July 2, 2024 • 51 mins
Join us on this episode of the Sober Living Stories podcast as we welcome Amy Colliton, a former childhood actor and founder of her own theater company, who celebrates 42 years of sobriety today. From her first encounter with alcohol at just 11 years old to her involvement in Alateen, Amy's journey is a true example and inspiration to listeners looking to make a change. She shares candid moments from her life, including the challenges of navigating trust issues within her family dynamic and the lifestyle of a young professional actor.
Getting sober at the young age of 21 years old, her colorful story talks about her wild lifestyle in New York City, up until sobriety took hold and changed her life. She also touches on family alcoholism as a generational component. Our conversation is relatable, fun, and filled with insights about long-term sobriety.
Through vivid storytelling, Amy highlights the pivotal roles of various supportive figures, her heartfelt reunion with her father, and the transformative experiences that paved the way for her 42-year recovery. Her narrative is a testament to the power of community and the vital importance of complete abstinence in maintaining long-term sobriety.
As we discuss deeper, Amy opens up about the generational impact of alcoholism, the importance of addressing deep-seated family issues, and the role of altruism in her recovery. She discusses the emotional growth that comes from breaking free of codependency and secrecy, and the challenges and hopes of parenting while sober.
Amy now lives on the West Coast and enjoys sober living among friends and family. To connect with Amy Colliton:
https://www.facebook.com/carlsbad123/
https://www.instagram.com/amyc.113/?hl=en
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amy-colliton-2b421b263/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Getting sober at the young age of 21 years old in New
York City.
Meet my next guest, amyColleton.
She was a childhood actor whostarted her own theater company.
She had a lifelong lived on theEast Coast and she shares her
42nd year sober anniversary withus today on the Sober Living
(00:21):
Stories podcast.
So tune in.
She has a colorful story thattalks about her wildlife in New
York City and then she goes intoher sobriety and how it had
taken hold and changed her life.
She also touches on familyalcoholism as a generational
component.
It's going to be a funconversation filled with
(00:41):
insights about long-termsobriety.
Welcome to the Sober LivingStories podcast.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing stories of sobriety.
We shine a spotlight onindividuals who have faced the
challenges of alcoholism andaddiction and are today living
(01:04):
out their best lives sober.
Each guest has experiencedincredible transformation and
are here to share their storywith you.
I'm Jessica Stepanovic, yourhost.
Join me each week as guestsfrom all walks of life share
their stories to inspire andprovide hope to those who need
it most.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Sober Living Stories podcast
(01:43):
.
Today, my guest is Amy Colleton.
She got sober when she wasyoung, with 21 years, in New
York City.
She has a few perspectives onsober life, and she reminds us
also about the disease ofalcoholism being a family one
and that her sobriety doesn'tprotect her children or any
other family member from thisdisease.
(02:05):
She has insights from herpersonal story and we're just
going to dive in and let hertell it, and today's actually a
special day for you.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Welcome to the show.
Thank you, welcome to the show,amy.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Oh, thank you so much .
It's a pleasure to be here.
Thank you for having me.
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
So today is your 42 year anniversary of long-term
sobriety.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Yes, 42 years sober.
It's kind of nuts I like.
You know.
It's twice as long as I wasalive when I got here, but
that's okay.
You know, if you stay, youdon't drink and you stay alive.
You're, you end up with 42years Wow.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
So, yeah, so I'm really interested to get into
this and to hear your personalstory.
I know that you were brought upin 12-step meetings and
environment and that was yourroad to recovery, as was my own,
and yeah, so just share whathappened.
What got you to a point thatyou said, yeah, this is
(03:05):
problematic, and then youdecided to make a change and
walk us through it.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Sure, yes, I did grow up around.
My father was alcoholic and hedied about eight years ago with
about 43 years of sobriety, Ithink he was, and so he was nine
years sober when I got soberand had been in and out of AA
longer than that.
And I went to Alateen as ateenager and you know, in
(03:34):
Alateen there's like two kindsof kids, you know, the ones that
are in the back getting highand the ones that are trying to
help them.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Wow, I was kind of both.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I was a little of both and um, but uh, yeah, so I
and I also I grew up aprofessional actor kid, so, um,
I, I kind of uh, that was one ofthose things that you know.
I think most people that havethis disease have that some
something that they latch on to,that.
That's that terminal uniquenessthing about them, you know, and
(04:08):
mine was that I was aprofessional kid on tv all the
time and I wasn't um, you know,and I couldn't really trust
anybody, you know but, but itreally uh, I, you, I had seen my
father.
Actually, my father was aperiodic, which is an
interesting thing, you know wedon't talk about periodics as
(04:31):
much anymore but he was the guywho could like not drink for
many months and then go on abender, not drink, go on a
bender, and then he finally got.
So I didn't see a lot of myfather's drinking, but I saw my
mother's reaction, which was,you know, my mother was a very
I'm one of six kids from NewYork and Long Island, rockville
(04:53):
Center specific and, and youknow, my mother had a lot going
on.
So, and she was, she was verywhat I see today, very strong
Al-Anon disease.
You know, her codependency wasreally intense and um, and then
by the time I started drinking,I was young, I was only like 11
(05:14):
years old when I starteddrinking and, um, and I loved it
.
The first time I drank, youknow, I was like, oh, this is it
.
And now I also saw my brothersand sisters.
I'm the youngest of those six.
I saw them, a lot of thempartying, lots of partying.
We were, um, I could say, oh,like the fun and dysfunctional.
We were a super fun family.
(05:35):
We still are, you know, most ofus just don't drink anymore.
So that's a good thing.
And now, yeah, so by the time Iwas, I went into Manhattan and
went to the high schoolperforming arts and I started a
theater company right out ofthere and by then my drinking
(05:56):
was totally out of hand.
My drinking was out of hand allthrough high school.
Um, and I was the kind of I.
I knew I probably hadalcoholism.
I knew I was going to be one ofthem out of my family, but I
thought that that meant that ifI knew it internally, like
secretly, that, uh, I could beatit.
(06:16):
You know what I mean, that Iwas, I had on all the other
idiots who didn't know they hadit.
You know, right, right, and um,but I, the first time I came
into AA, actually I was 18 andum, one of my brothers was sober
in AA and we got into aterrible argument and, um, he
(06:37):
called me an alcoholic and Isaid and all of a sudden I
confessed that I was, and, uh,and I went to a meeting that
night and uh, you know, that'sthat power of like, he was
trying to help me, even thoughhe was my least favorite sibling
, and he was trying to help meand I went to a meeting that
night and I didn't like it atall.
(06:57):
I was not happy because A mybrother was in the other room
and so was my father, and Ireally didn't want any part of
that legacy at that point.
And so I, but I managed to staysober because for a while,
because I I think what it waswas you know, I didn't know
anything really about myself,but that seemed to be
(07:19):
interesting to other people thatI was an alcoholic and at such
a young age and there was likenobody else in the program, like
really back that was so thatwas like 1978.
And there were not a lot ofyoung people yet, it just was
yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
And pre-record you said that 18 was actually the
drinking age in New York City,which is a 21 today.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
It's 21 today, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Presently.
Yeah, so you were actuallywalking in to get sober when
people were just starting to goout and drink, which must've
been kind of difficult.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah, yeah, it was yeah, but, um, but there, there
wasn't a friend of mine thatsaid oh, no, right Right.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
So, just to just to back up a up a little because
it's it may be interesting tolisteners, because you know you
see a lot in the news right now.
You had mentioned you werechildhood actor.
Um, what were some of thethings that you were on and also
like that, I see a lot of thatand how you know you talked
about the trust and how it's notthere and it seemed to go hand
(08:25):
in hand with like addictionsometimes in the news and stuff.
Why is that and could you talka little to that?
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, so that trusting was just when I think
you were young, hmm.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Because you were young and in a professional
environment.
Yeah, well, actually in theprofessional environment.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Yeah Well, actually in the professional environment,
I loved the professionalenvironment I did about.
I did a lot of TV commercialsand I did a soap opera for a
while and I did a lot of printwork and I worked a lot as a kid
and um, as, and mostly incommercials, but, um, but I
worked a lot and um, and I lovedmy professional environment.
(09:05):
It was, it was other kids andfamily, you know like, even
actually my family, my olderbrothers and sisters, you know,
were didn't want me to get a bighead and they would like turn
off the TV if the commercialcame on, or, you know, or then
I'd walk on the school bus andpeople would, people would make
fun of me, kind of, you know,and I.
(09:27):
So that that created this senseof, like, isolation for me and
lack of trust, you know.
Or there was the girls thatwanted to be my friends so they
could come with me on a shoot,or, you know, like you know, and
and because of some of thepeople I knew, and and that kind
of thing.
So it was, it was yeah, and,and you know, like I said, I
(09:50):
mean, we all have something thatmakes us feel more unique, but
that trust factor I didn't trustand my, my home environment was
not really that safe either.
I had that same brother that Iactually admitted I was
alcoholic to was somebody thatwas very abusive to me
throughout my younger life, andso I and the fact that he was
(10:11):
getting and everybody knew hewas an alcoholic too, you know,
you could, really he wassomebody that was obvious as
well as it was with me.
But I I I didn't have very safeplaces, you know they weren't
like home.
Actually, really, the most safeplace was on set when I was at
(10:31):
home.
It wasn't really that safe, butI just didn't trust what people
felt about my you know, thatbig shot-ism, you know I didn't
have that.
Really I felt I loved what Idid and I didn't care what you
really thought.
But but that everybody wasalways saying don't be such a
big shot and I'm like I don'tthink I am, but okay.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Right, okay, yeah, makes sense, makes sense.
Yeah, so take us to 18.
When you walked in, I mean, didthat stick or did you have a
little in and out?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I had some in and out , it didn't really well.
No, it stuck for about maybe ayear or so, but also back then,
in the recovery programs I wasdoing, you were not allowed to
talk about drugs, so I didn't,and I did them.
(11:29):
So I was an actress.
I was an actress, therefore Iwas a waitress, and so I I hung
out with all my girls that Iworked with and we would go out
partying in Manhattan and youknow, and I didn't drink, didn't
drink, but I did some otherrecreational stuff, and so that
became that.
That ended up becoming a biggerproblem, of course, and and
then, and then, finally, I drank.
