January 29, 2024 • 64 mins
Have you ever pondered the intricate layers of identity that come with being adopted? Join us as we welcome a special guest to share in the heartfelt exploration of this profound journey, a path marked by discovery, acceptance, and a quest for a sense of self. Together with Lisa and John, we unravel the emotional tapestry that adoptees navigate, from the simplicity of a childhood revelation to the complexities of forming an adoptive identity and the lifelong impact it has on individuals and families.
This episode offers an earnest look into the poignant process of uncovering biological roots, and the delicate balance between curiosity and respect for the bonds of an adoptive family. Our guest brings humor and heartache to the conversation, recounting those late-night rituals with an adoptive mother, the challenge of insensitive comments, and the search for answers that leads to surprising discoveries and new family connections. The intimate accounts shared reveal not just the adoptee’s experience, but also the crucial support systems that provide guidance and reflection along the way.
We close with a candid discussion on the importance of personal closure, gratitude, and the strength found in the stories that shape our lives. Whether adoption touches your life personally, or you're seeking to understand its profound impact, this episode illuminates the powerful narratives that can define a life. Tune in for a conversation that promises to connect, enlighten, and perhaps even offer a sense of closure to those on their own adoption journey.
Music by Curtis Rodgers IG @itsjustcurtis
Produce and Edited by Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Lisa Sapp
Executive Producer Johnnie Underwood
Tell us your story or leave a comment by following us on
IG soimadoptedpod
FB so.i'm adopted
Youtube SO...I'M ADOPTED
Email soimadopted@gmail.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:11):
Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk
everything adoption.
This journey is not one we takealone.
Together we grapple with rawemotions that surface from
adoption stories.
We want you to be comfortableenough to heal, so sit back and
go with us on this journey as wedive deep into adoption.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
So welcome back to so I'm Adopted podcast.
This is our second episode.
I'm Lisa.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
John.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
And so we are adopted .
We wanted to again create aspace for adoption, truths to be
shared.
Even though we both have common, we share commonality, right
Commonality.
I kind of like hold that.
I don't know if that's a wordor not.
(01:11):
It is a word, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
It's a word tonight anyway.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
So we have that bond but our stories are totally
different and we just wanted togive a space to where we, as we
talk about our own stories.
We wanted people to hear ourconversation and eventually be
able to share their common youknow their stories as well.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
That's interesting because I even think about
initially we didn't know thateach other were adopted and had
this story I know, and it wasn'tuntil Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Until, actually, I found it that I was adopted.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
But even after you found out, I still didn't know.
I remember tightest because youdidn't make it like public,
public, true, true.
You know some tightest accountof share with me.
When you know Lisa is you needto talk to her and I was like
wow, and then that's when youknow that started and that was
we've known each other.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Who?
How long we've known each other?
17 years, yeah, 17 years, 17years, okay, 17.
I was going over 20.
20.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
But you know, this podcast is where we will hear
adoption truth, adoption truthsfrom adoptees, adoptive parents
and birth parents and families,the whole family, the whole
village.
I will also have input fromlicensed professionals such as
psychiatrists, psychology andsocial workers to get a deeper
understanding of the adoptionjourney.
(02:39):
I think these stories andperspectives will give hope,
understanding and courage tothose who are adopted or even
considering adoption, becausethere's so many different layers
to it.
And along with the journey ofacceptance, reconciliation and
maintenance of being adopted.
Those are the things that wedecided are pillars of the
(03:00):
journey.
Your journey may be different,but you have some level of
acceptance when you first findout.
Then the reconciliation, ofcoming to terms with the
adoption yes, you know that'snot even considering a
reconciliation with birth,family and things of that nature
.
There has to be somethinginternal within you that you
(03:22):
reconcile that.
You know, this is my truth,this is where I am.
And then, once you do that, themaintenance is when you bring
the other pieces of the puzzleto the table.
So that ultimately makes for aamazing journey.
I would curious.
I might do some research on anybooks, because I haven't really
looked at any books foradoption.
(03:42):
The whole time that I found outand when I started my journey,
you know who is telling thestory from a standpoint as an
adoptee, that it speaks to me.
What truths are out there inthe book world?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
They're out there.
There's quite a few out thereactually.
I can't think of them on top ofmy head, but they are out there
.
But I know that last week wetalked about when I found out.
Yeah, when did I know?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
And it was interesting is I've heard the
story, I know it, but as youwere telling it, it gave me deep
burn understanding and itpainted a different picture and
it was almost like I was walkingwith a camera behind you, given
that story.
So it really illuminated.
So I can only imagine those whoheard it for the first time how
(04:38):
they were able to envision thatjourney and the emotional ups
and downs or ups and flows too.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yes, yes, yes, but this week we're going to talk
about when did you know?
Because you gave us a littlenugget last week.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I did.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
You said that you were a child at the time.
I was.
So I have a lot of questions,because, as a child, how do you
reconcile that in your head?
So, john, tell me, when did youknow?
Speaker 1 (05:12):
So I remember being outside.
We grew up in that age when weplayed football in the street,
right Right.
So we were outside playingfootball and normally we would
drink out the water hose or wecould go to the various houses
in the neighborhood, because wehad those community houses and
somebody had popsicles for us.
(05:33):
Wait, pause for a second.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I got to get comfortable.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
We had that one neighbor.
His mom had popsicles for us,somebody's family.
They had beer for us eventhough we were young, because
that's what they did.
They would give us a champagneof beers because we'd be outside
.
Now, mind you, they didn'tstart doing that until we got
older, but that's just theculture of the neighborhood.
It was that village.
So we're outside playingfootball in the street and I had
(06:01):
to go in the house and use therestaurant and I don't know what
the conversation was and Inever really asked after the
fact.
Why that moment?
But everything happens for areason.
So I went inside and my momsaid come here, john.
And I said hey, what's up, mom?
She said that I'm going to tellyou something.
She says you're adopted.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
And just like that.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Just like that.
She was sitting in the kitchen.
It was her, my dad and I don'teven.
It was some other people there,I do not remember who, and I
was like okay, and went outside,went right back outside, and I
want to say I probably was,maybe seven.
I was real young.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
So they just called you in.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Well, no, they didn't call me and.
I just happened to come in thehouse so I'm not sure if they
were having discussions.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Probably were.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Maybe somebody was like you might want to tell,
because they do it.
Next one.
And my mom dropped it and, likeshe kept cutting cord, I was
like, okay, I'm going backoutside.
And I remember after wefinished playing, you know, I
told my partners office like yo,I'm adopted man, what does that
mean?
(07:17):
And the first response was youlying.
I was like I'm not, we go ask.
She just told me that's whatthey told me.
So then that's when thequestion started for me and it
was okay, wait a minute, whatdoes this mean?
So, balancing of what I shouldhave did was go back in the
(07:41):
house and have the discussion.
I'm politicking and talking tonine and 10 year olds.
So that tells you right there,everything that I got wrong,
totally wrong.
We had no, and I'm going totell you how I know it was a bad
conversation because I don'tremember anything about it.
So that tells me that it wasnot positive.
(08:03):
So I remember going back in thehouse afraid to ask, because
now I had this information thatwas dropped on me, not in a
negative manner.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
I didn't know what to do with it.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
And as a seven year old you have no clue of how to
process this.
But then I think about withthat generation as well, because
when my parents adopted me theywere older In those generations
.
Certain stuff you just didn'ttalk about, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
You, just like you said last,week you know you?
(08:40):
just they didn't have those softskills to talk about stuff.
So as time went on, I rememberI would ask little questions
here and there and I would sayso, I'm adopted, what does that
mean?
And I remember my mom said well, I couldn't have kids and
somebody else gave birth to you,and then me and your father
(09:04):
adopted you.
And I would ask that samequestion and I would get the
exact same answer, because thatwas a safe question, right?
You mean I didn't want to pushthe envelope.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
At least you had to sit down on that question, right
?
I had that question in there.
I didn't have it.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
And so that was the initial and I always grew up
understanding it.
So then my question evolved toso does everybody know?
And she said yes.
So I would start asking mycousins did you know?
And of course my cousins theyknew, but they didn't really
(09:42):
understand because I was part ofthe family.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
So when did how long after they dropped the bomb on
you with no chaser, Did you askthe first time?
What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (09:55):
So probably was that next day Because, like I said,
when I came back in the house Iwas scared, I didn't know what
to say.
And I remember and it'sinteresting it's coming to me
now I don't my dad was in thefamily room watching TV and I
went in the bathroom and I wasplaying with the water and it
(10:19):
was.
We had an additional in thehouse, on the house, so the
bathroom door was wooden and I'mjust in the bathroom playing
with the water and I remember Iwould put my thumb under the
spigot, cut the water on it, thewater would shoot out and at
seven years old you don't reallyunderstand that that water has
to fall somewhere.
So, the door was wet and I guessmy mom heard the water or saw
(10:45):
it running under the door andshe opened the door and she like
lost it.
What are you doing?
And my dad said no, no, no,yeah.
And I don't know if that was aoutward cry of you know,
deviance, now me being in mentalhealth, understanding that
every behavior has a functionbehind it.
(11:05):
So I don't know if he viewed itas let me help him out before
it becomes something that itshouldn't be.
And then I remember, after thatpivotal point, discussions were
a little more pinpoint, not thatI really got all of the
information because it was stilla tender subject, but that
(11:26):
probably was one of the moreimportant or meaningful times of
my dad like pulled me to theside at a young age and was like
listen, it's OK and I'm no cluebecause I'm just in there
playing with the water, right,right.
But now, like I said, from amental health lens, it could
have sent a signal off for him.
(11:48):
So now discussions are startingto become a little more
frequent, because I'm asking atthis point and I said well, when
did you all adopt me?
And my mom said you were things.
She said like a couple of daysI was that I had to go to an
orphanage.
When I was first born I was theonly boy in the orphanage.
(12:12):
She had a picture of me.
You know, first born.
You know they take the nakedpicture of you know that stuff.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Oh, you had yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I had pictures of everything, so yeah, yeah.
So then I asked I said well,when did you, you know, when did
you get me to tell me about it?
She says, well, we had to gothrough the application.
People would come to the house,interview us.
They interviewed the neighbors.
So I said so, everybody on thestreet knows I'm adopted again
Seven year old, mine.
And she said, yeah, they wantedto know who we were, if we were
(12:44):
good people.
I said well, where did you pickme up from?
She said she didn't tell me.
She said we picked you up fromthe orphanage.
She never told me where it wasat.
So she said we picked you up Me, your dad, your uncle Phillip
and your uncle.
We drove down and your cousinDion.
So me and Dion grew up likebrothers.
(13:05):
He's four years older than meand he was so excited to have a
cousin.
But it was interesting becausemy uncle Phillip is dark skinned
and my aunt Faye is lightskinned.
So there are pictures of myuncle Phillip holding me when
they would leave out justbecause the four of them were
always together, and my mom saidthe running joke was who that
(13:27):
dark skinned man?
Thank you for that lightskinned man, because it was a
significant difference, becausethey would take me everywhere
because my mom was self employedso they would keep me Right.
So she talked about how todrive back and I was cool in and
just she fell in love with mefrom that moment and I said,
(13:49):
well, I never asked her how muchwas it, did it cost?
Like I didn't have that conceptto think about it.
But she would just talk aboutall of the interviews that they
had to do.
They came and looked at thebills to make sure that it was
paying their bills and they cameto the house and looked at the
house and made sure it was asafe space.
And they went to her job andinterviewed her managers and
(14:12):
things of that nature.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Oh, she gave me all that.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
She gave me all that on that side of the coin.
So her comment as I got alittle bit older and we continue
the discussion.
She says I wanted you to knowbecause I did not want you to
find out in a negative way.
So I was like what do you meannegative way?
(14:35):
She says I don't want you to bearound the family because you
know everybody got that on it.
