The Fantasy Birthday Bash: Primetime Soaps Collide

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What happens when the most devious, glamorous, and dramatic characters from vintage primetime soaps throw you a birthday party? Step into this fantastical celebration as we imagine receiving gifts from the icons of Dallas, Dynasty, Falcon Crest, and Knots Landing! From Southfork Ranch to the Carrington mansion, through the vineyards of Falcon Crest and the cul-de-sacs of Knots Landing, this special birthday episode takes you on a journey through the golden age of primetime television. The gifts reveal everything about these beloved characters – JR Ewing hands over a stock portfolio with shady origins and a tracking device disguised as jewelry, while Alexis Colby delivers a fur coat just to outshine Krystal's silk robe. Angela Channing shares rare wine and possibly her secret Reagan diaries, while Abby Cunningham causes a stir with her inappropriate gift of champagne and a book on seduction. Beyond the presents, imagine the conversations! Picture Richard Channing and JR Ewing comparing villain tactics, or Claudia Blaisdel and Julia Cumson discussing their mental health journeys. What would happen when Melissa Agretti flips a table while Kristen Shepherd announces her baby daddy drama? This crossover fantasy brings together the schemers, dreamers, and backstabbers from four iconic universes. For fans of vintage primetime soaps, this episode is pure wish fulfillment – a celebration of the shows that defined an era of television and continue to captivate viewers discovering them today. Whether you're an OG viewer from the 80s or a millennial discovering these treasures for the first time, this birthday fantasy delivers all the drama, shade, and shoulder pads you could wish for. Have a favorite character gift from the episode? Tell me which present you'd most want to receive – Jane Wyman's Reagan diaries, a diamond tennis bracelet from JR, or maybe Dex Dexter's turquoise jewelry? Let me know in the comments!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome or
welcome back to SoFlor, theofficial gathering place for
newbies, novices and OG diehardfans of the golden age of
primetime, from the mind of amillennial sliding into middle
age.
We are doing somethingfantastical, something a little
bit whimsical and something veryreminiscent of late 90s boy

(00:22):
band fan fiction.
You remember the chat rooms oflate 90s boy band fan fiction?
You remember the chat rooms?
So go ahead and pour yourselfup something bubbly and bright,
put on your finery and settle infor an episode you won't soon
forget Unless, of course, youskip it.
Now.
I'm looking at the rough sideof my eye, but I get it.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys andgirls, this is the birthday

(00:51):
episode of Soap Lore.
Hello, gorgeous, welcome orwelcome back, party people to a
fantastic occasion.
Not only are we celebratingover 300 episodes, countless

(01:12):
hours of pearl clutching, eyerolling, picking my jaw up off
the ground, vintage primetimegold, we're also going to
celebrate one of the mostmagnificent creations ever to
come out of the 1980s.
Moi, moi, did you know I was aLeo that gave it away?
No, I don't even know if Ibelieve in all that, but this
episode is shot a little bitbefore my birthday.
I figured August is here.

(01:33):
I hope to drop this on mybirthday.
It's either going to be day ofor the next day, depending on
how much time I have to edit,but I hope you will join me.
So as a kid I used to alwayswish that something exciting
would happen in my little oldtown.
I went through countlesscrushes.
Men in music have always doneit for me.

(01:53):
I guess they would have beenboys in music.
But I had countless just wisheson stars hoping.
Countless fantasies aboutimmatures bus breaking down.
All of a sudden they needed meto give them a tour around my
microscopic town.
I guess I was going to takethem to the Dairy Queen.
I would introduce them to someof my friends and of course they

(02:14):
would stay around for the dancethat night and they would
perform and they would be myfriends and obviously Batman
would fall deep, deep in lovewith me.
Aka Marcus Houston.
If you don't know who that is,that is go home.
Roger from the Tia and Tamarashow had a huge crush on him,
but I had that sort of rollingfantasy about NSYNC.

(02:34):
Obviously I thought JustinTimberlake was gonna break down
in my town because their tourbus had to come through to get
to some other obscure town inWest Texas.
That would never, ever happen.
But it got me to think.
I've long given up those sortof fantasies.
As you get older, birthdays takeon their own meaning.
In your 20s it's like let meget out and party as much as

(02:55):
possible.
In your 30s, maybe you want asophisticated dinner, maybe you
don't want to do anything, maybeyou're working through your
birthday.
You're not even really thinkingabout it.
I thought you know what.
Let me bring back some of thatfantasticalness.
Let me think about this.
What would I want on the mostperfect birthday?
What would I want to do?
I like an experience.
I would like to have anexperience with you.

(03:17):
Pour yourself up somethingbubbly and bright.
Open your mind.
Let me tell you what I have inmy mind.
So hear me out.
What if you could go back toyour favorite vintage primetime
soap operas?
Which one would you pick?
Would you rather spend yourentire birthday with Knott's,

(03:43):
landing Dynasty, dallas orFalcon Crest?
Although I love all the shows,there are people on each show
that I would love to just sitback and kiki with.
I'd love to stir the pot alittle bit.
I'd love to see how theyinteract with each other.
So if I had to pick one, Iwouldn't.
Because it is my birthday, I'mgoing to pick all four.
So this year, before I blow outmy candles, I'm blowing up plot

(04:04):
lines.
I packed my overnight bagcomplete with sequins and
secrets.
I'm heading straight to seasonfour of dallas dynasty and
falcon crust and, not well,season three of not landing to
collect my birthday gifts fromthe icons themselves.
There will be some crossoverbetween 2025 and 2000 excuse me,
1980, whatever.

(04:25):
In order to make this a littlefun and a little more cohesive,
and before the champagne chillsand the catfights commence, let
me salute my fellow millennials,the ones twerking into middle
age with grace, grit and aplaylist that still includes all
of our early 2000 jam.
I saw y'all at SeaWorld.
Okay, I know my people when Isee my people and I've never

(04:45):
been so proud millennials werecutting up Gen X.
I know y'all were there too,cutting up at the SeaWorld with
the kids in front of God andeverybody.
I saw like three or four peopletwerking on the fence and I'm
like Lord in front of Shamu.
But that, what do you expectfrom people who were raised on

(05:08):
chat rooms and boy band fanfiction, daytime TV in the 90s
reality TV before it tampereditself down.
We grew up in a time whereconfessionals in the mirror were
every part of our everyday life.
We still do it.
The confessionals in the mirrorwere every part of our everyday
life.
We still do it Probably why I'mso comfortable talking into a

(05:32):
microphone in a room by myself,but I'm excited for us.
I actually don't know what ageis middle age.
I thought about this before andI'm like it's never used in a
happy context.
Once again, shout out to Gen Xfor changing all that.
One study says it's between 35and 65, I believe, and I'm like

(05:53):
that.
35 seems awfully young.
That seems awfully young to me.
But when you think about thedistance between one and 100,
you have to split that intothree.
So, yeah, I guess that woodtrack seems a little young to me
.
I don't agree with that.
The other one was like it's 40to 60.
And then the other one said 45to 60.
It doesn't matter.
It is a blessing to get to livea long time, to get to enjoy

(06:17):
yourself.
I'm happy, I'm healthy.
I'm super, super excited aboutlife and I am super excited
about life and I am superexcited to jump into this
fantasy.
I'm also grateful for my newestlove, vintage Primetime Soaps.
They're giving us all freshvocabulary for throwing shade,
reclaiming power, rewriting yourown story with flair.

