October 9, 2025 • 32 mins
A cheap SUV booking, a midnight shuttle to a sketchy lot, and a surprise upgrade to a luxury Mercedes turned into an x-ray of my deepest money beliefs. I thought I wanted passive income and a bigger online business—until my body told a different story: more visibility felt dangerous, responsibility felt heavy, and wealth felt like a target on my back. That night exposed how safety, not strategy, decides what we allow ourselves to hold.
We dig into the patterns underneath the panic: old scarcity from post-COVID upheaval, the reflex to fix and rescue as a way to feel loved, and the subtle ways codependency keeps us focused on controlling others instead of regulating ourselves. I share how taking radical responsibility changed my relationship with my daughter and why upgrading your identity is less about grit and more about building a nervous system that can handle being seen, paid, and supported. If you’ve ever braced when something good arrived, this conversation will feel like a mirror.
This is Soma Rising: Conversations for a Conscious Future —where health, wealth, love, and purpose flow together on the Golden Path of alignment. Learn more at somatribe.org
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Tabitha MacDonald is an Intuitive Coach and Bodyworker committed to helping people overcome pain fast so they can experience the love, success, freedom, and fulfillment they truly desire.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (01:01):
Today, I want to tell you a story about
unconscious beliefs.
My name is Tabitha MacDonald.
Welcome back to the Soma Flowpodcast, where we explore the
intersection of mind, body, andsoul transformation and how the
unconscious patterns you don'teven know you're running are
actually the ones running yourlife.
Have you ever noticed that whenyou're really going for
(01:22):
something, it seems like there'sa big hurdle or challenge that
comes in and like prevents youfrom getting that thing that you
want.
So the last 30 days I've beenworking specifically around
money beliefs and wealthmanifestation and generation.
And I have an online businessand I have a podcast and I have
(01:44):
things that I'm doing to startbuilding out passive income.
Cause I've always had themindset that like you have to
work hard for your money, youhave to be present, like that
time mentality around moneygeneration.
And as I wanted to go for anonline business, as I wanted to
create passive income, I'mcoming up against hurdles.
I didn't even know that I wasgonna have to jump over around
(02:06):
money, around wealth andresponsibility, consistency,
leadership, being seen.
The list is very long.
So we've been working throughthose in my business class, and
I've had a lot of aha momentsabout how I've gotten in my own
way.
And the great news is it's mewho's gotten in my own way.
(02:28):
There's no some mystical forcethat's like preventing me from
having great success.
That's a hundred percent justme.
And I actually like being inthat place because that means I
have the ability to shift it.
So here we are doing all of thiswork.
I'm gonna tell you right now, itwas emotionally exhausting.
I had to take a lot of hardlooks at choices I've made since
(02:53):
COVID, because of COVID, whathappened to my business after
COVID.
And then I had some other reallylife-altering events that
created even more catastrophicthinking around money and
wealth.
Mostly that money is not reallysafe.
And if you have it, you're gonnabe a target of attack.
And here it is.
(03:14):
It's Saturday night.
My daughter needs my help.
She was recently in a caraccident, and um, luckily she's
safe.
She's fine, everything's fine,but she's also moving into an
apartment.
And then, like, one of thosethings is hard for an adult
who's had a lot of lifeexperience navigating
challenges.
(03:34):
Both of those things andnavigating a breakup at the same
time, that's hard.
That's really hard.
And we were gonna go toDisneyland for my 50th birthday,
but life happens and we weren'table to, so you know, the path
was to come go down to Arizonaand help her get settled and her
new, and her her new experienceof the next level of adulting.
(03:56):
And my plans shifted because Igot sick.
I got really sick.
And I don't normally get sick,but this cold or whatever I got
took me down.
And I could not drive down theway I had planned.
And I turned 50 and I was reallyupset because I thought, look,
oh, why bother planninganything?
It never goes as planned.
(04:18):
This is another belief.
And so I had to shift all of myplans, and I booked a flight
using miles, and it was um lateat night, and then I wanted to
find a rental car so that um wehad a car that I could drive
around in.
And I looked for like thecheapest SUV I could find
because I knew we were gonna bemoving furniture and stuff like
(04:38):
that.
So I go on Expedia and I find acheap SUV, and it was like gonna
be like a Ford, you know, smallSUV, enough for us to get around
in.
And I booked it on Expedia, notrealizing like how Expedia works
and like bringing together a lotof sometimes not so known
(04:59):
companies.
So I'll just say that I shouldhave done a little bit more
research, but I was in a hurryand I was sick.
And so I was mostly just lookingat the bottom line and the price
tag.
So here it is, it's already lateat night.
It's like what 10:30 when myplane lands.
I'd already worked all day andI'm still recovering from a
cold.
And I get off and then I get atext message from this rental
(05:20):
car company saying you have tofollow these instructions, like
some weird spy game.
You have to go take a write atthe third poll on the, you know,
it's like it's those kind ofweird instructions, and I'm
thinking, what did I just getmyself into?
I thought this was like acompany that would just be at
the gate, like all the otherones.
(05:42):
No, it came with a map, secretcodes, like all kinds of weird
stuff.
So there it is, like it's late,I'm tired, I'm dragging my
suitcase across the Phoenixairport, hoping this company
doesn't close because now it'sgetting you know past 11.
And oh, so then you have to takea take this weird elevator, and
(06:03):
then you have to go wait for ashuttle, and then the shuttle
takes you off site.
So we get into this dark van inthe middle of the night in
Phoenix, and I'm starting tofreak out.
So it I'll just say that I'llbackstory to a smidge.
The lady who sat next to me onthe plane must have been on
(06:25):
drugs because she was one ofthose people who was like
looking around and like kind ofsketch and kept making weird
like faces, and I and I waslike, I feel like she's on meth
or something, and I'm notfeeling totally safe.
So I'm gonna preface this bysaying I didn't feel totally
safe getting off of the plane.
So this whole like adventuremade me feel even less safe.
(06:48):
Now, safety is hugely importantto me, especially as a woman
walking around in a city.
I don't really know at night,especially 11:30 at night.
So we get into this shuttle withall of these people.
There's like, I think threefamilies in there.
And it freaked me out because Idid not feel safe.
