April 21, 2024 • 11 mins
This episode might be of interest to those of you who may be on the brink of divorce or breakup, for those who don't have a lot of time, and for those who harbor a lot of resentment.
In this episode, I share how I define couples' intensives and why they are popular in my practice.
Click here for more information about couples intensives.
Click here to set up a free couples intensive consult.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What is a couples intensive?
(00:02):
You hear about these as well asmarriage retreats, which I
basically viewed them as thesame thing in this podcast.
I'll share how I define couplesintensives and why I do them.
So at that sounds interesting.
Keep listening and check it out.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
(00:23):
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
My definition of a couplesintensive is that we are going
to do.
As much couples therapy as wecan in one or two days.
(00:46):
It's usually for a couples inthe brink of divorce or breakup
that traditional style therapyhasn't helped.
It's also for couples that wanta different model, for example,
traditional therapy.
It's usually let's meet everyweek for an hour or so.
And that can be difficult forsome couples in terms of time.
In terms of scheduling and moreimportantly, because it can take
(01:10):
longer to have results.
It's also for couples that.
May have built up a lot of pastresentments and hurts.
And it can take some time forpartners to really be heard.
And acknowledged on these pastresentments.
My role.
And this is often when I doduring couples intensive
(01:31):
sessions is to guide you to, tohaving a productive.
The dialogue on that.
And I asked Siri what thedefinition of a dialogue is.
And I got a couple ofdefinitions and basically it's
a.
Conversation between two or morepeople.
A discussion between two or morepeople.
(01:53):
But the highlight here is thatwe want a conversation between
two people and that entails aspeaker and a listener.
What we don't want is amonologue, a monologue of past
resentments.
One is if we go on and on andon, we lose our listener.
Also, if we're talking aboutmore than one thing, then it can
(02:16):
be overwhelming.
And confusing for the listener.
So my job is to guide you to, toa healthy.
Back and forth on whatever it isthat has occurred.
Basically.
So there's a speaker and there'sa listener.
And also we can't just bring abag full of resentments during
(02:37):
an intensive.
And empty it out on our partner.
And we have to use discretion onthis, right.
We don't want to make it.
So we're pummeling our partner.
But if something is reallybothering us, it's really
important that we speak from acentered.
Respectful place respectful,towards our partner.
(02:57):
So we can really be heardbecause I've seen this in my
practice when resentments areheard.
And acknowledged that can go along way.
Well, we don't want.
From the listener is to bedefensive or say something like,
gosh, well you just get overthis already.
Or the other side going onedown.
(03:18):
It's ah, why are you with me?
I am such a horrible person.
Basically what we want isacknowledgement.
And for it to be heard sometimesthat's enough.
You know, you may include I'msorry.
Or gosh, that must've felthorrible.
Whatever that is.
But we want a discussion.
On the second day of couplesintensives.
(03:41):
How do I do it?
I give each partner beforehand.
A dart assessment.
Now this assessment stands fordevelopmental and relational
trauma.
It's not the sexiest title ever.
Um, it's not like you're goingto wake up in the morning and be
like, oh, that assessment soundsfun.
(04:01):
Let me do that.
But the purpose of it.
Is too.
In the presence.
And I do this assessment in thepresence of each partner.
So it would be all three of usgoing through it.
With me guiding the discussion.
And we examined.
And discussed your upbringing,and this can be a powerful and
(04:22):
moving experience for couples.
And the purpose of this is forinsight.
And compassion.
Into how maybe some of yourearlier adaptations show up in
the relationship today.
And we had this really greatquote.
In relational life therapy, themodel that I've been trained in.
And that is, it was adaptivethen, but maladaptive now, And
(04:47):
so it's important to highlightand have compassion.
Of course, those were youradaptations.
That's how you survived.
Psychologically emotionally, andeven physically.
And those reflexes today attimes, show up.
Maladaptively.
And so it's important to be onto examine that and pinpoint it.
(05:10):
Like, it's not that you'refundamentally flawed or there's
something inherently wrong withyou.
And make sense where these arecoming from.
And that is some of thecompassion, and sometimes it can
be very beneficial for thepartner to hear this.
Sometimes it occurs.
Oh, gosh, I never, I never knewthis.
I never heard you talk aboutyour upbringing in that way,
(05:33):
that often happens during thesesessions.
And when you have thisinformation, when there's
awareness around it.
The next question is what are wegoing to do with it?
Right.
And so the idea.
Is to spend less time in thosereflexes.
Or we can sometimes say thoseolder ego states.
