hear what
type of advice you would givesomeone who is an adoptee and
their lens, and so this is anopen space for that dialogue as
well.
So again, I can't put out thereenough we want professionals to
come into space, because goingforward it's not going to just
(39:03):
be us talking.
We started it, now it's acommunity driven opportunity
that we want you to takeadvantage of.
Speaker 1 (39:10):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (39:12):
Anything you want to clear up before we land a plane.
Speaker 1 (39:15):
Yes, there's a few more little things.
So in my episode we did talkabout.
You know, my husband was theone you know pretty much told me
right, but we never really saidexactly what was told to him to
trigger him to feel that I wasadopted.
Speaker 2 (39:33):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (39:34):
So you know you, and I asked him directly.
I sure did.
And he said, he just said, hesaid who was she saying?
Speaker 2 (39:44):
I'm gonna need you to know what he said.
Speaker 1 (39:48):
He mentioned that.
Yes, he said you know, I'msorry, I'm you know when I spend
a lot of time with Lisa,because I remember when they
brought her home.
But the thing was she said,because you know when they
adopted her.
So that was the sentence, thestatement that he realized that
I was adopted.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
That trigger.
Speaker 1 (40:09):
That's the trigger, that was it.
Speaker 2 (40:11):
And big up to him for having the insight to say, well
, wait a minute, that's odd.
And then you all having thetype of relationship where he
could have that conversationwith you.
Speaker 1 (40:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (40:22):
Cause there are a lot of people that probably would
have just let it go over theirhead or had the mindset I ain't
getting in that, hey, mybusiness.
Speaker 1 (40:28):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He said what?
Yeah, I don't believe you know,cause she, like I said, she had
dementia back then.
So he could have chalked it upto saying you know she had
dementia.
She don't know what you'retalking about, but technically,
when you have dementia, youspeak the truth.
Speaker 2 (40:41):
That's right.
So and what if he had just letit be?
And then you know shetransitions and then it never
came out.
Your story is totally different.
Everybody plays a pivotal rolein your journey.
And I think we have to givecredit for the positives, the
aversive ones, all the dynamics,because they create who we are
(41:01):
and our lives.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
Yes, because some people did go to the death not
saying that.
Right, and I feel that theywanted to but they just didn't
have.
But we can deep dive that at alater time.
And another thing, and I guessit goes to that, but we're
trying to land a plane and wecan deep dive into this at
another time.
You know, my parents did dienine months to the day and the
(41:29):
significance to that is mymother died on March 25th.
My dad died December 25th.
I met my biological mother forthe first time.
Seeing her face to face was onDecember 25th.
Speaker 2 (41:46):
Wow, so can I share something?
So, since we've been like yeah.
Today a year ago was the firsttime that my biological mom
reached out to me.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
February 13th because my father had passed away.
Yeah, she sent me a message onFacebook.
That was the first time and Iremember getting it and I lost
my mind like oh my goodness, ohmy goodness, and I could not
type a response.
Wow, february 13th.
Speaker 1 (42:21):
Today is the day.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
Today is the day, happy anniversary.
I got the memory this morning.
Happy anniversary, mom.
I got the memory this morningand it like I had a little child
moment because I could takeownership of that and celebrate.
Yeah, you know so.
Speaker 1 (42:36):
We do go back to being a child and this whole.
I don't care how old you are.
You revert back to being achild when it comes to your
biological family Easily.
Mother, specifically the mother.
Speaker 2 (42:48):
Right.
So again, we are excited forthis journey.
This is the third part, this isthe third episode and again we
need input from you all.
Email us, leave us messages onYouTube like share, subscribe.
Help us make this a meaningfulplatform for everybody.
(43:09):
It's not just for adoptedindividuals, although we are
proudly.
We are proud of our adoptionsand our stories.
We take ownership of it.
So that's why the title is soI'm Adopted.
But we want to just have somemeaningful conversations with
relationships.
So remember what we challengeyou to do Start taking inventory
(43:31):
of your relationships that arearound you and the why yes, and
then start thinking about whyyou look at things the way that
you do.
What have you gone through thathave shaped your lens?
Mm-hmm, you know.
So again, please like share andsubscribe.
We are on Spotify.
We're on Apple platform.
Speaker 1 (43:51):
All the platforms, all the platforms.
Speaker 2 (43:53):
Please let everybody know, download it, give us a
like and we are excited to share.
Speaker 1 (44:00):
Share and be the vessel for you all.
Absolutely, it's not about us,it's about you all, and we are
just pleased and happy thatwe're able to bring this
platform to you all.
So I'm John and I'm Lisa, anduntil next time we're adopted,
we're adopted.
Speaker 2 (44:18):
Thank y'all.
Thank you for listening to theso I'm Adopted podcast.
We hope that this wasinformative and educational.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at so I'm Adopted.
Also subscribe to our YouTubepage so I'm Adopted.
And again, thank you forlistening and until next time,
(44:41):
make the choice to begin yourhealing journey.
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