(06:38):
So let's cheers to thecrossover episode of my dreams.
Let's unwrap some of these gifts.
Some of them are ratchet, someof them are so good In my mind,
mind you, this is all from JetsMind Eye.
Let's stir up a little scandal.
Let's toast the era that madeus.
So.
Here's a caveat.
I got to think about this.
I am doing this from myperspective now, which means

(07:01):
obviously I haven't seen the endof season four of any of these.
I haven't seen the end ofseason three for Nonslanding.
Can't go any further than that.
So if you are an OG and youkind of know what happens later
on, understand that we're doingthis according to season four
and season three of Nonslanding.
Also, I think the charactershave heard my show and know that

(07:25):
I have beef with some of them.
I've been none too kind to someothers.
So I imagine not all the giftsare going to be glamorous or
nice.
They're going to be whatthey're going to be and I am
excited.
So in my head it makes the mostsense to go to Dallas first
right Home state people bereally easy to get to.

(07:46):
I find it very difficult tobelieve I would be super welcome
at Dallas, but for the sake ofthis show I am.
I'd want to open my gifts intheir little pre-gaming room.
I love that dark furniture.
I love how everybody's alwaystalking ish about each other.
Nobody really wants to be there.
There's always a little dig.
So I want to get there earlybecause I want to see you know,

(08:10):
I want to see JR come in,recognize Reed the room.
I'm sure he'll give me a hug.
He'll definitely cop a feelbecause that's what he'll do.
I want to see the dynamicbetween everybody and I want to
hear the little riff whatever hehas to say about Pam on this
day.
I want to hear the little riff,whatever he has to say about
Pam on this day.
Side note I really like givinggifts.
I think, if you pay attention,I think it is so much fun to

(08:31):
give somebody something based ontheir personality or something
that you think might help themin their life.
It is probably one of my lovelanguages.
I love it so much.
We're going to start with BossHogg himself.
We're going to start with BossHogg himself.

(09:05):
I feel like J has 30 or 40 ofthem.
And then he'd hand me one ofthose tin cups they use out on
the ranch when they go cattledriving and whatnot.
I would thank him graciously,even though I'm holding a glass
of champagne.
But then he'd probably tell mesomething like don't let me
catch you drinking that girly.
So I'd feel forced to, like,drink my champagne out of the

(09:26):
tin, can?
I don't really know what I do.
Jock would then raise a toast,forgetting that since season one
and his whole bypass, he's notsupposed to be having alcohol.
That has not stopped him yet.
Jr would be.
Oh, that's a great gift, that'sa great gift, daddy.
Jr, I think, would pass me um astock portfolio with some shady
origins.
A little little smirk.
You'll be like, you'll thank me, tell me, I thank him later,

(09:48):
and then he'd lean in and saysomething inappropriate.
It's like oh, my gosh, okay, Ithink he'd also give me a tennis
bracelet.
Now, I wouldn't find out untillater that this tennis bracelet
is actually a tracking device.
He wants it so that when I goto Denver to talk to the
Carrington's I can get someintel, and then when I go see
Gary at NIMH I can get some moreintel and he can listen all the

(10:08):
way A hundred percent.
That's what he's doing.
I think Sue Ellen a lady likeher who's been through it she's
been through the ups, downs, inand out she would hand me a
really gorgeous set of luggageand the birthday card inside
would say when you stay ready,you ain't got to get ready.
It would also have a list of acouple of bars where she's had a

(10:31):
good time and, of course, alittle note from Dr Elby,
because that's her booski.
I think Pam would give me abunch of silk scarves.
You know that scene in theDevil Wears Prada, the one where
it wasn't Emily.
Emily Blunt is a character, Ican't remember her name, but she
gets hit by the car and allthose scarves go flying up.

(10:53):
Well, pam is going to give me ascarf because not only does she
enjoy them, she drives a littletwo-seater and it's a drop top,
so she's always worried abouther hair.
Now she's still on her RickJames every now and again
Underneath the silk scarves.
I think she'd have a silkdo-rag.
Now I would look at this and belike is this a microaggression

(11:14):
or is she being kind?
And she would gently type myarm and say us curly haired
girls got to stick together.
I would, okay, you say so, pam,I will remember to send her a
picture of Rick James on herbirthday wickets.
That's where I'm at with that,but I'm going to use every last
one of them silk rags Excuse me,silk scarves and that silk

(11:35):
do-rag I certainly am.
Thank you, pam.
I think Bobby would be a littlemore thoughtful.
Bobby is a big time statesenator now.
I think he loves his state, heloves Dallas, but he's in and
out of Austin all the time.
I love Austin, it's one of myfavorite cities.
So I think his gift would belike a weekend at a I don't know

(11:58):
whether to say a bed andbreakfast or an Airbnb.
Let's say a bed and breakfast.
I think that's a little more1980s.
A bed and breakfast.
I can go anytime I want for thenext year, as many times as I
want on the weekends, have agood old time.
A nice little note.
And then he'll give me, likethis, book of tickets and when I

(12:19):
open it it'll say somethinglike get out of jail, slash
traffic, slash jury duty, slashwork signed by the state senator
.
I'm definitely going to takethose.
I don't know if they're worthanything.
It's probably like monopolymoney.
But his name in certain placesis going to get me in and out,
so I'm definitely going to takeit.
I think that's the sort of gifthe would give.

(12:39):
So right about this time in mymind there would be some sort of
ruckus.
Outside we hear some kind offaint yelling.
Sounds like a woman.
You can tell the staff is alittle bit confused.
They don't really know what todo.
All of a sudden, kristen Sue,ellen's baby sister, comes
sashaying in.
Now, the last time I saw hershe's wearing those pantyhose.

(13:02):
So in my mind I'm like she'sbeen out in LA.
She tried to do the modelingthing.
She a little bit down on herluck.
So she comes in wearing aHooters outfit.
I don't know when Hootersopened, but she seems like the
type of girl who might do justfine there.

(13:24):
Let me go ahead and say this Ihave nothing against Hooters.
I think it is a greatestablishment.
You make your money, you dowhat you need to do.
But she seems like the sort ofwoman circa 1980, whatever who
would understand that she'sgoing to use her sex appeal to
get what she wants.
So she's either working atHooters or she can be a Dallas
Cowboy cheerleader.

(13:44):
I feel like she'd be working atHooters.
But she's going to come in witha baby on her hip, a baby with
no shoes.
Everybody is just like what theheck?
Who is that?
What is this?
Ellie takes one look at thisbaby and in her mind she
immediately noticed that itlooks a whole lot like John Roth
.
Viewing the third, sheimmediately cuts her eyes to JR

(14:07):
and then back to Jock and justthink about how both of them
ain't ish and how she can'tstand them.
She decides it's time for her togive me her gift.
Which is this really beautiful,heavy, ceramic, fancy casserole
dish and like a matching soupbowl.
I love it.
This is beautiful.
I thank her profusely.
She's like don't worry about it, you're going to feed your

(14:29):
family for decades on this.
Your grandchildren are going tofight over this.
This is beautiful.
Family is a beautiful legacy.
Family is so important.
She's saying all this whileshe's looking at Kristen who's
bouncing the baby on her hipwith attitude.
Finally, she can't take itanymore.
She says Kristen, that's apretty baby.

(14:50):
Will his father be joining us?
Sue, ellen ain't got time forthis today.
She may or may not be on aShirley Temple, or she may be on
a mojito, we don't really know.
The glass is clear, there's alittle bit of fruit in it and
she's got that.
Look on her face Like she wishyou wish, you don't really care,
she's so done with this.
Sue Ellen says well, who's thefather?
Kristen Kristen says with herwhole chest the most hated man

(15:14):
in Dallas, jr, spins on his heel.
Leave the room.
Now I'm trying to be messy, soI call in Cliff.
Cliff walks in, he's pissed.
Everybody looks around,especially Jock, and they're
like who invited him?
I invited him and Pam invitedhim.
So he comes over with abriefcase but it all has inside.