(11:50):
You know, I walked into a, Iwalked into a bar on the Upper
East Side, and this is silly,but it's my story.
I always had, um, fascinationwith the mob, right.
So I walk into this restaurantand there's all these mobsters
in the back sitting there andI'm like, oh honey, I'm home and
(12:16):
like, within two weeks or less,I don't know, I was working
there, you know, and, um, I quitmy other job with my other,
really good job and and startedworking at this place and it was
full of mobsters and sportsfigures and and I, yeah, and
then that started a life for afew years with those, the mob,
(12:41):
the mob and within about six.
And then then I thought that'swhen I drank.
I was working there when Ipicked up my well, actually I
went across the street to a guyhad 12 step.
Um, I had tried helped get soberright and I he was a bartender
across the street and um, so Iliked that.
I liked the part of like, oh,you think it's interesting that
(13:02):
I'm alcoholic and I likedhelping people.
So you know, like I wanted toget people sober, so I went.
But I went over and tommy was abartender across the street and
I said, um, I give me a shot, adouble shot, of jack daniels,
I've done with this, no drinkingthing.
And uh, and we both took adrink and um, that was it for me
(13:26):
for the for the next two and ahalf years or whatever it went
until I came into the program.
And uh and um, and then it was,then it was, and then I was
with that crowd and that was awhole other like craziness, you
know.
And uh, I left there and um, uh, the owner of that place, that
(13:46):
partnership broke up.
He opened up another place andand I went with him and I moved
into the apartment upstairs andand that woman had a boyfriend
who was in prison but and we andshe had his child and he was
the head of a even kind of worseorganization.
(14:07):
Not that the mafia is not worseenough, but they were these
guys called the westies.
They were kind of a scary crewof um assassins basically on the
in new york, and uh, irish crewand um, that was crazy.
So now I'm involved in all thesepeople and uh, and I'm no
nothing to do with my familyanymore.
(14:28):
They don't.
They're like scared for me,they don't want anything to do
with me.
I would go over it.
My parents lived on the upperWest side and now I lived on the
Upper East side and, um, Iwould barely show up for
anything at this point and uh,and when I did, I'd be you know,
I'd have all sorts of money.
Oh, then I started workingafter hour clubs and I had a lot
(14:50):
of money and I was aroundpeople with a lot of money and
I'd show up in Rolls Royces andsay, you know, throw down
Christmas presents and leave,you know that guy.
And uh and uh and you know itwas just a wildlife in the those
early, those first few years ofthe eighties in New York city
(15:11):
and um and uh.
So towards the end I got sickand um, and I had gallbladder
disease and they had to take itout.
And uh, and the doctor lookedat me afterwards and said hey,
listen, I've been in there Likehe eyeballed me.
Hey, listen, I've been in thereLike he eyeballed me.
He's like I've been in thereand I'm telling you you have the
(15:32):
insides of like a 45-year-oldchronic alcoholic, you have
cirrhosis and you're in trouble.
And I was like thanks, doc, Ididn't really want to hear it,
but of course I never forget it,right, I can see his eyes, you
know, and you never forgetsomebody saying that to you.
I didn't get sober right away orget clean.
(15:53):
I actually had an eight ball ofcocaine under my pillow when he
said that to me and I was notgoing to stop using.
And my boyfriend, the mafia guy, he hated hospitals so he would
send me food and cocaine in thehospital.
And uh, and the nurses werelike my, you're up fast, you
(16:14):
know.
Okay, yeah, well, I'm doingpretty good, um so, and then my,
you know, my parent, my family,showed up, of course, for that
and, um, I actually have a veryclose family.
I was the one that was, youknow, pushing them all away and
I and they hoped this was theend, and it was.
(16:36):
It was close, but a few monthslater I finally I well, no, not
a few months, it was only a fewweeks later.
A few weeks later, I took myfirst drink again, and that, you
know, and it was there's thissaying of, you know, you have a
head full of recovery and abelly full of booze.
(16:57):
Doesn't really work, right,right.
So I'm in this restaurant thatI just happened to stop by, you
know, to say hello to the girlsand I and they were offering me
drink, and I heard myself sayit's the first drink that gets
you drunk, and I was like, oh,shut up, you know, like, don't,
(17:18):
don't say that, you know, and uh, but I knew it really was and
that, and even though I had beendoing some drugs during that
period since the surgery, thedrink was always the thing that
sent me into like chaos, youknow what I mean.
It was always the thing thatsent me over the edge and uh,
and so I drank and I went onlike a two-week bender that I
don't really remember much about, um, except for at the end, uh,
(17:41):
I got beat up very badly and umand I, um, and I was coming
home in a stolen car with stolencredit cards and all this, you
know, coming back from a tripwith that roommate and she is
the one who had beat me up, butI had also had an altercation a
few days before that and then wehad gotten to a terrible
(18:04):
altercation.
I was driving down the West sidehighway back to Manhattan and
and I had this realization thatI, my life was completely
unmanageable and I was nevergoing to find any harmony and
this was going to be like youknow, this was going to be my
life.
And and I drove to my parents'house instead of my house and I
(18:27):
said to my father, I think thisis it, and he was like, oh,
thank god.
And and like he was sober nowconsistently nine years.
And um and uh, and I went to ameeting and I walked into this
meeting and I contacted a womanthat I had known.
So I also, throughout this, Ihad this theater company and so
(18:47):
I, at the theater company, I'dsort of surrounded myself with a
lot of actors that were in theprogram that were sober, you
know.
So, um, so I called this onewoman and said um, who I used to
pretend was my sponsor,although I never actually asked
her that and uh, and I went toher and, um, and she met me at
this meeting, at this place, andum, and she went to hug me and
(19:09):
I flinched, you know, cause Iwas.
So now I was so entrenched in,like all this other crazy I
carried a gun, like it was justsilly, silly stuff that I was
entrenched in.
So, um, but she loved me untilI could love myself, and so did
a few other people that came to,you know, came to be my angels,
(19:30):
and I actually went to a rehaba few months later because I was
having a very hard time stayingsober and staying away from my
life.
And then there I met a realangel who helped me a tremendous
amount for many, many years andand and I surrendered, you know
(19:52):
, and I knew this the jig was up, like I wasn't going to be able
to do this any longer.
I could not sustain the type of.
By then I was also a full onfreebase addict and I, you know,
there was no way I could.
I was not going to sustain this.
So, um, so I came in and I, I,I, I put everything down and I
detoxed at my parents' house and, um, my mother's a nurse and
(20:14):
she was very loving about it.
She was, um and uh, a detoxthere.
It took a while, took a littlewhile, a couple of weeks, and um
, and then, you know, Ientrenched myself in recovery
and everything I could soak upabout it.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Okay, so, and that was at 21?
.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
That was 21.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
And that was, and you had.
You never drank again or diddrugs for 42 years.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
No, yeah, that's incredible.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
You know you talked about a couple, couple things.
I just wanted to pause for asecond and you said something
really important.
You know you were, you werealcoholic, but you did drugs as
well.
But alcohol was your, your truechoice.
And you know I, I heardsomebody say once well, I do
drugs, I don't drink, so whycan't I drink?
(21:03):
And I and I remember telling himI said, because you know,
picture this.
You know you're sitting there,you have a couple of beers, you
know you get a buzz or you startfeeling a little different,
maybe not that night, buteventually you're going to go
look for your true drug ofchoice, so it'll just bring you
back.
So complete abstinence alwaysmade so much sense to me.
(21:26):
Because of that, because Iheard that from somewhere,
because we always hear thingsfrom somewhere else, and you
walking into the rooms at 18wasn't for nothing, whether
that's where you heard, you knowwhat I mean a belly full of
booze and a head full ofrecovery that stopped you in
(21:47):
your tracks one day, or you knowit's all not for nothing.
You know, when you have these,of course relapse isn't required
, you know, and it could beessentially fatal yeah and it
could be fatal, but it doeshappen and the small snippets
and the people that you meetalong the way while you're
trying are sometimes just asimportant as the ones that that
(22:09):
save you meet along the waywhile you're trying are
sometimes just as important asthe ones that save you once you
get in, you know.
So, really interesting story andlife.
You know that you led up untilthat point and so grateful that
today you share your 42ndanniversary here with us.
And so what did it look likefor you?
(22:29):
Your sobriety from at 21 on.
What do you think made you stay?
What was the true thing thatmade you stay?
Speaker 2 (22:38):
the work, the work made me stay.
The work was interesting to me.
Well, I had always been aseeker, you know, I'd always
been a spiritual seeker too, andso the work made me stay.
I mean, once I really gotthrough some of the work and got
to have a new experience withthe divine spirit that lives
(23:03):
within me and I'm a part of, andwe're all part of from me, um,
I, I, I began to meditate and Ibegan to, um, you know, once I
got to that and then once Ibegan to give it away, really
that sort of became my next drugof choice.
In a way, you know, like I, I,to this day, there's nothing
better for me than to watch thelight come on in somebody's eyes
(23:26):
and to help them through this,you know, through recovery.
There's nothing, there'snothing more exciting to me.
Not just a couple of weeks ago,my, my best friend and I were.
I had this girl who wascompletely, you know, resistant,
doesn't know, you know, and andwe started two-timing her, you
know, and by the end she wascrying and like I'm alcoholic,
(23:49):
and we were like, yay, you know,I walked away feeling so great.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
You know I still love it.
It's interesting when peopleshare their, their like worst
moments.
When you're in a good spot andyou're listening, you know that
that's going to be their realturning point, you know.
And so like we talk about thework, but like you really have
to change everything, you knowyou change it all.
You have like an internalreorganization.
(24:12):
So what are some of the thingsthat you know you let go of, or
how did you make some changesearly on that helped you stay?
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah, early on I had a hard time letting go of the
life I had been in.
It was kind of a big life withall those people, but I managed
to let that go finally, and thattook me kind of about a year
and a half to let him go reallyit's the hymn of that.
But it was a whole lifestyleand so it took me a little while
(24:43):
to let that go.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Let's take a moment to hear a recovery story from
one of my sponsors.
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(25:04):
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(25:27):
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Visit wwwsoberlinkcom backslashsober dash living and check out
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Now back to our guest.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Letting go of everything I thought I know.