They get to drinking, spill thebeans.
All the truth come out, rightSecrets, and all the secrets,
all the secrets come out.
She says I did not want you toresent me because I never told
you.
I said really.
(14:55):
I said you think somebody won'ttell me.
She says I had to cuss out oneof my aunts because she got
drunk and she made the commentyou can get out of here.
You in that white baby youadopted.
And my mom said some choicewords that won the whole lot of
Jesus and I was just moreexcited to have my mama cuss in
(15:16):
a controlled environment.
That I got excited about.
I was like you said that forreal.
She was like, yeah, y'all saidit.
And I was like, ok.
So as time went on and Icontinue to, now I'm in middle
school and I'm with other peopleand I'm recognizing that, yeah,
(15:37):
this is my family.
Everybody knows I'm adopted,but I favored my mom.
And they didn't treat me anydifferently and I'll never
forget, probably about eighthgrade.
Seventh to eighth grade, afriend of mine their parents
separated and it floored us inthe neighborhood because all of
(16:01):
us had two parent householdsexcept for one whose father had
passed away.
So it was foreign, it'sdifferent, and it began me
looking at family dynamics.
So then my question was well, Iwonder if, wherever I was
(16:21):
pulled out from, if they have adifferent family, if they have X
, Y or Z?
So again middle school, youstart going through the various
thoughts, but you're alsodealing with puberty, You're
also dealing with trying to fitin, so you kind of suppress that
and tuck it away.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
So, before you got to middle school, how did you feel
?
Can you remember how you felt?
Or did you felt like you wereasking me that I feel like was I
ashamed, or did you feel thatall of a sudden, you felt
different than all your otherfriends?
Speaker 1 (17:03):
So, to answer that one, I didn't have a guilt and I
think, because it was talkedabout in a manner that was so
positive and embracing and somatter of fact, that it wasn't
like a taboo shame we're notgoing to talk about it it was
(17:23):
just like this is what it is, soit was an acceptance.
That's how she presented it tome and I think about it.
I don't think my dad never evenreally said anything.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Yeah, they didn't normally talk.
The father's normally talk.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
He's going back now.
Later on we had discussions butgrowing up my mom was the one
that and her and I we talked allthe time.
We just had that connectionwhere at night she would have
her green section, roll her hair, smoke her a cigarette and
drink her some bourbon.
(17:58):
That was her thing.
Every night we used to watchJohnny Carson, quincy and all
that and I would just lay at thefoot of the bed and we would
talk.
So that was just a culture.
So I didn't have a shame.
My feeling was this is myfamily.
To be honest, I really feltspecial because they didn't give
(18:24):
birth to me but they loved mein spite of them.
And unless I brought it up, itwasn't thrown in my face that I
was adopted.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
So it wasn't a negative thing in any manner and
I'll never forget I don't knowhow it came up.
At school One of the guys madethe comment about you adopted
something.
He tried to make it a negativeand that was when I was learning
(18:54):
the gift of gab and I had theability to articulate jokes to
hurt your feelings and need it.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
You got to be quick on your feet.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
You got to be quick on your feet.
And again, I don't rememberexactly what I said, but all
that everybody in class was like, oh, and we ended up fighting.
It was bad, but it was thatprotection of my space and I
went for the juggler.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
So it's always been.
I've always understood andknown it.
So then, as I got to highschool and got a little older, I
started to question well, wheredo I come from?
Because we never had that sideof the conversation and I will
never forget the first time Iasked my mom that question.
(19:44):
Her response was the file isclosed and you can't open it.
Point blank, period, pointblank.
I was like whoa, I've neverseen that side of you before.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Because that's when it starts to become personal to
the mother.
There you go, the replacementfactor, the replacement factor
and that's why, in my situation,she never told us, because of
exactly what you just said.
So, I.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I picked up on that.
And then my head now again highschool.
You know I'm aware of life,right, but not totally aware,
because if I was totally aware Iwould have come to the
understanding that it's my rightto know.
That's my thinking brain, myemotional brain was I don't
(20:41):
wanna hurt her Cause.
I see the hurt that thisquestion brought up.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
So you know, every now and again in conversations I
would ask certain questions andyou know what do you do?
You know what do you think?
Do I have any siblings?
And as time went on herresponse softened, but it was
still difficult and I told her Isaid listen, I won't, I'm not
(21:11):
gonna pursue, I'm not laughingat that, really, out of respect
for her cause, I didn't want herto go through that hurt.
Oh, I get it I understand, youknow, I did not want that.
It wasn't worth it to me inthat moment to damage what I had
, what I knew was consistent,for something that I didn't know
, Cause I had no clue, Right.
(21:32):
You know, as I got older, meand my dad talked and I said,
you know, I would drop a littleheads of you.
You ever wondered where I camefrom and like if my parents are
this or that.
So then he said to me he sayswell, I know your dad played
music, he had a lot of music,and I know that your mom was
(21:57):
young, but she was very, I thinkhe said, gifted.
You know, with regards to I'mthinking from an art standpoint,
I later found out that giftedwas just, she had a brilliant
mind for that age and justcertain things, and I'll share
(22:18):
that on the other side.
But you know, that was thefirst time that he gave more
knowledge and I'm thinking okay,well, dude, you holding on.
So then he, his conversationwith me, started to be a little
more evolved and I said well,dad, you know you ever wanna
(22:39):
know.
He was like yeah, I wanna knowtoo, but there's only when you
ready that he put it back on me.
I said okay.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
So Because you know he's getting your mama too.
Oh, absolutely Y'all bothgetting your mama Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
And you know he was short anyways and he ain't not
that smooth.
She helped dad.
She helped dad, told you shedrank bourbon every night.
She was ready.
I understand.
So I do remember the, my highschool graduation, my college
graduation, in the excitement ofeverything, and my 18th and
(23:15):
21st birthday those four timesmore pronounced I had a I'm not
gonna say a sadness, but aconcern or a statement of.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
I wonder if you know the birthdays, if they, if she
knows that this is my birthdayor has she moved on?
Speaker 1 (23:38):
does she know that I graduated Right?
You know?
Would she be?
I wanna.
Would she be proud of thosetype of things, mm-hmm.
So.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Did they even remember your birthday?
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Right, that's a huge one that's a huge one On
mother's day, you know.
Did she or even did she have anyother kids?
Was I the only one?
All of these questions are justgoing everywhere.
So we get to Janice and I wereexpecting Jailer, right and we
(24:18):
go to fill out the paperwork atthe doctor's office and he asks
me family history and I feltashamed at that point.
It's the only time I feltashamed Really, and I felt
ashamed because I couldn'tanswer the question.
Right as I'm about to enterfatherhood, I'm inadequate
because I don't know.
(24:39):
I know, you know, yeah, theonly thing I knew was I had sick
or cell traits.
But they're asking all theseother things and I'm, like you,
already wrestling when you'reabout to go down to fatherhood
or break a journey, right, right, and you start off where you
cannot answer the question.
And it bothered me.
It bothered me so much that,when we got home, janice said
we're going to start the processto find your parents and I was,
(25:04):
as an adult, still scared of mymom and I said, janice, we
can't do it.
Yeah, she says no, it's yourright, we can do it, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
I was like no, no, no , no, no, no, no, no.
She don't understand, you don'tunderstand, Trust me that ain't
what we want to do?
You don't want to go down thatpath Right.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
So my wife being my wife, she got the information of
you know where I was, theagency and once we got the
agency.
We just sat on the informationCause I still was like nope, not
doing it.
Because I remember that firsttime and I remember the
(25:44):
conversations and that was moreimportant to me in that moment
than me finding out theinformation for my journey,
right, wrong or indifferent.
That's just where I was at.
Right, that's just where I wasat.
Yeah, so you know, we haveJaila, and I'm still not able to
answer questions and I have tochange the language and say I'm
(26:05):
adopted.
I don't know my family is, andthat was a safe, empowering
statement for me to say you know, we had Jaila, everything's
wonderful.
Then we have Jordan and I'm alittle more equipped this time
for the journey.
So, 2013, the mother passes awayand we went to a family reunion
(26:28):
in Alabama.
So we ride through MargaretAlabama is where she was from in
Alabama, birmingham and thewhole nine.
And as we're leaving out, Isaid well, dad, I got a question
for you.
I said I want to find myadopted parents.
Are you okay with it?
(26:49):
I said, because I know mom wasnot okay with it and I'm going
to give you that same respectthat I gave her.
He said hell, I want to go too.
The way for you to saysomething and I'm like, okay,
I'm like dude, you could havebeen saying something, man, but
(27:12):
it was that he was wanting to bemy decision.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
So once I got the green light I put Janice on it
and we reached out and was ableto find, like I said, the agency
was Catholic Charities.
And then we found out I wasadopted in Hampton Roads.
So then that opened up.
So we should hear do they knowme?
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Do they go to Ivy Like what's going on?
I'm still in the grocery store.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
I'm looking at people like they look like me, they
got my ears, they got you godown this huge rabbit hole
because you just want some typeof connection.
Because, yeah, I had thatfamily dynamic.
I had the love I wasn't lacking.
But it's something about yourblood.
Rather than when Jailer wasborn, it touched me in a manner
(28:07):
that to hold and to see my firstknown blood, rather than what
role did it play?
I sat there and I wept like ababy, and even Jailer would tell
you the story.
I let her know, like you weremy first blood brother that I
met.
That's a badge of honor for her.
We got that type of connection.
(28:27):
So, boom, we get the informationand we run into roadblocks
because the Catholic agency Imean the Catholic Charities was
on Aberdeen and Hampton hadclosed.
So all the files got sent toRichmond.
So now it's just like you gottago.
(28:47):
This organization is holding itin.
You don't know.
So it's like, do you paysomebody to do this?
What do you do?
You just don't know and Ididn't know where to go.
So I'm just like, okay.
So we reached out, sent anemail, and I think we reached
out to somebody that had gonethrough the process and they
(29:10):
said, well, talk to socialservice.
I was like, okay, that I thinkhit a roadblock, so then talk to
somebody else.
And they were like well, if youknow, catholic Charities was
the one send an email to them,let them know that you were an
adoptee through them and youwanna start the process of
(29:32):
finding your file.
Sounds very simple, soundslogical, but when you don't know
, you don't know.
So we send the email and abouta week later we get a response
back.
You have a case manager.
That's pretty good.
A week it was a week when thelaw turned around wrong.
Yeah, that's very good.
(29:53):
And then now, from the time wegot the case manager until she
called back with the file,probably was about probably four
months.
That's too good.
About four or five months,that's good.
And I'll never forget her officewas right up the street from
(30:14):
where I worked at in Dempe.
Oh, really, because when shecalled she said Mr Underwood, I
do have your file.
It's what do they call it?
It has non-identifiedinformation, but I have a file
for you.
So I'm like, okay, I like,where can I meet you?
She says, well, I'm not at theoriginal office, I'm in Denby,
(30:40):
I'm working in Denby, where areyou at?
She gave me the address, rightup the street.
I said what time I can be there.
I went up there and I'm walkingin nervous.
My hands are sweating.
I don't know what I'm going tofind.
It's like that treasure.
So I go in and she says I'venever seen a file like this.
So automatically I go to thenegative like oh, okay, and no
(31:01):
father's about this thick.
Wow, that's amazing.
And the police worker that wasassigned took weekly notes
throughout the whole journey.
And the social worker saidlisten, I've reached out.
She said there's a maternalgrandmother that I've spoken to.
There's a maternal aunt thatI've spoken to.
(31:24):
Two of them I've sent lettersto grandmother, aunt and mother.
She says I have to respect whatmother says, because that's who
is in charge of all of this.
I said okay.
And she said the file has notidentified any information, but
(31:46):
it's yours.
She's asked for you not toreach out.
She said she's not saying never, but not right now.
