September 13, 2025 • 50 mins
When plans go awry, true character is revealed. This pivotal episode of Falcon Crest serves as the perfect bridge toward the season finale, connecting all storylines while raising the emotional stakes for every character. Lance's escape plan collapses when Lorraine suffers a devastating fall from a fire escape, landing her in a coma with multiple injuries and the loss of their baby. Driven by love rather than self-preservation, Lance abandons his chance at freedom to be by her side, only to be arrested at the hospital in a janitor's disguise. His capture sets the stage for what promises to be a dramatic legal battle ahead. Meanwhile, Melissa's web of lies begins to unravel when Greg Reardon discovers her $50,000 payment to Joel. The revelation forces her to contemplate turning herself in, even as she worries about separation from her son Joseph. Her emotional turmoil is perfectly captured in tender bedtime scenes that showcase the high cost of her deception. Just as she prepares to confess, Robin returns with news that she's pregnant with Cole's child, adding another explosive element to an already volatile situation. Elsewhere in the valley, Chase and Maggie's anniversary celebrations are cut short by work commitments, creating tension in their marriage. When Chase is later confronted by Connie's romantic confession, his rejection is gentle but firm—though the encounter suggests more complications ahead for the couple. Perhaps most intriguing is the continued development of Cassandra and Damon's storyline, as their recurring nightmares reveal more about their mysterious past and a traumatic house fire that clearly shapes their present mission. As the episode concludes, all players are perfectly positioned for the coming finale. Will Lance face justice? Can Melissa find redemption? What is Cassandra and Damon's true connection to Falcon Crest? The answers await in what promises to be a thrilling conclusion to this season's most compelling storylines.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or
welcome back to anotherfun-filled edition of so Floor.
I'm your host, jeb, viewing andreviewing the Sophia Sudsia's
primetime storylines of 1984.
So, whether you're new to thisor true to this, sit back and
enjoy.
Tell the kids it's time to playoutside or, out of sight, tell
they have no questions.
(00:20):
Suggestions or concerns for thenext 25 to 35 minutes.
Suggestions or concerns for thenext 25 to 35 minutes.
Everyone else on airshot.
You need to be cool, quiet orget kicked out because we are
watching our stories.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, this is Soapcore.
Hello, gorgeous, welcome backto another fun little edition of
(00:48):
so cool.
I hope your day is going well.
I hope it's shaping up finebecause we have got to really
push through.
Falcon grass has two shows leftbefore the finale, so we're
going to try to put pedal to themetal, get through those as
quickly as possible while stillgiving them their due.
This episode, I gotta admit,was a little bit different, in
(01:13):
the best possible way.
There's not a lot going on, butit's all very necessary.
Falcon Crest became one of myfavorite shows because it's got
that killer combination ofmystery, action, drama.
They did it well.
I never saw the show the ModSquad, but in my mind that's
kind of what it could be.
It could have been at any pointhad they decided in season one
(01:34):
it could have gone that wholesort of mystery drama angle.
But of course they have addedin soapier elements as the
season's gone.
Seasons three and four arealmost completely different than
seasons one and two.
I'm sorry if y'all can hearthat.
I don't know why these birdsare having a whole family
reunion convention outside of mywindow.
But you know what, maybe theywant to see this show too, maybe
(01:59):
they're into it.
But I like Falcon Crest becauseit was a little bit more
mysterious, whatever, and theyhaven't really lost those
elements, they've simply addedto it.
This season it seems likethere's two or three mysteries
floating around at the same timethat people aren't aware of.
This episode is the bridge tothe conclusion.
(02:20):
Falcon Crest has always put anice little bow at the end of
all their stories.
I can't think of anything thathas sort of popped up and never
had a conclusion this season.
I thought it was going to belike Maggie's dad, which still
doesn't really make sense, but Iguess they brought him in so
that we would know that she wasadopted and then they could
introduce the other woman.
So they do things in order.
(02:41):
I mean, there's a reason foreverything and I've always liked
to show.
Because of that.
I've always appreciated it.
So go ahead and pour yourselfup something bubbly and bright.
I'm going to try to do this asquickly as possible so we can
jump to the next one and we canfinally get to the conclusion of
season four across the boardand then the end of season three
(03:02):
for not landing.
So sit back and enjoy seasonfour.
Episode 28 falcon crest, coldcomforts.
Now, when last we left the, themusic was swelling.
It was starting to feel alittle bit more like a movie.
The clock was ticking for lanceand lraine.
(03:24):
Specifically Lance, lorraine isa new addition to his escape
plan.
Everybody was trying to getthem to a super secret location
so that they can get on thisboat, get in the shipping
container and float all the wayto Italy until things blew over.
You got to admit this was sortof a rush job.
It's not really like Angela todo these sort of knee-jerk
(03:44):
things, but she had to thisepisode because Lance is acting
a teetotal fool.
He's refusing unless his girlis with him.
So I guess they are in love,love.
Some of the great love storiesthat we're all supposed to
believe and really look into isyou got Romeo and Juliet, you've
got Bonnie and Clyde, is whatcomes to mind, which I've never
(04:06):
really understood, maybe becauseI'm a little bit of a nerd.
I enjoy history and it's likeif you really read and
understand what happened toBonnie and Clyde, these kids,
they robbed a little somethinghere and there, they went on a
couple of shopping sprees and atthe end of the day they were
turned into Swiss cheese in acar.
But I guess the feeling peopleget when they see their love
(04:26):
story is that they were sodedicated, so committed to each
other, that nothing was going tostop them from being together.
I think you give them anotherthree months, they would have
fought and broke up somewhere.
That's what I think.
He might've knocked her up.
She might've gotten remarriedsomewhere in Kansas.
It wouldn't have.
(04:47):
It wouldn't have gone well.
You know what I'm saying.
But for whatever reason, bonnieand Clyde is the epitome of a
ride or die relationship.
It being on the run and in lovemeans you are Bonnie and Clyde.
We're going to have to callLorraine and Lance laundry and
tag, because this story has beena wash from the beginning.
(05:08):
This was never, ever going towork out, especially if Richard
had anything to do with it.
So when last we've left, sweetlittle Lorraine had a knee jerk
escape plan after she'd gone tothe building where Lance was and
he had already disappeared,pamela gave Angela a tip, angela
let him know, so the copscouldn't get a drop on him.
She happened to be there.
(05:30):
Lorraine's escape plan was toswiftly and nimbly crawl out on
the fire escape and run away.
Only, that didn't really workout.
She's a little bit clumsy, youknow what I'm saying and her
escape plan came to adevastating halt by way of a 50
foot fall from that fire escape.
(05:50):
You'll be happy to know thatLorraine only has a broken leg,
she has a broken arm and ofcourse, she's got a good old
fashioned fractured skull.
Because we need her to be in acoma.
That seems to be the formulafor soap hoppers If you need a
woman in a coma, fractured skullI hadn't seen a dude in one yet
, so we'll see what that does.
So consequently, but notsurprisingly, lorraine has lost
(06:16):
the baby.
It's okay, though, sort of.
She may have lost this baby,but her uterus is top-notch,
doesn't look like she's going tohave any problems going forward
.
She can still have Lance's babyif she wants.
But then she don't know any ofthis because she is deep in a
coma.
So while she's being rushed tothe hospital and all this work
is being done on her, lance isleft waiting at the dock of the
(06:38):
bay, dressed like the Hamburglar.
Angela's there to make sure heactually gets his little narrow
behind on that boat, because shedoesn't believe he will at this
point.
And she brought back up.
Chow Lee was the one who hadLorraine in the villain car.
Angela was in her littletwo-seater and she has Chow
Lee's cousin.
We'll call him Chow Lee'scousin, number five.
The captain of the ship has beennervous about this whole
(07:00):
situation from the giddy upbecause he was only told about
Lance originally.
Angela comes in last minute andis like yo, I got one more
person, I got a girl.
They're going to get on theboat.
She's going to get on the boatwith him.
You need to marry them asquickly as possible so that this
baby ain't no bastard.
And the captain wasn't reallycool with it, but what could he
do?
But now people are starting toget suspicious.
(07:24):
They should have been on theopen seas a long time ago.
It's taking forever.
He comes out of the boat and hesays Angela, we're leaving now,
point blank.
Period.
We've been waiting and waitingand waiting.
She's like no, no, seriously,she'll be here any minute.
She'll be here in like twominutes.
He said you said that 30minutes ago.
Now Lance is like wait, yeah,he's right, he's right, he's
(07:45):
right.
Why is this taking so long?
I'm going to go call FalconCrest.
So Lance skedaddles over to thephone booth, risking calling a
home that is no doubt tapped bythe feds to find out what
happened to his love.
Luckily, emma doesn't goanywhere, so she's sitting by
the phone crying and once Lancecalls, she fills him in on
(08:06):
Lorraine, even tells him wherethe hospital is.
You already know what comesnext.
We're talking about therenegade here.
It's about time for LorenzoLlamas to start making his
action movie debut.
So he turns to yell at AngelaLorraineraine's been hurt.
I'm leaving Now.
He tries to run to the car, butit is my observation that his
(08:34):
feet hurt in his boots.
This seems to be a very commontheme on Falcon Crest.
Whoever the designer, theclothing designer is, the
costume designer, they must buythe shoes and you just kind of
squeeze your foot into whateverworks, because I have to see it
almost on every episodeSomebody's walking around like
their feet hurt.
(08:54):
But that's not going to stopLance from getting to his lady
love.
Angela tries to stop him byyelling at him.
Of course he ain't trying tohear that.
So she's like Chow Lee, cousinnumber five.
Get over there Now.
I don't know how old this man is.
He looks very good, he is verygood.
He's very tall, he's lean, helooks very healthy.
But the way he moves and hismannerisms I feel like this man
(09:16):
might be in his sixties.
He just looks really good.
He looks about 40, 50, you knowsomething.
But he could be mid sixties.
Angela don't care, get overthere and stop him.
And they have, of course, anepic action scene.
Oh, this one was good.
(09:37):
Instead of being like ha hoo,ha, it was a little bit more
like like a musical, like WestSide Story.
It was when you're a jet,you're a jet all the way from
your first cigarette to yourlast dying day.
It kind of reminded me of that.
So it was very choreographed,with a final as the old man
(10:01):
flipped over, lance takesAngela's little two-seater
buttercream gang coloredMercedes and drives into the
city.
Mind you, it's probably middaywhen all this is happening.
Maybe it's early afternoon.
Lance decides after drivingwell into the night because by
the time he gets to thisdestination it's night that
maybe he shouldn't be drivingaround in this car.
There's probably a bolo out onevery vehicle from Falcon Crest.
(10:25):
So he jumps out.
He's still dressed like theHamburglar and there are plenty
of people walking about.
So I'm a little confused.
If he's at the docks in SanFrancisco, which is already the
Bay Area, doesn't seem like thecity would have been that far.
But for whatever reason, it isnight now, so he's walking
around in quote-unquote, adisguise under the cloak of
(10:46):
darkness.
All this is causing quite thekerfluffle at falcon crest.
Angela somehow made it backhome.
I guess she called a cab andfor the first time she has to
tell somebody outside of chowlee where lance is or isn't.
The manimal didn't know thatAngela was hiding Lance all this
time.
I kind of forgot.
The manimal thought he was onthe run.
(11:07):
So Angela has to confess thatshe had hit him.
Blah, blah, blah.
He ran away.
He's upset about Lorraine.
So they can all probably deducewhere he's going, but for some
reason they never get that far.
This scene also made me realizewhat drives me crazy about the
manimal.
