February 18, 2025 • 9 mins
In this episode, Jason shares ten actionable tips to help couples maintain harmony, reduce disharmony, and effectively repair their relationships.
The tips are structured within a framework that includes understanding the phases of harmony, disharmony, and repair.
Key points include connecting with your partner through daily gestures, understanding and navigating attachment dynamics, using timeouts to prevent conflicts, making effective apologies, showing vulnerability, using communication tools like the feedback wheel, and taking things less personally.
The goal is to foster more connection and less conflict in relationships.
00:00 Introduction to Relationship Tips
00:06 Understanding Relationship Phases
00:47 Tips for Maintaining Harmony
02:37 Addressing Disharmony
06:04 Effective Repair Strategies
08:46 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
Links:
Relationship (Attachment) Quiz
This episode in 10 tips to fix your relationship in blog form.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey everyone, I want to share 10tips to fix your relationship
(00:04):
and get back on the right track.
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
(00:25):
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
All relationships cycle throughthree phases.
That's harmony, disharmony, andrepair.
And synonyms for the harmonyphase are connection, passion.
Those for the disharmony phaseare disconnection and pain.
And My goal as a couplestherapist relationship coach is
(00:49):
to help you two spend more timein harmony, less time in
disharmony, and the intensity isnot as much, and for you two to
be able to provide quick andeffective repair to move back
into harmony.
And I'll break down ten tips inthe context of this framework.
(01:09):
So, tips one to three are formaintaining harmony and
connection.
And these are generally theeasiest and the most enjoyable
to do.
So number one, connect with ahug or a kiss before you leave,
know one thing your partner isdoing for the day before you
leave.
(01:30):
Number two, connect with a hugor a kiss when you two reunite
after the day, and invite yourpartner to share about their
day.
Number three, go on a date andschedule separate times to
discuss the relationship.
And one of my favoriterelationship quotes is, Intimacy
(01:50):
is not something you have, butsomething you do.
And that is by Terry Reill.
And this is an excellentreminder because now that you
two have been together for awhile, Possibly married and with
kids, it doesn't mean therelationship work is over.
I know from experience, ifyou're not feeling connected to
your partner, their naturalannoyances will be loud.
(02:14):
For example, if I'm not feelingconnected to Jess, my wife, I'll
be keenly aware of herimperfections and vice versa,
because we all have them.
And scheduling Separate times todiscuss the relationship.
This has been called the Stateof the Union meeting by
relationship expert JohnGottman.
(02:37):
And I'm gonna share a link to,um, more details on the State of
the Union meeting.
Um, basically if you could do itonce a week, twice a week, or
check-ins on the relationship,that is a good thing it's.
it's important because we getbusy during the week, all right,
(02:58):
so that's Harmony.
So tips four through six.
These are for less disharmony.
And number four is understandthe underlying dynamics of your
fights.
And this is where attachmenttheory can be helpful.
And I'll share a link to episodenumber 32 called, how can
(03:19):
attachment theory help yourrelationship?
The purpose of it, it helps usunderstand our partner's natural
reflexes regarding connectionand separation.
So real quick, for example,maybe one partner kind of had a
preoccupied, sometimes they'resometimes not parent or parents,
so they are more into Connectionor lack thereof.
(03:43):
It's more at the forefront oftheir mind and they tend to be
the pursuers in therelationship.
And if you grew up in ahousehold where, you know, there
wasn't much emotions, not a lotof heart to hearts, hugging,
stuff like that, you have atendency for more space to not
share your emotions, to not talkabout things, to want alone
(04:05):
time.
And so it's important to knowthat and know that these are
natural reflexes.
However, it doesn't get you offthe hook.
You still have work to do.
And I'm going to share therelationship quiz that I made
and subsequent emails will giveyou things you can do.
(04:28):
Based on your attachment style,but basically if you're in a
connection pursuing side Yourwork is to be vulnerable and
request for example.
I've been feeling disconnectedlet's go on a date and then for
the withdrawing side It's okayto want space but you have to be
(04:49):
aware of your reflex and berelational about it.
For example, I need 20 minutesjust to myself.
After that, I'm all yours.
Let's hang out.
So that's how that works.
So number five, understand howto get out of those dynamics and
negative cycles.
And so I shared a little bitabout it based on attachment
(05:12):
theory.
Be aware of your reflexes andwhat you can do to spend less
time in a pursue withdrawalcycle, if those are your
attachment styles.
A simple but not easy way to getout of an argument or a conflict
is by pausing, taking a break,some couples use a safe word, or
using a more formal timeout.
(05:33):
Because as you know, if we'rereally upset or angry and
interact in that state of mind,we will have to apologize for
everything we say or do later,and a timeout or a pause is a
good way to make it so there'sless to apologize for.