I said okay, I just want to seewhat's in the file.
And it's that hope.
And for a split second therewas a all these years.
(32:07):
And now that I'm like found you, you want to deny me again.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Right, Because I was going to ask you how did you
feel at that very moment whenshe said that to you Right.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
So the excitement of this whole opportunity a little
bit of the air was let out inthe blue.
It didn't deter me because Istill wanted to know, right, and
I remember the social workersaying she had talked in depth
to the aunt and they wanted toreach out.
But even the paternalgrandmother said it's what the
(32:40):
mother wants.
So I get home and I got thefile Janice is not there yet.
I said listen, I got the file.
She was like have you read it?
I was like I can't read it, Idon't know what to do with it, I
don't know.
So we sat in the bed when shegot home and we read it and I
remember being so empowered as Iread it because subconsciously
(33:06):
it answered the question ofyou're not a mistake, you have a
story.
You know what led up to that?
It validated the unknown.
When you walk as a and I can'tspeak for everybody on it for me
, even though I was loved, eventhough there wasn't lag, there's
still this unknown, there'sthis you know these parentheses
(33:29):
that have nothing in it, that attimes, depending on your
situation, you feel with otherstuff.
But now I've got concreteinformation, you know, and I had
told myself well, even if Idon't give anything else, I'm
fine with this.
Were you really?
No, okay, I wanted more, but Iwas preparing myself if this was
(33:52):
all I got.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Trying to be proactive in the language.
So we go through it and we'reonline looking because we found
out the location and Emporia andall these things.
And we're Googling and lookingbecause we said something about
you know the town and all thesedifferent information.
We're trying to Google it.
Like I said, they had blackedout the identifying information.
(34:17):
So, mind you, it's like maybe11 o'clock at night.
Janice got home at four.
So the whole time we wentthrough the file and she's very
sober, like okay, how are youfeeling?
Are you overwhelmed?
And just trying to make surethat my mental space is positive
.
So something in Janice was likewait a minute, she takes the
(34:41):
paper and put it up to the light.
And she was like, okay, there'sthe name.
Oh, wow.
And we just went.
It was me, her and her bestfriend growing up on the phone,
because she's like Janice'sentire private eye.
Yes, and you know, sean is likethis will be due in a history
(35:03):
machine and she's gonna find allthe clues and put it together.
Sean is the writer now.
So we start looking and we seethe names and we start Googling
and we go to Facebook.
Of course everybody's on socialmedia, right, and I'm like,
okay, so at this age.
If she was 14, then she's atthis age.
So maybe she's in the socialmedia, maybe she's not.
(35:24):
And we start looking.
And then we found her name, themaiden name.
So we started looking and thenwe found on social media a guy's
profile and we were like thiscould be a son.
He's younger than me.
And we were like it's oneo'clock in the morning, we're
(35:47):
going to bed Because I had juststarted a new job.
This is 2018.
I'm like hell.
I gotta go to bed because Igotta go to work tomorrow.
Two hours later, sean callsback.
She says I found her.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
She didn't go to bed.
Y'all went to bed.
She didn't go to bed.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
She says I found her, she laid down, I don't know how
she did it, wow.
And she had sent a message tomy brothers.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
Why.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
She sent a message through messenger and was like
listen, I'm not crazy.
You know, at times my start outwith that.
She said I'm not crazy, this iswho I am, but the reason I'm
writing is because my brotherhas just found his file from his
adoption and we think that youall are connected.
So my brother that's a yearyounger than me, or 18 months.
(36:44):
He responded and said listen.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
I just got off work, I'm sorry.
Pause for one moment.
Good, so how old was yourmother when she gave birth to
you?
She was 15.
15.
She was 15 when she was 15.
And then, how old is yourbrother younger than you?
18 months.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Okay, All right.
So my brother about later wasafter she had me.
She went back to school and mether husband.
Oh, okay, so she met herhusband and she was a young
brother.
She was a young brother andthey the other.
(37:23):
Ever since, they have had threemore kids.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Wow, yeah, it's interesting that that didn't
deter her from moving forward infinding someone and getting
married or anything, andconsidering all that's pretty
good.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
So my younger brother .
He says I just got off work,give me a moment to process.
And now that I know him, Itotally see that she had also
sent a message to my otherbrother.
His response wasn't as positive, or?
Polished, oh really, and howmany years so he is?
(38:08):
I think One, two, three, 13years between us.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
So he's the baby.
So he's the baby.
His response was who the hellis this?
How do you know about my family?
He went in protection modeRight, right, and now that I
know him, I understand.
It makes sense.
So, the interesting part youknow social media, you look to
see who's connected with who,which he did the same thing and,
(38:42):
again, like I said, the brotheris right under me, that's a
year younger, he went to sleep,he slept on it.
But the other one started tobecome social media of who I was
.
So we found one person that wasconnected, who used to work
with Janice and Hampton HighSchool.
Now, mind you, this is I wentto work and I came back home and
(39:05):
Janice was like, look, I foundthis one person.
I said give him a call, see ifyou know him.
Sean has told us about theresponse from both brothers.
So we got traction the wholetime.
I'm like yo, I don't want tolike I don't know what to do.
Did they know about you?
So we'll get to that.
(39:26):
Okay, we'll get to that.
As we are looking on Facebook,I get a call from the social
worker.
The social worker says MrUnderwood, what have you done?
Speaker 2 (39:38):
I'm like what?
I ain't doing nothing.
I'm like I don't know whatyou're talking about.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
I went to work.
What are you talking about?
So she said I got a call fromyour paternal grandmother, I
mean your paternal mother.
She's like going to seek alawyer.
I'm slight who.
She's suing Me, or you Like?
Sorry for you, lady, I don'tknow what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
She's going to put a gag word around you, season to
season, right, big time, bigtime she said I told you all I
was not so.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Once I heard that interestingly enough it was
parallel to what Carlin'sresponse was when I wanted to
find so my whole mentalityshifted.
Now my whole mentality was I'llentertain this, but I don't
want to do anything to rock theboat because it will mess up any
chance that I may have.
So Janice and I hadconversations.
(40:39):
I was like look, don't messthis up, because y'all want to
go down this rabbit hole Exactly.
So we reach out to the friendthat worked with her at Hampton
High and she says hey, you know,I just want to talk to you
about I got a situation and it'sgoing to sound crazy, but we
just found John's file.
(41:00):
He was adopted, oh okay, and wethink that you're connected
with one of the family members,the brother, he said oh what's
the name?
And when she told him the name,he said yeah, I know them.
Those were my neighbors growingup.
Oh, wow, what.
And he said I can take you tothe house right now, great
(41:22):
people.
And he said, now to think aboutit, john looks just like her.
So I'm crying hearing this,because now I got an image Right
.
He says we've gone on vacationstogether.
He says, yeah, I know thefamily, so I'm like who is that?
(41:42):
Give me?
Speaker 2 (41:43):
you know just that, give me, give me, give me, give
me, give me all these answers.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
So at that point, my brother, the youngest brother,
have reached out to the sameperson, because the guy said he
reached out to me earlier and Iwasn't able to talk to him.
So Janet said when you call himback, tell him you know who we
(42:07):
are and I don't know.
We not crazy.
So he said I will.
He said I definitely will.
He said my fact.
Let me call him now so you knowthey had their dialogue about
who I was and he shared with him.
He's like I worked with hiswife, I've been in his class
where he teaches you know achurch, great family, you want
(42:27):
to get to know them, greatfamily.
So at this point my brotherthat's a year younger, he says
he reaches the back out.
He says, hey, you know we needto talk, something like Okay, so
we talked.
He's like what's up, man?
Hey, you don't know what to sayin that situation trust me, I
(42:51):
know.
So as we began to talk, he said.
He said, man, you know, I'veI've known For a while and he's
to share with me how he foundout.
Okay, so he went to NorthCarolina A&T play football.
You know he said he came homefor a while and he just happened
to be here at the Hunt's house.
(43:11):
You know I dropped the bomb andAunt was like you know you got
a brother.
He's like yeah, I know I got abrother, I see him all the time.
Oh, you got another brotherthat's older than you.
He was like well, what, I wasshut up and he said he thought
about it and he said, grandma,when he went, I Got another
(43:32):
brother.
Go talk to your mom.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
You know.
So that started that discussion.
So so he knew for a while.
He knew, you know the youngerbrother had heard but didn't
know.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Mmm.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
My sister didn't find out.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
So you have a sister, how old?
Is she?
Speaker 1 (43:55):
She's 24, 25 and she just found out in 2019.
Wow, right, so it.
And again, I can imagineFinding out at that age like who
was this guy?
Right?
Never been a part of our thingExactly.
And you know, I'm at a pointwhere I I guess I have respect
(44:18):
for everybody's feelings in itand I guess in hindsight one
could say that now I'm entitledto my feelings.
You are, but I recognize it'snot just about me.
All of us have a piece to playin it.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (44:35):
And I think from a young age, seeing how it
impacted my mom when I would askabout it.
I Don't want to be the one toinvoke that hurt on others.
Yeah, so when you know, mybrothers told my sister Nate,
whatever their motivation was,it wasn't positive, you know,
(44:57):
and it so you.
I still have another you stillhave.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Oh, you have a met your sister and your mother
didn't tell your sister.
Your brother told your sister.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Yeah, so you know, it's like once you put the
toothpaste out the tube, youcan't put it back in.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
But does she?
Does she want to know you?
Speaker 1 (45:19):
I don't know.
Well, you know, I haven't hadthat discussion, I haven't had
that dynamic with her.
It's more of a point of IWanted to have a conversation
and get to know biological momgot it from the beginning I
Didn't know.
I didn't even know I had asister.
I know I had a brother and it'stime with on my brother's, like
(45:40):
, yeah, you know, you gotanother brother and a sister.
And I was like, oh, okay,gotcha.
So I met the.
Which one did I meet?
First been the year youngerbrother.
We would talk all the time.
But then the younger brother,he and I talked and we met and
(46:05):
we went out to district 41.
It was so crazy because Janiceand the girls were in the car
and I was like, who can I callit?
Be in the parking lot, just incase, because he had already
popped off.
No, I don't know right.
So I had some some folks outposted around me when the safe
space.
The bartender was a good friendof mine.
(46:25):
Okay, I let her know.
Look, this one's gonna do Don'tknow, for she's like.
I got everybody and we talkedand he explained his side from a
protection standpoint which Itotally understood and respected
, right, and I told him.
I said, look, man, I don't, I'mnot coming for anything, I'm
just just want to know.
And I said I would askquestions about biological mom
(46:50):
and His thing was that's on her.
When she's ready to do it.
She'll do, but she's not gonnastop me from having a
relationship, right.
So I appreciated that.
And then there was a aunt whowas 11.
She's only 11 years older thanme, so she remembers when
(47:11):
biological mom came to HamptonRose to have me and the whole,
and she reached out to methrough ancestry calm because I
was like I'm not gettinganywhere here, right, let me do
this.
Yeah, we connected and wetalked and she said she said I
have been praying for thisopportunity.
So I was like, wow, againlittle bits and pieces of the
(47:35):
story, yeah.
And I ended up meeting herProbably six or seven months
after I got the file got you, soI'm sure she was able to Give
shed light on quite a bit.
Oh, she dropped all, all she oh.
Speaker 2 (47:55):
She held on back nothing, oh, okay.
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Nothing.
So, you know, ask her.
I'd be like, hey, so this, isyou like no baby.
That ain't what.
This is what happened.
I was like, oh okay, oh wow.
And again I had to recognize,all right, is Biological mom
gonna be upset cuz I'm talkingto her, mm-hmm, but then that's
my right to talk to her.
I don't know how to operate inthis space, right?
(48:19):
So she said I'm coming down toyour church.
So her and her daughter thatcame down the church and we went
out to eat.
