October 31, 2024 • 9 mins
Do you two feel like roommates? Or cost-sharing-associates?
Have you and your partner drifted into feeling more like roommates than lovers?
Just co-parents?
Or “cost-sharing-associates?”
It’s easy for the initial spark to dim as time passes, but rekindling it is possible.
This quick episode talks about how to reconnect and feel love again.
I also share why you two have drifted apart, how to break the cycle of disconnection, and how couples therapists help couples do just that.
One of our favorite quotes from Terry Real is:
“Intimacy is not something you have, but something you do.”
I share how you two can intentionally foster intimacy and how you can be that passionate couple again!
This blog inspired this episode.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey, what's up everyone today.
(00:01):
I'm going to talk about how tofall back in love with your
partner.
So check it out.
Now let's introduce the show..
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
(00:22):
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
Couples often come to ourpractice feeling like roommates
or just co-parents.
Although they have been marriedto for years and have had
passionate times.
And vacations together.
One couple, in fact shared withme, we are cost sharing
(00:46):
associates.
As the love and the sparkbetween them had died down.
at least they're nice to eachother.
I mean, associates is not sobad, but.
Uh, being in a relationship,being married.
I feel like we all need more.
We all deserve more.
We all need more than justhaving a cost sharing associate.
(01:09):
Or a roommate.
And some couples needclarification about how they got
there as it was so easyinitially.
And sparked flu.
You remember the first time youwere together with your partner?
How exciting.
And that was how novel, how newthat was.
(01:30):
That's what happens.
And so it leads to the nextquestion of.
How did we get here?
Why did we become roommates?
Right.
Or why do we become resentfulfighters?
That is a good question.
And so going back to thebeginning.
To the initial phase of therelationship.
It's about within the first yearor so.
(01:53):
During this time, our brain isfull of feel good chemicals that
keep us captivated with ourmate.
And people explain the reasonfor this is because nature is
more concerned about comingtogether.
And procreating because thoseinfatuation chemicals will wear
(02:14):
off to conserve energy.
And then our partner moves fromthe most intriguing thing in the
world to deep family.
And I was reading a reason forthis Stan Tatkin and one of my
mentors.
He said, if our brains stayed inthat infatuation stage, then
we'd fry them.
(02:36):
He says it costs too muchenergy.
To be in that state.
And so what nature does toconserve energy, what our brain
does to conserve energy.
We automate that person and theybecome deep family.
And when this happens, we revertto the relationship template we
(02:56):
had growing up, or in otherwords, The relationship
template.
That was formed growing up.
And so this is where the workcomes in.
For example.
Was one or both of your parentsjudgmental towards each other or
judgmental towards you?
(03:17):
If so you may share that samejudgment towards your partner or
also you may have that samejudgment and criticalness
towards yourself.
Was one or both of your parentsand anxious people pleaser.
Or an angry grudge holder.
If so you may be overlyconcerned about others being mad
(03:38):
at you.
You know, maybe that angrygrudge holder.
Father.
Really got to you.
And so you people please.
At the cost of your wants andneeds.
you know, If you're a peoplepleaser for too long, eventually
you're going to become aresentful people, pleaser or
eventually you become a passiveaggressive martyr.
(03:58):
So that's one way of looking atit.
Whatever the case is.
It's essential to identify thedance that you to get into as a
couple.
We call it the dance ofdisconnection.
So you can spend less timethere.
And create the space to fallback in love with each other.
(04:20):
Again.
And this is how us as couplestherapists help.
As a couples therapist.
The.
First place we usually start isto help you to identify your
dance and then give you a planfor staying out of it.
And so first as couplestherapists, we ask a lot of
(04:41):
questions.
To really understand the danceor another way of saying it is
the more, the more, the more youdo this, the more they knew
that.
And then that is your dance.
Or we say the stance, stance,dance, for example, you can be a
tantruming controller meets.
(05:03):
A immature teenager.
Maybe not the best analogy.
But those are the stances andthen the negative dance that
results.
That's what we want to fix.
And that's what we help you twoidentify.
And like I said, give you a planto spend less time there.
And you may feel like roommates,as I mentioned in the beginning.
(05:24):
If you have spent too much timein that negative dance.
Without repairing it.
And so a way it's like, why try.
Right.
You know, it stinks so on thisgoing to withdraw.
And we're going to be roommates,cost sharing associates.
Co-parents, whatever that is.
So.
We give you two a plan to spendless time there.
