Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You think Joseph is going to run around telling well
, listen, my daddy didn't.
You know, he's not really greatat relationships, he can't
stand to be alone, so he'llmarry anybody.
He'll marry Baker's daughter.
He'll marry the vineyard downthe street's daughter.
He'll hook up with some rando.
He's just not that.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, welcome, or welcome back
to Soap Lord, the officialgathering place for newbies,
(00:23):
novices and OG Jaihar fans ofthe Golden Age of Primetime.
I'm your host, chet.
I'm viewing and reviewing thesoapiest, sexiest primetime
storylines of 1984-1985.
So, whether you're new to thisor to this, please sit back and
enjoy.
Tell the kids it's time to playoutside or out of sight kids,
(00:46):
it's time to play outside or outof sight.
So, babe, no questions,suggestions or concerns.
In the next 30 to 45 minutes,everyone else in the air shot
cool, quiet or kicked out.
Are you on the option?
Do that, choose wisely, becausewe are watching our stories.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, this is SoFloor.
(01:11):
Hello, gorgeous, welcome backto another fun-filled edition of
SoFloor.
I hope your day is shaping upwell and I hope you understand
(01:38):
that I really mean that I'm notgoing to sit here and wax
poetics about how I want my soapfiends to be at their best,
living your absolute best life.
But I am sitting here watchingDevil's Harvest, which is season
4, episode 25.
I cannot believe.
We're on episode 25 of FalconCrest and something suddenly
occurred to me.
We live in the age of thealgorithm and I feel like I'm
being plotted against.
I feel like Amazon is now myops.
What I'm finding when I'mwatching my shows on Amazon
(02:00):
obviously, this is where I watchFalcon Crest.
Amazon has a sense of humor.
Amazon has submitted to thedark side.
Do you know that I came here towatch season four?
Amen, I've been watching seasonfour for how many months at
this point, do you know thatAmazon threw me into season
seven?
Now, granted, nothing wasspoiled.
(02:23):
I figured out pretty quickly bytheir clothes and what I was
hearing.
It was like wait a minute, thisis not.
This is not the episode I leftoff on.
Amazon is out to sabotage you.
So I I have a.
I don't want to direct people inthe wrong way.
You need to be extra diligent.
If you were a newbie watchingthese shows, I mean, you're not
like me, unless you're doing apodcast, you could probably just
(02:44):
binge it, but this is soupsetting I got in the middle of
season seven of Falcon Crestand I was like, wait a minute,
what the hell?
Who are these people?
I saw a couple familiar facesbut I didn't know what was
happening.
There was like a whole hostagesituation.
Anyway, that has nothing to dowith how your day is flowing.
(03:05):
I hope your day is flowing well.
I am sitting back.
I have regrouped.
We're going to jump into one ortwo pieces of fan mail.
Go ahead and pour yourselfsomething bubbly and bright and
delicious.
We are watching season four,episode 25 of Falcone Crust,
Devil's Harvest.
(03:25):
So this fan mail comes fromMari.
She says I just wanted to say Ilove your Dallas crash episode.
I was kind of young when Iwatched it, like around 11 or 10
years old when I used to watchthe show with my grandma.
So the memory is a little bitfuzzy.
Still, something about Gary andValene stuck with me.
(03:53):
I continued to watch this showthroughout my teen and early
adult years and I was alwaysrooting for them.
They always felt different fromthe rest of the cast, even if I
don't totally understand why atthe time.
If I didn't totally understandwhy at the time, I was didn't
totally understand why at thetime.
I was wondering now that you'rethree seasons into the spinoff,
how do you feel about Gary andValene?
Thanks for keeping the vintagevibes alive and making it all so
(04:17):
fun to revisit.
I'm definitely tuning in formore lore.
Thank you, madi, okay.
Okay.
So I'm assuming Madi has juststarted watching and I gotta be
honest with you, I don't alwaysremember what I said before.
Call it perimenopause, call itjust being an adult person, I
(04:39):
don't really remember.
But Gary and Val, there'salways been something that stuck
out to me a little strangely.
So I don't mean to bore youguys, if you've already been a
show, fan of the show and listento all the episodes we are
nearing 300 I am justflabbergasted.
We're gonna have to do agiveaway or something.
But, um, initially gary and valdidn't really stand out to me.
(05:02):
Maybe Gary did, because Ithought it was interesting that
there was another Ewing who hadwalked away.
That was me walking into thisblind.
I thought Gary was superinteresting that he walked away,
but then when I saw the waythat he behaved when there was a
challenge, I thought, okay,that makes sense.
I can tell you with fullintegrity, I did not expect to
(05:27):
see that character ever, ever,ever, ever again.
I assumed it was a first season.
We're just kind of throwingspaghetti against the wall to
see what sticks.
I didn't think there'd beanything else to learn about
Gary Ewing.
As far as Val, all I rememberis I called her every name in
(05:49):
the book Vanita, vaseline,vidalia and I will continue to
do so.
Her name is Vidalia as far asI'm concerned, but I just
remember she was kind of spacedout.
I felt like she was kind ofcracked out in a lot of the
earlier episodes.
Again, I thought this was athrowaway character.
Even though this was Lucy's mom.
I didn't really consider thatshe would be on the show more
(06:11):
than once.
So I am assuming there's a lotof assuming here.
And when I saw the episodewhere Gary had come back and a
it was Shackleford and notAykroyd I was like that's weird.
But I mean it makes sense andsoap operas people come and they
go.
You need relatives, it's okay.
(06:33):
I didn't really think much of it.
I thought it'd be a one or doneor I thought they would be.
I actually thought they wouldbe a part of the cast of Dallas.
So when they said Nos Landing,I damn near fainted.
If you watch that episode.
If you listen to that episode,you already know I didn't take
it well.
(06:54):
One of my toxic traits is thatmy knee jerk reaction is really,
really heavy on the jerk.
It's like 20% reaction, 80%jerk.
But I think that's justlearning the information.
It's just in my wildest dreams.
I had never fathomed that Garywould be interesting enough to
(07:15):
have an entire spinoff on, and Ithink that's the beauty of
watching these shows so much.
Later I remembered Knot'sLanding, cause that was my
aunt's favorite show.
I used to confuse Noxzema andKnott's Landing all the time,
but when I um went to likeGoogle it or just figure out
when the season started, eventhough they had pictures of the
(07:36):
cast, it didn't make me anynevermind, because I don't know
who these people were and itdidn't click.
I'm realizing this as I'msaying this.
It didn't click to me that thatwas going to be Gary and
Darlene.
I didn't recognize.
I just didn't recognize them.
I think when you're experiencingthings in real time you're not
noting all of the details.
So how don't feel like they'restar-crossed lovers?
(07:58):
I think they are people who meteach other at the right time.
They had a good moment and thenthey had a terrible moment
after that.
I think Gary was looking forsomething he couldn't really
(08:20):
handle.
He wasn't man enough to take,so he bounced, bounced.
I think valine was running tosomething she thought would be
more secure ie the ewing familyand it didn't just work out.
So when I have never reallybought the knots landing spinoff
that they were so in love andthey fell in love with each
other because when we saw themon dallas gary was still.
(08:42):
He didn't want his family toknow.
So there's always kind of beena just I don't know.
I've never really bought intoit very much.
And what I think about them nowis that these are people who
have been apart for many, manyyears.
I think they have grown.
I don't know what theirrelationship was before, but I
(09:03):
can imagine at 15, and I don'tknow how old he was 17, 18, 19.
I don't know.
They're different people.
I think they are both holdingon to a dream.
I think they are holding on tothe one person who might have
had some belief in them or giventhem some security.
I think in Valene's case thiswas the most secure relationship
(09:24):
she thought she ever had, and Ithink in Gary's case this was
the first time someone believedin him and saw something else in
him Going forward.
I think it's inevitable.
I think they are differentpeople and I don't know.
You're not the same person at15 as you are at 30.
You're just not.
So time will tell.
(09:46):
Time would tell.
Remember, if you have an opinionor thought or even a bit of
trivia that you want to sharewith me, I'm always open to hear
that.
You can reach out in the shownotes.
If you're listening to this onyour mobile device.
In the show notes, one of thefirst lines you should see is
send us a text.
You can send me a text and tellme your thoughts and I will be
(10:07):
sure to share them on the air.
With your permission, if youare a little more old school,
like myself and most of mylisteners, go ahead and send me
an email.
You can send me an email toSoapLorePodcast at gmailcom.
That is S-O-A-P, l-o-r-e-p-o-d,c-a-s-t at gmailcom, short
(10:33):
version.
I'm not really buying into theirsuper, super love story.
However, that does not mean youget to disrespect the Vidalia
Onion Queen Period.
Blink, blink.
I'm going to act a teetotalfool If I show it out before I'm
going to show out again.
I don't appreciate disrespect.
Period, all right, devil'sHarvest.
This episode starts off in theaftermath of Lance's conviction.
(10:57):
Not only was he convicted oftrying to kill his grandmother
via vehicular manslaughter ormurder, he was sentenced to
seven years, which seems kind ofharsh.
But when you pay off judges youget a longer sentence.
Angela's big piss, and I thinkthis is an interesting moment of
character development.
(11:18):
Now I have noticed that anytimeshe's going to flip or she's
going to turn heel even morethan she is, she's always
wearing red.
It's usually some form of polkadots.
This episode she opens the showin a gray business suit with a
black and yellow polka dot top.
Of course she's got the littlepocket, whatever it's called.
(11:40):
Listen, I don't dress up enoughto know, but she big mad, she
cannot believe that hergrandbaby, her heir to the
throne, is going to prison.
Not just jail, not the countyclink.
He's going to big prison withbig criminals, with big egos,
with big God knows what else,and he's going to have to fend
(12:00):
for himself while in said prison.
So the media is swarming likeflies on doo-doo.
They are all over the place.
They're all on her personalproperty.
How they got to her porch, Ican't even imagine you would
think someone like AngelaChanning big perm would have
people with Tommy guns and allthat.
But that's not the case.
Not the case at all.
(12:21):
They pull up to her front doorand she's pissed.
She Not the case at all.
They pull up to her front doorand she's pissed.
She has had more than enough ofthis.
So when Maggie walks in, she'seven more pissed off, because
not only is Maggie someone sheknows, maggie is oppressed.
All she sees is red.
What are you doing here, maggie?
Maggie's like listen, I don'tbelieve Lance is guilty any more
than you do.
(12:41):
We need to figure this out Now.
This is sadly, some of the worstacting in this entire episode.
This is some bad acting.
Lorraine comes up here, comeswhimsical Emma and they're all
like Lance is innocent.
Maggie has been defending himfrom the beginning.
I can't understand why Lorraineflip-flops from decent to just
(13:04):
abysmal T-Rash with a capital T.
The acting is trash and Angelaain't trying to hear it All.
Y'all get the hell out of myface.
She says and Maggie's likelisten, not everybody's against
you, big Ang.
Not everybody wants your perm.
I'm just trying to tell you Idon't believe that Lance is
guilty.
I walked over here to say thatfor my castle.
(13:26):
I'm gonna leave, since youacting up and angela's like good
, get out, don't get listen.
No matter how intriguing thisepisode is, we have got to get
through these with the quicknessbecause there's so many.
So we'll start with the bigplayers, per usual Lance.
Lance has been convicted of acrime that he did not commit.
(13:49):
We all know, as the audience,it was Florida man, george, not
George which is named Joel, buthe's nowhere to be found.
Sadly he does not reappear onthis episode.
But somehow, some miracleprobably the privilege of wealth
Lance is let out on bail.
I'd be remiss if I didn't quoteTupac.
(14:12):
Lance is out on bail, fresh outof jail, california scheming
Soon as he stepped on the scene.
He's hearing who she's fiendingfiending for money and alcohol.
I'm going to stop robbing onthe scene.
He's hearing hoochies feedingfeeding for money and alcohol.
I'm gonna stop.
I think it's hoochie screaming,feeding for money and alcohol.
(14:32):
But that's neither here northere.
Either way, this is a richcalifornia man, fresh out of
jail, out on bail.
Angela channing cannot believethat her money, her influence,
her perm, her polka dots, herwine badassery has not earned
her the privilege of gettingthis kid off scot-free.
(14:53):
So what does she do?
She leans on her pseudo husband, chow Lee.
