Somebody Save Me: The Official, but MOSTLY Unofficial, Smallville Podcast

More like the LEAST horrible year

No better way to end a series than with a Showtime children's special starring Allison Mack. One could say this is a prequel to Smallville, others would say it's an Eric Stoltz masterpiece. It's neither!

Join us in reviewing a story by Nic Faulkner, who claims the worst year of her life was the year she had braces, got a boyfriend, gets a car built up by her dad, and sets up her two best friends to ...

Daddy's Boy & The Luthor Legacy

Continuing from part one - Earth-2 Lionel finally remerges as the perverted father Tess always remembered. Lex returns for a glorious five minutes, but with a disgusting right hand. Oliver figures out he can defeat darkness with regular arrows. Jor-El is all of a sudden Daddy of the Year. Lois goes back to work and decides to infiltrate Air Force One. Clark finally embraces his destiny after seein...

Apokolips' Very Own Wedding Crasher: Darkseid

Nothing like the entire planet of Apokolips as a wedding gift! The wedding is back on after Lois and Clark exchange their vows. Martha is pissed after finding out Clark sold the farm. Oliver is still a minion of darkness (or maybe drunk?). Tess is hanging out in Luthor Mansion rubble. Chloe now looks like Oliver.

John Schneider makes a special guest return as DC Comics' original character...

The Pointless Bow & The Last of the Fat Toy-Eater

Wow, so many things happen. Jor-El gives Lois and Clark the BEST wedding gift, which makes Lois basically call off the wedding. Kara has been kneeling down in a cave since episode three. Oliver finds the Bow of Orion and then loses to an old lady. Toyman returns with more toys to eat and a legion of cool villains we'll never see again.

Laura Vandervoort, Britt Irvin and the late ...

Kneel Before Zod, Pt. XIV???

Slade Wilson returns from the Phantom Zone (don't worry, he's not in the episode. thank GOD.) and Oliver thinks it's the perfect bonding opportunity for him and Clark. The two head down to P.Z. and get captured by General Zod, who has been hosting his own thunderdome there. While the bros try to get back home, Tess and Lois are having girl time at Watchtower. FYI, "girl time" equals Lois holding Tess at ...

Booster Gold and The Blue Dumb Beetle

Booster Gold arrives from the future to take Clark Kent's place, or rather "swagger jack" his destiny as the World's Greatest Superhero. Lois is a bit worried, but our C.K. only cares about finding the missing blue scarab from Kord Industries that's found its way onto the dumbest kid in town: Jaime Reyes. Meanwhile, Cat Grant is horny for Booster and Lois just wants to get her promotion already.

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Luthor, Pt. II: That's Not Your Dad

Clark Luthor manages to find a way back to Earth-1 and traps our Clark back on Earth-2, where everyone knows his weakness. Jon Kent of Earth-2, a divorced drunk, takes C.K. hostage for ransom and somehow C.K. wants him as his daddy even MORE. As C.K. is fighting for a way back to his home, C.L. doesn't even try to hide his identity and only wants to kill Earth-2 Lionel and have sex with his "siste...

*** NSFW EPISODE ***

Little Mikey, Pt. II: The Superboy Edition

Alexander Luthor, Lex's clone, returns as "Conner" only for Tess to reveal that he's actually a clone of Lex and Clark's DNA. With now having a full on biological "reset" due to his Kryptonian genes, he has all of Clark's powers and needs a mentor. Clark basically says "gross" and Conner runs off to Lionel-2, who happens to unleash the kid's dark side by using red krypto...

The Hangover: Smallville Edition

The Sisters, Megan (a.k.a. The Nurse) and Colleen, join us one last time as co-hosts this episode!

The bachelor/bachelorette party takes a quick turn after the gang celebrates with a bottle of champagne...that was spiked by Zatanna herself. Once the hangover hits nobody can remember what happened the night before. Lois gambled away her engagement ring, Chloe thinks she married Clark, Tess and Emil app...

DisA$$ is...

Welcome back to Chloe-ville! Chloe and Oliver have their fantasy date night turn into a murder orgy by another one of Darkseid's loyal servants, DeSaad. Eventually Clark comes to the rescue, but he needs to come up with a solution to his "disguise problem" before Lois calls off the wedding (JK, she never would). Yo, where's Tess?!

Steve Byers (Slasher, Immortals) makes his first official appearance as DC Comics' original...

The Luthors Return...

Martha Kent makes a return, so it's time for the heroes to go political. During her speech Martha gets shot by the missing Lex clone ("Alexander"), but now he's much older and even more gross-looking. On top of that, Earth-2 Lionel shows his face and learns how horny Martha makes him (again?). Clark somehow forgets he has fans, so Lois reminds him in the most corny way possible. Chloe has fully returned and her...

The Return of Chloe "JUST TRUST ME G.D.I.!" Sullivan

Welcome to Smallville's version of The Matrix where our heroes have been abducted by the V.R.A. enforcers and put into virtual "real world" simulator. Chloe, basically Neo, is using her virtual avatar in order to get Clark, Lois, Oliver, Dinah and the rest of the team back into reality. But guess what? They're having a hard time trusting her! Also, we find out Chloe has been runni...

Mid Proposal. Mid Eye-Patch. Mid Funeral.

The VRA has turned its enforcers into the Metropolis Gestapo and are cracking down on all suspected vigilantes and supporters. A somewhat decent marriage proposal, and banger engagement party, gets entirely overshadowed by General Slade's return and Hawkman's "death". Chloe also returns...in a flashback, smh.

Michael Hogan and Michael Shanks both return for their final appearances as DC Comic...

Transference, Pt. II: LuClark "I love my daddy" Luthor

After being the official heir of Lionel Luthor, Tess receives a Kryptonian artifact that allows the user to swap places with their mirrored counterpart from Earth-2. Clark activates the device and goes to a world where he was raised by the Luthors, is a well-known murdered/tyrant called Ultraman, Oliver and Lois think he's a douche and apparently is having a secret affair with h...

General Slade "Cagemaster" Wilson

HUGE appearances this week as the Vigilante Registration Act gets its first hero sign-up: Oliver Queen. General Slade Wilson, who is not at all comic-accurate, hides his superhero concentration camps behind the VRA bill. AC, a.k.a. Orin, returns with his new wife Mera to destroy these secret torture spots. Clark is reluctant at first since the new couple is solid competition, but he eventually comes...

Smallville Presents: The Girl Called Lutessa

Tess finally gets her long overdue origin story with none other than Granny Goodness! After reliving a memory in the form of a nightmare Tess is "called" back to the orphanage she was raised in, and drags Clark along with her. Lois is crying nonstop after watching her late mother's videotapes, and then decides to play mediator between Clark and Jor-El's relationship. The Dark-Ass Counsel ...

The Return of Senile Sam & Lucy Goosey

After a sex-filled weekend for the new couple, the Lane family drops in on the Kent farm for an early Thanksgiving dinner. Lois is freaking out, but Clark isn't worried until Sam announces he's fighting to push for the new Vigilante Registration Act. Rick Flag returns in order to use Lucy to get to her father, which she happily does because she lowkey hates her family. Oliver keeps treating...

Escape, Pt. II / Wrong Turn 3.5: The Flat Tire

Lois and Clark take a little couples getaway, but instead find themselves taken hostage by a blue Kryptonite cult disguised as a normal amish-type of town. The town's leader, Joseph, is determined to fulfill their annual ritual by using Lois as a sacrifice because she refused to eat their dinner. Meanwhile, the Alexander clone is aging rapidly (shout out to Emily and Evan!) into the Lex...