So it's the way he saysanything with sort of an oi
(11:28):
sound, an oi sound, so oil, boilcoil, somehow lawyer, like the
part of lawyer gives him alittle bit of pause.
It drives me crazy.
So I decided to look up otherinterviews with him and I found
one from I think it's like theyear 2003.
He speaks with a real Britishaccent.
(11:50):
It's just it's a little quicker.
You could understand.
All of his words is reallycrisp, really clear, but very
fast.
So he's speaking a lot sloweron Falcon Crest.
And then I found one from like1982 and he sounded exactly like
he did in the 2003 interview.
So what I think is happening isthat if this is like 84, 85,
(12:13):
he's still sort of young.
So maybe he's picking up onthat SoCal accent and it makes
some of his words sound funny,like he has to over enunciate
anything.
I remember when my sister movedback East like she moved to
East Texas and her kids werereally really little at the time
they picked up a super thickSouthern accent.
(12:35):
Like within a month it was sothick when we'd see them.
It's like when they come backthey'd sound, they pick up on
our accents and it's just kindof this weird mix.
I think that's what's happeningwith an animal and perhaps he
has a dialect coach that is likeokay, slow down, enunciate
these words.
But it's kind of distracting ashe does it, it's like he has
peanut butter on the roof of hismouth.
(12:56):
When he talks Back to Lance,this man ends up walking all
through the night and he arrivesat the hospital by morning and
once he gets to the hospitalit's very bright outside, people
are walking about and he'sstaring up at the hospital from
the sidewalk like, ok, now, howdo I do this?
How am I going to figure outwhere she is?
(13:17):
You can't just waltz in thereNow.
As he's looking at the building, sort of contemplating how he's
going to enter it, he's beinglooked up and down, down and up
by the passerbyers.
So he's like, oh crap, it'sprobably time to ditch this
cartoon burglar outfit.
He decides that he needs toeither dress like a window
washer or a ghostbuster.
(13:42):
I guess he's thinking windowwashers clean glass can't really
see glass.
Ghostbusters clean glass can'treally see glass.
Ghostbusters find ghosts.
You can't really see ghosts, sothey ain't gonna be able to see
me if I put on this khaki,dicky suit.
He does that very thing.
He manages to sneak into thehospital, into the janitor's
closet, with his coveralls andeverything would be okay, except
(14:02):
for hospitals have nurses.
Nurses work really long shifts12, 15 hours.
Sometimes he happens upon anurse I'm calling her nurse 12
hours because she clearly isready to go home.
She's tired.
She got a little bit of anattitude.
So think about this.
(14:30):
Lance comes out of the closetand he crosses in front of her
like he's going left down thehallway and she yells at him.
She goes hey, didn't you hearthe page?
There's a spill in radiography.
Somebody made a mess.
You need to get down there.
He's oh, oh, okay, okay, sorry.
So he spins on his heels, he'sturning the cart the other way
and she's like, excuse me,radiography is down this way.
So it was the way he wasalready going.
So I'm like why is she yellingat him?
She had no reason to sayanything to him, because there's
(14:52):
no reason to believe he wasn'theading to radiology.
That's neither here nor there.
Like I said, falcon crest needsto tie all these things up.
So he turns to her.
He goes, oh, oh, I'm, I'm so.
Yeah, this is my first day.
I got a little turned around,I'm a little lost.
As he's talking, she's likeshe's looking at him and you can
sort of see realization washover her face.
(15:13):
He's also kind of cute, he'sgoing to be memorable.
And she's like, oh, okay, yeah,yeah.
So he goes about his way.
Now, how he knows whereLorraine's room is, I'm sure I
don't know.
But what I do know is thatMellie Mallick gone to visit her
.
So Melissa's at Lorraine'sbedside quietly begging her not
(15:35):
to die.
The guilt of all this is reallykicking Melissa's butt, this
episode.
But as she's whisper, prayingto Lorraine, in slips Lance.
Now he manages to pass Richardand all that.
I guess Richard's gone home andgone to bed.
But he slips in and Melissa'slike, oh my God, lance, I'm so
sorry.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to run away?
(15:55):
Do you need some money?
Maybe I can find a way to helpyou.
He doesn't know that she kindof set this thing up, but she's
guiltily saying all this, setthis thing up, but she's
guiltily saying all this, itdoesn't matter.
It's like Lance doesn't evenreally see Melissa.
All he sees is his beloved,laid up in the hospital bed with
a very neat bandage on her head.
Now, mind you, she's supposedto have a broken leg, a broken
(16:17):
arm and a fractured skull.
She has two feet of gauzegently wrapped over her bangs.
She ain't wearing no cast.
There is nary a sling in sight.
She is simply laying in the bed.
Lance sits down and, oh gosh, Iknow I haven't always been kind
(16:38):
to Lorenzo Lamas's early actingattempts, but I think he's
gotten a lot, lot bettersometimes.
And then sometimes he's reallybad.
It may have been the cocaine,the book of sugar age.
I've seen interviews where hesaid he was high sometimes and
this could be possible on thisepisode, maybe him and lorraine
allegedly, allegedly, allegedly.
(16:58):
But he sits down and he beginsto cry and listen.
The crying is really good.
It's authentic.
You can tell it's coming from aplace of pain.
His eyes are.
He's really producing water.
It's just when he talks.
He has very few lines in thescene, but somehow it's.
(17:23):
The acting is still bad, eventhough the crying is good.
I wish he'd just cried thewhole time and it's almost like
the acting is criminal becausein walks the cops just a few
moments after that Nurse 12 hourhas ratted him out.
She didn't even get the prizemoney, she just called the
police, pointed them at him.
He didn't even put up a fight,he got up in his ghostbuster
(17:46):
realness.
They put on the handcuffs andhe leaves.
The next time we see Lance, heis in a very large jail cell,
large enough to have a longtable that he can sit on when
he's visiting his grandmother.
I kid you not, he's in fulljailhouse rock attire, like
elvis presley jailhouse rock.
It's the denim on denim wherethey have the spray, the numbers
(18:10):
that they have the stencil theykind of paint it on.
And sadly that bouffant or thepompadour or whatever that he
was wearing in court would havebeen perfect for this scene.
But his hair is all flat andhe's all sad again.
Now he cries again.
But he has these lines he hasto say grandmother, I can't
touch her, I can't touchLorraine, and it's kind of bad.
(18:33):
But luckily Jane Wyman's thereto carry this scene a little
more.
So she said to you wipe yourface, baby.
You sit down, look at me, lookat me.
He looks at her.
Your grandmother is a bad B,you are a bad boy.
Baddies, don't cry, put yourchin up, chest out.
We're going to get through this.
I need you to keep the faith,baby boy.
(18:54):
I promise you, I promise you, Ipromise you we're gonna get you
out of this.
And he's sitting there like his.
His face is quite gorgeous, Ihave to admit he doesn't.
He doesn't cry beautifully, buthe does cry beautifully.
You know what I mean.
He doesn't have a horrible cryface beautiful red room eyes,
real tears.
He seems really sad.
He seems like dang.
(19:14):
I don't know, I don't know ifI'm gonna make it in here,
grandma, but angel's like you,let this baddie take care of
this Now.
While Lance is a little bitdeflated, melissa is as well.
She's really going through it,holding the secret in.
But everything's about to comebubbling to the surface.
So we see Mellie Mel atJoseph's bedside.
(19:36):
It is clearly bedtime.
It is time for his nighttimeroutine.
Joseph is curious, though he'slike, hey, where's Aunt Robin?
I ain't seen her around in awhile.
Where is she?
Melissa goes.
Oh, she ran away.
I'm sure she'll be back.
I'm sure she misses you too.
So Melissa starts to sing thislullaby.
Ok, remember what I said aboutcraig reardon's greg reardon's
(20:01):
accent.
Melissa's is a little bit theopposite.
I assume this is sort of abritish lullaby or little song.
It sounds like it could be,probably because she tries to
put on a british accent and itdoesn't really work out.
The song goes some mazy dotesand dozy dotes and little lamsy
divy, something like that.
Well, she starts singing andit's a bad accent, it's off key
(20:23):
and maybe it's a little bitcorny to baby joseph.
So he's like pause, pause, mom,ah, what are you singing?
And she goes it's a lullaby.
He goes aunt robin sang funsongs.
And she goes oh well, what didaunt robin sing to you?
(20:44):
He said beat it.
I busted out laughing, not mikejackson in bedtime, I'm here
for it.
But this is like absolutely not, you need something more
appropriate.
Mazy dotes and dozy dotes.
And she started singing.
And j Melissa's like absolutelynot, you need something more
appropriate.
Maisie dotes and dozie dotes.
And she started singing andJoseph's like okay, well, I mean
when Aunt Robin was singing shewould sing on key and it was
(21:06):
good.
Nevermind, I'll just join you.
So Joseph joins in and he'ssinging on key and it is kind of
cute.
But I disagree with Melissa'schoice here.
I don't feel like MJ isinappropriate at all If you
think about it.
Everybody who has kids orbabysits kids.
You have cousins, nieces,nephews, friends, whatever.
(21:27):
We all know that the objectiveof the day is probably two or
three things.
Number one you need to makesure that they survive the
entire day.
They don't fall off something,run in front of something.
You got to make sure they stayalive.
Number two you got to hopefullysqueeze in some sort of
nutrients to keep their bodyrunning at full speed.
(21:48):
Blah, blah, blah.
And number three, probably thebiggest one, on most days, you
want to wear them out so thatyou can rest too.
So the nighttime routine ifyou're reading a wax story,
you're singing a wax song, he'sgoing to stay up.
He's going to keep having allthese inquiries before bed.
He want to know how the moonworks and all that.
You got to tire him out.
(22:08):
So, if I may, I would take apage If I were Melissa from
Robin's book.
Go ahead and have a wholeMichael Jackson playlist.
We're going to only do Thriller.
I would suggest continue withBeat it.
Let them stand up, dance around, beat it you're going to get
all tired.
Then you got to follow it up by.
I Want To Be Starting Something.
It's slightly slower.
(22:29):
You know what I mean you cankind of ease him into that
because he's probably a littlebit tired, but that song is mad
long He'll be fine.
Next, I feel like you got to dohuman nature.
If you can hit all the notes.
If you don't like the lyrics,just change them.
You know what I'm saying?
Change a couple of them, puthis name in the song and of
course you got to end with ladyin my life.
(22:50):
I love that song.
Oh my gosh, I love that song somuch and you can be like you
could be, like you could be thebaby in my life.
Just change it.
Make it beautiful, leave themwith something sweet.
God, I love that song.
Last little part about mj Icould have sworn that pyt was on
off the wall.
I did not realize that was onthriller.
I digress, put them in there.
(23:11):
Let them sing.
That michael jackson isperfectly appropriate for a
millennial kid to sing at night.
Sing it to a millennial baby,because I definitely say all
kinds of stuff Chris Brown,erykah Badu, fleetwood Mac Sing
whatever you want.
It's a lullaby, sing, it's just.
You need a slow song so youdon't go to sleep.
Anyway, my MJ Beat.
(23:33):
It is not an inappropriatelullaby.
The inappropriate lullaby isone that she sang to Mr Joel.
Write you a check for 50 G'sQuietly deposit in.
(24:00):
For God's sakes, please Don'tgo buy new whips and drip.
Keep my name out your mouth orI'll bust your lip.
Girl, that's what she said toMr Joel McHale or, excuse me,
mccarvey, the Florida man, andit has come back to bite her in
(24:22):
the butt.
Joel did keep his mouth shut.
Unfortunately that makes no,never mind, because the manimal
is about to find out everything.
