57: Let's talk about mess, do you think your partner is sloppy?

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Mess is one of the content issues that come up in couples therapy.

If this is an issue for you, you can check out what you can do on your side of the relationship and what you two can do as a team.

Link to the Fair Play Card Deck.

Click here to read the blog this episode was inspired by: Couples Counseling and Your Messy Partner. 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Today.
I wanted to talk about mess.
This is a common issue thatcomes up in couples counseling.
And do you think that yourpartner is sloppy?
And this episode, I'll give yousome things that you can do
personally.
On your side.
As well as what you can do as acouple, check it out.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected

(00:21):
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
Couples usually come intocouples counseling.
With, for content issues.

(00:41):
These issues are mess.
Sex money.
Uh, family such as parentingdifferences in laws, things like
that.
Now, if you have one of theseissues, you can rest assured
that you are not alone.
However, I know that doesn'thelp alleviate the actual pain
and frustration.

(01:03):
Um, the issue or issues.
Today.
I wanted to talk about the firstissue I mentioned.
And that is mess.
I believe we all want a cleanhouse and don't want to live in
filth.
How ever.
Partners often have a differentstandard.
Of cleanliness and desire toaddress the household mess.

(01:27):
I want to share this concept oflibido in terms of cleanliness.
And I got this from the latecouples and sex therapist, David
snatch.
And he looked at issues in termsof libido.
Or desire differences.
And that is one partner may havea higher sexual libido than the
other.

(01:47):
And one partner.
May also have a higher libidofor cleanliness than the other.
And so looking at it this way.
It makes it, so it doesn'tpathologize the issue.
I mean, there's no right orwrong to this.
One person just may have it.
A certain desire.
for that.
Area of life.

(02:08):
In terms of mess.
One way this difference cancause issues is when the person
with the higher desire forclean.
Assigns meaning to why the otherperson doesn't have the same
desire.
So it goes a little bit likethis.
You don't pick up after yourselfbecause you don't respect me.
If we have that lens on.

(02:29):
Any dish left in the sink.
Or coat being unhung can createfrustration and resentment for
us.
I was working with a couplerecently.
And we were talking about thisvery issue and it was one of
their main issues.
So this one, the female partnerhad the higher desire for a
clean.

(02:50):
Compared to her male partner.
And I said to her, Uh, he's notputting away his shoes.
Doesn't make you mad.
You make yourself mad.
And the advice I gave her.
Reminded her that she isn'temotionally powerless to her.
Partner's mess.

(03:10):
And she didn't disagree with theadvice, but I don't think she
loved it.
Um, But.
Uh, lawn that angle.
The next step would be to remindher.
To have empathy andunderstanding of her partner.
And so I continued to say toher, He doesn't wake up on a

(03:32):
mission to leave things out, tomake you mad.
He has some ADHD traits and alot on his mind.
So it's a lower priority for himby default.
Then I turned to him.
And said, you also need to havethem be cute for her.
Uh, clean house is calming andleads to less anxiety for her.

(03:53):
When you don't pick up afteryourself, she thinks you don't
care.
And then I said to the both ofthem.
With empathy for each other.
You two must tackle this issuecollaboratively.
That looks like rolling up yoursleeves and create explicit
agreements about the mess.
And so this leads me to thetool.

(04:14):
I give all couples who arestruggling with the issue of
mess.
That is the fair play card deck.
And my wife and I did this, butthis tool requires each partner
to agree, to be solelyresponsible for a certain
household chore or task.
So each card in the card deck isone chore or task.

(04:39):
And you too also need to decide.
On a standard of cleanliness foreach chore.
For example, what does it meanfor that chore to be done?
And partners need to addressthis as a team.
And so this is really importantbecause I know for this couple
that I'm working with.
They have different stylestandards of queen.

(05:01):
And.
For example, she thinks cleanmeans something.
He thinks clean means somethingelse.
And so it's really importantfor.
The two of them they get on thesame page.
So say if the chore hasn't beendone.
The question you bring up toyour partner is, Hey.

(05:21):
I thought this was ouragreement.
And that sounds a lot betterthan saying something like, I
can't believe it.
If it's a dishes.
It's obvious that you don'trespect me and don't care about
this house.
So that was the work for the twoof them to have empathy for each
other's perspectives.
And then to handle the issuescollaboratively.

(05:42):
With both partners reflecting onwhat can I do to help you come
through for me?
So in this way, we look at whatwe can do on our end.
We are not powerless.
If our partner doesn't have thesame.
Cleanliness desire as us.
We must accept it.
And we may need to grieve thatfact.

(06:04):
While we appreciate what we aregetting.
And so that is more of in Boldenapproach.
Then giving all of our emotionalpower.
To our partner based on if theydo or do not do the chores.
So I think in conclusion, If youhave empathy, if you handle it

(06:26):
collaboratively, if to use thetool.
You will make yourself less madabout the mess.
And also.
It's not about the mess.
It's about how you to handle it.
Thank you for listening.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this

(06:49):
with someone who could benefitfrom.
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