Coloring Book of Grief

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Grief rarely follows the patterns we imagine it will, often surprising us with unexpected moments of both pain and comfort that defy our expectations. Our personal experiences with grief become like unique coloring books that reflect our individual journeys rather than conforming to society's expectations.

• Childhood memories of a beloved sister who colored outside the lines
• How grief rarely stays within the boundaries we expect
• The unexpected comfort found in sensory memories after loved ones pass
• Finding peace in our own personal "grief books" with all their unique patterns
• Discovering that what we miss most about our loved ones often surprises us


Listen every Friday on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and Amazon Music for spiritual direction, art, and workshops shared through Santa Clara University, https://events.scu.edu/markey-center/event/344943-spiritual-accompaniment

You can reach us at: [e-mail].
SPIRITUAL DIRECTION WHILE GRIEVING IS AVAILABLE

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https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0F2SFH4Z6

Music and sound effects today by:   via Pixabay

Episode Transcript

Candee (00:26):
Welcome to Solace
I'm glad you're here.
My name is Candee Lucas.
I'm a grief chaplain and aspiritual director.
When we founded this ministrynearly five years ago, we wanted
to be available for people whohave suffered any kind of loss,

(00:47):
because the grief journey is socomplex, because we have so many
things in life that we need toprocess through loss, that I
wanted to be available in thisformat for people to review and
revisit as time goes by.
We're all on this grief journeytogether and you're always

(01:13):
welcome in this circle ofhealing, love and support.
This episode is dedicated to myyounger sister, Chris.
She knows why.

(01:45):
When I was a child, I wasgrowing up with two sisters.
A nd getting a new coloringbook was one of the greatest
adventures I can remember fromthat time.
We all felt that way and wetreasured and coveted our own

(02:11):
coloring books, wanting to makethem perfect.
I particularly started on pageone and wanted to work through
page one, page two, page three,and I would carefully color
inside the lines, and in thoseearly days it was very important
that the trees were green, thesky was blue, the sun was yellow

(02:35):
.
But my youngest sister, who'sseven years younger than me.
So say, I'm 11, doing mycoloring books?
Yes, I'm sure I did them aslate as 11.
And my four-year-old sistergets a hold of my coloring book,
despite my, I'm sure, puttingit in a very safe place.

(03:00):
And what does she do?
Not only does she color outsidethe lines, she makes the sky
green and the trees red and thebushes yellow.
And I come upon this coloringbook with her very free and open

(03:23):
interpretations, and my heartis broken.
Because in my mind, mycoloring book has been ruined.
Somebody has colored outsidethe lines, oh my goodness.
And so, rather than seek toremedy this in another way, in

(03:50):
any other way coloring over it,tearing out that page, turning
her drawing into somethingdifferent, I oftentimes would
just throw away the book.
Now I realize, because I didnot grow up to be a
perfectionist, that it hadnothing to do with that.

(04:11):
It had to do with the fact thatI had so treasured this object
I wanted to make it mine, Iwanted to make it very personal
as to me and I wanted it to bemy own personal treasure, the
way I imagined it.
Now I'm sure my sister just sawcolors and went --Yay, I can do

(04:38):
this, I can make the sky green,etc.
-- But her brain was sevenyears younger than my brain, so
you know we didn't see thingsthe same way.
I tell this story because Ithink it's a perfect example of
how we see grief.
Before we have experienced thefirst important loss of a loved

(05:03):
one, maybe we imagine what griefwill be like.
Maybe we even imagine the deathof a loved one, an important
loved one, a parent, a sibling,a grandparent, a friend, and we
kind of in our minds, rehearseit.
And we kind of in our mindsrehearse it.

(05:26):
Stephen King often sayssomething to the effect of -- we
like to practice with horrorstories, those things that are
so unimaginable in life, so thatthey won't be so traumatic to
us--.
Words to that effect.
I think there's something tothat, definitely.

(05:47):
But back to the coloring books.
My grief coloring book didn'tlook at all like I thought it
would.
I came to grieve things I didn'teven know or didn't anticipate
I'd even have in my life.

(06:09):
I understood after importantpeople died that there were
things I missed of them, that Inever even knew: the smell of
my grandfather.
T hat I never even knew thesmell of my grandfather who

(06:32):
smoked incessantly In life.
I couldn't stand that smell.
But after he died and I got awhiff of his clothes or his
chair or something in the house,that smell, that cigarette

(06:53):
smell, brought me so muchcomfort and I thought how
strange is that?
Likewise, my grandmother usedto fry chicken every Sunday and
she made this ridiculous saladand I thought how strange is
that?
Made of --I'm not making thisup-- iceberg lettuce, bananas,

(07:15):
marshmallows and Miracle Whip.
That's a real recipe from Iowa.
I ate that stuff up as a childlike it was manna from heaven.
I loved it.
I never got to like her friedchicken that much, but I loved
that salad and today, evendescribing it here, it kind of

(07:42):
makes me a little nauseous toeven think about that
combination, but I miss hersalad.
Speaking of smells, I miss thesmell of my mother the most.
After she died I kept a bottleof her perfume (the one she wore

(08:09):
most often that I didn'tparticularly like) but it
reminded me so much of her thatI kept that bottle for a long,
long time.
Okay, I admit it, I still haveit and she's been dead almost 30

(08:30):
years.
B ut it was more a time frommy childhood.
Once I got sick in school and Iwas only in kindergarten, so I
was still very small and ourschool was only a block away.

(08:51):
So she came to school to takeme home and she wrapped me in a
yellow wool blanket and carriedme all the way home.
I don't know what happened tothat blanket If I still had it
I'd be sleeping with it all thetime.
But I did manage to purchase ayellow wool blanket when I grew

(09:15):
up, and it has the same smellalmost.
It doesn't have the smell ofher skin, which I can still
bring to mind if I concentrate,and what could be more
reassuring than the smell ofyour mother?

(09:42):
So my grief coloring bookdoesn't look at all like I
thought it would.
Sometimes the skies are greenand sometimes the skies are very
gray, and sometimes the flowersgrowing in the garden are

(10:04):
fantastical colors, and so Itake this lesson from my little
sister.
Sometimes we color outside thelines, sometimes our grief is
outside the lines.

(10:25):
It's where we find it and wherewe go with the memories.
It's our coloring book, it'sour grief book.
It's so very much our own, ourown personal treasure, and we

(10:47):
thank God for that and for allthe lives that colored therein.
That concludes another episode.
A new one drops every Friday.

(11:07):
You can find us on Spotify,Amazon and Apple Music.
Remember, be gentle toyourselves.
Travel with God always at yourside.
Vaya con Dios.