July 9, 2024 • 40 mins
Sobriety isn't about being boring, it's about embracing life to the fullest. Nobody knows that better than my next guest, Mick Resendez of @queerrecovery where he kicks shame to the curb and wins over alcohol. He invites you to forget everything you thought you knew about sobriety and join us as he rewrites the rules. He is saying goodbye to outdated recovery methods and is recreating the recovery scene one fabulous step at a time.
Join host Jessica Stipanovic for a vibrant and insightful conversation with Mick Resendez on the Sober Living Stories podcast, as he shares his sobriety story.
From the exhilarating highs and camaraderie of West Hollywood's nightlife to the sobering realization of a worsening dependence on alcohol, Mick's story is one of resilience and reinvention. The turning point came during a whirlwind weekend at a friend's wedding in Florida, where a final drink marked the end of an era and the beginning of a rigorous 18-month outpatient program.
Explore the creation of @QueerRecovery, Mick's online community that evolved from Instagram live sessions during the pandemic. He delves into the need for inclusive support systems within the LGBTQ+ community, the problematic marketing of addictive substances, and the higher risk of addiction among LGBTQ+ youth. As we dive into Mick's professional vision of @queerrecovery, lean in as he discusses his ambitions to expand the initiative through coaching, group sessions, meet-ups, retreats, and a possible podcast. Mick's inspiring vision makes sobriety achievable, vibrant, and fun.
Mick's launching his first ongoing coaching group, packed with support, empowerment, and positive vibes. But that's not all—if you're in the Los Angeles area, mark your calendars for Mick's exclusive pop-up Queer, Sober Meet-up! It's all about creating a safe, welcoming space for LGBTQIA+ folks to connect, heal, and thrive together.
Stay in the loop with Mick and the @QueerRecovery community—follow him on Instagram and Threads for all the juicy details and updates. This summer's about to get a whole lot brighter!
To connect with Mick:
Instagram: @queerrecovery Mick Resendez (@queerrecovery) • Instagram
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Sobriety isn't about being boring.
It's about embracing life tothe fullest, and nobody knows
that better than my next guest.
His name is Mick and he has theInstagram account at Queer
Recovery, where he kicks shameto the curb and wins over
alcohol.
He's joined you to forgeteverything you thought you knew
about sobriety and help himrewrite the rules.
(00:20):
He's saying goodbye to outdatedrecovery methods and join him
in rewriting the script onrecovery, one fabulous step at a
time.
Welcome to the Sober LivingStories podcast.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing stories of sobriety.
(00:42):
We shine a spotlight onindividuals who have faced the
challenges of alcoholism andaddiction and are today living
out their best lives sober.
Each guest has experiencedincredible transformation and
are here to share their storywith you.
I'm Jessica Stepanovic, yourhost.
Join me each week as guestsfrom all walks of life share
(01:04):
their stories to inspire andprovide hope to those who need
it most.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Sober Living Stories podcast
(01:29):
.
My guest today is Mick Resendez.
Mick is here today to share hispersonal sobriety story and
he's about to launch a newcoaching business for the
LGBTQIA community.
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Mick.
Welcome to the show.
Hey, jessica, thank you so muchfor having me.
I'm very honored to be heretoday.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
I would love for you to take us back and share your
personal sobriety story so thatlisteners can relate, and then
in the end, we'll talk about howyou want to make this into
something to help other people.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
So I won't go through the wholefrom when I started to where I
got to, but what I will startwith is the crux of my journey.
So I'm a gay man.
I've been out since I was, Ithink, in ninth grade, 14.
So, I think in ninth grade 14.
(02:29):
So, and this was, you know, thelate nineties, early 2000s.
So, while it is still a verybrave thing to do as a young
person, back then even more so.
I was the only one in my schooland I really embraced my
identity Like I really like wasvery proud of who I was.
I was out to my parents, I wasout to my family, didn't really
get much pushback on it.
I was very fortunate in thatregard.
I grew up in Los Angeles, so Iwouldn't grow up in the middle
(02:51):
of nowhere.
And when I got of age and Ifinally started going out in gay
spaces, in nightclubs andthings like that, in West
Hollywood most specifically,that's when drinking culture
really kind of became veryglamorous and very sexy and fun
and, oh my gosh, look at all thelike inhibitions that I can
(03:15):
allow myself to indulge in.
And so at first, as a young,you know, as a young 21, you
know, I was just getting mybe-legs, so to speak, and
learning to start with all thefruity cocktails and frilly
cocktails.
Then, very early on in my 20s, Ibecame a bartender.
I got a job as a bartender.
(03:36):
My life literally was allalcohol.
I made a ton of friends andit's funny because when I talk
about it I smile because it wassuch a fun time and I it's
almost like in a movie.
You know where I'm like oh, oh,what's coming, what's coming.
(03:57):
You know what I mean.
So I was out all the time.
I had friends that werebartenders.
If I wasn't at their bar theywere at my bar.
But I had a lot of friends andI had a lot of community and I
was going to this party and thatparty and I was doing all the
things and it was so much fun.
(04:18):
And then eventually and I can'treally tell you when, but
eventually it went to a pointwhere it it was like I was just
trying to keep the party goingat all costs and I would, you
know, I would befriend justanybody who is willing to just
(04:41):
keep it going.
Just, you know, it's threeo'clock, four o'clock, five
o'clock in the morning, whatever, we're still going to sleep and
um, you know those were.
Those.
People became my friends and Istill have my other friends from
before.
Um, but a lot of what mydrinking had to do with as I got
older was a because a lot ofthe gay community and I speak
(05:02):
really only from my experience,but I have spoken with enough
people to confidently say thisis the case for many people
within the LGBT communitythere's such an emphasis on
party culture, hookup culture,club culture, going out culture
that you really feel as if thatif you don't do that, if you're
not part of it, then what do youdo?
(05:22):
Or you're like a loser, and Iwas like no, I'm not a loser,
I'm fun, to my own detriment.
I mean, I had people I ruinedbirthday parties.
I've had people throughout theyears just really say to me,
like you know, you got a littlecrazy last night, but at the
(05:43):
same time I don't know if youhave this experience the same
people that would say, oh, yougot a little too, a little too
wasted last night.
We're also the same people that,like, three days later were
like, hey, we're going to happyhour.
So it became such a challengefor me to reconcile.
Well, do I have a problem Causethey say I do, but then like
three days later they'reinviting me back out.
(06:04):
They say I do, but then, likethree days later, they're
inviting me back out.
So at this point in my storyI'm about, I'd say, right around
probably, my 30th birthday,where I kind of slowed things
down a little bit.
I got a dog, so I was like, oh,I'm a dad now.
So I need to tone it down.
Um, so, but, but, as but.
(06:28):
As I got into my 30s and I'msingle this whole time.
No serious relationships.
So then, at that point too, I'mlike, well, where all the heck
am I supposed to meet, you know,a man?
Where am I supposed to, youknow, find a boyfriend?
And intellectually, logically,I'm sure anybody listening to
this podcast that has any sortof issues with addiction or
(06:48):
they're going through it withthemselves or something logic,
does not factor in much in ourminds.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
It's just no logic.
And so I was like, well, that'swhere I'm going to meet him.
I'm going to meet him at a bar.
I don't know where I got thatfrom.
So, and as you get into your30s, this is when people in my
life were having babies, gettingmarried, moving in together,
and I was still, you know, theold queen at the bar dancing,
(07:17):
you know, all night longsloppily, or getting kicked out
or, you know, just making a messof myself and so, and people
were just kind of watching andyou know I would hobble.
I would hobble enough of, youknow, some sober days together.
I'd do a sober October, a dryJanuary.
I'd do it long enough toconvince not only myself but the
(07:38):
people in my life that I'm okay, I have a handle on this and
really, what my problem is and alot of folks too may be over it
it wasn't that I couldn'tfunction without alcohol.
It wasn't like I was one ofthose people that had to go, you
know, before my morning coffee,have, like you know, a shot of
vodka.
It was that once I started, youknow, once I started, at five
(07:58):
o'clock on Friday, we were notending until I passed out.
Finally, sunday night, at likesix o'clock, and so it was all
the stuff that I did in betweenthat that had the repercussions
and everything that were theproblem.
So now we're now we'll get to.
How did I finally get sober?
(08:19):
Well, there's two, you'll seein a moment.
Weddings play a big factor in mysobriety journey, ironically.
So about five years ago yeah,it was five years ago I had a
very good friend, those friendsin your life that really just
(08:42):
you get each other, you get eachother's humor, you can just be
yourself with.
She was finally getting married.
She had this big weddingplanned in Florida.
Um, all of our friends weregoing to be there, everyone's
going to be there.