I was like, I don't know if thiscompany's legit.
(07:08):
This is how I die.
They're taking me to some likedrug lord's house, and I'm gonna
be sold off into the middle ofthe night.
No one will ever see me again,and nobody will help my daughter
get a new car.
So this is my mind, right?
Because it's late at night.
I'm sick.
I haven't had a lot ofopportunity to manage my mindset
that day.
And actually, that's not true.
(07:29):
I totally was managing mymindset that day.
I just, you know, this justpushed my nervous system over
the edge.
Have you ever had thatexperience where you were like
in a situation and you're like,logically, I don't think, you
know, I'm gonna be taken awayand killed.
But like there's something in mybrain that's telling me right
now that this is how I die.
So um, so I get in there andit's this weird house, like
(07:56):
looking building, and there'slike drug addicts outside
wandering the street.
And I know they're drug addictsbecause of how they walk and how
they're dressed, you know.
I can make safe assumptions thatthey roll on, that there's a lot
of people around me on drugs.
And so I'm already on like hyperalert, and I'm like, why is
there this random car place inthe middle of this like
(08:17):
drug-infested part of Phoenix?
And why is it in this old housewith like disco music?
It was like house music playing,and it was dark, and there was
like these like lines of forlike you know, uh, what you
would see like going into aclub, and it was so weird.
And I get to the counter and theguy starts asking me strange
(08:40):
questions, and then he keepsgoing back to this secret room
and coming back out and thengiving me different information.
And I'm like, oh great, this isdefinitely how I die, right?
Like, this is it.
Like, I'm glad there's otherpeople here.
At least I won't be dying alone.
And so, but also I was like,There, it was just weird.
I'd never had this kind ofexperience at a car dealership
(09:02):
or not at a car rental place.
And so by the third time, hecomes back out and he goes,
Okay, well, it's gonna be anextra$500.
And um, I was like, wait, what?
What didn't say that online?
Like Expedia never said it wasgonna be extra.
And he goes, Oh, well, you'llget it back.
It's an extra deposit.
And so I'm thinking in my head,like, this is a scam, and I need
(09:23):
to get an Uber out of here, butI'm also not gonna go outside
and wait for an Uber in themiddle of this neighborhood
where there's like peoplewalking around who don't look
safe.
So here I am in this dilemma.
I'm like, I'm just gonna have tofork over the money and I'll
deal with Expedia later and andand whatever is going on.
So finally, after this guy goesback and forth to this private
room a bunch of times, comesout, um, and then he says, Okay,
(09:47):
now go outside and your car willbe there.
So I go outside, and this ladypulls up in this what had to
have been the most expensive carI've ever driven in.
It was like this large MercedesSUV.
And she hands me the key.
And um, I've never driven aMercedes ever.
(10:12):
And I couldn't even figure outhow to turn it on or how to put
it in drive.
And then bless her heart, thelady who brought who brought me
the car didn't speak English.
And she's looking at me like I'mabsolutely insane because she's
like, You don't know how todrive this car.
And I'm like, no, I driveToyotas.
Like, I don't know where's theshifter, it's not even there.
Like, how, like, how do you putit into drive?
(10:34):
Like, it was really, and now I'mfreaking out because I'm like,
now I'm like gonna drive off thelot in this car, and I don't
even know how to put it indrive.
And how do I even know?
So this is what's happening inmy mind.
It was, I'll just say it was anabsolute shit show because I'm
sitting there thinking, this carprobably costs more than my
(10:57):
house.
I don't even know if I haveenough insurance to cover it.
Should the people on the streetcarjack me?
Like that's what this is what'sgoing on in my head right now.
And then as I start driving, Ihaven't figured out how to make
it work.
Driving off the lot, my brainstarts going wild.
There was a guy who just told meabout a carjacking at a party I
(11:18):
had been at a couple daysbefore.
And I'm like, oh, great, this isthis is how it this is how it
happened.
Someone's gonna carjack mebecause of this car.
And if someone hits me, I'll owethousands of dollars.
Or worse yet, someone's gonnahit me, then carjack me, and
then probably kill me.
And like now I'll owe money forthe car and I'll like be dead,
(11:39):
or like worse yet, somewhereelse in a hospital.
So this is like literally goingthrough my mind as I'm pulling
off the lot, right?
And I not any part of me feltgrateful to have this nice,
beautiful luxury vehicle.
All I could think of is I don'twant this kind of
responsibility, and this is notsafe.
(11:59):
There's probably a tracker onthe car, and this is how we die.
Like I um I'm laughing becausesaying it out loud now, it seems
so ridiculous.
In the moment, I felt veryafraid.
And I think in the moment iswhen it hit me, all of my old
money fears were right there inthe driver's seat with me.
(12:21):
I didn't feel safe being seenwith something expensive.
I didn't feel safe being theperson with a nice car, and I
didn't feel safe holding thatmuch value.
It wasn't the car that scaredme.
It was the part of me that stillbelieved that having more makes
you unsafe and makes you atarget.
(12:45):
And here's the thing when we dodeep unconscious work, when we
start recoding our old identity,we don't always feel the shift
while it's happening.
But the universe will test thatnew structure.
It'll say, Are you sure you'reready to hold this kind of
wealth?
(13:06):
Was I ready for a new level ofwealth?
Did I feel safe in it?
Or did I still have resistanceliving in my body that was used
to struggling?
And is this like the oldidentity coming up, creating
this?
Or was it just a little bit of acheck in to see if I was ready
(13:28):
for the thing that I said Iwanted, which was wealth and
success?
So if you've been doing thework, like journaling or
recoding and any kind of therapyor coaching or shadow work, and
it feels like everything isfalling apart, it might actually
be that your new structure isbeing given a test drive.
(13:50):
This also mirrors what's beenhappening in my relationship
with my daughter, with mybusiness, with my friends, with
my love life.
I've been healing a lot ofcodependency strategies that
have prevented me from havingthe kind of love that I want,
the kind of love that my soulknows that I want.
(14:11):
And part of that pattern wasalways trying to fix, trying to
rescue, trying to controleverything outside of me so I
could feel safe, supported,loved, a deep sense of belonging
inside of me.