Maggie and the manimal'sresearch not only exposed
Richard as having at least somesort of connection to Joel, but
it also exposed Mel, notoutwardly, but just enough Side
(24:45):
note.
I think we can all agree thatMaggie is clearly the brains of
this operation.
Reardon is reaping the benefitsof all of her investigative
journalism.
I'm just saying he's leaningreal heavy on her hunches and
they're turning up good.
So the manimal is about to findout all kinds of information
(25:06):
from another little songbird, alittle birdie called Bartender.
So Reardon is taking his ladyof the month, the lady of the
week out, that's Aunt Terry.
They go to, of course,richard's place.
He sends up the deuces.
I thought he was sending up thedeuces to the bartender.
He was like oh no, I need twodrinks.
One thing about Terry.
I'm going to tell you whatTerry's going to.
(25:27):
Number one she's going to finda piece of gold to throw on at
some point.
She's going to make sure thatgold is shimmery and she's going
to throw on an old lady sandal.
Lord willing and the creekdon't rise.
She has on like a bedazzledmule with black tights.
Not hating on her outfit, butI'm like Terry loves the old
lady's shoes.
She got on the praise andworship 3000s, but it's neither
(25:50):
here nor there.
She's out with her man.
You know what I'm saying.
So the manimal sits Terry downand then he goes over to the bar
and the bartender's like MrReardon, I heard you've been
asking about that Joel,character Joel McCarthy.
The man was like yeah, you haveany information.
The bartender was like you know, I might, I might have a little
something.
Well, the man puts the $5 onthis little tray and slides it
to him.
(26:10):
This is the tip for thosedrinks, or he paid for them.
Hell, it's 1985.
They could have been a dollarfifty, I don't know.
The bartender says well, youknow, I may.
I think I have some prettyvaluable information.
So Reardon pulls out a hundo asthe bartender slides a little
tray back over, as in hey, put alittle more on that, I'll put a
little more in your mind.
Well, reardon puts the hundredon the little tray but he puts
(26:33):
his hand over it.
Bartender starts singing like acanary.
He says a couple months ago,florida man comes in, he was all
pissed up and bruised, he wasmad about getting kung fu by
lance cumson and walks melissa,melissa and him have a little
quick chatter, chatter, chit,chit.
Next thing you know they'rewalking out on the terrace,
(26:53):
walking out on the.
They have another littlechatter, chatter, chit, chit.
Melissa leaves.
But Joel comes back in and heis high on life.
He's requesting that the DJplay Moneybags by Cardi B.
He's hooting and hollering.
He's buying the entire roomdrinks.
Comes over to the bar, tells meoh man, my troubles are over.
(27:15):
I of course ask him well, whatdo you mean?
What's going on?
He says got this new drivingjob.
It's gonna just pay so big.
All my troubles are over.
Bartender then says he evenleft me a 200 tip that night.
You don't forget that sort ofthing.
Well, those of you wonderingtwo thousand two hundred dollars
is six hundred dollars today,but the buying power of their
(27:38):
dollar is like a dollar in 1984,1985 would buy what $10 would
buy today.
You know $600 is a lot of money.
Period.
Reardon is like dang, but helooks kind of sick now, like oh
crap.
So he does slide the bartenderthe hundred dollars which I
guess would be the equivalent of300, but he and terry can't
(27:59):
even enjoy their drinks.
He's sick to his stomach atthis point.
He grabs what she eat.
We gotta go, babe.
I'm sorry, we gotta go.
So now joel knows that melissamay be the reason why there were
so much money in joel's account.
So he does what any red-bloodedlawyer would do.
Lawyer, as he says, he invitesMellie Mill out the next day and
(28:20):
he takes her out on the terraceat Richard's place to ask for
some advice.
It's kind of weird if yourlawyer friend was asking for
advice, but maybe she thought itwas personal.
He says he's asking for afriend, but he has a friend that
he just found out did somethinga little bit terrible.
Their actions caused aninnocent man to go to jail.
Now Melissa immediately knowswhat he's talking about, but
(28:42):
they're speaking very veiledly.
There's no outright accusationshere.
Melissa says well, how do youknow that your friend had
anything at all to do with that.
Glad you asked Melly Melbecause the night previous after
Joel excuse me, after themanimal had taken on Terry home,
he goes over to Falcon Crest totalk to Angela.
(29:03):
He's like Angela, can you make afew phone calls?
I need to get some bank recordslike I need them right now.
Tonight Angie has a wholevalley in her pocket.
She's like, say less, picks upthe phone calls of the branch
manager or whoever gets whateverrecords he needs, which seems a
little bit illegal.
If I remember well, we'll getto that what he saw in the bank
(29:26):
records from Melissa was thatshe definitely did write a check
.
Now I don't know why in hell shewould write a check to Joel for
bodily injury to Lance Compsonand vehicular damage on this
date, this time, and the memoline is like he shouldn't have
called me a whore and a badmother.
I can't imagine what she wouldhave written on that check.
(29:49):
But whatever it is, it's gotreared and like yo, yeah, I have
dates, time, I have $50,000amount.
I'm pretty sure my friend didit.
The only thing left to do nowis to go to the authorities.
Melissa says well, what ifsomething can be done.
What if your friend turnsthemselves in?
She's crying, he's sad, theyhug each other and he's like,
(30:12):
yeah, but I'm sure that theauthorities would be very gentle
on her.
I would fight this, right.
How do you know?
Joel wasn't going to do somesort of.
Maybe he was going to build hera gazebo.
Maybe he was going to build aporch.
Maybe he was going to soup upher coop.
I don't know.
There's a million reasons whyyou would write that man a
$50,000 check.
(30:32):
Maybe she could be like maybewe had a little thing going on.
I didn't want him to tell Coleit was blackmail.
There's a.
This is a bad girl.
This is bad girl.
Melly, mel, what the mean?
What do you mean?
You're going to turn yourselfin?
Well, she's also riddled withguilt at this point.
She just feels so bad.
She had no intention of Lancegoing to jail.
All she wanted was for him toget stomped out.
That's it.
(30:53):
And this turned into somethingawful.
Well, it continues to get awfulbecause Melissa then goes home
and she too puts on aGhostbuster window washer type
jumpsuit.
Only hers sort of looks like anApollo 13 jumpsuit, like she's
an astronaut or, yeah, like anational, like Ridley wore an
(31:13):
alien.
She's looking at baby Josephand he's still singing that
middly, diddly, doddly, whateverthat song is.
He's singing her nursery rhymeinstead of beat it, or lady of
my life, and she's gettingreally sad.
Like dang Cole comes in, hepicks up Joseph.
Joseph is acting circles aroundhim too now that I'm thinking
about it, but she looks sadbecause she's remembering the
(31:36):
time that she was apart from himand she could possibly go to
jail Although, like I said,circumstantial.
I could have written that checkfor anything, unless she full
out wrote what I said.
Then she's screwed.
So I guess she thinks better ofthe jumpsuit.
She considers that she'sprobably going to have a mugshot
.
She can't be captured foreverin a photograph looking like
some kind of space mechanic, soshe changes into this little
(31:58):
peach number.
She decides she's going to gotalk to the cops.
She puts on the bad girl hairLet me go down here looking
fierce so if something happensthey can at least be, you know,
a little bit distracted.
Well, as she's about to leave,there's a rat attack at the door
.
They open the door.
It's cousin Robin.
Cousin Robin is looking at Coleall seductive.
Melissa's that girl, where haveyou been?
(32:23):
Your mom and dad are goingcrazy.
Your mom and dad are calling meall day, every day, wondering
where you are.
She's like girl, I know, I knowI'm going to call my mom.
Melissa's like yeah, you better, I'll be back.
They're very worried about you.
I got to go, we'll talk when Iget back.
So Melissa leaves and cousinRobin shouts after her Okay,
yeah, we'll find something to do.
(32:43):
Now she's all seductive, ductive.
When she was a quiet littlebird earlier, not anymore.
Cole's like what are you doinghere?
She goes I thought it was abouttime for me to come back.
She insinuates that she wantsanother round with Mr Gia Berti.
He's like I wish that nightnever happened, although he's
also looking her up and down.
She goes well, that doesn'tmatter anymore, because the
rabbit has died.
Then she says you're about tobe a dad.
(33:03):
I was like what does that?
The rabbit has died.
The hell is she talking about?
She's talking about the burrrabbit, tortoise and hare, the
briar, the velveteen rabbit.
What are you talking about?
I've never heard that in mylife, so I had to do a little
internet research to figure outwhat she was talking about.
So forgive me if you alreadyknow this.
I doubt it, because you're not110.
(33:24):
Circa 1940-ish, if doctors wantto know if a woman was pregnant,
they would take her urine andinject it into a rabbit a female
rabbit, obviously.
And if the female rabbit showedsigns of having HCG, which is a
pregnancy hormone, in hersystem, then they would know
that the woman is pregnant.
(33:44):
Now my very first question.
I'm not a scientist, I'm not adoctor.
Why wouldn't you just test theurine of the woman, why you need
to put in a rabbit andfurthermore, what does that mean
?
Why is rabbit dead?
It took me a few pages beforethey outright said well, they
have to kill the rabbit and I'mlike to figure out if she's
pregnant.
You have to kill the wholerabbit.
Well, they're going to kill iteither way, but they're going to
(34:07):
kill it and open up and see ifit's pregnant.
That seems like a lot.
And then eventually they wereable to do it with other animals
.
But couldn't you just test thewoman's pee?
So the rabbit has died is a wayof saying a woman is pregnant,
but also, the rabbit was goingto be dead regardless.
Make it, make sense.
It'll make sense to me.
But you know what?
(34:27):
There's clear, blue, easy.
That's how they do it.
I knew they used to do bloodtests too.
Can you just anyway, let's getoff that?
She let him know that he'sabout to be a daddy.
She's carrying his littleBambino.
So Joseph has a cousin, brother, sister coming up.
Speaking of investigations,maggie is now working on Leather
Pants Pam.
See, maggie had a thought whileshe was talking to the manimal
(34:51):
in Chase over coffee.
She said okay, we know Richardput money on Joel's books at the
rehab center, but why?
The only person who's going toactually tell us is Pam.
Pam knows everything aboutRichard.
So Maggie invites Leather PantsPam out to lunch and to my
surprise, leather Pants Pamshows up in an easy breezy white
(35:13):
ensemble like a super longtunic.
Of course she has a littleleather clutch.
You know she's got to keep itlight, but she has 100,000
reasons to keep her mouth shut.
Maybe it's because she's loyalto Richard, maybe because she
has been paid to keep her mouthshut.
So she doesn't mention Melissa.
Maggie said girl, I know youand Richard are a thing.
(35:34):
I'm not really trying to comebetween, whatever y'all have
going on, but think of Lorraine.
Lorraine is in a coma in behindall of this foolishness.
Do you know how devastatedshe's going to be if anything
happens to Lance.
Nobody knows that Lance isarrested at this point.
Leather Pants Pam keeps hispoker face.
I am loyal to Richard.
I don't know what you're talkingabout, maggie.
She gets up and leaves in hereasy breezy.
(35:54):
So I guess Leather Pants Pam isonly wearing leather on days
with the letter U in it.
So I'm assuming this is aMonday, wednesday and Friday.
I don't know why.
I believe that.
I just do Because leather isheavy, especially in SoCal, like
in California.
You gotta consider the weightand the un.
It's not a breathable material.
(36:14):
Good on her for switching it up, wearing a little silk from
time to time so her skin can getsome air.
Maggie's like ah, you know Itried.
She goes home because it is heranniversary.
She and chase are going tocelebrate umpteen years of
marital bliss.
Quick aside, maggie always looksabsolutely just.