It's a big wedding.
We rented a huge house,everything, the whole, the whole
things, um, and I got therenight one, totally fine, uh,
(09:04):
then we got to the house on thesecond day and the party started
and I don't really remembermuch of that weekend and I don't
know if I don't know if I'vechosen to forget some of it, but
I the parts I do remember arenot great A lot of fighting, a
lot of arguing, a lot of yelling, not at her, just at other
(09:27):
people.
And then the thing that Iremember most clearly is the
Sunday morning, waking up andjust that, knowing that everyone
in the house was like superpissed at me and that I
essentially was like, well,we're going to go, I'll have a
day here, you should probably goto the airport, even though
(09:48):
your flight's not another eighthours.
And so I got on the plane.
Um, my very last drink I everhad just so appropriate was a
room temperature, two bottles ofroom temperature airplane
Chardonnay with ice.
And I got home and I went tobed.
(10:10):
And then the next morning Iwoke up and I remember the day
very distinctly because it wasthe day that the Notre Dame
church in Paris was on fire.
And I'm not very religious, butI looked at that as some sort
of sign.
Religious, but I looked at thatas some sort of sign.
(10:30):
So at that point, you know, Iknew I had to do something.
But again I'm in the throes ofjust denying that this is not
something I can handle on my own.
So my thought process was well,you know, I have pretty good
health insurance.
I should maybe go to anaddiction specialist.
I'll go to counseling, that'swhat I'll do.
That'll be the thing that'llfix it.
So I found this addiction.
I had an appointment like 10days later.
(10:52):
So I go to this appointment Uh,it's day 13 of my sobriety.
And uh, she's talking to meshe's great, ask me all these
questions.
She's like super shocked that Ijust went cold turkey.
She's like did you get theshakes?
Did you get?
I was like no, I just stopped.
And she's like, oh wow, she'slike I've never really
encountered somebody that justwalks in here, that's just
(11:13):
stopped and didn't have allthese stuff.
I was like, I was like I kind ofdo this all the time.
And she was like, really, Istuff on the computer and I'll
never forget.
She like turns to me veryabruptly and says, okay, so
(11:34):
here's what I think you need todo.
I think you need to do about anine to 12 month inpatient
program.
And I, yeah, exactly.
And I was like, oh, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not
.
I'm not an impatient person,I'm not a.
You don't need to like send meaway and do anything.
That's not me.
I'm just here to you know.
I'm just here to you know,figure out why I get so mad when
I drink you know, I want tofigure out what makes me so
(11:54):
angry.
I'm really thankful that somehowI had the insight to be like
okay, she's the professional.
Because you know, as an addict,anytime you get confronted with
somebody else kind of tellingyou the secret that you already
(12:15):
know, you're very like no, no,no, no, no, no, that's just like
I did.
And then you run.
You know, I don't know ifanyone ever watches the show
Intervention, but it's like thesecond they're confronted,
they're no, no, no, that's justlike I did.
And then you run.
You know, I don't know ifanyone ever watches the show
intervention, but it's like thesecond they're confronted,
they're boom out the door.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
So I told, well, no, I did not go to the inpatient.
But I told her I was like Idon't think I'm an inpatient
person, I go, I don't think Ineed to be in that structure of
a program.
And so she said, okay, well,let's do an 18 month outpatient.
And so she gave me thestructure it was.
I think I had to go to three oftheir, uh, sobriety meetings so
(12:53):
there's sobriety meetings, notAA meetings, because they don't
follow the steps.
Um, and then I had a counselorI think it was one counseling
meeting a month and then I was,uh, I was to be randomly
screened with a urine test atany time.
It's like accountability yeah,exactly, um, and then I love
(13:15):
shit.
People love this part.
I got really fat.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, I got really fat and uh, everyone's always's
always like oh, did you lose somuch weight and you got thin?
I'm like nope, I gained about55 pounds.
Um, because I just replaceddrinking with food got it and
transferred addictions.
Yeah, I transferred addictionsyeah, yeah, exactly, and it was.
(13:42):
It was so comforting to justhave that in that moment and I
went crazy Like I just ateeverything.
Um, and the thing about thatthat was so empowering
eventually was that you, whenyou're in the throes of drinking
or drug use for me at least,you can see it, but you can't
(14:03):
see it as clearly as when oneday you look in the mirror and
you're like, oh, there's a lotmore in my face here than there
used to be, or these clothesdon't fit me the way they used
to.
And so through those meetingsand through those three, you
know, those first hundred days,I really got the legwork of
(14:25):
where the idea for queerrecovery would eventually come
through.
Um, so I can share a little bitnow.
Now, how does that come about?
Because now we're about three,about three and a half, four
years ago.
So, as I mentioned at thebeginning of my story, a lot of
my drinking was from going outand partying and clubbing, and
(14:46):
so, fortunately, I did meet somereally great people that I'm
still friends with, one of whichis a friend of mine who got
married or was getting marriedin Ibiza in Spain, and he called
me and said I really would likeyou to.
He did.
I think I've maybe lied orsomething at some point and said
(15:07):
oh, I'm a fish, I'm anofficiant, I can officiate
weddings.
But somewhere along the line hegot it in his head that I can
officiate weddings.
So he called me and he's like Ireally want you to come to
Ibiza and officiate my wedding.
So I mean, I'm not going toturn down a trip to Ibiza Like
that's just not, that's notgonna happen.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
But you really weren't able to do that, so that
wasn't really.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Oh no, I made sure I I don't know I got us.
I got ordained.
I was like I'm not there.
Oh, yes, thank you.
I was like I got ordained, Idid what I needed to do and then
, um, about two months afterthat, he, he and I are talking,
going over a few things and he'slike hey, I just want to let
you know I am very proud of youfor your sobriety and what
(15:50):
you're doing, cause I didn'ttell him.
Oh, that's part of it.
I didn't tell anybody for aboutfour months that I was getting
sober or that I was sober.
I didn't tell anybody.
Yeah, for two reasons One, if Ifelt, if I decided to start
drinking again, I didn't wantthat to be used against me.
You know, I want people to belike see, like you couldn't even
look at you, you're total drunk.
You couldn't even be sober fortwo months or whatever.
(16:11):
Um, but also, I think the the.
I think the other part of itwas I, just if I had a hard
enough time admitting it tomyself I always likened the
journey of coming out as a soberperson as like when I came out
of the closet as a gay man.
Right, because for a long timeI knew I was gay, I just wasn't
(16:34):
quite sure how to word it.
And then I finally got it.
And then I came out to myself.
And then I didn't come out.
I mean, obviously, my friends,it was a little easier, but I
didn't come out to like myfamily.
And so, you know, a coupleyears after I came out to my
friends, it was a little easier,but I didn't come out to like
my family.
And so, you know, a coupleyears after I came out to my
friends, um, because I justwasn't sure how to identify with
being a sober person, I didn'tknow what that meant because to
(16:57):
me and my dad, uh, was analcoholic and he, he said I'm a
drunk alcoholics go to meetings.
So anyway, I'm on the phonewith my friend about his wedding
and he says you know, there'sgoing to be a lot of booze here,
are you okay with that?
(17:18):
And I said, well, and he's likeI can get you, like I can sit
you at a I can sit with like thekids table, I can do like
whatever you need, but I wantyou to know that that's going to
be.
And I was like no, no, no, it'stotally fine, totally fine.
Because then at that point I'mstill.
Sobriety is still very new tome, so I'm not it's, I'm not
thinking about it in that way.
(17:39):
So we fast forward, we go to, uh, we go.
We go to Spain.
We get there, everything's fine.
And one of the things that Idid do is one of my friends that
I traveled with.
She's not a big drinker anyway,but I was like I need just, if
I need to go, if I need to getmyself out of a situation, I
need you to just come with me,no questions asked.
She's like totally fine.
(17:59):
So that was one of the firstthings that you know whenever
anyone asks me exactly, thingsthat you know whenever anyone
asks me exactly.
Whenever anyone's like what doI do?
I'm like you got to get thatone person that your point was
just as you said.
You know that if you're in asituation, get yourself out of
there and that they'll go withyou regardless.
Um, so we get to the.
We get to.
He rented this villa and a visaand it was gorgeous and so
(18:22):
glamorous, and blah, blah, blah.
And so we're there and the nextmorning everything's getting
set up and, sure enough, part ofthe centerpieces are these very
fancy bottles of tequila, andhe says he goes, are you sure?
He's like I have you sittingright in the middle of this
Cause?
He did this big family stylelong table and he's like I have
you sitting right in the middle,across from me.
I want you as close to me aspossible, but he's like dude,
(18:49):
the part of the wedding giftsare shot glasses Like he's
literally just making sure thatI'm so okay.