So, first of all, like lettinggo of thinking I was totally
unique, that there was anythingunique about my situation, like
the when I became, um, a gardenvariety alcoholic.
It would change the whole, thewhole landscape of recovery for
me, because then I was just anaverage joe in this deal and and
(26:05):
that makes a big difference.
And I think, when you and thenI did, and then I think, once
you, when I crossed thethreshold from being a taker to
a giver, that's the other, youknow, that's the other major
threshold.
And until you know, I mean I'vebeen around a long time and I
can see people that don't I meanI know people that are long
(26:27):
time that never crossed thatthreshold.
They might not have drank, butthey never crossed that
threshold and and it's like youknow, they seem sadder than I am
.
You know, and I have a purpose.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
You had used the term terminal uniqueness you know, I
think before pre-record.
Could you explain that a littlebit, cause that is so true what
you just said, and it brings alot of relief.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Yeah, so that terminal uniqueness is going to
like, if I keep thinking I'munique, it will kill me.
I will never be part of thewhole, I will never be.
You know, even when I think oflike the divine spirit for me,
like that is so I'm not uniquein that, that everybody, we're
(27:18):
all connected.
This is my philosophy and sowhen I'm unique, I'm just, then
I can't connect with you, andeverything about recovery is
about connecting.
You know, because we're soisolated, we're so I liked to be
isolated.
I like to not tell you I wasfull of secrets.
I was full of.
You know, I was never going tobe an open book, and I'm an open
book now, but before I was,that was going to kill me.
You know, that would have sentme back out there if I had
(27:39):
stayed that unique and and itwas and it was.
I think of this one moment in ameeting on the West Side at the
YMCA, and I had been saying Iwas in my early recovery and I
was saying that I was.
You used to have to count untilyou were like 90 days right,
(28:01):
and I would say, you know, 32days back, 42 days back, 32 days
back, 42 days back, and thiswell, he's.
He's deceased now, but um is.
Peter cornered me afterwardsand said um, you know, I'm a
little tired of that little likeF you at every morning.
You need to.
You need to let go of that backLike and and when I go with the
(28:24):
back thing.
That was changed some of thetrajectory to that.
Oh, that was like the beginningof breaking down that
uniqueness.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Like all that that's so good, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
Because I know, like now, lately I'm taking taking
courses to be a practitioner andI and I had to go into this and
I've had years of you know,seeking and years of learning
and stuff, and I have to go intoit with what I, you know, what
we refer to as the set asideprayer set aside everything I
think I know and help me have anew experience.
You know, and when I can dothat and set aside everything I
(29:00):
think I know and have a newexperience here, I, you know,
I'm open to all sorts ofpossibilities.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I love that, like it's great, and thank God for
those one liners that peoplethrow at us, you know, who have
that are very direct, that makeyou change something.
You know, I remember I wastalking once and and somebody
who had a you know way, way moretime than me and he was very,
(29:27):
you know, he was real stern,strong man.
He pulled me aside and said youknow, you have a really
powerful message, but you cursed, so and every time you know
which people curse and that'sfine.
But he said you know, we're notevery time you did that.
It took me about 10 minutes toget back, so I missed some of
your story.
He said we're not really doingthat here and I was like wow,
(29:50):
okay, and I made the adjustment,you know, and um, but you know
you couldn't have told me thatthe first five, seven years I
would have I would have heldvery tightly to my, my F's and
my, you know, but you know theyjust they help you become a
better person in the world Right, absolutely, and I'll take it.
(30:11):
I'll.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
take it too, I'll take it and I'm happy to pass it
on and do what I can to be ofservice.
And that became the deal for meand I stayed in New York for
the first seven years and thenabout the first seven years I
was sober I did, um, a lot of,you know, a lot of service work
(30:34):
and a lot of a lot of stuffaround the young people thing.
I got very involved in that andum, and I got very involved in
going to all these um, uhconferences all around the
Northeast and stuff and uh, andit was fun and I had a lot of
fun and uh, conferences allaround the Northeast and stuff
and uh, and it was fun and I hada lot of fun and uh.
But then also the other thing Iwas very into was traveling and
so I would come back fromtraveling to Manhattan and I'd
(30:55):
be like I don't know if I wantto live this life anymore, and
uh.
And then I decided to move outto California and um, and that
was a whole other, a whole otherjourney.
And then a little while afterthat I met my oh no, I got
pregnant and my husband.
I didn't do it in the orderwhat people supposed to Um and
um and then had a couple ofchildren, you know, and uh, but
(31:19):
even, and then here and I landedin.
I live in Carlsbad, california.
I landed in a really nice uh,and I'm really happy about that.
And you know, even when I hadmy children, you know, it's
harder to get out there.
So my husband and I committedto we had this great house that
(31:40):
we committed to having theparties for everybody's
anniversary, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Oh, that's great.
I would do that for years youknow, oh, that's great, I would
do that for years.
So you grew up true east coast,new York girl, for sure from
your story, yeah, and but I'mnot surprised that you ended up
on the west coast.
I know a couple people who grewup in New York City.
Absolutely love, love New York,and then their other choices,
(32:05):
california, you know from coastto coast.
So it's really interesting andI'm glad that community is so
very important, isn't it?
When we talk?
Speaker 2 (32:15):
about this.
Yeah, community is everythingConnection, and community is
everything you know you have to.
And when I of course, when Ifirst got here I didn't like the
way they did anything here, butI was lucky that a guy I knew
in New York had moved to this.
Well, first I was going to livein LA and then I had actually
some terrible experiences in LAand I came down here and and I
(32:42):
and because this friend of minefrom New York had lived here and
so and he already kind of had acommunity, so it was great,
like I just kind of piggybackedinto his community and um, and
I'm still friends with most ofthose people now that still live
here and and and that was great.
And um, and then havingchildren in the program is
interesting too.
So I didn't have.
I had my first child when I was10 years, sober.
(33:03):
At two I have a girl and a boyand um and I and I just lost my
train of thought, but I had twochildren and um and uh and um,
oh, I know what I was gonna say,but and like, with that I, I
was 10 years sober, so I didn'twant to um, uh, they did not
(33:27):
know I was alcoholic until theywere much older.
And uh, and I didn't want to,and and they I didn't want my
five-year-old raising their handin kindergarten saying my mom's
an alcoholic.
They don't know how todifferentiate that stuff right.
And I'm in this unique positionwhere they never saw me I was
(33:49):
not using drinking in theirpresence, so they never knew
that until later when their dadand I divorced and he began to
use again and they were likewhat is happening?
And then I had to explain that.
Ok, I sat them down, they werelike eight or something like
(34:18):
that and I said hey, listen,dad's an alcoholic, uh, I'm an
alcoholic and it's a disease.
Your father's caught up in itright now.
He's a good man, he's not.
This is not a you know, it'snot a moral issue, it's not like
anything, but it's, you know,it's.
Well, you know, those are theexact words my mother told me
one time.
She said it's a moral issue,it's a, uh, it's a disease.
And that was pretty progressivefor like back in yeah, but so
(34:42):
very true, yeah, my mother waspretty progressive actually.
I mean mostly when she said thatto me I thought I thought you
didn't like dad, no, but uh butshe was very kind of it.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Yeah, that's the kind .
Yeah, she was super kind abouthis disease.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
She really did get that and uh, and that was that
was a blessing for me, becauseit was always framed as a
disease like that for me that itwas.
Speaker 1 (35:04):
So I always feel like I came by my disease honestly,
you know, like there's it's sohereditary for me and um so yeah
, look at that, your mom gaveyou those words and then you
were giving those very samewords to your children to
explain.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Yeah, can you?
Speaker 1 (35:23):
speak a little bit to how alcoholism and addictions
of family disease yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
So you know, um, I I really do think it's hereditary.
But then also the behaviorsaround that are.
You know, codependency and youknow the, the lies and the
secrets and you know everyalcoholic family has those, you
know.
You know like we looked greaton the outside, the eight of us,
(35:50):
you know what I mean, the six.
We looked good on the outside,but what was happening in that
household was a whole otherstory.
Good on the outside, but whatwas happening in that household
was a whole other story.
You know what I mean.
And there was all the you knowblaming and shaming and lying
and secrets and all that stuff.
That.
That, that whether you turn outlike out of the six of us,
whether you turn out to bealcoholic or not, you still are
(36:11):
damaged from all that stuff.
You know what I mean.
And uh, and so, as I was duly,you know, when I first went into
Al-Anon I was only like threeyears sober and um, and I was
still very um, enmeshed with myparents and uh, and I mean you
know my mother and I kind ofbeen in business together.
(36:32):
You know she was like kind of amanager.
There was just all all thisstuff, right and so, but but
mostly by the secrets of ourhousehold.
You know, you get very, youknow there's this, this
solidarity about those secretsand you're not going to let
anybody know what's reallyhappening in this household.
And the biggest one in my familywas my father's always
(36:54):
homosexual right and is a gayguy, and I didn't know that.
But once I did know it I waslike God, that makes so much
sense, you know, but but but hewas so they had all these
secrets, you know, and I thinklike alcohol isn't just breeds,
all of that.
So then the whole family isdistorted and nobody gets,
(37:16):
nobody really gets to tell thetruth to each other and nobody,
everybody's siloed off and youfeel isolated and confused.
You know as a child and then asan adult even.
You know.
Until you start to get thoseyou know, straighten out some of
that stuff and take a bullseyeand look at it.
Speaker 1 (37:35):
You know, and um, so so, yeah, I know that you had
said you went into Al-Anon andyou know, sometimes, as you
progress and in an alcohol-freelife, you know you start to you
live your life, you get yourhealth back, you get well.
But you know, like you spokeabout the behaviors, you know,
and so there's always more,whether you're alcoholic or not,
(37:57):
to you know, revealing who youare and how you can live better.
How do you think um Al-Anon andlooking at those things has
enhanced your life?
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Oh, majorly.
I think I was in therapy atthat point and um and.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
I?
You talk about the secrets andstuff, but how did you break
from that?
Like?
How, what are some of thethings that it brought you
freedom from?
Like, how do you live differentbecause of it?
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Yeah, well, I definitely live different as an
open book.
You know, like the time Irealized I had all this
enmeshment, you know, like thatI was there's so many classic
things in alcoholic families youknow, like that triangulation,
(38:47):
you know, like I'm going to tellher so she can tell him and
then we'll figure this.