She looks incredible all thetime, and I'm talking about the
(36:35):
way they style her.
It's never too much, it'salways just enough.
She looks like she could be ina catalog.
It looks, it just looks reallygood.
I always.
I love everything she wears onthis.
She never, ever looks like whatgirl you got on, and this is no
exception.
I don't remember what she waswearing at first because her
husband walks in with this bigold box.
Oh gosh, it's not the good giftbox like the pretty ones, it's
(37:03):
those little flimsy ones theygive you if you go to a
department store and it'sChristmas, you know it's.
It's the kind that kind of foldflat and you pop them out their
cardboard.
I hate those boxes witheverything in my soul.
I hate those so much.
I used to reinforce them withduct tape so they would be a
little more stiff.
Anyway, I don't even use those.
(37:24):
I hate those.
She opens it and it is a fly.
I don't know if it's a mink ora fur out of chinchilla, some
sort of fur coat.
It is gorgeous.
She puts it on.
She's like oh my God, she lovesit.
But the phone rings and she hasto take off her giant Zsa, zsa
clip-on earring, which is one ofmy favorite things to see
people do on a soap opera.
(37:45):
I love when they take off theirclip-on.
She answers the phone and it'sthe Globe Mag.
You got to get down here.
They arrested lands.
We got to work.
We had to put this story outtonight.
She's like oh my god, can canit wait like can I do?
Y'all really need me there?
They're like yeah, we reallyneed you there.
You have to be the one toapprove it and this is you know.
You can't remote in, so youhave to come.
(38:05):
She tells chase babe, I'm sosorry, I gotta go.
But as she's on the, I noticedshe has this gorgeous tennis
bracelet.
She just looks a hundred timesricher in this scene.
For some reason it's the coat,a hundred percent.
So she has to leave and Chaseis a little bit sad.
He's like well, I'm sorry onboth accounts.
I'm sorry that Lance is in jailand I'm sorry that you got to
go.
You know no big deal, he's notactually mad at all.
(38:33):
So when Maggie leaves, thenight is still young enough.
Chase walks down to the winehouse to find Connie Giannini
feverishly working on theperfect champagne.
So he walks in Connie's workingon the champagne.
Hey, chase, how's it going?
It's going well.
What about that champagne youwere working on earlier?
Oh sure.
She goes over to the littlemini fridge and she pulls out a
beaker of champagne.
I love this.
My country behind thought theywere going to take swigs out out
a beaker of champagne.
I was like I love this.
My country behind, thought theywere going to take swigs out of
(38:53):
the beaker.
But then I remember this is aclassy establishment, this is a
classy soap opera.
Obviously, if you own avineyard, you have tons and tons
of proper flutes and wineglasses around.
So of course she pulls out theflutes, pours the champagne from
the beaker, swirls it around,do whatever you got to do.
(39:15):
I don't know if you swirlchampagne, I feel like they did.
Chase tasted and he's alldelicious.
He makes the devastatingly sexymistake of using his panty
dropper voice to describe thedepths and the richness and the
taste of this here.
(39:40):
Champagne.
He's all sexy, subtle Girl,that's all Connie can take.
The way he's describing thischampagne made Connie want to go
home and put on some lingerie.
Her lust for him.
This episode is, in my mind,reflected through her hair.
Her hair keeps getting biggerand bigger.
Every time they see her, it'sbigger.
(40:03):
The thing is it's not 80s big,you know what I mean.
It's not hairband 80s big hairwhere it's teased in a different
.
You know what I mean.
There's 80s big hair and thenthere's 60s big hair.
Her hair looks like 60s bighair.
Her and Terry.
This episode, actually, I don'tknow why.
They look like one of thelittle girls on Toddler and
(40:23):
Tierra.
They're going to be in apageant.
You know the weird little wavethey have to do in their hair?
Connie's hair looks like thatand it's getting bigger and
bigger because Chase is turningher own Before you know it.
She's like for crying out loud.
Chase, stop using your quietstorm voice.
She confesses to him that he'sa total smoke show.
He's got brains, he's got class.
(40:45):
He's one of the most incrediblemen she's ever met.
He's a man of her dreams.
You're so sexy, chase.
Let's make this thing real.
She goes over and she kisses him.
To his credit, he immediatelybacks up.
He doesn't push her, he backsup, but he does grab her arms
and then he grabs her wrist.
She's like, chase, I'm so sickof pretending like you're not
hot.
I am so attracted to you.
(41:06):
Please, let's just do this,chase, ever.
The gentleman, yeah, he's like,oh God, connie.
Connie, I'm sorry.
He apologizes for being so sexy.
I'm sorry.
I'm so devastatingly.
Gosh, I be forgetting sometimes.
You know what I mean.
I just hop up out of bed, Iturn my swag on and I forget
(41:26):
that it could be.
It could cause a woman to strayand I'm really sorry if I
brought this on.
Let me take my sexy selfsomewhere else.
Let me leave.
So he leaves, he goes home andhe puts on his full pajamas I
mean silk pants and a button upsleep shirt.
He goes to bed.
Maggie didn't come home till thenext morning, but she bounces
on the bed in her fur coat.
She loves that coat.
(41:46):
She looked good in it too.
She's like hey, boo-boo, youwant to finish what we were
getting started.
He's mad.
He got her attitude this morning.
It's like where did this comefrom?
Maybe because she woke him up,maybe because I don't know,
maybe he's struggling with Tawny.
He didn't seem to be.
(42:07):
But he tells Maggie well, don'tyou have some work to do?
He says something really snippy.
So I suppose this is a preludeto something we're supposed to
believe.
They're having more maritalproblems because she's
overworking, not to mentionshe's overworking right,
allegedly.
Was it this season, soap fiends, or was it last season?
Didn't he go to Europe to chasearound clues and stuff?
He was obsessed.
(42:28):
Yeah, that was the beginning ofthis season, season four.
Was he or was he not obsessedwith figuring out what happened
to that plane?
That took up all of his time.
But she's been working for twoweeks and you got an attitude in
silk pajamas, have a seat Chase.
I suppose I should mention thatLorraine does eventually wake
up, for whatever reason shechooses.
(42:52):
This sort of struggle breathlike the.
You know, I'm malcolm in themiddle, malcolm's little friend
who would.
That sucks when you talk likethat.
Well, she does that in thisscene and actually I'm not mad
at it.
It makes a lot of sense thatsomeone who went splatter, tat,
tat on a concrete sidewalk from50, 60 feet in the air seems
(43:17):
like you did knock your breathout.
Something would change.
And I guess, since she's notwearing a cast, we, we gotta, we
gotta imply that she is in painor that she is struggling in
some capacity because she looksperfectly normal.
She says, says I'm not going todo the breathy thing because
I'll pass out.
But she basically says she knowsthat Lance is in jail because
(43:38):
he's not by her side.
She had a dream that he was byher side.
If he's not here in this moment, that must mean something
happened.
And Richard does say yes,darling, he's in jail.
Lorraine says dude, I neverasked for a lot, but do you
remember when I was little and Iused to ask you to help me.
I'm asking you to help me now.
Please get Lance out of jail sohe can be at home with me and
(44:02):
our baby Leather Pants.
Pam and Richard kind of giveeach other the eye.
Then they go out in the hallwayand they're like dang, when are
we going to tell her that shelost the baby?
We'll give it a little bit.
We'll give it a little bitleather pants.
Pam tries to plead with richardagain.
Like richard, what, sir?
What are you gaining at thispoint?
The whole point of putting lancein jail was so that he would be
(44:25):
away from the rain.
Now you're gonna lose her forthis, but do what she says.
Be the man that she wants youto be.
Do this for her, at least try,and that way you can at least
salvage that relationship.
I've said this before, I won'tharp on it.
But there is something sopeculiar about Richard.
Like he is, he is classicallyhandsome, but he always sort of
(44:49):
fidgets around like he's got thebubble guts or he definitely
hears voices or something.
His, his body just can't quitebe comfortable.
He's kind of gurgling, andthat's the, that's the term I'll
use.
His body sort of gurgles to me.
Anyway, all of these stories, Iguess could sort of be
standalone this episode.
They connect, but they don'treally connect.
(45:09):
This is all just a bridge tothe next episode.
The only other thing that I feellike needs to be spoken of real
quick is a Cassandra and Damonangle.
Everything, everything is set.
They bought what they needed tobuy.
They have convinced who theyneeded to convince.
All that's left to do is topush the button, I guess, and
(45:30):
put the plan in motion, or putthe finale in motion.
I don't really know what it is.
One thing I do know, one thingthat is very, very clear, is
that Cassandra and Damon,they're not killers, they're not
connivers, they're not reallycut out for this sort of thing.
They have a conversation in theprivacy of Cassandra's office,
which is peppered with peach.
(45:52):
I hate the way that peach looks.
But Cassandra at the privacy ofCassandra's office, which is
peppered with peach I hate theway that peach looks.
But Cassandra at the top of theshow was at the hospital with
Richard.
I guess she showed up afterLorraine was in it, because
Richard jumped into theambulance by himself with
Lorraine, but by the time he gotto the hospital, cassandra was
there and she feels bad for him.
Dude, you need to go rest.
Why don't you use my apartment?
(46:13):
My apartment's really close.
You can just stay there andsleep and then you can come back
and check on her whenever youneed.
He's like that's very nice, butI think I'd rather just stay
around.
Well, damon knows that.
But Cassandra also knows thatDamon has been taking Emma all
around.
He wants to take Emma to NewYork.
He's having all these dinners.
Cassandra can tell that Damonreally likes Emma and Damon can
(46:35):
tell that Cassandra really likesRichard.
They both know they need tokeep their eyes on the prize,
but it's becoming a little bitmore difficult.
So they kind of bickering witheach other.
Cassandra's like why are youwalking around with your little
girlfriend?
Damon's like why are youwalking around with your little
boyfriend?
Cassandra tries to say Damon,you're not cut out for this.
(46:57):
And he's like oh, and you are.
This ain't even our plan.
This is mom's plan.
He's right, it's not even theirplan.
You can tell they don't have itin them like that.
These aren't evil people.
They actually like the peoplethey're supposed to destroy, but
they can't go against theirmother.
Also, cassandra, this sweetwoman, this woman needs some
Ambien.
Or do you need Emma's pillsthat she stowed away on season
(47:21):
one when she was acting realkookaloo.
She needs something becausethis woman has been having night
terrors her entire life.
It seems she's 28 to maybe 34years old.
That's a long time to wake upscreaming.
Every time you lay your headdown on a pillow, we get to see
a little bit more of what shesees in her dreams this episode.
(47:42):
So now we know she was in thefire, damon was in the fire,
they were navigating getting outof the house and you can hear a
warped voice.
All this time I thought it washer mom.
It appears it's a man this timebecause he's like Cassandra
Cassandra, but we can see himthis time.
And the set designers forFalcon Crest didn't actually
(48:03):
build out a whole set Like it'snot a real house.
It looks like something youwould put on stage.
So you see the doorway, thedoorframe and you can see like a
fireplace in the background.
You can see all this fire andthe dad has or this man has his
arm in front of his face.
He's looking for the kids whena beam on fire falls from the
ceiling and I am to assume hewas consumed by the fire.
(48:27):
I'm kind of secretly hoping,though.
This is a whole Bates Motelsituation or psycho situation,
where we're thinking it's themom, maybe it's the dad who
thinks he's a mom and he's likeall covered up, because when we
saw Cassandra and Damon's mom,head to toe covered in all black
gloves and all that, or maybeit was, you know, maybe their
(48:49):
dad died and that's why she met.
I don't know what the connectionis to Falcon Crest yet, but I
know we're going to find out inthe next couple of episodes.
