63: What Is the Purpose of Marriage?

Jason explores the purpose of marriage beyond initial infatuation and love chemicals. 

He explains that marriage is an essential emotional refuge and economic partnership, providing a place for vulnerability, acceptance, and the sharing of resources. 

Jason discusses typical relationship dynamics like the pursue-withdraw cycle and how past experiences shape our partner interactions. 

He emphasizes the importance of prioritizing the relationship to foster connection and joy. Through understanding and intentional effort, marriage can bring resilience and confidence. By succeeding as a team, it can make life more enjoyable and less expensive.

00:00 Introduction to the Show
00:25 The Science of Love and Monogamy
01:07 Impact of Upbringing on Relationships
02:40 Purpose of Marriage
03:17 Emotional and Economic Benefits of Marriage
04:57 Challenges in Marriage
06:17 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

To read the blog that inspired this episode, you can check out: What's the Purpose of Marriage? A Marriage Counselor's Perspective.

Click here to learn more about Jason's couples therapy agency.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Today, I want to talk about whatis the purpose of marriage.

(00:03):
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests So we are not

(00:27):
necessarily wired for long termmonogamy.
when we first get together withsomeone, our brains are awash
with chemicals that make us feelhigh and infatuated.
And we often think, dang, thisis awesome.
It's going to be like thisforever.
But the problem is it doesn'tlast.
And one of my mentors, StanTakins, says that, you know,

(00:50):
nature is more interested inprocreation and not super
interested in monogamy becausethose love chemicals wear off in
about a year or two.
And that's where our workbegins.
And as you know, if you listento his podcast, um, You know, I

(01:12):
talk about, we revert to oldrelationship templates, the ones
we learned from our upbringing,when the love chemicals wear
off.
Again, the idea too is thatthere's so much going on in our
brain, you know, Stan Tackensays we couldn't keep all that
up, right?
It's just too intense.
And so, once we really get toknow the person, he says we

(01:35):
relate to them like they aredeep family.
And again, we use the templateswe gained from being in our
family.
And that's how we show up in therelationship, when the love
chemicals wear off.
So, for example, if we spent alot of time alone and
experienced little conflictgrowing up, this would show up

(01:57):
in our marriage as generallywithdrawal or conflict
avoidance.
If conflict was expressedopenly, And parents were
sometimes inconsistent.
This could manifest in themarriage as someone more
interested in pursuing.
Maybe even angrily pursuing.
And this is a very common cycle.

(02:19):
We call it the pursue withdrawalcycle, but often it's important
to work with a marriagecounselor because we can help
you break free from that.
We can help you see that cycleand then break free from that
because it is a very commoncycle that is rooted in our
upbringing.

(02:40):
So coming back, what is thepurpose of marriage?
I believe it is essentially topull resources to increase the
likelihood of survival.
And from an economicperspective, married couples
filing jointly enjoy taxadvantages in the United States.

(03:01):
They also benefit from enhancedpurchasing power for a home.
And also there's built insupport for raising kids.
You know, there's two of us.
In theory, we can also use ourfamily, but sometimes family is
not always around.
Nevertheless, as a marriagecounselor, I look at the purpose

(03:21):
of marriage as being anemotional refuge.
Ideally, you have a place to bevulnerable and share what's real
for you.
I call vulnerability as Sharingwhat's really real.
And this can lighten the loadand make you feel connected as a
result.

(03:42):
It's like, oh my gosh my partnerheard me, my partner sees me,
and I'm not being judged as aresult, but I'm receiving
connection and support.
And that's really cool.
And side note, that's one of thebenefits of therapy, or one of
the benefits of going to agroup.
You share what's real, and youget validation and support.
And, side note too, Brene Brownsays the shame can't survive in

(04:08):
the light, and that's anotherreason for sharing
vulnerability, to bring it out,oh, okay, you hear me, I don't
feel as bad.
Also, marriage is a place to beyou, and be accepted, it's a
place to be seen and heard, as Imentioned, and it's a space for
giving and receiving love.

(04:29):
It's also a place to have fun.
Oh yeah, and physical touch andsex are also nice as well.
As I mentioned in this blog,Stan Taken, author of several
relationship books, says, It'sas if you two are in a foxhole
together.
You have each other's backs andare stronger together.
So in marriage, you combine bothyour economic and emotional

(04:53):
resources.
And another question comes up.
So why is marriage so hard attimes?
And as mentioned, when the lovechemicals wear off, we can
sometimes get trapped in anegative cycle, rooted in our
past experiences.
And also another reason, betweenwork, kids, personal life,
exercise, personal development,our relationship often ends up

(05:17):
being the last thing to get ourattention.
And as a result, Our marriagecan wither a little bit and
become challenging.
And so if we give ourrelationship more intention and
effort and do not put it at theend of our priority list, it
often feels better and becomes asource of confidence instead of

(05:39):
a burden.
And I can relate to that 100percent when Jess, my wife, And
I even just give 10, 15 minutesjust to talk and connect.
It makes things so much easierbecause when we are feeling that
connection, our partner'snatural annoyances become a less

(06:02):
loud, right?
Um, that's one reason toconnect.
And also it feels better.
Also, we know what's going onwith our partner because when we
don't know what's going on withour partner, we make things up.
And when we make things up, it'susually.
so in conclusion, when weprioritize our relationship and
we nurture emotional safety andwe break free from the negative

(06:25):
cycles, marriage is a source ofjoy, resilience.
And consequently, we gaingreater confidence and energy to
slay those dragons in oureveryday life.
So ultimately, the purpose ofmarriage as I see it is fairly
straightforward.
Life is more enjoyable and lessexpensive when both partners

(06:49):
combine their financial andemotional resources to succeed
together as a team.
Thanks for listening.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
the podcast, please give us afive-star rating and share this
with someone who could benefitfrom.
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