And again it's that Opportunityto connect to something and it's
like, oh my god, that's blood,right that's really your family,
and you know Janice being verycautious, she was like, listen,
we don't know them, we just gotto make sure and be sober in
(48:42):
this and I'm like we know thatwhatever, whatever.
Exactly you know, and it theblessing was that they were a
good character and so you know.
So it was positive.
And come to find out where myaunt lived was close to my
cousin who I grew up with.
That Like we grew up likebrothers, yes, yes my cousin's
(49:05):
son and and her nephew went tohigh school together, so it's a
lot of connections.
As I'm talking to my brother,he and I played against each
other in high school.
Wow, because we will go up andscrimmage that high school and
we again.
It's really yeah.
Speaker 2 (49:23):
Can you imagine it?
You guys probably check thisout.
Speaker 1 (49:25):
Biological mom worked in Richmond at Blue Cross, blue
Shield, so now I'm like so didshe know who I was and why?
Speaker 2 (49:34):
not now.
She didn't watch me the wholetime, right.
Speaker 1 (49:38):
So that whole dynamic of just peeling back the layers
is, it's not challenging, it ishumbling.
Yeah it's humbling.
So Fast forward.
I've met both my brothers.
Janice, you know, as metal, thegirls haven't met them, but
(50:01):
they know I talked to them.
We talk on the phone, you know.
We established a positiverelationship.
I met her, I talked to her.
Still haven't talked to they.
Come to find out.
One of my mom's good friendswent to school and grew up with
biological mom.
Hmm, so again, social media.
(50:22):
I'm like cuz, I know, now knowbiological mom's name, mm-hmm.
So I was like hey, got aquestion.
She's like what you need baby?
I said you know I was adopted,right?
She's like yeah, I said I thinkyou went to school with my
biological mom.
She said who?
And when I told her she waslike oh, I do know them.
Yes, oh, wow.
(50:43):
And I was like I said listen.
I said she doesn't want to beInvolved and I said so I'm not
asking you to go talk to her.
I said that's not what I want.
I said I'm just trying to getjust basic information.
She was like okay, okay,anything I can do to help, just
let me know.
So it's been these Safeguardsor these catalysts at different
(51:04):
times to help.
So I was bold, like I'm gonnaset a friend request on social
media to biological mom I.
But I wouldn't do it, well, cuzI, you know, she was like no,
don't do it.
I was like, okay.
(51:24):
So this year, as a matter offact, my father begins to take a
turn and I'm just likeemotionally everywhere and I was
like you know what?
Screw it center for me.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
But hold on, we don't want to really get into that
part yet.
Speaker 1 (51:47):
I'm not gonna get into that part, but what I'm
saying is and we talk about thereveal piece, because now In my
conversations I still got thebig Joker that I've somewhat put
out there.
Okay, like she hasn't revealed,you know, except for anything
like that.
But I'm positioning myself foropportunities Because I'm still,
(52:11):
like you said you go back tothat young person.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yeah, you're a person .
Speaker 1 (52:14):
You want to Know and find out.
Yes, so my whole adoptionjourney of when I found out
spanned from seven years old to47.
Wow, so that whole time?
No, sorry, let me back up Fromseven years old to, like, 45
(52:37):
years old.
Okay and then, from 45 to 47,that journey of having pieces of
the Rubik's Cube.
You just can't put it together.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1 (52:49):
So that's that's have some information.
Right there and I want to getrid of peel the sticker pieces
off and put them back on, but itwould have put it together
right you would have put ittogether right so it.
The journey For me was one evesand flows, emotional struggles,
(53:12):
wrestling but I have think I'mthe better for it.
I Think that I've walked it ina manner where I've been
respectful for everybody elseRight, because I never wanted
anybody to say that I caused aproblem intentionally, and I get
that, I Understand that, butyou also have to make sure that
(53:35):
you're whole too.
Speaker 2 (53:37):
Yeah, you know, I'm saying because this is a lot,
even though you've known sinceyou were seven.
I Get that right.
But still, as you get closer toyou, knowing more and the lots
being revealed, it, it gets youin a different mindset.
(53:58):
True, because now, all right, Idefinitely understand what
adoption is and I definitelyneed the answers for how all
that came about.
And I don't need it from otherpeople, right, I Need it from
that one person, that's right.
Dad Was a person who put mylife onto this path, what you're
(54:24):
grateful for.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
When the social worker asked me because I had to
write a letter, I had to writeit.
She said write a letter of yourintentions that I will give to
the family.
She said I don't know.
This is in the beginning.
She says I don't know if she'sstill alive, I don't know
anything, but is there anythingthat you want to say?
And I wrote a letter and thefirst thing I said was I want to
(54:46):
say thank you For giving birthto me, thank you for choosing to
Give me up for adoption so Ican have a chance at life.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
On a flip side, the Commonwealth is not that bad
Because New Jersey, yeah, I hadto write no letter, you know.
Plus, your story is differentbecause your mother was younger
and then back then they sent himaway.
(55:21):
That wasn't the case for mymother.
She already had two kids, shewas married, she was 19.
So I don't have a file.
Mine was one page notidentifiable information, two
pages, you know, notidentifiable information.
It was a summary of what sheclaims that she didn't say.
(55:48):
But who else would get thatinformation?
But okay, so that's completelydifferent and each state is
different.
Speaker 1 (56:00):
Yeah, each state is different.
Speaker 2 (56:01):
Each state is different and how the adoption
came about is different.
So you just never know, becausein New Jersey all firsts are
sealed.
Firsts are sealed when you'readopted.
It just passed legislation,maybe.
Speaker 1 (56:23):
So it's sealed to a point when you can't get it open
.
Speaker 2 (56:25):
Correct the only way.
Well, you can now, okay, butwhen I first started you?
Well, you don't need.
Not only do you have topetition the court anymore, but
the law was before you wouldhave to either be birth mother
or the adoptive parents canpetition the court, oh wow.
Speaker 1 (56:42):
So you, as the adopter, you don't even have the
right.
Speaker 2 (56:45):
Not even an adult adoptee.
I have no rights, but now wecan.
Okay, but when I startedlooking, I was able to get not
identifiable information.
Okay, but I couldn't get myoriginal birth certificate.
Did you get it?
I did?
Okay, that's another story,right?
Speaker 1 (57:04):
Right, that's a whole different conversation.
That's a whole differentconversation, yeah, but that's,
that's my journey and how Ifound out, and it's still.
You know answers to be,questions to be asked.
You know answers to be revealed.
I'm still in my journey.
The blessing is that a lot ofthe players are still there.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
That is a blessing, right, that is a blessing.
Speaker 1 (57:29):
Biological mom is still alive.
My biological father has passed, so I don't have a lot of
answers in that regard.
Do you know that for sure thathe's passed away?
Speaker 2 (57:39):
Yes, okay, we'll talk about that one in a different,
because it could be allegedlypassed away if they don't want
the person.
Speaker 1 (57:50):
Well, I've done some research and I saw the obituary.
Okay, you know, it was it.
So you've seen facts.
I've seen facts and you know,to look at them, I'm like, yeah,
I can see it.
And then, yeah, we'll see.
Speaker 2 (58:02):
Okay, all right.
So from your journey, whatcould, what takeaways could you,
you know, give someone elsethat might be in the same
position that you are in?
Speaker 1 (58:14):
I always say the first thing is really come to
terms with if you want to knowthe truth Because, as much as I
was excited, you know whathappens on the flip side if you
get information that you don'twant to hear, what happens if
you're rejected.
So you have to come to termswith the reality that you
(58:36):
anything may happen, Becausewhat would have happened if
birth mom says that ain't neverhappened, Right?
So now you have to deal withthat rejection of not being
validated, Right?
You know what I'm saying.
So you have to be real sober inpursuing on this journey.
Number two, I would say seekwise counsel about how to do it,
(59:03):
because there are a lot ofentities that will take your
money and because it is anemotional journey, you'll pay
and you don't necessarily haveto pay.
You know it's your right.
You just have to know theprocesses for the states and
things of that nature.
Do your research.
But because it's so emotional,you'll make an emotional
(59:25):
decision that you don't have to.
So you know, be prepared forthe journey, be prepared for
what may happen, the rejection,do your research.
And then, number three, I wouldsay whatever the outcome,
whatever the journey, seek somecounsel, seek some professional
(59:50):
counseling, because knowing whatwe know now is a level of
trauma.
Speaker 2 (59:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (59:58):
You know, because that normalcy that you've had
for however long, when it isinterrupted and redefined, it's
a change Right, good, bad orindifferent it's a change.
And going to somebody from aprofessional lens to help you
(01:00:20):
identify, understand and managethe change is beneficial Because
it's not always a negative,it's not always a positive,
sometimes it's just the facts.
And now you're left to navigatethis space.
I would just encourage you know, really seeking out counseling
and getting our culture.
We look at counseling from anegative standpoint Because we
(01:00:44):
want afforded opportunities.
Two, and I just think over time, as mental health has become
more relevant in our society,it's become more normalized to
go to counseling and seekassistance.
Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:00:57):
You know there used to be negative connotations of
you're going to see a shrink andall these different negative
things, Whereas now it should belooked at the same as you get a
tune up on your car.
Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
Yeah, it's more acceptable now, yeah, more
acceptable.
A lot becomes more acceptableafter 2020.
Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
You ain't lying, because that was traumatic for
everybody.
Speaker 2 (01:01:22):
Yes, so it is definitely more acceptable.
Yeah, I'm a strong believer incounseling.
I'm a advocate as well.
I'm an advocate for it as well.
Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
So, yeah, that's my journey.
Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
Wow, that was amazing , amazing, and that's from a
seven year old.
Speaker 1 (01:01:37):
Right, that's from a seven year old and that's what I
can remember.
I'm sure there were otherthings.
Yeah, that took place, you know, and as I continue to share it
and just walk in this truth, I'msure more stuff will be
revealed, but those were thehighlighted blueprints or
indicators for this journey, formy story.
Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
Wow.
So you can see, we both havethat commonality of being
adopted, but our stories aretotally different, totally
different.
Everybody's story is not thesame, but we understand
everyone's journey.
Speaker 1 (01:02:11):
That's right.
We respect everyone's journey.
That's the key you got torespect and embrace the journey.
Speaker 2 (01:02:19):
Yes, that's the key.
So that's it for this episodeof so I'm Adopted.
Stay tuned for our next one.
I think we're going to I don'tknow what we're going to talk
about next time.
Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
I mean, you know we will see.
Yeah, we'll see.
It's organic, the discussionsare organic and, you know, the
main thing is that we're stillin that place where we talked
about that acceptance, because,you know, we gave the journey,
but the emotional responses, youknow, your emotional response
when you first found out wasdifferent from when you didn't
(01:03:00):
know it.
It's like you're going in thisdirection, but then for me, at
seven years old versus 47 yearsold, you know, and then as you
find out more information, youknow, do you get angry, are you
happy, are you indifferent?
Right, you know?
Have you suppressed it to apoint where that's not even
(01:03:23):
something I talk about because Ineed to stay in this space?
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:03:28):
And next time we're going to talk about when we
first met our birth mothers.
Yeah, that's a that's going tobe good.
Yeah, that's, that's a story initself, all by itself, all by
itself, and we finally met ourbirth mothers.
So thanks for watching.
(01:03:49):
I hope this has encouraged youand given you hope in some way,
and until next time.
Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
So we are adopted.
Thank you for listening to theso I'm Adopted podcast.
We hope that this wasinformative and educational.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at so I'm Adopted.
Also, subscribe to our YouTubepage so I'm adopted.
(01:04:19):
And again, thank you forlistening and until next time,
make the choice to begin yourhealing journey.
Welcome to the so I'm Adopted podcast, where we talk
everything adoption.
This journey is not one we takealone.
Together we grapple with rawemotions that surface from
adoption stories.