It was so endearing.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
And I was like no, I'm totally fine.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Everything went fine, the wedding was fine, I got so
many compliments, it was great,it gets the reception.
And sure enough, you know,europeans can drink.
They have a whole differentrelationship with alcohol than
Americans do, and I actuallyquite admire it.
And they're like why aren't youdrinking, why aren't you
drinking, why aren't youdrinking?
And I was like, oh, you know,I'm just trying this sober thing
and I, you know, we have anearly flight tomorrow.
(19:19):
I was just kind of goingthrough all these different
excuses and it was one, andfinally different excuses and it
was one.
And finally, later on that nightI really thought about it and
one of the things that I brandmyself as is anti AA.
And I want to be clear, beforeI jump into the rest of the
story, that I'm not against AAin any shape or form.
It works for so many people,but there's not an alternative
(19:45):
for those that it doesn't lookfor.
And so when I was in Ibiza thatI have found, I should say, and
when I was in Ibiza I remembersitting there, I was like, you
know, if I was in AA, I may havehad to have left.
This party found a meeting, youknow, get myself there, do all
these things and for me and theway I wanted to live my life, I
(20:06):
was like that's just not a thingI really want to do and this
doesn't work for me.
There's not that I don't wantto have to go through all that
planning and do all that legworkto stay sober, so I've got to
figure out a way to own mysobriety, the way that I own
what hand I write with rightlike it's just not a big deal,
(20:27):
and that's where the firstlittle seeds of what queer
recovery would eventually become.
And then, of course, thepandemic happened about five
months after that and I hadnothing to do but think about
being sober, and and so that,and I celebrated my first year
of sobriety, the first month oflockdown.
Uh, and that was veryconfronting too, because I was
(20:53):
literally in the environmentthat I had so long struggled to
avoid my house.
I had just moved to a new cityright before that trip to Spain,
and I knew nobody, so I wascompletely alone.
And that was that.
And again, if I had, if I hadbeen really dependent I mean I
(21:16):
don't know how people did it,but if I had been really
dependent on a regular meetingor something.
You know, there was like threeor four weeks where we didn't
know what was going on beforethings finally got on zoom.
So it really got me againthinking like, how do you do
this on your own?
Now I'm not saying and we'lltalk more about queer recovery
in a minute but how do youempower yourself on your own so
(21:39):
that when these things arehappening, you really you're
solid in your sobriety, withoutother stuff, so that the other
stuff, that you're solid in yoursobriety, without other stuff,
so that the other stuff thatyou're doing meetings or
whatever are complimentary andalmost like icing on the cake
for what you're able to do foryourself.
So that's the journey.
And then that brings us rightup to when queer recovery got
started.
But just to kind of round upthat whole story, you know I had
(22:02):
a lot of fun.
I would say I had more funduring my partying days than I
didn't.
But the lasting effects of thenot fun times is what ultimately
led to me choosing sobriety,because I'd wrecked so many
relationships and I mean I'vebeen arrested, hospitalized.
(22:24):
Um, you know, I got, I had anSTD scare.
I mean I had all sorts of justhuge red flags.
Throughout the time I've beenhospitalized twice.
So you know, but it wasn'tuntil that wedding when I had
all my friends basically be likewe just can't deal with you, we
don't know who we're going toget and it's not worth it for us
(22:44):
anymore.
But I was like all right, wegot to look at what's going on
here.
So that's the sobriety journeyand it's been really cool.
The last five years has beenreally really cool Kind of
reintroducing myself to myselfcool kind of reintroducing
myself to myself.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Let's take a moment to hear a recovery story from
one of my sponsors.
At the age of 25, recentlymarried and a new father, jack
found himself in a Texas rehabfacility detoxing After 10 years
of addiction.
He was finally able to admitthat it was time to get help.
Not only did Soberlink allowhim to be accountable and track
his sobriety, soberlink allowedJack to prove to himself and
(23:24):
others that he could make thechange he had always hoped for.
Soberlink is the portablesobriety tracker taking the
recovery world by storm.
It has built-in facialrecognition sensors that detect
cheating and instant resultssent to contacts.
It's the number oneaccountability tool for keeping
yourself honest and rebuildingtrust.
(23:44):
Visit wwwsoberlinkcom backslashsober dash living and check out
the show notes to click thelink and receive $50 off your
device today.
Now back to our guest.
So relatable, and you just hitme in the heart because I was
like wait a second, there issomething with weddings Because
(24:08):
I am sitting here remembering Ijust recently spoke to a friend
I've had since the third grade,but there was a period of time
we didn't speak for like 10 plusyears and the very last night
was at a wedding when I didn'tthink that I did anything so
unusual, but they had adifferent take on that, you know
, and you have to listen to thatand I think ultimately it's
(24:31):
like, for whatever reason, we'reokay with hurting ourselves in
some respect with alcohol, butwhen it hurts others, I know for
me.
It got my attention and I waslike, wow, you know, this isn't,
this isn't just about me, it'saffecting other people now and
that's when I made a change, soI appreciate you being just so
(24:51):
honest and sharing all that.
It's really really good.
And so, yeah, I really I caughtyour Instagram, I've been
watching it and I love it.
And so it's at Queer Recovery,and if you could just talk us
through that.
I know you are thinking aboutlaunching some things.
You have some good ideas forthe future.
If you want to share some ofthose now, I mean, that'd be
(25:12):
great.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Queer Recovery started in thepandemic.
And when I say it started inthe pandemic, and when I say it
started the pandemic, it wassimply uh like week 18 and I had
nothing to do and so, um, andthis was when this was, I mean,
(25:35):
we were past the uh, foamycoffee phase, I think.
Tiger king, tiger King, wasphased out, people were over
making sourdough, it waspre-protests, so there was just
really not much going on.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
It was a blank space, yeah it was just a blank space.
But the pandemic that seriouslydid change a lot for everybody
and how they couldn't show upanymore, so it forced people to
think of alternatives and thisis where this whole thing was
born.
So, like I'm not surprised,like it, yeah, so go ahead.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Yeah, and so what I created and I mean, I called
everybody, I cleaned out myclosets, like you know.
I've done everything, and so,finally, I was just like you
know what?
I need to have some sort ofstructure in my day.
I can't just sit around andwatch, you know, reruns of old
reality shows anymore.
Um, and so what I did is Icreated this what I called live
(26:26):
at five, and I think I stole thename from the simpsons or
something, but it started out asevery monday, wednesday and
friday at five o'clock, I wouldjust go live on instagram and I
would just talk as I would do,as I am right now, and it it was
just.
It was just a stream ofconsciousness and the first I
think maybe five or six of themwere just me talking about
(26:48):
sobriety and my opinions on itand I just kind of opined.
And you know, the first two waslike my mom and, you know,
maybe a couple of friends, andthat was it.
But eventually I startedgetting you know 10, 12 people
and there were maybe four orfive of them that would ask me
questions or have you know, saythank you for sharing, and so I
(27:11):
was like, hmm, there's gotta besomething that I'm, because for
me, I'm just me, I'm justtalking you know, as as I'm
talking to you right now, aspeople are listening, I'm just
talking.
So when people hear things, whenI get that feedback, I'm like,
oh, I mean I'm not talking rightnow, like, oh, this is
something, someone's going toget something out of this.
I mean that's my hope.
And so that's how careerrecovery was born and I started
(27:35):
talking about and it was the.
It was the.
It was the episode, I guess Iwould call it, where I started
talking about how AA didn't workfor me, and I'll share a little
bit about that, because that'sreally how we go back.
So, very long story short is Ihad a court-ordered AA meeting,
as many of us recovering addictsmay have been to in our
(27:55):
lifetimes, and I got a DUI and Iwent into this meeting and I
got a DUI and I went into thismeeting and I don't remember and
I will acknowledge that Iprobably remember this
inaccurately, but what I doremember is the feeling I was
left with, and I think that'sreally what's important, because
I went into the meeting andsomehow I was talking to
somebody and now that I thinkabout it, it was probably one of
(28:18):
those like those people, thosemeetings for people that have
have 10 plus years under theirbelt.
So you have this little gayparty boy coming in and he's
like I'm coming to this becauseI got a DUI.
And this guy was like well,you're not here for the right
reasons.
Now, as a person that's nowfive years sober, I can
understand where that commentwould come from.
(28:40):
But at the same time, at thattime.
I thought to myself well, I'mobviously here because
something's put me here.
I have 100,000 other thingsbetter to do than to be in an AA
meeting.
I would probably put paying mytaxes above being in this
meeting, and so for this personto then tell me that I shouldn't
(29:03):
be there, I mean I tell peopleall the time you don't need to
give an addict a reason to useLike, we'll find it ourselves.