So my daughter and I used tobond over talking about other
people, always blaming theoutside world for how things
(14:32):
were going in our lives.
And since I've been doing all ofmy healing work, I don't do that
anymore.
I take full responsibility forthe way that my life appears and
what's happening in it.
That was a huge part of myrecovery from being codependent,
was taking full responsibilityfor my emotional state without
(14:54):
blaming anyone or anythingoutside of me for it.
And because of that, I don'tusually sit around talking about
people anymore.
Like there's no, oh my God, thisperson did this to me, and this
is why I can't have what I want.
And I realized that that's howshe was raised because I was
(15:15):
very codependent, right?
So it was always like, well, weum it's my partner's fault that
we're having all of this drama,or it's this person's fault, or
it's this person's fault.
Like uh, without fully owning myfeelings.
And I didn't realize it until Ishe moved away and I started
(15:38):
doing a lot of my unconsciousrestructuring work, recode work,
and changing my identity tosomeone who lives in a more
secure attachment style.
And then when we get togethersometimes, she'll be like, Oh,
why can't you just be like howit used to be?
And that would be like where wewould sit around and bitch and
moan about how other peoplewere, if they would change, then
we could feel better.
And sometimes we have a hardtime relating now because I
(16:03):
don't do that anymore.
And I realize that I'm the onewho changed the rules of the
game.
I'm the one who changed how Isee the world and how I relate
to it.
And sometimes she doesn't knowwho I am in that place.
And so she struggles to know me,not because she's she's bad, but
(16:24):
because she's used to growing upwith a mom who actually was very
codependent and felt verydisempowered by other people's
behavior.
So to be a new version of me andgoing and seeing her, I have to
hold a lot of compassion andgrace for her experience of kind
of getting to know me.
(16:45):
But then also my old shit comesup, right?
So, like I'm here wanting tohelp her and rescue her, but
also hold boundaries andintegrate all of the nice
structural work I've done arounda secure attachment style.
And meanwhile, I'm also dealingwith her in a really upregulated
state because she's goingthrough big adult stuff that's
(17:05):
scary.
And it should be scary becauseadulting is, let's just be
honest, it's not always fun,right?
And so my like blame aboutmyself, my own parenting, and my
mom guilt is like up, right?
It was like, oh man, if only Ihad given you a better dad, or
if only I hadn't made poorrelationship choices, you
wouldn't have learned that fromme, or maybe if I hadn't have,
(17:29):
you know, been so resistant tomy online business, I'd have
more money and I could help youout.
And all of this mom guilt isrunning in my head like an old
recording of an old identity,like kind of like you just turn
on a rerun of an old show andyou're like, I don't think I
like that show anymore, but it'sso good, I don't want to stop
(17:50):
watching it.
And then all of a sudden you'relike fully mesh, and it's like
two days later, and you're stillwatching the old show, and
you're like, oh crap, whathappened to the new one?
I don't know because I'm back inthe old one.
So this comes from this oldstructure of codependency, and
it comes up when I'm around herspecifically because there's
(18:13):
this part of me that's like,well, I don't know how to be her
mom in this new place, and Idon't want her to stop loving
me.
And it comes from that deepwound of not belonging, of
rejection, of guilt, like theold stuff, right?
Of being codependent.
And I remember like when she waslittle, I always blamed everyone
else for being overweight, why Ilost my money.
(18:35):
It was the government's fault,it was COVID's fault, um, why my
relationships didn't work, it'snot my fault.
I always date narcissists, Ialways date addicts, like I
don't have a choice.
This is how I was raised, and Ican't get out of it.
Like, there's just this prisonof my old identity.
And the truth is, none of that'strue.
Those are all lies.
(18:55):
They're all lies that myunconscious tells me and
continues to tell me.
And the only way you really knowif you're buying the old story
is by looking at the results youhave in your life.
Codependency is a trap and itkeeps us focused outward instead
(19:15):
of inward.
And the truth is it's yourrelationship with your yourself
that determines how safe youare, how wealthy you are, how
loved you feel.
It's the relationship that youhave with you, how aligned you
are with your higher self, withyour with your soul, with who
(19:38):
you really are, your higherlevel of consciousness outside
of all of these humanconditions.
And whenever I'm around her, Ireally struggle with my old
patterns because I have momguilt, to be honest.
And it's like, oh, well, if Ihelp her fix her financial
(19:59):
problems, she maybe she'll needme again and I'll have I'll have
meaning back in my life.
But when I do that, I'm nothelping her.
I'm holding her back fromcreating her own wealth story,
aren't I?
I'm keeping both of us trappedin the old frequency of struggle
and disempowerment.
Like life is happening to us,not through us, not because of
us.
(20:20):
Your unconscious is alwayslooking for evidence to prove
your beliefs true.
If you believe people orcircumstances are responsible
for how you feel, yourunconscious will constantly find
situations to validate that.
But when you start believing youare at cause for your reality,
(20:44):
that you are the source of yourwealth, peace, and power, your
unconscious begins aligning withthat empowered state.
Look around your life right now.
Look at your health, yourrelationships, your finances,
your sense of purpose.
They are all mirrors of whatyour unconscious assumes life
(21:09):
should be.
Beliefs are simply automatedchoices, and most of them are so
old and embedded that we don'teven see them as beliefs.
We see them as truth.
This is where coaching hashelped me probably the most
because I wasn't able toidentify my beliefs.
(21:32):
I could only identify like maybethoughts or things like that,
but the deep rooted, rooted,root-level beliefs I couldn't
see because they were too true.
Coaching helped me realize thatwe are constantly needing to
look at the outcomes in ourlives so that we can see what
(21:54):
beliefs are still running theshow, like a rerun.
I would also say that this iswhy recode work is so powerful
because it updates thoseunconscious programs so that
your your reality, yourstructure of reality and your
identity can finally supportwhat your soul is trying to
(22:16):
create, what your soul is goingto create, and what the universe
is going to gently or not sogently guide you towards.
And we want to utilize the toolsthat are available to us to
explore that.
So I'm gonna give you a littlehomework assignment or a little
(22:38):
self-development tool that Iactually really love.
So I love using ChatGPT forhelping me uncover my
unconscious patterns.
So I went into ChatGPT and Isaid, here's my current
financial situation (22:54):
the good, the bad, the ugly.