(05:53):
Those older ego states that gettriggered.
And can we as individuals.
Begin to form a relationshipwith those younger parts of us.
And that's where a little bitwhere the inner child work comes
in.
Or simply being aware of it.
Again, awareness is soimportant.
Maybe we just breathe into it.
Maybe we're aware it's comingup.
(06:15):
And we pause.
We take a time out.
So basically what we're doing iswe're beginning to work with
those parts of us that don'tcare about relationship tools,
right.
That don't care about therelationship.
Like when I'm triggered reallytriggered, I don't care about
tools and I'm a couplestherapist.
Right.
(06:35):
Uh, but what I need to be ableto do is to be aware of when my
younger ego state comes onlinewould make me want to fight.
And be mean and be nasty.
I'm aware when it starts to comeup.
And I get that guy there.
Right.
I call it time out.
I am.
Maybe I call a time out.
And I.
This is something you're opento.
(06:56):
I have a conversation with thatyounger ego state.
Hey.
Oh, Jason, I got this.
I can talk to my wife.
You don't need to.
Um, whenever that is, but it'simportant to cultivate.
A relationship, whether that isa dialogue, inner dialogue.
Or just taking space orbreathing or mindfulness.
(07:19):
Whatever that is.
We don't want those parts of us.
As we say in the driver's seat.
Because when are triggered,parts are in the driver's seat
too much at the time.
As my mentor says.
That's the part of us that'sdriving the relationship into
the ditch.
Zoe, we don't want that.
We want to be in our.
(07:40):
Y's adult state of mind or ourcentered state of mind.
And the more we are there, themore open we are to using tools.
And part of the couplesintensive, too.
This run, the topic of tools isto provide you two with tools,
provide you two with agreements,right?
(08:00):
For example that there'ssomething I want to bring up
with my partner.
How do I do that?
And we use it a tool called thefeedback wheel.
Which is something like, Hey, isnow a good time to talk and you
can say, yes.
Or no.
But if it is a yes, you to havethe agreement that we're going
to be intentional about thisconversation, right.
(08:23):
I'm going to summon my wiseadult or my centered part of me
whenever that is breathe.
And I'm going to speak in arespectful manner to my partner.
The share my.
Feedback.
I want to give or to share myhurt or an incident or an issue
that I'm concerned about.
The share that, and then thepartner who's listening.
(08:46):
Who said yes, now's a good time.
Your job is to listen and staycentered.
We don't want the innerrebuttal.
We don't want to be okay.
I'm waiting for you to be doneso I can tell you my hurt.
And there needs to be a speakeror listener.
That is one of the tools.
That we do.
During the intensive and it'sreally important.
(09:07):
I know it can be cliche, butit's really important.
And also while we're making itsomewhere, spending less time in
conflict.
It's really important.
And I, we do this.
Uh, during every intensive.
to remember what makes yourpartner feel loved?
And what makes you feel loved?
And for there to be moreconnection in harmony in the
(09:27):
relationship.
I encourage both partners.
To start appreciating eachother.
That's so important.
And the thing about it.
Appreciation.
Can be sort of easy.
And sometimes I tell people,especially if there's been a lot
of resentment, Hey, start with,thanks for taking the trash out.
Thanks for making coffee.
(09:48):
And the more you can train thatmuscle.
The catch your partner doingsomething that's good or
something that you like.
The better.
And more deeper.
You're going to be able to dothat in the future.
And I feel that's reallyimportant.
So that is the gist of a one dayor two day couples intensive.
(10:10):
Basically what it is one day.
It is, we're cramming as much,couple of therapy as we can.
And to one day and the purposeis for results.
For intensives.
we do followups where you followups once a month.
Then we're going to meet, like,how's it going?
And the reason for this is let'skeep the results going.
(10:31):
Let us build on our momentum.,Are you to continuing on the
right path?
Or maybe need to tweak this,right?
Maybe you want more of this,less of that, whatever that is,
but to keep it going.
And the cool thing is, I'veseen.
I've experienced results.
I'm going to share.
A quick testimonial.
(10:51):
So, this is what, the couple whodid a two day.
Intensive.
one partner wrote to me was welearned more in one weekend with
you.
Then we did in two years withour other counselor, we
definitely learned that talktherapy alone was not enough.
And we really appreciate yourapproach with usable techniques
to release negativity, to makespace and time for a more
(11:14):
positive and lovingrelationship.
So that was a recent one andmaybe we'll leave it at that.
Also, I want to., invite you ifthis is something that sounds
interesting to you.
Set up a call.