Chow Lee does not get enoughattention on this series.
If I'm being quite honest, chowLee is her confidant.
Chow Lee is about the same ageas her.
They have tea every morning,they have tea every night.
He knows all of her deep, darksecrets.
He knows where the body isburied.
(15:13):
So who else could she lean onin order to get some sort of
finagling situation?
Or her grandson?
So the plan is thrown.
Lance is fresh out of jail, outon bail.
He's supposed to come back tothe mansion and then he's going
to disappear.
Now let Angela tell it.
She and he were having a littleconversation.
(15:36):
She goes to put her cold creamon.
Next thing she knows she hearssome sort of vague sports car
motor in the background.
She realizes her grandson isgone.
Boom, we don't know where he at.
We won't do, won't.
The reality is she decidedLance, you're going to go to a
(15:57):
neighborhood in San Fran andyou're going to hide out with
some of Charlie's cousins.
Now Lance is a six foot threeman who needs to hide out.
So he is hidden in an apartmentthat belongs to someone in Chow
Lee's family.
It seems like it's a second orthird cousin, someone not super
important.
The only problem is the personwho was supposed to be guarding
(16:19):
Lance is about his age.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, can you tell me what
happens when a 23-year-old manis convicted of a crime?
He is let out on bail, freshout of jail, california scheming
he gets put in an apartment andhis protector, or his guard, is
also a 23-year-old man who'snot fresh out of jail, but he is
(16:42):
California scheming.
How long do you think it'sgoing to take before these two
23 year old males in California,early eighties, are going to go
to the video arcade, they'regoing to go to the strip club,
they're going to go to Vegas,they're going to run amok.
So eventually, what has tohappen is we get the cute little
young guy garden Lance.
(17:02):
We get Lance behind bars orbehind a bedroom door, bored out
of his mind, waiting on Godknows what.
This was a really poor out plan, poorly thought out plan.
Now that I think about it, ifhe skips bail, the only future
he has is an arrest and prison.
There's no way to.
(17:24):
I mean, this is the soap operatax we're going to have to
swallow in order to accept thisstoryline If you skip bail.
I can't believe that the judgeis going to be like oh okay,
well, yeah, maybe you wereinnocent, blase, blase.
That's not going to happen.
But that's the plan.
Angela wants to go ahead andtrack down the real culprit so
(17:45):
that her son, her grandson, canbe acquitted.
Only, he's locked in a room.
They got another 23 year oldguarding him.
It is only a matter of timebefore the two of them paint the
town red.
So what they have to do isbring in a bigger dude, dirt
dude, one of chile's older orolder uncle.
Somebody has to come in andbasically keep Lance in this
(18:07):
room.
It's not all that interesting.
It is also worth noting thatLance thought he was going to be
able to work remotely andAlthough this works on Dallas
when JR was shot up, it does notwork on Falcon Crest because he
is a criminal.
See, that's the whole gotcha,gotcha.
If you want to work remotely,it can't be with like an ankle
(18:30):
monitor on.
If you can believe it, we gotLeather Pants Pam, who I've
never really categorized.
I would.
I feel like she's an antiheromore than she is a bad girl, but
trust and believe she has thosetendencies.
You have to if you're going tobe working for Richard.
All this time.
She gets it in her head that,hmm, I have put together what
(18:52):
has really gone wrong with Lance, who really went after Angela
and I know exactly who I canblackmail.
So she walks into Melissa'soffice and she says, hey fool,
guess what?
Um chick like me, you know, Ihave a checkered past.
You know what I'm saying.
I have things that aren't goingquite right in my life.
(19:13):
I think you're going to fund mynew lifestyle.
I'm ready to turn a new leaf.
I'm ready for for a newlifestyle and I think you're
going to be the person to fundthat.
Melissa scoffs as one would.
Why would you even come in here?
Love the pants, pam.
By the way, it's 90 degreesoutside.
(19:34):
You don't have no shorts.
You don't have a dress.
What's really good, ladies andgentlemen, boys and girls, this
is jet, giving you the essenceof a scene as opposed to the
verbatim dialogue.
Well, pam says to melissa mel,you know, that's real cute.
I, I admire, I admire your badgirlery.
But um, what if I decided toswish, swish, swish down to
(19:57):
angela's office and I told herhave you ever heard the name,
Joel McCarthy?
Would you be interested inknowing that Joel McCarthy was
hired by a little pop tart whotries to be you.
How would that wreck yourfuture, melissa?
This is what I think is goingto happen.
(20:17):
I think you're going to give me$100,000 and maybe I'll keep my
mouth quiet, maybe I don't haveanything to say if anybody asks
me about it.
Melissa cannot believe thatshe's getting blackmailed.
But, honestly, bad girl maleemail.
I give her grace because she isa new villain.
(20:38):
She is learning.
She is still banking on heryouth, which we all know is a
new villain.
She is learning.
She is still banking on heryouth, which we all know is a
losing game.
You have to build strategy andyou know what this is just
character building for her.
Cover all your bases.
She should have gotten rid ofJoel McCarvey on her own,
because this just keeps addingup, keeps adding up, adding up.
Okay, so, fiends, I got alittle bit beside myself.
(20:59):
Finish the episode.
Here are the key takeawaysCassandra you remember Cassandra
right, she's a whole ad agency.
She's a person that Richard hashis eye on.
He's done a little bit of herbackground, but nothing's coming
up.
What I know now is that this isnot that uncommon, surprisingly
(21:21):
, up until about 1995-ish.
You could probably fake yourexistence for quite a while.
But Cassandra is a smart woman.
She and her brother Damon, akaRiker from the USS Enterprise
and Jean-Luc Picard's firstcaptain, or whatever he was.
They're brother and sister.
They have a vision, they have aplan that they need to enact
(21:44):
before people start to realizewho they are.
Now this episode.
We don't necessarily get anycloser to finding out who they
are, but we do get to see a deepdive into their past via one
dream and one visitation.
So at the top of the episode wesee Cassandra having a meeting
(22:04):
with I can't remember the nameof the whole the.
This mixes into Chase's story alittle bit.
So let's just be a little bitvague.
Right now Cassandra has put abug in the ear of a major
contributor Think like a Targetor Walmart and she's saying hey,
you need to get in bed withFalcon Crest, you need their
(22:24):
product in your stores.
This will be wonderful, forthis will expand your sort of
refined side and it'll help themtoo.
So meetings are had XYZ.
We'll get to that when we talkabout Chase.
She's pretty proud of herselfand when Lassie left she was
still leading Richard on.
(22:45):
She had left him not once, buttwice.
He tried to kiss her after darkat the racetracks when everyone
else had left.
She let it go.
He tried to invite her.
He wanted to take her to lunchor something.
She pretended like she hadsomething to do.
Well, it's gotten to the pointwhere she can't keep putting off
Richard.
She needs to go ahead and playalong so she can continue her
(23:06):
proximity with Falcon Crest.
So they go to dinner.
They're having a wonderful timeand he brings up something
about her brother.
Now Richard has clocked thather brother seems way more
interested in Angela Channingthan he does Richard's whimsical
baby sister, emma.
I like that.
(23:27):
I like that about Richard.
Richard and Emma have always hada wonderful relationship.
So he's like what's up withyour bro?
Is he into older women?
No judgment, I just have my owntorrid affair with an older
woman.
So I mean, I get it.
Is that his thing?
Maybe we can double date.
He can go with Ange, I can gowith Francesca and Cassandra's
(23:47):
like no, no, no, no, no.
Richard, I have eight magicwords for you.
Why don't we go and you makelove to me?
I know that's nine words, Iforgot the original eight, but
the basic concept of what she'ssaying is I'm ready to be ready
to receive.
And Richard forgot everythinghe said about Riker, emma and
(24:12):
good old big perm, angelaChanning.
They go home, they make sweet,sweet love.
Here's the thing you cancontrol all things when you're
conscious.
When you're unconscious, it'swild, wild west.
Cassandra forgot that she hasthese nightmares.
So post coitus, they're lyingin bed asleep.
She starts having a flashbackslash nightmare about some fire
(24:38):
where we hear that carry voicecassandraandra, cassandra,
they're all going to laugh atyou.
Only now we see Cassandracoughing in the fire and we see
a younger boy with her.
We all know that is Riker fromthe USS Enterprise, aka Damon.
She's still keeping the secret,so she's sweating, she's being
(25:00):
uncomfortable, but of courseshe's unconscious keeping the
secret.
So she's sweating, she's beinguncomfortable, but of course
she's unconscious.
Through all this she's none thewiser.
Richard hears this.
He wakes her up, she realizesshe had a nightmare and he goes
to comfort her.
God bless him.
It's just it's not happening.
We can't make fetch happen,richard.
There's nothing and I do meannothing comforting about Richard
(25:23):
, but that's neither here northere.
Cassandra has already put phasetwo in place.
Her brother, damon, is alreadyworking on Emma.
I suppose Damon is more of thebackup plan is what I'm
gathering from this episode.
At the end the episode, they gowalking into some sort of
institution where a nurse warnsthem not to try nothing.
(25:46):
Funny, she's not in the moodtoday.
She's worked 12 hours.
She's got things to do.
Don't go in here harassingy'all's mama.
Room 207 is open.
They walk in and we see a womanin a wheelchair, a motorized
wheelchair, which means she's asupervillain.
Can we just admit that?
We all know.
Anyone who's watched TV in thelast 60 years knows that if you
(26:09):
have a mobile chair or amotorized chair, you're a
supervillain.
Name me three good guys in amotorized chair.
I'll wait.
Exactly, mama messed around andpassed out before they got
there.
So she's asleep, but she isdraped in a veil, she's got on a
(26:31):
hat, she's fully covered, whichleads me to believe that she
was probably burned pretty badlyin the fire.
However, before she passed outfor her afternoon nap, she was
able to write out the final planin destroying Angela Big Perm
Channing.
In my mind, because I like tobe playful, it probably means
(26:51):
she diluted her activator.
She has increased the size ofthe rollers to create some sort
of insecurity in Ange.
Maybe she sent some loveletters to ronald, I don't know.
It's one of those things.
But all we see is a final plan.
There is a small ream of paperthat reads the destruction of
(27:13):
falcon crest, final phase.
Mother has scribbled this out.
Mother has a desire.
Mother says piss or get off thepot.
I must say I am quite takenaback by this sort of late entry
.
But who's to say it doesn'tbuild upon season five?
(27:33):
I don't know, what do we have?
We have six episodes left inseason four of Falcon Crest.
There is a potentially burnedwoman scorned with two children
who are wealthy and capable andgorgeous and able to seduce.
Who's to say?
What will become of us?
(27:53):
I don't know, but I do knowthat I am here for it.
Let's get to the Gia Berti,because I suspect that the Gia
Berti men are getting a littlebit bored.
They like a little bit ofattention.
Are we noticing weak moralshere?
You be the judge.
So remember when I told you thatCassandra had a hand in this
(28:16):
whole let's call it Walmartslash Target deal.
She's been sleeping with thisguy named Brad.
Brad owns the Walmart slashTarget thing and it's very clear
to us, the audience, not him,because Brad is dense and older
that she's not really interestedin him.
She's like dude I'm so busy Ican't really have a relationship
(28:37):
and he's like Cassandra I needmore of your attention, I need
more of your time.
I need more of your time.
I need more of your affection.
It's not really working out.
Her only plan with him is thatshe needs to get with him in
order to make this whole dealhappen with Falcon Crest.
What she wants is Falcon Crestto basically get in bed with
Brad, who is his majorconglomerate.
(28:59):
Now, if they take the deal,they're going to be on
everything.
They're going to be on cruises,they're going to be on airlines
, they're going to be everywhere.
They will be the wine in thecountry.
They will be the major supplierfor this particular brand.
So Brad, during a meeting withthe rest of the gang, tells them
that we bought out $60 millionworth of wine last year.
(29:21):
You're not going to find abetter deal for this.
We just need to understand thatyou have the facilities and you
have the capabilities ofmeeting our product needs.
No leases, no options, nodollars down, no dollars a week.
So Chase is very uncomfortablebecause he's like this is a
major fortune.
This ain't like 50 cents orwhatever.
This is way bigger than any ofus have ever gotten in bed with.
(29:45):
Here's the thing Richard andAngela are saving face.
