November 22, 2023 • 11 mins
What’s an effective way to go about having more sex when there are desire discrepancies?
I’ll also share what I mean by my acceptance vs control.
I’ll address these questions in the context of a recent couples session I had.
To learn more about my couples therapy practice, click here:
https://coloradorelationshiprecovery.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
This is episode 51, having moresex.
(00:03):
Acceptance versus control.
What's an effective way to goabout having more sex when there
is a desire discrepancy?
I'll address this question inthe context of a recent couple
session I had.
I'll also share what I mean byacceptance versus control.
Welcome everyone.
This is healthy relationshipsseekers for parents.
(00:25):
The podcast has saved yourrelationship from parenthood.
My mission is to help parentshave a thriving relationship and
be great pairs in the same time.
My name is Jason Polk and I'veworked exclusively with couples
as a therapist and coach.
For over nine years on thispodcast, I share my experience
professionally.
Personally.
And as well as those of ouramazing guests.
(00:47):
So recently I had a couple comeinto my clinic.
It was a heterosexual couple,the male partner wanted more sex
and the female partner was okaywith how things were and let's
call the male partner.
Frank, the female partner, Jane.
They told me that they had sex acouple of times a week on
(01:07):
average.
And my first response was, um, Iwould say as a couple of
therapists, who's worked with alot of couples with kids.
Two times a week is on thehigher end and the kids were
young too.
But Frank's response to thatcomment was.
Basically, I'm not okay withthat.
I want more.
(01:29):
Than sex.
Two times a week.
And hearing this as theircouples therapist, there are
several places to go with thisuh, one way is to first
acknowledge this as a strength.
Frank is pushing for moreconnection.
And more connection is a goodthing.
That's the paradigm of a couplestherapist.
(01:51):
Is that generally we're alwayspushing and pushing isn't the
right word.
But we are wanting moreconnection in terms of sexual,
emotional, physical,intellectual, spiritual.
Whatever domain of intimacythere is.
Generally more connection in anyof those domains is a good
(02:14):
thing.
Another place that I'm Wint uponhearing that.
That Frank isn't.
Okay.
With two times a week.
Was sharing a quote from a semifamous.
The sex therapist by the name ofBarry McCarthy.
And Barry said that.
A couple of sexual satisfactionplummets after the birth of
(02:34):
their first baby.
It reignites promptly.
After the youngest one goes tocollege.
And after that it brings said,well, I don't want that.
That's too long.
I may sound like I'm makingFrank out to be a big baby, but
he was not.
When we dug deeper.
On this issue.
Of not having sex for him.
(02:55):
And what sexual intimacy meantto him.
He was open enough to share thatit meant that.
Everything was not okay.
If he wasn't having sex with hiswife, Jane.
That the relationship was notokay.
And going deeper.
That he was a failure.
And thus not worthy.
(03:16):
So he was able to disclose somedeeper stuff there.
That when he got denied.
It affected him at the core,essentially.
Something's wrong with me?
I'm not good enough.
I'm not worthy of love.
And he would ruminate on this.
Another way of saying this.
Is that he was on the, what wecall toxic shame.
(03:39):
Or that the shame train when hegot rejected.
So some of our work movingforward.
Is to help him esteem himself.
Recognize that fundamentally hedoes have worth.
This spite whether or not he'shaving sex with his wife.
This is really important work.
(04:00):
For Jane.
Upon hearing this.
I encouraged her when she doessay no to sex with Frank.
And I also said.
Say no is a good thing.
If your partner says no to you,celebrate that they're taking
care of themselves.
And they're not compromising whothey are.
To be in a relationship with youThey're being real to
(04:22):
themselves.
And so vast, we need tocelebrate that.
Also if we get a no.
We need to celebrate it becausewe put ourselves out there.
In theory.
If we get to know after ourrequest, That's a good thing,
because we were brave enough torequest.
And a request can leave usvulnerable because our partner
can say no.
(04:44):
So going back to Jane, when shedoes say no.
Something nice she can do is toremind Frank that she does love
him.
She does care about him.
This may seem like a little bitextra work for her.
But.
Upon knowing how rejectionaffects Frank.
This could be a nice gesture.
(05:06):
And this also came out.
For Jane to be more open.
For sex with Frank.