That's pretty much it for thisone.
This was just sort ofconnecting all the dots.
So we got cousin Robin is backin town and she is with child.
Melissa has been found out byat least one other person.
(49:10):
Melissa's money is long.
She paid Joel $50,000.
She paid Pam $100,000.
She's trying to drop even moremoney on Lance so that he could
escape.
It's all too much for the badgirl, but it would appear that
we're getting closer to gettingLance acquitted.
All right, guys, that's it.
That's all for this episode.
(49:31):
Join me next time as we jumpinto another delectable vintage
primetime soap opera.
In the meantime, in betweentime, can we just get blood work
for pregnancy?
Kill the rabbit.
You killed a whole rabbit.
I'm still a little bit shook.
Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and
(49:51):
keep all of your drama on TV.
Thank you, Bye.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome, or
welcome back to anotherfun-filled edition of so Floor.
I'm your host, jeb, viewing andreviewing the Sophia Sudsia's
primetime storylines of 1984.
So, whether you're new to thisor true to this, sit back and
enjoy.
Tell the kids it's time to playoutside or, out of sight, tell
they have no questions.
(00:20):
Suggestions or concerns for thenext 25 to 35 minutes.
Suggestions or concerns for thenext 25 to 35 minutes.
Everyone else on airshot.
You need to be cool, quiet orget kicked out because we are
watching our stories.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, this is Soapcore.
Hello, gorgeous, welcome backto another fun little edition of
(00:48):
so cool.
I hope your day is going well.
I hope it's shaping up finebecause we have got to really
push through.
Falcon grass has two shows leftbefore the finale, so we're
going to try to put pedal to themetal, get through those as
quickly as possible while stillgiving them their due.
This episode, I gotta admit,was a little bit different, in
(01:13):
the best possible way.
There's not a lot going on, butit's all very necessary.
Falcon Crest became one of myfavorite shows because it's got
that killer combination ofmystery, action, drama.
They did it well.
I never saw the show the ModSquad, but in my mind that's
kind of what it could be.
It could have been at any pointhad they decided in season one
(01:34):
it could have gone that wholesort of mystery drama angle.
But of course they have addedin soapier elements as the
season's gone.
Seasons three and four arealmost completely different than
seasons one and two.
I'm sorry if y'all can hearthat.
I don't know why these birdsare having a whole family
reunion convention outside of mywindow.
But you know what, maybe theywant to see this show too, maybe
(01:59):
they're into it.
But I like Falcon Crest becauseit was a little bit more
mysterious, whatever, and theyhaven't really lost those
elements, they've simply addedto it.
This season it seems likethere's two or three mysteries
floating around at the same timethat people aren't aware of.
This episode is the bridge tothe conclusion.
(02:20):
Falcon Crest has always put anice little bow at the end of
all their stories.
I can't think of anything thathas sort of popped up and never
had a conclusion this season.
I thought it was going to belike Maggie's dad, which still
doesn't really make sense, but Iguess they brought him in so
that we would know that she wasadopted and then they could
introduce the other woman.
So they do things in order.
(02:41):
I mean, there's a reason foreverything and I've always liked
to show.
Because of that.
I've always appreciated it.
So go ahead and pour yourselfup something bubbly and bright.
I'm going to try to do this asquickly as possible so we can
jump to the next one and we canfinally get to the conclusion of
season four across the boardand then the end of season three
(03:02):
for not landing.
So sit back and enjoy seasonfour.
Episode 28 falcon crest, coldcomforts.
Now, when last we left the, themusic was swelling.
It was starting to feel alittle bit more like a movie.
The clock was ticking for lanceand lraine.
(03:24):
Specifically Lance, lorraine isa new addition to his escape
plan.
Everybody was trying to getthem to a super secret location
so that they can get on thisboat, get in the shipping
container and float all the wayto Italy until things blew over.
You got to admit this was sortof a rush job.
It's not really like Angela todo these sort of knee-jerk
(03:44):
things, but she had to thisepisode because Lance is acting
a teetotal fool.
He's refusing unless his girlis with him.
So I guess they are in love,love.
Some of the great love storiesthat we're all supposed to
believe and really look into isyou got Romeo and Juliet, you've
got Bonnie and Clyde, is whatcomes to mind, which I've never
(04:06):
really understood, maybe becauseI'm a little bit of a nerd.
I enjoy history and it's likeif you really read and
understand what happened toBonnie and Clyde, these kids,
they robbed a little somethinghere and there, they went on a
couple of shopping sprees and atthe end of the day they were
turned into Swiss cheese in acar.
But I guess the feeling peopleget when they see their love
(04:26):
story is that they were sodedicated, so committed to each
other, that nothing was going tostop them from being together.
I think you give them anotherthree months, they would have
fought and broke up somewhere.
That's what I think.
He might've knocked her up.
She might've gotten remarriedsomewhere in Kansas.
It wouldn't have.
(04:47):
It wouldn't have gone well.
You know what I'm saying.
But for whatever reason, bonnieand Clyde is the epitome of a
ride or die relationship.
It being on the run and in lovemeans you are Bonnie and Clyde.
We're going to have to callLorraine and Lance laundry and
tag, because this story has beena wash from the beginning.
(05:08):
This was never, ever going towork out, especially if Richard
had anything to do with it.
So when last we've left, sweetlittle Lorraine had a knee jerk
escape plan after she'd gone tothe building where Lance was and
he had already disappeared,pamela gave Angela a tip, angela
let him know, so the copscouldn't get a drop on him.
She happened to be there.
(05:30):
Lorraine's escape plan was toswiftly and nimbly crawl out on
the fire escape and run away.
Only, that didn't really workout.
She's a little bit clumsy, youknow what I'm saying and her
escape plan came to adevastating halt by way of a 50
foot fall from that fire escape.
(05:50):
You'll be happy to know thatLorraine only has a broken leg,
she has a broken arm and ofcourse, she's got a good old
fashioned fractured skull.
Because we need her to be in acoma.
That seems to be the formulafor soap hoppers If you need a
woman in a coma, fractured skullI hadn't seen a dude in one yet
, so we'll see what that does.
So consequently, but notsurprisingly, lorraine has lost
(06:16):
the baby.
It's okay, though, sort of.
She may have lost this baby,but her uterus is top-notch,
doesn't look like she's going tohave any problems going forward
.
She can still have Lance's babyif she wants.
But then she don't know any ofthis because she is deep in a
coma.
So while she's being rushed tothe hospital and all this work
is being done on her, lance isleft waiting at the dock of the
(06:38):
bay, dressed like the Hamburglar.
Angela's there to make sure heactually gets his little narrow
behind on that boat, because shedoesn't believe he will at this
point.
And she brought back up.
Chow Lee was the one who hadLorraine in the villain car.
Angela was in her littletwo-seater and she has Chow
Lee's cousin.
We'll call him Chow Lee'scousin, number five.
The captain of the ship has beennervous about this whole
(07:00):
situation from the giddy upbecause he was only told about
Lance originally.
Angela comes in last minute andis like yo, I got one more
person, I got a girl.
They're going to get on theboat.
She's going to get on the boatwith him.
You need to marry them asquickly as possible so that this
baby ain't no bastard.
And the captain wasn't reallycool with it, but what could he
do?
But now people are starting toget suspicious.
(07:24):
They should have been on theopen seas a long time ago.
It's taking forever.
He comes out of the boat and hesays Angela, we're leaving now,
point blank.
Period.
We've been waiting and waitingand waiting.
She's like no, no, seriously,she'll be here any minute.
She'll be here in like twominutes.
He said you said that 30minutes ago.
Now Lance is like wait, yeah,he's right, he's right, he's
(07:45):
right.
Why is this taking so long?
I'm going to go call FalconCrest.
So Lance skedaddles over to thephone booth, risking calling a
home that is no doubt tapped bythe feds to find out what
happened to his love.
Luckily, emma doesn't goanywhere, so she's sitting by
the phone crying and once Lancecalls, she fills him in on
(08:06):
Lorraine, even tells him wherethe hospital is.
You already know what comesnext.
We're talking about therenegade here.
It's about time for LorenzoLlamas to start making his
action movie debut.
So he turns to yell at AngelaLorraineraine's been hurt.
I'm leaving Now.
He tries to run to the car, butit is my observation that his
(08:34):
feet hurt in his boots.
This seems to be a very commontheme on Falcon Crest.
Whoever the designer, theclothing designer is, the
costume designer, they must buythe shoes and you just kind of
squeeze your foot into whateverworks, because I have to see it
almost on every episodeSomebody's walking around like
their feet hurt.
(08:54):
But that's not going to stopLance from getting to his lady
love.
Angela tries to stop him byyelling at him.
Of course he ain't trying tohear that.
So she's like Chow Lee, cousinnumber five.
Get over there Now.
I don't know how old this man is.
He looks very good, he is verygood.
He's very tall, he's lean, helooks very healthy.
But the way he moves and hismannerisms I feel like this man
(09:16):
might be in his sixties.
He just looks really good.
He looks about 40, 50, you knowsomething.
But he could be mid sixties.
Angela don't care, get overthere and stop him.
And they have, of course, anepic action scene.
Oh, this one was good.
(09:37):
Instead of being like ha hoo,ha, it was a little bit more
like like a musical, like WestSide Story.
It was when you're a jet,you're a jet all the way from
your first cigarette to yourlast dying day.
It kind of reminded me of that.
So it was very choreographed,with a final as the old man
(10:01):
flipped over, lance takesAngela's little two-seater
buttercream gang coloredMercedes and drives into the
city.
Mind you, it's probably middaywhen all this is happening.
Maybe it's early afternoon.
Lance decides after drivingwell into the night because by
the time he gets to thisdestination it's night that
maybe he shouldn't be drivingaround in this car.
There's probably a bolo out onevery vehicle from Falcon Crest.
(10:25):
So he jumps out.
He's still dressed like theHamburglar and there are plenty
of people walking about.
So I'm a little confused.
If he's at the docks in SanFrancisco, which is already the
Bay Area, doesn't seem like thecity would have been that far.
But for whatever reason, it isnight now, so he's walking
around in quote-unquote, adisguise under the cloak of
(10:46):
darkness.
All this is causing quite thekerfluffle at falcon crest.
Angela somehow made it backhome.
I guess she called a cab andfor the first time she has to
tell somebody outside of chowlee where lance is or isn't.
The manimal didn't know thatAngela was hiding Lance all this
time.
I kind of forgot.
The manimal thought he was onthe run.
(11:07):
So Angela has to confess thatshe had hit him.
Blah, blah, blah.
He ran away.
He's upset about Lorraine.
So they can all probably deducewhere he's going, but for some
reason they never get that far.
This scene also made me realizewhat drives me crazy about the
manimal.
So it's the way he saysanything with sort of an oi
(11:28):
sound, an oi sound, so oil, boilcoil, somehow lawyer, like the
part of lawyer gives him alittle bit of pause.
It drives me crazy.
So I decided to look up otherinterviews with him and I found
one from I think it's like theyear 2003.
He speaks with a real Britishaccent.
(11:50):
It's just it's a little quicker.
You could understand.
All of his words is reallycrisp, really clear, but very
fast.
So he's speaking a lot sloweron Falcon Crest.
And then I found one from like1982 and he sounded exactly like
he did in the 2003 interview.
So what I think is happening isthat if this is like 84, 85,
(12:13):
he's still sort of young.
So maybe he's picking up onthat SoCal accent and it makes
some of his words sound funny,like he has to over enunciate
anything.
I remember when my sister movedback East like she moved to
East Texas and her kids werereally really little at the time
they picked up a super thickSouthern accent.