(15:36):
It was like these torn up legaldocuments, totally illegible.
But he has also given me acoupon, much like the coupon
book that Bobby gave me, thatsays one free revenge and I'm
like thank you so much.
He winks, raises his glass thathe must have drove in with and
then he presents from the backof his coat a slightly used

(16:00):
spiral notebook and he tells meI can put all sorts of quote
unquote clues in it.
And then he pulls out an evenmore gently used bottle of
tequila from his friend MrCuervo.
Mr Cuervo couldn't make itbecause he had business in
Mexico, but he sends his lovevia a jug of tequila that has

(16:23):
had a couple glasses mixed.
I lean in and sniff Cliff whenwe hug, because I want to see if
it's tequila.
It's definitely tequila on hisbreath.
Right about this time the NorthTexas Lolita herself will come
in.
She's bobbing and weaving,she's bouncing around and Mitch
is right behind her.
They're young.
I don't really expect a lotfrom them and I'm also very

(16:44):
uncomfortable because I know howMitch feels about spending
money.
Well, lucy hands me a framedpicture of herself.
It's a headshot my veryfavorite thing in the whole
world and it's signed America'sSweetheart.
Slash North Texas Lolita.
Slash Miss Young Dallas.

(17:04):
This pisses off Mitch becausehe is calculating the cost on
his mind, and that is at leastthree of his eight jobs worth of
picture frame that she justpassed to me.
Now what are you going to do?
I don't want to make a big deal.
Oh, lucy, this is so beautiful.
Thank you so much.
She's not reading the room.
Everybody's kind of scoffing ather like God much.

(17:28):
She's not reading the room.
Everybody's kind of scoffing ather like God, you're selfish.
Mitch hands me his gift, whichis his resume.
He's like hey, just in caseyou're hiring, I need to pay for
a couple more books for school.
My wife is in and out of thehouse all the daggone time.
I need to buy TV, dinners orwhatnot.
Plus, I'm a man of the people.
I'm a hardworking man.
We got to work together.
I don't know what he means bythat, but I have a hunch.

(17:50):
Mitch is so disgusted by thepeople in the room that he
sneaks his way into the kitchento talk to Teresa and them about
how hard it is to work withpeople who don't appreciate cash
money.
Teresa and them looking likebaby.
We just trying to get a check.
Please don't mess up this goodcheck.
Finally, donna, coler and Rayshow up.
Oh my gosh, I totally forgotabout y'all.

(18:13):
Also right on their heels isRebecca JG Wentworth.
I am totally shocked that shemade it so as clip, but Pam is
so geeked that she made it, so Iplay nice.
Rebecca has tears in her eyes.
I don't know why she's crying.
I'm thinking she's about tohave this whole situation with
Clip.
Only she comes over to me andshe cries profusely, begging me

(18:36):
to forgive her for missing mythird and 60th birthday.
And I say um, madam, I amnowhere near my third or my 60th
birthday, but thank you verymuch.
She begins to boohoo evenharder.
I feel bad.
But I also want a really goodgift.
I'm thinking what can I buy in1980 with this 1980s money?

(18:58):
I'm trying to save up as muchas I can while I'm gathering
these gifts so that I can buysome stock in like Apple and
Microsoft or whatever.
So I tell Rebecca I forgive youfor missing my third birthday.
She starts to wail it cuts yourgirl a check for $10,000.
I feel like she's going to bethat type of lady.

(19:20):
So when Pam and Bobby finallyhave kids, I think she's going
to be cutting those big checks.
But there's going to be a lotof competition between her and
Ellie.
She seems like the type sheneeds to make up for lost time.
So if Cliff has a child or Pamand Bobby have kids, they're
going to be set for life.
So Donna Culver gets me withthat soft voice of hers.
I just want to thank you forthe work you're doing in

(19:42):
spreading the gospel of thesevintage primetime soap operas.
They are so impactful, they areso delightful, they are so
important to the thread of ourAmerican fabric.
We bring such pride in ourstate and I'm proud to have been
a part of this and I'm proudthat you, the young Texan, are
proud to watch this.

(20:03):
And I'm like yes, of course,donna, this is wonderful.
She hands me a bracelet shapedbox.
Only when I open it, it's oneof those campaign badge buttons
and it says Jet for Senate.
Oh my, oh, donna.
No, honey, no, I don't dopolitics love, but I think quick

(20:24):
because I am a little bit savvy.
I quickly reach for one ofBobby's get out of jail, get out
of jury duty, get out ofwhatever issue you need to
tickets snatch it off and handit to her and skadoodle as
quickly as I can.
Ray chases me down, he comes inwith a big box and I note that
he's the only person who broughta sizable gift.

(20:45):
We all know it's not about thesize, it's the quality.
But I expect you know y'all gotgood money.
Ray is a fresh new millionaire.
Ray has been shoveling horsedookie since 1942.
So I expect him to have, Idon't know something a little
more down home.
Ray would absolutely give me anembossed saddle, real leather,

(21:07):
shined up just right.
It'd even help me fasten it onthe horse if I so chose to put
it on.
I ain't going to do that.
That's going to sit in myliving room and when my friends
come over we're going to have agood time on it.
Jr comes slinking back in hopingthat Kristen has left, but
she's still bouncing around thehouse with the baby Sue.

(21:28):
Ellen's being messy.
She tells Teresa to go upstairsand get baby John Ross Ewing
III we're going to have a littleintroduction to his little
cousin.
She mumbles brother into herglass.
Everybody starts shifting andlooking around.
As much as I'd like to stay andwatch the drama, I remind
everyone hey, we're going tomeet a little later.
I need to get on the firstthing smoking to Denver.

(21:50):
Can somebody give me a ride toDFW?
Actually, no, let's go out ofLoveville.
Can somebody take me toLoveville?
I'm not trying to do all thatwalking to DFW.
I may or may not be extraexcited about going to Dynasty.
I think I I may or may not beextra excited about going to
Dynasty.
I think I don't know.
I've been a little loose-lippedthis season about the people on

(22:12):
Dynasty and I will add to ituntil I'll add to it before I
take anything away.
First and foremost, I think,even if I don't get a gift from
Blake Carrington.
I love his voice so much I'mpretty sure that's from
Charlie's Angel.
I want to hear him read stuff.
I kind of like Adam's voice andI like Dexter's voice too, but

(22:34):
for totally different reasons.
So I would like BlakeCarrington to make me a cassette
of him reading all of thebirthday cards and warm wishes.
I really enjoy that.
I also don't think he'd be agreat shopper, so we're going to
leave that to Crystal.
Crystal comes true, yo.
She comes through with afloor-length silk robe with a

(22:57):
super dramatic train.
It is gorgeous and she evenwent the extra mile to line the
train because you know I walkoutside in grass and stuff.
I don't think I would walkoutside in my fly silk robe,
which of course is in cream,because it comes from crystal in
cream.
She gives me this book ofaffirmations titled I am trailer
park pretty and I am mansionpretty, I don't know.

(23:20):
It feels a little bit more likea journal.
I didn't have the audacity toopen in front of her, but when
she turned her back I did openit.
Let me tell you what it was ajournal.
I think she kind of forgot thatshe'd started some of the pages
.
I found a receipt from WesternUnion for an obscene shipment of
Miller High Life and cannedcheese.
I think she had it delivereddown the road so that she could

(23:42):
sneak out back and have a beerevery now and again, because you
can take the girl out of Ohio.
So Fallon is uninteresting, hergift is uninteresting.
I think it would be lunch at LaMirage and like a free tennis

(24:05):
lesson.
I'm not interested in tennisever since Jeff had a heart
attack on the field and passedout.
Plus, I don't know, it's justnot my thing.
Mark Jennings would be fun to.
Just I'm not interested, thankyou.
But no, thank you, fallon, Iwill take the coupons politely.
Suddenly the air grows cold.
I turn around and I see noneother than Jeffrey Colby.

