69: 6 Signs You Need to See A Couples Therapist

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Episode Summary: In this episode, Jason Polk, a couples therapist with over 10 years of experience, shares the six key signs that indicate it might be time to seek couples therapy. He explains why seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and offers practical examples and personal insights.

Six Signs It's Time for Couples Therapy:

1. Constant Fighting: Recurring arguments over both small and big issues, often with deeper cycles beneath the surface.
2. Constant Avoidance: Lack of communication and emotional distance, which can be more damaging than fighting.
3. Deep Resentment & Contempt: Sharing resentment without boundaries, leading to defensiveness and a cycle of blame.
4. Mistrust: Persistent uneasiness, anxiety, or infidelity that undermines trust in the relationship.
5. Lack of Connection: Not making time to connect, which can amplify annoyances and distance.
6. Inability to Repair After Conflict: Struggling to reconnect or be vulnerable after disagreements.

Key Takeaways:

• Couples therapy is a proactive step toward a healthier relationship.
• Repairing after conflict and maintaining connection are essential skills.
• Even therapists benefit from couples therapy!

Mentioned in This Episode:

• Episode 66: More on repairing after conflict
• Personal stories and examples from Jason’s own relationship

If you recognize any of these signs in your relationship, consider contacting a couples therapist. Remember, seeking help is a sign of hope and commitment to growth.

Couples Therapy in Colorado

Thanks for listening!

For more episodes and resources, subscribe to the podcast and follow Jason Polk for ongoing insights into relationships.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
As you may know, I'm a couplestherapist and I want to share
six signs that is time forcouples therapy and why it's a
strength, not a weakness.
But first I'm going to introducethe show.
Welcome everyone.
This is solving disconnectionand creating connected
relationships for couples andparents.

(00:20):
My name is Jason Polk, and I'veworked this exclusively with
couples as a therapist and coachfor over 10 years.
On this podcast, I share myexperience professionally.
Personally and those of ouramazing guests.
So we all know thatrelationships are challenging at
times and it's.
Not clear to know when ourproblems have reached a point

(00:43):
where we need professional help.
And so here are six signs istime for couples therapy?
Number one, constantly fighting.
No one likes to fight, and asmall thing may spoil a night
out.
I see this often.
For example, we're having such agood night.
Then we started arguing over whocleaned the counters last night

(01:06):
and then our night was ruined.
Or couples may find themselvesin big fights on core issues
that never seem to disappear.
And common examples are money,sex, mess, and in-laws.
Couples therapy is importanthere because couples need to
understand more about whattriggers each partner.
Usually there's a deeper cycleunder the fighting that couples

(01:29):
therapists can make explicit andgive couples a roadmap out of.
So for example, you may bearguing about money, but chances
are it's deeper.
I don't know if you ever saw themovie, um, it's a funny movie,
what had American Summer, butthere is a, the lunch.
Not the lunch lady.

(01:50):
The lunch man.
Um, the guy who oversaw thecafeteria for the summer camp,
he so ridiculous.
I can't believe I'm talkingabout this right now, but
basically he trained one of themain characters to kind of be a
better person.
And he said it's about the girl,but it isn't.

(02:12):
So I just wasted like 45 secondsto tell you.
It may be about the money.
But it isn't.
It's usually something deeperand a skilled couples therapist
can point that out.
So number two, that is time togo to couples therapy.
Perhaps you're constantlyavoiding, and this can be worse

(02:34):
than constantly fighting becausewe're fighting, at least we're
communicating.
And this is a big problembecause when we don't know
what's going on with ourpartner, we make things up.
And when we make things up, it'salways negative.
For example, if I don't knowwhere my wife is mentally, I
don't think, you know, she mustbe reflecting on how much she

(02:56):
loves me.
Nope.
I think the worst.
If couples have gotten used toavoiding, there's no outlet to
disprove such thoughts.
This is a very difficult andpainful situation for couples to
be in.
If you two, find yourself here.
Couples therapy is recommendedASAP because what they say, the