(05:48):
And we also help you to know howto repair, to move back into
love and connection.
For example, maybe there's beena fight or you two are in
disconnection.
Maybe withdrawn.
Or maybe you two are fighting.
Um, bickering at each other.
Whatever it is one way torepair.
Is to lead with vulnerability.
(06:10):
And then in sharing, what isbelow your anger?
Because you are giving yourpartner something to connect
with.
For example.
I felt.
Totally devalued.
When you called your mom,instead of telling me about this
issue.
Whatever it is.
But you are leading.
(06:31):
With what is below the anger,because your partner can hear
that.
They can't really hear anger.
They just react to it.
And.
Via vulnerability.
That is a way to emotionallyconnect.
And so then you have a dialogue,then you two are talking about
it.
So it's important to repair.
(06:52):
Sometimes repair doesn't have tobe.
Like that it could just be asimple hug.
A simple, oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
Right.
You know, whatever that is, butit's really important to repair.
And then maintaining love andconnection.
When you two are spending lesstime in your dance.
Then the work is to be active.
(07:15):
In maintaining love andconnection.
One of my favorite quotes fromTerry real is intimacy is not
something you have, butsomething you do.
As a couples therapist, weremind you too, that it is vital
to know what makes you feelloved.
And also what makes your partnerfeel loved?
(07:37):
So for example, is it physicalor sexual intimacy?
Generally for males.
If this is one of the top ones.
Primarily sexual intimacy.
Generally for females, it isemotional.
Intimacy or it can also bespiritual intimacy.
Things that can make you feellove.
Is it being able to talk to eachother about anything?
(08:00):
Is it simply spending timetogether?
Or maybe doing things nice foreach other.
Is it simply conveying to eachother that you matter?
What is most important is that.
You know, the answers to thesequestions personally.
Like you knew these answers andthen you share them with your
(08:20):
partner.
And then when you both had thatinformation, Knowing what makes
each other feel love?
Then you do it.
I know that super simple.
It's good.
That it's simple.
And so falling back in love withyour partner.
Is an endeavor that involvesawareness.
Intentional effort and awillingness to break old
patterns.
(08:40):
By addressing patterns.
from the past.
And learning to repair.
And intentionally.
Doing what makes each other feellove?
I have seen couples rediscoverthe love, the passion, that
connection.
The intimacy.
That brought you together in thefirst place.
So intimacy is an activepractice.
(09:01):
And by taking this steps.
You can be that passionatecouple.
That loves each other deeply.
Thank you so much for listening.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
This information
Hey, what's up everyone today.
(00:01):
I'm going to talk about how tofall back in love with your
partner.
So check it out.
Now let's introduce the show..
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
(00:22):
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
Couples often come to ourpractice feeling like roommates
or just co-parents.
Although they have been marriedto for years and have had
passionate times.
And vacations together.
One couple, in fact shared withme, we are cost sharing
(00:46):
associates.
As the love and the sparkbetween them had died down.
at least they're nice to eachother.
I mean, associates is not sobad, but.
Uh, being in a relationship,being married.
I feel like we all need more.
We all deserve more.
We all need more than justhaving a cost sharing associate.
(01:09):
Or a roommate.
And some couples needclarification about how they got
there as it was so easyinitially.
And sparked flu.
You remember the first time youwere together with your partner?
How exciting.
And that was how novel, how newthat was.
(01:30):
That's what happens.
And so it leads to the nextquestion of.
How did we get here?
Why did we become roommates?
Right.
Or why do we become resentfulfighters?
That is a good question.
And so going back to thebeginning.
To the initial phase of therelationship.
It's about within the first yearor so.
(01:53):
During this time, our brain isfull of feel good chemicals that
keep us captivated with ourmate.
And people explain the reasonfor this is because nature is
more concerned about comingtogether.
And procreating because thoseinfatuation chemicals will wear
(02:14):
off to conserve energy.
And then our partner moves fromthe most intriguing thing in the
world to deep family.
And I was reading a reason forthis Stan Tatkin and one of my
mentors.
He said, if our brains stayed inthat infatuation stage, then
we'd fry them.
(02:36):
He says it costs too muchenergy.
To be in that state.
And so what nature does toconserve energy, what our brain
does to conserve energy.
We automate that person and theybecome deep family.
And when this happens, we revertto the relationship template we
(02:56):
had growing up, or in otherwords, The relationship
template.
That was formed growing up.