(12:35):
Like within a month it was sothick when we'd see them.
It's like when they come backthey'd sound, they pick up on
our accents and it's just kindof this weird mix.
I think that's what's happeningwith an animal and perhaps he
has a dialect coach that is likeokay, slow down, enunciate
these words.
But it's kind of distracting ashe does it, it's like he has
peanut butter on the roof of hismouth.
(12:56):
When he talks Back to Lance,this man ends up walking all
through the night and he arrivesat the hospital by morning and
once he gets to the hospitalit's very bright outside, people
are walking about and he'sstaring up at the hospital from
the sidewalk like, ok, now, howdo I do this?
How am I going to figure outwhere she is?
(13:17):
You can't just waltz in thereNow.
As he's looking at the building, sort of contemplating how he's
going to enter it, he's beinglooked up and down, down and up
by the passerbyers.
So he's like, oh crap, it'sprobably time to ditch this
cartoon burglar outfit.
He decides that he needs toeither dress like a window
washer or a ghostbuster.
(13:42):
I guess he's thinking windowwashers clean glass can't really
see glass.
Ghostbusters clean glass can'treally see glass.
Ghostbusters find ghosts.
You can't really see ghosts, sothey ain't gonna be able to see
me if I put on this khaki,dicky suit.
He does that very thing.
He manages to sneak into thehospital, into the janitor's
closet, with his coveralls andeverything would be okay, except
(14:02):
for hospitals have nurses.
Nurses work really long shifts12, 15 hours.
Sometimes he happens upon anurse I'm calling her nurse 12
hours because she clearly isready to go home.
She's tired.
She got a little bit of anattitude.
So think about this.
(14:30):
Lance comes out of the closetand he crosses in front of her
like he's going left down thehallway and she yells at him.
She goes hey, didn't you hearthe page?
There's a spill in radiography.
Somebody made a mess.
You need to get down there.
He's oh, oh, okay, okay, sorry.
So he spins on his heels, he'sturning the cart the other way
and she's like, excuse me,radiography is down this way.
So it was the way he wasalready going.
So I'm like why is she yellingat him?
She had no reason to sayanything to him, because there's
(14:52):
no reason to believe he wasn'theading to radiology.
That's neither here nor there.
Like I said, falcon crest needsto tie all these things up.
So he turns to her.
He goes, oh, oh, I'm, I'm so.
Yeah, this is my first day.
I got a little turned around,I'm a little lost.
As he's talking, she's likeshe's looking at him and you can
sort of see realization washover her face.
(15:13):
He's also kind of cute, he'sgoing to be memorable.
And she's like, oh, okay, yeah,yeah.
So he goes about his way.
Now, how he knows whereLorraine's room is, I'm sure I
don't know.
But what I do know is thatMellie Mallick gone to visit her
.
So Melissa's at Lorraine'sbedside quietly begging her not
(15:35):
to die.
The guilt of all this is reallykicking Melissa's butt, this
episode.
But as she's whisper, prayingto Lorraine, in slips Lance.
Now he manages to pass Richardand all that.
I guess Richard's gone home andgone to bed.
But he slips in and Melissa'slike, oh my God, lance, I'm so
sorry.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to run away?
(15:55):
Do you need some money?
Maybe I can find a way to helpyou.
He doesn't know that she kindof set this thing up, but she's
guiltily saying all this, setthis thing up, but she's
guiltily saying all this, itdoesn't matter.
It's like Lance doesn't evenreally see Melissa.
All he sees is his beloved,laid up in the hospital bed with
a very neat bandage on her head.
Now, mind you, she's supposedto have a broken leg, a broken
(16:17):
arm and a fractured skull.
She has two feet of gauzegently wrapped over her bangs.
She ain't wearing no cast.
There is nary a sling in sight.
She is simply laying in the bed.
Lance sits down and, oh gosh, Iknow I haven't always been kind
(16:38):
to Lorenzo Lamas's early actingattempts, but I think he's
gotten a lot, lot bettersometimes.
And then sometimes he's reallybad.
It may have been the cocaine,the book of sugar age.
I've seen interviews where hesaid he was high sometimes and
this could be possible on thisepisode, maybe him and lorraine
allegedly, allegedly, allegedly.
(16:58):
But he sits down and he beginsto cry and listen.
The crying is really good.
It's authentic.
You can tell it's coming from aplace of pain.
His eyes are.
He's really producing water.
It's just when he talks.
He has very few lines in thescene, but somehow it's.
(17:23):
The acting is still bad, eventhough the crying is good.
I wish he'd just cried thewhole time and it's almost like
the acting is criminal becausein walks the cops just a few
moments after that Nurse 12 hourhas ratted him out.
She didn't even get the prizemoney, she just called the
police, pointed them at him.
He didn't even put up a fight,he got up in his ghostbuster
(17:46):
realness.
They put on the handcuffs andhe leaves.
The next time we see Lance, heis in a very large jail cell,
large enough to have a longtable that he can sit on when
he's visiting his grandmother.
I kid you not, he's in fulljailhouse rock attire, like
elvis presley jailhouse rock.
It's the denim on denim wherethey have the spray, the numbers
(18:10):
that they have the stencil theykind of paint it on.
And sadly that bouffant or thepompadour or whatever that he
was wearing in court would havebeen perfect for this scene.
But his hair is all flat andhe's all sad again.
Now he cries again.
But he has these lines he hasto say grandmother, I can't
touch her, I can't touchLorraine, and it's kind of bad.
(18:33):
But luckily Jane Wyman's thereto carry this scene a little
more.
So she said to you wipe yourface, baby.
You sit down, look at me, lookat me.
He looks at her.
Your grandmother is a bad B,you are a bad boy.
Baddies, don't cry, put yourchin up, chest out.
We're going to get through this.
I need you to keep the faith,baby boy.
(18:54):
I promise you, I promise you, Ipromise you we're gonna get you
out of this.
And he's sitting there like his.
His face is quite gorgeous, Ihave to admit he doesn't.
He doesn't cry beautifully, buthe does cry beautifully.
You know what I mean.
He doesn't have a horrible cryface beautiful red room eyes,
real tears.
He seems really sad.
He seems like dang.
(19:14):
I don't know, I don't know ifI'm gonna make it in here,
grandma, but angel's like you,let this baddie take care of
this Now.
While Lance is a little bitdeflated, melissa is as well.
She's really going through it,holding the secret in.
But everything's about to comebubbling to the surface.
So we see Mellie Mel atJoseph's bedside.
(19:36):
It is clearly bedtime.
It is time for his nighttimeroutine.
Joseph is curious, though he'slike, hey, where's Aunt Robin?
I ain't seen her around in awhile.
Where is she?
Melissa goes.
Oh, she ran away.
I'm sure she'll be back.
I'm sure she misses you too.
So Melissa starts to sing thislullaby.
Ok, remember what I said aboutcraig reardon's greg reardon's
(20:01):
accent.
Melissa's is a little bit theopposite.
I assume this is sort of abritish lullaby or little song.
It sounds like it could be,probably because she tries to
put on a british accent and itdoesn't really work out.
The song goes some mazy dotesand dozy dotes and little lamsy
divy, something like that.
Well, she starts singing andit's a bad accent, it's off key
(20:23):
and maybe it's a little bitcorny to baby joseph.
So he's like pause, pause, mom,ah, what are you singing?
And she goes it's a lullaby.
He goes aunt robin sang funsongs.
And she goes oh well, what didaunt robin sing to you?
(20:44):
He said beat it.
I busted out laughing, not mikejackson in bedtime, I'm here
for it.
But this is like absolutely not, you need something more
appropriate.
Mazy dotes and dozy dotes.
And she started singing.
And j Melissa's like absolutelynot, you need something more
appropriate.
Maisie dotes and dozie dotes.
And she started singing andJoseph's like okay, well, I mean
when Aunt Robin was singing shewould sing on key and it was
(21:06):
good.
Nevermind, I'll just join you.
So Joseph joins in and he'ssinging on key and it is kind of
cute.
But I disagree with Melissa'schoice here.
I don't feel like MJ isinappropriate at all If you
think about it.
Everybody who has kids orbabysits kids.
You have cousins, nieces,nephews, friends, whatever.
(21:27):
We all know that the objectiveof the day is probably two or
three things.
Number one you need to makesure that they survive the
entire day.
They don't fall off something,run in front of something.
You got to make sure they stayalive.
Number two you got to hopefullysqueeze in some sort of
nutrients to keep their bodyrunning at full speed.
(21:48):
Blah, blah, blah.
And number three, probably thebiggest one, on most days, you
want to wear them out so thatyou can rest too.
So the nighttime routine ifyou're reading a wax story,
you're singing a wax song, he'sgoing to stay up.
He's going to keep having allthese inquiries before bed.
He want to know how the moonworks and all that.
You got to tire him out.
(22:08):
So, if I may, I would take apage If I were Melissa from
Robin's book.
Go ahead and have a wholeMichael Jackson playlist.
We're going to only do Thriller.
I would suggest continue withBeat it.
Let them stand up, dance around, beat it you're going to get
all tired.
Then you got to follow it up by.
I Want To Be Starting Something.
It's slightly slower.
(22:29):
You know what I mean you cankind of ease him into that
because he's probably a littlebit tired, but that song is mad
long He'll be fine.
Next, I feel like you got to dohuman nature.
If you can hit all the notes.
If you don't like the lyrics,just change them.
You know what I'm saying?
Change a couple of them, puthis name in the song and of
course you got to end with ladyin my life.
(22:50):
I love that song.
Oh my gosh, I love that song somuch and you can be like you
could be, like you could be thebaby in my life.
Just change it.
Make it beautiful, leave themwith something sweet.
God, I love that song.
Last little part about mj Icould have sworn that pyt was on
off the wall.
I did not realize that was onthriller.
I digress, put them in there.
(23:11):
Let them sing.
That michael jackson isperfectly appropriate for a
millennial kid to sing at night.
Sing it to a millennial baby,because I definitely say all
kinds of stuff Chris Brown,erykah Badu, fleetwood Mac Sing
whatever you want.
It's a lullaby, sing, it's just.
You need a slow song so youdon't go to sleep.
Anyway, my MJ Beat.
(23:33):
It is not an inappropriatelullaby.
The inappropriate lullaby isone that she sang to Mr Joel.
Write you a check for 50 G'sQuietly deposit in.
(24:00):
For God's sakes, please Don'tgo buy new whips and drip.
Keep my name out your mouth orI'll bust your lip.
Girl, that's what she said toMr Joel McHale or, excuse me,
mccarvey, the Florida man, andit has come back to bite her in
(24:22):
the butt.
Joel did keep his mouth shut.
Unfortunately that makes no,never mind, because the manimal
is about to find out everything.
Maggie and the manimal'sresearch not only exposed
Richard as having at least somesort of connection to Joel, but
it also exposed Mel, notoutwardly, but just enough Side
(24:45):
note.
I think we can all agree thatMaggie is clearly the brains of
this operation.
Reardon is reaping the benefitsof all of her investigative
journalism.
I'm just saying he's leaningreal heavy on her hunches and
they're turning up good.
So the manimal is about to findout all kinds of information
(25:06):
from another little songbird, alittle birdie called Bartender.
So Reardon is taking his ladyof the month, the lady of the
week out, that's Aunt Terry.
They go to, of course,richard's place.
He sends up the deuces.
I thought he was sending up thedeuces to the bartender.
He was like oh no, I need twodrinks.
One thing about Terry.
I'm going to tell you whatTerry's going to.
(25:27):
Number one she's going to finda piece of gold to throw on at
some point.