So I just was like, screw this,I don't have to do this.
And so I left, and at thatmoment I was like I don't see
what's so great about thesemeetings If this is how I'm
being treated.
(29:23):
I mean it's such a I mean, whenI say it out loud, it's just
such a selfish, self-righteous,very addict way of looking at
the world.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Right right.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
And I've talked to so many of my friends and people
that I know that are in AA andthey're like I'm so sorry that
you had that experience, blah,blah, blah, sure.
And I'm thankful that I have itbecause it gave me the insight
to say, okay, where's the spacefor not only people that don't
vibe with AA, but now you've gotthe whole LGBTQIA plus
community and when I talk to myfriends in my community, the
(29:58):
first thing that they talk aboutis that they don't vibe with
the God aspect of AA and they'relike.
You know, I have friends thatare like I just ignore that part
.
Anytime God comes up, I justkind of ignore that part.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
And I've done a little.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
I mean, I haven't done a ton of my research just
yet, but I did recently find andI think it was Russell Brand,
so take this with a grain ofsalt, but he was talking about.
It's not like a Christian God.
It can be whatever God you want, but that right there.
For queer recovery and me, thepremise is that you have to
believe in God or a God, which Ido, but there's those that
(30:36):
don't.
So what happens with those folks?
Where do those folks go?
I haven't found an answer.
So I am creating queer recoveryfor that.
Now am I saying whole seriescoming up?
That I'm working on a wholeseries?
It makes it sound like it's aTV show, but I have a series of
(31:05):
posts for Instagram that arecoming up that really dives into
how advertising is reallyfocuses.
You know, we have pride monthcoming up in June.
You're going to start seeingbeer bottles that are rainbow.
You're going to start seeingvodka bottles that have rainbows
.
You're going to start seeinglesbian couples on
advertisements, gay couples,trans.
You're going to start seeingall these different people and
(31:27):
they're marketing towards that.
That's.
You know, that's that's whatthey do.
But you're marketing somethingto a group that's already at a
higher risk of developingaddiction.
I mean LGBT young people have a20 to I believe it's 20 to 30%.
Get at me and hit my DMs if I'mwrong.
I have a 20% to 30% higher rateof addiction than non-LGBT
(31:52):
young people.
So there's a higher risk.
We're pushing it towards mycommunity more and there's not
an alternative.
And when there's not analternative, people just do
nothing, I find, because peoplebelieve that it's hard to be
sober, and I'm not going to sayit's easy, but it's not
(32:13):
insurmountable.
There are things that are wayharder to do and if you go into
something saying, oh this is sohard, I can't do this, well,
guess what you can't.
So that's where I'm comingalong and my whole purpose and,
as you've said as much, I wantsobriety to be fun.
It's a serious subject but it'sfun.
(32:35):
You can have fun.
You don't have to completelylose yourself.
Sobriety is not getting alobotomy.
It's about enjoying your life.
And again, as I said, I wasjust at a wedding this last
weekend and I had a blast and I,you know, I always joke.
I'm like I am so much morefunny now that I'm sober because
they're all drinking and I justsay whatever, and they're like
(32:55):
you are hilarious, you are sowhatever, and they're like you
are hilarious, you are so funny,and I'm like this is my B
material.
So you know, and so where I'mat right now that your audience
knows that I'm in the verybeginning.
So we're.
When I say we, I am creatingcontent, I'm getting my voice
out there.
That's why I'm here speakingwith you today.
(33:16):
I'm out there really sharingwho I am, creating content.
I'm getting my voice out there.
That's why I'm here speakingwith you today.
I'm out there really sharingwho I am and what I'm up to with
the world and eventually we'regoing to be and I'm saying
eventually, within the nextprobably six weeks, we're going
to be launching coaching as thebusiness.
I'm going to be taking onclients.
I am going to be looking for afew more of what I'm calling
(33:38):
beta clients people where I'mtesting out my program so that I
can see what really works.
I want to include a groupaspect to it, which I know is so
funny because I'm like, soanti-AA.
What about meetings?
But it's the same but different.
Eventually we're going to doretreats and you know I'm I'm
I'm looking at having a podcasttoo, because, as you can see, I
(34:00):
can very long winded and I thinkbeing able to just talk is
going to be a really powerfulplatform which, uh, if I do
choose to do that, I'd love tohave you on Um.
But that's queer recovery.
You know, it's about embracingsobriety, enjoying it.
There's no like disappearingthe shame.
(34:21):
You know, I always tell peoplethat the hashtag for queer
recovery is sober, not vegan,which I was a vegan for three
years.
It's sober, not vegan, becausethere's a joke I don't know if
you've ever heard, but it goes.
Have you ever met a vegan?
No, don't worry, if you everheard, but it goes.
Have you ever met a vegan?
No, don't worry, they'll tellyou.
(34:41):
And so and so with with sobriety.
You know, at this wedding andwith this wedding I was at this
weekend people were like wedon't seem sober and it just.
And, as I said before, myjourney of sobriety, my journey
of like my queerness and beinggay, has been very similar,
because I remember people sayyou don't seem like a gay person
to me.
And it's funny because I knowwhat people mean when they say
(35:03):
things like that.
I can't explain it, but I knowwhat they mean and I take that
as a compliment.
You know, like I told peoplethey're like oh, you're at this
wedding, but you were talking tothe bartender, you helped
setting the bar up and I waslike I was a bartender for 12
years and I know what to do, I'mgood at it.
And they're like would you,you're fine handling alcohol?
I'm like yeah, I can absolutelyhandle the booze and get it all
set up.
I go.
You know I handle dog food.
(35:25):
You know I'm able to like getmy dog's food ready.
You know I don't have anythingabout that, um, and so you know,
like I said, just to kind ofrecap, we're starting the new
stuff, we are getting the brandgoing.
Eventually we're going toprobably do a podcast, retreats,
coaching, and then eventuallythe thing that I'm really
(35:46):
excited about this is eventuallyI'm going to start offering
coaching and programs forfamilies.
And by that I mean you know ifyou're the mother of an addict
or the son of an addict, or thecousin or somebody, or the or
dating an addict, like, how doyou interact with them?
How do you deal with them?
How do you support them?
Um, because a lot of folksdon't know and they think and I
(36:08):
say this as a child of an addictthey think that getting mad at
them is going to be the thingthat makes the difference.
Um, or they think that, youknow, as long as they're in my
house and they're using my house, then that's safe and there's a
yes and no to that.
But I'm here to give them thesupport that they need for that
too, and we're going to event.
I'm going to eventually startgetting that on my Instagram too
, but that's where I'm at rightnow.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yeah, I didn't interrupt you once because I I I
really loved your story.
I think you're so authentic and, like I said, I love what
you're doing out there in theInstagram world.
That's where I see you.
And I grew up very traditional,which then turned very modern
in my 20s and 30s, there was areal shift in my family and I
(36:54):
just have such a heart, for Ibelieve that you know, there has
to be spaces for like-mindedpeople to come together and to
support one another.
So you know I'm not.
I think there's a real need forthis and I am a hundred percent
behind what you're doing.
I think it's great.
So, you know, the more you canget out there and like survey
your people, you know, see whatthey want.
(37:22):
See, see what your.
Instagram followers want Like umsee, as you're just launching
this, you know you, you we'vetalked to pre-record and you
have it all laid out andeverything's in place.
But you have some reallyincredible ideas for the future
and, just like you know, puttingit out there to your followers
and stuff will really give yousome good feedback on what they
would want the most you knowRight Right.
So, yeah, I think you're comingfrom such a genuine place and
(37:44):
the fun factor is what I lovetoo.
You know, one of the highestlistened to episodes on my
podcast was when somebody spokeabout having fun and sobriety
and that we don't get sober tonot and to really just treat
yourself, and to often we oftenspent so much money and the
(38:07):
lifestyle that we previously ledon things that led us down the
wrong path to not limit yourselfand to use those finances for
finances for things you knowthat are going in the right
direction, and um yeah, so Iwish you all the success in the
world, and I'll be watching ifyou could just let people know
where they can find you duringthe week.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
Yeah, so on all platforms as well, on Instagram
threads and Tik TOK, I'm atQueer Recovery,
q-u-e-e-r-r-e-c-o-v-e-r-y, andInstagram and threads is where
I'm really active right now andthen eventually anything I
launch will be directly throughthere.
(38:48):
So if you want to know what'sgoing on, where I'm at, what's
to come, instagram and threadsis where I'm at right now.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
So great, yeah.
And so if we could just end on,if you have anything, one
sentence or one line that youcould say to anyone who is
struggling and would like tofind they're not finding
themselves resonating with anyother sobriety groups.