(24:27):
He tries to bounce down thestairs on those penny loafers
like he's somebody's father.
But I'm not intimidated BecauseI know for a fact he is a
doormat.
And just to solidify my disdain.
Plus, I'm on dynasty.
I feel like I have to bring ita little bit.
I don't know who's coming forme.
I make a show of wipingsomething off of my shoe,

(24:52):
smirking at him.
He's not having it.
He sashays right over to me.
It's just here.
He says something like.
It looks like they'll just letanyone in.
Jeffrey hands me a box.
I'm a little bit disappointedthat it's not a three-tier
jack-in-the-box like that ZsaZsa ring that he gave his wife
or soon-to-be wife in the box,like that Zsa Zsa ring that he

(25:15):
gave his wife or soon to be wife, his ex-wife, soon to be
re-wife.
I would like a three-tierjack-in-the-box.
That didn't happen.
What I think he would get me isnot a doormat, because that's a
little too on the nose, but hegives me a giant dinner mat and
it's made from denim.
Yes, yes, jeffrey had timetoday.
He even went so far to have itembroidered with the words a

(25:39):
doormat no more, jc.
I smile politely and dosomething I've been wanting to
do for a long time.
Every time a woman on one ofthese soap operas goes to answer
the telephone specificallyspecifically Sue Ellen Crystal
does this too she has to come upoff the big Zsa Zsa snap-on
earrings or clip-on what do youcall them?
Yeah, clip-on Snap does notsound attractive.

(26:01):
She takes off those big oldclip-on earrings.
So this is what I'm going to do, y'all.
I'm going to stare him in theeye.
I'm going to maintain eyecontact and say Jeffrey, what a
lovely gift.
Then I'm going to fold it inhalf and I'm going to take off
my giant Zsa Zsa clip-onearrings and I'm going to put
one on either side of the foldeddoormat and make myself a super

(26:26):
soap opera clutch and I'llspend the rest of the evening
putting my birthday cards in lipgloss in it, because you're not
going to play in my face,jeffrey.
I need the precedent to be setby someone in this godforsaken
mansion that you can't just Growa pair, jeffrey.
Grow a pair.

(26:50):
I see Kirby sniggling in thecorner.
She pulls me aside and shehands me a heavy box.
I'm a little bit worriedbecause it's a small box.
It could fit in my brand newclutch that I made, but I don't
think it's.
I don't think the clutch issturdy enough.
It's more for the optics, it'smore for principle.
At this point I'm a little bitnervous.
But when I open it it'sactually a beautiful like jade

(27:15):
hair comb, something reallygorgeous to remind us of her
flawless hair.
I'm like oh my God, kirby, thisis beautiful.
She then whispers in my earthat she knows a guy.
If I want to take some lessons,I said you know what, kirby, I
think you're good, but you knowwhat?
Let's grab lunch.
Okay, we'll grab lunch.
Before I leave, mark Jenningsstaggers in fresh off of a fresh

(27:38):
glass of champagne and I knowAlexis cannot be too far behind.
He walks right over to me,plants a big fat, wet one on my
cheek, slips something into mypocket and winks, then he walks
away.
I reach into my pocket andthere's, of course, a room key.

(28:00):
I thought he was in Alexis'shouse and I'm certainly not
going to enter her housedisrespectfully.
I don't want to get retrofilled.
I'm suddenly a little bitnervous because here comes the
queen.
So Alexis shows up and she's, ofcourse, drops me one of the
most fantastic, luscious, actual, real, real fur coats.
I love it, I love it a lot, butAlexis is petty.
She's looking over my shoulderand she sees the silk robe that

(28:24):
Crystal got me.
She goes oh how trailer chic.
Crystal just rolls her eyes androlls her wrist.
She is ready to deliver an Ohiobackhand if Alexis keeps coming
in her sideway.
I love the coat.
I comment on how soft the furis.
It's absolutely magnificent.

(28:45):
Thank you, alexis.
She makes some comment about itnot being made from roadkill
and Crystal rolls her eyes andtakes a step forward.
She gets into her power stancelike she knows what's up.
Oh, there's a ruckus down thehall.
Once again there's some sort ofclamoring and clattering.

(29:07):
It will appear that Tracy hascrashed the party.
She assures everyone that she'snot here to crash the party.
She's actually here to drop offthe QED reports that she forgot
to leave when she wasunceremoniously and unfairly
fired and had to hitch a ridehome from Hong Kong.
She hands them to me saying youknow what you might want to
take a look at these.
It could be very interesting toyou.

(29:28):
Of course, later when I open it, the QED report is empty.
It's just kind of hollowed out.
There's a recording device.
She wasn't even on her Lesliestory.
It's not even that attractive,but because she's there, I know
that Dex Dexter is not farbehind.
He of course kicks open the doorbecause Dex Dexter don't like
closed doors, starts going offabout how his invitation must

(29:51):
have been lost in the mail.
If this is some sort of secretmeeting about oil wells and I
need to be a part of it, I'm thedex and dex lex pex, this is my
party.
Thank you so much.
I thought your invitation wasin the mail.
The dex dexter might be one ofmy newest favorites on this show

(30:15):
and I love his voice, I lovehis attitude, I love his ego.
I don't even mind his back hair.
I think dex gift to me would betwofold.
Dex and I are going to get intoa passionate argument just for
fun over why jerry hollowell, jcchazelle and omarion solo
careers didn't take off likethey should have.
I of course explained with therabid fandom of spice girls and

(30:36):
sync and b2k.
The support for their soloprojects were not there.
I feel like it was sabotaged.
The fault lies in thelackluster management in the
rollout of their projects.
It is not because they lack theraw talent or the desirability.
The audience was there, thetalent was there.
Someone dropped the ball.
Dex disagrees.
Dex says that the groups were acultural movement, a seamless

(31:00):
musical monument, actual poetryin motion and one does not
dismember a seamless embodimentof a generation.
They should have never left thegroup.
He feel like this is theirpenance for not staying in their
groups.
I fully disagree.
We agree to disagree.
And then we fully agree to agreethat Nicole Scherzinger is an

(31:21):
icon who not only carried PCDbut she was such a force in
Eden's crush.
Eden's crush was, of course, acouple of years, in my opinion
too late, and then about twodecades too early.
There just wasn't space forwhat they were bringing at the
time, but I think they couldhave been something phenomenal.
We also agree that NicoleScherzinger's voice is golden,

(31:42):
but also somebody set her up onthe Tony Award.
Somebody played her face.
I would have been livid at thelineup.
Dex agrees.
He says he believes it wassomeone trying to embarrass her
and it feels like a season longrevenge plot and I fully agree.
We make plans to argue againsoon in the future.
And then he hands me a box fullof some of the most beautiful,

(32:07):
semi-precious turquoise stonesin the entire world, tells me
that they were excavated andarranged in a stunning set of
necklaces and earrings just forme.
I need to put in my order for aring because turquoise is hot.
Adam comes sloughing in.
I don't know if he's beentaking care of business.
I get the feeling that no onetold him there was a party.

(32:28):
He would be a little bitirritated, but I think because
I'm not a blue blood, he'dprobably be okay with it.
Plus, my enemy's enemy is myfriend.
Adam's gift is this beautifulgold frame mirror, when in a
handwritten note that says forsomeone who deserves to see
themselves the way I do, I'mtouched.
I'm actually touched.