We want you to be comfortableenough to heal, so sit back and
go with us on this journey as wedive deep into adoption.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
So welcome back to so I'm Adopted podcast.
This is our second episode.
I'm Lisa.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
John.
Speaker 2 (00:51):
And so we are adopted .
We wanted to again create aspace for adoption, truths to be
shared.
Even though we both have common, we share commonality, right
Commonality.
I kind of like hold that.
I don't know if that's a wordor not.
(01:11):
It is a word, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
It's a word tonight anyway.
Speaker 2 (01:15):
So we have that bond but our stories are totally
different and we just wanted togive a space to where we, as we
talk about our own stories.
We wanted people to hear ourconversation and eventually be
able to share their common youknow their stories as well.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
That's interesting because I even think about
initially we didn't know thateach other were adopted and had
this story I know, and it wasn'tuntil Wow.
Speaker 2 (01:45):
Until, actually, I found it that I was adopted.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
But even after you found out, I still didn't know.
I remember tightest because youdidn't make it like public,
public, true, true.
You know some tightest accountof share with me.
When you know Lisa is you needto talk to her and I was like
wow, and then that's when youknow that started and that was
we've known each other.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Who?
How long we've known each other?
17 years, yeah, 17 years, 17years, okay, 17.
I was going over 20.
20.
Speaker 1 (02:17):
But you know, this podcast is where we will hear
adoption truth, adoption truthsfrom adoptees, adoptive parents
and birth parents and families,the whole family, the whole
village.
I will also have input fromlicensed professionals such as
psychiatrists, psychology andsocial workers to get a deeper
understanding of the adoptionjourney.
(02:39):
I think these stories andperspectives will give hope,
understanding and courage tothose who are adopted or even
considering adoption, becausethere's so many different layers
to it.
And along with the journey ofacceptance, reconciliation and
maintenance of being adopted.
Those are the things that wedecided are pillars of the
(03:00):
journey.
Your journey may be different,but you have some level of
acceptance when you first findout.
Then the reconciliation, ofcoming to terms with the
adoption yes, you know that'snot even considering a
reconciliation with birth,family and things of that nature
.
There has to be somethinginternal within you that you
(03:22):
reconcile that.
You know, this is my truth,this is where I am.
And then, once you do that, themaintenance is when you bring
the other pieces of the puzzleto the table.
So that ultimately makes for aamazing journey.
I would curious.
I might do some research on anybooks, because I haven't really
looked at any books foradoption.
(03:42):
The whole time that I found outand when I started my journey,
you know who is telling thestory from a standpoint as an
adoptee, that it speaks to me.
What truths are out there inthe book world?
Speaker 2 (03:57):
They're out there.
There's quite a few out thereactually.
I can't think of them on top ofmy head, but they are out there
.
But I know that last week wetalked about when I found out.
Yeah, when did I know?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
And it was interesting is I've heard the
story, I know it, but as youwere telling it, it gave me deep
burn understanding and itpainted a different picture and
it was almost like I was walkingwith a camera behind you, given
that story.
So it really illuminated.
So I can only imagine those whoheard it for the first time how
(04:38):
they were able to envision thatjourney and the emotional ups
and downs or ups and flows too.
Speaker 2 (04:43):
Yes, yes, yes, but this week we're going to talk
about when did you know?
Because you gave us a littlenugget last week.
Speaker 1 (04:52):
I did.
Speaker 2 (04:54):
You said that you were a child at the time.
I was.
So I have a lot of questions,because, as a child, how do you
reconcile that in your head?
So, john, tell me, when did youknow?
Speaker 1 (05:12):
So I remember being outside.
We grew up in that age when weplayed football in the street,
right Right.
So we were outside playingfootball and normally we would
drink out the water hose or wecould go to the various houses
in the neighborhood, because wehad those community houses and
somebody had popsicles for us.
(05:33):
Wait, pause for a second.
Speaker 2 (05:34):
I got to get comfortable.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
We had that one neighbor.
His mom had popsicles for us,somebody's family.
They had beer for us eventhough we were young, because
that's what they did.
They would give us a champagneof beers because we'd be outside
.
Now, mind you, they didn'tstart doing that until we got
older, but that's just theculture of the neighborhood.
It was that village.
So we're outside playingfootball in the street and I had
(06:01):
to go in the house and use therestaurant and I don't know what
the conversation was and Inever really asked after the
fact.
Why that moment?
But everything happens for areason.
So I went inside and my momsaid come here, john.
And I said hey, what's up, mom?
She said that I'm going to tellyou something.
She says you're adopted.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
And just like that.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Just like that.
She was sitting in the kitchen.
It was her, my dad and I don'teven.
It was some other people there,I do not remember who, and I
was like okay, and went outside,went right back outside, and I
want to say I probably was,maybe seven.
I was real young.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
So they just called you in.
Speaker 1 (06:47):
Well, no, they didn't call me and.
I just happened to come in thehouse so I'm not sure if they
were having discussions.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Probably were.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Maybe somebody was like you might want to tell,
because they do it.
Next one.
And my mom dropped it and, likeshe kept cutting cord, I was
like, okay, I'm going backoutside.
And I remember after wefinished playing, you know, I
told my partners office like yo,I'm adopted man, what does that
mean?
(07:17):
And the first response was youlying.
I was like I'm not, we go ask.
She just told me that's whatthey told me.
So then that's when thequestion started for me and it
was okay, wait a minute, whatdoes this mean?
So, balancing of what I shouldhave did was go back in the
(07:41):
house and have the discussion.
I'm politicking and talking tonine and 10 year olds.
So that tells you right there,everything that I got wrong,
totally wrong.
We had no, and I'm going totell you how I know it was a bad
conversation because I don'tremember anything about it.
So that tells me that it wasnot positive.
(08:03):
So I remember going back in thehouse afraid to ask, because
now I had this information thatwas dropped on me, not in a
negative manner.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
I didn't know what to do with it.
Speaker 1 (08:18):
And as a seven year old you have no clue of how to
process this.
But then I think about withthat generation as well, because
when my parents adopted me theywere older In those generations
.
Certain stuff you just didn'ttalk about, yeah.
You know what I'm saying?
You, just like you said last,week you know you?
(08:40):
just they didn't have those softskills to talk about stuff.
So as time went on, I rememberI would ask little questions
here and there and I would sayso, I'm adopted, what does that
mean?
And I remember my mom said well, I couldn't have kids and
somebody else gave birth to you,and then me and your father
(09:04):
adopted you.
And I would ask that samequestion and I would get the
exact same answer, because thatwas a safe question, right?
You mean I didn't want to pushthe envelope.
Speaker 2 (09:15):
At least you had to sit down on that question, right
?
I had that question in there.
I didn't have it.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
And so that was the initial and I always grew up
understanding it.
So then my question evolved toso does everybody know?
And she said yes.
So I would start asking mycousins did you know?
And of course my cousins theyknew, but they didn't really
(09:42):
understand because I was part ofthe family.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
So when did how long after they dropped the bomb on
you with no chaser, Did you askthe first time?
What does that mean?
Speaker 1 (09:55):
So probably was that next day Because, like I said,
when I came back in the house Iwas scared, I didn't know what
to say.
And I remember and it'sinteresting it's coming to me
now I don't my dad was in thefamily room watching TV and I
went in the bathroom and I wasplaying with the water and it
(10:19):
was.
We had an additional in thehouse, on the house, so the
bathroom door was wooden and I'mjust in the bathroom playing
with the water and I remember Iwould put my thumb under the
spigot, cut the water on it, thewater would shoot out and at
seven years old you don't reallyunderstand that that water has
to fall somewhere.
So, the door was wet and I guessmy mom heard the water or saw
(10:45):
it running under the door andshe opened the door and she like
lost it.
What are you doing?
And my dad said no, no, no,yeah.
And I don't know if that was aoutward cry of you know,
deviance, now me being in mentalhealth, understanding that
every behavior has a functionbehind it.
(11:05):
So I don't know if he viewed itas let me help him out before
it becomes something that itshouldn't be.
And then I remember, after thatpivotal point, discussions were
a little more pinpoint, not thatI really got all of the
information because it was stilla tender subject, but that
(11:26):
probably was one of the moreimportant or meaningful times of
my dad like pulled me to theside at a young age and was like
listen, it's OK and I'm no cluebecause I'm just in there
playing with the water, right,right.
But now, like I said, from amental health lens, it could
have sent a signal off for him.
(11:48):
So now discussions are startingto become a little more
frequent, because I'm asking atthis point and I said well, when
did you all adopt me?
And my mom said you were things.
She said like a couple of daysI was that I had to go to an
orphanage.
When I was first born I was theonly boy in the orphanage.
(12:12):
She had a picture of me.
You know, first born.
You know they take the nakedpicture of you know that stuff.
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Oh, you had yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
I had pictures of everything, so yeah, yeah.
So then I asked I said well,when did you, you know, when did
you get me to tell me about it?
She says, well, we had to gothrough the application.
People would come to the house,interview us.
They interviewed the neighbors.
So I said so, everybody on thestreet knows I'm adopted again
Seven year old, mine.
And she said, yeah, they wantedto know who we were, if we were
(12:44):
good people.
I said well, where did you pickme up from?
She said she didn't tell me.
She said we picked you up fromthe orphanage.
She never told me where it wasat.
So she said we picked you up Me, your dad, your uncle Phillip
and your uncle.
We drove down and your cousinDion.
So me and Dion grew up likebrothers.
(13:05):
He's four years older than meand he was so excited to have a
cousin.
But it was interesting becausemy uncle Phillip is dark skinned
and my aunt Faye is lightskinned.
So there are pictures of myuncle Phillip holding me when
they would leave out justbecause the four of them were
always together, and my mom saidthe running joke was who that
(13:27):
dark skinned man?
Thank you for that lightskinned man, because it was a
significant difference, becausethey would take me everywhere
because my mom was self employedso they would keep me Right.
So she talked about how todrive back and I was cool in and
just she fell in love with mefrom that moment and I said,
(13:49):
well, I never asked her how muchwas it, did it cost?
Like I didn't have that conceptto think about it.
But she would just talk aboutall of the interviews that they
had to do.
They came and looked at thebills to make sure that it was
paying their bills and they cameto the house and looked at the
house and made sure it was asafe space.
And they went to her job andinterviewed her managers and
(14:12):
things of that nature.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
Oh, she gave me all that.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
She gave me all that on that side of the coin.
So her comment as I got alittle bit older and we continue
the discussion.
She says I wanted you to knowbecause I did not want you to
find out in a negative way.
So I was like what do you meannegative way?
(14:35):
She says I don't want you to bearound the family because you
know everybody got that on it.
They get to drinking, spill thebeans.
All the truth come out, rightSecrets, and all the secrets,
all the secrets come out.
She says I did not want you toresent me because I never told
you.
I said really.
(14:55):
I said you think somebody won'ttell me.
She says I had to cuss out oneof my aunts because she got
drunk and she made the commentyou can get out of here.
You in that white baby youadopted.
And my mom said some choicewords that won the whole lot of
Jesus and I was just moreexcited to have my mama cuss in
(15:16):
a controlled environment.
That I got excited about.
I was like you said that forreal.
She was like, yeah, y'all saidit.
And I was like, ok.
So as time went on and Icontinue to, now I'm in middle
school and I'm with other peopleand I'm recognizing that, yeah,
(15:37):
this is my family.
Everybody knows I'm adopted,but I favored my mom.
And they didn't treat me anydifferently and I'll never
forget, probably about eighthgrade.
Seventh to eighth grade, afriend of mine their parents
separated and it floored us inthe neighborhood because all of
(16:01):
us had two parent householdsexcept for one whose father had
passed away.
So it was foreign, it'sdifferent, and it began me
looking at family dynamics.
So then my question was well, Iwonder if, wherever I was
(16:21):
pulled out from, if they have adifferent family, if they have X
, Y or Z?