They're having trouble, they'restruggling, they want to jump
off.
What do you say to them?
Speaker 2 (39:17):
You've got this and you can do it.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
Thanks so much for being here.
I really appreciate you beingon the show.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Jessica, thank you so much for having me.
It's been such a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Thank you for tuning into the Sober Living Stories
podcast.
If you have been inspired,consider subscribing and sharing
with anyone who could use hopein their lives.
Remember to stay tuned for moreinspiring stories in the
episodes to come.
To view our featured author ofthe month or to become a guest
yourself, visitwwwjessicastepanovichcom.
Sobriety isn't about being boring.
It's about embracing life tothe fullest, and nobody knows
that better than my next guest.
His name is Mick and he has theInstagram account at Queer
Recovery, where he kicks shameto the curb and wins over
alcohol.
He's joined you to forgeteverything you thought you knew
about sobriety and help himrewrite the rules.
(00:20):
He's saying goodbye to outdatedrecovery methods and join him
in rewriting the script onrecovery, one fabulous step at a
time.
Welcome to the Sober LivingStories podcast.
This podcast is dedicated tosharing stories of sobriety.
(00:42):
We shine a spotlight onindividuals who have faced the
challenges of alcoholism andaddiction and are today living
out their best lives sober.
Each guest has experiencedincredible transformation and
are here to share their storywith you.
I'm Jessica Stepanovic, yourhost.
Join me each week as guestsfrom all walks of life share
(01:04):
their stories to inspire andprovide hope to those who need
it most.
Welcome to another episode ofthe Sober Living Stories podcast
(01:29):
.
My guest today is Mick Resendez.
Mick is here today to share hispersonal sobriety story and
he's about to launch a newcoaching business for the
LGBTQIA community.
Welcome.
Speaker 2 (01:44):
Mick.
Welcome to the show.
Hey, jessica, thank you so muchfor having me.
I'm very honored to be heretoday.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
I would love for you to take us back and share your
personal sobriety story so thatlisteners can relate, and then
in the end, we'll talk about howyou want to make this into
something to help other people.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
Yeah, absolutely.
So I won't go through the wholefrom when I started to where I
got to, but what I will startwith is the crux of my journey.
So I'm a gay man.
I've been out since I was, Ithink, in ninth grade, 14.
So, I think in ninth grade 14.
(02:29):
So, and this was, you know, thelate nineties, early 2000s.
So, while it is still a verybrave thing to do as a young
person, back then even more so.
I was the only one in my schooland I really embraced my
identity Like I really like wasvery proud of who I was.
I was out to my parents, I wasout to my family, didn't really
get much pushback on it.
I was very fortunate in thatregard.
I grew up in Los Angeles, so Iwouldn't grow up in the middle
(02:51):
of nowhere.
And when I got of age and Ifinally started going out in gay
spaces, in nightclubs andthings like that, in West
Hollywood most specifically,that's when drinking culture
really kind of became veryglamorous and very sexy and fun
and, oh my gosh, look at all thelike inhibitions that I can
(03:15):
allow myself to indulge in.
And so at first, as a young,you know, as a young 21, you
know, I was just getting mybe-legs, so to speak, and
learning to start with all thefruity cocktails and frilly
cocktails.
Then, very early on in my 20s, Ibecame a bartender.
I got a job as a bartender.
(03:36):
My life literally was allalcohol.
I made a ton of friends andit's funny because when I talk
about it I smile because it wassuch a fun time and I it's
almost like in a movie.
You know where I'm like oh, oh,what's coming, what's coming.
(03:57):
You know what I mean.
So I was out all the time.
I had friends that werebartenders.
If I wasn't at their bar theywere at my bar.
But I had a lot of friends andI had a lot of community and I
was going to this party and thatparty and I was doing all the
things and it was so much fun.
(04:18):
And then eventually and I can'treally tell you when, but
eventually it went to a pointwhere it it was like I was just
trying to keep the party goingat all costs and I would, you
know, I would befriend justanybody who is willing to just
(04:41):
keep it going.
Just, you know, it's threeo'clock, four o'clock, five
o'clock in the morning, whatever, we're still going to sleep and
um, you know those were.
Those.
People became my friends and Istill have my other friends from
before.
Um, but a lot of what mydrinking had to do with as I got
older was a because a lot ofthe gay community and I speak
(05:02):
really only from my experience,but I have spoken with enough
people to confidently say thisis the case for many people
within the LGBT communitythere's such an emphasis on
party culture, hookup culture,club culture, going out culture
that you really feel as if thatif you don't do that, if you're
not part of it, then what do youdo?
(05:22):
Or you're like a loser, and Iwas like no, I'm not a loser,
I'm fun, to my own detriment.
I mean, I had people I ruinedbirthday parties.
I've had people throughout theyears just really say to me,
like you know, you got a littlecrazy last night, but at the
(05:43):
same time I don't know if youhave this experience the same
people that would say, oh, yougot a little too, a little too
wasted last night.
We're also the same people that,like, three days later were
like, hey, we're going to happyhour.
So it became such a challengefor me to reconcile.
Well, do I have a problem Causethey say I do, but then like
three days later they'reinviting me back out.
(06:04):
They say I do, but then, likethree days later, they're
inviting me back out.
So at this point in my storyI'm about, I'd say, right around
probably, my 30th birthday,where I kind of slowed things
down a little bit.
I got a dog, so I was like, oh,I'm a dad now.
So I need to tone it down.
Um, so, but, but, as but.
(06:28):
As I got into my 30s and I'msingle this whole time.
No serious relationships.
So then, at that point too, I'mlike, well, where all the heck
am I supposed to meet, you know,a man?
Where am I supposed to, youknow, find a boyfriend?
And intellectually, logically,I'm sure anybody listening to
this podcast that has any sortof issues with addiction or
(06:48):
they're going through it withthemselves or something logic,
does not factor in much in ourminds.
Speaker 1 (06:53):
Correct.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
It's just no logic.
And so I was like, well, that'swhere I'm going to meet him.
I'm going to meet him at a bar.
I don't know where I got thatfrom.
So, and as you get into your30s, this is when people in my
life were having babies, gettingmarried, moving in together,
and I was still, you know, theold queen at the bar dancing,
(07:17):
you know, all night longsloppily, or getting kicked out
or, you know, just making a messof myself and so, and people
were just kind of watching andyou know I would hobble.
I would hobble enough of, youknow, some sober days together.
I'd do a sober October, a dryJanuary.
I'd do it long enough toconvince not only myself but the
(07:38):
people in my life that I'm okay, I have a handle on this and
really, what my problem is and alot of folks too may be over it
it wasn't that I couldn'tfunction without alcohol.
It wasn't like I was one ofthose people that had to go, you
know, before my morning coffee,have, like you know, a shot of
vodka.
It was that once I started, youknow, once I started, at five
(07:58):
o'clock on Friday, we were notending until I passed out.
Finally, sunday night, at likesix o'clock, and so it was all
the stuff that I did in betweenthat that had the repercussions
and everything that were theproblem.
So now we're now we'll get to.
How did I finally get sober?
(08:19):
Well, there's two, you'll seein a moment.
Weddings play a big factor in mysobriety journey, ironically.
So about five years ago yeah,it was five years ago I had a
very good friend, those friendsin your life that really just
(08:42):
you get each other, you get eachother's humor, you can just be
yourself with.
She was finally getting married.
She had this big weddingplanned in Florida.
Um, all of our friends weregoing to be there, everyone's
going to be there.
It's a big wedding.
We rented a huge house,everything, the whole, the whole
things, um, and I got therenight one, totally fine, uh,
(09:04):
then we got to the house on thesecond day and the party started
and I don't really remembermuch of that weekend and I don't
know if I don't know if I'vechosen to forget some of it, but
I the parts I do remember arenot great A lot of fighting, a
lot of arguing, a lot of yelling, not at her, just at other
(09:27):
people.
And then the thing that Iremember most clearly is the
Sunday morning, waking up andjust that, knowing that everyone
in the house was like superpissed at me and that I
essentially was like, well,we're going to go, I'll have a
day here, you should probably goto the airport, even though
(09:48):
your flight's not another eighthours.
And so I got on the plane.
Um, my very last drink I everhad just so appropriate was a
room temperature, two bottles ofroom temperature airplane
Chardonnay with ice.
And I got home and I went tobed.
(10:10):
And then the next morning Iwoke up and I remember the day
very distinctly because it wasthe day that the Notre Dame
church in Paris was on fire.
And I'm not very religious, butI looked at that as some sort
of sign.
Religious, but I looked at thatas some sort of sign.