They don't want to admit thatthey may or may not have the
funds, or they may or may nothave the logistic capabilities
of producing all this wine.
That's.
All you need to reallyunderstand is that this has
created this weird sort ofstandoff between the three of
(30:07):
them, between Angela, betweenRichard and between Chase.
Now Chase is coming in.
Chase is the newest of money heis still, even though he's got
the heritage.
He's vaguely new to this, whileAngela is true to this and
Richard understands business.
This is a wonderful time toreiterate that, if this whole
(30:32):
tango doesn't take place, thereis a backup plan.
Cassandra and her littlebrother Damon, aka Riker, from
the USS Enterprise, have abackup plan.
Cassandra and her littlebrother, damon, aka Riker, from
the USS Enterprise, have abackup plan.
Riker is backup, cassandra ismain plan.
They don't really need to worryabout that, because this is a
show of egos.
Who has the biggest ego?
(30:53):
Angela is probably the onlyperson who could actually afford
this.
She could write a checktomorrow and be fine.
Richard is in debt Now she knowsthis, so she pushes the deal
forward.
Her whole thought is I knowthat Richard can't afford it
because he is Douglas's bastardand a Nazi baby sympathizer and
(31:14):
his mama didn't leave him noreal money like that.
He is not true to this like Iam.
He can't really afford it.
I know my nephew can't reallyafford to like that either.
So if they take the deal, shehas the option of buying them
out.
Richard and Chase are both awareof this.
Chase is really reallystruggling with this Now.
Richard being a businessman, heknows how to maneuver around
(31:37):
debt.
That's not a big deal.
Plus, he's been a bad guy forlike 20 years.
Who cares?
Chase, on the other hand, issweating bullets.
He feels like Angela andRichard are moving into this
quite quickly.
He doesn't have a chance togain his footing.
So he tells Maggie about it.
Maggie's like screw them, startyour own vineyard.
(31:57):
Your mom left you more thanenough money to start your own
vineyard.
You've done this than enoughmoney to start your own vineyard
.
You've done this long enough.
And it's like he, his pride, isin the way.
It's like I said before, thisis this is a pissing contest for
lack of a better term betweenrichard, angela and chase.
He can't back down.
Now.
The funny thing about this wholesituation is connie and
giannini is in the mix notbecause she cares about Falcon
(32:21):
Crest, not because she caresabout the production of their
wine in any way with HeliosHelios is the name of the group,
so Helios is a Walmart slashTarget.
She doesn't really care aboutthat.
But she starts to gain intelfrom Cole inadvertently, because
Cole is not really clockingthat.
She wants his dad in that way,but it's like she sees an end.
(32:44):
So she and Cole are chilling inthe office and he is getting
coffee from this machine.
That has really distracted me.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls.
I am a you know, oldermillennial.
I understand how to work acoffee pot.
I use a Keurig on the daily.
I understand how to work acoffee pot.
I use a Keurig on daily.
There is some sort of hybridmachine circa 1985 that I had no
(33:05):
idea existed.
Did you guys have Keurigsbefore this?
I took a picture like what thehell is this?
There's a whole machine thatCole gets coffee from, but it's
got its own little personalstate.
I don't know.
I literally have never seenanything like that up until now.
But the whole point is Connie,now that she's back working for
(33:28):
Fox and Crush, she's justgaining intel.
Cole, how is your mom and dad'smarriage?
Cole is so dense that hedoesn't understand what she's
really asking.
So he's like, yeah, they getalong great.
But you know, just like anyother marriage, they have their
issues.
They have trouble from now on.
Why would you say that that isnobody's business?
If some woman outside of yourmother asks you about your daddy
(33:52):
, you don't have anything to sayother than he is the happiest
man he's ever been in his lifebecause of my mommy period,
point blank.
You think Joseph is going to runaround telling well, listen, my
daddy didn't.
You know he's not really greatat relationships.
He can't stand to be alone, sohe'll marry anybody.
He'll marry Baker's daughter.
He'll marry the vineyard downthe streets daughter.
He'll hook up with some rando.
(34:12):
He's just not that disciplined.
He's very irrational.
How would he like it if Josephdid an expose?
How would he feel, nevermindall that, when Chase told Maggie
about the financial situation,they would be hitting it with
Helios and that he didn't reallyhave the money like that.
But he didn't want to feel likethe broke boy.
It wasn't that she wasn'tsupportive.
(34:33):
She was just like, okay, well,to hell with them, go ahead and
start your own thing.
You got this.
Chase gave this great big,boisterous speech about this is
my grandfather's land and hisheritage, and ill.
But when Connie Giannini comesthrough, she says the exact same
thing, only she does it in red.
All of a sudden he's like yeah,yeah, I think you're right,
(34:56):
connie.
She affirms that you know, theHelio seal could be risky.
She understands that, hey,chaseios deal could be risky.
She understands that, hey,chase, this could be troublesome
to your mind.
I understand that, but I wantto reiterate what you told me.
You told me be true to yourselfand your heritage Chase.
So I'm going to tell you thattoo.
And Chase is like oh, you knowwhat about the fulfillment?
I don't know if I could reallydo this.
(35:17):
So this place is all about wehave our heritages.
Heritages start somewhere.
I could really do this.
So this place is all about wehave our heritages.
Heritages, start somewhere.
I could launch my own thing.
What if I was a patriarch ofAviator Adonis, wine and coke?
She's like well, I wouldsupport you.
Then he's like well, thank youso much for your advice and your
support.
She tells him she's justreturning the favor.
All this was a clever ploy toreach down and give a kiss on
(35:40):
his cheek.
Now here's the thing about soapoperas that sort of pisses me
off is that there's always sortof this revisionist history when
things don't flow as smoothlyas they should.
I have never noticed this onFalcon Crest, but I don't know.
There's something about thisbeing 30 episodes long, as
moving away from the Nazi goldtreasure hunter storyline into
(36:03):
this new storyline, that feelslike there's you've got to
bridge the gap.
There's got to be some stringsthat attach the old story to the
new story.
And I suppose this is it, but Idon't know.
He seems interested in her tome.
He definitely seems interestedin her to me.
A couple of other sprinklesAngela Channing, who knows where
her grandson is this whole time, is walking around with her
(36:26):
perm blown out.
She's got it framed her faceperfectly.
She's wearing fur in the middleof California with riding
gloves, just to piss people off.
She's being tailed by the cops.
She pulls her car over on theway to worship the Lord, amen.
And she says look, officer, doyou want to come with me to
confession?
You think Lance is a priest now.
(36:47):
You think you're going to besitting in the confession booth.
Go on and follow me if you wantto, but make sure you clock the
spur.
This is real baby.
This ain't no cashmere, this is, this is fur.
All that and I do mean all thatfabulousness, because I have to
give her her props pales incomparison to the story of
Melissa, bad girl Ligretti andher new beau, chase Giaberti.
(37:09):
You want to talk about a rockand hard place?
I got a dilemma for you.
So, teens, we've been in aninteresting territory.
On the last episode, wediscussed how Balen's intuition
led her to believe that maybe,just maybe, abby cunningham,
innocent baby sister of thedeceased sister-in-law of the
(37:29):
over-the-top karen, might be aproblem.
She followed that intuition toabby's front door, confronted
her and we'll see where thechips lie after that.
The result Zod and Zod ofFalcon Crest is not very
different from that, but not inthe way you expect.
You expect the quote unquotegood guys to have that intuition
.
This is what happens when otherpeople have that.
(37:49):
See, intuition is not arespecter of persons.
This happens when inspirationhits and if people are receptive
enough to it, they makedecisions from it.
Enter Cousin Robin.
Now Cousin Robin is a co-ed whohas decided school's not really
for her.
She's sleeping in the house ofher rich favorite cousin, almost
(38:15):
sister, melissa Gray.
Now on the previous episodes, Ibelieve that cousin Robin must
be a cousin from mommy's side,because I thought maybe they had
different last names.
That's not the case.
So it was seen in the Agredifamily line that Melissa's
father chose to start a winevineyard and Robin's father did
(38:40):
not, hence one of them beingvery wealthy, one of them being
very poor.
It doesn't seem to make much ofa difference.
There doesn't seem to be anyanimosity so far.
I can assure you with fullconfidence.
I have not moved on past thisepisode.
This is my observation as ofepisode 24.
But the thing is, you don'talways need animosity to go for
(39:03):
the things you want.
Cousin Robin has shown up on thescene and she can sense that
something is a little askew.
You'll remember that Melissahas recently discovered that she
is no longer able to bearchildren.
Now, she had an inkling itwasn't a fact.
She had no reason to doublecheck to make sure it was a fact
or anything, until recentlywhen her new husband, old flame
(39:26):
cole, decides that he wants morechildren.
Joseph is great, he's anamazing child, but it'd be great
to expand our family.
So melissa does the mostirrational thing there is to do,
because she's on a soap opera.
She starts looking foralternative ways to perhaps
bring a child into their lifenot adoption, not through, you
(39:48):
know, any other means.
She decides surrogacy is thebest bet.
But I need someone who does notlive in the Valley, somebody
who don't know all of mybusiness, and someone who kind
of has my coloring, so thatpeople will be deceived enough
to believe this is my child.
This is the speaking of a truevillain.
Okay, I don't know what she'sgoing to be later on, but I know
(40:08):
right now.
She's like let me make sure Ican fool people and be deceptive
even in the birth of a child.
So Melissa has been.
She put out an ad in the paper.
She's getting all sorts ofcreeps and weirdos answering,
but I mean she must prevail.
She keeps going through.
She has an interview on thisparticular morning and Robin is
in the room because Robin isfamily.
(40:29):
Robin is her closest confidantthat she's ever had and the
woman has given off I'mobsessive vibes.
Melissa is trying to be thepolite woman of the house.
She can't exactly say get outof here.
You're weird.
So Robin does a dirty work.
You immediately see this issort of a tag team effort.
There's love here, there'srespect here.
(40:50):
There is a conversationhappening between them even
though there is no word spoken.
The woman is escorted off thepremises by Robin, who's about
to go on her run when Cole showsup.
Here's the interesting thingfor me.
Y Robin who's about to go onher run when Cole shows up.
Here's the interesting thingfor me.
Y'all know how I feel aboutCole.
I'm not going to harp on himthis week.
For some reason I feel the needto defend people I have
previously trashed.
Do not get used to it.
(41:12):
I'm taking this as I receive it.
Cole shows up and he isliterally wearing a chef's
jacket.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls I'm speaking to the OGs
Was this a fashion statementcirca 1985 where there was a
literal chef jacket that youunbutton maybe the first two or
three buttons and you walkaround in?
(41:35):
I can remember being very youngin West Texas when the Dickies
trends hit, not just like thedickies pants those are work
pants, right but the dickiecoveralls trend hit out of
nowhere and I remember thinkingthis is, this is different.
I didn't think it was stylish,but it seemed to be popular in
my neck of the woods.
(41:56):
Is this a real thing?
Also, it reminded me of don'ttell mom the babysysitter's Dad.
When Sue Ellen had run throughall of the petty cash, she had
no choice but to have a fullextravaganza at her house so
that the buyers would buy theuniforms for the school, and
they were going to be the mosteclectic and fashion forward
(42:19):
uniforms I have ever seen in mylife.
I've never seen anythingoutside like a skort and plaid
or a polo for school uniforms.
But they were going to go allout, and one of the outfits was
her friend who was whipping upexcitement in her baker's outfit
.
Anyway, cole happens upon thiswoman who was walking out, who's
(42:41):
definitely not going to be hisbaby mother, and she's like oh
my gosh, mrs Gia Berti didn'ttell me how handsome her husband
was.
I'm sure we can make beautifulbabies.
Good, cousin, robin, shoes thiswoman off.
And she's like listen, cole,don't not get upset with my girl
.
She's just trying to find theproper surrogate mother for you.
Is that so wrong, nicole?
(43:02):
He's he again.
He's been deceived a little bit, but he is way more receptive
than he usually is to thisparticular incident, because I
think Robin is telling him this.
But here's the thing they'renot really saying.
Robin hugs him after thisstatement because I guess he
needs to be consulted.
I don't know, doesn't seem likeit.
He seemed fine to me, but heseemed fine to me, but he leans
(43:24):
in for the hug.
She leans in for the hug.
It's a whole thing.