So again middle school, youstart going through the various
thoughts, but you're alsodealing with puberty, You're
also dealing with trying to fitin, so you kind of suppress that
and tuck it away.
Speaker 2 (16:43):
So, before you got to middle school, how did you feel
?
Can you remember how you felt?
Or did you felt like you wereasking me that I feel like was I
ashamed, or did you feel thatall of a sudden, you felt
different than all your otherfriends?
Speaker 1 (17:03):
So, to answer that one, I didn't have a guilt and I
think, because it was talkedabout in a manner that was so
positive and embracing and somatter of fact, that it wasn't
like a taboo shame we're notgoing to talk about it it was
(17:23):
just like this is what it is, soit was an acceptance.
That's how she presented it tome and I think about it.
I don't think my dad never evenreally said anything.
Speaker 2 (17:34):
Yeah, they didn't normally talk.
The father's normally talk.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
He's going back now.
Later on we had discussions butgrowing up my mom was the one
that and her and I we talked allthe time.
We just had that connectionwhere at night she would have
her green section, roll her hair, smoke her a cigarette and
drink her some bourbon.
(17:58):
That was her thing.
Every night we used to watchJohnny Carson, quincy and all
that and I would just lay at thefoot of the bed and we would
talk.
So that was just a culture.
So I didn't have a shame.
My feeling was this is myfamily.
To be honest, I really feltspecial because they didn't give
(18:24):
birth to me but they loved mein spite of them.
And unless I brought it up, itwasn't thrown in my face that I
was adopted.
Speaker 2 (18:33):
Right.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
So it wasn't a negative thing in any manner and
I'll never forget I don't knowhow it came up.
At school One of the guys madethe comment about you adopted
something.
He tried to make it a negativeand that was when I was learning
(18:54):
the gift of gab and I had theability to articulate jokes to
hurt your feelings and need it.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
You got to be quick on your feet.
Speaker 1 (19:03):
You got to be quick on your feet.
And again, I don't rememberexactly what I said, but all
that everybody in class was like, oh, and we ended up fighting.
It was bad, but it was thatprotection of my space and I
went for the juggler.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
Right.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
So it's always been.
I've always understood andknown it.
So then, as I got to highschool and got a little older, I
started to question well, wheredo I come from?
Because we never had that sideof the conversation and I will
never forget the first time Iasked my mom that question.
(19:44):
Her response was the file isclosed and you can't open it.
Point blank, period, pointblank.
I was like whoa, I've neverseen that side of you before.
Speaker 2 (20:00):
Because that's when it starts to become personal to
the mother.
There you go, the replacementfactor, the replacement factor
and that's why, in my situation,she never told us, because of
exactly what you just said.
So, I.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I picked up on that.
And then my head now again highschool.
You know I'm aware of life,right, but not totally aware,
because if I was totally aware Iwould have come to the
understanding that it's my rightto know.
That's my thinking brain, myemotional brain was I don't
(20:41):
wanna hurt her Cause.
I see the hurt that thisquestion brought up.
Speaker 2 (20:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:47):
So you know, every now and again in conversations I
would ask certain questions andyou know what do you do?
You know what do you think?
Do I have any siblings?
And as time went on herresponse softened, but it was
still difficult and I told her Isaid listen, I won't, I'm not
(21:11):
gonna pursue, I'm not laughingat that, really, out of respect
for her cause, I didn't want herto go through that hurt.
Oh, I get it I understand, youknow, I did not want that.
It wasn't worth it to me inthat moment to damage what I had
, what I knew was consistent,for something that I didn't know
, Cause I had no clue, Right.
(21:32):
You know, as I got older, meand my dad talked and I said,
you know, I would drop a littleheads of you.
You ever wondered where I camefrom and like if my parents are
this or that.
So then he said to me he sayswell, I know your dad played
music, he had a lot of music,and I know that your mom was
(21:57):
young, but she was very, I thinkhe said, gifted.
You know, with regards to I'mthinking from an art standpoint,
I later found out that giftedwas just, she had a brilliant
mind for that age and justcertain things, and I'll share
(22:18):
that on the other side.
But you know, that was thefirst time that he gave more
knowledge and I'm thinking okay,well, dude, you holding on.
So then he, his conversationwith me, started to be a little
more evolved and I said well,dad, you know you ever wanna
(22:39):
know.
He was like yeah, I wanna knowtoo, but there's only when you
ready that he put it back on me.
I said okay.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
So Because you know he's getting your mama too.
Oh, absolutely Y'all bothgetting your mama Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (22:53):
And you know he was short anyways and he ain't not
that smooth.
She helped dad.
She helped dad, told you shedrank bourbon every night.
She was ready.
I understand.
So I do remember the, my highschool graduation, my college
graduation, in the excitement ofeverything, and my 18th and
(23:15):
21st birthday those four timesmore pronounced I had a I'm not
gonna say a sadness, but aconcern or a statement of.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
I wonder if you know the birthdays, if they, if she
knows that this is my birthdayor has she moved on?
Speaker 1 (23:38):
does she know that I graduated Right?
You know?
Would she be?
I wanna.
Would she be proud of thosetype of things, mm-hmm.
So.
Speaker 2 (23:50):
Did they even remember your birthday?
Speaker 1 (23:52):
Right, that's a huge one that's a huge one On
mother's day, you know.
Did she or even did she have anyother kids?
Was I the only one?
All of these questions are justgoing everywhere.
So we get to Janice and I wereexpecting Jailer, right and we
(24:18):
go to fill out the paperwork atthe doctor's office and he asks
me family history and I feltashamed at that point.
It's the only time I feltashamed Really, and I felt
ashamed because I couldn'tanswer the question.
Right as I'm about to enterfatherhood, I'm inadequate
because I don't know.
(24:39):
I know, you know, yeah, theonly thing I knew was I had sick
or cell traits.
But they're asking all theseother things and I'm, like you,
already wrestling when you'reabout to go down to fatherhood
or break a journey, right, right, and you start off where you
cannot answer the question.
And it bothered me.
It bothered me so much that,when we got home, janice said
we're going to start the processto find your parents and I was,
(25:04):
as an adult, still scared of mymom and I said, janice, we
can't do it.
Yeah, she says no, it's yourright, we can do it, you know.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
I was like no, no, no , no, no, no, no, no.
She don't understand, you don'tunderstand, Trust me that ain't
what we want to do?
You don't want to go down thatpath Right.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
So my wife being my wife, she got the information of
you know where I was, theagency and once we got the
agency.
We just sat on the informationCause I still was like nope, not
doing it.
Because I remember that firsttime and I remember the
(25:44):
conversations and that was moreimportant to me in that moment
than me finding out theinformation for my journey,
right, wrong or indifferent.
That's just where I was at.
Right, that's just where I wasat.
Yeah, so you know, we haveJaila, and I'm still not able to
answer questions and I have tochange the language and say I'm
(26:05):
adopted.
I don't know my family is, andthat was a safe, empowering
statement for me to say you know, we had Jaila, everything's
wonderful.
Then we have Jordan and I'm alittle more equipped this time
for the journey.
So, 2013, the mother passes awayand we went to a family reunion
(26:28):
in Alabama.
So we ride through MargaretAlabama is where she was from in
Alabama, birmingham and thewhole nine.
And as we're leaving out, Isaid well, dad, I got a question
for you.
I said I want to find myadopted parents.
Are you okay with it?
(26:49):
I said, because I know mom wasnot okay with it and I'm going
to give you that same respectthat I gave her.
He said hell, I want to go too.
The way for you to saysomething and I'm like, okay,
I'm like dude, you could havebeen saying something, man, but
(27:12):
it was that he was wanting to bemy decision.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
Yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (27:16):
So once I got the green light I put Janice on it
and we reached out and was ableto find, like I said, the agency
was Catholic Charities.
And then we found out I wasadopted in Hampton Roads.
So then that opened up.
So we should hear do they knowme?
Speaker 2 (27:40):
Do they go to Ivy Like what's going on?
I'm still in the grocery store.
Speaker 1 (27:44):
I'm looking at people like they look like me, they
got my ears, they got you godown this huge rabbit hole
because you just want some typeof connection.
Because, yeah, I had thatfamily dynamic.
I had the love I wasn't lacking.
But it's something about yourblood.
Rather than when Jailer wasborn, it touched me in a manner
(28:07):
that to hold and to see my firstknown blood, rather than what
role did it play?
I sat there and I wept like ababy, and even Jailer would tell
you the story.
I let her know, like you weremy first blood brother that I
met.
That's a badge of honor for her.
We got that type of connection.
(28:27):
So, boom, we get the informationand we run into roadblocks
because the Catholic agency Imean the Catholic Charities was
on Aberdeen and Hampton hadclosed.
So all the files got sent toRichmond.
So now it's just like you gottago.
(28:47):
This organization is holding itin.
You don't know.
So it's like, do you paysomebody to do this?
What do you do?
You just don't know and Ididn't know where to go.
So I'm just like, okay.
So we reached out, sent anemail, and I think we reached
out to somebody that had gonethrough the process and they
(29:10):
said, well, talk to socialservice.
I was like, okay, that I thinkhit a roadblock, so then talk to
somebody else.
And they were like well, if youknow, catholic Charities was
the one send an email to them,let them know that you were an
adoptee through them and youwanna start the process of
(29:32):
finding your file.
Sounds very simple, soundslogical, but when you don't know
, you don't know.
So we send the email and abouta week later we get a response
back.
You have a case manager.
That's pretty good.
A week it was a week when thelaw turned around wrong.
Yeah, that's very good.
(29:53):
And then now, from the time wegot the case manager until she
called back with the file,probably was about probably four
months.
That's too good.
About four or five months,that's good.
And I'll never forget her officewas right up the street from
(30:14):
where I worked at in Dempe.
Oh, really, because when shecalled she said Mr Underwood, I
do have your file.
It's what do they call it?
It has non-identifiedinformation, but I have a file
for you.
So I'm like, okay, I like,where can I meet you?
She says, well, I'm not at theoriginal office, I'm in Denby,
(30:40):
I'm working in Denby, where areyou at?
She gave me the address, rightup the street.
I said what time I can be there.
I went up there and I'm walkingin nervous.
My hands are sweating.
I don't know what I'm going tofind.
It's like that treasure.
So I go in and she says I'venever seen a file like this.
So automatically I go to thenegative like oh, okay, and no
(31:01):
father's about this thick.
Wow, that's amazing.
And the police worker that wasassigned took weekly notes
throughout the whole journey.
And the social worker saidlisten, I've reached out.
She said there's a maternalgrandmother that I've spoken to.
There's a maternal aunt thatI've spoken to.
(31:24):
Two of them I've sent lettersto grandmother, aunt and mother.
She says I have to respect whatmother says, because that's who
is in charge of all of this.
I said okay.
And she said the file has notidentified any information, but
(31:46):
it's yours.
She's asked for you not toreach out.
She said she's not saying never, but not right now.
I said okay, I just want to seewhat's in the file.
And it's that hope.
And for a split second therewas a all these years.
(32:07):
And now that I'm like found you, you want to deny me again.
Speaker 2 (32:13):
Right, Because I was going to ask you how did you
feel at that very moment whenshe said that to you Right.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
So the excitement of this whole opportunity a little
bit of the air was let out inthe blue.
It didn't deter me because Istill wanted to know, right, and
I remember the social workersaying she had talked in depth
to the aunt and they wanted toreach out.
But even the paternalgrandmother said it's what the
(32:40):
mother wants.
So I get home and I got thefile Janice is not there yet.
I said listen, I got the file.
She was like have you read it?
I was like I can't read it, Idon't know what to do with it, I
don't know.
So we sat in the bed when shegot home and we read it and I
remember being so empowered as Iread it because subconsciously
(33:06):
it answered the question ofyou're not a mistake, you have a
story.