You know, instead of thisdirect communication and the
family, you know, and, uh, allthat, and I was chasing men all
the time, like I had no ideathat I had a problem with a
daddy issue, for instance.
You know that I, I was, um,constantly chasing older men and
(39:07):
uh, and you know, and, and onceI realized I had some issues
with my father, I was lucky thatmy father by now had also
gained some real recovery and wecould sit down and talk about
it, but together actually, anduh, and but I, you know, prior
to that I didn't, I didn't knowany, I just knew that I didn't
(39:30):
know how to be direct with inrelationships.
You know, when you got into arelationship with anybody,
whether it be man or woman orwhatever, I didn't know what
intimacy was a relationship withanybody, whether it be man or
woman or whatever.
I didn't know what intimacy was.
I couldn't, I had neverexperienced it.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And I also so, looking at that, you go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
So, looking at that, you know that awareness or that
you didn't even realize you hadissues with with dad right.
So having having that awarenessand then looking at it squarely
changes every relationship youhave after that into something.
Every single one.
So it's life changing.
It's life changing.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Every single one?
Yeah, absolutely.
And I often say I wasemotionally illiterate.
You know, for years, my firstseveral years that I got here,
and it took me a long time toget to, to even be in touch with
my feelings.
You know what I mean Likemeditation did that for me,
because I mean meditation is abig part of the element to the
(40:26):
growth in emotional growth,because I had to stop.
You know, I remember, like thefirst time I was in a meditation
class and, uh, and I said tothe teacher, who turned out to
be one of my best friends formany, many years.
I said to her I think of ourcross purposes here, because
everybody here seems to wantsome sort of out of body
(40:47):
experience and I need to be inmy body.
I don't think I've ever been inmy body.
And she was like, oh no,sweetheart, you're in the right
place.
And I began to meditate and bein my body and have a conscious
contact with the power greaterthan myself, instead of being
unconscious about my whole lifeand just react reactionary
(41:08):
rather than conscious andresponsive.
You know, and so, and then Ibegan to have an emotional life
that I was aware of and I couldparticipate in and I could
exchange with other human beingsin my life that that that was,
that was untouchable territoryfor me.
Had I been still using, had Ibeen unaware, you know, had I
(41:29):
not been working on recovery andtrying to move forward you know
Well what a gift.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
I mean how much more meaning you have in your life
now because of that.
I mean just putting that down.
The coping mechanisms are down,you're just living your life
like wide open and yeah, it'sreally, really something.
So what did the latter part oflike the sobriety look like as
you evolve into out of earlysobriety and into, like you know
(41:59):
, getting back into your lifeLike how did how was that
enhanced by, by your recovery?
Yeah so actually, and yeah,right I was like.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
So it seemed like everything I did, uh, you know,
I could just do it so muchbetter.
You know, I got a regular job,you know, and started working in
the back.
Then it was in like the printindustry.
One of my sisters got me agreat job and you know
everything I did.
I became the manager or thesupervisor or whatever you know,
(42:31):
or the VP, whatever you know.
And so because actually when Ihad that theater company, I
realized that I had a head forbusiness.
I stopped acting and I I ranthat theater company and I ran
it beautifully and we startedmaking money and we you know it
still exists actually, but, um,but.
So I loved the business side ofthings and then I loved bringing
(42:55):
the principles I was learninginto that, you know, and, and
and everything I still to thisday, everything I do, whether
whatever the profession I'vebeen in and I've had a few now
but I'm there to be of service,you know, and and when I bring
that attitude into whatever I do, whether it's sales you know,
(43:16):
I've done some sales here andthere or you know, I one of the
longest careers I've had in myadult life was as a corporate
meeting planner and eventplanner, and, and you know I
loved that and I always bringthat sense of service, you know,
into whatever I do.
(43:36):
So, um, so that makes life somuch easier.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
What is that?
Is your theater company stillin existence or yeah, the Colony
Theater Company.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
I'm actually not sure who runs it now, but it's on um
.
It was out of the AmericanTheater of Actors on uh, 54th
West 54th Street.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
You talked a lot about altruism and you know
you're helping others.
You just loved it because Ithink that really, really helps
us.
You know to get outside ofyourself is such a benefit
because you're just.
You could sit there in yourproblem or you could turn your
attention to someone you couldhelp.
And how has that?
How has that changed yourrecovery?
(44:17):
By always being available topeople.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Yeah, well, I mean, you're doing it right now with
this whole thing.
This is a great performance,you know, really, and you know
it takes me out of myself.
I mean, yesterday I had likesomething kind of a first time
thing ever happened to meyesterday morning and a
relationship to my daughter whois out there, and and it was a
(44:46):
little traumatic in the morning,you know, and by the afternoon
I called a few people and Icalled the girl I sponsored.
I called, you know, I justcalled a few people and by the
time and then I got to work andsomeone was having a hard time
with the whole project and Ijust dove into it, as you know,
to be of service, and the nextthing I knew it was 4 o'clock
(45:09):
and I hadn't thought about whathappened in the morning you know
what I mean and I had processedit and I hadn't done anything.
I wanted to react to some ofwhat had happened and I didn't
react to it.
I said I'm going to set asidemy reaction and see how I feel
later today, and to have thatkind of be able to do that is so
much, so much healthier for methan you know, sure, for anyone.
(45:33):
Now, you know, because I meanagain, having raised to, my kids
are 33 and are about to be 33and 28.
Oh, no, 32 and 28, 29, whatever.
And they, you know, they stillhad an alcoholic mother.
You know I'm not perfect, youknow what I mean.
(45:57):
Just, sobriety doesn't meanthat I am, that I did everything
right.
You know what I mean, justbecause I raised them as a sober
person.
I'm S, I still had my familyhistory, I still had my old
ideas.
I, you know, because once youthen get into a whole other
phase of your life, so here I amas a parent, oh my gosh, I
don't want to do what my parentsdid.
I want to have a different, Iwant to be a different type of
(46:20):
parent.
And now, like you know, for me,I look back and some of it I
went.
I went maybe to the otherextreme, you know.
Or I, you know, I had a coupleof years where I was like a
helicopter mom or, you know, Itry not to be.
You know what my mother was soaloof and I didn't want to be
aloof.
And you know, trying to teachthem emotional, you know, trying
(46:44):
to teach them about theiremotions, and you know, and I
mean actually some of thatworked very well, they tell me.
But but you know, or we weremeditating, you know, I had the
meditating as young kids and uh,you know stuff like that.
But, um, you know, but younever know.
Like, out of my two children,one is definitely right now a
(47:05):
current full-on alcoholic drugaddict, with some, also some
mental health issues, and uh,and she's out there, you know,
and, um, and what, what myrecovery has given me is that I
get that I'm not responsible forthat, you know, and no matter
how much she wants to tell me, Iam just like I want to tell my
parents that they were too.
(47:25):
When I first got here, you knowI was, I was a victim too when
I first got sober, you know, andand so.
But I get that it's not my,it's not my responsibility.
And I also get that God doesn'thave grandchildren.
You know she's got her ownhigher power.
She's got her own.
You know she came into thisworld for her own reasons and
via me.
Yes, but doesn't, doesn't makeme responsible, right?
(47:48):
So I mean now, of course, youknow, when you're a parent,
you're responsible when they'relittle, but you, um, you know, I
, I didn't create her disease.
I can't cure it and I can'tcontrol it, you know, and um,
just like nobody could with me.
And so until she has her moment, I don't know when that
moment's going to be you know,but um, I can't pass on my
(48:10):
recovery.
You know it doesn't get it byosmosis, you know um, it's just
the way it is.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
you know the pre-recording we were talking
about my sobriety doesn'tprotect my children from this
disease.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
Yeah, and she actually had four years of
recovery at one time and it waslovely, you know, it was lovely
to watch and lovely to be a partof.
And you know, yeah, yeah, andwe will someday.
I mean, I, I always have hope,I always have hope, always.
You know, um and uh, and my sonon the other, you know, doesn't
seem to have this.
(48:46):
You know, my son has a strongal-anon program.
It's so hysterical it cracks meup like he doesn't even know it
, but he just speaks like it.
You know, like that's not myproblem, mom.
Speaker 1 (49:04):
You're right, it's not Good for you.
You're right, it's not.
So if there's one thing youcould tell people, listeners who
, um, who are struggling, um,who want to get, get here and
stay as long as you've stayed,what would it be?
Speaker 2 (49:16):
Connect with somebody .
Just connect with somebodywho's been I don't care if they
have a day longer than you, Idon't care what you know but
like, connect with somebody thatyou um, that you can do this
with, you know, um, andhopefully you also connect with
some sort of power greater thanyourself that can help you too,
you know.
But um, connection is the key.
(49:37):
Isolation will kill you.
You know, I was the kind thatcould isolate in a room full of
a hundred person.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
A hundred people, you know and you don't have to do
that anymore.
You don't have to do that.
You know the delay, the delayof asking for help can be, can
be years, so just do it, youknow you just do it open your
mouth, do it.
Speaker 2 (49:55):
Do it Because there's so much out there that can help
you so many people.
So where can listeners find youas we wrap up?
If they want to connect withyou during the week?
Best place is Instagram.
I think I'm on there the mostwhere I can talk to people or
whatever.
Speaker 1 (50:10):
What is your Instagram account?
Name Amy.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
C.113.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
account name Amy C.113.
Okay, amy C.113 on Instagram isthe best way to follow and
connect with Amy.
You know I'm also going to putall that in the show notes, so
you just go down there and clickon her Facebook, linkedin and
Instagram and thank you so muchfor sharing your wisdom, your
story and for celebrating your42nd year anniversary here on
Sober Living Stories podcast.
(50:43):
I really appreciate it and Ienjoyed having you as a guest on
the show.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
Thank you, I enjoyed being here.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (50:57):
Thank you for tuning into the Sober Living Stories
podcast.
If you have been inspired,consider subscribing and sharing
with anyone who could use hopein their lives.
Remember to stay tuned for moreinspiring stories in the
episodes to come.
To view our featured author ofthe month or to become a guest
yourself, visitwwwjessicastepanoviccom.
Getting sober at the young age of 21 years old in New
York City.
Meet my next guest, amyColleton.