Melissa walks in and she's likeoh, this is a gotcha, gotcha.
Do you remember on the lastepisode where I said you can be
right about something at thewrong time?
This is one of those things youcan kind of see in Melissa's
face that she saw something thatwas not proper, but because she
(43:50):
is a person who's kind ofkeeping the wool over Cole's
eyes, she can't really sayanything about that.
Plus, this is her girl of girls.
You can't say nothing aboutthis.
My cousin flesh.
Clearly I saw something wrong.
I think we do this far too often.
You see the truth but due tocircumstances that are either in
(44:12):
your control or completelybeyond your control, you feel
the need to be like okay, maybeI'm overreacting.
You got to start trusting thatintuition.
Cole's whole response to thisis acceptable.
He sees Melissa after he andRobin have embraced and he says
hey, melissa, I just met a womanwho wants to have my baby.
(44:32):
She has no choice but to comeclean.
Listen, I know, I know, I knowshe's not satisfactory, but I
promise we'll find the perfectwoman.
So as they begin to embrace, hesays listen, I know how much
this means to you, when in factit really means more to him.
But they both think they'redoing something for each other.
It's kissy, kissy, boo-boo face, and cousin Robin is in her
(44:56):
running attire in the background, sort of drinking it all in.
Now I will admit that once Ifound out that Robin was a what
is her name?
A Gretty.
She's from the bad girl MellyMel line.
I am now forced to believe thatif they share the same father
or same grandfather, if thiscomes from the male line, then
(45:19):
yes, she could too be a bad girl.
However, I'm not fullyconvinced.
I think we need to introducethe demimillons here.
Robin absorbs all thisinformation and we could argue.
I'd really love to hear whatyou, what you guys think in the
text or email.
Is Robin taking advantage of asituation or is she just sort of
(45:41):
allowing this to unfold?
It's so good.
I don't really know.
I don't really know what to sayabout her.
Later on, at an undisclosed dateand time, melissa and her
cousin Robin are walking throughthe vineyards.
Melissa is lamenting to hergirl this is so hard.
Finding a surrogate is such aweird thing.
It's just like I'm not feelinganybody.
This isn't my child, right?
(46:02):
Well, cousin Robin's like yeah,I mean, you want them to look
like you, right?
Melissa's like facts, you wantthem to.
You want this to be a seamlessprocedure, right?
You want somebody you can trust.
Melissa's like facts, factsExactly.
(46:24):
That's why you're my girl.
You understand what I'm saying.
So cousin Robin says hey,there's only one, you, but why
not have another?
Or Gretty, I'm your cousin?
People, while we saw we weresisters, we look alike.
What if I'm your surrogate?
And Melissa's like oh, no, girl, I can't ask you that.
I can't bring you into thissaga immediately.
And Melissa's like girl, no, ohmy god, I can't ask you into
this saga immediately.
And Melissa's like girl, no, ohmy God, I can't ask you to do
(46:44):
that.
I can't ask you to do that.
That's too much.
Robin says we're family.
You want a baby.
I want you to have a baby.
Cole wants a baby.
I want him to have a baby.
I'm family, let's just do this.
We're sisters practically.
Let's just do this.
It is inferred that this isperhaps her way of getting a
free pass with Cole, which isactually quite meaningless,
(47:04):
because Melissa has decided thatsurrogate is a.
It's a relative term, surrogateas in I'm not going to be the
mother carrying the seed.
However, this baby will not beimplanted.
It would not be implanted via alab.
This baby will be implanted theold fashioned way.
So Cole's going to have to bonesomebody for whatever reason,
(47:28):
because of some weird gene, someweird chromosome, and they're
23.
These agredis feel like, okay,yeah, baby, we can share.
We're going to go on and passit around.
We're going to keep it in thefamily, as they used to say.
So Melissa and Robin plan anintimate dinner where the three
of them will be a throuple.
It'll be candlelit, it'll beromantic, but there are three
(47:51):
people.
Let me remind you this is not apoly relationship.
Cole and his chef, boyardeeoutfit, are walking into this
completely blind.
I don't generally defend him,but I'm going to defend him this
way.
He had no idea what he or.
Walking into this completelyblind.
I don't generally defend him,but I'm going to defend him this
way.
He had no idea what he waswalking into.
Before we go any deeper, I needyou to remember.
Do you remember when Lorrainetried to confront Angela Big
(48:13):
Perm Channing?
She threw her iceberg wedgesalad on top of Angela's shrimp
cocktail and made a deliciousmeal.
She does not know how to destroya table.
You know who does?
Melissa mother loving a Gretty,gia Berti.
If there's a bad girl, mellymale, flip a table moment, it's
(48:35):
her.
She know what she doing.
Melissa understands that ifshe's having a beautiful meal
and she gets pissed off in it,everybody's night is over.
Everybody's meal is ruined.
There is no way you can salvagea meal after she's done so.
Picture this warm, candlelightdinner on the Miranda two
(48:55):
beautiful women from the samegenealogy sitting at a table
waiting for one man.
That might be some people'sfantasy.
I'm a little bit grossed out,as I said.
Anyway, cole sits down, theystart eating, they start chatter
, chatter, chittering and thewomen bring it up, say Cole, you
know how.
You want a baby.
Yeah, you know you wantMelissa's baby.
(49:16):
Yeah, what if Robin hadMelissa's baby?
And Cole's like wait, I'm sorry, wait, what?
Yeah, what if the surrogateisn't some rando in the valley
who's like a weird old lady witha weird eye.
What if it's my cousin?
(49:37):
What if it's my biology in somepart mixing with your biology?
Then we can have a whole otherkid.
She looks like me, she soundslike me.
We're from the same line.
Let's do this.
Cole is like what?
The?
I thought we was eating chickencordon bleu.
I didn't know.
I was here for this bull.
What are y'all talking about?
He gets up, he leaves.
It is the first time I've everagreed with him.
(49:59):
What the eff are you talkingabout?
This is Cole ain't having it,but Melissa gets pissed and I'm
very impressed with this.
She manages to throw her napkin.
Mind y'all.
This table is God.
I've never been good withgeometry and you know what it
served me perfectly well.
This is a, let's think, twocafeteria tray size table for
(50:25):
three people.
There are wine glasses withwater.
There are wine glasses withwine.
There is a little candelabrawith like three candles.
I think Melissa manages tothrow a full fit and a napkin
without burning the place to theground.
Bravo, bad girl, melly Mel.
(50:47):
This is why she earns the title.
This is why Terry is kicked out.
This is why I had to reiteratethe term demivellant.
You can throw a whole fit andnot burn through your resources.
Melly Mella understands this.
This is the second fish she'sthrown in two, three episodes.
(51:08):
So in an effort to soothe Cole'sego or whatever, I don't really
know Cole goes to sleep in thewine house.
Tell me why he don't have justan air mattress y'all.
He didn't have just a cot, hehas a full ass size mattress on
the stone floor of the winehouse that I guess he sleeps in
(51:29):
quite regularly.
Why he would need to lay up allnight and watch yeast and wine
ferment, I'm sure I don't know,but that's what he's doing.
So cousin Robin goes over tosue the whole situation.
You remember at the beginningof the show she's like listen,
cole, please don't know, butthat's what he's doing.
So cousin robin goes over tosue the whole situation.
You remember at the beginningof the show she's like listen,
cole, please, don't get mad,please, please, please.
My cousin just wants a baby,she just wants to make you happy
(51:50):
, please don't be upset.
Well, she does the same thing,only she's wearing the mcgruff
crime dog jacket and I knewexactly what was up up.
She enters said wine house andcole sits up on his fully made
full mattress on the stone floor.
It is a double mattress.
I can tell because this man isat least two and a half three
(52:12):
feet off the ground.
We all know if you put a boxmattress on the ground that's
what like eight inches anyway,with a comforter double twin
mattress is.
A cousin comes through in aMcGruff the Crime Dog jacket.
However, it is a fur coat.
It is short, it is tantalizing,I guess, if you want it to be.
And then she's got on a pair ofreally whack peep toe slingback
(52:35):
pumps.
Underneath all that she's goton some lingerie, but we don't
know that.
She wakes up cold, cold.
Listen.
Your wife only wants what'sbest for you.
Please don't hold it againsther.
She just really wants to makeyou know what I'm saying.
She wants to make sure y'allhave a baby.
Now what?
We don't hear.
Which another, which?
This is a whole nother.
I also need to correct the sizeof the table.
(52:56):
The table is big enough forthree people, so let's say it is
four standard cafeteria trayssize.
Melissa throws her napkin,yells, she acts a teetotal and
then she goes.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
Only Robin ignores that.
She puts on the lingerie, sheputs on the peep toes and the
slingbacks.
She puts on the McGrath theCrime Dog mink pimp coat and she
(53:20):
walks down to the wine house tomeet cole on a twin size fully
made up mattress.
That's the point I'm trying tomake.
Why would you have?
She wakes him up from a deepcoma, like sleep.
I'm assuming that has beeninduced by wine, based on the
surroundings.
She says listen, your wifewants what's best for you.
She just wants a child.
Please don't be upset with her,please don't.
(53:42):
She's playing the advocate and,for whatever reason, this
touches cole.
I would like to argue ittouches cole because he's into
it already.
Cole is probably the the easiestperson on this show to seduce,
next to terry terry.
If you breathed her the wrongway, she's on it.
But Cole is a very, very closesecond.
(54:03):
I'm considering they're I guessthey're not really blood
related, but whatever, that'shis auntie, he's like his auntie
.
Cousin Robin stands up, sheremoves said mink coat, she
reveals the lingerie and Colesays you know well, I mean hell,
we need a baby, right?
How else we gonna get a baby?
One plus one equals two, twoplus two equals four and cot
(54:26):
plus coal equals.
Take down my, my wife's babycousin robin.
We're gonna get it in realquick here on this wine house
floor and they do just that.
They do the do.
Robin is a respectable typewoman.
She slinks back to the castle Iin my, by my projections it's
at least half a mile.
(54:47):
She slinks back to the castleunder the cloak of darkness
before dawn in her mink coat,sling back and peep toe shoes or
back to wherever cold, I don'tknow where.
Cold in them.
I was like to believe that coldand Melissa kind of live in
town.
If they keep the same, if theykept the same house that he and
Shania Linda lived in, orthey're on Melissa's house,
(55:10):
they're Melissa's house.
So maybe she drove a car.
I don't really know.
The point is made she she's gota uterus full of Gia Birdie and
she's gone.
A uterus full of Gia Birdie andshe's gone.
So the next day Melissa comes tothe wine house as Cole is
putting back on his Hawaiianshirt and whatever he looks like
(55:32):
, he's on Saved by the Bell,he's an extra.
And she's like listen, I'm sosorry that that happened.
I never wanted to put you in aweird position.
I'm so sorry.
You're right, joseph is enough,we don't need any more kids.
And he's like, oh, oh, wait,what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm happy,cool, we don't need anything
else.
Now, what are you gonna do?
What would you do?
(55:55):
You can't very well be like,well, um, a couple hours ago I
was horizontal with your cousin.
I'm really, I mean, I'm.
He can't say anything.
So now here we are.
Episode 24, season 4.
Cole has just banged melissa'sbaby cousin or equal cousin they
(56:20):
seem like they're about thesame age.
He has banged her in the hopesof having a child.
I don't know, I don't reallyknow if Robin ever wanted a
child.
She could be on birth controlfor all we know.
But I know she wanted him andhe definitely wanted her because
he went ahead and went throughit.
Now is he going to be able totell Melissa Dun dun dun Baby.
(56:45):
What a time, what a time, whata time.
Thank you for joining me on thisepisode.
Don't forget to hit me up inthe show notes or through the
emailS-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at
gmailcom.
Can't wait to hear yourthoughts on this episode or any
other episodes you're watching.
Thank you, monty, for the fanmail today, and join me next
(57:08):
time as we jump back into somesoap opera debauchery.
I think we'll visit Dallasbefore we have to take a little
bit longer of a pause, becausethat season's almost over.
In the meantime, in betweentime, if your cousin and your
spouse come to you with atantalizing offer, turn the
other cheek.
Act like you are Ray Charles,stephen Warner.
(57:31):
You ain't seen nothing, youain't heard nothing.
You're Helen Keller to them.
Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and
keep all of your trauma on TV.
Bye.
