56: 4 Things That Can Save Your Marriage

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Is your marriage or relationship on the brink?

Here are four things you can do to save your marriage.

Essentially, there needs to be something different and not more of the same.

These four things are usually the most common complaints partners have.

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
If your relationship is on thebrink of divorce or breakup,

(00:03):
here is some advice.
Four things you can do to saveyour marriage or relationship.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.

(00:23):
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
Number one.
this is simple enough, but thefirst thing is do what your
partner is asking.
If your partner asks you to notbe as angry or to drink less, do
that.
So the first step to this is tohumble yourself and to look at

(00:46):
your side of the relationship,you have to acknowledge the
truth.
Of what your partner is saying,or at the very least that what
they're saying is true to them.
And so if you do acknowledgethat.
And you do what your partner isasking.
It would go a long way to getprofessional help.
So for example, If your partnersays you need to work on your

(01:07):
anger.
What about anger managementclasses or say you need to drink
less.
Um, check out an AA meeting, a12 step meeting, give that a go.
Uh, reach out to a counselor.
But I've seen such efforts andchanges.
Literally saved marriages.
Number two.
Give up your need to be right.

(01:28):
So as a couple of therapists,Nothing is more exhausting than
watching couples argue over whois right or wrong.
Because the thing is, and I knowI shared this on the podcast.
Essentially.
You're both wrong.
Uh, because there is no suchthing as objective truth in
relationships because there aretwo subjective realities.

(01:50):
And one of my favorite quotesfrom Terry reel.
I know I've shared this here.
It's you can be right.
Or you could be married.
You can't be both.
So we have to pick one.
We either can be right, or wecan be married.
And I've seen relationshipsdissolve because both partners
deeply desire to defendthemselves and to be right at

(02:13):
all costs.
Usually they go about beingright by trying to prove their
partner wrong.
And essentially this is anon-collaborative approach that
makes you two enemies.
And what you will do is you'lllook out for, I got you moments
to use against each other.
And to pair fray.

(02:33):
Terry reel again, the relationalanswer to who's right and wrong
is who cares?
What can we do to fix this?
So instead of being right.
A B.
Collaborative.
That's number two, number three.
Express interest and listen toyour partner.
I often hear partnerscomplaining that their partner

(02:53):
does not express interest inthem.
The good news.
This is easy to fix.
And it could simply be, I'masking them about their day or
listening when they share.
Now I know this is not easy.
But if we can train our mind toreally listen, to really be
present.

(03:13):
To really want to understandwhat our partner is thinking or
feeling.
can save a marriage.
Because we all want to be heardand we want to feel connected to
our partner.
And giving our partner.
That awareness, that attention.
And that interest goes a longway.

(03:33):
And again, the good news is thateveryone can do it.
And we all can practice toimprove.
Me.
Everyone can practice to bepresent and to really listen to
your partner.
And the last one is beaccountable.
A lack of accountability andacknowledgement of how your
actions or lack thereof.

(03:55):
Affect your partner as asurefire way to get divorced.
If we're stuck in defense andblame, when we receive any type
of feedback, our partner isgoing to go wary of that.
And eventually of us.
And so what we have to dosimilar to number one, we have
to look at our side of therelationship.

(04:16):
Even if we don't agree with thefeedback we're getting from our
partner.
We need to become curious aboutwhy they are giving it.
And why we are hearing it.
Not all relationship problemsare 50 50.
And it may seem unfair.
Okay.
Why do I gotta be accountablefor this?
When my partner does that.

(04:36):
need to look at our side of it.
We need to look at ourpercentage.
Of the relationship problem inorder to save it.
And so when we are.
Accountable.
Then that means we are able toacknowledge that we have heard
our partner and if we canacknowledge it and if we can
convey.
How our actions affected ourpartner.

(04:58):
That can go a really, reallylong way.
And here's a bonus.
If we can share a plan for howwe're going to avoid the action
in the future.
Again, that can go a long way.
So the example it's, you know,Oh, dear.
I'm sorry.
I yelled at you.
I know that.
Hertz deeply.
And it has in the past, I'mgoing to anger management class

(05:22):
to work on this.
I've you said something likethat and you really mean it.
And you're going to angermanagement class.
That says a lot.
That means that you'reaccountable.
And you understand how youractions have affected your
partner.
And you've also shared a plan.
that can go a really, really,really long way.

(05:44):
don't want.
If we're apologizing.
Or we're being accountable.
Sharing our intention about whywe got angry.
So for example, I had to say,you know, I, I, I got angry
because blank, blank, blank.
Um, that's fine to share ourattention, but if our partner is
hurt in the moment, they don'tcare about our intention.

(06:04):
So, what we do is to repair inthe moment and that goes just
like the example.
I am sorry, I'm angry.
I know this has deeply hurt youin the past and it deeply hurts
you now.
That's how you can beaccountable and that's a good
way to repair.
conclusion, the four things aredoing what your partner ass

(06:26):
letting go of the need to be.
Right.
Showing genuine interest in yourpartner and being accountable
for your actions.
And if you implement one or allof these strategies, convey
commitment.
To your partner, but you'rewilling to change.
And you can literally save yourmarriage or save your

(06:48):
relationship.
And this may take time and yourpartner may not trust the
changes at first.
But if your relationship is onthe brink, keep doing it.
We don't want more of the same.
We want something different.
And those are four ways.
You can save your marriage andput them to work.

(07:09):
that helps.
Last thing.
Thank you so much for listening.
I really appreciate it.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
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