May 10, 2024 • 60 mins
As we approach Mother's Day, Lisa and I find ourselves wrapped in the warmth of gratitude for the incredible women who raised us—our adoptive mothers. Their love and influence run deep, and in this heartfelt episode, we examine the layered emotions adoptees may experience during this time. From the personal tales of country music's Faith Hill to the surprising family discovery of Jack Nicholson, we thread stories of identity, reunion, and the complex tapestry of family dynamics woven by both birth and adoptive parents.
During our conversation John is sharing how reuniting with his biological mother brought new dimensions to his life. Together, we navigate the bittersweet terrain of Mother's Day, discussing how it can be both a celebration and a moment of reflection for those with intricate family relationships. We consider the balance of honoring all parental figures and reveal personal coping mechanisms that help manage the holiday's emotional triggers, offering solace and understanding to anyone finding their way through the joys and pangs of such occasions.
Encircling the theme of maternal love, we reminisce on cherished memories—from the simplicity of Southern wit to the profound impact of shared wisdom. Our hosts stories create a vibrant mosaic of family life, illustrating how moments of humor and humanity bind us to our loved ones. These narratives underscore the beauty of nurture over nature and how the essence of family can transcend traditional boundaries. Join us for an honest and touching exploration that celebrates the indelible mark of mothers, both given and chosen, and the lifetime of memories they gift us.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
Tell us your story or leave a comment by following us on
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Email soimadopted@gmail.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:13):
Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk
everything adoption.
This journey is not one we takealone.
Together we grapple with rawemotions that surface from
adoption stories.
We want you to be comfortableenough to heal, so sit back and
go with us on this journey as wedive deep into adoption.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
We wanted to create a space for adoption truth.
We have a common bond of beingadopted.
Our stories are very, verydifferent.
We wanted to have ourconversations and allow other
people to hear our conversationsand also be able to share
theirs as well.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
You know, this podcast is where we will hear
our adoption stories from otheradoptees, adoptive parents and
biological families.
We will also have input fromlicensed professionals such as
psychologists, social workers,to get a deeper understanding of
this adoption journey.
Hopefully, these stories andperspectives will give hope and
(01:22):
understanding and courage tothose who are adopted or who are
thinking about.
You know, being adopted, alongwith the journey of acceptance,
reconciliation and maintenanceof being adopted, you know those
are going to be some of theanchors that we will highlight
each time we come on thispodcast.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Welcome to another episode of.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
So I'm.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Adopted.
I'm Lisa, I'm John and we areboth adopted.
So on this episode, we're goingto kind of celebrate our
mothers, because this Mother'sDay is this weekend.
This Mother's Day is thisweekend and we want to take a
little time to talk about thetwo most important people in our
(02:10):
lives, right yeah?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I got to be careful how I say that, because I'm
married, I got girls.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
You got to be specific, well you know what I
mean the two most importantmothers Right.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Mothers do hold a special place.
Yes, you just got to make surewe pinpoint that, because my
wife is a mother as well.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
You're right, the ones that made us who we are
today there you go, that'sperfect.
But, yes, the most, the twomost important people.
As far as For who?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
we are today.
We're going to try and justcelebrate them a little bit
today and hopefully it willinspire you wherever you are in
your journey, and again, this isabout nontraditional
relationships.
Hopefully this will inspirethose who are struggling with
their relationship with theirmothers as much as the cards
will be all over the drugstore,because, come Father's Day they
have one small section, mother'sDay they take out the whole
(03:13):
sidewall just to put up cards.
It's true, you're right, buthopefully this will inspire you
to reflect on the relationshipthat you have with your mother,
whether it is your first mom I'musing the language from before
or your adopted mom, or thenon-traditional individual who
(03:34):
is nurturing you.
So that is our desire for thisone, and we're going to jump
right in.
And we started something on ourlast podcast where we brought
light to famous adoptedindividuals.
So, lisa, who do you have thisweek?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
So this week I have Faith Hill, the country singer,
okay, and her story is, you knowshe's married to Tim McGraw,
he's also a country singer.
But before I talk about them,interesting how they ended up
being together.
No-transcript.
(04:36):
She had a loving family, youknow.
She was raised in a greatfamily, loving, warm, comforting
, just like us, so it wasn'tlike she was missing anything
other than who she was.
So she, like for us, was kindof figuring out well, who are we
(04:56):
right?
So she did eventually find outabout her biological family.
Her adoptive parents told herthat it was an affair so they
had to give her up.
But he found out that thatwasn't true.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So why would they say it was an affair?
Speaker 1 (05:19):
I tried to figure that out, I tried to find
something on it, but to find outthey were married.
Her biological parents weremarried and they had a son
younger than her.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Did they keep the son ?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
They kept the son.
But I tried to find outinformation of you know why did
her biological family, you know,give her up and keep him?
But I wasn't able to findanything in regards to that.
But she doesn't.
She speaks a lot about publicly, about her adoption and all
that, so she talks about, butshe never really spoke about why
(05:57):
they gave her up for adoption.
So it's interesting to know ifthey were married, why would you
give her up, unless, I meanthey know if they were married,
what?
Why would you give her up,unless I mean they unless they
were really struggling anddestitute, to where they
couldn't, you know, raise it,raise a child, depending on how
old they were when they gotmarried, correct, you know,
(06:18):
financially they may not, maynot have been able to do it, I
don't know, but she doesn'tspeak about it.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Anyway, I want to listen to some of her music now
to see if it is embedded in thesongs.
Could be Because we talk abouthow indirectly adoption impacts
people, yes, people, and I wouldbelieve that, because that is
her gift, that at least one oneof her songs, or probably bits
(06:46):
and pieces, like I said,sprinkled around.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
So yeah, I'm going to have to research that one.
But she did get her artisticgene from her mother.
Her mother was art, so that'swhere she got her artsy from.
Because of that, now, growingup, you know, once she found her
biological mother.
Unfortunately, she passed in2007.
But she really didn't have adeep, deep relationship with her
(07:11):
, unfortunately.
But she did appreciate that hermother felt that it was best to
give her up so she can have abetter chance at life.
So, based off of that andthat's kind of what she's been
saying out in the public whenshe does interviews so it may
have been a financial situationjust based off of her saying
(07:31):
that, you know, she felt thather mom wanted her to have a
better chance at life.
Wow, you know what I'm saying.
So to me, that's the firstthing that comes in my mind.
Better chance of life isfinancial, maybe.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Potentially so.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
So, yeah, so you know , she marries Tim McGraw and Tim
McGraw I don't know if you knowhe wasn't adopted, but his real
biological father was TugMcGraw, the baseball player.
You remember him?
I don't.
No, I forgot.
You're young, I'm a youngin,you're youngin.
But yes, his father was, and I,I think he found him, found out
(08:17):
maybe I didn't do too much of adeep dive on him because I've
heard the story before, but Ithink he maybe was in his
teenage years or something ofthat nature that he found out
that that was his father.
So he wasn't raised with hisfather, wow, but it was
interesting how these two peoplewith these you know, they're
not the same, but they canunderstand each other's plight.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Non-traditional relationship.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Non-traditional relationship.
That's amazing and you knowthey've been married forever.
So that's my famous personperson, okay, faith hill so mine
is a bit of a shocker okay soI'm gonna give you the the
build-up right.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Okay, because this individual didn't find out until
he was 37 years old oh, like hefound out in 1974.
Time Magazine and researchers.
They learned that JackNicholson, who was my individual
.
He grew up thinking that hismother was his sister and his
(09:18):
grandmother was his mother.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
That sounds like a Tyler Perry movie.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
But he didn't find out until 74.
Both his sister and his motherand grandmother had passed away.
Oh wow, his one died in 1963and the other one died in 1970.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
So he was young.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
He was 37.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
He was 37.
So he was already famous orwell-known at the time.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
At that point, yeah, I think he had some notoriety
when he was already famous orwell-known at the time.
At that point, yeah, I think hehad some notoriety when he was
already probably doing things.
But you know to have thatdropped on you and the
individuals aren't there anymore.
How do you navigate that space,how do you wrap your mind
(10:08):
around that when you've been inthe space with the individual,
but now does that change theconversations that you had with
your sister, that you had withyour mom?
Exactly but then how does yourmom respond, knowing that this
is my yes?
Wow that is an interestingdynamic to be able to keep that
facade going in the house.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
But the thing is he he's never gotten reconciliation
, I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Well, you don't know, Reconciliation may come in
different forms.
I mean, he may be at peace with.
Maybe he saw something growingup that he's like I'm glad that
my grandmother raised me.
You know, we just don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
Or think about it like this andthis is where I say it impacts
(10:56):
everyone differently Maybe thatis one of the things that helps
him play these various rolesthat he's able to go into a
different space because maybe hecreated different dynamics?
Yes, you know.
So everything has a a purpose.
(11:16):
Everything has a purpose.
So that's, that's my celebrity.
Okay, so Jack Nicholson neverknew, uh, but again, recognizing
his gift in the field and howhe's able to just co-switch and
go back and forth excellent,excellent oh excellent.
(11:37):
But you know, a lot of timesthey say your comedians and
actors and actresses are theones that have the most pain
because they're able to go deep.
Yes, into being away fromeverything else, yes, so yes, I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
You're right, that's good.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah, so good research Good research.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
I'm going to top that .
All right, I got a couple in mypocket.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
So let's jump in first.
Happy Mother's Day.
It is upcoming this week.
It is.
It is we were preparing for theepisode and we talked about
this year how do we addressMother's Day.
We've been talking aboutmothers this whole podcast
series and it would be onlyright to acknowledge mothers and
(12:24):
have some dialogue on thebackstories behind Mother's Day.
Again, like I stated earlier,as much as we celebrate it, for
some people it is challenging,yes, you know.
So we want to make sure that wecreate a space for those who
have various emotions for thisupcoming week, space for those
(12:48):
who have various emotions forthis upcoming week.
I can tell you that I, after mymom passed, I didn't really
know how to feel Mother's Daycoming up, and then last year,
after having met my biologicalmom, I still didn't know how to
feel, you know.
So it was all of the differentemotions there was happiness,
there was sadness there wasconfusion, so I'll get into that
(13:10):
later.
But you know, not knowing wherepeople are on their journey, we
just encourage you to do anassessment of where you are.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Yeah, it's.
It is challenging.
I know, when my adoptive motherpassed, I used to avoid
Mother's Day to the point, notfor myself, on that, on that,
you know, if you lost yourmother or whatever, and you know
(13:49):
we would do little circles andeverybody you know start talking
about their feelings and youknow how they, you know, love
their mom and things of thatnature.
I just didn't want to go there.
So I just stopped going tochurch on Mother's Day for a
(14:10):
period of time and then that wasreally challenging for years
for me.
I just stopped.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
So let me ask this question Did you tell the kids
why you stopped going, or evenyour husband?