Can you tell me what unconsciousprogram, what unconscious belief
structure is operating in thebackground that I'm not allowed
to know?
And once I told it the storyabout the Mercedes and driving
(23:14):
off, Chad GBT gave me the exactbelief that was stopping me from
building my online business.
And once I saw the belief thatclearly, there was this like
moment of, ah, I see it now.
I couldn't have seen it myself.
And you can do that by likesaying Chad GPT act like a um
(23:38):
life or business coach or moneycoach or uh, I usually like to
say an intuitive coach.
And here's the scenario.
Can you help me find theunconscious belief that's
preventing me from having thekind of soul-aligned success and
wealth that that I know I cansee in my mind?
And then it'll usually give younot only here's probably what
(24:02):
the belief structure is, butalso here's how to bridge out of
it and reframe it.
Also, I like to use the recodefor this.
So you can use yoursuperconscious to recode and
restructure your reality.
And it's really fascinatingbecause you start making these,
you when you're working withyour unconscious structure of
(24:23):
reality, you're making so manyshifts that you don't even
remember the old structure halfthe time until you get put into
a situation and all of a suddenyou're just covered in this ick
feeling and you're like, thisisn't me.
But then you realize that wasyou, but you've just made so
many shifts in your identitythat that's no longer the home
you live in.
(24:44):
And it's not a bad thing becausethat home wasn't broken.
That home was necessary to getyou to the home that you live in
now.
Just like my first car was thisdinky yellow dots, and I think
they made like 400 of them inthe whole world.
I think the thing was like 400bucks, and I maybe lasted 100
miles.
It did not last long.
I don't even think they soldreplacement parts.
(25:05):
That's how few of them were.
That was my first car.
My next car was a Honda Civichatchback, and it was a little
bit better.
It was$1,200, right?
And then my next car was anup-level from that, and then my
next car was an up level fromthat.
That think about that as you'reunconscious.
Gradually you just think, like,wow, I'm just up-leveling, and I
can't even imagine buying thatlittle old yellow dots and
(25:28):
anymore.
But I'm so glad I did because Ilearned how to buy a car.
And then I learned, you know,what kind of car not to buy.
And then, you know, make surethey're still making them so
that there's parts available.
Um, things like that.
And then, you know, as youstart, and then here it is, the
universe is like, well, you saidyou want wealth.
Here's this beautiful Mercedesthat's actually cheaper than
(25:49):
anything else on the marketbecause, you know, of what
happened.
And um, how comfortable are youin it?
Not comfortable at all,actually.
I was freaking out the wholetime I was in Phoenix.
All I could see was peopletrying to hit me in their cars.
Like, I mean, to be fair, therewere a lot of car accidents on
(26:09):
the road, and Phoenix Scottsdaledrivers are a little bit,
they're a lot different thanOregon drivers.
And so, like, to be fair, I alsowork on a lot of car accidents,
so I'm always looking for dangerbecause I hear accident stories
all day long and what happens topeople.
So there's a few other reasonswhy that was happening.
But also, the universe was like,you said you wanted wealth,
(26:31):
here's something that representswealth.
How comfortable are you in it?
And the answer was I wasn't.
I wasn't at all.
And as I was driving throughthis like Phoenix neighborhood,
and here I am driving thisMercedes through the dark, these
sketchy streets, it starteddawning on me that money is not
(26:54):
dangerous.
It's how I respond to it.
That's why I can't have it, or Ichoose not to have it, or I
resist creating the kind ofwealth that my soul is begging
me to create.
Because money is not dangerous.
The car wasn't testing me, myidentity was testing me.
(27:17):
Was I ready for the kind ofsoul-aligned success and wealth
that I know I've been askingfor?
Or did I still have some work todo?
Did I maybe need to get like aHighlander first, or you know,
something like that?
So, when was the last timesomething good triggered your
survival response?
(27:38):
It made me feel very betrayed,to be honest.
Like, why did I make such a poorchoice?
Now, all of this sounds verystrange coming out of my mouth,
and probably a lot of you arethinking, like, why wouldn't you
have been super excited to havethis really nice car?
Well, because it came with a lotof financial responsibility.
And that's the thing that I'vebeen working with with my new
(27:59):
online business was a new biggerbusiness has a lot more
responsibility.
It's going to take me learninghow to manage wealth in a
different way, manage a lot morepeople because it's a group
program.
So instead of it beingone-on-one, it's gonna have more
people needing assistance at thesame time.
Do I have the structure set inplace?
(28:21):
What do I need to do?
Who do I need to grow into to bethe CEO of the company that I'm
growing?
And I'm so grateful for thatMercedes-Benz and that dodgy car
rental place because it pulledall of that up for me to
integrate, to explore and toexamine where the cracks in my
(28:44):
foundation are still hiding, arestill stopping me from creating
the kind of life that my soul isleading me towards.
And I'm happy about it.
And I know that that experiencewas happening for me, not to me.
And that's how I know myunconscious identity has
(29:06):
shifted.
Because being able to say thatwith absolute certainty that it
was happening for me, that Icreated it, that it was
happening through me made merealize that I'm the boss of my
life now.
And that actually feels prettydarn good.
So I want to ask you (29:24):
do you feel any lack of safety when you
think about money?
Or holding abundance?
It could be abundant love,health, being in alignment with
your purpose, your higher self,your intuition.
Or do you feel responsible forit in a way that makes you want
(29:46):
to give it back?
Like if someone gives you acompliment, you have to give
them a better one back.
If someone wants to gift youtime, do you feel like you have
to give it back double?
And one question I love to askmyself is what would it take to
(30:07):
just feel worthy of the giftsthe universe wants to bestow
upon me?
And anything in the way of that,delete, uncreate, and destroy
across all time, dimension,space, and realities.
That's a little sentence I liketo say when I know there's a
block and I can feel it, but Idon't quite know how to shift it
(30:28):
yet.
And then I just keep focusing onthe thing that I want, the
thing, the vision, the picturethat my soul keeps showing me.
And I just stay committed to theend result no matter what.
And I know that my identity isshifting at a at a level, speed,
and pace that it's comfortableshifting at.