(32:49):
There's almost a tear rollingdown my eye, until he corners me
and asks me how I feel abouteating the rich and wearing
their faces, you know, forsecurity.
Oh, adam, oh babe.
I encouraged him to lie down inthe study and then I sniffed
the drink that he brought over,because it suddenly smells
faintly of like some sort oflacquer or top coat primer or

(33:12):
something like that.
Suddenly there's a knock at thedoor.
One of the 3,000 servants goesover to answer it.
They come back and there's apackage that's been delivered to
me.
It isn't even a package per se,it is sort of a something
wrapped in a paper bag.
It's a little bit shifty.
It feels a little bit like sand.
It's definitely from Petershifty.

(33:35):
It feels a little bit like sand.
It's definitely from PeterDeFillibuster.
It says with love from Paris,peter PS, don't tell nobody.
I sent this to you.
I immediately leave it on thetable.
Fallon smells PeterDeFillibuster scent through the
paper.
Suddenly, jeff starts lookingall jealous Like I'm the one who

(33:56):
sent myself liquor.
Sir and no sir.
I instruct one of the maids toflush it down the toilet.
Crystal agrees.
She says that's cool.
Claudia and steven show up justin the nick of time.
Steven makes sure to arch theeyebrow nice and high so that
everyone knows he's in the room.
Claudia gives me a handmadegift basket.

(34:16):
It smells amazing, Claudia.

Speaker 2 (34:19):
What is this?
This is so soothing.
I picked from fresh lavenderthis morning from the fields.
I took it from the horsesbecause I believe that too much
lavender gives him anxiety.
Beast of burdens, burden toomuch Pickle dust and lollipops.

(34:42):
Oh, thank you, Claudia.

Speaker 1 (34:44):
It's a whole basket.
It's got the lavender, it's gotthe chamomile, it's got the
sleepy time tea.
It's so soothing I almost passout.
Ashley gives it.
She gives me one of those likewarmies they have for kids.
Only it's so soothing I almostpass out as she gives it.
She gives me one of those likewarmies they have for kids, only
it's for your neck.
It is fantastic.
As I'm fishing through thebasket, though, I noticed that
there is something um, round andsort of cold and hard at the

(35:07):
bottom.
I lift it up and it is a snowglobe.
The snow globe's not theproblem.
The inside of the snow globe,though, is a replica of the
mansion we stand in all 59 roomsor whatever, only it's on fire.
Oh, claudia, this is wonderful,it's the vibes.

Speaker 2 (35:31):
Oh boy.
Thank you, claudia.
Yeah, wonderful, it's the vibes, oh boy thank you, claudia.

Speaker 1 (35:36):
She leaves me to go and talk to a plant in the
corner, steven.
On the other hand, he's bookish.
He spent some time in new york.
I'm sure he met all sorts ofartistic types, probably the
backstock of the 60s artist.
So he would have something likea really obscure copy of mice
and men or maybe, uh oh, oh, asigned copy of the script from

(36:01):
giant.
I think that was that'ssomething he would get.
Something thoughtful like that,like it's still literature,
it's still art, but it also hasto do with oil.
I like that movie.
I haven I haven't seen it in areally long time, it's hella
long.
But I think Steven would give athoughtful gift like that and
probably a piece of jewelry.

(36:21):
But I will take the obscurecopy of Mice and Men and I will
also take a signed copy of thescript of Giant.
Suddenly there's a scream comingfrom upstairs and before long
we all discover that Mark,jennings and Tracy have snuck
off to have a little fun.
Not realizing, they snuck rightinto baby Danny and baby

(36:45):
Blake's nursery.
Nanny on duty was in thebathroom eating the hors
d'oeuvres from downstairs youknow having a good little time
eating scrimps and cocktails andwhatnot.
So she didn't realize they hadcome in the room.
They didn't realize she was inthe bathroom.
When she comes out, she findsthem in a very compromising
position.
Chaos quickly ensues.
In all the commotion, I tap oneof the servants on the shoulder

(37:06):
and ask if Topless Tony isavailable to take me to the
airport.
I got to get to the West Coastand do the absolute most.
If you have made it this far, Ithink it's a good time to
remind you that you can alwaysreach out to me via text.
If you are listening on yourmobile device, go to the show
notes.
There is a link right at thetop that says send us a text.

(37:27):
You can send anything you want.
I'd love to know what you thinkthey would give as gifts.
What would you want as a gift?
What was the best birthday giftyou've ever had?
What's the best gift you'veever given?
Or watch someone receive?
Reach out to me in the shownotes or you can send me an
email at soplorepodcast atgmailcom.
That'sS-O-A-P-L-O-R-E-P-O-D-C-A-S-T at

(37:52):
gmailcom.
Next up, we got to do the FalconQuest crew.
I figure we stick with thewealthy folks.
The original three that Istarted watching.
This one was slightly morechallenging, I feel like, the
further I go west, the harder itbecame, for some reason.
This is a little bitchallenging, but I think I got

(38:12):
it figured out.
So all of this would go down atFalcon Crest.
It absolutely has to go down inAngela's house.
They do a lot outside too,falcon Crest.
Now that I think about it,they're really good at shifting
things around.
Sometimes things pop off in anoffice, sometimes they pop off
at a garden party, but all ofthe best of the best of the best
stuff happens right there inAngela Channing's house.

(38:33):
So we're going to start withBig Perm and of course she's
going to give one of the finestbottles of wine.
It's been aged 100 years or soand I'm like, oh my gosh, this
is so great.
There's also a pair of buttery,soft driving gloves.
Because I'm going to FalconCrest, I thought it'd be very

(38:55):
clever to bring them a gift aswell.
So I got a basket full ofjalapeno grapefruit moonshine I
want somebody to taste and tellme what they think and I also
got some muscadine moonshine,which I did not get at HEB.
Let me be very clear.
But in my mind it's like I likemuscadine moonshine which I did
not get at heb.
Let me be very clear.
But in my mind it's like I likemuscadines.

(39:17):
It's april, it's august,they're fresh in.
Let's see if you can make afine wine from this.
I found a couple of recipesonline.
I want to know what big angthinks.
And it turns out to be my acein the hole.
So everyone, everyone's gatheredin Angela's living room.
She's already given me thewriting gloves and the vintage
wine, of course, but she startssipping on my moonshine and

(39:44):
before you know it, she's likehey, hey, hey, how much is it
going to cost to buy yourvineyards?
I don't really have a vineyard,I just have the grapes.
I don't tell her that I don'thave a grape vineyard.
I don't really have a vineyard,I just have the grapes.
I don't tell her that I don'thave a grape vineyard, I don't
have like the space.
She starts offering to buy myvineyard.
I'm like you know what?
That's not necessary, angela, Ican send you some muscadines,

(40:10):
whatever you need.
She's like nah, nah, nah.
I'm a fair business woman.
I exchange property for moneyor exchange property for secrets
.
I'm like what kind of secretsyou got?
Give me the tea.
She sends Charlie quietly up toher room.
He comes back down with thejournal.
She says this is my journalfrom when I was married to
Ronald Reagan, right about thetime Nancy started showing up.
It is salacious.

(40:31):
Immediately I'm like, oh mygosh, I've heard some things.
You know what I'm saying.
I've heard some things.
She said whatever you've heardmultiplied times 10,.
You want this journal or no?
You going to send me somemoonshine or no?
Girl, you can have all thismoonshine, I'll make sure to
ship you some in no time.
I would love to read JaneWyman's journals.

(40:54):
Can you imagine how salaciousthose journals would be?
The aviator Adonis is, ofcourse, there with V-neck on, or
at least two or three hotbuttons undone.
He gives me a pair of aviators,of course, and an aviator
jacket.
I dig.
It's a members only jacket.
It's not leather.

