64: What is cheating?

Understanding Cheating: Definitions, Impacts, and Pathways to Healing

In this episode of 'Solving Disconnection and Creating Connected Relationships for Couples and Parents,' therapist and coach Jason Polk explores the complex topic of cheating. 

He delves into the different forms of infidelity, including financial and emotional cheating, and emphasizes the importance of explicit agreements between partners. 

Polk also discusses the synonyms and antonyms of cheating and provides insights into how a lack of openness can create a breeding ground for infidelity. 

Key takeaways include the critical role of trust, honesty, and transparency in preventing and recovering from betrayal.

00:00 Introduction to the Show

00:22 Defining Cheating and Infidelity

01:12 Types of Cheating

02:03 Importance of Agreements in Relationships

03:29 Emotional Affairs and Implicit Agreements

05:00 Antonyms of Cheating

05:21 Conditions Leading to Cheating

06:20 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

This blog inspired this episode: What is considered cheating? 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Hey everyone.
Welcome to the show.
I want to talk a little bitabout cheating and what exactly
that is.
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.

(00:22):
A common question that comes upin our practice is what exactly
is cheating?
And foundationally cheating is abetrayal of trust.
For this topic, I'm gonna talkabout synonyms and antonyms of
cheating and infidelity.
So first off, the synonym.
Of cheating is unfaithfulness,deception, infidelity, betrayal,

(00:49):
disloyalty and unfaithfulness.
The spirit of cheating andinfidelity involves doing
something secretly that goesagainst explicit or implicit
agreements, which it discoveredcould cause pain and lead to a
lack of trust and possibly areevaluation of the

(01:10):
relationship.
And so there are different typesof cheating for instance, and
this is a true story, there isfinancial, infidelity or
cheating.
if I tell my wife that I'm notgonna use the credit card, but
then later reveal to her thatI've charged$5,000 to it, that
is a form of financial cheatingand infidelity.

(01:33):
And as I mentioned, that is atrue story.
The reason for this is that I inviolated an explicit agreement.
And when I informed her, andobviously it's better to tell
her proactively than let herdiscover it, right?
Because then the questions comeup, were you gonna tell me?

(01:53):
Right?
Can I trust you?
And when it was discovered, itcaused her pain and made her
reevaluate whether I amtrustworthy or not and
agreements are so important forcouples because we need to have
each other's backs.
Stan takin shares inrelationships.
It's like we're in the foxholetogether, we're stronger

(02:15):
together, and we provideprotection from the outside
world.
But within the foxhole, withinthe relationship, we need to be
able to trust each other, right?
We need to be able to have eachother's backs and to know that,
to know there's trust, to knowthere's faithfulness, and so we

(02:36):
have more resources for theworld.
Hey, I know my partner has myback.
I don't have to worry aboutthat.
And going back to theagreements, as I mentioned,
cheating.
Can sometimes violate animplicit agreement.
For example, we will not seekemotional, physical, or
sectional connections outsidethe relationship.

(02:59):
And quick note, as a couple'stherapist, I would remind the
both of you to make explicitagreement.
Because sometimes we don't evenshare, Hey, you know what
cheating is if you have sex withsomeone outside of a
relationship.
But I think it's important tomake that explicit because
sometimes we just assume that'sthe case.

(03:22):
And also what we typicallyassociate with cheating is being
physically intimate with someoneelse.
But also, what about emotionalaffairs?
For example, what if there is animplicit agreement and someone
sought, pursued and engaged inemotional connection with

(03:44):
someone outside the relationshipwho could be considered a
potential partner and then keptthat relationship secret?
And like I mentioned, a couplemay not have explicitly agreed
that this is not okay.
But suppose the involved partnerhas hurt the other partner with
this connection.

(04:05):
And usually it's done byintentionally keeping it a
secret.
In that case, this can becheating and as a result.
The hurt partner defines whatcheating is, even if it hasn't
been an explicit agreement, ifthere's been some deception, if
you have kept that from yourpartner, then the hurt partner

(04:28):
may consider this cheating.
And again, what's most importantis that the hurt partner defines
what cheating is an emotionalaffair., there may be comfort
that nothing physical happened,but the her partner may
question, may reevaluate therelationship with such
questions.
Like, well, what if I haven'tdiscovered this?
Would if it had gone further?

(04:49):
Or, what did you tell them aboutus?
Or taking it further?
Were you planning on leaving usthe relationship?
So let's talk about.
The antonyms to cheating.
What is the opposite ofcheating?
And that is loyalty,faithfulness, honesty.
Openness, integrity.

(05:09):
Again, the main element ofcheating is that it was done
secretly, so the other personwould not find out.
And let me share as a couple'stherapist.
Conditions that can create abreeding ground for cheating.
And that is when partners arenot open to each other and have

(05:30):
drifted into roommate status.
And this can create a breedingground for partners to seek
connection and intensity outsidethe relationship.
Additionally, they may behave inways that would hurt the other
if discovered and oftenjustifying their actions by
rationalizing that they aren'tgetting what they wanted from

(05:51):
the relationship anyway.
And if you're in this situation,I recommend you go to therapy so
you can negotiate your wants andneeds in the current
relationship and bring intensityto the relationship that way.
And if cheating is discovered,couples therapy for infidelity
can significantly increase thechances of recovery and

(06:15):
fostering of a betterrelationship, provided there's
motivation to do so.
And so in conclusion, whetherit's financial dishonesty,
emotional secrecy, or physicalinfidelity.
The court issue remains thesame, is that cheating is a
deception that undermines thefoundation of the relationship,

(06:36):
and it was done secretly, and itmay have violated explicit or
implicit agreements betweenpartners and the hurt partner is
who defines whether it'scheating or not, and the
opposite of cheating, honesty,transparency, mutual respect are

(06:58):
essential in preventing betrayaland obviously fostering a
healthy, secure bond.
And also honesty, transparency,openness are what are essential
if you wish to recover frominfidelity, and those are what
is needed to recover.
And they are also the antidoteto cheating and infidelity.

(07:22):
Thank you so much for listening.
If this has resonated with you,or if you gotten anything from
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with someone who could benefitfrom.
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