She needs to feel emotionallyconnected to Frank.
And this is a very common theme.
In my couples therapy.
Practice in regards to sex.
Generally the female partneronce more.
(05:26):
Emotional.
Connection once more emotionalintimacy in order to feel open
to sexual intimacy.
And it's kind of funny cause itworks the opposite way for males
generally.
That is.
They need sexual intimacy.
And that feels like emotionalconnection to them.
(05:46):
Or they're more likely to beopen.
To emotional connection.
After there's been sexualconnection.
So there's one of those things.
Uh, one of those things thathappens in life.
Then the question is what isemotional intimacy?
And this will be important forJane to share.
But basically for her.
(06:07):
He would be talking aboutfeelings.
And this is important too.
Treating each other as equals.
Feeling like a team.
Sharon vulnerability anxieties.
Uh, basically sharing what'sreal with you sharing what's
going on in your innerlandscape, so to speak.
So that is initiating emotionalconnection by sharing myself
(06:31):
with you.
And the cool thing about that.
That has the power to createconnection.
To bring the two of you.
Closer together.
And that's one definition ofemotional intimacy.
Jane also shared that for anorder for her.
To be open to sex and to feelmore sexual Frank needs to take
(06:54):
some things off of her plate.
Such as, um, duty with the kids.
For example, taking them toappointments, making dinner,
being more involved, takinginitiative, folding clothes,
basically taking things off ofher plate.
Coming back to the idea ofacceptance.
What can Frank really controlhere?
(07:16):
One to get more sex, he caninitiate more emotional intimacy
with Jane.
Number two, he can help withthings around the house.
As I mentioned, To free up morebandwidth for her.
If he nags bags or pounds forsex.
Jane is not going to feelsexually drawn to him.
If she does have sex, maybe as aresult of pouting.
(07:40):
And she's not really feeling it.
And doing it for him, so tospeak that doesn't feel good for
anyone.
And so it's a loss for bothpartners.
Frank needs to use a attraction.
And not coercion.
And Jade provided him with aroadmap for that, which as I
mentioned is initiatingemotional intimacy and helping.
(08:03):
The last thing Frank can do isto look at himself.
To start to work with thediscomfort of not having sex.
And being able to esteemhimself.
Despite the number of times thatweek they had sex.
Like, for example, his selfworth.
Should not be based on if Janeis up for having sex or not.
(08:27):
Because fundamentally Frankcannot control that.
And he can control.
What he does when he does get ano.
For example.
I want him to get to startcelebrating that, even though
initially it doesn't feel good.
Right.
We don't like to be rejected.
In regards to the acceptance.
(08:47):
I got this from my mentor, Terryreal.
This is a great question.
And is.
Can I grieve.
What I'm not getting.
While accepting what I amgetting.
So in terms of the question forFrank here.
Can I agree with the fact, andI'm not getting as much sex as I
like.
While accepting all that I amgetting from Jane.
(09:10):
Now if the answer is no, thenthat's a deal breaker.
And we're going to have to havea different conversation all
together.
If the answer is yes.
I will agreed the fact, and I'mnot getting as much sex as I
like.
And we can even say for now,While I'm accepting all that.
I am getting.
That's a sign of maturity.
(09:32):
Terry reel also saidrelationships are full of micro
disappointments.
In regards to control.
I want to share this acronymfrom Alanon that's a L dash a N
O N.
If you don't know about it,you're interested.
You can look it up.
The acronym is detach.
(09:52):
D E T a C H.
According to Alanon.
That stands for.
Don't even think about changinghim or her.
And so there you go.
Those are ways to have more sexit's better to accept.
And try to use a traction.
Try to make your partner moreopen to sex.
(10:15):
But if you're going to try tocontrol coerce.
You're not going to have moresex.
And this was an acronym.
I just remembered the, from aninterview I had on this podcast
with Nicole Coleen.
And let me see if I can rememberit.
It's patience.
Minus.
Pressure.
Equals pleasure.
(10:36):
P minus P equals P.
And yet this equation, I justlooked it up episode number
eight, interview with sex andintimacy coach Nicole Coleen.
All right, everyone.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope this was helpful.
Hey everyone.
This episode was made releasedthe day before Thanksgiving and
I would be so thankful.