You think Joseph is going to run around telling well
, listen, my daddy didn't.
You know, he's not really greatat relationships, he can't
stand to be alone, so he'llmarry anybody.
He'll marry Baker's daughter.
He'll marry the vineyard downthe street's daughter.
He'll hook up with some rando.
He's just not that.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, welcome, or welcome back
to Soap Lord, the officialgathering place for newbies,
(00:23):
novices and OG Jaihar fans ofthe Golden Age of Primetime.
I'm your host, chet.
I'm viewing and reviewing thesoapiest, sexiest primetime
storylines of 1984-1985.
So, whether you're new to thisor to this, please sit back and
enjoy.
Tell the kids it's time to playoutside or out of sight kids,
(00:46):
it's time to play outside or outof sight.
So, babe, no questions,suggestions or concerns.
In the next 30 to 45 minutes,everyone else in the air shot
cool, quiet or kicked out.
Are you on the option?
Do that, choose wisely, becausewe are watching our stories.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, this is SoFloor.
(01:11):
Hello, gorgeous, welcome backto another fun-filled edition of
SoFloor.
I hope your day is shaping upwell and I hope you understand
(01:38):
that I really mean that I'm notgoing to sit here and wax
poetics about how I want my soapfiends to be at their best,
living your absolute best life.
But I am sitting here watchingDevil's Harvest, which is season
4, episode 25.
I cannot believe.
We're on episode 25 of FalconCrest and something suddenly
occurred to me.
We live in the age of thealgorithm and I feel like I'm
being plotted against.
I feel like Amazon is now myops.
What I'm finding when I'mwatching my shows on Amazon
(02:00):
obviously, this is where I watchFalcon Crest.
Amazon has a sense of humor.
Amazon has submitted to thedark side.
Do you know that I came here towatch season four?
Amen, I've been watching seasonfour for how many months at
this point, do you know thatAmazon threw me into season
seven?
Now, granted, nothing wasspoiled.
(02:23):
I figured out pretty quickly bytheir clothes and what I was
hearing.
It was like wait a minute, thisis not.
This is not the episode I leftoff on.
Amazon is out to sabotage you.
So I I have a.
I don't want to direct people inthe wrong way.
You need to be extra diligent.
If you were a newbie watchingthese shows, I mean, you're not
like me, unless you're doing apodcast, you could probably just
(02:44):
binge it, but this is soupsetting I got in the middle of
season seven of Falcon Crestand I was like, wait a minute,
what the hell?
Who are these people?
I saw a couple familiar facesbut I didn't know what was
happening.
There was like a whole hostagesituation.
Anyway, that has nothing to dowith how your day is flowing.
(03:05):
I hope your day is flowing well.
I am sitting back.
I have regrouped.
We're going to jump into one ortwo pieces of fan mail.
Go ahead and pour yourselfsomething bubbly and bright and
delicious.
We are watching season four,episode 25 of Falcone Crust,
Devil's Harvest.
(03:25):
So this fan mail comes fromMari.
She says I just wanted to say Ilove your Dallas crash episode.
I was kind of young when Iwatched it, like around 11 or 10
years old when I used to watchthe show with my grandma.
So the memory is a little bitfuzzy.
Still, something about Gary andValene stuck with me.
(03:53):
I continued to watch this showthroughout my teen and early
adult years and I was alwaysrooting for them.
They always felt different fromthe rest of the cast, even if I
don't totally understand why atthe time.
If I didn't totally understandwhy at the time, I was didn't
totally understand why at thetime.
I was wondering now that you'rethree seasons into the spinoff,
how do you feel about Gary andValene?
Thanks for keeping the vintagevibes alive and making it all so
(04:17):
fun to revisit.
I'm definitely tuning in formore lore.
Thank you, madi, okay.
Okay.
So I'm assuming Madi has juststarted watching and I gotta be
honest with you, I don't alwaysremember what I said before.
Call it perimenopause, call itjust being an adult person, I
(04:39):
don't really remember.
But Gary and Val, there'salways been something that stuck
out to me a little strangely.
So I don't mean to bore youguys, if you've already been a
show, fan of the show and listento all the episodes we are
nearing 300 I am justflabbergasted.
We're gonna have to do agiveaway or something.
But, um, initially gary and valdidn't really stand out to me.
(05:02):
Maybe Gary did, because Ithought it was interesting that
there was another Ewing who hadwalked away.
That was me walking into thisblind.
I thought Gary was superinteresting that he walked away,
but then when I saw the waythat he behaved when there was a
challenge, I thought, okay,that makes sense.
I can tell you with fullintegrity, I did not expect to
(05:27):
see that character ever, ever,ever, ever again.
I assumed it was a first season.
We're just kind of throwingspaghetti against the wall to
see what sticks.
I didn't think there'd beanything else to learn about
Gary Ewing.
As far as Val, all I rememberis I called her every name in
(05:49):
the book Vanita, vaseline,vidalia and I will continue to
do so.
Her name is Vidalia as far asI'm concerned, but I just
remember she was kind of spacedout.
I felt like she was kind ofcracked out in a lot of the
earlier episodes.
Again, I thought this was athrowaway character.
Even though this was Lucy's mom.
I didn't really consider thatshe would be on the show more
(06:11):
than once.
So I am assuming there's a lotof assuming here.
And when I saw the episodewhere Gary had come back and a
it was Shackleford and notAykroyd I was like that's weird.
But I mean it makes sense andsoap operas people come and they
go.
You need relatives, it's okay.
(06:33):
I didn't really think much of it.
I thought it'd be a one or doneor I thought they would be.
I actually thought they wouldbe a part of the cast of Dallas.
So when they said Nos Landing,I damn near fainted.
If you watch that episode.
If you listen to that episode,you already know I didn't take
it well.
(06:54):
One of my toxic traits is thatmy knee jerk reaction is really,
really heavy on the jerk.
It's like 20% reaction, 80%jerk.
But I think that's justlearning the information.
It's just in my wildest dreams.
I had never fathomed that Garywould be interesting enough to
(07:15):
have an entire spinoff on, and Ithink that's the beauty of
watching these shows so much.
Later I remembered Knot'sLanding, cause that was my
aunt's favorite show.
I used to confuse Noxzema andKnott's Landing all the time,
but when I um went to likeGoogle it or just figure out
when the season started, eventhough they had pictures of the
(07:36):
cast, it didn't make me anynevermind, because I don't know
who these people were and itdidn't click.
I'm realizing this as I'msaying this.
It didn't click to me that thatwas going to be Gary and
Darlene.
I didn't recognize.
I just didn't recognize them.
I think when you're experiencingthings in real time you're not
noting all of the details.
So how don't feel like they'restar-crossed lovers?
(07:58):
I think they are people who meteach other at the right time.
They had a good moment and thenthey had a terrible moment
after that.
I think Gary was looking forsomething he couldn't really
(08:20):
handle.
He wasn't man enough to take,so he bounced, bounced.
I think valine was running tosomething she thought would be
more secure ie the ewing familyand it didn't just work out.
So when I have never reallybought the knots landing spinoff
that they were so in love andthey fell in love with each
other because when we saw themon dallas gary was still.
(08:42):
He didn't want his family toknow.
So there's always kind of beena just I don't know.
I've never really bought intoit very much.
And what I think about them nowis that these are people who
have been apart for many, manyyears.
I think they have grown.
I don't know what theirrelationship was before, but I
(09:03):
can imagine at 15, and I don'tknow how old he was 17, 18, 19.
I don't know.
They're different people.
I think they are both holdingon to a dream.
I think they are holding on tothe one person who might have
had some belief in them or giventhem some security.
I think in Valene's case thiswas the most secure relationship
(09:24):
she thought she ever had, and Ithink in Gary's case this was
the first time someone believedin him and saw something else in
him Going forward.
I think it's inevitable.
I think they are differentpeople and I don't know.
You're not the same person at15 as you are at 30.
You're just not.
So time will tell.
(09:46):
Time would tell.
Remember, if you have an opinionor thought or even a bit of
trivia that you want to sharewith me, I'm always open to hear
that.
You can reach out in the shownotes.
If you're listening to this onyour mobile device.
In the show notes, one of thefirst lines you should see is
send us a text.
You can send me a text and tellme your thoughts and I will be
(10:07):
sure to share them on the air.
With your permission, if youare a little more old school,
like myself and most of mylisteners, go ahead and send me
an email.
You can send me an email toSoapLorePodcast at gmailcom.
That is S-O-A-P, l-o-r-e-p-o-d,c-a-s-t at gmailcom, short
(10:33):
version.
I'm not really buying into theirsuper, super love story.
However, that does not mean youget to disrespect the Vidalia
Onion Queen Period.
Blink, blink.
I'm going to act a teetotalfool If I show it out before I'm
going to show out again.
I don't appreciate disrespect.
Period, all right, devil'sHarvest.
This episode starts off in theaftermath of Lance's conviction.
(10:57):
Not only was he convicted oftrying to kill his grandmother
via vehicular manslaughter ormurder, he was sentenced to
seven years, which seems kind ofharsh.
But when you pay off judges youget a longer sentence.
Angela's big piss, and I thinkthis is an interesting moment of
character development.
(11:18):
Now I have noticed that anytimeshe's going to flip or she's
going to turn heel even morethan she is, she's always
wearing red.
It's usually some form of polkadots.
This episode she opens the showin a gray business suit with a
black and yellow polka dot top.
Of course she's got the littlepocket, whatever it's called.
(11:40):
Listen, I don't dress up enoughto know, but she big mad, she
cannot believe that hergrandbaby, her heir to the
throne, is going to prison.
Not just jail, not the countyclink.
He's going to big prison withbig criminals, with big egos,
with big God knows what else,and he's going to have to fend
(12:00):
for himself while in said prison.
So the media is swarming likeflies on doo-doo.
They are all over the place.
They're all on her personalproperty.
How they got to her porch, Ican't even imagine you would
think someone like AngelaChanning big perm would have
people with Tommy guns and allthat.
But that's not the case.
Not the case at all.
(12:21):
They pull up to her front doorand she's pissed.
She Not the case at all.
They pull up to her front doorand she's pissed.
She has had more than enough ofthis.
So when Maggie walks in, she'seven more pissed off, because
not only is Maggie someone sheknows, maggie is oppressed.
All she sees is red.
What are you doing here, maggie?
Maggie's like listen, I don'tbelieve Lance is guilty any more
than you do.
(12:41):
We need to figure this out Now.
This is sadly, some of the worstacting in this entire episode.
This is some bad acting.
Lorraine comes up here, comeswhimsical Emma and they're all
like Lance is innocent.
Maggie has been defending himfrom the beginning.
I can't understand why Lorraineflip-flops from decent to just
(13:04):
abysmal T-Rash with a capital T.
The acting is trash and Angelaain't trying to hear it All.
Y'all get the hell out of myface.
She says and Maggie's likelisten, not everybody's against
you, big Ang.
Not everybody wants your perm.
I'm just trying to tell you Idon't believe that Lance is
guilty.
I walked over here to say thatfor my castle.
(13:26):
I'm gonna leave, since youacting up and angela's like good
, get out, don't get listen.
No matter how intriguing thisepisode is, we have got to get
through these with the quicknessbecause there's so many.
So we'll start with the bigplayers, per usual Lance.
Lance has been convicted of acrime that he did not commit.
(13:49):
We all know, as the audience,it was Florida man, george, not
George which is named Joel, buthe's nowhere to be found.
Sadly he does not reappear onthis episode.
But somehow, some miracleprobably the privilege of wealth
Lance is let out on bail.
I'd be remiss if I didn't quoteTupac.
(14:12):
Lance is out on bail, fresh outof jail, california scheming
Soon as he stepped on the scene.
He's hearing who she's fiendingfiending for money and alcohol.
I'm going to stop robbing onthe scene.
He's hearing hoochies feedingfeeding for money and alcohol.
I'm gonna stop.
I think it's hoochie screaming,feeding for money and alcohol.
(14:32):
But that's neither here northere.
Either way, this is a richcalifornia man, fresh out of
jail, out on bail.
Angela channing cannot believethat her money, her influence,
her perm, her polka dots, herwine badassery has not earned
her the privilege of gettingthis kid off scot-free.
(14:53):
So what does she do?
She leans on her pseudo husband, chow Lee.