She was a childhood actor whostarted her own theater company.
She had a lifelong lived on theEast Coast and she shares her
42nd year sober anniversary withus today on the Sober Living
(00:21):
Stories podcast.
So tune in.
She has a colorful story thattalks about her wildlife in New
York City and then she goes intoher sobriety and how it had
taken hold and changed her life.
She also touches on familyalcoholism as a generational
component.
It's going to be a funconversation filled with
(00:41):
insights about long-termsobriety.
Welcome to the Sober LivingStories podcast.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing stories of sobriety.
We shine a spotlight onindividuals who have faced the
challenges of alcoholism andaddiction and are today living
(01:04):
out their best lives sober.
Each guest has experiencedincredible transformation and
are here to share their storywith you.
I'm Jessica Stepanovic, yourhost.
Join me each week as guestsfrom all walks of life share
their stories to inspire andprovide hope to those who need
it most.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Sober Living Stories podcast
(01:43):
.
Today, my guest is Amy Colleton.
She got sober when she wasyoung, with 21 years, in New
York City.
She has a few perspectives onsober life, and she reminds us
also about the disease ofalcoholism being a family one
and that her sobriety doesn'tprotect her children or any
other family member from thisdisease.
(02:05):
She has insights from herpersonal story and we're just
going to dive in and let hertell it, and today's actually a
special day for you.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Yes, it is.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Welcome to the show.
Thank you, welcome to the show,amy.
Speaker 2 (02:18):
Oh, thank you so much .
It's a pleasure to be here.
Thank you for having me.
I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
So today is your 42 year anniversary of long-term
sobriety.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
Yes, 42 years sober.
It's kind of nuts I like.
You know.
It's twice as long as I wasalive when I got here, but
that's okay.
You know, if you stay, youdon't drink and you stay alive.
You're, you end up with 42years Wow.
Speaker 1 (02:45):
So, yeah, so I'm really interested to get into
this and to hear your personalstory.
I know that you were brought upin 12-step meetings and
environment and that was yourroad to recovery, as was my own,
and yeah, so just share whathappened.
What got you to a point thatyou said, yeah, this is
(03:05):
problematic, and then youdecided to make a change and
walk us through it.
Speaker 2 (03:09):
Sure, yes, I did grow up around.
My father was alcoholic and hedied about eight years ago with
about 43 years of sobriety, Ithink he was, and so he was nine
years sober when I got soberand had been in and out of AA
longer than that.
And I went to Alateen as ateenager and you know, in
(03:34):
Alateen there's like two kindsof kids, you know, the ones that
are in the back getting highand the ones that are trying to
help them.
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Wow, I was kind of both.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
I was a little of both and um, but uh, yeah, so I
and I also I grew up aprofessional actor kid, so, um,
I, I kind of uh, that was one ofthose things that you know.
I think most people that havethis disease have that some
something that they latch on to,that.
That's that terminal uniquenessthing about them, you know, and
(04:08):
mine was that I was aprofessional kid on tv all the
time and I wasn't um, you know,and I couldn't really trust
anybody, you know but, but itreally uh, I, you, I had seen my
father.
Actually, my father was aperiodic, which is an
interesting thing, you know wedon't talk about periodics as
(04:31):
much anymore but he was the guywho could like not drink for
many months and then go on abender, not drink, go on a
bender, and then he finally got.
So I didn't see a lot of myfather's drinking, but I saw my
mother's reaction, which was,you know, my mother was a very
I'm one of six kids from NewYork and Long Island, rockville
(04:53):
Center specific and, and youknow, my mother had a lot going
on.
So, and she was, she was verywhat I see today, very strong
Al-Anon disease.
You know, her codependency wasreally intense and um, and then
by the time I started drinking,I was young, I was only like 11
(05:14):
years old when I starteddrinking and, um, and I loved it
.
The first time I drank, youknow, I was like, oh, this is it
.
And now I also saw my brothersand sisters.
I'm the youngest of those six.
I saw them, a lot of thempartying, lots of partying.
We were, um, I could say, oh,like the fun and dysfunctional.
We were a super fun family.
(05:35):
We still are, you know, most ofus just don't drink anymore.
So that's a good thing.
And now, yeah, so by the time Iwas, I went into Manhattan and
went to the high schoolperforming arts and I started a
theater company right out ofthere and by then my drinking
(05:56):
was totally out of hand.
My drinking was out of hand allthrough high school.
Um, and I was the kind of I.
I knew I probably hadalcoholism.
I knew I was going to be one ofthem out of my family, but I
thought that that meant that ifI knew it internally, like
secretly, that, uh, I could beatit.
(06:16):
You know what I mean, that Iwas, I had on all the other
idiots who didn't know they hadit.
You know, right, right, and um,but I, the first time I came
into AA, actually I was 18 andum, one of my brothers was sober
in AA and we got into aterrible argument and, um, he
(06:37):
called me an alcoholic and Isaid and all of a sudden I
confessed that I was, and, uh,and I went to a meeting that
night and uh, you know, that'sthat power of like, he was
trying to help me, even thoughhe was my least favorite sibling
, and he was trying to help meand I went to a meeting that
night and I didn't like it atall.
(06:57):
I was not happy because A mybrother was in the other room
and so was my father, and Ireally didn't want any part of
that legacy at that point.
And so I, but I managed to staysober because for a while,
because I I think what it waswas you know, I didn't know
anything really about myself,but that seemed to be
(07:19):
interesting to other people thatI was an alcoholic and at such
a young age and there was likenobody else in the program, like
really back that was so thatwas like 1978.
And there were not a lot ofyoung people yet, it just was
yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
And pre-record you said that 18 was actually the
drinking age in New York City,which is a 21 today.
Speaker 2 (07:42):
It's 21 today, yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Presently.
Yeah, so you were actuallywalking in to get sober when
people were just starting to goout and drink, which must've
been kind of difficult.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah, yeah, it was yeah, but, um, but there, there
wasn't a friend of mine thatsaid oh, no, right Right.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
So, just to just to back up a up a little because
it's it may be interesting tolisteners, because you know you
see a lot in the news right now.
You had mentioned you werechildhood actor.
Um, what were some of thethings that you were on and also
like that, I see a lot of thatand how you know you talked
about the trust and how it's notthere and it seemed to go hand
(08:25):
in hand with like addictionsometimes in the news and stuff.
Why is that and could you talka little to that?
Speaker 2 (08:32):
Yeah, so that trusting was just when I think
you were young, hmm.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
Because you were young and in a professional
environment.
Yeah, well, actually in theprofessional environment.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
Yeah Well, actually in the professional environment,
I loved the professionalenvironment I did about.
I did a lot of TV commercialsand I did a soap opera for a
while and I did a lot of printwork and I worked a lot as a kid
and um, as, and mostly incommercials, but, um, but I
worked a lot and um, and I lovedmy professional environment.
(09:05):
It was, it was other kids andfamily, you know like, even
actually my family, my olderbrothers and sisters, you know,
were didn't want me to get a bighead and they would like turn
off the TV if the commercialcame on, or, you know, or then
I'd walk on the school bus andpeople would, people would make
fun of me, kind of, you know,and I.
(09:27):
So that that created this senseof, like, isolation for me and
lack of trust, you know.
Or there was the girls thatwanted to be my friends so they
could come with me on a shoot,or, you know, like you know, and
and because of some of thepeople I knew, and and that kind
of thing.
So it was, it was yeah, and,and you know, like I said, I
(09:50):
mean, we all have something thatmakes us feel more unique, but
that trust factor I didn't trustand my, my home environment was
not really that safe either.
I had that same brother that Iactually admitted I was
alcoholic to was somebody thatwas very abusive to me
throughout my younger life, andso I and the fact that he was
(10:11):
getting and everybody knew hewas an alcoholic too, you know,
you could, really he wassomebody that was obvious as
well as it was with me.
But I I I didn't have very safeplaces, you know they weren't
like home.
Actually, really, the most safeplace was on set when I was at
(10:31):
home.
It wasn't really that safe, butI just didn't trust what people
felt about my you know, thatbig shot-ism, you know I didn't
have that.
Really I felt I loved what Idid and I didn't care what you
really thought.
But but that everybody wasalways saying don't be such a
big shot and I'm like I don'tthink I am, but okay.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Right, okay, yeah, makes sense, makes sense.
Yeah, so take us to 18.
When you walked in, I mean, didthat stick or did you have a
little in and out?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
I had some in and out , it didn't really well.
No, it stuck for about maybe ayear or so, but also back then,
in the recovery programs I wasdoing, you were not allowed to
talk about drugs, so I didn't,and I did them.
(11:29):
So I was an actress.
I was an actress, therefore Iwas a waitress, and so I I hung
out with all my girls that Iworked with and we would go out
partying in Manhattan and youknow, and I didn't drink, didn't
drink, but I did some otherrecreational stuff, and so that
became that.
That ended up becoming a biggerproblem, of course, and and
then, and then, finally, I drank.
(11:50):
You know, I walked into a, Iwalked into a bar on the Upper
East Side, and this is silly,but it's my story.
I always had, um, fascinationwith the mob, right.
So I walk into this restaurantand there's all these mobsters
in the back sitting there andI'm like, oh honey, I'm home and
(12:16):
like, within two weeks or less,I don't know, I was working
there, you know, and, um, I quitmy other job with my other,
really good job and and startedworking at this place and it was
full of mobsters and sportsfigures and and I, yeah, and
then that started a life for afew years with those, the mob,
(12:41):
the mob and within about six.
And then then I thought that'swhen I drank.
I was working there when Ipicked up my well, actually I
went across the street to a guyhad 12 step.
Um, I had tried helped get soberright and I he was a bartender
across the street and um, so Iliked that.
I liked the part of like, oh,you think it's interesting that
(13:02):
I'm alcoholic and I likedhelping people.
So you know, like I wanted toget people sober, so I went.
But I went over and tommy was abartender across the street and
I said, um, I give me a shot, adouble shot, of jack daniels,
I've done with this, no drinkingthing.
And uh, and we both took adrink and um, that was it for me
(13:26):
for the for the next two and ahalf years or whatever it went
until I came into the program.
And uh and um, and then it was,then it was, and then I was
with that crowd and that was awhole other like craziness, you
know.