(10:57):
If you leave us a review andshare this with someone who
could benefit from this materialagain, thank you so much for
listening.
Happy Thanksgiving.
This is episode 51, having moresex.
(00:03):
Acceptance versus control.
What's an effective way to goabout having more sex when there
is a desire discrepancy?
I'll address this question inthe context of a recent couple
session I had.
I'll also share what I mean byacceptance versus control.
Welcome everyone.
This is healthy relationshipsseekers for parents.
(00:25):
The podcast has saved yourrelationship from parenthood.
My mission is to help parentshave a thriving relationship and
be great pairs in the same time.
My name is Jason Polk and I'veworked exclusively with couples
as a therapist and coach.
For over nine years on thispodcast, I share my experience
professionally.
Personally.
And as well as those of ouramazing guests.
(00:47):
So recently I had a couple comeinto my clinic.
It was a heterosexual couple,the male partner wanted more sex
and the female partner was okaywith how things were and let's
call the male partner.
Frank, the female partner, Jane.
They told me that they had sex acouple of times a week on
(01:07):
average.
And my first response was, um, Iwould say as a couple of
therapists, who's worked with alot of couples with kids.
Two times a week is on thehigher end and the kids were
young too.
But Frank's response to thatcomment was.
Basically, I'm not okay withthat.
I want more.
(01:29):
Than sex.
Two times a week.
And hearing this as theircouples therapist, there are
several places to go with thisuh, one way is to first
acknowledge this as a strength.
Frank is pushing for moreconnection.
And more connection is a goodthing.
That's the paradigm of a couplestherapist.
(01:51):
Is that generally we're alwayspushing and pushing isn't the
right word.
But we are wanting moreconnection in terms of sexual,
emotional, physical,intellectual, spiritual.
Whatever domain of intimacythere is.
Generally more connection in anyof those domains is a good
(02:14):
thing.
Another place that I'm Wint uponhearing that.
That Frank isn't.
Okay.
With two times a week.
Was sharing a quote from a semifamous.
The sex therapist by the name ofBarry McCarthy.
And Barry said that.
A couple of sexual satisfactionplummets after the birth of
(02:34):
their first baby.
It reignites promptly.
After the youngest one goes tocollege.
And after that it brings said,well, I don't want that.
That's too long.
I may sound like I'm makingFrank out to be a big baby, but
he was not.
When we dug deeper.
On this issue.
Of not having sex for him.
(02:55):
And what sexual intimacy meantto him.
He was open enough to share thatit meant that.
Everything was not okay.
If he wasn't having sex with hiswife, Jane.
That the relationship was notokay.
And going deeper.
That he was a failure.
And thus not worthy.
(03:16):
So he was able to disclose somedeeper stuff there.
That when he got denied.
It affected him at the core,essentially.
Something's wrong with me?
I'm not good enough.
I'm not worthy of love.
And he would ruminate on this.
Another way of saying this.
Is that he was on the, what wecall toxic shame.
(03:39):
Or that the shame train when hegot rejected.
So some of our work movingforward.
Is to help him esteem himself.
Recognize that fundamentally hedoes have worth.
This spite whether or not he'shaving sex with his wife.
This is really important work.
(04:00):
For Jane.
Upon hearing this.
I encouraged her when she doessay no to sex with Frank.
And I also said.
Say no is a good thing.
If your partner says no to you,celebrate that they're taking
care of themselves.
And they're not compromising whothey are.
To be in a relationship with youThey're being real to
(04:22):
themselves.
And so vast, we need tocelebrate that.
Also if we get a no.
We need to celebrate it becausewe put ourselves out there.
In theory.
If we get to know after ourrequest, That's a good thing,
because we were brave enough torequest.
And a request can leave usvulnerable because our partner
can say no.
(04:44):
So going back to Jane, when shedoes say no.
Something nice she can do is toremind Frank that she does love
him.
She does care about him.
This may seem like a little bitextra work for her.
But.
Upon knowing how rejectionaffects Frank.
This could be a nice gesture.
(05:06):
And this also came out.
For Jane to be more open.
For sex with Frank.
She needs to feel emotionallyconnected to Frank.
And this is a very common theme.
In my couples therapy.
Practice in regards to sex.
Generally the female partneronce more.
