Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
What is a foundationalrelationship tool?
That's not really a tool.
This is one of the mostimportant things.
I teach couples, especiallythose who fight a lot.
So the concept is we have adoor, a and we have a door B.
And we want to go through doorB.
welcome everyone.
(00:20):
This is healthy relationshipsecrets for parents.
The podcast had saves theirrelationship from parenthood.
My mission is to help parentshave a thriving relationship and
be great parents at the sametime.
My name is Jason H.
Polk and I've worked at Reallywith couples is a therapist and
coach for over nine years onthis podcast.
I share my experienceprofessionally and personally,
(00:41):
and as well as those of ouramazing guests.
Let's get to it There's aprovocative quote I want to
share here.
And this is from Terry real anda lot of this concept of door, a
door B is from Terry real.
I want to give him credit.
The question is you can expressyourself with no containing
boundary.
Or you can work towards asolution, but you can't do both.
(01:06):
And I'm going to get into thatlater.
To do our part in ourrelationship.
We need to create space fromwhen we are triggered.
To our response because whenwe're triggered, let's face it,
we don't care about relationshiptools.
We can do all the relationshipworkshops we want.
(01:26):
But if we don't work with theparts of us, they get triggered.
Then there's no point becauseagain, when we're triggered.
We do not care aboutrelationship tools.
The only thing we care about isself protection.
It's me.
I'm right.
You're wrong?
Go screw yourself.
And chances are, you know, what.
(01:48):
We know what I'm talking about.
And when we're triggered, Terryreel describes this as the
whoosh feeling.
And again, in this state ofmind, all bets are off.
And we are in our lower limbicnervous system.
And the part of us that makes usa functional adult, the
prefrontal cortex.
(02:08):
Is offline.
And in a way, it's almost likewe're, we're drunk.
And we will do our safe things.
Then we don't really mean.
And we think we're entitled todo or say whatever we want to.,
to tell our partner how bad theysuck with no filter.
cause a lot of times we thinkthat we are the victim and our
(02:30):
partner is the a-hole.
And this stance I just shared.
Describes a lot of the femaleclients I work with in a
heterosexual relationship.
Now this is not all femaleclients and I'm speaking
generally.
Most of the time.
The female claims in my officemost of the time, but those who
take this stance, maybe I shouldsay that.
(02:52):
They have taken pardon my Frenchsome shit from their partner.
And then as a result, they oftenrespond with unfiltered anger.
Most of the time they feelunheard and dismissed.
And so they feel entitled toquote.
Offend from the victim position,unquote.
That is not the best way tocommunicate: you hurt me.
(03:13):
So I'm going to hurt you.
Terry real, his wife, Belindareal calls that.
A perverse form ofcommunication.
At moments like this, I willvalidate the female client here
because her husband is nothearing her and is dismissive
towards her.
And usually there's a little bitof judgment there.
(03:34):
The husband has a stance of, ohgosh.
I'm so logical clear headed.
You're so emotional.
Oh, my gosh, I can't believeyou're doing this.
You may or may not know what I'mtalking about.
And I'll say something to thefemale client here.
Like it's obvious that he isdismissive.
He's not hearing you.
(03:54):
He's judgmental by calling youtoo emotional.
That must be really painful.
That he's doing that to you.
And I would add this.
Here's the big end.
And how you're going aboutstanding up for yourself is
setting you two back.
And keeping you to in conflict.
And going back to the scene.
(04:15):
I mentioned earlier.
You can express yourself with nofilter or you can work towards a
solution, but you can't do both.
And keeping this even.
For a male clients, usually whenthey're triggered.
Their initial knee jerk reactionis shut down in some form.
They may leave the situation.
(04:35):
They may Stonewall, whichstonewalling is being next to
your partner and being behind awall that is, you're not really
taking anything in.
And you're definitely notletting anything out.
It's shut down.
And usually the flavor of thatStonewall.
It's a great.
(04:56):
Here we go again.
What is it this time?
Uh, you're not over this yet.
That flavor will make the femalepartner here.
And this is an example.
And it's as often reverse tofemale partner can do this.
The male partner can be the onewho's upset.
But the partner who wasreceiving the stonewalling.
(05:19):
It almost makes them want toturn the volume up even more.
Oh, yeah, you can't hear me now.
Now can you hear me now?
Can you hear me?
Um, And the anger gets louderand louder.
And I try to coach those who arestonewalling in the moment.
With the advice.
Have you tried listening to heror being curious about where
(05:40):
she's coming from?
But realistic.
If someone has shut down likethis.
Um, they're not in a head spaceto do something like that.
You know, they don't have enoughbandwidth to use the
relationship tool because theyare in their lower limbic
system.
And they don't have thebandwidth.
To be a functional adult as wecall it.
(06:04):
And so what we have to do is wehave to cultivate space from
when they're triggered to theirresponse.