I'll leave a link in the shownotes.
Also share a link to the couplesintensive therapy page on our
(11:34):
website.
And,, as always, thank you somuch for listening.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
This information
What is a couples intensive?
(00:02):
You hear about these as well asmarriage retreats, which I
basically viewed them as thesame thing in this podcast.
I'll share how I define couplesintensives and why I do them.
So at that sounds interesting.
Keep listening and check it out.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
(00:23):
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
My definition of a couplesintensive is that we are going
to do.
As much couples therapy as wecan in one or two days.
(00:46):
It's usually for a couples inthe brink of divorce or breakup
that traditional style therapyhasn't helped.
It's also for couples that wanta different model, for example,
traditional therapy.
It's usually let's meet everyweek for an hour or so.
And that can be difficult forsome couples in terms of time.
In terms of scheduling and moreimportantly, because it can take
(01:10):
longer to have results.
It's also for couples that.
May have built up a lot of pastresentments and hurts.
And it can take some time forpartners to really be heard.
And acknowledged on these pastresentments.
My role.
And this is often when I doduring couples intensive
(01:31):
sessions is to guide you to, tohaving a productive.
The dialogue on that.
And I asked Siri what thedefinition of a dialogue is.
And I got a couple ofdefinitions and basically it's
a.
Conversation between two or morepeople.
A discussion between two or morepeople.
(01:53):
But the highlight here is thatwe want a conversation between
two people and that entails aspeaker and a listener.
What we don't want is amonologue, a monologue of past
resentments.
One is if we go on and on andon, we lose our listener.
Also, if we're talking aboutmore than one thing, then it can
(02:16):
be overwhelming.
And confusing for the listener.
So my job is to guide you to, toa healthy.
Back and forth on whatever it isthat has occurred.
Basically.
So there's a speaker and there'sa listener.
And also we can't just bring abag full of resentments during
(02:37):
an intensive.
And empty it out on our partner.
And we have to use discretion onthis, right.
We don't want to make it.
So we're pummeling our partner.
But if something is reallybothering us, it's really
important that we speak from acentered.
Respectful place respectful,towards our partner.
(02:57):
So we can really be heardbecause I've seen this in my
practice when resentments areheard.
And acknowledged that can go along way.
Well, we don't want.
From the listener is to bedefensive or say something like,
gosh, well you just get overthis already.
Or the other side going onedown.
(03:18):
It's ah, why are you with me?
I am such a horrible person.
Basically what we want isacknowledgement.
And for it to be heard sometimesthat's enough.
You know, you may include I'msorry.
Or gosh, that must've felthorrible.
Whatever that is.
But we want a discussion.
On the second day of couplesintensives.
(03:41):
How do I do it?
I give each partner beforehand.
A dart assessment.
Now this assessment stands fordevelopmental and relational
trauma.
It's not the sexiest title ever.
Um, it's not like you're goingto wake up in the morning and be
like, oh, that assessment soundsfun.
(04:01):
Let me do that.
But the purpose of it.
Is too.
In the presence.
And I do this assessment in thepresence of each partner.
So it would be all three of usgoing through it.
With me guiding the discussion.
And we examined.
And discussed your upbringing,and this can be a powerful and
(04:22):
moving experience for couples.
And the purpose of this is forinsight.
And compassion.
Into how maybe some of yourearlier adaptations show up in
the relationship today.
And we had this really greatquote.
In relational life therapy, themodel that I've been trained in.
And that is, it was adaptivethen, but maladaptive now, And
(04:47):
so it's important to highlightand have compassion.
Of course, those were youradaptations.
That's how you survived.
Psychologically emotionally, andeven physically.
And those reflexes today attimes, show up.
Maladaptively.
And so it's important to be onto examine that and pinpoint it.
(05:10):
Like, it's not that you'refundamentally flawed or there's
something inherently wrong withyou.
And make sense where these arecoming from.
And that is some of thecompassion, and sometimes it can
be very beneficial for thepartner to hear this.
Sometimes it occurs.
Oh, gosh, I never, I never knewthis.
I never heard you talk aboutyour upbringing in that way,
(05:33):
that often happens during thesesessions.
And when you have thisinformation, when there's
awareness around it.
The next question is what are wegoing to do with it?
Right.
And so the idea.
Is to spend less time in thosereflexes.
Or we can sometimes say thoseolder ego states.
(05:53):
Those older ego states that gettriggered.
And can we as individuals.
Begin to form a relationshipwith those younger parts of us.
And that's where a little bitwhere the inner child work comes
in.