She's going to make sure thatgold is shimmery and she's going
to throw on an old lady sandal.
Lord willing and the creekdon't rise.
She has on like a bedazzledmule with black tights.
Not hating on her outfit, butI'm like Terry loves the old
lady's shoes.
She got on the praise andworship 3000s, but it's neither
(25:50):
here nor there.
She's out with her man.
You know what I'm saying.
So the manimal sits Terry downand then he goes over to the bar
and the bartender's like MrReardon, I heard you've been
asking about that Joel,character Joel McCarthy.
The man was like yeah, you haveany information.
The bartender was like you know, I might, I might have a little
something.
Well, the man puts the $5 onthis little tray and slides it
to him.
(26:10):
This is the tip for thosedrinks, or he paid for them.
Hell, it's 1985.
They could have been a dollarfifty, I don't know.
The bartender says well, youknow, I may.
I think I have some prettyvaluable information.
So Reardon pulls out a hundo asthe bartender slides a little
tray back over, as in hey, put alittle more on that, I'll put a
little more in your mind.
Well, reardon puts the hundredon the little tray but he puts
(26:33):
his hand over it.
Bartender starts singing like acanary.
He says a couple months ago,florida man comes in, he was all
pissed up and bruised, he wasmad about getting kung fu by
lance cumson and walks melissa,melissa and him have a little
quick chatter, chatter, chit,chit.
Next thing you know they'rewalking out on the terrace,
(26:53):
walking out on the.
They have another littlechatter, chatter, chit, chit.
Melissa leaves.
But Joel comes back in and heis high on life.
He's requesting that the DJplay Moneybags by Cardi B.
He's hooting and hollering.
He's buying the entire roomdrinks.
Comes over to the bar, tells meoh man, my troubles are over.
(27:15):
I of course ask him well, whatdo you mean?
What's going on?
He says got this new drivingjob.
It's gonna just pay so big.
All my troubles are over.
Bartender then says he evenleft me a 200 tip that night.
You don't forget that sort ofthing.
Well, those of you wonderingtwo thousand two hundred dollars
is six hundred dollars today,but the buying power of their
(27:38):
dollar is like a dollar in 1984,1985 would buy what $10 would
buy today.
You know $600 is a lot of money.
Period.
Reardon is like dang, but helooks kind of sick now, like oh
crap.
So he does slide the bartenderthe hundred dollars which I
guess would be the equivalent of300, but he and terry can't
(27:59):
even enjoy their drinks.
He's sick to his stomach atthis point.
He grabs what she eat.
We gotta go, babe.
I'm sorry, we gotta go.
So now joel knows that melissamay be the reason why there were
so much money in joel's account.
So he does what any red-bloodedlawyer would do.
Lawyer, as he says, he invitesMellie Mill out the next day and
(28:20):
he takes her out on the terraceat Richard's place to ask for
some advice.
It's kind of weird if yourlawyer friend was asking for
advice, but maybe she thought itwas personal.
He says he's asking for afriend, but he has a friend that
he just found out did somethinga little bit terrible.
Their actions caused aninnocent man to go to jail.
Now Melissa immediately knowswhat he's talking about, but
(28:42):
they're speaking very veiledly.
There's no outright accusationshere.
Melissa says well, how do youknow that your friend had
anything at all to do with that.
Glad you asked Melly Melbecause the night previous after
Joel excuse me, after themanimal had taken on Terry home,
he goes over to Falcon Crest totalk to Angela.
(29:03):
He's like Angela, can you make afew phone calls?
I need to get some bank recordslike I need them right now.
Tonight Angie has a wholevalley in her pocket.
She's like, say less, picks upthe phone calls of the branch
manager or whoever gets whateverrecords he needs, which seems a
little bit illegal.
If I remember well, we'll getto that what he saw in the bank
(29:26):
records from Melissa was thatshe definitely did write a check
.
Now I don't know why in hell shewould write a check to Joel for
bodily injury to Lance Compsonand vehicular damage on this
date, this time, and the memoline is like he shouldn't have
called me a whore and a badmother.
I can't imagine what she wouldhave written on that check.
(29:49):
But whatever it is, it's gotreared and like yo, yeah, I have
dates, time, I have $50,000amount.
I'm pretty sure my friend didit.
The only thing left to do nowis to go to the authorities.
Melissa says well, what ifsomething can be done.
What if your friend turnsthemselves in?
She's crying, he's sad, theyhug each other and he's like,
(30:12):
yeah, but I'm sure that theauthorities would be very gentle
on her.
I would fight this, right.
How do you know?
Joel wasn't going to do somesort of.
Maybe he was going to build hera gazebo.
Maybe he was going to build aporch.
Maybe he was going to soup upher coop.
I don't know.
There's a million reasons whyyou would write that man a
$50,000 check.
(30:32):
Maybe she could be like maybewe had a little thing going on.
I didn't want him to tell Coleit was blackmail.
There's a.
This is a bad girl.
This is bad girl.
Melly, mel, what the mean?
What do you mean?
You're going to turn yourselfin?
Well, she's also riddled withguilt at this point.
She just feels so bad.
She had no intention of Lancegoing to jail.
All she wanted was for him toget stomped out.
That's it.
(30:53):
And this turned into somethingawful.
Well, it continues to get awfulbecause Melissa then goes home
and she too puts on aGhostbuster window washer type
jumpsuit.
Only hers sort of looks like anApollo 13 jumpsuit, like she's
an astronaut or, yeah, like anational, like Ridley wore an
(31:13):
alien.
She's looking at baby Josephand he's still singing that
middly, diddly, doddly, whateverthat song is.
He's singing her nursery rhymeinstead of beat it, or lady of
my life, and she's gettingreally sad.
Like dang Cole comes in, hepicks up Joseph.
Joseph is acting circles aroundhim too now that I'm thinking
about it, but she looks sadbecause she's remembering the
(31:36):
time that she was apart from himand she could possibly go to
jail Although, like I said,circumstantial.
I could have written that checkfor anything, unless she full
out wrote what I said.
Then she's screwed.
So I guess she thinks better ofthe jumpsuit.
She considers that she'sprobably going to have a mugshot
.
She can't be captured foreverin a photograph looking like
some kind of space mechanic, soshe changes into this little
(31:58):
peach number.
She decides she's going to gotalk to the cops.
She puts on the bad girl hairLet me go down here looking
fierce so if something happensthey can at least be, you know,
a little bit distracted.
Well, as she's about to leave,there's a rat attack at the door
.
They open the door.
It's cousin Robin.
Cousin Robin is looking at Coleall seductive.
Melissa's that girl, where haveyou been?
(32:23):
Your mom and dad are goingcrazy.
Your mom and dad are calling meall day, every day, wondering
where you are.
She's like girl, I know, I knowI'm going to call my mom.
Melissa's like yeah, you better, I'll be back.
They're very worried about you.
I got to go, we'll talk when Iget back.
So Melissa leaves and cousinRobin shouts after her Okay,
yeah, we'll find something to do.
(32:43):
Now she's all seductive, ductive.
When she was a quiet littlebird earlier, not anymore.
Cole's like what are you doinghere?
She goes I thought it was abouttime for me to come back.
She insinuates that she wantsanother round with Mr Gia Berti.
He's like I wish that nightnever happened, although he's
also looking her up and down.
She goes well, that doesn'tmatter anymore, because the
rabbit has died.
Then she says you're about tobe a dad.
(33:03):
I was like what does that?
The rabbit has died.
The hell is she talking about?
She's talking about the burrrabbit, tortoise and hare, the
briar, the velveteen rabbit.
What are you talking about?
I've never heard that in mylife, so I had to do a little
internet research to figure outwhat she was talking about.
So forgive me if you alreadyknow this.
I doubt it, because you're not110.
(33:24):
Circa 1940-ish, if doctors wantto know if a woman was pregnant,
they would take her urine andinject it into a rabbit a female
rabbit, obviously.
And if the female rabbit showedsigns of having HCG, which is a
pregnancy hormone, in hersystem, then they would know
that the woman is pregnant.
(33:44):
Now my very first question.
I'm not a scientist, I'm not adoctor.
Why wouldn't you just test theurine of the woman, why you need
to put in a rabbit andfurthermore, what does that mean
?
Why is rabbit dead?
It took me a few pages beforethey outright said well, they
have to kill the rabbit and I'mlike to figure out if she's
pregnant.
You have to kill the wholerabbit.
Well, they're going to kill iteither way, but they're going to
(34:07):
kill it and open up and see ifit's pregnant.
That seems like a lot.
And then eventually they wereable to do it with other animals
.
But couldn't you just test thewoman's pee?
So the rabbit has died is a wayof saying a woman is pregnant,
but also, the rabbit was goingto be dead regardless.
Make it, make sense.
It'll make sense to me.
But you know what?
(34:27):
There's clear, blue, easy.
That's how they do it.
I knew they used to do bloodtests too.
Can you just anyway, let's getoff that?
She let him know that he'sabout to be a daddy.
She's carrying his littleBambino.
So Joseph has a cousin, brother, sister coming up.
Speaking of investigations,maggie is now working on Leather
Pants Pam.
See, maggie had a thought whileshe was talking to the manimal
(34:51):
in Chase over coffee.
She said okay, we know Richardput money on Joel's books at the
rehab center, but why?
The only person who's going toactually tell us is Pam.
Pam knows everything aboutRichard.
So Maggie invites Leather PantsPam out to lunch and to my
surprise, leather Pants Pamshows up in an easy breezy white
(35:13):
ensemble like a super longtunic.
Of course she has a littleleather clutch.
You know she's got to keep itlight, but she has 100,000
reasons to keep her mouth shut.
Maybe it's because she's loyalto Richard, maybe because she
has been paid to keep her mouthshut.
So she doesn't mention Melissa.
Maggie said girl, I know youand Richard are a thing.
(35:34):
I'm not really trying to comebetween, whatever y'all have
going on, but think of Lorraine.
Lorraine is in a coma in behindall of this foolishness.
Do you know how devastatedshe's going to be if anything
happens to Lance.
Nobody knows that Lance isarrested at this point.
Leather Pants Pam keeps hispoker face.
I am loyal to Richard.
I don't know what you're talkingabout, maggie.
She gets up and leaves in hereasy breezy.
(35:54):
So I guess Leather Pants Pam isonly wearing leather on days
with the letter U in it.
So I'm assuming this is aMonday, wednesday and Friday.
I don't know why.
I believe that.
I just do Because leather isheavy, especially in SoCal, like
in California.
You gotta consider the weightand the un.
It's not a breathable material.
(36:14):
Good on her for switching it up, wearing a little silk from
time to time so her skin can getsome air.
Maggie's like ah, you know Itried.
She goes home because it is heranniversary.
She and chase are going tocelebrate umpteen years of
marital bliss.
Quick aside, maggie always looksabsolutely just.
She looks incredible all thetime, and I'm talking about the
(36:35):
way they style her.
It's never too much, it'salways just enough.
She looks like she could be ina catalog.
It looks, it just looks reallygood.
I always.
I love everything she wears onthis.
She never, ever looks like whatgirl you got on, and this is no
exception.
I don't remember what she waswearing at first because her
husband walks in with this bigold box.
Oh gosh, it's not the good giftbox like the pretty ones, it's
(37:03):
those little flimsy ones theygive you if you go to a
department store and it'sChristmas, you know it's.
It's the kind that kind of foldflat and you pop them out their
cardboard.
I hate those boxes witheverything in my soul.
I hate those so much.
I used to reinforce them withduct tape so they would be a
little more stiff.
Anyway, I don't even use those.
(37:24):
I hate those.
She opens it and it is a fly.