Chow Lee does not get enoughattention on this series.
If I'm being quite honest, chowLee is her confidant.
Chow Lee is about the same ageas her.
They have tea every morning,they have tea every night.
He knows all of her deep, darksecrets.
He knows where the body isburied.
(15:13):
So who else could she lean onin order to get some sort of
finagling situation?
Or her grandson?
So the plan is thrown.
Lance is fresh out of jail, outon bail.
He's supposed to come back tothe mansion and then he's going
to disappear.
Now let Angela tell it.
She and he were having a littleconversation.
(15:36):
She goes to put her cold creamon.
Next thing she knows she hearssome sort of vague sports car
motor in the background.
She realizes her grandson isgone.
Boom, we don't know where he at.
We won't do, won't.
The reality is she decidedLance, you're going to go to a
(15:57):
neighborhood in San Fran andyou're going to hide out with
some of Charlie's cousins.
Now Lance is a six foot threeman who needs to hide out.
So he is hidden in an apartmentthat belongs to someone in Chow
Lee's family.
It seems like it's a second orthird cousin, someone not super
important.
The only problem is the personwho was supposed to be guarding
(16:19):
Lance is about his age.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, can you tell me what
happens when a 23-year-old manis convicted of a crime?
He is let out on bail, freshout of jail, california scheming
he gets put in an apartment andhis protector, or his guard, is
also a 23-year-old man who'snot fresh out of jail, but he is
(16:42):
California scheming.
How long do you think it'sgoing to take before these two
23 year old males in California,early eighties, are going to go
to the video arcade, they'regoing to go to the strip club,
they're going to go to Vegas,they're going to run amok.
So eventually, what has tohappen is we get the cute little
young guy garden Lance.
(17:02):
We get Lance behind bars orbehind a bedroom door, bored out
of his mind, waiting on Godknows what.
This was a really poor out plan, poorly thought out plan.
Now that I think about it, ifhe skips bail, the only future
he has is an arrest and prison.
There's no way to.
(17:24):
I mean, this is the soap operatax we're going to have to
swallow in order to accept thisstoryline If you skip bail.
I can't believe that the judgeis going to be like oh okay,
well, yeah, maybe you wereinnocent, blase, blase.
That's not going to happen.
But that's the plan.
Angela wants to go ahead andtrack down the real culprit so
(17:45):
that her son, her grandson, canbe acquitted.
Only, he's locked in a room.
They got another 23 year oldguarding him.
It is only a matter of timebefore the two of them paint the
town red.
So what they have to do isbring in a bigger dude, dirt
dude, one of chile's older orolder uncle.
Somebody has to come in andbasically keep Lance in this
(18:07):
room.
It's not all that interesting.
It is also worth noting thatLance thought he was going to be
able to work remotely andAlthough this works on Dallas
when JR was shot up, it does notwork on Falcon Crest because he
is a criminal.
See, that's the whole gotcha,gotcha.
If you want to work remotely,it can't be with like an ankle
(18:30):
monitor on.
If you can believe it, we gotLeather Pants Pam, who I've
never really categorized.
I would.
I feel like she's an antiheromore than she is a bad girl, but
trust and believe she has thosetendencies.
You have to if you're going tobe working for Richard.
All this time.
She gets it in her head that,hmm, I have put together what
(18:52):
has really gone wrong with Lance, who really went after Angela
and I know exactly who I canblackmail.
So she walks into Melissa'soffice and she says, hey fool,
guess what?
Um chick like me, you know, Ihave a checkered past.
You know what I'm saying.
I have things that aren't goingquite right in my life.
(19:13):
I think you're going to fund mynew lifestyle.
I'm ready to turn a new leaf.
I'm ready for for a newlifestyle and I think you're
going to be the person to fundthat.
Melissa scoffs as one would.
Why would you even come in here?
Love the pants, pam.
By the way, it's 90 degreesoutside.
(19:34):
You don't have no shorts.
You don't have a dress.
What's really good, ladies andgentlemen, boys and girls, this
is jet, giving you the essenceof a scene as opposed to the
verbatim dialogue.
Well, pam says to melissa mel,you know, that's real cute.
I, I admire, I admire your badgirlery.
But um, what if I decided toswish, swish, swish down to
(19:57):
angela's office and I told herhave you ever heard the name,
Joel McCarthy?
Would you be interested inknowing that Joel McCarthy was
hired by a little pop tart whotries to be you.
How would that wreck yourfuture, melissa?
This is what I think is goingto happen.
(20:17):
I think you're going to give me$100,000 and maybe I'll keep my
mouth quiet, maybe I don't haveanything to say if anybody asks
me about it.
Melissa cannot believe thatshe's getting blackmailed.
But, honestly, bad girl maleemail.
I give her grace because she isa new villain.
(20:38):
She is learning.
She is still banking on heryouth, which we all know is a
new villain.
She is learning.
She is still banking on heryouth, which we all know is a
losing game.
You have to build strategy andyou know what this is just
character building for her.
Cover all your bases.
She should have gotten rid ofJoel McCarvey on her own,
because this just keeps addingup, keeps adding up, adding up.
Okay, so, fiends, I got alittle bit beside myself.
(20:59):
Finish the episode.
Here are the key takeawaysCassandra you remember Cassandra
right, she's a whole ad agency.
She's a person that Richard hashis eye on.
He's done a little bit of herbackground, but nothing's coming
up.
What I know now is that this isnot that uncommon, surprisingly
(21:21):
, up until about 1995-ish.
You could probably fake yourexistence for quite a while.
But Cassandra is a smart woman.
She and her brother Damon, akaRiker from the USS Enterprise
and Jean-Luc Picard's firstcaptain, or whatever he was.
They're brother and sister.
They have a vision, they have aplan that they need to enact
(21:44):
before people start to realizewho they are.
Now this episode.
We don't necessarily get anycloser to finding out who they
are, but we do get to see a deepdive into their past via one
dream and one visitation.
So at the top of the episode wesee Cassandra having a meeting
(22:04):
with I can't remember the nameof the whole the.
This mixes into Chase's story alittle bit.
So let's just be a little bitvague.
Right now Cassandra has put abug in the ear of a major
contributor Think like a Targetor Walmart and she's saying hey,
you need to get in bed withFalcon Crest, you need their
(22:24):
product in your stores.
This will be wonderful, forthis will expand your sort of
refined side and it'll help themtoo.
So meetings are had XYZ.
We'll get to that when we talkabout Chase.
She's pretty proud of herselfand when Lassie left she was
still leading Richard on.
(22:45):
She had left him not once, buttwice.
He tried to kiss her after darkat the racetracks when everyone
else had left.
She let it go.
He tried to invite her.
He wanted to take her to lunchor something.
She pretended like she hadsomething to do.
Well, it's gotten to the pointwhere she can't keep putting off
Richard.
She needs to go ahead and playalong so she can continue her
(23:06):
proximity with Falcon Crest.
So they go to dinner.
They're having a wonderful timeand he brings up something
about her brother.
Now Richard has clocked thather brother seems way more
interested in Angela Channingthan he does Richard's whimsical
baby sister, emma.
I like that.
(23:27):
I like that about Richard.
Richard and Emma have always hada wonderful relationship.
So he's like what's up withyour bro?
Is he into older women?
No judgment, I just have my owntorrid affair with an older
woman.
So I mean, I get it.
Is that his thing?
Maybe we can double date.
He can go with Ange, I can gowith Francesca and Cassandra's
(23:47):
like no, no, no, no, no.
Richard, I have eight magicwords for you.
Why don't we go and you makelove to me?
I know that's nine words, Iforgot the original eight, but
the basic concept of what she'ssaying is I'm ready to be ready
to receive.
And Richard forgot everythinghe said about Riker, emma and
(24:12):
good old big perm, angelaChanning.
They go home, they make sweet,sweet love.
Here's the thing you cancontrol all things when you're
conscious.
When you're unconscious, it'swild, wild west.
Cassandra forgot that she hasthese nightmares.
So post coitus, they're lyingin bed asleep.
She starts having a flashbackslash nightmare about some fire
(24:38):
where we hear that carry voicecassandraandra, cassandra,
they're all going to laugh atyou.
Only now we see Cassandracoughing in the fire and we see
a younger boy with her.
We all know that is Riker fromthe USS Enterprise, aka Damon.
She's still keeping the secret,so she's sweating, she's being
(25:00):
uncomfortable, but of courseshe's unconscious keeping the
secret.
So she's sweating, she's beinguncomfortable, but of course
she's unconscious.
Through all this she's none thewiser.
Richard hears this.
He wakes her up, she realizesshe had a nightmare and he goes
to comfort her.
God bless him.
It's just it's not happening.
We can't make fetch happen,richard.
There's nothing and I do meannothing comforting about Richard
(25:23):
, but that's neither here northere.
Cassandra has already put phasetwo in place.
Her brother, damon, is alreadyworking on Emma.
I suppose Damon is more of thebackup plan is what I'm
gathering from this episode.
At the end the episode, they gowalking into some sort of
institution where a nurse warnsthem not to try nothing.
(25:46):
Funny, she's not in the moodtoday.
She's worked 12 hours.
She's got things to do.
Don't go in here harassingy'all's mama.
Room 207 is open.
They walk in and we see a womanin a wheelchair, a motorized
wheelchair, which means she's asupervillain.
Can we just admit that?
We all know.
Anyone who's watched TV in thelast 60 years knows that if you
(26:09):
have a mobile chair or amotorized chair, you're a
supervillain.
Name me three good guys in amotorized chair.
I'll wait.
Exactly, mama messed around andpassed out before they got
there.
So she's asleep, but she isdraped in a veil, she's got on a
(26:31):
hat, she's fully covered, whichleads me to believe that she
was probably burned pretty badlyin the fire.
However, before she passed outfor her afternoon nap, she was
able to write out the final planin destroying Angela Big Perm
Channing.
In my mind, because I like tobe playful, it probably means
(26:51):
she diluted her activator.
She has increased the size ofthe rollers to create some sort
of insecurity in Ange.
Maybe she sent some loveletters to ronald, I don't know.
It's one of those things.
But all we see is a final plan.
There is a small ream of paperthat reads the destruction of
(27:13):
falcon crest, final phase.
Mother has scribbled this out.
Mother has a desire.
Mother says piss or get off thepot.
I must say I am quite takenaback by this sort of late entry
.
But who's to say it doesn'tbuild upon season five?
(27:33):
I don't know, what do we have?
We have six episodes left inseason four of Falcon Crest.
There is a potentially burnedwoman scorned with two children
who are wealthy and capable andgorgeous and able to seduce.
Who's to say?
What will become of us?
(27:53):
I don't know, but I do knowthat I am here for it.
Let's get to the Gia Berti,because I suspect that the Gia
Berti men are getting a littlebit bored.
They like a little bit ofattention.
Are we noticing weak moralshere?
You be the judge.
So remember when I told you thatCassandra had a hand in this
(28:16):
whole let's call it Walmartslash Target deal.
She's been sleeping with thisguy named Brad.
Brad owns the Walmart slashTarget thing and it's very clear
to us, the audience, not him,because Brad is dense and older
that she's not really interestedin him.
She's like dude I'm so busy Ican't really have a relationship
(28:37):
and he's like Cassandra I needmore of your attention, I need
more of your time.
I need more of your time.
I need more of your affection.
It's not really working out.
Her only plan with him is thatshe needs to get with him in
order to make this whole dealhappen with Falcon Crest.
What she wants is Falcon Crestto basically get in bed with
Brad, who is his majorconglomerate.
(28:59):
Now, if they take the deal,they're going to be on
everything.
They're going to be on cruises,they're going to be on airlines
, they're going to be everywhere.
They will be the wine in thecountry.
They will be the major supplierfor this particular brand.
So Brad, during a meeting withthe rest of the gang, tells them
that we bought out $60 millionworth of wine last year.
(29:21):
You're not going to find abetter deal for this.
We just need to understand thatyou have the facilities and you
have the capabilities ofmeeting our product needs.
No leases, no options, nodollars down, no dollars a week.
So Chase is very uncomfortablebecause he's like this is a
major fortune.
This ain't like 50 cents orwhatever.
This is way bigger than any ofus have ever gotten in bed with.
(29:45):
Here's the thing Richard andAngela are saving face.
