60: From Emotional to Sexual Intimacy: A Guide for Males (and Couples)

Sex can be a powerful way to connect, but for many men, it's often the only way they're taught to access vulnerability and emotional closeness. 

This can create a rub, especially when partners need emotional intimacy to feel open to physical intimacy.

In this blog, we break down the dynamics of intimacy using the metaphor of a wedding cake.

Couples thrive when they intentionally build each layer tier of the cake. 

Listen to discover how to strengthen your relationship, deepen intimacy, and foster connection beyond sex.

This episode is in blog form: From Emotional to Sexual Intimacy: A Guide for Males (and Couples).

For the blog on how to start with awareness of feelings, go here: Get in Touch With Your Feelings.

Episode Transcript

Jason (00:00):
From emotional to sexual intimacy, a guide for males and

(00:04):
couples.
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.

(00:28):
Sex is a way to connect in a vulnerable, intimate way.
It creates closeness andfeelings of love.
Um, this sort of intimacy is notreadily available for us males
outside of sex in our culture.
So this creates a problem.
Culturally us males are notencouraged to be vulnerable and

(00:49):
pursue emotional intimacy inrelationships.
So sex is sometimes the only wayto do so.
And this can create a rubbecause the female partner and
I'm using a heterosexual examplehere.
Is generally more open to sex.
If there is emotional intimacyand safety in the relationship.
If the female partner doesn'tfeel emotionally connected.

(01:10):
They are usually not asinterested in sex at the same
time, male, still thatconnection with sex.
And often don't know how to, orwant to initiate emotional
intimacy.
Here's the fix.
And this is where a couplestherapists like myself can guide
you through this discrepancy.

(01:30):
A sex therapist, colleague andfriend Jenelle Washburn.
And she's actually been on thispodcast episode number 37.
Called, how can we have moresex?
With your partner.
She wants told our team oftherapists and the case
consultation.
Sexual issues, our relationshipissues.
And she shared this frame thatI'm using when helping couples

(01:53):
navigate sexual discrepancies.
And this metaphor is a weddingcake.
Imagine a tiered wedding cake.
This cake represents thedifferent layers of intimacy.
But first before we build acake, we need to have a table.
And that table represents trust,commitment, safety, which are

(02:14):
essential for an intimacy.
When the table is there.
The first layer we build isemotional intimacy.
So what is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy involvessharing our vulnerability.
And authenticity while hearingand validating those of our
partner.
So it's sharing and thenlistening and receiving and

(02:38):
validating that.
Of our partner.
And this involves sharing ourfeelings, fears, imperfections.
And also, uh, understanding andvalidating those of our partner.
When this emotional intimacytear is there.
It's easier to put physicalintimacy on top of that.
And a question is, so why do westart with emotional intimacy?

(03:01):
Maybe if you're a male, you'relike, well, that's not fair.
I don't exactly know how to doemotional intimacy.
And so if you're a male And youdon't really know how to do
emotional intimacy or not superinto it.
I'm going to share a link to oneof my older blogs called get in
touch with your feelings.
And I'm going to put that linkin the show notes.

(03:22):
We start with emotional intimacybecause that is how you know,
your partner and how yourpartner knows you.
When we don't know what's goingon with our partner, we assume.
When we assume we assume in thenegative.
For example, if my wife isn'ttalking to me, I don't think she
must be reflecting on how muchhe loves me.

(03:44):
In fact it's the opposite.
I'm wondering what did I do?
Or what's the problem or what'sgoing on with her?
And that is one reason emotionalintimacy is so important.
So, you know, each other.
So I know what's going on withmy wife, so my wife knows what's
going on with me.
And emotional intimacy.

(04:04):
Is also sharing what is beneathour anger.
If we feel resentment or angertowards our partner.
We are less likely to besexually intimate with them.
And so we need to think about.
What are the feelings underneathmy anger?
Right.
What are those vulnerablefeelings that my anger is

(04:26):
protecting?
And where we can share thoseinstead of leading with anger.
We're able to repair.
We're able to spend less time inangry resentment.
And so practicing emotionalintimacy in this way.
Is a great place to start.
For us males who.
Are often cut off from this wayof connecting and that is

(04:49):
connecting emotionally.
So if you're a male.
Imagine feeling closeness andlove without having to rely on
sex from your partner.
So what I'm saying, there's.
Way to feel connection andcloseness and intimacy.
Without sex.
Now I'm not saying don't havesex.
Of course, I'm a couplestherapist.

(05:09):
I have sex.
It's enjoyable.
I'm a male.
I enjoy sex, but there's alsoother ways to connect.
When emotional intimacy exists.
The next tier of the weddingcake is physical intimacy.
And I defined physical intimacyas initiating.
Appreciating non-sexual touchsuch as handholding, hugging,

(05:29):
cuddling, et cetera.
And then when these two tearsare there emotional.
And then physical intimacy.
Then we put sexual intimacy ontop of that.
So sexual intimacy is like thethird tier of the wedding cake.
Couples who have created.
The intimacy and safety to talkabout sex.

(05:53):
Are more likely to have sex,right.
And sex that creates feelings ofconnection and love.
When couples can talk about sex.
You can answer the question.
What makes you more open to sex?
Right?
What gets in the way?
What are the things that turnyou on?
What turns your partner on.

(06:14):
So having the safety.
And the emotional intimacy andtrust.
To be able to talk about sex.
Is a huge step towards havingmore sex and having enjoyable
sex.
So when I'm saying here using awedding cake analogy, Is that
trust emotional and physicalintimacy.

(06:35):
Are the foundational pieces fora more fulfilling sexual
connection.
And for us males embracingemotional vulnerability.
Is.
Especially important for havingmore sex.
But also for fosteringcloseness.
Beyond the bedroom and so if youthink about different ways of

(06:57):
connecting.
And starting with emotionalconnection.
As the foundation.
It's easier to put physicalintimacy.
And then sexual intimacy.
on top of that.
So there is a tiered weddingcake.
metaphor to having more sex.
And as always, I hope thishelps.
Hey everyone.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from

(07:17):
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
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