(10:30):
So at that point, you know, Iknew I had to do something.
But again I'm in the throes ofjust denying that this is not
something I can handle on my own.
So my thought process was well,you know, I have pretty good
health insurance.
I should maybe go to anaddiction specialist.
I'll go to counseling, that'swhat I'll do.
That'll be the thing that'llfix it.
So I found this addiction.
I had an appointment like 10days later.
(10:52):
So I go to this appointment Uh,it's day 13 of my sobriety.
And uh, she's talking to meshe's great, ask me all these
questions.
She's like super shocked that Ijust went cold turkey.
She's like did you get theshakes?
Did you get?
I was like no, I just stopped.
And she's like, oh wow, she'slike I've never really
encountered somebody that justwalks in here, that's just
(11:13):
stopped and didn't have allthese stuff.
I was like, I was like I kind ofdo this all the time.
And she was like, really, Istuff on the computer and I'll
never forget.
She like turns to me veryabruptly and says, okay, so
(11:34):
here's what I think you need todo.
I think you need to do about anine to 12 month inpatient
program.
And I, yeah, exactly.
And I was like, oh, no, no, no,no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm not
.
I'm not an impatient person,I'm not a.
You don't need to like send meaway and do anything.
That's not me.
I'm just here to you know.
I'm just here to you know,figure out why I get so mad when
I drink you know, I want tofigure out what makes me so
(11:54):
angry.
I'm really thankful that somehowI had the insight to be like
okay, she's the professional.
Because you know, as an addict,anytime you get confronted with
somebody else kind of tellingyou the secret that you already
(12:15):
know, you're very like no, no,no, no, no, no, that's just like
I did.
And then you run.
You know, I don't know ifanyone ever watches the show
Intervention, but it's like thesecond they're confronted,
they're no, no, no, that's justlike I did.
And then you run.
You know, I don't know ifanyone ever watches the show
intervention, but it's like thesecond they're confronted,
they're boom out the door.
Speaker 1 (12:30):
Right.
Speaker 2 (12:32):
So I told, well, no, I did not go to the inpatient.
But I told her I was like Idon't think I'm an inpatient
person, I go, I don't think Ineed to be in that structure of
a program.
And so she said, okay, well,let's do an 18 month outpatient.
And so she gave me thestructure it was.
I think I had to go to three oftheir, uh, sobriety meetings so
(12:53):
there's sobriety meetings, notAA meetings, because they don't
follow the steps.
Um, and then I had a counselorI think it was one counseling
meeting a month and then I was,uh, I was to be randomly
screened with a urine test atany time.
It's like accountability yeah,exactly, um, and then I love
(13:15):
shit.
People love this part.
I got really fat.
Speaker 1 (13:21):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
Yeah, I got really fat and uh, everyone's always's
always like oh, did you lose somuch weight and you got thin?
I'm like nope, I gained about55 pounds.
Um, because I just replaceddrinking with food got it and
transferred addictions.
Yeah, I transferred addictionsyeah, yeah, exactly, and it was.
(13:42):
It was so comforting to justhave that in that moment and I
went crazy Like I just ateeverything.
Um, and the thing about thatthat was so empowering
eventually was that you, whenyou're in the throes of drinking
or drug use for me at least,you can see it, but you can't
(14:03):
see it as clearly as when oneday you look in the mirror and
you're like, oh, there's a lotmore in my face here than there
used to be, or these clothesdon't fit me the way they used
to.
And so through those meetingsand through those three, you
know, those first hundred days,I really got the legwork of
(14:25):
where the idea for queerrecovery would eventually come
through.
Um, so I can share a little bitnow.
Now, how does that come about?
Because now we're about three,about three and a half, four
years ago.
So, as I mentioned at thebeginning of my story, a lot of
my drinking was from going outand partying and clubbing, and
(14:46):
so, fortunately, I did meet somereally great people that I'm
still friends with, one of whichis a friend of mine who got
married or was getting marriedin Ibiza in Spain, and he called
me and said I really would likeyou to.
He did.
I think I've maybe lied orsomething at some point and said
(15:07):
oh, I'm a fish, I'm anofficiant, I can officiate
weddings.
But somewhere along the line hegot it in his head that I can
officiate weddings.
So he called me and he's like Ireally want you to come to
Ibiza and officiate my wedding.
So I mean, I'm not going toturn down a trip to Ibiza Like
that's just not, that's notgonna happen.
Speaker 1 (15:25):
But you really weren't able to do that, so that
wasn't really.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Oh no, I made sure I I don't know I got us.
I got ordained.
I was like I'm not there.
Oh, yes, thank you.
I was like I got ordained, Idid what I needed to do and then
, um, about two months afterthat, he, he and I are talking,
going over a few things and he'slike hey, I just want to let
you know I am very proud of youfor your sobriety and what
(15:50):
you're doing, cause I didn'ttell him.
Oh, that's part of it.
I didn't tell anybody for aboutfour months that I was getting
sober or that I was sober.
I didn't tell anybody.
Yeah, for two reasons One, if Ifelt, if I decided to start
drinking again, I didn't wantthat to be used against me.
You know, I want people to belike see, like you couldn't even
look at you, you're total drunk.
You couldn't even be sober fortwo months or whatever.
(16:11):
Um, but also, I think the the.
I think the other part of itwas I, just if I had a hard
enough time admitting it tomyself I always likened the
journey of coming out as a soberperson as like when I came out
of the closet as a gay man.
Right, because for a long timeI knew I was gay, I just wasn't
(16:34):
quite sure how to word it.
And then I finally got it.
And then I came out to myself.
And then I didn't come out.
I mean, obviously, my friends,it was a little easier, but I
didn't come out to like myfamily.
And so, you know, a coupleyears after I came out to my
friends, it was a little easier,but I didn't come out to like
my family.
And so, you know, a coupleyears after I came out to my
friends, um, because I justwasn't sure how to identify with
being a sober person, I didn'tknow what that meant because to
(16:57):
me and my dad, uh, was analcoholic and he, he said I'm a
drunk alcoholics go to meetings.
So anyway, I'm on the phonewith my friend about his wedding
and he says you know, there'sgoing to be a lot of booze here,
are you okay with that?
(17:18):
And I said, well, and he's likeI can get you, like I can sit
you at a I can sit with like thekids table, I can do like
whatever you need, but I wantyou to know that that's going to
be.
And I was like no, no, no, it'stotally fine, totally fine.
Because then at that point I'mstill.
Sobriety is still very new tome, so I'm not it's, I'm not
thinking about it in that way.
(17:39):
So we fast forward, we go to, uh, we go.
We go to Spain.
We get there, everything's fine.
And one of the things that Idid do is one of my friends that
I traveled with.
She's not a big drinker anyway,but I was like I need just, if
I need to go, if I need to getmyself out of a situation, I
need you to just come with me,no questions asked.
She's like totally fine.
(17:59):
So that was one of the firstthings that you know whenever
anyone asks me exactly, thingsthat you know whenever anyone
asks me exactly.
Whenever anyone's like what doI do?
I'm like you got to get thatone person that your point was
just as you said.
You know that if you're in asituation, get yourself out of
there and that they'll go withyou regardless.
Um, so we get to the.
We get to.
He rented this villa and a visaand it was gorgeous and so
(18:22):
glamorous, and blah, blah, blah.
And so we're there and the nextmorning everything's getting
set up and, sure enough, part ofthe centerpieces are these very
fancy bottles of tequila, andhe says he goes, are you sure?
He's like I have you sittingright in the middle of this
Cause?
He did this big family stylelong table and he's like I have
you sitting right in the middle,across from me.
I want you as close to me aspossible, but he's like dude,
(18:49):
the part of the wedding giftsare shot glasses Like he's
literally just making sure thatI'm so okay.
It was so endearing.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
And I was like no, I'm totally fine.
Speaker 2 (18:58):
Everything went fine, the wedding was fine, I got so
many compliments, it was great,it gets the reception.
And sure enough, you know,europeans can drink.
They have a whole differentrelationship with alcohol than
Americans do, and I actuallyquite admire it.
And they're like why aren't youdrinking, why aren't you
drinking, why aren't youdrinking?
And I was like, oh, you know,I'm just trying this sober thing
and I, you know, we have anearly flight tomorrow.
(19:19):
I was just kind of goingthrough all these different
excuses and it was one, andfinally different excuses and it
was one.
And finally, later on that nightI really thought about it and
one of the things that I brandmyself as is anti AA.
And I want to be clear, beforeI jump into the rest of the
story, that I'm not against AAin any shape or form.
It works for so many people,but there's not an alternative
(19:45):
for those that it doesn't lookfor.