They don't want to admit thatthey may or may not have the
funds, or they may or may nothave the logistic capabilities
of producing all this wine.
That's.
All you need to reallyunderstand is that this has
created this weird sort ofstandoff between the three of
(30:07):
them, between Angela, betweenRichard and between Chase.
Now Chase is coming in.
Chase is the newest of money heis still, even though he's got
the heritage.
He's vaguely new to this, whileAngela is true to this and
Richard understands business.
This is a wonderful time toreiterate that, if this whole
(30:32):
tango doesn't take place, thereis a backup plan.
Cassandra and her littlebrother Damon, aka Riker, from
the USS Enterprise, have abackup plan.
Cassandra and her littlebrother, damon, aka Riker, from
the USS Enterprise, have abackup plan.
Riker is backup, cassandra ismain plan.
They don't really need to worryabout that, because this is a
show of egos.
Who has the biggest ego?
(30:53):
Angela is probably the onlyperson who could actually afford
this.
She could write a checktomorrow and be fine.
Richard is in debt Now she knowsthis, so she pushes the deal
forward.
Her whole thought is I knowthat Richard can't afford it
because he is Douglas's bastardand a Nazi baby sympathizer and
(31:14):
his mama didn't leave him noreal money like that.
He is not true to this like Iam.
He can't really afford it.
I know my nephew can't reallyafford to like that either.
So if they take the deal, shehas the option of buying them
out.
Richard and Chase are both awareof this.
Chase is really reallystruggling with this Now.
Richard being a businessman, heknows how to maneuver around
(31:37):
debt.
That's not a big deal.
Plus, he's been a bad guy forlike 20 years.
Who cares?
Chase, on the other hand, issweating bullets.
He feels like Angela andRichard are moving into this
quite quickly.
He doesn't have a chance togain his footing.
So he tells Maggie about it.
Maggie's like screw them, startyour own vineyard.
(31:57):
Your mom left you more thanenough money to start your own
vineyard.
You've done this than enoughmoney to start your own vineyard
.
You've done this long enough.
And it's like he, his pride, isin the way.
It's like I said before, thisis this is a pissing contest for
lack of a better term betweenrichard, angela and chase.
He can't back down.
Now.
The funny thing about this wholesituation is connie and
giannini is in the mix notbecause she cares about Falcon
(32:21):
Crest, not because she caresabout the production of their
wine in any way with HeliosHelios is the name of the group,
so Helios is a Walmart slashTarget.
She doesn't really care aboutthat.
But she starts to gain intelfrom Cole inadvertently, because
Cole is not really clockingthat.
She wants his dad in that way,but it's like she sees an end.
(32:44):
So she and Cole are chilling inthe office and he is getting
coffee from this machine.
That has really distracted me.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls.
I am a you know, oldermillennial.
I understand how to work acoffee pot.
I use a Keurig on the daily.
I understand how to work acoffee pot.
I use a Keurig on daily.
There is some sort of hybridmachine circa 1985 that I had no
(33:05):
idea existed.
Did you guys have Keurigsbefore this?
I took a picture like what thehell is this?
There's a whole machine thatCole gets coffee from, but it's
got its own little personalstate.
I don't know.
I literally have never seenanything like that up until now.
But the whole point is Connie,now that she's back working for
(33:28):
Fox and Crush, she's justgaining intel.
Cole, how is your mom and dad'smarriage?
Cole is so dense that hedoesn't understand what she's
really asking.
So he's like, yeah, they getalong great.
But you know, just like anyother marriage, they have their
issues.
They have trouble from now on.
Why would you say that that isnobody's business?
If some woman outside of yourmother asks you about your daddy
(33:52):
, you don't have anything to sayother than he is the happiest
man he's ever been in his lifebecause of my mommy period,
point blank.
You think Joseph is going to runaround telling well, listen, my
daddy didn't.
You know he's not really greatat relationships.
He can't stand to be alone, sohe'll marry anybody.
He'll marry Baker's daughter.
He'll marry the vineyard downthe streets daughter.
He'll hook up with some rando.
(34:12):
He's just not that disciplined.
He's very irrational.
How would he like it if Josephdid an expose?
How would he feel, nevermindall that, when Chase told Maggie
about the financial situation,they would be hitting it with
Helios and that he didn't reallyhave the money like that.
But he didn't want to feel likethe broke boy.
It wasn't that she wasn'tsupportive.
(34:33):
She was just like, okay, well,to hell with them, go ahead and
start your own thing.
You got this.
Chase gave this great big,boisterous speech about this is
my grandfather's land and hisheritage, and ill.
But when Connie Giannini comesthrough, she says the exact same
thing, only she does it in red.
All of a sudden he's like yeah,yeah, I think you're right,
(34:56):
connie.
She affirms that you know, theHelio seal could be risky.
She understands that, hey,chaseios deal could be risky.
She understands that, hey,chase, this could be troublesome
to your mind.
I understand that, but I wantto reiterate what you told me.
You told me be true to yourselfand your heritage Chase.
So I'm going to tell you thattoo.
And Chase is like oh, you knowwhat about the fulfillment?
I don't know if I could reallydo this.
(35:17):
So this place is all about wehave our heritages.
Heritages start somewhere.
I could really do this.
So this place is all about wehave our heritages.
Heritages, start somewhere.
I could launch my own thing.
What if I was a patriarch ofAviator Adonis, wine and coke?
She's like well, I wouldsupport you.
Then he's like well, thank youso much for your advice and your
support.
She tells him she's justreturning the favor.
All this was a clever ploy toreach down and give a kiss on
(35:40):
his cheek.
Now here's the thing about soapoperas that sort of pisses me
off is that there's always sortof this revisionist history when
things don't flow as smoothlyas they should.
I have never noticed this onFalcon Crest, but I don't know.
There's something about thisbeing 30 episodes long, as
moving away from the Nazi goldtreasure hunter storyline into
(36:03):
this new storyline, that feelslike there's you've got to
bridge the gap.
There's got to be some stringsthat attach the old story to the
new story.
And I suppose this is it, but Idon't know.
He seems interested in her tome.
He definitely seems interestedin her to me.
A couple of other sprinklesAngela Channing, who knows where
her grandson is this whole time, is walking around with her
(36:26):
perm blown out.
She's got it framed her faceperfectly.
She's wearing fur in the middleof California with riding
gloves, just to piss people off.
She's being tailed by the cops.
She pulls her car over on theway to worship the Lord, amen.
And she says look, officer, doyou want to come with me to
confession?
You think Lance is a priest now.
(36:47):
You think you're going to besitting in the confession booth.
Go on and follow me if you wantto, but make sure you clock the
spur.
This is real baby.
This ain't no cashmere, this is, this is fur.
All that and I do mean all thatfabulousness, because I have to
give her her props pales incomparison to the story of
Melissa, bad girl Ligretti andher new beau, chase Giaberti.
(37:09):
You want to talk about a rockand hard place?
I got a dilemma for you.
So, teens, we've been in aninteresting territory.
On the last episode, wediscussed how Balen's intuition
led her to believe that maybe,just maybe, abby cunningham,
innocent baby sister of thedeceased sister-in-law of the
(37:29):
over-the-top karen, might be aproblem.
She followed that intuition toabby's front door, confronted
her and we'll see where thechips lie after that.
The result Zod and Zod ofFalcon Crest is not very
different from that, but not inthe way you expect.
You expect the quote unquotegood guys to have that intuition
.
This is what happens when otherpeople have that.
(37:49):
See, intuition is not arespecter of persons.
This happens when inspirationhits and if people are receptive
enough to it, they makedecisions from it.
Enter Cousin Robin.
Now Cousin Robin is a co-ed whohas decided school's not really
for her.
She's sleeping in the house ofher rich favorite cousin, almost
(38:15):
sister, melissa Gray.
Now on the previous episodes, Ibelieve that cousin Robin must
be a cousin from mommy's side,because I thought maybe they had
different last names.
That's not the case.
So it was seen in the Agredifamily line that Melissa's
father chose to start a winevineyard and Robin's father did
(38:40):
not, hence one of them beingvery wealthy, one of them being
very poor.
It doesn't seem to make much ofa difference.
There doesn't seem to be anyanimosity so far.
I can assure you with fullconfidence.
I have not moved on past thisepisode.
This is my observation as ofepisode 24.
But the thing is, you don'talways need animosity to go for
(39:03):
the things you want.
Cousin Robin has shown up on thescene and she can sense that
something is a little askew.
You'll remember that Melissahas recently discovered that she
is no longer able to bearchildren.
Now, she had an inkling itwasn't a fact.
She had no reason to doublecheck to make sure it was a fact
or anything, until recentlywhen her new husband, old flame
(39:26):
cole, decides that he wants morechildren.
Joseph is great, he's anamazing child, but it'd be great
to expand our family.
So melissa does the mostirrational thing there is to do,
because she's on a soap opera.
She starts looking foralternative ways to perhaps
bring a child into their lifenot adoption, not through, you
(39:48):
know, any other means.
She decides surrogacy is thebest bet.
But I need someone who does notlive in the Valley, somebody
who don't know all of mybusiness, and someone who kind
of has my coloring, so thatpeople will be deceived enough
to believe this is my child.
This is the speaking of a truevillain.
Okay, I don't know what she'sgoing to be later on, but I know
(40:08):
right now.
She's like let me make sure Ican fool people and be deceptive
even in the birth of a child.
So Melissa has been.
She put out an ad in the paper.
She's getting all sorts ofcreeps and weirdos answering,
but I mean she must prevail.
She keeps going through.
She has an interview on thisparticular morning and Robin is
in the room because Robin isfamily.
(40:29):
Robin is her closest confidantthat she's ever had and the
woman has given off I'mobsessive vibes.
Melissa is trying to be thepolite woman of the house.
She can't exactly say get outof here.
You're weird.
So Robin does a dirty work.
You immediately see this issort of a tag team effort.
There's love here, there'srespect here.
(40:50):
There is a conversationhappening between them even
though there is no word spoken.
The woman is escorted off thepremises by Robin, who's about
to go on her run when Cole showsup.
Here's the interesting thingfor me.
Y Robin who's about to go onher run when Cole shows up.
Here's the interesting thingfor me.
Y'all know how I feel aboutCole.
I'm not going to harp on himthis week.
For some reason I feel the needto defend people I have
previously trashed.
Do not get used to it.
(41:12):
I'm taking this as I receive it.
Cole shows up and he isliterally wearing a chef's
jacket.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls I'm speaking to the OGs
Was this a fashion statementcirca 1985 where there was a
literal chef jacket that youunbutton maybe the first two or
three buttons and you walkaround in?
(41:35):
I can remember being very youngin West Texas when the Dickies
trends hit, not just like thedickies pants those are work
pants, right but the dickiecoveralls trend hit out of
nowhere and I remember thinkingthis is, this is different.
I didn't think it was stylish,but it seemed to be popular in
my neck of the woods.
(41:56):
Is this a real thing?
Also, it reminded me of don'ttell mom the babysysitter's Dad.
When Sue Ellen had run throughall of the petty cash, she had
no choice but to have a fullextravaganza at her house so
that the buyers would buy theuniforms for the school, and
they were going to be the mosteclectic and fashion forward
(42:19):
uniforms I have ever seen in mylife.
I've never seen anythingoutside like a skort and plaid
or a polo for school uniforms.
But they were going to go allout, and one of the outfits was
her friend who was whipping upexcitement in her baker's outfit
.
Anyway, cole happens upon thiswoman who was walking out, who's
(42:41):
definitely not going to be hisbaby mother, and she's like oh
my gosh, mrs Gia Berti didn'ttell me how handsome her husband
was.
I'm sure we can make beautifulbabies.
Good, cousin, robin, shoes thiswoman off.
And she's like listen, cole,don't not get upset with my girl
.
She's just trying to find theproper surrogate mother for you.
Is that so wrong, nicole?
(43:02):
He's he again.
He's been deceived a little bit, but he is way more receptive
than he usually is to thisparticular incident, because I
think Robin is telling him this.
But here's the thing they'renot really saying.
Robin hugs him after thisstatement because I guess he
needs to be consulted.
I don't know, doesn't seem likeit.
He seemed fine to me, but heseemed fine to me, but he leans
(43:24):
in for the hug.
She leans in for the hug.
It's a whole thing.