(03:20):
opposite of love is not hate.
But the opposite of love isdisinterest.
I know there's a better way tosay it, or apathy, and it's not
quite apathy, but the oppositeof love is not even caring.
Right.
I don't even care enough tofight with you.
I'm just so emotionally checkedout, and so that is not a good
place to be.
In Number three, there's deepresentment and it's shared

(03:46):
contemptuously.
So it's shared with absolutelyno speaking boundary.
If we resent our partner, wedon't give them the benefit of
the doubt, then eventually westart to view everything they do
as a way of being vindictive.
And if we can contemptuouslyshare our resentment, our

(04:08):
partner begins reacting to thatenergy by defending themselves
or giving it back to us.
Contemptuous sharing does notmake our partner more receptive.
Then what's behind ourresentment never gets properly
acknowledged, validated, andwork through with our partner
because our partner is just onthe defense.

(04:30):
And then eventually you'll geton the offense and you'll start
pointing out everything thatyour partner does wrong.
So it's kind of like a tit fortat I do that.
Oh, yeah.
Well, you do this and it's not agood place to be, and trust me,
I've been there.
There's mistrust.
This is number four.
There may be good reasons formistrust in your relationship.

(04:53):
However, if it's not properlyaddressed, it can create more
problems.
Mistrust creates uneasiness andanxiety to deal with that
anxiety.
We may become detectives orconstantly questioning our
partner.
Without agreements on how towork through mistrust, couples
may be stuck in a difficultplace.

(05:14):
And here's a big one too.
It's infidelity and that createsmistrust a hundred percent.
And a couple's therapist canhelp you to get on the right
track to recover from theinfidelity, which leads to
mistrust.
And I know we can do an episodeon that in regards to recovering

(05:36):
from infidelity, but with askilled couples therapist who
has experience working throughinfidelity that can be very
important for couples andultimately can transform your
relationship into a better placethan it was before.
Number five, you don't make timeto connect.

(05:56):
Connection prevents a lot ofproblems.
If you two were to focus onconnecting and spending more
quality time together, you couldprobably avoid the need to see a
couple's therapist because if wefeel connected to our partner,
their natural annoyances.
Are not as loud.
For example, if I'm feelingconnected with Jess, my wife, I

(06:18):
don't care how much or how oftenshe leaves her coats and socks
on the floor, I don't nag orremind her.
Um, not that I do that anywaybecause it's not helpful if I
need to bring up the mess,however, I will do so in a
respectful way and not if I'mtired.
Nevertheless, if we're feelingconnected, I give her the

(06:40):
benefit of the doubt.
I know she's super busy anddoing her best, and I might even
do something like picking themup for her problem solved.
And number six, you don't knowhow to repair after conflict.
Repair is big, and I wouldrecommend episode number 66

(07:02):
because I talk about repair morein depth in that episode.
Conflict happens in everyrelationship.
When we know how to repair, wecan feel confident when conflict
arises.
Repairing means regainingconnection, and one way to do so
is to share what was underneathyour anger or frustration.

(07:25):
For example, I felt blank, sad,hurt, scared when blank incident
happened.
And that is a quick example ofvulnerability and you're leading
by offering something for yourpartner to hear and connect
with.
In the spirit of improvingthings like you can't repair, if

(07:46):
you're leading with anger, youhave to be softer.
And so if you identify with anyof these six signs.
It is wise for you to seekcouples therapy.
Going to couples therapy doesnot mean you're broken or
flawed.
It's a sign of strength andhope.
As you know, the relationshipcan improve and you're willing

(08:07):
to work on it.
I firmly believe couples therapyshould be required for anyone as
a great place to learn how tocommunicate, get on the same
page, and work throughdifficulties, and nothing is
more challenging than being inan intimate relationship.
And so we often need help.
In personal disclosure, Jess andI, we've gone to a lot of

(08:29):
couples therapy ourself, and wehave greatly benefited.
Thanks for listening.