(30:48):
And that requires a tremendousamount of patience and also
perseverance of staying thecourse, even when I feel like
everything's falling apart, andknowing that it's actually all
just coming.
Together.
If this story resonated withyou, take a moment to reflect on
where you might still feelunsafe being seen in your
(31:11):
wealth, your gifts, or yourpower.
And if you're ready to recodethose old unconscious patterns
that keep you looping instruggle, come join me inside
Soma Tribe, where we're creatingsoul aligned success from the
inside out.
Until next time, stay in yourflow, my friends.
Stay connected to your truthsand remember your soul is the
(31:33):
safest place you can be.
Much love.
Today, I want to tell you a story about
unconscious beliefs.
My name is Tabitha MacDonald.
Welcome back to the Soma Flowpodcast, where we explore the
intersection of mind, body, andsoul transformation and how the
unconscious patterns you don'teven know you're running are
actually the ones running yourlife.
Have you ever noticed that whenyou're really going for
(01:22):
something, it seems like there'sa big hurdle or challenge that
comes in and like prevents youfrom getting that thing that you
want.
So the last 30 days I've beenworking specifically around
money beliefs and wealthmanifestation and generation.
And I have an online businessand I have a podcast and I have
(01:44):
things that I'm doing to startbuilding out passive income.
Cause I've always had themindset that like you have to
work hard for your money, youhave to be present, like that
time mentality around moneygeneration.
And as I wanted to go for anonline business, as I wanted to
create passive income, I'mcoming up against hurdles.
I didn't even know that I wasgonna have to jump over around
(02:06):
money, around wealth andresponsibility, consistency,
leadership, being seen.
The list is very long.
So we've been working throughthose in my business class, and
I've had a lot of aha momentsabout how I've gotten in my own
way.
And the great news is it's mewho's gotten in my own way.
(02:28):
There's no some mystical forcethat's like preventing me from
having great success.
That's a hundred percent justme.
And I actually like being inthat place because that means I
have the ability to shift it.
So here we are doing all of thiswork.
I'm gonna tell you right now, itwas emotionally exhausting.
I had to take a lot of hardlooks at choices I've made since
(02:53):
COVID, because of COVID, whathappened to my business after
COVID.
And then I had some other reallylife-altering events that
created even more catastrophicthinking around money and
wealth.
Mostly that money is not reallysafe.
And if you have it, you're gonnabe a target of attack.
And here it is.
(03:14):
It's Saturday night.
My daughter needs my help.
She was recently in a caraccident, and um, luckily she's
safe.
She's fine, everything's fine,but she's also moving into an
apartment.
And then, like, one of thosethings is hard for an adult
who's had a lot of lifeexperience navigating
challenges.
(03:34):
Both of those things andnavigating a breakup at the same
time, that's hard.
That's really hard.
And we were gonna go toDisneyland for my 50th birthday,
but life happens and we weren'table to, so you know, the path
was to come go down to Arizonaand help her get settled and her
new, and her her new experienceof the next level of adulting.
(03:56):
And my plans shifted because Igot sick.
I got really sick.
And I don't normally get sick,but this cold or whatever I got
took me down.
And I could not drive down theway I had planned.
And I turned 50 and I was reallyupset because I thought, look,
oh, why bother planninganything?
It never goes as planned.
(04:18):
This is another belief.
And so I had to shift all of myplans, and I booked a flight
using miles, and it was um lateat night, and then I wanted to
find a rental car so that um wehad a car that I could drive
around in.
And I looked for like thecheapest SUV I could find
because I knew we were gonna bemoving furniture and stuff like
(04:38):
that.
So I go on Expedia and I find acheap SUV, and it was like gonna
be like a Ford, you know, smallSUV, enough for us to get around
in.
And I booked it on Expedia, notrealizing like how Expedia works
and like bringing together a lotof sometimes not so known
(04:59):
companies.
So I'll just say that I shouldhave done a little bit more
research, but I was in a hurryand I was sick.
And so I was mostly just lookingat the bottom line and the price
tag.
So here it is, it's already lateat night.
It's like what 10:30 when myplane lands.
I'd already worked all day andI'm still recovering from a
cold.
And I get off and then I get atext message from this rental
(05:20):
car company saying you have tofollow these instructions, like
some weird spy game.
You have to go take a write atthe third poll on the, you know,
it's like it's those kind ofweird instructions, and I'm
thinking, what did I just getmyself into?
I thought this was like acompany that would just be at
the gate, like all the otherones.
(05:42):
No, it came with a map, secretcodes, like all kinds of weird
stuff.
So there it is, like it's late,I'm tired, I'm dragging my
suitcase across the Phoenixairport, hoping this company
doesn't close because now it'sgetting you know past 11.
And oh, so then you have to takea take this weird elevator, and
(06:03):
then you have to go wait for ashuttle, and then the shuttle
takes you off site.
So we get into this dark van inthe middle of the night in
Phoenix, and I'm starting tofreak out.
So it I'll just say that I'llbackstory to a smidge.
The lady who sat next to me onthe plane must have been on
(06:25):
drugs because she was one ofthose people who was like
looking around and like kind ofsketch and kept making weird
like faces, and I and I waslike, I feel like she's on meth
or something, and I'm notfeeling totally safe.
So I'm gonna preface this bysaying I didn't feel totally
safe getting off of the plane.
So this whole like adventuremade me feel even less safe.
(06:48):
Now, safety is hugely importantto me, especially as a woman
walking around in a city.
I don't really know at night,especially 11:30 at night.
So we get into this shuttle withall of these people.
There's like, I think threefamilies in there.
And it freaked me out because Idid not feel safe.
I was like, I don't know if thiscompany's legit.
(07:08):
This is how I die.
They're taking me to some likedrug lord's house, and I'm gonna
be sold off into the middle ofthe night.
No one will ever see me again,and nobody will help my daughter
get a new car.
So this is my mind, right?
Because it's late at night.
I'm sick.
I haven't had a lot ofopportunity to manage my mindset
that day.
And actually, that's not true.
(07:29):
I totally was managing mymindset that day.
I just, you know, this justpushed my nervous system over
the edge.
Have you ever had thatexperience where you were like
in a situation and you're like,logically, I don't think, you
know, I'm gonna be taken awayand killed.