(41:14):
I think that's very on brandfor him.
He likes to wear jackets.
He always keeps those glasseson, so I think that was a
no-brainer.
The only thing that could topthat is maybe a ride around the
vineyard in his littletwo-seater airplane, but that
kind of makes me nervous.
I'd do it though, for theexperience.
Let's see who we got.

(41:35):
My girl, emma, is whimsical,she's clever, she's kooky and
she's also a computer whiz.
So I think she would give me anibm computer that would
probably weigh upwards of 60pounds.
So far, so good.
These are all very you, normaland logical gifts, until the bad

(41:56):
girl herself shows up MellieMel.
Mellie Mel shows up and insteadof greeting the guests of honor
and moi, she goes straight toAngelus to start some ish about
not being the heir to FalconCrest.
They get into a quick littlebattle.
Of course Chase sees it's anopportunity to be Captain Sabo.
He goes over there.

(42:16):
He's quickly told to sit downand stay in her child's place by
Big Perm.
So I go over to see if I canmaybe smooth the situation over.
It's not necessary, you couldtell Melissa just needed to make
an entrance.
She didn't see a table to flip.
So she's like okay, I'll just,I'll do the next next thing.
Let me start a fight with thisold lady.

(42:39):
Melissa's gift to me is veryyoung and very fun and it's very
official.
In all of the gifts given thusfar, I have yet to receive a
purse.
I'm going to need a purse.
I think Melissa would give atrue 80s clutch, probably red
leather or something.
It'll be buttery, soft and whenI unzip the pocket there's a
couple of candid photos.

(43:00):
They are taken via a Polaroidcamera.
They are of an unsuspectingelarolling her hair at her dresser.
There's like a series of themwhere you could tell someone is

(43:24):
backing out of the room asthey're snapping the shots,
because in each photographangela is.
Angela's anger is progressing.
So the first one, she's rollingher hair with the rollers.
The next she's kind of turned,facing the camera, mouth agape.
The third, she's retching overto stand up.

(43:45):
The fourth, she's reaching forthe camera, yelling at it.
It is hilarious, it isfantastic.
Melissa tells me to keep thosefor blackmail.
And if I really want some tea,she wants me to give her the
grapefruit jalapeno moonshine.
So I'm like okay, I know I havea couple extra bottles of both
in my bag.
I tell her I will, so exchangemy moonshine.

(44:10):
Melissa gives me yet anotherbox.
When I open it, it's a.
It's a shirley temple wig.
I said, girl, what is this?
She said this is angela's wig.
She don't want nobody to knowthat she throws this on every
now and again.
She wants y'all to think it'sher naturally curly hair.
But she'd really be wearingthat shirley temple wig, girl

(44:33):
messy.
But I'm gonna keep it.
Okay, right about time, it'stime to sexy this up a little
bit in walks, lance out on bail,fresh out of jail.
There's really only one gift togive when you were lance cumson
, aka lorenzo lamas actuallythere two.
It's either some poster ofhimself, greased down with long

(44:54):
hair on a motorcycle I promiseyou there are dozens in rotation
to this day or it ismemorabilia from Body Rock.
He gives me the Body Rocksoundtrack on vinyl, which I
appreciate and one of Chili D'sbest, from the film Fantastic.
Richard Channing is none toopleased to see that Lance is

(45:15):
still there.
Lorraine is not invited.
I think Lorraine is upstairstaking a nap.
I can't imagine she'd want tobe a part of all this, plus
Richard's there.
So let's say Lorraine is takinga nap, plus I can't feel out
her personality enough right nowto know what sort of gift she'd
give.
Plus she's a co-ed personalityenough right now to know what
sort of gifts she'd give, plusshe's a co-ed.
I'm not really trying to makecollege kids get any money, but
Richard, on the other hand,we're going to take all of his

(45:36):
money.
Richard, of course, gives me amembership to Tuscany Downs.
The VIP lounge is open to meanytime I'd want to go.
There's also a gift of $2,000 Ican gamble to or use to gamble
at my discretion.
It's not credit, it is a $2,000gift to gamble on horses.

(45:56):
I don't know the first thingabout horses, so I mean I'm
definitely going to go and haveit.
I think I have to go and have agreat time.
Tuscany Downs looks like it'sthe place to be.
Plus, they look like they havea really really great lunch Not
a La Mirage lunch like a reallygreat one, probably chefs and
whatnot.
Richard sees the opportunity.
He's noticed that Angela isfeeling a little loosey, goosey

(46:22):
over there drinking moonshineand by this point Melissa has
found the only table in the roomand decided to climb on top of
it because she's gone off ofthat.
Grapefruit moonshine,grapefruit, jalapeno moonshine.
Richard asks, of course, hey,hey, hey.
Are you going to sell me partof your vineyard, are you going
to sell me part of your land sothat I can produce box moonshine
?
I was like I don't really thinkbox moonshine is going to work.

(46:43):
The whole point of moonshineisn't being in a jar.
It's got to be a little dirty,it's got to be a little bit
secret.
I don't think that's a goodidea, richard.
He's like hey, give me twobottles and I'll give you
something.
I know you've had your eye.
Okay, cool, can I ask you aquestion also?
He's like, yes, you can ask mea question also.
So in exchange for somegrapefruit and muscadine

(47:04):
moonshine, richard Channinghands me a fistful of those Nazi
jewels that he had stolen.
You remember when he let thatdude die in the cave?
What was his?
name Gosh.
What was his real name?
It doesn't matter.
He's gone.
Richard, let him collapse.
But there was all these jewelsand stuff laying about.
He actually grabbed a couple ofhandfuls.

(47:25):
He was in the process of havingthem appraised.
They're appraising for a prettypenny, but he's like I'll give
you like three of them for yourmoonshine sold.
Also, I want to ask you,richard, did you, did anybody
check to make sure that dude wasdead?
And he's like, absolutely not.
But on the way out I definitelyheard him talking.

(47:46):
So I mean he when he, when Ileft, yes, he was definitely
alive.
Did I tell anybody?
No, did anybody go and checkalso?
No, it's about time for themanimal to show up and he is
thoughtful enough and amusedenough by my calling him the
manimal.
I get a box full of memorabiliathat never was manimal, was

(48:08):
supposed to be this huge hitnever rolled out.
So there's all sorts of cupsand t-shirts and action figures
and, of course, one of myfavorite things in the whole
world a signed headshot.
Actually, I don't mind this onebecause it's a signed headshot
of him holding a falcon.
So it's like falcon crestmanimal.
I dig it.
I think Leather Pants Pam wouldbe there, because, number one,

(48:31):
it's an opportunity to wear outa new outfit.
Number two, she can keep an eyeon Richard, but mostly I think
it's just out of obligation.
I think she would no doubt giveme a vinyl copy of Thriller,
right?
It's very clear who herwardrobe inspiration is.
There's no doubt about it.
That is one thing I wish Icould do.
I wish I could go back andwatch Thriller for the first

(48:53):
time with the world when itpremiered.
I can only imagine how crazythat went the next day.
Also, how many people had towear with all the recorded, I
wonder.
I wonder if it was on a loop orsomething.
I bet that was.
So just like, oh my God,everybody's jaws on the ground.
Amazing.
While I'm smiling at this brandnew copy of Thriller, in walks,
aunt Terry Now, aunt Terrystrikes me as a cherry lip gloss

(49:17):
girl.
So I felt like I'd open her giftand it'd be cherry lip gloss
and just yards and yards andyards of gold lamé.
Now, when I look at her, like,what am I supposed to do with
this?
She's like go home and makesomething.
I don't really know what.
It doesn't matter what you make, you're gonna look hot, hot in

(49:39):
gold.
We'll see, terry, we'll see.
So I was really thinking aboutMaggie.
I feel like Maggie is probablya little bit under the influence
, a lot more than we noticed, alot more than we care to call
out.
But I also started thinkingabout her role in the show.
Maggie is always in the middleof something, but she is quite
literally the only person on theshow that nobody's ever pissed
off at.
Nobody's ever upset with Maggie, but she's always in the mix.