And number six, know how toprevent disharmony and do it.
(05:55):
And knowing what you can do onyour side is essential to
preventing disharmony.
And one way is to know how totake care of your attachment
reflexes, as I mentioned.
And, again, to summarize, if youhave a reflex for space, take
appropriate space.
Sharing that you need some timeand then sharing when you'll be
(06:15):
back and conversely, if youdesire more connection, request
it and share how not getting itmakes you feel.
Don't demand connection, or itwill have the opposite effect.
And for repair, this is seventhrough ten give a plus
apologies I got this from Sherrywho was a guest on the podcast
(06:38):
That is episode number 43 So ana plus apology is to acknowledge
what you did, I'm sorry and thenNumber two is convey how that
felt gosh.
I imagine that must have feltHorrible, frustrating, painful,
whatever it is.
And then number three is shareyour plan for how you will avoid
(06:59):
that action in the future.
For example, I'm working toavoid this.
Or I'm seeing a therapist towork on my anger.
Whatever that is.
Number eight, vulnerability.
And vulnerability is vital inrelationships because it's the
basis of emotional intimacy.
It can be used to repair becauseit gives your partner something
(07:22):
to connect to.
For example, I feel blankbecause of blank.
It's not you did this, youstink, you always, you never.
And with vulnerability, you'releading with an olive branch and
not a sword.
And in the repair context,vulnerability is sharing what is
below the anger.
(07:43):
And number nine, use thefeedback wheel.
I'm also going to share a linkto the tool.
Basically what it is, there's aspeaker and there's a listener.
You are speaking on an issue asan appropriate center speaker.
You're sharing what you made upabout the incident or the issue,
how you feel, and what you wouldlike.
And then partner B basicallyconveys back what they heard.
(08:07):
And that can solve a lot ofproblems in relationships.
Okay.
And number 10, basically takethings less personally.
Another way to say that is no.
Your partner is generally tryingtheir best.
And what I mean by that is wedon't wake up on a mission to
upset our partner.
(08:28):
For example, I don't have anotebook listing all the ways I
can annoy my wife.
And then I'll go ahead and pickone that day and work on it.
Generally, we operateautomatically and we usually
inadvertently upset our partner.
And this doesn't mean that wedon't work on what upsets our
(08:49):
partner.
We do.
But also, when looking at ourpartner, we need to give them
some grace and also find ways tohelp our partner come through
for us.
You know, let's becollaborative.
For example, how can I help youget what I want?
And so, it's a collaboration.
And so, these are some tenthings.
(09:11):
using the framework of harmony,disharmony, and repair that you
can get on the right track andfix your relationship to have
more connection.
Thanks for listening.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
This information
Hey everyone, I want to share 10tips to fix your relationship
(00:04):
and get back on the right track.
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
(00:25):
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
All relationships cycle throughthree phases.
That's harmony, disharmony, andrepair.
And synonyms for the harmonyphase are connection, passion.
Those for the disharmony phaseare disconnection and pain.
And My goal as a couplestherapist relationship coach is
(00:49):
to help you two spend more timein harmony, less time in
disharmony, and the intensity isnot as much, and for you two to
be able to provide quick andeffective repair to move back
into harmony.
And I'll break down ten tips inthe context of this framework.
(01:09):
So, tips one to three are formaintaining harmony and
connection.
And these are generally theeasiest and the most enjoyable
to do.
So number one, connect with ahug or a kiss before you leave,
know one thing your partner isdoing for the day before you
leave.
(01:30):
Number two, connect with a hugor a kiss when you two reunite
after the day, and invite yourpartner to share about their
day.
Number three, go on a date andschedule separate times to
discuss the relationship.
And one of my favoriterelationship quotes is, Intimacy
(01:50):
is not something you have, butsomething you do.
And that is by Terry Reill.
And this is an excellentreminder because now that you
two have been together for awhile, Possibly married and with
kids, it doesn't mean therelationship work is over.
I know from experience, ifyou're not feeling connected to
your partner, their naturalannoyances will be loud.
(02:14):
For example, if I'm not feelingconnected to Jess, my wife, I'll
be keenly aware of herimperfections and vice versa,
because we all have them.
And scheduling Separate times todiscuss the relationship.
This has been called the Stateof the Union meeting by
relationship expert JohnGottman.
(02:37):
And I'm gonna share a link to,um, more details on the State of
the Union meeting.
Um, basically if you could do itonce a week, twice a week, or
check-ins on the relationship,that is a good thing it's.
it's important because we getbusy during the week, all right,
(02:58):
so that's Harmony.
So tips four through six.