And so when I was in Ibiza thatI have found, I should say, and
when I was in Ibiza I remembersitting there, I was like, you
know, if I was in AA, I may havehad to have left.
This party found a meeting, youknow, get myself there, do all
these things and for me and theway I wanted to live my life, I
(20:06):
was like that's just not a thingI really want to do and this
doesn't work for me.
There's not that I don't wantto have to go through all that
planning and do all that legworkto stay sober, so I've got to
figure out a way to own mysobriety, the way that I own
what hand I write with rightlike it's just not a big deal,
(20:27):
and that's where the firstlittle seeds of what queer
recovery would eventually become.
And then, of course, thepandemic happened about five
months after that and I hadnothing to do but think about
being sober, and and so that,and I celebrated my first year
of sobriety, the first month oflockdown.
Uh, and that was veryconfronting too, because I was
(20:53):
literally in the environmentthat I had so long struggled to
avoid my house.
I had just moved to a new cityright before that trip to Spain,
and I knew nobody, so I wascompletely alone.
And that was that.
And again, if I had, if I hadbeen really dependent I mean I
(21:16):
don't know how people did it,but if I had been really
dependent on a regular meetingor something.
You know, there was like threeor four weeks where we didn't
know what was going on beforethings finally got on zoom.
So it really got me againthinking like, how do you do
this on your own?
Now I'm not saying and we'lltalk more about queer recovery
in a minute but how do youempower yourself on your own so
(21:39):
that when these things arehappening, you really you're
solid in your sobriety, withoutother stuff, so that the other
stuff, that you're solid in yoursobriety, without other stuff,
so that the other stuff thatyou're doing meetings or
whatever are complimentary andalmost like icing on the cake
for what you're able to do foryourself.
So that's the journey.
And then that brings us rightup to when queer recovery got
started.
But just to kind of round upthat whole story, you know I had
(22:02):
a lot of fun.
I would say I had more funduring my partying days than I
didn't.
But the lasting effects of thenot fun times is what ultimately
led to me choosing sobriety,because I'd wrecked so many
relationships and I mean I'vebeen arrested, hospitalized.
(22:24):
Um, you know, I got, I had anSTD scare.
I mean I had all sorts of justhuge red flags.
Throughout the time I've beenhospitalized twice.
So you know, but it wasn'tuntil that wedding when I had
all my friends basically be likewe just can't deal with you, we
don't know who we're going toget and it's not worth it for us
(22:44):
anymore.
But I was like all right, wegot to look at what's going on
here.
So that's the sobriety journeyand it's been really cool.
The last five years has beenreally really cool Kind of
reintroducing myself to myselfcool kind of reintroducing
myself to myself.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Let's take a moment to hear a recovery story from
one of my sponsors.
At the age of 25, recentlymarried and a new father, jack
found himself in a Texas rehabfacility detoxing After 10 years
of addiction.
He was finally able to admitthat it was time to get help.
Not only did Soberlink allowhim to be accountable and track
his sobriety, soberlink allowedJack to prove to himself and
(23:24):
others that he could make thechange he had always hoped for.
Soberlink is the portablesobriety tracker taking the
recovery world by storm.
It has built-in facialrecognition sensors that detect
cheating and instant resultssent to contacts.
It's the number oneaccountability tool for keeping
yourself honest and rebuildingtrust.
(23:44):
Visit wwwsoberlinkcom backslashsober dash living and check out
the show notes to click thelink and receive $50 off your
device today.
Now back to our guest.
So relatable, and you just hitme in the heart because I was
like wait a second, there issomething with weddings Because
(24:08):
I am sitting here remembering Ijust recently spoke to a friend
I've had since the third grade,but there was a period of time
we didn't speak for like 10 plusyears and the very last night
was at a wedding when I didn'tthink that I did anything so
unusual, but they had adifferent take on that, you know
, and you have to listen to thatand I think ultimately it's
(24:31):
like, for whatever reason, we'reokay with hurting ourselves in
some respect with alcohol, butwhen it hurts others, I know for
me.
It got my attention and I waslike, wow, you know, this isn't,
this isn't just about me, it'saffecting other people now and
that's when I made a change, soI appreciate you being just so
(24:51):
honest and sharing all that.
It's really really good.
And so, yeah, I really I caughtyour Instagram, I've been
watching it and I love it.
And so it's at Queer Recovery,and if you could just talk us
through that.
I know you are thinking aboutlaunching some things.
You have some good ideas forthe future.
If you want to share some ofthose now, I mean, that'd be
(25:12):
great.
Speaker 2 (25:13):
Yeah, absolutely so.
Queer Recovery started in thepandemic.
And when I say it started inthe pandemic, and when I say it
started the pandemic, it wassimply uh like week 18 and I had
nothing to do and so, um, andthis was when this was, I mean,
(25:35):
we were past the uh, foamycoffee phase, I think.
Tiger king, tiger King, wasphased out, people were over
making sourdough, it waspre-protests, so there was just
really not much going on.
Speaker 1 (25:48):
It was a blank space, yeah it was just a blank space.
But the pandemic that seriouslydid change a lot for everybody
and how they couldn't show upanymore, so it forced people to
think of alternatives and thisis where this whole thing was
born.
So, like I'm not surprised,like it, yeah, so go ahead.
Speaker 2 (26:06):
Yeah, and so what I created and I mean, I called
everybody, I cleaned out myclosets, like you know.
I've done everything, and so,finally, I was just like you
know what?
I need to have some sort ofstructure in my day.
I can't just sit around andwatch, you know, reruns of old
reality shows anymore.
Um, and so what I did is Icreated this what I called live
(26:26):
at five, and I think I stole thename from the simpsons or
something, but it started out asevery monday, wednesday and
friday at five o'clock, I wouldjust go live on instagram and I
would just talk as I would do,as I am right now, and it it was
just.
It was just a stream ofconsciousness and the first I
think maybe five or six of themwere just me talking about
(26:48):
sobriety and my opinions on itand I just kind of opined.
And you know, the first two waslike my mom and, you know,
maybe a couple of friends, andthat was it.
But eventually I startedgetting you know 10, 12 people
and there were maybe four orfive of them that would ask me
questions or have you know, saythank you for sharing, and so I
(27:11):
was like, hmm, there's gotta besomething that I'm, because for
me, I'm just me, I'm justtalking you know, as as I'm
talking to you right now, aspeople are listening, I'm just
talking.
So when people hear things, whenI get that feedback, I'm like,
oh, I mean I'm not talking rightnow, like, oh, this is
something, someone's going toget something out of this.
I mean that's my hope.
And so that's how careerrecovery was born and I started
(27:35):
talking about and it was the.
It was the.
It was the episode, I guess Iwould call it, where I started
talking about how AA didn't workfor me, and I'll share a little
bit about that, because that'sreally how we go back.
So, very long story short is Ihad a court-ordered AA meeting,
as many of us recovering addictsmay have been to in our
(27:55):
lifetimes, and I got a DUI and Iwent into this meeting and I
got a DUI and I went into thismeeting and I don't remember and
I will acknowledge that Iprobably remember this
inaccurately, but what I doremember is the feeling I was
left with, and I think that'sreally what's important, because
I went into the meeting andsomehow I was talking to
somebody and now that I thinkabout it, it was probably one of
(28:18):
those like those people, thosemeetings for people that have
have 10 plus years under theirbelt.
So you have this little gayparty boy coming in and he's
like I'm coming to this becauseI got a DUI.
And this guy was like well,you're not here for the right
reasons.
Now, as a person that's nowfive years sober, I can
understand where that commentwould come from.
(28:40):
But at the same time, at thattime.
I thought to myself well, I'mobviously here because
something's put me here.
I have 100,000 other thingsbetter to do than to be in an AA
meeting.
I would probably put paying mytaxes above being in this
meeting, and so for this personto then tell me that I shouldn't
(29:03):
be there, I mean I tell peopleall the time you don't need to
give an addict a reason to useLike, we'll find it ourselves.
So I just was like, screw this,I don't have to do this.
And so I left, and at thatmoment I was like I don't see
what's so great about thesemeetings If this is how I'm
being treated.
(29:23):
I mean it's such a I mean, whenI say it out loud, it's just
such a selfish, self-righteous,very addict way of looking at
the world.
Speaker 1 (29:30):
Right right.
Speaker 2 (29:33):
And I've talked to so many of my friends and people
that I know that are in AA andthey're like I'm so sorry that
you had that experience, blah,blah, blah, sure.
And I'm thankful that I have itbecause it gave me the insight
to say, okay, where's the spacefor not only people that don't
vibe with AA, but now you've gotthe whole LGBTQIA plus
community and when I talk to myfriends in my community, the
(29:58):
first thing that they talk aboutis that they don't vibe with
the God aspect of AA and they'relike.