(50:03):
So Maggie would give me a bookof 101 ways to be nosy, rosy and
come out on top.
It is something she would havewritten herself, because
sometimes she writes screenplays, sometimes she writes magazine
articles, sometimes she goesundercover to report on
dangerous working conditions forchildren.
Sometimes she's yeah, she doesit all.

(50:23):
If there's some sort of youknow, not too backbreaking media
work, she's definitely going todo it, and I think she really
has a.
She understands how to be allup in your business, but keep it
cute enough to where you don'teven realize she's being nosy
and a little bit invasive.

(50:43):
Now she's gonna start reading acouple of pages from it and,
because I do believe she's underthe influence most of the time,
it'll make a whole lot of sensethere's probably at least three
chapters of straight gibberish,but when it's coherent is that
she knows what you're talkingabout.

(51:04):
Okay, did I forget anybody aboutme?
For us, who we got?
We got angie chase, mel, emma,lance, richard, manimal leather
pants, pam, aunt terry.
Oh, oh, my gosh.
I didn't mean to be shady justnow, but I was shady just now.
Just like now I'm having a goodtime about to join Melissa on

(51:25):
the table dancing to Tina Mariegoing off this good wine and
moonshine.
When I finally noticed that therack that I go to hang my coat
on isn't a coat rack, it'sactually coal.
Ugh, who invited you?
He crosses his arm and saysright back at you Normally I
wouldn't want infants at theparty, but where's Joseph

(51:46):
Joseph's with his nanny?
Hmm, well, did you bring a giftfor me, cole?
Begrudgingly, he reaches in hisback pocket and hands me a
folded, a folded headshot ofhimself, and it's not signed.
To jet with love like arespectable human being.
It's signed, or there's amessage on it, rather, that says

(52:09):
this chiseled jaw and killerheadshot, look like a toddler.
Yes, yes, it does yes, it doeswe're right about now.
Everybody's having a great time.
I kind of don't want to leave.
But then I look over myshoulder and I see julia dressed
as a police officer.
Oh my god, julia, I thought youwere at the insane asylum or,

(52:30):
excuse me, with the nuns orsomething.
She didn't really say much.
She's just kind of walkingaround smiling nervously at
people and everybody starts tofeel uncomfortable.
Julia hands me a small box.
It looks like it's a ring box.
When I open it, there are twobullets, two bullets, people.
The room goes silent.
You can hear a cork drop oncarpet.

(52:51):
Julia, um, what are these?
She's like.
Well, they're bullets, ofcourse, and I kind of go.
Now I'm nervous, wishing I had alittle coffee and I said, julie
, are these for me?
No, they're not for you, butthey're for somebody in this
room.
All right, that's enough,angela, can Charlie take me to
the airport?
I need to get him down to LAreal quick.

(53:13):
Plaza Falcon Crab.
You better get the heck out ofthere quickly.
Something's bound to blow.
Yeah, it's about to blow up, soI I gotta go.
Y'all can have the rest of thismoonshine.
As I'm leaving, falcon crust,joel, florida, man mccarthy
jumps out of the bushes.
Oh, my happy birthday.

(53:36):
He tells me he has a gift forme.
I immediately know that this isnot just a birthday gift, this
is a result of B&E.
I'm like, okay, he pulls out abrown paper sack, tells me to
close my eyes.
I'm not getting any more boogersugar near me.
No, sir Joel, I'm gonna need myeyes open and I'm gonna need

(53:56):
you to take two steps back.
It's like, okay, bet, bet, bet.
He shimmies, opens the paperbag and opens his own palm and
out pops a Rolex.
Oh my gosh, a Rolex.
Thank you, I remember he.
You know he'd been blackmailingpeople, so he had a little
money.
Well, when I go to look at theRolex and turn it over, happy
anniversary, love Ricardo.

(54:18):
Happy anniversary, love ricardo.
Joel.
Where did you get this?
I?
Bought it.
Do you like it?
Yes, I like it, thank you.
Is that stolen yard flamingo?
Mine too.
It's like yep, if you want it,I'll take it.
Thank you so much.

(54:41):
Okay, so not slanting when Ithink about this.
Mind you, this is season three,not that that really makes a
difference, but everybody isdoing well.
Financially.
They seem to be doing fine, Iknow.
I think everybody's doing well.
This is what we think aboutwhen you think middle class.
They're not super wealthy, butthey are very, very far from
struggling.
So I thought about if thesepeople aren't going to be buying

(55:02):
you diamonds and things likethat, even if they are running a
dealership.
They're trying to get newbusinesses off the ground.
Everybody is fairly new atwhatever it is they're doing,
with the exception of Richardand, I guess, kenny.
So these gifts would be sort ofnormal.
It didn't occur to me until Istarted sort of thinking about

(55:24):
what that would mean.
Gift giving now is very, verydifferent than it was in 1981.
I just realized today that I'venever had a time in my life
where I couldn't go into a storeand buy like a gift set of
lotions, of body spray, stufflike that.
I don't think that wasavailable.
I started getting a little bitnervous, like, okay, well, these

(55:49):
people aren't going to buy me ablender because it would be
your birthday, granted.
Now we buy each other likemicro appliances.
I've definitely bought likedesk fans, desk vacuums and
stuff like that.
But if somebody gave me avacuum cleaner for my birthday,
what is this?
So I was going to Google itfirst Google gifts from the
1980s but I decided, afterflipping through the channels,

(56:11):
that I would just watch thePrice is Right On Amazon Prime.
Right now they have Price isRight channel and it's the Bob
Barker era, which probablylasted what?
Like 50 years, 28, 30 years,something like that.
I was today years old when Irealized that Bob Barker had
brown hair.
I was like, wait what?
I don't know what year the theones I watched were from

(56:35):
probably like late 70s, early80s.
He has brown hair some of times.
Sometimes it's really darkbrown and then other times you
could tell it was starting togray and they probably sprayed a
little something on it.
He still looked good.
Barb barker has always been him.
First and foremost, he ischarming, but he also says
exactly what's on his mind.

(56:56):
He is hilarious.
He is so good at hosting thisshow that's neither here nor
there.
I watched to get to get someideas of, like, what would a
normal everyday person just buyor be super excited to receive.
I think I got some stuff.
Might need y'all's help, though, okay.
So I think Karen, being sort ofthe leader of the neighborhood

(57:16):
watch something like that.
She's going to be at this pointin her life.
She's focused on family, she'sfocused on building memories,
she's focused on building thefuture.
So I think she'd give me like aphoto album, right, that's nice
and neutral, that's somethingvery practical.
That's something you could givesomebody for their birthday.
You wouldn't need like a superspecial occasion.
I think Valene, the VidaliaOnion Queen.

