52: You Can Be Right, Or You Can Be Married

What are the problems with needing to be right?

And what are the issues with holding on to "objective truth."

This episode will help you know what to do to fix that. To help you embrace more subjective truth in your relationship. Because relationships are two subjective truths navigating life together.

Visit my couples therapy practice website. 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey, everyone.
Welcome to episode number 52 intown.
You can be right.
Or you can be married.
I got that quote from my mentor,Terry real, so in this episode,
I want to share the problemsthat result from needing to be
right or holding onto yourobjective reality.
And then I'm going to sharethings that you can do to work

(00:20):
on, to fix that.
And thank you so much forlistening.
Hey, everyone.
Welcome to solvingdisconnection.
And creating connectedrelationships for couples and
parents.
Yes.
This podcast has a new name.
And yes, it's been awhile, butfirst of all, again, I want to
thank you all for listening.
It's like my download numbershave gone up since I took a

(00:43):
break.
Releasing episodes.
So I don't know what that means,but anyway, I do appreciate the
fact that you're listening and Ihope you get some value from
this episode.
Check it out.
One way to create disconnection.
Is when you need to be right toomuch of the time.
In relational life therapy ormodality that I've been trained

(01:04):
in.
It is actually one of the losingstrategies that is needing to be
right.
The quick fix to this leucinestrategy is to be curious.
If your partner is sayingsomething and you don't agree
with it.
You can still listen.
And the response, if you don'tagree with it.
And I'm curious about why youthink that instead of that's not

(01:29):
true.
Um, no.
Actually so-and-so said this,um, instead of what you said,
Because if we rely too much on aneed to be right.
Uh, basically what we're doing.
Is, we are.
Dismissing our partner.
I got this from my mentor, Terryreal.
And he says that objectivereality has no space in intimate

(01:53):
relationships.
And that has, because we are toosubjective realities operating
at the same time.
And the reason for this issimply because.
Hey, if I'm in a good mood.
I interpret events differently.
If I'm in a bad mood, I alsointerpret.

(02:14):
Things in a more negative light.
Also my history depends on how Iinterpret things.
If, Jeff, my partner doessomething that maybe reminds me
of someone in the past.
I am going to interpret.
The event.
With one foot in the present andone foot in the past.

(02:37):
Simply put.
In reality, there is a lot goingon.
And if we try to cling to onetruth, One objective reality,
there's going to be problems.
And if one partner is clinging.
To one objective reality.
It's like, I'm going to try toeradicate our difference.

(02:58):
With my version.
The right version.
And with all that I mentioned,there's just too much going on
for it to be one version.
We're going to have to let go.
And let me share it.
I was recently working with acouple.
And they both had this as theirnumber one, losing strategy, DD
and TB.
Right.
And I asked one of the partners.

(03:21):
I said, did you have to defendyourself a lot?
Growing up?
And the partner said, yes.
And then I asked.
Can.
I share why, I guess that.
And they said, yeah, sure.
And then I said it's because youhave a black belt in defending
yourself.
And that was adaptive then.

(03:45):
Right to dig in, to defendyourself.
Now it is maladaptive.
And so it's also important tounderstand.
You know, where did a little bitof this come from?
Um, maybe there's somethingthere.
Maybe not.
If we had a lot of unfairnessgrowing up.
We may cleaning.
To the need to be right.

(04:06):
Maybe you didn't have a voice inyour reality was shut out.
And so you may.
Overly advocate.
For your quote unquote objectivereality.
So just some thoughts.
And again, the simple fix ofthis is to be curious.
If you don't agree withsomething, your partner is
saying.
Get curious about it and itgoes.

(04:27):
I'm curious about why you thinkthat.
And then you're inviting yourpartner in to a dialogue with
you, instead of saying that'snot true.
Instead of trying to be thetruth police and in certain your
objective reality.
In the relationship.
And another fix of this is tolet go.

(04:47):
We're going to have to let go ofour need to be right.
In order to allow space for ourpartners perspective.
And that may be challenging.
And we need to accept that somuch goes in to our
perspectives, into oursubjective reality.
Like I mentioned it could be inour mood.

(05:08):
It could be history, even stresslevels affect how we record
information.
Stan Tatkin stated that if we'restressed, Then our hippocampus.
Is compromised.
And so we're recording differentversions of.
Quote unquote, the reality.
And again, there needs to besome give and take.

(05:30):
For example, if my wife istelling a story about our
vacation and I think it happenedin another way.
Um, that's fine.
That is her subjective realityand that probably right too.
And so there has to be a littlegive and take.
And I got this quote again frommy mentor, Terry real, and he
says, we can be right, or we canbe married.

(05:53):
What do we choose another way oflooking at that?
It's we can be right.
Or we can be happy.
What do we choose?
And we have to let go.
We let go.
Not only for our partner, butfor us and a brace subjective
reality.
That's it.

(06:14):
Thanks for listening.
Hey everyone again.
Thank you so much for listeningto this.
I really appreciate it.
I would love for a review tosheerness with someone who may
benefit to share with yourpartner who.
Always needs to be right,because actually you're the
right one.
Just joking.

(06:34):
Thanks for listening.