But like there's something in mybrain that's telling me right
now that this is how I die.
So um, so I get in there andit's this weird house, like
(07:56):
looking building, and there'slike drug addicts outside
wandering the street.
And I know they're drug addictsbecause of how they walk and how
they're dressed, you know.
I can make safe assumptions thatthey roll on, that there's a lot
of people around me on drugs.
And so I'm already on like hyperalert, and I'm like, why is
there this random car place inthe middle of this like
(08:17):
drug-infested part of Phoenix?
And why is it in this old housewith like disco music?
It was like house music playing,and it was dark, and there was
like these like lines of forlike you know, uh, what you
would see like going into aclub, and it was so weird.
And I get to the counter and theguy starts asking me strange
(08:40):
questions, and then he keepsgoing back to this secret room
and coming back out and thengiving me different information.
And I'm like, oh great, this isdefinitely how I die, right?
Like, this is it.
Like, I'm glad there's otherpeople here.
At least I won't be dying alone.
And so, but also I was like,There, it was just weird.
I'd never had this kind ofexperience at a car dealership
(09:02):
or not at a car rental place.
And so by the third time, hecomes back out and he goes,
Okay, well, it's gonna be anextra$500.
And um, I was like, wait, what?
What didn't say that online?
Like Expedia never said it wasgonna be extra.
And he goes, Oh, well, you'llget it back.
It's an extra deposit.
And so I'm thinking in my head,like, this is a scam, and I need
(09:23):
to get an Uber out of here, butI'm also not gonna go outside
and wait for an Uber in themiddle of this neighborhood
where there's like peoplewalking around who don't look
safe.
So here I am in this dilemma.
I'm like, I'm just gonna have tofork over the money and I'll
deal with Expedia later and andand whatever is going on.
So finally, after this guy goesback and forth to this private
room a bunch of times, comesout, um, and then he says, Okay,
(09:47):
now go outside and your car willbe there.
So I go outside, and this ladypulls up in this what had to
have been the most expensive carI've ever driven in.
It was like this large MercedesSUV.
And she hands me the key.
And um, I've never driven aMercedes ever.
(10:12):
And I couldn't even figure outhow to turn it on or how to put
it in drive.
And then bless her heart, thelady who brought who brought me
the car didn't speak English.
And she's looking at me like I'mabsolutely insane because she's
like, You don't know how todrive this car.
And I'm like, no, I driveToyotas.
Like, I don't know where's theshifter, it's not even there.
Like, how, like, how do you putit into drive?
(10:34):
Like, it was really, and now I'mfreaking out because I'm like,
now I'm like gonna drive off thelot in this car, and I don't
even know how to put it indrive.
And how do I even know?
So this is what's happening inmy mind.
It was, I'll just say it was anabsolute shit show because I'm
sitting there thinking, this carprobably costs more than my
(10:57):
house.
I don't even know if I haveenough insurance to cover it.
Should the people on the streetcarjack me?
Like that's what this is what'sgoing on in my head right now.
And then as I start driving, Ihaven't figured out how to make
it work.
Driving off the lot, my brainstarts going wild.
There was a guy who just told meabout a carjacking at a party I
(11:18):
had been at a couple daysbefore.
And I'm like, oh, great, this isthis is how it this is how it
happened.
Someone's gonna carjack mebecause of this car.
And if someone hits me, I'll owethousands of dollars.
Or worse yet, someone's gonnahit me, then carjack me, and
then probably kill me.
And like now I'll owe money forthe car and I'll like be dead,
(11:39):
or like worse yet, somewhereelse in a hospital.
So this is like literally goingthrough my mind as I'm pulling
off the lot, right?
And I not any part of me feltgrateful to have this nice,
beautiful luxury vehicle.
All I could think of is I don'twant this kind of
responsibility, and this is notsafe.
(11:59):
There's probably a tracker onthe car, and this is how we die.
Like I um I'm laughing becausesaying it out loud now, it seems
so ridiculous.
In the moment, I felt veryafraid.
And I think in the moment iswhen it hit me, all of my old
money fears were right there inthe driver's seat with me.
(12:21):
I didn't feel safe being seenwith something expensive.
I didn't feel safe being theperson with a nice car, and I
didn't feel safe holding thatmuch value.
It wasn't the car that scaredme.
It was the part of me that stillbelieved that having more makes
you unsafe and makes you atarget.
(12:45):
And here's the thing when we dodeep unconscious work, when we
start recoding our old identity,we don't always feel the shift
while it's happening.
But the universe will test thatnew structure.
It'll say, Are you sure you'reready to hold this kind of
wealth?
(13:06):
Was I ready for a new level ofwealth?
Did I feel safe in it?
Or did I still have resistanceliving in my body that was used
to struggling?
And is this like the oldidentity coming up, creating
this?
Or was it just a little bit of acheck in to see if I was ready
(13:28):
for the thing that I said Iwanted, which was wealth and
success?
So if you've been doing thework, like journaling or
recoding and any kind of therapyor coaching or shadow work, and
it feels like everything isfalling apart, it might actually
be that your new structure isbeing given a test drive.
(13:50):
This also mirrors what's beenhappening in my relationship
with my daughter, with mybusiness, with my friends, with
my love life.
I've been healing a lot ofcodependency strategies that
have prevented me from havingthe kind of love that I want,
the kind of love that my soulknows that I want.
(14:11):
And part of that pattern wasalways trying to fix, trying to
rescue, trying to controleverything outside of me so I
could feel safe, supported,loved, a deep sense of belonging
inside of me.
So my daughter and I used tobond over talking about other
people, always blaming theoutside world for how things
(14:32):
were going in our lives.
And since I've been doing all ofmy healing work, I don't do that
anymore.
I take full responsibility forthe way that my life appears and
what's happening in it.
That was a huge part of myrecovery from being codependent,
was taking full responsibilityfor my emotional state without
(14:54):
blaming anyone or anythingoutside of me for it.
And because of that, I don'tusually sit around talking about
people anymore.
Like there's no, oh my God, thisperson did this to me, and this
is why I can't have what I want.
And I realized that that's howshe was raised because I was
(15:15):
very codependent, right?