Or did you create excuses where?
Oh, I just want to do thisbecause it's my day and not go.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, pretty much.
I don't recall telling them why.
I just said oh, like you said,it's my day and I can do what I
want it, and that's my business.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Again, we cope.
Yeah, that's a way of coping.
Yeah, and that's my business.
There it is.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Again, we cope, that's a way of coping, yeah,
but it was a challenge, it wastoo much and it just kept
opening up, reopening the wound,reopening the wound.
But when I found my biologicalmother I got maybe a sense of of
renewal for the day.
(15:07):
But again it was weird because,honestly, it took me forever to
try to find a car, because youknow all the cars are, you know
how you nurtured me, you knowyou've always been there.
You know it was hard.
Maybe we need to start a carbusiness maybe it was just
(15:28):
difficult to find that right car, because I can't say all this
stuff because you didn't, youwasn't there for that right, but
I appreciate you being mymother would acknowledge they
acknowledged that.
But it was tough.
It was tough, it was hard tofind something that suits that
particular occasion with mybiological mother.
(15:49):
Wow, yeah, because you just ittook a minute.
I mean I'm standing in the carstore, I mean I'm struggling.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
It took me a minute.
I'm surprised you didn't walkout, because I can imagine that
would be frustrating, and youjust give up.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
I didn't.
But I mean I tried to find themost simple generic, but you
know that didn't waver you oneway or the other.
It took a minute, but I foundit was weird.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
it was weird and I asked you earlier did you let
your kids or your husband knowin that transition of, like you
said, finding, and then, withMother's Day, did you sacrifice
your Mother's Day for thebenefit of the memories or the
(16:47):
connections?
Speaker 1 (16:48):
or anything.
No, just going to church.
Okay, because then, yeah, justthat.
Going to church, because I knewit was going to go to the same
path of you have to talk aboutyour mother and opening that
womb, just that.
But afterwards, yeah, we didour regular.
You know, whatever they weregoing to do for me, you know,
(17:10):
cook dinner and give my littlecards and gifts and all that
stuff.
So all that went fine, I'm okaywith that.
Okay, I'm fine, I was fine withthat.
It was just that.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Gotcha no-transcript moms come up and I remember
(17:57):
watching.
I don't have any type ofcapacity to think about that.
How would I respond?
And then, after my adopted mompassed, I remember dreading but
not knowing how I would handleit.
Do I need to?
I remember the whole weekbefore on Facebook creating
(18:21):
posts because I felt like Ineeded to let the world know
that she's still in my heart,she's still here, this and that,
and it became to a point thatit was more about me than her
memory, because it wastherapeutic for me.
We went to church and I lost it.
It was tough, but again I madethe excuse that, oh, I needed to
(18:45):
do that.
As time went on, what Irecognized was there's no
blueprint for grieving.
My situation and scenario wasdifferent from everybody else's
and as long as I was whole withwhat was going on, that's what
was important with what wasgoing on.
(19:05):
That's what was important, andwhat I couldn't do was rob my
wife of being celebrated forMother's Day Absolutely yeah.
Nor did I want to rob my twogirls of being able to celebrate
their mother.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
But did Janice understand how you were feeling
and did she give you the spaceto do that?
She?
Speaker 2 (19:27):
definitely gave me the space.
I can't say that she understood, and the reason I say that is
because it's tough to understandwhen you haven't walked that
path.
Once her mom did pass, we had acommon understanding and you
know she wrestled.
And because I had alreadywalked that path, I gave her the
(19:50):
space and I would ask you know,what do you want it to look
like?
What do you need?
Almost putting you know what Ithought I needed for that day to
the side, because it wasfresher for her, because it had
just taken place.
Right, I had already startedthe journey.
So I didn't, I tried not toneed as much and it just, you
know, we just played off of eachother where I would draw
(20:12):
strength from her.
So, but then last year, for me,having connected with my first
mom, I would say, yes, it was,it was still fresh, because we
had just connected in February,I wanted to do everything.
What do I send this morning?
(20:33):
How do I?
I remember she told me just bepatient, just calm down, let it
happen naturally and organically.
Once that plane landed, it wasyou know what I'm going to
celebrate her, and I remember Istarted calling my adopted mom
by her first name in aconversation that I was having
(20:56):
with my first mom and she askedme.
She said why do you call her bythat?
And I said, well, you are myfirst mom, and I used that
language.
And she said okay, I just wantto make sure that you're okay
with it.
And I said, well, you are myfirst mom and I used that
language.
And she said OK, I just want tomake sure that you're OK with
it.
And I said, well, I grew uphaving four sets of grandparents
.
My mom had multiple momsbecause she was raised by her
aunt, so it wasn't foreign forme to have two mothers.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
OK.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
So, but it was interesting that she stopped me
and said you know why are youcalling her Carla and not mom?
Speaker 1 (21:28):
And.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I said well, she's still mom.
I said you're mom.
I said between the two of you,you raised a great man, yeah,
that's right, they did.
I appreciate that they did.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
I appreciate that I can attest to that.
Thank you, yes.
I appreciate that they did.
I appreciate that I can attestto that.
Thank you, yes.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
So let me ask you this what is your favorite
memory of your mother?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
My favorite memory of my mom is how she cared for so
many people in our family, inour church and in our community,
selfishly, and always was there.
(22:12):
So I've mentioned before thatshe was a band parent, she was a
PTA president.
She was always in the schoolsystem doing things for us and
for other people my teachers, mycoaches.
It was nothing for my mom tocook something special for
(22:37):
someone at the school or evensomeone in our neighborhood it
was.
That's the memory that I haveof her her doing for someone
else, her serving someone else,her giving of her time for
someone else.
That's what she did, and Ienjoy serving others because of
(23:02):
what I the example that I saw infront of me Gotcha Okay.
So look, I'm not going to crytoday because I'm trying not to
cry today.
There's nothing wrong withcrying I know, but I didn't want
to cry today.
It's therapeutic, but, yes,that's the example that she set
before me to serve others wasamazing, amazing, I mean, just
(23:33):
yeah, that's, that's the memory.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Awesome, awesome, wow , wow.
So if I had to try and pinpointa favorite memory and parallel
to like you were sharing, my momwas that community mom where
she you know she cooked and dideverything for everybody.
(23:58):
I'm going to go with a internalmemory inside the house, my mom
would, at night, read the greensection of the newspaper.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
The green section yeah, what is that?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
It's the greens.
I never read it, but it was apart of the newspaper that was
the green section.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
I don't know what was in it, but she would always
read the green section.
I'm from New Jersey.
We didn't have a green section.
I don't know what that is theRichmond Times.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Dispatch.
They had a green section.
If you're from Richmond, typein.
I'll Google it, We'll figure itout.
She would be rolling her hair.
She had the old school foamrollers the pink ones, that's
right and the papers and all ofthat good stuff, and she had a
glass of bourbon and she had acigarette.
(24:51):
And I would crawl into the bedeven as a elementary school,
middle school and I would be atthe foot of the bed while she
was doing this, and it would belate at night because she was
self-employed, so she would worklate, so it'd be about 1130.
And she would sit there with acigarette roll in her head with
(25:13):
a drink.
And now that I think about it,it takes skills to do all three
at the same time.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I was about to say that.
I said she's talented.
She worked with her hands.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
That was her thing, and that was her thing, and we
would have conversations aboutlife and at the moment I didn't
recognize how much of a gift itwas, but it was so many life
lessons that were passed down,so much so that when Janice and
(25:41):
I started dating and got married, my mom she didn't drink at
that time and she didn't smoke,but she would still be in there
and her hair had thinned alittle bit so she didn't roll it
, but she would still be inthere reading the paper, have
the TV on at Janice.
I remember she was sitting, itwas a chair in her room and we
have that chair in our bedroomnow and she would just have
(26:04):
conversations.
So that was that moment oftransferring of stories in life.
Um, so I think now that's wheremy gift of gab comes from
because I would just sit thereat her feet and ask questions.
And she would ask me questionsand she would always say you can
ask me anything that you wantIn life.
(26:24):
You're going to make mistakes.
Just don't make the samemistake twice.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
That's good, that was good my mom was full of wisdom.
That's good.
That just brought back a memoryfor me too.
My mom knew everyone's story.
I mean she could talk aboutsomeone's.
It's funny that she kneweveryone's story but never said
(26:55):
her story.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Maybe that's why she knew everybody else's to keep
the conversation going and tokeep you intrigued about, but
never said her story.
Maybe that's why she kneweverybody else's to keep the
conversation going and to keepyou intrigued about everybody
else Telling you everything.
And this is again thebehavioral hat that.
I'm wearing of the motivationof the why.
That may have been her indirectwhy, but not having the
language to communicate.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I just thought about that.
I mean juicy stories too.
I'm telling you juicy storiesoh my goodness what but she
never talked about her story.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Time to think about it.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Hmm, hmm, wow.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
So I think I know the answer to the next question.
I think you shared a little bitof it, but what did you admire
most Much?
Speaker 1 (27:48):
more.
That's what I admired about herwas how she was a servant to to
others, Um, and, and it didn'tmatter to others and it didn't
matter to her.
I mean my.
So my dad had a.
He was a shopaholic when itcomes to groceries.
(28:13):
Really, yes, Trust me, we couldhave.
Like hoarding, if you want tocall it that.
Okay, but it was grocery.
So my mom, like I said, she shewas known for cooking and it
did it was.
It was easy for her to just goand get chicken out the freezer
because it was always food inthere, because he always went
(28:35):
grocery shopping and she wouldcook, take it to whoever you
know.
It didn't matter who it was,she was known for doing that.
We had this one lady that wasin the church that I grew up in.
My mom would make this dishchicken and mushroom dish right.
(28:57):
She called it the healingchicken Because anytime she got
sick my mom would make that forher and she would be better.
She would call it the healingchicken.
I was like, okay, but shealways called it that you know,
and that's who my mom was.
It was nothing for my mom tohave something in the car going
(29:19):
to someone's house to give it tothem, didn't matter Clothes.
Another example my god sisterwas getting married.
Her mom had died years, yearsearlier and my mom went to work.
My mom was a you know homemaker, so she was always at home.
She didn't have to work.
She only worked when she had apurpose to work and this one day
(29:40):
she she started to work atJohnson and Johnson with the
baby wipes were just coming outduring that time.
So she was working at Johnsonand Johnson with the baby wipes
and she made money to help payfor majority of her wedding,
because it was just her.
You know her father of herwedding, because it was just her
father and, mind you, anybodywho knew my mom didn't have to
(30:02):
worry about any baby wipes.
She took care of them Duringthat time frame.
But when I had kids, that shithad sailed years earlier,
because you didn't need it.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
You already could.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
I was like when I say anybody had kids during that
time frame I think it was likethe early 80s During the 80s.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
And you knew my mother.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
You were good.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
You were good.