You know what led up to that?
It validated the unknown.
When you walk as a and I can'tspeak for everybody on it for me
, even though I was loved, eventhough there wasn't lag, there's
still this unknown, there'sthis you know these parentheses
(33:29):
that have nothing in it, that attimes, depending on your
situation, you feel with otherstuff.
But now I've got concreteinformation, you know, and I had
told myself well, even if Idon't give anything else, I'm
fine with this.
Were you really?
No, okay, I wanted more, but Iwas preparing myself if this was
(33:52):
all I got.
Speaker 2 (33:53):
Right.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
Trying to be proactive in the language.
So we go through it and we'reonline looking because we found
out the location and Emporia andall these things.
And we're Googling and lookingbecause we said something about
you know the town and all thesedifferent information.
We're trying to Google it.
Like I said, they had blackedout the identifying information.
(34:17):
So, mind you, it's like maybe11 o'clock at night.
Janice got home at four.
So the whole time we wentthrough the file and she's very
sober, like okay, how are youfeeling?
Are you overwhelmed?
And just trying to make surethat my mental space is positive
.
So something in Janice was likewait a minute, she takes the
(34:41):
paper and put it up to the light.
And she was like, okay, there'sthe name.
Oh, wow.
And we just went.
It was me, her and her bestfriend growing up on the phone,
because she's like Janice'sentire private eye.
Yes, and you know, sean is likethis will be due in a history
(35:03):
machine and she's gonna find allthe clues and put it together.
Sean is the writer now.
So we start looking and we seethe names and we start Googling
and we go to Facebook.
Of course everybody's on socialmedia, right, and I'm like,
okay, so at this age.
If she was 14, then she's atthis age.
So maybe she's in the socialmedia, maybe she's not.
(35:24):
And we start looking.
And then we found her name, themaiden name.
So we started looking and thenwe found on social media a guy's
profile and we were like thiscould be a son.
He's younger than me.
And we were like it's oneo'clock in the morning, we're
(35:47):
going to bed Because I had juststarted a new job.
This is 2018.
I'm like hell.
I gotta go to bed because Igotta go to work tomorrow.
Two hours later, sean callsback.
She says I found her.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
She didn't go to bed.
Y'all went to bed.
She didn't go to bed.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
She says I found her, she laid down, I don't know how
she did it, wow.
And she had sent a message tomy brothers.
Speaker 2 (36:18):
Why.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
She sent a message through messenger and was like
listen, I'm not crazy.
You know, at times my start outwith that.
She said I'm not crazy, this iswho I am, but the reason I'm
writing is because my brotherhas just found his file from his
adoption and we think that youall are connected.
So my brother that's a yearyounger than me, or 18 months.
(36:44):
He responded and said listen.
Speaker 2 (36:48):
I just got off work, I'm sorry.
Pause for one moment.
Good, so how old was yourmother when she gave birth to
you?
She was 15.
15.
She was 15 when she was 15.
And then, how old is yourbrother younger than you?
18 months.
Speaker 1 (37:02):
Okay, All right.
So my brother about later wasafter she had me.
She went back to school and mether husband.
Oh, okay, so she met herhusband and she was a young
brother.
She was a young brother andthey the other.
(37:23):
Ever since, they have had threemore kids.
Speaker 2 (37:27):
Wow, yeah, it's interesting that that didn't
deter her from moving forward infinding someone and getting
married or anything, andconsidering all that's pretty
good.
Speaker 1 (37:45):
So my younger brother .
He says I just got off work,give me a moment to process.
And now that I know him, Itotally see that she had also
sent a message to my otherbrother.
His response wasn't as positive, or?
Polished, oh really, and howmany years so he is?
(38:08):
I think One, two, three, 13years between us.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 1 (38:19):
So he's the baby.
So he's the baby.
His response was who the hellis this?
How do you know about my family?
He went in protection modeRight, right, and now that I
know him, I understand.
It makes sense.
So, the interesting part youknow social media, you look to
see who's connected with who,which he did the same thing and,
(38:42):
again, like I said, the brotheris right under me, that's a
year younger, he went to sleep,he slept on it.
But the other one started tobecome social media of who I was
.
So we found one person that wasconnected, who used to work
with Janice and Hampton HighSchool.
Now, mind you, this is I wentto work and I came back home and
(39:05):
Janice was like, look, I foundthis one person.
I said give him a call, see ifyou know him.
Sean has told us about theresponse from both brothers.
So we got traction the wholetime.
I'm like yo, I don't want tolike I don't know what to do.
Did they know about you?
So we'll get to that.
(39:26):
Okay, we'll get to that.
As we are looking on Facebook,I get a call from the social
worker.
The social worker says MrUnderwood, what have you done?
Speaker 2 (39:38):
I'm like what?
I ain't doing nothing.
I'm like I don't know whatyou're talking about.
Speaker 1 (39:45):
I went to work.
What are you talking about?
So she said I got a call fromyour paternal grandmother, I
mean your paternal mother.
She's like going to seek alawyer.
I'm slight who.
She's suing Me, or you Like?
Sorry for you, lady, I don'tknow what you're talking about.
Speaker 2 (40:08):
She's going to put a gag word around you, season to
season, right, big time, bigtime she said I told you all I
was not so.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
Once I heard that interestingly enough it was
parallel to what Carlin'sresponse was when I wanted to
find so my whole mentalityshifted.
Now my whole mentality was I'llentertain this, but I don't
want to do anything to rock theboat because it will mess up any
chance that I may have.
So Janice and I hadconversations.
(40:39):
I was like look, don't messthis up, because y'all want to
go down this rabbit hole Exactly.
So we reach out to the friendthat worked with her at Hampton
High and she says hey, you know,I just want to talk to you
about I got a situation and it'sgoing to sound crazy, but we
just found John's file.
(41:00):
He was adopted, oh okay, and wethink that you're connected
with one of the family members,the brother, he said oh what's
the name?
And when she told him the name,he said yeah, I know them.
Those were my neighbors growingup.
Oh, wow, what.
And he said I can take you tothe house right now, great
(41:22):
people.
And he said, now to think aboutit, john looks just like her.
So I'm crying hearing this,because now I got an image Right
.
He says we've gone on vacationstogether.
He says, yeah, I know thefamily, so I'm like who is that?
(41:42):
Give me?
Speaker 2 (41:43):
you know just that, give me, give me, give me, give
me, give me all these answers.
Speaker 1 (41:46):
So at that point, my brother, the youngest brother,
have reached out to the sameperson, because the guy said he
reached out to me earlier and Iwasn't able to talk to him.
So Janet said when you call himback, tell him you know who we
(42:07):
are and I don't know.
We not crazy.
So he said I will.
He said I definitely will.
He said my fact.
Let me call him now so you knowthey had their dialogue about
who I was and he shared with him.
He's like I worked with hiswife, I've been in his class
where he teaches you know achurch, great family, you want
(42:27):
to get to know them, greatfamily.
So at this point my brotherthat's a year younger, he says
he reaches the back out.
He says, hey, you know we needto talk, something like Okay, so
we talked.
He's like what's up, man?
Hey, you don't know what to sayin that situation trust me, I
(42:51):
know.
So as we began to talk, he said.
He said, man, you know, I'veI've known For a while and he's
to share with me how he foundout.
Okay, so he went to NorthCarolina A&T play football.
You know he said he came homefor a while and he just happened
to be here at the Hunt's house.
(43:11):
You know I dropped the bomb andAunt was like you know you got
a brother.
He's like yeah, I know I got abrother, I see him all the time.
Oh, you got another brotherthat's older than you.
He was like well, what, I wasshut up and he said he thought
about it and he said, grandma,when he went, I Got another
(43:32):
brother.
Go talk to your mom.
Speaker 2 (43:35):
Hmm.
Speaker 1 (43:36):
You know.
So that started that discussion.
So so he knew for a while.
He knew, you know the youngerbrother had heard but didn't
know.
Speaker 2 (43:48):
Mmm.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
My sister didn't find out.
Speaker 2 (43:52):
So you have a sister, how old?
Is she?
Speaker 1 (43:55):
She's 24, 25 and she just found out in 2019.
Wow, right, so it.
And again, I can imagineFinding out at that age like who
was this guy?
Right?
Never been a part of our thingExactly.
And you know, I'm at a pointwhere I I guess I have respect
(44:18):
for everybody's feelings in itand I guess in hindsight one
could say that now I'm entitledto my feelings.
You are, but I recognize it'snot just about me.
All of us have a piece to playin it.
Speaker 2 (44:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (44:35):
And I think from a young age, seeing how it
impacted my mom when I would askabout it.
I Don't want to be the one toinvoke that hurt on others.
Yeah, so when you know, mybrothers told my sister Nate,
whatever their motivation was,it wasn't positive, you know,
(44:57):
and it so you.
I still have another you stillhave.
Speaker 2 (45:00):
Oh, you have a met your sister and your mother
didn't tell your sister.
Your brother told your sister.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
Yeah, so you know, it's like once you put the
toothpaste out the tube, youcan't put it back in.
Speaker 2 (45:16):
But does she?
Does she want to know you?
Speaker 1 (45:19):
I don't know.
Well, you know, I haven't hadthat discussion, I haven't had
that dynamic with her.
It's more of a point of IWanted to have a conversation
and get to know biological momgot it from the beginning I
Didn't know.
I didn't even know I had asister.
I know I had a brother and it'stime with on my brother's, like
(45:40):
, yeah, you know, you gotanother brother and a sister.
And I was like, oh, okay,gotcha.
So I met the.
Which one did I meet?
First been the year youngerbrother.
We would talk all the time.
But then the younger brother,he and I talked and we met and
(46:05):
we went out to district 41.
It was so crazy because Janiceand the girls were in the car
and I was like, who can I callit?
Be in the parking lot, just incase, because he had already
popped off.
No, I don't know right.
So I had some some folks outposted around me when the safe
space.
The bartender was a good friendof mine.
(46:25):
Okay, I let her know.
Look, this one's gonna do Don'tknow, for she's like.
I got everybody and we talkedand he explained his side from a
protection standpoint which Itotally understood and respected
, right, and I told him.
I said, look, man, I don't, I'mnot coming for anything, I'm
just just want to know.
And I said I would askquestions about biological mom
(46:50):
and His thing was that's on her.
When she's ready to do it.
She'll do, but she's not gonnastop me from having a
relationship, right.
So I appreciated that.
And then there was a aunt whowas 11.
She's only 11 years older thanme, so she remembers when
(47:11):
biological mom came to HamptonRose to have me and the whole,
and she reached out to methrough ancestry calm because I
was like I'm not gettinganywhere here, right, let me do
this.
Yeah, we connected and wetalked and she said she said I
have been praying for thisopportunity.
So I was like, wow, againlittle bits and pieces of the
(47:35):
story, yeah.
And I ended up meeting herProbably six or seven months
after I got the file got you, soI'm sure she was able to Give
shed light on quite a bit.
Oh, she dropped all, all she oh.
Speaker 2 (47:55):
She held on back nothing, oh, okay.
Speaker 1 (47:58):
Nothing.
So, you know, ask her.
I'd be like, hey, so this, isyou like no baby.
That ain't what.
This is what happened.
I was like, oh okay, oh wow.
And again I had to recognize,all right, is Biological mom
gonna be upset cuz I'm talkingto her, mm-hmm, but then that's
my right to talk to her.
I don't know how to operate inthis space, right?
(48:19):
So she said I'm coming down toyour church.
So her and her daughter thatcame down the church and we went
out to eat.
And again it's that Opportunityto connect to something and it's
like, oh my god, that's blood,right that's really your family,
and you know Janice being verycautious, she was like, listen,
we don't know them, we just gotto make sure and be sober in
(48:42):
this and I'm like we know thatwhatever, whatever.