So it was always like, well, weum it's my partner's fault that
we're having all of this drama,or it's this person's fault, or
it's this person's fault.
Like uh, without fully owning myfeelings.
And I didn't realize it until Ishe moved away and I started
(15:38):
doing a lot of my unconsciousrestructuring work, recode work,
and changing my identity tosomeone who lives in a more
secure attachment style.
And then when we get togethersometimes, she'll be like, Oh,
why can't you just be like howit used to be?
And that would be like where wewould sit around and bitch and
moan about how other peoplewere, if they would change, then
we could feel better.
And sometimes we have a hardtime relating now because I
(16:03):
don't do that anymore.
And I realize that I'm the onewho changed the rules of the
game.
I'm the one who changed how Isee the world and how I relate
to it.
And sometimes she doesn't knowwho I am in that place.
And so she struggles to know me,not because she's she's bad, but
(16:24):
because she's used to growing upwith a mom who actually was very
codependent and felt verydisempowered by other people's
behavior.
So to be a new version of me andgoing and seeing her, I have to
hold a lot of compassion andgrace for her experience of kind
of getting to know me.
(16:45):
But then also my old shit comesup, right?
So, like I'm here wanting tohelp her and rescue her, but
also hold boundaries andintegrate all of the nice
structural work I've done arounda secure attachment style.
And meanwhile, I'm also dealingwith her in a really upregulated
state because she's goingthrough big adult stuff that's
(17:05):
scary.
And it should be scary becauseadulting is, let's just be
honest, it's not always fun,right?
And so my like blame aboutmyself, my own parenting, and my
mom guilt is like up, right?
It was like, oh man, if only Ihad given you a better dad, or
if only I hadn't made poorrelationship choices, you
wouldn't have learned that fromme, or maybe if I hadn't have,
(17:29):
you know, been so resistant tomy online business, I'd have
more money and I could help youout.
And all of this mom guilt isrunning in my head like an old
recording of an old identity,like kind of like you just turn
on a rerun of an old show andyou're like, I don't think I
like that show anymore, but it'sso good, I don't want to stop
(17:50):
watching it.
And then all of a sudden you'relike fully mesh, and it's like
two days later, and you're stillwatching the old show, and
you're like, oh crap, whathappened to the new one?
I don't know because I'm back inthe old one.
So this comes from this oldstructure of codependency, and
it comes up when I'm around herspecifically because there's
(18:13):
this part of me that's like,well, I don't know how to be her
mom in this new place, and Idon't want her to stop loving
me.
And it comes from that deepwound of not belonging, of
rejection, of guilt, like theold stuff, right?
Of being codependent.
And I remember like when she waslittle, I always blamed everyone
else for being overweight, why Ilost my money.
(18:35):
It was the government's fault,it was COVID's fault, um, why my
relationships didn't work, it'snot my fault.
I always date narcissists, Ialways date addicts, like I
don't have a choice.
This is how I was raised, and Ican't get out of it.
Like, there's just this prisonof my old identity.
And the truth is, none of that'strue.
Those are all lies.
(18:55):
They're all lies that myunconscious tells me and
continues to tell me.
And the only way you really knowif you're buying the old story
is by looking at the results youhave in your life.
Codependency is a trap and itkeeps us focused outward instead
(19:15):
of inward.
And the truth is it's yourrelationship with your yourself
that determines how safe youare, how wealthy you are, how
loved you feel.
It's the relationship that youhave with you, how aligned you
are with your higher self, withyour with your soul, with who
(19:38):
you really are, your higherlevel of consciousness outside
of all of these humanconditions.
And whenever I'm around her, Ireally struggle with my old
patterns because I have momguilt, to be honest.
And it's like, oh, well, if Ihelp her fix her financial
(19:59):
problems, she maybe she'll needme again and I'll have I'll have
meaning back in my life.
But when I do that, I'm nothelping her.
I'm holding her back fromcreating her own wealth story,
aren't I?
I'm keeping both of us trappedin the old frequency of struggle
and disempowerment.
Like life is happening to us,not through us, not because of
us.
(20:20):
Your unconscious is alwayslooking for evidence to prove
your beliefs true.
If you believe people orcircumstances are responsible
for how you feel, yourunconscious will constantly find
situations to validate that.
But when you start believing youare at cause for your reality,
(20:44):
that you are the source of yourwealth, peace, and power, your
unconscious begins aligning withthat empowered state.
Look around your life right now.
Look at your health, yourrelationships, your finances,
your sense of purpose.
They are all mirrors of whatyour unconscious assumes life
(21:09):
should be.
Beliefs are simply automatedchoices, and most of them are so
old and embedded that we don'teven see them as beliefs.
We see them as truth.
This is where coaching hashelped me probably the most
because I wasn't able toidentify my beliefs.
(21:32):
I could only identify like maybethoughts or things like that,
but the deep rooted, rooted,root-level beliefs I couldn't
see because they were too true.
Coaching helped me realize thatwe are constantly needing to
look at the outcomes in ourlives so that we can see what
(21:54):
beliefs are still running theshow, like a rerun.
I would also say that this iswhy recode work is so powerful
because it updates thoseunconscious programs so that
your your reality, yourstructure of reality and your
identity can finally supportwhat your soul is trying to
(22:16):
create, what your soul is goingto create, and what the universe
is going to gently or not sogently guide you towards.
And we want to utilize the toolsthat are available to us to
explore that.
So I'm gonna give you a littlehomework assignment or a little
(22:38):
self-development tool that Iactually really love.
So I love using ChatGPT forhelping me uncover my
unconscious patterns.
So I went into ChatGPT and Isaid, here's my current
financial situation (22:54):
the good, the bad, the ugly.
Can you tell me what unconsciousprogram, what unconscious belief
structure is operating in thebackground that I'm not allowed
to know?
And once I told it the storyabout the Mercedes and driving
(23:14):
off, Chad GBT gave me the exactbelief that was stopping me from
building my online business.
And once I saw the belief thatclearly, there was this like
moment of, ah, I see it now.
I couldn't have seen it myself.
And you can do that by likesaying Chad GPT act like a um
(23:38):
life or business coach or moneycoach or uh, I usually like to
say an intuitive coach.
And here's the scenario.