You would never have to pay fora baby wife.
Back then, I think they hadjust come out with baby wives.
Baby wives are expensive,exactly so that was like the hot
thing Disposable.
You know there was disposablebaby wives and you know, I'm
telling you, that's just who shewas.
That's awesome.
That's just who she was andthat's what I admired about her.
(30:55):
Because she was so given toothers, it didn't matter, I
never met her because she was sogiven to others, it didn't
matter.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
I never met her, but I can see that in you, just how
you are, you pay attention todetails and it's not always out
in the front, but it's thenurturing piece that it comes
across in it.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
so I definitely see that that character, and that's
something that I was.
Obviously it wasn't in my gene.
I was taught that, yeah nowthere's a lot of things native.
Yes, there's a lot of, a lot ofthings that are in my genes
that I didn't realize untilafter I met my biological mother
(31:41):
.
That's why I do that.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
It's interesting you say that had an opportunity to
sit down with my first mom andagain, because I had not seen
her and we're just getting toknow each other and I'm just
sitting there, know each other,and I'm just sitting there
looking at her and I'm just likestuck looking at her face and
she said what baby?
And I said I'm, I just can'tstop looking at you.
(32:08):
And then we started doingsomething and she did something
and I was like whoa, and it waslike stuff that I do, and we
started talking about differentthings and we like Reese's Cups
and I was like that's my guiltypleasure, you know just little
things like that, yes, just likegrab on to.
But the mannerism was the hands,the sense of humor, the
(32:32):
bluntness.
I don't think I'm blunt likethat, but my kids say I am.
But as I'm having conversationswith her and we're starting to,
you know, just be moretransparent, I'm seeing like,
wow, here it is Not being in thepresence of her growing up.
Undeniably, that's a blueprintfor me.
(32:57):
You know that's.
That's a live blueprint.
That that's a live blueprintthat I'm sitting here looking at
.
It doesn't take away fromCarolyn, who raised me and
shaped it.
But that piece of clay thatCarolyn shaped came from mom.
You know what I'm saying.
You can't take that away.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
You can't take it away.
It's crazy because now with myand I keep saying biological I
said I'm going to start usingfirst family, first family.
First family.
When, like my niece, when Italked to her on the phone,
she's like, oh my gosh, yousound just like granny.
Gosh, you sound just likegranny.
(33:38):
I mean for me to have so manydifferent mannerisms and the
things that I do.
It's like this person that Ididn't know all that time.
We both enjoy doing solitairetogether.
I mean, I enjoy solitaire.
(33:58):
I do it on my phone all thetime.
It's a little thing about me,and that was one of her things.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Share a funny story about mom.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Which one Either one you pick about my adoptive mom.
So growing up we lived in ahousehold.
My father was.
We grew up in holiness.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
Wait a minute.
You got to explain what thatmeans.
Everybody might not know.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
Everybody might not know.
So they were very holiness.
Is that?
You, you know you're reallystrict in the biblical words of
Old Testament.
You, you know you're reallystrict in the biblical words of
Old Testament.
So, you know, I couldn't go tothe movies.
I couldn't.
Did you have to wear a hat whenI was in church?
(34:51):
Skirt all the way down.
I didn't wear pants.
I you know all that stuff.
I technically couldn't go tothe prom, and that's the funny
thing.
So, skating any, all this stuffthat we couldn't do worldly, no
, none of that was somethingthat we could do.
(35:11):
You know, makeup, earrings, allthat.
But because of where my mom,well, how my mom was raised, she
again, she was from the WestIndies, so she was raised
Catholic.
So, you know, as far as youknow she, you know she switched
from being Catholic to being aChristian and once she got
(35:36):
married to my father okay, okay,right.
So the funny thing is is that'show he was raised, but she
wasn't raised that way.
So when certain things happenlet's say my prom she would like
tell him to like go to thegrocery store and I'll get
(35:56):
dressed and we'll take pictures,and you know and do the whole
store and I'll get dressed andwe'll take pictures and you know
and do the whole thing.
So he wasn't there, but I don'tthink he was that naive.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
I was about to say he didn't know, like when he came
back, what did you do?
I was gone already, oh okay.
And he didn't ask hey, where?
Speaker 1 (36:13):
is she?
No, yeah, I just think you know, and she would always do things
of that nature.
We would.
I would go skating.
So anytime that I was with mydad I had to wear a skirt.
I don't care if we went down tothe 7-Eleven, but in New Jersey
back then was Cumberland Farm.
(36:34):
Y'all know that.
For those who live in, NewJersey.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
That's the corner store.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
That's like a 7-Eleven.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
That's the bodega.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
I know the language.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
So we will go anywhere.
I would always have to weardresses, but with her for school
or playing outside, I can wearpants.
That was just a thing.
So I think what I enjoyed well,I guess because I was reaping
(37:04):
the benefits of it was how shewas trying to navigate around my
father and I just thought thatwas like the coolest thing to do
, because she would I'm thinkingshe's sneaking, right, you know
what I I'm saying.
So, from a child's perspective,I just thought it was cool how
she would, you know, and hewould go and he would leave and
(37:27):
he would take pictures.
My, my prom date came and youknow, all day too.
Oh my gosh could I have it?
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I'm not, I'm just saying no, no, think about it.
You paint a picture that you'resneaking to even go, you're
sneaking to take pictures.
So I just wasn't even.
I was thinking you just hurryup and get out.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Oh, nah, nah, no, no, we didn't rush.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Push the envelope.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
No, we didn't rush.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Well, I guess because he went to go get my hair done.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
I went to Philly to get my hair done for the prom.
I drove to Philly to get myhair done.
He just never questionedanything, it just happened.
I just thought that was likewow.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
I have to believe that they had some type of
conversation?
Speaker 1 (38:20):
I think they did.
They had to, as as I'm an adult.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
But then I just thought it was you just went
reaping the benefits.
I was just reaping the benefits, Got it From it all you know,
because that's what's who shewas.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
That's what's who she was.
That's awesome.
And then another thing I whatcracked me up was when she would
talk to my I know, my, myfamily's gonna be like really,
but it's true, you know theywould.
Her my aunt would be on thephone talking and really with
anybody, and I knew how she wasand she would the way.
She would just handle her onthe phone and then she'll get up
and just say you know what I'm?
(39:03):
I just told her that just soshe would get off my back.
And I thought that was thefunniest thing.
Because later on we had theconversation.
She was like, no, she would do.
I said I was on the other endof the line.
She would do.
I said I was on the other endof the line, so I know what
actually took place, right, butshe always had she can cuss you
(39:25):
out without using the cuss wordand you be like did I just get
cussed out?
Yeah, did she just cuss me out?
And then people's like what didshe?
Because she was from West Indy.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Oh, okay, when she got upset.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
When she got upset, the dialogue was thick.
I didn't I.
She sounded American to me.
Because, I was there all thetime but people were like, wait
a minute, wait a minute, did she?
Just?
I thought those were comicaltimes.
But no one messed with her,especially when she had a knife
(40:06):
in her hand, because she wouldalways go don't play with me,
because she's always cooking, soshe was always cutting
something up.
So you never messed with herwhen she was in the kitchen.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
That?
Yeah, you didn't do that.
She always had a was in thekitchen, gotcha?
That mm-mm?
Yeah, you didn't do that.
She always had a knife in herhand, because she was always
cutting something up and shewould always talk like this Wow,
so play with her if you want to?
Yeah, don't play with her, butshe and all that again, she was
(40:41):
a giver, she was a giver, shewas a giver.
She gave whatever she had andshe was there for whomever.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
That's a life lesson.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
If I could be just an ounce of who she was.
I think you are, I think youhave.
I'm a better woman.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
But here I'm gonna take it a step further.
I'm gonna tell you why.
I know that you are because itis in your children, so it's
been passed down.
What she did you do modeled,and now your kids do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I've seen them do it, youknow, so you don't have to
(41:27):
guess whether that's somethingthat you do.
You've done it, you still do it.
Speaker 1 (41:32):
Yeah, Well, thank you , I appreciate you seeing that
in me and and my and my children.
I appreciate that.
I appreciate you seeing that inme and in my children.
I appreciate that.
I appreciate the sapettes yeah,they're pretty special.
I agree, they're pretty special.
I tried.
So tell me this what do youmiss about your mom?
Speaker 2 (42:00):
What do you miss about your mom?
What do I miss?
No-transcript, and I say phoneconversations because when I got
older you know I would be hereand she would be in Richmond.
(42:27):
And our conversations, just likeanything else, evolved.
So me growing up, it started,like I said, sitting at the foot
of the bed and just gettinglife lessons and then, when I
got to college, it was herliving vicariously through me,
and it was so and again, nowreflecting back, she had the
(42:49):
gift of gab to be able to pullcertain things out, so she would
make it seem like she had noclue what was going on and she
was so excited to hear what Iwas doing and I was excited to
tell her.
And I was excited to tell her.
I'll never forget Janice and Istarted dating and I called and
(43:15):
said Mom, you know, I think Ifound somebody I'm interested in
and she was like well abouttime.
I said, well.
She said, well, tell me aboutit.
And I started telling her aboutit.
She was like, oh, okay.
And as I continued to talk, shewas like well, when do I get to
meet her?
And I said, well, I don't know.
This so happened.
(43:35):
She ended up meeting her thenext week.
We went on with the church, myaunt was giving her initial
sermon and after we met and shemet Janice, and then we talked
the next day, she said I likethat girl, you're going to be
all right.
And I said, well, I think I'm agood catch too.
(43:56):
She was like, yeah, well,that's not important.
She would have these ways ofhumbling you.
The other thing I miss abouther, and it's twofold, my mom
had these one-liners thesesayings that she got from the
South.
My mom was from a place calledMargaret Alabama.
Her dad was from Youngstown.
(44:19):
Okay, my mom was from Detroit.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
So she had the combination of just life.
So she would have these sayingsthat just in the moment it
didn't make any sense.
She would say if something wasgoing on and it didn't make
sense, she would say somethingin the milk ain't white.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
What did that mean?
Speaker 2 (44:41):
That means there's something wrong If you get milk.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
that's not white, you ain't going to drink it.
That's true.
She would say, and this Well,that's true.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
That's true.
You know, she would say, andthis was something that I
adopted and it sounds harsh andI heard her say it and it was so
I don't even know if I shouldsay it, but that's who she was.
And if you knew my mom, you'veheard her say that.
Hopefully she didn't say itabout you, but I'm gonna tell
(45:11):
you, people would like and mymom was giving, so she would
endure a lot.
But when she got to that point,when she had enough and she
would say you can get your assto jesus, because I'm through
with you I know that's right andthink about it.
It as an elementary school kidyou hear your mom say that it's
(45:31):
like, yeah, I don't know what itmeans, but yeah, sound good.