These are for less disharmony.
And number four is understandthe underlying dynamics of your
fights.
And this is where attachmenttheory can be helpful.
And I'll share a link to episodenumber 32 called, how can
(03:19):
attachment theory help yourrelationship?
The purpose of it, it helps usunderstand our partner's natural
reflexes regarding connectionand separation.
So real quick, for example,maybe one partner kind of had a
preoccupied, sometimes they'resometimes not parent or parents,
so they are more into Connectionor lack thereof.
(03:43):
It's more at the forefront oftheir mind and they tend to be
the pursuers in therelationship.
And if you grew up in ahousehold where, you know, there
wasn't much emotions, not a lotof heart to hearts, hugging,
stuff like that, you have atendency for more space to not
share your emotions, to not talkabout things, to want alone
(04:05):
time.
And so it's important to knowthat and know that these are
natural reflexes.
However, it doesn't get you offthe hook.
You still have work to do.
And I'm going to share therelationship quiz that I made
and subsequent emails will giveyou things you can do.
(04:28):
Based on your attachment style,but basically if you're in a
connection pursuing side Yourwork is to be vulnerable and
request for example.
I've been feeling disconnectedlet's go on a date and then for
the withdrawing side It's okayto want space but you have to be
(04:49):
aware of your reflex and berelational about it.
For example, I need 20 minutesjust to myself.
After that, I'm all yours.
Let's hang out.
So that's how that works.
So number five, understand howto get out of those dynamics and
negative cycles.
And so I shared a little bitabout it based on attachment
(05:12):
theory.
Be aware of your reflexes andwhat you can do to spend less
time in a pursue withdrawalcycle, if those are your
attachment styles.
A simple but not easy way to getout of an argument or a conflict
is by pausing, taking a break,some couples use a safe word, or
using a more formal timeout.
(05:33):
Because as you know, if we'rereally upset or angry and
interact in that state of mind,we will have to apologize for
everything we say or do later,and a timeout or a pause is a
good way to make it so there'sless to apologize for.
And number six, know how toprevent disharmony and do it.
(05:55):
And knowing what you can do onyour side is essential to
preventing disharmony.
And one way is to know how totake care of your attachment
reflexes, as I mentioned.
And, again, to summarize, if youhave a reflex for space, take
appropriate space.
Sharing that you need some timeand then sharing when you'll be
(06:15):
back and conversely, if youdesire more connection, request
it and share how not getting itmakes you feel.
Don't demand connection, or itwill have the opposite effect.
And for repair, this is seventhrough ten give a plus
apologies I got this from Sherrywho was a guest on the podcast
(06:38):
That is episode number 43 So ana plus apology is to acknowledge
what you did, I'm sorry and thenNumber two is convey how that
felt gosh.
I imagine that must have feltHorrible, frustrating, painful,
whatever it is.
And then number three is shareyour plan for how you will avoid
(06:59):
that action in the future.
For example, I'm working toavoid this.
Or I'm seeing a therapist towork on my anger.
Whatever that is.
Number eight, vulnerability.
And vulnerability is vital inrelationships because it's the
basis of emotional intimacy.
It can be used to repair becauseit gives your partner something
(07:22):
to connect to.
For example, I feel blankbecause of blank.
It's not you did this, youstink, you always, you never.
And with vulnerability, you'releading with an olive branch and
not a sword.
And in the repair context,vulnerability is sharing what is
below the anger.
(07:43):
And number nine, use thefeedback wheel.
I'm also going to share a linkto the tool.
Basically what it is, there's aspeaker and there's a listener.
You are speaking on an issue asan appropriate center speaker.
You're sharing what you made upabout the incident or the issue,
how you feel, and what you wouldlike.
And then partner B basicallyconveys back what they heard.
(08:07):
And that can solve a lot ofproblems in relationships.
Okay.
And number 10, basically takethings less personally.
Another way to say that is no.
Your partner is generally tryingtheir best.
And what I mean by that is wedon't wake up on a mission to
upset our partner.
(08:28):
For example, I don't have anotebook listing all the ways I
can annoy my wife.
And then I'll go ahead and pickone that day and work on it.
Generally, we operateautomatically and we usually
inadvertently upset our partner.
And this doesn't mean that wedon't work on what upsets our
(08:49):
partner.
We do.
But also, when looking at ourpartner, we need to give them
some grace and also find ways tohelp our partner come through
for us.
You know, let's becollaborative.
For example, how can I help youget what I want?
And so, it's a collaboration.
And so, these are some tenthings.
(09:11):
using the framework of harmony,disharmony, and repair that you
can get on the right track andfix your relationship to have
more connection.
Thanks for listening.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
This information
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