Exactly you know, and it theblessing was that they were a
good character and so you know.
So it was positive.
And come to find out where myaunt lived was close to my
cousin who I grew up with.
That Like we grew up likebrothers, yes, yes my cousin's
(49:05):
son and and her nephew went tohigh school together, so it's a
lot of connections.
As I'm talking to my brother,he and I played against each
other in high school.
Wow, because we will go up andscrimmage that high school and
we again.
It's really yeah.
Speaker 2 (49:23):
Can you imagine it?
You guys probably check thisout.
Speaker 1 (49:25):
Biological mom worked in Richmond at Blue Cross, blue
Shield, so now I'm like so didshe know who I was and why?
Speaker 2 (49:34):
not now.
She didn't watch me the wholetime, right.
Speaker 1 (49:38):
So that whole dynamic of just peeling back the layers
is, it's not challenging, it ishumbling.
Yeah it's humbling.
So Fast forward.
I've met both my brothers.
Janice, you know, as metal, thegirls haven't met them, but
(50:01):
they know I talked to them.
We talk on the phone, you know.
We established a positiverelationship.
I met her, I talked to her.
Still haven't talked to they.
Come to find out.
One of my mom's good friendswent to school and grew up with
biological mom.
Hmm, so again, social media.
(50:22):
I'm like cuz, I know, now knowbiological mom's name, mm-hmm.
So I was like hey, got aquestion.
She's like what you need baby?
I said you know I was adopted,right?
She's like yeah, I said I thinkyou went to school with my
biological mom.
She said who?
And when I told her she waslike oh, I do know them.
Yes, oh, wow.
(50:43):
And I was like I said listen.
I said she doesn't want to beInvolved and I said so I'm not
asking you to go talk to her.
I said that's not what I want.
I said I'm just trying to getjust basic information.
She was like okay, okay,anything I can do to help, just
let me know.
So it's been these Safeguardsor these catalysts at different
(51:04):
times to help.
So I was bold, like I'm gonnaset a friend request on social
media to biological mom I.
But I wouldn't do it, well, cuzI, you know, she was like no,
don't do it.
I was like, okay.
(51:24):
So this year, as a matter offact, my father begins to take a
turn and I'm just likeemotionally everywhere and I was
like you know what?
Screw it center for me.
Speaker 2 (51:43):
But hold on, we don't want to really get into that
part yet.
Speaker 1 (51:47):
I'm not gonna get into that part, but what I'm
saying is and we talk about thereveal piece, because now In my
conversations I still got thebig Joker that I've somewhat put
out there.
Okay, like she hasn't revealed,you know, except for anything
like that.
But I'm positioning myself foropportunities Because I'm still,
(52:11):
like you said you go back tothat young person.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yeah, you're a person .
Speaker 1 (52:14):
You want to Know and find out.
Yes, so my whole adoptionjourney of when I found out
spanned from seven years old to47.
Wow, so that whole time?
No, sorry, let me back up Fromseven years old to, like, 45
(52:37):
years old.
Okay and then, from 45 to 47,that journey of having pieces of
the Rubik's Cube.
You just can't put it together.
Speaker 2 (52:47):
Yeah, yes.
Speaker 1 (52:49):
So that's that's have some information.
Right there and I want to getrid of peel the sticker pieces
off and put them back on, but itwould have put it together
right you would have put ittogether right so it.
The journey For me was one evesand flows, emotional struggles,
(53:12):
wrestling but I have think I'mthe better for it.
I Think that I've walked it ina manner where I've been
respectful for everybody elseRight, because I never wanted
anybody to say that I caused aproblem intentionally, and I get
that, I Understand that, butyou also have to make sure that
(53:35):
you're whole too.
Speaker 2 (53:37):
Yeah, you know, I'm saying because this is a lot,
even though you've known sinceyou were seven.
I Get that right.
But still, as you get closer toyou, knowing more and the lots
being revealed, it, it gets youin a different mindset.
(53:58):
True, because now, all right, Idefinitely understand what
adoption is and I definitelyneed the answers for how all
that came about.
And I don't need it from otherpeople, right, I Need it from
that one person, that's right.
Dad Was a person who put mylife onto this path, what you're
(54:24):
grateful for.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
When the social worker asked me because I had to
write a letter, I had to writeit.
She said write a letter of yourintentions that I will give to
the family.
She said I don't know.
This is in the beginning.
She says I don't know if she'sstill alive, I don't know
anything, but is there anythingthat you want to say?
And I wrote a letter and thefirst thing I said was I want to
(54:46):
say thank you For giving birthto me, thank you for choosing to
Give me up for adoption so Ican have a chance at life.
Speaker 2 (54:59):
On a flip side, the Commonwealth is not that bad
Because New Jersey, yeah, I hadto write no letter, you know.
Plus, your story is differentbecause your mother was younger
and then back then they sent himaway.
(55:21):
That wasn't the case for mymother.
She already had two kids, shewas married, she was 19.
So I don't have a file.
Mine was one page notidentifiable information, two
pages, you know, notidentifiable information.
It was a summary of what sheclaims that she didn't say.
(55:48):
But who else would get thatinformation?
But okay, so that's completelydifferent and each state is
different.
Speaker 1 (56:00):
Yeah, each state is different.
Speaker 2 (56:01):
Each state is different and how the adoption
came about is different.
So you just never know, becausein New Jersey all firsts are
sealed.
Firsts are sealed when you'readopted.
It just passed legislation,maybe.
Speaker 1 (56:23):
So it's sealed to a point when you can't get it open
.
Speaker 2 (56:25):
Correct the only way.
Well, you can now, okay, butwhen I first started you?
Well, you don't need.
Not only do you have topetition the court anymore, but
the law was before you wouldhave to either be birth mother
or the adoptive parents canpetition the court, oh wow.
Speaker 1 (56:42):
So you, as the adopter, you don't even have the
right.
Speaker 2 (56:45):
Not even an adult adoptee.
I have no rights, but now wecan.
Okay, but when I startedlooking, I was able to get not
identifiable information.
Okay, but I couldn't get myoriginal birth certificate.
Did you get it?
I did?
Okay, that's another story,right?
Speaker 1 (57:04):
Right, that's a whole different conversation.
That's a whole differentconversation, yeah, but that's,
that's my journey and how Ifound out, and it's still.
You know answers to be,questions to be asked.
You know answers to be revealed.
I'm still in my journey.
The blessing is that a lot ofthe players are still there.
Speaker 2 (57:27):
That is a blessing, right, that is a blessing.
Speaker 1 (57:29):
Biological mom is still alive.
My biological father has passed, so I don't have a lot of
answers in that regard.
Do you know that for sure thathe's passed away?
Speaker 2 (57:39):
Yes, okay, we'll talk about that one in a different,
because it could be allegedlypassed away if they don't want
the person.
Speaker 1 (57:50):
Well, I've done some research and I saw the obituary.
Okay, you know, it was it.
So you've seen facts.
I've seen facts and you know,to look at them, I'm like, yeah,
I can see it.
And then, yeah, we'll see.
Speaker 2 (58:02):
Okay, all right.
So from your journey, whatcould, what takeaways could you,
you know, give someone elsethat might be in the same
position that you are in?
Speaker 1 (58:14):
I always say the first thing is really come to
terms with if you want to knowthe truth Because, as much as I
was excited, you know whathappens on the flip side if you
get information that you don'twant to hear, what happens if
you're rejected.
So you have to come to termswith the reality that you
(58:36):
anything may happen, Becausewhat would have happened if
birth mom says that ain't neverhappened, Right?
So now you have to deal withthat rejection of not being
validated, Right?
You know what I'm saying.
So you have to be real sober inpursuing on this journey.
Number two, I would say seekwise counsel about how to do it,
(59:03):
because there are a lot ofentities that will take your
money and because it is anemotional journey, you'll pay
and you don't necessarily haveto pay.
You know it's your right.
You just have to know theprocesses for the states and
things of that nature.
Do your research.
But because it's so emotional,you'll make an emotional
(59:25):
decision that you don't have to.
So you know, be prepared forthe journey, be prepared for
what may happen, the rejection,do your research.
And then, number three, I wouldsay whatever the outcome,
whatever the journey, seek somecounsel, seek some professional
(59:50):
counseling, because knowing whatwe know now is a level of
trauma.
Speaker 2 (59:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (59:58):
You know, because that normalcy that you've had
for however long, when it isinterrupted and redefined, it's
a change Right, good, bad orindifferent it's a change.
And going to somebody from aprofessional lens to help you
(01:00:20):
identify, understand and managethe change is beneficial Because
it's not always a negative,it's not always a positive,
sometimes it's just the facts.
And now you're left to navigatethis space.
I would just encourage you know, really seeking out counseling
and getting our culture.
We look at counseling from anegative standpoint Because we
(01:00:44):
want afforded opportunities.
Two, and I just think over time, as mental health has become
more relevant in our society,it's become more normalized to
go to counseling and seekassistance.
Speaker 2 (01:00:56):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:00:57):
You know there used to be negative connotations of
you're going to see a shrink andall these different negative
things, Whereas now it should belooked at the same as you get a
tune up on your car.
Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
Yeah, it's more acceptable now, yeah, more
acceptable.
A lot becomes more acceptableafter 2020.
Speaker 1 (01:01:17):
You ain't lying, because that was traumatic for
everybody.
Speaker 2 (01:01:22):
Yes, so it is definitely more acceptable.
Yeah, I'm a strong believer incounseling.
I'm a advocate as well.
I'm an advocate for it as well.
Speaker 1 (01:01:30):
So, yeah, that's my journey.
Speaker 2 (01:01:32):
Wow, that was amazing , amazing, and that's from a
seven year old.
Speaker 1 (01:01:37):
Right, that's from a seven year old and that's what I
can remember.
I'm sure there were otherthings.
Yeah, that took place, you know, and as I continue to share it
and just walk in this truth, I'msure more stuff will be
revealed, but those were thehighlighted blueprints or
indicators for this journey, formy story.
Speaker 2 (01:01:54):
Wow.
So you can see, we both havethat commonality of being
adopted, but our stories aretotally different, totally
different.
Everybody's story is not thesame, but we understand
everyone's journey.
Speaker 1 (01:02:11):
That's right.
We respect everyone's journey.
That's the key you got torespect and embrace the journey.
Speaker 2 (01:02:19):
Yes, that's the key.
So that's it for this episodeof so I'm Adopted.
Stay tuned for our next one.
I think we're going to I don'tknow what we're going to talk
about next time.
Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
I mean, you know we will see.
Yeah, we'll see.
It's organic, the discussionsare organic and, you know, the
main thing is that we're stillin that place where we talked
about that acceptance, because,you know, we gave the journey,
but the emotional responses, youknow, your emotional response
when you first found out wasdifferent from when you didn't
(01:03:00):
know it.
It's like you're going in thisdirection, but then for me, at
seven years old versus 47 yearsold, you know, and then as you
find out more information, youknow, do you get angry, are you
happy, are you indifferent?
Right, you know?
Have you suppressed it to apoint where that's not even
(01:03:23):
something I talk about because Ineed to stay in this space?
Yep.
Speaker 2 (01:03:28):
And next time we're going to talk about when we
first met our birth mothers.
Yeah, that's a that's going tobe good.
Yeah, that's, that's a story initself, all by itself, all by
itself, and we finally met ourbirth mothers.
So thanks for watching.
(01:03:49):
I hope this has encouraged youand given you hope in some way,
and until next time.
Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
So we are adopted.
Thank you for listening to theso I'm Adopted podcast.
We hope that this wasinformative and educational.
You can follow us on Instagramand Facebook at so I'm Adopted.
Also, subscribe to our YouTubepage so I'm adopted.
(01:04:19):
And again, thank you forlistening and until next time,
make the choice to begin yourhealing journey.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.