Melissa walks in and she's likeoh, this is a gotcha, gotcha.
Do you remember on the lastepisode where I said you can be
right about something at thewrong time?
This is one of those things youcan kind of see in Melissa's
face that she saw something thatwas not proper, but because she
(43:50):
is a person who's kind ofkeeping the wool over Cole's
eyes, she can't really sayanything about that.
Plus, this is her girl of girls.
You can't say nothing aboutthis.
My cousin flesh.
Clearly I saw something wrong.
I think we do this far too often.
You see the truth but due tocircumstances that are either in
(44:12):
your control or completelybeyond your control, you feel
the need to be like okay, maybeI'm overreacting.
You got to start trusting thatintuition.
Cole's whole response to thisis acceptable.
He sees Melissa after he andRobin have embraced and he says
hey, melissa, I just met a womanwho wants to have my baby.
(44:32):
She has no choice but to comeclean.
Listen, I know, I know, I knowshe's not satisfactory, but I
promise we'll find the perfectwoman.
So as they begin to embrace, hesays listen, I know how much
this means to you, when in factit really means more to him.
But they both think they'redoing something for each other.
It's kissy, kissy, boo-boo face, and cousin Robin is in her
(44:56):
running attire in the background, sort of drinking it all in.
Now I will admit that once Ifound out that Robin was a what
is her name?
A Gretty.
She's from the bad girl MellyMel line.
I am now forced to believe thatif they share the same father
or same grandfather, if thiscomes from the male line, then
(45:19):
yes, she could too be a bad girl.
However, I'm not fullyconvinced.
I think we need to introducethe demimillons here.
Robin absorbs all thisinformation and we could argue.
I'd really love to hear whatyou, what you guys think in the
text or email.
Is Robin taking advantage of asituation or is she just sort of
(45:41):
allowing this to unfold?
It's so good.
I don't really know.
I don't really know what to sayabout her.
Later on, at an undisclosed dateand time, melissa and her
cousin Robin are walking throughthe vineyards.
Melissa is lamenting to hergirl this is so hard.
Finding a surrogate is such aweird thing.
It's just like I'm not feelinganybody.
This isn't my child, right?
(46:02):
Well, cousin Robin's like yeah,I mean, you want them to look
like you, right?
Melissa's like facts, you wantthem to.
You want this to be a seamlessprocedure, right?
You want somebody you can trust.
Melissa's like facts, factsExactly.
(46:24):
That's why you're my girl.
You understand what I'm saying.
So cousin Robin says hey,there's only one, you, but why
not have another?
Or Gretty, I'm your cousin?
People, while we saw we weresisters, we look alike.
What if I'm your surrogate?
And Melissa's like oh, no, girl, I can't ask you that.
I can't bring you into thissaga immediately.
And Melissa's like girl, no, ohmy god, I can't ask you into
this saga immediately.
And Melissa's like girl, no, ohmy God, I can't ask you to do
(46:44):
that.
I can't ask you to do that.
That's too much.
Robin says we're family.
You want a baby.
I want you to have a baby.
Cole wants a baby.
I want him to have a baby.
I'm family, let's just do this.
We're sisters practically.
Let's just do this.
It is inferred that this isperhaps her way of getting a
free pass with Cole, which isactually quite meaningless,
(47:04):
because Melissa has decided thatsurrogate is a.
It's a relative term, surrogateas in I'm not going to be the
mother carrying the seed.
However, this baby will not beimplanted.
It would not be implanted via alab.
This baby will be implanted theold fashioned way.
So Cole's going to have to bonesomebody for whatever reason,
(47:28):
because of some weird gene, someweird chromosome, and they're
23.
These agredis feel like, okay,yeah, baby, we can share.
We're going to go on and passit around.
We're going to keep it in thefamily, as they used to say.
So Melissa and Robin plan anintimate dinner where the three
of them will be a throuple.
It'll be candlelit, it'll beromantic, but there are three
(47:51):
people.
Let me remind you this is not apoly relationship.
Cole and his chef, boyardeeoutfit, are walking into this
completely blind.
I don't generally defend him,but I'm going to defend him this
way.
He had no idea what he or.
Walking into this completelyblind.
I don't generally defend him,but I'm going to defend him this
way.
He had no idea what he waswalking into.
Before we go any deeper, I needyou to remember.
Do you remember when Lorrainetried to confront Angela Big
(48:13):
Perm Channing?
She threw her iceberg wedgesalad on top of Angela's shrimp
cocktail and made a deliciousmeal.
She does not know how to destroya table.
You know who does?
Melissa mother loving a Gretty,gia Berti.
If there's a bad girl, mellymale, flip a table moment, it's
(48:35):
her.
She know what she doing.
Melissa understands that ifshe's having a beautiful meal
and she gets pissed off in it,everybody's night is over.
Everybody's meal is ruined.
There is no way you can salvagea meal after she's done so.
Picture this warm, candlelightdinner on the Miranda two
(48:55):
beautiful women from the samegenealogy sitting at a table
waiting for one man.
That might be some people'sfantasy.
I'm a little bit grossed out,as I said.
Anyway, cole sits down, theystart eating, they start chatter
, chatter, chittering and thewomen bring it up, say Cole, you
know how.
You want a baby.
Yeah, you know you wantMelissa's baby.
(49:16):
Yeah, what if Robin hadMelissa's baby?
And Cole's like wait, I'm sorry, wait, what?
Yeah, what if the surrogateisn't some rando in the valley
who's like a weird old lady witha weird eye.
What if it's my cousin?
(49:37):
What if it's my biology in somepart mixing with your biology?
Then we can have a whole otherkid.
She looks like me, she soundslike me.
We're from the same line.
Let's do this.
Cole is like what?
The?
I thought we was eating chickencordon bleu.
I didn't know.
I was here for this bull.
What are y'all talking about?
He gets up, he leaves.
It is the first time I've everagreed with him.
(49:59):
What the eff are you talkingabout?
This is Cole ain't having it,but Melissa gets pissed and I'm
very impressed with this.
She manages to throw her napkin.
Mind y'all.
This table is God.
I've never been good withgeometry and you know what it
served me perfectly well.
This is a, let's think, twocafeteria tray size table for
(50:25):
three people.
There are wine glasses withwater.
There are wine glasses withwine.
There is a little candelabrawith like three candles.
I think Melissa manages tothrow a full fit and a napkin
without burning the place to theground.
Bravo, bad girl, melly Mel.
(50:47):
This is why she earns the title.
This is why Terry is kicked out.
This is why I had to reiteratethe term demivellant.
You can throw a whole fit andnot burn through your resources.
Melly Mella understands this.
This is the second fish she'sthrown in two, three episodes.
(51:08):
So in an effort to soothe Cole'sego or whatever, I don't really
know Cole goes to sleep in thewine house.
Tell me why he don't have justan air mattress y'all.
He didn't have just a cot, hehas a full ass size mattress on
the stone floor of the winehouse that I guess he sleeps in
(51:29):
quite regularly.
Why he would need to lay up allnight and watch yeast and wine
ferment, I'm sure I don't know,but that's what he's doing.
So cousin Robin goes over tosue the whole situation.
You remember at the beginningof the show she's like listen,
cole, please don't know, butthat's what he's doing.
So cousin robin goes over tosue the whole situation.
You remember at the beginningof the show she's like listen,
cole, please, don't get mad,please, please, please.
My cousin just wants a baby,she just wants to make you happy
(51:50):
, please don't be upset.
Well, she does the same thing,only she's wearing the mcgruff
crime dog jacket and I knewexactly what was up up.
She enters said wine house andcole sits up on his fully made
full mattress on the stone floor.
It is a double mattress.
I can tell because this man isat least two and a half three
(52:12):
feet off the ground.
We all know if you put a boxmattress on the ground that's
what like eight inches anyway,with a comforter double twin
mattress is.
A cousin comes through in aMcGruff the Crime Dog jacket.
However, it is a fur coat.
It is short, it is tantalizing,I guess, if you want it to be.
And then she's got on a pair ofreally whack peep toe slingback
(52:35):
pumps.
Underneath all that she's goton some lingerie, but we don't
know that.
She wakes up cold, cold.
Listen.
Your wife only wants what'sbest for you.
Please don't hold it againsther.
She just really wants to makeyou know what I'm saying.
She wants to make sure y'allhave a baby.
Now what?
We don't hear.
Which another, which?
This is a whole nother.
I also need to correct the sizeof the table.
(52:56):
The table is big enough forthree people, so let's say it is
four standard cafeteria trayssize.
Melissa throws her napkin,yells, she acts a teetotal and
then she goes.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
Only Robin ignores that.
She puts on the lingerie, sheputs on the peep toes and the
slingbacks.
She puts on the McGrath theCrime Dog mink pimp coat and she
(53:20):
walks down to the wine house tomeet cole on a twin size fully
made up mattress.
That's the point I'm trying tomake.
Why would you have?
She wakes him up from a deepcoma, like sleep.
I'm assuming that has beeninduced by wine, based on the
surroundings.
She says listen, your wifewants what's best for you.
She just wants a child.
Please don't be upset with her,please don't.
(53:42):
She's playing the advocate and,for whatever reason, this
touches cole.
I would like to argue ittouches cole because he's into
it already.
Cole is probably the the easiestperson on this show to seduce,
next to terry terry.
If you breathed her the wrongway, she's on it.
But Cole is a very, very closesecond.
(54:03):
I'm considering they're I guessthey're not really blood
related, but whatever, that'shis auntie, he's like his auntie
.
Cousin Robin stands up, sheremoves said mink coat, she
reveals the lingerie and Colesays you know well, I mean hell,
we need a baby, right?
How else we gonna get a baby?
One plus one equals two, twoplus two equals four and cot
(54:26):
plus coal equals.
Take down my, my wife's babycousin robin.
We're gonna get it in realquick here on this wine house
floor and they do just that.
They do the do.
Robin is a respectable typewoman.
She slinks back to the castle Iin my, by my projections it's
at least half a mile.
(54:47):
She slinks back to the castleunder the cloak of darkness
before dawn in her mink coat,sling back and peep toe shoes or
back to wherever cold, I don'tknow where.
Cold in them.
I was like to believe that coldand Melissa kind of live in
town.
If they keep the same, if theykept the same house that he and
Shania Linda lived in, orthey're on Melissa's house,
(55:10):
they're Melissa's house.
So maybe she drove a car.
I don't really know.
The point is made she she's gota uterus full of Gia Birdie and
she's gone.
A uterus full of Gia Birdie andshe's gone.
So the next day Melissa comes tothe wine house as Cole is
putting back on his Hawaiianshirt and whatever he looks like
(55:32):
, he's on Saved by the Bell,he's an extra.
And she's like listen, I'm sosorry that that happened.
I never wanted to put you in aweird position.
I'm so sorry.
You're right, joseph is enough,we don't need any more kids.
And he's like, oh, oh, wait,what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm happy,cool, we don't need anything
else.
Now, what are you gonna do?
What would you do?
(55:55):
You can't very well be like,well, um, a couple hours ago I
was horizontal with your cousin.
I'm really, I mean, I'm.
He can't say anything.
So now here we are.
Episode 24, season 4.
Cole has just banged melissa'sbaby cousin or equal cousin they
(56:20):
seem like they're about thesame age.
He has banged her in the hopesof having a child.
I don't know, I don't reallyknow if Robin ever wanted a
child.
She could be on birth controlfor all we know.
But I know she wanted him andhe definitely wanted her because
he went ahead and went throughit.
Now is he going to be able totell Melissa Dun dun dun Baby.
(56:45):
What a time, what a time, whata time.
Thank you for joining me on thisepisode.
Don't forget to hit me up inthe show notes or through the
emailS-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at
gmailcom.
Can't wait to hear yourthoughts on this episode or any
other episodes you're watching.
Thank you, monty, for the fanmail today, and join me next
(57:08):
time as we jump back into somesoap opera debauchery.
I think we'll visit Dallasbefore we have to take a little
bit longer of a pause, becausethat season's almost over.
In the meantime, in betweentime, if your cousin and your
spouse come to you with atantalizing offer, turn the
other cheek.
Act like you are Ray Charles,stephen Warner.
(57:31):
You ain't seen nothing, youain't heard nothing.
You're Helen Keller to them.
Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and
keep all of your trauma on TV.
Bye.
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