I don't know if it's a mink ora fur out of chinchilla, some
sort of fur coat.
It is gorgeous.
She puts it on.
She's like oh my God, she lovesit.
But the phone rings and she hasto take off her giant Zsa, zsa
clip-on earring, which is one ofmy favorite things to see
people do on a soap opera.
(37:45):
I love when they take off theirclip-on.
She answers the phone and it'sthe Globe Mag.
You got to get down here.
They arrested lands.
We got to work.
We had to put this story outtonight.
She's like oh my god, can canit wait like can I do?
Y'all really need me there?
They're like yeah, we reallyneed you there.
You have to be the one toapprove it and this is you know.
You can't remote in, so youhave to come.
(38:05):
She tells chase babe, I'm sosorry, I gotta go.
But as she's on the, I noticedshe has this gorgeous tennis
bracelet.
She just looks a hundred timesricher in this scene.
For some reason it's the coat,a hundred percent.
So she has to leave and Chaseis a little bit sad.
He's like well, I'm sorry onboth accounts.
I'm sorry that Lance is in jailand I'm sorry that you got to
go.
You know no big deal, he's notactually mad at all.
(38:33):
So when Maggie leaves, thenight is still young enough.
Chase walks down to the winehouse to find Connie Giannini
feverishly working on theperfect champagne.
So he walks in Connie's workingon the champagne.
Hey, chase, how's it going?
It's going well.
What about that champagne youwere working on earlier?
Oh sure.
She goes over to the littlemini fridge and she pulls out a
beaker of champagne.
I love this.
My country behind thought theywere going to take swigs out out
a beaker of champagne.
I was like I love this.
My country behind, thought theywere going to take swigs out of
(38:53):
the beaker.
But then I remember this is aclassy establishment, this is a
classy soap opera.
Obviously, if you own avineyard, you have tons and tons
of proper flutes and wineglasses around.
So of course she pulls out theflutes, pours the champagne from
the beaker, swirls it around,do whatever you got to do.
(39:15):
I don't know if you swirlchampagne, I feel like they did.
Chase tasted and he's alldelicious.
He makes the devastatingly sexymistake of using his panty
dropper voice to describe thedepths and the richness and the
taste of this here.
(39:40):
Champagne.
He's all sexy, subtle Girl,that's all Connie can take.
The way he's describing thischampagne made Connie want to go
home and put on some lingerie.
Her lust for him.
This episode is, in my mind,reflected through her hair.
Her hair keeps getting biggerand bigger.
Every time they see her, it'sbigger.
(40:03):
The thing is it's not 80s big,you know what I mean.
It's not hairband 80s big hairwhere it's teased in a different
.
You know what I mean.
There's 80s big hair and thenthere's 60s big hair.
Her hair looks like 60s bighair.
Her and Terry.
This episode, actually, I don'tknow why.
They look like one of thelittle girls on Toddler and
(40:23):
Tierra.
They're going to be in apageant.
You know the weird little wavethey have to do in their hair?
Connie's hair looks like thatand it's getting bigger and
bigger because Chase is turningher own Before you know it.
She's like for crying out loud.
Chase, stop using your quietstorm voice.
She confesses to him that he'sa total smoke show.
He's got brains, he's got class.
(40:45):
He's one of the most incrediblemen she's ever met.
He's a man of her dreams.
You're so sexy, chase.
Let's make this thing real.
She goes over and she kisses him.
To his credit, he immediatelybacks up.
He doesn't push her, he backsup, but he does grab her arms
and then he grabs her wrist.
She's like, chase, I'm so sickof pretending like you're not
hot.
I am so attracted to you.
(41:06):
Please, let's just do this,chase, ever.
The gentleman, yeah, he's like,oh God, connie.
Connie, I'm sorry.
He apologizes for being so sexy.
I'm sorry.
I'm so devastatingly.
Gosh, I be forgetting sometimes.
You know what I mean.
I just hop up out of bed, Iturn my swag on and I forget
(41:26):
that it could be.
It could cause a woman to strayand I'm really sorry if I
brought this on.
Let me take my sexy selfsomewhere else.
Let me leave.
So he leaves, he goes home andhe puts on his full pajamas I
mean silk pants and a button upsleep shirt.
He goes to bed.
Maggie didn't come home till thenext morning, but she bounces
on the bed in her fur coat.
She loves that coat.
(41:46):
She looked good in it too.
She's like hey, boo-boo, youwant to finish what we were
getting started.
He's mad.
He got her attitude this morning.
It's like where did this comefrom?
Maybe because she woke him up,maybe because I don't know,
maybe he's struggling with Tawny.
He didn't seem to be.
(42:07):
But he tells Maggie well, don'tyou have some work to do?
He says something really snippy.
So I suppose this is a preludeto something we're supposed to
believe.
They're having more maritalproblems because she's
overworking, not to mentionshe's overworking right,
allegedly.
Was it this season, soap fiends, or was it last season?
Didn't he go to Europe to chasearound clues and stuff?
He was obsessed.
(42:28):
Yeah, that was the beginning ofthis season, season four.
Was he or was he not obsessedwith figuring out what happened
to that plane?
That took up all of his time.
But she's been working for twoweeks and you got an attitude in
silk pajamas, have a seat Chase.
I suppose I should mention thatLorraine does eventually wake
up, for whatever reason shechooses.
(42:52):
This sort of struggle breathlike the.
You know, I'm malcolm in themiddle, malcolm's little friend
who would.
That sucks when you talk likethat.
Well, she does that in thisscene and actually I'm not mad
at it.
It makes a lot of sense thatsomeone who went splatter, tat,
tat on a concrete sidewalk from50, 60 feet in the air seems
(43:17):
like you did knock your breathout.
Something would change.
And I guess, since she's notwearing a cast, we, we gotta, we
gotta imply that she is in painor that she is struggling in
some capacity because she looksperfectly normal.
She says, says I'm not going todo the breathy thing because
I'll pass out.
But she basically says she knowsthat Lance is in jail because
(43:38):
he's not by her side.
She had a dream that he was byher side.
If he's not here in this moment, that must mean something
happened.
And Richard does say yes,darling, he's in jail.
Lorraine says dude, I neverasked for a lot, but do you
remember when I was little and Iused to ask you to help me.
I'm asking you to help me now.
Please get Lance out of jail sohe can be at home with me and
(44:02):
our baby Leather Pants.
Pam and Richard kind of giveeach other the eye.
Then they go out in the hallwayand they're like dang, when are
we going to tell her that shelost the baby?
We'll give it a little bit.
We'll give it a little bitleather pants.
Pam tries to plead with richardagain.
Like richard, what, sir?
What are you gaining at thispoint?
The whole point of putting lancein jail was so that he would be
(44:25):
away from the rain.
Now you're gonna lose her forthis, but do what she says.
Be the man that she wants youto be.
Do this for her, at least try,and that way you can at least
salvage that relationship.
I've said this before, I won'tharp on it.
But there is something sopeculiar about Richard.
Like he is, he is classicallyhandsome, but he always sort of
(44:49):
fidgets around like he's got thebubble guts or he definitely
hears voices or something.
His, his body just can't quitebe comfortable.
He's kind of gurgling, andthat's the, that's the term I'll
use.
His body sort of gurgles to me.
Anyway, all of these stories, Iguess could sort of be
standalone this episode.
They connect, but they don'treally connect.
(45:09):
This is all just a bridge tothe next episode.
The only other thing that I feellike needs to be spoken of real
quick is a Cassandra and Damonangle.
Everything, everything is set.
They bought what they needed tobuy.
They have convinced who theyneeded to convince.
All that's left to do is topush the button, I guess, and
(45:30):
put the plan in motion, or putthe finale in motion.
I don't really know what it is.
One thing I do know, one thingthat is very, very clear, is
that Cassandra and Damon,they're not killers, they're not
connivers, they're not reallycut out for this sort of thing.
They have a conversation in theprivacy of Cassandra's office,
which is peppered with peach.
(45:52):
I hate the way that peach looks.
But Cassandra at the privacy ofCassandra's office, which is
peppered with peach I hate theway that peach looks.
But Cassandra at the top of theshow was at the hospital with
Richard.
I guess she showed up afterLorraine was in it, because
Richard jumped into theambulance by himself with
Lorraine, but by the time he gotto the hospital, cassandra was
there and she feels bad for him.
Dude, you need to go rest.
Why don't you use my apartment?
(46:13):
My apartment's really close.
You can just stay there andsleep and then you can come back
and check on her whenever youneed.
He's like that's very nice, butI think I'd rather just stay
around.
Well, damon knows that.
But Cassandra also knows thatDamon has been taking Emma all
around.
He wants to take Emma to NewYork.
He's having all these dinners.
Cassandra can tell that Damonreally likes Emma and Damon can
(46:35):
tell that Cassandra really likesRichard.
They both know they need tokeep their eyes on the prize,
but it's becoming a little bitmore difficult.
So they kind of bickering witheach other.
Cassandra's like why are youwalking around with your little
girlfriend?
Damon's like why are youwalking around with your little
boyfriend?
Cassandra tries to say Damon,you're not cut out for this.
(46:57):
And he's like oh, and you are.
This ain't even our plan.
This is mom's plan.
He's right, it's not even theirplan.
You can tell they don't have itin them like that.
These aren't evil people.
They actually like the peoplethey're supposed to destroy, but
they can't go against theirmother.
Also, cassandra, this sweetwoman, this woman needs some
Ambien.
Or do you need Emma's pillsthat she stowed away on season
(47:21):
one when she was acting realkookaloo.
She needs something becausethis woman has been having night
terrors her entire life.
It seems she's 28 to maybe 34years old.
That's a long time to wake upscreaming.
Every time you lay your headdown on a pillow, we get to see
a little bit more of what shesees in her dreams this episode.
(47:42):
So now we know she was in thefire, damon was in the fire,
they were navigating getting outof the house and you can hear a
warped voice.
All this time I thought it washer mom.
It appears it's a man this timebecause he's like Cassandra
Cassandra, but we can see himthis time.
And the set designers forFalcon Crest didn't actually
(48:03):
build out a whole set Like it'snot a real house.
It looks like something youwould put on stage.
So you see the doorway, thedoorframe and you can see like a
fireplace in the background.
You can see all this fire andthe dad has or this man has his
arm in front of his face.
He's looking for the kids whena beam on fire falls from the
ceiling and I am to assume hewas consumed by the fire.
(48:27):
I'm kind of secretly hoping,though.
This is a whole Bates Motelsituation or psycho situation,
where we're thinking it's themom, maybe it's the dad who
thinks he's a mom and he's likeall covered up, because when we
saw Cassandra and Damon's mom,head to toe covered in all black
gloves and all that, or maybeit was, you know, maybe their
(48:49):
dad died and that's why she met.
I don't know what the connectionis to Falcon Crest yet, but I
know we're going to find out inthe next couple of episodes.
That's pretty much it for thisone.
This was just sort ofconnecting all the dots.
So we got cousin Robin is backin town and she is with child.
Melissa has been found out byat least one other person.
(49:10):
Melissa's money is long.
She paid Joel $50,000.
She paid Pam $100,000.
She's trying to drop even moremoney on Lance so that he could
escape.
It's all too much for the badgirl, but it would appear that
we're getting closer to gettingLance acquitted.
All right, guys, that's it.
That's all for this episode.
(49:31):
Join me next time as we jumpinto another delectable vintage
primetime soap opera.
In the meantime, in betweentime, can we just get blood work
for pregnancy?
Kill the rabbit.
You killed a whole rabbit.
I'm still a little bit shook.
Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and
(49:51):
keep all of your drama on TV.
Thank you, Bye.
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