And uh, I left there and um, uh, the owner of that place, that
(13:46):
partnership broke up.
He opened up another place andand I went with him and I moved
into the apartment upstairs andand that woman had a boyfriend
who was in prison but and we andshe had his child and he was
the head of a even kind of worseorganization.
(14:07):
Not that the mafia is not worseenough, but they were these
guys called the westies.
They were kind of a scary crewof um assassins basically on the
in new york, and uh, irish crewand um, that was crazy.
So now I'm involved in all thesepeople and uh, and I'm no
nothing to do with my familyanymore.
(14:28):
They don't.
They're like scared for me,they don't want anything to do
with me.
I would go over it.
My parents lived on the upperWest side and now I lived on the
Upper East side and, um, Iwould barely show up for
anything at this point and uh,and when I did, I'd be you know,
I'd have all sorts of money.
Oh, then I started workingafter hour clubs and I had a lot
(14:50):
of money and I was aroundpeople with a lot of money and
I'd show up in Rolls Royces andsay, you know, throw down
Christmas presents and leave,you know that guy.
And uh and uh and you know itwas just a wildlife in the those
early, those first few years ofthe eighties in New York city
(15:11):
and um and uh.
So towards the end I got sickand um, and I had gallbladder
disease and they had to take itout.
And uh, and the doctor lookedat me afterwards and said hey,
listen, I've been in there Likehe eyeballed me.
Hey, listen, I've been in thereLike he eyeballed me.
He's like I've been in thereand I'm telling you you have the
(15:32):
insides of like a 45-year-oldchronic alcoholic, you have
cirrhosis and you're in trouble.
And I was like thanks, doc, Ididn't really want to hear it,
but of course I never forget it,right, I can see his eyes, you
know, and you never forgetsomebody saying that to you.
I didn't get sober right away orget clean.
(15:53):
I actually had an eight ball ofcocaine under my pillow when he
said that to me and I was notgoing to stop using.
And my boyfriend, the mafia guy, he hated hospitals so he would
send me food and cocaine in thehospital.
And uh, and the nurses werelike my, you're up fast, you
(16:14):
know.
Okay, yeah, well, I'm doingpretty good, um so, and then my,
you know, my parent, my family,showed up, of course, for that
and, um, I actually have a veryclose family.
I was the one that was, youknow, pushing them all away and
I and they hoped this was theend, and it was.
(16:36):
It was close, but a few monthslater I finally I well, no, not
a few months, it was only a fewweeks later.
A few weeks later, I took myfirst drink again, and that, you
know, and it was there's thissaying of, you know, you have a
head full of recovery and abelly full of booze.
(16:57):
Doesn't really work, right,right.
So I'm in this restaurant thatI just happened to stop by, you
know, to say hello to the girlsand I and they were offering me
drink, and I heard myself sayit's the first drink that gets
you drunk, and I was like, oh,shut up, you know, like, don't,
(17:18):
don't say that, you know, and uh, but I knew it really was and
that, and even though I had beendoing some drugs during that
period since the surgery, thedrink was always the thing that
sent me into like chaos, youknow what I mean.
It was always the thing thatsent me over the edge and uh,
and so I drank and I went onlike a two-week bender that I
don't really remember much about, um, except for at the end, uh,
(17:41):
I got beat up very badly and umand I, um, and I was coming
home in a stolen car with stolencredit cards and all this, you
know, coming back from a tripwith that roommate and she is
the one who had beat me up, butI had also had an altercation a
few days before that and then wehad gotten to a terrible
(18:04):
altercation.
I was driving down the West sidehighway back to Manhattan and
and I had this realization thatI, my life was completely
unmanageable and I was nevergoing to find any harmony and
this was going to be like youknow, this was going to be my
life.
And and I drove to my parents'house instead of my house and I
(18:27):
said to my father, I think thisis it, and he was like, oh,
thank god.
And and like he was sober nowconsistently nine years.
And um and uh, and I went to ameeting and I walked into this
meeting and I contacted a womanthat I had known.
So I also, throughout this, Ihad this theater company and so
(18:47):
I, at the theater company, I'dsort of surrounded myself with a
lot of actors that were in theprogram that were sober, you
know.
So, um, so I called this onewoman and said um, who I used to
pretend was my sponsor,although I never actually asked
her that and uh, and I went toher and, um, and she met me at
this meeting, at this place, andum, and she went to hug me and
(19:09):
I flinched, you know, cause Iwas.
So now I was so entrenched in,like all this other crazy I
carried a gun, like it was justsilly, silly stuff that I was
entrenched in.
So, um, but she loved me untilI could love myself, and so did
a few other people that came to,you know, came to be my angels,
(19:30):
and I actually went to a rehaba few months later because I was
having a very hard time stayingsober and staying away from my
life.
And then there I met a realangel who helped me a tremendous
amount for many, many years andand and I surrendered, you know
(19:52):
, and I knew this the jig was up, like I wasn't going to be able
to do this any longer.
I could not sustain the type of.
By then I was also a full onfreebase addict and I, you know,
there was no way I could.
I was not going to sustain this.
So, um, so I came in and I, I,I, I put everything down and I
detoxed at my parents' house and, um, my mother's a nurse and
(20:14):
she was very loving about it.
She was, um and uh, a detoxthere.
It took a while, took a littlewhile, a couple of weeks, and um
, and then, you know, Ientrenched myself in recovery
and everything I could soak upabout it.
Speaker 1 (20:28):
Okay, so, and that was at 21?
.
Speaker 2 (20:31):
That was 21.
Speaker 1 (20:32):
And that was, and you had.
You never drank again or diddrugs for 42 years.
Speaker 2 (20:37):
No, yeah, that's incredible.
Speaker 1 (20:42):
You know you talked about a couple, couple things.
I just wanted to pause for asecond and you said something
really important.
You know you were, you werealcoholic, but you did drugs as
well.
But alcohol was your, your truechoice.
And you know I, I heardsomebody say once well, I do
drugs, I don't drink, so whycan't I drink?
(21:03):
And I and I remember telling himI said, because you know,
picture this.
You know you're sitting there,you have a couple of beers, you
know you get a buzz or you startfeeling a little different,
maybe not that night, buteventually you're going to go
look for your true drug ofchoice, so it'll just bring you
back.
So complete abstinence alwaysmade so much sense to me.
(21:26):
Because of that, because Iheard that from somewhere,
because we always hear thingsfrom somewhere else, and you
walking into the rooms at 18wasn't for nothing, whether
that's where you heard, you knowwhat I mean a belly full of
booze and a head full ofrecovery that stopped you in
(21:47):
your tracks one day, or you knowit's all not for nothing.
You know, when you have these,of course relapse isn't required
, you know, and it could beessentially fatal yeah and it
could be fatal, but it doeshappen and the small snippets
and the people that you meetalong the way while you're
trying are sometimes just asimportant as the ones that that
(22:09):
save you meet along the waywhile you're trying are
sometimes just as important asthe ones that save you once you
get in, you know.
So, really interesting story andlife.
You know that you led up untilthat point and so grateful that
today you share your 42ndanniversary here with us.
And so what did it look likefor you?
(22:29):
Your sobriety from at 21 on.
What do you think made you stay?
What was the true thing thatmade you stay?
Speaker 2 (22:38):
the work, the work made me stay.
The work was interesting to me.
Well, I had always been aseeker, you know, I'd always
been a spiritual seeker too, andso the work made me stay.
I mean, once I really gotthrough some of the work and got
to have a new experience withthe divine spirit that lives
(23:03):
within me and I'm a part of, andwe're all part of from me, um,
I, I, I began to meditate and Ibegan to, um, you know, once I
got to that and then once Ibegan to give it away, really
that sort of became my next drugof choice.
In a way, you know, like I, I,to this day, there's nothing
better for me than to watch thelight come on in somebody's eyes
(23:26):
and to help them through this,you know, through recovery.
There's nothing, there'snothing more exciting to me.
Not just a couple of weeks ago,my, my best friend and I were.
I had this girl who wascompletely, you know, resistant,
doesn't know, you know, and andwe started two-timing her, you
know, and by the end she wascrying and like I'm alcoholic,
(23:49):
and we were like, yay, you know,I walked away feeling so great.
Speaker 1 (23:52):
You know I still love it.
It's interesting when peopleshare their, their like worst
moments.
When you're in a good spot andyou're listening, you know that
that's going to be their realturning point, you know.
And so like we talk about thework, but like you really have
to change everything, you knowyou change it all.
You have like an internalreorganization.
(24:12):
So what are some of the thingsthat you know you let go of, or
how did you make some changesearly on that helped you stay?
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Yeah, early on I had a hard time letting go of the
life I had been in.
It was kind of a big life withall those people, but I managed
to let that go finally, and thattook me kind of about a year
and a half to let him go reallyit's the hymn of that.
But it was a whole lifestyleand so it took me a little while
(24:43):
to let that go.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
Let's take a moment to hear a recovery story from
one of my sponsors.
At the age of 25, recentlymarried and a new father, jack
found himself in a Texas rehabfacility detoxing After 10 years
of addiction.
He was finally able to admitthat it was time to get help.
Not only did Soberlink allowhim to be accountable and track
(25:04):
his sobriety, soberlink allowedJack to prove to himself and
others that he could make thechange he had always hoped for.
Soberlink is the portablesobriety tracker taking the
recovery world by storm.
It has built in facialrecognition sensors that detect
cheating and instant resultssent to contacts.
It's the number oneaccountability tool for keeping
(25:27):
yourself honest and rebuildingtrust.
Visit wwwsoberlinkcom backslashsober dash living and check out
the show notes to click thelink and receive $50 off your
device today.
Now back to our guest.
Speaker 2 (25:44):
Letting go of everything I thought I know.
So, first of all, like lettinggo of thinking I was totally
unique, that there was anythingunique about my situation, like
the when I became, um, a gardenvariety alcoholic.
It would change the whole, thewhole landscape of recovery for
me, because then I was just anaverage joe in this deal and and
(26:05):
that makes a big difference.
And I think, when you and thenI did, and then I think, once
you, when I crossed thethreshold from being a taker to
a giver, that's the other, youknow, that's the other major
threshold.
And until you know, I mean I'vebeen around a long time and I
can see people that don't I meanI know people that are long
(26:27):
time that never crossed thatthreshold.