Or simply being aware of it.
Again, awareness is soimportant.
Maybe we just breathe into it.
Maybe we're aware it's comingup.
(06:15):
And we pause.
We take a time out.
So basically what we're doing iswe're beginning to work with
those parts of us that don'tcare about relationship tools,
right.
That don't care about therelationship.
Like when I'm triggered reallytriggered, I don't care about
tools and I'm a couplestherapist.
Right.
(06:35):
Uh, but what I need to be ableto do is to be aware of when my
younger ego state comes onlinewould make me want to fight.
And be mean and be nasty.
I'm aware when it starts to comeup.
And I get that guy there.
Right.
I call it time out.
I am.
Maybe I call a time out.
And I.
This is something you're opento.
(06:56):
I have a conversation with thatyounger ego state.
Hey.
Oh, Jason, I got this.
I can talk to my wife.
You don't need to.
Um, whenever that is, but it'simportant to cultivate.
A relationship, whether that isa dialogue, inner dialogue.
Or just taking space orbreathing or mindfulness.
(07:19):
Whatever that is.
We don't want those parts of us.
As we say in the driver's seat.
Because when are triggered,parts are in the driver's seat
too much at the time.
As my mentor says.
That's the part of us that'sdriving the relationship into
the ditch.
Zoe, we don't want that.
We want to be in our.
(07:40):
Y's adult state of mind or ourcentered state of mind.
And the more we are there, themore open we are to using tools.
And part of the couplesintensive, too.
This run, the topic of tools isto provide you two with tools,
provide you two with agreements,right?
(08:00):
For example that there'ssomething I want to bring up
with my partner.
How do I do that?
And we use it a tool called thefeedback wheel.
Which is something like, Hey, isnow a good time to talk and you
can say, yes.
Or no.
But if it is a yes, you to havethe agreement that we're going
to be intentional about thisconversation, right.
(08:23):
I'm going to summon my wiseadult or my centered part of me
whenever that is breathe.
And I'm going to speak in arespectful manner to my partner.
The share my.
Feedback.
I want to give or to share myhurt or an incident or an issue
that I'm concerned about.
The share that, and then thepartner who's listening.
(08:46):
Who said yes, now's a good time.
Your job is to listen and staycentered.
We don't want the innerrebuttal.
We don't want to be okay.
I'm waiting for you to be doneso I can tell you my hurt.
And there needs to be a speakeror listener.
That is one of the tools.
That we do.
During the intensive and it'sreally important.
(09:07):
I know it can be cliche, butit's really important.
And also while we're making itsomewhere, spending less time in
conflict.
It's really important.
And I, we do this.
Uh, during every intensive.
to remember what makes yourpartner feel loved?
And what makes you feel loved?
And for there to be moreconnection in harmony in the
(09:27):
relationship.
I encourage both partners.
To start appreciating eachother.
That's so important.
And the thing about it.
Appreciation.
Can be sort of easy.
And sometimes I tell people,especially if there's been a lot
of resentment, Hey, start with,thanks for taking the trash out.
Thanks for making coffee.
(09:48):
And the more you can train thatmuscle.
The catch your partner doingsomething that's good or
something that you like.
The better.
And more deeper.
You're going to be able to dothat in the future.
And I feel that's reallyimportant.
So that is the gist of a one dayor two day couples intensive.
(10:10):
Basically what it is one day.
It is, we're cramming as much,couple of therapy as we can.
And to one day and the purposeis for results.
For intensives.
we do followups where you followups once a month.
Then we're going to meet, like,how's it going?
And the reason for this is let'skeep the results going.
(10:31):
Let us build on our momentum.,Are you to continuing on the
right path?
Or maybe need to tweak this,right?
Maybe you want more of this,less of that, whatever that is,
but to keep it going.
And the cool thing is, I'veseen.
I've experienced results.
I'm going to share.
A quick testimonial.
(10:51):
So, this is what, the couple whodid a two day.
Intensive.
one partner wrote to me was welearned more in one weekend with
you.
Then we did in two years withour other counselor, we
definitely learned that talktherapy alone was not enough.
And we really appreciate yourapproach with usable techniques
to release negativity, to makespace and time for a more
(11:14):
positive and lovingrelationship.
So that was a recent one andmaybe we'll leave it at that.
Also, I want to., invite you ifthis is something that sounds
interesting to you.
Set up a call.
I'll leave a link in the shownotes.
Also share a link to the couplesintensive therapy page on our
(11:34):
website.
And,, as always, thank you somuch for listening.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
This information
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