And she would say it and shewouldn't blink her eye and I
mean she just was like there's abook I don't know who has it
now, but just of Carolyn sayingMmm, yeah, it was a book.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
he had to be really done with you to say that, oh
what?
Speaker 2 (45:54):
done and I will say I heard her say it three times
and all three of thoseindividuals never dotted the
dough of 3000 glenn and driveagain.
She was adamant about it wowshe didn't play um, so she was
done done she was done, welldone wow, yeah, um, that's a
(46:23):
final statement.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
when it comes to that's a drop the mic man, what?
Speaker 2 (46:27):
How do you respond to ?
Speaker 1 (46:28):
that you can't, you don't grace that door ever again
.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
And my mom you know she grew up like I said.
She used to work for five hoursa day cleaning houses.
Okay, so her mindset was shedidn't grow up with a lot of
money.
So when she got to a point thatshe became an adult and, like I
said, she was self-employed andshe was making good money, so
she went to, we went on cruises,she went to London.
(46:55):
She had this jelly bean storythat she would tell and it was a
reflection of just her workingfor five hours a day.
She would work for thewell-to-do white folks.
She was worked for thewell-to-do white folks and she
said she was cleaning the houseone day and the lady had some
jelly beans my mom's cleaningand she saw them and the lady
(47:18):
was like you want some of thesejelly beans?
And my mom was like no, thankyou, you know, very humble, but
she said deep down she wantedthem.
So she said, you know, a weekwent by and the next week when
she came in, when she got readyto leave, the lady gave her a
little bag and said I want togive you these.
And I was like no, no, thankyou.
(47:39):
She says no, I saw you lookingup and I want to be a blessing
to you.
And she said that's where shefirst learned the blessing of
giving somebody something.
She said because that jellybean meant the world to her.
She said she didn't eat itbecause she couldn't afford to
get no other ones, but it helpedher understand that you know
(48:04):
what To do something nice forsomebody goes a long way, goes a
long way.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
You never want to take away someone else's
blessing.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
Right, right, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
I did learn that from my mother.
When someone wants to bless you, don't say no, give it to them
because that's what they want todo as a blessing.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
So I'll tell you a memory that I have of my first
mom.
So it was my dad, my doctor.
Dad died in February of lastyear, so my birthday is February
24th.
That morning about five o'clock, I got a text from her.
(48:46):
Now, mind you, we hadn't talkeda whole lot, I had just met her
for the first time.
I didn't even realize I'd mether at the film.
But when I got the text it I'mnot going to say solidified all
of my questions, but I had thisfeeling of validation because
for 40 plus years I alwayswondered did she remember my
(49:08):
birthday?
Speaker 1 (49:08):
Because for 40 plus years.
I always wondered did sheremember my birthday?
Speaker 2 (49:10):
And I asked her and she said.
She said yeah, I did.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
But if you don't know , you just need.
I asked the same question.
Your mind fills in the blanks.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
Yeah, I asked the same question, you know, and
we're building even morememories now, but that was one
of the first ones that likereally humbled me and floored me
.
You know, I wish I was better,I would journal I'm not good at
that stuff.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
Yeah, me either.
And I'm like, oh, my goodness,and I know that my mom
remembered my birthday was likeyou did.
I asked and she said yes, andso I think the running joke with
my siblings are now like shechanged her password to my
birthday so they couldn't get in.
Well, you know they, they knewthat it was changed, you know,
(50:00):
because I think it, because mybrother was like the golden boy,
so everything was my brother,my brother, my brother, and.
But when I came on the scene,she changed the password to my
birthday and and I changed mypassword to her her her birthday
too.
Oh, how sweet.
Yes, yes.
(50:21):
And one of the most memorablethings I just thought about with
with my mom was you know, she,you know, she said she didn't
have a lot, and I'm like, well,I don't have nothing either.
So, we good, we good.
She said you know, I don't haveanything.
But I remember her actuallygiving me two things.
(50:44):
One was we took a trip to DCand during that trip we went to
the wax museum and people whoknow me know I love Whitney
Houston.
So I took a picture withWhitney Houston's wax figure and
(51:08):
on my birthday she framed it.
She framed it for me and sentit to me as a gift.
I was so touched.
That's the first thing she'sever given me.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
And the fact that you loved Whitney Houston as you do
.
Yes, that was huge, that was.
Speaker 1 (51:26):
That was huge.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
That was.
Speaker 1 (51:28):
And then the last thing that she gave me before
her passing was a necklace withmy initial and my birthstone in
it.
Awesome, but the WhitneyHouston.
I love the necklace, but theWhitney Houston was the one that
it's the little things.
It's the little things you know.
(51:48):
I didn't even expect for her todo that, but she thought of me
that much to do that, so thatwas really touching to me.
Speaker 2 (52:02):
So, as we're reflecting about our memories
from Mother's and Mother's Dayand First Mothers and first
mothers and second mothers, Iwant to take a moment to just
encourage everybody to one bemindful that tomorrow is not
promised, you know, don't putoff till tomorrow what you can
(52:26):
do today to tomorrow.
What you can do today, if youhave any opportunity for
reconciliation or to share orconnect, try Now.
There are scenarios andsituations that are beyond your
control.
I'm not saying to move heavenand earth, to do something
that's impossible, but I thinkthat, being on the other side,
(52:48):
we always say the hindsight is20-20.
Speaker 1 (52:50):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
Being on this side.
You know we wish that we could.
You know, there will bepotentially a day where you're
going to say, man, I wish Icould have that meal one more
time.
I wish I could you know, havethat conversation or, you know,
go and see.
(53:12):
Those are gifts that I thinksometimes we take for granted in
the routines of life.
Yeah, because we feel like, oh,I ain't got to worry about that
, we put it to the side.
I just want to really encourage, especially this week, to
reflect on where you're at.
(53:33):
I'm not going to make it areligious thing, because I don't
know what your choice is, but Ibelieve that everything happens
for a reason.
I just think that sometimes wedon't take the time to recognize
what the reason is or evenaccept it, because we want to
put our own spin on it and ourown reasoning and selfishness.
(53:54):
Um, but it is a beautiful thingto have memories of a mother.
Um, I know some people don'thave positive memories, um, and
what I would say is I encourageyou to talk to somebody about it
.
Yeah, because it is.
(54:15):
It's tough to kind of balanceall your thoughts yourself.
Yeah, you know I'm an advocatefor counseling.
I've had to go to counseling asa result of my adopted mom
passing, because I just didn'tknow how to proceed.
I felt like I was in slowmotion and everybody in the
(54:36):
world was going fast forward, soI needed to hit the reset
button.
Even with my first mom comingback in, I had to learn how to
navigate that space.
Speaker 1 (54:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
You know, like I said , I wanted everything to be fast
and then I wanted everybody tolook at the situation like I did
.
You know, I've been.
It's like a slingshot.
I've been waiting and I'm justready to go.
And even she had to remind mejust be sober, just be natural.
And then even with my daughters, they've seen the whole thing
(55:17):
play out, so they are very muchguarded and reserved, as well as
my wife.
The one thing that I think thatour community does not do well
is have discussions.
Speaker 1 (55:30):
Oh absolutely.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
Our communication, you know is, is lacking at times
.
So this week make a phone call.
It might not be to your mom,but it might be to a mother
figure, could be to an aunt.
Yeah, reach out and just letsomebody know the impact that
they've had on you, because theold saying goes, you know, give
(55:51):
people their flowers whilethey're here.
So we want to give andacknowledge.
That's what we wanted to dotoday Give flowers.
I want to give you your flowers, like I tried to just
communicate, like seeing you andthe impact you've had on my
family and my girls and thenyour kids or my girls.
(56:13):
I appreciate it, I'm thankfulfor it.
You know, and now understandingand knowing where it came from,
two generations prior to yes,so thank you for that.
Speaker 1 (56:23):
Well, thank you for sharing your daughters with me.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
Not a problem.
It takes a village, it takes avillage.
Speaker 1 (56:29):
It takes a village, I know.
I want to say that weappreciate our first mothers for
bringing us into the worldAbsolutely and we appreciate our
adoptive mothers for making uswho we are today.
Speaker 2 (56:47):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (56:47):
We wouldn't be who we are without either one of them.
We had to have both of them inour lives.
Speaker 2 (56:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (56:54):
And that's important, because who knows who we would
have been if we stayed with thefirst family?
We just don't know.
But like John said earlier, allthings happen for a reason in a
season.
So this was our.
(57:15):
Our path of where we went wasdestined for us to go in that
direction.
Speaker 2 (57:20):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (57:22):
Would we have loved to be in our adoptive family.
Who wouldn't?
Right, but I wouldn't changenothing for the family that I
was raised in.
I wouldn't, I just wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (57:49):
Yeah, I agree.
You know, my first mom has evensaid to me she was like her
prayer was that I was taken careof and loved, and she was able
to see that her prayer wasanswered.
So you know what else can youreally ask for.
So you know what else can youreally ask for.
Speaker 1 (58:12):
So and see, and this is why I didn't go to church on
Mother's Day.
Speaker 2 (58:17):
I'm sorry, sorry for pulling the bandaid, but
hopefully they are tears of joyand a safe space.
And, yeah, the thing I willshare, sometimes being
transparent, it gives otherpeople permission to be
vulnerable.
Here it is.
We don't know where this willland and who will see it and why
(58:41):
.
So, hopefully, our reflections.
We took a different turn thanwe normally do, but with
Mother's Day coming up, wewanted to, like I said, just
kind of share our hearts andgive some flowers.
Yes, there you go, thank you.
So again, we want to say happyMother's Day to all the mothers
(59:06):
out there.
All the mother figures me, mom,grandma, everybody.
Mother's Day to all the mothersout there.
All the mother figures me-moms,grandmas, aunties, everybody,
thank you.
Thank you for being a mother,for choosing to be a mother.
Speaker 1 (59:20):
Happy Mother's Day to all.
Speaker 2 (59:25):
I'm John.
Speaker 1 (59:26):
And I'm Lisa, and we are adopted.
Speaker 2 (59:29):
This was our Mother's Day episode.
Speaker 1 (59:32):
Until next time.
Speaker 2 (59:34):
Until the next episode.
Thank you for listening to theso I'm Adopted podcast.
We hope that this wasinformative and educational.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at so I'm Adopted.
Also, subscribe to our YouTubechannel so I'm Adopted.
(59:57):
And again, thank you forlistening and until next time,
make the choice to begin yourhealing journey.
Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk
everything adoption.
This journey is not one we takealone.
Together we grapple with rawemotions that surface from
adoption stories.
We want you to be comfortableenough to heal, so sit back and
go with us on this journey as wedive deep into adoption.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
We wanted to create a space for adoption truth.
We have a common bond of beingadopted.
Our stories are very, verydifferent.