They might not have drank, butthey never crossed that
threshold and and it's like youknow, they seem sadder than I am
.
You know, and I have a purpose.
Speaker 1 (26:40):
You had used the term terminal uniqueness you know, I
think before pre-record.
Could you explain that a littlebit, cause that is so true what
you just said, and it brings alot of relief.
Speaker 2 (26:52):
Yeah, so that terminal uniqueness is going to
like, if I keep thinking I'munique, it will kill me.
I will never be part of thewhole, I will never be.
You know, even when I think oflike the divine spirit for me,
like that is so I'm not uniquein that, that everybody, we're
(27:18):
all connected.
This is my philosophy and sowhen I'm unique, I'm just, then
I can't connect with you, andeverything about recovery is
about connecting.
You know, because we're soisolated, we're so I liked to be
isolated.
I like to not tell you I wasfull of secrets.
I was full of.
You know, I was never going tobe an open book, and I'm an open
book now, but before I was,that was going to kill me.
You know, that would have sentme back out there if I had
(27:39):
stayed that unique and and itwas and it was.
I think of this one moment in ameeting on the West Side at the
YMCA, and I had been saying Iwas in my early recovery and I
was saying that I was.
You used to have to count untilyou were like 90 days right,
(28:01):
and I would say, you know, 32days back, 42 days back, 32 days
back, 42 days back, and thiswell, he's.
He's deceased now, but um is.
Peter cornered me afterwardsand said um, you know, I'm a
little tired of that little likeF you at every morning.
You need to.
You need to let go of that backLike and and when I go with the
(28:24):
back thing.
That was changed some of thetrajectory to that.
Oh, that was like the beginningof breaking down that
uniqueness.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
Like all that that's so good, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
Because I know, like now, lately I'm taking taking
courses to be a practitioner andI and I had to go into this and
I've had years of you know,seeking and years of learning
and stuff, and I have to go intoit with what I, you know, what
we refer to as the set asideprayer set aside everything I
think I know and help me have anew experience.
You know, and when I can dothat and set aside everything I
(29:00):
think I know and have a newexperience here, I, you know,
I'm open to all sorts ofpossibilities.
Speaker 1 (29:06):
I love that, like it's great, and thank God for
those one liners that peoplethrow at us, you know, who have
that are very direct, that makeyou change something.
You know, I remember I wastalking once and and somebody
who had a you know way, way moretime than me and he was very,
(29:27):
you know, he was real stern,strong man.
He pulled me aside and said youknow, you have a really
powerful message, but you cursed, so and every time you know
which people curse and that'sfine.
But he said you know, we're notevery time you did that.
It took me about 10 minutes toget back, so I missed some of
your story.
He said we're not really doingthat here and I was like wow,
(29:50):
okay, and I made the adjustment,you know, and um, but you know
you couldn't have told me thatthe first five, seven years I
would have I would have heldvery tightly to my, my F's and
my, you know, but you know theyjust they help you become a
better person in the world Right, absolutely, and I'll take it.
(30:11):
I'll.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
take it too, I'll take it and I'm happy to pass it
on and do what I can to be ofservice.
And that became the deal for meand I stayed in New York for
the first seven years and thenabout the first seven years I
was sober I did, um, a lot of,you know, a lot of service work
(30:34):
and a lot of a lot of stuffaround the young people thing.
I got very involved in that andum, and I got very involved in
going to all these um, uhconferences all around the
Northeast and stuff and uh, andit was fun and I had a lot of
fun and uh, conferences allaround the Northeast and stuff
and uh, and it was fun and I hada lot of fun and uh.
But then also the other thing Iwas very into was traveling and
so I would come back fromtraveling to Manhattan and I'd
(30:55):
be like I don't know if I wantto live this life anymore, and
uh.
And then I decided to move outto California and um, and that
was a whole other, a whole otherjourney.
And then a little while afterthat I met my oh no, I got
pregnant and my husband.
I didn't do it in the orderwhat people supposed to Um and
um and then had a couple ofchildren, you know, and uh, but
(31:19):
even, and then here and I landedin.
I live in Carlsbad, california.
I landed in a really nice uh,and I'm really happy about that.
And you know, even when I hadmy children, you know, it's
harder to get out there.
So my husband and I committedto we had this great house that
(31:40):
we committed to having theparties for everybody's
anniversary, you know.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Oh, that's great.
I would do that for years youknow, oh, that's great, I would
do that for years.
So you grew up true east coast,new York girl, for sure from
your story, yeah, and but I'mnot surprised that you ended up
on the west coast.
I know a couple people who grewup in New York City.
Absolutely love, love New York,and then their other choices,
(32:05):
california, you know from coastto coast.
So it's really interesting andI'm glad that community is so
very important, isn't it?
When we talk?
Speaker 2 (32:15):
about this.
Yeah, community is everythingConnection, and community is
everything you know you have to.
And when I of course, when Ifirst got here I didn't like the
way they did anything here, butI was lucky that a guy I knew
in New York had moved to this.
Well, first I was going to livein LA and then I had actually
some terrible experiences in LAand I came down here and and I
(32:42):
and because this friend of minefrom New York had lived here and
so and he already kind of had acommunity, so it was great,
like I just kind of piggybackedinto his community and um, and
I'm still friends with most ofthose people now that still live
here and and and that was great.
And um, and then havingchildren in the program is
interesting too.
So I didn't have.
I had my first child when I was10 years, sober.
(33:03):
At two I have a girl and a boyand um and I and I just lost my
train of thought, but I had twochildren and um and uh and um,
oh, I know what I was gonna say,but and like, with that I, I
was 10 years sober, so I didn'twant to um, uh, they did not
(33:27):
know I was alcoholic until theywere much older.
And uh, and I didn't want to,and and they I didn't want my
five-year-old raising their handin kindergarten saying my mom's
an alcoholic.
They don't know how todifferentiate that stuff right.
And I'm in this unique positionwhere they never saw me I was
(33:49):
not using drinking in theirpresence, so they never knew
that until later when their dadand I divorced and he began to
use again and they were likewhat is happening?
And then I had to explain that.
Ok, I sat them down, they werelike eight or something like
(34:18):
that and I said hey, listen,dad's an alcoholic, uh, I'm an
alcoholic and it's a disease.
Your father's caught up in itright now.
He's a good man, he's not.
This is not a you know, it'snot a moral issue, it's not like
anything, but it's, you know,it's.
Well, you know, those are theexact words my mother told me
one time.
She said it's a moral issue,it's a, uh, it's a disease.
And that was pretty progressivefor like back in yeah, but so
(34:42):
very true, yeah, my mother waspretty progressive actually.
I mean mostly when she said thatto me I thought I thought you
didn't like dad, no, but uh butshe was very kind of it.
Speaker 1 (34:53):
Yeah, that's the kind .
Yeah, she was super kind abouthis disease.
Speaker 2 (34:56):
She really did get that and uh, and that was that
was a blessing for me, becauseit was always framed as a
disease like that for me that itwas.
Speaker 1 (35:04):
So I always feel like I came by my disease honestly,
you know, like there's it's sohereditary for me and um so yeah
, look at that, your mom gaveyou those words and then you
were giving those very samewords to your children to
explain.
Speaker 2 (35:22):
Yeah, can you?
Speaker 1 (35:23):
speak a little bit to how alcoholism and addictions
of family disease yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:29):
So you know, um, I I really do think it's hereditary.
But then also the behaviorsaround that are.
You know, codependency and youknow the, the lies and the
secrets and you know everyalcoholic family has those, you
know.
You know like we looked greaton the outside, the eight of us,
(35:50):
you know what I mean, the six.
We looked good on the outside,but what was happening in that
household was a whole otherstory.
Good on the outside, but whatwas happening in that household
was a whole other story.
You know what I mean.
And there was all the you knowblaming and shaming and lying
and secrets and all that stuff.
That.
That, that whether you turn outlike out of the six of us,
whether you turn out to bealcoholic or not, you still are
(36:11):
damaged from all that stuff.
You know what I mean.
And uh, and so, as I was duly,you know, when I first went into
Al-Anon I was only like threeyears sober and um, and I was
still very um, enmeshed with myparents and uh, and I mean you
know my mother and I kind ofbeen in business together.
(36:32):
You know she was like kind of amanager.
There was just all all thisstuff, right and so, but but
mostly by the secrets of ourhousehold.
You know, you get very, youknow there's this, this
solidarity about those secretsand you're not going to let
anybody know what's reallyhappening in this household.
And the biggest one in my familywas my father's always
(36:54):
homosexual right and is a gayguy, and I didn't know that.
But once I did know it I waslike God, that makes so much
sense, you know, but but but hewas so they had all these
secrets, you know, and I thinklike alcohol isn't just breeds,
all of that.
So then the whole family isdistorted and nobody gets,
(37:16):
nobody really gets to tell thetruth to each other and nobody,
everybody's siloed off and youfeel isolated and confused.
You know as a child and then asan adult even.
You know.
Until you start to get thoseyou know, straighten out some of
that stuff and take a bullseyeand look at it.
Speaker 1 (37:35):
You know, and um, so so, yeah, I know that you had
said you went into Al-Anon andyou know, sometimes, as you
progress and in an alcohol-freelife, you know you start to you
live your life, you get yourhealth back, you get well.
But you know, like you spokeabout the behaviors, you know,
and so there's always more,whether you're alcoholic or not,
(37:57):
to you know, revealing who youare and how you can live better.
How do you think um Al-Anon andlooking at those things has
enhanced your life?
Speaker 2 (38:08):
Oh, majorly.
I think I was in therapy atthat point and um and.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
I?
You talk about the secrets andstuff, but how did you break
from that?
Like?
How, what are some of thethings that it brought you
freedom from?
Like, how do you live differentbecause of it?
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Yeah, well, I definitely live different as an
open book.
You know, like the time Irealized I had all this
enmeshment, you know, like thatI was there's so many classic
things in alcoholic families youknow, like that triangulation,
(38:47):
you know, like I'm going to tellher so she can tell him and
then we'll figure this.
You know, instead of thisdirect communication and the
family, you know, and, uh, allthat, and I was chasing men all
the time, like I had no ideathat I had a problem with a
daddy issue, for instance.