You know, I have friends thatare like I just ignore that part
.
Anytime God comes up, I justkind of ignore that part.
Speaker 1 (30:12):
And I've done a little.
Speaker 2 (30:12):
I mean, I haven't done a ton of my research just
yet, but I did recently find andI think it was Russell Brand,
so take this with a grain ofsalt, but he was talking about.
It's not like a Christian God.
It can be whatever God you want, but that right there.
For queer recovery and me, thepremise is that you have to
believe in God or a God, which Ido, but there's those that
(30:36):
don't.
So what happens with those folks?
Where do those folks go?
I haven't found an answer.
So I am creating queer recoveryfor that.
Now am I saying whole seriescoming up?
That I'm working on a wholeseries?
It makes it sound like it's aTV show, but I have a series of
(31:05):
posts for Instagram that arecoming up that really dives into
how advertising is reallyfocuses.
You know, we have pride monthcoming up in June.
You're going to start seeingbeer bottles that are rainbow.
You're going to start seeingvodka bottles that have rainbows
.
You're going to start seeinglesbian couples on
advertisements, gay couples,trans.
You're going to start seeingall these different people and
(31:27):
they're marketing towards that.
That's.
You know, that's that's whatthey do.
But you're marketing somethingto a group that's already at a
higher risk of developingaddiction.
I mean LGBT young people have a20 to I believe it's 20 to 30%.
Get at me and hit my DMs if I'mwrong.
I have a 20% to 30% higher rateof addiction than non-LGBT
(31:52):
young people.
So there's a higher risk.
We're pushing it towards mycommunity more and there's not
an alternative.
And when there's not analternative, people just do
nothing, I find, because peoplebelieve that it's hard to be
sober, and I'm not going to sayit's easy, but it's not
(32:13):
insurmountable.
There are things that are wayharder to do and if you go into
something saying, oh this is sohard, I can't do this, well,
guess what you can't.
So that's where I'm comingalong and my whole purpose and,
as you've said as much, I wantsobriety to be fun.
It's a serious subject but it'sfun.
(32:35):
You can have fun.
You don't have to completelylose yourself.
Sobriety is not getting alobotomy.
It's about enjoying your life.
And again, as I said, I wasjust at a wedding this last
weekend and I had a blast and I,you know, I always joke.
I'm like I am so much morefunny now that I'm sober because
they're all drinking and I justsay whatever, and they're like
(32:55):
you are hilarious, you are sowhatever, and they're like you
are hilarious, you are so funny,and I'm like this is my B
material.
So you know, and so where I'mat right now that your audience
knows that I'm in the verybeginning.
So we're.
When I say we, I am creatingcontent, I'm getting my voice
out there.
That's why I'm here speakingwith you today.
(33:16):
I'm out there really sharingwho I am, creating content.
I'm getting my voice out there.
That's why I'm here speakingwith you today.
I'm out there really sharingwho I am and what I'm up to with
the world and eventually we'regoing to be and I'm saying
eventually, within the nextprobably six weeks, we're going
to be launching coaching as thebusiness.
I'm going to be taking onclients.
I am going to be looking for afew more of what I'm calling
(33:38):
beta clients people where I'mtesting out my program so that I
can see what really works.
I want to include a groupaspect to it, which I know is so
funny because I'm like, soanti-AA.
What about meetings?
But it's the same but different.
Eventually we're going to doretreats and you know I'm I'm
I'm looking at having a podcasttoo, because, as you can see, I
(34:00):
can very long winded and I thinkbeing able to just talk is
going to be a really powerfulplatform which, uh, if I do
choose to do that, I'd love tohave you on Um.
But that's queer recovery.
You know, it's about embracingsobriety, enjoying it.
There's no like disappearingthe shame.
(34:21):
You know, I always tell peoplethat the hashtag for queer
recovery is sober, not vegan,which I was a vegan for three
years.
It's sober, not vegan, becausethere's a joke I don't know if
you've ever heard, but it goes.
Have you ever met a vegan?
No, don't worry, if you everheard, but it goes.
Have you ever met a vegan?
No, don't worry, they'll tellyou.
(34:41):
And so and so with with sobriety.
You know, at this wedding andwith this wedding I was at this
weekend people were like wedon't seem sober and it just.
And, as I said before, myjourney of sobriety, my journey
of like my queerness and beinggay, has been very similar,
because I remember people sayyou don't seem like a gay person
to me.
And it's funny because I knowwhat people mean when they say
(35:03):
things like that.
I can't explain it, but I knowwhat they mean and I take that
as a compliment.
You know, like I told peoplethey're like oh, you're at this
wedding, but you were talking tothe bartender, you helped
setting the bar up and I waslike I was a bartender for 12
years and I know what to do, I'mgood at it.
And they're like would you,you're fine handling alcohol?
I'm like yeah, I can absolutelyhandle the booze and get it all
set up.
I go.
You know I handle dog food.
(35:25):
You know I'm able to like getmy dog's food ready.
You know I don't have anythingabout that, um, and so you know,
like I said, just to kind ofrecap, we're starting the new
stuff, we are getting the brandgoing.
Eventually we're going toprobably do a podcast, retreats,
coaching, and then eventuallythe thing that I'm really
(35:46):
excited about this is eventuallyI'm going to start offering
coaching and programs forfamilies.
And by that I mean you know ifyou're the mother of an addict
or the son of an addict, or thecousin or somebody, or the or
dating an addict, like, how doyou interact with them?
How do you deal with them?
How do you support them?
Um, because a lot of folksdon't know and they think and I
(36:08):
say this as a child of an addictthey think that getting mad at
them is going to be the thingthat makes the difference.
Um, or they think that, youknow, as long as they're in my
house and they're using my house, then that's safe and there's a
yes and no to that.
But I'm here to give them thesupport that they need for that
too, and we're going to event.
I'm going to eventually startgetting that on my Instagram too
, but that's where I'm at rightnow.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
Yeah, I didn't interrupt you once because I I I
really loved your story.
I think you're so authentic and, like I said, I love what
you're doing out there in theInstagram world.
That's where I see you.
And I grew up very traditional,which then turned very modern
in my 20s and 30s, there was areal shift in my family and I
(36:54):
just have such a heart, for Ibelieve that you know, there has
to be spaces for like-mindedpeople to come together and to
support one another.
So you know I'm not.
I think there's a real need forthis and I am a hundred percent
behind what you're doing.
I think it's great.
So, you know, the more you canget out there and like survey
your people, you know, see whatthey want.
(37:22):
See, see what your.
Instagram followers want Like umsee, as you're just launching
this, you know you, you we'vetalked to pre-record and you
have it all laid out andeverything's in place.
But you have some reallyincredible ideas for the future
and, just like you know, puttingit out there to your followers
and stuff will really give yousome good feedback on what they
would want the most you knowRight Right.
So, yeah, I think you're comingfrom such a genuine place and
(37:44):
the fun factor is what I lovetoo.
You know, one of the highestlistened to episodes on my
podcast was when somebody spokeabout having fun and sobriety
and that we don't get sober tonot and to really just treat
yourself, and to often we oftenspent so much money and the
(38:07):
lifestyle that we previously ledon things that led us down the
wrong path to not limit yourselfand to use those finances for
finances for things you knowthat are going in the right
direction, and um yeah, so Iwish you all the success in the
world, and I'll be watching ifyou could just let people know
where they can find you duringthe week.
Speaker 2 (38:27):
Yeah, so on all platforms as well, on Instagram
threads and Tik TOK, I'm atQueer Recovery,
q-u-e-e-r-r-e-c-o-v-e-r-y, andInstagram and threads is where
I'm really active right now andthen eventually anything I
launch will be directly throughthere.
(38:48):
So if you want to know what'sgoing on, where I'm at, what's
to come, instagram and threadsis where I'm at right now.
Speaker 1 (38:54):
So great, yeah.
And so if we could just end on,if you have anything, one
sentence or one line that youcould say to anyone who is
struggling and would like tofind they're not finding
themselves resonating with anyother sobriety groups.
They're having trouble, they'restruggling, they want to jump
off.
What do you say to them?
Speaker 2 (39:17):
You've got this and you can do it.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
Thanks so much for being here.
I really appreciate you beingon the show.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Jessica, thank you so much for having me.
It's been such a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (39:32):
Thank you for tuning into the Sober Living Stories
podcast.
If you have been inspired,consider subscribing and sharing
with anyone who could use hopein their lives.
Remember to stay tuned for moreinspiring stories in the
episodes to come.
To view our featured author ofthe month or to become a guest
yourself, visitwwwjessicastepanovichcom.
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On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!