We wanted to have ourconversations and allow other
people to hear our conversationsand also be able to share
theirs as well.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
You know, this podcast is where we will hear
our adoption stories from otheradoptees, adoptive parents and
biological families.
We will also have input fromlicensed professionals such as
psychologists, social workers,to get a deeper understanding of
this adoption journey.
Hopefully, these stories andperspectives will give hope and
(01:22):
understanding and courage tothose who are adopted or who are
thinking about.
You know, being adopted, alongwith the journey of acceptance,
reconciliation and maintenanceof being adopted, you know those
are going to be some of theanchors that we will highlight
each time we come on thispodcast.
Speaker 1 (01:43):
Welcome to another episode of.
Speaker 2 (01:47):
So I'm.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
Adopted.
I'm Lisa, I'm John and we areboth adopted.
So on this episode, we're goingto kind of celebrate our
mothers, because this Mother'sDay is this weekend.
This Mother's Day is thisweekend and we want to take a
little time to talk about thetwo most important people in our
(02:10):
lives, right yeah?
Speaker 2 (02:15):
I got to be careful how I say that, because I'm
married, I got girls.
Speaker 1 (02:18):
You got to be specific, well you know what I
mean the two most importantmothers Right.
Speaker 2 (02:24):
Mothers do hold a special place.
Yes, you just got to make surewe pinpoint that, because my
wife is a mother as well.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
You're right, the ones that made us who we are
today there you go, that'sperfect.
But, yes, the most, the twomost important people.
As far as For who?
Speaker 2 (02:50):
we are today.
We're going to try and justcelebrate them a little bit
today and hopefully it willinspire you wherever you are in
your journey, and again, this isabout nontraditional
relationships.
Hopefully this will inspirethose who are struggling with
their relationship with theirmothers as much as the cards
will be all over the drugstore,because, come Father's Day they
have one small section, mother'sDay they take out the whole
(03:13):
sidewall just to put up cards.
It's true, you're right, buthopefully this will inspire you
to reflect on the relationshipthat you have with your mother,
whether it is your first mom I'musing the language from before
or your adopted mom, or thenon-traditional individual who
(03:34):
is nurturing you.
So that is our desire for thisone, and we're going to jump
right in.
And we started something on ourlast podcast where we brought
light to famous adoptedindividuals.
So, lisa, who do you have thisweek?
Speaker 1 (03:48):
So this week I have Faith Hill, the country singer,
okay, and her story is, you knowshe's married to Tim McGraw,
he's also a country singer.
But before I talk about them,interesting how they ended up
being together.
No-transcript.
(04:36):
She had a loving family, youknow.
She was raised in a greatfamily, loving, warm, comforting
, just like us, so it wasn'tlike she was missing anything
other than who she was.
So she, like for us, was kindof figuring out well, who are we
(04:56):
right?
So she did eventually find outabout her biological family.
Her adoptive parents told herthat it was an affair so they
had to give her up.
But he found out that thatwasn't true.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So why would they say it was an affair?
Speaker 1 (05:19):
I tried to figure that out, I tried to find
something on it, but to find outthey were married.
Her biological parents weremarried and they had a son
younger than her.
Speaker 2 (05:30):
Did they keep the son ?
Speaker 1 (05:32):
They kept the son.
But I tried to find outinformation of you know why did
her biological family, you know,give her up and keep him?
But I wasn't able to findanything in regards to that.
But she doesn't.
She speaks a lot about publicly, about her adoption and all
that, so she talks about, butshe never really spoke about why
(05:57):
they gave her up for adoption.
So it's interesting to know ifthey were married, why would you
give her up, unless, I meanthey know if they were married,
what?
Why would you give her up,unless I mean they unless they
were really struggling anddestitute, to where they
couldn't, you know, raise it,raise a child, depending on how
old they were when they gotmarried, correct, you know,
(06:18):
financially they may not, maynot have been able to do it, I
don't know, but she doesn'tspeak about it.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Anyway, I want to listen to some of her music now
to see if it is embedded in thesongs.
Could be Because we talk abouthow indirectly adoption impacts
people, yes, people, and I wouldbelieve that, because that is
her gift, that at least one oneof her songs, or probably bits
(06:46):
and pieces, like I said,sprinkled around.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
So yeah, I'm going to have to research that one.
But she did get her artisticgene from her mother.
Her mother was art, so that'swhere she got her artsy from.
Because of that, now, growingup, you know, once she found her
biological mother.
Unfortunately, she passed in2007.
But she really didn't have adeep, deep relationship with her
(07:11):
, unfortunately.
But she did appreciate that hermother felt that it was best to
give her up so she can have abetter chance at life.
So, based off of that andthat's kind of what she's been
saying out in the public whenshe does interviews so it may
have been a financial situationjust based off of her saying
(07:31):
that, you know, she felt thather mom wanted her to have a
better chance at life.
Wow, you know what I'm saying.
So to me, that's the firstthing that comes in my mind.
Better chance of life isfinancial, maybe.
Speaker 2 (07:45):
Potentially so.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
So, yeah, so you know , she marries Tim McGraw and Tim
McGraw I don't know if you knowhe wasn't adopted, but his real
biological father was TugMcGraw, the baseball player.
You remember him?
I don't.
No, I forgot.
You're young, I'm a youngin,you're youngin.
But yes, his father was, and I,I think he found him, found out
(08:17):
maybe I didn't do too much of adeep dive on him because I've
heard the story before, but Ithink he maybe was in his
teenage years or something ofthat nature that he found out
that that was his father.
So he wasn't raised with hisfather, wow, but it was
interesting how these two peoplewith these you know, they're
not the same, but they canunderstand each other's plight.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
Non-traditional relationship.
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Non-traditional relationship.
That's amazing and you knowthey've been married forever.
So that's my famous personperson, okay, faith hill so mine
is a bit of a shocker okay soI'm gonna give you the the
build-up right.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
Okay, because this individual didn't find out until
he was 37 years old oh, like hefound out in 1974.
Time Magazine and researchers.
They learned that JackNicholson, who was my individual
.
He grew up thinking that hismother was his sister and his
(09:18):
grandmother was his mother.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
That sounds like a Tyler Perry movie.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
But he didn't find out until 74.
Both his sister and his motherand grandmother had passed away.
Oh wow, his one died in 1963and the other one died in 1970.
Speaker 1 (09:38):
So he was young.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
He was 37.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
He was 37.
So he was already famous orwell-known at the time.
Speaker 2 (09:44):
At that point, yeah, I think he had some notoriety
when he was already famous orwell-known at the time.
At that point, yeah, I think hehad some notoriety when he was
already probably doing things.
But you know to have thatdropped on you and the
individuals aren't there anymore.
How do you navigate that space,how do you wrap your mind
(10:08):
around that when you've been inthe space with the individual,
but now does that change theconversations that you had with
your sister, that you had withyour mom?
Exactly but then how does yourmom respond, knowing that this
is my yes?
Wow that is an interestingdynamic to be able to keep that
facade going in the house.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
But the thing is he he's never gotten reconciliation
, I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (10:33):
Well, you don't know, Reconciliation may come in
different forms.
I mean, he may be at peace with.
Maybe he saw something growingup that he's like I'm glad that
my grandmother raised me.
You know, we just don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
Or think about it like this andthis is where I say it impacts
(10:56):
everyone differently Maybe thatis one of the things that helps
him play these various rolesthat he's able to go into a
different space because maybe hecreated different dynamics?
Yes, you know.
So everything has a a purpose.
(11:16):
Everything has a purpose.
So that's, that's my celebrity.
Okay, so Jack Nicholson neverknew, uh, but again, recognizing
his gift in the field and howhe's able to just co-switch and
go back and forth excellent,excellent oh excellent.
(11:37):
But you know, a lot of timesthey say your comedians and
actors and actresses are theones that have the most pain
because they're able to go deep.
Yes, into being away fromeverything else, yes, so yes, I
don't know.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
You're right, that's good.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
Yeah, so good research Good research.
Speaker 1 (11:56):
I'm going to top that .
All right, I got a couple in mypocket.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
So let's jump in first.
Happy Mother's Day.
It is upcoming this week.
It is.
It is we were preparing for theepisode and we talked about
this year how do we addressMother's Day.
We've been talking aboutmothers this whole podcast
series and it would be onlyright to acknowledge mothers and
(12:24):
have some dialogue on thebackstories behind Mother's Day.
Again, like I stated earlier,as much as we celebrate it, for
some people it is challenging,yes, you know.
So we want to make sure that wecreate a space for those who
have various emotions for thisupcoming week, space for those
(12:48):
who have various emotions forthis upcoming week.
I can tell you that I, after mymom passed, I didn't really
know how to feel Mother's Daycoming up, and then last year,
after having met my biologicalmom, I still didn't know how to
feel, you know.
So it was all of the differentemotions there was happiness,
there was sadness there wasconfusion, so I'll get into that
(13:10):
later.
But you know, not knowing wherepeople are on their journey, we
just encourage you to do anassessment of where you are.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Yeah, it's.
It is challenging.
I know, when my adoptive motherpassed, I used to avoid
Mother's Day to the point, notfor myself, on that, on that,
you know, if you lost yourmother or whatever, and you know
(13:49):
we would do little circles andeverybody you know start talking
about their feelings and youknow how they, you know, love
their mom and things of thatnature.
I just didn't want to go there.
So I just stopped going tochurch on Mother's Day for a
(14:10):
period of time and then that wasreally challenging for years
for me.
I just stopped.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
So let me ask this question Did you tell the kids
why you stopped going, or evenyour husband?
Or did you create excuses where?
Oh, I just want to do thisbecause it's my day and not go.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
Yeah, pretty much.
I don't recall telling them why.
I just said oh, like you said,it's my day and I can do what I
want it, and that's my business.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Again, we cope.
Yeah, that's a way of coping.
Yeah, and that's my business.
There it is.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
Again, we cope, that's a way of coping, yeah,
but it was a challenge, it wastoo much and it just kept
opening up, reopening the wound,reopening the wound.
But when I found my biologicalmother I got maybe a sense of of
renewal for the day.
(15:07):
But again it was weird because,honestly, it took me forever to
try to find a car, because youknow all the cars are, you know
how you nurtured me, you knowyou've always been there.
You know it was hard.
Maybe we need to start a carbusiness maybe it was just
(15:28):
difficult to find that right car, because I can't say all this
stuff because you didn't, youwasn't there for that right, but
I appreciate you being mymother would acknowledge they
acknowledged that.
But it was tough.
It was tough, it was hard tofind something that suits that
particular occasion with mybiological mother.
(15:49):
Wow, yeah, because you just ittook a minute.
I mean I'm standing in the carstore, I mean I'm struggling.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
It took me a minute.
I'm surprised you didn't walkout, because I can imagine that
would be frustrating, and youjust give up.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
I didn't.
But I mean I tried to find themost simple generic, but you
know that didn't waver you oneway or the other.