Can you help me find theunconscious belief that's
preventing me from having thekind of soul-aligned success and
wealth that that I know I cansee in my mind?
And then it'll usually give younot only here's probably what
(24:02):
the belief structure is, butalso here's how to bridge out of
it and reframe it.
Also, I like to use the recodefor this.
So you can use yoursuperconscious to recode and
restructure your reality.
And it's really fascinatingbecause you start making these,
you when you're working withyour unconscious structure of
(24:23):
reality, you're making so manyshifts that you don't even
remember the old structure halfthe time until you get put into
a situation and all of a suddenyou're just covered in this ick
feeling and you're like, thisisn't me.
But then you realize that wasyou, but you've just made so
many shifts in your identitythat that's no longer the home
you live in.
(24:44):
And it's not a bad thing becausethat home wasn't broken.
That home was necessary to getyou to the home that you live in
now.
Just like my first car was thisdinky yellow dots, and I think
they made like 400 of them inthe whole world.
I think the thing was like 400bucks, and I maybe lasted 100
miles.
It did not last long.
I don't even think they soldreplacement parts.
(25:05):
That's how few of them were.
That was my first car.
My next car was a Honda Civichatchback, and it was a little
bit better.
It was$1,200, right?
And then my next car was anup-level from that, and then my
next car was an up level fromthat.
That think about that as you'reunconscious.
Gradually you just think, like,wow, I'm just up-leveling, and I
can't even imagine buying thatlittle old yellow dots and
(25:28):
anymore.
But I'm so glad I did because Ilearned how to buy a car.
And then I learned, you know,what kind of car not to buy.
And then, you know, make surethey're still making them so
that there's parts available.
Um, things like that.
And then, you know, as youstart, and then here it is, the
universe is like, well, you saidyou want wealth.
Here's this beautiful Mercedesthat's actually cheaper than
(25:49):
anything else on the marketbecause, you know, of what
happened.
And um, how comfortable are youin it?
Not comfortable at all,actually.
I was freaking out the wholetime I was in Phoenix.
All I could see was peopletrying to hit me in their cars.
Like, I mean, to be fair, therewere a lot of car accidents on
(26:09):
the road, and Phoenix Scottsdaledrivers are a little bit,
they're a lot different thanOregon drivers.
And so, like, to be fair, I alsowork on a lot of car accidents,
so I'm always looking for dangerbecause I hear accident stories
all day long and what happens topeople.
So there's a few other reasonswhy that was happening.
But also, the universe was like,you said you wanted wealth,
(26:31):
here's something that representswealth.
How comfortable are you in it?
And the answer was I wasn't.
I wasn't at all.
And as I was driving throughthis like Phoenix neighborhood,
and here I am driving thisMercedes through the dark, these
sketchy streets, it starteddawning on me that money is not
(26:54):
dangerous.
It's how I respond to it.
That's why I can't have it, or Ichoose not to have it, or I
resist creating the kind ofwealth that my soul is begging
me to create.
Because money is not dangerous.
The car wasn't testing me, myidentity was testing me.
(27:17):
Was I ready for the kind ofsoul-aligned success and wealth
that I know I've been askingfor?
Or did I still have some work todo?
Did I maybe need to get like aHighlander first, or you know,
something like that?
So, when was the last timesomething good triggered your
survival response?
(27:38):
It made me feel very betrayed,to be honest.
Like, why did I make such a poorchoice?
Now, all of this sounds verystrange coming out of my mouth,
and probably a lot of you arethinking, like, why wouldn't you
have been super excited to havethis really nice car?
Well, because it came with a lotof financial responsibility.
And that's the thing that I'vebeen working with with my new
(27:59):
online business was a new biggerbusiness has a lot more
responsibility.
It's going to take me learninghow to manage wealth in a
different way, manage a lot morepeople because it's a group
program.
So instead of it beingone-on-one, it's gonna have more
people needing assistance at thesame time.
Do I have the structure set inplace?
(28:21):
What do I need to do?
Who do I need to grow into to bethe CEO of the company that I'm
growing?
And I'm so grateful for thatMercedes-Benz and that dodgy car
rental place because it pulledall of that up for me to
integrate, to explore and toexamine where the cracks in my
(28:44):
foundation are still hiding, arestill stopping me from creating
the kind of life that my soul isleading me towards.
And I'm happy about it.
And I know that that experiencewas happening for me, not to me.
And that's how I know myunconscious identity has
(29:06):
shifted.
Because being able to say thatwith absolute certainty that it
was happening for me, that Icreated it, that it was
happening through me made merealize that I'm the boss of my
life now.
And that actually feels prettydarn good.
So I want to ask you (29:24):
do you feel any lack of safety when you
think about money?
Or holding abundance?
It could be abundant love,health, being in alignment with
your purpose, your higher self,your intuition.
Or do you feel responsible forit in a way that makes you want
(29:46):
to give it back?
Like if someone gives you acompliment, you have to give
them a better one back.
If someone wants to gift youtime, do you feel like you have
to give it back double?
And one question I love to askmyself is what would it take to
(30:07):
just feel worthy of the giftsthe universe wants to bestow
upon me?
And anything in the way of that,delete, uncreate, and destroy
across all time, dimension,space, and realities.
That's a little sentence I liketo say when I know there's a
block and I can feel it, but Idon't quite know how to shift it
(30:28):
yet.
And then I just keep focusing onthe thing that I want, the
thing, the vision, the picturethat my soul keeps showing me.
And I just stay committed to theend result no matter what.
And I know that my identity isshifting at a at a level, speed,
and pace that it's comfortableshifting at.
(30:48):
And that requires a tremendousamount of patience and also
perseverance of staying thecourse, even when I feel like
everything's falling apart, andknowing that it's actually all
just coming.
Together.
If this story resonated withyou, take a moment to reflect on
where you might still feelunsafe being seen in your
(31:11):
wealth, your gifts, or yourpower.
And if you're ready to recodethose old unconscious patterns
that keep you looping instruggle, come join me inside
Soma Tribe, where we're creatingsoul aligned success from the
inside out.
Until next time, stay in yourflow, my friends.
Stay connected to your truthsand remember your soul is the
(31:33):
safest place you can be.
Much love.
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