(05:26):
Emotional.
Connection once more emotionalintimacy in order to feel open
to sexual intimacy.
And it's kind of funny cause itworks the opposite way for males
generally.
That is.
They need sexual intimacy.
And that feels like emotionalconnection to them.
(05:46):
Or they're more likely to beopen.
To emotional connection.
After there's been sexualconnection.
So there's one of those things.
Uh, one of those things thathappens in life.
Then the question is what isemotional intimacy?
And this will be important forJane to share.
But basically for her.
(06:07):
He would be talking aboutfeelings.
And this is important too.
Treating each other as equals.
Feeling like a team.
Sharon vulnerability anxieties.
Uh, basically sharing what'sreal with you sharing what's
going on in your innerlandscape, so to speak.
So that is initiating emotionalconnection by sharing myself
(06:31):
with you.
And the cool thing about that.
That has the power to createconnection.
To bring the two of you.
Closer together.
And that's one definition ofemotional intimacy.
Jane also shared that for anorder for her.
To be open to sex and to feelmore sexual Frank needs to take
(06:54):
some things off of her plate.
Such as, um, duty with the kids.
For example, taking them toappointments, making dinner,
being more involved, takinginitiative, folding clothes,
basically taking things off ofher plate.
Coming back to the idea ofacceptance.
What can Frank really controlhere?
(07:16):
One to get more sex, he caninitiate more emotional intimacy
with Jane.
Number two, he can help withthings around the house.
As I mentioned, To free up morebandwidth for her.
If he nags bags or pounds forsex.
Jane is not going to feelsexually drawn to him.
If she does have sex, maybe as aresult of pouting.
(07:40):
And she's not really feeling it.
And doing it for him, so tospeak that doesn't feel good for
anyone.
And so it's a loss for bothpartners.
Frank needs to use a attraction.
And not coercion.
And Jade provided him with aroadmap for that, which as I
mentioned is initiatingemotional intimacy and helping.
(08:03):
The last thing Frank can do isto look at himself.
To start to work with thediscomfort of not having sex.
And being able to esteemhimself.
Despite the number of times thatweek they had sex.
Like, for example, his selfworth.
Should not be based on if Janeis up for having sex or not.
(08:27):
Because fundamentally Frankcannot control that.
And he can control.
What he does when he does get ano.
For example.
I want him to get to startcelebrating that, even though
initially it doesn't feel good.
Right.
We don't like to be rejected.
In regards to the acceptance.
(08:47):
I got this from my mentor, Terryreal.
This is a great question.
And is.
Can I grieve.
What I'm not getting.
While accepting what I amgetting.
So in terms of the question forFrank here.
Can I agree with the fact, andI'm not getting as much sex as I
like.
While accepting all that I amgetting from Jane.
(09:10):
Now if the answer is no, thenthat's a deal breaker.
And we're going to have to havea different conversation all
together.
If the answer is yes.
I will agreed the fact, and I'mnot getting as much sex as I
like.
And we can even say for now,While I'm accepting all that.
I am getting.
That's a sign of maturity.
(09:32):
Terry reel also saidrelationships are full of micro
disappointments.
In regards to control.
I want to share this acronymfrom Alanon that's a L dash a N
O N.
If you don't know about it,you're interested.
You can look it up.
The acronym is detach.
(09:52):
D E T a C H.
According to Alanon.
That stands for.
Don't even think about changinghim or her.
And so there you go.
Those are ways to have more sexit's better to accept.
And try to use a traction.
Try to make your partner moreopen to sex.
(10:15):
But if you're going to try tocontrol coerce.
You're not going to have moresex.
And this was an acronym.
I just remembered the, from aninterview I had on this podcast
with Nicole Coleen.
And let me see if I can rememberit.
It's patience.
Minus.
Pressure.
Equals pleasure.
(10:36):
P minus P equals P.
And yet this equation, I justlooked it up episode number
eight, interview with sex andintimacy coach Nicole Coleen.
All right, everyone.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope this was helpful.
Hey everyone.
This episode was made releasedthe day before Thanksgiving and
I would be so thankful.
(10:57):
If you leave us a review andshare this with someone who
could benefit from this materialagain, thank you so much for
listening.
Happy Thanksgiving.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.