It took a minute, but I foundit was weird.
Speaker 2 (16:25):
it was weird and I asked you earlier did you let
your kids or your husband knowin that transition of, like you
said, finding, and then, withMother's Day, did you sacrifice
your Mother's Day for thebenefit of the memories or the
(16:47):
connections?
Speaker 1 (16:48):
or anything.
No, just going to church.
Okay, because then, yeah, justthat.
Going to church, because I knewit was going to go to the same
path of you have to talk aboutyour mother and opening that
womb, just that.
But afterwards, yeah, we didour regular.
You know, whatever they weregoing to do for me, you know,
(17:10):
cook dinner and give my littlecards and gifts and all that
stuff.
So all that went fine, I'm okaywith that.
Okay, I'm fine, I was fine withthat.
It was just that.
Speaker 2 (17:20):
Gotcha no-transcript moms come up and I remember
(17:57):
watching.
I don't have any type ofcapacity to think about that.
How would I respond?
And then, after my adopted mompassed, I remember dreading but
not knowing how I would handleit.
Do I need to?
I remember the whole weekbefore on Facebook creating
(18:21):
posts because I felt like Ineeded to let the world know
that she's still in my heart,she's still here, this and that,
and it became to a point thatit was more about me than her
memory, because it wastherapeutic for me.
We went to church and I lost it.
It was tough, but again I madethe excuse that, oh, I needed to
(18:45):
do that.
As time went on, what Irecognized was there's no
blueprint for grieving.
My situation and scenario wasdifferent from everybody else's
and as long as I was whole withwhat was going on, that's what
was important with what wasgoing on.
(19:05):
That's what was important, andwhat I couldn't do was rob my
wife of being celebrated forMother's Day Absolutely yeah.
Nor did I want to rob my twogirls of being able to celebrate
their mother.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
But did Janice understand how you were feeling
and did she give you the spaceto do that?
She?
Speaker 2 (19:27):
definitely gave me the space.
I can't say that she understood, and the reason I say that is
because it's tough to understandwhen you haven't walked that
path.
Once her mom did pass, we had acommon understanding and you
know she wrestled.
And because I had alreadywalked that path, I gave her the
(19:50):
space and I would ask you know,what do you want it to look
like?
What do you need?
Almost putting you know what Ithought I needed for that day to
the side, because it wasfresher for her, because it had
just taken place.
Right, I had already startedthe journey.
So I didn't, I tried not toneed as much and it just, you
know, we just played off of eachother where I would draw
(20:12):
strength from her.
So, but then last year, for me,having connected with my first
mom, I would say, yes, it was,it was still fresh, because we
had just connected in February,I wanted to do everything.
What do I send this morning?
(20:33):
How do I?
I remember she told me just bepatient, just calm down, let it
happen naturally and organically.
Once that plane landed, it wasyou know what I'm going to
celebrate her, and I remember Istarted calling my adopted mom
by her first name in aconversation that I was having
(20:56):
with my first mom and she askedme.
She said why do you call her bythat?
And I said, well, you are myfirst mom, and I used that
language.
And she said okay, I just wantto make sure that you're okay
with it.
And I said, well, you are myfirst mom and I used that
language.
And she said OK, I just want tomake sure that you're OK with
it.
And I said, well, I grew uphaving four sets of grandparents
.
My mom had multiple momsbecause she was raised by her
aunt, so it wasn't foreign forme to have two mothers.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
OK.
Speaker 2 (21:20):
So, but it was interesting that she stopped me
and said you know why are youcalling her Carla and not mom?
Speaker 1 (21:28):
And.
Speaker 2 (21:29):
I said well, she's still mom.
I said you're mom.
I said between the two of you,you raised a great man, yeah,
that's right, they did.
I appreciate that they did.
Speaker 1 (21:41):
I appreciate that I can attest to that.
Thank you, yes.
I appreciate that they did.
I appreciate that I can attestto that.
Thank you, yes.
Speaker 2 (21:45):
So let me ask you this what is your favorite
memory of your mother?
Speaker 1 (21:52):
My favorite memory of my mom is how she cared for so
many people in our family, inour church and in our community,
selfishly, and always was there.
(22:12):
So I've mentioned before thatshe was a band parent, she was a
PTA president.
She was always in the schoolsystem doing things for us and
for other people my teachers, mycoaches.
It was nothing for my mom tocook something special for
(22:37):
someone at the school or evensomeone in our neighborhood it
was.
That's the memory that I haveof her her doing for someone
else, her serving someone else,her giving of her time for
someone else.
That's what she did, and Ienjoy serving others because of
(23:02):
what I the example that I saw infront of me Gotcha Okay.
So look, I'm not going to crytoday because I'm trying not to
cry today.
There's nothing wrong withcrying I know, but I didn't want
to cry today.
It's therapeutic, but, yes,that's the example that she set
before me to serve others wasamazing, amazing, I mean, just
(23:33):
yeah, that's, that's the memory.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
Awesome, awesome, wow , wow.
So if I had to try and pinpointa favorite memory and parallel
to like you were sharing, my momwas that community mom where
she you know she cooked and dideverything for everybody.
(23:58):
I'm going to go with a internalmemory inside the house, my mom
would, at night, read the greensection of the newspaper.
Speaker 1 (24:13):
The green section yeah, what is that?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
It's the greens.
I never read it, but it was apart of the newspaper that was
the green section.
Speaker 1 (24:24):
I don't know what was in it, but she would always
read the green section.
I'm from New Jersey.
We didn't have a green section.
I don't know what that is theRichmond Times.
Speaker 2 (24:29):
Dispatch.
They had a green section.
If you're from Richmond, typein.
I'll Google it, We'll figure itout.
She would be rolling her hair.
She had the old school foamrollers the pink ones, that's
right and the papers and all ofthat good stuff, and she had a
glass of bourbon and she had acigarette.
(24:51):
And I would crawl into the bedeven as a elementary school,
middle school and I would be atthe foot of the bed while she
was doing this, and it would belate at night because she was
self-employed, so she would worklate, so it'd be about 1130.
And she would sit there with acigarette roll in her head with
(25:13):
a drink.
And now that I think about it,it takes skills to do all three
at the same time.
Speaker 1 (25:16):
I was about to say that.
I said she's talented.
She worked with her hands.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
That was her thing, and that was her thing, and we
would have conversations aboutlife and at the moment I didn't
recognize how much of a gift itwas, but it was so many life
lessons that were passed down,so much so that when Janice and
(25:41):
I started dating and got married, my mom she didn't drink at
that time and she didn't smoke,but she would still be in there
and her hair had thinned alittle bit so she didn't roll it
, but she would still be inthere reading the paper, have
the TV on at Janice.
I remember she was sitting, itwas a chair in her room and we
have that chair in our bedroomnow and she would just have
(26:04):
conversations.
So that was that moment oftransferring of stories in life.
Um, so I think now that's wheremy gift of gab comes from
because I would just sit thereat her feet and ask questions.
And she would ask me questionsand she would always say you can
ask me anything that you wantIn life.
(26:24):
You're going to make mistakes.
Just don't make the samemistake twice.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
That's good, that was good my mom was full of wisdom.
That's good.
That just brought back a memoryfor me too.
My mom knew everyone's story.
I mean she could talk aboutsomeone's.
It's funny that she kneweveryone's story but never said
(26:55):
her story.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
Maybe that's why she knew everybody else's to keep
the conversation going and tokeep you intrigued about, but
never said her story.
Maybe that's why she kneweverybody else's to keep the
conversation going and to keepyou intrigued about everybody
else Telling you everything.
And this is again thebehavioral hat that.
I'm wearing of the motivationof the why.
That may have been her indirectwhy, but not having the
language to communicate.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I just thought about that.
I mean juicy stories too.
I'm telling you juicy storiesoh my goodness what but she
never talked about her story.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Time to think about it.
Speaker 1 (27:38):
Hmm, hmm, wow.
Speaker 2 (27:41):
So I think I know the answer to the next question.
I think you shared a little bitof it, but what did you admire
most Much?
Speaker 1 (27:48):
more.
That's what I admired about herwas how she was a servant to to
others, Um, and, and it didn'tmatter to others and it didn't
matter to her.
I mean my.
So my dad had a.
He was a shopaholic when itcomes to groceries.
(28:13):
Really, yes, Trust me, we couldhave.
Like hoarding, if you want tocall it that.
Okay, but it was grocery.
So my mom, like I said, she shewas known for cooking and it
did it was.
It was easy for her to just goand get chicken out the freezer
because it was always food inthere, because he always went
(28:35):
grocery shopping and she wouldcook, take it to whoever you
know.
It didn't matter who it was,she was known for doing that.
We had this one lady that wasin the church that I grew up in.
My mom would make this dishchicken and mushroom dish right.
(28:57):
She called it the healingchicken Because anytime she got
sick my mom would make that forher and she would be better.
She would call it the healingchicken.
I was like, okay, but shealways called it that you know,
and that's who my mom was.
It was nothing for my mom tohave something in the car going
(29:19):
to someone's house to give it tothem, didn't matter Clothes.
Another example my god sisterwas getting married.
Her mom had died years, yearsearlier and my mom went to work.
My mom was a you know homemaker, so she was always at home.
She didn't have to work.
She only worked when she had apurpose to work and this one day
(29:40):
she she started to work atJohnson and Johnson with the
baby wipes were just coming outduring that time.
So she was working at Johnsonand Johnson with the baby wipes
and she made money to help payfor majority of her wedding,
because it was just her.
You know her father of herwedding, because it was just her
father and, mind you, anybodywho knew my mom didn't have to
(30:02):
worry about any baby wipes.
She took care of them Duringthat time frame.
But when I had kids, that shithad sailed years earlier,
because you didn't need it.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
You already could.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
I was like when I say anybody had kids during that
time frame I think it was likethe early 80s During the 80s.
Speaker 2 (30:27):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
And you knew my mother.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
You were good.
Speaker 1 (30:31):
You were good.
You would never have to pay fora baby wife.
Back then, I think they hadjust come out with baby wives.
Baby wives are expensive,exactly so that was like the hot
thing Disposable.
You know there was disposablebaby wives and you know, I'm
telling you, that's just who shewas.
That's awesome.
That's just who she was andthat's what I admired about her.
(30:55):
Because she was so given toothers, it didn't matter, I
never met her because she was sogiven to others, it didn't
matter.
Speaker 2 (30:59):
I never met her, but I can see that in you, just how
you are, you pay attention todetails and it's not always out
in the front, but it's thenurturing piece that it comes
across in it.
Speaker 1 (31:19):
so I definitely see that that character, and that's
something that I was.
Obviously it wasn't in my gene.
I was taught that, yeah nowthere's a lot of things native.
Yes, there's a lot of, a lot ofthings that are in my genes
that I didn't realize untilafter I met my biological mother
(31:41):
.