You know that I, I was, um,constantly chasing older men and
(39:07):
uh, and you know, and, and onceI realized I had some issues
with my father, I was lucky thatmy father by now had also
gained some real recovery and wecould sit down and talk about
it, but together actually, anduh, and but I, you know, prior
to that I didn't, I didn't knowany, I just knew that I didn't
(39:30):
know how to be direct with inrelationships.
You know, when you got into arelationship with anybody,
whether it be man or woman orwhatever, I didn't know what
intimacy was a relationship withanybody, whether it be man or
woman or whatever.
I didn't know what intimacy was.
I couldn't, I had neverexperienced it.
Speaker 1 (39:42):
And I also so, looking at that, you go ahead.
I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
No, go ahead.
Speaker 1 (39:46):
So, looking at that, you know that awareness or that
you didn't even realize you hadissues with with dad right.
So having having that awarenessand then looking at it squarely
changes every relationship youhave after that into something.
Every single one.
So it's life changing.
It's life changing.
Speaker 2 (40:05):
Every single one?
Yeah, absolutely.
And I often say I wasemotionally illiterate.
You know, for years, my firstseveral years that I got here,
and it took me a long time toget to, to even be in touch with
my feelings.
You know what I mean Likemeditation did that for me,
because I mean meditation is abig part of the element to the
(40:26):
growth in emotional growth,because I had to stop.
You know, I remember, like thefirst time I was in a meditation
class and, uh, and I said tothe teacher, who turned out to
be one of my best friends formany, many years.
I said to her I think of ourcross purposes here, because
everybody here seems to wantsome sort of out of body
(40:47):
experience and I need to be inmy body.
I don't think I've ever been inmy body.
And she was like, oh no,sweetheart, you're in the right
place.
And I began to meditate and bein my body and have a conscious
contact with the power greaterthan myself, instead of being
unconscious about my whole lifeand just react reactionary
(41:08):
rather than conscious andresponsive.
You know, and so, and then Ibegan to have an emotional life
that I was aware of and I couldparticipate in and I could
exchange with other human beingsin my life that that that was,
that was untouchable territoryfor me.
Had I been still using, had Ibeen unaware, you know, had I
(41:29):
not been working on recovery andtrying to move forward you know
Well what a gift.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
I mean how much more meaning you have in your life
now because of that.
I mean just putting that down.
The coping mechanisms are down,you're just living your life
like wide open and yeah, it'sreally, really something.
So what did the latter part oflike the sobriety look like as
you evolve into out of earlysobriety and into, like you know
(41:59):
, getting back into your lifeLike how did how was that
enhanced by, by your recovery?
Yeah so actually, and yeah,right I was like.
Speaker 2 (42:09):
So it seemed like everything I did, uh, you know,
I could just do it so muchbetter.
You know, I got a regular job,you know, and started working in
the back.
Then it was in like the printindustry.
One of my sisters got me agreat job and you know
everything I did.
I became the manager or thesupervisor or whatever you know,
(42:31):
or the VP, whatever you know.
And so because actually when Ihad that theater company, I
realized that I had a head forbusiness.
I stopped acting and I I ranthat theater company and I ran
it beautifully and we startedmaking money and we you know it
still exists actually, but, um,but.
So I loved the business side ofthings and then I loved bringing
(42:55):
the principles I was learninginto that, you know, and, and
and everything I still to thisday, everything I do, whether
whatever the profession I'vebeen in and I've had a few now
but I'm there to be of service,you know, and and when I bring
that attitude into whatever I do, whether it's sales you know,
(43:16):
I've done some sales here andthere or you know, I one of the
longest careers I've had in myadult life was as a corporate
meeting planner and eventplanner, and, and you know I
loved that and I always bringthat sense of service, you know,
into whatever I do.
(43:36):
So, um, so that makes life somuch easier.
Speaker 1 (43:42):
What is that?
Is your theater company stillin existence or yeah, the Colony
Theater Company.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
I'm actually not sure who runs it now, but it's on um
.
It was out of the AmericanTheater of Actors on uh, 54th
West 54th Street.
Speaker 1 (43:56):
You talked a lot about altruism and you know
you're helping others.
You just loved it because Ithink that really, really helps
us.
You know to get outside ofyourself is such a benefit
because you're just.
You could sit there in yourproblem or you could turn your
attention to someone you couldhelp.
And how has that?
How has that changed yourrecovery?
(44:17):
By always being available topeople.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
Yeah, well, I mean, you're doing it right now with
this whole thing.
This is a great performance,you know, really, and you know
it takes me out of myself.
I mean, yesterday I had likesomething kind of a first time
thing ever happened to meyesterday morning and a
relationship to my daughter whois out there, and and it was a
(44:46):
little traumatic in the morning,you know, and by the afternoon
I called a few people and Icalled the girl I sponsored.
I called, you know, I justcalled a few people and by the
time and then I got to work andsomeone was having a hard time
with the whole project and Ijust dove into it, as you know,
to be of service, and the nextthing I knew it was 4 o'clock
(45:09):
and I hadn't thought about whathappened in the morning you know
what I mean and I had processedit and I hadn't done anything.
I wanted to react to some ofwhat had happened and I didn't
react to it.
I said I'm going to set asidemy reaction and see how I feel
later today, and to have thatkind of be able to do that is so
much, so much healthier for methan you know, sure, for anyone.
(45:33):
Now, you know, because I meanagain, having raised to, my kids
are 33 and are about to be 33and 28.
Oh, no, 32 and 28, 29, whatever.
And they, you know, they stillhad an alcoholic mother.
You know I'm not perfect, youknow what I mean.
(45:57):
Just, sobriety doesn't meanthat I am, that I did everything
right.
You know what I mean, justbecause I raised them as a sober
person.
I'm S, I still had my familyhistory, I still had my old
ideas.
I, you know, because once youthen get into a whole other
phase of your life, so here I amas a parent, oh my gosh, I
don't want to do what my parentsdid.
I want to have a different, Iwant to be a different type of
(46:20):
parent.
And now, like you know, for me,I look back and some of it I
went.
I went maybe to the otherextreme, you know.
Or I, you know, I had a coupleof years where I was like a
helicopter mom or, you know, Itry not to be.
You know what my mother was soaloof and I didn't want to be
aloof.
And you know, trying to teachthem emotional, you know, trying
(46:44):
to teach them about theiremotions, and you know, and I
mean actually some of thatworked very well, they tell me.
But but you know, or we weremeditating, you know, I had the
meditating as young kids and uh,you know stuff like that.
But, um, you know, but younever know.
Like, out of my two children,one is definitely right now a
(47:05):
current full-on alcoholic drugaddict, with some, also some
mental health issues, and uh,and she's out there, you know,
and, um, and what, what myrecovery has given me is that I
get that I'm not responsible forthat, you know, and no matter
how much she wants to tell me, Iam just like I want to tell my
parents that they were too.
(47:25):
When I first got here, you knowI was, I was a victim too when
I first got sober, you know, andand so.
But I get that it's not my,it's not my responsibility.
And I also get that God doesn'thave grandchildren.
You know she's got her ownhigher power.
She's got her own.
You know she came into thisworld for her own reasons and
via me.
Yes, but doesn't, doesn't makeme responsible, right?
(47:48):
So I mean now, of course, youknow, when you're a parent,
you're responsible when they'relittle, but you, um, you know, I
, I didn't create her disease.
I can't cure it and I can'tcontrol it, you know, and um,
just like nobody could with me.
And so until she has her moment, I don't know when that
moment's going to be you know,but um, I can't pass on my
(48:10):
recovery.
You know it doesn't get it byosmosis, you know um, it's just
the way it is.
Speaker 1 (48:18):
you know the pre-recording we were talking
about my sobriety doesn'tprotect my children from this
disease.
Speaker 2 (48:25):
Yeah, and she actually had four years of
recovery at one time and it waslovely, you know, it was lovely
to watch and lovely to be a partof.
And you know, yeah, yeah, andwe will someday.
I mean, I, I always have hope,I always have hope, always.
You know, um and uh, and my sonon the other, you know, doesn't
seem to have this.
(48:46):
You know, my son has a strongal-anon program.
It's so hysterical it cracks meup like he doesn't even know it
, but he just speaks like it.
You know, like that's not myproblem, mom.
Speaker 1 (49:04):
You're right, it's not Good for you.
You're right, it's not.
So if there's one thing youcould tell people, listeners who
, um, who are struggling, um,who want to get, get here and
stay as long as you've stayed,what would it be?
Speaker 2 (49:16):
Connect with somebody .
Just connect with somebodywho's been I don't care if they
have a day longer than you, Idon't care what you know but
like, connect with somebody thatyou um, that you can do this
with, you know, um, andhopefully you also connect with
some sort of power greater thanyourself that can help you too,
you know.
But um, connection is the key.
(49:37):
Isolation will kill you.
You know, I was the kind thatcould isolate in a room full of
a hundred person.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
A hundred people, you know and you don't have to do
that anymore.
You don't have to do that.
You know the delay, the delayof asking for help can be, can
be years, so just do it, youknow you just do it open your
mouth, do it.
Speaker 2 (49:55):
Do it Because there's so much out there that can help
you so many people.
So where can listeners find youas we wrap up?
If they want to connect withyou during the week?
Best place is Instagram.
I think I'm on there the mostwhere I can talk to people or
whatever.
Speaker 1 (50:10):
What is your Instagram account?
Name Amy.
Speaker 2 (50:13):
C.113.
Speaker 1 (50:23):
account name Amy C.113.
Okay, amy C.113 on Instagram isthe best way to follow and
connect with Amy.
You know I'm also going to putall that in the show notes, so
you just go down there and clickon her Facebook, linkedin and
Instagram and thank you so muchfor sharing your wisdom, your
story and for celebrating your42nd year anniversary here on
Sober Living Stories podcast.
(50:43):
I really appreciate it and Ienjoyed having you as a guest on
the show.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
Thank you, I enjoyed being here.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (50:57):
Thank you for tuning into the Sober Living Stories
podcast.
If you have been inspired,consider subscribing and sharing
with anyone who could use hopein their lives.
Remember to stay tuned for moreinspiring stories in the
episodes to come.
To view our featured author ofthe month or to become a guest
yourself, visitwwwjessicastepanoviccom.
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