(57:38):
I would like a signed copy ofher debut novel, first and
foremost, duh, but also shewould have made the cake hands
down.
And Val strikes me as like adusting powder girl.
You know those dusting powders.
You ever go in your grandma'sbathroom and they come like in a
purple or pink circular jarit's got a plastic lid and it

(58:00):
smells.
So it smells like lavender orroses or something.
I feel like she'd do that.
In my mind that's theequivalent of body spray in 1981
.
It's not super serious, it'ssomething you can pass on, but
I'm going to need a signed copyof her debut novel.
Okay, laura, laura is newermoney, she is her when it comes
to real estate in SoCal, or atleast in LA, at least in this

(58:24):
part of LA.
I think she'd give me one ofthose jewelry boxes.
Not only did I look at theprices right, but I just started
thinking about things that arein my Aunt May's house, or just
furniture that I saw in theearly 90s.
Or if you go into an oldperson's bedroom now they
probably still have it.
It's a vertical jewelry boxwith a little door, so it looks

(58:45):
a little bit like a bureau.
Is that how you say the bureau?
If you open the little glassdoor, it has a miniature, for
best way to say it is a ceilingfan.
Looking thing to me.
You'd hang your necklaces inthat in the drawer.
Quote-unquote part would bethis be where your rings would
go, and the other drawer you'dhang your necklaces in that in
the drawer.
Quote-unquote part would bethis be where your rings would
go, and the other drawer you'dhave your earrings.
I have a vague memory of thisbeing in my aunt may's house and

(59:08):
I thought it was so, so cool,along with all the perfume on
her dresser.
So who we got?
We got karen, val and laurawould drop off very normal gifts
.
I think Richard one of twothings.
Would he give me a book of thelaw?

(59:31):
I don't think he loves a lawlike that, but I did just
discover, thanks to the prizesright, a video gaming system
system.
Not a nintendo, it's a colicocolico vision, colico vision
video game.
It looks like two remotes andold-fashioned phone cord hooked
up to a black box.

(59:51):
Maybe he didn't buy me the game, maybe he would buy me games
for that, like games for gamingsystem.
Lily may of this is no brainer.
Lily Mae's going to bust outwhatever that is she's playing
and she's going to be singingher little heart out.
I want to hear in the pinecountry and whatever new song

(01:00:14):
she's written.
Of course she has a mixtape.
I'm going to enjoy that, whichis perfect, because I think that
Ginger would give me a Walkman.
I think that's practical right.
Give me a Walkman so I canlisten to Lily Mae's mixtape.
But I feel like Kenny wouldgive me some.
He'd want to be smooth.

(01:00:35):
He'd want to seem verysophisticated, maybe a little
too eager.
Smooth, he'd want to seem verysophisticated, maybe a little
too eager.
I think Kenny Wiggy, give mesome signed autograph album of
this really happening new artist.
They're country and Western.
You're going to love them.
They're amazing.
Now Lily Mae's going to overhearthis and cop an attitude,

(01:00:55):
because why are you signing newcountry artists when you have
old school country artistswho've been on the road for 40
plus years?
How dare you?
She's got an attitude andinstead of confronting him, she
just starts singing in the pinecountry extra loud.
Oh my gosh, okay.

(01:01:18):
So gary, here's the truthdoesn't seem like a gift giver
to me.
I think he would piggyback onwhatever Valene gave.
However, he's probably notgoing to be pumped about that
book when he hears about it.
So I think Gary would doprobably the most generic thing
he's like okay, this is a lady,here's a scarf.
He'll hand me a box and he'llbe like making that stupid face

(01:01:42):
I hate so much.
I got you a scarf.
I heard you like baby blue.
Of course it's gonna make okayokay gary shut up, he's gonna
roll his eyes.
I'm gonna roll my eyes.
We're both smirking at the sametime.
I can't stand you, gary, but Iam gonna take the baby blue
scarf and then that leaves Abby.
So, abby, I figured her giftwould need to be semi-practical.

(01:02:03):
She doesn't strike me as anyonewho's cheap.

Speaker 2 (01:02:09):
Doesn't seem like she's afraid to spend a little
bit of money longer than hers.

Speaker 1 (01:02:13):
So Abby or her ex-husband, rather, I don't know
whose money is going to buythis.
She's going to give me a bookon seduction and a really
expensive bottle of champagne.
This, of course, gets eye rollsfrom Vidalia, from Laura and
from Karen.
Valene is pissed because,number one, why are you trying
to compete with me with a book?

(01:02:33):
And number two, why is it abook on seduction and she says
this much?
Why would you go and give abook like that to her?
That's a married woman.
Why would she need to beseductive?
Don't you understand thesanctity of marriage, abby?
Don't you understand?
Karen is going to be pissed fora totally different reason.
Like Abby, is that the bottleof champagne I bought you for
dinner.
That time you told me you werenot going to fix my taxes, that

(01:02:55):
you messed up.
All that you messed up.
All Abby says is and did.
And also, val, if you want toborrow it from her, you can.
And that's when it goes down.
Actually, it would never godown there.
From what I'm watching so far,there's very.
Karen is confrontational.
They might have a littleconfrontation with each other,
but I don't think Knotts Landingfistfights each other.

(01:03:15):
I think that's a whole nothershow Now in this amazing
fantastical fantasy.
Yes, I know Citizen is inseason three, but there's no way
I can't do that and I certainlyalso definitely don't want any
of the kids there.
No shade to Michael and Eric.
They're cool.

(01:03:35):
I actually really like them.
Baby Two Names seems cool too.
She don't really do much.
And Jason, he seems cool.
I've hardly ever seen him andactually I like all the kids
except Diana.
I was going to say Diana hasbeen okay, but I think she would
be insufferable and quitefrankly I get annoyed when they

(01:03:57):
fold her in sometimes with theolder ladies.
I understand she needs thatguidance.
That's how you're supposed todo it, but she get on my nerves,
I don't know.
Hopefully she's babysitting allthe kids In the rest of this
fantasy everybody would cometogether.
Obviously it would have tohappen in Denver because they
have the best space.
There'd be a mix of millennialjams and other jams, but of

(01:04:21):
course you know I need Lily Maeto perform a couple numbers.
I need Lance to whatever he'ssinging.
We need that.
I guess Ginger could sing asong or two.
Well, oh, I need Alexis back onstage.

(01:04:42):
Remember when?
What were they in Billings?
I can't remember where theywent.
She did that whole country andwestern dance outfit and all
that leather.
Yeah, I need it to turn up.
I need the bad girls to unite.
I want, oh, lucy could sing too, and I guess Afton can come and
sing.
But I'd like all the mistresses, all the bad girls, all the
good girls, all the in betweengirls.

(01:05:03):
I want to hear Kirby and Juliahave a conversation.
You know what I mean.
Could you imagine the guidanceJulia would give Kirby?
I want to hear that girl,kristen, coming there in school.
All of them, them.
Okay, yeah, y'all pulled outweapons, but like, what else are
you going to do?
Did you get away with it?

(01:05:23):
I'm saying all the baby mamasto pop up, all the almost baby
daddies to lament together.
Can you imagine theconversation between Cole excuse
me, between Lance and CliffBarnes about almost having a
baby with your mistress, only tohave her run back to her

(01:05:44):
husband and marry somebody else?
It's crazy.
I want to hear Richard and JRtalk about being villains.
I want to hear Angela talk toJR about being a villain.
I want to hear Angela set jocksstraight if he says something
out of pocket.
I want Terry and very boringFallon to compare their boring

(01:06:08):
lives.
Actually, no, terry is a wholelot more fascinating than Fallon
when you put them side by side.
Dang, I want to see bad girlMelly, mel, disrespect the house
, flip over every table oversomething inconsequential, like
her napkin ring was the wrongcolor, or something like that.
I want somebody to get into afight.
I want Claudia to slap somebody.
I think this could be the mostepic gathering of all time.

(01:06:33):
Well, ladies and gentlemen,that's going to have to be a
story for another time.
Thank you so much for joining metoday on my fan fiction,
fantastical fantasy birthday.
If it's your birthday, I hopeyou're doing well.
Um, birthday's august 11th, bythe way.
Hopefully I get this out intime.
I promise you, if I don't getit out that day, it'll be very,

(01:06:54):
very close.
It's been a busy month alreadyand it just started.
All right, guys, join me nexttime when we jump back into some
soap opera debauchery.
Stay hydrated, stay moisturized, mind your own business and
keep all of your drama on TV.
Thank you Bye.