That's why I do that.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
It's interesting you say that had an opportunity to
sit down with my first mom andagain, because I had not seen
her and we're just getting toknow each other and I'm just
sitting there, know each other,and I'm just sitting there
looking at her and I'm just likestuck looking at her face and
she said what baby?
And I said I'm, I just can'tstop looking at you.
(32:08):
And then we started doingsomething and she did something
and I was like whoa, and it waslike stuff that I do, and we
started talking about differentthings and we like Reese's Cups
and I was like that's my guiltypleasure, you know just little
things like that, yes, just likegrab on to.
But the mannerism was the hands,the sense of humor, the
(32:32):
bluntness.
I don't think I'm blunt likethat, but my kids say I am.
But as I'm having conversationswith her and we're starting to,
you know, just be moretransparent, I'm seeing like,
wow, here it is Not being in thepresence of her growing up.
Undeniably, that's a blueprintfor me.
(32:57):
You know that's.
That's a live blueprint.
That that's a live blueprintthat I'm sitting here looking at
.
It doesn't take away fromCarolyn, who raised me and
shaped it.
But that piece of clay thatCarolyn shaped came from mom.
You know what I'm saying.
You can't take that away.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
You can't take it away.
It's crazy because now with myand I keep saying biological I
said I'm going to start usingfirst family, first family.
First family.
When, like my niece, when Italked to her on the phone,
she's like, oh my gosh, yousound just like granny.
Gosh, you sound just likegranny.
(33:38):
I mean for me to have so manydifferent mannerisms and the
things that I do.
It's like this person that Ididn't know all that time.
We both enjoy doing solitairetogether.
I mean, I enjoy solitaire.
(33:58):
I do it on my phone all thetime.
It's a little thing about me,and that was one of her things.
Speaker 2 (34:06):
Share a funny story about mom.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Which one Either one you pick about my adoptive mom.
So growing up we lived in ahousehold.
My father was.
We grew up in holiness.
Speaker 2 (34:26):
Wait a minute.
You got to explain what thatmeans.
Everybody might not know.
Speaker 1 (34:29):
Everybody might not know.
So they were very holiness.
Is that?
You, you know you're reallystrict in the biblical words of
Old Testament.
You, you know you're reallystrict in the biblical words of
Old Testament.
So, you know, I couldn't go tothe movies.
I couldn't.
Did you have to wear a hat whenI was in church?
(34:51):
Skirt all the way down.
I didn't wear pants.
I you know all that stuff.
I technically couldn't go tothe prom, and that's the funny
thing.
So, skating any, all this stuffthat we couldn't do worldly, no
, none of that was somethingthat we could do.
(35:11):
You know, makeup, earrings, allthat.
But because of where my mom,well, how my mom was raised, she
again, she was from the WestIndies, so she was raised
Catholic.
So, you know, as far as youknow she, you know she switched
from being Catholic to being aChristian and once she got
(35:36):
married to my father okay, okay,right.
So the funny thing is is that'show he was raised, but she
wasn't raised that way.
So when certain things happenlet's say my prom she would like
tell him to like go to thegrocery store and I'll get
(35:56):
dressed and we'll take pictures,and you know and do the whole
store and I'll get dressed andwe'll take pictures and you know
and do the whole thing.
So he wasn't there, but I don'tthink he was that naive.
Speaker 2 (36:06):
I was about to say he didn't know, like when he came
back, what did you do?
I was gone already, oh okay.
And he didn't ask hey, where?
Speaker 1 (36:13):
is she?
No, yeah, I just think you know, and she would always do things
of that nature.
We would.
I would go skating.
So anytime that I was with mydad I had to wear a skirt.
I don't care if we went down tothe 7-Eleven, but in New Jersey
back then was Cumberland Farm.
(36:34):
Y'all know that.
For those who live in, NewJersey.
Speaker 2 (36:37):
That's the corner store.
Speaker 1 (36:38):
That's like a 7-Eleven.
Speaker 2 (36:39):
That's the bodega.
Speaker 1 (36:40):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (36:41):
I know the language.
Speaker 1 (36:43):
So we will go anywhere.
I would always have to weardresses, but with her for school
or playing outside, I can wearpants.
That was just a thing.
So I think what I enjoyed well,I guess because I was reaping
(37:04):
the benefits of it was how shewas trying to navigate around my
father and I just thought thatwas like the coolest thing to do
, because she would I'm thinkingshe's sneaking, right, you know
what I I'm saying.
So, from a child's perspective,I just thought it was cool how
she would, you know, and hewould go and he would leave and
(37:27):
he would take pictures.
My, my prom date came and youknow, all day too.
Oh my gosh could I have it?
Speaker 2 (37:36):
I'm not, I'm just saying no, no, think about it.
You paint a picture that you'resneaking to even go, you're
sneaking to take pictures.
So I just wasn't even.
I was thinking you just hurryup and get out.
Speaker 1 (37:46):
Oh, nah, nah, no, no, we didn't rush.
Speaker 2 (37:48):
Push the envelope.
Speaker 1 (37:49):
No, we didn't rush.
Speaker 2 (37:51):
Well, I guess because he went to go get my hair done.
Speaker 1 (38:00):
I went to Philly to get my hair done for the prom.
I drove to Philly to get myhair done.
He just never questionedanything, it just happened.
I just thought that was likewow.
Speaker 2 (38:17):
I have to believe that they had some type of
conversation?
Speaker 1 (38:20):
I think they did.
They had to, as as I'm an adult.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
Right.
Speaker 1 (38:25):
But then I just thought it was you just went
reaping the benefits.
I was just reaping the benefits, Got it From it all you know,
because that's what's who shewas.
Speaker 2 (38:36):
That's awesome.
Speaker 1 (38:41):
That's what's who she was.
That's awesome.
And then another thing I whatcracked me up was when she would
talk to my I know, my, myfamily's gonna be like really,
but it's true, you know theywould.
Her my aunt would be on thephone talking and really with
anybody, and I knew how she wasand she would the way.
She would just handle her onthe phone and then she'll get up
and just say you know what I'm?
(39:03):
I just told her that just soshe would get off my back.
And I thought that was thefunniest thing.
Because later on we had theconversation.
She was like, no, she would do.
I said I was on the other endof the line.
She would do.
I said I was on the other endof the line, so I know what
actually took place, right, butshe always had she can cuss you
(39:25):
out without using the cuss wordand you be like did I just get
cussed out?
Yeah, did she just cuss me out?
And then people's like what didshe?
Because she was from West Indy.
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Oh, okay, when she got upset.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
When she got upset, the dialogue was thick.
I didn't I.
She sounded American to me.
Because, I was there all thetime but people were like, wait
a minute, wait a minute, did she?
Just?
I thought those were comicaltimes.
But no one messed with her,especially when she had a knife
(40:06):
in her hand, because she wouldalways go don't play with me,
because she's always cooking, soshe was always cutting
something up.
So you never messed with herwhen she was in the kitchen.
Speaker 2 (40:16):
Gotcha.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
That?
Yeah, you didn't do that.
She always had a was in thekitchen, gotcha?
That mm-mm?
Yeah, you didn't do that.
She always had a knife in herhand, because she was always
cutting something up and shewould always talk like this Wow,
so play with her if you want to?
Yeah, don't play with her, butshe and all that again, she was
(40:41):
a giver, she was a giver, shewas a giver.
She gave whatever she had andshe was there for whomever.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
That's a life lesson.
Speaker 1 (40:55):
If I could be just an ounce of who she was.
I think you are, I think youhave.
I'm a better woman.
Speaker 2 (41:03):
But here I'm gonna take it a step further.
I'm gonna tell you why.
I know that you are because itis in your children, so it's
been passed down.
What she did you do modeled,and now your kids do it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I've seen them do it, youknow, so you don't have to
(41:27):
guess whether that's somethingthat you do.
You've done it, you still do it.
Speaker 1 (41:32):
Yeah, Well, thank you , I appreciate you seeing that
in me and and my and my children.
I appreciate that.
I appreciate you seeing that inme and in my children.
I appreciate that.
I appreciate the sapettes yeah,they're pretty special.
I agree, they're pretty special.
I tried.
So tell me this what do youmiss about your mom?
Speaker 2 (42:00):
What do you miss about your mom?
What do I miss?
No-transcript, and I say phoneconversations because when I got
older you know I would be hereand she would be in Richmond.
(42:27):
And our conversations, just likeanything else, evolved.
So me growing up, it started,like I said, sitting at the foot
of the bed and just gettinglife lessons and then, when I
got to college, it was herliving vicariously through me,
and it was so and again, nowreflecting back, she had the
(42:49):
gift of gab to be able to pullcertain things out, so she would
make it seem like she had noclue what was going on and she
was so excited to hear what Iwas doing and I was excited to
tell her.
And I was excited to tell her.
I'll never forget Janice and Istarted dating and I called and
(43:15):
said Mom, you know, I think Ifound somebody I'm interested in
and she was like well abouttime.
I said, well.
She said, well, tell me aboutit.
And I started telling her aboutit.
She was like, oh, okay.
And as I continued to talk, shewas like well, when do I get to
meet her?
And I said, well, I don't know.
This so happened.
(43:35):
She ended up meeting her thenext week.
We went on with the church, myaunt was giving her initial
sermon and after we met and shemet Janice, and then we talked
the next day, she said I likethat girl, you're going to be
all right.
And I said, well, I think I'm agood catch too.
(43:56):
She was like, yeah, well,that's not important.
She would have these ways ofhumbling you.
The other thing I miss abouther, and it's twofold, my mom
had these one-liners thesesayings that she got from the
South.
My mom was from a place calledMargaret Alabama.
Her dad was from Youngstown.
(44:19):
Okay, my mom was from Detroit.
Speaker 1 (44:21):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (44:22):
So she had the combination of just life.
So she would have these sayingsthat just in the moment it
didn't make any sense.
She would say if something wasgoing on and it didn't make
sense, she would say somethingin the milk ain't white.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
What did that mean?
Speaker 2 (44:41):
That means there's something wrong If you get milk.
Speaker 1 (44:45):
that's not white, you ain't going to drink it.
That's true.
She would say, and this Well,that's true.
Speaker 2 (44:49):
That's true.
You know, she would say, andthis was something that I
adopted and it sounds harsh andI heard her say it and it was so
I don't even know if I shouldsay it, but that's who she was.
And if you knew my mom, you'veheard her say that.
Hopefully she didn't say itabout you, but I'm gonna tell
(45:11):
you, people would like and mymom was giving, so she would
endure a lot.
But when she got to that point,when she had enough and she
would say you can get your assto jesus, because I'm through
with you I know that's right andthink about it.
It as an elementary school kidyou hear your mom say that it's
(45:31):
like, yeah, I don't know what itmeans, but yeah, sound good.
