58: What are psychological boundaries and what do they mean for you?

This episode discusses functional, psychological boundaries and what is not. 

What are not functional boundaries? They are if we are behind walls or boundaryless. 

We will define that and what physiological boundary violations are.

This will also encourage you to reflect on your boundaries as well.

Here's the link to the chart I mentioned.

You can learn more about our couples therapy practice.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey, what's everyone today.
I want to talk aboutpsychological boundaries and
that may seem like a fancy term.
But it's not really.
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with

(00:20):
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
I look at boundaries more aspersonal boundaries.
I know typically.
Culturally, we view boundariesas what I called limits.

(00:40):
Like the limits we set withothers.
For example, if you startyelling at me, I am going to
walk away.
You know, that is called a limitor.
Pretty much, we call that aboundary, but whatever works,
for sake of clarity, I want totalk about personal boundaries.
In particular psychologicalboundaries in terms of

(01:03):
protective and containing.
And don't worry, I'm going toexplain this.
So if you picture an orange.
And orange peel.
The shiny part of the orange isthe protective or listening
boundary, the white part of theorange.
Is the containing and thespeaking boundary.

(01:23):
What we want our functionalboundaries in regards to our
protective slash listeningboundary, as well as our
containing.
Slash speaking boundary.
So if we have no boundaries interms of our protective.
And listening boundary.

(01:44):
Basically, we're completelyreactive to other people's
thoughts and emotions we takeinto blame.
Another word for this is we arethin skinned.
Like if someone gives us somenegative feedback, It really
affects our core.
And that is having noboundaries.
Okay.
Having no boundaries in regardsto containing or speaking.

(02:09):
Or the white part of the orangeis not functional.
We say whatever comes to ourmind and we don't contain our
emotions.
And we give to blame.
And sometimes people will saythis well, it's just how I feel.
Yeah, but how it sounded wasvery, very harsh and you put
your partner down.

(02:30):
With not having a containing orspeaking boundary.
When we're like this, you know,it's hard for us to receive
feedback and we share whatevercomes to our mind.
And I just want to share, Somepsychological boundary
violations.
And so this is particularly ifyou're struggling with your

(02:53):
containing or speaking part.
Uh, basically any sort ofpsychological boundary
violation.
Is yelling, screaming.
Um, contempt.
Attacking your partnerscharacter.
Name calling shaminghumiliating.
And here's another one istelling your partner what they

(03:13):
should think feel or do.
Another way to say that iscontrol.
For example.
You're not hurt.
You're just mad.
Or an extreme example.
You can't talk to the member ofthe opposite sex.
So those would be boundaryviolations that occur.
If our containing or speakingboundary is not intact.

(03:34):
And let me share.
Walls.
So the opposite of no boundariesis we are behind walls.
So putting that into ourprotective and listening
boundary.
Like be behind walls.
It's never listening.
To what is important to others.
You avoid empathy.
So basically you're not hearinganything.

(03:55):
You may be sitting right next toyour partner, but you're not
taking in anything that theysay.
And.
If you are behind walls inregards to your containing or
speaking boundary.
You don't tell others about you.
You don't share what's going onwith you and so someone who is
behind walls, the boundaryviolations.

(04:16):
Are less obvious compared tosomeone who we would say has no
boundaries.
And sometimes that's seen aspeople who are behind walls,
they may make agreements.
Contracts.
And then break them, say, ohyeah, sure.
I'll do that.
But the follow-through islacking.
Also gaslighting.
Um, I think he behind walls, youmay dismiss.

(04:38):
For example, oh my gosh.
I can't believe you're feelingthat.
Or, uh, you are just irrational.
You are just crazy.
So it's kind of more boundaryviolations like that, or here's
another one.
Lies of omission.
You may omit importantinformation that if your partner
knew it would change things.
But you happen to convenientlyomit that.

(05:01):
Let's talk about functionalboundaries.
So what would be functional?
In regards to your productivelistening boundary.
You sort through what others aresaying.
You only take in.
Thoughts or feelings?
About what is true to you andyou leave out the rest.
So let me say that again.
You sort through what others aresaying to you?

(05:24):
And you only take in or havethoughts about what is true to
you.
And you leave out the rest.
So it's kind of like you have.
A traffic light.
If something is not true.
You're not going to take thatin.
And let it affect you.
If something is true, you gonnasay, okay, that's valid.
You do have a point there.
And also.

(05:45):
If someone says something to youand you think it's not true.
Uh, way of handling this is I'mcurious.
About why you would say that.
Let's talk about that.
So in a way you're sortingthrough the information that
other people are saying to you.
Also, if your partner is havinga bad day, And they are being
difficult.

(06:05):
A functional boundary,protective boundary.
Would be.
You know what they're saying anddoing.
Is less about me.
And more about them.
That is having a functionallistening boundary.
What is having a functionalcontaining boundary.
And that is.
You speak clearly and in abalanced and relational manner.

(06:27):
You release your emotionsconcisely.
And with moderation.
If you're working on afunctional.
Continued boundary from noboundaries or porous speaking
boundaries.
Uh, question for you would bebefore I speak before I say.
This, how is it going to landfor my partner?

(06:50):
That would be a good way topractice the functional
boundary.
I'm going to put this chart.
That I was, going off of.
I'm going to put this in theshow notes.
And the question is.
Where are you?
In your relationship currently,do you need to practice?
A functional listening boundary.

(07:11):
Do you need to practice afunctional speaking boundary?
If you do practice functionalpsychological boundaries.
You will feel better and yourrelationship.
We'll also be better as well.
Thank you for listening.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.

(07:33):
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