And so this is where the workcomes in.
For example.
Was one or both of your parentsjudgmental towards each other or
judgmental towards you?
(03:17):
If so you may share that samejudgment towards your partner or
also you may have that samejudgment and criticalness
towards yourself.
Was one or both of your parentsand anxious people pleaser.
Or an angry grudge holder.
If so you may be overlyconcerned about others being mad
(03:38):
at you.
You know, maybe that angrygrudge holder.
Father.
Really got to you.
And so you people please.
At the cost of your wants andneeds.
you know, If you're a peoplepleaser for too long, eventually
you're going to become aresentful people, pleaser or
eventually you become a passiveaggressive martyr.
(03:58):
So that's one way of looking atit.
Whatever the case is.
It's essential to identify thedance that you to get into as a
couple.
We call it the dance ofdisconnection.
So you can spend less timethere.
And create the space to fallback in love with each other.
(04:20):
Again.
And this is how us as couplestherapists help.
As a couples therapist.
The.
First place we usually start isto help you to identify your
dance and then give you a planfor staying out of it.
And so first as couplestherapists, we ask a lot of
(04:41):
questions.
To really understand the danceor another way of saying it is
the more, the more, the more youdo this, the more they knew
that.
And then that is your dance.
Or we say the stance, stance,dance, for example, you can be a
tantruming controller meets.
(05:03):
A immature teenager.
Maybe not the best analogy.
But those are the stances andthen the negative dance that
results.
That's what we want to fix.
And that's what we help you twoidentify.
And like I said, give you a planto spend less time there.
And you may feel like roommates,as I mentioned in the beginning.
(05:24):
If you have spent too much timein that negative dance.
Without repairing it.
And so a way it's like, why try.
Right.
You know, it stinks so on thisgoing to withdraw.
And we're going to be roommates,cost sharing associates.
Co-parents, whatever that is.
So.
We give you two a plan to spendless time there.
(05:48):
And we also help you to know howto repair, to move back into
love and connection.
For example, maybe there's beena fight or you two are in
disconnection.
Maybe withdrawn.
Or maybe you two are fighting.
Um, bickering at each other.
Whatever it is one way torepair.
Is to lead with vulnerability.
(06:10):
And then in sharing, what isbelow your anger?
Because you are giving yourpartner something to connect
with.
For example.
I felt.
Totally devalued.
When you called your mom,instead of telling me about this
issue.
Whatever it is.
But you are leading.
(06:31):
With what is below the anger,because your partner can hear
that.
They can't really hear anger.
They just react to it.
And.
Via vulnerability.
That is a way to emotionallyconnect.
And so then you have a dialogue,then you two are talking about
it.
So it's important to repair.
(06:52):
Sometimes repair doesn't have tobe.
Like that it could just be asimple hug.
A simple, oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
Right.
You know, whatever that is, butit's really important to repair.
And then maintaining love andconnection.
When you two are spending lesstime in your dance.
Then the work is to be active.
(07:15):
In maintaining love andconnection.
One of my favorite quotes fromTerry real is intimacy is not
something you have, butsomething you do.
As a couples therapist, weremind you too, that it is vital
to know what makes you feelloved.
And also what makes your partnerfeel loved?
(07:37):
So for example, is it physicalor sexual intimacy?
Generally for males.
If this is one of the top ones.
Primarily sexual intimacy.
Generally for females, it isemotional.
Intimacy or it can also bespiritual intimacy.
Things that can make you feellove.
Is it being able to talk to eachother about anything?
(08:00):
Is it simply spending timetogether?
Or maybe doing things nice foreach other.
Is it simply conveying to eachother that you matter?
What is most important is that.
You know, the answers to thesequestions personally.
Like you knew these answers andthen you share them with your
(08:20):
partner.
And then when you both had thatinformation, Knowing what makes
each other feel love?
Then you do it.
I know that super simple.
It's good.
That it's simple.
And so falling back in love withyour partner.
Is an endeavor that involvesawareness.
Intentional effort and awillingness to break old
patterns.
(08:40):
By addressing patterns.
from the past.
And learning to repair.
And intentionally.
Doing what makes each other feellove?
I have seen couples rediscoverthe love, the passion, that
connection.
The intimacy.
That brought you together in thefirst place.
So intimacy is an activepractice.
(09:01):
And by taking this steps.
You can be that passionatecouple.
That loves each other deeply.
Thank you so much for listening.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
This information
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