And she would say it and shewouldn't blink her eye and I
mean she just was like there's abook I don't know who has it
now, but just of Carolyn sayingMmm, yeah, it was a book.
Speaker 1 (45:51):
he had to be really done with you to say that, oh
what?
Speaker 2 (45:54):
done and I will say I heard her say it three times
and all three of thoseindividuals never dotted the
dough of 3000 glenn and driveagain.
She was adamant about it wowshe didn't play um, so she was
done done she was done, welldone wow, yeah, um, that's a
(46:23):
final statement.
Speaker 1 (46:24):
when it comes to that's a drop the mic man, what?
Speaker 2 (46:27):
How do you respond to ?
Speaker 1 (46:28):
that you can't, you don't grace that door ever again
.
Speaker 2 (46:33):
And my mom you know she grew up like I said.
She used to work for five hoursa day cleaning houses.
Okay, so her mindset was shedidn't grow up with a lot of
money.
So when she got to a point thatshe became an adult and, like I
said, she was self-employed andshe was making good money, so
she went to, we went on cruises,she went to London.
(46:55):
She had this jelly bean storythat she would tell and it was a
reflection of just her workingfor five hours a day.
She would work for thewell-to-do white folks.
She was worked for thewell-to-do white folks and she
said she was cleaning the houseone day and the lady had some
jelly beans my mom's cleaningand she saw them and the lady
(47:18):
was like you want some of thesejelly beans?
And my mom was like no, thankyou, you know, very humble, but
she said deep down she wantedthem.
So she said, you know, a weekwent by and the next week when
she came in, when she got readyto leave, the lady gave her a
little bag and said I want togive you these.
And I was like no, no, thankyou.
(47:39):
She says no, I saw you lookingup and I want to be a blessing
to you.
And she said that's where shefirst learned the blessing of
giving somebody something.
She said because that jellybean meant the world to her.
She said she didn't eat itbecause she couldn't afford to
get no other ones, but it helpedher understand that you know
(48:04):
what To do something nice forsomebody goes a long way, goes a
long way.
Speaker 1 (48:10):
You never want to take away someone else's
blessing.
Speaker 2 (48:13):
Right, right, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (48:15):
I did learn that from my mother.
When someone wants to bless you, don't say no, give it to them
because that's what they want todo as a blessing.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
So I'll tell you a memory that I have of my first
mom.
So it was my dad, my doctor.
Dad died in February of lastyear, so my birthday is February
24th.
That morning about five o'clock, I got a text from her.
(48:46):
Now, mind you, we hadn't talkeda whole lot, I had just met her
for the first time.
I didn't even realize I'd mether at the film.
But when I got the text it I'mnot going to say solidified all
of my questions, but I had thisfeeling of validation because
for 40 plus years I alwayswondered did she remember my
(49:08):
birthday?
Speaker 1 (49:08):
Because for 40 plus years.
I always wondered did sheremember my birthday?
Speaker 2 (49:10):
And I asked her and she said.
She said yeah, I did.
Speaker 1 (49:17):
But if you don't know , you just need.
I asked the same question.
Your mind fills in the blanks.
Speaker 2 (49:20):
Yeah, I asked the same question, you know, and
we're building even morememories now, but that was one
of the first ones that likereally humbled me and floored me
.
You know, I wish I was better,I would journal I'm not good at
that stuff.
Speaker 1 (49:35):
Yeah, me either.
And I'm like, oh, my goodness,and I know that my mom
remembered my birthday was likeyou did.
I asked and she said yes, andso I think the running joke with
my siblings are now like shechanged her password to my
birthday so they couldn't get in.
Well, you know they, they knewthat it was changed, you know,
(50:00):
because I think it, because mybrother was like the golden boy,
so everything was my brother,my brother, my brother, and.
But when I came on the scene,she changed the password to my
birthday and and I changed mypassword to her her her birthday
too.
Oh, how sweet.
Yes, yes.
(50:21):
And one of the most memorablethings I just thought about with
with my mom was you know, she,you know, she said she didn't
have a lot, and I'm like, well,I don't have nothing either.
So, we good, we good.
She said you know, I don't haveanything.
But I remember her actuallygiving me two things.
(50:44):
One was we took a trip to DCand during that trip we went to
the wax museum and people whoknow me know I love Whitney
Houston.
So I took a picture withWhitney Houston's wax figure and
(51:08):
on my birthday she framed it.
She framed it for me and sentit to me as a gift.
I was so touched.
That's the first thing she'sever given me.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
And the fact that you loved Whitney Houston as you do
.
Yes, that was huge, that was.
Speaker 1 (51:26):
That was huge.
Speaker 2 (51:27):
That was.
Speaker 1 (51:28):
And then the last thing that she gave me before
her passing was a necklace withmy initial and my birthstone in
it.
Awesome, but the WhitneyHouston.
I love the necklace, but theWhitney Houston was the one that
it's the little things.
It's the little things you know.
(51:48):
I didn't even expect for her todo that, but she thought of me
that much to do that, so thatwas really touching to me.
Speaker 2 (52:02):
So, as we're reflecting about our memories
from Mother's and Mother's Dayand First Mothers and first
mothers and second mothers, Iwant to take a moment to just
encourage everybody to one bemindful that tomorrow is not
promised, you know, don't putoff till tomorrow what you can
(52:26):
do today to tomorrow.
What you can do today, if youhave any opportunity for
reconciliation or to share orconnect, try Now.
There are scenarios andsituations that are beyond your
control.
I'm not saying to move heavenand earth, to do something
that's impossible, but I thinkthat, being on the other side,
(52:48):
we always say the hindsight is20-20.
Speaker 1 (52:50):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (52:51):
Being on this side.
You know we wish that we could.
You know, there will bepotentially a day where you're
going to say, man, I wish Icould have that meal one more
time.
I wish I could you know, havethat conversation or, you know,
go and see.
(53:12):
Those are gifts that I thinksometimes we take for granted in
the routines of life.
Yeah, because we feel like, oh,I ain't got to worry about that
, we put it to the side.
I just want to really encourage, especially this week, to
reflect on where you're at.
(53:33):
I'm not going to make it areligious thing, because I don't
know what your choice is, but Ibelieve that everything happens
for a reason.
I just think that sometimes wedon't take the time to recognize
what the reason is or evenaccept it, because we want to
put our own spin on it and ourown reasoning and selfishness.
(53:54):
Um, but it is a beautiful thingto have memories of a mother.
Um, I know some people don'thave positive memories, um, and
what I would say is I encourageyou to talk to somebody about it
.
Yeah, because it is.
(54:15):
It's tough to kind of balanceall your thoughts yourself.
Yeah, you know I'm an advocatefor counseling.
I've had to go to counseling asa result of my adopted mom
passing, because I just didn'tknow how to proceed.
I felt like I was in slowmotion and everybody in the
(54:36):
world was going fast forward, soI needed to hit the reset
button.
Even with my first mom comingback in, I had to learn how to
navigate that space.
Speaker 1 (54:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (54:51):
You know, like I said , I wanted everything to be fast
and then I wanted everybody tolook at the situation like I did
.
You know, I've been.
It's like a slingshot.
I've been waiting and I'm justready to go.
And even she had to remind mejust be sober, just be natural.
And then even with my daughters, they've seen the whole thing
(55:17):
play out, so they are very muchguarded and reserved, as well as
my wife.
The one thing that I think thatour community does not do well
is have discussions.
Speaker 1 (55:30):
Oh absolutely.
Speaker 2 (55:30):
Our communication, you know is, is lacking at times
.
So this week make a phone call.
It might not be to your mom,but it might be to a mother
figure, could be to an aunt.
Yeah, reach out and just letsomebody know the impact that
they've had on you, because theold saying goes, you know, give
(55:51):
people their flowers whilethey're here.
So we want to give andacknowledge.
That's what we wanted to dotoday Give flowers.
I want to give you your flowers, like I tried to just
communicate, like seeing you andthe impact you've had on my
family and my girls and thenyour kids or my girls.
(56:13):
I appreciate it, I'm thankfulfor it.
You know, and now understandingand knowing where it came from,
two generations prior to yes,so thank you for that.
Speaker 1 (56:23):
Well, thank you for sharing your daughters with me.
Speaker 2 (56:26):
Not a problem.
It takes a village, it takes avillage.
Speaker 1 (56:29):
It takes a village, I know.
I want to say that weappreciate our first mothers for
bringing us into the worldAbsolutely and we appreciate our
adoptive mothers for making uswho we are today.
Speaker 2 (56:47):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (56:47):
We wouldn't be who we are without either one of them.
We had to have both of them inour lives.
Speaker 2 (56:54):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (56:54):
And that's important, because who knows who we would
have been if we stayed with thefirst family?
We just don't know.
But like John said earlier, allthings happen for a reason in a
season.
So this was our.
(57:15):
Our path of where we went wasdestined for us to go in that
direction.
Speaker 2 (57:20):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (57:22):
Would we have loved to be in our adoptive family.
Who wouldn't?
Right, but I wouldn't changenothing for the family that I
was raised in.
I wouldn't, I just wouldn't.
Speaker 2 (57:49):
Yeah, I agree.
You know, my first mom has evensaid to me she was like her
prayer was that I was taken careof and loved, and she was able
to see that her prayer wasanswered.
So you know what else can youreally ask for.
So you know what else can youreally ask for.
Speaker 1 (58:12):
So and see, and this is why I didn't go to church on
Mother's Day.
Speaker 2 (58:17):
I'm sorry, sorry for pulling the bandaid, but
hopefully they are tears of joyand a safe space.
And, yeah, the thing I willshare, sometimes being
transparent, it gives otherpeople permission to be
vulnerable.
Here it is.
We don't know where this willland and who will see it and why
(58:41):
.
So, hopefully, our reflections.
We took a different turn thanwe normally do, but with
Mother's Day coming up, wewanted to, like I said, just
kind of share our hearts andgive some flowers.
Yes, there you go, thank you.
So again, we want to say happyMother's Day to all the mothers
(59:06):
out there.
All the mother figures me, mom,grandma, everybody.
Mother's Day to all the mothersout there.
All the mother figures me-moms,grandmas, aunties, everybody,
thank you.
Thank you for being a mother,for choosing to be a mother.
Speaker 1 (59:20):
Happy Mother's Day to all.
Speaker 2 (59:25):
I'm John.
Speaker 1 (59:26):
And I'm Lisa, and we are adopted.
Speaker 2 (59:29):
This was our Mother's Day episode.
Speaker 1 (59:32):
Until next time.
Speaker 2 (59:34):
Until the next episode.
Thank you for listening to theso I'm Adopted podcast.
We hope that this wasinformative and educational.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at so I'm Adopted.
Also, subscribe to our YouTubechannel so I'm Adopted.
(59:57):
And again, thank you forlistening and until next time,
make the choice to begin yourhealing journey.
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