And the first thing you got todo in order to do this is to be
aware of what your usualresponse is.
And like I mentioned, we callthis door a door a is our same
old, same old.
It is our knee jerk reaction.
(06:26):
And that is either fight flightor fix.
Some of us have a one, twocombo.
For example, my door a is fight.
And then flight.
And I passively aggressivelywithdraw with the best of them.
If I'm tired, I'm more likely togo through door a for example,
(06:48):
if it's the end of the day andI'm tired and I see the places
messy.
I want to tell my wife to puther freaking clothes away.
However, if I said it in thatmanner, she would get defensive
and probably tell me.
The huge long list of all thestuff that she's doing for the
family.
And she would feel judged andthat's actually one of her
criticisms of me.
(07:09):
Is that I can be judgemental.
I can be on my high horse.
Oh, I'm the therapist, coach.
I know everything.
But let's be real as more ofthat kind of.
Entitled male judgment.
Uh, my indulgence inpatriarchy., but that's a whole
different topic altogether.
But let's play this out.
Say I do go through Door A I'dtell her.
(07:32):
What the hell you been doing allday?
This place is a wreck.
And she works from home by theway.
If I said that she would getdefensive and say, really.
I've been working all day doingour daughter's laundry and the
same time managing our budget.
And oh yeah, I signed ourdaughter up for gymnastics.
(07:54):
Then this is where my passiveaggressive withdrawal comes in.
I would probably say somethinglike, oh yeah, whatever.
See, I can't say anything toyou.
And then I'd shut down for acouple of days or longer.
And it would be really icy athome.
So that's, if I go through doora.
There's a good possibility ofthat happening.
(08:14):
Going through door B isessentially.
Not going through door a.
As being aware of my knee jerkreaction to in a way pick a
fight, via judgment.
And do the opposite.
Or at the least.
Not opening my mouth.
Or if I'm going to shut down,I'm going to take appropriate
space.
So for example, Going using thissame scenario, if I'm tired and
(08:39):
triggered, when I get home and Isee the mess, this is my door B,
and this is what I really do.
I literally tell myself.
Jason shut up.
Don't say anything..
Then if I get a good night'ssleep.
And I want to.
Talk about the mess.
I do.
So when I'm in a centered stateof mind, And maybe something
(09:02):
like, you know, dear I'venoticed the place has been messy
of late.
Let's revisit our chore list.
Doesn't that sound better thanwhat the freaky been doing all
day.
You know, My door when I'mtriggered is to pick a fight via
judgment.
But if I can cultivate spacefrom when I'm triggered to my
(09:25):
response.
The relationship is going to bein a better place it's in my
best interest And sometimes it'sjust putting a limit on what we
say.
It's cultivating a containingboundary.
Being cognizant of what I letout my mouth.
So if your door a is fight.
Basically, what you do is lowdown and think to yourself.
(09:49):
Maybe I can hold off, expressingmyself with no filter and wait
until I'm calmed down.
If you do that.
That will have huge dividends inyour relationship.
Especially if your knee jerkreaction is fight.
If your door a is flight.
What you do is take appropriatespace.
For example, say you'retriggered you.
(10:11):
Find yourself stonewalling.
You find yourself wanting toleave.
I want you to do so, because Ithink space is so important.,
but say something like, you knowwhat?
I need to walk around the block.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
It's also important that youcome back when you said you
would.
So come back and have 20minutes.
Explanation, mark.
That's really important.
(10:32):
Otherwise, it's not appropriatespace.
Going back to the quote Imentioned.
I can express myself or I canwork towards a solution.
I can't do both.
Of course has the time forexpressing.
You know, expressing.
How the mess makes me feel.
But I need to do so when I'm nottriggered.
So essentially what we're doing.
Is cultivating space space fromone more triggered to our
(10:55):
response.
We're not going through Door A.
Whether that's fight flight orfix, and a quick note on fix the
way I look at fix is thatdesperate energy of, oh my gosh.
Oh my gosh.
Things are not right.
What do I do?
What do I do?
How can I fix it?
And we may compromise ourselvesin order to try to make things
right.
Another way I look at fix.
(11:15):
Hey, whatever.
Everything's okay.
There's nothing to worry about.
C'mon let's just be happy.
It sounds silly now saying it,but that can lead to a partner,
not feeling heard.
And so.
The opposite of fix is slowingdown.
And listening.
Knowing that.
If you don't come up withsolution, then in there.
(11:36):
Is going to be okay.
Essentially if couples.
Aren't a bad place.
What I'd tell them.
What we want.
Is something different.
What we don't want is more ofthe same.
So awesome.
I hope everyone chooses door B.
Thank you so much for listening.
Hey, thanks again.
And if this has resonated withyou, please like give a good
(11:59):
review, share this with yourfriends.
I would love that so much.
And here's the choosing Door B